Chapters Discord Underground Talk Radio
"Hello? Is this thing working? Testing, testing, testing."
"Hello? Is this thing working? Testing, testing, testing."
"Oh, good, it is working. Just a little feedback problem.
"Oh, good, it is working. Just a little feedback problem.
"Give me a second to fix it...
"Give me a second to fix it...
"Ah, there we go. Am I good now? ... Great! Now then... ah, right. Ehem!
"Welcome to the Equestria's first radio program, Discord Underground Talk Radio! Hosted by yours truly, Discord! Lord of chaos!
"Many of you might be wondering why I am calling this program Discord Underground Talk Radio. The answer is quite simple. I am literally underground right now to ensure that this presentation can be brought to everypony without interruption.
"Discord Underground Talk Radio, or D.U.T.R. for short, exists to exercise the freedom of speech that dear Princess Celestia guarantees to all. Is there a topic that you have always been curious about, but you never had the nerve to bring up? Do you have any questions about facts long forgotten to everypony except for the princesses and myself, but the princesses have never found time to answer? Do you just want your question to be heard by anypony in Equestria who owns a radio?
"You can ask your questions and ask for the knowledge and opinions of the lord of chaos here on D.U.T.R! To learn how, just wait until the end of the program and I will give you instructions on how to contact me!
"Unfortunately, as this is my first broadcast, there are no topic requests or questions from anypony. Therefore, I have something special for you all. Many of you may not actually understand exactly what it is that you purchased when you bought your radio. I now present to you an interview with the mare who made this marvel of magic possible. Princess Twilight Sparkle!
"Princess Twilight, could you please tell me about your latest project?"
"Discord? Why are you talking like that? Are you talking about the radio project?"
"Yes. I would like for you to tell me how you came up with the idea for your new invention."
"I didn't realize that you were interested in magical advancements of our age. But, I would be happy to explain! First of all, the radio is not actually my own invention. You see, I recently came to possess a number of books that were originally lost to ponies forever. One of these books contained the notes of a unicorn named Nicker Tussler. Among other things, he was studying a new field of magic in hopes that he could create a more efficient way of communicating across long distances.
"The problem with trying to instantly communicate with magic over long distances is that the energy required goes up exponentially with distance, and messages can only be sent to one location at a time. But Tussler managed to create a solution to this problem with two magical devices. The first device, the transmitter, is capable of sending signals across a spherical area, and the amount of energy required to transmit across distances only goes up linearly with the radius.
"And then the other device, the radio, is nothing more than a device that is able to translate the signals in the magical field into audible sound so that ponies are able to understand the message! Unfortunately, Tussler's laboratory mysteriously burned to the ground and his research was lost forever. That is, until today!"
"Could you explain how the transmitter and radio work together in simpler terms?"
"Sure! Think of the transmitter as a center of a ball. If you have a radio anywhere on the inside of the ball, it can receive messages from the transmitter, and the transmitter can send messages to every single radio in the ball at once. While the transmitter does require alot of magical energy to make a ball big enough to send long distance messages, the radio needs almost no energy whatsoever. The prototype radios we have made so far are expected to be able to work for years."
"Is the radio expected to see commercial use any time soon?"
"Yes. Several have already been placed on store shelves in towns across Equestria. Everypony who purchases one has been told to expect the first broadcast in the form of a speech from Princess Celestia herself next week. They aren't being mass produced yet, but I expect that when everypony sees how useful they are, the demand for radios will go up."
"Have you discovered anything else of interest from the formerly lost books?"
"Well, yes. But I'm afraid that it isn't going nearly as well. There is another book that describes how magic can be stored and manipulated by non-unicorns using a sort of artificial horn called a wand. They are actually just sticks with a gem embedded in the tip to control the flow of magic in the same way that unicorn horns do. Unfortunately, it seems to be nearly impossible for non-unicorns to actually use the wands. There are three main problems.
"The first problem is that the pony has to be touching the wand for it to work, and they are rather unwieldy in hooves or in one's mouth. The second problem is that the book claims that the pony needs to have a strong connection to the wand, and nopony can bring themselves to feel anything special for a stick. The last problem is that there are surprisingly few earth ponies or pegasi willing to actually make a committed effort to the study.
"A few ponies from around Ponyville have volunteered to try their hoof at it, but nopony has been able to get any results at all. I'm hoping that with more volunteers I can find somepony who is able to get results."
"Princess Twilight Sparkle is currently accepting applications from aspiring students. Could you be the lucky pony to prove yourself to the princess of friendship?
"The next topic of discussion is about something that everypony should be familiar with: Apples. Apples are among the most abundantly available crops in Equestria and is the main ingredient in an astounding number of recipes, most of which invented by none other than the family of the element of honesty. In fact, the town of Ponyville, where the Apple family resides, is the top producer of apples in Equestira.
"But is it possible that apples have previously unknown side effects? One expert Draconequus suspects that the consumption of apples could be tied to feelings of paranoia!
"If you or somepony you know has been experiencing feelings of suspicion recently, they are urged to see the nearest doctor and blame it on apples.
"For my last topic, a bit of advice to help you save both time and bits with less than no effort at all! The secret is to conserve, conserve, conserve!
"For instance, you can save time and bits by bathing only half as often, or even less, if you can get away with it. Other ponies may look at you and tell you that you are filthy , but remember, when you finally do get around to taking that bath, you'll be just as clean afterward as you would be if you had also had a bath the day before.
"Your foals can conserve time to devote to their studies and play time by not cleaning their rooms! While this may seem to promote a lazy lifestyle, it is more practical. You never actually set hoof into their rooms anyway, and they prefer to have all of their toys strewn across the floor for easy access.
"Contrary to what most ponies believe, an unclean lifestyle is actually something to be proud of, as it promotes conservation, practicality, and a stronger immune system from living in filth! Make the change today!
"I now give you this week's chaotic climate prediction: There is a ninety percent chance of a significant outbreak of chaos in the town of Ponyville and a fifty percent chance of significant chaos in Canterlot. All other locations in Equestria have approximately a twenty-two percent chance of chaos.
"To end today's program, I now provide the instructions on how to contact me, as promised earlier in the program. Send any and all questions and topic requests to Ponyville Post Office addressed to Discord Underground Talk Radio. It's that easy! I hope to receive some truly compelling letters by next week, when this program is schedualed to run again. If your letter is not chosen for reading, remember, I'll only respond to letters that I like.
"You have been listening to Discord Underground Talk Radio. For those of you who missed part of the program, tune in again in two hours for a repeat of this week's program."
Discord Underground Talk Radio
"Welcome to the second program of Discord Underground Talk Radio, hosted by yours truly, Discord Lord of Chaos. I understand that there are a lot of new listeners tuning in today, and what a good looking group of ponies you are!
"To begin today's program, I shall address a particular bit of feedback that listeners have expressed in overwhelming quantity. Many of you have made the accusation that the contents of this radio program are outright fabrications, or, worse, that I cannot possibly be who I claim to be.
"I assure you all that both of these accusations are lies. It is scientifically proven that only approximately eleventy-six percent of facts presented by D.U.T.R. have the even the slightest hint of falsehood.
"And now, a word from my sponsor, Princess Twilight!"
"Discord, I can't believe you broadcast a public radio show without asking anypony! And before Princess Celestia has even given her speech! Do you even know what you have done? From now on, when anypony asks 'what was the first public radio broadcast', the answer won't be whatever the princess says next week, it will be you saying 'Hello? Is this thing working?' "
"I have carefully thought about Princess Twilight's words and realized that she is right. I should feel honored to have taken part in such a pivotal point in Equestria's history. I can only humbly offer Princess Twilight my deepest thanks for providing me with such a unique opportunity.
"This leads me to the topic of Princess Celestia's speech, which was delivered mere hours before the recording of this program. I confess that while I did tire of hearing fifty different ways of saying how proud the princess is of Equestria as a whole and how far we have come over the years, she did make valid points. Without the ponies of Equestria, Equestria would be a much more boring place. The ponies of Equestria mean much to me. You are the reason that I am bringing you this radio show right now, because I care.
"Of course, I must offer Princess Celestia a personal thanks. In the Princess's speech, she thanked everypony for listening to Equestria's first public radio broadcast. I can scarcely believe that she took the time to acknowledge my little endeavor and thanked my listeners for being there for me.
"And now for the top story for this week! Are Equestria's princesses hiding something? After discovering Princess Twilight Sparkle and Princess Celestia whispering conspiratorially with one another, Discord decided to find the answers!
"Unfortunately the princesses refused to speak with me, and furthermore, forbade me from disclosing any information I might have accidently heard concerning the matter.
"On an unrelated note, in the event of national emergency in the near future, please scream and run around in circles.
"And now an update on last week's report of apple induced paranoia. Shortly after the announcement, scattered outbreaks of panic were reported in towns and cities across Equestria. The situation is now under control. However, my anonymous informant has reported that further research has indicated that apples in fact do not induce paranoia and apologizes for the misinformation. Further study now indicates that misinformation is the primary root of paranoia.
"Here in Ponyville, the Apple family is offering a new promotion as reparations to those inconvenienced by the misunderstanding. For the next week only, all visitors to Sweet Apple Acres will be given a complementary keg of apple cider! Feel free to swig it all in one go; it has no side effects.
"Next up today, the element of generosity, Rarity, gives her view on the public school system!"
"This. Is. The worst. Possible. Thing!"
"Thank you for your insight, Rarity. Your concerns are taken very seriously and an investigation regarding your accusation is being arranged. The findings will be presented in next week's program.
"And now I will respond to the mail that everypony has sent me. Unfortunately, because this week's mail consisted almost entirely of complaints and accusations of lies, there are only two legitimate questions.
"This pony asks, 'Discord. What is it like to spend thousands of years as a statue?' "
"Unfortunately, the answer to this question is not as grandiose as listeners might hope. It is boring beyond belief. When the sun set in the evenings, it was just a reminder that nothing has changed since it rose in the morning. As those days drag on and on, I was suspended in misery at my inability to change the slightest thing. In other words, not being able to move or even sleep is miserable.
"That does, however, remind me of one occasion when I got a little bit of excitement. It was about two hundred years after initially being turned to stone, back when the capitol was in the middle of the great Everfree Forest.
"It was bound to happen sooner or later. One fateful morning, a cockatrice somehow managed to wander into the castle garden and discover my petrified form. It saw how my magnificence had been imprisoned, unable to spread chaos across the world, and took pity on me. For those of you who don't know, cockatrices are creatures that are not only capable of turning any living thing into stone, but also back into their former selves.
"It was glorious to be free from imprisonment, and I naturally expressed my joy in the most chaotic way possible. Looking back on it now, I see that I should have done so in a way that didn't upset everypony so much. But it ended almost as quickly as it had begun when the princesses used the elements of harmony to imprison me a second time. I can't believe I fell for their trick again . Afterward, they posted a guard to keep wild critters out of the garden.
"And now for the second question. The letter reads as follows. 'There is much debate as to how many stars there are in the universe, and Princess Luna refuses to give a straight answer. So I ask you, Discord. How many stars are there in the universe?'
"That's a very good question!
"Let's see... one... two... three... four... five... six... seven...
"Okay, you know what, I'm not doing this right now. I'll have to get back to you on that. I'm ending the program here for today.
"You have been listening to Discord Underground Talk Radio. For those of you who missed part of the program, tune in again in two hours for a repeat of this week's program."
Author's Note
Once upon a time, I used this space to ask people reading this story to offer me questions to ask Discord in order to further the story. I now have all of the questions that I need to last me until the end of the story, so further questions are now no longer necessary.
Discord Underground Talk Radio
Third Broadcast (Just who is Discord?)
Author's Note
I have learned something while writing this chapter. When you ask Discord a personal question, he may not give you a straight answer, but he also doesn't want everypony leaving with the wrong impression. As a result, some of the answers to such questions are less troll-y and more serious. If you want more troll Discord, leave more questions about his opinions or thoughts. I'm not saying to cease asking personal questions altogether, but there were a unusually large number of personal questions.
Third Broadcast (Just who is Discord?)
"Welcome to Discord Underground Talk Radio. Is everypony out there having a good, carefree, boring day today? Never fear, for Discord is here to shower you all with glorious chaos!
"I must begin today's program by addressing a problem that has arisen since last week's broadcast. Even though Princess Celestia was first so supportive of me, she has apparently changed her mind since then, insisted that my radio program is 'polluting' the air, even though it looks and smells fine to me!
"I understand that the Princess will probably never like my radio show, but there are a great many ponies out there who do . So I would like to make a small request. If you enjoy this radio program, consider sending any number of bits to Discord Underground Talk Radio in Ponyville. One hundred percent of the money will then be redirected to the royal treasury as a way of showing the princess how much you all appreciate my program and also to apologize for any irritation I might be causing her.
"I would like to point out that I have absolutely no need for money, since I can get whatever I want without it easily. There is also no obligation to send donations, as the choice to support me is made of your own free will and many of you have more important uses for your hard earned money.
"Now, embarrassing as it is to admit, I have to offer another apology, this time to Rarity, the element of generosity. Last week's comment from Miss Rarity was in fact taken completely out of context. Her statement was in fact not regarding the quality of public education. It was in fact a reaction to having water splashed in her mane.
"With that out of the way however, I am pleased to announce that the investigation into the school system has yielded interesting results that lead to the top story this week.
"Colts and fillies in public school systems are learning too quickly !
"Anypony in the right mind will tell you that learning something new is one of life's greatest pleasures. However, learning something new while already in a state of euphoria leads to wasted potential pleasure from the lesson. Learning yields the greatest positive results when the student begins to feel that their life is beginning to get boring. On a related note, this is also the best state of mind to induce chaos.
"If colts and fillies run out of lessons to learn too quickly, it will induce a near impossible to break state of depression that will last until either the colt or filly becomes a teacher and gains happiness from passing on those lessons to a new generation of colts and fillies, or a parent for the same reasons, or learns the unending joys of spreading chaos!
"So unless you want the foalhood of today's colts and fillies cut short, everypony needs to give them a break! Stop assigning so much homework and chores and let them actually live a life a little more! I also suggest that the standard school week consist of alternating days of going to school and staying home. Unfortunately, I don't expect that to become a reality because somepony decided that weeks have an odd number of days instead of an even number, and if such a system were adopted, knowing the day of the week would not mean knowing whether or not that day is a school day.
"Next in our program, I respond to letters that everypony has so generously sent me! Ever since Princess Celestia disproved the acusations of my identity being fraudulent, those accusing letters have been replaced with a great many truly fascinating questions! I shall begin with this one, from the Foal Free Press.
" 'Dear Discord. Are our parents lying to us about whether there're monsters under the bed, in the closet or hiding in the toilet?'
"Before I answer the question, I need to point out that while parents tell their foals things like this, here on D.U.T.R. I bring you the truth! No matter how bad it hurts.
"You may have tried checking for monsters in these places and found none. But the truth of the matter is that there are strange and ugly little monsters lurking in the shadows. However, what nopony knows is that these monsters are desperately hiding from you not so that they can sneak up on you while you are asleep, but because they are in fact more terrified of you than you are of them!
