The beginning, and the end.
It was a rather calm morning in Equestria, everypony was awaking to a bright new morning. All ponies knew their duties and went about them accordingly. Except Apple Jack, usually she would wake up and whip her slaves into picking her cotton fields, but this morning was different.
“....Apple Jack, the cotton fields are dead, why haven’t you been tending to them?” Big Mac asked.
“...who gives a hoot…. jus’ git the slaves ta do it all.” Apple Jack muttered.
“I would but the slaves are dead too...you forgot to feed them. Slaves aren’t cheap anymore, I have no clue how were gonna scrape up the cash to buy more. Looks like Apple Bloom’s gonna hafta work at the factory again to feed us.” Big Mac sighed. “why’d we ever stop growing apples.”
“granny became one of thos’ vegans...that diet where ya only eat meat.” Apple Jack said.
“oh yeah.” Big Mac said “Well, if you need me, I’ll be selling my body for money.” Big mac said as he put on a pair of assless chaps and walked away.
After about thirty minutes of lying in bed contemplating what to do next, she got up and headed over to her confederate flag hanging on the wall. she got on her knees, crossed her hooves together and said “Please our great lord and savior, Jefferson Davis, please give me strength on such dark times.” then she picked up her pocket watch that had an autographed picture of general Stonewall Jackson on it and headed out the door.
---------------------------------------------TWILIGHT’S HOUSE-------------------------------------------
“Well if you think it’s so easy then how do you suggest we do it?” Twilight said.
“All we need to do is throw it off a bridge, we can just say it was an accident.” Spike suggested.
“No, no one would believe that...how about we dissolve the body in acid and dump it into the water supply?” Twilight suggested.
“That sounds like a great idea, im glad you came up with such a great way to get rid of a bo-” spike attempted to say before being interrupted by Apple Jack entering the room.
“Howdy yall, I got some bad news.” AppleJack said with her head pointed towards the ground.
“OH! Hey AppleJack...uh..um...nice seeing you here I guess.” Spike says after kicking what looks like a rather lifelike ragdoll under the table.
“Why are you even here? No one cares about what you ever have to say AppleJack!” Twilight said.
“ Mighty kind of ya Twilight. Well ya see, I woke up this here morning to find out all my slaves are dead and ma crops are dying...now I need a new job.” AppleJack said.
“Have you ever thought about suicide? I mean I hope you realize that you didn’t really have much to live for even when your farming career was successful.
“Now why In the name of Robert E. Lee would I do that?” AppleJack asked.
“Do whatever you want, just get out of my home. Me and Spike need to tend to a guest. Besides...” Twilight looked back and forth suspiciously before whispering “Your south is spreading.” she said noting that some of the books on her shelves were turning into bibles and revolvers.
AppleJack decided maybe going to Rarity would cheer her up. “Maybe Rarity has some sorta new dress to show me.” AppleJack said.
As AppleJack walked unexpectedly into Rarity’s house she saw Rarity sitting crossed legged in the middle of what looked like a pentagram made out of a suspicious red liquid chanting “satin tenebris laudet dominum .”
“Um, Rarity, I’m sure whatever yer doin’ is holy an’ all but yer makin’ me as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full a’ rocking chairs.” AppleJack said while sweating.
Rarity didn’t seem to stop what she was doing, she seemed to be in a strange trance. Her eyes turned red and her head shot up to look at AppleJack. “Kill thyself.” Rarity said in a rather demonic voice.
“...Um...bye?” AppleJack said as she walked out the door.
As AppleJack was walking along her lonely road once again she was thinking. “All ma friends seem ta be gettin’ angry at me and thinkin’ I should off ma self...maybe their right.” Before AppleJack could muster up the courage to finally do what everyone wants her to do she decided to ask Fluttershy for some advice on the situation.
After walking many miles to get to Fluttershy’s bungalow she finally arrived. “Howdy Fluttershy, I know this is a rather sensitive question to be askin’ ya but...you’ve killed yourself before...should I do it?” AppleJack asked.
“W-well, um, it’s actually r-rather pleasent s-so I’d have to say yes.” Fluttershy said nervously.
“hmmm, alright I reckon I’ll do it.” AppleJack said. “I’ll go ask Pinkie Pie for help.” then she walked to Sugarcube Corner.
“Howdy Pinkie Pie, can you help me kill maself?” AppleJack asked.
“Well I don’t think I can do that, but I can let you test out my new party cannon!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed.
“Um, I guess I can try it.” AppleJack said.
Pinkie Pie prepared the cannon, lit it, then covered her ears. After the fuse went out they were standing there awkwardly for a couple minutes.
“That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe.” AppleJack said, but before she could walk away an AA12 fully automatic combat shotgun lunged out on a stick and unloaded a whole clip into AppleJack’s body. To AppleJack’s surprise she seemed to still be alive. “Well what in tarnations is this?” AppleJack said as she pulled her stopwatch out of her skin pocket just to see all the ammo lodged into the outside of the stop watch while the picture of General Stonewall Jackson seemed to be unharmed and smiling confidently at her. “gad dang it Pinkie Pie! That there darn shotgun is useless! I’ll just go do it maself!” AppleJack said as she stormed out of the room.
