It's Happening

by Marnssj

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Alternate Universe, Other, Comedy, Tragedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Human, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1926

President Ron Paul of the United States of America of planet Earth travels through the magical portal to planet Equus to meet with Princess Celestia of Equestria to discuss urgent matters of state.

President Ron Paul of the United States of America of planet Earth travels through the magical portal to planet Equus to meet with Princess Celestia of Equestria to discuss urgent matters of state.

Published 2015-06-03 23:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-03 23:40:02 UTC

You Should Have Listened

President Ron Paul sat across from Princess Celestia at the grand dining table where Equestria hosted its most esteemed guests. "I want to thank you once again, Princess, for having me over for this private dinner," he said. "What an honor! I understand it's not every day that royalty such as yourself would host a humble human like me."

"But of course, nothing but the best for the President of the United States," she replied. "We always enjoy visits from leaders of state."

As he sipped cider from Sweet Apple Acres, he coyly demurred, "Oh no, I'm but a simple man, I enjoy the simple things in life."

"Like a walk in the park?" Celestia suggested.

"Exactly!"

"Mmm, so, tell me: how has the weather been for you on Earth lately?"

"Huh?"

"On Earth, how's the weather been?" she asked again.

"Er, I don't know how you mean, it's been fine, nothing out of the ordinary," he said with uncertainty. "We have a very mild climate, quite similar to your own, here."

"Oh? So it hasn't been, say, unusually warm lately?" she asked with eyebrow raised.

"Well, er, well, yes, that. How did– how would you know about that?" he asked pointedly.

"I am after all the 'Solar Princess,' so I control the sun. It rises at my command, it falls at my command, it burns brighter at my command; yes, it even burns hotter if i will it so," she explained.

"Well I'll be Barack Obama's uncle," Ron Paul gasped. "Well I'll BE!" he shouted in glee, kicking back his chair and jumping up and down in joy and laughing out loud.

Celestia shook her head and covered her mouth with her hoof as she snickered at the old man apparently celebrating her special talent. "What's gotten into you, Mr. President?" she asked.

"Madam, you've just proven beyond all doubt that the climate change experienced on Earth is not man-made in its origin! I always said it wasn't man-made, well I certainly never went on record as saying it was magical, per sé but there you have it, straight from the horse's mouth! if you'll pardon the expression," he said glibly.

"Of course..."

"And hey, while I'm here, I don't suppose I could ask you if you'll do me a favor and dial it back a few notches? To be honest, it's getting a little hot under the collar back on Earth, if you get my drift, and we'd sure appreciate it if you'd let things cool off. Heck, it might even get me re-elected next year," he said with a chuckle.

"Ah, to that I'll have to say…no."

"What?" Ron Paul blinked, taken aback by Celestia's response. "What do you mean, 'no?' Are we not allied nations? It's clearly within your power to do so, as you so clearly outlined."

"Well Mr. President, allow me to answer your question with a question: why did I make the sun hotter in the first place? Let us see if you've been paying attention down on Earth," she replied.

"Uh…what? I don't– I don't understand. Paid attention to what? Princess, please, this is no time for games. The situation back on Earth is rather dire, despite any times in the past that I may have down-played it," he said with a note of panic, the mirth now clearly gone from his voice.

"Oh yes, believe me, I know. I know far more than anypony else the severity of Earth's situation. You are not wrong when you categorize it as 'dire.' It is quite literally an extinction-level event," she said calmly.

Ron Paul sputtered. "You're talking about billions of peoples' lives here, Celestia! You're willing to throw that all away?" he cried.

"Throw away? What is there to 'throw away' here? Your people do not take care of their planet at all. You've poisoned your own water supply, you throw trash everywhere, you literally defecate where you eat. You cannot 'throw away' that which is not taken care of, Mr. President. It is already as good as thrown away," Celestia's tone turned icy as she regarded the smaller human's pleas.

"No…this cannot be…" he mumbled to himself, shaking his head.

"Mr. President, I asked you a question. Why did I make the sun hotter?"

"I don't know!" he howled.

"Then let me tell you. I was trying to communicate with you, to send a message. Follow-up question! What message was I trying to send?" Celestia was now towering over Ron Paul's diminutive height, casting a long shadow over him as the sun glared through the windows behind her.

"Please, I don't– I don't know! For the love of god, I don't–"

"Stop snivelling, it will do you no good. Really, for a world leader, I would have thought you to be capable of at least participating in some back-and-forth. I brought you here, thinking we could play a little game, but you're being no fun at all. If this is how you're going to be…" she trailed off, her horn beginning to glow ominously.

"Wait, please, I'll try. Ask me your questions," he gulped hard. "I'm ready. I'm ready to face these demons. Whatever you want to know, just ask and I'll try to answer as best I can!" he pleaded.

"Very well then," she said, her horn's light dissipating. "Why did human beings do nothing when you had the chance?"

