Saxton Hale's Mildly Thrilling Tales: The Equestria Chronicles

by ProtheanBrony

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Adventure, Random, Discord, Crossover, Human, Gore
Length: 1007

This is a story with Saxton Hale in it. Read it. Saxton Hale commands it.

During a mishap at the set of the commercial for the new Level 4 Teleporter, Saxton Hale is sent to Equestria. He documents his findings in the form of a third-person novel.

This has been sitting on my backlist for about 2 months, and I just want to finish it up. It's probably utter crap, so don't read it. Please.

Published 2012-06-16 05:14:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-16 05:14:01 UTC

Chapter 1

"SAXTON HAAAAAALE! MEGA PROPERTY DAMAGE!" Saxton shouted as he leaped from the overpass and landed on the truck currently stealing his new toy. He smashed his fists down on the roof of the trailer, and crashed down into the cargo area.

"Look out! It's Saxt-" One of the guards declared as Saxton Hale punched him through the reinforced steel walls. Saxton turned, and observed as the remaining guard sprayed an assault rifle at him.

"HAHAHA! I APPLAUD YOUR PETTY EFFORTS!" Hale said as the bullets harmlessly bounced off of his custom-shaped bulletproof chesthair. The meek minion turned and ran towards the minion-shaped hole in the wall, and was yanked back violently as Saxton Hale undid his belt and used it to lasso the fleeing coward. "SAAAAXTOOOON HAAAAAALE! SPONTANEOUS ATMOSPHERIC COMBUSTION!" He shouted as he launched the minion into the stratosphere so quickly he disintegrated.

"Haha! Now, come to Papa, MARK 4 TELEPORTER!" Saxton shouted as he lifted up his new device. "ONLY $19,999,999.99! CALL NOW FOR A FREE EXTRA TELEPORTER FOR JUST DOUBLE THE PRICE!"

"And, cut!" The director shouted as Saxton messed up his lines, again. "Argh, Saxton. The line is 'Call now for a free extra teleporter for just double the price of a vintage replica of my Diamond-Encrusted-Gunship, also available now!'"

"Well, I am SAXTON HALE! And I should be the only one with a Diamond-Encrusted Gunship!" Saxton shouted, and slammed his fist through the director entirely.

"Agh, Damnit Saxton! That's the fourteenth director this week! Can't you tolerate just one correcting your lines?!" One of the production managers complained.

"No! Saxton Hale, away!" He shouted, and got into the Mark 4 Teleporter.

"Saxton, that is a plastic replica. It doesn't actually work." The same manager said.

"Oh really?" Saxton said, and smashed a jar of piss over it. Nothing happened. "Oh."

"Saxton, remember not to get any sugar in the Jarate. They're extremely volatile together, remember?" The manager said.

"Hey, boss I have your coffee with extra suga-" An intern said as he slipped on the puddle of Jarate, spilling sugar all over it. The compound began to sizzle, bubble, and hiss, and when it seemed to reach its climax, even Saxton, who was standing in it, was clutching at his testes. And then it fizzled out.

"Well, what a relief! I mean, I am explosion proof, but, it still hurts like-" And then the compound exploded with enough force to propel Saxton into space, and flatten the equivalent of 14 Woodstock's worth of Hippie's in the general vicinity of the blast, because Saxton Hale hates Hippies. "A BEEEEE-YEEEEEEEEETCH!" Saxton continued shouting, as he arced into the atmosphere, and eventually disappeared in a twinkle like the cliched 'Villian explodes and is unharmed but propelled into space' scenes from every show ever.

Saxton Hale drifted through space for years before activating his jetpack built into the seat of his pants. He headed to the most interesting looking planet, a tranquil Earth-like world. He crashed through the roof of the most regal looking building, finding a pair of unicorns with wings inside it.

"Who are you?" The larger one managed to ask before it was smashed under Saxton's granite glutes. The other one opened its mouth to call for help, but Saxton scooped her up in his arms, shushed her, and produced a rose. Being a horse, the creature he picked up ate it and died of internal bleeding because of the thorns. He then activated his jetpack again, and flew towards the most plot-significant area, Ponyville.

He landed in a tree-library, where a small reptilian biped was grunting, moaning, and sweating as it attempted to do a coffee grinder in a black unitard. Saxton threw a jar of piss on it, and an Australian sharpshooter teleported next to the creature, and shouted.

"ARRRR TEEEEAAAA DEEEEEE!" It shouted, and exploded, consuming the entire tree-building thing and making a comically oversized mushroom cloud. Saxton was propelled into a weird-tree cottage thing next. It seemed everything in this place was made of trees. He decided to draw an axe from his pants, and slice down a nearby tree. It began bleeding, and a bunch of little baby rabbits ran up to it and started crying. A giant Russian man with a minigun then popped out from the profusely bleeding tree, pulled out a pair bleeding butterscotch yellow wings from the tree, and flew into the sky, singing something about crying more.

Saxton then pulled out a pair of nuclear Saxxy's, and threw them into the town, completely incinerating it and its inhabitants. A small pale-yellow little pony ran up to him, and cried.

"Yah keeled mah sistah!" It said. A hole appeared below it, and a Texan mechanic's head shot through the pony.

"Nope." The head said. Then, the head exploded, revealing a middle-aged man wearing an SS cap. "Chuck Testa."

Saxton then bravejumped very far towards the next closest thing, which happened to be a little horse that looked like a beagle and was dressed like a pirate.

"Piracy is bad! Remember that, kids!" Saxton said, and a swarm of little girl scouts charged from a grove and tackled the evil pirate, tearing it apart and eating its intestines. He then bravejumped again and landed on top of this weird-ass statue in a garden. This weirder-ass snake thing came out and laughed at him.

"You sound stupid!" It said.

"You sound like Q!" Saxton said, and tore its head off, revealing a trio of Spaniards under it, who jumped at him and shouted.

"NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" They shouted, and Saxton shouted back.

"FUS RO DAH!" He shouted, and a panda fell onto the three guys.

A cyan blur then slammed into him, but because of his epicness, it shattered into infinitesimal bits on impact. Saxton laughed, and the cast of the Reliable Excavation Demolition randomly appeared behind him and joined his laughter, and they laughed until the universe imploded from so much laughter.

THE MOTHERFUCKING END. Wasn't that so utterly terrible?