Dial 9-1-1

by RainbowBob

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Discord, Slice of Life, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character
Length: 2586

The Pony Police Department turns out to be the most useless organization in Ponyville. But at least they have shiny badges and get a discount on donuts. Everything works out in the end... most of the time... not really.

The mares and stallions of the Ponyville Police Department are sworn to protect and serve their fair community from any danger from outside and within. These dedicated officers are the only thing keeping order in the town, and thus are the first line of defense against any trouble or danger.

Well, usually. Most of the time. Actually, perhaps... maybe. Sometimes? On the off chance probably... not.

As it turns out from these recordings from the emergency dispatch center, the police really suck at their jobs. Who would have guessed?

Published 2015-03-16 23:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-07 03:33:27 UTC

Chapter 1: What A Nightmare

Chapter 1:

“Ponyville Police Department, what is your emergency?”

“The lights went out!”

“In your house?”

“Well, no, in the sky!”

“Ma’am, it’s nighttime.”

“I know that.”

“There’s still the moon out there that, like, I guess counts as a light, right? Plus the stars… and stuff.”

“But, like, the sun is supposed to be in the sky. There was a holiday for it and everything.”

“Ma’am, is it cloudy in your area?”

“And the princess was kidnapped! By some, uh, really weird looking purplish-blue pony. With a smoke mane. Which now that I think about it looked pretty cool.”

“So you’re reporting a kidnapping now?”

“Oh, right, uh… yeah, I guess so. Along with there being no sun.”

“Right, ma’am, looks like I already have a dispatcher on the scene.”

“Where?! I don’t see anypony here.”

“In the closet, slowly crying to himself in the fetal position. Or so he told me over the radio.”

“Wait, so that’s that guy? Huh.”

“He’s a rookie, ma’am, so please bear with us. From his reports—of which have been difficult to make sense of past the tears and snot—we’re being informed that the thousand years exiled Princess of Darkness, a Miss Nightmare Moon, has returned and has re-enacted her plans for a night that lasts forever over all of Equestria. Which would, I guess, explain the no sun part.”

“Yeah, sounds about right on this end.”

“Unfortunately, the police department is not equipped in the event of a royal coup and the resulting nighttime apocalypse brought with it.”

“But what about Princess Celestia being kidnapped?”

“We have our best ponies on the case.”

“Like the one weeping in the closet?”

“Yes.”

“Anypony else more competent and less weepy?”

“Unfortunately no. It is a holiday, after all.”

“The entire police force isn’t available when there’s a holiday?!”

“Nope, there’s still me and the rookie.”

“Who is currently crying for his mommy in the closet.”

“Yeah, that one.”

“Then what about you?”

“What? Oh no. No, no, no, no, no, noooooooooo. Not a chance. Who else will man the phones? My job is highly important to the orderly integrity of the town.”

“Even though you guys don’t do anything?”

“Technically I’m talking to you right now. And the rookie crying also counts as something. Something pathetic, but something nonetheless.”

“Do I really pay taxes for this type of service?”

“Ma’am, you have no choice but to pay taxes for this sort of service.”

“Uh…”

“Don’t worry, ma’am, I’ve been getting reports of a group of highly trained specialists on the case as we speak.”

“Really?”

“Indeed. One of them is an apple farmer. Another one is a dress-maker. Let’s see… a baker, then some pony on the weather team, an animal caretaker, aaaaaaaaand the town’s new librarian.”

“...How are you getting this report?”

“By some baby dragon found at the scene of the crime. He’s currently in the closet with the rookie, trying to comfort him with hot cocoa and freshly baked scones.”

“So I can expect to receive no help whatsoever from any law body to speak of?”

“The best we can do at the moment is emotional support.”

“From that guy crying in the closet?”

“Yes, but you could join him and thus have someone else to cry with.”

“For emotional support?”

“That is correct.”

“Just… just forget it.”

“From what I’m hearing those scones are reeeeeeeally good.”

“I said forget it!”

SLAM!

