That Pony With The Glasses
Or
The Elements Of Critic
written By the watchful pony
part 1
Angry joe was walking down a long hallway in a convention center. He saw another person walking in the opposite direction.
"Hello sir, how are you doing today".
"Well I'm doin-".
"Oh wait, I don't care. Because I just won a million dollars" and so joe walked off towards a large room were most of the interviews were normally held. "Ok wear's my NO.......NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOO..........NO YOU ALL GOT THE SAME NOTE ABOUT THE MILLION DOLLARS".
"Yep" said everybody.
"Dammit, not this shit again". Joe walked into the crowd of all the critics.
"Don't worry, will get him in his sleep" said Lupa.
"So what do you think the nostalgia critic has planned this time" said Phelous.
"Probably another hair brain idea that going to end bad and get nearly all of us killed. I got ten bucks says Todd is the first to go" said Linkara.
"Your on" said Phelous. Everybody was hanging around when the Nostalgia critic walked in.
"What the hell are you all doing here" he said right before Linkara shot his magic gun at him and the critic ducked to the side. "Why are you mad at me".
"It's obvious that you called us all here for another stupid quest or idea you have" said Todd.
"This wasn't me" said the critic but only got angry stares. "Okay hang on, how many of you got this note about the million dollars". Everyone raised there hand exempt for Sage and the Bum.
"I just go were everyone else goes".said sage.
"And i'm only here for plot convenience, but I will take that money if it's in change" said the Bum.
"Well then it's clear that someone summoned us all here, but who" said Critic.
"I DID" said a booming voice from the back of the room. Everybody in the room turned to see a figure with a gray overcoat, a gray fedora, a staff with a cobra on the end in his hand, a katana, and sunglasses on. He also had several buttons all over his coat. Some said stuff like "cake is a lie" and others had pictures like twilight's cutiemark. "I AM THE ONE THAT HAS CALLED YOU ALL HERE, FOR I AM THE WATCHFUL PONY". Everybody in the room just stared in silence with the exception of Paw who coughed into his hand. "I AM A BRONY REVIEWER".
"A what" said spoony.
"I'M A MAN WITH A MAGIC STAFF SO LISTEN"said The Watchful Pony.
"It's kinda heard to hear you when you yell louder then Darth vader" said Angry Joe.
"Yea your more harder to understand then christian bale doing his batman voice" said the Critic.
"BUT THIS THE TRADITIONAL CANTERLOT VOICE, MY ROYAL CAPS LOCK".
"How about you go untraditional for two seconds" said Cinema Snob.
"Okay fine, I'll talk normally. Getting back to what I was saying, you are all probably wandering why I have summoned you all here".
"Some quest of some kind-" said Chick.
"That will take us all over god knows were-" said Todd.
"And ends in a big battle or a disappointing pay off" said Snob.
"Hay you guys are good at this. anyway, yes I am here to send you to a new world to learn the joys of ponys and to learn love and tolerance".
"But were critics. We don't love and tolerate, we bitch and complain" said Critic.
"and nitpick" said Linkara to which the Critic pointed and nodded his head.
"Well you say that but the thing is... pause for dramatic effect.... you don't have a choice" and with that he slammed his staff into the ground and an all dark port opened up and all the critics were sucked into it.
___________________________________________________________________
The nostalgia critic awoke in the middle of a road with the bright summer sun beaming down on him.
"Oh god, my head. Was I playing the steven king drinking game again. No I would be dead if that was the case. Wait, now I remember, there was that one guy. He used his staff to open a portal and transported us all here". He looked around to see that there was nobody around. He brought his hand to his head to rub it but soon found out that his hand had been replaced with a hove to which he proceeded to scream for a good five minuets until Linkara came along and slapped him in the back of the head.
"Will you stop screaming, it's magic bitch, why are you so surprised". When the critic recomposed himself, he looked himself and Linkara over. He still had his tie and his hat and coat on but he was a pony. He was a unicorn and had yellow fur and a balding black main. He also had his TGWTG symbol as his cutie mark. Linkara was also a unicorn and had green fur and a short, red main as well as his atop the forth wall symbol as his cutie mark.
"Ok ok, so were ponys" said Critic.