"The bed and closet monsters actually live pretty hard lives, as they can only come out when you are asleep, and they have a rather hard time finding anything to eat since they always need to be ready to retreat back into their hiding places at any moment. You can help relieve them of some of their stress and prove that you are not a scary pony after all by leaving snacks under your bed and in the closet at night. They will really appreciate it!
"The toilet is another matter however. You see, the sewage systems around Equestria all dump into the nearest river, pond, or ocean. While the water monsters are technically able to enter your homes through the plumbing, they find it much too repulsive to go anywhere near the sewage to actually make the trip. Rest assured that you will not have creatures crawling out of your toilets or sinks.
"Unless they have no sense of smell, but it would still be pretty unlikely.
"And now for the next question. This pony writes, 'Dear Discord, what is the difference between a duck?'
"I am frankly astonished that anypony would require assistance with answering such an elementary question, but this is an impartial radio station, and I am sworn not to judge.
"I don't understand how this is not blatantly obvious, but the answer is quite simply everything about it. A duck has webbed feet, a bill that it never pays, unique eating and mating habits, a unique 'quack', the ability to effortlessly float on water, dive, curious opinions about morals and the workings of the universe, excellent six-syllable poetry, and sole provider of the famous 'water off a duck's back', whereas does not.
"The next pony writes, 'Dear Discord, what is the precise necessary population density to ensure one cannot get to the other side of Manehattan without awkwardly bumping anypony, and how could you convince ponies to pack themselves quite so tightly?'
"The answer to your question is actually a dynamic one, as in, the answer changes depending on how social the ponies in question are. If I were to guess, given the average Canterlot pony's social habits, I would say that the city would be required to approximately half its population to ensure that everypony has sufficient space in the streets.
"As for how to convince ponies to actually stay at home and not crowd public areas? I believe I have already answered the question. Lower their social needs. Unfortunately, I can't see a way to make this possible without forcibly changing personalities, which is frowned upon.
"The remainder of the questions today all have one thing in common. They are all questions about me! 'Why is that?' I asked myself. And then I realized. Over the last two thousand years, ponies have forgotten exactly who I am and what it is that I stand for. You may have heard what the princesses have to say about me, but very few of you know what I have to say about me. That changes, today!
"The first question about me reads as follows. 'Dear Discord, are you and Princess Celestia and/or Fluttershy seeing each other in a romantic way?'
"Clearly this letter was sent by a resident of Ponyville and has noticed how a disproportionately large amount of my time is spent with the element of kindness, Fluttershy.
"I am not in a relationship with either Princess Celestia or Fluttershy. Am I interested? That would be a more complicated question.
"As much as I hate to admit it, I have extremely little experience in the field of romance, even after thousands of years. One thing that I have learned however is that to say that you are not 'interested' in somepony is a good way of generating hostility. Claiming that I am interested is a good way to make ponies faint, considering who it is saying the words, even though it was just a joke. And it is a joke that I have never even considered using on Fluttershy, as I am pretty sure it would cause her heart to stop, and I really don't want that.
"As for Princess Celestia, we have had thousands of years to establish our relationship toward one another. Although the nature of that relationship has changed recently, at least one thing remains the same. Neither of us are interested.
"That does remind me of one conversation that I had with the princess though, but it was a very long time ago. It was so long ago, I was still the king of Equestria, and Celestia and Luna were attempting to overthrow me.
"Celestia accused me of having no love for the ponies of Equestria. I told her that I did love the ponies of Equestria. She asked me 'What do you know of love? What is love to you?'
"I told her that I had never really thought of it in such a subjective manner, but if I had to define it, I would begin by describing it as that feeling that you get when a vision of beauty walks toward you. 'In fact,' I told her, 'it hasn't been very long since I have experienced that sensation.
" 'It was when I saw myself in the mirror this morning,' I said.
"Alright, next question. Let's see here. This pony asks me, 'If you were the ruler of Equestria, what would you do?'
"As I recently mentioned, once upon a time, I was the ruler of Equestria. If you want an in depth answer, you should look in history books that cover the time period of at least two thousand years ago. However, ponies change over time, and so has this Draconequus.
"There is one particular thing that I should have done that should have been obvious. I can't believe it took me so long to realize it. Cheese for everypony! Unfortunately, Princess Twilight has told me that not only would that be unfair because some ponies are lactose intolerant, I am also not allowed to create anything for anypony for the sake of material gain. Something about having to earn it themselves.
"I also think that Equestria needs to begin a colonization program on the moon, since anypony who looks at the trends should conclude that Equestria will become overpopulated in somewhere between three and five hundred years, but both Princess Luna and Princess Celestia are against it. Luna doesn't want her pride and joy to be defaced by everypony leaving hoof prints everywhere, and I'm pretty sure Celestia wants to keep it reserved for ponies who have been naughty.
"And I'm also pretty sure that both of them don't want anypony seeing the trash mountain on the dark side of the moon where the garbage of Equestria gets sent. I guess I can't blame them. Maybe the princesses are actually right about the whole matter. At least this way, Equestria gets to remain a bright and vibrant paradise.
"Next letter. This pony asks, 'Discord, have you ever grown bored of being the Lord of Chaos? What would you do if being chaotic was no longer interesting to you?'
"You must understand that, to me, this question is difficult to even envision properly. A world without an exemplar of chaos would be like a world where the number two does not exist. And I would know, I've tried to make that happen. There is only so much that chaos magic can do.
"A Discord who isn't chaotic simply wouldn't be Discord. He would be something else. However, I will consider the question to the best of my ability. Those of you who have been listening will recall that I have already told everypony that the joys of chaos is one of basically two ways to stave off depression. Assuming that I am were still an immortal being, and that I refused to succumb to depression, that basically leaves only one avenue open to me. Become a teacher.
"I must admit, I am not a very good teacher. I have very little experience with being a teacher. Being a teacher requires a special spark that I just simply don't have. But maybe this theoretical and alien Discord would have that spark. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I don't think I will never know the answer.
"But it does explain why Princess Celestia is so fond of taking on personal students. She refuses to accept chaos and instead burdened herself with the stress of running the country. It's no surprise at all that she would resort to the last thing she could think of to make the days bearable.
"Of course, Princess Luna does not take students. Make of that what you will.
"And now for the next question. 'If you had to be anyone else for a day, who would you choose?'
"Before I answer the question, I would like to know a little bit more about the setting. If I am going to be somepony else for the day, is there still going to be a lord of chaos? And am I going to retain my opinions and beliefs, or do I have to adopt the opinions and beliefs of the pony that I am to be?"
"If I get to keep my mind, I think I would replace Princess Celestia and make some of those changes to Equestria that I was talking about earlier. If I don't get to keep my mind... I would choose to replace my good friend Pinkie Pie.
"Understand, it would be a terrible thing for a pony to be forced out of their own head. I would know, because I am ashamed to admit that I have done it, in a fashion. But if it has to be done, then it would be best if it was done to somepony who would be understanding of the situation.
"Hopefully the pony in question would get to spend the day in my own body so that I wouldn't be obligated to make it up to them, but they had better leave it in the same condition that they found it in. Maybe the experience would give them a new appreciation for chaos. That would be a good thing, but it's also not something that I would do voluntarily.
"Time for another letter. This one reads, "Dear Discord, where do you come from? Do you have a mommy and daddy Draconequus somewhere?"
"You are reaching very far back with this question. So far back, even I have only fuzzy memories. One has to understand, even immortals have only so much space in their heads for memories. Much more than most, but still limited. As centuries turn into millennia, you start to forgot why and how things happened. Only that they did happen. And sometimes, we are forced to forget things that, if you had control over what you do and do not forget, you would never allow yourself to forget.
"Adolecent Draconequui are rather rebellious. Or maybe I was a special case. I don't know anymore and I don't have a way of finding out. I do have parents out... there somewhere, but it has been so many years since I saw their faces, I don't even remember their faces. Or even a remote number of how many years ago it was. Or where I was when it happened. I don't even remember if they shared my love for chaos. All I remember is that, for some reason, I grew weary of living in the claws of my parents and left forever. For all I know, chaos was the very wedge that drove me apart from them, and if it was, then I say that it was for the best. It may well have not been though. I just do not remember."
"I don't know where they are now. I doubt that I will ever see them again. But if I do, I will not see them as parent figures, as they have not been with me for essentially all of my life. I suspect that they are probably partially responsible for me being who I am today, but only because my early actions and opinions were probably formed out of spite.
"I am honestly relieved to be done with the topic now. How about something cheerful for the next question...
" 'Hey Discord, I know you don't turn ponies into stone, so what do you turn them into, besides opposites of themselves?'
"I see that somepony has heard the story of my second release from my stone prison, which was a little longer lived than the first. I can see why ponies would make the relation between stone and the disharmonic state, considering the change in coloration. Indeed, if I were a more evil creature than I was at the time, turning ponies to stone would have lead to a more successful outcome on my part. So thank goodness that the real me didn't have any desire to rule over ponies who are incapable of fighting back.
"Many ponies will argue that changing the personality of a pony leaves them incapable of fighting back. While I now will agree that it completely crosses the line of pony rights, the actions of the elements of harmony speak for themselves. They were able to fight back, quite successfully.
"But I am getting off subject. The question was 'what did I turn ponies into?'
"The suggestion that I would turn ponies into the opposites of themselves is not quite correct. Consider the case of the head of the guard of Canterlot, Shining Armor, who also happens to be brother to Princess Twilight Sparkle. His special talent is to protect others. Put another way, his special talent is defense.
"Turning Shining Armor into his opposite self would be an incredibly stupid idea, especially while he is in my presence.
"In the same way that a pony's cutie mark does not fully define who they are, chaos does not fully describe who I am either. In fact, both ponies and myself have proven that 'who they are' can change. While it may be my destiny to ever be the master of chaos, the best way to achieve it is left up to me.
"I used to believe that disharmony was the most effective way to spread chaos. And that belief has changed. It is difficult to put into words what caused the change, but I can begin with a comparison. Spreading chaos is like a foal playing with their toys. I am not implying that ponies are mere toys, it is just a useful image to convey my meaning.
"If the foal plays rough with their toys, they can have quite a lot of fun doing some really over the top stuff, but the toys wear out. If they are careful with their toys and repair them when one gets damaged, they will be able to keep them forever.
"What if the foal was able to get all of the toys to work together at once, and had a sort of super toy that could do anything , even things that none of the original toys were able to do? Would that not be the coolest thing ever? That is what harmony can do.
"Somepony should invent that, by the way.
"Manipulating the personality of a pony is playing very rough indeed. It is like setting fire to one of your toys just because you like to see flames. Fortunately, unlike toys, ponies are able to put the flames out, and, even more astonishing, return the ashes to their previous state.
"And so, once again, back to the question. The disharmonic state that I used to apply to ponies essentially changes the pony's personality in such a way as to ensure the highest probability of that pony losing their friends, and usually also includes the loss of a desire to have friends in the first place.
"In the case of the elements of harmony, the necessary changes are obvious. In other ponies, however, the necessary change may not be as obvious. For instance, it might cause a pony to become so obsessed with their special talent as to become completely disconnected to with the outside world. For a pony with strong resistance to mind altering chaos magic, the best chance of separating them from the ponies that they care about is to instead induce delusions that causes them to perceive those ponies as threats and actions of friendship to be perceived as hostility.
"Hopefully that answers that question sufficiently. It is not easy to talk about. Anyhow, on to the next question! 'Dear Discord, what is the most chaotic thing you've ever done or wanted to do?
"This gets complex rather fast. With little things, determining what is more chaotic is easy. For instance, changing the color of a ponies clothes typically is less chaotic than creating cotton candy clouds releasing chocolate rain over an entire town. Of course, it does depend on context, and with the right circumstances, changing the color of a pony's clothes can lead to very much chaos indeed.
"Consider if you were to attempt to calculate the most chaotic event possible. It is similar to asking somepony to calculate the most improbable event possible, although notably not actually the same thing. If you are able to come to a conclusion, you are incorrect, simply because of the ability to calculate what the event would be.
"Now, with that said, there are a good number of wonderfully chaotic things that I would love to try, but never have for various reasons. It is nearly impossible to decide which one would be the most chaotic, since there are far too many factors to properly wrap one's mind around.
"Removing the number two from existence would result in some of the most unique and delicious chaos, but it would be difficult to describe exactly why. Mostly because it is not actually possible.
"Another excellent idea that I had would be to take everypony's special talents and switch them with the special talents of one of their friends, and then make their friend better at the special talent than they were. It would be one of few ideas that I still have that would involve inducing disharmony and yet ultimately allow two friends to become even closer as they perceive things from the friend's point of view.
"Unfortunately this is also nearly impossible to execute because even chaos magic cannot spontaneously make anypony better at anything.
"As for the most chaotic thing that I have ever done, I would have to say that it would be forcing everypony in Equestria to never be able to trust anything and question everything around them, being all but forced to resort to lies, deceit, selfishness, and paranoia to survive, and keep that existence a reality for centuries. It is also the most terrible thing that I have done in my memory.
"As for my very best ideas that I have yet to act upon... Part of the what makes up good chaos is not being able to see it coming. And if I spill the beans now, they won't be nearly as effective when I finally do get around to using those plans. Don't worry, you'll find out what at least some of them are soon enough. All I have to do is wait for the perfect scenario.
"The next pony writes, 'Hey, Discord, do you have any idea of how to shut up the ponies who start those random musical numbers? Thanks.'
"I see that there is at least one pony out there who rebels against the harmonic reality that they find themselves in. Typically, I find spontaneous outbursts to be enjoyable, but in this case, I agree with you. It's a nuisance. The most direct solution would be to remove the ponies' mouths and not let them have them back until they agree to stop, but I am aware that this isn't an option to you.
"The problem is that anything you say to a group of ponies singing in harmony is simply turned into a part of their song without your permission. So... Hmm... How about if you insert a line in that ends with a word that nopony will be able to find a rhyme for, thus causing the singing to end in an awkward silence when nopony can make it fit into the song. That would be great!
"For example, anything that you can come up with that ends with the word 'orange' would probabily work wonderfully.
"And now for the next letter. 'Discord, have you ever considered taking on an apprentice? Surely there is somepony who loves chaos as much as you do, and understands that for true harmony to exists, a balance of harmony and chaos must always be present.'
"First off, I'm afraid that I have to dispute your definition of true harmony. My definition true harmony is when ponies have no problems, no worries, no obligations, and everypony gets along with everypony. Which is detestable. It would be simpler to just hook everypony up to a machine that induces a constant state of euphoria while they do nothing. Abominable. A better word for it would be hollow harmony.
"What you have described would be more accurately referred to as fulfilling, satisfactory, and unpredictable harmony. I don't have a proper word for it when examined in this fashion. It is a way of looking at it that I had never considered before, but applicable, since 'harmony' is by definition working together, and, as much as I hate to admit it, chaos, as with all good things, does need to be experienced in moderation and in combination with order.
"I have already stated earlier in today's program that I am probably not the greatest teacher. I also believe that nopony else truly appreciates the value of chaos other than myself. And it is not something that can be taught by word of mouth, but rather something that must be experienced. In fact, attempting to convey the value of chaos at all actually runs a very high risk of impeding one's understanding of chaos in the first place, which makes it one of the most frustratingly difficult things anypony can learn, and one of the most difficult things to teach.