“Thank you for calling the Ponyville Police Department, where your hard-earned bits are definitely being put to good use.”

Chapter 3: A Little Buggy

“Ponyville Police Department, what is your emergency?”

“The bugs! Oh dear Celestia, the bugs! They’re attacking everything!”

“Sir, the exterminator’s phone number can probably be found in the yellow pages. Heck, I think I can find it for you somewhere in my office. Lemme see…”

“Not those kinds of bugs! I mean parasprites!”

“Para-whatnow?”

“The infestation that is currently eating away at most of the town! Didn’t you even notice it?”

“Uh… notice what again?”

“The parasprites.”

“Oh, riiiiiight. Huh. That would certainly explain all the noise. And the draft.”

“What?”

“Oh, wow, wouldja look at that. They have eaten most of the police station.”

“They’ve what?!”

“Looks like they’re gonna try and eat the rookie too, by the looks of it.”

“AHHHHHHHHHHH!”

“What was that?”

“Just the rookie, screaming over the demise of most of his mane. And tail. And coat. Damn, they’re shaving him to the skin at this rate.”

“Aren’t you going to do something to save him?”

“Duh, of course I am. I’m hiding under my desk.”

“How is that saving him?”

“Define ‘saving him?’”

“Helping him not get eaten.”

“I think I have a can of bug spray here somewhere.”

“Are you really just this incompetent?”

“I’dunno, sir, it is a Monday after all.”

“If you can’t ever save your fellow officer, how can I expect you to save the rest of the town?”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, who mentioned anything about saving something at this very moment that wasn’t me just now?”

“Uh… me.”

“Pfft, that’s stupid.”

“But you’re a police officer!”

“Who was never trained on how to deal with an apocalyptic bug invasion spelling doom for the entire world with a capital D.”

“When who can I expect to save Ponyville?”

“Duh. Who you gonna call?”

“Not the police, as I’m now learning.”

“That, but also the exterminator. Much better equipped, plus better paid from what I’m hearing.”

“Ugh, just great.”

“Better dental too. Can you believe that? Why, if I wasn’t about to be consumed by some freakishly cute insect abominations right now, I have half a mind to--”

“Look, while I’d love to continue this conversation, a pack of paraspites is about to eat the phone booth, along with me in it.”

“In case you haven’t been eaten alive yet, I’d just like to say and am obligated to say no matter what, thank you for calling the Ponyville Police Department, where your hard-earned bits are definitely being put to good use. Also, it appears I’ve just talked to no one, seeing how the parasprites had just eaten most of the phone and I’m not talking into a receiver for no apparent reason other than to stall time beca--OH SWEET FOAL CELESTIA NOT THE FACE!”

Chapter 4: A Little Druggy

“Ponyville Police Department, what is your--”

“WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY!”

“Rookie?”

“OH DEAR CELESTIA, I DID IT NOW!”

“Whoa, whoa, chillax. What happened?”

“You, uh, remember the… the parasprite incident.”

“You mean that one that resulted in me going bald just a day ago and destroyed most of the HQ along with the town?”

“Yeah, that one.”

“Nope, doesn’t ring a bell.”

“Damn, Gumdrops, you should really go to a specialist if you don’t remember all of that. Like, I remember you crying and weeping and attempting to use me as a pony-shield against the parasprites while shouting ‘Take him, take him, I’m too young to die!’ And then we both started crying while the paraspri--”

“Yes, rookie, I remember. What did you do?”

“Oh, right. Well, like, I figured out who was behind the parasprite infestation.”

“Twilight Sparkle?”

“Whoa, Gumdrops, how’d you know?”

“I’m psychic.”

“Oh yeah? Well, did you know she used a spell--”

“That caused all the parasprites to gain the ability to eat just about anything? Yeah, I do.”

“Gumdrops, you’re totally blowing my mind right now!”

“...You never read case files, do you?”

“What’s a case file? Also, what’s reading?”

“Just… forget it. What did you do?”

“I arrested Twilight Sparkle.”

