A Simple Suggestion

by Thak

Rating: mature
Tags: Dark
Length: 2953

Several years after Unification, a fledgling kingdom is struggling with new rulers, an impending war with the Griffons, and figuring out where everypony fits in. When things start going back to the way they were, one Unicorn speaks up.

Swift Spark is your average Unicorn. He believes whole-heartedly in the Unification, and what it means to the future of Equestria.

Lately, though, he's noticed things have started down a dangerous path. A path similar to what it was like pre-Unification.

With the help of the newly ascended Princesses, he has come before the Legislature in an attempt to correct a systemic abuse he and those like him have witnessed; the mistreatment of Earth ponies.

A parody of "A Modest Proposal" by Jonathan Swift. Not to be taken seriously.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-17 01:15:57 UTC

Chapter 1

"To the honored members of the newly formed Equestrian government, as well as special guests and dignitaries from ancient and respectable families, I thank you for the opportunity to speak at such an esteemed gathering of noble individuals. I am especially grateful to our new Princesses, who, by their grace and generosity, have allowed such a humble servant of ponykind the chance to address such influential ponies as Prime Minister Argot, former advisor to our beloved King and one of the main architects of the Unification Treaty, as well as Warrant-Officer Whirlpool, whose foresight and extensive knowledge of weather manipulation practices has allowed our burgeoning society an opportunity to flourish. I humbly thank you for this great opportunity.

I look around these hallowed chambers, and I am encouraged by what I see: Unicorns and Pegasi working together to oversee the administration of a diverse coalition of pony tribes, who scarcely ten years ago were under threat of annihilation by the Windigoes. But thanks to the coming together of the pony tribes by the inspired thinking of Clover the Clever, as well as Private Pansy, the Windigoes were soundly defeated and driven back to their homelands.

I come before you today to warn of a new problem that we face as a unified nation; rather, it is an old problem that is once again surfacing under the strain of a large increase in pony population. I bring this problem before the Parliament not as a way to place blame, but as a way to provide a solution to an alarming trend.

I am, of course, talking about the problem of Earth ponies.

Before my esteemed hosts drive me out of the chambers, I wish to clarify my position. It is not the Earth ponies themselves that are an issue; I am grateful to know quite a few of my flightless and hornless brethren, and I count my life richer for the experience.

However, we cannot deny that there is a growing epidemic. With the ever-strengthening stability our Unification has provided, several Earth pony tribes have continued on with a practice that is no longer necessary. Many families continue on with the notion that in order for the propagation of the species to continue, scores of offspring must be produced in order to ensure the survival of at least one member of the family. Without wings to fly above any danger or magic to defend themselves from threat, we can hardly blame the Earth ponies for attempting to survive as best they can, solely by adopting a “strength in numbers” approach.

This is a sound strategy that has served them well for countless centuries before Unification and has enabled the Earth-pony tribe to survive in great numbers, even surpassing Unicorns for population.

This ever expanding growth will have a profound effect on the quality of life for the rest of ponykind. Farms can only yield so many crops. As our population booms and our food supply remains the same, or even if there is a slight growth, the Parliamentary Office of Labor and Statistics predicts that without some interfering measures, such as expansion into frontier lands, our food supply will run out in approximately one hundred years.

Prior to the Treaty we all faced a similar crisis. Starving, hungry foals cried in the streets, while brave Unicorns and Pegasi did all they could to encourage the Earth ponies to grow more food. Our aching, rumbling bellies did little to lift our spirits in the time of the Great Depression, and it is a harrowing experience I would not like to repeat. Watching my sister slowly shrivel away to near-nothingness has left me with a strong desire to never watch another pony go hungry.

To combat this problem, several learned individuals from these hallowed halls have assured me that a solution is possible, but there are things I must be aware of.

Firstly, it has been suggested that Earth ponies could grow more food.  The Earth pony farmers, despite being solely bred for this task, have constantly protested the opposite. They claim that current limitations on land usage, such as our dedicating one section of land to the Princess Platinum Memorial Park, a compromise our leaders graciously consented to in exchange for assurances that these farmers would inspire us with the bounty of their industry, as well as the hours in the day and the limit of ponies willing to perform the ungracious task of digging in the soil have limited their output.

Our administrative professionals have assured several members of this chamber that despite the protests of these farmers, the farms do have the ability to produce more food. The administrators have assured us the lack of maximum production has little to do with limitations, and all to do with the Earth pony’s views on labor; they refuse to make fillies and colts work on these farms, even though experts agree by doubling the workforce we can get as much as a twenty percent increase in production.

Instead, they send their young off to schools, wasting an expensive education on individuals whose sole purpose is to provide food for pony kind. It is estimated that each student costs taxpayers an average of 1,153 bits per year, with schooling lasting on average ten years. This amounts to an average expenditure of 11,153 bits per student, an expense not paid for by the families of these students, but by the population as a whole, some of whom have no offspring to speak of, or chose not to reproduce in an attempt to spare their child from the inevitable destruction this selfish act causes. Instead, these numerous children, who have thus far been solely a burden on society, should be made to work in the fields and farms, when their more able-bodied relatives are too tired to work.

The Earth-pony tribe has adopted an attitude of working solely when there is daylight. As such, as much as half the year is wasted on trivial things like bathing and raising of children instead of providing food for the rest of pony society to benefit from. This attitude is selfish, and must be stopped. Several experts have agreed that Earth ponies must be willing to work both night and day to provide food for the masses, as is their sole purpose in life. Princess Luna has graciously agreed to brighten the moon, so there will be plenty of illumination for the Earth ponies to till and plow the fields to produce more crops. Although science has attempted to prove that plants grow better in the daylight, they have assured us that it is possible for crops to grow in only moonlight; indeed, there are already some species of fauna that exclusively grow in places where the sun does not shine at all, and these plants provide as much nutrition as those grown during the day. With time, our scientists can even alter the taste to make them more palatable so as to encourage nighttime growth.

Now, this brings me to my third point, an issue I may say is of a sensitive nature.  I have done some research into the matter, and with the help of several individuals present I believe I can sufficiently address this issue in a manner that is both informative as well as adhering to the utmost professionalism I, as a Unicorn, can muster.

It comes to all ponies, be they large or small, old or young, lame or healthy, that Death will inevitably take that final toll from all of us. It is the behaviors of the living in regards to the honored Dead that I wish to address.

The information I have gathered has proven insightful in how other pony tribes treat the dead.  The Pegasi, in their proud and noble way, have a time-honored tradition of setting alight their deceased on a traditional funeral pyre. The deceased’s remains float into the sky in the form of ashes. It is believed these ashes help strengthen new clouds, allowing them to transfer more water down to the fields were the Earth ponies labor.

I once again thank Warrant-Officer Whirlpool for allowing me to share this amazing and beneficial ritual with my Unicorn brethren. It gives me great honor to know that the valiant Pegasi trust the Unicorns, the only other tribe leading our society, with such private information. We are eternally grateful for your trust and understanding.

The Unicorns, in their infinite wisdom, allow their remains to be given back to the aether that gave them life; the very magic that they employed in their lifetime absorbs their essence that it may bring magic to other Unicorns to protect other members of the pony tribes. The exact process is kept only to a few magi, and it is by their grace that I am able to share this much. I only wish I could explain to our noble Pegasi comrades how exactly this is done, so that they know we honor our dead as much as they do theirs.

The Earth ponies do not have any such customs. They bury their dead in the ground with marked graves. This presents a whole host of problems.

First, land must be set aside for these graves. Each acre of land set aside for the burial of deceased ponies is an acre that could be used to produce more crops. For example, it is estimated that one acre of land could produce 32,000 pounds of celery, 32,000 pounds of food from just one acre that would otherwise go to waste.

The Earth ponies do not plant anything edible on this land. It is set aside solely for the disposal of the dead. Several plants have proven that they grow and even thrive off of the soil from the decomposing bodies. Daisies, for example, are seen constantly on grave sites. It is believed that the dead provide nutrients back in the soil, and daisies seem to prove this. Yet they do not harvest these daisies for consumption; instead they are exterminated so as not to corrupt the graves of the deceased.

Again, I apologize for bringing up such a disturbing practice to such esteemed leaders, but these facts must be known if we are to confront and solve the growing issues before us.

For it is a solution I seek, rather than the sole blame of our future problems on one particular tribe. While at first my idea might seem a little drastic, I have no doubt that you will come to see the benefits of my proposal.

This solution addresses many of the concerns I have mentioned, as well as some that, for the sake of brevity, I have left out. While no solution is perfect, I believe the one I put forth today, along with Starswirl’s brilliant suggestion of education for the ignorant about how their practices hurt other pony tribes, will solve all these problems in one fell swoop.

For you see, education would be the most preferred method of behavior correction; it provides no immediate harmful effects, and has a tendency to be adopted rather quickly once it has been shown to be effective.

However, long term education takes time, and time is something we may very well be running out of.

To combat the time required for the preferred method to be implemented, I propose a two-part solution that should alleviate all concerns.

