“Ugh.... I think I need to start drinking coffee.”

It was the evening before the funeral, and apparently I had ordered more things while I was half asleep. I was staring sleepily at a bell taken from Starswirl’s hat, some ornamental wing blades, and a purple scale that was taken from Spike when he arrived with the other five Element Bearers a few hours earlier.

“You do know how much caffeine it’ll need just to perk you up,” Sol said, downing her third cup of the liquid.

I groaned, letting my head hit the table. “I wish this world had ‘Dew....”

"Mountain Dew?" Typhon glanced to my zombified form.

“Yeah, it’s the only soda I drink when I go to Taco Bell or any other place that has it.” I pulled my arms up and rested my head on them, looking at the small pile of objects in front of me. “I had almost made my own flavor with twice as much caffeine as the regular when I went to that 'con.”

Kat made a strange face. “...that just puts nightmares in my head if certain ponies got a hold of that stuff.”

“.... Oh god that’s a scary thought; Pinkie drinking Mountain Dew.”

"Four times out of five, the results are actually underwhelming, if there are any. You do need to watch out for the remaining one time." Typhon pursed his lips. "I rarely stocked soda in my inventory - well, rarely this last century, once soda started to gain ground on the market and I could get any I wanted, when I wanted it."

“You mean the living soda pony?" Kat asked. "Oh, what was her name? ...it’s on the tip of my tongue....satané, I can’t remember.”

“.... Living soda pony?” My confusion was clear on my face.

“Typhon’s Discord had quite the imagination. He created ponies made of food, for instance. I remember the soda pony and cotton candy pony, but I don’t know if he made any others.”

"No, I mentioned a taffy pony being made by Discord. The soda pony was an honest-to-goodness magical 'mistake'; ever heard about too many cooks spoiling the broth? Try too many ponies trying to disenchant and/or protect themselves from another's case of unicorn flu." Typhon clutched his fork. "It was beautiful in the sense of all those things coming together and making a pony out of a few bottles of Doctor Pepper... then we find out it can happen under... different circumstances."

“Oh, whatever,” Kat waved off. “My brain’s wobbly, too ya know. Can’t be expected to remember every last tiny little detail.”

“Damn, talk about harsh,” I said, trying not to think of how painful it would be to be told you were an accident.

"Harsh? What, the accident? They threw her a party. She's good, and has a good life." Typhon rolled his eyes. "Like humans don't know about creating life by 'accident'. Rubber breaks sometimes, you know."

I gave Typhon a blank stare. “Rubber?”

"Contraception." Typhon shrugged. "I take it you didn't... I can't seem to word that in a way it doesn't sound bad. Suffice to say, you better abstain until you figure out something that works on you."

“Contra-what?” I shook my head. “Nevermind. Where I’m from everyone learns about ‘the birds and the bees’ in kindergarten. Everyone knows to not have sex unless they want children.”

“Wow, that’s kinda odd, honestly. In the Midwest that kinda stuff doesn’t come until middle school and even then we were taught about condoms and birth control… not that that the two of us need either of those things,” Kat said offhandedly.

“What part; Oklahoma, Kansas?”

“Little more to the north; Nebraska.”

“Ah, I’m from Texas myself. Never really left the state once my family moved there from Florida.”

"It's easy to take this tone as a simple tan, particularly since sunlight doesn't really have much of an effect anymore thanks to my ring, but I'm Latino." Typhon clarified. "South of Texas. Right in the plateau."

“You do still have a slight accent. I had thought you were from New Mexico,” I said, a smile working its way onto my face.

“Mmm, no wonder you’re sexy,” Kat teased with a smirk. “Never thought I’d find myself a Latin lover of all things~.”

"Accent? If anything, the way I enounce, given my rickety progress, makes me sound a little English - so I was told." He shrugged indifferently. "Still, I did learn piano and guitar the first time I was a teen..."

“I’ve been listening to Spanish for so long that I can tell if someone’s Latino or just spoke it for a few years,” I explained. “If I had a mind that could learn more than one language I’d be speaking Spanish fluently right now.”

