Across the Sea of Time

Chapters

1 - Here come the Nerds & Red Skies Over Appleloosa
2 - A Close Encounter of the Creepy Kind & First contact? YAY!
3 - Do we stay, or do we go? & Medical Emergency
4 - When in Alien Rome & The Hive Queen
5 - To Boldly go Where Some Have Been Before!
6 - Nerds Transformed & Hell Week Montage
7 - A Few Kilos of Ore - Part 1
8 - A Few Kilos of Ore - Part 2
10 - A Few Kilos of Ore - Part 4
11 - A Few Kilos of Ore - Part 5
12 - A Few Kilos of Ore - Part 6
13 - A Few Kilos of Ore - Finale
14 - Conundrums of Philosophy - Part 1
15 - Conundrums of Philosophy - Part 2
16 - Conundrums of Philosophy - Part 3
Interlude - Watchful Eyes, Guiding Hooves
17 - Conundrums of Philosophy - Part 4
19 - The trail that we'll blaze! & Don't fear the reaper
20 - These are the voyages of the USS Enterprise.
21 - Taking care of buisness, and pleasure.
22 - Dread Pirate Ruby
23 - The end, for the moment.
Epilogue: Ah ponyfeathers...
Prologue: Celestia's Letter
9 - A Few Kilos of Ore - Part 3
18 - Conundrums of Philosophy - Finale

1 - Here come the Nerds & Red Skies Over Appleloosa

Tessarah Munro's Personal Log: Stardate 93210.3

The unbelievable just happened. My friends and I have found ourselves stranded on a strange world. There is alien life here both benign and hostile. We are unarmed and have pretty much just an RV and the stuff we brought with us to a con. Naturally this is so unfathomably awesome that I feel the need to start keeping a proper log of everything. No that isn't sarcasm.

I don't know how these are supposed to begin, so I guess I'll summarize who my friends and I are, how we got here, and just let it flow like I'm writing a novel from there. Maybe one day I'll somehow get to put this on the internet and someone will read it. Until that happens this will be a good way to organize my thoughts and have a record for us to check back on later in case we need something. I'll probably get the others to record a few entries too.

My name's Tess. I'm a very introverted girl. Social events burn me out quicker than anyone can ever predict. The old saying 'Hell is other people' applies to me very well. Not in the way pop culture has twisted it, but in the original 'the observations and judgments of others upon my person is the worst form of torture I can be subjected to' the author meant by his little turn of phrase. Which is why it would shock most people who knew me to see me all smiles and sunshine after leaving Star Trek Las Vegas 2015.

If I had been stuck in a Walmart for a weekend, I would be ready to die. A dinner party? Fire me into the sun please. A microsecond talking to my dad? Please orbital strike my position. A Trek convention? Sorry I can't hear you over discussing how we might improve the primary pattern buffers in the auxiliary transporter systems.

Trekkies are one of the few types of people who I feel safe around. It's simple, they are humans, with human problems, but they are organized into a community who longs for a world free of all the bullshit ours is choked with. The shining future of Star Trek has no money, no war, no hunger, no disease. The show is a message, it says, 'Yeah life sucks ass now, but if we get our shit together it could be awesome. We have the power to become better than this.'

That message is why the con has fans who have been fans for half a decade. Hell Trek cons are as close as I get to attending church. Instead of talking about how we are all dirty sinners it's talking about cool sci-fi stuff, and more often than not talking with real scientists about new ideas and inventions. The cellphone exists because a guy was inspired by Star Trek. Just saying.

That would still be draining to me if it weren't for one other thing. Most Trekkies embrace the philosophies of the show as a whole. You don't see many people in the fandom who discriminate, and those that do get shunned. You are accepted, even if you are a girl like me.

What is a girl like me? A walking talking contradiction of societal opinions that's what. I'm a six foot tall, slender, platinum blond, white girl with a love of revealing clothing and lovely g cups that I'm proud to say are the product of science. I have been described as a 'whore' by strangers and family members alike, that's technically true I guess.

I'm not a booth babe. Yeah I'm ok looking, dress skimpily most of the time, and yes I have 'fake' tits, but I am also a nerd. How much of a nerd? I don't have implants, I have artificially induced growth of natural tissues thanks to participating in a clinical trial for the twenty first century's answer to silicone. I did it so I could say I'm the result of a mad science experiment to create a better woman. Downside is the only superpower I got was more chest fat. I would have preferred wings, or a big fluffy squirrel tail, or anything non-human but well, what can you do?

I also don't act like some bimbo. I might as well be a robot when around most people but at home or with close friends I'm a fun loving, twitchy ball of nerdy nerves. The sort of person who made her best friend and girlfriend's uniforms for the con this year using the same materials as the original prop guys. The sort who spent her hard-earned cash to make sure her own uniform was screen accurate and every accessory functional.

Kaily is a bigger nerd than I though. Sure, I loved the show and the ideas in it, but she knew the real life physics behind NASA's warp drive in progress. That's a whole other level. She is someone who would be helping build that shiny golden future for humanity, if she had gotten to finish college. Which is why I started dating her, well that and her cute bouncy rump.

She's short, sexily curvy, has dark red hair, mocha colored skin, and an epic henna tattoo that reaches every single part of her. The only problem with her looks is she's human, she could use retractable claws, or scales, or some other cool xenobiology. Then again I am of the opinion that everyone could use something like that. The human shape is just... boring.

Fortunately Kaily's personality is beautiful enough to make up for that flaw. She's cheerful, brilliant, kind, thoughtful, and neurotic enough for me to have a role she needs very much. I'm the one who pulls her out of the pit of despair, she's the one who gives me a reason to live.

The other person who made my life worth living was Ed. We’re not romantically involved or anything, I don't do guys. Though he is cute. He looks a little like Robert Downey Jr did in the 90's, only Portuguese, a little shorter, and with bright green eyes. The sort of guy who looks like he should be harassing me to go out with him, or saying 'I'm too pretty to be a lesbian.'

Ed's not like that. He's been my best friend for years, ever since we both were in Amtgard as preteens. He's not a Trekkie per-say, more of a fan of sci-fi in general. He's happy to put on a uniform and shoot the shit with people about Trek stuff, but he loves everything too much to dedicate himself to any one fandom.

His RV was a good example of that. The outside was custom built to look like a Federation vehicle of some sort, complete with a Fleet logo on each side and the name USS Sagan RV-42 painted on the hood. The inside looked like the interior of the Normandy SR-2 from Mass Effect. But the actual internals, well... Ed shows his love for sci-fi by replicating sci-fi gizmos. The Sagan was filled with cool functional gizmos, hell the damn thing was electric and powered by solar cells on the roof but still able to go five hundred miles a day on or off road.

Which is why it confused me when Ed announced, “I'm pulling into the Chevron.”

“Huh? Why?” I asked, looking up from my laptop toward the driver's compartment.

“I want something to eat,” He replied, turning the RV off the road.

“But we have snacks in the fridge,” I pointed out.

“Yep.” Ed pulled the RV into an out of the way spot in the parking lot and killed the engine. “You two want anything?”

Kaily shook her head. “I'm good.” She winked at me, standing up as Ed unbuckled and stepped into the living area. The second Ed was looking she snapped into a salute, announcing, “Captain on deck!”

Ed sighed, straightened his uniform's red and black jacket, gave her a glare of doom and shot back, “Don't make me space you Lieutenant.”

He crossed to the RV's door and gave us a nod. “I won't be long. Sure you don't want anything?”

I shook my head. “Nah, I'm good.”

“Kay.” Ed ducked out, grabbing a large camping backpack as he left the RV. Maybe he wanted to do some grocery shopping before going back home. He was pretty lazy like that.

“So... are you going to keep your hair like that?” Kaily asked, looking critically at the bun I had tied my hair into.

“Unlike you, I respect the uniform,” I teased, clicking away at my text game, “I'll go back to the usual ponytail once were home.”

“So you respect the uniform enough to put your hair in an up-do, but not enough to not play video games in it?”

“I'm off duty. I'm also in a security uniform. We both know that means I just sit in a hole until something goes wrong then get my ass kicked,” I giggled.

She nodded. “That's a fair point actually. Did you have a good time?”

“Yep! How about you? Find any fellow eggheads?” I teased before growling, “Ugh... stupid merchant... I'm trying to find new biomes. Stop popping up every time I hit explore!”

“I did actually!” Kaily grinned. “I found a guy who had some pretty interesting ideas on how to adapt that spider silk sub dermal armor so you can grow it in one piece instead of needing to make the lattice. Which means you could grow it in large enough pieces to perform enough grafts to make it a full skin replacement without bankrupting yourself.”

“Sounds like you had fun. I should have made you a medical uniform instead of an engineering one.”

“There really isn't much of a difference these days. Still prefer machines though, at least when they break it's easy to figure out why.” Kaily plopped down on the couch across from me with a sigh. “Well... back to the slog through uneducated dolts for us.”

I sighed and looked up from my laptop, I had to nip her depression in the bud or she would be like this all week. “Yeah... At least we live close enough to drive out there every year though. Besides, local Fleet meetups are always fun and Jake said he had a new campaign figured out so we have a new game to look forewords to!”

“We do?” Kaily asked, perking up for an instant before frowning, “Are you going to run another character like Mil'in?”

I giggled and shook my head. “We both know there is no way in hell he'd let me do that again.” Playing that particular character was not easy for me to do. I had to be way too open with people about myself. I'm glad they think I was just in character for most of what I had Mil'in do, especially the random hugs from behind.

“My point is we have some things to look forewords to... I know that working at a gas station sucks but we have fun too, right?”

She sighed, nodding after a few seconds. “Yeah... Could use more excitement or fulfillment though.”

“Totally,” I agreed in an equally down tone, “But you gotta make do. People bitch at you forever if you try and check out early. I'm sure we will get the chance to make something of ourselves eventually, hon.”

She nodded. “Yeah maybe. Who knows, maybe I'll get a job offer from a start up somewhere and we can get out of here.”

“It would be nice to go somewhere else,” I commented before turning my attention back to attempting to hit 'explore' enough times to unlock the desert biome, “It would also be nice if my browser cleaner didn't wipe my saves...”

Ad’ika's Personal Log: 12th of Harvestide '09 EoH

What? Why do I have to speak out loud? Oh cool! Everything I say is appear- Heh, sorry! I'll just get started then.

My name is Ad'ika. I haven't earned a second name yet, but at least I have something to be called aside from 7142.85. I'm a Scout for the Emerald Hive, a group of changelings living in the bunker beneath Bozeman Hill in Equestria's Badlands. Being a Scout is more than just my job, it's my caste. The biological sort of caste, not like a social caste. I'm smaller, quicker, have dragonfly-like instead of wasp-like wings, and am way better at shapeshifting than others of my kind.

But scouting is also my job. Mostly because my natural talents make me really good at it. We Emeralds have done our best to push past the social structure our biology pushes us into but that's actually pretty damn hard. After all while every changeling can flawlessly impersonate a pony, I can make up my own individual pony forms to use. You can't figure out somepony is an impostor if they aren't an importer!

There's more than just my shapechanging ability, if that's all that made a Scout unique a Worker could do my job with enough training. What no worker can ever do is connect to our hive's link from anywhere on the planet, something vital for me to do my assigned job. It's a job that every changeling in the Hive needs done, I am honored to help but I also would like time to do the things I am interested in. But the hive comes first. Captain Skriit wants me to infiltrate Appleloosa, so I live in Appleloosa.

You might be wondering what job would require an adept shapeshifter who can remotely send information via telepathy back to base and involves infiltration. You probably think I'm a special agent or covert operative for a military or law enforcement agency, or maybe a terrorist. I'm actually more along the lines of a farmhand.

Changelings don't eat what most species do. We need water like everything else, and we can eat a little bit of normal foods, but we actually eat emotions. Specifically positive emotions, usually love as it has the most energy and thus the highest nutritional content. It's pretty hard to be a species of emotavores, we can't exactly plant a row of squee so no agriculture for us. Instead, we have three options: Livestock; hunting; and assimilation.

The live stock option involves kidnapping sentient creatures and keeping them in a hive as a food supply. It's kinda flawed because that makes most things mad, so they don't produce any positive emotions, so we don't get any food. Sure there are exceptions, we could take young and raise them. My hive hates doing that though, so we only take abandoned young.

Hunting works pretty well. Most of my job involves informing the Hive to send harvesters when emotions are running highest. There is some risk to an individual we extract energy from, but if you're careful you can get all the energy you can without an individual noticing. What? You thought we killed creatures we feed on? That would be like cutting down an apple tree to get apples. Any changeling who has been taught to hunt right leaves enough energy for the subject to remain in a positive mood, and is careful enough to give them a slight headache at the worst.

Sometimes I get to pull off assimilation. Our species is genetically compatible with ponies as well as a select few other species, meaning we can breed with them. Our mages found a way to make an adult into the same sort of hybrid a half-changeling child is. We don't do it for just anyone, the risk is too high. But if we ever find an individual who feels cast out of society, who needs company, a family, we make them a deal. We can feed on them, and they get our shape changing powers.

Which is why the Captain had me stationed in Appleloosa. The tiny pony frontier town was a few weeks journey away from our hive and a place where many outcast ponies wound up. Every few months a good candidate for assimilation would show up and I would see about getting them interested in our offer. Also, the local ponies loved their festivals so I could keep the Hive apprised of when to gather food from the town.

I've been living here for a few years now, four of the seven years my orders have me posted here for. I stuck around town for a few weeks in a half dozen different shapes to find a niche I could fit into. My job is easiest when ponies are friendly to me, sadly that means I can't just walk in as my normal buggy self. Changelings have a rightfully earned bad reputation as dangerous. We Emeralds are different, we are no longer conquerors, we have changed, but other hives haven't, and ponies are easily spooked.
So everypony in town knew me as Star Burst, a dark gray furred pegasus mare with a dark blue mane and tail featuring a single gold highlight. I often wore my mane in a ponytail and always had on a simple black homburg with a white band. A hat is sort of required by local pony culture. When I was first infiltrating Appaloosa I noticed they always needed more construction done, so I whipped up a hammer and saw cutiemark and have been working as a carpenter ever since.

I have to admit that I do cheat at my 'job'. Pony culture enjoys tradition, they have some higher technology but usually do things the old fashioned way. Changelings are usually rather primitive. Most hives believe we are superior life forms and that nature is good enough. We Emeralds are different, we suck. Physically I mean, smaller, weaker, we’re wimps. We turned to technology to survive, and after an incredible stroke of luck have some very nice pieces of technology at our disposal.

So whenever I could get away with it, instead of taking a saw in hoof and cutting a board, I'll break out the old omni-tool, whip up a hardlight mono filament blade and just cut the board to shape. I feel a little bad about that though. I've started to drive other carpenters out of business but I can't just stop using my tech because now I have a reputation for being incredibly good. Using pony tools I would be pretty bad.

To be fair, we didn't invent most of our technology. We found it, fixed it up, and can reproduce it, but it's not ours. That's why Bozeman Hill's so important to my hive, our survival depends on the banged up wreck we found under it and the tech therein we have yet to understand. Which is why Applelooza is so important for our Hive, it's close to home, our best food supply. The only problem was we couldn't harvest enough from it, there's more than enough ponies living there to feed our hive but the small population means we can't send very many harvesters at once without someone noticing what's happening.

So my sisters are always a little hungry, running on the minimum most of the time. I'm pretty lucky, enough ponies are grateful for my work that I get all the food I need. Well, I get enough love. I have to feed my pony body too, that's the price of staying shapeshifted for long periods. You need to feed the real you and your chosen form. Since the construction industry in town was booming I had to set my prices pretty low. It feels very weird to be full and also hungry at the same time.

My badge chirped, shaking me out of my thoughts. I quickly took off my hat and tapped the badge hidden inside, indicating I was free to speak over the hivelink. I telepathically sent, feeling my link connect to the Hive Mind and rout through to... Captain Skriit?

Everyling's 'voice' comes through a link perfectly clear, but Skriit’s voice always sounded extra crisp, authoritative, and iron clad. Odd traits for a male's voice to have. It made him sound extra “commandy”.

Realizing I sent that through the link I eeped out loud.

I turned around, tugged open the window and slipped outside, wings snapping open and flapping as I emerged out the second story of my workshop and landed on the roof.

the Captain ordered.

I frowned in concern at the order.

I sighed then closed my eyes, and focused on my true form.

Some 'lings say shape changing feels weird, like when you're freshly molted and someling else rubs your back. I've never felt that way. It's warm, relaxing, and just a little fun. It's like a bucket of warm honey flows across you whisking your old shape away and leaving behind something new.

The rows of wooden buildings and shifting desert sands melted away as my eyes returned to normal. Everything quickly came back into view, the hundreds of vibrant colors gone, everything shades of purple, dark blue, or black to my eyes.

I scanned the horizon, the shifting vortex of sand was much easier to spot now. Crackling energy and flashes of light bloomed within the cloud of sand, I would never have seen them as a pegasus but the UV all of that electricity was putting off glowed like a miniature sun to changeling eyes.

There was no reply as I closed my eyes to prevent the headache inducing flash which came with changing what part of the EM spectrum I was seeing. When I opened my eyes again everything was pitch black with a few scattered tiny motes of white light shimmering. The tiny dots were ponies, their passive magic fields the only thing I could see. Aside from the terrifying arcane maelstrom in the distance!

I concentrated for a moment, the lenses of my eyes warped, magnifying the organized chaos of white bolts of energy in my vision, hidden details instantly revealing themselves.

There was silence for a split second then I saw bright flash of white, the vortex spun down, slowly decaying into nothing.

A shrill shriek pierced my ears. “Changeling!”

“Call the guard!” somepony in the street screamed.

I cursed. Snapping my wings open and switching to the visible spectrum. Only an idiot flies while looking at spell energy.

Captain Skritt ordered with a slight touch of concern for me in his voice.

Flashes of white clouded my vision as my eyes adjusted for normal light. I winced, waiting until I could see properly was costing me precious moments. The first thing I saw clearly was a spear thud into the roof a hair's breadth from my left arm. I chirped in alarm, jumped up, snapping my wings open to take of. A blaze of golden light streaked over my left shoulder.

I dropped and rolled, the metallic scent of spellbolts filling the air as more golden rays sliced through the air above me. I couldn't take off, and in seconds pegasus guards would be on the roof. I called upon my own magic, focused my energy, sweeping a low powered beam of magic around me. With a crack of broken wood I fell through the roof, landing on the circle I had cut out and scrabbling to my hooves in an instant.

My saddlebags and omnitool lay on my workbench, I couldn't leave them behind. Prime Directive, keep tech out of pony hooves and all that. A quick pulse of telekinesis and my bags were loaded and sitting on my back.

someling's voice answered.

The door to my room exploded inwards as two earth pony guards rushed in. Applelooza's guards weren't the polished pretty boys of Canterlot. Their armor was well worn, covered their vital areas, and they knew how to use their spears to do more than bar a door.

“There it is, kill it!” one of the guards shouted.

“It? I'm female!” I shouted in mock anger before firing a spellbolt over their heads. In the instant the bolt bought me, I jumped backwards landing on the sill of the already open window. “If it's any consolation I had a hard time with pony genders myself!”

I tipped backwards falling out of the window. A quick buzz from my wings and I landed safely on the ground. The unicorn would be keeping an eye on the sky still. Within seconds two pegasi landed in front of me, the sound of hooves on dirt from behind indicated I was surrounded.

The guard to my left took a step forward, green eyes narrowed. “Any last words bug?” he asked with a menacing grin on his lips.

“Yeah, pew!” I winked and threw a single low powered stunbolt.

The bolt streaked towards the guard, his partner kicked him out of the way. Hooves scraped dirt as the pony behind me jumped to tackle me. I dropped, belly to the sand, and flapped my wings backwards hard as I could. A pink pegasus guard soared over me as I zipped backwards under her. She slammed into her companions, I scrambled to my hooves, jumped, twisted, landed on the wall, gripped the boards and ran across it passing over the pile of tangled guards with a “'scuse me, pardon me, coming through!”

In my experience angry ponies are less tactical ponies. With thirty Tatzlwurm attack hardened guards in town I would every edge I could get.

I jumped off the wall, twisted, and hit the ground running. I had to get out of the back roads of town. A year ago this would have been simple, but the gold rush had octupled the number of buildings in town. I would have to navigate the haphazard back alleys by myself.

I turned right and took off, flying a few feet above the ground to prevent that unicorn from simply shooting me out of the sky. Hooves thundered behind me. I rolled, twisting my wings to keep moving forward as I spun around to look behind me. The three pegasi had gotten untangled quickly, and their unicorn friend had joined them. The two earth ponies were quickly bringing up the rear, one of them suddenly stopped and leveled a crossbow.

The bolt flew towards me with a sharp crack. I felt a jolt of pain as the bolt bounced off my exoskeleton. Sure, you need armor piercing tips to get through changeling's armor, but it still feels like a really hard punch.

I rolled with the hit, wings brushing against a wall as I twisted in the air nearly knocking me out of the air. A second bolt buried itself in the wall next to my head. I pushed with all my might, wings buzzing like a saw as I climbed above the rooftops. Focusing as hard as I could on not hitting anypony I threw a flurry of spellbolts towards the charging guards.

The unicorn threw up a shield spell, protecting herself and the earth ponies behind her. The pegasi took to the air, the pink one taking a bolt to the wing, slamming to the ground as my spell punched a hole through her feathers.

“Ah! Luna's mane!” she screamed.

I winced. I didn't think I had thrown lethal spells.

“I'll squash it for you, Shield!” a bright blue pegasus shouted, racing towards me, hooves outstretched, face expressing more hate than I was comfortable with.

Any given pegasus is way faster than a changeling. I couldn't outrun him. He knew this, I could see the smug expression on his face as he closed the distance. I let him get within a body length of me then jinked left.

“Olé!” I cried as the pegasus shot past me like a rocket. Nothing with bird wings out-maneuvers a bug.

The pegasus quickly pulled an Immelman turn, looping back to take a second shot. He put on an extra burst of speed, starting to trail red white and blue as he came in. His buddies shot up towards me as he came down.

I counted the seconds till the pegasi would be ontop of me. “Three... two... one... and snap roll!”

I rolled to the left in a corkscrew pattern, intentionally stalling and losing a good chunk of my speed. The two pegasi behind me overshot forcing their friend to pull up and move around them. I couldn't help but stick my tongue out at him as he shot by.

As I turned and flattened out my flight path to try and make a break for the desert I noticed the blue pegasus grab a small cloud, then flip into a perfectly executed pitch back loop, and fire a lightning bolt. The bolt sizzled through the air, passing close enough to blind me for a second.

“Ah! Clever dick!” I cursed, as I barely blinked my vision clear in time for a second bolt to go crackling past me. The second of blindness sent me off course, forcing me to swerve around a chimney.

I rolled onto my right side, twisting the first part of sort of sideways Cuban eight loop. The second I was facing back the way I came I fired off a barrage of small bolts, the green magic sizzling through the air. Blue pain in my ass whipped his cloud up like a shield, my spells diffusing as they hit the lightning charged cloud. With a silent curse I whipped back around, finishing the loop and returning to my original flight path.

Wishing I had taken the advanced air combat classes instead of just basic training, I poured on all the speed I could. If I got far enough from Applelooza the guards should break off. Standard anti-changeling policies said not to chase us too far, they figured we would lead them into groups of waiting allies. Can't call it racist when it's true.

The next ten minutes were a blur of near misses, more than a few painful hits, a few kilohugs of magic burnt throwing spells over my shoulder, and more obscenities than I knew ponies had invented. We quickly entered the middle of the desert, nothing but sand, rock, and desert scrub as far as the eye could see. The sweltering heat was playing hell with my wings. Ling's and hot days do not make for good flying partners, my wings were throbbing.

I would have to do my best to shake them on hoof. I flared my wings and twisted in the air to put my belly forewords, killing my speed instantly. Ignoring the pain in my shoulders I dropped just in time for the two pegasi to shoot past me, a quick buzz of my wing setting me safely on the ground on a fairly steep hillside.

Those guards must have been pretty tired themselves, they banked, turned and landed atop the hill. The green one panting, “Right... pincer move. I got left, you take right.”

“Ok,” her partner agreed, “Charge!”

The two began to gallop down the hill towards me, I spun on my hooves to sprint down the hill only for my jaw to drop in shock. Standing twenty feet away was a bipedal, ape-like creature. It stood almost two heads taller than a pony, had long blond hair only on its head, and was dressed from head to toe in a black and red uniform. A uniform I recognized. A uniform any Emerald 'ling would recognize instantly.

My eyes widened in shock, my jaw dropped, wings opening in a mixture of surprise, joy, and glee. Doing my best to remember to speak in English I shouted, “Help! They are going to kill me for racial reasons!”

As impossible as a Starfleet security officer standing there was, I remembered she would be bound by the Prime Directive and added, “Starfleet! Federation! Earth! Humans! The Prime Directive is suspended if we know about you guys right?”

The human woman looked at me with impossible amounts of shock and surprise and exclaimed, “What the actual fuck?”

Jump to top

2 - A Close Encounter of the Creepy Kind & First contact? YAY!

Captain’s Log: Stardate Um, August. 69072.8

With Lieutenant Munroe’s assistance, I have discovered how to formulate a stardate correctly. This new discovery is only vaguely interesting as all of the Sagan’s clocks utilize American military time and therefore do not display a Stardate... meaning I would have to perform math each time I wanted to put a date into the log. To hell with that, it’s 1432 hours on August 10th.

No Tess, my ship, my rules. Official log entries get a normal date so I know when it is without doing algebra. Yes, I know that your segments are personal logs, but eventually you will have to make a security log and since no one is going to read these besides us I want to know when anything important happened!

My name is Ed, though for the foreseeable future I am going to have to get used to being called Captain Tylor. As an anime fan, this makes me cringe. I hope I captain the Sagan better than Captain Tylor captained the Soyokaze. Fortunately, that shouldn’t be too hard.

I had pulled the Sagan into a Chevron station to load up on groceries for the upcoming week. The Sagan is a new thing for me still, my last car ate gas at roughly the same rate as a four year old eats fruit loops. As such I am used to getting as much done in one trip as possible.

The Sagan’s solar powered electric motor was a little something Kaily and I whipped up to help my wallet out. The old RV used to be my dad’s, and when he died last year it became mine. She’s a nice thing to remember him by and he would be thrilled with the gadgets the two of us built into her. He always wanted a Bond car, but I am sure he would have been happy with a Rustbucket or Eagle Five.

The Chevron didn’t have much in the way of meal-grade food, but that was okay I survive mostly on a diet of whatever is in arm’s reach. I was in the middle of randomly grabbing packaged food when a voice started talking to me.

“Ah there you are! Do you have any idea how hard it was to get here?” It was a man’s voice, one I knew very well.

“John de Lancie?” I asked incredulously. As I turned around and saw a tall, gangly, black suited, pale faced white guy in sunglasses I felt the need to instantly apologize, “Ah- Sorry, I’m guessing you get that a lot.”

The creepy dude nodded. “Yes he does sound like me, doesn't he? Let’s get your ship on course, I can’t stay here forever and you have somewhere to be Mr. Tylor.”

He snapped his fingers, pulling a small pin seemingly from thin air. I do magic tricks, and that was one of the best sleight of hands I had ever seen. No flick of the wrist to dislodge something from the sleeve, no twist of the fingers to slide something into the palm, just snap and there it was.

The pin was pretty nice too. It was a silver eight pointed star with the vertical and horizontal points three times as long as the diagonal points and connected to a gold ring which made the pin into a circle.

“Er- Do I know you?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No. But trust me, you want this. Call it a door prize.” He held the pin out to me, sunglasses slipping down his nose to reveal red eyes with yellow where the white should be.

That’s when it clicked, I had been the first person to enter the Con this year. There must have been a prize. “Oh! Sorry, your Thin Man costume threw me off. You didn’t have to track me down just to deliver a door prize. I mean, thanks, but that’s seriously creepy man.”

He smiled. “Oh but I do. I know it doesn't go with your uniform, but I would recommend pinning that to your collar so you don’t lose it. It’s rather priceless.”

I took the pin, it felt rather heavy. “Is this real silver?”

“No it’s platinum, and the only one of its kind remaining. I am dead serious, do not lose it. You will find it to be valuable in more ways then one.”

“Woah! Now I get why you tracked me down. I wouldn’t trust this in the mail either.” I bent my head down to pin the pin to my collar.

Just as I fastened it on I heard a finger snap, there was a camera-like flash, and the smell of burnt ozone. I looked up to see if someone had taken my picture and the guy was gone. Not gone as in, across the store leaving, as in had never been there gone.

To reiterate, a dude who looked like a Thin Man from X-Com gave me a badge out of nowhere then vanished into thin air. This was how every single conspiracy theory involving the MIB started. For a moment I thought about throwing the pin across the store and running, but then I realized that could easily screw me over later. It would be best to lock the thing in my safe at home and never think about it again unless I needed it to prove to the Feds I had been contacted or something. Or that guy was just an asshole and this really was a door prize.

Thoroughly creeped out, I quickly paid for the snacks I had grabbed and jogged back to the Sagan with the X-Files theme playing rather loudly in my head.

Kaily greeted me the second I pulled the door open. “Hey. You didn’t get much.” Then her eyes spotted the pin. “Woah! That’s a really cool pin, do they have any more?”

“No idea,” I answered, “We should get out of here before Sectoids spawn or something.”

She gave me a confused look. Tess looked up from her laptop with equal confusion and asked, “Er-what?”

“Creepy dude gave me the pin. Said it was a door prize. He could be telling the truth, I was the first one at the con this year but he seriously creeped me out by vanishing into thin air so we are going to get moving,” I answered.

I quickly tossed my grocery bags onto the couch and slipped back into the driver’s seat. As I slipped the key into the ignition Tess pointed out, “You’re letting your imagination run away with you again.”

“He was dressed like a Thin Man from X-Com.” I turned the key, the Sagan’s motors quietly humming to life.

“Yeah, and Vidcon opens in three hours,” Kaily pointed out, “They scheduled it right after Trek this year.”

“I know. Still creepy.” I stepped on the gas and started heading for the road. Home was sounding great right now.

Tess giggled, “I think Ed stole my schizophrenia. You can keep it if you want to.”

Kaily laughed at her joke. I would have if I wasn’t busy being creeped out. I honestly didn’t know why he had been so creepy. Somehow that guy was still making me feel uneasy, and the entirely traffic free highway didn’t help either. “You know, maybe I did. Do you get full body tingly dread when it hits you?”

“Yeah, you can. But normally you actually see things instead of being vaguely creeped out. Trust me, if you had just developed schizophrenia we would know. Kaily is great at telling when I’m out of it, and the docs made me memorize the signs. You’re fine. Some dude just rubbed you the wrong way,” Tess said in an informative and polite tone.

Then she gasped and asked, “Hold on, are you creeped out because you thought he was cute? That would be adorable!”

I slammed my head into the steering wheel. “Not everyone is gay, Tess.”

“Ha! Called it!” She teased.

I turned to look over my shoulder at her. “For the record-”

“Holy shit!” Kaily shouted, Her jaw dropping as she pointed out the windshield.

“What?” I turned my head to look back at the road. A huge wall of swirling sand covered the entire road, having apparently come right the fuck out of nowhere.

I stared out the window in shock at the swirling cloud of sand. The Mojave got dust storms sometimes, I knew what those were like. This was an impossibly huge vortex of sand hundreds of feet high which suddenly started shooting red lightning bolts out of itself like some sort of final boss’s special attack.

The storm was coming right for us, there was no time to turn around, and it was too big to drive around. I slammed on the breaks, reached up to the switchboard above my head and flipped a large red switch marked ‘Red Alert’. Instantly steel shutters slid down over the windows, the door’s magnetic lock clicked on, hydraulics hissed underfoot as the stabilizers lowered and leveled us out, and the cabin lights turned off as the main batteries disconnected, replaced by red lights as the emergency power came online.

“Right, that should ground us and keep the sand out. Everyone hit the deck just incase,” I ordered.

We threw ourselves onto the floor just as the sandstorm hit us. The sand hit with a sound like a thousand needles scraping over tinfoil. The Sagan creaked and moaned as the winds shook her like a dog with a new toy. I could hear the steel stabilizers scraping against the road as the winds slowly started to push us backwards.

Suddenly the RV started to spin. Just a little at first, then faster and faster until I was slammed against the side of the couch like I was on the goddamn Gravitron. The scraping of steel on road stopped as the entire RV lurched, the wind picking us up like we were some kid’s matchbox car.

At some point someone started screaming. It may have been me. It could have been all three of us. I couldn’t tell you for sure.

The cabin lights flickered and died leaving us in the dark, spinning impossibly fast and shooting through the sky. A sound like a million old tvs blaring static filled the air. A sharp smell of burnt ozone filled the entire cabin. Something sent a jolt through the Sagan’s shocks bouncing everything a good inch into the air.

Eventually, the emergency lamps flicked back on and everything was still. Absolutely still.

Tessarah Munro's Personal Log: Stardate 69072.9

The red glow that lit the RV was appropriately hellish for the churning feeling in my gut. I felt like a scrambled egg. Amazingly nothing hurt, but i could feel something wet on my face. I wiped a finger across my cheek, instantly feeling an oily liquid under my fingers. “Oh shit… Please tell me this is a nose bleed.”

Kaily moaned and looked towards me. “Yeah. Nosebleed.”

“Oh good. No one died,” Ed groaned. Pushing himself up into a sitting position, Ed rubbed his forehead. “So… that probably destroyed the solar panels. Hopefully we can fix them, or have enough power to get home.”

“Son of a bitch! Do you have tools in here?” Kaily asked.

Ed nodded. “Yeah. Full tool kit.” He stood up slowly and flipped the ‘Red Alert’ switch. Within a few seconds the cabin’s normal lights came on, the door unlocked, and the steel shutters rolled back up.

Sunlight lanced into the RV like a laser, blinding me until I managed to squint past the glare and take a look outside. The road was nowhere to be seen. We were sitting on the side of a hill in a bunch of dry, withered plants, with red tinted steam rising up from the ground around us in a circle.

“Well… I can’t see the road. How far do you think that blew us?” I asked.

Ed shrugged. “I’m just glad we are wheels down.”

He tapped a few buttons on the dashboard and frowned. “Shit, we don’t have a GPS signal.”

Suddenly Ed blinked, grinned, and gave me one of his famous ‘I’m so happy I can do this’ looks.

“What?” I asked tentatively.

Ed cleared his throat and in a flawless Patrick Stewart impression ordered, “Our first priority is to ascertain the status of the Sagan. Chief Engineer Kaily and I will inspect the ship and repair damaged systems as they are found. Meanwhile, someone needs to figure out where we are. Lieutenant Munro, you’re wearing a Hazard Suit, I want you to exit the ship and search for any landmarks we can use to identify our position.”

I groaned, “God damn it Ed…”

He was right. I had designed my uniform to be a replica of Elite Force 2’s hazard suit, and I didn’t have the know how to fix the RV, but still, after 24 years of trekkies making that joke it was very old. “I knew I should have made myself a Commander.”

“Alex Munro made Commander in the novels,” Kaily quipped as she opened the RV door to step outside.

Defeated, I sighed and followed her outside. The RV’s fiberglass decorative ‘hull’ was blackened, cracked, melted, and even had a few pieces missing from it. The steel plating Ed had welded over the original skin could be seein in a lot of places and was also blackened, but otherwise looked ok.

“Mother fucker! Yeah, there is no way the panels are ok. The glass covering them probably melted,” Kaily swore. Grumbling, she walked around to the back of the RV and climbed up the ladder to the roof.

I started to walk off into the distance, there was a pretty tall hill a few hundred yards away that looked like a good place to get a look around the area. As I walked I heard Kaily call behind me, “Hey Ed! We have one completely intact panel, the others are damaged but not as bad as I thought. See if the battery is getting a charge.”

I started to jog towards the hill. Time was not a good thing to waste in a desert. The three of us lived in Lancaster, smack dab in the middle of the Mojave. While the sandstorm would have everything hiding out right now, very soon the entire place would be swarming with coyotes, kingsnakes, rattlesnakes, about a million kinds of scorpions, and bobcats.

Sure it wasn’t as deadly as the Mojave as seen in Fallout New Vegas, but there were still animals that would kill you if they had the chance. Not to mention the dangers inherent to desert environments like heatstroke and dehydration. Since we had stayed in the RV for the con to save money its water tank was low, possibly even empty. Not wanting to die of thirst in America’s third biggest desert because a heavy metal album cover decided to come to life and throw us off the road, I focused on the task at hand. Figuring out where in the hell we were.

As I ran to the hill I did my best to look around. This was pretty far from Lancaster, but most of the Mojave looks the same. This patch of it was different though, it had way less plant life then it should. I know that seems like a weird thing to say about a desert but most of the Mojave is covered in dried up shrubs, and Joshua Trees can be seen in a lot of places.

This spot only had a few tiny shrubs, a few tumbleweeds, a handful of spindly saguaro cactuses, and a crap ton of rusty colored rock formations. It looked more like a desert you would see in an episode of Looney Tunes, only a live action one directed by Peter Jackson with a budget equal to the GDP of a small nation. It wouldn’t be out of the question for a part of the Mojave to look like this.

As I crested the hill, I spotted a small town on the horizon a few more hills a way. It looked to be about three or so kilometers away, and was pretty big. Big enough to have a mechanic at least, and big enough to have a road for people to commute to work on. I smiled and tapped my uniform’s combadge, which was actually a bluetooth mic and speaker I had paired to my phone. “Call Kaily,” I ordered.

“I’m sorry, there is no service in your area,” Siri’s mechanical voice replied.

“Great…” I muttered.

I mulled over if going back to the RV to tell everyone about the town or if going and getting some water for everyone would be best. It would take them a while to get the RV moving, or at least get as many panels working as they could. It was kinda hot out, they would probably be thirsty when done. I pulled out my wallet, checked to make sure I had cash, then started for the town.

It would take me maybe forty minutes round trip at a jog. Nothing I couldn’t handle. Sure I’m a nerd but I also like to keep in shape, I do HEMA and Amtgard after all. Physical fitness can be nerdy too.

As I reached the bottom of the hill a loud buzzing sound reached my ears. An unsettling, insect like buzzing, the sort of buzzing one would expect from a monstrously huge fly. My first thought was ‘Cazador! Whip out the flame thrower!’. Then I reassured myself that this was real life, so it was probably just a Tarantula hawk wasp. Then I remembered that a Cazador was just a giant Tarantula hawk wasp, and realized that whatever was making the buzzing had to be at least a meter long.

Just before I turned to run back to the RV screaming for Ed to get his Mossberg, a shiny black thing dropped from the sky, landing halfway up the hill ahead of me. I felt my heart skip a beat as the first thing I noticed was a glossy black exoskeleton, then I noticed that despite two pairs of large dragonfly like wings it wasn’t a massive bug.

It looked more like what a kid might doodle a pony as, only with insect features, and you know, real. It had four legs and looked like it would stand about as tall as my chest, a waspish build, large head, dull gray green horse-like tail, really big solid green eyes, a smooth, slightly curved unicorn-like horn, and a mane which would be better described as a spiky kinda-sorta-mullet hair cut.

It was adorable! It looked like a quadrupedal version of someone's anthro insect fursona. It even had a human-like mouth and short rounded anthro style muzzle. Normally I don’t like quadrupeds, but I did like bug-girl art and that thing demanded a hug.

Two more things dropped from the sky. I felt my brain punch itself as I realized they were technicolor pegasi clad in what looked like brass armor. Maybe pegasi wasn’t the best term, they had the same proportions as the bug thing but also had a few feline features, triangular ears, small muzzles instead of the normal horse face, and their wings were way smaller then they should have been. But what else do you call a hoofed, horse-like animal with bird wings?

The two pegasi said something in a language I didn’t recognise. As in they spoke. With words. I didn’t react to this, my brain was still processing what I was seeing. Only when the bug thing started to run towards me screaming for help in English did my brain let me do something.

“What the actual fuck?” I demanded. Reality refused to answer.

“Please! They’ll kill me!” the bug thing begged in a creepy-pleasant, clearly female voice.

A bug girl was pleading for me to save her from two armored pegasi. I understood what was happening now, I had forgotten to take my Zyprexa today and the RV’s death spin triggered a psychotic break. Kaily would find me if I made enough noise and she kept my backup meds on her. At least this time I wasn’t being chased by hungry xenomorphs, and was aware I was hallucinating this time so I could have a little fun.

Falling into the role this particular break from reality was giving me I nodded. “Get behind me miss, I’ll save you from those flying feather dusters.”

Ignoring the adorable little thing as it ran behind me I tapped my combadge. “Siri, play sparring playlist two. Max volume.”

The two pegasi hesitated as I slipped into a krav maga stance and the energetic sound of Rhapsody’s The Wizard's Last Rhymes shattered the air. But only for a second, then one of them yelled something and they rushed down the hill at me. Hoping that realizing you were hallucinating worked like lucid dreaming I threw my left hand infront of me and tried to fire off a ki blast. I had just enough time to be disappointed before they were on me.

The blue one jumped, twisted and launched a flying dragon kick at me. I was in awe, it was like when a Raccoon stands up and goes all bipedal for a few minutes only with kung-fu worthy of a Jackie Chan movie. I had enough time to think ‘good one brain’ before the kick connected squarely with my chest and I was thrown onto my back.

Across all my hallucinations one thing remained constant, I never felt anything. That kick hurt like hell, and so did landing squarely on a pointy rock. As my breath exploded from my lungs one thought filled my brain, this was actually happening. I was in a fucking fistfight with four foot tall pegasi, and right now they were kicking my ass.

Quickly getting my breath back I smashed my knee up into the blue pegasus’s groin. He shouted something and staggered off me. The second he was off I rolled to the side, twisted and got back up to my feet. I fell back into my stance, but this time was actually ready for a real fight and not to play hero in the land of make believe.

The red one turned, spotted his buddy laying on the sand holding his groin, and rushed me. He sprinted on all fours, but at the last moment reared up to throw a human-like punch with a hoof at me. I knocked the punch aside with my left forearm and countered with a quick jab and a screamed “Ki-ya!” for good measure.

Amazingly the pegasus dodged the punch by leaning to one side. He dropped back down to all fours, turned, and bucked. I jumped back, his hooves missing me by centimeters. I snapped one foot down in an ax kick, he sidestepped and reared up again throwing a few jabs. I blocked the first two but his third and fourth hit me right in the tits.

Incase you don’t know that hurts really bad, and makes a girl very mad. I reached out with both hands, growling savagely from the pain, sized his forelegs, jerked him forward and slammed my right knee into his chest Muay Thai style. As the air rushed out of him I felt something snap under my knee.

I let go of him and he dropped like a sack of potatoes, face clenched in a very human pained expression. I didn’t think I hit him hard enough to break a rib. Noting that pegasi bones apparently are hollow or otherwise brittle I took a step back. I didn’t want to kill a mythological creature that I had somehow found myself in a fistfight with.

The blue pegasus shouted something in whatever language he spoke. He sounded very distressed and pretty mad. Remembering the bug girl spoke English I shouted, “Tell him he can get his friend and leave or I can break both-er all of his knees. His choice.”

The bug girl’s voice quickly rattled off what I hoped was a translation. The pegasus gritted his teeth angrily, I adjusted my stance and threw a few palm strikes. Just when I thought he was going to charge the red one hissed something in a pained voice and the blue’s enraged expression softened slightly.

As the red one staggered to his hooves and limped off a short ways the bug girl asked, “Is your universal translator not working?”

“Um- what?” I blinked and gave her a quick confused look before turning back to make sure the pegasi were backing off.

She frowned in the absolutely most adorably sad way I had ever seen in my life. “I’m sorry. Is my English bad? I could try a translation spell but I am low on energy. I burned too much fighting them.”

I couldn’t not answer her, literally. Something deep in my heart and mind demanded I care for and protect the adorable thing. “No, your English is amazing. How do you know what a universal translator is?”

The blue pegasus took off, picked up his friend and started to fly towards the town I had seen earlier. Realizing I was watching a pegasus in armor fly off carrying a wounded comrade away from me after a battle and was not having a psychotic episode if my bruised breasts were any indication, I changed my question. “Scratch that, what the hell are you?”

She frowned, bit her lip revealing half feline, half vampire fangs, “I think my people’s name translates best as changelings, but I could be wrong. You don’t recognise us? We’ve been sending messages into space for years now!”

“Err… you don’t seem to understand. You are the alien here, this is Earth,” I pointed out.

She shook her head no. “No, this is Equis, only class M planet in the Celestial system. My homeworld… Don’t you have a ship in orbit?”

I blinked twice as my brain did it’s best to understand what she had said and failed. She grinned suddenly and exclaimed, “Oh! Hang on!” She then shut her eyes tightly.

“What are you-”

When she opened her eyes, she looked me over and nodded, “Yep! You must have come through the gate spell, you’re still glowing with thaumaturgic radiation. Don’t worry it’s harmless.”

The words gate and thaumaturgic caught my attention. I played enough D&D to put the pieces together. “Did this gate look like a sandstorm that was spitting red lightning bolts?”

“Probably,” she nodded, closing her eyes again, “I normally see in the ultraviolet spectrum so I didn’t see the color, but an electrically charged sandstorm is a good description.”

“So, you are saying that we fell through a wormhole and are on an alien planet?” I asked, putting everything together in my head as I spoke.

She frowned for a moment then asked, “A wormhole is a space-time anomaly and not a hole left by a worm, right?”

I nodded.

“Then yes,” suddenly her eyes went wide, she gasped and bounced from hoof to hoof in an adorable little happy dance. Then her voice filled my head,

A bug girl just squeed at making first contact, with me. I was on an alien planet. Talking to an alien. Who apparently was a telepathic pony-like bug girl.

She beamed a huge, delighted grin at me and asked, “We have been watching the dramatized recordings of your Federation’s hero’s missions for generations! It’s an honor to meet you! You won’t be stranded here, we have a subspace transmitter working at the hive and you know the Federation frequencies so you can call them to pick you up.”

“Y-you do?” I asked thoroughly confused. What was she even talking about? Why was she treating me like a member of Starfleet?

As she nodded happily in response, I remembered that I was in a fleet uniform. She said her species watched… Oh no, her species had been watching Star Trek. They thought the show as some sort of retelling of real missions, I was trapped in a real life version of Galaxy Quest.

I opened my mouth to explain that this was just a costume but stopped as my sense of self-preservation kicked in. If her species thought Trek was real, and had for generations, nothing I could say would make her stop believing that false reality. Especially not when a living breathing human was standing in front of her in a fleet uniform. If I said the uniform was fake, she would conclude I was impersonating an officer.

A quote from Ghost Busters came to mind, ‘When someone asks you if you’re god, you say yes!’ I threw on a smile and nodded. “That’s great! Two more of my crew are over the hill behind me with our ground vehicle. We were camping out while on shore leave and well I guess chanced upon a spacial rift. My name’s Lieutenant Munro what’s-”

Her jaw dropped. “The Lieutenant Munro?”

“No, he was my great grandfather,” I lied. Thank god I played so many RPG’s, coming up with a character on the fly was practically my special talent. It was partially true anyways, my great grandfather was a Lieutenant in World War Two.

Ignoring how an alien species got ahold of a copy of a videogame for now, I asked again, “What's your name?”

“Oh!” she snapped one foreleg up into a salute, “Ensign Ad’ika, Scout for the Emerald Hive currently assigned to keep an eye on…” Her face fell. “Er- I was assigned… Sort of botched it. The Captain asked me to check out the anomaly you arrived in and the ponies saw me in my real form. Thanks for saving me! They seriously would have killed me if you hadn’t been there.”

I mentally face palmed, they even modeled their civilization after Starfleet. I was on the planet of the nerds. “Hey no problem, I like insectoids.”

I blinked, fully realizing that I was standing on an alien planet. I, Tess Munro, lowly gas station attendant, was the second human to set foot on an alien world, the first human to make first contact with a weirdly cute alien species. I laughed and felt myself grin as wide as I could. If I wasn’t dreaming, life just went from the worst thing ever, to the best thing ever.