Firstly, I propose that the Earthpony family adopt measures like the more sane ponies of the Unicorn and Pegasi tribe and limit child rearing to two, one to replace each of the parents. This will, of course, not be required of Unicorns and Pegasi, as most already follow this practice, and any extra offspring can be offset because of their future contributions to society, be it in math, art, science, or through their extensive prowess in military tactics, like our esteemed Pegasi brethren.

This will also have the benefit of reducing the number of mouths to feed in the general population as a whole. By limiting themselves to two children, as society has deemed that to be a reasonable amount, Earth ponies can help provide more food to the rest of pony kind, who labors intensively to ensure their survival.

It will take some time to adopt, and as a sole solution fails on two points. Specifically, it does nothing to address the already enormous amount of foals these families have produced; if we were to implement this policy today, the already overly-large families would continue to grow even larger.  Second, we would still have to provide food for these foals until such time as we can limit their numbers. Again, this takes time we do not have.

Therefore, it behooves us to implement another portion of my plan simultaneously. Being that fillies and colts do not produce anything in society, and actually represent a drain on our resources, the question becomes how do we allow them to contribute to our glorious civilization when they refuse to work?

The answer is simple, my friends, and comes in two parts. First and foremost, each foal outside of the two granted by law to regain some order in our population must be seized by the government to be used however we see fit to provide benefits to society. I recommend we take half of the seized foals and immediately sell them to the Griffons so as to avoid any armed conflict, and indeed possibly help pay for any assistance we may require from them in regards to defending against an outside force.

That is not to say our Pegasi brethren are incapable; I have no doubt our swift friends could easily defeat any and all threats our new Equestria might face easily. But with all military conflicts, it is inevitable that there will be losses. I say let those losses be suffered by the barbaric Griffons, instead of the mighty Pegasi.

It is commonly known that Griffons, having very little higher mental function, are meat eaters and cannot provide food for their own. They must hunt and scavenge other lands like vultures to sate their hunger and bloodlust. Border towns have come under attack in recent weeks, and while our military leaders ponder how best to squash these pests, it has been witnessed that these monsters feast on pony flesh. Specifically, they seem to prefer the taste of Earth pony to Pegasi and Unicorn. Whether this is due to the Earth pony’s natural predilection to become prey or whether their significant size leaves them as choice delicacies is unknown.

If we give half of the Earth pony foals that are seized, and a large group of ponies to raise them in Griffon lands, we can assure them a steady supply of the diet they seem to crave. This would secure us as a benevolent entity in their eyes, and we would have a mindless coven of barbarians with which to do our bidding.

The second half of my proposal utilizes the “natural magic” the Earth ponies claim they possess. While it is true that some Earth ponies have been seen seemingly encouraging plants to grow in inhospitable regions, there has not been any direct evidence to support this.

We do know, however, from their own practices that their bodies do provide nutrients to the soil. Therefore, we can surmise that, if their claim of “inherent magic” is true, a body buried in the field alive would increase the yield of crops exponentially. I therefore move we take the remaining seized foals, aside from the ones given to appease the Griffons, and bury them in fields before crops are sown. They should be buried with their head above ground so that their magic, so called, can be put to use until only their body remains to provide nutrients to the soil.

You will agree that this provides the optimum solution. We eliminate the Griffon threat without any military conflict. Instead, they would be beholden to us for providing them food, ensuring their loyalty and increasing our supply of military troops, all without having to use up the Royal Coffers or any other of our own resources. We also provide a nutrient-rich “boost” to our crops, increasing the yield and ensuring a steady food for supply for millennia. After all, we will also be reducing the drain on our resources currently. There is no possible downside to this solution.

I urge this chamber to adopt the proposal immediately. Should the Earth ponies get wind of this idea they would surely object to their children being taken away from them, even if it is for the greater good. Thankfully, though, I don’t believe that will be an issue.

This Congress has done a marvelous job in ensuring that no Earth ponies can be represented. The strict rules and procedures ensure that only those ponies with a long and storied history can represent pony kind. And the sheer genius of holding meetings in cities like Cloudsdale, where a large proportion of our parliamentary meetings take place, allows us to subjugate the troublesome Earth ponies to our rule. After all, Nature would have deemed them fit to participate in society if they had developed wings or a cloud walking spell. Since they have neither, they can easily be ignored.

As for me, this proposal will do no good. The Earth pony friends I have made lost most of their families in the attacks of the Griffon Empire. I am merely proposing this to ensure the survival of pony kind, in the spirit of Unification that was once the sole thought on everypony’s mind: that each individual, regardless of Tribe or color, deserved equal respect and rights under the law."