Life, With Styleby Jake RChaptersRarity and Rainbow Dash's Next StepScootaloo's Brilliant MathRarity's Cure for a HangoverRainbow Dash's Unexpected MoveRarity and Rainbow Dash's Next StepRainbow Dash loved work, she really did... that is, on days when work took about ten, fifteen minutes to do at maximum. Usually, work was like that: all she had to do was move some clouds and she was done. However, when the seasons began to transition, that’s when the paperwork started to come in. As head of the weather team for Ponyville, Dash actually had to come into the office to fill out forms and spreadsheets planning out the following season’s cloud patterns. None of this pencil-pushing and number-munching really became second nature, and most of her time was spent essentially relearning everything. During the worst seasonal transitions, Rainbow Dash could spend Monday to Wednesday cooped up in the office from noon until four or even five o’clock. Needless to say, it was living hell. When she finally escaped the office at four-thirty on Wednesday, her body was taken to the mental and physical edge. After catching an emergency six-hour power nap under her favorite apple tree, Dash decided it was time to get a good night’s sleep. Flying up to her house being too daunting, she opted instead to make herself at home at Rarity’s. “Ugh,” Dash grumbled as she crawled from Rarity’s bathroom to her bed. “If I never see that office again, it’ll be too soon.” Rarity hummed noncommittally as she continued skimming through her romance novel. Finally getting into bed next to her, Dash sighed and turned off the light on her side and turned to the wall. “Thanks for letting me crash here, Rarity” she mumbled.” “Oh, anytime, Dash” Rarity replied, leaning over and planting a kiss on Dash’s head. “Have a good night, darling.” “You too.” Just before Dash was about to drift into unconsciousness, she heard Rarity let out a snort. “‘Sup?” “You know, it just occurred to me... this is the first night we’ve ever gone to bed together without... well...” “Taking out the garbage? I can do that tomorrow.” “No, Dash, I mean–” “Turning the stove off? If the stove’s on, can you take care of that? I’m really tired.” “The stove is off, Dash, what I’m saying is–” “Did you not brush your teeth? Brush your teeth if you haven’t, that’s really gross if you–” “Dash, we’re not having sex.” Dash’s eyes shot open. “Woah!” She turned to Rarity. “Raunchy, much?” Rarity’s eyebrow quirked. “Excuse me?” She asked as she slammed her book shut and put it to the side. “That is hardly raunchy, especially compared to what comes out of your filthy mouth.” “Yeah, but when I talk about banging ‘n stuff, it’s funny. When you do it, it’s... I dunno, wrong.” Rarity rolled her eyes. “Well, I see no use in arguing with your absurd double standards, and I don’t care if you think it’s ‘wrong’ I talk however I want to talk. We’re not having sex, and that’s unprecedented for us.” There was a brief silence before Dash’s eyes shot open again. “Wait, what?!” “Heavens, it’s like going in circles with you.” “Are you being completely serious right now?” “Thinking about it... yes. Every other time you’ve come over to stay the night, we’ve had–” “Hey, hey. What did I say?” Rarity sighed and rolled her eyes. “Consummated.” Dash nodded. “Better.” “Yes. Anyway, we’ve always just fallen asleep fairly quickly in the afterglow. I daresay, this is the longest amount of time we’ve spent in this bed just... talking.” Dash pondered this before looking into Rarity’s eyes. “You know, you’re right, Rare.” She scooted away from her. “I’m kind of freaking out here.” Rarity snorted. “Are you serious?” “Well, yeah, I mean, I’ve never done this with another pony before.” “With another... you mean to tell me that you’ve never slept with another pony without sleeping with them? Surely, you jest.” “No, I’m serious. Name any girlfriend, boyfriend, or whatever’s in between that I’ve had, and I’ll tell you, in graphic, disgusting detail, about what we did under the sheets, but none of it is going to involve just laying in a bed just... you know, talking.” “I’ll thank you to spare me your past dalliances, but really, Dash, this isn’t anything to be freaked out over. We’re just talking.” “Yeah, but,” she turned on her back and stared at the ceiling. “What we’re doing right now is what serious couples do.” Rarity grimaced. “Oh, and we’re not serious, to you?” Dash waved her hooves. “No, no, that’s not what I mean. We’re totally serious, it’s just... I’ve never gotten to that point before.” “Oh, come on, Dash, surely you’ve had what we would call a serious relationship before.” Dash rapidly shook her head. “Nope. Just banging. Lots of banging.” Rarity stuck her out her tongue. “Raunchy, much?” Dash smirked. “Hey, like I said, it’s funny when I say it.” Rarity chuckled. “Keep telling yourself that, darling.” “Look, the point is, I’ve never gotten to this point emotionally with somepony before you, and it’s all still so new to me, but at the same time, it’s really cool and stuff.” Rarity turned slowly. “What are you saying, Dash?” Dash flipped to her side and looked into her eyes. “I mean, I love you. Y’know?” Rarity’s eyes gleamed as her lips made a quiver. “I know exactly.” The two leaned in for a kiss that lasted a good long while. Rarity lied down on her side and brought herself closer to Dash until their faces were barely apart. “I love you too,” she whispered. Dash smirked again. “Score.” Rarity giggled. “Okay, I’ll admit, you are funny sometimes.” “Damn straight.” “Now then, I’ll let you get back to sleep, I was in the middle of a really good chapter.” She planted another kiss on Dash’s cheek. “Goodnight, Rainbow Dash. I love you.” “Love you too. G’night.” Dash turned back to face the wall and rested her eyes for a while. As tired as she was, though, she was having trouble getting to sleep. Looking behind her, she saw that Rarity was still reading her book. Curious, Dash turned back to her side. “So, uh, what’re you reading there, anyway?” She asked, sliding in closer. “Oh, well, it’s one of those young adult romances that are all the rage, these days. These teenagers live in a post-apocalyptic Equestria where Celestia and Luna have been replaced by a brutal, democratically-elected regime.” “Pfft. Democracy,” Dash scoffed. “It’ll never catch on.” “Quite, but this is what teenagers like to worry about. Anyway, they scrounge for food by day, and by night, talk about their feelings and get to know each other. It’s a coming-of-age story that looks into what it really means to become an adult in an uncaring world. Also, there’s vampires, fights to the death, and just a smidge of BDSM.” Dash wrapped her wing around Rarity and brought her close. “Are the vampires the ones doing the BDSM?” Rarity smiled at the warmth and snuggled closer to her lover. “Well, I’m only halfway through, but so far, no.” “Figures. These artsy-fartsy types never write anything good.” Rarity giggled. “No, I suppose not.” Dash sighed. “So... this is what it’s like to be a serious couple?” “Darling, what’s changed, really?” Dash shrugged. “Not much, I guess, but still, the mentality’s now all different for me now.” “Just try not to think too hard about it, Dash. We’re still the same ponies as we ever were. We just now acknowledge something... deeper.” “Yeah, I feel ya. So we just... keep living life?” Rarity nodded. “Keep living life.” Dash smiled. “Cool.” Scootaloo's Brilliant Math“They are so not!” “Yes they are!” “Look, Sweetie, I don’t know why you’re trying to stink up Dash’s reputation, but it’s not funny, and you need to stop.” “I’m not trying to stink-up anything. I’m just telling you what I saw with my own two eyes. I saw them together at the town dance and the picnic, and they’re together at the Boutique all the time.” “That could be a lot of things. You’ve got no right to spin it into a sappy fairytale.” “What I’m wonderin’ is, why is any of this important at all? If ya don’t mind...” Apple Bloom pointed to the chalk mural that was now going sorely neglected. Scootaloo stood up at full attention. “Apple Bloom, one of the coolest ponies to ever grace the planet is being degraded, defamed, denigrated–” “What’re you, a dictionary?” Sweetie poked Scootaloo’s side and glared. “Just how is Rainbow Dash going out with my sister such a bad thing?” Scootaloo rubbed the back of her neck and let out a nervous chuckle. “Uh, well, see, Sweetie, it’s not really that. I mean, Rarity’s fine and all, she’s just... uh, I dunno, not really a Rainbow Dash type. I dunno, it would be like if she was dating Applejack, I picture it in my head, and I have to tilt why head and go ‘whaaa?’” “And just what in the heck is wrong with Applejack?” Apple Bloom asserted as she too got up and glared at Scootaloo. “Nothing! Jeeze, you two are prickly about this. Look, nothing is wrong with Rarity or Applejack, but I feel like if Dash is gonna...” She shuddered. “date, it should at least be with someone cool enough for her, and trust me, there’s not a lot to choose from.” “Rarity’s really cool!” “And so is Applejack!” “Apple Bloom, quiet, mommy and daddy are talking. And Sweetie Belle, look, Rarity’s nice and all, but... let’s face it, she is in no way cool on any objective measure.” “Objective?” “What in the heck are ya talkin’bout, Scoots?” “Look, it’s very simple...” Scootaloo