“Trust me,” Kat groaned. “It’s not as grand as you think, speaking another language.”

"It isn't when it's unwilling, yes." Typhon tilted his head. "And I don't think that's how accents work. If anything, I've spoken 'English' for so long, and around so many 'native' speakers, that I've self-corrected. Maybe it was just gut-feeling? That's a thing that exists in places like these."

“Maybe, I’ve been able to tell no matter what the evidence against it was,” I said, nonplussed. “Still, it’s always been a mark against me when I tried to get a job.” I waved a hand. “Anyways, do you two have any idea what these are for?”

"You said something about making arrangements for the funeral before going to sleep; my guess is that this is related but you were so tired your memory fizzled out."

“No, I remember that part and then going to sleep-” I slapped a hand to my forehead. “with my head resting on the pages of Celestia’s diary.”

"You'd think that'd be too important to forget, but not everyone can be one of God's blessed few; the morning people." Typhon ate a piece of bacon, then started on the hash browns. "Mind you, you're lucky you didn't wake up with her poetry all over your face."

I laughed, “I am a morning person, as long as I get at least five hours of uninterrupted sleep.” My smile slowly faded as I thought of what I remembered from the book. “She didn’t have poetry in there....”

“Are you alright, Max?” Kat asked, sounding comforting.

I shuddered. “Celestia had to have been taken over by a malevolent force, twisted into a proud and arrogant caricature that wanted nothing more than her own sister’s death.... T-there were many half-completed plans pointing to nothing else.” I whispered, “Where I fell asleep a cold, heartless being had been writing....”

“That remains a constant, it seems,” Kat muttered. “One of the princesses falls to the dark side and attempts to overthrow the other. But every time, deep down, their true self was trying desperately to break free.”

I looked up at Kat, guilt and regret clearly written on my face. “I told them. I told them that she would fall, that there was no other path to take. It would end with her triumph, or her imprisonment....”

"There's always a path; I've seen it, believe me." Typhon looked at both girls with a smile. "It's hard, true, and sometimes the chances are bad... but there is always something, like a Twilight Sparkle lost in the timestream, or... or sometimes it's a ploy of Luna's to prevent Celestia's own fall. Stories are a little bit different for every bit they are the same."

Looking down, I thought, There always is, but I took those other paths from them when I gave them my prophecy. “I know I should read everything in there, but I won’t be able to stand that madness again,” I said finally.

"I know that look - see, you might have told them, reduced their options in their eyes, but sometimes that's the best move. Leave too many paths, and you get lost; Celestia tends to be too arrogant or near-sighted to find her way properly. It's the reason Luna goes mad from isolation." Typhon tapped his fork on his plate. "Luna is... tends to vary, but she's not exactly the paragon of foresight."

“Nearsighted! That’s it!” I reached into my bag and, pulling out the diary, turned to a page near the front. “Here it is: Holo herself telling Celly and Luna how to get into the royal catacombs!”

"Nice; I'm assuming a magical lock of some kind?" Typhon asked with a growing amount of mirth. "Or a series of them - why have two doors if both are opened with the same key?"

“It’s not just a magical lock that’s protecting the catacombs,” I said with a grin. “The best guard in the universe patrols right in front of it.”

“Gandalf?” Kat asked with a little smile.

"A Sniper Joe." Typhon chuckled.

“Gandalf isn’t a guard, he’s a wizard!” I said, jokingly taken aback, “I’m talking of Fluffy’s bigger cousin; Cerberus.”

“Fluffy’s better,” Kat grumbled. “Never liked bulldogs like Cerberus.”

“That’s why I said bigger, though Cerberus isn’t a bulldog here. He’s a mastiff, like Hercules from the Sandlot movies.”

"Dogs get confused around me - anything that relies that much on smell does." Typhon commented. "I swish the Breeze, then bam, instant omnipresence of scent. Not hyperbole; it covers everywhere."

“His nose relies on magic, if he senses you doing that, he’ll think of it as an attack. I’d rather not have to dodge those stalactite teeth of his,” I said nervously.