"Looks like it"said Linkara.
"And were here to learn to love and tolerate from a man that looked like a ultra nerd meets the matrix" said Critic.
"Pretty much". said Linkara.
"You know your taking this really well". said Critic.
"Well this happens to us every year so I'm kinda use to it" said Linkara.
"Fair enough. Well your the expert on this pony shit so tell me what we should do" said Critic.
"Well the first thing we should do is go to ponyvill and meet the main six and learn and live with them. Sooner or later that man that zapped us here will see that we have learned to live with them and will send us home".
"How often does this happen to people".
"I don't know, I lost track after the fifth HIE story I read".
"I think everyone should take a vacation after this".
"This could be our vacation".
"I said vacation, not torture. Well as soon as we find the others, we will head to this quote un quote ponyvill". The Critic and Linkara walked along until they saw another pony laying on the ground. they walked up to her and noticed it was the nostalgia chick.
"Lindsy wake up" said the Critic as he poked her.
"I dont wana go to school momy" said Chick.
"let me try something. Hay Lindsy, is that Todd".
"What what were. Hay Todd's not here, you tricked me".
"Well to bad. Come on, get up" said Linkara. Nostalgia Chick got up and she was an all red pegasus with black main in her classic pigtails style and she had a movie tape as a cutie mark.
"Well Todd may not be here, but at least I'm a pegasus" said Chick.
"Did someone say my name" said Todd as he appeared from out of some trees. He was an all gray earth pony with a black hoodie and a black vail over his eyes and had dark blue, connected quarter notes as a cutie mark (think vinyl scratches cutie mark).
"TODD" said Chick as she ran up to Todd only for him to side step out of the way right before she tried to pounce him.
"Well at least I'm not the only one that was turned into a pony...... wait a minuet, how come you guys are so colorful. I look like a took a bath in emo".
"I dont think thats how you make that joke, besides we need to find the rest of the group" said The Critic.
"SOMEBODY GET IN MY WAY" someone said right before it crashed into Linkara. the pony got up and it was a sky blue pegasus with dark blue hair and a scream mask as a cutie mark.
"Spoony is that you" said Critic.
"It's me allright, just taking this new body out for a spin".
"More like a crash" said Linkara.
"Oh bravo, what did it take you two minuets to come up with that" said a voice. It was reviled to be Cinema Snob. He was an earth pony that had his black over coat, was all black with a gray main and had the word porn for a cutie mark.
"Oh hay look Todd, your not the only one thats a depressing color".
"Blacks not depressing, it's mysteries. Besides, black is a bad ass color".
"You got that right" said another voice. It was Angry Joe. A pegasus with all black fur that had two white stripes running down each of his front legs, a red main and his big red S as his cutie mark..
"Okay is anybody else in the forest" said Critic.
"Yes.......I mean no".
"Alright, get out here" the rest of the group came out of the forest. There was Phelous who was an earth pony with red fur and had a short cut, orange main and had a shredder helmet as his cutie mark. Paw was also a earth pony with brown fur and no main but a black tail, his head phones and cap, and a movie strip and a double quarter note as a cutie mark. obscures Lupa was a earth pony with pink fur, a red main, and a big OL as her cutie mark. JewWario was a pegasus that had yellow fur, his hat, a yellow tail, and his wario hat with the initials JW as a cutie mark. Sage was a unicorn with black and red fur, a black and red main, and his dark robes over his face as a cutie mark.
"Okay thats everybody. Wait, wear's the Bum" said Critic.
"I dont know, he ran off as soon as he woke up" said Paw.
"Doesn't matter. Alright my fellow critics, to ponyvill.............well".
"Well what" said Linkara.
"Well lead us to it".
"I don't know were it is. Just because I know of the show does not mean I instantly know were ponyvill is".
"Is that it" said Snob as he pointed off towards a city.
"Yes it is" And so the critics set off towards the town of ponyvill.
____________________________________________________________________
It was sun set when the critics came to ponyvill. Everypony was looking at them funny and sometimes hitting buildings because they did not look forward. who know why everypony noticed them. Maybe they were more clothed then most ponys, maybe it's because there were so many of them in one place, or maybe it was spoony refusing to stop flying and crashing every two seconds. Soon they came to Twilights treehouse which was lit up on the inside. From a window it looked like the main six were all talking.