took a piece of chalk and walked over to an empty part of the blacktop. As she began writing, she explained “You see, every pony has a list of factors that help determine their coolness: charisma, style, prowess, and general awesomeness, which we’ll label C, S, P, and A.” “Ain’t coolness and awesomeness just the same thing?” Scootaloo chuckled. “Not to the untrained mind, dear Apple Bloom.” “What’s wrong with ya? Ya sound like a fruitcake.” “Fruitcakes don’t talk, Apple Bloom.” “It’s a figure of speech, Sweetie Belle.” “Guys, please, I’m trying to explain important concepts to you. Anyway, as I was saying, these four factors help determine coolness, and they’re each graded on a scale of zero to twenty-five. Each of those individual scores add up on a scale of zero to a hundred.” “Mhm,” Apple Bloom hummed as she rolled her eyes. “And I’m just gonna take a wild guess and say that Rainbow Dash is rated twenty-five on each o’those stats?” Scootaloo gave a nod. “You’re learning, Apple Bloom. Naturally then, only ponies who are at that same level of coolness should have the right to go out with Rainbow Dash, and no offense, Sweetie Belle, but while Rarity has 25P, C, and S, her Ga levels are sorely lacking.” Sweetie Belle glared. “What’s not awesome about Rarity?” Scootaloo clicked her tongue and shook her head. “Oh, Sweetie Belle. Poor, naive Sweetie Belle. I’m sure as her sister, you only see her qualities through rose-tinted glasses, but it’s time we stop kidding ourselves.” She wrapped her foreleg around Sweetie Belle and brought her close. “Awesomeness generally doesn’t take the form of prissiness and all-around stick-up-the-buttitude. Rainbow Dash doesn’t need that. Heck, Rainbow Dash doesn’t want that. What Rainbow Dash wants and needs is someone who can keep up with her. Someone who knows her on a deep level. Someone who understands awesome stuff like flying and extreme, to-the-max stunts. Someone–” “Someone like you?” Apple Bloom smirked. Scootaloo pointed to her friend. “Shut up, Apple Bloom! You don’t know what you’re... you... just shut up, okay?!” Sweetie Belle patted her on the back. “Scootaloo, it’s okay, none of this matters.” “Seriously. Now can we get back to our mural? If our cutie marks aren’t in street art, I don’t know what they are.” Scootaloo sighed. “Look, clearly, you guys still don’t understand the fundamental concepts behind my findings. Strap in, let me explain.” Despite her friend’s objections, Scootaloo resumed scribbling numbers on the blackboard. “Now, I read the cliff notes of this book about Starswirl’s Law of Averages, and–” “Hey, squirts, what’re you up to?” Scootaloo jumped from her position and turned to see Rainbow Dash hovering above them. Not far behind was Rarity, who was strolling casually toward the blacktop. You’ve gotta be kidding me. “Oh, isn’t this darling? They seem to be drawing a mural.” Apple Bloom beamed. “Yep. We’re tryna get our cutie marks in street art.” Dash glanced. “Heh. Looks like a bunch of squiggles and squares. Pretty cool.” Rarity scoffed. “Your shocking lack of culture is showing, darling. It’s clear this is supposed to be an abstract meditation on the equine condition.” “Naw, Dash’s right. It’s a buncha squiggle’s ‘n squares we thought looked cool.” “Aw yeah,” Dash proclaimed as she pumped her hoof. “Score one for me, Rarity.” Rarity rolled her eyes and scanned the rest of the blacktop. “Scootaloo, what is it you seem to be doing over there?” “Yeah, what is this, Scoots?” Dash lowered herself to the ground and got a closer look. “Are you doing math?” Scootaloo beamed. “Oh, it’s this brilliant thing I came up with where–” “Hey, Rarity,” Sweetie interrupted, tugging at her sister’s leg. “Are you and Rainbow Dash going out?” Rarity and Scootaloo’s eyes popped open in unison while Apple Bloom simply slapped her forehead. “Sweetie Belle,” Rarity chided. “It’s not polite to be so forward with that. Rainbow Dash and I–” “Yeah, we’re dating. It’s awesome.” Dash had a proud smirk on her face as she blurted it out. It was now Rarity’s turn to slap her face. Scootaloo’s mouth fell open in horror. Sweetie Belle squeed as she rapidly jumped in circles around her sister. “Ooh, ooh, have you told your friends? How often do you go out? Do you kiss?!” “Sweetie Belle!” Rarity shouted, a blush coming on her face. “Please, would you not–” “Yes. A lot. And yes, a lot.” Rarity glared. “Rainbow Dash, I swear, the only thing more brutish than your anti-culturalism is your tongue.” Dash waved her hoof. “Oh, whatever, they were probably gonna find out soon enough. Anyway, Scoots, what was it that you were showing me?” Rainbow Dash jostled Scootaloo’s mane while Scootaloo continued to sit in silence. This is the lamest day of my life. Scootaloo, then realizing where she was, snapped back to reality and shook her head. “Oh, uh, it’s just, uh...” she tapped the blackboard and looked away from Dash. “You know, just some... stupid thing, I dunno.” Dash nodded. “Huh. Well, good luck with that.” She set Scootaloo and refocused her attention to Sweetie Belle. “So yeah, Sweetie Belle, Rarity and I go on dates, kiss, and... well, other stuff I can’t tell you about.” Sweetie’s eyes filled with disappointment. “Aw, why not?” “Oh, well, it wouldn’t be cool of me to tell you, since I’m not family, but I’m sure Rarity would be eager to tell you all about it.” Rarity gasped before charging toward Dash. “Just what in the he–” “Looks like it’s my cue to exit. I need to head to work.” Dash saluted her friends. “Rarity, I will see you later tonight.” “Now just you wait–” Before Rarity could get another word in, Rainbow Dash was off in the distant sky. Rarity gave a harsh growl as she looked to the sky and yelled “I hate you!” After that came a long, awkward silence. Scootaloo stared at the blacktop in utter dejection while Sweetie Belle continued to circle Rarity. “Hey Rarity, are you and Rainbow Dash mad at each other? Are you going to break up? What was she talking about when she said adult stuff?” Rarity sighed and rubbed her temple. “Sweetie Belle, no, Dash and I aren’t breaking up. As for everything else... can I just tell you when you’re older?” “But why?” “Yeah,” Apple Bloom chimed. “What’s the big secret?” “Tell you girls what, you drop the whole thing and stop asking questions, and I’ll treat us all to some ice cream.” Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle cheered as they excitedly followed Rarity from the park. Before they were off in the distance, Apple Bloom turned around. “Hey, Scoots, aren’t ya gonna come with us?” Instead of giving an answer, Scootaloo let out a heavy sigh. Apple Bloom shrugged as she galloped off to rejoin Rarity and Sweetie Belle. Scootaloo, now completely alone, fell to her back and looked to the sky, seeing the remains of the streak of color Dash’s bolt left behind. Rainbow Dash and Rarity... how uncool can things get? Rarity's Cure for a HangoverRainbow Dash’s moan came through the stairwell and into the kitchen. Her cries of pain were practically haunting the house. Rarity sighed as she put on the coffee. Dash finally made it into the kitchen, crawling to her seat at the breakfast table. Rarity shook her head as Dash awkwardly stumbled into her chair before resting her head on the table with a thud. Another creaky moan escaped her mouth. “Rough night?” Rarity teased. "Never drinking again," Dash weakly replied. Rarity tsked as she poured Dash a cup of coffee as well as a glass of water. “Really now, we both know that’s highly unlikely of you to follow through.” “No way, this time I mean it. Never.” “Oh, I’m sure. Just like how you ‘meant it’ when you said you wouldn’t go to Applejack’s social last night and instead stay in and help me select the color of the cloth for my new credenza.” “I meant that too! Just, it was kind of... really super boring. Seriously, if you don’t want me to get obliterated with Applejack, you're gonna have to get cooler hobbies. ” Rarity chuckled as she walked over and tussled Dash’s wild, shaggy mane. “Oh, Dash. You’re incorrigible, but you’re my diamond in the rough.” She leaned in and planted a kiss on Dash’s forehead, to which Dash replied with another groan. “Love you too, Rare, but I need toast. This is life or death, here. You want me to live, right?” Rarity leaned back and grimaced. “I do, dear, but what you need is to brush your teeth. You smell like my father on Hearth’s Warming morning.” “That comes later. Now comes toast.” Rarity rolled her eyes as she scanned the cupboards for bread, but suddenly, she came upon an epiphany. “Tell you what, darling. Instead of toast, I’ll give you something you’ll truly enjoy.” “Rarity, I’d love to, but I can’t muster that kind of energy in the morning.” The next sound that came from Dash was a shriek of pain as her migraine-rattled head was swatted with a newspaper. “That’s what you get for being a lecherous crumb bum, darling. But anyway, a hangover like this calls for me to make you a Bloody Mare.” “If you’re gonna kill me, can it at least be for something really bad, like reading your diary with Sweetie Belle... by the way, Thunderhoof was so not the hottest member of the Back Alley Colts.” Rarity rolled her eyes. “Dash, a Bloody Mare is a drink. Have you never heard of it?” “Can’t say I have.” Rarity chuckled. “Well, you’re in for a treat. Basically, a Bloody Mare is just