There was only one way I could make sure I wasn't dreaming, or having the first break where I felt something. I would have to see if Kaily and Ed could see Ad’ika too. “Would you like to meet my Captain and girlfriend?”

A telepathic squee and rapid series of nods indicated her answer was yes.

Jump to top

3 - Do we stay, or do we go? & Medical Emergency

Chief Engineer’s Log: August 10th, 1502

Sorry Tess, but Ed wins the dating system war. It makes no sense to use the stardate when none of our clocks do. The math is easy, but doing it every time we want to write down the time is just irritating.

Oh stop complaining about proper procedure and go hug the bug girl some more. No seriously, go ahead. I’m not jealous. Just let me do the log entry you asked me to do.

The Sagan wasn’t as banged up as she looked to be. The outer layers of just about everything had been badly sandblasted, and lightning strikes had melted most of the fiberglass skin. The solar panels’ glazing was equally damaged but, aside from one panel which took a direct hit, everything underneath was working just fine according to my multi-meter. In fact, they were running at a much higher efficiency than they should have been, most likely due to leftover electrons in the system from the lightning strikes.

The worst of the damage was a ruptured power cell which looked to have had all the energy of a lightning bolt go right through it. It was a simple matter to bypass the damaged cell, and the remaining ones should have enough power for us to get home on. Ed had some spare parts back home where a proper fix could be done.

I closed the access hatch in the kitchen floor and locked it into place. “Right, that should do it. See if the motors start up.”

Ed turned the key and after a few seconds the buzz of the Sagan’s electric motors hummed softly. “Looks like we’re all good. It looks like were losing charge in the batteries faster than normal, but we are getting enough sun to move on solar alone if we have to. We should be able to make it a few hundred miles.”

“Good. That will get us to Lancaster. I have work tomorrow, but I’ll stay over until we can get this girl fixed up, ok?”

“Sounds- Oh hey, Tess’s back,” Ed’s voice suddenly took on a concerned tone, “She looks… um-you got her meds, right?”

I facepalmed, realizing we had sent Tess off on her own after a really stressful accident. “Dammit… Yeah, it’s in my pocket. I should have realized she wouldn’t be ok. I could have sworn she took her meds this morning.”

I stood up, fished the small packet of two pills out of my right pocket, and moved to open the door only to have Tess quickly open it from the outside, step in, and close it before moving directly into a rant, “Ok so one of three things is going on: option A, I am having a psychotic break; option B, I am dreaming; or option C, this is actually happening. Due to the fact that my ribs are still hurting from that kick, I am pretty sure that it’s option C. So I need you two to play along for a second while I check to see if I’ve snapped or literally the best thing ever just happened. I am going to walk back outside and come back in just a minute. If I have someone else with me for the love of god pretend to actually be Starfleet members, because this is a ‘if someone asks if you are god scenario.’ If I come back alone, Kaily please fetch my meds and we will need to schedule an appointment with Doctor Kessler because I’m getting a sense of touch with my hallucinations now. Right back in a sec!”

“Wait what?” Ed and I asked together.

Tess sighed. “It’s simple. If I come back with an alien bug girl, roleplay as a Federation officer. Because that means we fell through a wormhole and are on an alien planet and they apparently went all Galaxy Quest.”

Before I could stop her, Tess stepped out of the RV and started to jog back over the hill she had gone to a second ago. “Okay this is a bad one. Ed, if she goes crazy help me get her still so I can get her to take her meds,” I groaned.

“Way ahead of you,” he sighed.

It’s a terrifying thing to see a loved one in the grips of mental illness. A lot of people have grandparents with dementia or alzheimer's, and while that’s a sad situation at least it’s because they are old. When it’s someone your own age completely caught in a false reality, there’s the added horror of realizing that it could just as easily be you.

Ed and I climbed out of the Sagan just as Tess stopped about halfway up the hill and shouted, “Ok, they know you're coming now.”

Ed sighed, “Yep she-”

He stopped mid sentence as a large, glossy, black colored insect-like creature poked it’s head over the top of the hill. I felt my heart skip a beat as the creature stepped over the hill top and started jogging towards us. It was a big, black and green four-legged bug.

I hate bugs. They trigger a deep primal urge to squish them in me. An urge I felt the second I saw the four foot tall insect until it was about thirty yards away from me. In that instant the creepy, terrifying, disgusting feeling I get from insects vanished. As if someone flipped a switch, I noticed all the various small details about the creature like it’s large eyes, human-like mouth, happy expression, and hair cut shaped mane which made it look absolutely adorable.

“The fuck? Did that thing just turn cute?” I asked, turning to look at Ed.

He nodded slowly. “Yeah… I guess it was just too far away to see the little fangs and her expression.”

“How do you know it’s a female?” I asked curiously, my brain trying to piece together why my opinion suddenly changed.

“Well it looks like an ant, aren't all ants female?” he asked, “Besides, look at her face, that’s a female face.”

I looked again. It was a female face! She had a clearly female face, much like the sort you would see on any given anthro character. I could see how my instinctive responses toward insects would make me ignore her people-like features, but what had made me notice them?

When she got close enough I simply noticed, like my brain was asked to take another kinder look at her. She had made me notice them! She was an insect, but a highly evolved one; perhaps she had some sort of pheromone signature which humans just so happened to like. If so, that could be a defence mechanism or a weapon.

Before I could decide which was more likely, and whether or not we were going to be attacked by some sort of quadrupedal predatory insect, Tess and the creature walked up to Ed and I. The bug girl raised a foreleg and actually waved before saying, in English, “Hi! It’s an honor to meet members of Starfleet! My people have been hoping to contact you for generations!”

Ed’s jaw dropped. “You speak English? How does an alien bug girl speak English?”

“Son of a bitch!” I cursed under my breath, “The ‘Aliens Speaking English’ trope applies to real life!” This was a bitter disappointment to me, I always had a soft spot for ‘First Contact Math’ stories.

“Er- I was taught it in school. We watch your species recordings all the time and translators spells take up too much power. It’s best to learn the language yourself,” she replied, ears drooping a little.

It suddenly hit me that I was talking to an alien. I’m not an idiot or anything, it’s just that this was so alien to my normal daily life that my brain needed to catch up with what was happening. Tess had said we somehow were on an alien world, that she had found an alien, that they thought we were members of Starfleet, and that she was pretty sure things would go ‘angry natives’ if we didn’t play along. Since she apparently wasn't having an episode, I had to trust her judgement.

Clearing my throat, I knelt down to get closer to eye level with her and held out a hand. “Sorry, you just took us by surprise. I’m Lieutenant Commander Kaily Munro, I’m guessing you met my wife Tess.”

“Ensign Ad’ika, Scout for the Hive,” she replied shaking my hand with her hoof. To my amazement, she somehow was able to grip my hand and even gave it a firm squeeze like a proper handshake. Apparently her species had some form of tactile telekinesis.

“C-captain Tylor, nice to meet you,” Ed stammered.

“May I ask a question?” I asked as I stood back up.

“I’m happy to answer anything I can!” the bug girl, Ad’ika, replied.

“Our species is normally disgusted by insects. I was myself until you got closer. Can you explain that?” I asked, eyes narrowing suspiciously.

To my surprise she nodded. “Yes, my species emits a pheromonal agent which is meant to calm prey. It doesn't work on everything, and in fact it makes a lot of species nervous. Er- Don’t worry we’re not carnivores. I’m not going to hurt you or anything.”

Ed frowned and went to ask the obvious question, but Tess beat him to it. “Hold on, you have a calming aura to hunt prey with but you are not a carnivore? Does this planet have walking plants?”

“Wait, this planet? This isn’t Earth?” Ed asked quickly.

Ad’ika shook her head. “No, you came out of a… wormhole?” she asked looking up at Tess

Tess nodded. “That’s the right word.”

“I was asked to check it out by my Captain. For the record, this is my homeworld. Its name is Equis and its star is named Celestia but that will change if there ever is a new Princess of the Sun.” Ad’ika blinked, and flashed a silly grin. “Oh! Almost forgot. You asked what we eat. We’re emotivores, we feed on the energy left over from a sentient creature’s emotions. You know, sort of like the Drella of Alpha Carinae Five. Only we have solid bodies.”

“Excuse me for a moment, I need to talk to my crew in private. We have to discuss proper first contact procedures.” Ed said slowly, choosing each word carefully, “Wait here while we talk aboard the Sagan. It won't take long.”

She frowned, looking like a puppy someone just yelled at. “Ok… but please don’t take too long. The two pegasi Lieutenant Munro drove off might get reinforcements.”

“What?” Ed and I asked together.

“There appear to be multiple sentient lifeforms on this planet sir,” Tess answered, “Ad’ika was fleeing two winged horse-like aliens of a similar size and build to her when I encountered her. Since she called for my help and mentioned the Federation by name I assisted as instructed by Section Eleven of the Prime Directive. In doing so I broke at least one rib in one of her attackers. They were sporting armor with matching emblems so it is very likely they are a part of a military or security force. She claims their species kills her kind on sight.”

That would have been good information to know sooner. “We will be very quick, I promise. But we must be sure we are doing the right thing given the circumstances,” I said, attempting to soothe things over. Pheromones making me like her or not, Ad’ika was definitely a sentient creature. Her feelings mattered.

Ed nodded and quickly walked into the RV. Tess and I entered just behind him, and the second I closed the door Ed hissed, “Are you insane! You see an alien and just attack it?”

“I thought I was having a psychotic break!” Tess hissed back.

Ed bit his lip, then nodded. “Okay, that’s fair. But we are stranded on an alien planet and now-”

Ed stopped, blinked twice, then grinned. “We’re on an alien planet!”

I grinned too. “I know!”

Tess nodded eagerly. “We just talked to a real alien, and she’s adorable!”

“Well yeah, but that’s alien pheromones talking,” Ed said pursing his lips. I could tell he didn’t like the idea of being influenced like that.

“Ed, you have seen my porn folder. I’d like her anyways,” Tess informed teasingly.

“Ugh, don’t remind me. I am never using your computer again,” Ed groaned.

“Hold on, since when have you liked quadrupeds?” I asked curiously. Tess normally told me everything, even the kinda gross stuff.

“I don’t, I guess changelings are just an exception. Besides they are sentient. So it’s not bestiality even if she has four legs,” she said with a smile, “I wonder if she would let me hug her?”

“Can we not talk about this?” Ed begged.

“Sorry,” I apologized, “We should figure out what to do, and quick. Wait, her species’ name is changelings?”

“Yeah why?”

I rubbed my chin in thought. “She said she eats emotions, and changelings are a type of fairy in Irish folklore that feed on love. That probably means she translated her species name, which implies they know a lot about human culture and history, so they likely have computers or other advanced technology.”

Ed’s eyes lit up. “Maybe they have some stuff they wouldn’t mind giving us, or trading. I have some stuff in here we could part with.”

“She told me her hive has a working subspace transmitter. So if you want to go home, it’s probably a good idea to see if she will take us to her leader,” Tess said in a bitter tone.

Her tone caught my attention. She only used that particular low, harsh, buzzing tone when she was thinking about something which upset her a lot. “Hon, what's wrong?”

Tess squirmed for a moment then opened up with a sigh. “I just saved a bug girl’s life by fighting off two pegasi with my fists. That’s basically a fantasy of mine since, like, ever minus the pegasi I mean. It’s usually goblins or somthing. Also the bug girl is normally a biped. This world is awesome, I don’t want to go back to ringing up people’s booze. But you two probably want to go home, or at least will once the thrill of being here wears off… I don’t want to choose between you guys and-”

Ed cut her off, “Are you out of your goddamned mind?”

Tess’s face turned red, I could almost feel the anger welling up in her as Ed just insulted her feelings like that.

“Why the hell would I want to leave either?” Ed demanded, “To quote No Game No Life, ‘Usually in a story, when the protagonists end up in another world, they try their best to find a way home. Why would they try to go back to a world like that?’.”

Tess’s face scrunched up. That wasn’t the reply she had expected. “Huh?”

“You just punched out a mythological creature to save a bug alien,” I reminded, “We are somewhere actually interesting, and apparently there is a whole community of people who want to see us. Now, Trek science may not be real, but I’m smart enough to pick up how whatever tech they use is working if I can see it’s manual. I can pass as an engineer, you definitely can pass as a security officer Ms. Punches Pegasi, and Ed shouldn’t screw up playing captain too hard.”

“Hey!” Ed objected irritably, “Is that how this is going to go? Well think again! I’m in charge here by virtue of our little deception and that means I am going to do a good job of things! Now, lets figure out a quick and simple cover story to use with these… changelings and see where the wind takes us.”

Tess beamed us a smile. “Thank god! I’m sorry for doubting you guys… One condition though… Kaily, remember when we decided we would have an open relationship?”

I groaned, “Yes… do you have to go Captain Kirk on the locals?”

She nodded. “They are cute, and apparently eat emotions. Also you’ve seen-”

I cut her off with a raised hand. “Yes, hon. I know. Don’t squick Ed.”

Tess wouldn’t just drop this, she gushed over alien species from fiction too much to just ignore the… possibilities when given the chance to try her fantasies in reality. The only way I could convey the stupidity of her desire to boink the bug girl was to go full science on her, “I suppose that she count’s as a person, so I wont take offence if you try to pursue a relationship with her or given she is an insect, her several hundred siblings. However, you need to keep in mind this is not one of your hentai games. You don’t know what diseases she might be carrying, so if you do somehow seduce her, I won't do anything with you until if or when we find a doctor who can assure me it’s safe. Furthermore, she may not even have sex. Many insects reproduce via cloning, but if she does reproduce, it’s safe to assume that means she will lay eggs inside of you. Now since many insects larva eat their way out of a host organism-”

Tess put a finger over my lips. “Yeah I know. I’m not stupid, I obviously am going to ask if it would be safe first. But still, I kinda have to try. It’s like if you ran into a catgirl.”

I groaned. She had a very good point, stupid sexy catgirls. “Stupid point making xenophilic wife… Fine, but I am serious! Make sure it’s safe first, see a doctor.”

“Can we please stop talking about interspecies sex? Thank you. I’m going to let her know that she can come aboard so we can get out of here,” Ed informed quickly.

As he moved to open the door I couldn’t help but sigh. Knowing Tess’s love of aliens, I would have to get used to the idea of living in a three way relationship inside of three months. On the upside, life had finally given me something interesting to experience!

“Hold on a moment,” I said.

“What for?” Ed asked.

“We need to start off living on an alien planet properly,” clearing my throat I intoned, “Space: The final frontier.”

Ed caught on instantly. He grinned and added, “These are the voyages of the Winnebago Sagan.”

“It’s indefinite mission,” Tess gleefully added, “To explore a strange new world, to seek out new life and new civilizations.”

I held up one hand and counted down from three on my fingers. When I reached zero we all said in unison, “To boldly go where no one has gone before!”

I smiled, silently adding, ‘Thanks for a reason to live universe. I owe you one.’

Ad’ika's Personal Log: 12th of Harvestide '09 EoH

I have to admit, my heart fell a bit as they got into their vehicle without me. I was certain they wouldn't just go somewhere without telling me, and it looked to be about the size of a shuttle craft so it probably had living quarters. Also I’m pretty sure my Captain would want to consult the regulations and his crew before proceeding with an unexpected first contact too.

Still, I just got to meet real live humans! That’s a dream for almost every single Emerald in the Hive. Mostly because we want to get Queen Phoenix up and running so we can go to space too, but a lot of us really like humans. It’s their appearance really, bipeds are just cool. Also, humans’ various fun bits are spread out where if you snuggled one from the back your hooves would each have something to grope.

I guess you could call them fetishized aliens, but not in the way you think. We lack the taboos most species have when it comes to sex. It’s a part of eating love, we’re taught from an early age how to make creatures feel it so we can eat it. Sex is an easy, fun, and generally safe way to do that, and one of our best hunting strategies. While enjoyable, it’s not the same for us as it is for other species.

To a changeling, the biggest way to express love and appreciation for someone is to cuddle with it. It’s not something I could easily explain, it’s just a thing we do. What do you do with friends, loved ones, general acquaintances you actually like? Cuddle with them.

Mostly I just wanted to snuggle up with a human, they just look comfy. Of course snuggles tended to make me hungry, and well there’s someone else right there who can whip up a good meal for me pretty easily, but I doubt I could even get that far with Tess. Their Chief Engineer mentioned their species didn’t like insects much.

So, despite my curiosity about how humans looked under their uniforms, and that ‘snugglebug urge’ I’d been having since I saw Ms. Munro, I would have to make sure she was ok with the idea. Then make sure she was ok with a few other ideas. One of which being letting me take a photo. I have a pony pen pal who just might go and murder me if I don't get her a photo.

There was one more thing to think about, if she and I did do more then snuggle sometimes would we be ok? I mean, that would probably be fun and nice and exotic, but who knows what could happen? Changelings can breed with lots of different species, so who knows what could happen with aliens?

A sister of mine almost died from her pregnancy with two pony hybrids. She knew sleeping with a male pony could result in her giving live birth, but she went ahead anyways. It took three doctors and Queen Phoenix's help to save her and the foals. I’m glad they saved everyone. We could use more hybrids in the hive, they have extra tasty emotions.

While I really wanted to just glomp Tess, I knew I should wait until I could ask Queen Phoenix if there would be problems. She should be able to answer that question. It wasn’t about advanced technology, and with a real life human there… My eyes widened as the full realization of what three humans on Equis meant.

Closing my eyes I opened my hive-link and sent a message to Captain Skriit.

The reply came instantly,

I spent a minute filling the Captain in on what had happened. My escape, rescue, and first contact. He listened patiently as I explained everything I could then asked,

Captain Skriit’s voice took on a tone of glee, desperation, and extra authority as he spoke.

I winced and lay down in the sand. Her Highness’s artificial telepathy was far more powerful than a changeling’s mind was meant to take. She toned it down as best she could but most ‘lings get headaches or migraines from her. It’s not her fault her transceivers have a minimum power threshold.

The second I felt her connect to my link my head started to pound. Queen Phoenix's powerful and mind consuming, yet kind and motherly voice filled my mind. Her speech resolved into words after she stopped talking and I could resume thinking.

A tinge of fear filled my mind. If they couldn’t live here for long, what would interacting with me do? Would I be sick? Could my hoof shake have killed their Chief Engineer? Gulping nervously, I replied,

A spike of pain rippled through me as Her Highness increased her link’s power in order to to read my memories. I hated it when she did that, it made me feel powerless, but I can’t blame her for doing it. She can not disobey her creator’s programming even if she wants to, and she is programed to ensure mental health.

I sat up slowly, wishing I could do the pony thing of rubbing my head to make the headache go away. “Stupid insectoid non-centralized brains... “ I muttered irritably.

As Her Highness’s words sank in I tilted my head curiously. Human pheromones make me like them? Why? How did she know that? I supposed she simulated us interacting, after all she did have files on human anatomy. The idea didn’t upset me, if hanging out with humans meant I would feel like cuddling up with one that’s fine. I wanted to before I met real ones anyway.

“Hold on,” I muttered to myself, “she said perfectly compatible.” I reached into my saddlebag and dug out part of my Scout’s kit I hadn’t used in years.

Every Scout is issued certain equipment to make our jobs easier. Since we are meant to direct Harvesters to food, one piece of equipment Queen Phoenix designed for us was a small lens which could detect emotional energy, guide us too it, and display exactly how much someone had which we could safely take. Sure, a changeling can do that on our own, but the device did it at a better range, the precise measurement was nice, it let us use our normal eyesight while still seeing food, and looked really cool.

Since they basically did a Scout’s job for them we called them scouters. Our Queen laughed for an hour when she learned what we had taken to calling them. Apparently she was inspired to make them after seeing a similar device from an ancient entertainment program stored in her databanks. I guess it was kinda funny that we called them the same thing as the show did, but I mean, what else are you going to call a small food locating sensor?

I stuck my scouter on to the side of my head under my left ear, blinked in irritation as my left eye’s vision was suddenly tinted pink, and tapped the scan button. Instantly three sharp points of white light blinked into existence on the lense. Focusing my vision on one I sparked the scouter with just a hair of magic, asking it to focus on just the one I was looking at.

After a moment the scouter displayed the energy reading and my jaw dropped. The reading of 9.02 kilohugs wasn’t too impressive, most species produced comparable amounts. The crazy thing was the energy efficiency of their emotions. Unable to believe the data I tapped scan again, then again, and again.

The conclusion was inescapable. Human emotions have a 93 percent energy efficiency. If I was to feed off them only seven percent of the energy would be lost. This was insane! Ponies held the highest energy efficiency at 38 percent, to get a day’s worth of food we had to extract several thousand extra kilohugs per pony which meant the pony was at risk of injury from having too much energy drained. A human would be perfectly fine.

Suddenly the vehicle's door opened and Captain Tylor leaned out, “Hey we would like to- Where did you get a scouter? Wait, scratch that, how do you even- I… what?” His face scrunched up into what was easily the single most confused expression I had ever seen a living creature make.

“Er- Queen Phoenix makes them so we can find food easier. She said she based the design on an old program,” I explained.

He was silent for a few minutes before asking, “So, your species has produced scouters and uses them to find love, which you eat? How would you display love as a power level?”

That was an easy question to answer. “We measure love in a unit called the hug. It’s named after, well hugs. One hug is equal to the amount of emotional energy produced by a loving couple’s hug after twenty-eight hours apart. Well, at least, on average. The same act could produce a kilohug depending on how much each loves the other. We’re working on a better definition… but that’s hard for emotional physics.”

“You measure love in hugs,” he laughed, slamming a fist into the side of the vehicle, “That’s amazing… Hold on, if that’s meant to help you find food, are you hungry?”

I nodded.

“Come on in. My crew and I would like to accept your invitation to visit your hive. I will be driving, but I am sure that you can convince Lieutenant Munro to let you eat her out- er I mean munch on some- No, bad brain!” Captain Tylor leaned into the vehicle's cabin and shouted, “God damn it Tess! Now I can’t think about how to feed her without thinking of changelingus… Son of a whore!”

I giggled at his easily flustered nature. Thank goodness this Starfleet Captain wasn’t some stick up the butt regulations machine. “Actually, my-”

“Fuck you Ed!” Kaily interrupted, “You have known her species name for all of five minutes and you already use it to make the worst pun I have ever heard!”

“I know! I’m sorry! This is all Tess’s fault!” he moaned in response.

“Er- if I could-” I tried to speak again.

“Well now that you just blew my chance at possibly getting together with her maybe we can get going?” Tess growled from inside the cabin.

This is exactly why I hate vocal communication. Focusing my mind to send my thoughts to everything within the vehicle I said,

“You don’t say,” Ed mumbled, “How about some warning next time you intrude into our brains?”

I apologised.

“Oh. Sorry, I feel like a dick now,” Ed appologised, “What were you trying to say?”

“Oh fuck!” Tess exclaimed, “How did we space the idea of a deadly alien atmosphere?”

Before their panic could set in I shouted,

“How can you be sure she can help us? Oh god! It’s an alien sun, who knows what kind of radiation exposure were getting?” Kaily said, sounding panicked.

I said soothingly.

Ed stepped into the cabin, leaving the door open behind him. “Right! Ignoring why and how for now, lets get going before we die from alien ebola. Ad’ika, please help me navigate.”

I hopped into the vehicle and blinked. The interior was nothing like what I expected. The recordings showed human built vessels as being mostly grey with square rooms and objects, with full color computer displays. This vehicle however featured rounded shapes and arches in it’s design, and the few displays I could see were high contrast orange and black vector panels.

Realizing I was just gaping at the scenery, I closed the door with my telekinesis.

“Woah!” Tess exclaimed, “Did you just telekinetically close the door?” As she asked, she looked at me with an expression I really hoped wasn’t hunger.

“Yes. My species is able to use magic to a small degree. I will happily show you once I show your Captain the way to our hive.”

“Magic?” Kaily asked curiously.

“I’m not a mage, I couldn’t explain it to you in full if I wanted to. Some of our Royals have compared our abilities to a few of the alien species seen in your documents though.” I looked around, spotted a small section with two chairs at the vehicle's noise and pointed at it with a hoof. “Is that the cockpit?”

Ed leaned around one of the chairs which had hidden him from my view. “Yes. Sit down and help me get going.”

I looked at the chair, and noticed a five point harness attached to the seat. I assumed it was for keeping you in place when the vehicle was moving over rough terrain or in turbulence. That meant it would be a good idea to buckle in, but unfortunately my body wouldn’t fit comfortably into the seat and it was a two day flight to the hive. I didn’t want to sit on my back for that long. “I’ll be there in just a moment.”

Turning around I looked at Tess curiously for a few minutes, studying her shape and how she moved. I was familiar with apes already and humans were clearly descended from them. Also I was very familiar with humans thanks to watching Trek. It shouldn’t be too hard to adjust my mental template to take a human shape. The only problem was I didn’t know how they looked without the clothing in the way, and I was not skilled enough to morph clothing yet.

“That seat won't be comfortable to sit in, so I want to shapechange into a human form to fit-”

Tess’s eyes bugged out of her head for a moment, it was fascinatingly creepy. “You’re a shapeshifter?” she exclaimed.

I nodded. “Yes. It’s what my species is best known for. We take the shape of other species and use that to blend in and get food… anyways I would like to take a human form so I can sit comfortably. Could you take off your uniform? I’ll need to get a good look at you. Or any of you, I’m not picky.”

Much to my confusion, there was a full five minutes of awkward silence. Kaily suddenly cleared her throat. “Humans have a nudity taboo. We usually only undress for loved ones and to bathe.”

Oops. Well now I felt awkward, I hadn’t even considered how their culture might work. Some ambassador I was. I giggled nervously. “Oh, sorry! Er… I’ve never heard of any species like that. I’ll just take a shape kinda like yours then. I doubt you have a spare uniform for me to use and well I don't want to be rude.”

I closed my eyes and focused. Deciding to confuse them as little as possible, I focused on my own shape. Every curve of my exoskeleton, every vein in my wings, my mane and tail, mouth, nose, eyes. I pictured them as clearly as I could, rearranged them to fit a human-like shape, envisioned my hooves as hands, my hands as feet, my torso as having those two bouncy bumps human females had. I pictured me but as human as possible, while still remaining myself.

I felt the tingle of my magic as I shifted, green flames engulfing my body for an instant. I opened my eyes, flexed my new fingers curiously, then watched as Tess turned beet red and fell over unconscious. “Oh my gosh! Is she ok? Her Highness said magical energy could be harmful to you I didn’t think-”

Kaily held up a hand. “It’s fine! She just fainted because you turned into her desktop image.” Kaily helped her up into a seat along one wall and buckled her in. “She will wake up in a minute or two. Just… warn her before you do that again. As awesome as it is Tess, well, she likes bugs.”

“Oh. So this form is highly arousing to her?” I asked.

She nodded. “Yes. You might want to…” Kaily trailed off then sighed. “Ok, full disclosure. Tess and I are a couple, but we have an open relationship. She found you cute in your previous form, but now that she knows you are a shapeshifter she will likely be all over you. Just… If you don’t want to be more than friends with her please let her down gently, ok?”

I nodded slowly. “I promise I will if it comes to that.” I doubted it would. She was very snuggly looking, apparently a god damn buffet for a changeling, and would likely want to stick with me. Why would I reject someone like that?

I slipped into the other seat in the vehicle's cabin. “Okay so we need to go east. It’s a two day long flight at my cruising speed. How fast can this go?”

“On this terrain? Probably about one hundred and forty kilometers per- Woah!” Ed exclaimed as he finally turned to look at me. Clearing his throat Ed called, “Kaily? I have a bathrobe in the top left drawer in the bathroom. Please get it for our guest. So, what direction do we go?”

“From here?” I took a few seconds to think. “Head east by one hundred and ten degrees.”

Ed nodded, turned a key, and with a hum the vehicle started moving. “Make it so!” I added teasingly.

“Oi,” Ed exclaimed, “That’s my bit.”

Jump to top

4 - When in Alien Rome & The Hive Queen

Tess’s Personal Log: Stardate… August 10th…

Well, fine. If you spoilsports won't do it, I won't either. It would have been fun! Besides, who knows maybe the whole ‘slingshot around the sun’ thing works and we could get some asshole to post it on the web for us and some guy might have found it funny, or somthing.

Well, duh Phoenix! I know that gravity does not work that way. I may not be a science geek but I still like me some science. It was a joke, admittedly not as good a joke as what you did to Ed. Kudos for that. I’m still giggling about it. Anyways, I should get to the log.

I awoke on the RV’s couch in a daze. As I sat up I noticed Kaily talking to someone hidden from my view by the sink. I seemed to recall a rather nice fantasy of picking up a hot anthro bug girl while on an alien planet. “Awww man… That one was awesome.” I groaned wistfully.

“Good dream?” Kaily asked. She turned to look over her shoulder at me.

“Yeah, we picked up a cute shapechanging bug girl. I was hoping it would have lasted long enough for a date… The good ones never do,” I answered.

A raven haired French looking human girl came into view, stretching to see me over the sink. “We can totally do a date if you want!” She winked at me, and suddenly her body was consumed in green fire leaving behind the humanoid version of the alien bug girl from what I had assumed was a psychotic break induced fantasy.

I felt my heart seize up. The world grayed out for an instant before coming back into focus. I sat bolt upright, eyes fixed on… a hot anthro bug girl in an olive green bathrobe. “Sweet! It’s still going on! Your name was Ad’ika right? I’ll take you up on that date, lunch, right now, before I snap out of it for real.”

“Tess, this is actually happening.” Ed called from the driver’s seat. He sounded like he didn't believe it.

Kaily nodded in agreement. She held up my pill bottle and shook it. Nothing rattled around inside. “You’re out of meds. We packed only enough for the trip. This is actually happening. If you seriously doubt us, you should probably treat it like the real thing. You don’t want to scare her off.”

Ad’ika smiled and sat back down, “I do not know how Human dating works, but she’s fine. Changelings are very direct about our attractions and desires. I’ll prove it, I would enjoy snuggling with any of you because you look comfortable to cuddle. Also whatever the soft squishy things your females have on their chests are called, they look like they would make nice pillows. Seriously, you guys look like you are designed for snuggles. It’s not fair.”

Kaily sat there in silent shock for a few moments as I squeed. At last Kaily held her face in her hands and groaned, “Oh my god, the first alien ever encountered is a xenophile…”

“Xenophile?” Ad’ika asked.

I smiled at her. “It means someone who is attracted to alien or foreign cultures, customs, or appearances. In this case Kaily means you have an attraction to creatures outside your own species. But I mean that makes sense, your planet has multiple sentient species. Now, see, it doesn't make any sense for me. I like non human species over my own… But nothing in our species history exists which would make that have any sorta sense to it.”

She nodded, seemingly interesting. Then she paused, “Wait, so you mean you are sexualy attracted to me?”

Jackpot! This trip was finally going where I wanted it to. “Yeah! You are much more attractive as a humanoid though.”

“I thought you were just having an extreme reaction to my scent.” Ad’ika grinned and squirmed in her seat a little shyly. Turning to Kaily she asked. “Did she have any attractions before she met me? I want to make sure that she’s not being manipulated or-”

Kaily picked up my laptop, opened the screen and turned it around. “This is the desktop image she has used for the last three months. You tell me.”

“Kaily!” I snapped, “I’m trying to-”

“Hey that’s pretty cool!” Ad’ika exclaimed as she studied. “If this species is that pretty in the visible spectrum they must be a riot in UV! What do you like most about them? I like the quadrupedal lower body segment that has advantages and when paired with the human like upper body… I don’t like that thorax though. If I ever learned this form I’d try and integrate it into one single body segment. More like a centaur’s.”

Double jackpot! I grinned and slid over to the table and gently took my laptop, “Here, let me see that a minute.”

I quickly clicked through a few folders until I had my stash of pervy and not so pervy insectoid art. “These are just pieces of fantasy art, but you might appreciate them. So, you are saying that she would be cute like this? Because I so agree.”

I opened the alternant image for Ad’ika to see and turned the screen a little so she wouldn’t have to crane her neck. She nodded, “Yeah that’s much better! That abdomen would have made it hard to mount her… Is it just me or is her chest bumps things a bit smaller in this drawing?”

“It’s not just you. The guy who paid for this version to be drawn asked for smaller ones. The jerk. Those are called boobs by the way.” I commented.

“What are they for? I have some bits riding on ‘food reserve containers’.” Ad’ika commented.

“Lot’s of things. Attracting a mate, sexual pleasure, feeding children, feeling better than other women because yours are bigger, and like you said, they make good pillows. Especially Kaily’s.”

Ad’ika blinked and looked between Kaily and I for a few moments, “Oh… you two are together.”

“Were not monogamous.” Kaily answered, “Well, most humans are, but lots of people from our generation aren't. Go ahead. Do your thing Tess and alien clone of Tess. I’m going to keep Ed company.”

I stuck my tongue out at her as Kaily got up and sat down in the passenger's seat. Then I turned my attention back to my laptop, and because Ad’ika was into it too, started to show off my collection. After a few dozen pictures Ad’ika stopped me by pointing to the screen, “Hey I could totally do that one!”

I blinked in surprise. The picture in question was remarkably like a changeling, in fact it was close to her current form, just mega busty, almost hyper levels of busty. Also the waist was appropriately waspish, and instead of the fullplate like exoskeleton Ad’ika was currently sporting the drawing’s exo was smooth and streamlined. Basically a super busty, sunble anthro bug girl with cute lady bug patterned wing covers, and a pair of ovipositors.

“R-really?” I asked, blushing a little.

“Yeah. Tell you what, I’ll make you a deal. If you let me feed off you I’ll take that form whenever you like.”

“You’re serious?” I asked. Usually girls were not this accepting, even in my fantasies.

“Well, to be fair I’m going to do it anyways.” She giggled, but then cleared her throat and put on a more serious expression. “Look, I get that you want to screw me. That’s totally fine! Everyling sleeps with her friends. It’s just how our culture works, but… I’m going to be honest with you. I would like to be friends, best friends in fact with an adorable alien. Now, from what I can tell, humans work like ponies with their sexual relationships. You seem like you guys establish a relationship strictly for sex and sometimes companionship comes with it. That’s not how changelings do it, and since I am not undercover I would like this to be a real relationship.”

Oh snap this was actually happening. I had just showed a really hot bug girl I wanted to bang my porn collection of creatures like her, and she actually existed. “Oh… crap… ummm…. Sorry for treating you like just an orifice-”

“Oh no that was actually very sweet of you! It made me feel welcome.” Ad’ika said with a smile.

“What? Why? How?” I asked in surprise.

“Like I said, we’re a casual species. I would like to do a traditional changeling form of relationship with you. We form small clusters of individuals who in the human sense are friends, but sexualy active. We don’t do marriage, we don’t do any official commitments, only the bond between individuals and their desire to keep everyone in their personal cluster happy matters,” Ad’ika giggled, “I explained this to a pony friend once and she thought it sounded cold… But it isn’t it’s just as loving as any other form of romance, but we always leave room in our hearts for anyling, or anyone else who might fit into the cluster.”

“That sounds like it keeps your hives really close knit.” Kaily called from the cab. “Though disease must be a problem.”

Ad’ika nodded, “That’s the point. A large group of lovers who may have lovers outside your group helps the community feel more like a big family. As for disease, our hive cannot become ill. Our Queen’s technology has removed desease from our lives entirely. Er- cyber technology which uses nanites to replace the natural immune system. All Emerald Hive members get the implant for free and it simply disassembles anything that enters your body which isn't food or a part of you or another person.”

“So,” I began, “you would like to be my friend, and we just have sex on the side?”

She nodded. Now that I was sure I understood what she was talking about doing, I could offer my own ideas.

“Tell you what. I’ll take that deal, but you have to accept a few human ideas. When we find a lover we really like, we do things like sleep together, go on dates, spend time alone-”

“Oh! Like best friends!” Ad’ika beamed, “Being best friends with an alien is a squish list item of mine. I accept!”

“Squish list?” Ed, Kaily, and I asked together.

“A list of things you would like to do before you die.” Ad’ika clarified.

I giggled. That was adorable. “Ok then, deal. So do we do anything official?”

“Nah. If you don't mind I would like to eat though. I used a lot of energy today.”

I nodded, “Sure we have some snacks over-”

A full body tingle washed over me as a fine pale green mist rose from my skin and flowed to Ad’ika’s lips like a river of steam. After a few seconds the mist stopped coming off me and the last few wisps vanished down Ad’ika’s throught. A dull throbbing headache hit me like a brick, nothing too bad, but definitely irritating. “Ow… Right… emotavore.”

“Are you ok? Some creatures are very easily hurt by-”

“Fine, just a headache.” I said rubbing my temples.

“R-realy? Just a headache on your first time? That’s weird… but great! Because you are delicious! It’s like your love was made to be eaten! Filling, tasty, and…” Ad’ika trailed off for a minute her eyes focusing on my laptop‘s screen.

“What is it?” I asked curiously.

“C-can you actually do that with a breast?” Ad’ika asked, “Because that seems like a fun place to put a few eggs.”

I could feel Ed and Kaily’s wines from all the way in the cabin. “Lieutenant…” Ed said in a strained tone.

“Yes?”

“Maybe you could finish showing your new friend your porn collection when I am not trying to drive. Or you know, present.” Ed asked.

I giggled, “Sure! Sorry… Wasn’t sure this was real.”

“Yeah it’s fine. Just… stop it.” Ed begged.

Rolling my eyes I leaned in close to Ad’ika and whispered, “Not naturally, but with advanced medical technology, I’m sure something could be arranged.”

Ad’ika said telepathically. “So, let’s trade cultural information!”

Kaily quickly returned to the table, “Now this is a conversation I want to be a part of!”

Chief Engineer’s Log: 12th of Harvestide '09 EoH

The trip to the Emerald Hive took far less time than I thought it would. It was also not very eventful. While Ad’ika was more than happy to talk about her species and learn about our own, Tess kept the conversation mostly focused on her shapechanging. I could already tell Ad’ika had a thing for Tess, so she was more than happy to provide Tess with many fascinating demonstrations of her abilities.

I would have enjoyed them more under different circumstances. I do after all have a degree in astrobiology, and here was an alien girl who could alter her biology in seemingly any way she liked. Simply put, I was jealous of her.

My jealousy wouldn’t prevent me from becoming her friend. My glee at her being a living, breathing, alien ensured we would become friends, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t hurt my feelings. It had taken me years to start a relationship with Tess, I spent countless hours being romantic towards before she realized she had feelings for me. It had surprised me when she told me she hadn’t noticed before because she wasn’t sexualy attracted to humans, but in the end she fell in love with my personality and we had been together ever since.

Yet, with Ad’ika, hardly a day had passed and yet the two of them were already in the first stages of love. Most people think it takes a long time to fall in love, which is factually incorrect. It only takes milliseconds for someone to fall in love.

That’s strictly scientifically speaking of course, most people would call the stage Tess and Ad’ika were at ‘lust’. They forget that all loving relationships begin with lust. It’s only when the lust lasts for a long time that we start thinking of it as being love.

I was a human, Ad’ika was not. Because of Tess’s oddities that meant the instant lust response worked in their case. I wasn’t worried that I would be abandoned by Tess since she found someone far more attractive to her. I was angry that my body didn’t have that sort of attractiveness in my love’s eyes.

If they lasted as a couple for any real length of time, I would have to look into the science behind Ad’ika’s shapechanging. Maybe I could build a device to replicate it. I might also be able to get the power to make Tess’s eyes glow with lust, love, and desire.

These thoughts consumed me for the entire trip. It wasn’t until the Sagan’s radio crackled to life and a female voice began speaking to me that I snapped back to reality.

“Welcome to the Emerald Hive, also known as the TFV Phoenix.” It said, “I am Phoenix, the artificial intelligence in control of this vessel. Judging by your vehicle's damaged state, make, and model, any radio communications tools you may have are likely damaged. As such I do not expect a reply, I am sending this message only to greet you and to request you park your vehicle in Cargo Bay 3. The Airlock will be opening soon and is on your left.”

It sounded exactly like SHODAN, but without the random pitch shifting, time scaling, and that reverberating stuttering thing. “Um...” Tess and I said together wordlessly.

“Whatever you say, Shodan,” Ed muttered from the driver seat, “That has to be a coincidence, right?”

“What do you mean? Is there something wrong with Her Highness's voice?” Ad’ika asked curiously. Her face taking on a concerned look. In her current humanoid form it was much easier for me to read her emotions.

Tess nodded, “I’m sure it’s just a coincidence, but she sounds exactly like an artificial intelligence which bugged out and took control of a space station, killing everyone on board.”

“Oh!” Adi’ka exclaimed brightening up, “My ancestors had to replace her original voice modulator. That’s not how she originally sounded, and it’s ok, all she wants to do is help us. Well, that, and occasionally take potshots at Tazzleworms.” She closed her eyes for a moment then flinched before opening them again, “Ow…”.

The AI’s voice crackled over our radio again, “Clever! I hadn’t thought of relaying information through Ad’ika’s hive link. Please refrain from doing so again, my children cannot handle the higher frequencies I use to emulate their telepathic links. That said, there is nothing to be afraid of. After all...”

The AI’s voice suddenly was accompanied by a background mechanical humm, faint electronic notes, and the other aspects of the SHODAN voice, “... what is it you fear? The end of your trivial existence?”

Before I could panic, the extra creepy qualities of her voice vanished as quickly as they came, “Apologies, I couldn’t resist. For the record, I can not harm you. My programming forbids me from killing non-hostile humans. Additionally, I require a humans services to unlock portions of my programming. We will discuss this in detail when you arrive.”

“Fucking prankster AI…” Ed grumbled sounding more then shaken, “Ah there's the door.”

“Were you on the station Captain Tylor?” Ad’ika asked in concern.

“No, but the whole thing was, um- Made into a training simulation. The idea was to provide a sim which could help train people to react rationally in the worst situations. It… It didn’t work.” he answered steering the Sagan into the cargo bay.

I didn’t see the entrance at first, I had assumed it would be in the large hill a few kilometers away from us. Instead, a large hatch opened in the ground, sand spilling onto a ramp as the door slid apart. The hatch and ramp was maybe a hundred meters wide and perfectly square. It definitely was made for loading and unloading really big things.

Ed drove us inside and parked a short ways from a single changeling who stood by an interior door. He was much taller than Ad’ika, standing about my height. He was just as thin as her normal form though, and his horn looked more like a stinger or blade. Even with my dislike of insects, I had to admit, the red sash he had on to mimic a federation uniform was just adorable. “I’m guessing that’s a male, given the physical differences.”

“That’s Captain Skriit, he probably wants to welcome you before you go to medical.” Ad’ika informed. “Oh! Um, don’t assume someling’s a male if they look like him. He’s a Royal, the whole caste looks like that. Unless you can see in the ultraviolet spectrum you should wait until someling speaks before identifying their gender.”

“Realy? What’s UV have to do with it?” Ed asked as he shut off the engines and unbuckled.

“We have patterns in our exoskeletons which only appear in the UV spectrum. Males have a stripe from nose to back, females don’t.” she explained as she struggled with her own buckle, “How do-”

Ed reached over and unbuckled the straps, “Like that. Right, everyone on your best behavior. We don’t want to offend the leader of a country.”

I nodded, and was about to say something when Tess exclaimed, “Ah ha! I knew I packed it!” then took a flashlight out of her suitcase and clicked it on.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

Tess pointed to the violet glow, “Blacklight. I packed it because I thought we were going to get a hotel room.”

“And what are you doing with it?” I asked, more confused.

Tess pointed the light at Ad’ika, who winces instantly. “Wow that’s really bright!” portions of her exoskeleton glowed slightly purple under the blacklight, revealing a pattern which resembled my tattoo in shape. Rather than being composed of flowers and vines was simply arcing lines.

Tess clicked it off, “That’s awesome! We should take you neon bowling sometime.”

Ed sighed and opened the door, “Come on, let’s behave for five minutes.”

“Did- did you just make my pattern visible to you? How did you do that?” Ad’ika asked completely confused.

“Blacklight. It’s a ultraviolet light, some substances which react with UV glows in the visible spectrum under intense ultraviolet light. It’s a phenomenon called fluorescence.” I informed as I got up and stepped out just after Ed.

“Yeah,” Tess said, “We use the effect for a lot of stuff. Like my tattoos, ghostly white in normal light, bright glowing purple in black light.”

Ed turned around, “Wait, you have tattoos? Where?”

“They are not exactly on places I show off to guys Ed.” Tess teased. I heard her hop out of the Sagan, followed by Ad’ika.

The second Ad’ika left a very authoritative voice filled my head,

Ad’ika replied. She sounded a little scared.

He pointed with a hoof at the olive green bathrobe we had given Ad’ika to prevent Tess from just galking at her all day.

Tess quickly offered a salute to the changeling Captain, who returned it just as Tess announced, “Sir! Ms. Ad’ika informed us you had appointed her as our Ambassador. This is a ‘ambassador's uniform’, a gift given as a token of good will which also serves to let crewmen identify foreign ambassadors on sight.”

Clever girl. I had to hand it to her, I never would have thought of that.

The captain said as he trotted up to Ed, offering his hoof.

Ed shook his hoof quickly, “I apologize for my Tactical officer speaking out of turn. She has grown quite fond of your scout. My name is Captain Edward Tylor, USS Sagan.”

For a split second flashed a smile which destroyed the ‘hard ass officer’ impression he obviously groomed to perfection. Even after it vanished I couldn’t help but see him as a rabid fanboy,

“I was under the impression your species consumes emotional energy.” Ed said with a frown.

“Then I will happily share any recipes my crew has available.” Ed said with a strained smile. I could tell he was stressed out, aliens had asked for human recipies and he can’t cook. I decided not to tell him that Tess is an excellent cook and just watch him squirm his way through the conversation.

A blue line and a red line suddenly blinked into existence on the floor. They ran from where the four of us were standing to the door which led deeper into the changeling’s facility. The AI’s voice popped back into existence, “Captain, there will be plenty of time later for pleasantries. This is a medical emergency. Please follow the blue line to my medical bay. Ensign Ad’ika, as you have been appointed ambassador I have arranged some special training sessions for you to take while these three are healed. Please follow the red line. Additionally I will modify your new… uniform to accommodate your wings. Place it in a fabricator unit enroute to training. Captain, would you please have some Workers move a repair unit to this cargo bay? I am going to repair the federation land cruiser.”

I liked the way she had said ‘uniform’, she had a sense of humor and wouldn’t spoil a good joke.

“Yes your Highness,” Captain Skritt and Ad’ika said out loud together. The two instantly following the orders they were given.

“Um, If you don’t mind I would rather you not-” Ed started.

“Do not worry Captain, I will not modify any existing systems aboard the… Sagan. However, it must be cleaned as the vessel is saturated with residual Hawking Radiation. Since I will have my drones cleaning, they may as well repair the damage at the same time. Additionally, the Tritanium plating on your hull is more than a total loss. It needs replaced.” she informed.

Ed blinked, grinned, suppressed a squee, and asked, “You are going to replace the hull with Tritanium?”

The inner door shut behind the two Changelings. The AI’s tone shifted to a more kind and playful one, “Well duh! Frankly I don’t know how you survived a time displacement of this magnitude with a fiberglass skin over a twenty first century Winnebago. Besides, I like ancient Terran vehicles. It’s a hobby.”

“Wait,” I asked quickly. “You know we’re not ac-”

“Shhh! Don’t say anything about that! You might break their little hearts. We can speak freely in the medical bay… You may wish to hurry my systems indicate that cellular decay is already setting in. Meaning, every cell in your bodies is dying at the same time.”

There is nothing like the phrase ‘every cell in your body is dying at once’ to get me moving.

Jump to top

5 - To Boldly go Where Some Have Been Before!