“Pardon me, I do believe something incredibly stupid flew into my ear and has clogged my hearing. I’m switching you to my other ear. Repeat that.”

“I arrested Twilight Sparkle.”

“Yep, happened again. Now I am deaf. Deaf due to idiocy.”

“SHOULD I CALL AT ANOTHER TIME THEN?!”

“Oh Celestia, I think one of my eardrums popped.”

“DO I NEED TO REPEAT THE QUESTION?!”

“No, rookie, just shut up. Please. Now, how’d you even arrest her?”

“I told her she was under arrest ‘cause of the entire, y’know, parasprite thingy. She didn’t oblige. I accidentally whacked her. With my nightstick. Repeatedly. For resisting arrest. Repeatedly. Now she’s unconscious.”

“How did you accidentally whack her repeatedly?”

“Well, first I lifted up my nightstick, then I went all ‘Wham!’ along with a little ‘Pow!’ and finished it off with a good ol’ fashioned ‘Resisting arrest! Backup, backup! You have the right to remain silent, creep!’ and that’s when things got messy.”

“Is she… still unconscious?”

“She’s not responding to prods from my nightstick to her eye, so I do believe so.”

“Okay. You remember the ‘illegal medical goods’ housed in the evidence locker at HQ?”

“You mean the stuff that’s not actually used for medical purposes?”

“Yeah, that. Get some, sprinkle it on her while she’s out of her, book her in for a misdemeanor, slam the book in her face with the threat of a felony, then throw her out when she complies to not press charges over what you did previously.”

“Wow, Gumdrops, it sounds like you’ve done this a lot of times before.”

“...Suuuuure, let’s go with that.”

“Imma do that right now.”

“Also, rookie.”

“Yeeeeeeeeeees?”

“Don’t use any of the illegal medical goods yourself.”

“Gosh, Gumdrops, I’d never… I’m actually hurt you think i’d do something like that. Hurt and shocked. Mostly shocked. And a little bit of hurt. Oh, also, some shame thrown in there as well. Not on me, but on you, mostly for thinking I’d ever possibly use that stuff to my own devices on my couch while watching tv and eating a sandwich.”

“Just get a move on.”

“You gots it, Dropsy.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Awww.”

Chapter 5: Damn Ziggers

“Ponyville Police Department, what is your emergency?”

“Heeeeeeeeeeeeelp!”

“Okay!”

“Oh dear Celestia, it’s awful!”

“Mmmhmm.”

“No hope… no hope left in this bleak, dark world without mercy. Everything is just sinking, sinking, sinking into misery.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Why did this have to happen? Why, Celestia, whyyyyy?! I didn’t do anything wrong! I don’t deserve this! My sister does, though, the bitch. She’s the bad one, not me, never me—”

“Uh, ma’am, I can’t really help you unless you tell me what’s actually going on.”

“There’s some type of… creature stalking the town! It’s striped! It’s black and white. It’s… it’s… it’s…”

“A mime?”

“No, even worse!”

“Wow, I never thought I’d hear about something worse than a mime.”

“Oh, it is! It’s a zebra!”

“Dear Celestia… it’s worse than I could have ever imagined!”

“I know, right?!”

“Don’t worry, ma’am, I have an officer on the case right as we speak!”

“Huh.”

“Rookie! Wait, I was just about to call you… Waaaaaait, what happened to the lady at the other end of the line?”

“Oh, she ran away screaming for some odd reason. I was just gonna put the phone back up ‘cause—”

“Listen, Rookie, I reeeeeally don’t care. We have an emergency on our hooves!”

“Awww man, really? My hair still hasn’t grown back all the way since the last emergency.”

“Stop whining and listen up! In the area there’s supposedly a zebra menace—”

“Oh damn! Ziggers in Ponyville? I never thought I’d see the day…”

“Yes, just shut up already! It’s scaring away the townponies, so I want you to investigate and sniff them out.”

“With my nose?”

“No, it’s a metaphor. Like how you’re dense as a rock.”