tomato juice, vodka, and worcanter sauce, with added seasonings and whatnot depending on who makes it. Personally, I adore olives, but I also have some wasabi or celery if you want–” “Just slow down for a second,” Dash murmured with a slightly raised voice, her head still firmly planted to the table. “You want me to drink vodka in the morning? When I’m hungover.” “It’s just a little bit, darling,” Rarity explained as she began mixing the ingredients together in a glass. “This is the best cure for a hangover.” “That literally makes no sense. This was caused by me drinking too much, and now you’re saying the way to make it better is to drink more.” “It’s to ease the pain a little, Dash” Rarity replied as she tossed the contents of the glass with some ice into her shaker. “Ease the pain a... Rarity, are you a drunk?” Rarity scoffed. “Really now, dear, I’m simply trying to help you.” “You’re asking that I drink more in order to ‘ease the pain’. That’s how an alcoholic talks.” Rarity frowned. “I am not a lush, Dash, and I would appreciate it if you ended this train of thought right now.” “I’m just calling it like I see it.” “The way you ‘see it’ is more often than not wrong!” Dash grinned. “Look, we can sit here and bicker all morning, but what you really need to do is admit you have a problem.” “I was not the one spending all night ‘pounding it back’, as you would say, with friends.” “Hey, prove to me you’re not. Maybe you’ve gotten to the point where drinking all day is how you function. What’s in that coffee? Vodka? Gin? Mouthwash? It’s mouthwash, isn’t it? Don’t do it, Rarity, we love you and stuff.” “Look, you damned idiot, this is what adults do rather than spend all day wallowing in their hangovers like a teenager!” At this point, Rarity was shaking her shaker like it was her money maker. “At least teenagers aren’t alcoholics.” Rarity growled in frustration as she sent the shaker hovering over Dash’s head, dumping the contents all over her face. Dash giggled. “Oh, Rarity. You’re incorageous drama queen. But I love you.” “The word is incorrigable,” Rarity murmured with venom as Dash licked the drink on her face. “Oh, whatever... hey, this is actually pretty good. Can you make more? With olives this time.” Rainbow Dash's Unexpected Move“Rarity, this sucks, can we just go home?” “Bite your tongue, Dash, and use your indoor voice.” “You sound like my mom, you know that?” “Well maybe I wouldn’t have to sound so much like a parent if you didn’t act so much like a child.” “Ooh, diggin’ that one up again, are we? Dash is acting childish, that one never gets old.” “Well, you keep giving me reason to dust it up, so to speak. If you just for once indulge in something I would like to do and spare me your pathetic attitude, I wouldn’t have to condescend to you all the time.” “How about having some cool interests, huh? Why is it on me that you never wanna do anything I would enjoy?” “Oh, I don’t know, Dash, how about because when you date somepony, you do things with her that she would like to do because you love them.” “I never got that logic. Like, yeah, we’re living together and screwing and stuff, but where does it say we have to do stuff like this together?” “Are you dense? We are a couple. This is a date! Now get with the program! And for goodness’ sake, clean up your language, this is a formal setting–” “Erm, ladies?” “WHAT?” Rarity and Rainbow Dash snapped at the young waiter sitting by their table. Trembling in his polyester vest, he replied “I-i was just wondering if I could start you off with something to drink?” Immediately composing themselves, the two smiled to their waiter. “I’ll just stick with water, thanks,” Dash replied, hoisting her glass of tap. Browsing through the wine list, Rarity remarked “I’ll start off with a glass of Lunaire Rouge, and you can go ahead and leave the bottle, kind sir.” Taking the wine list from Rarity, the waiter nervously nodded before scampering off to retrieve the lady’s wine. Once he was gone from site, Rarity returned to her antagonistic glaring at her date, while Rainbow Dash simply looked around the lavish Manehattan restaurant and sighed. “Look, Rarity, I’m not trying to be a jerk, but this just really isn’t my scene.” She fidgeted in her shiny dress. “And unless I’m meeting some primo celebs, I don’t see why I gotta wear this getup.” Rarity rolled her eyes. “You really can’t leave your precious comfort zone for one night just to make me happy?” “And I’m telling you I don’t know why I have to do that. I’m not asking you to come to my competitions or whatever... I mean, I’m glad you do, because I like when ponies cheer me on for being awesome, but still, you don’t have to.” “You’re right, Dash. I don’t have to. And yes, your interests are certainly out of my comfort zone, but you know what? I still gladly take part in them because I want to, and it makes me happy to see you happy because we are da-ting.” Just then, the waiter arrived with the bottle of red wine, of which Rarity immediately uncorked and poured herself a glass. Drinking it all in one gulp, she looked to the waiter and daintily purred “We’ll need just a bit more time deciding our orders, darling.” The waiter nodded and shuffled off, leaving Rarity to continue her scolding. “Honestly, I’m baffled I have to even explain this to you,” she said, growing sadder with every word. Dash raised an eyebrow. “Um... are you going to drink that whole bottle?” “May as well!” Rarity replied in sardonic glee, pouring herself another glass and then drinking it in another gulp. Hiccuping, she continued “I mean, clearly it’s too much to ask that I want you to go out with me to a nice restaurant in nice clothes and generally have a nice time.” She began pouring herself another glass. “I obviously ask for too much. I mean, that’s my life, right? Like, I can’t have a charming prince, he’s just a fool.” Down went another glass. Going through a fit of goosebumps, she continued, a bit louder and less refined in her voice: “And Trenderhoof, well, why would he want me when he could have a hard-on for Applejack, right?” Dash blushed. “Um, hey, you know, ponies might be able to hear that, you should tone it down a bit.” Rarity guffawed. “Oh, oh, that’s rich. Isn’t this what you what, Dashie? I mean, it’s not like you want someone of class and style if you don’t even want to go to the effort of making them happy every once in a while, right? No, you just want someone to get drunk and shout in public!” Dash grimaced at her. “No, that’s not what I want at all. Come on, Rarity, stop. You’re fine just the way you are.” Rarity began to pour herself yet another glass, but before she drank it, she lowered her head and voice. “You know... I’m really not that bitter about Blueblood and Trenderhoof. I mean, after all, they weren’t the stallions I thought they were, and I’m much happier having realized that before it was too late.” She took a deep breath before drinking her glass. Wiping off a stain on her lip in a broad sweep, she continued in a guttural tone: “And then you came along, and I thought... wow, I am I really doing this... with her? With a her?” She giggled. “I must have been out of my mind... but I knew what I felt was real. It may not have been what I expected, but you know what? I was happy!” She looked into Dash’s eyes. “Weren’t you?” Dash cleared her throat. “Yeah, I was...” she reached out placed her hoof on Rarity’s. “Heck, I still am, even. Aren’t you?” The two looked into each others’ eyes for a long time before Rarity let out a sigh. “Some nights, like these, for instance... make me wonder why I put in so much effort.” Dash removed her hoof from the table and slunk in her chair. Sighing in and out, she looked off to the side. “...Wow.” Rarity began only sipping her next glass. “Maybe we should just go home, this was clearly a disaster,” she said, beginning to rummage through her purse for some bits. “No, no,” Dash interjected, getting out of her seat. “I’ll go.” Rarity’s eyes fluttered as she reached out with a wobbly hoof. “Dash, please, I’m just being maudlin, I’ll snap out of it soon enough, you don’t have to leave me here.” Dash sighed. “Look, this was really important to you, so I won’t get in the way of that. You just have a nice dinner at this really nice place...” she looked to the bottle of wine. “Just, uh, make sure you drink some water with your dinner, alright?” Rarity nodded as Dash turned away, dejected, and slunk out of the restaurant. Alone at last, Rarity set her head on the table, a storm of sadness and crushed grapes swimming within her. “So, uh, sorry your date stiffed you.” Rarity’s head shot up as she looked around before meeting gaze with her waiter once more. The waiter cleared his throat. “But, uh, are you gonna order something or are you just having wine?” Rarity looked at her bottle and sighed, reaching into her purse and tossing out a tiny sack of bits to her waiter. Exiting her seat, she proclaimed “suddenly, I’m in the mood for a big honking pizza.” “Oh, we have those.” Rarity scoffed. “Screw that.” She hiccuped. “Like hell I’m paying fifty bits for something probably not any better than the filthy ratshack down the street...” Rarity hiccuped again. “Um, no offense.” “Oh, none taken, this food here is horribly overpriced. You rich ponies are a bunch of chumps.” Rarity giggled. “Perhaps, but...” grabbing the