“Good luck with that!” Pinkie Pie yelled happily while snickering to herself.
--------------------------------MEANWHILE AT THE PRINCESS CELESTIA’S CASTLE----------
AppleJack was standing at the top of Celestia’s castle preparing to jump as a bunch of bystanders came with bags of popcorn to watch.
“Do it faggot!” Snowflake yelled.
“Maybe I will!” AppleJack said as she got even more depressed at the fact that no one cared that she wanted to die.
Celestia came outside to investigate all the racket. “Applejack..what are you doing up there! Get down from there.” Celestia yelled.
“Finally! Someone who cares about me, I knew you and I were as close as two catfish in a skillet!” AppleJack said.
“No you idiot, don’t jump, that would mean I’d have to pay someone to clean up your carcass.” Celestia said.
“Did you say something sister?” Luna stuck her head out a window from the tower Applejack was standing on.
“Not you sister. Someone wants to jump off the tower again!”
“Who?”
“Applejack.”
Luna gasped. “Finally! Tell her to wait, I’ll be right out.” Luna slammed the window shut disappearing into the castle. Applejack could vaguely hear somepony yell “Cadenza, get the camera!” from inside.
“Screw this! I’m not killin’ maself for all yer entertainments! I’ll find a different place to do it instead!” AppleJack said as she climbed down. She decided to return home and use her pappy’s trusty ol’ revolver instead.
“Oh great...it’s you...have ya come to drain more of ya old granny’s retirement checks ta use on yer crystal weed or other young folk drugs?” Granny Smith said.
“...No granny, I came home to off maself.” AppleJack said.
“Finally, ya dumb inbred granddaughter o’ mine.” Granny Smith said.
AppleJack entered her room and took out the revolver. “Now listen here revolver, don’t miss on me, cuz I can jus’ go buy more bullets if I hafta!” AppleJack said as she pointed the barrel of the gun at her head and pulled the trigger. To AppleJack’s dismay, the gun backfired and exploded, leaving AppleJack covered in soot and unharmed. “Gad Danggit! Looks like I gotta try somethin’ else!” AppleJack said, frustrated.
That’s when AppleJack had the brilliant idea to get discord to help her. “I know! I’ll get Discord to help me!”
“...I already said that you fucking retard.” The author said.
AppleJack then made her way to the gateway that leads to Discord’s house, realm, room, thing. When she approached the gateway there was a rather bored looking pony sitting in a booth. “sacrifices before entering please” the pony said.
“No need, Discord will get to get my body as a sacrifice when he’s done killing me!” AppleJack said.
“...good enough..I guess.” he said while pressing a button to open the portal.
Entering the portal, AppleJack was able to see Discord sitting at his throne trying to recreate Kanye West’s music video ‘Power’. “God damn it AppleJack! I would of had it if you hadn’t interrupted me!” Discord said.
“I need your help Discord!” AppleJack pleaded.
“Help? From the god of chaos!? What kind of help do you need?” Discord asked.
“I need ya to help me…..kill maself.” AppleJack said nervously.
“Really? That’s it? Well that’s easy!” Discord said while lighting a cigar.
AppleJack sat there for a minute watching Discord suck in smoke from the cigar. “...Are you just gonna stand there or wh-”
“Wait a moment...waaaiiitt for it...almost there.” Discord said.
“Will ya jus’ do it already!” AppleJack yelled.
Discord then proceeded to blow smoke into AppleJack’s face. “I’m gonna kill you with...SECOND HAND SMOKE! HAHAHAHAHA YOU’RE DOOMED!”
“...I’m leaving now, there has ta be a better way of offin’ maself then this.” AppleJack said before leaving the portal.
“Have you tried jumping off a castle before?” Discord yelled to her as she was going out the door.
“Shut up!” AppleJack said as she heard Discord cackling in the background.
“Hey! you didn’t leave him a sacrifice!” The pony in the tollbooth said.
“Shut yer trap, you’re just Discord’s magic.” AppleJack said.
“Yeah whatever.” The cardboard cutout inside the tollbooth said.
As AppleJack was strutting along, thinking of a new way to kill herself when she stumbled along a rather large looking bridge. “Perfect! I’ll try jumpin’ again!” AppleJack exclaimed.
AppleJack prepared herself to jump, finally she would be able to embrace sweet death. After several minutes of staring into the abyss she finally jumped, as she was falling all she could think about is the sweet ending to such a cruel life. It was as though everything was going in slow motion as she opened her arms to accept the pavement below her. “Everyone get’s one!” Spiderman said as he caught AppleJack before she could hit the ground.
“Spiderman!? Now why in the world would ya do somethin’ as stupid as that!?” AppleJack said.