“But I’m not a mineral.”

“No, of course not, because a mineral would at least be more intelligent. What I want you to do is find that zebra. Leave no stone unturned, no dumpster undived, no pony unfrisked until you’ve found them!”

“Pshaw, c’mon, Gumdrops, I’m a pro at this. I’m sure I can find any zigger in no time—OH DEAR CELESTIA THERE SHE IS!”

“Why hello there, friend. Could you be so kind as to—”

WHACK!

“...Rookie, what’dja do?”

“I… hit her on the head.”

“My oh my, I cannot lie, my head feels—”

WHAM!

“ROOKIE!”

“What?! She’s out cold now!”

“You just can’t hit random zebras on the head!”

“Ah, c’mon, ponies used to do it all the time! What type of country do we live in when you can’t even whack a zigger against the head?”

“A lame-o country, that’s what, but that doesn’t matter now! We have to solve this mess.”

“Should I… dump the body somewhere?”

“Nah, just sprinkle some crack on her and bail.”

“Ah, the good ol’ ‘crack and run’ maneuver. Excellent plan, Gumdrops.”

“It’s what I do. Also, when you come by the station, your nightstick is getting reprimanded.”

“Awwww man. Can I at least keep the taser?”

“You remember the last time I let you keep the taser?”

“I TOLD YOU IT WAS JUST AN EXPERIMENT AND NOTHING PERVY, GARSH!”

“Mmmmhmmm.”

Chapter 2: Simply Unbearable

Chapter 2:

“Ponyville Police Department, what is your emergency?”

“There’s a huuuuuuuuuuuge bear-star-monster thingy attacking the town!”

“Sir, you’re going to have to be more specific about how huge and where this bear-star-monster is attacking the town at.”

“It’s, uh, about a house-high? Maybe two. And it’s, um, right around… uh… the center of town? Near some water tower I think. You can’t miss it, ‘cause it’s huge, giant star-bear-monster.””

“Sir, I believe the scientifically correct term is Ursa Major.”

“What?”

“Actually, by the look of it, I’d say it’s a Minor.”

“You can see it?”

“Yes.”

“Where exactly are you?”

“In my office, cowering behind my desk as I look fearfully out the window.”

“And you’re not even doing anything?”

“I’m currently talking to you, aren’t I?”

“I mean about the giant monster!”

“Ursa Minor.”

“I mean the Ursa Mi—whatever!”

“Sir, have you seen the size of that thing? Neither me nor the rest of the force are paid enough to take that monstrosity on. Plus, terrible healthcare and dental. If I get my bones broken or my teeth knocked in, there isn’t anything the insurance will do to fix it. And if I die, I can expect the cheapest funeral that isn’t just dumping my body in a six-foot hole. It’d probably be five-foot, or worse, four!”

“Then how do you guys even do your jobs?”

“Usually by using superior numbers and kicking the opposition repeatably. Plus, the worse we deal with are usually hobos, hippies, or hobo hippies. They practically kick themselves.”

“Can’t you use any weapons against it?”

“Oh, suuuuuuuure, like some stick and a few gallons of pepper spray can handle that thing. Does it look like I want to die in the next five minutes?”

“I can’t even see you right now.”

“Then I know my hiding place to cower behind is effective.”

“So you can’t do anything?”

“I’m currently talking—”

“Other than that.”

“I’m cowering—”

“Other than that!”

“Uh… how would a gift card sound?”

“...What?”

“I mean, it’s probably expired and stuff since I haven’t used it in a long while, but as long as it calms you down a bit… Sir… Sir?”

“...”

“Hellooooooo?”

“...”

“Did… did the Ursa Minor eat you? Don’t say anything if it did.”

“...”

“Oh sweet Celestia, we were too late! Again! I’m really surprised we haven’t been sued yet… Actually, the being too late part is probably why.”

“...”

“In any event, of the highly unlikely case you’re still alive, thank you for calling the Ponyville Police Department, where your hard-earned bits are definitely being put to good use. Usually.”