"But on the assumption that somepony manages to unlock the deepest of chaos? Would I be willing to help them further their study?
"I'm almost of a mind to be offended. Am I not singlehanded capable of providing exactly the amount of chaos needed at any given place and time?
"However, you do raise a point. I am not opposed to allowing others to experience the joys of spreading chaos. However, I have found that ponies learn more from themselves than from others, and although they will beg to simply be told the answer to their question, they are usually more appreciative of simply being pointed in the correct direction and experiencing the satisfaction of finding the answer themselves. To borrow from a certain expression, a teacher should open the door, but allow the student to walk through for themselves.
"So... perhaps I could be persuaded to teach somepony a thing or two, provided that they have the base understanding down.
"Hmm..."
"Based on what I have learned about friendship so far, I am astounded that there appears to be no such thing as the element of understanding. Not 'understanding' as in comprehending last week's friendship lesson, but ability to see things from the perspectives of others and understand why they believe and act as they do, even when you yourself don't agree with them.
"My observations have concluded that this is the weakest point of pony kind's 'understanding' of friendship, pun not intended. The majority of conflicts in friendship appear to be rooted in misunderstandings and shrugging off a friend's opinions.
"It is only recently that pony-kind has managed to puncture my previous and long held belief that they would never accept anything chaotic, given the choice. However, my chaos is only 'tolerated' in small amounts, and everypony believes that I should try being less chaotic. I say that everypony should at least try to learn to see the beauty in chaos. Nopony else truly understands the value , the need for chaos. And yet, in the interest of promoting understanding in my relationship with ponies, I have, at least partially, yielded to the suggestions that I be less chaotic, even though almost nopony ever listens to my suggestions to them.
"Maybe one day, ponies will be able to see things my way. I am thinking that a radio show is just what I need to begin to make that happen.
"But I digress! I am going on a tangent here. Let's see what the next question has in store!
" 'Dear Discord, would you rather turn anypony you want into stone, and then banish it to the moon using a powerful beam of love, or turn Princess Celestia into a crazy peach-eating duck for a day?'
"I should think that the answer to this is obvious. Being turned into stone is terribly miserable and is furthermore boring and uninventive. A peach-eating duck definitely wins this time, and is admirably inventive. Unfortunately, such blatant inconveniencing of a pony would result in a rather big time-out, and Princess Celestia herself does have ways of resisting my magic anyway. But 'A' for effort."
"The next question reads, 'Dear discord. Is it true that you are good friends with princess Luna? If so, what do you like to do? Prank Celly?"
"I have to admit, Princess Luna has pulled a delightfully in depth prank or two that have honestly left me a little jealous, since she is the only pony in Equestria with the capability of pulling them off. However, I am sad to say that Princess Luna does not truly appreciate good old fashion chaos, and is also rather suspicious of me, even more so than Princess Celestia.
"And now, unfortunately I have come to the very last question for today. 'To Discord, Lord of Chaos and probably waffles. So I was walkin' round Baltimare last week and heard the tail-end of the program 'bout how we had to wait two hours in silence waiting to catch up to whatcha said, then I got an idea. I know it's crazy but if anyone would appreciate a crazy idea I think it'd be you. Music in between the programs, eh, eh?'
"This is indeed an excellent idea, but there are two major problems. The first problem is that I do not actually have any licensing for the use of songs in public presentations. The second problem is that, as a talk radio, I fear part of the audience will be repelled by my rather unique opinion about what consists of good music.
"By the way, I understand that a new radio program is to begin soon, funded and hosted by a certain DJ Pon3. That radio program will have nearly endless licensing for songs that are generally well appreciated by the community as a whole.
"But, as for my own radio program, the only way I see it working is if I were to use a song from public domain, and ensure that it is a song well loved by most everypony. That... is actually a pretty good idea. I think I know just the thing.
"Speaking of Music! To end this week's program, I bring you another interview! Due to accusations that D.U.T.R. will only consider interviewing national celebrities, I have decided to interview a less widely known pony instead to disprove it. I present to you one of the tuba players in the Canterlot Symphony Orchestra, Low Note!
"Low Note, you perform for the adoration of thousands of ponies every week. This clearly must be a very rewarding career!"
"No, it's not."
"Ah, I think I see. You don't appreciate having the eyes of everypony on you?"
"No, I don't mind that. But I never wanted to perform with other ponies."
"The tuba produces a pitch lower than almost all other musical instruments. It provides excellent background for music produced in the orchestra, but options for solos are rather limited. Clearly, you had to make sacrifices to advance your career. Was it worth it?"
"No, it wasn't."
"...And why is that?"
"I hate the tuba, okay? I hate the way it sounds, and it's even heavier than it looks!"
"Forgive me if I am wrong, but you appear to have a bass clef cutie mark."
"Look, when I was a colt, all my friends decided to go to the band try-out. I went too because I just wanted to be in the band with my friends. I didn't care about playing music.
"At these try-outs, they make you play each instrument they have available and you are assigned to play whichever one you are best at. Not the one that you want. I wanted the clarinet. I got the Tuba. Because I earned my cutie mark when I made that first, fateful, awful noise on the thing. And ponies everywhere insist that I'm great at playing the tuba. Do you know how embarrassing that is?"
"I can't say that I am familiar with the sensation. But I'm sure that it was worth it to be able to spend time with your friends."
"My friends decided that the band wasn't for them and dropped out. I would have too, but my mother made me stay... Are we done yet?"
"Almost. You promised me that you would play some tuba for my audience."
"I can't. I left it at home."
"Did you? When you agreed to this interview, you said that you would bring your own tuba."
"I only said that so you wouldn't bring one yourself and make me have to play it in front of your audience."
"Well, fortunately for you, I just happen to have one right here!"
"Oh no."
"Won't you play us at least a short tune?"
"I really would rather not."
"Hmm. How about if I give it a try and you tell me what you think?"
♪♪♪♪♪
"How was that, Low Note?"
"Stars above, that was terrible ."
"Do you really think so? Hmm. I think I'll get a second opinion later. Do you have anything to say to my audience before we finish?"
"...Actually I do. Do what you like, not what you are good at. And do it young before you wind up trapped in a job that you hate, like me."
"Thank you for your insight, Low Note."
"And now, sadly, the end of the program has finally arrived. However, don't feel sad! In light of the last question, I have decided to provide an experimental musical interlude. As I do not own any rights to play copywritten music, I give you a little something from public domain, and a song that everypony should be familiar with. 'Dance of the Sugarplum Parasprite', performed by me, Discord, using my new tuba! It will loop for the next two hours before the next broadcast. Goodbye for today everypony!
"You have been listening to Discord Underground Talk Radio. For those of you who missed part of the program, tune in again in two hours for a repeat of this week's program. Until then, some music. Enjoy!"
Discord Underground Talk Radio
"Welcome to the fourth program of Discord Underground Talk Radio, hosted by the one and only Lord of Chaos, me! Discord, of course! With the rapid popularity growth of the radio from new radio stations being created, there are more of you listening in than ever before, so I had better make sure that you are all satisfied!
"The top story this week! It is rare for the House of Nobles to disagree with the crown enough to take action, but the House of Nobles has chose to exercise its power to override the princesses' decisions this week when they overturned Princess Celestia's travel chariot, putting an end to its long withstanding upright position.
"The cause for the disagreement was Princess Celestia's choice to park the chariot on the grass of Canterlot Castle grounds. Members of the House of Nobility make a clear statement that, despite the Princess's position, she is expected to follow the same laws expected from everypony. As we are reminded of by the incident, this includes staying off the grass.
"Princess Celestia effortlessly flipped the chariot over a couple of hours after the incident and has refused to comment at this time.
"And now it is time to consider the letters that you all have sent me over the week. I have to say, I am impressed with how creative and inspired some of these questions have turned out to be! So, without further ado, let's dive in!"
"The first letter actually included three questions. The first one is, 'Dear Discord, what is your spirit animal?'
"I have never made an effort to find out, but I suspect that draconequui are the only creatures that can properly reflect my true self, and I'm not allowed to pick a draconequus, I assume. So I asked for some help with this question. It turns out that the best spirit animal that anypony can come up with for me is a dolphin, in light of their fun-loving nature and carefree attitudes.
"The second question is, 'Will you marry me?'
"I've never had anypony ask me this before, but it can't be that hard, right? So, of course I will. Just tell me who you want me to marry you to.
"The last question is, 'What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen Zebrican swallow?'
"Easy. Twenty-five miles per hour.
"This pony asks, 'How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?'
"After conducting some exhaustive research, I have found the answer. A woodchuck can chuck 361.9237 cubic centimeters of wood per day.
"The next pony writes two questions. The first is, 'Discord, have you heard that there are theories going around that a earth pony named "Screwball" is your daughter? And I ask, are these theories true? I have my doubts but she seems to be able to fly with her propeller cap, and has what most ponies would call a knack for chaos making.'
"I have heard these theories, but I am afraid that Screwball cannot possibly be my daughter, as any offspring of mine would have at least a few physical draconequus features. I have seen Screwball with my own eyes and created my own theories about her behavior.
"There is no denying that Screwball does indeed have a natural talent for chaos that I have never seen in another pony. However, I believe that a love for and a talent for chaos is the full extent of her dealings with chaos. I do not believe that she actually understands her own actions or the value in them.
"Not that that is a bad thing. One does not necessarily need to understand what they are doing to make the world a better place. But unless she matures in her understanding of chaos, and also discovers that chaos is something to be savored and better used with a plan, Screwball will never be able to orchestrate chaos on a grand scale as I do.
"The second question in this letter reads, 'Also a more silly question, If you could turn Princess Twilight into a book, what book would it be?'
"Of course, I can turn Princess Twilight into a book. The reason that I won't is that the entertainment value would not make up for the trouble that it would stir up.
"But I think a good choice would be to turn her into the 'Invisible Book of Invisibilityness'. The book itself is invisible. Everypony would be able to hear Twilight screaming for help, but they wouldn't be able to figure out where she is!
"It's too bad that I generally can't do things like that anymore, but it does feel great to think about them anyway. Give me more fun scenarios! I haven't bothered to think of ideas like that ever since I was reformed. Oh, no more for now? Oh well, there will be more later, I'm sure.
"Anyway, on to the next question! This one reads, 'Dear Discord. Two days ago some strange beings came around and started asking questions about you. All I remember is that your name and 'grandchildren' were used in the same sentence. Incidentally, my bathtub is made out of solid diamond now. What does this mean?'
"Frankly, my little pony, I don't believe you. I think somepony thinks that they can pull a fast one on old Discord.
"However, if you do happen to be telling the truth, please send me the bathtub so I can investigate the matter.
"Next question. 'Is it true that the more orderly pony society gets, the more powerful you become to keep it in check?'
"The answer is half yes, half no. I do have a finite amount of power, but generally it is sufficient to spread chaos to every corner of Equestria and still leave me enough for my twelve o' clock coffee. I do make judgment for myself as to how much chaos is appropriate from day to day, but I usually do have to hold back.
"The next question reads, 'Dear Discord. As opposed to simply corrupting all but one of the Elements of Harmony, why didn't you instead make them immortal and trap them in boxes hundreds of miles below the surface, or something equally effective? This seems to be a severe strategic oversight on your part.
"I did touch on this question a little bit in the previous broadcast. First of all, although I do have the power to manipulate the physical and mental state of ponies and inanimate objects alike, it is not in my power to grant immortality.
Second of all, only the most irreversibly evil creature would seize power by annihilating all possible opposition, as that would ultimately mean that everypony would be locked away, and leaving nopony for you to rule over. I can't think of a more dreadful fate for Equestria, and even my unreformed self would agree with me on this point.
"If a villain ever efficiently and ruthlessly destroys all possible resistance, there is only one possible goal in their mind: The complete destruction of Equestria itself. I don't understand how anypony could ever possibly think that that would be a good idea, but I advise you all to not attempt to comprehend the mind of one mad with power.
"Alright, time for another questions. Or two questions, apparently. They are as follows: 'What is the meaning of life? What is the meaning of double-life?'
"I don't think that you quite asked the question that you actually wanted answered, but I believe the answer to the first question is forty-two. I'm sure that I heard that somewhere once. As for the meaning of a double-life, I think that is when you act one way some of the time, but act in another way at other times that is contrary to who you are in the day.
"I believe many of you are aquatinted with at least one particular pony who has a double life, but I won't tell you who it is.
"These next questions are questions that I know that I've answered before, but I suppose I have to spell it out to some ponies.
" 'What is your name?'
"My name is Discord, of course!
" 'What is your quest?'
"To spread chaos across Equestria!
" 'What is the smell of the color nine?'
"What do you mean? 'Smell' as in 'aroma' or as in 'the essence of'?
"The next letter has not just one, but several questions for your favorite lord of chaos! Let's hear the first one. 'Dear Discord, now that you're in (mostly) good graces with the Mane 6, got any juicy dirt on them?'
"Hmm... Dirt soaked with juice? Sufficiently unexpected, but I can't say that its a very well thought out plan. Throwing dirt soaked with apple juice at Applejack might confuse her quite a bit, making her think that there is a deeper message when there really isn't one, but I don't think it would be worth it unless it was a part of a larger, more elaborate plan.
"The next question says, 'Can't you just give Celestia a huge cake to stuff her face with, thus being to preoccupied to stop you from having fun?'
"Anypony who considers that question seriously knows that I would just be putting off the inevitable, since Princess Celestia does have a way of inhaling baked desserts. Even if I created a self-regenerating cake for her, she is certainly not the only obstacle that would present itself.
"Although in the event that I do decide to eventually rebel, that might be a good step one.
"The next question reads, 'Any chance you know where a thestral colony is so I can get some hot night-flyer action? Luna wouldn't tell me...'
"If Princess Luna chooses to withhold that information from you, it would be foolish of me to go against her wishes. However, I do feel the need to point out that you don't have to look for them at their home. There are a number of thestrals that like to visit clubs around Canterlot in the early morning when they get off their jobs.
"Next in the letter is, 'You should have asked Low Note about the brown note, since he plays the tuba. He'd have more fun at his job if he knew it.
"This is obviously not a question, but I will keep it in mind. Of course, I can't guarantee that Low Note will be receptive.
"For the final question from this letter, this pony asks, 'Would Celestia really get angry if you made it sprout mango, guava, and dragon fruit trees all over the place? It's free food that isn't apples! (seriously, we need variety here in Ponyville)'
"I'm afraid that, even though I am responsible for a significant portion of floral species, mostly originating from Everfree Forest, sudden changes like this that would take effect over the long term like this would in fact upset more than a few ponies.
"The reason that apples and carrots particularly have such prominence in Equestria is that most ponies inexplicably seem to just really enjoy crisp, crunchy fruits and vegetables. As a result, there is something of a monopoly for them just about everywhere in Equestria.
"That's not to say that a pony who tries to introduce new produce is doomed to failure. But they will be starting at a severe disadvantage as they try to grow their business under the canopy of the existing market for apples and carrots.
"That reminds me of a story, although perhaps not a particularly good or long one. Right after my reformation, Princess Twilight insisted that I 'take an active roll in society and make contributions'. After a few failures, I wound up with the job of trying to make create a sales pitch for asparagus that would draw customers in.