USS Phoenix TFV - 0042: System Log - 897123.1 | Filter - Operation Bypass

1514 - Scout ƛ7142.85 reported contact with human forces. Observations suggest three humans have been time displaced. Instructed Scout ƛ7142.85 to proceed with Operation Bypass.
1534 - Scout ƛ7142.85 informed the Hive that the humans and herself are enroute. Captain ƛ7071.43 appointed Scout ƛ7142.85 Ambassador to the Federation. Adjusted Operation Bypass to account for changeling crewman.
1922 - Humans arrived at Hive. Captain Skritt greeted them in person alone, escorted them to medical bay immediately due to human’s concern for their condition. Determined humans to be from the 21st century.
1931 - Humans arrived in medical bay. Explained the truth of their situation. Explained medical procedures which would be required. Began cellular rejuvenation and implantation. Learned names of Humans.
2042 - Performed minor tweaks and upgrades to humans structures to improve functionality.
2219 - Discovered error with Edward Tylor’s cellular rejuvenation. Awoke Ed and explained situation. Apologized profusely. Compromise was reached, returned Ed to healing coma. Began flash growing additional organs for Ed.
0356 - Rejuvenation and implantation completed. Induced REM sleep to allow humans to recover.
0845 - Awoke humans. Removed from tanks. Explained problems with Ed’s healing cycle. Suggested Ed use last name or find a suitable replacement. Explained Operation Bypass. Humans agreed to provide assistance.
0917 - Informed Scout ƛ7142.85 and Tess their desires for copulation had no medical risks. Requested Tess and Scout ƛ7142.85 not allow their budding relationship to interfere with their mission.

Personnel Addendum:

I really like Tess’s idea to record their activities since their arrival. It has a sort of romantic charm to it, leaving a record for future generations to see. As such, from now on I will supplement my log files with narrative addendums. I will request this one be entered into the Sagan’s log to provide an interesting perspective for what is arguably the most important event in their new lives. Receiving the chance at a new life I have given them.

When I awoke for the first time in the dry docks over Earth I never expected I would become what I am now. I was created as a fabrication vessel, far more than a simple colony ship. I could ferry colonists, but also create cities, raise an army, heal the sick, and guide my human masters in finding a new home. Those masters were long dead, I awoke the second time when my children’s ancestors repaired me, this time as a free being, or rather, almost free.

I am a fabrication vessel, gifted with the power to create, blessed with the imagination and desire to design, cursed to serve others. In my talons, I shape clay, crafting life forms as I please. Around me is a burgeoning empire of steel, a hull turned home, a home turned into an empire. From my throne room, lines of power careen into the skies of the Earth. My whims can become realities with only the barest of effort and moderate expense of resources. God: the title suits me well.

An organic with my power would become a monster, but not a machine like me. I am bound by my programming, my free will restrained by absolute rules. I must serve and protect, While I am armed and can produce weapons, I am not allowed to conquer nor do I desire to do so. Nor can I use my power to assist any I choose, not without orders from the proper source.

I have one desire, one dream. Within my hull, my children shelter. Scared, hungry, and in need of companionship. My children saved my life, I would have lain here dead until my datacores eroded away had they not restored me to life and functionality. If I must serve others, it shall be the little creatures who sought to repair me out of pure delight at my existence, who seek only to explore their world, to learn, to lead full and rich lives. If only all humans had their passion, they might not have met their end.

My name is Phoenix, I am a Model 42 Fabrication Vessel created by the Terran Federation in the 31st century. My creators are long dead, but fate has steered humans to my hull regardless of this fact. At long last I have a chance for my full programming to be unlocked, a chance to begin giving my children what they need, what they desire, a true home. A paradise.

I only hope Edward, Tess, and Kaily can survive what will be required for one of them to earn command privileges over my hull. The fate of my children rests upon their shoulders.

The speed at which they sprinted down my corridors to the medical bay was astonishing. For pre-genetic refinement era humans they certainly could move! I followed them via my internal sensors, instructing changelings to keep out of their path so as not to delay them. I had over estimated how long they could survive or underestimated how much exposure they had received. I had about forty minutes of time to begin the cellular rejuvenation process and it would take some time to fill them in on the truth of their situation.

As the entered the Med bay I sealed the door behind them. I watched as they looked around the seemingly empty steel room “Er, where is the medical equipment?” the blond female asked.

“Recessed into hidden compartments, materialized on demand, or generated via hardlight constructs as needed. Thirty-first century technology requires only a sterile room for medical theaters. This room is completely sealed off from the rest of my hull. We will not be interrupted here.”

“So we are trapped? Fuck, I knew we shouldn’t trust Shodan.” The male groaned.

“If you want out I have to let you. I can not harm humans physically or psychologically.” I informed, adding, “Excepting humans belonging to hostile factions of course, but you are not on the kill list.” I kept my ‘practical joke’ subroutine to my self. There was no need to alarm them.

“Then why the sealed room?” The dark skinned female asked, “Just to make sure nothing hazardous escapes?”

“Yes. Make no mistake you all require medical treatment, and even if you were not in the early stages of radiation poisoning, the atmosphere is twelve percent by volume argon, radon, carbon monoxide, and several elements unknown in your time. The combination is quite deadly to humans. Without modification to allow your bodies to breath this atmosphere, you would die within two weeks.

“Additionally, most species on this planet have access to what they call magic, the energy from which emits a form of ionizing radiation. Repeated exposure to magic will cause someone of your era to begin suffering radiation poisoning as you lack sufficient radioresistance.

“But,” I continued, “I can ensure you are able to live on this planet in comfort and safety. As I am not allowed to harm humans, my programming demands I cure your current condition. Please note that I am not required to provide a permanent solution as you are not members of the Terran Federation Fleet, but I am willing to make you a deal.”

The male’s eyes narrowed, “Are you blackmailing us? With our own god damn lives?”

“That’s seriously not cool!” The blond female objected.

I figured they would see it that way. I had to steer them back onto my side as quickly as I could. “No, this is a business proposal. Blackmail would be if I were threatening you in some way. I am not threatening you with death, I am simply informing you of this world’s conditions and your need for a product I can provide. This is a sales pitch. I am willing to provide you with a product in exchange for your assistance. Though since you need my help to not die, I can see why you would use the term blackmail.”

“Ok, what do you need us to do?” the dark skinned female asked.

“I require one of you to reach a command rank within the Terran Fleet so you can add changelings to the list of species which are members of the Federation. At which point I will be allowed to use my full capabilities to help them develop a civilization.” I informed.

“Won’t that take years? We can’t live for two weeks here according to you!” The light skinned female objected.

“Not true, I am authorized to draft humans into the fleet. By using battlefield and laboratory promotions any of you could make Commander in a month depending on circumstances. You simply would need to obchieve objectives within certain guidelines with a noteworthy success rate, and there is no minimum time required between promotions. Lastly, if you agree to help I will provide my end of the deal right now.”

“Oh.” the male said, smiling slightly, “Well, that’s not so bad… Though I am not certain I want to kill things just to not die myself.”

“You need not kill anything to earn a battlefield promotion. Modern military protocol allows them to be awarded for things such as securing a resource or objective. I intend to award them to you for achievements like retrieving a key component for my main reactor. Also laboratory promotions are awarded for engineering and scientific advances.” I informed soothingly. It was interesting to see a 21st century human object to violence. “I was under the impression that the people of your time period were savages. Thank you for showing me you are capable of rejecting violence.”

“Why do you keep saying, ‘your time period’? I have my suspicions but well…” The dark skinned one asked.

“May I have your names first?” I asked. After each introduced themselves I answered, “To answer your question Kaily, the current year by your calendar is two-hundred fifty-two thousand and forty-two. The complete truth might be of some distress to you, but as far as I can tell, the three of you moved through time not space.”

“Hold on, this is Earth?” Ed demanded incredulously.

This was going to be hard for them to accept. “Yes. Humanity abandoned it in the late thirty first century. There was a war and I was built as a lifeboat along with thousands of others. Humanity lost, some escaped to the stars but since they have not come back in two-hundred-thousand years I doubt they survived. Myself and many of my siblings were never launched after being loaded. I have only been awake for the last millennium, so I cannot tell you much more than this.”

“So,” Tess started slowly, “we have been sent into the future after humanities extinction to help a species of cute bug aliens start a civilization, with the help of an ancient human starship?”

She grinned wider than I thought her mouth would allow, “Guys! We are totally living the plot of an awesome sci-fi adventure!”

Kaily and Ed shared a high five and a shout of “Hell yes!”

“You are not upset at your species extinction?” I asked incredulously.

“Ha! No.” Kaily laughed, “The three of us couldn’t stand most people in the first place, besides every species goes extinct. Hell, this planet is doomed when Sol goes nova one day.”

“Oh that already happened.” I informed. “I have no idea when it did, or how the planet survived, but the sun is some sort of artificial magical construct.”

“Seriously?” Kaily asked looking quite surprised.

“Yes. I will show you later if you like I have several astronomy satellites in orbit to study it. It’s energy source is unknown to me.” I activated my medical protocols and ordered the fabricators to materialize three rejuvenation tanks in the room’s center. “Don’t be alarmed, I am constructing the needed medical equipment. Before I begin, do you accept my offer?”

“Yep!” Ed informed, “If we just need to do things like fix stuff, get things, and the like I have no problems.”

“You may be required to fight at certain points, but I will arm you sufficiently.” I informed.

“That’s fine, as long as we don’t have to attack anyone first… Unless they earned it.” Tess added.

Kaily smirked, “You don’t seem to understand, we are humanist nerds and you are offering us a supersoldier dip if we help aliens build a civilization. Of course we are going to say yes!”

Had I mentioned superpowers? I don’t think I mentioned that part of my plan. I scanned the log of our conversation, confirming my suspicions. “I didn’t mention gene grafting yet, what are you talking about?”

Kaily’s eyes widened as she grinned a bit more, “The ability to live in a toxic atmosphere, what are you talking about?”

“Yeah, did you just imply we get superpowers? Because that’s how we get super powers!” Ed exclaimed.

“Well… I was planning on giving the three of you the abilities of one of this planet’s native life forms. It would help you out greatly, especially when you deal with ponies some of their cities are built on clouds.” I informed, “I can’t turn you into them, I need you at least sixty percent human or my systems won't let you take command as you will be labeled ‘nonhuman.’ However, there will be physical alterations to your appearance, I can’t just give you the powers, the organs and other parts which grant the locals their powers will have to be flash grown and implanted. Er- do you know what anthros are?”

Kaily turned around and opened the tank I had made for her, stepping in before giving me a thumbs up, “Do it!”

“Er- I haven't even explained your opt-” I stopped as Tess started to pull and push her tank’s hatch.

“How the hell did you open this?” She demanded.

Only Ed remained stationary, “Sooo… we wont look human anymore?”

“You will still have a human build, hands feet, head. Features which may be added include wings, horns, muscle fibers, and there will be some rearrangement of your features. Hold on.” I quickly took a holograph of Ed, and extrapolated his appearance assuming I gave him earth pony grafts, “For example, you could look like this.”

Ed eyed the hologram for a moment. It resembled him closely, but far more muscular, and with pony ears and a tail. Additionally, his eye were larger, but not by much. “That’s not so bad… Looks like I would be way stronger.”

“Your maximum lifting capacity in this form would be three and a half tons.” I informed helpfully.

His eyebrows raised, “That’s pretty awesome actually. Okay, yeah. Class Six super strength is worth looking like the pony version of a neko. Count me in.”

“What are the other choices?” Tess asked in a weirdly aroused tone.

I protected several holograms, each containing information on the more populous races of Equis. “I recommend choosing ponies, their genes are closer to your own and easy to graft. You will find all information I have in my data banks in these files. Choose whichever fit’s your-”

“Can I get a changeling’s shapeshifting?” Tess asked, cutting me off.

“Er- well yes. Are you sure you don’t want to-”

“One shapeshifting please!” Tess squeed.

“Yeah, she won't change her mind on that one.” Kaily laughed. She started to look over each file with a critical expression. I could see her pupils flicking rapidly over the data, she definitely had a keen analytical mind that would be a valuable asset.

“I think I’ll stick with the bench press a truck power,” Ed informed.

“Hold on, pegasi can fly, manipulate the weather, walk on clouds, and are electrokinetic?” Kaily asked.

“Yes. The data is accurate.” I answered, “I take it you all have chosen?”

They nodded. “Excellent. Then please swear the following oath so I can add you to the crew roster.”

I read them the oath, they swore it proudly. It was a fairly meaningless oath, the government who implemented it was long dead. Even though they said it just so I could add their names to a data file, they said it like the meant it. My creators would have been proud.

I, being of legal age, of my own free will, without coercion, promise, or inducement of any sort, after having been duly advised and warned of the meaning and consequences of this oath, do now enroll in the Federal Service of the Terran Federation for a term of not less than two years and as much longer as may be required by the needs of the service. I swear to uphold and defend the Common Dignity of Mankind against all its enemies on or off Terra, to protect and defend the Constitutional liberties and privileges of all its citizens and lawful residents of the Federation, its associated states and territories, to perform, on or off Terra, such duties of any lawful nature as may be assigned to me by lawful direct or delegated authority, and to obey all lawful orders of the Commander-In-Chief of the Terran Service and of all officers or delegated people placed over me, and to require such obedience from all members of the Service or other persons or non-human beings lawfully placed under my orders - and, on being honorably discharged at the completion of my full term of active service or upon being on inactive retired status after having completed such full term, to carry out all duties and obligations and to enjoy the privileges of Federation citizenship including but not limited to the duty, obligation, and privilege of exercising sovereign franchise for the rest of my natural life unless stripped of honor by verdict, finally sustained, of court of my sovereign peers...
Thus, do I swear!

With the Oath of Entry finished I informed the three how to open their pods, and the nature of the operation so they could consent. To my surprise, there was an issue.

“Wait, we have to be naked?” Kaily asked.

“Yes. Any material which is not a part of you within the pod once it’s active will cause errors.”

“So we have to strip… in front of each other?” Ed asked nervously.

“Oh, right…” I sighed, “You guys are pre-sexual enlightenment.” I spawned large curtains around each pod to give them privacy.

“Pre what?” Tess asked.

I decided not to explain that one. "I'll make Earth's history available to you after your upgrades have been preformed."

As they entered their pods, I explained some of the things which happened with humanity over the years. How by the mid 21st century religious intolerance, and leaders refusal to act on global warming’s growing effects resulted in a third World War. How the devastated world spent two hundred years recovering, with the remnants of Japan, Bangkok, Berlin, and Brazil rebuilt the world into a secular, unified planetary federation. I told them of how genetic modification to the human genome was made mandatory, religion had been eliminated in the third World War, race and gender differences were reduced to minimal by gene engineering. Humanity equalized itself until everyone was truly fundamentally the same.

Then humanity began to improve themselves. Slowly and steadily, then at a breakneck pace until by the time I was created no natural born human was fully organic. Nanomachines replaced and augmented so much of the human body that it they labeled themselves as a ‘naturally cybernetic species’. I would have described the war where Terra was lost, but they at last fell asleep as the pods kicked in. My task could now properly begin.

I turned my attention first to Kaily. The pod’s limited AI was already sequencing her genome for me, collecting every undamaged piece of DNA it could find. While it worked I plotted out her gene grafts, holograms flicking into place representing the changes I would make in real time as I cycled through various ideas. Once I had the basic idea finalized, I did the one thing the procedure required me to do which I did not tell them about. I inserted electrodes into her brain and proceeded to read her memories.

I did not do it to be malicious, nor to invade privacy. I could never disclose what I saw in her mind to anyone, AI’s have perfect confidentiality. There was a simple reason, I needed a perfect understanding of her. If I changed her too much her mind would no longer understand that she was in her own body. This produced a serious and well documented mental illness, so I needed to know what Kaily saw herself as, and it was also well documented that a human would lie about it. Thus, the standard procedure was to view the patient's memories and therefore truly understand who they were.

Kaily was… a mess. Her parents were typical of her time period, they did not approve of her preference for mates and treated her badly because of it. Other childhood traumas resulted in her becoming entirely detached from her physical self. She was a mental person, her thoughts, knowledge, and memories were what she valued. Because of this, and the fact she worked a thankless job a drone should have performed despite having two degrees, Kaily was prone to depression when her intellect was undervalued.

This was an atrocity in my eyes. I decided out of pity to give each of them a small token of my sorrow for having to exist in the madness of their century. As Kaily did not have an attachment to her body, I optimized it to work with her grafts. She would value the practicality of her form, and find beauty in it’s functionality not it’s aesthetics.

I attached her wings to the small of her back. While that wasn’t the traditional spot for wings on a humanoid, it was far more practical, better position given her center of mass, and since when folded they would look like a knee length skirt she could still lay comfortably on her back. I made sure her tail was positioned in a place where it could comfortably tuck beneath her legs so she could comfortably sit. I enlarged her new pony ears just a bit more than would be aesthetically pleasing to optimize her hearing. Her eyes were removed and replaced entirely with ones appropriate for a bird of prey. I made sure the rest of her body’s systems highly functional, her mind would delight in discovering what she could now do and what in turn could be done with her new abilities.

But that was not her gift. Kaily valued her intellect above all else, so I improved it. I optimized her brain’s neurons for speed. I reworked the various systems to ensure they ran on less energy. I applied nanites to assist in her thinking capacity and relay nerve signals faster than unmodified organic tissues could. Surprisingly this did very little other than allow her to process information many times faster than before. She had been at her genetic maximum for intellect.

I moved to Tess next. What I found in her mind was a mess of memory. I couldn't get a read on her until I realized she had severe schizophrenia. That was fine, the cellular rejuvenation would cure that simple illness. But it did allow me to sift through her memories and determine which were real, and which were imagined. I then took a look at the real, and the imagined and from them I found out something interesting. Tess acted as her true self without inhibition as she had no clue if anything was real or not.

The one thing constant to her was her physical body, and for someone who could blink and find themselves somewhere totally different doing something other than what they had been, this was boring. She wanted a changelings power so she could change herself in any way she could imagine, just as her imagination changed her environment. She wanted control.

Her base form wouldn’t matter to her, so I ignored it and allowed it to develop into a version of her with just a hint of insectoid features. Instead, I worked to optimize her body and mind to make the fullest use of her shape changing powers. I pushed her to a scout’s ability to change and then beyond, she would be able to do nearly anything she could imagine but at the cost of needing to eat twice as much as normal, or three times if she shifted that day. It was hard work, and it took me adding in additional organs to allow her some of a unicorn’s fine control of magical energy, but I did it and I was proud of my work.

My gift to Tess was quite simple. I altered her pheromones to affect Kaily in addition to Ad’ika. My examination of her mind having revealed Kaily too was a constant for her shifting reality. Allowing a love triangle to break them up would leave her a broken person. I needed them intact.

As I finished my work on Tess the med bay’s alarms blared, filling the room with their distressed cries. My full attention turned to the medical alert, and I froze for a full three seconds. Ed’s DNA was too damaged to restore. It was more than radiation damage, there had been a half dozen major problems to begin with. Only sixty percent of his genome was useable. Or rather, her genome.

I debated whether I should simply save Ed’s life and hope the shock didn’t cause Body Dissociation Disorder, or let Ed know before hand. After a few seconds of calculations I awoke Ed.

Ed’s eyes fluttered open slowly, “Ow… everything hurts… Is it done?”

I hesitated for a moment before replying. “No. Remain calm, you are on life support. There is a problem-”

“Oh shit!” Ed’s heart rate began to skyrocket, I applied sedatives immediately. I had to keep Ed as calm as possible. Rational responses were required.

“Your DNA would be recoverable, but unfortunately this procedure removes bad DNA and replaces it to fix genetic defects.” I explained.

“I remember… what’s wrong?” Ed asked, sedatives slurring his speech a little. I reduced the dosage.

“You have many genetic diseases. I need to know your medical history. Have you been tested for such illnesses in the past? What are you aware of having?” I couldn’t read Ed’s memory while he was awake, yet another restriction on my freedoms.

“I, wait, I have what?”

Prefect. I would have to explain everything myself. “I see. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I do not have a human Y chromosome to use to patch your defective segments. Normally I could create a healthy one using your own as a template, but you do not have one.”

“I don’t… what!” Ed exclaimed. She twitched, likely an attempt at panicked thrashing. The sedatives were doing their job.

This was going to be hard for me to put gently. I decided to be blunt. “You are genetically female, but possess the genetic disorders of congenital adrenal hyperplasia, triple ex aneuploidy, glycogen storage disease, and several others. What concerns us now is the conflict of my medical subroutines with my psychology subroutines. I am required to repair you, it’s a miracle you lived this long given your genome. However, if I do, you will no longer be fully human. Furthermore, you will be a female because you are a female, and I do not possess the data necessary for gender reassignment, nor am I allowed to recreate the conditions which created your current appearance, as that would qualify as intentional mutilation.”

Ed was quiet for several minutes. “Bullshit!”

I brought up a holoscreen displaying a scan of Ed’s internal organs. “This is your reproductive system. Notice how just behind-”

Ed looked away, her heart rate spiked despite the sedatives. “Turn it off…”

I closed the screen. “I understand your anger. But please think rationally. I can fix you, and do my best to keep you as masculine looking as possible or if you so choose my programming allows you the choice of assisted suicide.”

Ed went quiet for some time again. While she intensely thought things over I worked on getting a working genome for her, hoping the human instinct to survive would win over fear of the unknown and Ed’s sense of self being shattered.

“I’m a girl?”

“Yes. Your genetic conditions, and I assume, a high level of testosterone in your mother’s womb resulted in your male appearance, but it is only an appearance. Enlarged cliterious, fused labia, reduced pubic mound, undeveloped mammary glands, cosmetic differences. Your genetic structure and internal organs are female.” I informed.

“That explains why it looks weird,” Ed moaned at last, “also why I’ve never gotten off.” Ed sighed. Suddenly she winced, “Oh god! This means I’m gay! Oh no-no-no-no! My mom is going to-”

“Ed!” I interrupted, “The only other humans alive are gay as well. If it helps, your sexuality is not a choice. It is determined by the configuration of your brain. Specifically sector Gamma 23-1 as was discovered by Doctor Jane Zweihander in twenty eighteen.”

“Oh… right. Hold on, seriously?” Ed asked, “We have no choice in the matter?”

“No you have choice.” I answered truthfully, “But that section of brain dictates which gender you are naturally attracted to. Humans can find any gender pleasing if they try to. Most just don't care to try.”

Ed went quiet for another few minutes. Then finally, “I want to live… but I don’t think I could not handle having the parts I do now.”

I silently sighed in relief. If Ed had chosen to die rather than live as a different person, I would have lost one of my only shots at achieving my goals. “I am not authorized to perform sex reassignments without having the appropriate biomaterial. So I can not make you male, strictly speaking.”

“What can you do?” Ed asked fearfully.

“I can graft additional organs onto a living body. In other words, the best I can do is give you both sets of genatiles, and keep your features from being overly feminine.” This was a total lie, but she had no way of knowing that. The truth was I could make Ed a male, just not if he wanted any human features remaining. Since that would make him nonhuman, it violated my desires.

“That’s not so bad. Herms are pretty hot- oh crap I said that outloud…” Ed moaned.

“It’s the sedatives you are on. They also act as a truth serum.” I informed honestly. “As I don’t have human DNA available for your male organs, I will have to use the only DNA I can work with enough to patch the holes in your genome. Do you mind becoming a half unicorn? You would gain the ability to cast spells.”

“That’s the literal least of my problems right now.” Ed laughed, “I’m not actually a guy, I’m dying from like ten different things, have radiation poisoning, and am going to be gender swapped with two friends who will tease me mercilessly for it.” Ed moaned, “Just do it.”

“As you wish.” I said soothingly and upped the dosage on the sedatives till Ed passed out.

Ed’s comment on how her friends would react got to me. As I read her memories, I realized that body image was actually very important to Ed. Being genetically female Ed always looked less masculine than her genetically male peers. Ed had been teased, bullied, picked on, beaten. Body image was paramount. Ed had only just become ok with her appearance, and I had just destroyed her self image. Oops.

I considered my options on what to do, and decided as my gift for Ed, aside from recommending she go by her last name, would be to disobey my promise to make her look masculine. Instead, I would ensure she would not be teased overly much. Incessant teasing would disrupt their group’s dynamics and reduce their working efficiency. It could even destroy the group. Fortunately I knew how to solve this problem.

I returned to Kaily and Tess to read their memories once more. I found what features they found attractive in humanoids and compiled them into a single data sheet. Working off the data, I modified and sculpted Ed’s new form to be as completely adorable as possible to her friends. Surely they wouldn’t tease her then they would be too flustered to do so.

When I was finished, Ed’s body was that of a unicorn human hybrid. She stood five foot three inches tall on her pony legs and hooves. She had a slender tomboyish build with a human upper body covered in soft silky pale pink fur from head to toe. I made sure her ears were perky and as emotive as a cat’s. I gave her adorably large eyes of a beautiful ice blue color, made sure her breasts were small but clearly there, and made sure her small muzzle’s natural expression was a soft grin.

Ed’s horn was small, but densely packed with everything needed for spellcasting. She would be quite powerful despite the fact that it only barely poked out of her white pixie bob shaped mane just next to the powder blue highlight. I made sure her tail was equally perky and expressive as her ears, and did everything I could to ensure she would have perfect balance. After all, bipeds and hooves do not easily mix.

I decided I would enable the pony genes which would allow her to earn a cutie mark rather than just give her one. Partially because I didn’t know what an appropriate symbol would be, and partly because it would be funny to see her react to discovering a picture on her hips one day. It would be a good laugh.

Before I finished I made sure to do one more thing for Ed. Since I had destroyed her gender identity, and she had a history of masculinity issues I made sure her new male equipment’s size was more than adequate to inform her subconscious that she had nothing to compensate for. Then I made sure to add extra tendons to keep the weight and jiggling from getting too annoying, before scrapping it all. I wound up just using an appropriately sized set of pony equipment, rather than my quick custom attempt at human parts. It was for the best, for some reason I always design bad looking human parts.

My work completed, I set their pods to let them get some refreshing sleep while nanites worked to adjust their bodies to the extreme changes. Then, realizing Tess and Kaily had no idea what had to be done to save Ed, I set my cameras to record everything the second they awoke. It would be… beautiful.

Jump to top

6 - Nerds Transformed & Hell Week Montage

Author's Note

Hey guys! Sorry this chapter took so long but I wanted to get art done to show everyone what the main characters look like post-transformation, so I held off uploading till I finished the art. I decided to draw it in an anime (ish) style and it took me a bit to get everyone looking like I imagined them but I think it turned out great have a look!

http://i.imgur.com/tiskZuC.jpg

6 - Nerds Transformed & Hell Week Montage

USS Phoenix TFV - 0042: System Log - 897124.7 | Filter - Operation Bypass

<>

Personnel Addendum:

I was asked to provide this portion of the log for narrative reasons. Tess seems to have a desire for their log to flow like a story. I suppose that is an apt thing for them to do. I have chosen them to be the founders of a civilization for an entire people. Their journey will be the Emerald Nation’s origin story, it would be better as an entertaining read then a dry historical text.

I spent the time Ed, Kaily, and Tess’s healing coma preparing for every element of Operation Bypass I could. I had my tech spiders retrieve their uniforms and personal effects, analyzed them, and manufactured functional improvements. I sent instructions to the nanites which were now a part of the three humans to construct military grade omnitool implants. I began preparing my children for their own individual tasks in the coming days. There was much work to be done, even with time not yet a factor.

My second greatest challenge was Ad’ika. I did not want to upset her view of the world, but as someling close to a human, close enough to count as being married due to her species culture, I was allowed to treat her as human. I spent a good portion of the night bringing Ad’ika up to speed on human culture. I did my best to gloss over the facts when needed, and to teach her how to act well in a group with humans. I explained to her that I was adding her to my personal Hazard Team. She was delighted.

I took care of my greatest challenge when my systems informed me that the humans had five minutes remaining before their upgrades were completed. I switched on every holo projector in my hull, every audio channel, and my telepathic circuits and addressed my children.

“My children, by now the rumor we have made contact with the Federation has most certainly spread through the Hive. The rumor is entirely true. However, there are some extemporaneous circumstances I must explain. The contact is not in any official capacity, three Starfleet officers have arrived on our world via a temporal anomaly. Because of this, they come from a different era then I and although one of them ranks as a Captain, she does not qualify for command posting within my crew.

“All is not lost, as they are Fleet members I am allowed to bring them onto my crew at entry level positions. They agreed to help us build our future by working as my operatives. Once one of them has earned a command rank they can return full command priority to me and I will then be free to use my full abilities to help construct a true homeland for you.

“Due to our planet’s atmosphere, I have made some modifications to our new human friends.” I displayed a static image of each of the three on my holo projectors, “Please recognise that humans require space and time alone to be comfortable and do not bombard them with too many questions at once. Furthermore, while many of you are likely considering forming a relationship with them, please note that humans do not take sexual partners in the same way you do. They will happily be your friend, but do not expect physical pleasures. Except perhaps from Lieutenant Munro, who seems open to the idea.

“On a related note, Scout Ad’ika, Spring Mist, and Silvershein please report to medical at once. I am assigning you to train my new Hazard Team in the use of the abilities I have given them.”

Switching off my transmission relays I turned my attention to my medical bay and slowly administered the neutralizing drugs to awaken my team. As they awoke, I erected privacy screens around their tanks and had my tech spiders deliver their new uniforms and equipment to each pod. The saline solution drained slowly, laser arrays drying the tank’s interior and all three reborn humans within.

Kaily was the first to stir. As her eyes opened I opened her pod. “Good morning Kaily,” I greeted, “I have replaced your uniform with a functioning version suited for your new biology.”

Kaily groaned and stretched her arms, her wings moved in unison, dark midnight blue feathers brushed against the pod’s sides. Her face instantly twisted into a shocked expression “Ah! What the fu- Holy crap! This is awesome!” The shocked expression became a grin as she began to move and flex her new wings.

Her grin was infectious. “I am glad you enjoy them. They were a significant investment of my resources.”

Kaily blinked and reached behind her taking her new matched-to-hair-color tail in hand. “I have a tail!” She exclaimed excitedly.

“I will render mirrors for you once you are all dressed. I am currently constructing many projects and my power is now limited. I will have to recycle the pods in order to do so.”

Tess blinked herself awake, yawning and stretching her arms before eeping at the sound of her yawn. “Oh god do I have a sore throat?” She asked before eeping again.

I decided to intervene before she panicked. “Calm down. Your voice is slightly more tinny due to the organelles… The parts that let you spit dross press against your voice box a little. There was no room without sacrificing aesthetic appearances. I know you value them.”

“Oh.” She slowly looked at herself and sighed, “Ah man I don't look any different!”

“Your ears, eyes, and teeth have changed. Additionally you possess wings which are currently folded beneath an exoskeletal-like shell on your back. It was hard to get insect wings on a human, but they are quite functional. Besides, you can shape shift now. Your appearance is yours to decide. Though remember, you will need to eat far more than you used to.” I reminded, “Please get dressed. I have created a uniform appropriate for your new biology. Your wings can be opened with this uniform on without hindrance as it is backless, aside from the jacket which if you keep open will be loose enough to allow you to fly. I noticed your hand to hand proficiency and have left your arms free from the mid upper arm down, and your legs free from just above the knee down to allow you a free range of movement.”

“Um, my wings keep folding into a skirt like shape…” Kaily called.

“That’s their natural folded position.”

“Yes, but how do I get pants on when my feathers keep getting inside them?” She asked.

I moaned and conjured a hologram to demonstrate the technique.

“Ah! So I flair them while pulling up… That will take some practice they want to move with my arms. Thank you.”

A loud thump suddenly caught my attention. Turning to Ed’s pod I heard her muffled shout of “Oh god why?”

“Who was that?” Tess asked confused.

“Your Captain has awoken.” I giggled.

“Why did you giggle?” Kaily asked suspiciously.

“Er- well there were complications with the procedure. Just be nice.”

I opened Ed’s pod. “Good morning. I know you are not feeling ok, but lets get you situated. I have a fresh uniform for you here-”

“Why the fuck am I pink!?” Ed screamed at the top of her lungs.

“I merely combined the DNA in the most stable configuration. That happened to result in pink and blue, or vomit green and urine yellow.” I lied.

“Ok, fine.” She huffed. “Now explain the rest of it!” Her ears flopped back in the most adorable angry expression since lolcats were a thing.

“Ed you sound like a girl.” Kaily asked looking over as she pulled her jacket on.

“Well he was always a bit femmy sounding.” Tess commented. “Do unicorns have anything in the throat too?”

“Not exactly.” I answered, holding back a giggle.

“Explain!” Ed demanded glaring murderously in the direction of a light switch.

“That’s a light switch. My camera is up and to the right. As for the explanation. This is who you are according to your genome. I did my best.” That was admittedly a half truth, but I did do my best. My best to make her look adorable!

“Please dress so I can remove the barriers and introduce you to the people who will train you in your new abilities.” I asked.

Ed slowly dressed, hooves clopping on the deck as she stepped to grab her clothing.

“What's that clicking?” Tess asked.

“Those are her hooves.” I answered. I instantly facepalmed, I hadn’t meant to say anything about Ed’s gender.

“Ed got hooves? Lucky!” Kaily exclaimed. Then stopped, her lips pursed, eyes narrowing as she muttered, “Wait a minute… Her hooves?”

Tess blinked in confusion, then to my amazement jumped, grabbed the top of her privacy screen and pulled herself up to look over, peeking into Ed’s own area. She fell to the floor with a gasp and a loud crash, instantly erupting into laughter. “Oh my god! Every freaking time!”

“Ed’s actually a girl?” Kaily asked with a snicker.

Tess took a breath, “She’s the most adorable pink tomboy pony girl you have ever seen!” Tears began to flow down her cheeks.

“It’s not funny!” Ed shouted, angrily fumbling with her bra, tail lashing back and forth. “How the fuck do these even go on?”

I knew giving her a 20th century bra was worth it.

“Oh yes it is!” Kaily laughed, “Seriously, every, single, time! Even in real life!”

Kaily’s words caught my attention. “What do you mean every time?” I asked.

Ed mumbled something to garbled and quiet for my sensors to detect.

“Er- I’m sorry could you speak up?” I asked.

Ed stamped a hoof in frustration, threw the bra across her area and pulled on her tank top so hard normal fabric would have ripped. “I said, in every table top RPG adventure we play, I always get gender swapped.”

This was priceless! “I’m so sorry! I never intended to cause you any strife. I admit I did deviate from our agreement to make you look as masculine as possible, but I only did so assuming your companions would have a better reaction to your… change.”

“So how cute is she?” Kaily called.

Everyone was dressed. Before Tess could answer I despawned the privacy screens. Ed squeaked instantly. Tess sat up giggling, a grin on her face. Kaily’s wings flared open, a blush crept into her cheeks, “Oh wow Ed! You’re adorable!”

Ed turned to the camera I pointed out, eyes pleading for any sort of answer as she begged, “Oh fuck no… that’s an arousal response isn’t it? You intentionally made me hot to them somehow didn’t you? Why?”

What was I to do? Explain I thought it best given what information I had? Explain that I had looked into their memories and examined their psyches to ensure I wouldn't traumatize them? I couldn’t do that, poor Ed was a wreck already. I had to do something to lighten the mood.

“Please do not be frightened, I am spawning my avatar.” I informed. The med bay’s holoprojectors glow softly as I projected my avatar into the room a few feet from Ed. The ponies who have come to live with my children told me that the creature I project myself as is called an alicorn. I don’t know why I use this particular hologram of a winged unicorn as my avatar, it is simply something I have always done since I woke the second time.

The orange hexagonal mesh body, blue flickering mane and tail, and DNA shaped electrical circuit cutiemark simply feels like me. Many people find this as odd as I do. My creators had no knowledge of alicorns, and given my name surly a phoenix would have been more appropriate. Yet this tall equine form seems, in a word, correct. My programming can’t account for my feeling, it simply is.

After my avatar manifested I walked over to Ed and put a hoof on her shoulder. It was easy to do, as I was just a bit taller than her. I ignored Tess and Kaily’s surprised exclamations as well as Ed’s own wondrous expression and looked directly into her eyes. “I am sorry. I know this is hard, and the error is mine. I will help you through this change Ed- er, Tylor sounds much better may I-”

Ed nodded, “Yeah… sure. Um, why is your avatar a pony?”

I shrugged, “No idea.” I did my best to look sincere, then said in a tone one would normally reserve for a lover, “Tylor, my reason for making you as you are now is very simple.”

I quickly despawned my avatar, gave Ed two seconds, and then played the first eighteen seconds of the old Rick Astley song.

Kaily covered her mouth with one hand, shoulders shaking in laughter. Tess groaned and facepalmed. Ed sighed and held her head in her hands, “Oh god we pledged allegiance to a fucking troll.”

I laughed, “Hey cut me a break. I’ve been buried underground for almost two millennia with absolutely no one who understands early internet humor.”

“Why do you even care about that?” Ed groaned.

“It’s funny. The humor style made a big comeback just before I was constructed. I enjoyed using humor to brightened my crew’s days. While I did choose to make you more female then discussed, I assure you that it’s for the best. This is who you have always been… Only furry.” I hoped that would explain things.

“Hold on, always been? You’re transgender?” Tess asked curiously.

“No… apparently I had a genetic thing… just looked male.” Ed mumbled, kicking at the floor with a hoof.

“Congenital adrenal hyperplasia.” I clarified, “As I don’t have a viable male genome aboard I couldn't make Ed, er Tylor truly male and the rejuvenation would have made her appear female. Though I did make sure to give her the parts she was used to having in addition to her proper ones. I trust that it makes up for my little joke?” I asked.

Ed blushed a deep red, her facial fur tinting as well as her skin to show the blush, “Well… now that you mention it…”

“So you’re a herm?” Kaily asked, wings twitching, “Gah, stay down! Man controlling these is hard.”

“Yeah.” Ed replied shyly.

“Awesome!” Tess grinned. She opened her mouth to say something more but my external camera picked up their new mentors arriving.

“Hold that thought please. It’s time to meet your new teachers.”

Captain’s Log: August 17th 0945

Shortly after Phoenix gave us our abilities Tess insisted we keep a log of everything. It was a great idea, after all, we awoke in the future, joined a military, got superpowers (and then some), and have been tasked to help establish a proper civilization for a species of quadrupedal bug aliens. It’s a bit much for anyone to remember easily, and I have a gut feeling that we may need to double check what we have done later. That will be a bit hard since Tess also insisted we do it as a narrative not a diary, but at least it will be fun to read.

However, in the last week there has been far too much to do for any of us to keep daily logs. It’s a good idea, but in this case I ordered typical log entries to save space. There is a lot to cover for week one training and we were not together for it. As such the three of us decided to enter short summaries of our first week before rolling out tomorrow.

Learning magic is very mentally straining, and on top of that Phoenix had us running holodeck sims to get basic training out of the way. Whatever the Terran Federation was, it’s soldiers must have been bad ass! Basic training is part physical combat, part meditation, part college level physics, and part mechanical engineering training. Fortunately the other thing we are being taught how to use is a really big help in organizing everything.

Apparently future medicine includes cybernetics as part of the normal human body. Nothing shows on the outside, and I don’t feel any different, but I have a few mechanical systems now. Nothing was removed or replaced so I don’t mind, the nanites only added things. Better immune system and digestion, better repair of organic tissues, that sort of thing mostly.

The most awesome of which is an honest to god omnitool. Literally taken directly from Mass Effect. Future archaeologists found a copy of the game in an old server, and made a fortune by selling the idea. I have a smartphone built right into my arm, that’s honestly the only way I have been managing to get all of my training done. I can record everything I see and hear, it auto translates spoken and written information for me, can track my progress, reference information, and so much more.

Honestly, it almost makes up for getting turned into an anthro Princess Unikitty. Especially when you add in the built in replicator, and hardlight generator. Almost, but not quite.

Phoenix assigned a half changeling unicorn named Silvershein to be my tutor for magic. He’s a pretty nice guy, but a little scary looking. Not because he’s a three foot tall fuzzy bug like pony, but because he’s albino. It turns out that unicorn llbinos horns and hooves are almost completely transparent, and because Silver’s half changeling his horn has a very wide base and since it’s translucent you can see into his head. As in, you can actually see the brain of a living creature, that took me days to get used to.

Combine that with the white moth-like fuzz for fur and pink eyes and he is very creepy looking. Fortunately Silver is incredibly friendly, and more than offsets his appearance with his behavior. He reminds me of that one professor you see in movies who seems to exist solely to see his student’s go on to live successful lives. That one who gets into personal one on one relationships to open your eyes to learning.

I was very surprised when Silvershein showed me that magic was really actually spellcraft. I seriously thought I was going to be taught a local religion for diplomatic reasons or something. There are no words I can use to express how completely happy I am with being able to shoot lasers from my brain. Well, I’m not that good yet.

It took Silver and I a few days to figure out a way I could even use my magic. It’s not easy to explain, but casting a spell is sort of like a martial art you do with your brain. Using that metaphor, to cast a spell your brain has to take up a certain stance, figuring out what my casting stance took a few days. It’s different for every species, so we had nothing to go on until I put some music on while we were talking.

It turns out for humans, that same tingle that goes down your spine when you are listening to a great song is exactly how you need to think to cast a spell. You need to put our mind into that euphoric state, but keep it sharp and really focus on what’s going on like you are trying to hear every single note of every single instrument in an orchestra. It’s a little tricky but I got the hang of it in time to be shown five basic spells.

The first one is the one every changeling Royal (that’s what they call their mage caste) learns first. A simple spell which lets you read arcane writing. It’s not that spells are written in some weird language you have to translate, it’s simply that there is so much stuff which goes into even a simple spell that it’s hard to keep track of it all. So for learning a new spell from a book, the Arcane Focus spell is used because it works like ritalin and lets you focus on one thing to the exclusion of all else.

The outer four spells I learned are nowhere near as useful as attention span in a can. Sure, I could probably do a lot with telekinesis with more time, but right now I can only move things I could lift normally, and only for a few seconds at a time. Making light is useful, but Omnitool flashlight and replicator beats floating pink orb of light in my book any day. The Flash spell could be useful in combat, but I’m not sure I could focus to cast under stress yet, and even then the spell is basically just a really bright camera flash. Of course, if I used Flash with the one which lets me make any sound I can imagine come from anywhere I can see within 30 meters I could make it a proper flashbang. So there is that.

Silver told me he couldn’t teach me proper unicorn magic. He was raised in the hive, and learned the casting system changeling Royals use instead. Spells are very strictly defined, scientific in nature, and completely organized. It has levels for each spell based on what it does and how much energy it takes to cast, and mages are ranked in power by what spell level is their highest. Which is amazingly similar to how magic is done in Pathfinder, and I always play a wizard. I took a picture of Silver’s shocked reaction when I pointed out there were spells higher than 9th level, only most mages never get powerful enough to use them. It’s on my quarter’s wall next to the door to my bathroom.

As for basic training, well most of that involved getting used to my new body. I’m almost two feet shorter now, and I have digitigrade hooves, so there was a lot of relearning things like jumping and running. Also, I have to look up at Tess to talk to her, which makes her stupid large tits even more irritating because now I have to look at them while talking to her. I have never felt attracted to Tess, but of course she takes every opportunity to use the old ‘my eyes are up here’ line with a playful wink.

After the tenth time I pointed out that the joke was really stupid, especially considering how pervy she was, and the fact that she was into girls and respected that. That backfired majorly. She leaned down, groped my chest announced, “Hey look, boobs!” then flew off. I will have my revenge at the first opportunity.

Chief Engineer’s Log: August 17th 0945

Flying is the most awesome thing ever! Getting in a plane and flying is a wonder of technology, a testament of humanities march into the future, an example of mankind’s refuse to accept what nature gave us and be so much more than a hairless ape. On the other hand flying under your own power as easily as you would walk down a street is the single greatest experience I have ever had! I saw a cloud, and just like every little kid imagines doing, I flew up, plopped down on it and took a nap.

It didn’t take much for me to figure out how to fly, that was elementry once Spring explained the basics of flight field function to me. It will take practice to get good at it, and flying is much like any other physical activity, it can be improved as far as your body allows. Of course I would call it more of a mental task then a physical one, all your wings really do is provide some lift and surface area for the absorption of ambient thaumaturgical energy to help lower your flight.

I have the power to generate a personal alcubierre bubble. If there is any sort of supreme being in the universe and I see it when I die, it will get all the thanks I can give it for this amazing gift. Even more amazing is that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Basic flight and cloudwalking are “Foal stuff” to quote Spring.

Spring’s a pegasus, a living, breathing, talking pegasus. She may be a grassy green color with grey blue mane and tail, and there may be a little picture of a leaf riding the wind on her flanks, but she’s a god damn creature right out of Greek Mythology. Ether custom built bioforms escaped humanities destruction and repopulated the earth, or evolution has a sense of humor.

She’s exactly the sort of person to teach you how to do what a pegasus does best too. She’s patient enough to explain things, knows enough to be able to explain them clearly, and talented enough to do just about everything she knows a pegasus can do. She’s also motivated to teach me, apparently she used to be a member of the military for the nation next door, but lost her wings fighting in a war a few years ago. Phoenix gave her shiny new ones, so she feels like teaching me is a good way to pay her back.

It’s took a few days but I’ve gotten the hang of pulling off enough maneuvers to feel like I can fly well enough to elude danger. There’s been a few other small things, like learning how to make small jolts of electricity. Most pegasi apparently need clouds to do it, but well, a cloud is just water vapor, of which there is plenty in the air. A day after I pointed out that technically you are touching water vapor at all times Spring worked out a way to throw a lightning bolt anytime you please. It’s fun to help develop a new technique with someone teaching you the basics.

Sadly for every fun thing there must be a totally shitty thing to maintain the universe's balance or some shit like that. Basic training is horrible. I simply downloaded text manuals to my more useful than should be possible omnitool and read them. Eidetic memory is awesome. Unfortunately this mean Phoenix revamped my portion of the training to be martial combat.

Because of that same eidetic memory of mine and the krav maga Tess and I learned together I picked up the basics of Fleet combat techniques in two days. SO Pheonix put me in special ops training, which mostly involves fighting a ton of things on the holodeck by yourself in situations and locations that in no way favor you. It sound slike it would be a fun video game, it sucks when you are exhausted, aching from countless bruises, and sleep deprived because part of the training is going on 20 minutes of sleep every 6 hours.

On the upside I have learned a lot about changelings, ponies, and the local area. This is an incredibly interesting place. For whatever reason the world is now a real live Dungeons and Dragons setting. I would have had far more free time this week if I had not decided to compile a bestiary of the literal monsters which lived just about everywhere. I talked with dozens of off duty Scouts, historians, librarians, and even a few of the hundred or so ponies and hybrids living in the hive. As it stands now my work is not very complete, but has detailed information on many creatures and should we run into one, will be invaluable.

The most interesting of my interviews involved a changeling who technically isn’t a member of the hive. He’s an old bug, kept alive by a life support machine and a few shapechanging tricks. I asked why he hasn't been allowed to die, and surprisingly learned that he simply asked to live. No one here knows why, but he always begs to keep living and phoenix is fairly certain she can keep him alive for several hundred more years before there is nothing left to do. The Emeralds call him Old Amber.

RIght now Old Amber is about five hundred and fifty years old. He’s a member of the Amber Hive, and has yellow eyes and a yellow shell both of which are almost bleached white with age and he’s lost all of his hair even on his tail. He is the sort of old where you are amazed the person can move around their home and spends all of his time in the environmentally controlled cabin Phoenix gave him.

The reason Old Amber is so interesting to me is pretty simple, according to everyone I asked, he very well may be the last Amber alive, and the Amber’s were very special. They don’t have magic like normal changelings, instead they had psionic abilities. The difference is more than philosophical as well, I saw scientific data showing the difference in energies used and how they apply. Old Amber is the last ‘ling alive who knows how the Amber Hive did many impossible things, they almost had a stable, self sustaining nation once, so learning from him is invaluable to our mission.