bottle from the table. “Damn, if this isn’t fine wine.” “We get those from the grocery store and just slap a new label on them. No one can tell the difference.” She kissed the bottle. “Still worth every bit.” Settling for an entire Manehattan-style pizza in a hotel room, Rarity was only able to sleep at the behest of the wine in her body. Riding back to Ponyville in her cab, she was only able to stay half-awake as the thought of sleeping all day through her hangover was quite tempting. However, she kept forcing herself to stay awake and think of a proper apology for getting Dash so upset. They would kiss, make up, and life would go on as if nothing had happened. True, Rarity could easily have been coming up with arguments for why Dash should be the one to apologize, but she was too tired and homesick to make the effort. And in the end, she really couldn’t expect much from the mare she loved. This would have to be another thing Rarity would have to accept. The cab pulled up to Carousel Boutique and Rarity hesitantly stepped out, immediately putting on her sunglasses. “Just charge it to this place,” she weakly called to the driver, flailing her hoof in the direction of the Boutique. As the cab drove off, Rarity stumbled toward her home, ultimately deciding that apologies could wait as she just wanted to sleep for now. She entered the house, disregarding all the ribboned boxes and brand-new wine glasses lying everywhere in the kitchen for some reason. Frankly, she couldn’t care less at this point, and just assumed she had an order from some eccentric client who wanted glass outfits. Making a note to write that idea in her idea journal when she awoke, Rarity finally reached her destination: an empty bed. Strange, she thought, as she crawled into her sanctuary. Dash wasn’t scheduled for work today, and yet, she was out of bed, and out of the Boutique for that matter. Before finally succumbing to sleep, Rarity just assumed Dash was taking a marathon of power naps in a cloud somewhere. She was predictable like that, Rarity could at least expect that of her lover. Rarity awoke in a haze. The hangover was gone, but she was still physically exhausted from the draining events that preceded her day-long slumber. She smacked her lips and swallowed, feeling the near-suffocating dryness, deciding it was high time for some water. Leaping from her bed and trotting downstairs, Rarity quirked her eyebrow at the rumblings coming from outside. It sounded like a gathering of some sort. Odd, seeing as how it didn’t sound like a party, Rarity would be able to tell from the sounds of party cannons that it if it was a Ponyville party. Pouring herself a glass of water in the kitchen, Rarity noticed another peculiarity: there were blocks of cheese lying around everywhere. Usually, she could remember ordering this much cheese, especially if it was of such obviously fine quality (she tested herself, and nearly had a taste-gasm). Munching on her gorgonzola, Rarity pondered these anomalies: Dash nowhere to be found, kitchen littered with good cheese, Fancy Pants standing outside her window... “WHAT!?” Rarity yelped, immediately ducking behind the sink before Fancy Pants caught sight of her. Breathing intensely, Rarity desperately tried to make sense of what was going on. Just what in Equestria was Fancy Pants doing outside her window? Rarity crawled toward the back door, hoping not to be seen by anypony. She crept outside, but stopped dead in her tracks upon the sight of her yard: A veritable who’s-who of Equestrian fame and fortune were strewn about her lawn, drinking wine and enjoying cheese. Everypony from Fancy Pants to Hoity Toity to Captain Spitfire were in their best finery like it was the Canterlot Garden Party. Rarity had trouble breathing, thinking she was either dead or this was one of those dreams where she had gone to school naked... though, that wouldn’t be a very sensical dream, seeing as how she never wore clothes to school, but regardless, she felt very underdressed at the moment. She scanned her eyes across the gallery of celebrities, catching a glimpse of Fancy Pants, still in front of her kitchen window, conversing with Fleur de Lis and Hoity Toity. “I say,” Hoity proclaimed. “The theme for this gathering is simply marvelous. Who else could have thought of posh meets podunk aside from Miss Rarity? The absurd juxtaposition is most fetch.” Rarity arranged this party? Having no memory of this, she wondered exactly how much she drank last night. “Oh, Hoity,” Fancy Pants replied. “Years now, you’ve tried in vain to make ‘fetch’ the catchphrase of the season. Give up the ghost, old boy.” Hoity waved his hoof. “Fancy, dear friend, I am a trendsetter, and though my contemporaries of questionable taste–ahem–scoff at me now, I shall be lauded by generations of tomorrow for my bold innovations.” Fancy chuckled. “Indeed, if by ‘lauded’, you mean held up solely in detached, ironic celebration, then yes, truly you are your own oracle. You just can’t accept that none of us quite have the brilliance that our friend Rarity as, and–ah, speak of the devil, there she is right over there!” Rarity’s eyes glazed over. It was true. She was dead, and this was hell. She was never one for faith or superstition, and clearly, this was cosmic punishment for such arrogance. As her greeters approached, she felt herself growing smaller and smaller, eventually slinking down to the ground against the backdoor. “Miss Rarity!” Fancy Pants enthusiastically called. “Splendid gathering this is. I daresay this has been the social event of the season!” “Here, here,” Hoity and Fleur complied. “Tell us, Miss Rarity,” Fleur asked. “Just what inspired you to invite us all for such a fancy gathering in such a backwood community.” “I-I... I didn’t think of this,” Rarity weakly replied. Fancy Pants guffawed. “Such modesty, this one has. Really now, Rarity, don’t be shy, tell us who or what your muse is.” “Fancy Pants, I swear on the life of the princesses that I had nothing to do with this, and whoever threw this party together must sincerely have it out for me–” “Hey, Rarity!” a raspy, yet markedly feminine voice cried out. Oh, no. As Rarity pondered to herself what vengeful god or goddess she offended the most, Rainbow Dash, in her dress from the most recent Grand Galloping Gala, joined the group conversing with her. “Hey, babe,” she said, kneeling down to Rarity’s eye level. “I was wondering when you’d be up.” “Ah, Rainbow Dash,” Hoity remarked. “It would seem as though you were able to leave the good Captain Spitfire’s company for a scant few minutes. Quite a feat, I must say.” Dash stuck her tongue out at their snarky guest. “Yeah, well,” she nuzzled Rarity, “some ponies are a little more important... some.” “Oh, dear me,” Fancy Pants moaned. “You’re coming dangerously close to making me shed a tear, Miss Dash. I haven’t done that in twelve years, and I don’t much care for the sensation of it.” “Well, maybe you guys could skedaddle for a bit, I think Rarity’s got a few questions for me.” The three nodded as they dispersed to other sections of the party. As Rarity simply stared in disbelief, Dash beamed at her. “So, whaddya think?” “...How...why...what–” “When I got back to Ponyville, I looked through your address book and invited every posh pony I could, pretending to be you. I even had Twilight write to a few ponies herself just to coax’em even more. Then I spent the day getting wine, cheese, and fixing myself up just for this.” Rarity sat there in silence, processing this dump of information. With Dash’s help, she finally stood up and looked around. “...But what about–” “I also gave Pinkie some money to have a grand ol’ time in Manehattan. Let her get wild and crazy in some other part of Equestria for a change, right?” Dash chuckled, but grimaced at Rarity’s lack of response. Reaching out to touch her, Dash said “Hey... are you alright?” Rarity cleared her throat. “I am, it’s just... why did you do this, Rainbow Dash?” Dash sighed, kicking up a bit of dust under her. “Everything you said last night? ...Well, you were right. I don’t make enough of an effort the same way you do. Some nights, I just gotta suck it up and try to enjoy the things you do. I ruined last night for you, and I don’t wanna make the same mistake ever again.” She brought Rarity into a tight embrace. “I did this because whatever stuff I had in my mind about what couples should and shouldn’t have to do beforehand doesn’t matter anymore. I’m with you, and for you...” she kissed her cheek. “I’d do anything.” Rarity felt herself beginning to tear up. “Oh, Rainbow Dash... thank you.” Dash squeezed tighter. “You are so, so worth it.” They stayed like this for a while, until... “OOF!” Dash screamed as she felt the sharp pain of a punch to the gut from Rarity. She glared at her. “What did you do that for? I thought you were happy!” “That doesn’t excuse how you’ve made me look like trash in front of some of the most important ponies in Equestria! Honestly, Dash, the nerve. Did it not occur to you that I would need at least day’s notice to get my hair, makeup, and dress properly put together?” “I wanted it to be a big surprise for you!” “The nerve, Dash, the nerve!” The two stared into each others’ eyes for a bit, both haggard in breath, ready to tear each other apart until Dash cleared her throat again. “But, uh, we’re cool, right?” “Oh, yes, absolutely. I love you, Dash.” “Killer.”