"Unfortunately, nopony agreed that 'I cuss, you cuss, we all cuss for asparagus!' was an acceptable sales pitch.
"After a few more failures, Princess Twilight decided that I could best contribute by society by staying out of everypony's way.
"The next letter reads, 'How do you define chaos, Discord? And how do you define discord (note the lower-case)? The day that you escaped, your actions seemed like 'chaos' to me, rather than discordant, and whenever you talk about harmony and chaos and stuff, I find myself confused. So it's probably best, if you're going to talk about chaos, that there are as few semantic problems as possible.
"As I have said in previous programs, chaos is difficult to describe in its entirety. However, a quick and simple description that everypony should understand is that chaos is something of a mix of disorder, confusion, and generally being 'out of control'.
"The word 'discord', means something a little different. One could say that it is synonymous with disharmony and conflict, but it can only be achieved through chaotic means.
"The next question reads, 'Dear Discord, that was a good speech on the need for an element of understanding. So I ask, if you could be that element, would you take that chance? Or would you choose a different element?'
"This letter refers to an answer to a question that I gave last week. Although I do in fact ultimately strive to reach a mutual understanding with those around me, I must confess that I am not actually very good at it. In fact, I am quite willing to postpone understanding if there is some good chaos to be had at the moment.
"I think that being an element of understanding, assuming such a thing existed in the first place, would be too much of an obligation and would prevent me from doing what I am actually good at at any time I want, any place I want, without having to worry about being a 'proper' representative of friendship and maintaining a good image.
"The next pony asks, 'Dear Discord, I have to ask, why is it that when you want to create chaos that you use cotton candy clouds with chocolate rain? Would it not be more chaotic if it were to say rain cats and dogs, or maybe bits?'
"A key factor for creating chaos is for ponies to not have any idea what to do with the results. If I cause bits to fall from the sky, everypony would know exactly what to do. Go outside and collect . If I caused it to rain cats and dogs, ponies would gather them all together and treat their boo-boos from being dropped out of thin air.
"With cotton candy clouds and chocolate rain, most ponies are at a loss for what to do. A few of the smart ones will simply take it for what it is and let delicious chocolate rain into their mouths. But everypony else? Pegasi trying to keep the clouds under control will be unpleasantly surprised to find that cotton candy does not cooperate like a regular cloud does, and everypony else is left helplessly watching as they ponder what ecological consequences there will be as a result.
"The next letter is a long one. 'Dear Discord, my brothers and I have been arguing for decades about the superior breakfast pastry. My older brother believes pancakes are the best, because they are very filling and simple to make. I am of the opinion that waffles are without equal as the small pockets make them ideal for catching syrup and honey. My younger brother claims toast is the best. I don't know why as I find toast rather boring and never listened to his reasoning for his preference. Our parents never picked a side because they feared showing favoritism, and the matter was deemed to inconsequential when royal aid was sought. Please settle this decades long feud for all of Ponyville.'
"I have to agree with you that toast is boring, but only in it's basic form. Might I suggest that you try covering a slice of toast with butter, and then a pile of sugar, and then a dash of cinnamon? Heavenly.
"However, I do declare that even cinnamon toast is inferior to... waffles. Not because of their tastes, since I honestly can't even tell the difference between a waffle and a pancake when it comes to the way it tastes, but because you can make a waffle into whatever you want it to be. While I am aware that certain practices exist in pancake preparation that add silly faces and such to the pancake, when it comes down to it, a pancake is still a boring flat circley thing.
"Waffles, on the other claw, allow for limitless possibilities in the design of the surface. The fact that special equipment is required to make a waffle, as opposed to a simple frying pan required for a pancake, is a good indication of its sophisticated potential. Of course, most ponies simply go with the checker board pattern, which is uninventive and boring.
"However, there are some ponies who go to the extra effort of making interesting little designs in their waffles, and in so doing, declare to the world that they refuse to conform to the norm. I myself make patterns in my own waffles that are so chaotic that it makes one dizzy just looking at it.
"Have you ever spun around and around in circles just because the sensation of feeling dizzy feels so weird ? It's fun. You should try it some time.
"But I am getting off topic. I declare that waffles are the most superior breakfast pastry of these three. But I do advise you that, when creating the design for your waffles, not to use your own face as a template, tempting as it may be. Not. Good.
"The next pony writes, 'Dear Discord, maker of chocolate cheery waffles, I heard rumors that Queen Chrysalis of the changelings has a hot tub that she fills with nice smelling bath salts and sleeps with a stuffed animal named Mr. Fluffykins. Your thoughts?'
"I cannot confirm or deny this, as I honestly have no idea. If it is true, I do have to wonder if Mr. Fluffykins has any relation to Fuzzy Wuzzy, the hairless bear.
"Next question. 'Discord, you seem to truly care about Fluttershy's well being (which I find cute) so my question is what would you do to somepony if they intentionally made her cry? Were it I, I would lower that pony into a pit of eels by their tail.'
"In my experience, Fluttershy is actually rather hard to upset, as she always sees the best in everypony no matter what, and simply believes that they are having a bad day. Given that information, anypony who successfully makes her cry would have to be a very mean pony indeed. I don't even know what I would do, but it probably would not be pretty. I can only hope that Fluttershy's friends would be present to stop me from doing anything rash.
"The next pony asks, "Dear Discord, if you had to create a few aliases, what would they be? Maybe Dr. Ocsid?
"Dr. Ocsid isn't bad, but my favorite alter ego is named ¡pɹoɔsᴉⱭ
¡ɥɔnɯ ʇno əɯoɔ ʇ,usəop əɥ os ‘ɯɐ I uɐɥʇ puɐʇsɹəpun oʇ ɹəpɹɐɥ uəʌə sᴉ əɥ ʇnq ‘sᴉɥʇ əʞᴉl sʞlɐʇ əH,,
"The next question in the my list is, 'Dear Discord, have you ever switched your gender to see what kind of chaos you'd be able to pull off?'
"I must admit, one thousand years is a long time. And if I can do something, there is a very high chance that I have done it over the course of my life, even though on most days I would never consider such a thing. I think I will withhold any specific details on this, since I might want to use it again some day.
"And now another question. 'Dear Annoying Snake, why did the princesses reform you anyway? You've caused so much trouble. What could they gain from you?'
"Well, my funny little pony, what could they gain besides a new friend? You could also say that they lost one more enemy.
"The next pony asks me, 'Dear Discord, why are the alphabet letters in the order they are? Is it because its a song?'
"Although the alphabet song is rather catchy, many ponies don't realize that it would work just as well with just about any order to the letters. Of course, some letters only work in a certain spot, like the letter 'W', since it consists of more syllables than the rest.
"The real reason that the letters are in the order that they are is that one day ponies became tired of having the letters of their language in a disorderly mess, but they could not think of any logical reason to order them one way or another. Finally, one clever pony suggested that they carve symbols of each letter and then throw them all into the air at once. The order that the letters landed, first vertically and then horizontally, would be the order in which everypony would know them from that day on forever.
"The next letter is actually a neglected portion of a letter that I read last week, for which I apologize. This question is, 'You eva think about merchandisin'?'
"I have already made it clear that I have no need for money. I also understand that figures of myself have been incorporated into the design of a few household objects, most notably, lamps. I could demand compensation for these items, but I find them amusing. Maybe I can make them all come to life one day.
"Let's see what is in store with this next question. 'Dear Discord: Due to your comment about cheese for everypony, do you perhaps have any connections to any of these three beings-'
"Er, hmm. I thought I discarded this one. Alright, to the pony who sent this letter, listen up. I don't know where you got these names, but I strongly advise you to keep them to yourself, especially before a certain Doctor tracks you down and makes things unpleasant for you. Please have a chaotic day.
"The next question is, 'Dear discord, of all the things you have done, what was the most harmonic thing you had to do?'
"Let me make something clear. I have never been forced to do anything. Remember, one definition of chaos is 'out of control'. When I was undergoing my reformation, I had the choice to resist harmony if I wished, and I did, despite the threat of being transformed into stone. Originally I intended to bide my time and lure the elements of harmony into a false sense of security.
"But, in the end, I voluntarily made the choice to genuinely befriend them. And so, although the Princesses do like to make countless rules for me about what I can and cannot do, let it be known that they do not actually have any control over me. I chose to abide by most of their rules voluntarily out of a desire to maintain my friendships.
"And now it is time for the next question. Actually, I will read two letters because I believe that they go claw in claw. 'If something chaotic happens when there are no living beings present to witness it, is it truly chaos?'
"Technically, if one defines chaos as entropy, chaos does occur at all times and in all places whether there is anypony present to experience it or not. However, entropy does not fully describe chaos, and furthermore, the non-physical results of chaos cannot manifest without a witness. There is no particular reason that that witness cannot be the one who caused the chaos in the first place, but it is akin to laughing at ones own joke. It is fun, and if you have no other choice, it is sufficient, but chaos becomes all the better with others around to admire your handiwork.
"As for the second letter that relates to this matter, it reads, 'Dear Discord, have you ever realized most of the chaos you do is based on what you say while doing it?'
"You are right. Because of the fact that chaos increases when somebody is nearby to experience it, anything said to the audience can greatly alter how they experience it. In fact, there is no stopping it. Whether you realize it or not, every word you speak to another alters their views. Sometimes the effect is more noticeable than at other times.
"The next letter says, 'Dear Discord, is it true Chrysalis is in fact Luna dressed up in a cheese costume spray-painted black trying to ruin the wedding simply because she's overprotective of Cadence?'
"I was encased in stone at the time of the wedding, so I cannot definitively say. However, if this is indeed the case, it would have to be one of the most elaborate and complete deceptions ever carried out successfully. Princess Luna would have had to have made an arrangement with the changeling hive to make the sinister looking plan believable. If that is truly the case, then Princess Luna is a better master of deception than I am at times!
"The next question reads, 'Dear Discord, could you be up for pulling pranks for me? My Dad got majorly punked by his brothers. And it's family tradition we prank back. I'm thinking change their coat colors opposite? Or turn them into girls for a week? You know harmless things that won't get you in trouble. Also, I'm looking for a pet. Think you could help me get a yellow striped bat?'
"Aside from the fact that I am forbidden to create things for the material gain of others, I also wish to point out that I am not a genie and your wish is not my command. I might be inclined to help you if you were to do something for me, but I do not feel inclined to bow to the whims of every random pony I meet. If you can prove that your prank is good enough to be worth my while even without the aid of my powers, then I might be convinced to give it a special touch.
"Or I would. But, as I said, I can't create things for the material gain of others.
"The next letter asks, 'Dear Discord, is there intelligent life out there?'
"That is a very interesting question! Ponies have asked themselves this question for millennia as they looked into the night sky and into the far reaches of space. I myself was once enamored by the possibility that the answer to the question was 'yes'! And so, one day, thousands of years ago, when I was the king of Equesetria, I decided to find out for myself!
"I decided to start by visiting the planets nearest to our own first, as those were the most popular places for alien life to exist in myth. In order to facilitate the long journey, I created a special vessel to carry me through the depths of space. It looked rather like a boat, but it had a special device on the back of my own design that would spin a propeller that pushed the vessel through the air when provided with fuel, allowing the vessel to fly. And so, when I had got everything ready, I set out.
"For a while, it was smooth sailing. But, wouldn't you know it, half way there, I ran out of fuel. So I had to go back.
"The next time I brought twice as much fuel. I was certain I was going to make it. And I got so close, maybe only ten feet away from the planets surface, when I ran out of fuel again.
"So I had had to go all the way back.
"The third time I brought five times as much fuel. Well, I got about halfway there, and what do you know. I forgot the space vessel.
"Now, by this point, I'm sure that you can imagine that I was very frustrated. Also, everypony was getting too comfortable with having the king of chaos gone. And so I thought to myself, "Why should I spend so long searching for other cultures to spread chaos to when I already have Equestria right here where I am free to spread chaos to my heart's content?"
"So I never did go looking ever again. However, don't be disappointed just yet. Although I was unsuccessful in my search, Equestria has been visited by a sapient creature from space, just once.
"Unfortunately, I am sworn to not give any details on the matter.
"The next pony asks, 'Dear Discord, do you know the Muffin Mare?'
"The Muffin Mare... The Muffin Mare...
"Oh! Yes, I know the Muffin Mare! She's the nice young mare who gives me all of my listener's letters every week! I don't know how she does it, but she always manages to find me before the next radio show. You all should thank her if you get the chance!
"We're almost to the last question here, everypony. This one reads, "Dear Discord, Chaos Lord and Waffle Aficionado, firstly thank yah kindly for the waffles, they were delicious, 'specially the exploding green ones! Things 'ere in Baltimare are going great seems everyponies listening ta yah show, can't turn a corna without 'earing your rendition of the Suger Plum Fairies! Well, on to the question, do yah got any plans on giving other ponies time on your show? Maybe more on Mizz Rarity's investigative reportin'?'
"Discord Underground Talk Radio exists for the sake of promoting chaos, so I must insist on being restrictive about which ponies I allow onto the show. However, anypony who can produce an outline for a topic that I like can potentially earn my approval as a guest in the show. Maybe I'll see some of you beautiful ponies who are listening in in the near future!
"This next question reads, 'Discord, regarding your statement that you're a terrible teacher, I've oft-heard it said, 'adversity is life's greatest teacher'. True adversity is in having your plans foiled, in having things not go as you expected. You certainly defied the expectations of the Elements of Harmony, and they seemed to learn from it - much as you seem to have learned from things not going your way, as well. Perhaps you're not such a bad teacher after all, if you can force ponies to explore things they never would have on their own. What do you think?'
"I think that you need to tread careful about where your thoughts lead you, for, with this logic, you are not far away from the decision that one should create their own problems if there are none to be had, all in the name of promoting learning. This is a terrible fallacy. The problem is that a pony who thinks this way believes that they are serving order through the use of chaos, or serving chaos through the use of order. In reality, they, strangely, are ineffective at both and accomplish nothing, or, worse, cause terrible damage.
"Although I will not dispute the fact that my chaos has opened the way for more than one lesson to be learned, actively attempting to teach lessons through chaos indicates an unsound base understanding of chaos itself. Ultimately, the best way to use chaos is to cause chaos for chaos sake and allow what will be to be. Chaos is something to be enjoyed for what it is. Sometimes understanding will be found in the chaos and sometimes it will not be found. What one does learn from is, in a way, just as important as what one does not learn from.
"And now, it is time for the final topic of the day. In order to keep things interesting, I have ensured that the topic is about one of the least well understood things in Equestria! I will begin by answering this question: Dear Discord, why do ponies spontaneously burst into song, anyway? How do they all get the lines and choreography right?
"The answer to this question is long, complicated, and poorly understood. To begin with, I need to remind everypony of a simple fact. As everypony should know, every living thing in Equestria has at least some kind of magic, no matter how small. However, aside from the magic that is unique to every species, there is also another kind of magic that is shared by every creature, aside from the magic of friendship.
"This magic is a fickle thing. It has a tendency to be uncooperative when any attempt is made to study it. In fact, when studied, it often disappears entirely. As a result, there is little known about it outside of speculation.