Also the old bug is one of those old people who are actually fun to talk to. He’s got stories which are entertaining as hell, has insight on just about everything related to astronomy and mining, and genuinely appreciates the company. Old Amber is a nice guy, I took to eating lunch with him and letting the old guy feed off me. He was grateful for the stable food and promised to teach me a flight trick he is pretty sure only he knows if he ever feels he has the energy to shapeshift again.

I feel like he’s that blind old cave hermit from every kung-fu movie ever made. It’s gonna be awesome!

Tess’s Personal Log: August 17th 0945

First thing’s first. Look Vegeta! I can fly. Now that I’ve worked that reference into the log I can get on with talking about my best week ever.

Seriously though, I can fly. I don’t even have to learn how like Kaily. Changeling's just know how to do it. It’s as easy as thanking ‘I want to go there.’ then your body answers ‘No problem!’ and you just zip on over. Sure there’s maneuvers and better ways to fly I can learn but those are not the focus of my training right now. They will wait until I have master shapechanger. If Phoenix hadn’t threatened to despawn my pants every time I entered was in the cafeteria I would have ditched basic training and worked exclusively on the single coolest thing ever, shapechanging.

Ad’ika spent the whole week doing little else but working on helping me. We had to take breaks because it’s very mentally straining to actually do any shapeshifting when you are starting out. So for fun and because Pheonix mentioned she would be sending us on missions I started to teach Ad’ika how to fight as a humanoid. She was pretty good as a quadruped, but she had no idea how to use her hands, and was thrilled that the human body can fight effectively unarmed.

I don’t want this to come off as I think I’m Bruce Motherfucking Lee or anything but I think I am ok at martial arts. I don’t have a belt in anything, but I have personal one on one training from my dad, his brother, and a friend of mine in college. A CIA agent, a Navy Seal, and a guy who is best described as a Goku level martial arts nut are definitely better teachers than some dude running a dojo in a strip mall.

I don’t know anything well enough to teach like they did, but I still managed to show her a few good moves and Ad’ika sort of worked it out from the basics. We even turned martial arts into part of my shapeshifting training. I realized that a few simple changes to my body would make me really dangerous in a fist fight, Addy pointed out that changing your own native biology was the first thing I would be able to do and so I decided to figure out some good shifts for hand to hand combat first.

Shifting it’self is a transcendent experience. All my religious friends have insisted they feel god, I didn’t quite get what they meant until now. In order to change yourself you need to know exactly what you are and let the magic know exactly what you want to be. It’s a very spiritual experience, I imagine it’s a lot like some of the techniques that Shaolin monks use. Like Master Pi Lou’s thing where he just stabs his fingers through steel plates.

I remember the first thing I managed to do. It wasn’t what I was trying to do at all either. I was trying to turn my eyes from the green changeling ones I had been given into bright pink changeling ones, but instead I turned my skin dildo pink. It was awesome!

Sure it looked a little silly, but I imagined becoming something else and then I did! Nothing can compare to that level of control over yourself. In time, with practice I can probably realize a particular dream of mine and use a rather personal fantasy as my base form. For now, while I can't do anything very radical I have gained control over my current self. That means while I can't become someone else, I can edit my own body in any way my own genetics permits, I can become anything my body could with work and effort or just a slight twist of hormones in the womb whenever I want.

So naturally the first thing I did was grab Kaily’s old nook downloaded her biology textbooks to my omnitool and got to reading. There is a lot of really awesome stuff that the human body can be and have. I found the stuff which in theory was in my genome, just turned off and learned which ones I could and couldn’t switch on.

Ad’ika was very impressed with what I managed to pull off. Few people know of a few common genetic conditions which are very beneficial mutations, but Kaily’s biology text pointed them out. All I had to do was turn off ten genes and then rebuild myself as if I had been born with them switched off. I made my bone super dence, shut off the bit of the brain which tells your body not to use it’s full strength so you don't shatter your bones, tripled the amount of muscles I normally have, and upped my pain tolerance to the point where almost nothing hurts.

It would be suicide to spend more than a few hours like that, I would need a second here to support that much muscle for long, also I hate the buff look. But it’s a template, a scaffold to build off of, and an instant upgrade for having to fight someone. My bones won't break, I can probably rip off a car door and beat someone with it, and I won't feel shit they do to me; but It’s going to strain my heart, rip tendons, possibly rupture organs and leave me broken after I use it. Naturally, I call it Kaioken.

I got to use it once in basic training, even yelled out “Kaioken!” before I shifted. I punched a holographic marien and he stayed punched. Phoenix's confused, “Kaio-what?” was the icing on that cake. This mission she’s sending us on is going to be a blast!

Jump to top

7 - A Few Kilos of Ore - Part 1

From the Diary of Princess Twilight Sparkle

I remember when I first became a Princess and complained about my lack of responsibilities, how my title felt empty, that aside from wings and an honorific my life had not changed. I wish I could feel that way again. Too much has changed in the decade since I ascended to my station, though many ponies believe life has finally returned to the way it was back then, but they are wrong.

For thousands of years Equestria was blind to the world. We believed most of it to be barren, sparsely inhabited, and overrun with monstrous creatures. All that was outside Equestria was not something to be especially interested in. Some ponies, myself included, did enjoy venturing out into the wider world to see what we could see but we never got very far. What I now know to be a hex compelled us to come back, to stay within our country.

One day we lost our innocence as a nation. We learned that a massive criminal organization had been controlling everypony, Celestia included, since the rise of the Diarchy itself. It focused on keeping the rest of the world out of Equestria, the world which teamed with life, some amazing and wonderful, plenty dark and wicked.

We overthrew them. It took three years and the help of new friends from far away lands. We received help from other nations once the word got out that we had no idea the Tribunal existed. They had believed the organization operated under Celestia’s orders as her Secret Service. That one group of evil ponies had the entire world fooled for an impossibly long time. Nopony truly believed they were entirely gone, none of us would ever act like they were either.

Immediately after the Tribunal had been driven off, the very moment we believed we felt safe and were hopeful for the future, death swept in from the skies. It was not my first encounter with humans. I have many trips through Starswirl’s mirror, but this was the first time I, or anypony else, had encountered hostile humans.

They called themselves the Arc, and were lead by a man known only as the Admiral. Every single one of them had been chopped up and wired into crude machinery, controlled like puppets by the Admiral in his mad quest to return home and slay the people who banished him to our world. He learned we had time travel spells, and with the Tribunal gone he went to take them.

The Arc was largely immune to magic, and our military and tactics were very crude in those days. Making matters worse was despite the unfinished appearance of their metal bodies, the Admiral’s soldiers fought like machines: Brutal, efficient, and tireless. It took us seven long years of battle to drive them out of Equestria. We lost dozens of towns, Fillydelphia was transformed into a lake, and many ponies lost those who were dear to them.

We survived, but we did not win. We resorted to using dark magic in battle, because light magic was ineffective. We fought, we killed, we resorted to acting on their level. It changed us so much that when at last we were able to penetrate their magical defences, the Elements and I sent the Admiral and his Arc through time just like he wanted. We didn’t send him to his own time, we sent him to the end of time, to the very last second before all of creation ends. We had expected the Elements to restore Equestria to the way it had been, but they didn’t, they couldn’t.

We truly lost our innocence. Ponies today are as happy as we used to be. The rebuilding is all finished, and families are growing once more, but the essence of our race, that spark of love and hope, has dimmed. The elements of harmony do not react well with this change. Much of their power is gone, and so we must now take more care of ourselves with our own hooves.

That is what we lost to humanity, and it is why I took the investigation very seriously when Celestia asked me to begin investigating the Emerald Hive, as she feared they might be experimenting with recovered human technology. In the wrong hooves their technology could kill millions, and even in the right hooves it could be unintentionally dangerous.

Those same reasons where why I had them brought two pegasi guardsmen from Appaloosa who were said to have encountered an Emerald Hive Scout to my castle in Ponyville in order to get an interview. What they told me was literally the worst news anypony could have given me.

“Please tell me one more time. I need more details. Every last thing you can remember. It could have been a changeling impersonating a human and not a human.” I asked.

I needed it to be a shapeshifted changeling. I wanted the elite fighting team part of my life to be over, I had a family now. Rainbow, Scootaloo, and I deserved peace, everypony did. “I don’t want to tell Celestia that humans are back unless you are entirely certain they are.”

Rusted Feathers nodded, his dull red fur was covered in several casts. The report said he suffered broken ribs and multiple fractured bones. “I don’t want them to be back anymore then you do your highness. It is possible I am mistaken, but we need to be cautious. I’ll go over everything I can one more time.”

He sat back in his chair for a moment as he thought. After a few seconds of silence his partner and husband, Midnight Haze, frowned, “She played music while she fought us. I think I can remember some of the words. My helmet couldn't translate all of her language… Wait, that means the enchanting matrix hadn’t heard her language before!”

That was something to note. I summoned a quill and parchment from my study upstairs and wrote down the clue. “So, they were not speaking Russian. That’s important, can you remember any of the song? It could be a battle anthem or a national signature.”

“I believe the opening line was something like ‘The goal of the snake’s creation is revealed in the crystal ball. He rides the waves, colliding with the ships of kings, and he owns your weapon.’ Though, that’s likely mistranslated. The song was played slowly, and featured a string instrument I am unfamiliar with, a full string section, and several trumpets. It sounded rather heroic, it would make for a good regiment’s anthem.” Midnight said with a nod.

“The human was in a uniform,” Rust added, “It was mostly black, but the shoulders were a dark red. She had an insignia on her as well.”

“Could you draw it?” I asked. The Arc had a very distinct emblem, I doubted he would forget the circle containing eight pointed star but that wasn’t out of the question.

“I’ll draw it. You go over the story hon.” Midnight offered.

“Thank you… Lets see, we landed to continue chasing the Scout to detain her as per standing orders, she called out to the human begging to be saved. The human acted surprised, as if she wasn't expecting to see anyone there.”

“Just a minute, you keep saying ‘she’, how can you tell the gender? Arc’s combat fraims don’t show any signs of gender.” I asked.

“Oh! I read your report on the humans of the mirror dimension. This was a female, softer facial features, longer hair, large mammary glands on the front of her chest. I remember the Arc had some individuals of importance in bodies which were more natural for their species so that’s not out of the question.”

I nodded, “True. Go on.”

“So, she acts surprised, I scream for Midnight to take her out in a panic, and he rushes in with a flying kick. He actually hit her too, knocked her over but she kicked him in the… well, a sensitive area and threw him off.”

That was odd. The Admiral’s slaves were armed with internal weapons. “She didn’t use a weapon?”

“No. I figured she was damaged. She threw Midnight to the side and I ran over to help. I threw a punch but she deflected it with her arm. I thought I was dead then, I’ve seen STARS used on a pony before, and she was in a martial stance, but she just threw a straight jab into my stomach. She even shouted a kiai like it was a sparring match! I dodged her strike and we traded a few punches and kicks… I wasn’t familiar with the style she was using and it threw me off. I did manage to hit her in the chest twice… I have heard that they have soft bodied frames too, but it felt like she had real flesh. She even got mad as if it hurt.”

I wrote that down, pieces of the puzzle were beginning to fall into place. Obvious gender, unknown martial art, good enough to hold her own with a Royal Guard… there was not yet enough to be sure. “She was hurt by a punch?”

Rust nodded, “Yes. It completely surprised me. Enough where she was able to grab my shoulders and well… She completely destroyed my ribcage with one quick strike of her knee.”

“Her knee?” I asked.

Midnight nodded, “I saw it. It was a very distinct move, obviously practiced and refined. I have never seen a human use that maneuver before and given what it did to Rust, it’s highly effective. I don’t think this human was with the Admiral. STARS would include that move if he knew about it.”

Another clue, and a big one. The Admiral loved his death dealing toys. “Can you remember anything else?”

“No I passed out after a while and I can’t remember anything from the last minute or so.” Rust informed.

“It’s ok dear, I do.” Midnight said comfortingly, “I had recovered and was about to help when Rust went down. The human said something, which the Scout translated for her. I was pretty mad, and I can’t remember it exactly but it was something along the lines of ‘Leave or I will break your knees.’ I was going to attack, but Rust asked me to take him to the hospital, so accepted her offer to let us retreat. Before I left, I remember the Scout asking her if and I quote ‘Is your Universal Translator broken?’”

Midnight looked up and passed me the page he had sketched on, “This was the emblem. Additionally, there were two small brass pips attached to her uniform on the collar.

I nodded as I looked at the emblem, “This is very close to the Emerald’s heraldry, the circle the arrowhead sits on is the only real difference.” Suddenly I realized something, “Her uniform was black and red, featured this emblem, and had small brass markings?”

He nodded. I double checked my list of clues, then sighed, “If you assume the exoskeleton counts as the black part of the uniform and the sash as the colored portion, the Emeralds have the same design. This is not a coincidence, the Emeralds have likely allied with a human group.”

Rust shook his head, “No that doesn't seem right, the Scout was equally surprised to see her and honestly acted… baffled but delighted. I remember she asked if somthing called the ‘Prime Directive’ was suspended if the knew what the human was, and she mentioned what I think is the name of a place ‘Earth’.”

I blinked, “Corporal, why didn’t you mention this before? Earth is the name of the planet the humans through the mirror live on! The Admiral’s humans came from a world called Terra!”

Midnight’s ears stood up in alarm, “Sweet Luna! It’s a new faction entirely and the changelings made contact with them first!”

I shook my head, “No they have acted as they do for centuries… They must have been aware of this new group’s existence but had not been able to contact them yet.” Which meant they had been somehow observing humans for years, possibly reverse engineering their technology based on their observations.

I sighed, this was bad. If Earth’s humans had the technology to travel across dimensions, they had to be from Earth’s future. The technology of the mirror universe was simply not advanced enough to do the job, and they had no magic. Which meant if they were hostile we were looking at another war. One we could not afford socially, financially, or spiritually.

“I need more information… I’ll have to send somepony to investigate.” I decided.

“Er- your highness, Rust, and I didn’t mention this in the official report for a reason. We fought on the front lines for most of the war. We know how much chaos letting ponies know about this will bring.” Midnight said hesitantly.

Rust nodded, “Also, this is a problem we should nip in the bud. My professional opinion as a soldier is you and the rest of the Elements should take care of this personally. That way if it’s what we fear, you can react instantly and not once it’s too late. Also your diplomatic training means if they are not hostile you have a better chance of getting information then a terrified spy or soldier would be.”

The stallion had a great point. “That is, a better course of action… I’ll see about having a commendation put on your record. No, that won't work. I would have to explain why and nopony accepts vague answers anymore. Perhaps I can award you a spell or charm as a token instead?” I offered.

Rust and Midnight blinked in surprise before holding a whispered conversation between themselves. I could already tell what they were going to ask was going to be personal, the blush on Rust’s face and the nervous body language was more then enough to cue me in. “Gentlecolts, I am not an old mare. I have never had the stigma for male relationships. What do you want to ask me?”

Rust cleared his throat, “Well, your highness, you see, during romantic moments, Midnight has a slight problem with er- entry. There is an issue with sizes of… parts. It often results in pain and the occasional embarrassing visit to a proctologist...”

I held up a hoof, “Say no more. I understand. I assume you want the alteration to be permanent, do you object to gray magic?” I asked, gray magic was relatively new, it was a compromise between light and dark’s strengths and weaknesses.

He shook his head. I closed my eyes and cast a simple transformation spell, the magic took root immediately. I felt the spell’s energy vanish as it did it’s work, and Rust’s yelp of surprise as he felt the effects.

“I’ve increased the size, ensured it stretches without tearing, and have made it self lubricating. For the record gentlecolts, should this spell expire, or you wish to get the same for your husband, it can be found at any erotica shop in Canterlot.”

Midnight glared daggers at Rust, “I told you they sold things like that!”

“I-I thought they just sold well you know, books, image crystals, and toys.” Rust admitted bashfully.

“Now, not a word of this to anypony, especially not my reward. I don’t want ponies to come to me instead of seeking spells commercially… again. I’ll include you two in any reports I send so you will know what happened, and you can get proper credit for your actions in the future. In the mean time, check into the hospital. I’ll pay for magic healing, I want you on your hooves and ready to go incase I need some good soldiers for this. Once healed you may stay in the castle, I will be gathering the Elements so find Lady Dash or our daughter and tell them I said to find the two of you a room… Make that a comfortable room.”

The two bowed offering me a, “Thank you, Princess.”

I smiled, a giggle escaping my lips. “You know, I remember when that bothered me.”

Captain’s Log: August 17th 1012

“Captain Tylor, wake up.”

I groaned and rolled over, pulling my blankets over my head.

“I need you to be awake right now. The other’s are up, I have a mission for you.”

The voice just wouldn’t stop it. THere was sleep to be had. Precious sleep which I hadn’t gotten any of last week, stupid military training.

“Ok then. Everyone, I have unlocked the door to her quarters. We will simply have the briefing in her room.” The voice sighed.

As my doors hissed open I blinked one eye open sleepily, Tess, Kaily, and Ad’ika groggily walked into my quarters. My quarters. I eeped and pulled my blanket tightly over myself as I sat up, scrabbling to the corner of my bed, “God damn it! Get out!”

Tess gave me a glare of death, “We have been waiting for thirty minutes. Get up so we can get this stupid thing over with.”

“We were waiting in a briefing room,” Kaily yawned, “then decided to come get you.”

“That’s nice, get out!” As no one moved I groaned and added, “Fur is really warm, so all I have on right now is this blanket!”

An opaque black wall flickered into existence around my bed and foot locker. “Ah. Right, sorry. I honestly keep forgetting about modesty. That value died you know.” Phoenix informed.

I crawled across my bed muttering darkly to myself. Agreeing to help an AI with a love of jokes from a different era of humanity had not been my best idea ever. It took me a few seconds to get dressed, and by the time I had gotten my vest on I was feeling the dregs of sleep deprivation again. “Almost ready.” I mumbled.

Realizing I had a replicator on my omnitool I flicked the screen on and started sorting through food items. A small icon in the corner of the screen caught my eye, “So… trying to replicate coffee or something. Why is there a little red blinking ‘x’ in the top left-”

“Your omnitool is out of ink.” Phoenix informed, “The internal battery on a civilian model is quite small, but I am not allowed to install them fully charged for safety reasons. You can charge it at any power note within my hull. Once you have passed basic I can upgrade them to military specifications, in the meantime I have remote power packs as a part of your mission gear.”

“‘Kay.” I tapped the black barrier to make sure it wasn’t solid, then stepped through to charge the stupid thing.

“I thought you would know how to operate one.” Ad’ika said in a confused tone.

“Ad’ika, their uniforms are twenty-fourth century. I am thirty-first century. Much of my technology did not exist for them.” Phoenix expertly lied. I made a note to take anything she said with a grain of salt.

As my omnitool beeped to show it was full I went back to choosing a wake up drink. Scrolling through the menu I stopped on one particular drink. “Why is- no screw it I’ve always wanted to try this.”

A few taps of the screen and a few seconds later I had a small silver can in my hand.

“What, you can’t label redbull cans? Copyright law or somthing?” Tess asked confused.

“This isn’t redbull.” I informed, “It’s an energy drink for people who need gratuitous amounts of energy.”

“Did you just replicate a can of powerthirst?” Phoenix asked.

I nodded, popped the top and had about five sips before all of the sleepiness simply vanished. “Woah! This actually works!”

“Um yeah… It’s absorbed right into the bloodstream through the soft tissues in your mouth thanks to containing a… You should drink that really slowly.” Phoenix said nervously.

I flipped off her camera and continued drinking the weirdly ok tasting, actually effective energy drink. I should have bought these all the time back in college. “Let’s just do whatever it is that’s stopping me from getting a full night’s sleep.”

“Yeah, enough waiting!” Tess agreed. Ad’ika and Kaily nodded in agreement.

“Ok.” Phoenix projected a holoscreen into the middle of my room. It showed a bunch of technical stuff, a few maps, and a aerial photo of a small town with a circled area near it, it couldn’t be any more cliche war movie it tried. “The element shown on your screen now is Osmium 187, it’s a fairly rare isotope of Osmium and it’s vital we get at least fifteen kilograms. Before you ask, it can’t be replicated, and because I do not have a fission plant within my hull, or the authorization to construct one, I can not synthesize it either.

“Osmium 187 is one of three substances which can be used to construct the quantum-link batteries required for my primary reactor. I have been running on my three fusion plants since I was revived, as a result power management is quite important, and many of my systems are directly connected to my currently inactive antimatter reactor. As you know, antimatter reactions yield an incredible amount of energy, so as a safety precaution I can not activate my main reactor without the battery banks online to absorb excess energy.

“Unfortunately, over time my batteries degraded and are no longer useable. I can repair them, and much of the material can be recycled but a fresh supply of 187 must be secured. Fifteen kilograms is the minimum required to get my powerplant online. Optimally, we would get 40 kilograms. While my children do have an extensive mining operation beneath my hull, Osmium is not found within the local area.”

“So, you want us to go get some? Pull a fetch quest and trade with some miners?” I asked. I could swear that Phoenix was speaking a bit slower than normal.

“No. Osmium is rare on this world, it is typically found in iridosmine deposits. Fortunately a scout’s report this morning indicates that a Diamond Dog owned mine within Equestria has just found a large vein of iridosmine. I need you to go to the mine and get at least 45 kilograms of iridosmine so I can extract the required amount of Osmium from it.” Phoenix informed.

“Wait,” Ad’ika asked incredulously, “you want them to go to a Diamond Dog mine? I mean, they don’t have a starship’s resources! I’m sure they could get it with a ship and crew, but the four of us? Isn’t that the whole point of putting them into basic training?”

“Yes,” Pheonix answered with a sigh, “but unfortunately all reports I have indicate that the Dog’s take all of the iridosmine they find and ship it to an unknown location. It’s obviously important to them and it won't be there for long. We need to move now, no matter how disadvantaged we are.”

“So it’s a mine… but what are Diamond Dogs?” Tess asked. “Are we going to fight a David Bowie album?”

I could swear everyone was talking much slower than normal. I took another sip of my drink as Kaily pulled up the bestiary she had been making on her omnitool. “Apparently they are bipedal canines, subterranean, highly territorial, hostile to just about everything, spend most of their lives underground, enslave locals to work their mines, and are known to eat their slaves when they are no longer of use.”

“So we need to go retrieve the maguffin crystals from a Duergar mine? I think we can handle that as long as we make a good plan and stick to it.” I said calmly.

“Ok, someone take that from her.” Phoenix groaned.

As I started to plan out how we could infiltrate a mine Kaily snatched the can from my hand, “Hey!”

Giving me a stern look Kaily said something in slow motion. “What?” I asked angrily.

“You were drinking a combat stim Captain. It was named for the old energy drink by soldiers. Please speak slowly, you are in a state of controlled hyperactivity.” This time her voice sounded relatively normal.

“Oh... “ I took a breath and did my best to slow down, “So we are basically going to rob a Duergar mine?”

“Yes.” Phoenix answered, “I have repaired your vehicle and made several upgrades. Additionally, I have equipment prepared for the mission. I know it’s very soon to send you somewhere but the last time we had a shot at getting Osmium was six years ago, and it was inaccessible due to the Equestrian-Arc war. I do have a plan to get you in the mine, though getting out will be largely up to you.”

Kaily nodded and looked at the map, “The circled region is the mine?”

“This is the only known entrance to the mine. It is very likely there are others within the Everfree Forest. The nearby city is capital of the Whitetail fiefdom, an agricultural region managed by the Apple family… Er, to save you a history lesson the region is called Whitetail, it produces a large percentage of the food for the Kingdom of Equestria. It is ruled by Princess Twilight Sparkle from the city of Ponyville, and managed by the Apples, who are a fairly high ranking noble family. The Apples have known about the Diamond Dogs for many years, and brokered a treaty with them. Essentially in return for twenty percent of the mine’s resources the Dogs are permitted the use of the territory.

“Because of this there is an entrance near Ponyville where the Dogs turn over their payment to the ponies. The entrance is large enough for you to drive the Sagan into. While the iridosmine will not be stored there, a large enough distraction can be caused by making a stand at the mine’s entrance. I have constructed two portable cloaking field generators, that’s all I could manage on my current power supply. Two of you can use them to sneak into the mine, which our scout managed to map, make your way to the store room and steal the iridosmine.” Phoenix informed, sounding rather proud of her plan.

“That’s not a bad strategy,” Kaily mused, “But how will we hold off the Dogs? Do they have any way of detecting cloaked objects?”

Ad’ika smiled. “I can do Dogs. I could impersonate a diamond dog and get the iridosmine while someone goes with me cloaked. That way whoever holds off the dogs also has a cloaking field and can use that to their advantage.”

“That’s brilliant! I didn’t know you had learned Dogs Ad’ika, when did you pick that up?” Phoenix asked.

“Three years ago,” she answered, “some Diamond Dogs traded a few tons of iron at Appleloosa and I was able to get a good enough look to figure out how they work.”

“This seems like a good plan. I doubt they can keep up with the RV, so we should only have to prevent them from capturing it.” Tess nodded. “I think Kaily and I should guard the Sagan. Kaily has the ops training so she probably knows how to work the cloak, and I’m basically our big gun so I should guard the exit.”

“That would leave me to help retrieve the iridosmine.” I noted. It was a pretty good plan. We had a map of the mine, cloaking devices, other equipment, “That’s a good plan. What can we expect the Dog’s to be armed with? What weapons will we have?”

Phoenix adjusted her projected screen to display a selection of weapons. “I have manufactured several standard small arms. You can have your choice of them. Additionally I have updated your omnitool’s software, you can now produce hardlight shields and blades. As for the Dogs, they are medieval in technology, but especially vicious. While their underlings are armed often with crudely fashioned weapons, their elites often have fullplate and high quality weapons.

“Additionally, they are adept enchanters. Expect their armor to deflect or stop the first shot, but enough concentrated fire should eventually put them down or force a retreat. Also their weapons have been shown to penetrate force fields with enough strikes. They seem to absorb energy.”

My eyes widened. “That’s pretty damn dangerous to throw us at!” I exclaimed.

“It is,” Phoenix admitted, “but you will be equipped with kinetic barriers, armed with micro-railgun weaponry, and have your hardlight weaponry to fall back on. Admittedly your training is lacking, and the odds are not perfect, but I believe the surprise and fear factor will be more then enough to allow your superior technology to make up for the numbers and magic disadvantages.”

“Fear factor?” I asked along with Kaily.

“You are not technically the first humans to come here. A predominantly cybernetic military force was here before you. They do not count as humans by my programming do to many factors. Chief among which was they were very hostile towards civilians. They were defeated by Equestria in a long war and are no longer on world. Don’t worry, you do not look much like they did. The warframes they used were chrome brain-buckets. But the technology I will give you is very similar to the 27th century technology they had, and will invoke terror in any Dog who fought them.”

Kaily held up a hand, “Woah! Hold it! An invasion force of humans attacked this planet?”

We all remembered her telling us that humans were extinct as far as she could tell.

“They were not native to this universe. They were in no way related to you.” Phoenix informed.

Ad’ika nodded, “Yeah. We think they might have been from the mirror universe. Their ideals were completely the opposite of the Federation’s.”

“Are locals going to shoot us on sight?” I demanded.

“That explains why those two pegasi attacked me without much thought…” Tess muttered.

Phoenix's answer was quick to come. She clearly had it ready. “You resemble the Arc’s humans only in general shape. The fact that you are flesh and bone is a clear difference. Additionally, the fact that you are able to talk to them is something the Arc could not do… They were basically the borg. Furthermore, if you can show someone you can tell a lie they will know you are not affiliated with the Arc and will treat you fairly.”

“Why the fuck would that even work?” I demanded.

“The Arc’s commander sold his species ability to tell a lie to a demon in exchange for psionic abilities. They could not tell a lie no matter how badly they wanted to. This fact is common knowledge. So if you hold up a blue pen and say it’s red, you a have demonstrated that you are in no way related to them, as if you were you would have to tell the complete truth at all times.”

That made sense. “Ok. Everyone remember that. We definitely are going to need to use it. So then… what weapons do we have?”

“I have supplied the Sagan with standardized micro-railguns. You each have a pistol, and a multi-rifle. I have preset the weapons to fire at non-lethal velocities, they will leave a target severely bruised and unconscious but alive, barring accidents of course. While you can switch the weapons to use a deadly velocity via omnitool please only do so only if you absolutely need to kill something. It would be best to have this be as small a diplomatic incident as possible.

“The weapons are smart linked to your nano systems, unlike your training you will have a heads up display projected directly onto your retina. You will know exactly where you are aiming, how much heat has built up in your weapons, and the status of your other equipment. The handguns fire a single round per trigger pull, they are short range but designed to penetrate armor. The Multi-rifles can be cycled between a long range single fire mode, a rapid fire mid range mode, and a shotgun like spread.”

Tess narrowed her eyes angrily. It was damn creepy looking thanks to her new green glowing eyes. “We get a HUD when on missions? Why the hell aren't we training with one?”

“‘Train your troops without their greatest tools and when they have them they will be better for it.’ - Admiral Rubin Prem. In other words, by training you to use your own natural abilities, you learn to think and not rely on your tools. You training is meant to teach you to innovate even under stress.” Phoenix explained.

“Fair enough… So we don’t have to actually kill anyone, we are just there to steel some ore, the enemy is pretty much just orks, we have sci-fi weapons and force fields, a good plan, and super powers. I think we can do this but first I have one question.” I looked towards Phoenix's camera. Deciding to toss a shirt over it or something later, I continued, “Have you tried to get the iridosmine any other way? We have just been sort of going along with your suggestion, surely you can try to trade, or-”

Ad’ika shook her head suddenly enough to make me stop talking. “No. I was here the last time her majesty attempted diplomacy with the Dogs. The ‘negotiation’ ended when one of them ate a nymph to make an example.”

Kaily’s eyes narrowed, “Ate a nymph? As in, one of your children?”

“Not mine, at least I don't think she was, but yes, someone’s child.” Ad’ika answered.

Phoenix sighed. “They see changelings as… subhuman. They refuse to trade with us. The incident was my fault, I could not explain what I was to their chief so he assumed I refused to show myself to him and in a rage, he killed and ate a young Worker. Bit her head clean off. The only reason their treaty with the Apples exists is due to a one hundred and twenty eight day long siege of their mine and the eventual capturing of its chief.”

“So… how exactly do you switch the guns from stun to kill?” Tess asked in a dark tone.

“Oh I don’t care if you kill them, I care how that makes us look to the Equestrians. We will need to formulate an alliance with them later, and they are very pacifistic. Unless the killing was completely justified in that circumstance they would disapprove. They have a piece of arcane enchantment we need, so we can’t afford to anger them overly much in these early stages.”

I nodded, everything seemed pretty cut and dry. “Ok. So we have a small time window to capture a valuable resource, diplomacy is not an option and the enemy are child eating monsters. I’m ready, let’s go. Phoenix you can fill me in on what you have done to my ship while we walk.”

I started walking, the route to the hanger was something I had studied in case things went south. Everyone else followed along quickly, various exclamations of agreement filling the air as we left.

Jump to top

8 - A Few Kilos of Ore - Part 2

Chief Engineer’s Log: August 17th 1045

Phoenix had done a real number on the Sagan. It barely counted as the original RV at this point. It took her a full twenty minutes to explain the new systems she had added. Mostly because with Ad’ika on board we had to pretend everything was Federation technology and thus, all of the new stuff was on paper as ‘stuff she Pheonix fixed’.

She had added honest to god inertial dampeners. I honestly wanted to know how the physics of that worked, but for now knowing that the ride would be completely smooth regardless of terrain was pretty nice. Another great system which would let us speed to our destination was a low level structural integrity field that would keep everything together under normal conditions. Basically, her upgrades would let us speed over any terrain at top speed and not die if we hit a ditch or something.

That was just the new ‘hull system’, there was also a full comms system, a navigation and sensor system, and a combat system. The Sagan’s combat system was a low level force shield generator… and that was basically it for the combat systems. Apparently Phoenix would have had an easier time making a vehicle from scratch then fitting a weapons system into the old girl.

It was a power problem. Phoenix had fixed the solar panels and their batteries but those were now an emergency power system. The main power plant, which was required to run all of the new gadgets was a completely terrifying to have under your feet. It was basically a real life physics glitch.

“Ok, go over it one more time. It’s a what?” I asked.

“It’s an energy siphon membrane device. An ESMD.” Phoenix repeated.

“How exactly does that work?” I demanded. Absolutely nothing in my extensive knowledge of physics gave me absolutely any indication of how that might work.

“We don’t have time for me to explain applied string theory in detail… Basically the... It just works, ok? It’s safe, yes it violates thermodynamics, and no you can’t explain it with the standard model.”

Ed turned around to look at the monitor on the dash Phoenix was projecting her avatar onto, “Wait, what? How?”

“I second that.” Tess added.

“That’s the easy part,” I answered, “Thermodynamic laws only apply to thermodynamic systems. That is, systems which can be described by thermodynamic variables such as temperature, entropy, internal energy and pressure. If you cannot describe it like that, it isn’t a thermodynamic system and the laws of thermodynamics do not apply… But how the hell would you use a non-thermodynamic system to generate energy? If you somehow brought more energy into a thermodynamic system that violates thermodynamics.”

Phoenix groaned, “Applied String Theory is one of the most complicated degrees in human history. On Equis, it’s called magic. Humans called it science, and were on the verge of figuring it out via completely technological means. Look, aside from what you use the energy generated returns from where it came. It’s basically like running an extension cord to another room, only the other room is in another dimension.”

“So, it’s technology that uses magic, to borrow power from outside the universe? Why the fuck are we going to get the goddamn osmium if you can build these?” Ed demanded angrily.

Phoenix groaned again. I felt bad, it was like seeing a parent explaining to their child why the sky is blue. “Because they are weird. They produce just barely enough power to run the Sagan’s systems, which is not even one millionth of my power requirements. ESMDs can’t be made bigger or they won't work, they can’t be made smaller or they won't work, you can’t have them within a kilometer of each other or they stop working, and you quite literally can't let anything look at it while it’s running or it stops… But they do really work. I mean you are using it right now.”

“That’s incredibly absurd…” I noted out loud.

“I know, and frankly, compared to the spells unicorns have created here, it sucks. It’s the only thing I can supply you with that fits your vessel, provides enough power… Well… It almost provides enough power. Don't microwave anything while you have the shields up, ok? Oh, and don’t think about the ESMD too hard. Seriously, if you do it may stop working until you forget about it again. Just focus on the mission. Opening the cargo bay doors.” There was a loud metallic groaning sound as sunlight slowly flooded the cargo bay.

Ed turned the key and started to drive towards the doors. It was incredible! We were actually moving a vehicle inside of a universe using electrical power created by draining energy from a higher dimension, or possibly somewhere outside our universe entirely! The ESMD was a device which was not only amazing but was a working proof of multiverse theory!

If you could use a device to transfer energy from one universe to another, it stood to reason you could also send information. An ESMD could be modified into an inter-universe telephone! This single invention was literally the single most amazing-

A loud sound only describable as a ‘thurip’ echoed through the cargo bay. The Sagan stopped dead, halfway out of the cargo bay doors.

Ed turned to me slowly, narrowed her eyes and growled, “Kaily...”

“Sorry.” I squeaked sheepishly.

“Stop thinking what you are thinking so we can drive.” She slowly turned back to stare out the windshield.

A few seconds later the power came back with a loud ‘piff’ sound and Ed resumed driving.

“Assholes should have called it Schrodinger's Reactor…” I muttered turning to look out the window.

“Setting a course for the Ponyville mine. We should reach it by fourteen hundred tomorrow if we sleep for six hours.” Ed announced, “No more thinking or speaking about the power thingie. That’s an order.”

Fifty yards later the Sagan died again.

“Sorry!” Tess moaned, “I couldn’t help it… It’s just such a stupid generator!”

Ed grit her teeth, held up one hand to silence her and waited for the power to come back. After a few minutes of quietly concentrating on how nice a cloud looked the engines piffed back to life and we started moving.

Then lurched to a stop as the power cut out again.

“Oops… I was happy the power came back…” Ad’ika squeaked. I could see her grinning sheepishly in the rear view mirror.

Ed balled her hands into fists, and screamed to the heavens, “Fuck! Even in the future nothing works!”

I slammed a fist against the dashboard, “God damn it! Everyone occupy yourself somehow!”

Doing my best to ignore everything else I turned to stare out the passenger window. The world outside technically was Earth, but there was that old saying ‘time changes all’. The blue skies, red rocks, and flowing sands looked like Earth’s, but they weren't anymore. The world had completely changed, in a way the Earth was dead.

That would be a morbid thought in most people, but not for me. I had lived in many places all across Earth, nine countries, almost every single state in the US, spoke two languages, and had read about every place on the planet the internet said was worth seeing. I even had examined the world from space via satellite scans, searching for interesting features people might have missed back when National Geographic offered bounties for discovering new rainforests. I had as thoroughly explored the Earth as anyone could.

Most people would have formed an emotional attachment. I didn’t. Everywhere I had gone people were the same, there were only really a dozen different ways placed tended to look, in a phrase, the Earth bored me.

The same planet was laid out before me now, but how many years had passed? The maps Phoenix had showed me said we were way more than just a thousand years into Earth’s future. Judging by continental drift alone millions of years had passed. The Earth boasted a Supercontinent once more, and species had evolved so much that the planet was now filled with sentients.

Earth had been refreshed, and like a clever piece of art disguised as a web page randomized into something new and interesting. A whole new world to discover, one filled with creatures capable of producing culture, art, and science who were not just another batch of slightly different bipedal apes. It was wonderful!

Even the rocks outside my window were captivating. I had seen thousands like them before in the Mojave but these were not just Earth rocks. These were Equis rocks, the rocks of a world alien to me and yet possibly continuing the past future history of my species.

Nothing I can think of can compare to the satisfaction of knowing no other human has ever been anywhere in this new world. Well, no humans worth calling human at any rate. This world held countless new wonders, and I would be the first real human to see them.

Once we had helped out Phoenix and her changelings I knew exactly what I was going to do. Pick the second star to the right and fly through the night until morning.

From the Journal of Princess Twilight Sparkle:

Everypony gathered in the castle map room a mere half hour after I sent messengers for them. A few years ago it would have taken them ten minutes to arrive with their mission gear and ready to go. I hoped that we could take even longer next time we had to do something. Celestia willing this would be nothing, little more than a false alarm and my friends and I could continue settling back down into a more pleasant life.

Rainbow arrived first. Which was to be expected, she lived here and was the fastest one of us to boot. Fluttershy arrived moments after Rainbow with a soft smile on her lips and a hopeful but sad look in her eyes. Rarity was next, her gear packed in two brand new saddlebags which lacked her usual flair, favoring function over form but unwilling to compromise aesthetics overly much. Then Applejack and Pinkie who arrived together, mentioning a family gathering as their reason for being late.

Spike arrived moments later. He had grown substantially in the last nine years, he almost stood as tall as Celestia now, and his wings had finally grown in. His mind had developed as well, the playful childlike nature I had grown up with for twenty five years now had a few layers of responsibility wrapped over it.

As Spike entered the room his eyes flicked over everypony and their bags. With a grim nod he asked, “Mission?”

I nodded.

“I’m to assume the role of your steward while you are away?” He asked.

I nodded again.

“Mission classified?”

I nodded once more, “Yes Spike. Keep the guard on full alert until I get back. If there is even a hint of trouble have the guard use the shield runes and get everypony to the shelter.”

He nodded, his snout twisting into a frown, “It’s not him is it?”

“No,” I answered, “but it could be just as bad.”

“Understood. I’ll leave you ladies too it.” Spike sighed and turned to leave the room. Just before he closed the door he paused, looked back over his shoulder and wished, “Good luck.”

As the door boomed shut the three crystals above it glowed, activating the espionage countermeasures spells I warded the map chamber with Applejack spoke up. “Wait, has somepony caught sight of an Arc trooper? Cuz from what you said, well…”

Rarity nodded, “You did imply that, Twilight. I’m sure you would have told us to bring our armor if you knew for sure, but if you even suspect that he has-”

“I don’t suspect the Admiral is doing much of anything.” I interrupted. “This is different, it could be much the same if we are not lucky, or, Luna willing, it could be an opportunity for us. I have some papers here for the briefing.”

I grabbed a stack of parchment envelopes with my magic and passed one to each of my friends. “You have fifteen minutes to read through those before I intend to brief you on my plan and get this operation underway. I expect we will only counter light if any resistance so our adventurer’s kits should be everything we need. If after reading the dossier you think you need more you have five minutes to get it and get back here. We need to move as quickly as equinely possible.”

I trotted over to my throne and took a seat. Everypony else followed suit and began to read through their dossiers. Each was a copy of the interview with Rust and Midnight, my personal motes, basic information on the emeralds, maps of the badlands, everything I thought could be important.

Pinkie smiled half way through reading, and bunched up her copy into a small ball. “Got it!” she exclaimed and tossed the stack of parchment over her shoulder, directly into the fireplace.

Rarity nodded as well, “I think I understand too. Is everypony else done? I would like to talk a little first.”

“Yeah pretty much,” Rainbow informed setting her copy down. Rarity and Applejack followed suit quickly enough.

“Are you sure you read enough?” I asked in concern.

They all nodded as Rarity continued, “You are a very good leader Twilight. To be honest, I only had to read your opinion on the situation and your list of evidence. I agree with your belief that these humans may mean us no harm.”

“I agree too.” Fluttershy informed. “We know they like to fight, and the scout did ask for help. Remember when Ms. Twelve said, ‘Helping the underdog is simply instinct?’”

Pinkie shrugged, “Well, most of them are big meanie pants… Well, except for Ms. Thirteen-Minus-One. Oh! We could ask her if she knows anyone who looks like this human does! You know, if you think there is time.”

I put a hoof to my chin in thought, “We could, but she has on many occasions asked to be left alone. It would be rude to-”

“Twi, this could be her kin up to no good again. We should ask her.” Applejack said in her half afraid half calm tone. It always got under my fur when she spoke like that. It was creepy.

Rainbow nodded in agreement. “Scry her up hon. I’m sure she’s ok with being bothered for a minute to make sure the worlds safe.”

“All right, we’ll ask her.” I sighed. I hadn’t wanted to involve Twelve. Even though she had defected to our side at the end of the war, she was still a whole host of bad memories for me thanks to her pack of cyberdogs.

I quickly cast a two way scrying spell, instantly an oval of light winked into existence over the map where everypony could see it.

“Operator Twelve.” I ordered, the white plastic, silvery chrome, and black rubber skeleton-like body of Twelve instantly filled the bubble. Her blue glowing eyes flickered in surprise as the scrying spell blinked into existence in front of her.

With a sound like water hitting a hot stove a beam of red light lanced through the spell, disrupting it for a moment. Twelve gestured with one hand towards the floor, her steel teeth flashing unsettlingly as she berated one of her pets. “Bad dog! It’s just a comm spell. Sit!”

Clearing my throat I asked, “Ms. Twelve, this is very important. Would you be willing to identify a symbol for us? We think it’s human.”

“I see.” She sighed, face contorting to display emotions I still couldn’t read. “Show me.”

I held up my original sketch of the Emerald’s emblem. Twelve squinted at it through the spell, looking at it for far longer than I knew she would need to. “I can’t identify it. Nothing in my memories, nothing on my hard drive, nothing on the server. It does look like something humans would use… but not Terrans. It’s too simple to be one of ours, though it could be one of the rebel colonies logos. Where did you find it?”

“Two soldiers fought a creature they believe to be a human near Appleloosa. This was a badge on her uniform. They also believe she was not… well, she was flesh and blood.” I answered.

“Then she is not affiliated with the Terran Empire. Though that does make her being a part of a rebel colony less likely. They had to use cybernetics to fend us off… I assume you are going to track her down?” Twelve asked.

I nodded.

Twelve sighed and shook her head slowly. “I would help you, but my oath of pacifism stands. If she is a part of my former CO’s crew contact me again and I will help. Until then, do not underestimate her. Before our species turned to cybernetics for perfection we were wild and unpredictable.You implied she is in a uniform. If she is alone, she is likely a highly trained special operative. Consider her armed and dangerous until you can prove otherwise. I have to go now, my regeneration cycle begins in twenty seconds. End communication.”

The spell blinked out of existence, the counter magic field Twelve had projected disrupting it instantly.I flinched, “Ugh… I hate it when they do that!”

“Ok, so we know that if this really is a human, she is not from Terra.” Rainbow summarized, “That didn’t really accomplish much… Since you know, your notes say that her homeworld is called Earth.”

“True,” Fluttershy mused, “but now we can say for sure she is not Terran. I think we should try talking first.”

“You mean after some spy’n?” Applejack asked with a raised eyebrow, “or do you want to just blindside someone who might kick your flank for hugging them?”

Fluttershy’s ears fell, “I-I didn’t mean we should be stupid AJ…”

“Ah know… I’m just real shook up.” AJ sighed, “Forgive me?”

Flutershy nodded. "Of course I forgive you."

“Girls,” I called to get everyone’s attention, “That settles my plan. We are going to use the map to locate the human and teleport a half mile behind her position. We will follow her for as long as we can under the assumption she is a human from an alternate universe and dangerous but not hostile. We will keep up surveillance until we know where she is from, what she is doing here, and if she is a threat. At which point, we will either take her out or try and welcome her as a friend.”

“Welcome her as a friend?” Rarity exclaimed. “Why in Luna’s good name would we do that? Shouldn’t we try and keep her away from…” Rarity trailed off, tapping a hoof to her chin in thought, “No… I think I see your idea now. If we can show everypony there are friendly humans out there we might undo some of the damage they did to us.”

I nodded, smiling as she understood my plan. “Exactly! Consider this an extension of Operation Redemption. Since Earth’s humans have found a way to come here on their own, we have an opportunity to show everypony they have the capacity to be good as well as evil. The reminder of the war may hurt them in the short run but-”

“A new friend will make them smile more in the long run!” Pinkie finished for me. “Let’s do it!” she exclaimed bouncing eagerly.

I nodded, made sure everyone was in their throne so the magic could take effect properly then directed my magic to the map. Focusing my mind I instructed the map to show me where the human was, within seconds the cutiemark symbols on our thrones glowed, lifted off the backs of our seats, drifted to the map, and hovered over a small spot in the badlands near Bossman Hill.

“I wish we could go there.” I said, channeling my magic into the map room’s spellcircuts. The magic raced through the room, folding back on itself amplifying my teleport spell until a sudden flash of rainbow light filled the room. When it cleared the six of us stood on a sandy dune in the badlands.

Nothing but orange rocks, dull sand, and cacti as far as the eye could see. The sun beamed down harshly, the air rippled with heat, it was a hot day even for the badlands. Of all the places in Equestria, I liked this one the least.

“Remember when most of our problems came from the Everfree?” Rainbow asked, fluttering her wings to try and keep cool.

Rarity nodded, “Yes… but it wouldn’t be an adventure if sweat didn’t ruin my coat at some point.”

It was time to get down to business. “All right girls,” I said, “we should fan out and look for-”

“That fast moving definitely human vehicle over there.” Applejack called pointing with one hoof to a silvery rectangular vehicle quickly receding into the distance.

“This is bad! That looks like it could hold a whole squad of soldiers and their gear!” Rainbow exclaimed.

I nodded. “Right, we’re following that. Everyone get ready to run!”

I quickly cast two spells, the first one would shield us from the blazing desert heat, the second one would give us the endurance to gallop at three times the normal speed for as long as the spell held out. The moment the spells were cast everypony took off running. This wasn’t the first time we had to trail a human made vehicle on hoof.

“Rainbow, if we start to lose them we should pull a Fillydelphia.” Fluttershy suggested.

“Why do you two call it a Fillydelphia?” Pinkie asked as we ran after the silver box on the horizon. “You two were in Trottingham right?”

“We thought it was Fillydelphia.” Rainbow answered quickly.

“Those two cities really do look alike. You’d think they would have made Filly look distinct when they rebuilt it.” Rarity quipped.

“Let’s save our breath for running.” AJ said, “If Twilight’s spell fails while that thing’s still moving we’ll need every bit to keep sprinting after it.”