"Magic? You think I use magic? It's the manipulation of reality itself... and it's not like I didn't do it already. He's going to have to... deal with it." Typhon then put on a pair of shades over his glasses, even though it looked a little silly. "Pfft, magic. He's going to have to become unable to rely on his nose like any other person."

“Dear, please take those off. They make you look dorkier than you should.” Kat took a sip of her coffee. “I don’t use magic either. My gravity and energy powers are something different.”

“Still, I don’t know if he could sense the disturbance. It’ll be better to be cautious around him,” I said, still a bit put off by what I had read. “He used to be a very powerful demon that could tear holes into other universes until those of The Harvest bound him to the gates of Tartarus in an effort to keep him from unleashing his army on the multiverse.”

"Those are a pain, yes." Typhon pursed his lips as he took his shades off. "But there are others, even without counting us, that have similar powers, sometimes because of an object, and can bind him into a single instance - the Chrono Cross comes to mind."

“And how many would have fallen before that bloodthirsty army was stopped? How many would have been left slaughtered in their wake? Even Barbaroi, the dragon of the Hunt, wouldn’t allow that price on his conscience,” Holo said.

"You'd be surprised - pleasantly so." Typhon said. "That kind of things attract attention before they start - the residents of the In-Betweens tend to dislike demonic armies traipsing all over the place, go figure. Fate and Destiny don't manage themselves."

I snorted derisively, “Fate. I’d sooner it didn’t exist.”

"It's as valid as a road on the ground - the trick, however, is that you can chose another, or make one yourself." Typhon retorted. "Fate and Destiny are relatively neutral, like Life itself - it's when someone starts driving that things can get... less-than-pleasant. Look at me, since it was 'Fate', if a borrowed one, what let me become what I am."

Hmph, Fate favors some over others, then, I thought, before saying, “Fine, I’ll save my anger for Hurricane alone.”

"I'd say something - again - but yeah; he has it coming, and it's no-ones fault but his." Typhon shrugged; defending the bad guys had a point of diminishing returns. "He attacked the nation with the intention of destabilizing it, and it's obvious he didn't think about what would happen to the sun and moon. Even I would show him what happens to air when it gets compressed enough... and what happens when I send it towards something - I can aim better now, too."

“That bastard Pegasus is mine!” I snapped, banging my fist on the table as my powers flared again. Once more the plants around the room turned to dust, followed by everyone’s clothes save Typhon's.

“Oh come on!” Kat whined, quickly snapping on another outfit. “That’s the third destroyed in two days! Not fair!”

"Timelessness for the win." Typhon smirked. "Also, I hope I made enough duplicates."

“No one, I repeat, no one gives him lasting wounds or takes his life besides me,” I said venomously.

“Max, calm down,” Kat said slowly. “We’re not trying to take away your revenge, just offering a little extra punishment.”

I turned to Kat preparing a scathing remark, barely realizing in time what I was about to say. What is with me? I know I’m angry about what Hurricane did, but why am I yelling at my friend? I lowered my head in shame. I was about to repay her kindness with hate she hadn’t earned....

“I’m sorry,” I said with a shaking voice. “I don’t have his full punishment thought out yet, but I can assure you. He’ll suffer so much that adding anything would be a mercy.”

"That I can object to - be quick, or you are just stooping to his level, claiming to have the higher ground." Typhon interjected. "Avenge, not torture. This isn't one of those times where two wrongs do make a right."

“I don’t assume I have the moral high-ground. And I never said anything about torturing him myself.” I sighed and looked to Typhon. “I don’t intend for him to come to any physical or mental harm, other than what he inflicts himself.”

"You are now leader of Equestria; having the moral high-ground comes with the territory, and you have to keep it." Typhon then made a few motions with his hands. "You can bend it, sure, or defend it with shadowy tactics, but you're supposed to be - or become - better. If anything... if anything, at least leave the decision up to Holo, since those of the Harvest dealt with him the first time; it'll be still in the grey, but not... you know, outright malevolent."

“Both of the princesses chose her, if I cannot trust Max herself, I trust my friends and their decision,” Holo said. “Make no mistake, I shall judge whether or not his punishment is too severe before it is administered.”