"Okay someone knock on the door" said the Critic.
"Why don't you just do it yourself, your right there" said phales.
"Because I command, not do. Now someone knock on the door".
"I'll do it" said Chick. she brought her hoove up and knocked on the door. There were whispers on the other side and some walking noise. Eventually Spike opened the door to see all the critics at the door.
"Sorry but the libraries closed, come back tomorrow" said spike. However, just as he was closing the door, the critic bucked the door open and all the critics barged into twilights house.
"Excuse me but the library is closed" said Twilight.
"Yea bud, what gives you and your little group the right to barge in like that" said Rainbow dash.
"I'm afraid you have a bigger problem then working in a dying profession. I don't know why I'm stuck in a girls toy bin, but me and my friends came here to learn how to love and tolerate, and thats what's up" said Critic. The main six just looked at them with shocked expressions.
"Uh critic, I think you need to explain a little more" said Chick.
"Alright, fine, let me explain" and so the critics went into the night explaining who they were and why they were there. They also when into less then acceptable material.
".. And thats the first time I ever did it with a duck" said the critic.
"So your all humans from earth, also I did not need to hear that last part" said twilight.
"Yes ,were here to live among the ponys, but first we need a place to stay.
"Well since there's twelve of you, I say that two of each can stay with one of each of us" said twilight.
"Hang on, who said I'm okay with this" said Rainbow dash.
"Rainbow, please, be civilized for once" said rarity.
"Fine, I'll let two of you stay".
"Okay then , heres how it will work. Me and Linkara will stay with Twilight. Lets see, sage and paw, you two can go with applejack..." sage and paw bro hooved each other."... Chick and Todd, you two go with Rarity..." Chick hugged Todd."... Lupa and Phelous, we haven't seen you two together, you go with Fluttershy, Angry Joe and Sponny, since you two are pegasuseses...".
"The plural is pegasi" said Dash.
"WHAT EVER, you two go with rainbow dash. And finally, Cinema Snob and Jewwario, you two go with Pinky Pie, that should be funny".
"Since Jewwarios a pegasus, can Sponny come with me instead, I don't trust these two together"said Snob.
"Fine, Jewwario, Switch with Sponny" said Critic.
"Uh, but I wanted to go with Pinky Pie".
"GET OVER THERE". Jewwario and Sponny switched spots.
"Okay now everybody....".
"aheam".
"What, oh right, I mean "everypony". Go get some rest for tomorrow". Everyone walked out except for Linkara, Critic, and Twilight.
"The guest bed is upstairs".
"I'm not sharing a bed with him".
"Me neither, lets rock, paper, scissors for it".
"How" said Linkara as he held up his hoove.
"Oh, right. Okay, lets yell out what we choose".
Both:"Rock paper scissors..." Linkara: "rock".
Critic: "scissors".
"... I win now get on the couch".
"Dammit". The defeated Critic got on the couch.... "I'm never gonna be able to sleep on this...." ......and passed out.
Part 2
The Critic woke up to find Twilight teaching Linkara how to use magic. His magic had a green aurora about it.
"Okay Linkara, just imagine the book to be completely weightless. Good, now try to move it closer to you..." but as it got close, Linkara lost concentration and the book landed on his hoove.
"DAMMIT, EVERY TIME WHY,WHY,WHY!",yelled Linkara
"If you want to live in this world you need to learn how to use magic."
"WELL MAYBE IF THIS WORLD COULD MAKE COFFEE, I COULD CONCENTRATE MORE!"
"Stop whining."
"I'M NOT WHINING, I'M COMPLAINING!"
"The one thing you good at.", said The Critic.
"Good morning Nostalgia Critic, did you sleep well?", said Twilight
"Well lets see, I'm still stuck living with a bunch of ponys, whose names sound like ice cream flavors, there is no possibility for adventure, and My fans are ready to kill me for not releasing an episode yet. So, yes. I slept very well." , Sarcasticly said The Critic.
"Oooookay, theres some haycakes in the kitchen if your hungry."