"Er, well, I think it was the money. We were all making so much money, there was just no way to stop it. We couldn't help ourselves, we knew we were poisoning the environment but, we were just making too much money to stop!"

"Money? This?" Celestia levitated out some bits from a small silk purse and threw them at Ron Paul's feet.

"Yes, not this particular denomination of currency,– and might I say kudos for maintaining the gold standard here in Equestria,– but money in general proved to be very intoxicating in large quantities, my Princess," he replied.

She turned her back on him, and looked out the window at her sun as it burned brightly in the sky. "Amazing, isn't it," she said.

"The sun? Yeah, sure, it's pretty awe-inspiring," he chimed in, hoping to curry a little favor.

"No," she sighed, "I was referring to filthy lucre. I don't know what it is about Terra, maybe something in the magnetic core of the planet that drives you sapient creatures mad. My little ponies have money but, they don't go insane in the acquisition of it. Everypony has what they need, and those that need are given by those that have plenty. It's a fair system, becau— why are you shaking your head?!"

"I'm sorry Madam, but what you're describing is the most un-American heresy I have ever heard in my entire life. Ponies in need being given to by those that have? Are you nuts? This is exactly why in America we have a system of checks and balances to protect against the tyranny of monarchy; no offense. I cannot imagine living in a society in which my fellow man is expected to give– literally give hand-outs by hand to other members of said society. How would society function? How does your society function?" Ron Paul was fuming as he lectured Princess Celestia on the tenets of capitalism.

"Don't you dare turn this around on me young man, I'm about to obliterate your entire planet and you have the gall to lecture me on how to best cultivate a society? I have had peace for thousands of years, when you cannot go a decade without starting another war! I am not a dictator, I am no heavy-hoofed monarch," she sputtered.

"And another thing, what about your subjects, whom you claim to care about so much? Surely they would feel it, were you to tamper with the sun's heat for extended periods of time," he said, his lip curling.

"Oh Ron, you simple man," she sighed, her glossy mane shimmering as she shook her head. "Time works differently for us here on Equus than for you down on Terra. The last time I had a disagreement with beings from your planet was one thousand years ago when the lizard-men had a similar grievance. Natural-born conquerors, hungry for coin and meat, they sought to spread their foul influence across the galaxy.

"Princess Luna begged me to try diplomacy, and when I would not be dissuaded from my course of action, she gave into the dark lizard magics that were affecting her, and became Nightmare Moon. After banishing her to the moon I was about to fry Terra to a crisp, when a meteor impacted the surface and blanketed the upper atmosphere in ash.

"From there it was relatively simple to turn the heat down and freeze them out, letting nature take its course. Had I known that a thousand years later I would have your kind to deal with, I'd have turned the damned planet into a charred husk of magma as quick as possible," she spat.

"So, while I've been here for a few hours, how long have I been away from Earth?" Ron Paul asked, the realization slowly creeping onto his face.

"Hmm, well if I'm not mistaken, it's roughly seven and a half years on Terra for every Equus hour," Celestia replied, "But hey, who's counting, am I right?"

"Oh no, that means I'm not President anymore!" he gasped.

"You know what else it means? I could roast your planet for three hundred years, turn it to charcoal, and for my little ponies it would just be a balmy weekend. They'd probably like it," she said with a little smirk.

"You're a monster! I'll kill you!" he screamed, lunging at her.

"Yeah, that's what the lizard-men said, too! Enjoy turning into petroleum, you damn dirty ape!" Celestia cackled as her magical energy enveloped Ron Paul and levitated him into the air, just as he was about to wrap his fingers around her graceful neck.

"I wanted you to be proper stewards of your planet. It didnt have to end like this," she said, as the portal to Terra,– his home planet of Earth,– opened behind him. "Don't call it your grave, you chose this."

And with that, she threw him through the portal, closing it behind him. He fell through Earth's atmosphere, landing on the south lawn of the White House, the trees and grass bursting into flame all around him.

"CURSE YOU CELESTIA!!!" Ron Paul shouted into the heavens as his skin boiled off revealing his skull.

Ron Paul bolted upright in his bed. "Whew, it was all just a nightmare! I gotta warn everybody! Thank god there's still time! I just hope they believe me! All they have to do is listen and I can save all of them, then I can be the hero I always knew I was. There may still be time for me to be President. Heck, maybe my son can be President too if he stops plagiarizing wikipedia!"

Ron Paul jumped out of bed and rushed out of his house, still in his pajamas and bunny slippers, energized to warn an America just waking up. Because it was morning. Morning in America.

Author's Note

Ohohoho it was all a dream! Merry Fool's Day everypony! Were you bamboozled? :trollestia: :trollestia: :trollestia: :trollestia: :trollestia: :trollestia: :trollestia: :trollestia: :trollestia: :trollestia: :trollestia: :trollestia: :trollestia: :trollestia: :trollestia: :trollestia: :trollestia: :trollestia: :trollestia: :trollestia

Ehh it's just a little tardy, no big deal....... :twilightblush: