A Warm, Sunny Day in Ponyville
"It'll be perfect!" Discord giggled, regarding a visibly doubtful changeling. Having intercepted an incoming letter from Princess Twilight's Castle, he'd found himself an opening. He had passed the letter to its intended recipient and then began to plot.
"I don't know, D," mused Gang Doppler. "this doesn't sound all that safe and my gu-"
"For Celestia's sake, when has anyone gotten hurt during any of my shenanigans? It's almost a requirement that I don't do any permanent damage. I can't go all Joker on people, this is a kid's show after all."
Gang Doppler stared vacantly through Discord trying to piece those last words together. Giving up, he sighed. "Alright, D, my best guy is in position. It's the middle of the lunch rush and we'd better make that count." A burst of green flame flashed over him as he took his disguise.
Twilight Sparkle was faced with a worthy foe. The stacks of neat packages wrapped in plain brown paper stared her down the way they did every day. Few knew of her afternoon trips here, and she preferred it stay that way.
Twilght loved the Hay Burger. She'd been going since she moved. Applejack had told her about it in her first week in town. Tearing into the first sandwich, Twilight's gaze drifted toward the window, where spring's warm glow shone from all of Ponyville. Winter Wrap Up had gone smoothly this year. Rarity had been kind enough to add wing holes to Twilight's multicolored vest and she could offer some more hands on help for the weather team. The technicolor herd populating Ponyville was beaming in the newly mild weather. Everyone seemed to be in high spirits lately, and seeing the grass again was a welcome change for everyone.
The bell above the exit rang as a tiny figure burst through the door. That door wasn't getting in his way. He was too big for such obstacles. Immediately recognizing the colt, Twilight rose to greet him.
"Hi, Little Pip!" Twilight called, crossing the restaurant. "What brings you here?"
"'Ello there, Princess Twoiloit!" Pip squeaked. Twilight marvelled at how well his accent had suited his pirate costume last Nightmare Night. "I'm 'ere for the same reason you are! These are the best sandwiches in the whole world!" he declared.
Twilight smiled and squirmed a little. It was a bit unfair how cute Pip was. He just hit that cute button in a harmless way that you really just have to root for. Twilight replied, "They sure are! There's just one little problem!"
"Wot's that Princess?" eager for a chance to aid his friend and role model.
"I'm just so completely sick to death of your stupid fucking face."
And with that a magic glow surrounded Pip, squeezing him like a vice around the midsection. "Wha-" Pip started before he was slammed into the ceiling at highway speeds. Before the ejected blood from the first impact had hit the startled restaurant guests, Pip had already been slammed to the floor, and was on his way back up to the ceiling again. The room was frozen in shock, the restaurant had been packed with patrons, and the guesome scene painting the walls before them left them all agape. Twilight smacked the already very dead Pip from ceiling to floor like a sick, massive paddleball, steadily covering the room in its disinegrating self. Just seconds in, the near hum of constant impacts was accompanied by the sound of splintering wood. Pip hadn't weighed much, but the impacts had begun to add up, leaving a small crater in the ceiling and floor. Not ten seconds after the attack had started, nothing remained of Pip but the fresh coat of crimson the restaurant had donned. Moments passed like hours until somepony had the presence of mind to scream.
Discord strolled off toward Fluttershy's house with Twilight Sparkle. Bloody coat glistening in the spring sun, a green burst of flame flashed over the Princess, unmasking a changeling. Gang Doppler looked over at Discord. There was a spring in his step. Part one had gone pretty smoothly, depending on where you had been watching from.
"I really don't want to know why you had us do that. The money is always welcome, but that one was pretty fucked up, D. Where were you that whole time anyway? Don't tell me you didn't catch all that."
"I was one of the sandwiches! I've always been a bit of a gambler," Discord smirked. "But forget my costume, you two were brilliant! How did your guy swap himself out for that bloody thing? How did you make it go that fast? Was that a watermelon filled with paint?!"
"I can't just tell you how I do what I do!" Gang Doppler chastised. "You of all... things should get that. Besides, I told you, he was my best guy."
"Well, considering how good your Princess impression is I'm not that..." Discord trailed off as he noticed a slim mare's silhouette approaching town some distance away. "Let's wrap this up another time, buddy. I need to go watch part two."
Gang Doppler watched in queasy bemusement as Discord began tailing Twilight Sparkle from a distance. He hadn't left her a very welcoming town to come home to.
Twilight marveled in the newly pleasant weather. Fresh off the train from Canterlot, she reflected on the meeting Celestia had had her commute in for. Fund allocation was pivotal to a smoothly-running Equestria, and Celestia and Luna trusted her enough to let her be involved. Even better, Twilight had gotten to do the math! She smiled again, remembering the stacks of pages she'd conquered.
Ah, the Hay Burger! she thought. Thank me. I could go for fifty hay burge- why is it closed? It's the middle of the day! Why is everyone looking at me like that?