"I'll just have an apple". The Critic got up and grabbed an apple with his hoove from the fruit tray. "So what are you two doing?", he asked as he ate his apple.
"I was just showing your friend how to use magic.", replied Twilight.
"Magic doesn't exist."
"Then how can I make things float?"
"Well, it's obvious. You have thousands of tiny wires all over your house."
"Why would I go to such lengths just to convince you?"
"People do crazy things. I once started a war with a nerd because he reviewed a movie before I did."
"I had my spaceship blow a guys house up because he said I was a loser for liking Nickelback........Yea I have a spaceship.", said Linkara as Twilight looked at both of them in confusion.
"Are all human as strange as you?"
"Yes but, we have the means to act out our weirdness."
"Also, if magic isn't real. Then how can I do this.", just then the apple he was eating exploded.
"HOLY SHIT.......Okay, that was cool, teach me more." As time passed, The Critic and Linkara learned how to use magic with Twilight.
"Well this has been very eye opining, but I think we should check on the others, come Linkara."
"What am I, your slave."
"I SAID GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE" and so Linkara and The Critic walked out to the busy city. At least this time nopony was looking at them this time, they continued to walk until they came to Rarity's. As they entered they saw Rarity chasing Todd around the shop.
"DON'T YOU PUT THAT ON ME!", yelled Todd.
"I just want you to try on this new suit I made for you.", replied Rarity
"THAT'S A DRESS, I'M NOT PUTTING IT ON!"
"I just need you to take you veil off for a second."
"NEVER!"
"What the hell is going on here.", said The Critic.
"Rarity's trying to get Todd to try on a dress that she made for him for the past hour or so.", said Chick
"Just put it on for two seconds.", pleaded Rarity
"NO".
"Huh, well everything looks good here, lets go Linkara.", said The Critic.
"Uh, you go I kinda want to see where this is going.", Linkara replied
"Fine". Critic left the dress shop and thought about who he should see next. "Let's see, who can I visit next. Oh, I know, I'll see Cinema Snob. I bet he's suffering right now". The Critic came up to sugar cube and opened the door to see spoony flying next to Pinky Pie.
".... so then I said oatmeal, are you crazy.", said Pinky.
"Hahaha oh Pinky, your so funny. Oh hi Nostalgia Critic.", said Spoony.
"Did you just pull a Tommy Wiseau.", replied The Critic.
"What?".
"Nothing, were's Cinema Snob?".
"He's over there eating breakfast. So then what happened Pinky."
"Hey there Cinema Snob. Just checking to see how everybody is fitting in so far."
"Well, I get to have cupcakes for breakfast so things are pretty good".
"Really..... nothing bad. Huh, well that's a first".
"Every second is a living hell with these two." ,Confessed Cinema Snob.
"THERE IT IS. So where'd you get that cupcake anyways I kinda want one."
"Cakes."
"No, thats a cupcake. I'm asking were you got it".
"The Cakes, they're the bakers that work here dumbass".
"YOUR THE DUMBASS.", The Critic walked up to the counter and saw Mr. and Mrs. Cake making a fresh batch of rolls.
"Good morning, you must be one of Pinkys new friends.", said Mrs.Cake
"I thought Spoony was pinkys new friend?", said The Critic
"Pinky Pie is friends with every pony in ponyville".
"That's impossible. How can one pony be friends with everypony in a single town".
"I'm just that likable" said Pinky
"Da, were'd you come from.", said The Critic, startled by Pinkys sudden appearence.
"My parents. Wait right here Mr. Critic, I have a special treat for you.", Pinky trotted off to the kitchen.
"I think your gonna like this.", said Spoony
"She better not come out here with whip cream underwear on.", The Critic said as he shuddered at the thought.
"Well if you don't want it, I'll take it.", said Spoony
"SPOONY!"
"What, I like'em fat."
"SPOONY."
"CRITIC."
"DA, WILL YOU STOP SNEAKING UP ON..... oh a cupcake. Oh so thats what you were talking about Spoony". The Critic ate the cupcake in one bite. "Well, everything looks good here, so I'm off."
"If you see Joey, tell him he still needs to pick up his cupcake.", said Pinky Pie.
"Okay I'm almost done, now all I need to do is-.", said The Critic thinking out loud.