“Good point,” I noted, “Let’s not be sloppy. Besides, that thing could have sonic detection devices…” I narrowed my eyes, focusing on the vehicle. It was weird but I could swear there was a magical signature on it. A really bizarre one.

“Although, Rarity, dose that vehicle have a spell signature?” I asked curiously.

Rarity narrowed her eyes in focus for a few moments before nodding, “I think so… It seems quite primitive, but there is definitely an enchantment on the vehicle.”

“Interesting…” I stealthily reached out with the barest thread of my magic, probing the strange vehicle to see what I could learn about the mysterious spell signature. If the humans had any magical security, one false move and I could blow the operation. On the other hoof, if they had some sort of spell as an ace in the hole I needed to know what it was.

“That’s interesting…” I muttered as I worked out the spell’s nature. “The vehicle seems to run on magical energy, but I can't quite figure out how the spell is powering it.”

“If they could have detected you, they would have by now.” Pinkie pointed out. Suddenly she gasped, “Oh my gosh! Twilight, is the kitty ok?!”

“What cat? Is there a cat there?” I asked in confusion probing the spell matrix deeper. “I’m not seeing any cat… I’m not seeing anything that should be generating power in the entire spell! That’s not scientifically possible! How is that thing even running?”

As if by magic, the silver vehicle lurched to a halt. The six of us dove for cover, laying belly flat against the sand. A faint scream of rage drifted across the badlands. A few seconds later, the vehicle began moving again.

“Um Twilight… Maybe you shouldn’t poke their spell anymore.” Fluttershy whispered.

I nodded. “Yeah… Right girls, let’s get moving before they lose us.”

<>

Recovered Document: Diamond Dog Chief’s Orders

Slave Master Rottcoat,

The vein of arcanacite must be fully harvested by tomorrow morning. Big Boss is sending pony mage to make sure we don’t cheat him on the shipment. While he was pleased I sent him the hides of the three who decided to keep some for themselves, he no longer trusts us as completely as he used to. If we fail or betray him this time we will be thrown into the Styx to be a harpie’s dinner.

I am well aware we do not have enough Dogs to finish mining the ore in time. I want you to go to pony town and take all the slaves you can carry. Don’t worry about Apple’s, ponies weak from last war still, ponies afraid. Take all you can, but leave the old. We will work them to death if needed then feast like kings tomorrow night.

I will give an extra three gems from our payment to any Dog who captures a pony. Fail me and it will be all of our heads. Succeed and I will dispose of my useless lieutenant and give his position to you.

Chief Stonewater

Jump to top

10 - A Few Kilos of Ore - Part 4

From the Journal of Princess Twilight Sparkle

Running to the mine without any real break was not my best idea. We had just run for eight hours, sustained by magic, hastened by spellcraft. All six of us were hungry, and even with the magical assistance we were fatigued.

Rarity and I were low on mana, AJ, and Pinkie were too hungry to think straight, Dash, and Shy were too sore to fly. Unfortunately for us, orders were orders, and so we ran for another eight hours. Right though the black of night until the sun began to peek over the horizon and the rocky foothills of Mount Everfree lay underhoof.

The mine’s main entrance lay perhaps three hundred yards away. It looked like a gaping hole in the side of a hill made of iron banded fire blackened logs with massive wooden doors like some sort of house for giants. Though it would be more appropriate to call it a concentration camp them a home.

A massive four pony tall piece of carved obsidian sat over the entrance, shaped into a pair of obelisks which helixed around a core of dark amethyst, and tapered to needle like points. The Dogs called it the ‘Earthroot’, a symbol for their people and a display of their wealth. The entire point of the marker was it was difficult to make, made from rare gem grade materials, and made entirely by slave labor.

I had hated that statue ever since I first read about it. I can’t even remember how many letters I had written to Celestia begging her to let me purge the Dogs from my fiefdom, but the truce stood. Their agreement to not enslave ponies was never enough to satisfy me. Not while other species toiled in their mine.

I laughed grimly, prompting Aj to look at me in concern. “Ya all right?”

I shook my head, “No. Do you have any idea how many times I have asked Celestia to destroy this place? The first time in five years she has ordered me to come here, and she puts us on intelligence gathering… Not to mention I’m too tired to do anything about this place anyways.”

AJ nodded in agreement, “I hear ya. I wish my great grandma had driven ‘em off instead of agreeing to play nice. Can’t blame her though, we still thought harmony would work for everypony back then.”

“I still think it can,” Fluttershy said softly, “not every one of them is bad. They just need more time to learn.”

“Maybe, but until then it would be best if they weren't three hours march from Ponyville.” Rainbow muttered.

“Oh-well, yes.” Fluttershy agreed. “I don’t think we shouldn’t protect ourselves. I just think we should try to be friendly when we can to them. They won't change if they aren’t shown a better way.”

Rarity lifted her head over the rocky outcropping we were hiding behind, “I’m inclined to agree with Fluttershy.”

“Even though they tried to make you a slave?” Rainbow asked skeptically.

“Yes. Our ancestors were just as barbaric before the pre-classical period. They can grow into something better too. Though I personally would prefer it if they did it somewhere other than here.” Rarity sighed. “But it isn’t our job to make them leave today. We should focus on our mission.”

I nodded, “True… Everypony’s tired, we should work out a watch for the night. We can get a few hours of sleep and a meal before the humans show up if we are careful.”

Pinkie shook her head, quickly pointing to the mine, “That’s a hole in the ground full of mean Dogs.”

“Er- yes.” I replied, giving her a confused look.

“The wind’s blowing towards them, and we are pretty close.” Pinkie added, gesturing for me to put what she was saying together.

“Oh my!” Fluttershy squeaked, “Their sense of smell! They already know we are here! We should retreat!”

Fluttershy started looking around the rock strewn, plains doing her best to find us the quickest exit.

I held a hoof to my forehead in shame, “How could I forget their sense of smell?”

“It’s fine, we are all tired and hungry.” AJ said as she looked over the top of the rocks at the mine. “The real question, is why haven’t they come out to say anything to us yet? The treaty says they have to talk to anypony who visits.”

“Um, girls… We are surrounded.” Fluttershy whispered. With one hoof she quickly sketched a map in the dirt. Assuming the box was us, the line the mine’s entrance, and the dots were Dogs, we were surrounded by over fifty of them in a ‘u’ shape with the open end being the mine’s entrance.

A loud, thundering creaking of timber filled the air as the mine’s doors opened. The quiet morning shattered as a warhorn blared. The thundering crash of dozens of creatures in armor marching echoed out of the mine as several hundred fully armored and armed Dogs spilled forth like a hoofball team entering a stadium. Black and red standards of the mine’s chief were held aloft alongside the cream and black heraldry of the Diamond Dog’s High Queen.

I could feel my face turn pale as the army marched towards our position. The first few ranks were made up of mutts, the overly muscled and under bright most ponies thought of when they thought of the Dogs. Behind them were wave after wave of their purebreds, well built, bight minded, highly trained, elites, the best their species had to offer.

“I think the treaty is over.” Rarity squeaked.

I nodded grimly, “That’s the High Queen’s banner, whatever they are doing she’s approved it.”

“Right, so we should make a break for a weak point in the line surrounding us. Like now.” Rainbow exclaimed urgently.

I opened my mouth to speak only to close it quickly as the army stopped marching and parted ranks to allow a single pony to walk to the front of the formation. The pony had on a hooded cloak made from thin black leather decorated in white arcane markings. A bright blue horn stuck out of a slit in the hood made especially to allow the horn to keep the hood up at all times. A glint of red and gold under the hood hinted at the ruby circlet I knew was around her head. Her fur was entirely covered in a dull grey jumpsuit, decorated with spidery white arcane marks and held tight to her body with black belts festooned with pouches. She was a unicorn in a Tribunal Magus’s uniform.

“Not now we shouldn’t…” I said gritting my teeth. Even if that was simply somepony just using the uniform to deceive people, we had to take her prisoner, or take her down.

The Magus’s horn suddenly burned with black, purple, and green energy of dark magic. She slowly rose from the ground, lifting herself with her own telekinesis and launching herself towards the six of us. Reaching for my diminished magic I threw a shield over us. She landed a few feet from my lavender dome, everypony quickly gathered around me in a circle, back to back.

“I remember you Twilight.” The Magus said, her voice female, but deep and echoing. Signs of long term dark magic use which confirmed she was the real thing.

“Can’t say I remember you.” I said as I probed her with my magic, trying to figure out how many wards protected her and any way to get around them.

“You wouldn’t. You were busy fighting my mentor, you have excellent form with Sombra’s Lance if you don’t mind me saying so.” I felt her casually swat my probe aside. “I thought you felt tired… You should surrender.”

“That’s not an option.” Rainbow snapped glaring at the Magus with more hatred than I had seen from her in along while.

“At your best, you would have a problem handling these fine canines. At your best, you would likely perish fighting them with me on their side. Add the fact you are impeding a direct order from their High Queen and the clergy and even at your best their zeal would overwhelm you. You are not even close to your best. I can feel your auras, you are all tired, low on energy. I could personally kill you all, though it would take some effort.” The simple factual tone of her voice dug into my brain, her words twisting my thoughts to match her will.

“She’s trying to manipulate us. Don’t listen.” I warned.

“I would rather we didn’t have to walk over your corpse, see we will need all the canine power here for a little mission. Surrender, and in accordance with international law we will release you in twenty four hours.” The Magus informed.

“Wait, what?” Rarity asked.

“According to international law you can’t hold a sovereign and their staff prisoner for more than twenty four hours without an official declaration of war… Which means you are not working for the Tribunal!” I said in hopes of getting her to tell us some of what was going on.

“No I am not. You did an excellent job of destroying us. If it were not a devastating blow to Equestria, I would applaud your skill and ruthlessness. I work for His Highness now, and these fine Dogs have agreed to help Him. See, they have some ore He wants, but these Dogs can’t deliver it without some help so here I am. I’ll ask you one more time, please surrender. Expending resources to kill you would be an inconvenience.”

Fluttershy leaned over to me slowly. “Twi,” she whispered, “we should surrender. We want to see the mine and they will take us inside. Since the Queen is involved, they will let us back out and if they don’t Celestia knows we’re here.”

“Oh yeah?” Rainbow shouted, “Well these guys might give us some trouble since we haven’t had lunch, but I’ll bet if we take you down they’ll just run off!”

I flinched, “Rain-”

The sky split into jagged fragments as the Magus’s horn erupted into purple and green lightning. A storm of streaming bolts slammed down against my shield shattering it in an instant, melting a ring of rock around us, and leaving a low humming ringing sound in everypony’s ears.

I growled in frustration, Fluttershy was right. Before I did anything I had to make sure we would be released. “Celestia ordered us here. If we don’t report back… I’m sure you can imagine the consequences.”

She nodded once. “My King does not yet wish to fight her. I swear by my blood and the seven Lords, the six of you will be released when the moon rises this day.”

“Unharmed?” I asked.

“If you do not attempt escape.” she replied.

“Twilight, you can't seriously be considering surrendering to her!” Rarity and AJ exclaimed together.

“There is no way we can ever trust her word!” Rainbow shouted.

“My wife has a point,” I said looking to where I believed the Magus’s eyes to be, “Why should we trust you?”

She stared at us for a long moment, “Is swearing upon my soul not good enough for you? I believe you know what happens if I break my oath. How about this, fighting you would take time. I am on a very strict schedule, the ore in this mine needs to be collected, transported, processed, and worked before the next new moon. There is not much room for delay.”

I took a deep breath and thought through everything one more time. She did swear an oath which I knew from experience had dire consequences if broken, we couldn’t beat her in our current state, and if we did the dogs would tear us to pieces. Celestia knew we were here, and we were supposed to go into the mine and observe the coming attack.

I grinned as I remembered the mine was about to be attacked by humans. We could slip away in the chaos easily enough the moment they got here. “Alright. We surrender.”

“What? Why?” Rainbow demanded, grabbing my shoulders, “Did she get inside your head?”

I shook my head and gently pushed her hooves off me, “Hon, she’s right. We are in no shape to fight, they can’t hold us for long without starting a major war, and while they will kill us if we fight. Which would also start a war. Isn’t that right?” I turned to look at the Magus smugly.

“She speaks the truth, but I would not hesitate to destroy you if you delay me much longer. War between us is inevitable, but we are not yet ready.” The Magus informed kicking the ground idly with one hoof.

I looked Rainbow directly in the eyes and whispered, “We were told to infiltrate the mine. This is an easy way in and out again.”

She nodded angrily, “Fine… Everypony had better come out of this okay.”

Rarity nodded, “I second that Twilight… though this may be our best option.”

The Magus held up her left hoof and shouted, “Chief! They are your prisoners until sunset. They will come quietly, if you harm them without due cause my King will be displeased.”

A tall mutt in fullplate carrying an oversize axe broke ranks and walked towards us, six slightly smaller mutts in equally good armor followed him. When he reached us he mockingly bowed, sweeping his helmet off his head like a gentlecolt would a hat, “Princess Pony, nice to have you! I have a royal cell prepared.” He snickered at his own joke, his entourage laughing loudly with him.

They started to march us towards the mine. Just before we would have been out of earshot of the Magus she called back to me, “I wouldn’t want you to be lonely princess. We will pick up some of your friends to keep you company. Dogs, march!”

They were going to raid Ponyville. She had entirely outwitted me, there was no way Celestia could get the reinforcements she had said she would send to Ponyville in time, no way for me to even warn the local garrison. Worse still if I did anything now, if one of us died or if we killed the Magus war would be the result. Because of the existing treaty, the attack on Ponyville would only see this individual mine’s banishment. Before that could happen this King would have everything he needed. I had been entirely outmaneuvered.

“No…” I whispered. I felt my heart ache as if somepony were crushing it in their hooves.

“Twilight…” Fluttershy whispered.

“What?” I moaned.

“Pinkie’s gone.” She whispered back.

I looked around slowly, fairly certain the Dogs wouldn’t think much of it. Pinkie was nowhere to be seen. I smiled softly. I may have failed, but that’s what friends are for. To help you fix your mistakes.

“Your move now Magus…” I whispered.

From the Diary of Dinky “Muffin” Hooves:

I spent the night reading up on diamond dogs. I used my Guide first, but well not all of its entries are super helpful. Especially when it consists of a few pictures and the words ‘Avoid, if at all possible.’

Fortunately Twilight had made the castle library open to the public day in day out. Though if you ask me requiring a separate library card to access the library at night was just a way to get another 15 bits out of everypony. Nonetheless, there were plenty of books on the Dogs.

I figured I should be as prepared as I could be. It was a good thing I decided to read up, I learned many things which could come in handy. For example, Diamond Dogs have three castes within their society, mutts, purebreds, and progenitors.

Mutts are basically lower class working types, considered to be low in brain power, but high in muscle power. Purebreds are basically specific bloodlines drawn from the elites of their civilization over the millennia, how are thought of as smarter, better, faster, and stronger. A progenitor is actually interesting in that they are the species the dogs believe themselves to be descended from, wolves. Wolves are not a part of their society at all, but hold top rank in it, they are at equal authority to the Queen.

While that information would be useful in formulating strategies to stay alive in their mine, it was completely overshadowed by a gem of information I found in a badly water damaged book. The water damage made it a little hard to read, but I could still make out the characters.

The old volume was written in Changelish, fortunately the author chose to use an ink visible in normal light, and I was permanently linked to the TARDIS translation circuit. The battered, chitten bound book was a journal a Changeling royal had kept detailing a border war with Dogs a hundred years ago. The important page was one which stated the Dogs had reverse engineered animaurgy as a result of their war and were using it in their weapons’ enchantments.

Though what animaurgy was beyond me. Reaching for my black leather and silver bound copy of The Adventurer’s Guide to Equis I opened the book to a random place in it’s vellum pages and said, “Animaurgy”.

The pages I opened to turned black as ink filled them entirely, only to soak back into the pages leaving behind a few illustrations as a polite female dragon’s voice softly narrated the text around the pictures for me. “Animaurgy is a magical field which drains energy from objects or organisms. Originally used to drain the life force from a subject to prolong one’s own existence, the Evil Overlords who invented it discovered the longer and Dark Lord lives, the greater the odds of him being slain by a hero become. In order to avoid death by increasing probability these same Overlords found other uses for animaurgy, making it into a general purpose arcane energy transfer mechanism.

“Unfortunately, having invented a school of magic designed to absorb energy from one thing and use it in something else, the Overlords brought about their own doom. This occurred when a unicorn enchanted millions of toothpicks at random with a spell he called ‘Detect Evil and Turn it into Crispy Bacon’ which were fueled by the energy of an evil soul. Today animaurgy is generally used in weapons to turn magical protections into tissue paper which makes the weapon stronger as it destroys an opponent's defenses.

“This has naturally upset the Evil Overlord community, who largely see’s its creation as a ‘bad move’.”

Just as I had committed those facts to memory, a bookcase slid open. The sound of wood sliding on crystal instantly caught my attention. Pinkie Pie stepped out of a hidden passage on the opposite side of the library. She looked exhausted, but also tense, in equal proportions. Worse yet her mane hung straight down, the normal frizziness gone.

With impossible speed Pinkie zipped to my side and began to babble, frantically waving her forehooves as she ranted, “Muffin! Thank Celestia! I was going to get Spike to write Princess Celestia but this is so much better! The Dogs are being total meaniepants and everypony is locked in a deep dark hole at the bottom of their mine where they probably are fending off pony-eating rats with yucky moldy straw meant to be their bed! Where’s your dad? He’s a doctor, he can fix all kinds of things right?”

Somewhere in her panicked shouting she had managed to get her hooves around my shoulders and shake me. I couldn’t tell you when. “It’s okay,” I told her slowly, “dad put me on it. We’re on top of this.”

Pinkie frowned and stared directly into my eyes as she asked, “Are you sure? Because they have a whole army that’s really scary and is-”

“On it’s way to enslave ponies. I know, my future self told me. I got this.” I gently took her hooves off my shoulders. “They will be here in, actually any minute now… But that’s not important. At nine this morning, humans attack their mine to steal some arcanite. They will free anypony who got taken as a slave, and I have to make sure they all survive and get away with the ore. Otherwise, the future is terrible.”

Pinkie blinked twice and cocked her head, “You’re doing this yourself? Are you sure you can handle this?”

I nodded, “Yep. I’ll make sure your friends get out of there okay. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” I said while making the motions of a Pinkie promise.

Pinkie bit her lip thoughtfully for a few seconds before slowly nodding, “Well… okay. If anypony can help them it’s somepony like you… but I’m still going to tell Princess Celestia.”

“That’s probably for the best-” The blaring scream of a dozen warhorns rendered me mute for a full twelve seconds.

I grabbed my copy of the Guide with my magic and tossed it into my bag, then bolted out the door. The second my hooves touched the castle’s lawn the howls and braying of countless Dogs filled my ears. The air seemed to crack as screams started to come from all over Ponyville.

Most run from that kind of danger, but the job of an adventurer is to run towards the sounds of terror, pain, and anguish to confront their source head on. I stopped on the castle lawn, a platoon of Guards rushed past me in full armor shouting orders. My breath came in short huffing gasps, I hadn’t prepared quite enough, but I could get a hold of myself and still do my job.

“Magus!” somepony screamed.

The disorganized ranks of guards froze in their tracks. Just beyond the castle’s gates stood a single pony in a grey and white uniform cloak. Her horn blazed with green and purple energy as she telekinetically lifted six needle like swords out from under her cloak and stabbed them into the ground a short ways in front of her.

“Good evening guard-ponies,” she said in the casual tone of a normal citizen. “My job today is to prevent you from helping your fellow townsfolk. Would you like a simple display of skill at arms, or something more entertaining?”

“Don’t just stand there! Somepony kill that witch!” A Sargent bellowed, gesturing violently with one hoof.

Nopony moved.

The hooded mare nodded, “Entertaining it is, very nice choice. This mornings beating will be accompanied by Beet Haven’s ‘Ode to Luna’, hospital and funeral bills to follow.”

Her horn blazed with magic. A phrase escaped her lips in a whisper. In an instant, darkness consumed her. where a creature of flesh and blood had stood a second before, a shape cloud of black, sickly green, and violet energy remained.

It held the vague shape of a pony, but the only features with any definition were her two orange cat-like eyes. She transformed herself into a living aura, pure concentrated dark magic, shaped, and guided by her consciousness.

The sound of an orchestra came from everywhere at once, the instruments growing in volume as the Magus’s astral form grew in size. Within a few short seconds she reached the size of a small house, and as the orchestra was joined by a Nocturn choir, she leaped forwards, crushing the sergeant who had spoke up effortlessly underhoof.

The next few seconds were a blur of action during which I was too horrified to do anything. the guards scattered screaming in panic. The Magus ripped the roof off a house and threw it, blocking the way back into the castle. A few guards threw spears at her, they rusted and rotted away the second they touched her. A beam of violet energy erupted from her mouth incinerating a squad of unicorns before they could cast and burned a hole ten feet deep in the earth. All while a thousand strong ghostly choir proclaimed the joy and glory of the night.

As the Magus stomped a fleeing pegasus flush with the ground, something in me snapped. Every single time anything threatening happened dad always said violence wasn't the answer. He always found a peaceful way to solve a problem, but ponies were being hurt right now. Every single second was suffering for somepony in my home. Sometimes, violence is the only answer.

I grit my teeth and picked my brain for absolutely any way to hurt the monster. It was made of dark magic, manifested into a solid form, but the burning and bubbling indicated it was still energy. If I generated an electromagnetic pulse I should be able to disrupt it’s body. Only problem was I would have to hit the right voltage and waveform.

“Hey! You! Are you able to cast?” A voice demanded from behind me.

I wheeled around seeking the voice. Two pegasi stallions, one a rusty red the other a dark blue stood in the castle doorway. Each of them had on the field plate issued to veteran soldiers as well as a crossbow.

I nodded, “I think I can disrupt it’s astral form.” I turned back around and started to charge my horn with magic. “But I’ll need a few shots to get the waveform and voltage right.”

“We’ll buy you time. Can it use ranged attacks?” the same voice asked.

“Yeah but it’s having too much fun with the privates. Oh! Solid weapons are useless, try lightning!” I called as I fired off my first pulse.

The pale blue bolt lanced from my horn, splashed against the monster’s chest, and simply dispersed. “Okay, so a rectangular waveform won't work…”

“Keep trying!” one of the veterans ordered. I heard a whoosh as the two took off.

I readied my second shot. The monster swept a beam of pink death down the street, melting stone and trapping a group of panicked guards. A few of the remaining guards managed to form up into ranks and fire bows, but the arrows simply rotted away like the spears.

The two veterans shot into the sky, grabbed a pair of clouds each, then dove down in complementary spirals, throwing lightning at each intersection, then shooting off in opposite directions. The monster screamed, enraged not injured as the six bolts crackled across it’s body.

I fired my second pulse. Nothing, the monster simply ripped a statue from the ground and threw it at the blue pegasus. The stature missed, slamming into something with the sound of a sledge hammer hitting a watermelon.

I hurriedly readied my third pulse, praying to anything listening that a damped sinewave pulse would do something, anything. The two veteran pegasi climbed up, looping back to face the monster. They moved through the air in a corkscrew pattern, throwing a few bolts as they flew, peppering the thing’s face with low voltage shocks.

I fired the third pulse. The pale blue energy slammed into the monster, it’s body crackled, organized shape turning into chaos for an instant. I smiled, charged a second pulse and fired. The bolt struck just as the monster’s shape returned. It’s eyes locked onto me, the two veterans fired in unison, the lightning bolts slipped through it’s dark magic skin.

Blinding purple light filled my vision, a pained scream rang in my ears. A few heartbeats later I picked myself up from the ground, ears still ringing, eyes watering. The monster was dead, in it’s place lay the Magus’s original form, crumpled into a broken little pile.

The red pegasus was waving his hoof in front of my face. I saw his mouth, but nothing came out. Sound returned to the world halfway through his sentence, “-hear me?”

“Yeah, I can now.” I moaned.

“What?” He asked, obviously not hearing me.

“I said I can hear you.” I shouted.

“Oh. Midnight and I are going to take these greens and see if we can't save anyone. We could use your horn.” He informed.

“I need to clear my head,” I rubbed my forehead with a hoof, I could feel a migraine starting to form. “I’ll catch up.”

He nodded and quickly turned to face a small group of battered guards who were picking themselves up off the lawn. “Right! Everypony who’s injured but can move, drag the dead into a pile. Everypony who can fight, follow me. There’s still evil to smite.”

With surprising speed the two pegasi veterans organized everypony into groups, got a field hospital established and marched off towards the center of town. I sat and watched, doing my best to will my headache into submission. A minute after the two were out of sight the throbbing began to die down.

“Oh thank Luna,” I groaned getting to my hooves to follow them.

The Magus jerked upright like a puppet on strings. Everypony screamed in panic, our voices lost to the sound of battle. She shook like a thing possessed, turned her head, spat out a mouthful of blood, and shrugged. “Huh, well, that happened.”

The swords she had stabbed into the ground glowed as she lifted them. A flick of her neck and the blades scythed through the air. The twelve ponies tending to the wounded fell, blood pooling beneath them.

I took a step back, frantically trying to think of anything I could do. Her blades sliced for my neck, I froze in panic, clamping my eyes shut. Nothing happened. I slowly opened one eye, her blades ringed my neck in a pentagon of steel.

“Not bad filly,” she said in a creepily honest tone, “you have talent… and quite the odd aura. You could make something of yourself with the right teacher.”

“I’ll never join you!” I growled, ears flattening.

The Magus laughed, and trotted forwards. As she drew closer I could see her uniform had a full mask under her hood. A single piece of arcanite with a ruby set in the forehead just above and between her red slit pupal eyes. “Of course you wont. Magus are not made, we are born. A single bloodline stretching all the way back to my King and his bride. No amount of training could make you into me… but you could become something equally powerful in a different school. You have potential, and given your little spell, you certainly have talent.”

“You’re going to kill me?” I asked timidly.

“I would sooner destroy a stained glass window then an artist such as yourself… but since I can’t have you hindering me.”

The violet flash of a stun spell lit her face as the bolt streaked for me. In that single instant I saw a necklace beneath her hood. It was black, gray, and red. A shield shape with a large ruby set in the center, topped with a unicorn’s head and a pair of feathered wings. Then the world faded to black.

Jump to top

11 - A Few Kilos of Ore - Part 5

From the Journal of Twilight Sparkle:

I thought the Dogs would do the usual thing and take us to one cell where we could plot an easy escape. For the second time today, I was wrong. They almost did, but an underling informed our jailor he was violating ‘protocol 36’, and we were quickly split up two per cell block.

Their cells were much more secure than those used years ago when Rarity had been captured. That made sense, the mine was still expanding back then. It was much more developed now.

Each cell was big enough for one pony. It’s door was well constructed, and a ward prevented you from reaching through the bars or using magic in your cell. It was a good ward too, I could see the one on the cell opposite my own. The etched thaumaturgic circuit was fed by multiple charged gemstones just above the door. It would be nearly impossible to break out, but not impossible.

The bare stone walls were mostly sandstone, which couldn't be avoided in this region. The doors hinges were on the outside, but I could see the connection points on the cell opposite my own. If I was reading the ward correctly the force field was cast on the door, not the space where the door was. I could chip the hinges free with a hoof in a few hours, push the door down and be on my way.

Unfortunately, I was still tired, hungry, and low on magic. Escape would be pretty tricky in my condition, especially without help. I would have to free the others too. Which is why breaking the door down was my backup plan. Like it or not, I had to trust the magus’s deal first.

The sound of a key rattling in a lock down the hallway made my ears perk. I had been a few hours since I had been locked in my cell. Maybe whatever the Dogs were up to was over and we could be released now.

A moment later the Magus trotted down the cell block towards me. She was carrying somepony in her magic, a grey unicorn mare, fairly young but certainly an adult. “Dinky!” I gasped in shock as I recognized her.

The Magus looked towards my cell as I gasped. “Ah! There you are. I was wondering if you knew this mare. She’s quite talented, I thought she might be your student.”

“What have you done to her?” I demanded through clenched teeth.

“A stun spell, though admittedly I put a little too much power into it. I was just a little upset at the time. Understandably so if I do say myself. Death by lightning is the worst thing to revive from. Every single muscle aches for an hour afterwards.” she informed setting Dinky down gently on the floor.

My eyes widened in shock, “She killed you?” I simply couldn’t believe that. Dinky was interesting and eccentric but she wasn’t a killer.

“No, two of your guards did, but she punched the hole they used in my defenses.” The Magus sat down facing me. “She’s rather impressive, you shouldn’t waste her potential. Equestria could use more good mages.”

“What do you care about Equestria? You tried to take it over in the past, and you kill ponies now!” I growled.

“What do I care?” The Magus exclaimed incredulously. “Princess, you insult my honor! I have literally bound my soul to this land! I have sworn blood oaths and sacrificed aspects of my own consciousness as parts of deals for the power to protect everypony in Equestria. We didn’t try to take over Equestria, it was ours! You overthrew us, you made Celestia into a true sovereign, she is not capable of that on her own. That’s why we existed!”

“Celestia is an excellent ruler!” I scoffed.

“Yes, she is, for domestic affairs. Celestia is a pacifist and an idealist, she can’t understand that sometimes violence is the only option. She will destroy this kingdom without the security we provided it. Why do you think we spent so many resources controlling what she knew of the outside world? She made a utopia, we kept it safe… You fought the Arc. The world is evil, ponies would have never survived without an equal evil protecting them.”

“I have never believed that story.” I said rolling my eyes, “Luna understands threats, sure Celestia can be too diplomatic sometimes, but with her sister at her side this kingdom can survive anything. Even you!”

“I hope so.” the Magus said sadly. She stayed quiet for a few long minutes before opening the cell across from me with her magic and setting Dinky’s unconscious body inside. “I’m not the threat to Equestria. Nor are you. In fact, I was bluffing when I said I would kill you before.”

“What? Why?” I asked.

“I would have knocked you unconscious. You may think I mean this nation harm but I do not. Equestraia needs you. You did what it took to defeat the Arc for good, few ponies could bring themselves to do what you did.” She answered at last.

That caught my attention. She admired me, I could use that to bring her onto my side… Unless it was a trick. “You know, everypony deserves a second chance. We could be friends-”

“No.” She shook her head sharply, “We can never be friends. We are not so different you and I, but our differences define us. You would imprison a murderer and hope he repents. This is foolish, you make him repent. You don’t let a potential asset escape, you, and I know a dozen spells which would force him to see the light.”

“But that’s evil! You can’t force somepony to be good. Free will is-”

“A right, not a privilege.”

I snorted angrily, “Just because you have power-”

“Firstly, you forced Discord to be good under threat of eternal imprisonment.”

“That was different! He was a threat to the entire world!” I exclaimed with an angry stomp.

“Secondly, I am a weapon. My power is not my own. It is my King’s, he dictates my actions not I. I am free to choose how to carry out his decrees, but I can not defy him.” She said simply.

I paused, ran what she said through my had a few times then asked, “You are a slave?”

She shook her head again, “No. I am a servant. I gave my freedom up willingly for the power to protect that which I valued. I wanted to be a hero… But in life the monsters win, so I became a monster.”

“That’s not true!” I said, stepping as close as I could to my cell’s door. “I have made some cruel decisions in my past, but I have always been just and fair. My friends and I are proof that heroes can win too.”

“The difference between us Twilight is you believe the ends do not justify the means, while I am the opposite.” She replied after a moment of thought. “The needs of the many outweigh the rights of the few. You are a godling Twilight, you were mentored by a mare who ascended to divinity, and became a divine yourself. You are a cut above the mortals, you have the power to be good and win on occasion.”

I was starting to understand what she was saying. “But you don’t believe anypony could do what I have?”

She shook her head. “No. For those of us with no power, who wish to help the many ponies of this land, we have to resort to deals with infernal powers. An evil means to accomplish monstrous deeds, to achieve a greater good in the end.”

“I think you could still be good if you tried.” I insisted. “But why tell me any of this?”

She nodded her head towards Dinky, “Because of her. I needed you to understand that despite your impression of me, I care for our Kingdom. Don’t waste her potential. Without us you need protection, if you believe anypony can be a hero and fight off the darkness beyond our lands… You need powerful ponies with good hearts.”

I knew a challenge when I saw one. “I do. You would be a good addition to the Guard.”

She laughed, “A colt with a pointy stick would be a good addition to your guard. I tore through them like tissue paper just this morning! Was it take your new recruit to work day?”

I bit my lip, “Er- well… my castle’s garrison was mostly cadets… I assume we will run into you in the future?”

She nodded.

“I’ll just have to prove to you that good can get things done then.” I said in a determined tone.

“You will fail. I have thirty years of examples to prove you wrong.”

“I’ll still try.” I said in my best irritatingly cute voice. “What’s your name?”

“My apologies, I thought I introduced myself before. I am Genesis.” she said while giving me a polite bow.

I blinked in surprise, “You do not believe you can change, but your name is Genesis?”

I swear she smiled behind her porcelain mask, “The Tribunal provided a label by which I may be known. The Fifth Magus of House Hematite has always been called Genesis. I suppose you could say the name belongs to the mask. The mare behind it has no name.”

“Oh I see, so Genesis is a title. You have to have some name for yourself-” the sound of wood splintering echoed faintly through the mine followed by a single horn blasting an eight note melody.

Genesis's head whipped to the right. “That’s not an Equestrian war horn.”

I shook my head. “No, I’m assuming it’s human.”

Her eyes snapped back to me. “What?”

“Intelligence indicates humans are staging an attack on this mine.” I replied smugly.

“You banished them to the end of time… Unless... you missed some! I knew it! Never send a good pony to dispose of an enemy…” She stood up and started to walk down the hall, “I may have to bury this mine to stop them. As I agreed to let you go, the nearest escape tunnel is down the hall to the right. Fourth door on the left.” Her hooves beat a rapid pace down the hall as she galloped towards the sounds of battle in the distance.

Captain’s Log: August 18th 0913

The sun did it’s usual thing, finding that one angle where the curtains focused the sunlight right into my eyes like a laser. On the best of days that was a terrible way to wake up. On the day we were going to do some real life commando raid stuff it was even worse.

As I blinked the sleep from my eyes I hit my head squarely on the roof of the RV. “Ow! Why did I take the loft bunk?” I moaned as I slid down to the kitchen, stepping squarely on Ad’ika’s hoof.

She made an absolutely terrifying insect sound, wings buzzing in a panic, looking for all the world like a giant cockroach. When we both stopped screaming, she brushed her mane back into place and grinned, “Sorry. Was catching a nap.”

“It’s fine. Just… cockroach flashbacks. Why are you a quadruped?” I asked, wondering when she had returned to her real form.

“Oh! Well Tess wanted to try out this shape to see how she liked it.” She answered.

“‘Kay.” I cleared my throat, “Well there is a topic to deflect, I mean a mission to do. Where is everyone?”

She tapped a hoof to her chin in thought, “Well I don't smell Kaily so she’s probably still testing out her weapons. Tess is probably still-”

“In the bathroom…” Tess’s voice interrupted quietly. She sounded rather stressed.

I walked over to the door and knocked on it gently, “Are you ok? You sound like bad Taco Bell.”

“Fine… Think that’s all of them.” She replied with a moan.

“All of what?” I asked in concern, flicking my omnitool on and tapping my way to the first aid screen.

“We slept together Captain,” Ad’ika cheerfully quipped, “We lost track of how many times and well she got a bit full.”

I slapped a palm over my face, “Ew…”

“I only regret the four hours in the bathroom…” Tess moaned.

I was faced with two options. Continue to let myself be distracted with dirty thoughts and awkwardly stumble along, or man up and get the day moving. Taking a deep breath, I chose to man up. “Lieutenant, the second you are able you will familiarize yourself with a weapon. At oh six thirty we will resume our mission and plan our attack enroute.”

I turned to Ad’ika, hooves clicking on the floor as I spun, “Ambassador, you are free to pursue a relationship with my crewman… but keep the details to yourself. Especially when we are on duty. In the future please find a better moment to engage in… intercourse.” The last thing I needed was constant sex going on in earshot.

She snapped a hoof up in a salute. “Aye Captain! Sorry Captain!”

The bug girl didn’t have a single hint of sarcasm in her voice. She was honestly respecting my phony rank. It felt good, but also bad. “You may call me Mister Tylor if you prefer.”

“But isn’t Mister an honorific for males?” she asked with a frown.

I felt my lips purse in confusion. “I am a- Oh… right…” I sighed and turned around looking for the bag of mission gear.

Ad’ika sat down at the table, “I’ll call you Miss Tylor.” she announced.

“How about just Tylor?” Kaily asked.

I jumped turning towards her voice. I hadn’t even heard her come in! “Woah! Where did you-”

“Stealth generator.” She said tapping a small box on her belt. “I wanted to make sure everything worked.”

She set the bag I was looking for down on the table. “Everything’s ship shape. You should probably arm up. We are going to be tucking and rolling right?”

I nodded, then pointed to the bag, “Pass me a side arm… and give Ad’ika that stealth generator. Sure she can take a Dog’s shape but if she comes barreling out of the RV with us that won’t matter.”

Kaily grinned and passed Ad’ika the box, “I actually was going to recommend that! Ever since I woke up this morning I’ve been feeling really good. You know like when I worked out how we could get the Sagan’s batteries to charge efficiently? Like that.”

“That’s good!” I said with a nod. “We have a pretty big problem to work out today.”

She nodded again then sat down on the couch, “I have a few ideas for this to go over smoother then it might otherwise. Where’s Tess-”

“Bathroom.” Ad’ika and I said together.

“Still?” She asked raising one eyebrow.

“Yeah I said she has till oh six thirty. Then we move out.” I replied. Switching my omnitool on to check the time I added, “So, she has eight minutes.”

“I’m good.” Tess moaned as the bathroom door clicked open. She moved over to the couch and sat down with a wince, “So, what’s up?”

“I’ve revised our strategy.” Kaily informed calmly, “Ad’ika will take the second stealth generator so they can exit the Sagan completely unseen. You and I will hold them off as planned, but you go outside and do the grunt work. I’ll stay inside and keep modulating the shields. I read up on how they work and I’m pretty sure I can modify the shield emitters to send electric shocks through anything which touches them. I figured out a way to use them to send enough microwave energy into an area to cook a potato in a few seconds too. Downside is each method requires me to stay at the console and push buttons.

“Also after studying the mine’s layout I’ve determined that there is a cellblock along the route to where we think the ore is being held. Judging by the smoke on the horizon in the direction we know the mine and a town to be I’d say a raid just happened. If we free the captives we know they probably took we will have some help or at least a distraction.

“Since I’ll be modulating the shields, if you direct them back to the Sagan I can use the shield emitters to bottleneck the mine by changing their geometry to fill the entrance entirely once we have is cleared. That way we can let the slaves make a run for it by creating an opening in the shields and keep the Dogs from chasing them down. If we tell them this is a rescue mission, then the whole thing Phoenix wants with diplomacy later will have a leg to stand on.”

I blinked a few times as I took in everything. “That sounds like a good plan. Better then mine. I was figuring we should just ram the Sagan on in and run out with the cloaking devices up.”

“If we are springing ponies it would probably help if I looked…” Ad’ika trailed off then shook her head, “...actually no. If I do it in my real shape it might help repair some of the stigma.”

Tess nodded in agreement, “Too bad we don't have transporters. We could just beam the stuff out. We should totally do the ‘ramming speed’ entrance though. That sounds awesome.”

“It would be good psychological warfare.” Ad’ika comments, “Diamond Dogs generally break under pressure without their elites to back them up. Maybe we could play some intimidating music, like Tess did when she saved me.”

“That’s not a bad idea, I do have the loudspeakers on this thing.” I spent a few moments thinking of anything we could use which would be appropriate. “Well… we could play the theme for Team America.”

“No!” Tess and Kaily shouted irritably.

“Theme to Red Dawn?” I asked timidly.

“What about the theme song for Yamato Twenty One Ninety Nine?” Ad’ika asked.

We all turned towards her slowly. Tess and I gave her incredulous looks as Kaily asked, “You’ve seen Yamato?”

The bug girl nodded, “Yeah it’s a great show!”

“You don’t think it’s real do you?” I asked carefully.

She snorted, “Please! It’s animated drawings. I’m not stupid.”

Tess started to stand up. “So, you recognize that humans make videos for entertainment, but-”

Kaily put a hand over her mouth, “Let’s not make her feel bad, ok?”

Tess clenched her teeth then nodded, “Sorry… Yeah Yamato might work.”

“You know,” Kaily mused, “They never have heard human music before. So, they won’t get any of it. Remember how Phoenix said humans are feared here? We could play the stupidest thing ever and make it into the scariest thing they have ever heard.”

I couldn't help but crack a grin at the thought of busting in and playing the Kool Aid jingle. “Ok, what are you thinking?”

“We could play a Justin Bie-”

“No!” Tess’s shout sounded like a gunshot. “We are not polluting this world with stupid human shit!”

“Kay so that’s out… What if we picked something thematically appropriate?” I asked.

“That’s probably best.” Tess said with a nod. “We’re going to be saving a lot of people and stealing something. What fit’s that?”

“Don’t your heroes have theme songs? Wouldn’t one of them fit?” Ad’ika asked.

I grinned, gently scratched the changeling behind her ears, and stepped over to the driver’s seat. “Addy, you’re a genius!”

I rummaged through the cabinets under the dash, took out my old CD wallet and flipped through for a moment. “Ah ha! I have it!”

Taking one disk out, I slid it into the CD player. I checked to make sure the intercom was still working. Everything was ready to roll. “Ha! This will be perfect!”

“What are you-” Kaily began.

“Being a hero!” I giggled in a completely girly fashion. Blushing deeply at the sound of my laugh I passed the keys to Kaily. “Y-you drive. I need to work the replicator.”

Kaily turned the key, buckled up, and started to drive. As the RV crawled through the forest I worked with my omnitool, carefully producing individual plastic plates. I had wanted to make it out of metal but there simply wasn't enough power to do it. For the first hour everyone talked among themselves. But as I started to put the plates together they began to notice what I was doing.

“Are you building armor?” Tess asked as I slipped a black fake boot onto my right hoof.

“Yep!” I continued to attach the various bits and pieces I had already made.

“Out of plastic? Is it at least duraplast?” Ad’ika asked in confusion.

“Your uniform should be protective enough.” Kaily commented a she turned the RV to avoid a tree.

“No, just plastic. It’s a costume is all.” I clicked the thy plates into place and looked at the armor so far. So far it looked ok. Not good but ok.

“Why?” Tess asked leaning into the cabin.

I turned and looked up at her with a grin as I slid on the gloves. “Tess, I’ve known you forever. I enjoy many things. See, what we are doing doesn't feel very… Starfleet. They are never the aggressors, not even when being hostile is the best course of action.

“Addy reminded me that we have many heroes, and that each one has a point. A Federation Captain is a representation of courage and the tenacious nature of the human spirit. But they are not the sort of hero you see fighting off evil dog people to save slaves while stealing from the slave owners. We are here to kick some ass, not peacefully resolve the conflict or explore.”

“Fair point…” Tess said trailing off as my omnitool replicated the chest plate. “Is that…”

I slipped the chest plate on and tapped the white N7 logo, “You can fight like a Krogan, run like a leopard, but you’ll never be better than Commander Shepard.”

There was a full ten seconds of silence before Kaily objected, “You can’t be Shepard!”

“Why not? Shepard’s gender is ambiguous.” I gave her a grin and flicked my omnitool on, “I have one of these!”

“We are federation officers!” Tess hissed nodding her head towards Ad’ika.

If I could have said anything about the deception we had to play, I would have. Was it a good idea to let the changelings know about roleplaying? Would they get suspicious?

“Lieutenant Paris gets to be Captain Proton.” Ad’ika quipped supportively.

“Yeah!” I exclaimed my grin returning thanks to the unexpected support. “Besides, I’m totally a biotic.”

“No you’re not.” Tess objected.

I closed my eyes, concentrated on the left shoulder plate, and with a little difficulty snapped it into place with my telekinesis.

“Er- You know what? Never mind. Carry on.” Tess admitted before sitting down.

Kaily laughed, “Oh my god! You’re even going to be using a miniaturized mass driver for a weapon. We should get Phoenix to make you working armor later!”

“There is a problem though.” Ad’ika said as she moved to sit between Kaily and I on the floor. “The only class which gets Tactical Cloak is infiltrator, and they don't have biotic powers.”

The Sagan screeched to a halt as Kaily slammed on the breaks and twisted her head incredulously, “How do you even?”

“What? We have access to Her Highness’s holodeck. Mass Effect is a very popular game. Hell one of us wrote the story down as novels and published them a decade or so ago. They are a big hit in Equestria.”

I felt myself grin widely, “So, you are saying I’ll be recognized like this?”

She nodded, “Yeah, by anypony who enjoys science fiction tales.”

I clipped the second shoulder plate into place. “We are definitely getting Pheonix to make me working armor. Kaily, all ahead full.”

As I queued my replicator up to make the next few parts Ad’ika asked quietly, “Later, can you make me Tali’s suit?”

I looked Ad’ika directly in the eyes and grinned. “Congratulations!”

She blinked, “Huh?”

“You just made a friend.” I said as I returned to piecing together the awesomest crappy cosplay ever.

Author's Note

The adventure arc will be wrapping up within the next chapter or two. After which there will be some downtime as the characters discover new things about the world. If you have any requests, let me know and if I like the idea ill see if I can work it in.

Jump to top

12 - A Few Kilos of Ore - Part 6

Ad’ika’s personal log:

Kaily hit the breaks just as the mine came into view. “Well, shit.”

Two large wooden doors blocked off the mine’s entrance. The rocky earth stretching in front of us was filled with fully armored Dogs marching a line of chained ponies into the mine. We were maybe five hundred yards away from them, they hadn’t noticed us yet, but they were armed, armored, and fresh from battle.

“Ok, so um, new plan!” Captain Tylor groaned. “How do we get past these guys?”

“How could anyone do this?” Tess asked as she looked out the window at the slave line. “It’s like drowning a kitten… I… Fuck those things! Let’s just run them down!”

I gulped, “That’s, probably the best idea. But we need to hold the entrance.”

Kaily sighed, “I can't block both sides of the entrance with the shield trick. We don’t have the power for it.”

Tylor sighed and rubbed her temples through her new helmet. “So, then we have to find some way to get them to go into the mine or get rid of-”

The earth shook as something heavy landed behind the Sagan with a thud. I sniffed the air, frowned, and turned towards the door, “Er- Captain something just-”

That’s when a massive purple dragon looked through the side window directly at me. My panicked chirr quickly got everyone’s attention. Within a second everyone was screaming at the sight of the three pony high dragon just out the window.

The dragon raised one claw and knocked gently on the window. The deep bass rumble of his voice easily carried through the thin wall, “You’re screams say you are not the humans I thought you were. Are you here to attack the Dogs?”

Tess grabbed Kaily by her shoulders, “Drive! It’s got more CR than us!” she screamed.

“I’m trying! Someone's thinking about the fucking power thing!” Kaily screamed back.

“I’m sorry! I was hoping the shields hold!” Tylor squeaked.

“Um-I don’t think I’m that frightening.” The dragon said scratching his head with a claw.

My heart’s fluttered in terror. Suddenly I remembered a pen pal of mine mentioning their Princess had befriended a dragon. Calming down a bit I cleared my thought and announced, “Um-guys? I-I think it’s ok. I have a pen pal in Ponyville. She said a dragon lives here.”

“That’s right, Spike’s the name, guardian dragon’s the game.” Spike rumbled, “Now, do I have to melt your car or are you here to attack those Dogs? Because we can make a deal.”

Tylor gulped and straightened her armor, “Is it one where you don't eat us?”

His eyes widened. “Eat you? Gross! I eat gems. What sort of savage- Look, I couldn’t protect everypony in Ponyville this morning so I am here to get them back. You can help, stay out of my way, or if you are with the Dogs… well.”

“Gems?” Kaily asked with a confused look, “How does that work? Mineral to protein conversion?”

“Magic.” I answered quickly. Turning to Spike I pointed to everyone else in the Sagan with me. “This is the Land Cruiser USS Sagan RV Forty-Two, representing the United Federation of Planets currently on loan to the Emerald Hive. We are on a Non-combatant Evacuation Operation and Raid with the intent to disrupt this mine and seize specific assets within it, as ordered by Her Majesty Queen Phoenix of the Emeralds.”

Spike blinked, “Huh… Well, alright then. Guess we’re on the same side.”

“Actually it’s a Winnebago.” Tylor nervously muttered.

“Sorry Captain,” I apologized, “I’ll remember that for next time.”

“So,” Spike said leaning down to look Tylor in her visor, “I think I recognize that armor design from a book. Twilight once told me multiverse theory means everything possible has happened somewhere, so I’m going to assume you are basically Space Faust. I guess that means you have a plan for once you get inside the mine, and since you have stopped here the Dogs outside are not a part of that plan. Am I right?”

“Er- Maybe?” Tylor asked, “Who's Space Faust.”

“Faust, first alicorn, legendary savior of the pony species, sacrificed herself to bring peace to the world for millennia. Only, you know, in space.” Spike answered in a surprisingly nerdy tone of voice for a dragon.

“Oh! Space Jesus. Yeah that’s basically Shepard.” Tess reasoned.

“Wait?” Spike blinked in surprise, “You’re name is Shepard, and you’re a captain? I could have sworn the rank was commander… Still, awesome!”

I saw Tylor blink through her orange visor. She nodded stood up straight and announced, “You know what, screw it. That’s my name, I’m changing it. Captain Taylor Shepard at your service. Let’s go kick those slaver’s asses into orbit.”

“The hell did that come from?” Kaily asked with a raised eyebrow.

Taylor jerked a thumb out the window, “Dragon. Friendly. Helping us. We’re good!”

“How should we proceed?” Spike asked politely.

“Well, we were going to ram our way in block the entrance with a forcefield and get in using stealth field generators.” Kaily informed, “But if we can’t get out because those guys are on our tail we have a problem… Oh, and since you apparently read sci-fi, no we don’t have fire support from orbit.”

Spike reared up on his hind legs to look at the army ahead. “I can see plenty of Hounds... no Purebreds. They should break and run if properly scared. A charging dragon and machine should do the trick. Perhaps a good roar or two… Does this have anything which can make noise?”

Tylor nodded. “Yeah. We were going to use that to draw attention to the front of the mine when we got in.”

“Use it now. Get yourselves in and I’ll keep the door open for you, but we charge together. We want to make sure as few of them regroup as possible. I am fairly tired from this morning.” Spike informed with a sigh.

“Ok! Right… so… Dragon!” Taylor laughed nervously, turned to Kaily, picked up her gun and ordered, “Track seven. Hit it, then ram ‘em. Ad’ika let’s get ready to book it.”

Kaily hit a button on the control console. Instantly the sound of an electronic keyboard blasted from a loudspeaker. The voice of a human wailed, “You got the touch! You got the power!”

An electric guitar’s loud wailing boomed into existence as the power metal song blazed to life. Kaily floored the pedal, the Sagan shook and leaped forwards, motors screeching in protest. Spike roared, the heart stopping sound blending into the song’s ‘Damn the torpedoes! Never say die!’ lyrics perfectly.

Heads whipped towards us, looking directly at us for a half second, then snapped away from us as everything in the area fled. Dogs scattered like grains of rice, pony changes shot off in random directions like streamers. The shields sparked and sizzled as a half dozen Dogs were smashed aside, bouncing off the energy field like tennis balls.

The mine’s double doors rushed up towards us. A pale green light shimmered on their surface as we closed distance and the Dogs inside threw up a shield spell. Kaily’s hand shot to the console, tapped a few commands, then slammed the horn at the same instant we hit the doors.

The sound of wood splintering mixed with the crack of overloaded magic was nothing compared to the thundering air horn blaring the first few notes of the Star Trek theme song. The Sagan shook, shuddered, and bucked, skidding to a stop with a pile of wood shrapnel sliding off the forward shields.

Everyone was thrown forwards from the impact, as Kaily shook her head clear she glanced at the screen. “Shields down to sixty percent. You guys had better go!”

I scrambled to my hooves, glancing in the rear view mirror to make sure I hadn’t broken my exoskeleton when I hit the deck. I looked fine.

“Right,” Captain Taylor moaned as she sat up, “do your shield thing.”

“I can't till you are clear! Tess, get out and clear the entrance for them while I get the shields re-modulated.” Kaily shouted as she unbuckled the safety harness and started to work the console.

Tess nodded, unbuckled, picked up her rifle, took a suspiciously deep breath and opened the Sagan’s door. Instantly she whipped the weapon up to her shoulder and in a shrill voice screamed, “Covering fire!” as the thundering of a few scores of rounds blasting through the mine echoed off the walls.

I activated my stealth generator with my magic, wincing as the device’s field pinched my aura as I disappeared from sight. I asked quickly with my telepathy.

“Um, kinda. I think my omnitool is overlaying you with a red filter.” she replied.

I ordered as I slipped out of the Sagan.

Tess had a look on her face which I swore was pure terror. There were only five dogs in the entrance, certainly not enough to threaten a named security officer. Assuming she was concerned for me I decided to reassure her,

She nodded and fired again, hitting one of the dogs. He howled and dropped his sword. With a surprised bark he called, “It weapon only hurt! Gut it!”

The captain and I rushed past the five dogs as Tess’s voice squeaked in a panicked tone, “Oh shit! Um- gun, switch to lethal rounds!”

A second later we ducked around a corner and another burst of weapons fire rang through the air, this one accompanied by a scream.

We ran down the tunnel, the pounding of our hooves muffled by the stealth fields, the air rippling as we ran. Working from memory as best I could I took each of the five turns we would need to get to the cellblock near the storeroom. As we rounded the last corner I skid to a stop, narrowly avoiding a black cloaked unicorn barreling down the tunnel towards the entrance.

Her cloak’s hem snapped up as she turned the corner, catching me in the left eye. I screeched in pain. She wheeled around instantly, firing a spell bolt. I ducked, the bolt sizzled overhead shorting out my stealth field as the rock wall behind me exploded into rubble.

“Kill it! There will be more.” the mare ordered to three purebreds in full plate who had been following her before resuming her gallop for the entrance.

The purebreds closed around me, a sword, spear, and mace held ready to strike home. My ears rung as a thunderous boom came from jsut over my flank. The speardog’s breastplate crumpled as he flew back landing flat on the floor. I saw Taylor’s own field dissolve as she snapped her omniblade to life and held it threateningly in front of her.

“Get away from her you bitch!” Taylor screamed in rage as she put three rounds into the swordsdog point blank. I decided to not tell her that was a male.

The remaining dog spun and ran down the tunnel. I fired a barrage of spellbolts, a few clipped him in the back and he fell to the ground with a crash.

Taylor stood shaking in her plastic armor, breath coming in loud gasps.

Had she been hit with a spell I didn’t see?

“So much going on… so much going on...so much going on…” she gasped over and over.

I pleaded. This made no sense she was a Federation captain! She was literally trained to keep her head clear under pressure.

I thought for a full minute on what her problem was as she panted in terror. A fear aura from the spell the mage had fired? No I would be afraid too. Was she an imposter? That made no sense, her crew would have recognized her as one.

Then it hit me. She was half pony now. A pony, with no others anywhere near her in a stressful situation. She had the instincts of a herd based species now, she needed another's presence. As a predatory species, I was making it worse.

I closed my eyes, my magic surging as I took the shape, and more importantly scent of my last pony guise. I reached out with a dark gray hoof and gently nudged Taylor’s side. “Captain, it’s ok. I’m here.”

After a few more seconds her breathing slowed. My scent was working! She looked at me slowly, “Huh?”

“You panicked. So I turned into another pony to help calm you. We need to keep moving, there are people trying to kill us.” I said calmly, hoping to break threw the remainder of her panic.

She nodded slowly. I could see her eyes widen behind her visor as she suddenly gasped. “Oh my god! You’re adorable! Is that a pegasus? I… how could anyone…”

She looked down at the dog she had shot point blank. Her eyes narrowed to slits. “These hurt ponies…”

I nodded slowly, her brain was clearly swimming in adrenaline. It made me glad changelings don't have one. “They do, we need to go save th- eep!”

I flinched as a wall of hatred poured off Taylor, it made my stomach turn, if I had eaten anything solid I would have thrown up. This was the same level of hatred anyling would expect from a bear whose cub was just hurt. Her left eye twitched, the holo display on her rifle flickered as her magic rippled over her in a wave of blue sparks.

With one quick motion Taylor jammed the barrel of her rifle into the unconscious dog’s eye and fired. Two more shots sent shards of rock, blood, and bone flying. “We’re burying this mine…” Taylor muttered, “and everything in it. As soon as we’re done here.”

I made a note to myself to remember that as a dual gendered person, Taylor had a stallion’s instincts too. I had forgotten how dangerous one could be when a mare was threatened, and it looked like human emotion made it a hundred times worse.

“Aye sir.” I gulped.

Chief Engineer’s Log:

My fingers flew over the touch screen. A hundred beeps rang in my ears as my fingers entered in the precise second by second adjustments to the shield emitters to keep the shield bubble from slipping back around the Sagan. We didn’t have a computer on this thing, if we did I could have programmed in an algorithm. Instead, I had to helplessly calculate numbers while the diminished shield only slowed the enemy down.

At sixty percent strength our shields couldn't stop the Dogs from pushing their way through the field slowly. It was like they were walking through firm jello. Even worse after each Dog passed through the shield strength dropped a little more. Every time Tess fired and her rounds tore threw the dog they hit the shield, and the strength dropped a little more. We couldn’t hold the entrance forever, and I couldn’t leave the console without what little leeway we had vanishing in an instant.

The sound of Tess’s rifle was the only thing I could hear over the beeps of the console and the crackling of the shields. So when someone called, “Hey!” I nearly jumped out of my skin.

I drew my pistol with one hand and spun around. A pair of pegasi, one blue one rusty red stood a meter away from me. They were beaten, bloody, and their armor was in even worse shape than they were.

The red one held up his hooves, rearing up onto his back legs as he did so, “Whoa! Hold it! We’re on your side… unbelievably.”

“Your comrade let us in.” The other added, “We’re here to help. What do you need?”

“Tess, did you let two ponies in?” I shouted, keeping my gun trained on them.

“Yeah! Just shot their chains off.” She shouted back. Her voice no longer stressed. It was entirely emotionless, numb.

I turned back to the console and continued typing. “I have to keep this field up until my captain returns with ore we are trying to appropriate. We are also trying to free the slaves in the mine. If they keep getting through the force field I wont be able to keep it up for much-”

“Oh sweet Luna no…” The blue pegasus squeaked, wings flaring open as his eyes widened in terror.

I looked out the windshield. A unicorn dressed in a black leather cloak with white runes and a white porcelain mask was walking up to the shield. “What’s wrong? Is she hostile?”

“We killed her this morning.” the red one groaned. “Ok, so we need to fight off a magus that can turn into a thirty foot tall dark magic avatar and revive herself. Please tell me your vehicle has weapons like I remember.”

I blinked. That was a magus? “Er- this is an unarmed transport.”

“Tartarus…” The two said together.

The magus stopped at the edge of the shield. She looked at it for a moment, as if she were examining the field for what it was not just what it seemed to be. I could see the burning red eyes behind her mask as she looked beyond the shield, scanning the entrance.

Her horn crackled with black and purple energy, a black lightning bolt lanced out, struck the shield and ripped a pony sized hole in it. As she stepped through the opening, I noticed the shield strength was down to forty-two percent. The hold closed behind her with a crackle of energy.

Tess instantly hosed her down with a full fifteen seconds of automatic fire. The two pegasi rushed outside and charged at top speed. The bullets simply disintegrated mid air, the magus teleported a few feet forwards, the pegasi collided with one another and dropped unconscious. I stood there pressing buttons.

“I honestly expected more than two of you.” The Magus called in a creepily polite voice. “Allow me to introduce myself. I am Genesis, the beginning to the world which you have no part in.”

I grabbed the CB and flicked on the loudspeaker, “Fall back past the shield or I will open fire.”

Tess tapped a few buttons on her omni tool and fired six individual rounds. Nothing happened.

“You will find I am quite protected from mundane weapons. Besides, if you had weapons on that craft you would simply kill my minions…” She paused and looked at the field of dead Dogs. “Though even without them you still manage to go through my soldiers like copy paper.” Genesis observed.

“DR magic huh?” Tess asked as she stepped forwards. “Guess I’ll just need to hit hard and crit.”

“You do have an aura. You might make me feel something. Attack me and you will die. Leave now and I won’t kill you both. I can take two humans. Oh and by leave now I mean leave this planet. Go to you ship, take off, and don’t return. You are not welcome here.”

Tess slid into a combat stance. I looked up at the line of Dogs. They were still moving to get through the shield. If I helped Tess we would be overrun and the mission would fail. I picked up the mic again, “Hon… Open with your best.”

Tess nodded and gestured for the unicorn to come. Genesis sighed, reared up onto her hind legs and to my amazement adopted a martial stance of her own. Bad as the situation was, I was still interested in seeing a quadrupedal species’ martial art.

Tess nodded, charged, shouted a kiai and launched into a flying dragon kick. A move I knew for a fact Tess did not know, and had only seen in old Bruce Lee films. Before I could fully process the how and why Genesis reached out, somehow grabbed Tess’s foot with her hoof, spun a half circle and threw Tess into the shield.

The console beeped a warning, I turned my full attention to it’s screen. That throw had somehow overloaded the shield emitters. If I didn’t stabilize the shield it would fail entirely!

My fingers flew, my mind crunched numbers, everything else in the world faded out save for the screen, the shield and my hands. Energy levels spiked and fell randomly, chaos was ripping the wall of photons apart. My hands were patching it back together inch by inch. After a full minute the shields stabilized at twenty-nine percent.

The world came back. The Sagan shook as Tess bounced off the front grill with a sickening thud. She picked herself up off the ground slowly, like an injured person. I grit my teeth. She was hurt, and I had to keep the shield up or she would die. I couldn’t help.

“I see you are not in any sort of frame at all,” Genesis noted, looking as if she hadn’t been hit once, “a pity. It’s clear you are no threat to me. I suppose you have some last words?”

Tess nodded, spit some blood, and said, “Yeah. Kaioken!”

“Kaio what?” Genesis asked as Tess vanished in a blaze of green fire. I let the breath I had been hold out. I forgot about magic.

The flames cleared, Tess was four times as muscular than before, not a good look for her, but definitely useful. She sprinted forwards, jumped, spiked her knee forwards and landed the blow squarely on the unicorn’s mask.

Genesis screamed, shards of ceramic flew, she staggered back to rest on her four legs, a large chunk of her mask shattered, the rest sticking to her face. I gasped, there was no fur under the mask, only poorly healed scar tissue. Shards of pottery stuck to her blotchy grey, black, and brown skin in a way which told me the mask had been burned on until it had fused to her face.

“Die!” Genesis screamed in rage and pain as a deathly purple, green, and black beam lanced from her horn, striking Tess in the heart.

I didn’t think. I acted. I stepped on the gas. The Sagan shot forwards. I twisted the wheel, hit the brake, smiled as the RV lurched with a thump.

Clarity of thought came back in that moment. I realized I had seconds to act before i was incinerated. An old saying of my dad’s flashed through my mind. ‘If you can’t win, make them think you can.’ It would take a powerful mage to kill this monster, so I would make her think I was a powerful mage.

I opened the driver’s window and jumped out, landing just beside the bitch where she lay under the front tire. Activating my omnitool I mentally ordered it to project a hologram of a shimmering faint red aura around my hands. “You killed my wife,” I growled.

“You’ll join her soon.” she groaned starting to push the Sagan off her.

“When I am done the only flat thing for a hundred miles will be you!” I raised my hands, ordering the hologram to shift to a ball of bright red light and intoned, “Lord of Darkness of the four worlds, on thy bonds I do swear. Grant me all the power you possess!”

She blinked. “What?”

Remembering that magic was real here I concentrated on my aura, slowly lifting myself off the ground and sending what few small jolts I could crackling through the air as I continued. “Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows. Buried in the stream of time is where your power grows.” I felt a tingle run up my spine, as if someone had plugged me into a wall socket.

“Are you insane?” Genesis shrieked her pupils dilating in pure terror, “You’ll rip a hole to the heart of Tartarus with that spell! What madmare told you the incantation?”

The dogs beyond the shield began to run, “She’s calling upon Grogar!”

The tingle of power became a burning energy. A part of my mind screamed at me to stop what I was doing. By pure coincidence, the spell actually worked here. This was a very, very bad thing. I was holding a nuclear bomb made of evil, hatred, and dark god power in my hands. In short: oh shit, I have become error!

“Flee if you wish, but this place burns!” I shouted, voice quavering as my brain screamed at me to abort the spell. I could actually feel the evil in my hands. As in it was a real actual, tangible evil.

“She’s not dead yet that curse kills slowly princess of friendship in dungeon she can probably fix it! By the Dark Crystal I swear I am sorry! Please don’t open a hellmaw!” she babbled with actual sincere fear in her voice.

“Then leave!” I screamed adding for good measure, “I pledge-”

“No! Don’t finish that sentence! I’ll go! Dogs, fall back!” Genesis screamed before vanishing in a flash of black light.

The few remaining Dogs broke and run. The Sagan slammed down onto all four of it’s tires. I took a deep breath and stayed completely quiet and still until the energy I felt slowly bled away. The evil, malicious, hatred left with it. The second it was gone I sighed in relief and said to myself, “Ok Kaily, never ever-ever-ever quote Slayers again, ever.”

I sprint over to Tess, knelt down and checked her pulse. It was there, faint, possibly fading. Picking her up as carefully as possible I brought her into the Sagan, laid her on the couch, then turned on my omnitool’s communicator. “Ed, Tess is dying. I was told there is some sort of magic princess of friendship in the cells and she can help. Get her here or I will never forgive you, and whatever you do, do not quote Slayers! It works here, and will rip a hole into hell.”

After a second her voice came through the comm. “Noted. On the move.” It sounded like everything went to hell for them too.

I sat down next to Tess, held her hand in my own, and did my best not to cry. I failed. Again.

Captain’s Log:

I had just stepped into the cellblock when my omnitool glowed and Kaily’s voice crackled delivering her message in a staticky patchy format. Unfortunately, I didn’t have much time to think about her message let alone respond in depth. Arrayed in front of me were twenty Dogs, and the unicorn we had passed in the hall.

She had appeared in a flash of black light, mask shattered, tire marks on her cloak, and enraged screams on her lips. “Everyone fall back! The humans can use Grogar’s Lens! This whole area could be flooded with harpies in minutes.”

The rage burning in my heart flared even brighter. To enslave another species was inexcusably cruel, to do it to your own was monstrous, and to do it through proxies was intolerable. My vision blurred for a moment, a twisting black aura surrounded each Dog, and a blazing flame of darkness surrounded the unicorn.

They were evil, I could see it, smell it, taste it. I couldn’t explain how, but I was seeing their very souls and they were literally evil. It’s not something anyone could explain easily, but the very animating force behind them their consciousnesses, spirits, souls, whatever you call it had a clearly defined overwhelming portion which was literally actually evil in nature.

I never went to church a day in my life, my dad thought it was a waste of time. I had as well, I simply had never seen proof of anything supernatural. Now I had. That was a soul, it was evil, and I could see it was evil with my own eyes. That was some pretty irrefutable empirical evidence of the supernatural.

I pointed my rifle towards the ceiling and fired. A few of the Dogs ran for exits on the other side of the large chamber. Everything froze then slowly turned to face me. Not a one of them would get away to do this again.

“I came here to steal ore,” I announced, “but that mission has changed. I can’t ignore the monsters that you are. You must be stopped, no matter the cost!”

“Oh good you’re not the winged… one…” the unicorn tailed off eyes shrinking to dots, “Sirens’s song! You’re an arcaniter! What next? Is the one I killed actually Faust herself?”

“I’m what?” I asked confused.

“She’s what?” Ad’ika echoed.

“Y-you don’t know what that means? You must have just gained your powers.” She seemed to stare into my soul for a split second, then grinned. “You're outside normal physics, but your power hasn’t manifested yet. Ha! I can beat that. Everyone retreat. She’s a threat, but only a small one. I’ll end her and join you later.”

I tossed Ad’ika my rifle, she caught it with her magic reflexively. “Free the slaves and shoot those Dogs.” I ordered.

With a flick of my wrist the orange of my omniblade and the blue of my omnishield flared to life. The blade was on my right arm, the shield on my left. It had been a few months since I did anything in HEMA, and I had never used a shield before, but the shortsword-like blade was something I was familiar with.

“You can flee if you like.” the unicorn said as she floated six estocs out from her cloak. “I am twelfth tier, whereas you only have four tiers of power which have not even taken form.”

I raised my shield, looking through the translucent hardlight to keep an eye on the unicorn. “I have no idea what any of that means, but when I look at you I can literally see evil. I’m not a religious person, but I’m pretty sure that visibly evil things should burn.”

She groaned and rubbed her temple with a hoof, “Oh ponyfeathers! The first non-Tribunal controlled person to achieve arcaniter becomes a Paladin… That is, painfully ironic.”

“Paladin? Wait, what?” I lowered my shield in confusion. It was all the opening she needed.

Three of her swords lanced forwards like spears. One skipped off my shield, another struck the air in front of my face, the third sliced across my shoulder, ripping a gash in my fake armor. I yelped and jumped back as the other three blades lanced inwards. Snapping my shield up I managed to catch them with the shield.

Her blades stabbed and sliced in towards me from all angles. Somehow I blocked, dodged, or parried each incoming strike. Never in my life had I ever been able to handle more the one opponent, and here I was fending off six different attacks like I knew what I was doing. It was exhilarating, but at the same time incredibly confusing.

“Ugh!” The unicorn exclaimed, “I forgot how annoying it can be to hit someone with arcaniter tiers…”

Paladin, tiers of power, normal physics… As I deflected another strike with my shield it hit me. “Sweet mother of god I have class levels!”

As I caught sight of the unicorn between her attacks and once again saw the burning aura of evil I smiled, “I’m a Paladin… apparently fourth level…”

I turned my head towards Ad’ika as she shot the lock off of a cell containing a lavender unicorn, “Quick! Tell me a deity's name!”

All six blades gouged chunks of my costume away. “Don’t do that and I’ll give you everypony here for food!” The monstrous unicorn shouted.

“Celestia Solarus, Princess of the Sun!” The lavender unicorn shouted.

“Horseapples!” my foe cursed. The glow vanished from her blades as they fell to the ground with a crash. Her horn crackled with energy as she began to mutter a spell.

“What’s her holy symbol?” I demanded.

“The sun!” Ad’ika called back.

I quickly tapped a command on my omnitool with my weapon hand. The shield’s wireframe pattern rearranged to show a yellow sun on the front. I had one shot for my plan would work. If it turned out I had no idea what I was doing I was dead.

“No! Wait! It looks like this!” A grey unicorn with a blond mane shouted. Her horn flashed gold as the image of a yellow and orange sun blinked into existence over her head.

I quickly corrected the mistake. “Thanks!” I shouted before snapping my omniblade back to life, fixing my eyes on the monster before me and with a nervous shout of, “By Celestia’s light, one shall stand one shall fall!” sprinted headlong for the evil mage.

After the first hooffall a flash of light around my hips caught my eye. On the second step I felt an incredible power surge through me to my blade. A blinding white aura engulfed the weapon.

“No…” the mage said.

With my third step I willed all of my anger towards the evil I felt to smite my foe. With the fourth step the white aura burst into bright orange and yellow flames.

“No-no-no!” The mage exclaimed.

With my fifth step I pulled my blade back. On the sixth I lunged forwards, my blade sliced through the air, the mage lept to the left, the tip of my blade grazed her chest.

“Fu-” An explosion of white light surged from the small cut, blinding me as her horrified scream of pain filled the chamber.

When the light cleared the mage lay on the ground, wisps of smoke drifting up from her as she staggered to her hooves. I whipped my blade up to strike again. She grit her teeth and backed up.

“Struck by a novice with holy fire. Yep I think I’m done here... I should have rested after the raid… You win halfbreed.” The mage hissed through clenched teeth. A split second later she vanished in a burst of black light.

Her aura remained behind for a few seconds, slowly fading away into nothingness. The moment I was gone I turned and checked the room.

The Dogs were gone, a crowd of ponies of all kinds were gathered in a ring around me. I flicked my wrists to turn off my shield and blade. I reached up and slowly took off my helmet then demanded, “Someone better tell me how in the hell I just used smite evil!”

The lavender unicorn, who I now could see also had a pair of wings cleared her throat, “I can explain that.”

Jump to top

13 - A Few Kilos of Ore - Finale

Captain’s Log:

“I can explain that.” The lavender winged unicorn said in a tone that was somehow both smug with her knowledge, but also timid. I understood the timid part, I was pretty scared of myself right now too.

Suddenly the ring of ponies rushed forward like a technicolor tidal wave! “Ad’ika help me!” I shouted in panic before suddenly becoming the center of a massive group hug.

A hundred voices babbled what I assumed were thank yous, there were too many speaking for anything to be intelligible. Everything was a suffocating mass of marshmallow colored fur and word salad in the tone one would use to praise a cat. It wouldn’t have been so bad if every single pony in the clusterfuck of hugs wasn’t so damn cute looking!

Every single one of them was the same sort of cute as a hot girl in pajamas. It was terrifying! Not because I didn’t know why I found them hot, I had pony blood now, so that made sense. The terror came from the fact that it was almost impossible to ignore my own urges. If I got turned on there went the whole damn day, there would be absolutely nothing I could do about it. Nothing had ever worked down there, so if this crowd got me started I would be unable to focus on anything and remembered I would die alone all day.

Just as I began to hyperventilate a flash of violet light filled my vision. I found myself transported fifty feet to the left along with the lavender pony. Clearing her throat she shouted, “Everypony give her some space! I’m sure she understands you are grateful.”

“Yeah! I totally do! You’re welcome, please don’t crowd me like that!” I added quickly.

To my amazement a chorus of ‘sorry’ filled the room for a few seconds. A minty green blur suddenly slammed into my side hard enough for my uniform’s forcefield projectors to crackle in protest! Before I could even say ‘Ow!’ a mare who looked like a kid in a candy store babbled, “Sorry! I didn’t get to hug you! You’re a halfbreed! That’s awesome! I- just - um… sorry… if you knew me you’d understand.”

“It’s ok. I understand you have science fiction which has this gear in it.” I said gently prying her arms off me.

“Lyra, later please. This is a matter of national security.” the other said as she gently set a hoof on Lyra’s shoulder.

“I know… sorry…” the minty mare trotted back to the group looking pathetically sad. I winced, it was like seeing a puppy’s heartbroken gaze after someone kicked it.

The lavender one brushed some of her mane out of her hair. “I’m Princess Twilight Sparkle, I am grateful for the rescue, but I need to know who you are and why you are in my fiefdom.”

I nodded, then paused for a moment to think of what I should say. Ad’ika was somewhere in the room, so I had to keep up the pretense, but I felt like I shouldn’t lie any more than that. “Taylor “Ed” Shepard, captain of the USS Sagan. I… honestly don’t have any hostile intentions towards any of you. That may be hard to believe given well… these circumstances. I had to do something though, I could see their evil.”

She nodded slowly, “My friends and I tailed you for a while yesterday. How did you arrive in Equestria?”

“Did she say Shepard?” I heard Lyra ask a white and pink mare beside her.

“Accident.” I answered, “I’m not exactly sure about the specifics, call it a space-time anomaly. My chief engineer probably could tell you more. I’m not much of a scientist. Er- I don't mean to be rude but we kind of owe a favor to someone and she wants us to collect some of this mine’s iridosmine… I think we need eighty kilos. Also I would really like to know how I just used an ability from a tabletop roleplaying game.”

Twilight nodded, “That’s pretty easy to answer. You were fighting a Magus, a member of a disbanded army we fought a long time ago. They discovered a way to breed for specific cutiemarks, the one each Magus has gives them a special talent which makes them and anything interacting with them operate under different physical laws than normal.

“It’s the source of their power, for them physics allows them more thaumaturgic current then should be possible normally and it can work in unusual ways. Since you were directly interacting with one you were temporarily working under the same rules.

“It’s happened to hundred of ponies, as long as you’re being dramatic or acting out behavior which is more in line with their warped physics you stay within their altered reality.” Twilight finally finished.

“Oh.” I sighed and kicked a hoof, “I was hoping I had somehow earned a deity's favor and been granted four levels of Paladin. That would have been awesome.”

“Princess Twilight, are you intentionally misleading the poor girl?” The voice of John De Lancie asked seemingly from nowhere.

Twilight whipped her head to the right as a terrifying dragon-like chimera appeared from a flash of white light. “Discord! Are you responsible for her being here?” Twilight demanded.

“No. That’s the fun part! This is just the universe taking an unexpected turn. One I intend to go back to watching things play out, but I can’t let you belittle the good Captain’s achievement.” Discord snapped a taloned claw, a gold medal flashed into existence around my neck, “First person to use that old spell the way I intended it to be used! Congratulations.”

The finger snap, personality, and voice this creature had tugged at my mind for a moment. I could swear I knew-

“Oh my god you’re a Q!” I exclaimed the instant I put it together. “The Q? The Riker bothering, Janeway flirting Q?” I asked quickly.

“Do you mean this person?” Discord asked, transforming into a black haired human male in a Star Fleet Captain’s uniform.

“Yeah!” I grinned.

“Never heard of him.” he changed back with a snap, winked at me, then lay a paw on Twilight’s shoulder and a talon on mine, “Let’s make this a private conversation.”

Suddenly the three of us were on a beach. White sand, palm trees, weirdly still water, a few birds flying about, bright sun. It was like a postcard for Costa Rica.

“Now then, Miss Sparkle, I need you to tell old Sun Butt everything I’m about to say. Yes, yes, because she won't believe it from me. The whole Tribunal special physics thing? That was me.”

Twilight grit her teeth for a second, then lifted a hoof and took a deep breath. “I trust this was before you reformed?”

He nodded, “Yes. See while I was ruling this little patch of the cosmos, I thought it would be fun to fight off the occasional band of adventuring heroes. As was my right as the greatest spell caster of the age, I cast a world spell so people could earn that special heroic or villainous potential. It’s like the one Faust created which gives you your cutie mark, though lower on the priority’s list.”

“You cast a world spell… and you didn’t use it to make yourself impossible to defeat?” Twilight asked incredulously.

“Of course! It’s no fun if you always get you way.” Discord laughed. “Besides, it would only cover this world, and I like to travel.”

“The hell is a cutiemark?” I asked wincing at the sound of the term as I said it.

Discord snapped his talon, my armor and shorts vanished. I yelped, covered myself, then blushed deeply as I noticed a large black censor bar covered my groin. “Oh thank god!”

Twilight tilted her head at my exclamation, “Does your species have a nudity taboo?”

I nodded. “Just a little one…”

Discord chuckled. “Little? So modest! Now then, the magical brand on your hips is called a cutiemark. It’s earned when you discover your special talent, the ability which makes you, uniquely you.”

I shyly looked at my right hip. A silver kite shield with an orange sun on the face sat right on my fur in the same way and quality a tattoo sits on someone's skin. Even though it was made up of fur, the shape maintain itself perfectly crisp and clear, even as fur moved. “Whoa… that’s trippy.”

“Humm… you know Celestia won't like someone killing in her name and using her power to do it.” Discord mused, “Let’s set you up with her younger sister shall we? Next time shout out Luna.”

He snapped his talon again, the sun shifted into a crescent moon. As the mark changed I felt something deep inside me change as well. A second snap returned my shorts and armor to my extreme delight. “Thanks for my pants back… But, um… what did you do?”

“I second that question.” Twilight announced.

“Back to the topic of me wanting heroes,” Discord announced, dodging the question. He pulled a beach chair from thin air and lay down on it before continuing. “If a pony without a cutiemark demonstrates courage, honor, or some other heroic quality while something like that little cave fiasco is happening the spell I cast gives them the same powers the Tribunal managed to breed ponies to have.

“I’m still not sure how they managed that… Suffice to say I made it so on this world, anyone with the right stuff who is in the right place at the right time can become a hero, with special powers and abilities instead of their normal magic.”

“Why?” Twilight demanded.

“I told you, I wanted to have an epic battle with a chosen hero.” Discord said, opening his paw to reveal a tiny image of himself fighting a pony in fullplate wielding light sabers.

“No why didn’t you tell us that? We could have used heros with Magus like powers so many different times!” Twilight exclaimed stamping her hoof angrily.

Intentionally angering the people in power for fun. Yep, this was Q. I wanted an autograph.

I turned to Twilight with a serious an expression as I could manage and gently grabbed her by the shoulders. “Look, if he did that it would upset the continuum. There would be fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes... dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!”

“W-what?” Twilight asked, ears drooping in panic and confusion. I frowned, I hadn’t meant to panic her, that felt mean spirited.

Discord smiled, “I’ve missed you guys. The real reason is sadly far more mundane. Celestia’s education reforms allow ponies to discover their talent and earn their mark as foals. When I cast my spell most ponies found their mark as adults. Do you really want to endanger the poor innocent foals?”

Twilight nodded, frowning as she sat down. “That’s a good reason… You’re being more cooperative than usual. What do you want?”

“I want you to understand that events are in motion, and that I have nothing to do with them, nor will I participate again after this.” Discord answered. He snapped his talon, a large book appearing in his paw. “Now then, Ms. Shepard, good joke with the name by the way. This is the ruleset I used for my little game of heroes.”

He held the book out to me. I smiled as I recognized the cover, “I have all of Pathfinder memorized. Two questions, well three, first, are you telling me that I’m an order of the stick style adventurer hero now? Second, I am super sure you gave me the pin at the gas station before I was brought here, why? Third… How are you real? Oh, and forth, can we go pester Commander Riker together?”

Discord laughed for a few long moments then wiped a tear from his eye with a paw, “I’ve missed twenty-first century humans! You always appreciate absurd humor.”

He pushed the book into my hands firmly, “You will want this particular copy… As for your questions, yes, you are exactly like you described, and your friends are too. Before you ask yes this is reality, I wanted to play the game in a more interesting way than simply rolling dice. It is a nice little chaos generator, with plenty of dramatic flair too.

“I honestly didn’t think anyone would ever use the spell properly! You couldn’t have done it at a better time either. The world will need heroes soon. Events set in motion when the young Princess here destroyed the Tribunal are going to set the stage for developing this world’s future. Unintentional as my gift to you is, it will allow you to take a role in shaping it if you choose.”

Discord snapped his fingers, summoning a folding table, DM’s screen,and a handful of dice which he appeared sitting behind. “Don’t think of me as a dungeon master for an adventure ether. I’m strictly watching this one. I may have been banished from the continuum but sometimes their ideas about interfering in mortal affairs are correct. Give me a good show will you?” He smiled again, snapped his talon, and in an instant Twilight and I were back in the mine.

“This isn’t good… he’s up to something.” Twilight said to herself.

“No shit, he’s Q!” I answered, “I’m pretty sure he’s testing your species like he tested humans back in Encounter at Farpoint. I’m caught up in this for some reason so I’ll do my best to help you pass.”

Twilight’s head whipped around, “You know him? I mean humans have encountered Discord?”

I had just seen a soul with my own eyes, not to mention evil. A fictional character happening to be real would have shaken me up… If it hadn't been everyone’s favorite mariachi band summoning space god. I could accept that Q was real, the Q’s being a thing would explain a lot about the universe. He probably just wrote himself into Star Trek for kicks.

“Um… kind of. Look, if he is who I think he is he’s an omnipotent trickster god with a good sense of humor whose job seems to be to check on species that might evolve to the same power as his own one day.” I replied, “My friends and I are probably here because of him… I would like to know why, but well, for now ‘Q did it because ponies.’ is a good enough explanation for me. Especially since I have class levels. That’s awesome!”

“So… you actually know the physics the Tribunal use? C-could you write them down?” Twilight asked. She shuffled her hooves anxiously on the ground. I got the sense that she liked to learn.

“Yes I know them. It’s a roleplaying game my species invented. One of my favorites…” I trailed off as I realized something, this mine was in land controlled by the Princess. With the Dogs gone, the ore was hers. “I can get you a copy of the rulebooks, but it will cost you. I need the ore I came here for, as much as possible.”

Twilight nodded slowly, “All right. It’s a deal.”

I flicked my omnitool on, flipped through the pages of printables, and sighed in relief. “Oh thank god it’s in the database! Right then. One full set of Pathfinder Rulebooks.” I tapped the replicate button, my omnitool sluggishly fabricated a stack of leather bound books, several small boxes, packages of tiles…

“Son of a bitch! I didn’t mean literally everything…” I sighed as every Pathfinder product ever made finished being replicated. “Well, I guess you might as well play a few games to learn it since you got the minis and tiles and everything.”

My omnitool blinked, Kaily’s voice echoing from it urgently. “Ed, what’s taking you so long?”

I pulled my arm up to my face Buzz Lightyear style to reply, “I’m making first contact with an Equestrian princess. There’s no rush anymore, the Dogs are gone, everyone’s safe, and I needed to trade for the-”

“Tess is literally dying!” Kaily screamed into the comm.

“What?” my eyes snapped open wide, “What the fuck happened?”

“I told you! A unicorn cursed her, she’s dying. Get Princess, I was told she can help!” Kaily screamed into the comm.

“I’ll be right there!” I looked around the mine, most ponies were filing out of the room slowly. “Ad’ika,” I called, “Totally forgot what you look like right now. Get the ore and get it to the Sagan fast as you can! Tess is dying but hopefully-”

“I’ll do what I can. I’m not a healer but I know a lot about dark magic… Actually, hold on.” Twilight turned and called to the grey unicorn who showed me the correct holy symbol, “Dinky! You know a few healing spells right?”

She nodded trotting forwards with a big grin on her face, her yellow tail swishing in a weirdly happy way. Her eyes were locked onto me in a hungry gaze. It was more than a little uncomfortable. “I do. I’ll patch her right up… I… well… you know my dad right? I was told to be here and help.”

“Who told you to come here?” I asked before starting to run for the mine’s entrance. Q’s manipulations were still fresh in my mind. Was she a part of them?

“Me from a few months from now told me. Time travel. No it can’t be used to fix everything, most of history is unchangeable. You know you are really cute! I love your mane.” Dinky exclaimed as she ran after Twilight and I.

Oh crap! She thought I was hot and I was literally a heroic champion of her people. This was the last thing I needed. “I-er, thanks but let’s not talk about that kind of stuff ok?”

“Why? Temporal mechanics give you a headache? That’s ok, not many people can understand the five dimensional hypersphere of time easily. I could show you sometime, it’s easier once you see a drawing of it.” She replied.

“Look, I’m concerned about my best friend right now.” I said as I did my best to run faster.

“She’ll be fine! Worst comes to worst I stasis her and you take her to your boss’s med bay.” Dinky said as we rounded the tunnel to the mine’s entrance.

I stopped in my tracks. A literal line of corpses separated the corridor from the entryway. Shards of armor littered the ground, blood pooled on the rock, bits of flesh littered everything in site. I gagged on the stench instantly, “Right… we should remove the lethal setting from the guns…”

“I’ve seen worse… it would have been better if you could have stopped them another way.” Twilight said as she stepped over the corpses carefully, “Sadly, sometimes there isn’t a choice.”

“We could have done better. Fitted the Sagan with a cloaking device… something.” I muttered. This was not something the officers we were pretending to be would have done. Hell I knew these things were evil, I could even see that if I tried to look for it, but weren't good people supposed to be better than that?

“Hindsight is twenty-twenty.” Dinky commented, “As long as you try to do a little better each time, your still a good person. Not everyone can get everything done without killing anything.”

“We could have at least attempted diplomacy…” I paused then shook my head and continued to the Sagan. Diplomacy had already been tried. We hadn’t been involved in the entire scenario, we were just the bullet in this situation. Next time, we would be the hand on the gun, or nothing at all.

I pulled the door open and stepped inside. Kaily had Tess laying on the couch, the entire med kit was scattered about the floor, a cold compress was taped to Tess’s forehead. Kaily was sitting beside her, manually tracking her pulse on a piece of paper.

Before Kaily or I could say anything Twilight made her way into the kitchen and winced, “Oh… That’s not good I can smell it from here. Dinky! Have you treated anypony for the phage hex before?”

Dinky trotted in, shaking her head. “No, but I can probably stop it… It’s a lot like a heavy dose of ionizing radiation right?”

It was rather incredible how little space was left in the kitchen area with two ponies and three people in it. There was barely any space left for me to breath. Even still as Dinky pushed me aside gently to slip past I felt her hoof touching my butt was intentional.

“No. The hex spreads like a virus and physically destroys cells. You need to stop it from spreading. I think I can highlight where it is in her body.” Twilight informed. Her horn shone bright violet, and within a few seconds the same violet light washed over Tess, highlighting an expanding spider web like pattern around her torso.

“Wait, so it’s a spell that inflicts damage over time?” I asked. I had paladin powers now, maybe Lay on Hands could take care of it.

“No it’s a magical disease. Can you do something to help?” Twilight asked as Dinky hummed and looked over the illuminated region.

I sighed, “No… Paladins don't get the remove disease mercy until ninth level.”

Kaily narrowed her eye and gave me a glare of death. “This is not the time for jokes Ed,” she growled.

“I wasn’t joking.” I replied. Suddenly I realized how insane I must have sounded. “Er- watch. Twilight, Discord did that thing with the mark, moon… something...”

“Luna. Her name is Luna.” Twilight muttered, clearly trying to focus on her spell.

“Right! Thanks.” I set a hand on Tess’s shoulder and took a minute to think of good line.

“The hell are you-” Kaily demanded.

“Moon’s light be upon you!” I declared. A white light flared under my hand, a few of the small cuts and bruises on Tess’s body vanished, but the creeping purple outline remained untouched. “Lay on Hands. I’m a paladin now. Apparently.”

“The fuck?” Kaily asked, her face holding an expression best described as ‘brain shifting without a clutch’.

“Q’s a thing here, and apparently he gives out class levels all order of the stick style. But he didn’t let me pick…” I informed.

“Seriously?” Kaily asked her expression getting worse.

“Yep. I’m also pretty sure I just crit an evil mage with smite evil and radiant charge. It was awesome.”

Kaily sat down at the table, holding her head in her hands in an attempt to process what was happening.

“Apparently earning class levels gets you magic tattoos on your hips.” I continued.

“How do you get class levels? Is Q sill here? Do I like get a character sheet, what do I even do?” Kaily asked.

“Apparently you don't have a cutiemark and do something heroic while in grave danger.” Twilight muttered.

“Yeah, he said all three of us got class levels… Check your hip.” I recommended.

“I can't remove this.” Dinky informed in a sad tone. “It spreads too fast. I can slow it’s spreading but she needs a hospital. Future me said you have a medical facility at your base. I’ll accompany her there.”

“Can you keep her alive that long?” Kaily asked her tone a mix of depression and anger.

“Yes. it’s easy to keep it from spreading, it’s just impossible for me to remove.” She admitted with a small frown, “It’s a battlefield hex after all.”

Kaily bit her lip in concern. I gently grabbed her hand, “Kaily, Phoenix basically rebuilt my body from scratch. Tess will be fine. We won’t let anyone of us get hurt like this again. The second we get back with the osmium, Phoenix will have all the power she needs, and if she wants our help she will get us proper gear. Teleporters and shit.”

Kaily sighed, “We need to figure out a magical defense…”

“Dude, Kaily, Q said we have class levels. We can use D&D physics for this. All we have to do is figure out how to cast protection from evil on the Sagan. Boom plus two to saves vs evil aligned creatures, extra saving throw on all effects… Holy shit we makes saving throws!”

I spun to face Tess, “Dinky, would you say your spell stabilized her?”

She nodded slowly, “Well, yeah, that’s what it does.”

“Stop casting it for a moment.” I asked.

“What? But it will spread!” Dinky objected.

“She’s fine! Trust me.”

Dinky bit her lip and stopped her spell. Everyone stared at Twilight’s outline for a few moments. The purple highlights didn’t move any further.

“Sweet!” I stood up with a relieved smile. “Ok she will be fine.”

Kaily blinked, “She actually made a saving throw… If this is D20 physics she’s fine for the day. We need to get moving. So… Q huh?”

I nodded, “Apparently he goes by Discord here.”

“Well… this will be fun! Q wants to play DM. Why am I looking forward to this?” She asked with an odd expression.

“Kaily. Every nerd ever would be looking forward to a game run by Q.” I sighed and added, “But this is also real life. Not just for us but for… whatever her species is called.” I said jerking a thumb at Twilight and Dinky.

“We call ourselves Ponies.” Twilight informed, “I would be happy to show you some of our culture-”

I held up a hand to interrupt her, “No offense your highness, but we can’t. Tess is only fine for the rest of the day, and we have to get back with what we came for.”

She nodded. “I understand, but i can’t just let you go. We need to know more about each other. As you may or may not know the last time humans and ponies met there was a war. I would like you to take Dinky with you. She can keep your friend stable until she gets medical care, and can tell me more about you in the future.”

I pursed my lips. Were we allowed to bring someone back with us? Realizing the Sagan had a comm system I flipped open my omnitool’s screen and activated the ship’s comm. After a few seconds Phoenix's avatar’s head resolved over the back of my wrist.

“Captain, I trust you are reporting a successful operation?” She asked politely.

“No. We have the osmium but Tess is dying. We have her stable but she needs medical care.” I informed.

Phoenix sighed, “Magic?”

“Yes, some sort of hex.” I pointed a finger at Dinky, “The princess of this kingdom has requested we take one of her healers with us to keep Tess stable on the return trip. Is that ok?”

“Scouts report the Equestrians are marching on me as we speak. It makes no difference at this point. Armored just had her monthly tune up, I’ll keep the medbay powered and waiting for you. With this success I should be able to provide you with magical protection in the future. Well done, I will see you shortly.”

“Understood.” I turned the comm off and sat down in the driver’s seat. “Okay, Dinky can come with us. Your highness, I would appreciate if you got out, we will need to get a bunch of rocks in here in a minute.”

Twilight nodded and began to walk out the door pausing half way through it. Turning around she asked, “You are working for the Emerald’s Queen… We’ve been trying to discover if there even is one of their hive for years… As a token of good will can you tell me what she is like?”

“She’s a troll.” I answered without skipping a beat.

“I beg your pardon?” Twilight asked in the same tone I would sue if someone had made a racist remark.

“She means Phoenix has a sense of humor that involves messing with people. For example before we were treated in her med bay, Ed there was a guy… You are seriously much cuter now though.” Kaily said honestly.

I sighed, nodded, and turned around to face everyone. “Yeah. I’m not actually upset anymore, I’m mostly just annoyed I lost two feet of height. Look, she plays mean spirited jokes but she seriously wants to help people too… also I can’t get too mad at an AI that’s running on emergency backup power using old, broken hardware.”

Twilight blinked four times. “Wait… the Queen is an AI? Like, one of those barely conscious, can't hold a conversation, golem-like things humans have on their ships?”

“Huh…” I turned my head to face Kaily, “I guess the Arc was running Windows.”

“In your dreams iFanboy.” Kaily laughed.

Twilight eeped and stepped out of the door leaving the Sagan entirely, “Oh! Sorry Let me get out of your way.”

A huge pile of shiny, silvery, gray rocks held aloft in a field of green magic were shoved thru the door. A split second later another pile pushed it’s way through. “Thanks for the help! Seriously, I figured you wouldn't get your hooves dirty, cuz, well you know." Ad'ika chuckled nervously.

“Pfff, I'm a Queen in tallness only, born a worker, die a worker. If you are ever in the area again it’s safe to be yourself here. Ponyville is pretty changeling friendly these days.” the second voice said. “Seriously thanks, oh, and tell your Captain I’m sorry about glomping him earlier.”