"I was talking about leaving that to you, but that works, too."

“If she can think of something that will stick, aside from turning him to stone again, I am sure the others of The Harvest will agree to it.”

“You just don’t want to do it yourself, you lazy wolf,” A voice called from one of the windows. Sitting on the windowsill was a monkey wearing a brown business suit without any pants.

“I wondered where you had run off to, Lawrence,” Holo said indifferently, though I could see a playful glint in her eyes.

"So... royal catacombs?" Typhon reminded them.

“Right,” I skimmed over what I had just read again. “Looks like these are all we’ll need to open the Gate to the right... somewhen? It’s not too clear on those details.”

“That’s because it’s in its own dimension,” Lawrence said. “It’s still in this universe, just in a place where no one can see it normally.”

“So, it’s a pocket dimension?”

“To put it mildly. It’s actually in the manifestation of the world’s magic.”

Kat sighed. “That’s the answer to everything on these worlds, magick… lucky salauds.”

“It’s basically a mirror dimension, but instead of showing the world as it is, it shows the world as it was before anything became sentient,” Holo explained. “It usually takes immense power to send a full-grown pony there, but the others of The Harvest opened the way and sealed it so that it could be opened at will if you had the right items.”

I noticed Kat had taken out a notepad and was actually writing everything down. “Another thing to look into for my thesis,” she muttered.

"I am very 'light', if that helps." Typhon pipped in. "Breath - Air, and all that... and exotic spaces was - or is, my Clover's forte. Took to Seiryu's room magic even better than a fish to water."

A long, drawn out gasp made everyone look to the door. I couldn’t see anything, though since two bright blue -- and huge -- eyes were looking into mine.

“Ugh... even just thinking of her makes her appear,” Holo groaned.

“Oh. My. Gosh! I finally get to throw you a party, not to mention everypony else that’s here, too!” The unmistakeable voice of pinkie gushed.

"Hands - and hooves and paws - up everyone who saw that coming." Typhon said, raising his hand. "Just mind the sugar and the grasses, Pinkie."

“Pinkie! That is no way to treat royalty,” Two guesses as to who that was -- and the first two don’t count.

Rarity’s magic enveloped the pink mare and set her down a few feet away from me before Rarity said, “Please forgive my friend, she can be a bit overenthusiastic.”

"If you can't be friendly towards royalty, then what use is royalty?" Typhon asked as he shrugged.

With my vision unobscured I could see that Twilight, Applejack, Spike, and a yellow Thestral mare that had to be Fluttershy -- that was partially hidden behind the others -- were standing at what they thought was a respectful distance with Pinkie and Rarity next to them.

“You don’t have to act like nobles with me, no one does,” I said with a gesture at some empty chairs. “If anything I’d prefer to be treated as an elder family member.”

"Again, I prefer normal personalities, semi-formal at the most." Typhon commented. "I'm fairly easy-going, and it's not like anypony who takes offense about me treating everyone equally can do much about it."

“Heh, I’d like to see the look on Silver Plate’s face when he hears that,” I said. “He’s insisting that everyone follows etiquette all the time while they’re in the castle.”

Kat smirked. “Ooh, I’d like to see him try to tell me what to do. I’ve always enjoyed putting stuck-up snoots in their place.”

"Kat, he's the butler, it's in his job description." Typhon chuckled. "Manners, I can do, but a lot of etiquette isn't really necessary when all I want to do is catch up with ponies."

“I know, right? It’s the reason I haven’t bothered to go get more clothes yet.” I took a bite of my omelette the waiter set down.

“Same boat there, I just don’t care,” Kat said with a shrug. “The only nice clothes I have are for when I’m in pony form.”

“I’d be happy to design a wardrobe for you, your majesty,” Rarity said. “I haven’t tried making clothes for bipedal species yet, and I do believe it would be a challenge.”

“On one condition. You treat me like you would one of your friends,” I said, having just put another bite of omelette in my mouth. “And if you could, I need easy access to my breasts.”

“Oh my~,” Kat said before bursting into giggles. “S-sorry, couldn’t resist!”