"INCOMING!", The Critic heard, just in time to get out of the way from being hit by Angry Joe.
"Sorry Critic, I'm still getting the hang of this.", Angry Joe said.
"You look like you still need practice.", replied Critic.
"I'm actually really good at flying, I just can't land."
"You got that right.", said Rainbow Dash. "Your getting better though, at least you didn't hurt anypony this time."
"Well at least I'm doing better then Jewwario." ,said Angry Joe as Jewwario floated towards them.
"Hey guys, I think I got-." ,and then he fell face first into the ground. Everypony just laughed at him.
"Keep trying Jewwario, you almost made it with that one.", said Rainbow Dash.
"Well looks like everything is okay here, now which is closer, Applejacks or Fluttershys.", asked Critic.
"That would be Fluttershys. Just go down this road til you see a cottage near the Everfree forest.", Rainbow told him.
"Thanks Rainbow, try not to join a pride parade."
"HAY.", Rainbow yelled as Critic walked away.
The Critic walked along until he saw a familiar looking pony. The pony was a pegasus that had a short cut, black mane, and a black leather jacket with buttons on. "Is that-". The Critic walked up to the pony. "CR?" The pony turned around to see The Critic but quickly turned around.
"I dont know who you talking about young man.", said the pony
"CR I know it's you."
"You are mistaking me for somepony else."
"My little pony sucks."
"YOU TAKE THAT BACK."
"Ahha, it is you CR."
"oh poop, well I guess you found me."
"What the hell are you doing here anyway."
"Well, as one of the inner circle bronys, I have the power to jump in between worlds."
"Theres a inner circle for bronys?"
"Yea but, I can't get into it."
"So how have you been."
"Look I can't talk, I have a date."
"With who?"
"Hey there CR." said a pony.
"Hey there Derpy, you ready?".
"OH MY GOD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU EYES?!", CR grabbed the Critic by his mouth.
"Can you excuse us Derpy?", CR dragged Critic to the side. "What the hell is wrong with you?!", whispers CR
"What, I'm just saying, she has weird eyes."
"It's a condition and she's very sensitive about it. So shut the hell up."
"Okay, okay, sorry.", The Critic and CR walked back to Derpy. "Hello Derpy, my name is The Nostalgia Critic."
"It's nice to meet you Mr. maCritic. Any friend of my CR is a friend of mine". Derpy flew over to CR and wrapped her wing around him.
"Well I'll just leave you two alone, nice to see you CR.", said Critic as he started to walk away.
"And thank you for the pointless five minute cameo.", said CR.
"Don't worry, you'll be back for the finale.", The Critic trotted off towards Fluttershys cottage and heard a lot of commotion coming from inside. when he opened the door, he saw three little fillies being chased by Obscures Lupa and Fluttershy while Phelous was on the couch.
"I'm gonna catch you Applebloom.", said Lupa.
"No ya aint.", said Applebloom.
"What's going on here.", said The Critic to Phelous
"Fluttershy's babysitting these girls tonight for Rarity. I don't feel like chasing them so I'm just siting here."
"Oh, hello Mr. Critic. I'm sorry I didn't see you come in, me and Lupa have been busy with the girls since they got here,". suddenly, Applebloom jumped on the Critics back.
"Is this the human ya were talking about Fluttershy.", asked Applebloom as all the cutie mark crusaders suddenly started to examine The Critic.
"He doesn't look like the creatures from those fairytails.", said Sweetie Bell.
"You told them I was human.", asked Critic to Fluttershy.
"I'm sorry Critic, I didn't want to lie to them.", Fluttershy said timidly.
"There's a surprise."
"They seem to like you."
"So what's it like to watch such bad movies once a week.", Scootaloo asked.
"A living hell."
"Cool.", said all three of the CMC.
"Yes that is very cool.", All of a sudden, Scootaloo grabbed The Critics hat.
"Keep away with The Critics hat.", she shouted as she threw the hat to Applebloom.
"Hey, give me back my hat you little assholes". The Critic chased after the CMC as they passed the hat between each other. Critic jumped towards one of them but missed and crashed into a bookshelf. He got up to try again and missed for a second time. "Okay, fuck this.", said The Critic as he used his magic to lift Sweetie Bell off the ground. Just as he was about to take back his hat, Scootaloo and Applebloom tackled The Critic.