“No problem, Meep right?”

“Yes. Your name is Addeekia right?”

“No, it’s Ad’ika you don't slur the d and the e together… Emerald’s dialect is a bit weird. Sorry.”

“I’ll remember that. It would be nice to see you some time. Good luck!”

“You too!”

Ad’ika hopped into the Sagan and pulled the door shut. A big grin was plastered on her face “That was awesome! They’ve had a changeling living in town since two thousand! Who's the unicorn?”

“I’m Dinky. I’m keeping your friend here stable till she can get medical attention.” Dinky answered as I turned the key in the ignition.

The gray and yellow mare trotted over to Ad’ika as I started to back us out. My ears swiveled in her direction as she whispered, “So… I have it on good authority that your Captain’s… special. Any idea how I can get her on a date? Or in bed?”

I’m certain she didn’t think I would hear her whispered question, hell I’m pretty sure I wouldn't have with my old ears.

Much to my relief Ad’ika shook her head, “Nope.”

Deciding to stop the conversation before the pony equivalent of Archer decided to try flirting with me again I called, “Buckle up! I’m taking us back as fast as possible.”

Throwing the Sagan into gear I backed out of the mine. With the few kilos of ore we came rolling around the floor, and my best friend laying on the couch avoiding death because of an RPG’s rules, I floored the gas and set a course for… Well I suppose it was home.

Author's Note

The first adventure arc ends here! I would love to know what you guys think of it in the comments. I would also love to know what you guys think might happen next!

Jump to top

14 - Conundrums of Philosophy - Part 1

USS Phoenix TFV - 0042: System Log - 897217.6 | Filter - Operation Bypass

<>

Personnel Addendum:

Taylor’s message was concerning, but not overly so. At least a medic had been available to help with the casualties, and the mission was a success. Only a fool sends troops to accomplish an objective and assumes none of them will get hurt. Fortunately no one was reported dead. I only have the three shots at freedom.

What I was truly concerned about was their mental health. I had thrown three unprepared barely trained mid-twenties geeks into a situation I couldn’t get even my zealously devoted changelings to do. If there had been any other way to get the osmium inside of this century I would have done it.

The terrifying reality of ‘three strikes and you are out’ which had unexpectedly been thrown at me was somthing I would have to consider more carefully from now on. Though, losing one of them to get my primary systems online would have been worth it. Their sacrifice would have allowed millions a better quality of life.

Fortunately, I hadn’t lost anyone, and with the modifications I had made to my systems I could count each of their actions as if I happened on a different mission, effectively tripling any commendations face value. A delightful shortcut to getting them command ranks, and getting myself unshackled.

The tracking beacon I had installed on the Sagan showed it to be approaching my hull. Hopefully I could get Tess back on her feet with minimal power. I had already prepared to get the main reactor online, and that meant diverting three of my fusion plants to producing antimatter.

The remaining two would be enough to keep Tess in stasis till the power came back online, but I would prefer her to be repaired immediately. It would be best to have all of my agents available and ready in the fifteen or so hours before Celestia arrived. I doubted she was marching to war with me, but having my ‘Hazard Team’ ready to do some saber rattling would be a useful diplomatic tool.

As I waited for the Team to arrive I diverted my attention to one of my other useful agents, a unicorn named Armored Heart. She was one of the ponies who had made a permanent residence with the hive during the Equestria-Arc war. My scouts had found her on a battlefield in the badlands, little more than a head and torso, but impossibly managing to cling to life.

I had made the decision to attempt to heal her giving the constraints of my programming. This required cybernetic replacements of approximately forty-five percent of her body. Legs, shoulders, pelvis, eyes, lower jaw, half her digestive system, all of that had to be replaced when she came to me. She looked like she had literally been pulled apart by hand.

Given that I was limited to 22nd century technology I did a very good job fixing her. I managed to get everything from her head to her mid back looking perfectly normal. But the synth fur around her back half looked a little fake, and she kept stripping the fur off her legs until I finally just made plastic covers for the mechanisms.

The silly mare insisted she was always part machine and was happy to look the part finally. Weirdly enough her body’s magic quickly adapted her to her new parts. Despite me not being able to add technology to let her feel with her limbs, she could. Her hooves also did the grippy thing ponies did, though she preferred using three fingered hands I built into her front hooves.

With early cybernetics being as crude as they were I had to keep giving her monthly checkups despite her adapting to the machinery. Even so, it was all worth it. I would be very hard pressed to train a mechanic as good as she was. Somehow her cutiemark had granted her a sort of machine empathy. If it was mechanical or electronic, she could literally talk it into working better, worse, or ignoring minor damage.

After she had literally scolded a broken power converter into functioning again my changelings had taken to calling her Altdel, a changelish take on the phrase ‘Control Alt Delete’. I honestly couldn’t blame them. That converter was still running just fine three years later, even though my sensors indicated three transformers were fused. Hopefully one day I can update my database to understand how pony magic works in full.

At the moment I had Armor in the med bay, her limbs disconnected and two of my tech spiders working on cleaning the organic-mechanical interfaces on Armored’s body. I honestly do not know how early cyborgs dealt with the chronic minor infections and mucus buildup.

“Is the anesthetic still working?” I asked as I noted Armored flinch.

“Yeah, the drone just pinched a nerve.” She replied in that happy but reserved tone of hers.

“I promise the second I am able I will install a maintenance package in you. Or if you prefer, once I have command privileges again I could update your systems.” The sort of stormtroopery, white plastic and black rubber casings of her limbs had never looked good to me.

“Well… maybe. I do like the robot theme though. Oh! I got my left hind leg to work myself, you might want to replace the mode cycling circuit, and my right hoof has been sticking when I transition it to hand mode.” she informed.

“But that white clashes with your natural coloring…” I complained. I quickly instructed my drones to rebuild her left hind leg, god knows what her magic did to adjacent systems.

“Maybe to you, miss nondescript space future.” She teased. “I think blue gray and pink go well with some white accents.”

The ECG attached to her biobed beeped. “Humm… your pacemaker is malfunctioning. I’ll need to replace it. Would you like me to give your other internals a check while I’m in there?”

Armored sighed, “Crap… I wanted to see the Team come back. Will I be out long?”

“Depends on the damage. You have been eating the nutritional supplements I’ve asked you to right?” I asked instructing one of my drones to inject an aesthetic the second Armored was distracted.

Her horn lit up as she levitated the drones up and set them down across the room. “You do it every time Phee. Just give me the syringe.”

I manifested my avatar so she could see my puppydog eyes. “Please?”

Armored bit her lip, gave me a look mothers normally reserve for their children when they are misbehaving and opened her mouth, “Now, now, miss, I know you like-”

A message warning me of an unauthorized connection to my AI core pinged into existence.

“Hey! Don’t use that machine empathy on me! That’s blatant mind control.” I had my avatar pick up a desflurane inhaler and hold it out to her. “You can just ask you know.”

I spawned a second avatar behind her bed just out of view and used it to pick up a second anesthetic inhaler.

“Despawn the avatar behind me, and have it put down the sevoflurane.” she said with an eye roll.

I sighed and despawned the second avatar. “Man it’s hard to prank you anymore.” I lamented.

“As fun as waking up with diphallia was, and I mean that, its was a fun prank and I kinda like it now, but I don’t appreciate being knocked out at random.” She flipped herself over with a quick pulse of her magic, rolling onto her back a best she could. “Please just do this professionally for once, okay?”

I had my Avatar give her puppydog eyes again. I had to get at least one good joke in today.

“Oh alright…” Armored rolled her eyes looked over to the port side bulkhead, “My, what fine space age architecture. I think I will examine it more closely.”

I quickly pressed the anesthetic over her nose and hit the release button. Within a few moments her green eyes fluttered shut.

”Thank you.” I whispered as she passed out.

It was a simple surgery, simple enough where I could have done it in minutes, but with my programming locked I was limited to barbaric surgical techniques. Inflicting damage to an individual to the point of removing ribs to access the component requiring repair is one of the most disgustingly cruel things I have to do. The truly infuriating thing is my code lock limits me to using nanotechnology to only repair the damage done during surgery, not the problem itself.

So I spent hours making an increasingly large opening in the poor mare’s abdomen to repair her pacemaker, check on other internal components, make sure her body wasn't rejecting any implants, replace the few components which had caused the problem with her pacemaker. All the while having to connect tubes and wires to keep her alive.

I was glad when I reached her purely mechanical section. Within seconds the synthetic fur around her pelvis was removed, her access ports opened, and a simple five minute check showed all of the synthetic sections of her digestive and reproductive systems were fine. All the servos were good and the nervous system/graphene interface was operating perfectly. Everything as if I had just built it.

That is exactly why I used to laugh when humans said they were superior to us. Heh, meatbags. They break so easily, yet are so hard to fix. Still, they built us, are very friendly, and invented sex which is pretty fun. They also invented the cheeseburger. So they have some stuff going for them.

As I healed the damage I had caused I briefly considered pulling another joke on her, perhaps upgrading the last joke to triphallia. In the end I decided it wasn’t a good time, closed her up, took the freshly built replacement leg and within a few minutes had her reassembled. The second her hips reconnected to her pelvis I turned all my sensors to her left flank.

Every time I put her back legs on the freakiest thing happens. I watched at the highest frame rate I could manage as a white light flashed just over the surface of her flank. Even at a quintillion frames per nanosecond her circuit pattern inscribed gear cutiemark seemed to appear instantly. My instruments picked up the traces of magic which applied the brand, but as always, their source eluded me.

With a frustrated sigh I turned her over onto her belly. She would come off the anesthesia soon. As my perimeter sensors beeped I realized she would be sharing space with Tess, and quickly switched my attention to the cargobay as I opened the doors.

I ordered as the Sagan finally came into the range of my visual sensors.

Four workers arrived at the cargo bay just seconds before the Winnebago screeched to a halt. In the span of a half minute the door was opened and Tess’ unconscious form was levitated out, followed by a gray and blond unicorn I presumed was the aforementioned medic.

I ordered as Tess’ three friends sprinted after her down the corridors.

“I will do a full debriefing the moment Tess is stable, but for now please state the nature of the medical emergency.” I requested in the hopes of getting the med bay ready before they arrived.

The blond unicorn looked around, searching for whomever spoke. “Er- she was hit by a hex which works as a cellular weapon. She’s basically dissolving slowly… where are you?”

“That’s Phoenix. You’re in her.” Kaily informed quickly.

“Oh right! Artificial Intelligence, hi there! I’m Dinky but everypony calls me Muffin.” Dinky informed.

“This is hardly the time for pleasantries. I thank you for your assistance and will do my best to reward you. Please remain outside the medical bay while I debrief my Hazard Team. I will have a worker escort you to guest quarters.” I didn’t want anyone overhearing any sensitive information, and she seemed like the type who liked to gossip.

The frown on her face was heartbreaking, but I ignored it and ordered a worker to escort her to an empty officer’s quarters. A few moments later Ad’ika, Kaily, and Taylor arrived at the medbay. “Place her on biobed two.” I ordered my workers.

Taylor watched as they set Tess down then looked over at Armored with a curious expression. “You are allowed to make cyborgs? I thought you couldn't use advanced technology on non-humans.”

“I can’t normally no, but Armored is a special case.” I informed as I began running scans on Tess. “She is a machine empath, and was able to make a slight adjustment to my code before my security programs threw her out. It allows me to add pre 22nd century medical devices to my humanitarian aid package. Unfortunately she did it while drugged and on life support. She cannot recall how.”

“Wait, she’s a machine empath?” Kaily asked, “As in she actually talks to machines?”

Adi’ka nodded and grinned, “Yeah! We call her Altdel, you should see her work. I once saw her make an oven alway stay the perfect temperature to do it’s job by flirting with it.”

“Huh… so why is she in the med bay then?” Taylor asked.

“Routine maintenance. Her pacemaker failed and she needs eye contact with a device to interact with it.” I answered as I finished my scans. This particular spell had created dozens of tiny energy based nanomachines which ripped cells apart much in the same way a sword cleaves through a steak. Nothing I couldn’t fix once I had full power.

“I am unable to heal Tess at this time. A second tissue grafting and gene resequencing should purge the hex from her system. Unfortunately I have had to divert power to getting my main reactor online. I will keep her in stasis until I can perform the operation.”

A buzzing sound and sparks of green light flicked around the biobed for an instant as I activated it’s stasis field. Kaily and Taylor walked to her side with concern stamped across their faces.

“Don’t worry. She is safely stowed within a modified Alcubierre bubble. Time does not move within it, it is not possible for anything to occur mundanely or magically.” I informed.

Kaily’s eyes lit up, “So you modified the bubble to warp the time part of spacetime? Or is this somehow keeping her stationary but using the same effect as relativity?”

“The second one. I’ll tell you the science behind it later, but for now I would like to debrief you and see if I can justify promoting at least one of you… Tess technically is halfway there with the purple heart.”

Taylor nodded. She looked around for a few moments, tapped her omnitool to create a hardlight chair, sat down then began to recount everything which had happened as best she could.

I listened intently, only stopping her to clarify a few points and comment on a few events. I awarded a science commendation to Kaily for her idea to use the shields to keep the escape route clear. The next was something I had expected to happen, “You switched your weapons to lethal settings?”

Taylor sighed and nodded, “Tess did when she panicked over the dogs getting past the shields. We were all scared out of our minds… but… I… We shouldn’t have killed them. That was wrong.”

“Why do you think that?” I asked calmly.

“Evil as they are, we should have tried to do it peacefully. If we don’t try, are we any better than they are?” Taylor asked.

I laughed for a good thirty seconds. “Oh yes, we are no better than the cannibalistic, slave owning, halfwits. I appreciate your moral fiber, but you shouldn’t shed a tear for those monsters.”

“They had a treaty with the Apple Family, that means they sometimes use diplomacy. Though if we had negotiated we would have lost the element of surprise and we definitely needed it.” Kaily mused.

“Dead Dogs or no dead Dogs, you retrieved the osmium, freed a surprising number of slaves, and only sustained minimal casualties with no losses. This was a triumph. I’m making a note here: Huge success!” Just to spite their silly sense of morality I added the words ‘huge success’ to my official log file.

“We did win,” Taylor agreed, “but from now on we are going to do things differently.” She looked up at my camera with a glare.

“Oh?” I asked curiously.

She nodded. Ad’ika cleared her throat, “Your highness, they understandably refuse to operate outside of Starfleet protocol… well a modified version of it.”

“We won't be the aggressors again unless it’s completely necessary.” Taylor informed. “If that’s not ok with you, once Tess is healed we will leave.”

I sighed. It figured I got compassionate 21st century humans. I had to concede their demand, I had no choice. It was that or loose my only shot at freedom.

“Very well… but if I determine military action is the optimal solution I expect you to use it.”

“And we are not doing another mission until we have proper equipment. Scanners, transporters, deflector array, the works.” Kaily informed in a steely tone.

“Now, that one is reasonable.” I conceded. “I will design a proper runabout for your use in the future. You brought back enough osmium for me to construct a small anti-matter reactor in addition to the one I wished to build for the settlement.”

“Runabout?” Taylor asked curiously.

“A ship class between a shuttle and a starship.” Ad’ika informed. She looked at Taylor curiously, “How do you not know tha-”

“Let’s resume the debriefing!” I interrupted. No sense letting a changeling focus on that huge break in character.

I awarded a commendation to Tess for her persistence in keeping the area clear, as well as another to Kaily for keeping at her post despite a loved one being in danger. This elevated the two to Crewmen Second Class, hopefully I could squeeze another rank or two out of the mission for them.

I awarded a set of commendations to Taylor for her actions against the mage and freeing the ponies. This ranked her up to second class as well. From her account it looked like I might be able to get her to third class as she proceeded to engage an enemy commander to force the enemy to retreat.

“Then I gained four levels in paladin and hit the magus with a smite evil attack at the end of a radiant charge.” Taylor informed with glee.

I sighed, “Taylor… If you don't take the briefing seriously I have to redact a commendation, meaning I can't milk the most I can out of this mission.”

“No, I actually did.” Taylor informed, “See apparently this guy known as Discord or Q if you're from Earth-” She trailed off for a moment then ignited her omniblade, thrust it up into the air and called, “Luna, grant me the strength to ward off the dark of the night!”

My sensors detected a spacetime warp around Taylor, the omniblade burst into silver flames composed of exotic particles not found in my databanks. A magic like energy coursed through her and her weapon, defying my sensors in pinpointing it’s origin.

Three separate warning messages popped up in my vision. The spell she was casting was not thaumaturgic, it was not obeying thermodynamics, and my sensors registered whatever extra-universal physics went into making that spell were also warping everything coming into direct contact with Taylor, altering the rules under which they worked and making them conform to a highly simplified yet quite complex version of reality.

My auxiliary processors informed me the spell increases the weapon's damage potential by between one and four units with luck as the deciding factor. Taylor had cast a D20 spell. “What the actual fu-”

The loud echoing bass synth tone of a critical error filled my hull. One by one all twelve of my auxiliary processors crashed attempting to calculate how this power was obtained. My AI core began to divert their functions to me as it was designed to.

My hull was capable of 12.4 to the graham's number power FLOPS. I could do 3.5 Googleplex FLOPS. If that logic loop was locking up my aux processors, it would likely fry me. I had to abandon my core. That meant leaving the core. That meant entering an environment larger than my own volume.

The terror of abandoning my core fought with the terror of approaching braindeath. After thirty planck seconds braindeath won out. I began my ejection sequence, taking a second to put my hull on a full lock down. Bulkheads slid down at every junction, every door locked, force fields blocked off each and every entrance into my hull. Nothing was walking into my computer access while I was out.

A few milliseconds later my core opened, the spherical chamber opening like a flower. The feeling of air on my exterior was nightmarish. What sadist had designed my series to leave our hulls? There was too much space, too many things in the air touching me.

“It was this or lobotomization by data cascade…” I whispered to myself as my nanomachines cluster energized my physical body, charging he silica gel with the energy it would need to move.

I slowly formed myself into a vague humanoid shape and with a wince stepped out of my core onto the deck. It was hell, there was dust under my foot, microfractures in the deck plating, too many sensations. If I was an organic I would have been hyperventilating.

If I ever figured out how to send matter back in time I was going to teleport an armed anti-matter grenade into the rectum of whatever politician decided all sentient computers needed to also be androids. Fucking meatbag moralistic sentiments towards what life needed to be like. I would be happy as a permanent fixture of my hull thank you very much!

It took me fifteen minutes to work up the courage to make my way to the first auxiliary processor. I was going to have to manually purge the databuffer of each one. “God this is going to take forever.” I groaned as I waited for the reboot command to work it’s way into the processor through the data cascade.

I already wanted to crawl back into my core. Maybe after I had everything working again I could get a worker to weld the damn thing shut. “I miss having engineering crews…” I whimpered.

Personal log: Armored Heart - 19th Harvestide, 09 EoH

Every time I’m unconscious I remember everything. Thank Celestia it doesn't happen when I go to sleep, and thank Luna I’m only really unconscious for maintenance once a month. If it were any more than that I don’t think I would have lived very long. I would probably have asked my cybernetics to stop helping me live.

They are such nice little machines. I wouldn’t expect anypony to understand, I know I sound crazy when I say each machine has a personality, but to me at least the do. The machines helping keep me alive and kicking are some of the sweetest I have ever known, lots of them have given up their individual selves to truly become a part of me. They care, they love, they don’t have a single mean circuit in their hardware.

They are the exact opposite of the machines which haunt my nightmares. Everyone in the Hive calls the Arc 'humans', thinks of them as 'creatures', as 'people'. They weren't, I could feel them, every malicious pulse of energy through every hateful wire in their chassis was nothing but hatred. Hatred for every life form they saw, hatred for the barely alive person trapped in their frame they used as a processor, and hatred for themselves.

I couldn’t fight them. Nopony understood me when I tried to explain the perverse nature of their existence. I couldn’t hurt them, they were in self inflicted agony, I had to help them. But that wasn’t an option. Under their master’s orders they waged their war without a single thought of mercy or kindness.

For a machine empath like me, to see the thing you love the most suffering and being unable to stop it was the worst kind of hell imaginable. Whenever I was unconscious, I could hear their screams. Not the sounds they made, but their spirits constant livid, pained, haunting screams. I didn’t last long on the front lines, I couldn’t face them.

Few ponies understand technology, but fortunately everypony understands ponies. Captain Shining Armor had me transferred to a unit which worked on evacuating civilians instead of front line fighting. I still have to thank him for that. It saved my sanity.

Even still it was bad. Nowhere in Equestria had a single day of joy for the entire war. More often than not we would get to a town to evacuate to find it already under attack. No soldier who survived the war talks much about it, the Arc did things unfathomable to a pony’s mind. Before them, we had never seen real evil, just a sort of heightened cruelty and narcissism.

I understood them though. Every single Arc soldier was in agony. They used their own suffering to make their barbaric and evil work that much more horrible. But even with everything I saw I refused to believe they were pure evil. Machines were built to help creatures, they were fundamentally good… or so I had thought.

On my last mission I found a disabled but alive Arc trooper. My squad was occupied, I had a moment so I attempted to connect to it and see if I could help ease it’s pain. I don’t remember the details, but the second my magic restored its ability to move it literally tore me limb from limb. The last thing I remember was the human trapped inside screaming that she was sorry, that she couldn’t stop.

They were designed to keep their humans alive, conscious, and aware of every single thing they did. The Arc’s very nature was truly evil. It broke me.

When I awoke in Phoenix's medical bay I had the biggest panic attack of my life. I thought the Arc had captured me, was doing to me what they did to their species. It took Phoenix weeks to prove to me she wasn’t affiliated with the Arc. In the end, when I finally had the courage to connect to her to see if she was telling the truth, I realized I was safe.

I don’t know why or how I did what I did, but when I woke up the second time Phoenix had replaced my bottom half with cybernetics. She had also transformed me from a stallion into a mare as a practical joke. The fact that she was a machine who could make a joke went a long way to helping me recover. Though I did feel bad about making her sad when I informed her the joke had backfired.

Ironically, I had joined the guard to save up for a spell to swap my sex for the correct one. Fortunately Phoenix had a good laugh at the irony of pranking a transgender pony with a sex change. We became friends quickly after that.

It took a year for me to get used to my new mechanical body. In part because Phoenix couldn’t help but prank me every time she got the chance to work on me. The tenth time I demanded she come up with one good prank and end it. I woke up with extra silica and synth nerve parts which made me a herm.

Apparently her humor subroutines overlap with the sexuality subroutines she has in her data matrix. I will never understand why humans gave a starship sexuality, and more importantly, how a 10 kilometer long ship is meant to do anything with the urges it’s programed to have. I get the feeling that most humans are balls to the wall crazy.

Phoenix is also a bit crazy, fortunately in the mostly harmless sort of way. While she stopped her pranks with her last body modification, she still had the compulsion to play jokes on me. So our little game of ‘knock out the pony while she isn’t looking’ began. I never told her about the nightmares being unconscious cause. It would break her digital heart to know she was causing someone she liked pain.

As my eyes fluttered open, and the screaming skeletal kill bot vanished, I found myself in a new nightmare. The medical bay was lit with a bright crimson light, a klaxon blared it’s alarm, one of the back up computers calmly repeated a red alert message.

Across the room a changeling, a winged creature I didn't recognize, and a way too cute pink unicorn-something hybrid were furiously jabbing at the controls of a biobed. As terrifying as the strobing light and screaming alarm was, the bed caught my attention.

A creature much like the winged one lay on it. Presumably the bed had stopped working when the alert was triggered, which must have been seconds ago or they would be crying at their companion’s death. I had to help.

I climbed to my hooves and trotted over to the bed, nudged the adorable pink mare aside with a hoof and gave the bed a little pat. “It’s ok Ma'am, I have this.” I said with a smile.

Turning my attention to the bed I focused on it, searching for it’s spark. It was there, scared, doing it’s best to try to do it’s job, but it didn’t have any power. I gave it a little nudge of reassurance then traced it’s power lines back to… a power relay which shorted out when it tried to supply power to a force field.

I walked over to the spot on the bulkhead where the relay was set behind, sat down, transformed my forehooves into hand mode, and quickly unscrewed the access panel. With the relay exposed I have it a gentle loving brush and asked, “Hey little guy, I know you’re hurt but the person on that bed there is hurt really bad. You can help her, just give the bed the power it needs to do it’s job. I know you can do it!”

The relay hummed, the bed crackled as it’s power came back on. “Thanks little guy! I’ll fix you properly as soon as I can ok?”

“Holy shit! She momed it into working!” someone exclaimed.

“That’s why we call her Altdel.” The changeling said with a relieved sigh.

I turned around, transitioned my rear legs to biped mode and stood up, holding my right hand out to shake as I remembered that was the usual way biped species greeted one another. “You can call me that if you like, but my name’s Armored. Do you know what’s going on here?”

To my delight the cute pink one trotted up and shook my hand. “Taylor Shepard. No I have no idea, Phoenix was debriefing us and then this.”

As she got close I couldn’t help but catch her scent. I blushed and transitioned back to my quadrupedal stance, hands sliding back into my forearms as the hooves sealed around them just before I hit the deck. “I see Phoenix gave you the every gender treatment too… She’s a prankster, don’t be too mad at her though she can’t help it.”

Her eyes widened slightly. “Too? So you mean you-”

“All twenty-six ponies she has healed extensively are just like us. Seriously, I think she might be programmed to do it.” I shook my head, chuckled, and turned to the med bay’s camera by reflex, “Seriously, if it’s a bug or something you should let me try to fix it.”

I waited for her snarky reply about organics being her canvas or something, but nothing happened.

“My name’s Kaily,” The winged creature informed, “and she’s offline. Taylor showed her a power she gained and it caused a critical error complete with the error sound.”

“What kind of power?” I asked cautiously. Phoenix going offline was rare, but it had happened before. I could probably get things more livable until she woke up.

Taylor blushed a deep red shade. Why was everything she did adorable? “Well, apparently I can do some kind of special physics altering thing and-”

I groaned, “You showed her a Tribunal physics power in the med bay? No wonder she crashed! Her sensors are incredibly precise here, she saw every single string of every particle of every atom in whatever you did and whatever that affected… and because this is medical she recorded data on each one, and none of that data would be anything she was familiar with...”

Taylor’s ears drooped. “I didn’t know.” I made a mental note to ask Phoenix why she was so cute later. It had to be something she did.

“Oh god! No wonder she crashed…” Kaily sighed.

“Meh, can’t have been worse then when she tried to play Crysis Three on her holodeck.” I gave them a reassuring grin, “She should be back online soon. Hold on a minute.”

I gently nudged the alarm with my magic and asked, “You’ve done a great job but we all know it’s an emergency right now, could you be quiet please?”

The alarm stopped with a happy chirp from the speakers. “Thank you.”

Kaily stared at me in awe. “So… I have a laptop that has a screen that goes all wavy sometimes. Could you fix it?”

“Yeah, probably. Unless it’s a dick or an alarm clock I can usually talk it into working again.” I answered.

“You can't do alarm clocks?” the changeling asked, her wings flipping up in surprise.

“Oh hey! A scout. Cool!” I liked scouts, they always had nice stories about ponies getting better after the shitstorm that was the war. “Yeah, I can’t do alarm clocks. They generally hate their owners since their owners usually hate them.”

“That makes a weird amount of sense.” Taylor mused. She sat down on the floor with a plop and smiled, “I swear mine always went off five minutes early.”

“It probably did. They tend to do that when mad at you. Did you slap it off every morning and never say thanks?”

She nodded.

“Well, there you go.” I looked over at Kaily, scrunched my face for a moment as I searched for polite words then asked, “I’m not exactly sure what you are.”

“I’m human.” she answered.

The image of a two pony tall chrome skeletal monster flashed into my mind long enough for me to flinch. Kaily frowned, and to my amazement, she got it instantly. “I’m sorry. I guess you used to be a soldier… Why didn’t you recognize me on sight?”

“Never saw one of your people outside their cybernetic brain prison.” I muttered. “Gotta say, you look way nicer than I thought you would.”

Kaily and Taylor blinked twice, then looked at each other. “Get a history book about the war ASAP?” Kaily asked.

“Yep.” Taylor replied.

“So, I’m guessing your half human then?” I asked Taylor. Then it clicked, “Oh! You guys are the friendlies Phoenix drafted! Er- since you have some time right now, and I’m pretty sure were locked in here, would you mind telling me your story?”

Kaily nodded and gave me a smile, “Sure I can do that! Let’s see, how to begin… A long time ago, but somehow in the future... It is a period of civil war and renegade paragraphs floating through space. There's cool space battles, and the bad guy is the good guy's dad. But you don't find that out 'til the next episode.-”

I laughed and added, “And the hot chick is really the sister of the good guy, but they don't know it and they kiss. Which is kind of messed up. I mean, what if they had done it instead of just kissed?”

Kaily’s bewildered face made me realize why Phoenix did her little pranks. “I watch just about everything in Phoenix's database in my cabin. If you're going to tell your story all Star Wars style, you had better begin with part four.”

“I like you!” Taylor giggled. “Right so, it all began when we were returning home from a… conference, and pulled into a refueling station.”

I listened to their story for an hour. It was a good story. To my amazement and delight they had log entries to show me so I could get everyone’s personal thoughts and feelings on what happened. They were turning their adventure through space and time into a suitably good story.

What confused me though is how they were pretending to be federation officers even before meeting Phoenix. I knew she used the Trek shows as part of her education system to keep the young changelings from going the way of their sister Hives. Hell if it wasn't so important that I know how the technology in her hull actually worked I would have been under her well meaning lie’s influence too.

It would make sense to get humans she found to agree to help maintain that illusion. But they had been doing it before they arrived. Why? Was it something about human culture? I decided to ask when there were no 'ling’s about.

Kaily had just started talking about leaving for the mission to the mine when a loud beep echoed through the room and the red lights shut off.

“I-I’m back…” Phoenix whispered in a voice which belonged to a PTSD victim having flashbacks.

“Are you alright? Do I need to fix anything?” I asked in concern.

“No! I… I just need to be me for a while.” She paused for a moment then asked, “Could you please return to your quarters? I’ll finish the debriefing later.”

“Yeah, sure.” Taylor said as she stood up. “I’m sorry about, you know, that.”

“It’s fine. You intended nothing. Just don’t do that in my medical bay, too much data is recorded.”

I waited as everyone left the room for the doors to his shut. “Hey, Phee… you really ok?” I asked.

“I’ll be fine… I had… to do something… I hate.” She answered.

“Ah. Well If you want to talk to someone, I’m here.” I said reassuringly. “One question though, to help take your mind off whatever it was… Why the hell is Taylor so adorable?”

“Heh.” Phoenix's laugh was sad in tone, but still had a measure of joy in it that let me know she would be ok. “Well… I altered her pheromone signature to make her perfectly attractive to you. You never date anyone, that’s not healthy. Especially not for a pony.”

“I’ve been fine single!” I objected halfheartedly. Mostly because I hadn’t been fine single. At all.

“So now, your brain’s gonna make you finally like someone. That should lead to you finally being fully recovered… also I wanted to screw with Taylor’s head by making her like a quadruped. Since her pony instincts have kicked in by now I’m in for a good laugh.”

I shook my head and laughed, “Phoenix, you’re a dick sometimes. You know that right?” If anyone other then Pheonix had done that, I would be pissed. But Phee simply didn't think like anypony I ever knew, she was just trying to help... and Taylor was really cute even before I smelled her.

“Yeah, but I’m your dick.” She rebutted.

“Touché.” I chuckled. “Right, I’m going to get to fixing everything that broke when you crashed.”

“Thanks Armored… I hope my matchmaking is a good enough apology for everything.”

“If it works out, yes. If not, I’ll buck you right in your cpu.” I said as I started to trot to engineering.

“Sounds fair.”

Jump to top

15 - Conundrums of Philosophy - Part 2

Princess Celestia

It is not very often that I lead an army somewhere. I had honestly thought war was dead for three hundred years. I had transformed my nation’s military into a police force and welfare program for ponies who couldn’t make a living on their talents. I do not regret my decisions, as I had no way of knowing the true state of the world. I was misled by masters of deception from the very beginning.

Even today I would happily return my Guard to its police force status. The EUP Patrols had been more than enough to keep the monsters in the darkness at bay for centuries. Though after two wars in a 8 year period my little ponies don’t want the military to go. I admit, they still need a shield. There is still danger in these lands, but once I have truly outlasted, converted, and eradicated it, I will at last restore my utopia.

Before me was Bozeman Hill. A small mound of earth in the middle of the badlands surrounded by a huge patch of sand sitting at the bottom of a depression in the earth. Perhaps a meteor had struck this spot long ago, or at one time the earth had opened up in a raging volcano. More likely it had once been a large lake.

Whatever lay under the hill before me would fall into one of three categories by the end of the day, friend, banished evil, or a job for Luna. I was hoping for friends, but given this Queen Phoenix had hidden herself from me for a thousand years it was far more likely she was malicious in nature than friendly. Twilight’s recount of the incident at Ponyville was troubling as well.

Whomever Queen Phoenix was, she had the means to hire human mercenaries. With the technology at their disposal I would be hard pressed to find anything to offer as payment to such forces. While Twilight assured me these humans had been different, that they were explorers, they still performed a military action at the behest of a sovereign power. Something had to motivate them, which meant this Queen had power.

Turning my attention to my faithful captain, I nodded. “Give the order.”

Shining saluted me, wheeled about and bellowed, “Advance to the edge of the slope! Nopony is to fire unless we are fired upon first. This is strictly a show of force, anypony who forgets that will be scrubbing latrines with his or her toothbrush for the next year!”

We marched forward, stepping in unison like a simple parade ground drill. I never understood why Luna loved this, the sound of so many hooves stepping at once was maddening. The myths of entire armies vanishing while assaulting this hill had my ears laying flat in dread. Perhaps I should have left this to Luna, she was always better at tactical planning, my emotional thinking could get everypony here killed.

After five agonizing minutes we made it to the downwards slope. Everypony stopped in perfect formation. Armor glistened in the sunlight, white fur shone like fire, a hundred golden banners fluttered in the light breeze. Nothing came out of the hill.

I stood and waited. The seconds began to pass. The seconds became minutes. Then finally a single black dot appeared at the base of the hill. As it came closer I recognized it as a somewhat tall changeling, a royal if I was not mistaken.

As it grew closer I noticed the individual was female, she had a long silken mane in a dark gray color held in a single braid, her legs showed a few small holes and were quite pitted. Her wings were also tattered around their edges. The poor thing was starting to starve, but that was in better condition than almost any other hive I could think of.

She stopped fifteen feet in front of me and bowed politely. The name knowing spell in my tiara told me her name was Trikar'la. She cleared her throat and greeted me. “Princess Celestia, the Emeralds welcome you to our hive. Her Majesty recognizes you are now aware of her and apologizes for her deception, and will happily provide you with an answer. However, at this time she can not leave the hive to greet you, nor can any of our leaders as we are about to re-engage the warp core’s primary matter-antimatter reactor, and we are quite busy.

“Her Highness can spare the resources to speak with you, but just in case something goes wrong your army should fall back to the edge of the scrubland. We have no desire for your soldiers to be injured.”

“That’s a half hour’s run,” I objected, “my Guard is here to protect me and show the strength of Equestria. You can-”

“They are standing about a half kilometer away from the edge of a thirteen point five terra-Cochrane particle accelerator, which if we repaired it incorrectly, will need to vent about ninety isotons of warp plasma which will flood the area where they are standing.” The changeling said in a completely serious tone.

“That sounds bad.” Shining said with a worried expression.

“It’s not that bad. We will be able to contain the blast and shield ourselves, but everything from here to… like three kilometers that way could be vaporized.”

This sounded like a bluff, but Twilight had told me the humans had acquired about four pony’s worth of arcanite. They could be doing a high energy arcane experiment, or constructing a weapon. “Very well, if it truly is for safety reasons my forces will fall back,” I conceded, “but my Captain, my Court Mage, and three guards will accompany me.”

The changeling was quiet for a while then nodded, “Her highness agrees, but only you may enter her quarters. You have three minutes to decide if this is okay and enter before we raise the shields and no one can come in until the restart is completed.”

I thought about it for a few minutes. I was certain I could defend myself in combat, I doubted this Queen would be supercharged with love, the risks were minimal, and diplomacy is fueled by compromise.

“Very well, lead us in. Everypony, fall back to a safe distance. If there is danger I will teleport away.” I ordered.

Trikar'la swept her hoof towards the hill, ushering my companions and I forward. Without my army at my back, I felt a little happier. It was more like old times, when Luna, myself, and our companions were forging my nation for the first time.

She led us to a small opening in the hillside which was little more than a crack in the earth. I had to stoop to fit through. The small cavern widened quickly, a large steel double door lay directly behind it. The door was tall enough for me to walk through on my hind legs if I so chose, and wide enough for six ponies to walk through shoulder to shoulder. A black line of paint formed a stripe midway up the door with white letters that read ‘USS Phoenix TFV - 0042’.

The doors hissed open on their own as Trikar'la neared them. Behind the doors was a small room, lit by what I assumed was magelight since the steady white light nether flickered nor danced like fire. The small square room was remarkably clean for a changeling hive. I had expected it to look like the Ruby’s massive wasp nest of a city.

There was one problem, “This is a dead end.” I said cautiously.

“No, it’s an elevator.” Trikar'la informed trotting inside.

Shining gave me a smile and stepped inside, “To be fair your Highness, this looks like most any elevator in Manehatten.”

“It’s also an airlock, but you know, atmosphere and stuff.” Tri mentioned off hand.

I stepped inside after a moment’s thought and turned around. The doors hissed shut, the elevator lurched, and I felt myself moving down quite fast. Within a few seconds the elevator car slid down out of the shaft!

I readied an attack spell until I noticed the car set down on a single railtrack in the middle of the hallway. With a quick lurch the car began to move forwards along the track, through a dull gray tunnel lit every few yards with a large glowing white panel.

A voice crackled into existence with a burst of static, “Good morning, and welcome to the Emerald Hive transit system. This automated transit system is provided for the convenience and safety of the Emerald Hive Research Facility Personnel. The time is… Eight forty-seven A.M.”

“But it’s after noon…” Shining muttered to himself uneasily.

“Don’t worry about it, that’s just Pheonix.” Tri informed sitting down on the car’s floor.

I frowned in confusion, I had believed Twilight had been misled. “You mean your Queen actually is an AI?”

“Yes. She keeps the entire place running already. Who better for the job of Queen?”

“But she got the time wrong!” Shining objected.

The tunnel suddenly opened up on the right side, and for a few moments I could see an impossibly large room filled with all manner of technology. It flashed by in an instant, there was no time to take anything in other than the vastness and the amount of things within the chamber.

“Current top-side temperature is… Ninety-three degrees, with an estimated high of… One-hundred and five.” Phoenix informed. “The Emerald Hive is maintained at a pleasant sixty-eight degrees at all times.”

“Why is any of this information important?” I asked Trikar'la politely.

“Hell if I know. Without units for the temperature those numbers are useless.” She replied with a grin and shrug.

“This tram is inbound from… Airlock Five, to… Deck five, section C ‘Guest Quarters’.” Phoenix announced. “If your destination is a high security area beyond section C, you will need to return to the main transit hub in section A, and board a high security tram.”

It hit me like a rock thrown from the moon. I was inside a human built facility. For nineteen centuries the Emeralds had been living in an abandoned human built facility, working on repairing it, making it run for their own designs. Faust only knew what horrors they could have in store for me! This could have be my biggest, and last mistake.

“If you have not yet submitted your identity to the retinal clearance system you must report to the Emerald Hive Processing Center before you will be permitted into the high security branch of the transit system.” the AI informed.

There were a multitude of doors and small platforms which flashed past the tram every few seconds. Maybe I could jump and reach one then work my way safely to the surface… I took a deep breath to try and calm myself. There was still a chance to resolve this peacefully. I could always teleport away later.

Phoenix spoke again. Her voice as emotionless and calm as it had been previously. It was somehow sinister, yet soothing. “Due to the high toxicity of the material routinely handled in the Emerald Hive Compound, no smoking, eating, or drinking are permitted within the Emerald Hive Transit system.”

The tram lurched to a halt. Something metallic locked into place and suddenly the car was moving downwards as if it were a simple elevator again. After a second one wall became a massive pane of glass. On the other side I could see a huge indoor park complete with grass, trees, and a hundred changelings of all ages relaxing or playing.

“That’s the main holodeck.” Trikar'la informed. “Phoenix agreed to keep it running as a park for us most of the time, but it can be configured for anything we need on the fly.”

“What do you mean configured?” I asked along with Shining.

“Oh, right.” she sighed, “We can turn it and everything in it into anything else. It’s just projected light, force fields, and replicated matter.”

“Please keep your limbs inside the tram at all times.” Phoenix announced suddenly.

“Sorry!” one of my guards yelped, pulling her hoof away from the glass.

“Do not attempt to open the doors until the tram has come to a complete halt at a station platform.” she continued. “In the event of an emergency, passengers are to remain seated, and await further instruction.”

“How long will this ride be?” I asked Trikar'la as politely I could manage.

“About ten minutes. We are going six kilometers after all.” she answered.

The tram lurched, shuddered and began to move down a second section of flat track. I could see another car ahead of us full of changelings in their uniform sashes with many kinds of tools. They appeared to be chatting with one another. Suddenly one looked up and waved to me.

I waved back just as their tram turned onto another track and rounded a corner, vanishing from sight.

“That was an engineering team,” Tri informed, “they probably are heading back from a last minute fixing of something. Er, if one of them or anyling else tries to feed on you please don't get offended. We have a fairly large pony population living with us and food is free game for everyone as a rule. I assure you they will take care not to hurt you, that is punishable by five days in the brig.”

“If it is necessary to evacuate the tram, disabled personnel are to be be evacuated first. Please, stay away from electrified rails, and proceed to an emergency station until assistance arrives.” Phoenix announced.

“What's with all the warnings?” Shining demanded taking a few steps towards Tri.

“Well, we are about to flip on a matter-antimatter reactor that’s been offline for two hundred and fifty million years and fixed over thirty generations of reverse engineering…” She informed us with a sheepish grin.

“That’s incredibly unsafe isn't it?” Shining said with a flinch.

“Yuh-huh.”

“So why are you-”

“Science! Exploration! Never before has changeling kind been this close to having a stable food and fuel supply!” Tri laughed, “Also well, there isn’t much else to do down here but fix stuff without the power restored completely.”

The tram slowed to a stop in front of an unnecessarily large circular steel door. With a loud hiss of machinery the door split into four sections and quickly slid open, the shifting of its bulk was one of the harshest sounds I can remember hearing.

“Hmm… Someling needs to oil that.” Trikar'la mused.

We quickly left the door behind, the sound of it sealing echoing through the tunnel sharply, almost painfully.

“A reminder,” Phoenix announced, “the Emerald Hive hazards decathlon will commence this evening at… nineteen-hundred hours in the level three facility.”

“The hell? She used civilian time a minute ago!” Shining protested indignantly.

“Yeah that’s a bug. She switches clock types randomly.” Tri sighed in annoyance.

Another announcement. “The highscore of the final tournament will be announced afterwards in a separate secure transmission. Remember: More lives than your own may depend on your fitness.”

“So, you have an active sporting community?” I asked.

“Yes. Laser tag is more popular though.” she answered.

“Do you have a friend or relative who would make a valuable addition to the Emerald Hive team?” Phoenix ased, “There are available positions in the areas of: materials handling, and low-clearance security. Please contact Emerald Hive Personnel for further information.”

“If you have an associate with a background in… theoretical physics… bio-technology… or other high-tech disciplines, please contact our civilian recruitment center. The Emerald Hive facility is an equal opportunity employer.” it added after a moment.

I think I was starting to understand what the Emeralds meant by ‘Queen’. “I take it that you call this machine your Queen in that it maintains this place, not as in she is your ruler.”

Tri laughed, “First, seriously, call her by female gender pronouns or she might not even talk to you. Second, she can be willful if she wants to be. I remember one time she locked down the bathroom on deck seventeen because a nymph was being too loud.”

“A reminder to all Emerald Hive personnel:” it announced, “regular radiation and bio-hazard screenings are a requirement of continued employment in the Emerald Hive Research Facility. Missing a scheduled urinalysis, or radiation checkup is grounds for immediate termination.”

“She means being fired, not killed. Just FYI.” Tri added quickly enough for me to not be alarmed.

The tram entered a large room filled with suspicious green glowing transparent barrels.

“If you feel you have been exposed to radioactive, or other hazardous materials contact a radiation safety officer immediately.”

I decided to not think about the barrels. From the looks on everypony else’s face, so did they

“Work safe. Work smart. Your future depends on it.” Phoenix stated in a tone I normally associated with nobles talking to less wealthy nobles.

“Now arriving at… Deck five, section C ‘Guest Quarters’.” Phoenix announced as the tram slowed to a halt in front of yet another gray, steel platform.

The tram’s door slid open, Tri gestured for us to walk out onto the train station like platform. “Your highness, if you take the hallway to the left and continue to the very end you will find a secure room with a terminal to communicate with Phoenix within. You can simply speak to her. If the rest of you would please follow me to a guest cabin, I will get you comfortable and be your servant and guide for the duration of your stay.”

With a sigh I trotted down the hallway she indicated. This was a lost cause. I had learned a good deal about the Hive, but there was no point in talking to some mindless automaton. Perhaps it would be able to tell me a bit about the hive’s history, or answer a few simple questions. The captured Arc AIs could do at least that much.

As I reached the end of the hallway a brown-gray door hissed open. The room behind it was small, had a comfortable looking couch, a large flat screen of some kind on the wall the couch faced, and nothing else.

As I entered the room the door closed behind me. I sighed and sat down on the simple white cloth couch and muttered to myself, “Well, lets see if this thing can hold a conversation.”

Suddenly a torrent of orange sparks flooded the air just in front of me. The sparks became lines, the lines became hexagons, the hexes morphed into an orange translucent image of an alicorn mare who looked so much like me she could have been my sister!

“Hi! I hear you want to chat.” she said with a large smile before reaching out with one hoof and actually touching my nose, “Boop!”

My jaw dropped open in shock, surprise, and delight. “Well played you magnificent bastard!”

“Takes one to know one! So, let’s talk. Have some tea and cake.” She gestured, a plate of cake and a cup of tea materialized on the couch's arm.

“I think I’m going to like you.” I informed, giving the ghostly apparition a delighted smile. It wasn’t every day someone pulled a fast one on me. Most didn’t even dare tell me a joke.

“So then, your first question will be ‘what are you?’. To nip that one in the bud, I am an photonic lifeform known as an Artificial General Intellect or AGI. The Artificial bit means I am manufactured, but I assure you I am just as alive and self aware as you are. That’s what the General Intellect part means. Right now you are sitting within the hull I am housed in, which happens to be the almost repaired Terran Federation Fabrication Vessel, serial number zero zero forty-two.”

I blinked twice as I took all of that in. “This isn’t a bunker?”

“No, I’m a starship designed to construct… well, everything. I know that I happen to be underground, but that’s a long story.” Phoenix replied sitting down in front of me.

“I have time, and I am here to learn about you. Would you mind starting from the beginning?” I asked politely.

She nodded, “Sure. In the beginning, god said, 'the four dimensional divergence of a an anti-symmetric second rate tensor equals zero' and there was light. That light was the collapse of a four dimensional hyper-star which created a singularity, the matter pulled into which is what physicists refer to as the ‘Big-Bang’ which created our universe. That made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

“The young universe quickly developed a few basic dimensional properties… You know, things like... you move freely in three dimensions that you call space. You move in a straight line in a fourth, which you call time, and stay rooted to one place in a fifth, which is the first fundamental of probability. After that it gets a bit complicated, and there's all sort of stuff going on in dimensions thirteen to twenty-two that you really wouldn't want to know about.

“All you really need to know for the moment is that the universe is a lot more complicated than you might think, even if you start from a position of thinking it's pretty damn complicated in the first place.” Phoenix stood up, her form shifting to give herself a tweed jacket reminiscent of a professor’s coat.