Rarity and Rainbow Dash's Next StepRainbow Dash loved work, she really did... that is, on days when work took about ten, fifteen minutes to do at maximum. Usually, work was like that: all she had to do was move some clouds and she was done. However, when the seasons began to transition, that’s when the paperwork started to come in. As head of the weather team for Ponyville, Dash actually had to come into the office to fill out forms and spreadsheets planning out the following season’s cloud patterns. None of this pencil-pushing and number-munching really became second nature, and most of her time was spent essentially relearning everything. During the worst seasonal transitions, Rainbow Dash could spend Monday to Wednesday cooped up in the office from noon until four or even five o’clock. Needless to say, it was living hell. When she finally escaped the office at four-thirty on Wednesday, her body was taken to the mental and physical edge. After catching an emergency six-hour power nap under her favorite apple tree, Dash decided it was time to get a good night’s sleep. Flying up to her house being too daunting, she opted instead to make herself at home at Rarity’s. “Ugh,” Dash grumbled as she crawled from Rarity’s bathroom to her bed. “If I never see that office again, it’ll be too soon.” Rarity hummed noncommittally as she continued skimming through her romance novel. Finally getting into bed next to her, Dash sighed and turned off the light on her side and turned to the wall. “Thanks for letting me crash here, Rarity” she mumbled.” “Oh, anytime, Dash” Rarity replied, leaning over and planting a kiss on Dash’s head. “Have a good night, darling.” “You too.” Just before Dash was about to drift into unconsciousness, she heard Rarity let out a snort. “‘Sup?” “You know, it just occurred to me... this is the first night we’ve ever gone to bed together without... well...” “Taking out the garbage? I can do that tomorrow.” “No, Dash, I mean–” “Turning the stove off? If the stove’s on, can you take care of that? I’m really tired.” “The stove is off, Dash, what I’m saying is–” “Did you not brush your teeth? Brush your teeth if you haven’t, that’s really gross if you–” “Dash, we’re not having sex.” Dash’s eyes shot open. “Woah!” She turned to Rarity. “Raunchy, much?” Rarity’s eyebrow quirked. “Excuse me?” She asked as she slammed her book shut and put it to the side. “That is hardly raunchy, especially compared to what comes out of your filthy mouth.” “Yeah, but when I talk about banging ‘n stuff, it’s funny. When you do it, it’s... I dunno, wrong.” Rarity rolled her eyes. “Well, I see no use in arguing with your absurd double standards, and I don’t care if you think it’s ‘wrong’ I talk however I want to talk. We’re not having sex, and that’s unprecedented for us.” There was a brief silence before Dash’s eyes shot open again. “Wait, what?!” “Heavens, it’s like going in circles with you.” “Are you being completely serious right now?” “Thinking about it... yes. Every other time you’ve come over to stay the night, we’ve had–” “Hey, hey. What did I say?” Rarity sighed and rolled her eyes. “Consummated.” Dash nodded. “Better.” “Yes. Anyway, we’ve always just fallen asleep fairly quickly in the afterglow. I daresay, this is the longest amount of time we’ve spent in this bed just... talking.” Dash pondered this before looking into Rarity’s eyes. “You know, you’re right, Rare.” She scooted away from her. “I’m kind of freaking out here.” Rarity snorted. “Are you serious?” “Well, yeah, I mean, I’ve never done this with another pony before.” “With another... you mean to tell me that you’ve never slept with another pony without sleeping with them? Surely, you jest.” “No, I’m serious. Name any girlfriend, boyfriend, or whatever’s in between that I’ve had, and I’ll tell you, in graphic, disgusting detail, about what we did under the sheets, but none of it is going to involve just laying in a bed just... you know, talking.” “I’ll thank you to spare me your past dalliances, but really, Dash, this isn’t anything to be freaked out over. We’re just talking.” “Yeah, but,” she turned on her back and stared at the ceiling. “What we’re doing right now is what serious couples do.” Rarity grimaced. “Oh, and we’re not serious, to you?” Dash waved her hooves. “No, no, that’s not what I mean. We’re totally serious, it’s just... I’ve never gotten to that point before.” “Oh, come on, Dash, surely you’ve had what we would call a serious relationship before.” Dash rapidly shook her head. “Nope. Just banging. Lots of banging.” Rarity stuck her out her tongue. “Raunchy, much?” Dash smirked. “Hey, like I said, it’s funny when I say it.” Rarity chuckled. “Keep telling yourself that, darling.” “Look, the point is, I’ve never gotten to this point emotionally with somepony before you, and it’s all still so new to me, but at the same time, it’s really cool and stuff.” Rarity turned slowly. “What are you saying, Dash?” Dash flipped to her side and looked into her eyes. “I mean, I love you. Y’know?” Rarity’s eyes gleamed as her lips made a quiver. “I know exactly.” The two leaned in for a kiss that lasted a good long while. Rarity lied down on her side and brought herself closer to Dash until their faces were barely apart. “I love you too,” she whispered. Dash smirked again. “Score.” Rarity giggled. “Okay, I’ll admit, you are funny sometimes.” “Damn straight.” “Now then, I’ll let you get back to sleep, I was in the middle of a really good chapter.” She planted another kiss on Dash’s cheek. “Goodnight, Rainbow Dash. I love you.” “Love you too. G’night.” Dash turned back to face the wall and rested her eyes for a while. As tired as she was, though, she was having trouble getting to sleep. Looking behind her, she saw that Rarity was still reading her book. Curious, Dash turned back to her side. “So, uh, what’re you reading there, anyway?” She asked, sliding in closer. “Oh, well, it’s one of those young adult romances that are all the rage, these days. These teenagers live in a post-apocalyptic Equestria where Celestia and Luna have been replaced by a brutal, democratically-elected regime.” “Pfft. Democracy,” Dash scoffed. “It’ll never catch on.” “Quite, but this is what teenagers like to worry about. Anyway, they scrounge for food by day, and by night, talk about their feelings and get to know each other. It’s a coming-of-age story that looks into what it really means to become an adult in an uncaring world. Also, there’s vampires, fights to the death, and just a smidge of BDSM.” Dash wrapped her wing around Rarity and brought her close. “Are the vampires the ones doing the BDSM?” Rarity smiled at the warmth and snuggled closer to her lover. “Well, I’m only halfway through, but so far, no.” “Figures. These artsy-fartsy types never write anything good.” Rarity giggled. “No, I suppose not.” Dash sighed. “So... this is what it’s like to be a serious couple?” “Darling, what’s changed, really?” Dash shrugged. “Not much, I guess, but still, the mentality’s now all different for me now.” “Just try not to think too hard about it, Dash. We’re still the same ponies as we ever were. We just now acknowledge something... deeper.” “Yeah, I feel ya. So we just... keep living life?” Rarity nodded. “Keep living life.” Dash smiled. “Cool.”
Scootaloo's Brilliant Math“They are so not!” “Yes they are!” “Look, Sweetie, I don’t know why you’re trying to stink up Dash’s reputation, but it’s not funny, and you need to stop.” “I’m not trying to stink-up anything. I’m just telling you what I saw with my own two eyes. I saw them together at the town dance and the picnic, and they’re together at the Boutique all the time.” “That could be a lot of things. You’ve got no right to spin it into a sappy fairytale.” “What I’m wonderin’ is, why is any of this important at all? If ya don’t mind...” Apple Bloom pointed to the chalk mural that was now going sorely neglected. Scootaloo stood up at full attention. “Apple Bloom, one of the coolest ponies to ever grace the planet is being degraded, defamed, denigrated–” “What’re you, a dictionary?” Sweetie poked Scootaloo’s side and glared. “Just how is Rainbow Dash going out with my sister such a bad thing?” Scootaloo rubbed the back of her neck and let out a nervous chuckle. “Uh, well, see, Sweetie, it’s not really that. I mean, Rarity’s fine and all, she’s just... uh, I dunno, not really a Rainbow Dash type. I dunno, it would be like if she was dating Applejack, I picture it in my head, and I have to tilt why head and go ‘whaaa?’” “And just what in the heck is wrong with Applejack?” Apple Bloom asserted as she too got up and glared at Scootaloo. “Nothing! Jeeze, you two are prickly about this. Look, nothing is wrong with Rarity or Applejack, but I feel like if Dash is gonna...” She shuddered. “date, it should at least be with someone cool enough for her, and trust me, there’s not a lot to choose from.” “Rarity’s really cool!” “And so is Applejack!” “Apple Bloom, quiet, mommy and daddy are talking. And Sweetie Belle, look, Rarity’s nice and all, but... let’s face it, she is in no way cool on any objective measure.” “Objective?” “What in the heck are ya talkin’bout, Scoots?” “Look, it’s very simple...” Scootaloo took a piece of chalk and walked over to an empty part of the blacktop. As she