"Girls, stop being so mean to my new friend. now give the nice man his hat back.", said fluttershy.
"Sorry Fluttershy, sorry Mr.Critic.", said the CMC. The Critic composed himself and put his hat back on.
"That's okay, thank you Fluttershy. I must be on my way.", Fluttershy flow in front of The Critic before he could walk out.
"Won't you stay for a little tea."
"Um, sorry, I can't stay."
"Can't you stay for a little bit?", said Fluttershy with a very sad looking face.
"Oh okay, one cup of tea.", releted The Critic
_______________________________________________________________________
The critic finally came to Sweet Apple Acres as the sun was starting to go down.
"Man that was some good tea but, I don't think I want to burn my tongue off any time soon.", said The Critic as he walked through the apple fields looking for Paw, Sage, and Applejack. He continued to walk until he hit something. He looked up to see a big red pony looking down on him. "Oh my god, please don't hurt me John Candy of Gor."
"The names Big Mac.", said the big red pony.
"I'm gonna call you John Candy of Gor. Anyway, do you know were Applejack is? I kinda need to talk to her.", Big Mac started to trot off so The Critic followed him. Eventually, he saw Paw, Sage, and Applejack bucking a bunch of apple trees.
"Are we done yet Applejack?", asked Sage.
"Almost partners, just one more tree.", said Applejack as Paw went up to the tree and gave it a nice hard kick with his hind legs. All the apples fell out into the baskets below.
"There, were done right.", said Paw hopefully.
"Yep.", said Big Mac as Both Paw and Sage fainted on the ground.
"She made you two work all day.", asked Critic.
"Yea, it was awful.", cried Sage.
"Ah come on, it wasn't that bad.", said Applejack.
"Well, that's everybody. Time to head back to Twilights and get some rest.", said Critic.
"WRONG AGAIN CRITIC.", says Pinkie as she appears out of nowhere
"WILL YOU STOP THAT PINKY PIE, IF I GET A HEART ATTACK THIS STORY WILL CEASE TO EXIST."
"Sorry Critic, but we have to celebrate you and your friends coming to ponyville."
"Oh, and how are we going to do that."
"A PARTY. We're off to Vinyl Scratch's Club for drinks and dancing."
"Now that more like it, lets go everybody.", said the Critic as they all trotted to the down town area to get the rest of the group for a party.
_______________________________________________________________________
Meanwhile in Los Pegasus, the bum with beige fur and messu black mane, wearing a tattered coat & cap, was walking around.
"How in the hell did I get here, everypony keeps giving me gold coins. I can't use gold, only change.", he mutttered . As he was walking along, he saw a pony coming out of a small club.
"The great and powerful Trixe does not get paid like this.Trixie demands you pay her the sum we agreed on.", said the pony.
"Sorry lady but you did not get enough ponys to see your show so I can't pay you what you wanted. Face it kid, no pony want's to see your cheap parlor tricks" and with that, the large pony slammed the door on her. The Bum walked up to the blue pony as she counted her money. He just stood over her until she finally looked at the Bum.
"Can Trixie help you.", she said
"Ya got change little magic pony.", he replied
"Trixie is not little and Trixie can not spare any of her money."
"Who's Trixie."
"I am Trixie."
"You mean there are two Trixies."
"What? No, Trixie is the only Trixie."
"My head hurts.", The Bum was about to put his hoove on Trixie until she moved away.
"Do not let your dirty coat touch Trixie."
"That's not dirt, it's part of the coat. go ahead and touch it."
"That is okay. Trixie does not want to have to wash her cape again."
"Oh a cape, are you a super hero."
"Trixie likes to think she is a super hero. May Trixie ask what your name is."
"My name is Chester A. Bum but my legally born name is Poor E. Broke."
"Well Trixie must return to her cart, you may stay with me if you be my promoter."
"I don't know, that sounds like a job."
"Trixie will pay you in change."
"I'm in. Something tells me you and I are going to be the best of friends."
"You know something, Trixie hopes you are wrong.", and so The Bum and Trixie trotted off towards her cart.