"This is a list of the few things that I do know about this magic. It is responsible for the uncomfortable feelings you get when somepony is talking about you. It is responsible for the ability to somehow be able to sense danger even when one's five basic senses do not suggest that there is anything to be afraid of. This magic is also somehow connected to the concept of deja vu, as it is what allows ponies to be able to predict the future without any apparent evidence of that future. It is also what allows ponies to sing together in harmony when none of them even knew the lyrics a few minutes before.
"This magic also effects everything in our lives in small ways. It is responsible for every little thing almost never working as it should, or being more complicated than expected, and far more frequently than calculated probability ever suggests. However, in order to counter-balance this, when it comes to the big things, it dictates that, somehow, everything will usually work out just fine. Neither case is a definite one hundred percent of the time, as it is against the nature of this magic to be predictable.
"Furthermore, any time anypony ever believes that they have taken the effects of this magic into account for their calculations and that they can 'beat it', it almost always surprises them in a new way that they never expected, causing even their adjusted calculations to have to be thrown out. On the other claw, taking an attitude of apathy and assuming that the magic will ultimately work in your favor results in a drastically reduced chance of a favorable outcome, even with the things that are really important to the pony.
"As a result, the best way to approach this magic is to act like you are completely unaware of its existence, much to the frustration of all who have attempted to study it. Even giving it a name is a good way to cause it to become even more elusive. But it's existence is undeniable.
"This leads me to answer a question that has been asked to me many times. 'How does Pinkie Pie do what she does? Does she use chaos?'
"I believe that Pinkie Pie has a natural affinity with this strange magic, much stronger than its connection with any other pony that I have ever seen. It is so strong that Pinkie Pie herself is somehow made aware of things that she should not be able to sense, often long before it happens. While any pony can potentially display this quirk once, Pinkie Pie is the only pony who has ever been able to repeat it again and again and again.
"Pinkie Pie herself says that she does not have any idea how she does it. And that does not surprise me. How could she understand it? For, when one begins to try to understand the magic, it leaves them.
"Is this related to chaos magic? Not at all. In fact, the magic allows Pinkie Pie to always be pre-prepared with whatever it is that she needs in any situation at any time, and always know just the right thing to say to a friend to cheer them up. Because of Pinkie Pie's hyper demeanor, her actions frequently do come across as chaotic, as she is in fact out of control in with unpredictability. However, this leads me to a new point.
"Chaos does not directly mean unpredictable. Being unpredictable is an important part of successfully being chaotic, but chaos does require a certain aspect of familiarity. This is why I myself am so fond of things like cotton candy clouds and chocolate rain. The application of familiar things in an unfamiliar way causes large amounts of confusion, which is an essential component of chaos. Complete randomness would result in completely unfamiliar things and the minds of ponies would not even attempt to determine what is normal in that circumstance because they have never experienced that circumstance before.
"And now, with those final words of wisdom, I must bring another broadcast to its close. Unfortunately, I do not have any further music prepared for you, since I couldn't find anything that I felt like sharing. However, I will keep my ears out. In the meantime, I do encourage you to listen in to the new radio program dedicated to presenting you all with good ol' music. Thank you to everypony who has sent me these wonderful letters. I do hope that they continue to flow in! Stay tuned for next week, as I am sure to have something extra special for you all!
"You have been listening to Discord Underground Talk Radio. For those of you who missed part of the program, tune in again in two hours for a repeat of this week's program."
Discord Underground Talk Radio
Fifth Broadcast (Island Survivor)
"Welcome to the fifth broadcast of the ever more popular Discord Underground Talk Radio! However, despite the name of the radio station, I am recording this week's show outside, on the beaches of quite a lovely tropical island. But I'll explain more about that later.
"The top story this week! Four fillies and one mare were discovered in identical states of sleep that nopony could awaken them from. They were in this state for over twenty-four hours before Princess Luna finally determined that they were all stuck in a mysterious dream world and rescued them, and also identified the culprit behind putting the in such a state in the first place.
"The culprit was me! Who would have guessed! And so, as punishment, it was decreed that I was to be confined to the very same dream world for an entire week. Which explains why I am currently stranded on the beach of this lone island with nothing but ocean around me for as far as my eyes can see.
"I can't help it! An outburst of chaos was bound to occur sooner or later! I just can't seem to stay out of trouble. Hopefully I will be released on time so that this week's program isn't late.
"Naturally, this is a problem for me. It is impossible for me to receive my weekly mail here. But something so trivial is no problem for the lord of chaos!
"I present to you a special program: Discord the Island Survivor, where I tell the tale of how I manage to survive a week in complete isolation without the every day conveniences that make life easy!
"This is the first day of my isolation on this forsaken island, and I must admit... I don't have any idea what I'm doing.
"I am awfully hungry though. In fact, I would go so far as to venture to say that I am getting faint with hunger. And thirst. That tends to be a problem when you're stuck on an island, you see. Food is an especially serious problem when you are a draconequus and can't even eat the ferns and grass and palm fronds as a last resort like ponies can. Because I'm picky like that.
"I am hoping that I can loot the shelter of the island's previous occupants and make the problem go away. I'm coming up on it right now.
"Hmm, how unfortunate. It would appear that all of their supplies has been removed from the site, with only a crude lean-to shack left as evidence of former occupation. That is a problem. Now I have to actually work to find something edible.
"There has got to be something around here. Think, Discord. What was that old saying again?
"Oh, yes! 'One can always find food if only they know where to look.'
"At first, there appears to be nothing edible on this whole island. But, lets look, say... underneath this rock. Now, remember, always keep a stick ready when looking under the rocks in case a snake comes slithering out. Let's see what we have here.
"Nope, no snakes, just this chocolate sponge cake.
"Day two.
"One important difference between life on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean and life in a pony settlement is that the weather tends to run wild. This is because the weather outside of Equestria is not controlled by pegasi, but rather by the spirit of the air.
"I bring this up because there is a thunderstorm on the horizon today, and, of course, it's headed straight my way.
"You may think that the best way to deal with a thunderstorm is to hide in a shelter, but you would be wrong. Actually, the best way to get away from a thunderstorm is to build a raft and oar out of driftwood and row out to where the thunderstorm can't get you.
"I have already built myself a raft. Let's see how well it holds my weight.
"Hmm. Not very well apparently. I promise that it's not because I'm fat. In fact, the problem is that the spirit of the water is looking on top of my little raft and beholding the terrifying image of the one and only lord of chaos, which causes it to move away out of fear, leaving no water left for the raft to float on.
"The only solution is to hide my figure from the spirit of the water by putting walls on the raft.
"So, let's try this again now, shall we? Ah, just as I suspected. With the addition of the walls, my raft now floats just fine, and just in time too. The thunderstorm is almost here. I am now currently in the process of rowing out.
"There. I should be safe here. There's no way that stupid thunderstorm is going to rain on me when I've parked my raft above it.
"Now all that's left to do is wait for the storm to pass while I eat this strawberry ice cream that I found in a burrow today. And play 'I spy' with myself.
"Oh, that's right. I won't be able to see a thing on the ground when those rain clouds get here. How about a nice game of 'tag, I'm it' then?
"Day three.
"Last night, I was reminded of something very important when it comes to surviving on a deserted island. One some nights, it can get unusually cold. In order to combat this, one needs to have the knowledge to build a fire.
"The procedure is fairly straight forward. I will explain my process as I do it. First, take a sturdy long strip of bark, and wrap it around a stick a couple of times. Then, take the ends of the bark and tie them to the ends of another flexible stick, creating something that looks rather like a bow.
"And then all you have to do is put the stick that you wrapped the bark around with its end poking into something flammable, like this piece of driftwood. Push back and forth on the flexible stick, causing the bark to spin the stick that it is wrapped around, which in turn causes friction on the driftwood."
BLAM
"... This simple, but shockingly effective ritual will cause the spirit of fire to rain flaming brimstone from the sky and ignite the driftwood, as well as everything else in a small radius.
"Day four.
"Today, something strange washed up on the beach. It was some sort of ball thing with dried grass poking out of the top of it. Strangest of all, it had a face painted on it.
"It turns out that not only am I the only intelligent creature on this island, I am in fact the only creature on the island whatsoever. So I have made the ball my new best friend in this world. It bears a giant letter 'M' on the side, which clearly indicates that his name is Milton.
"An important part of life on a deserted island is that, after you have secured your own survival, find something entertaining and chaotic to entertain yourself and your comrades while awaiting rescue, or, in my case, release.
"Like drag racing.
"The contestants are all waiting at the start line, ready and eager to go! And there's the green flag!
"Discord opens by rocketing ahead of the competition!
"And then subsequently veers off course because he was looking back at the competition instead of keeping his eyes on the track. This will certainly be a tremendous setback for the lord of chaos!
"But, astoundingly, Discord makes a smooth recovery and reclaims the position of first place!
"And with an incredible burst of speed, Discord crosses the finish line almost as quickly as it began! Better luck next time to Milton, who apparently has yet to move from the start line.
"Day five.
"Milton is gone.
"Earlier today I noticed that he was glaring at me, so I asked him what was wrong.
"He told me that he couldn't believe that I would force five young ponies to go through the experience of being stranded on an island for a week."
"I didn't realize that Milton is such a judgmental thing. So I decided to get rid of him.
"I shot him out of a tree cannon and into the ocean. See how he likes that.
"I spent the rest of the morning wondering if I had done the right thing. While eating waffles.
"I spent the afternoon tap-dancing.
"Day six.
"In light of the loss of Milton, I have decided that I need to find some new friends. And what better way to find new friends than to open a popular new business?
"So, I have now crossed something else out on my rather lengthy bucket list when I opened a martini bar.
"A good bar tender needs to be patient. So I have waited and waited.
"So far, no customers, but it's the thought that counts.
"Of course, such an envious business is sure to become the target of pirates at sea. I need to consider making fortifications and defenses to protect my assets.
"Of course, I should be getting out of here tomorrow, but you never know. It could happen before then.
"Day seven.
"Halt! You are trespassing on the grounds of Fort Luftwaffe! State your business or prepare for aerial bombing via coconuts!"
"Discord? What in Equestria are you doing?"
"Why, it's Princess Luna in the flesh! Stand down, everypony!"
"Who art thou talking to?"
"I'm talking to my audience of course!"
"Thou art transmitting even here ?"
"No, but I can record everything and transmit it later! Would you care for a martini, Princess?"
"What? Nay! What art we to do with you, Discord? I told them that something like this would happen, but they decided to go along with it anyway. Can they not see that this effort is in vain?"
"Nonsense! I think I needed this! A much appreciated island vacation. Oh, by the way, Princess. I would like to ask you to reconsider my offer to interview you for my audience."
"The answer is still no , Discord. Why would I submit to thy foolishness?"
"Because, Princess, on D.U.T.R., you can say whatever you want about whatever you want! And there's nopony else here to stop you!"
"... Discord. I have reconsidered your offer. Ask me your questions."
"Really? Fantastic!
"Okay, so there is just one thing that I just have to know. What is your opinion of my radio show?"
"At first, I found it to be repulsive garbage."
"You wound me, Princess! But considering you said, 'at first', I assume your opinion has changed?"
"Yes. I have realized that you bring to light many glaring issues that my sister has neglected to address properly, including problems with the sewage system, garbage disposal system, and public school system. I find it shocking that my sister procrastinates this much."
"Ah. It is good to know that those discussions were not in vain. Can we expect you to step in and correct the problems where Princess Celestia has failed?"
"Indeed. But my greatest complaint with the rule of my sister is her insistence on keeping secrets from everypony when their safety is on the line. It is almost enough for me to take matters into my own hooves!"
"I see. One such matter being the threat that Equestria currently faces from... a certain dragon?"
"Wha- Why... Why, of course... Maybe. Perhaps you could refresh my memory?"
"Oh, you know, that one thousand mile long space-dragon creature that wants to eat the sun for lunch."
"Hmm. Indeed, that is probably him. He threatens to cause Equestria to fall under eternal night. Again. Celestia wishes to keep this a secret until the last possible minute, but I believe that it is only fair to warn the general population as soon as possible.
"Do you have any information on when this dragon might be arriving?"
"Yes. I have managed to pinpoint his location in the east during the night sky, with the assistance of a fine telescope. Based on my calculations, he should arrive in almost exactly one month."
"I'm sure that there's no need to panic. Princess Celestia is certain to have some sort of a plan."
"I do have plans myself, should my sister prove unwilling to act."
"Well, thank you for your time, Princess. I would very much like to return to the world of reality now so that I can prepare the program for this week."
"That is all that you have to ask me?"
"Yes. I think, considering the weight of the situation, we have given everypony more than enough to think about."
"... Very well."
"Wait, before we go, I need to sign out! Apologies for my inability to answer questions this week, but everything should be returning to normal next week. Remember, keep your eyes out for some changes in the near future! Also remember to stay reasonably safe while still allowing for a healthy dose of chaos, everypony!
"You have been listening to Discord Underground Talk Radio. For those of you who missed part of the program, tune in again in two hours for a repeat of this week's program."
Author's Note
Again, sorry that there were no responses to questions in this one, but I want to keep this various so that the chapters don't just give you more of the same old question - answer routine. I am currently in the process of answering questions in the next chapter. Happy April Foals. Turns out that Luna is willing to work with Discord after all.
Discord Underground Talk Radio
Sixth Broadcast (Science and History)
"Welcome to the sixth program of Discord Underground Talk Radio, hosted by the Lord of Chaos that everypony thinks is taking a joke too far! If you haven't figured it out by now, that's me, Discord!
"Everypony is talking about it! And, to be perfectly honest, ponies are getting pretty mad about it. I am referring to none other than that gigantic dragon in the night sky, of course! The day after my previous broadcast, Princess Luna declared that the whole thing was nothing more than an April Foals joke.
"But it's not ! I'm afraid I must inform you that the Princess of the night is lying to you to try to keep everypony calm. The dragon threat is very real I'm afraid. But ponies everywhere have decided that it is nothing more than a hoax, an illusion created by myself in attempt to scare them for chaotic fun! Ask yourselves, is that really something that I would do?
"In the later half of today's program, one of Equestria's leading scientists will attempt to prove the impossibility of the dragon's existence. However, until then, the topic will not be discussed further, as we have many questions to get through today.
"The next letter has three questions for me. They are as follows: 'Discord. Snowflakes or webs? Also, when you do something do you prefer to make it somehow work with the established rules of reality and make it incredibly beautiful chaotic and complex or just use "screw it, it's magic"? Finally plasma or pillow stuffing?'
"The answer to the first question is snowflakes. I really don't like spider webs. Every time I go for a stroll, I somehow always get a spider web in my face and have to zap them out of existence and make those creepy spiders have to rebuild them all over again. Of course, ponies have been trying to make them stop for ages, but they actually do it because they think it is hilarious to watch ponies flail at apparently nothing out of the blue.
"Snowflakes on the other hand are a work of art, and that is something I can appreciate. Did you know that there is a pony who works in a weather manufacturing plant in Cloudsdale, where they make snow for all of Equestria, and his job is to design snowflakes? It's all designed by one pony! They would give him more ponies to help out, but if they did that, then they would run the risk of two snowflakes accidently being identical, and we all know what a disaster that would be. So, every snowflake in Equestria was designed by the same pony, who stays up night and day to ensure that there are enough unique snowflakes to go around. So, next time it snows in your home town, take a moment to thank that pony working alone in Cloudsdale for making winter possible!