began writing, she explained “You see, every pony has a list of factors that help determine their coolness: charisma, style, prowess, and general awesomeness, which we’ll label C, S, P, and A.” “Ain’t coolness and awesomeness just the same thing?” Scootaloo chuckled. “Not to the untrained mind, dear Apple Bloom.” “What’s wrong with ya? Ya sound like a fruitcake.” “Fruitcakes don’t talk, Apple Bloom.” “It’s a figure of speech, Sweetie Belle.” “Guys, please, I’m trying to explain important concepts to you. Anyway, as I was saying, these four factors help determine coolness, and they’re each graded on a scale of zero to twenty-five. Each of those individual scores add up on a scale of zero to a hundred.” “Mhm,” Apple Bloom hummed as she rolled her eyes. “And I’m just gonna take a wild guess and say that Rainbow Dash is rated twenty-five on each o’those stats?” Scootaloo gave a nod. “You’re learning, Apple Bloom. Naturally then, only ponies who are at that same level of coolness should have the right to go out with Rainbow Dash, and no offense, Sweetie Belle, but while Rarity has 25P, C, and S, her Ga levels are sorely lacking.” Sweetie Belle glared. “What’s not awesome about Rarity?” Scootaloo clicked her tongue and shook her head. “Oh, Sweetie Belle. Poor, naive Sweetie Belle. I’m sure as her sister, you only see her qualities through rose-tinted glasses, but it’s time we stop kidding ourselves.” She wrapped her foreleg around Sweetie Belle and brought her close. “Awesomeness generally doesn’t take the form of prissiness and all-around stick-up-the-buttitude. Rainbow Dash doesn’t need that. Heck, Rainbow Dash doesn’t want that. What Rainbow Dash wants and needs is someone who can keep up with her. Someone who knows her on a deep level. Someone who understands awesome stuff like flying and extreme, to-the-max stunts. Someone–” “Someone like you?” Apple Bloom smirked. Scootaloo pointed to her friend. “Shut up, Apple Bloom! You don’t know what you’re... you... just shut up, okay?!” Sweetie Belle patted her on the back. “Scootaloo, it’s okay, none of this matters.” “Seriously. Now can we get back to our mural? If our cutie marks aren’t in street art, I don’t know what they are.” Scootaloo sighed. “Look, clearly, you guys still don’t understand the fundamental concepts behind my findings. Strap in, let me explain.” Despite her friend’s objections, Scootaloo resumed scribbling numbers on the blackboard. “Now, I read the cliff notes of this book about Starswirl’s Law of Averages, and–” “Hey, squirts, what’re you up to?” Scootaloo jumped from her position and turned to see Rainbow Dash hovering above them. Not far behind was Rarity, who was strolling casually toward the blacktop. You’ve gotta be kidding me. “Oh, isn’t this darling? They seem to be drawing a mural.” Apple Bloom beamed. “Yep. We’re tryna get our cutie marks in street art.” Dash glanced. “Heh. Looks like a bunch of squiggles and squares. Pretty cool.” Rarity scoffed. “Your shocking lack of culture is showing, darling. It’s clear this is supposed to be an abstract meditation on the equine condition.” “Naw, Dash’s right. It’s a buncha squiggle’s ‘n squares we thought looked cool.” “Aw yeah,” Dash proclaimed as she pumped her hoof. “Score one for me, Rarity.” Rarity rolled her eyes and scanned the rest of the blacktop. “Scootaloo, what is it you seem to be doing over there?” “Yeah, what is this, Scoots?” Dash lowered herself to the ground and got a closer look. “Are you doing math?” Scootaloo beamed. “Oh, it’s this brilliant thing I came up with where–” “Hey, Rarity,” Sweetie interrupted, tugging at her sister’s leg. “Are you and Rainbow Dash going out?” Rarity and Scootaloo’s eyes popped open in unison while Apple Bloom simply slapped her forehead. “Sweetie Belle,” Rarity chided. “It’s not polite to be so forward with that. Rainbow Dash and I–” “Yeah, we’re dating. It’s awesome.” Dash had a proud smirk on her face as she blurted it out. It was now Rarity’s turn to slap her face. Scootaloo’s mouth fell open in horror. Sweetie Belle squeed as she rapidly jumped in circles around her sister. “Ooh, ooh, have you told your friends? How often do you go out? Do you kiss?!” “Sweetie Belle!” Rarity shouted, a blush coming on her face. “Please, would you not–” “Yes. A lot. And yes, a lot.” Rarity glared. “Rainbow Dash, I swear, the only thing more brutish than your anti-culturalism is your tongue.” Dash waved her hoof. “Oh, whatever, they were probably gonna find out soon enough. Anyway, Scoots, what was it that you were showing me?” Rainbow Dash jostled Scootaloo’s mane while Scootaloo continued to sit in silence. This is the lamest day of my life. Scootaloo, then realizing where she was, snapped back to reality and shook her head. “Oh, uh, it’s just, uh...” she tapped the blackboard and looked away from Dash. “You know, just some... stupid thing, I dunno.” Dash nodded. “Huh. Well, good luck with that.” She set Scootaloo and refocused her attention to Sweetie Belle. “So yeah, Sweetie Belle, Rarity and I go on dates, kiss, and... well, other stuff I can’t tell you about.” Sweetie’s eyes filled with disappointment. “Aw, why not?” “Oh, well, it wouldn’t be cool of me to tell you, since I’m not family, but I’m sure Rarity would be eager to tell you all about it.” Rarity gasped before charging toward Dash. “Just what in the he–” “Looks like it’s my cue to exit. I need to head to work.” Dash saluted her friends. “Rarity, I will see you later tonight.” “Now just you wait–” Before Rarity could get another word in, Rainbow Dash was off in the distant sky. Rarity gave a harsh growl as she looked to the sky and yelled “I hate you!” After that came a long, awkward silence. Scootaloo stared at the blacktop in utter dejection while Sweetie Belle continued to circle Rarity. “Hey Rarity, are you and Rainbow Dash mad at each other? Are you going to break up? What was she talking about when she said adult stuff?” Rarity sighed and rubbed her temple. “Sweetie Belle, no, Dash and I aren’t breaking up. As for everything else... can I just tell you when you’re older?” “But why?” “Yeah,” Apple Bloom chimed. “What’s the big secret?” “Tell you girls what, you drop the whole thing and stop asking questions, and I’ll treat us all to some ice cream.” Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle cheered as they excitedly followed Rarity from the park. Before they were off in the distance, Apple Bloom turned around. “Hey, Scoots, aren’t ya gonna come with us?” Instead of giving an answer, Scootaloo let out a heavy sigh. Apple Bloom shrugged as she galloped off to rejoin Rarity and Sweetie Belle. Scootaloo, now completely alone, fell to her back and looked to the sky, seeing the remains of the streak of color Dash’s bolt left behind. Rainbow Dash and Rarity... how uncool can things get?
Rarity's Cure for a HangoverRainbow Dash’s moan came through the stairwell and into the kitchen. Her cries of pain were practically haunting the house. Rarity sighed as she put on the coffee. Dash finally made it into the kitchen, crawling to her seat at the breakfast table. Rarity shook her head as Dash awkwardly stumbled into her chair before resting her head on the table with a thud. Another creaky moan escaped her mouth. “Rough night?” Rarity teased. "Never drinking again," Dash weakly replied. Rarity tsked as she poured Dash a cup of coffee as well as a glass of water. “Really now, we both know that’s highly unlikely of you to follow through.” “No way, this time I mean it. Never.” “Oh, I’m sure. Just like how you ‘meant it’ when you said you wouldn’t go to Applejack’s social last night and instead stay in and help me select the color of the cloth for my new credenza.” “I meant that too! Just, it was kind of... really super boring. Seriously, if you don’t want me to get obliterated with Applejack, you're gonna have to get cooler hobbies. ” Rarity chuckled as she walked over and tussled Dash’s wild, shaggy mane. “Oh, Dash. You’re incorrigible, but you’re my diamond in the rough.” She leaned in and planted a kiss on Dash’s forehead, to which Dash replied with another groan. “Love you too, Rare, but I need toast. This is life or death, here. You want me to live, right?” Rarity leaned back and grimaced. “I do, dear, but what you need is to brush your teeth. You smell like my father on Hearth’s Warming morning.” “That comes later. Now comes toast.” Rarity rolled her eyes as she scanned the cupboards for bread, but suddenly, she came upon an epiphany. “Tell you what, darling. Instead of toast, I’ll give you something you’ll truly enjoy.” “Rarity, I’d love to, but I can’t muster that kind of energy in the morning.” The next sound that came from Dash was a shriek of pain as her migraine-rattled head was swatted with a newspaper. “That’s what you get for being a lecherous crumb bum, darling. But anyway, a hangover like this calls for me to make you a Bloody Mare.” “If you’re gonna kill me, can it at least be for something really bad, like reading your diary with Sweetie Belle... by the way, Thunderhoof was so not the hottest member of the Back Alley Colts.” Rarity rolled her eyes. “Dash, a Bloody Mare is a drink. Have you never heard of it?” “Can’t say I have.” Rarity chuckled. “Well, you’re in for a treat. Basically, a Bloody Mare is just tomato juice, vodka, and worcanter sauce, with added seasonings and whatnot