I gave Kat a saucy look, “Would you like to help me test that when the clothes are finished?”

She blushed deeply, almost looking like a tomato. “That’s it,” she muttered, “No more going to worlds while in heat. This is just too much.”

“You sure?” I used my powers to blur over to her, my arm around her shoulder and a hand tilting her head up so she was looking directly into my eyes. “I could give you all the heat you could handle~....”

Kat gulped. “Hoo boy… it’s not as great on the other end of the sexy talk as I thought it would be.”

Typhon pursed his lips. Had the trio been ponies instead of humans, he'd surely be double-teaming Kat right now. Oh well, it wasn't meant to be that way.

“Um, Max, while I appreciate the interest, I’m kinda off season at the moment. Ya know, sober? ...this is just not helping trying to stay sober.”

I glanced over at the five mares and dragon that had entered the room a few minutes ago. Spike had a claw in his mouth trying to hold back his laughter, Applejack had lowered her hat over her face, Rarity and Fluttershy had fainted, their heads resting on the table, Twilight had a nosebleed, and Pinkie was oblivious.

“I guess you being ‘sober’ is better than when you aren’t,” I said, deciding that it would be better to not seduce someone in front of a whole group of people. I let go and walked back to my seat.

“Trust me, Max,” Kat said with a blush. “If I was still in heat… this table would not be very clean anymore right now.”

I clapped a hand to my mouth, trying my best not to say that one word. When I thought the danger had passed, I sat down and picked up my fork again. “Giggity,” I said with a mouthful of omelette. “Damn it!”

She must have still heard me because she choked a little while sipping her coffee, nearly doing a spit take. Kat looked between me and Typhon for a quick moment before landing on him. “Okay, see this is stuff you should be doing. Little more romance from time to time would be a welcome pace from you working in your lab all day.”

"I can't help it! I romance better as a pony." Typhon hung his head. "I just can't seem to do too much of that on two legs..."

Kat sighed, kissing his cheek. “We’ll get you there someday. But, if you want, we could just become ponies for the funeral…. I’ve actually gotten used to being partially equine now.”

"That... that's a fine idea, actually." Typhon scratched his head. "It even feels a little more... meaningful."

“You know, I wasn’t being romantic,” I said. “I’m just a bit... wound up.”

"It's more than I usually get," Kat muttered quietly under her breath.

I couldn’t resist the urge this time. I gasped, “You mean he doesn’t give you any?” I looked at Typhon and shook my fork at him. “For shame! Not taking care of your woman properly.”

"Max!" She nearly screamed at me, blushing hard. "That is not what I meant and you know it!"

Looking over, I saw that Rarity had just come around and then fainted again. Twilight’s nosebleed had gotten worse as well and Spike was rolling on the floor out of sight, trying vainly to hold back his laughter still.

“Okay, okay. I’ll stop teasing you both,” I said, focusing back on Typhon and Kat. I then thought, For now. “Anyways, we should probably get ready for the funeral. It’s going to begin at midnight. The reception is when we’ll make the statues and place them in the antechamber before the throne room.”

I was fidgeting with my dress, trying to calm down my nerves with a piece of cake. Yes it was only a piece! I left... some... on the table. “I-I’ve never done something like this. I haven’t even given a public speech or-or gone up on a stage since I was in Fourth grade!” I took another bite, noticing that it was ten minutes before midnight. “A-and now I have to address an entire city! I haven’t memorized or even written a speech yet, I’m sweating like a robber caught red-hoofed by an entire battalion of guards, and I-I-....”

“Please your majesty, you are overreacting to your stage fright,” a servant said placatingly.

“That’s another thing! I don’t want to be called that. I’d rather you respect me like you would your own grandmother instead.”

“Yes, y- Grandmother.”

I smiled triumphantly, preparing to take another bite of my cake. As the servant disappeared around a corner I realized what he said. He-.... That might work. Setting down my plate I walked to the mirror. I spent the next eight or so minutes trying to convince myself that I was Equestria’s grandma.... Fine, I extended it to a few hours from my perspective.

