Large... Sausage

by Midnight Ice Cream

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Sex, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 1106

Porno Pizza Pony has the best job in the world. Every day a new client, and a new "sausage" to deliver. But what happens when there is a mix up, and the mare he's serving ordered Pizza instead?

Disclaimer: This is not clop. It is only tagged mature because of very strong sexual themes and innuendo. I do not wish to needlessly kill your boner. This is just a silly one shot slice of life, comedy story about Porno Pizza Pony, and Chinese Food Mare. Yes those are their names.

Porno Pizza Pony has always enjoyed his job. Every day he's greeted by beautiful mares ordering in some "sausage" from his famous Pizza delivery service. So naturally he is very excited as he heads towards what seems to be a regular job.

But what happens when, through some twist of fate, his client for today, ordered pizza instead? The answer is something neither pony could have ever imagined.

This story is inspired by the wonderful age old story of a pornographic pizza delivery boy, as shown in great epics by such stars of the stage as Ron Jeremy among others.

I'd really like to thank my good friend Cross Stitch for helping me come up with the idea, through one of the funniest skype conversations I've ever had.

Published 2015-03-16 23:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-16 23:40:02 UTC

Who ordered the large... sausage?

Porno Pizza Pony didn’t walk like other ponies while he was at work. He had a funny habit of walking on his hind legs, while holding a pizza box in between them. Today was no different. His job, as always, was to deliver his speciality. Porno Pizza Pony swaggered over to the door of his latest customer sporting a suggestive smile. He rang the doorbell with his magic, and waited a few moments for a response. He didn’t have to wait long before he was greeted by a beautiful brown earth pony mare with a short well kept red mane. Porno Pizza Pony smiled, it was the same formula every time, and he loved it. “Did somepony order.” His eyebrows moved up and down suggestively. “The large… Sausage?”

Chinese Food Mare actually hadn’t ordered sausage. In fact she had ordered a plain pizza, or so she thought. But somewhere along the chain of command the order had been mixed up, and right now a poor little colt by the name of Rodrick was delivering a small plain pizza to the wildest bachelorette party in Equestria.

Chinese Food Mare looked perplexed and chuckled. “I’m sorry, this is quite the misunderstanding, I actually ordered a plain pizza.”

“Oh… Yea…” The feeling of awkwardness was alien to Porno Pizza Pony. He was always incredibly confident in himself, but now he was lost for words. After a few very long moments of silence he said “Sorry about the mix up. I mean this is kinda awkward.” There was another long pause, in which he placed his hoof behind his head, and stroked his mullet. “Do you mind if I use your bathroom? I’d rather remove this box in private.” Porno Pizza Pony secretly damned himself for that one. Out of all the lines he could use to get out of this situation, that was probably the worst.”

“Um yea. Down the hall to the right.” Chinese Food Mare was so confused by this whole situation, that telling him to leave now hadn’t even crossed her mind. “Need anything else? I mean I feel kinda bad about this whole situation…”

Porno Pizza Pony seemed equally taken aback by the response as Chinese Food Mare did by the question. He stood there awkwardly assessing the situation in his mind, before he answered. “Um… Nothing really… Just if you don’t mind I might be five minutes? I kinda counted on you ordering sausage so…”

Never in a million years would Chinese Food Mare have predicted this situation, or Porno Pizza Pony for that matter. So taken aback was she by the whole situation that she simply offered. “I’ll uh… just order some Chinese food then… Want anything?”

Of all the surprising turns of events, this was probably the most surprising. Perhaps through the strangeness of the situation, a genuine hunger, or plain confusion Porno Pizza Pony accepted. “Thank you very much… I think I’ll have what you’re having.” Chinese Food Mare listed what she’d be having, and was greeted with positive responses from Porno Pizza Pony, who seemed to be a little preoccupied. “Alright then. If you don’t mind… I’ve got rather a pressing problem.” Porno Pizza Pony moved his eyebrows again. “At hoof.”

Chinese Food Mare groaned in annoyance. “Okay then, have fun with that… I’d offer a magazine, but I don’t think I have any that would interest you.”

“Sorry about the puns by the way.” Said Porno Pizza Pony. “It’s just sort of something I have to do. I don’t know why, but I am Porno Pizza Pony after all. So what do you expect?”

The awkwardness seemed to be breaking, as Chinese Food Mare cracked a chuckle. “Okay then. Although it seems as if I need to find a new pizza pony. I have some friends that I’m sure would love to meet you though. They live about two blocks away.”

“But what about the Chinese food? You’re not going to eat it ou-” Porno Pizza Pony stopped the innuendo almost as it was flying from his mouth. “all on your own are you?”

“Oh no no. You’re still more than welcome to stay for the chinese food, but I’m going to give them your number for the future.” Said Chinese Food Mare. For some reason, she wasn’t sure why, but she was sure there were worse ways to spend an evening than this. She was actually beginning to find the pizza delivery pony quite adorable, in his own silly way. She continued “Also, you might wanna get going. If I order now it’ll be about fifteen minutes.”

“Why thank you very much. I’ll be sure to give your friends some…” Porno Pizza Pony turned on his pun eyes yet again. “first class service.”

“That wasn’t even a pun!”
Porno Pizza Pony simply smiled. “Now if you excuse me. I’ll join you in about five minutes.”

The dinner date between Porno Pizza Pony and Chinese Food mare, was a remarkable success. The two chattered away for hours after that, and in a strange turn of events Porno Pizza Pony returned home, for the first time ever without having delivered his extra large… sausage. Yet that night, he felt more fulfilled than ever.

Porno Pizza Pony continued to run his Porno Pizza company for many years after that. But he would always return to the mare, who had turned down his sausage for Chinese Food. With time their friendship blossomed, as the two would eat Chinese Food nearly every week. One punless evening they even had normal sex, that in no way resembled a pneumatic drill. Five years later they were married. Porno Pizza Pony still has problems in handling his pun addiction, but through the love and care of Chinese Food Mare, they tackle the problem together. The fact that Porno Pizza Pony still works in the ...sausage industry hasn’t harmed their relationship at all. Right now Chinese Food mare is pregnant with their first child, and the couple couldn’t be happier as they head towards the future… Their future.

Author's Note

Well that happened. I really hope you all enjoy reading this one. I hope the editing is alright, this one was only done by me.

Anyway people of the internet. I have a challenge for you. I'd love to hear from you what happened to little Rodrick the other Pizza delivery pony. I'd love to hear what you have to come up with.

This story has been one of the most enjoyable ones I've ever written. I really hope you enjoy it as much as I did writing.

Midnight.