depending on who makes it. Personally, I adore olives, but I also have some wasabi or celery if you want–” “Just slow down for a second,” Dash murmured with a slightly raised voice, her head still firmly planted to the table. “You want me to drink vodka in the morning? When I’m hungover.” “It’s just a little bit, darling,” Rarity explained as she began mixing the ingredients together in a glass. “This is the best cure for a hangover.” “That literally makes no sense. This was caused by me drinking too much, and now you’re saying the way to make it better is to drink more.” “It’s to ease the pain a little, Dash” Rarity replied as she tossed the contents of the glass with some ice into her shaker. “Ease the pain a... Rarity, are you a drunk?” Rarity scoffed. “Really now, dear, I’m simply trying to help you.” “You’re asking that I drink more in order to ‘ease the pain’. That’s how an alcoholic talks.” Rarity frowned. “I am not a lush, Dash, and I would appreciate it if you ended this train of thought right now.” “I’m just calling it like I see it.” “The way you ‘see it’ is more often than not wrong!” Dash grinned. “Look, we can sit here and bicker all morning, but what you really need to do is admit you have a problem.” “I was not the one spending all night ‘pounding it back’, as you would say, with friends.” “Hey, prove to me you’re not. Maybe you’ve gotten to the point where drinking all day is how you function. What’s in that coffee? Vodka? Gin? Mouthwash? It’s mouthwash, isn’t it? Don’t do it, Rarity, we love you and stuff.” “Look, you damned idiot, this is what adults do rather than spend all day wallowing in their hangovers like a teenager!” At this point, Rarity was shaking her shaker like it was her money maker. “At least teenagers aren’t alcoholics.” Rarity growled in frustration as she sent the shaker hovering over Dash’s head, dumping the contents all over her face. Dash giggled. “Oh, Rarity. You’re incorageous drama queen. But I love you.” “The word is incorrigable,” Rarity murmured with venom as Dash licked the drink on her face. “Oh, whatever... hey, this is actually pretty good. Can you make more? With olives this time.”
Rainbow Dash's Unexpected Move“Rarity, this sucks, can we just go home?” “Bite your tongue, Dash, and use your indoor voice.” “You sound like my mom, you know that?” “Well maybe I wouldn’t have to sound so much like a parent if you didn’t act so much like a child.” “Ooh, diggin’ that one up again, are we? Dash is acting childish, that one never gets old.” “Well, you keep giving me reason to dust it up, so to speak. If you just for once indulge in something I would like to do and spare me your pathetic attitude, I wouldn’t have to condescend to you all the time.” “How about having some cool interests, huh? Why is it on me that you never wanna do anything I would enjoy?” “Oh, I don’t know, Dash, how about because when you date somepony, you do things with her that she would like to do because you love them.” “I never got that logic. Like, yeah, we’re living together and screwing and stuff, but where does it say we have to do stuff like this together?” “Are you dense? We are a couple. This is a date! Now get with the program! And for goodness’ sake, clean up your language, this is a formal setting–” “Erm, ladies?” “WHAT?” Rarity and Rainbow Dash snapped at the young waiter sitting by their table. Trembling in his polyester vest, he replied “I-i was just wondering if I could start you off with something to drink?” Immediately composing themselves, the two smiled to their waiter. “I’ll just stick with water, thanks,” Dash replied, hoisting her glass of tap. Browsing through the wine list, Rarity remarked “I’ll start off with a glass of Lunaire Rouge, and you can go ahead and leave the bottle, kind sir.” Taking the wine list from Rarity, the waiter nervously nodded before scampering off to retrieve the lady’s wine. Once he was gone from site, Rarity returned to her antagonistic glaring at her date, while Rainbow Dash simply looked around the lavish Manehattan restaurant and sighed. “Look, Rarity, I’m not trying to be a jerk, but this just really isn’t my scene.” She fidgeted in her shiny dress. “And unless I’m meeting some primo celebs, I don’t see why I gotta wear this getup.” Rarity rolled her eyes. “You really can’t leave your precious comfort zone for one night just to make me happy?” “And I’m telling you I don’t know why I have to do that. I’m not asking you to come to my competitions or whatever... I mean, I’m glad you do, because I like when ponies cheer me on for being awesome, but still, you don’t have to.” “You’re right, Dash. I don’t have to. And yes, your interests are certainly out of my comfort zone, but you know what? I still gladly take part in them because I want to, and it makes me happy to see you happy because we are da-ting.” Just then, the waiter arrived with the bottle of red wine, of which Rarity immediately uncorked and poured herself a glass. Drinking it all in one gulp, she looked to the waiter and daintily purred “We’ll need just a bit more time deciding our orders, darling.” The waiter nodded and shuffled off, leaving Rarity to continue her scolding. “Honestly, I’m baffled I have to even explain this to you,” she said, growing sadder with every word. Dash raised an eyebrow. “Um... are you going to drink that whole bottle?” “May as well!” Rarity replied in sardonic glee, pouring herself another glass and then drinking it in another gulp. Hiccuping, she continued “I mean, clearly it’s too much to ask that I want you to go out with me to a nice restaurant in nice clothes and generally have a nice time.” She began pouring herself another glass. “I obviously ask for too much. I mean, that’s my life, right? Like, I can’t have a charming prince, he’s just a fool.” Down went another glass. Going through a fit of goosebumps, she continued, a bit louder and less refined in her voice: “And Trenderhoof, well, why would he want me when he could have a hard-on for Applejack, right?” Dash blushed. “Um, hey, you know, ponies might be able to hear that, you should tone it down a bit.” Rarity guffawed. “Oh, oh, that’s rich. Isn’t this what you what, Dashie? I mean, it’s not like you want someone of class and style if you don’t even want to go to the effort of making them happy every once in a while, right? No, you just want someone to get drunk and shout in public!” Dash grimaced at her. “No, that’s not what I want at all. Come on, Rarity, stop. You’re fine just the way you are.” Rarity began to pour herself yet another glass, but before she drank it, she lowered her head and voice. “You know... I’m really not that bitter about Blueblood and Trenderhoof. I mean, after all, they weren’t the stallions I thought they were, and I’m much happier having realized that before it was too late.” She took a deep breath before drinking her glass. Wiping off a stain on her lip in a broad sweep, she continued in a guttural tone: “And then you came along, and I thought... wow, I am I really doing this... with her? With a her?” She giggled. “I must have been out of my mind... but I knew what I felt was real. It may not have been what I expected, but you know what? I was happy!” She looked into Dash’s eyes. “Weren’t you?” Dash cleared her throat. “Yeah, I was...” she reached out placed her hoof on Rarity’s. “Heck, I still am, even. Aren’t you?” The two looked into each others’ eyes for a long time before Rarity let out a sigh. “Some nights, like these, for instance... make me wonder why I put in so much effort.” Dash removed her hoof from the table and slunk in her chair. Sighing in and out, she looked off to the side. “...Wow.” Rarity began only sipping her next glass. “Maybe we should just go home, this was clearly a disaster,” she said, beginning to rummage through her purse for some bits. “No, no,” Dash interjected, getting out of her seat. “I’ll go.” Rarity’s eyes fluttered as she reached out with a wobbly hoof. “Dash, please, I’m just being maudlin, I’ll snap out of it soon enough, you don’t have to leave me here.” Dash sighed. “Look, this was really important to you, so I won’t get in the way of that. You just have a nice dinner at this really nice place...” she looked to the bottle of wine. “Just, uh, make sure you drink some water with your dinner, alright?” Rarity nodded as Dash turned away, dejected, and slunk out of the restaurant. Alone at last, Rarity set her head on the table, a storm of sadness and crushed grapes swimming within her. “So, uh, sorry your date stiffed you.” Rarity’s head shot up as she looked around before meeting gaze with her waiter once more. The waiter cleared his throat. “But, uh, are you gonna order something or are you just having wine?” Rarity looked at her bottle and sighed, reaching into her purse and tossing out a tiny sack of bits to her waiter. Exiting her seat, she proclaimed “suddenly, I’m in the mood for a big honking pizza.” “Oh, we have those.” Rarity scoffed. “Screw that.” She hiccuped. “Like hell I’m paying fifty bits for something probably not any better than the filthy ratshack down the street...” Rarity hiccuped again. “Um, no offense.” “Oh, none taken, this food here is horribly overpriced. You rich ponies are a bunch of chumps.” Rarity giggled. “Perhaps, but...” grabbing the bottle from the table. “Damn, if this isn’t fine wine.” “We get those from