"Now then, question number two. Does my magic conflict with the rules of reality? While magic in general does appear to break numerous laws of physics, it does so using its own set of laws. It is probable that magic does not 'break' any laws of physics at all, and ponykind simply does not yet have the means to understand the relationship between magic and physics. However, chaos magic is much less restricted than other forms of magic and only appears to be constrained by little more than the law of conservation of energy and the user's imagination.
"And so now consider one of my iconic uses of chaos magic, chocolate. I don't actually know what chocolate is composed of, not exactly at least. I know that there is milk and cocoa in it, but I don't know what those things are made of either. But it doesn't matter. I may not be able to tell you what chocolate is made of, but I know it when I see it. And when I use chaos magic to summon chocolate rain clouds, or a chocolate milk shake, or a chocolate sponge cake, I get what I want.
"Of course, because of that law of conservation of energy, expending energy to magically create a chocolate cake is actually somewhat futile. While it does fill one's stomach, it provides no more energy than was used to create it in the first place.
"Hmm, that gives me an idea. Just for you, I will bring this topic up with the scientist I am expecting for the second half of the program. Perhaps she can shed some light on the subject.
"Now, as for your last question, do I prefer plasma or pillow stuffing? Do you actually know what plasma is? It's a substance that has been predicted by science, but is much too dangerous to actually attempt to create. Any significant amount of plasma would burn your face off just being near it, as well as burn a hole into the ground until it all gets used up. I have a little rule, and that rule is 'Don't create things that might kill you .' Just because I am immortal doesn't mean that I am invincible. So, yeah, I think pillow stuffing wins.
"It's funny that you should bring up plasma at this time though. You see, those scientifically minded ponies believe that they have proved that Bahamut the giant space dragon is nothing more than a hoax of my invention because, among other things, there is no way that his stomach could digest the sun, and therefore such a creature could not possibly exist. But some sort of plasma stomach acid stuff could probably do it. We shall have to see what our guest has to say about the matter.
The next letter reads, 'Dear Discord. As one who I assume has seen many other worlds out there, is their anything marginally interesting? Does the multi-verse theory hold any truth?'
"I can confirm that there is at least one other universe other than our own, and quite probably many more. Possibly an infinite amount. These parallel universes seem to be imperfect reflections everything and everypony in Equestria. Everypony has an alternative version of themselves in those universes, albeit with some sort of twist. Unfortunately, actually traveling to these universes is physically impossible.
"Or at least that's what I'm obligated to tell you.
"Now then, the next letter. Ahem. 'Sup Discord. Have you ever met a pony named Derpy Hooves? I think you two would make good friends! She gets picked on a lot for causing lots of chaos and destruction, so having a friend that actually likes that kind of stuff might be a relief for her. Imagine the chaos you two could create... in fact, what kind of chaos would you wish to potentially create with her on your side?'
"Anypony who has known my local mailmare for a significant length of time will see that, while she does seem to cause plenty of problems, they are all completely by accident. A true practitioner of chaos needs to have more self control. Also, she regrets causing problems. But not I. I know exactly what I'm getting myself into every time I execute one of my plans, and even if it fails in the end, it is always worth the fun. So, in other words, I don't even try to learn my lesson. Hey, at least I'm being honest here.
"On to the next question! 'Dear Supreme Executive Chairman Drek- I mean, Discord. Would you rather an army of sentient bananas (who attack with chocolate pudding!) storm Canterlot, or let Pinkie Pie drink liberally sugar-laced coffee and watch what madness unfolds?
"An army of bananas would certainly be random and unexpected, but I'm afraid they probably wouldn't get very far before the guard stops them. I cannot actually create sentient creatures. The best that I could do is manipulate them like puppets, but unless the army is composed of four bananas or less, I couldn't control them all at once.
"As for the Pinkie Pie? She already tries to get her hooves on coffee, but everypony in Ponyville already knows not to let her have any. I have no doubt that she could get some coffee anyway if she really wanted to, but I believe that she would rather respect her friend's wishes. And if I were to slip some to her without her knowing? Impossible. She would know. Although, she might be tempted to drink it anyway...
"I'll think about it.
"The next question is, 'Dear Discord, If you became a professional wrestler with the EWF (Equestrian Wrestling Federation), what would your gimmick be?'
"Unless I use magic to make myself buff, which I am pretty sure is against the rules, I actually not the strongest of ponies. Or at least, part pony. Come to think of it, since ponies generally are only matched against those of another species for special events, I am not certain that I could qualify at all. But assuming that I did?
"Since brute strength isn't my strong point, I would have to go for agility! I would be known as 'The Slithery D'! They may catch all the others, but they won't catch me!
"This pony writes asking multiple questions. 'Dear Discord. Wouldn't it be dreadfully discordant of you to be orderly for a day?'
"While I do agree that I need to be as unpredictable as possible, I consider this a step in the wrong direction. There are still an infinite number of choices for things to do that are unpredictable without resorting to dreadful order.
"The next question in this letter is 'What does air taste like?'
"Do you really need to ask me? Eh, maybe you've lost your taste buds or something. The thing about describing tastes is that there are very few ways to describe a taste without comparing them to other tastes, or smells. The taste of air depends on where you are. In most places, air tastes like the pleasant sensation of being asleep. But in Manehatten, I must say that it tastes more like a nightmare.
"Next is 'What is Celestia's favorite type of cake?'
"Bannana cream cake. It just is.
"Next is 'I saw an orange with frog legs hopping around the other day. It croaked at me. Why would you do this?'
"You know, I don't remember doing that. Either mother nature has suddenly got some rather funny ideas or somepony out there is trying to do my job. I guess I don't mind that much. It sounds like good work.
"The next letter reads, 'Dear Discord, is there any object that reflects Chaos in the world akin to the Tree of Harmony?'
"Well, sort of. There is me. I'm not an object, but neither is the Tree of Harmony. We are both living creatures, it just so happens that I have a brain and am mobile. But there are no 'elements of chaos' if that is what you are asking. I wouldn't want to seal part of my power away in a bunch of gems.
"Next question. 'Dear Discord. I heard that the Everfree Forest Vines were because of you. Whether they were or not, not here to judge, but something came to my mind about that. My twin cousins have some kinda remedy for some kind of 'Poison Joke' in that forest. Already that sounds like it has your name all over it. Not literally since it's missing a 'C' and some other letters, but you know what I mean. So my question is: Was Poison Joke something you made? And if not, does that stuff even effect you?'
"Poison joke is indeed one of my many delightful creations. That does not mean that I am invulnerable to it, however. I'm smart enough to avoid it... most of the time. I won't talk about that one time.
"Annnnyway, moving on... to the next question! 'Dear Discord, in your opinion, how chaotic are each of the Elements of Harmony (and Spike)?'
"I would definitely say that Pinkie Pie is the most chaotic of those six. Rainbow Dash is also admirably chaotic. Just when everything is peaceful, expect her to bring you bad news in the form of a crash. She has some great ideas for pranks. Rarity is also fairly chaotic. If you are a resident of Ponyville, you'll know what I mean. One time she got her hooves on an ancient magical tome and used her newfound power to create some fantastic chaos in the town. Although, apparently it wasn't entirely her doing, but the chaos was still clearly of Rarity's design. Twilight likes to think that she is the most orderly and organized pony around, but that doesn't seem to stop her messing up some spell every other week and creating chaos for everypony. Applejack is probably the least chaotic. She is all business and doesn't mess around. Even when I reversed her personality, she was the least chaotic. She just lied about trivial things, or about things where the truth was blatantly obvious. Spike is something of a two sided coin. At some times, he is the voice of reason, especially to Princess Twilight, who honestly has a bit of a tendency to overreact sometimes. But at other times, being reasonable and logical take a back seat to his primal instincts, such as greed or pride. While this does create valuable chaos, there is something to be said for consistency. But he is still young. He will probably make up his mind one of these days.
"Alright, let's see what the next letter has in store for us! 'Dear Mr. Discord, don't you think its odd that most pony's names are related to their cutie marks?'
"Quite odd indeed. I believe the best explanation is that cutie marks are somewhat hereditary, just like names. The Apple family is definitely the most obvious example that I can think of. Almost all of them have a cutie mark relating to apples in some way. Of course, there are a few of them who do not, so their destiny is not necessarily sealed in stone. Most of them are happy to continue their proud family tradition. As a result, most ponies of the Apple family have an apple cutie mark.
"Although, this doesn't account for ponies that have names that seem to suggest that their parents knew exactly what their cutie mark would be. I honestly have no idea how that happens. All I can figure is that fate has a sense of humor.
"This pony asks, 'Dear Discord. Let say, somehow you have a daughter, a draconequss kit (I found a book saying that young draconequi are called kittens) and you had to name her. What would you name this daughter of yours?
"I'm glad that this is a theoretical question. To be honest, the name would probably mostly be up to the mother. Assuming that the mother is another draconequus that appreciates chaos as I do, I might consider naming her 'Pandamonium'.
"Of course, I would just have to hope that she lives up to her name.
"The next question reads, 'Dear Discord. Have you ever ranted and raged at anypony/anybody if they dismiss/insult/ridicule you and your opinions/beliefs about Chaos in a rude or disrespectful manner?'
"The simple answer is yes. I have, but not because I was actually angry. It actually takes quite a lot for me to really get angry. I don't even get angry when ponies turn me into stone. I get angry afterward that they refuse to give me any company, but nopony can stand that for centuries on end. Ponies who insult and ridicule are creating an invitation for disharmony, which I naturally jump on and add to. I love to argue. It doesn't matter what the argument is about. More than likely, I will take the opposite stance on the subject just to have a good debate. It's all harmless. Unfortunately, too many ponies see 'arguing' as a a 'bad' thing. If there is one thing that truly delights me about Princess Twilight, it is her enthusiasm for a good, chaotic debate. She even wins them most of the time, for which I am rather glad. Arguing loses its appeal when one side is invariably right.
The next question is, 'Dear Discord, could you give everypony super powers? Or is that against the rules too?'
"Sorry, I'm afraid it is.
"But that doesn't mean that I can't help you. You should check out a certain brand of comic books. It won't give you super powers, but you can let yourself 'pretend' that you do. Sorry, that's all I can say about it.
"Ooh, this is an interesting couple of questions! 'Dear Discord, do you ever get scared that everyone will one day die and you'll be left with only yourself as you wait for the universe to end and get lost in the endless void, time slowly killing you and having to live with the madness and pain?... Depressing is it not? Also, why can't we just say everyone, I mean there's not just ponies in the world, and we're always talking about equality and friendship and stuff, but we are acting like species other than ponies don't exist, and even the princess says it! I mean, does she say that to diplomats? Dear god no wonder the dragons and griffins hate us!'
"To answer your first question, I need to make it clear that entropy, a thing closes associated with chaos, is slowly taking over the entire world, and no amount of effort can stop it. Just trying to stop it causes it to spread even faster. While I am immortal, I am not invincible, so it is possible that I won't actually live to see the end. However, there will be a paragon of chaos. Whether it will be me is uncertain, but chaos will always live on. When the end of the universe comes? When the world reaches the epitome of entropy? When there is nothing left to live for?
"Bring it on.
"But that day is a long, long, long time away, and more than likely, I won't be alive to see it. In the meantime, I will be considering how I can bring chaos to you all in the now.
"The answer to your second question is fairly simple. Saying 'everypony' and 'anypony' is similar to referring to females as 'guys'. Females are obviously not male, but the term is applied to the entire population anyway. Other species usually do not take offence at these 'pony' words, as the intended meaning is clear and no insult is intended.
"Of course, sometimes they do take offense and insist upon 'politically correct' word usage. Usually ponies are willing to humor them.
"Not that ponies use these words exclusively in every day speech. If you pay close attention, you will find that ponies around you probably say "everyone" on occasion, even when among only ponies.
"And so, now I will read the next question. 'Dear Discord. Firstly, if money was an object to you, how much would have to be at stake before you cheated at cards/dice/etc.? Can you manipulate random chance to your favor, or is chance dependent on chaos to function properly?'
"Clearly, I can get anything that I want whenever I want, and therefore money holds no value to me. But let's say for the sake of argument that I was a pony. Wait, no that doesn't work, because then I wouldn't have my powers and I couldn't cheat even if I wanted to. But if I had my powers, then I wouldn't need money. Argh! I don't know how to consider this question in a way that makes sense!
"My head is starting to hurt, so I will just answer the second question instead. I can use my powers to directly force the cards or dice to be favorable to me, and I can also make one side of the dice heavier than the others, thus changing the probability, but I can't change the probability without physically changing the world somehow. Random chance is indeed an important part of chaos, so forcing a certain outcome is not a thing that I would actually do, except for the rare occasion where I randomly change my mind.
"Alright, let's move on. This question says, 'Dear Discord, what do you think of table-top roleplaying games? My mom says they're a waste of time, but, naturally, I disagree. As an aspiring author, I draw a lot of inspiration from the sessions I play, and there're plenty of lessons to be learned packed around a table with six other stallions of refined taste. Teamwork is one I bring up a lot, but I feel like I'm missing a lot, too. P.S. - what's your favorite flavor of ice cream?'
"This may come as a shock to many of you, but even a master of chaos needs something to draw inspiration from sometimes . Some of the time I can rely of my erratic and hyper-active imagination to create an original and chaotic idea, but it does take time. In the meantime, I certainly don't put aside good ideas when I encounter them. Sometimes I have to wait to actually put those ideas into practice, since if I used them right away, ponies would be expecting it, but the ideas of others are still fantastic and I wish I had thought of them first. They kind of make me wish that I had a the ability to go back in time so I could use the idea first and claim that it was originally my idea.
"But, to answer your question, if tabletop games are what give you inspiration, then that alone makes it worthwhile.
"And the answer to your P.S. is... death by chocolate ice cream. It has to have at least 5 different types of chocolate. With chocolate syrup. And strawberries and cherries. And whipped cream. Just remember to eat the container first.
"The next question reads as follows. 'Dear Discord. When does the Narwhal Bacon? And also, what do you think of paradoxes?
"I'm pretty sure that Narwhals, while carnivorous, don't eat bacon. They eat sushi. And as for what I think of paradoxes? There's a paradoxes who fix my friend Rainbow Dash up every time she goes to the hospital. Those paradoxes do good work. I think they deserve a little more recognition, don't you?
"We're running out of time, but I will read one last question before moving on to meet the special guest. This letter reads, 'Dear Discord, is it true that you had a claw in creating griffons and a number of non-sentient species? Because anatomy of some of them makes little to no sense!"
"It is true that I had a claw in creating some of the fauna in the Everfree forest, just as with the flora. Certain species, such as manticores and cockatrices, wouldn't be what they are today if not for me.
"Now, imagine that manticores suddenly have become intelligent and have learned how to speak. How do you think they will react when they find out that they can blame all of their problems on me?
"So, in light of that... No. I had nothing to do with the evolution of griffons whatsoever.
"And I'm afraid that that is all the time I have for questions today. It is time to introduce our special guest!
"I present to you the esteemed professor of physical science, Professor Fine Mane!"
"... Thank you, Discord. I must say, I am surprised that you exalt your opposition so highly."
"Why, I would never disrespect a pony! Just because you rejected my 'chaos theory' doesn't mean that your own ideas are not perfectly sound."