“It’s my job!” As soon as Spiderman was done saying that, he sprinted out into the street, trying to make a quick escape but only ended up getting hit by a truck.
“Good, now I can try jumping again.” AppleJack said. As she was walking back to her spot, the truck that ran over Spiderman tipped over, filling the entire hole with instantly drying cement. “OH GOSH DARNIT! HOW IS ANYONE AROUND HERE S’POSED TO KILL THEMSELVES!?” AppleJack yelled.
“Did I hear someone wants to.”
“Kill themself?” the Flim Flam brothers said.
“Um...yeah...why? You have somethin’ for me?”
“It just so happens.”
“We have just the device for your needs!”
“We call it ‘The Handy Dandy Suicide Subordinate Six Thousand’.”
“To help subsist in you suicide!”
“To help sack your sad life!”
“But of course it will cost you my dear filly!”
“Cost me what?” AppleJack asked.
“The deed to your farm.”
“And everyone who lives there!” They said as they handed her a contract to sign.
“Well golly, I’ll be dead anyway, so I guess this is worth it! Thanks guys!” AppleJack said.
“No!”
“Problem!”
AppleJack signed the deed without reading it and trotted into the booth happily. AppleJack saw a single button that said “start” on it, and then she pressed it and awaited the death she’s had to work for this entire time. The machine started to shake and make loud noises. AppleJack was standing there patiently and pleased that finally it was going to happen. That’s when the machine stopped shaking and a pipe came down from the ceiling dispensing a piece of paper. AppleJack picked it up and read the note, it said “Do it yourself you filthy casual.”
“What to heck guys!? I thought you said this would kill me!” AppleJack said angrily as she stepped out of the booth.
“I guess this will teach you.”
“To read between the lines next time!”
AppleJack snatched the contract out of their hooves and read that in the case that the machine does not actually cause your death that there are no refunds. After she was done reading the brothers grabbed the contract and said.
“Better luck next time kiddo!”
“You fool!” then they both laughed and headed toward AppleJack’s farm, which they now own.
AppleJack, now at the point of no return, was walking along the highway finding a car to lunge herself in front of when she heard the sounds of sirens in the distance. She looked up to see a truck hectically swerving down the highway when it finally got too top heavy for the intense turns and toppled over. Four Ponies in suits and different clown masks crawled out of the truck.
“Hurry Hoxton! Grab the money quick!” Wolf yelled.
“No time! The five o’ are here, we gotta split!” Chains yelled. Then the four of them ran like hell down the highway, not even batting an eye towards the orange pony standing on the side of the road. After they ran by a squad of royal guard ran past, obviously in pursuit of the masked vigilantes. After everyone was gone AppleJack headed over to the truck and found out it was filled with numerous amounts of duffel bags filled with money.
“By Fort Sumter! this is enough to live in comfort for the rest of ma life!” AppleJack said happily. “I don’t need to die anymore!” The pony started yelling with joy as she hopped up and down, but then she heard more voices heading her way.
“Man, good thing they didn’t send too many men in blue after us. Taking them out was a breeze once we got our distance!” Dallas exclaimed.
“You got that right.” Hoxton said.
“Now let’s go collect our payday.” Wolf said.
As the four ponies made their way into the back of the truck they saw the orange pony swimming around in the pools of cash happily.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Chains questioned.
“Fuck man put your masks back on she’s a civilian!” Dallas yelled.
“Too late I think, take her out boys.” Wolf yelled.
“WAIT NO!” Applejack yelled before blacking out. After what only felt like seconds, she awoke in the hospital bed.
“I-I can’t feel ma legs!” AppleJack yelled.
“That’s strange, you shouldn’t be able to feel your whole body.” A doctor said.
“What happened!?” AppleJack asked.
“You seem to have been in the wrong place at the wrong time, some cops sent as backup found you in the truck with a bullet wound in your spine. You’re lucky to even be alive, but unfortunately you are going to be paralyzed for the rest of your life in that wheelchair.” The doctor said.
“Who’s going to take care of me? The Flim Flam brothers own everything I had now!” AppleJack said.
“oh, them? Yeah about that.” The doctor said as he opened the door to reveal the flim flam brothers standing there in a rather comedic pose smiling.
“You see my dear!”
“We need a breeder!”
“For more workers!”
“Your little sister died in a factory accident!”
“And your grandmother has died of a heart attack!”
“...What about my brother? Is he alright?” AppleJack asked.
“Oh he’s a sly one!”
“when he found out what you did!”
“He fled the country!”
“And If we find him!”
“Were going to break all his limbs and throw him into a river!” They said enthusiastically.
“...Darn.” AppleJack said.
“And don’t worry darling!”
“We’ve invented a one time use device that will make a single being live forever!”
“So you can continue to pop out workers for generations!”
“Upon generations!” The Flim Flam brothers said.
That is when AppleJack lived out the rest of eternity giving birth to more workers for many generations upon generations of Flim Flam descendants. As much as she’s always wanted to die, she never will. The end!