the grocery store and just slap a new label on them. No one can tell the difference.” She kissed the bottle. “Still worth every bit.” Settling for an entire Manehattan-style pizza in a hotel room, Rarity was only able to sleep at the behest of the wine in her body. Riding back to Ponyville in her cab, she was only able to stay half-awake as the thought of sleeping all day through her hangover was quite tempting. However, she kept forcing herself to stay awake and think of a proper apology for getting Dash so upset. They would kiss, make up, and life would go on as if nothing had happened. True, Rarity could easily have been coming up with arguments for why Dash should be the one to apologize, but she was too tired and homesick to make the effort. And in the end, she really couldn’t expect much from the mare she loved. This would have to be another thing Rarity would have to accept. The cab pulled up to Carousel Boutique and Rarity hesitantly stepped out, immediately putting on her sunglasses. “Just charge it to this place,” she weakly called to the driver, flailing her hoof in the direction of the Boutique. As the cab drove off, Rarity stumbled toward her home, ultimately deciding that apologies could wait as she just wanted to sleep for now. She entered the house, disregarding all the ribboned boxes and brand-new wine glasses lying everywhere in the kitchen for some reason. Frankly, she couldn’t care less at this point, and just assumed she had an order from some eccentric client who wanted glass outfits. Making a note to write that idea in her idea journal when she awoke, Rarity finally reached her destination: an empty bed. Strange, she thought, as she crawled into her sanctuary. Dash wasn’t scheduled for work today, and yet, she was out of bed, and out of the Boutique for that matter. Before finally succumbing to sleep, Rarity just assumed Dash was taking a marathon of power naps in a cloud somewhere. She was predictable like that, Rarity could at least expect that of her lover. Rarity awoke in a haze. The hangover was gone, but she was still physically exhausted from the draining events that preceded her day-long slumber. She smacked her lips and swallowed, feeling the near-suffocating dryness, deciding it was high time for some water. Leaping from her bed and trotting downstairs, Rarity quirked her eyebrow at the rumblings coming from outside. It sounded like a gathering of some sort. Odd, seeing as how it didn’t sound like a party, Rarity would be able to tell from the sounds of party cannons that it if it was a Ponyville party. Pouring herself a glass of water in the kitchen, Rarity noticed another peculiarity: there were blocks of cheese lying around everywhere. Usually, she could remember ordering this much cheese, especially if it was of such obviously fine quality (she tested herself, and nearly had a taste-gasm). Munching on her gorgonzola, Rarity pondered these anomalies: Dash nowhere to be found, kitchen littered with good cheese, Fancy Pants standing outside her window... “WHAT!?” Rarity yelped, immediately ducking behind the sink before Fancy Pants caught sight of her. Breathing intensely, Rarity desperately tried to make sense of what was going on. Just what in Equestria was Fancy Pants doing outside her window? Rarity crawled toward the back door, hoping not to be seen by anypony. She crept outside, but stopped dead in her tracks upon the sight of her yard: A veritable who’s-who of Equestrian fame and fortune were strewn about her lawn, drinking wine and enjoying cheese. Everypony from Fancy Pants to Hoity Toity to Captain Spitfire were in their best finery like it was the Canterlot Garden Party. Rarity had trouble breathing, thinking she was either dead or this was one of those dreams where she had gone to school naked... though, that wouldn’t be a very sensical dream, seeing as how she never wore clothes to school, but regardless, she felt very underdressed at the moment. She scanned her eyes across the gallery of celebrities, catching a glimpse of Fancy Pants, still in front of her kitchen window, conversing with Fleur de Lis and Hoity Toity. “I say,” Hoity proclaimed. “The theme for this gathering is simply marvelous. Who else could have thought of posh meets podunk aside from Miss Rarity? The absurd juxtaposition is most fetch.” Rarity arranged this party? Having no memory of this, she wondered exactly how much she drank last night. “Oh, Hoity,” Fancy Pants replied. “Years now, you’ve tried in vain to make ‘fetch’ the catchphrase of the season. Give up the ghost, old boy.” Hoity waved his hoof. “Fancy, dear friend, I am a trendsetter, and though my contemporaries of questionable taste–ahem–scoff at me now, I shall be lauded by generations of tomorrow for my bold innovations.” Fancy chuckled. “Indeed, if by ‘lauded’, you mean held up solely in detached, ironic celebration, then yes, truly you are your own oracle. You just can’t accept that none of us quite have the brilliance that our friend Rarity as, and–ah, speak of the devil, there she is right over there!” Rarity’s eyes glazed over. It was true. She was dead, and this was hell. She was never one for faith or superstition, and clearly, this was cosmic punishment for such arrogance. As her greeters approached, she felt herself growing smaller and smaller, eventually slinking down to the ground against the backdoor. “Miss Rarity!” Fancy Pants enthusiastically called. “Splendid gathering this is. I daresay this has been the social event of the season!” “Here, here,” Hoity and Fleur complied. “Tell us, Miss Rarity,” Fleur asked. “Just what inspired you to invite us all for such a fancy gathering in such a backwood community.” “I-I... I didn’t think of this,” Rarity weakly replied. Fancy Pants guffawed. “Such modesty, this one has. Really now, Rarity, don’t be shy, tell us who or what your muse is.” “Fancy Pants, I swear on the life of the princesses that I had nothing to do with this, and whoever threw this party together must sincerely have it out for me–” “Hey, Rarity!” a raspy, yet markedly feminine voice cried out. Oh, no. As Rarity pondered to herself what vengeful god or goddess she offended the most, Rainbow Dash, in her dress from the most recent Grand Galloping Gala, joined the group conversing with her. “Hey, babe,” she said, kneeling down to Rarity’s eye level. “I was wondering when you’d be up.” “Ah, Rainbow Dash,” Hoity remarked. “It would seem as though you were able to leave the good Captain Spitfire’s company for a scant few minutes. Quite a feat, I must say.” Dash stuck her tongue out at their snarky guest. “Yeah, well,” she nuzzled Rarity, “some ponies are a little more important... some.” “Oh, dear me,” Fancy Pants moaned. “You’re coming dangerously close to making me shed a tear, Miss Dash. I haven’t done that in twelve years, and I don’t much care for the sensation of it.” “Well, maybe you guys could skedaddle for a bit, I think Rarity’s got a few questions for me.” The three nodded as they dispersed to other sections of the party. As Rarity simply stared in disbelief, Dash beamed at her. “So, whaddya think?” “...How...why...what–” “When I got back to Ponyville, I looked through your address book and invited every posh pony I could, pretending to be you. I even had Twilight write to a few ponies herself just to coax’em even more. Then I spent the day getting wine, cheese, and fixing myself up just for this.” Rarity sat there in silence, processing this dump of information. With Dash’s help, she finally stood up and looked around. “...But what about–” “I also gave Pinkie some money to have a grand ol’ time in Manehattan. Let her get wild and crazy in some other part of Equestria for a change, right?” Dash chuckled, but grimaced at Rarity’s lack of response. Reaching out to touch her, Dash said “Hey... are you alright?” Rarity cleared her throat. “I am, it’s just... why did you do this, Rainbow Dash?” Dash sighed, kicking up a bit of dust under her. “Everything you said last night? ...Well, you were right. I don’t make enough of an effort the same way you do. Some nights, I just gotta suck it up and try to enjoy the things you do. I ruined last night for you, and I don’t wanna make the same mistake ever again.” She brought Rarity into a tight embrace. “I did this because whatever stuff I had in my mind about what couples should and shouldn’t have to do beforehand doesn’t matter anymore. I’m with you, and for you...” she kissed her cheek. “I’d do anything.” Rarity felt herself beginning to tear up. “Oh, Rainbow Dash... thank you.” Dash squeezed tighter. “You are so, so worth it.” They stayed like this for a while, until... “OOF!” Dash screamed as she felt the sharp pain of a punch to the gut from Rarity. She glared at her. “What did you do that for? I thought you were happy!” “That doesn’t excuse how you’ve made me look like trash in front of some of the most important ponies in Equestria! Honestly, Dash, the nerve. Did it not occur to you that I would need at least day’s notice to get my hair, makeup, and dress properly put together?” “I wanted it to be a big surprise for you!” “The nerve, Dash, the nerve!” The two stared into each others’ eyes for a bit, both haggard in breath, ready to tear each other apart until Dash cleared her throat again. “But, uh, we’re cool, right?” “Oh, yes, absolutely. I love you, Dash.” “Killer.”