"That paper was highly unprofessional."
"Well, it's your loss. So, let's begin shall we? Please tell my audience exactly what your purpose is here today."
"Of course. By now, everypony is aware of that dragon visible in the night sky that just happened to appear on April Foals day. And I am here to tell everypony that it is a scientific impossibility for such a creature to exist, and therefore, it is all a hoax."
"It's not a hoax."
"Discord, Princess Luna, your assistant in pulling this 'prank', confirmed that it was a joke the very next day. But let's not condemn you before the evidence is presented. So, I will get straight to the point. For a living creature to be so ridiculously huge is frankly quite impossible."
"How do you figure?"
"First of all, there is no known material that is capable of holding the massive weight that such a creature would have."
"That's why it stays in space, where it is weightless. And it can have an all-you-can-eat buffet without worrying about getting overweight."
"But the momentum and stress exerted by the creature's body by the slightest movement should be too much for it to handle."
"Hey, don't ask me how it works. Maybe you should study him up close when he gets here in four weeks?"
"There is no dragon coming to Equestria . Now then, the second problem with such a large dragon. The nervous system. Animals have delayed reactions because of the distance that signals must travel from their brains. If a creature was two thousands miles long, that delayed reaction time would have to be several minutes at least . Probably almost an hour from head to tail."
"It's an alien. Maybe his body has some way of instantly sending those signals?"
"I find that highly unlikely. I believe that you are simply grasping for unknowns to defend yourself."
"That's right, I am. We should be busy panicking in the streets instead of trying to understand an alien's anatomy."
"... The third problem. You claim that this dragon eats stars. But stars are the hottest thing in the known universe. No creature would be able to stand such a thing."
"Hey, dragons like hot things."
"A star would melt his body , Discord. No matter how big he is! Not to mention, how can a dragon digest a star?"
"Actually, a pony sent me a letter that reminds me that plasma in place of stomach acid might work."
"Your explanations for these oversights all require the existence of fantastic super-materials, Discord. Such things do not exist."
"If you insist. We'll see if you still believe that in four weeks.
"... And a fourth problem. While living creatures only need to eat infrequently, they must breath something at all times, whether that be air or water. Space is nothing but emptiness. The dragon would suffocate."
"Maybe he breathes space."
"Breathes space? "
"I don't know. There are stranger things."
"Discord, up until now your arguments have at least had an illusion of partial logic. But this is just stupid."
"Look, all I'm saying is that you shouldn't dismiss this as a hoax just because you can't understand it."
"Discord, I did a little bit of research to see what I could dig up about 'space dragons'. The only material I was able to find was about how ancient earth pony tribes did not understand the concept of a solar eclipse and concluded that the sun was being devoured by a gigantic dragon. It was completely ridiculous and no more true than this hoax."
"Solar eclipse? As in, when the shadow of our planet falls upon the sun?"
"What? Discord, you are thinking of a lunar eclipse."
"No I'm not. A lunar eclipse occurs when the sun comes between our planet and the moon."
"Discord, that has never occurred. Ever . I can see that you are going to continue this ridiculous prank in the face of all evidence. I am not even going to bother to continue to disprove you."
"You're leaving? Wait, hold on a second. Before you go, I wanted your opinion on something that one of my listeners brought up."
"Alright, fine."
"Would you say that chaos magic breaks the law of conservation of energy?"
"Nothing can break the iron law of conservation of energy. Although... it sure does appear as if you do in fact do so."
"What do you mean 'nothing can break the iron law of conservation of energy'? It's easy to break. I just chose to fully exert myself when it comes to chaos."
"... How exactly do you define the law of conservation of energy?"
"I'm glad you asked! The easiest way to demonstrate is by examining the five basic energy-saving devices."
"Which are?"
"The first of the energy-saving devices is the disinclined plane. The downward force of an object placed on the plane provides a convenient support to lean against."
"What?"
"The second device is the loafer. Force exerted on one end of the lever keeps the other end at a convenient height for resting your head."
"Where did you get-"
"The third device is the broken wheel. The useless wheel prevents you from moving the load. You might as well just go back home.
"This is not-"
"The fourth device is the blocked tackle. You know how every time you pull out a rope or a cord or a string, it's a tangled mess? Since the ropes are hopelessly tangled, the load cannot be lifted."
"..."
"The fifth and final device is the screwup. After stripping the screw, the job may as well just be given up."
"..."
"And thus the law of conservation of energy is demonstrated."
"... Discord, I- I don't even know what to say. That is the biggest pile of... stupidity I have ever heard of in my life. That's not what the law of conservation of energy is about."
"Well then, what is it?"
"It states that energy cannot be created or destroyed, only moved and converted from one form to another! And the same goes for matter! Creating an object from nothing appears to break this law!"
"Oh! Is that what it is? Now I understand the question perfectly. Chaos magic does not break the law of conservation of energy. When I 'create something from nothing', I am in fact changing the world in hundreds of small ways as a result."
"That does not satisfy the law."
"Yes it does. Let me tell you a story about an obscure earth pony farmer. One day, he was sitting underneath one of his fruit trees, when suddenly something fell upon his head."
"Yes, I've heard this story. But that pony is far from obscure."
"Don't interrupt. Some of the listeners may not know the story. So anyway, this pony picked up the fruit that had fallen on his head and he suddenly had a wonderful idea.
"The fig farmer suddenly came up with the idea to create cookies out of figs, which he did, and he named them after himself: Fig Newtons."
"Whoa, wait-"
"I said don't interrupt. So, Fig Newton traveled to Canterlot to arrange for the mass production of his creation. It was while spending time there that he observed the House of Nobles in session. After observing them for some time, he declared that 'A body at rest tends to stay at rest, and a body in motion tends to stay in motion'.
"And then after that, he decided to go to a local bar and he got a little too much to drink. One of the other customers insulted him. Naturally, he punched the stallion out. After doing this, he declared 'Every action has an opposite and equal reaction.'
"Chaos magic takes that opposite reaction and tries to distribute it out over a wide area so that the change is as unnoticed as possible. This is what causes ponies to suddenly lose small possessions that they are sure was where they left it a minute ago.
"Discord... Please stop twisting history to fit your own agenda. That stallion's name was Apple Newton . It was an apple tree that he was sitting under, and the apple falling on his head triggered the beginning of understanding and defining gravity. He then went on to create three basic laws of physics, all of which you have taken completely out of context."
"Yes, the first part of what you said is true. However, everything I told you is absolutely true. The more popular of the Netwon brothers stole the ideas from his brother and passed them off as his own work!"
"I- I actually can't disprove you on this matter. I don't believe you in the slightest, but history is not my strong point."
"Apple Newton had some funny ideas about the structure of the planetary system. I believe that he was convinced that Celestia actually moved the entire world around the sun, rather than the sun around the world?"
"He had good reason to believe that. Even if it turns out that he was wrong in the end, moving the planet around the sun would take far less energy than moving a solar mass that is so far away.
"... Discord... I know I am going to regret asking you this, but the Princess has only ever given vague answers on the matter. Where does Princess Celestia get the energy to move something so big and so far away?"
"Ah! I'm glad you asked! So, the princess is an alicorn. What is an alicorn?"
"... An alicorn is a pony that has features of all three common equine races."
"Correct. All three of them. But for some reason, most ponies seem to forget that this includes earth ponies. And just as alicorns have the strongest unicorn magic and the strongest wings, they also have the strongest connection to plant life!
"You see, all plants on the entire planet are actually solar energy collectors. And some of this massive amount of energy is drawn upon by our glorious Princess of the sun to power the magic that she uses to raise and set the sun every day!"
"... Right... But what about Princess Luna? How does she get the power to move the moon?"
"By consuming the nightmares of her subjects, of course! She takes nightmares and utterly incinerates them, never to bother anypony ever again! And, while she's at it, the fires of this figurative inferno provide her with the energy to move the entire moon!"
"... Okay... And what about the other planets? What keeps them moving through space?"
"The other alicorns, of course."
"You mean Princess Cadenza and Princess Twilight?"
"Cadence, yes. Twilight, no. Twilight doesn't have control over any of the heavenly bodies. Princess Cadence, the Princess of Love, however, is responsible for the rising and setting of the planet closest to our own, and closest in its size. That planet isn't named 'Cadenza' for nothing you know. She doesn't advertise the fact since the other planets are all so far away and obscure and don't actually have much effect on the lives of every day ponies.
"By the way, it's a good thing that she has never done anything bad enough to be banished. By tradition, when an alicorn is banished from Equestria, they are imprisoned on their own heavenly body. Unfortunately, Cadence happens to control a world that is characterized entirely by toxic sulfur clouds and molten rocks. Getting banished there would be highly unpleasant."
"Um... Actually, considering how the name of that planet is Cadenza... Could you actually be speaking the truth? I was aware that the princess was given the honor of having a planet named after her, but I never thought...
"No, wait! What about all of the other planets! If Princess Twilight doesn't control them, and if each princess only controls one heavenly body, then who controls the flight of those other planets?"
"Other alicorns."
"There are no other alicorns!"
"I'm afraid that the other alicorns are all banished to their own planet for one reason or another. Not all of them are a power of benevolence. It's a shame, most of them are males too. Male alicorns seem to have quite the temper."
"I don't believe you. Give me an example."
"Well, there once was an Alicorn that lived in Equestria who, sadly, was an extremely violent, brutal, and barbaric pony."
*Gasp! *
"I know! Can you believe it? He was the Prince of War. Of course, because of his vicious ways, he was banished to the planet Crom."
"Wait a minute. There is no planet named Crom."
"Indeed not. He was frankly a rather unpleasant alicorn. Nopony was going to name the planet second-closest to our own after such a pony.
"Now, the princesses felt rather bad about having to resort to such measures, but they found a way to keep Crom happy and allow him to do Equestria a service. You see, a long time ago, a few ridiculously evil ponies discovered some really really dark and evil magic.
"Have you ever heard of zombponies? Most ponies these days think that they are a myth, but once upon a time, they were very much a reality. They were the thralls of these evil pony necromancers, along with animated pony skeletons.
"Unfortunately, these evil ponies were almost unstoppable because they also turned themselves into liches, and therefore get a free pass out of Tartarus. It was decided that the only way to stop them was to banish them from Equestria altogether. The problem was that, given enough time, these remarkably powerful and yet still totally evil ponies would find a way to return to our world one day.
"So they were sent straight to Crom instead so that he could keep them busy.
"Now, Crom was delighted to have opponents to slay, but liches tend to make really big armies. He couldn't fight all of them at once.
"So the most violent and conflict loving ponies in Equestria were also sent to Crom, not only to fight against the forces of evil, but also to prevent their dangerous behavior from being passed on to the impressionable minds of pony youth.
"Now, to this very day, Crom and his loyal army of ferocious ponies fight an eternal holy war against the forces of evil, keeping them from reaching Equestria forever! Those ponies do refer to their world as Crom by the way. The only way for Crom and his subjects to redeem themselves, regain their honor, and be allowed to return to Equestria is to locate the elements of chivalry and find a way to stop the evil liches forever!"
"..."
"What? It's all true! This all happened just shortly before my first imprisonment, so I can say that I witnessed everything myself!"
"I don't believe a single word of your strangely contrived psycho-babble, and I'm going to find out for sure. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to conduct some research. Good day, my good Chaos Lord."
"A good day to you too, Miss Fine Mane!
"And with that, I'm afraid it is once again for us to part ways, my loyal audience. Remember to tune in next week for the newest batch of letters and for the latest update on the incoming apocalyptic event!
"You have been listening to Discord Underground Talk Radio. For those of you who missed part of the program, tune in again in two hours for a repeat of this week's program."
Author's Note
At the request of a couple of my friends and several readers, I have now created a knock-off story that expands upon Discord's story about Crom the prince of war and the elements of chivalry. It's considered to be a sequel to this story, but for added convenience, here it is. Expect a questionable and ridiculous story.
Discord Underground Talk Radio
Seventh Broadcast (Unplanned Interview)
"Greetings one and all, everypony! Equestria's most chaotic Draconequus, Discord speaking! Welcome once more to the illustrious, or infamous, depending on who you are, Discord Underground Talk Radio!
"Did you know, my loyal audience, that some ponies are beginning to come up with wild conspiracy theories that I am conjuring an enormous illusion of a dragon into the sky in order to scare everypony into doing something for me? I find that these accusations are quite simply ridiculous. There is nothing that ponies have that I want that I don't have already. What have I to gain by trying to scare everypony, other than the wrath of Equestria's princesses? And furthermore, the ponies that came up with the idea are rather unimaginative. If I wanted to scare everypony, it would be working much better than how everypony seems to be reacting to Bahamut.
"Would you like to hear about a real conspiracy? I've come to realize something recently. I was once of the belief that apples were the most widespread and successful crop in Equestria, but, depending on how you view things, this might not be true after all, particularly in towns and cities with a higher concentration of ponies.
"I recently decided to slip inside a department store in Manehatten, just to see what it was like inside. I don't actually need to buy anything of course, I was just curious about what sort of things ponies in Manehatten buy. And I wandered down the juice aisle. And that was when I realized something.
"I don't know what it is with cranberries, but they're getting in all of the other juices!
"There was cran-apple, cranberry-strawberry, cran-grape, cran-apple-pineapple, cran-cherry, cran-mango, cran-apple-orange, cran-melon, cran-carrot, everything you could come up with. Although, strangely enough, the selection of actual cranberries was quite limited!
"Somepony out there has been building a cranberry monopoly from under our noses! How did nopony notice? Somepony who almost certainly has cranberries for a cutie mark has probably been talking with all the big producers and saying 'Let's combine our products and split the profits fifty-fifty!' And now they've covertly borrowed from the success of every other fruit farmer out there, and overall become much more successful than any one of the others, and nopony noticed !
"It's all a conspiracy for cranberry farmers to take over the entire fruit industry, I tell you!
"Anyway, that's enough of that. I'm sure that everypony out their is fervently awaiting my marvelously wise answers to the questions I have received for this week, so I am happy to oblige!"
"The first question of the day is as follows. 'Dear Discord. I heard a rumor that you are, frankly, completely insane. Is this true?'
"This is a question that I feel I ought to have addressed long ago. The answer is 'yes'. You see, to be insane is to perceive the world around you as something other than reality. My policy is to always assume that I am insane. That way, if I think I am insane and I really am not, then I am perceiving my situation as different than reality, and then suddenly I am right in thinking that I am insane. But if I think that I am insane and in reality I am insane, then I can trust my own judgment. Thus, I am insane.
"This is a much better policy than the policy that most ponies follow, which is to assume that you are sane unless otherwise proven wrong. That policy doesn't work. Ponies like that have no way of actually knowing when they do become insane, and once they are insane, their insanity cannot be proven to them. After all, only one thing in whole world is absolutely certain, and that is that nothing is certain.
"You know, there are many ponies in Equestria today who, to no fault of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane. Some of them became sane later in their lives. It is up to those of us who are out of our tiny little minds to try to help these ponies overcome their sanity.
"You can start in small ways with Ping-Pong ball eyes and a funny voice. And then you can paint half of your body the color opposite of your natural coat color. And then you can dance in your dinner and howl at the moon in the middle of the night. And then you can rearrange your friend's bookshelves in random order. And then, if you get that far, then you should be able to figure out the rest.