Walking out towards the altar, I saw that every chair was filled and more were standing along the walls and hovering above the crowd. I gave a very small “meep”, shaking my fears in their cage to silence them. I paused briefly, setting my hand on Celestia’s coffin, silently wishing that this was a horrible dream before walking between the closed coffins.

Even though the bodies were cleansed, they had decayed rapidly while the mortician and healer were preparing them. I had taken one look and decided not to subject everyone to that gruesome sight, ordering the coffins to be closed and sealed.

Reaching the altar, I took a second more to compose myself before I said in a low voice, “Time. We never know how much we have or how close ours is to being up. It’s one of the things that everything shares; a fundamental force of the universe. Celestia and Luna lived longer than any pony, griffon, minotaur, or even dragon will ever know and still their lives were cut short.”

I took a breath, trying to control my tears. “I knew them for less than a year, but I will never forget that time. I’ll always remember how they pulled the most outrageous pranks on each other. The way they both wanted to be less formal.... I’ll hold their memories with me no matter what.”

I paused to wipe away a tear slowly making it’s way down my cheek. “Even though their bodies will rest with their parents, their spirits will be with everyone. They’ll watch and help the farmers in their fields, the cooks in their kitchens.... T-the foals in their classrooms.

“They’ll make sure to help me guide Equestria, keep it full of friendship and happiness. These next few months will be dark but Equestria will pull through.” I looked over the crowd, trying to make eye contact with everyone. “I know we will.”

With that I let Cadence take over, the rest of the service passing in a blur until it was time to escort the princesses to their final resting place. An eternity later, the convoy slowed.

I looked up, barely noticing that I was on a large cussion in an equally large and luxurious carriage with Light Sweet, Golden Spark, and Rainbow Dash sitting next to me, to see Holo in her wolf form... ‘speaking’ to Cerberus. Behind the three headed dog was a pair of gates That wouldn’t look out of place in a medieval castle’s walls.

Once she was done talking to Cerberus, Holo attached the wing blades to the right head’s collar, the bell to the middle one’s, and set the scale in a slot on the third head’s collar. The change was immediate. The dreary, cloud-filled sky became clear, the barren landscape became a rolling field of grass, and the wooden gates became smooth, pearly-white stone that shone in the pale moonlight. Inlaid in the gates with black stone was a language that I couldn’t understand, yet understood the meaning of all the same. It read something like, “Here lie the rulers of Equestria, may their lineage continue to the End of Times.”

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Holo asked as she trotted over to were I was sitting on the carriage. “Cerberus will only allow those of Celestia and Luna’s family and friends inside.”

Nodding, I picked up Rainbow and signalled for Sol and Mun to carry my other two foals. Twilight fell into step behind the six of us and the carriages with the coffins rolled one at a time behind her.

Beyond the gates was a hallway that was lit every so often by softly glowing balls of light that drifted near the ceiling. I had no doubts that they were a defense mechanism as well as lighting. The hallway opened into a room with a vaulted ceiling that was empty save for a raised dais that had five places for coffins, three of which were filled already.

“The Tomb of the Royals....” Twilight whispered in awe. I groaned when I turned to find her with her face literally on the ground.

It took a little while but I managed to pry her face up long enough for her to lift Celestia and Luna’s coffins into the places that had been prepared for them, only for her to turn and bow to me as a sixth place appeared next to Celestia’s. I put a stop to that right then and there.

“Twilight, if you want to respect me, please stop bowing and just treat me like you would your own grandmother,” I said once my hand fell from my face.

“O-of course, your-.... Grandmother Max,” she said as she awkwardly stood back up.

I turned back to the hallway. “Maxine if you're going to use anything but my name alone. I would like nothing more than to throw out everything to do with etiquette and leave just respect in it’s place, but I know I won’t be able to.”

For the rest of the walk to the gate everyone was quiet. I admit I got lost in my thoughts enough that I didn’t notice the carriage had pulled up to the front of the castle until Sol nudged my leg. By that time I had decided; I wasn’t going to be Queen, or even a Princess. I was going to be Grandma and I wasn’t going to be run over ~~by reindeer~~ by my duties.

Author's Note

.... I REGRET NOTHING!