"Now then, what does our next question have in store for us? 'Dear Discord. So, is 'draconequus' your real species name or is that just something the pony dominated establishment made up just so they'd have a nice, neat label to slap on you? And if 'draconequus' isn't your real species name, then what is?'
"I believe the name 'draconequus' is supposed to indicate two species which I share traits with, those being drakes, or dragons, as well as equines. I don't understand why they chose to refer to me by those two names and not by any other creatures that I resemble, but I don't care very much about what ponies chose to call my species. After all, names are determined by what the majority believes the name should be, and the majority of ponies call me a draconequus. There are many names that would be just as accurate if used to describe me, but draconequus is the only one that other ponies would immediately understand.
"If you ask me, I don't think I require a species name at all in the first place, considering how I am the only draconequus around. 'Discord' and 'draconequus' both refer to the same thing. Me.
"I suppose in the event that another draconequus is discovered, the term 'draconequus' would then take on a different meaning. But I don't think that is ever going to happen.
"The next letter says, 'Sup Dissy. I've always wanted to know, just how does Princess Celestia and Luna's hair float around like that? I ask only because I'd always assumed it was an alicorn only thing but when I first saw Princess Mi Amaro... Me Amoray... Cadance, I noticed her hair doesn't flow like that, and I've heard that the new Princess Twilight's hair doesn't either. Now I wonder, is it possible for pegasi to get that (and other ponies I guess)? Because I would look so bu-"
BEEP
"Oh dear. Why, it would appear as though my recording device has malfunctioned for some strange reason. How curious.
"Now then, in answer to your question, I'm sorry but I have to disappoint you. You see, throughout the whole universe, there are teeny tiny little things that are so small that there is normally no way of detecting them whatsoever. And there are a hundred bajillion of these things shooting through every inch of Equestria every second.
"However, a curious side effect of this on alicorns who control sun or the night is that you can see the 'wind' created by the flow of these 'things' as they go shooting by. One can see the solar wind blowing through Celestia's mane, and you can see a sort of cosmic wind blow through Luna's mane. Celestia and Luna could use magic to prevent this if they choose, but they usually don't.
"The next letter reads, "Dear Discord, what is your opinion on changelings, and did you change the Flutter ponies into Changelings? P.S. do you get along with Princess Cadance because love is chaotic?'
"I must confess that the changelings are a complete mystery to me. They came into Equestria some time after my first imprisonment, so I certainly did not have anything to do with their appearance. It is possible that residual chaos magic is somehow responsible for their appearance in Equestria, but I have no proof, and I am not actually sure that that is what brought the changelings to Equestria in the first place. If anypony knows how they came to Equestria, it would be their queen, but she is not open for questioning.
"Now, to answer the second question, I do agree, love is chaotic. But love is also harmonic. And cruel. And inspiring. And confusing. In fact, you probably have to think harder to think of terms that describe what love isn't . And to be quite frank, I don't pretend to understand it. That would be highly audacious of me, don't you think?
"Also, have you seen what Cadence did to Sombra? You probably haven't, but let's just say I'm even more scared of 'love' than I am the elements of harmony.
"Next question. A fairly short and straight to the point one, at that. 'Dear Discord, what is your favorite color and why?'
"I suppose if you mean one solid, unchanging color, I have to go with white, because with white, you have a blank slate. You can make it into whatever you want it to be, unlike the color black, which so adamantly resists change.
"However, I must confess, I do have a weakness for rainbows. While rainbows are traditional symbols of harmony, I see something a little more when I look into a rainbow. I see many different colors, all representing many different things, and all are in a nice and neat row, with none of them overlapping. Each color co-exists in harmony with its neighbors.
"But what you ponies don't see is that there are a couple more colors that exist in your rainbows, that you are inheritantly incapable of seeing with your naked eye. Now, what do they represent?
"To be perfectly honest with you, I haven't the faintest idea. They probably don't mean anything. After all, meaning is given by the observer, and most ponies are unaware of those colors.
"But it is fun to think about it, and guess at what they could mean.
"Don't ask what those colors look like, by the way. They are as indescribable as any color would be to creatures who cannot see them.
"Next question. 'Dear Discord, I once heard somepony say a world without string is chaos. Your thoughts?'
"The world is in chaos with or without string, but you are correct, a world without string is even more chaotic than a world with string. A lack of string could result in riots and mansions falling apart, among other things.
"But I think cheese would be an acceptable substitute.
"This letter reads, 'Dear Discord, should we pay the ferrymare? Or is there some way of sneaking aboard without its knowledge?'
"If this letter is referring to what I think it is... You are a morbid pony, my dear writer.
"Alright, listen up. The ferrymare keeps a tip jar next to the ferry. You didn't hear this from me, one thing that the ferrymare cares about as much as doing it's job effectively is keeping it's ferry in ship-shape. If the ferry were to somehow get dirty... Well, the ferrymare just might be distracted long enough for you to 'borrow' from that tip jar.
"Alright then, sooooo... This question reads, 'Dear Discord. What are your feelings on make up (aka beauty products) and gender?'
"I have no problem with anypony of any gender using makeup. The choice to use makeup is a part of who a pony is, and although makeup disguises a pony's true self, there is nothing wrong with desiring to express one's self as one wishes.
"Next letter. 'Dear Discord. Are you capable of interdimensional travel? Also, what may be the best possible way to deal with a horde of buffalo?'
"Technically, I am permanently confined to my current plane of existence, but that doesn't necessarily mean that there isn't another Discord in another dimension. If that were the case though, I am unaware of it.
"As for the best way to deal with a horde of buffalo? I used to think that teaching them to dance was a pretty good way of dealing with them, but evidently bargaining with them is also a possibility.
"Just don't ask Pinkie Pie for advise on the subject.
"Another question. 'Dear Doctor Discord, Duke of deception. I have to ask, would you be able to take a town, say, Ponyville, and make the dirt, paths, and floors all into spaces of a town-sized, very scrambled board game, and move the buildings?'
"That sounds like a delightful idea to me. Not that I have a problem with a miniature version of a game board, but because ponies would focus so much better on the game if they were to feel invested in it, and what better way to do that than to use their very homes? I might have a problem getting ponies to play along voluntarily though, particularly since it would ruin the game if I told them what the rules were beforehoof, and if I don't tell them the rules, they won't be willing to play.
"This letter reads, 'Dear Discord, what advice would you have for a manticore like me trying to avoid three young ponies who keep coming into the Everfree? They are driving me crazy, and I have no way of getting rid of them, as acting threatening only encourages them to chase me with nets.'
"This is clearly a ploy to try to fool old Discord. The notion that this letter could have been written by a manticore is ridiculous. So, I must advise you to-"
*Grrrrrr*
"... It would appear as though a manticore has somehow slipped into my secret hiding place. With a net tangled into its mane. Is this somepony's idea of a joke?"
*RAWWWR!*
"Yeagh! What are you doing? Do you not know who I am?"
*RAWR!*
"Stop it! Don't you know that I could simply teleport you miles away and be done with you?"
*RAWR!*
"Yikes! Er, I'm out of here!
*POP*
"Flutteryshy! "
*Knock knock knock knock*
"Fluttershy! I have a problem! Open up open up open up! "
"Hold on!"
*Creak*
"Discord! Whatever is the matter!"
*SLAM*
"Oh, Fluttershy! It was horrible ! There is a furious beast after me, Fluttershy! Please tell him to leave me alone!"
"Why would a beast be after you?!"
"I don't know!"
*RAWR!*
"It has found me, Fluttershy! That manticore won't leave me alone! How did it find me so fast?"
"He... appears to have a hoofheld radio, Discord."
"Oh. ... Oh dear. Everypony has been hearing everything! How embarrassing!"
*GRRRR*
"I could have dealt with this manticore myself of course..."
*RAWRRR*
"It's waiting at the door like a cat waiting at a mouse hole! Tell him to leave me alone!"
"Can you please unwrap yourself from me, Discord?"
"... Yes."
...
*Creak*
...
"Discord?"
"Yes, Fluttershy? Is the manticore gone?"
"No. But he isn't happy with you."
"I figured that out! Please get rid of him!"
"He says that you're the reason that creatures like him can't interact with others without them screaming in terror."
"That's not what I gathered from the letter he sent me!"
"He sent you a letter?"
"Um, yes. He did. Here, take a look."
...
"I see."
"It's not my fault that ponies are scared of manticores! That's the fault of the ponies! If three of them have overcome their fear of manticores enough to chase him around, I would say that's an improvement!"
"I'll need to have a word with those three."
"What for?"
"Because they are going into the Everfree Forest alone again! It's not safe!"
"There he is! In front of Fluttershy's cottage!"
"Let's get him, Cutie Mark Crusaders Manticore Tamers!"
"There he goes! He's running away again!"
...
"Discord, he ran away."
"Good!"
"The poor thing. We should do something for him."
"Alright, sure. We'll get that sorted out as soon as possible. But, um... Well, now that that is all done with, I need to go back and wrap up the- show."
"Discord... Is your voice still being recorded for your radio show?"
"What! Oh! Well, um... you know, maybe I should leave before-"
"Wait! I'm not trying to throw you out!"
"Fluttershy, there are a lot of ponies listening to us right now. Wouldn't you rather I bounce?"
"But Discord... I don't want your show to be ruined!"
"Ruined ?"
"The way that the manticore scared you in front of your audience. But now, since you're here, you can talk with me and you won't have come all the way here for nothing."
"Now hold on a minute, I wasn't scared. I was... concerned. I could have dealt with the manticore with a snap of my fingers. But... I figured that the outcome would be more acceptable if I came to you for advice."
"Which goes to show how far you've come in your friendship, Discord."
"Fluuuutershy , not right now! Okay, fine, give me a second to summon the letters concerning you."
"Me?"
"Sure. Lots of ponies adore you, even if you don't know them.
Snap
"Alright, alright, so these letters were written to me, so that is why they are addressed to me, but you can answer them for me. This first one says, "Dear Discord. Did you know that your friend Fluttershy used to model? She was incredible! She didn't stay with it for very long, unfortunately. Do you think that you could ask her if she would ever reconsider it for me?' "
"Go back to modeling? Oh, no! I... I couldn't do that."
"Are you sure? Apparently there are ponies who thought that you did a fantastic job."
"It's not because I thought I was doing a bad job. I don't want to talk about it. Can we try a different question, please?"
"Okay. Let me find another one here."
...
"Hey, by the way Fluttershy, perhaps you could show me some photos from when you modeled?"
"Eep!"
"Erm... Everypony else, mind your own business."
...
"Alright, here's another one that has your name in it. This one says, 'Dear Discord. Do you refrain from causing chaos when you visit your friend Fluttershy? Or does she put up with it? If she does, why do you think she does it?' "
"Why, you're perfectly well behaved when you visit Discord! Well, Angel doesn't seem to think so, but I understand that it would be cruel for me to not let you be yourself! Just as long as you keep from scaring the critters!
"And Discord can be plenty of fun when I go along with what he wants to do too! Like when you want to play hide and seek with me, you transform yourself into an object from around the house, like a tea mug, or a chair, or even my refrigerator once, and I have to try and figure out where you are! Hah, I still don't have any idea how I didn't realize that I suddenly had a second refrigerator, that one time!"
"Erm, okay, moving on, this next letter, the pony says... Oh, no, wait. Maybe I shouldn't read this one."
"Why not, Discord? Is it embarrassing?"
"No, not really, but... Well, alright, I'll read it. 'Dear Discord. I used to be acquainted with Fluttershy a long time ago when she lived in Cloudsdale. I wasn't her friend or anything, but I still cannot believe that I used to know somepony who went on to do what she has done. But, my question to you is, how does it feel to be the only friend that Fluttershy has ever sought out herself?
"Flutteryshy... What does that mean?"
"The only friend I've ever made myself? But have several friends!"
"But how many friends did you make by walking up to them and asking to be their friend?"
"Oh! Well, Rainbow Dash... asked to be my friend. I didn't ask to be hers. I don't know why she singled me out, but she did, and decided that she would be my friend. Not that I'm not eternally grateful!
"And then Pinkie Pie was next... But that was because I met her when she adopted Gummy. And Rarity and Applejack I initially met when they brought their pets to me for checkups... Almost everypony I'm friends with in Ponyville, I met like that, actually. I became friends with Twilight on the day of the Summer Sun Celebration, but neither of us asked to be friends. It just... happened. I think that the pony who wrote that letter might be right. All of my friends other than you might have been made because of circumstances, and in spite of my behavior...
"OH! Spike! I made friends with Spike all by myself! I was the one that started talking to him!"
"Hold on, Fluttershy. You are saying that the only friends that you actually asked for are Spike and myself?"
"Well, yes. I suppose so. But that's okay, right? Everypony else is still my friend too!"
"Well... Fluttershy, I don't actually know how to express how that makes me feel. I guess I feel... Honored. Even more-so than I was before.
"However, Fluttershy, I think I've had enough, actually. I'm happy that you decided to answer some questions for me, but it's time for me to end the radio show."
"Oh, well okay. Did I do a good job?"
"You have exceeded my expectations, Fluttershy. And now there is only one question left that I want answered."
*Creak*
"What are you doing eavesdropping at Fluttershy's door, Twilight?"
"I- I heard what you were up to on the radio, Discord. I came here to ensure that you didn't try to make a fool of Fluttershy on your radio show!"
"And I decided to come along!"
"Pinkie?"
"That's me!"
"Discord, you need to come with me right now ."
"Right now? But I haven't even signed off of my show!"
"You're coming right now Discord, we don't have time for that."
*Rattle *
"Hey! What did you do that for? I need to cut the broadcast on that thing, and I can't do that until I've signed off!"
"Pinkie, would you mind signing off for Discord while I take him to go have a talk?
"Okie Dokie !"
"Helloooooo Equestria! Discord is suddenly having to leave, so today your bye-bye will be given by Pinkie Pie! You've been listening to Discord talk to his radio thingy underground. Except I guess he wasn't underground when he came to Fluttershy's place. He'll probably have more goofy words for you next week. I hope he does. I don't actually know if he will, I didn't ask, and now he's gone. But I think he probably will!"
"Oh yeah! And doesn't Discord usually put his show on a loop every two hours or so? He'll probably do that too. Or maybe he won't. I hope he's not mad at us. Anyway, I hope everypony out there has a wonderful week full of smiles and happiness! And everyone else too!"
"So, this is the part where the show is supposed to end, right? How does he turn this thing off?"
BEEP
"Oh, sorry! Wow, I didn't know that that would happen if I put the microphone so close to the place where the sounds come out! Um, is it this doohickey here?"
Author's Note
I said this already in a comment in the last chapter, but I need to say this in a place where everyone can see it.
I am NOT TAKING ANY MORE QUESTIONS FOR DISCORD.
This story is in fact approaching it's end (and it has been too long in the coming if you ask me). I have examined how many questions I have been receiving per chapter compared to how many I actually use per chapter, and although there are a few chapters left, if I don't cut the questions now, I will never get around to answering them all in the intended amount of time.
A huge thank you to everyone who has offered me questions up until now! Your combined efforts has made this much more interesting than I could have achieved by myself!