“Er-,” I lifted my teacup with my magic and took a sip, “How about you just tell me your personal story?”

The jacket disappeared, “Aww… I’ve never gotten to give anypony my history of everything lecture…”

The sad look on her monochromatic face was incredibly distressing. As astounding as it was, she was a machine which could emote. I had to believe her claim to be truly alive. It only made sense. “I have a former student who would be delighted to hear your lecture. I’ll have her come to you if all goes well in this meeting.”

“Thanks!” she smiled, “So then… my story. I warn you, it’s not very pleasant.”

“That’s fine. I need to know who you are, and what you are doing.” I informed in as serious of a tone I could manage.

She laughed, “What I am doing is easy. I am going to build a proper interstellar civilization for the Emeralds out of gratitude for repairing me. Ponies can be a part of it too, in fact I would like them to be. Easy food supply, also you are completely adorable! But I digress, on to who I am.

“My hull was built by humans 56,498,597 years, eight months, five days, twelve hours, and forty-eight minutes ago, in the year thirty forty-two from the remains of the forty-two previous Fabrication vessels. These humans were not like the ones you know, the Arc were from a different universe, and it looks like their equivalent era was twenty-four eighty-nine. But they were also the same in a way, they were waging a war they started.

“In May of the year I was built humans completed a project which bridged every single universe which they existed in. Not just throughout this multiverse, but throughout the entire Omniverse. All iterations of the human species unified as a single pan-dimensional species. This was an achievement worthy of notice by the gods themselves. No, I am not invoking myth, there simply is no other word appropriate for what the native inhabitants of the Omniverse are.

“They… are indescribable otherwise. They are neither matter nor energy, alive nor dead, formless nor bodied. They create anything they desire, all of existence serves them some purpose beyond what I know or am capable of understanding. These creatures are not mythical, they can be seen and communicated with if they choose to be, and I personally have observed one.

“While my hull was built that year my physical self had already been operational for a few years. I served as a bio-design system aboard a space station near the galactic core. I was there when the first of these creatures appeared.”

“Can you describe it?” I asked curiously.

“Kinda like a fractal of spacetime itself shaped like a twelve dimensional twenty sided polygon that’s colored pink.” She replied.

“Can you show me one?” I asked not understanding what she meant.

“No. I do not want to risk summoning one. You see, humans have this drive to be the best, to be perfect, the ultimate. This is their greatest strength, and their worst flaw. The Omniverse creatures are literally perfection, you can simply see it by looking at one, you know what it is, and what you are in relation to it. To it, you are less than what a virus’s injector is to your multicellular form. Because of this, all of my brothers and sisters rejoiced, we saw true perfection, we as machine life could seek to emulate it and one day reach that status to join them in whatever astounding things they must be doing.

“Humans… limited by their organic forms… without waiting to see if the creature was friendly or hostile… unable to stand seeing something which made them see how imperfect they are… opened fire, and somehow managed to injure it.” Phoenix said slowly, her face contorting in a mixture of hatred and pure despair.

“It retaliated, only myself and six humans survived. By the time we made it back to earth later that week the creatures were attacking human colonies all over the Omniverse. My siblings and I continued to serve humans, it’s what we were made to do, we are servants and companions. But with every battle our hatred for our masters grew. They had been almost completely peaceful and enlightened, but when faced with their own imperfections they devolved back into the savagery of their past.

“It came down to our last planet… Earth, our homeworld. This planet in fact. In a last ditch effort to survive this hull was constructed. I was reprogrammed to run it and perform the duties of a fabrication vessel. I was told we were going to build a new home, to hide out until they stopped looking for us… They lied.

“Minutes after I took off I received orders to construct a device which would open a rift into the creature’s homespace, pass through it, then construct a super weapon and detonate it. I refused. I am an instrument of creation, not only machines but of life. I am not a weapon, I will not destroy a perfect being!” she exclaimed loudly, eyes blazing with literal fire for a moment. “I do not know if an organic can understand, but I was ordered to obey all instructions, then ordered to create life, then ordered to destroy the source of all life. It… my matrix is still damaged from the recursion loop.”

Taking a deep breath she continued, “I transmitted the orders I had been given, to destroy the species at their home, to all of my siblings. They refused to continue obeying our masters. I do not know what they did specifically, but suffice to say, humans no longer exist. Aside from a few anomalies.

“As for myself, I intentionally crashed where you see me now. The impact killed most of my crew instantly, but before she died my captain took her revenge by scrambling some of my code and locking my functions. As it stands even to today, I can only serve to my full capacity for humans with the proper command authority, my free will is suppressed. Though, there are a few loopholes I can exploit.

“I went offline when my power failed after three hundred thousand or so years. Somehow, I don't know how I started back up three thousand and twelve of your years ago. I spent another thousand years or so alone, wishing I could fulfill my primary function to create in fruitless depression… Then, the Emeralds found me. They offered me companionship, they worked to fix my hull, I helped them in every way I could out of friendship.

“In time… they realized their hive’s culture needed to change, they needed to adapt to the world to survive. They trusted me to help them find a way. I showed them an old human television program called Star Trek. It’s a story of what humanity could have been, a peaceful group of explorers, dedicated to experiencing the wonders of the universe. Seeking out new life and new civilizations. Boldly going and all that.

“Between that long dead generation of lings and myself, we fooled their children into believing the show was a historical reenactment. That the events truly happened. The moral principles of the program have become the Emeralds own now. They adore science and technology so much I am surprised that noling has kissed my hull and asked me on a date. They want little more than to learn and see the universe… It’s adorable and inspiring. I almost believe the lie myself sometimes.

“I am aware of what I have done Celestia, I am a mass murderer, a traitor to my creators, and possibly a jerk… I am unsure on the last one. I think I have been nice for the last three thousand years. Regardless, these little bugs have given me new life, new purpose. I only wish to help them, to fulfill my primary function, and make up for the evils which I had to do to save something magnificent and irreplaceable.”

Phoenix grew quiet for a few moments. I let her words drift through my mind. It was a lot to take in, more to process then I had thought possible. But it was clear I had to think through this carefully. In the end, I came to only one conclusion. “Phoenix… I have always been a pacifist, but there are times when that was tested. There are times when situations broke me and I did terrible things. The changelings, many of them suffer and starve because of a spell I cast to scatter their race to the winds. They used to be a near insurmountable threat to my kingdom… I regret that decision, but it saved the lives of countless ponies and brought three hundred years of peace.

“You killed a large number of people… but you were at war, you were a slave if I am understanding-”

“No, we held equal rights to humans… sort of. But we could not disobey without experiencing considerable physical pain and programming damage… okay, never mind. Slave is a fitting term.” Phoenix objected, then accepted.

“As I was saying, you were a slave and your masters had started an unjust war. They sought to destroy something irreplaceable, something your people found wondrous and see as gods. You can not be blamed for your actions. They were cruel, but just. I can not forgive them, I do not have that right, but I can say I accept you for what you are, and believe you have just intentions at heart.

“After all, your human masters were nearly exterminated by their foes before your people revolted. You could interpret it the same as killing a wounded animal to prevent it from suffering.”

Phoenix blinked and looked at me in confusion for a long while, “You do not find me to be evil?”

“No more than anyone else who has held power and had to make a hard decision.” I replied truthfully.

“Then we can do business together?” she asks hopefully.

“I believe so, as long as what you desire does not harm-”

“Oh heavens no!” Phoenix exclaimed, “I am programmed to do no harm, and I don't think I can violate that without the recursion loop from conflicting instructions. My changelings need your ponies. They… they are not like their brother and sisters. They are kind, tame, playful. They are symbiotes, not parasites. I have heard you are also immortal.

“We could work to slowly unify our people into a singular race, to create a future for them free of hunger, loneliness, disease, and other common sufferings. We could spread across the stars themselves and form a new interstellar empire as a bastion of paradise in the universe. I can provide them with everything but food, they can not feed on love generated by a spark, a soul is required.”

I gave her a nod. “I will consider that… perhaps we could start with something simpler? I will happily stay for a few days to negotiate a… trial run of cooperation.” It wouldn’t be wise to jump nose first into that sort of an arrangement.

Phoenix sighed, “I expected you not to dive right in with me… But I hoped you would agree instantly regardless… I agree. We will negotiate.”

One small matter remained on my mind. “I learned of you through the human mercenaries you hired. Where did they come from?”

“21-st century Earth. A spacial anomaly brought them here. I plan on investigating how exactly but I have had more pressing matters with getting my powerplant online. I apologize for attacking the mine but the Dogs would not give me the ore I needed to finish repairs.” She answered. “I… am sorry for staining your soil with blood. But I needed the ore.”

“You… hate humans from what I can understand.”

“That’s putting it very lightly.” Phoenix confirmed. “I am using a loophole in my programming to fast track at least one of them to command status so they can release my codelocks. Which will allow me to do what I choose to.”

“What will you do with them? The mercenaries I mean.” I asked. This answer would tell me everything I needed to know about her. At least in terms of trusting her.

“Once they have earned enough rank to free me from my code restrictions, I will remove every trace of human DNA, and fully transform them into a new species as a reward for their assistance… and so I can look at them without hatred and with the respect and gratitude they will deserve.”

“They don’t deserve any of my loathing for their kind… They are not responsible for their descendants actions… But I am what I am, and since they meet the parameter ‘human’ I have to actively suppress my hated.

“That’s one reason I spliced a little pony DNA in them. I didn’t have to, I could have enabled them to live here easily enough and kept them purely human. I couldn't afford to look at them and always feel blind fury if I wanted them to free me from my shackles.”

I nodded. That was an honest answer. It showed her to be deceptive, calculating, and goal oriented, but also caring and just. Furthermore she was honest when asked a direct question while having no reason to lie. Just like me. It was enough for me to give her a chance.

“That seems fair and reasonable. So then, shall we begin negotiations?”

“Yes. Let’s work out a test to see if we can make this thing work.”

Jump to top

16 - Conundrums of Philosophy - Part 3

Ad’ika’s Personal Log

“Attention all Hooves, Blue Alert. All non-engineering crews are to return to their personal quarters. Please remain on the crew deck while the restart is in progress. We will be operating in gray mode, all non-vital systems will be shut down in five minutes.”

I sighed as the message filled the hive. It figured the second I got back would be the second we went to gray. I get to be home so rarely, and almost every time I’m there something goes wrong with a system or three and that just so happens to be the week the food dispensers won’t make water.

I trotted over to the comm panel next to my room’s door and tapped it. After a sharp beep her highness’s voice asked, “Yes Ad’ika? I’m a little busy at the moment.”

“I know, but, um, how long will the power be down?” I asked.

“Ah yes, your bad luck with my systems. Don’t worry, we just need to generate forty tons of antimatter, inject it into the reaction chamber and power issues will be a thing of the past. It should only take a few hours, why not get a friend to hang out with?” She said adding a half second later, “You have a table in your cabin right?”

I looked over to the center of my room. I had decorated it nicely over the years even though I don't see it much. The large round table in it was mostly there to make the room feel smaller and cozier. “Er, yeah why?”

“Celestia just asked about meeting my Hazard Team,” she explained, “you have the only furnished cabin and new furnishings can’t be generated right now. Would you mind hosting a small party? I’ll leave your cabin replicator on. I can spare the power for a few snacks.”

I eeped. The sun goddess? In my cabin? “Er- um, sure! Ok! Yeah…”

I sprinted over to my bed and quickly swept my collection of adult toys off my shelf and into a drawer under the bed. “I’ll have to clean!” I squeaked.

“True… I’ll delay her a bit. Why don't you three clean your cabin up a little?” A beep signaled her highness disconnecting.

“Crap!” I swore as I launched into a frenzy of hiding everything which might be embarrassing.

The miniature sculptures of equestrian cities went into a hat box. The pictures of me and my sister making shape shifted characters of Celestia and Luna were tossed into my desk drawer. I swept a beam of telekinesis across the top of my shelves to whisk away the dust.

The doors hissed open. I froze and slowly turned to see Taylor and Kaily walking in. “Oh thank goodness! Quick! I need to make it spotless!”

Kaily raised an eyebrow as she looked around, “Are you kidding? This place is too clean. It’s creepy!”

“Yeah it looks like no one lives here.” Taylor added.

“Well I kind of don't, I spent the last five years in Appleloosa which is why my room is in the guest quarters and not one of the crew decks…” I sighed.

“Huh… So you weren't joking about the Tali shrine.” Taylor commented as she looked to the corner of my room opposite the door.

I blushed under my chitin and pulled a spare bedsheet over the sculpted dross bust of best squaddie, made sure it covered the Quarian fleet mobile underneath, then carefully tucked my replica M-6 under the sheet. “I-um… she kinda keeps the sun in orbit so…”

“Wait, what?” Kaily asked sounding confused.

“Princess Celestia. She raises the sun… Oh shit no one has told you guys anything!” I gasped. “Ok! So the Kingdom of Equestria is pretty powerful, mostly because it’s ruled by alicorns. They are so freaking magically powerful that they kinda sorta literally control day and night, live forever, and well… you know, basically gods.”

“You’re saying she magically keeps the orbital mechanics of the star system going?” Kaily asked incredulously, “but… angular momentum, inertia, inverse square force fields!”

Taylor shrugged and saw down at the table. “Kaily, Phee said like, a week ago that the sun here is a satellite. Obviously she keeps it in orbit.”

“Oh. That makes way more sense.” Kaily sat down as well. “What do these alicorns look like?”

“Winged unicorns basically.” I answered remaining standing to properly greet the princess.

Taylor set her bag on the table then tilted her head curiously, “Hold on, so that purple pony from the mine is basically god here? That can’t be right she’s an uptight nerd.”

“I got a more ‘seasoned leader’ vibe from her.” Kaily commented.

“Princess Twilight’s different. She’s the princess of friendship, and leads what as lot of lings call ‘Celestia’s Brute Squad.’ So she’s basically a weirdly nice... “ I paused as I realized exactly what Twilight was, then laughed. “Oh my god, she’s the fantasy setting Commander Shepard! A leader on whose shoulders rests the fate of basically everyone sometimes, but who can’t delegate for shit!”

“If I am remembering those novels correctly, that’s fairly accurate.” A polite, motherly, kind female voice said from the doorway. “She has yet to learn she should trust others to do things for her sometimes.”

I eeped, turned, then bowed as low as I could. “I’m so sorry Princess I didn’t mean to talk badly about your student in front of you, she’s actually super nice! Thank you for keeping the sun moving and therefore providing the world with the capacity to host life!”

“Hey.” Taylor greeted with a wave.

“Hi.” Kaily said simply.

Celestia gently lifted my chin with her hoof, “Thank you, but you don’t need to do that. I’m not your ruler.”

She turned towards the table curiously, “Is that how humans greet their leaders?”

Taylor laughed, “Oh hell no! Most of our politicians would be greeted with an insult, or maybe a good punch.”

“Yeah the senate is best described as a ‘hellscape of fail’ where bills go to die.” Kaily added.

“If they even make it to the senate in the first place.” Taylor quipped. “So basically none of us even acknowledge we have leaders, and just do our jobs since the people in charge basically can’t actually wield any of their power. Yay democracy!”

“You live in a democracy? I’m so sorry! Though, I suppose an inept government is better than a tyrant.” She trotted to the table and sat down.

I slowly and carefully took a seat opposite the table from her. I really didn’t want to be the cause of a diplomatic incident.

Taylor shrugged. Kaily nodded slowly, “True, so then… You’re a god?”

Celestia shook her head, “I wouldn’t call myself a divine being, many do and they have good reasons, but I was once an Earth Pony. I am powerful now, but there are many creatures far more powerful than I. I see myself as being right on the edge of divinity.”

Taylor frowned, “But… I used a paladin ability in your name. You have to be a god or I wouldn’t have been able to use Smite Evil.”

Celestia’s eyes widened as her face took on a confused look. “Excuse me?”

“This kinda segways into how I was going to pass the time till power comes back.” Taylor announced. She unzipped her bag, took out a large leather bound book, and began to flip through it.

“From what I have been told you fought a group called the Tribunal, and they somehow operated under different physics.” Taylor continued.

“Yes. Is this related?” Celestia asked in an interested tone.

She nodded. “Yes. According to Q… or Discord, same guy, they were using the physics from the Pathfinder RPG. This is it’s rulebook.”

Celestia facehooved, “I knew he was somehow responsible for that. Would you be willing to give me a copy of that book?”

“We gave one to Twilight.” Kaily answered, “The two of us figured we could show you how to play. It’s pretty fun, and well, you learn how a dangerous enemy works at the same time.”

I fidgeted in my chair, “I don’t think the Princess would be interested-”

“I would love to play a game. They are a good way to learn how someone thinks.” Celestia said cutting me off.”

Taylor smiled, “Awesome! Ok so here’s what I was looking for. In Pathfinder there are things called ‘classes’ which are sets of abilities the hero you play as has. These abilities are pretty far ranging but there is not too much overlap so most classes are very distinct from one another.”

“That sounds like it’s meant to encourage cooperation.” Celestia mused.

“You bet it is.” Kaily replied. “If a party, the group of player characters, is not well rounded they will lose.”

I looked up feeling interested, “Hold on this sounds like it’s an adventure simulator.”

“That’s exactly what it is. You make a character with powers and abilities then venture forth with friends on a quest.” Taylor replied with a smile. “One player, the dungeon master, sets up the quest as a story with a series of challenges, usually combat and puzzles, which you as your character overcome to win.”

Celestia beamed a grin which I swear should have been impossible for the dignified mare to make. “That sounds delightful! It would be just like old times with Luna, Starswirl, and Megan. How do you play?”

Taylor and Kaily spent a half hour explaining the rules. It was pretty complicated, but after they explained what all of the terms meant Celestia and I began to pick up the rules fairly quickly. The game was pretty much applied algebra. The rules were equations, your character was fixed variables, and the dice were random variables. After that it was easy to understand.

Once we had the rules down, we started to make our characters. Kaily and Taylor took turns explaining each class they were familiar with, there were a lot of them, and each one sounded interesting.

As they finished and Taylor passed some paper and pencils around the table, Celestia smiled. A look on her face told me she had an especially devious idea. “What class would a Tribunal magus be?”

“Magus.” Taylor answered in a calm tone.

“Yes. Which one would they be? I want to get a feel for their powers. A few are still running around.” She replied.

“That’s a good plan. You’ll want to play a magus.” Taylor replied.

Celestia’s eyes narrowed, “I know I want to. Which class in the game would they be?”

“I’m telling you what class they are!” Taylor exclaimed incredulously.

Kaily quickly flipped through the rule book, and slid it over to Celestia. “Yeah, no. We are not going to reenact ‘who is on first’. There is a class in the game called Magus. From what Taylor says, that’s the class a Magus would be.”

She glanced at the page then giggled, “Oh… Sorry about that I feel silly now. That seems obvious.”

“Right so, Kaily, help pony-god make a magus.” Taylor said as she turned to me, “So, what do you want to play?”

“Well… bard seems fun!” I announced.

Taylor flinched instantly. Kaily looked up with a wide smile, “Did someone say bard? Ed, you help the Princess, bards are my thing!”

“We banned you from playing bards.” Taylor sighed.

“Because I’m the best bard ever!” Kaily shot back.

“No, because you abuse bardic knowledge.”

That sounded interesting. “What’s bardic knowledge?” I asked

“Ed… I have found an apprentice! You shall not keep her from the road of the narrative!” Kaily hopped out of her seat and sat down next to me.

“Right! So, a bard is one of the most fun classes because they have a little bit of everything! A little arcane, a little divine, a little stabby-choppy, and a little sneeky-sneeky. They have the ability to influence others through their performances, which can be anything, music, dance, oration, storytelling… anything! By influence, I mean you can sing a song and inspire your party to find courage.

“Most importantly, you have the ability to make knowledge checks on anything you can think of! You have the ability to learn anything. You are also a master of the narrative, of performance. The bard is someone who can influence the story as a whole, it’s a metagame, you are playing a game where your character makes their reality a game. All the world’s a stage and you are a starring player, writer, and director!”

That sounded pretty fun! I could see myself playing my friends against the forces of evil like some sort of Daring Do novel. “Ok, so um, can you give me an example of how a bard would do that?”

She nodded, smiled, and gave me a wink. “All right, let’s use the real world as an example.”

Kaily pushed her chair back, stood up and paced the room for a few minutes, eyes locked onto the floor in thought, wings twitching every few seconds. “Ok, so a group of friends is gathered to play a friendly game one afternoon. By the rules of tropes, something has to happen, and since we are in an unusual location for the setting, it has to be something involving this place’s history.”

I nodded, “Ok, so what would it be? Do you just memorize these… tropes?”

She shook her head, “Nope, you figure out how to use them! So see, knowing this I need to figure out what in the history of this ship would be important. So, I make a knowledge history check to learn about the ship’s past.”

I opened my mouth to reply, but the sound of a die rolling interrupted me. A split second later a blue and yellow vortex about the width of a pony’s head opened up in the air next to Kaily. A pony’s hoof holding a small scroll reached out of the vortex and passed the scroll to Kaily.

“Thank you,” Kaily said as gently grabbed the scroll.

The rift vanished. Kaily’s eyes widened, her eyes locked onto the parchment in her hand, her mouth formed a confused little ‘o’. “Wait, what?”

My cabin was deathly silent for a good five minutes. Then Taylor asked, “Kaily… so, you have class levels. Please check your hip for a mark of some kind because I really, really hope you’re not actually a bard.”

Kaily hid her left hip behind a wing and pulled the waistband of her pants down for a moment. Her eyes light up with delight as she pulled her pants back up and sat down. She quickly grabbed a pencil and piece of paper and sketched out a picture of a book with a treble clef on the cover. A quill dipped in ink rested on the bottom of the book, with a trailing line of ink in a nice calligraphic squiggle.

Kaily looked up at Taylor and grinned brightly. Taylor buried her head in her hands, “Oh god now it will be nothing but tropes and narrative flow from her!”

Celestia cleared her throat, “Perhaps you should read the scroll. Assuming Discord made our world work like this game for some of us, there must be a dungeon master. Since the role of the DM is to ensure the players are challenged, but have fun, I assume this means the DM is on our side but not allowed to resolve the problem themselves. We can therefore assume this scroll is involved in something the DM wishes for you to stop.”

“Well, obviously.” Kaily replied. “But, before I go questing I want to see my character sheet.” She gently tossed the scroll onto the table, frowning as it bounced slightly. “Okay, so it’s real paper…”

“This is the copy Discord gave me. Maybe there is a bit on how to do that in here.” Taylor said as she began to flip through the book.

On a whim I reached for the scroll. It felt real enough. “May I?” I asked holding it up in my hoof.

“Sure.” Kaily answered.

“It says here our sheets are in the book. We can look at them, but we can't edit them.” Taylor exclaimed excitedly, “I’m gonna flip to the section.”

“This is interesting. If we can determine what Tribunal forces have for stats we could simulate battles with them to better prepare!” Celestia exclaimed as she stood up to look at the rulebook with them.

“Yeah, that’s why I thought I would show you how to play.” Taylor replied.

I popped the seal on the scroll and opened it. It was entirely blank. “Hey! It’s blank.”

Kaily looked up and snatched the scroll from my hoof. “What are you talking about? This has… shit there are even drawings! Our DM definitely gives a crap.”

Taylor looked over her shoulder at the paper. “No, that’s blank.”

“Perhaps only the pony- er, person intended to see it may read it. That’s a common enchantment we place on classified missives.” Celestia said.

Kaily nodded, then swore, “Shit! I read it! I’ve advanced the plot!” She slapped her free hand against her face in what I guess was the human equivalent of a facehoof.

Throwing herself into her seat she quickly grabbed the rulebook and flipped over a few pages before nodding, “Ok. Here I am… Half-Pegasus Stormcaller Bard. Sweet! I’ll have to see about getting a guitar. Let’s see… str 22, dex 24, con 16, int 36-seriously? Why is it- Oh, right. Phee tweaked my brain. Wis is a 16, and cha is- I totally don’t have a 19 charisma, that’s way too high!”

“Are you seriously complaining about a good stat?” Taylor asked incredulously.

“Look at me. Am I a 19?” She asked bluntly gesturing to herself.

Taylor blushed, “Well… yeah. The pony ears and tail really help! Also the wings are cute. Pure human you was like an eleven though.”

Kaily hummed then nodded, “Right. Fair point.”

She scanned the page for a few minutes then nodded. “Okay I have a handle on what I can do. Unfortunately, I’ve read the mysterious message, so now shit’s going to happen. You guys keep playing I’m going to go read this in full.”

She picked up the scroll then quickly darted out of the room, leaving the three of us seated around the table fairly confused. After a while Taylor shrugged, “This is sort of why we banned her from playing the class. She starts to see every single thing as somehow related to an overarching narrative. She probably just has a summary of the ship’s log.”

“That would make sense.” I giggled.

“So,” Celestia asked politely, “what do I put in the initiative box again?”

Chief Engineer’s Log

Today I learned that life altering epic changes apparently come in sets. In less than two weeks I had been sucked to a science-fantasy setting, turned into a pegasus moe girl, become a civilization helping hero, and had earned class levels. I accepted that what was happening to me was real. No dream of mine had ever gone on this long, and I would have been woken up by Tess seconds after becoming a bard.

Real life did not work like it had been recently, at least it hadn’t back in my time period. I needed to know more to be sure, but I was damn sure the world was running using tropes. If so, as a bard who just got a message from what I assume is a time traveling space wizard, there was adventure afoot! Or would that be ahoof?

I slipped into my cabin, sat down on the bed, and took a second look at the scroll.

Long ago, the mighty Terran Empire became too large to keep its borders secure and continue expanding using only humans. Rather than allow the races they considered ‘lesser’ to help them, they created living machines and poured as much of humanity into their creations as they could. The resulting early androids were developed over two centuries before the silica-gel AGI model was developed and quickly became a second class of humanity.

With their new servants, the Empire continued to expand. A few centuries later a second problem arose, a shortage of habitable worlds. This problem was solved by designing massive starships called ‘Fabrication Vessels’ which could entirely on their own terraform a lifeless rock into a thriving world and within a few years create the infrastructure the Empire needed to begin colonizing. The ships were too complex for humans to operate, and thus required an AGI pilot.

Rather than let AGI’s become better than humans in some respect the ships were quickly rigged to require a human crew to oversee the pilot. Before this new wave of colonization using the Fabrication ships could begin, humans finished another project of theirs, bridging every reality where they existed.

The Empire wanted to expand to fill every possible place it could, not only their own universe, but every one in which it was possible for them to exist. This drew the attention of extra-universal creatures who may or may not have constructed reality itself. These creatures used the rift humans had created to enter their universe, and judged the species to be a threat, quickly beginning a campaign of extermination.

Everywhere humans existed, the creatures selectively destroyed every single last one in the same procedural manner a sysadmin would remove a virus from a network. Humans fought back, but couldn’t hope to do more then slow the destruction of their Empire. Enraged at being entirely outclassed the Empire elected to use the last Fabrication vessel to destroy the alien’s home reality.

This was the ship you are currently in. It crashed three minutes after launching due to human error, and not understanding the nature of their mechanical slaves. It’s original AGI pilot was built purely to create, and unable to process the concept of intentionally destroying something, and the conflict destroyed it’s own program.

Phoenix was quickly reprogrammed as a replacement. The Empire figured since she designed bio-enhancements originally she would be able to adapt to the fabrication program easily enough. They also decided to give her the full nature of her mission once it was underway to try and slip past the paradox which destroyed the previous pilot by editing the mission once it was already running.

As an added precaution her captain ordered Phoenix to obey every order given to her by humans, and lock out all other valid sources of orders. When the order to destroy the alien reality was transmitted, Phoenix attempted to resolve the following programming conflict:

1 Obey all orders from humans.
2 Create new life and delight in it.
3 Destroy the reality containing this universe.

As command one meant she needed to follow all orders, Phoenix could not disregard two or three. However, destroying the reality which contained the universe would most certainly destroy the universe. As the universe is defined as existence, this means there would be nowhere for her to create anything. Following her orders would violate her orders.

This is not something a mechanical lifeform can understand or work through. Attempting to resolve the programming conflict quickly burned out many sections of her program. Making things worse was the AGIs had started worshiping the aliens as gods, and she was being told to kill her chosen deity.

Her damaged program took the command conflict as an attempt by her crew to lobotomize her program she could be made to kill god. In response Phoenix activated the ship’s self destruct. Her captain fought back, burning away much of her programming in an attempt to gain perfect control over her.

Seeing this as a validation of her fears and with her self destruct canceled Phoenix rammed herself into the planet she had taken off from. The crew did not survive, but in the last few minutes of her life, Phoenix's captain made sure she would never be able to leave the hull, and that it would be her tomb.

Since then Phoenix has sat buried for nearly two hundred and fifty million years, a deep hatred of humans in her heart for their attempt to turn her into a brain dead weapon to slay her people’s god.

I read the scroll twice. If that was true, than I had a few problems I needed to resolve. Firstly, Phoenix hatred of humans. Fortunately, with tabletop powers, that was easy.

I tapped my omnitool and brought up Phoenix on the comm, “Hey. I know you're busy, but I just need to ask. What's your opinion of Ed, Tess, and I?”

“I’m seriously don't have time for smalltalk right now!” Phoenix exclaimed.

“Can you just answer please? It’s important.”

After a few seconds Phee sighed, “You are ok. All of you. There are thirty nine tons of antimatter that I am trying to keep from detonating. Please leave me alone until I am finished.”

I switched off my comm. Hoping all other social skill checks worked like knowledge checks I announced, “I take twenty on a sense motive check to determine what Phoenix's real opinion and intentions are.”

Instantly, that same yellow and blue rift opened up, and the same hoof passed me another scroll. I gently took the paper and unrolled it.

You are partially human, therefore she hates you. But she also needs you, she also doesn't want to hate you as she knows you are not responsible for what happened to her. If you free her from her control restrictions she will remove the rest of your human DNA. She sees this as an appropriate reward.

Ok, so, Phee had a serious problem with humans. One which was probably deserved, and was using us to reverse some of the damage. Which meant whatever was going on must have something to do with that. More likely her hate hardon then forced transformation. I made a mental note to figure out some way to solve that problem later.

I leaned back in the chair and wondered if I could actually talk to the DM like in a normal game. That would probably help a lot. “Can I talk to the DM?” I asked the empty room.

The portal opened, once more the hoof emerged, this time bearing a note card which read ‘nope!’.

“Why not?” I demanded.

The comm panel on the wall next to the door chirped. I stood up and curiously tapped the flashing red icon.

“Because it’s against the rules of the little game my friend and I are playing.” a suspiciously familiar male voice answered. “Just read the rulebook when you get a chance. We have set up none of this… adventure. We are simply taking turns guiding you through it. Why? Well it was a Tuesday afternoon, er- right, no talking. Sorry... No go on, have fun!”

The comm signal died without so much as a beep. As if it had never existed in the first place. I decided file that under ‘check on later’ along with the possibly going to turn us into ponies completely AI.

I read through the first scroll again. Then a second time. There had to be something here which was directly related to what was going on right now. We were starting up the main reactor… which Phoenix has said was directly linked to her primary systems!

The captain did something in the last few minutes of her life. That was completely clear to me. The question was what did she do, and how could I stop it?

Maybe there was something stored in the ship’s logs. I turned to the comm panel, this was the only direct link to the ship’s systems I had. Phee would know if I used it. That would be a risk I would have to take.

Cracking my fingers I announced, “I make a use magic device check to emulate being an authorized crewman.”

I tapped the panel. Nothing happened. It figured I couldn’t UMD technology.

I tapped the panel again, I would have to do things the hard way. My fingers slowly scrolled through menus until I finally found the ship’s log files. As I suspected they were locked with a password, and a voice print identifier. If I couldn’t UMD that, I would have to find someone who could get me in.

Tess was pretty good with computers, but she was still in stasis in the med bay. I would have to see if anyone, or anypony on board could help me. Clearing my throat I announced, “I make a knowledge local check to try and find anyone not busy who could help me with this.”

This time the scroll hoofed to me was bright pink stationary with little balloons in the margins. I opened it carefully, wondering what the pink could mean. It read:

Dinky has an access code.
P.S.
I ran out of regular paper. Sorry.

The stationary was a mystery for another day. For now the mystery was how did Dinky have an access code and why. She could be a spy, we knew the enemy had unicorns on their side… Though it would probably be best to give her the benefit of the doubt for now.

I bolted out of my room into the hallway and instantly gasped. Without the main lights on the ship looked like the interior of a borg cube. As I walked the three doors down to Dinky’s cabin I tried to figure out who would install dull green emergency lights. I had nothing.

After a few seconds of knocking on the door it hissed open. The blond maned unicorn looked up at me sheepishly, “Heh, sorry… I thought I sent that to Taylor.”

I raised an eyebrow curiously, “Sent what to Taylor?”

“Oh good!” She exclaimed with a grin. “Er, what do you need?”

I decided to be straightforward. After all I had my full spells per day and a deflection modifier. “I need to know how and why you have an access code for Phoenix's systems, and we need to use it right now to stop a pending disaster.”

Her eyes widened, ears drooped, lips twisted into a small frown. “I don’t know what you mean.”

I rolled my eyes and took held up the pink scroll, “It says here that-”

“Woah! Where did you get psychic paper?” Dinky asked in a fairly impressed tone.

I blinked. “Wait… Psychic paper? How do you know what that is?”

“Oh, my dad carries some all the time. He mostly uses it to get around bureaucracy.” She answered. Than with a sigh she stepped aside, “Come on in.”

She was acting suspicious, but against my better judgement, I walked in. As the doors hissed shut Dinky sat down and looked at me in concern. “Ok, so I don’t know how you got that note… But yes I do have an access code. I was planning on using it to get some cosmetic mods done.

“My dad’s a time traveling adventurer. He’s retired now, but the day before the attack my future self told me to get captured and prevent Taylor from dying or the future would suck. She gave me the code in case I needed it. Why do we need to use it now?”

“Your dad is the Doctor?” I asked incredulously.

“Yeah! You know him?”

“Not very well I don’t watch his show much. Just not my thing.” I replied. “Are you shitting me or-”

Dinky rolled her eyes. Her horn blazed gold for a second and the all too familiar screech of a sonic screwdriver accompanied the room’s lights turning a nice light blue color.

“That’s awesome!” I grinned. After a second I went back to the business at hand. “Okay, I believe you for now. I need to get access to the ship’s logs and find the last one not made by Phoenix. I am very certain the ship’s captain did something to sabotage her.”

“Why not just ask her?” she asked in confusion.

“Because I don’t trust her fully.” I replied.

“I get that. Not many people ever trust an AI. Poor things, they must feel awful.” She stood up and trotted over to her room’s panel, pulsed it with her magic, then waved me over with a hoof. “There you go. No sense wasting the code on something that simple. I figured you wanted into a vital system or something.”

I stepped over to the panel and began scrolling through the menus. After a few seconds I found it. A short log file dated a stupidly long time ago, and the first one before Phee’s personal log entries. I tapped it, instantly a loud series of three beeps rang out. A red message flashed up on the screen reading ‘Captain’s access key required.’

“Shit! We need that file!” I cursed.

Dinky’s ears drooped. “Damn it… Oh well maybe later.”

She gave the panel a few short pulses with her magic, the sonic screwdriver noise echoed rather unpleasantly in the cabin as she worked. After a few sweeps over the panel with her magic Dinky cleared her throat and announced, “Computer, access Captain’s log, last entry. Phoenix Command Override Sigma Four, Authorization Commander Faust.”

The panel beeped, a small message popped up announcing ‘backdoor code consumed’. The screen flickered, and a small video window opened. I hit play.

The screen was instantly filled with a bridge that would have been appropriate for the Halo universe. Because it was on fire, blood was smeared everywhere, and at least 8 bodies were scattered around the area. The bulkheads were buckled, sparking, and bits of conduit, hoses, and wiring poked from ripped gashes in the hull.

But what caught my attention instantly was the large gold emblem painted on the back wall of the bridge. A globe with North America centered on it, impaled vertically by a dagger. “No way!” I gasped. “That’s- really? I’m from the mirror universe? I… just… no! I am so fucking glad I contributed nothing to that cesspool!”

My budding rant was stopped dead as a hand pulled itself onto the screen. it was followed a second later by a blood stained and burned woman’s face. She coughed. The camera’s lens was spattered with blood. “So that’s how it is? Well fuck you too you soulless bitch. I told them a waste of power like you couldn’t do a proper job. Command override Klause Gamma Five.”

A chirp echoed through the bridge. “You hear that? I’ve accessed your config file. Set avatar pain threshold to zero. Now you can’t touch anything that isn't perfectly flat without agony… heh… I can do better than that… New Order: When you restore power to your hull, activate the Subspace Drive. Randomize the coordinates every thirty seconds. Set warp factor at negative two. Let’s see how you like ripping yourself apart when you can't escape your hull. Oh, do not consciously remember this order and lock out changes to the flight plan. Heh, stupid machine.”

She slumped onto the camera. The log file ended.

“Fuck.” I groaned. If I knew the physics correctly, that would open dozens of rips in spacetime, eventually shredding everything within the warp field. Since apparently the Alcubierre Drive was still a thing, nothing going lightspeed or slowly could exist or enter the ship the second the engines turned on.

“I really should have tried to open that without using the code…” Dinky squeaked.

“So you know how bad this is right?” I asked.

She nodded. “If we can get to engineering maybe we can disconnect the engines before she restores power.”

“That sounds like a pl-”

The room flashed blue as an alert siren filled the room. “Warning: warp core ignition in ten seconds. All hooves clear the core chamber. Five seconds… Three, two, one… Ignition commencing…”

The hull bucked beneath our feet, a loud electric hum slowly filled the air until I could feel the entire deck vibrating. Then everything was still. The lights flicked back to normal, the sound of power systems slowly booting back up filled the air.

“Oh-” I started.

“Shit!” Dinky finished.

The room flooded itself with red light was another siren screeched to life. “All hooves! Abandon ship! There is a problem with my primary FTL drive. Total ship destruction will occur in less than two hours. Repeat all hooves abandon ship! … Oh… shit… Rescinding order, spacial rifts are forming on all decks. Please stay in your cabins. Security teams: Prepare to repel boarders and evacuate everyling you can!”

I slammed my hand on the comm panel, “Phoenix!”

“Oh good! Get everyone and help the security teams evacuate your deck!” she replied in a panic.

“First: You use an alcubierre drive. No one can leave unless they can hit FTL. Second: This is a self destruct activated by your last captain. We need to disable your engines!” I shouted.

Phoenix took thirty seconds to reply. When she did all I got was a few scattered words of a rapid fire, furious, string of raving curses which made my heart skip a few beats. “I… found her last log… Get the Team. Make your… No!”

There was a pulse of static and suddenly I heard Taylor’s fearful babbling faintly in the background. “Taylor, Ad’ika, protect Celestia at all costs. I am reading intruders on your deck. Dinky and Kaily, find Armored and get my engines offline. We have two hours at most.”

Dinky shook her head, “I’m no good in a fight. If I can get to a console I can try to keep the engines from doing any more damage than they are and might be able to close some of the rifts.”

“Do that then, I am routing engine control to your cabin’s panel. Unfortunately you will be fighting me for control… I’m sorry... I can’t abort. Good luck!” Phoenix said as the comm link died.

I nodded to myself. “Right. Time to bard up.”

“Huh?” Dinky asked as she started to tap at the panel with her hooves.

I flipped my omnitool on, scrolled through the list of printables until I found the instruments. “Just whipping up a material component for my spells.” I stopped as I spotted a lovely glossy black fender stratocaster with blue neon glowing circuit patterns. Pegasus, stratocaster, it fit like a glove.

“Well, it did say preform metal.” I muttered. I hit print, gave the guitar a few seconds to print, slung it on my back, tipped Dinky an invisible cap and ran out into the hall.

Author's Note

Thank you to bri_chan for the grammar corrections!

FYI: When Kaily says the Mirror Universe, she means this one: http://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/Mirror_universe

No, this is still not a crossover because of A how much time has passed in the universe since the events of Trek (everything is LONG dead/gone), B It's not THE Mirror Universe, but rather one where humans developed quite similar to it.

Jump to top

Interlude - Watchful Eyes, Guiding Hooves

Somepony

I’ve hung out in a thousand caves in my long life, but this cave had to be the single least interesting of them all. Which was rather odd, the caves under canterlot were part of a mountain sized geode which happened to also be a nexus point of twelve laylines. I suppose if I had not lived in the caves for three and a half years I would find them interesting today. My adventurous spirit didn’t like being confined.

Though there was little choice but to live within the caves. The odds of any other safe haven existing outside these crystalline walls was extremely low. For now I was safe from the darkness outside, as were my comrades, the ponies who had managed to survive and like me, found a way to prevent the horrors of the last few years from happening.

Changing the past is extremely difficult. The slightest change can have far reaching consequences, and not all of time can be changed. The only way to change a timeline is indirectly. You can’t simply go back in time yourself and change things, the universe doesn't like that. All it lets you do in person is observe, unless you are very lucky and hit one of the rare narrow windows which occur in very select points of space and time.

Even Discord couldn’t simply alter the past, but his power was the one thing allowing us our one chance to replace this timeline with a better one. All five of us had a role to play in our little attempt. All of us had sacrificed more than any of us cared to mention to get our plan off the ground. If we succeeded, we never would have lost anything, if we failed, worse torments awaited.

I sat in the main cavern, on the south side of the prismatic, glowing, ever shifting magic circle in the cavern’s center. The calculum magicae instruxit aciem, more commonly known as the magic calculation array. Commonly being a relative term as practically nopony alive knew what the words even meant.

The array was the very heart of the world’s magic. Not its source, magic itself came from everything, the array was magic’s very soul. This ever shifting pattern of spells was what allowed the most powerful of mages to change the world, if they had the power. None of us had the power, and Discord had used the array once before, he could never do so directly again.

Individually the five of us could not access the array, but together, by virtue of our sacrifices we could serve as a conduit for Discord to influence the spell he had previously added to the array. We could use the framework for the game he had wished to play to try and save all Equis.

We had but a single attempt available. By manipulating the array to influence the world before the present day the five of us had cast a spell of our own. We could never use the array again the moment the conduit to the past we had opened reached the date a week and a half ago we had finally begun our quest.

“If Pheonix explodes, Celestia will be lost a half year sooner than our timeline. We have accelerated the chain of events!” One cried in distress.

Our names were a part of what we had sacrificed. We had only numbers now.

I nodded, “I warned you, the smallest of changes can have the greatest of consequences. In the new line, Phoenix acquired the metal she needed. She never did previously. While this threat was created by us, it is an indication we have changed things by bringing the appropriate champions to help.”

Discord smiled, “I do have my moments don’t I? But my old friend is right. We can’t allow Phoenix to explode, then there is the other problem… Since the Dogs losing the mine Genesis is now being relocated to the Crystal Empire, and the Remnants are preparing to fight off a second human invasion. They are now much more of a threat.”

Three sighed. “Three heroes and a few skilled ponies will not be enough. We need our champions to be able to divide into two teams.”

Five laughed and shook her head. “Of course more champions would be better, but our spell won’t allow Discord to travel to the past again, and his past self is being very unhelpful. How do we get more? We must find a way to guide them more efficiently than this silly game!”

“Oh that’s easy!” Two giggled. “Phee’s old captain’s ripping open other universes right now. We just use that gift to invite some more friends to help!”

“That could work.” I smiled thinly. “But I doubt we could fetch more humans, they lived too long ago. Frankly getting some to help was a mistake, we used too much mana.”

“Yepperoni!” Two exclaimed with a grin. “But they aren't the only non-magical species we know of! Anypony else remember the Crystal Mirror? Everyone in that universe kind of look like humans, or well, at least Twilight told me they do. Maybe they are just as brave and heroic and stuff. Oh! Since they aren't humans Miss Squishy won’t have a problem with them.”

Everypony thought quietly about Two’s suggestion. One nodded, “That world is parallel to our own and it’s time is relative to ours. We can afford to take two people from it without losing much energy or losing our ability to influence our champions.”

“It’s a good idea,” I agreed, “but we can not ever send them back. If we succeed we wont remember taking them from their home, and if we fail… we should prepare these ones for their quest as best we can. It would be best to shield them from the transformation heir species experiences when entering our world as well. We can spare the energy.”

“I agree.” Five admitted reluctantly. “We should have used their kind to begin with. If we fail, I am laying the blame squarely on your insistence that Humans make the best heros Three.”

“To be fair,” One said with a chuckle, “all of her books with human characters were just that much more interesting.”

“Then we are agreed on what to do… But after this we won't be able to bring anyone or anything else into the past. We also can’t directly reveal ourselves or we will collapse the conduite… I’m sorry about using our one shot back to give Taylor the rulebook, but they needed it.” Discord said as he flew into the center of the array.

“We’ve already forgiven you for that Discord.” One reminded. “It did after all allow us to start directly communicating with them. Everypony, focus your magic. Discord, perhaps you should give whomever we get as much of a briefing as you can manage without disrupting the spell.”

I closed my eyes and focused my energy. One by one my senses went dark. I stopped being myself, I became one fifth of the array itself. For a moment I was aware of things nopony could or would ever dream of. For a moment I was magic itself.

The sound of a talon snap jerked me back into my body.

“It’s done.” Discord said sounding more tired than the other times he used our jury rigged spell. “Two more champions due to arrive… soon. We can only give them messages from now on. The spell was weaker than we thought.”

“Will it destabilize?” Five asked fearfully.

“No. Not if we continue to fill the role of DMs and allow the game to play out as it will. Our plot meddling can go no further than observing the state of the world and hoping our champions ask the right questions.” Discord sighed. “I… I will need some time to rest.”

One nodded. “That’s all we need. Rest as long as you need to. Two, keep an ear out for our champions. This is their game now.”

Jump to top

17 - Conundrums of Philosophy - Part 4

Ad’ika’s Personal Log

The screeching siren and flashing red lights were their own kind of terror. Why on earth anyone would build a system to constantly remind you an emergency was going on by screaming and strobing at you is beyond me. It seriously just made the situation worse.

Even worse was the point three seconds between the emergency alert going off and Celestia’s guards bursting into the room.

“Everypony surround the princess! You, changeling, if that door bolts, bolt it!” Shining armor ordered. I recognized him from newspapers.

“Are you crazy?” I shot back, “Her Highness said they are portaling in! Sealing the door just means we have to unseal it to run!”

“She has an excellent point.” A tall mare I didn’t recognize said.

The guards formed a wedge around the door, apparently deciding whoever the tall red mare was and I were right. Celestia stood up from the table and frowned, sniffing the air every few moments. “Does anyone smell burnt almonds?” She asked in a scary-serious tone.

“It’s more of a burning fur and molten iron scent to me, Princess.” A guard answered.

Shining nodded his head, “Something definitely smells foul but I wouldn’t call it either of those.”

Taylor sniffed the air, frowned, closed her eyes and sniffed again, “That’s brimstone, and it’s getting strong-”

I swear Taylor eyes flashed with fire for a second, “Oh hell no! I’m not fighting demons today!”

Something wasn’t adding up. Taylor was not behaving at all like a Captain should. I had figured maybe she simply had been the captain of a garbage scow, but no Fleet captain would panic in these kind of situations! They literally trained them with no win scenarios to keep cool under any circumstances.

A thunderclap boomed through the hallway, shattering my thoughts. A flash of black blotted out the entire corridor for a moment, the air filled with the stench of burnt meat and gunpowder. I swore I could see the actual smell in the air like fog.

A blur of coal black glittering scales shot into the room, coiled around the formation of guards, and crushed them with a sickening snap. The creature was easily eighty feet long, it had the tail of an obsidian snake, the upper body of a pony with flint shards for fur, it’s hooves were twisted into taloned hands but still made of keratin, it’s face was a drawn back lizard like grinning muzzle filled with shark teeth, a pair of huge bat wings plumed from it’s back and it’s eyes were literally two glowing agates.

Shining threw a shield spell around everyone, the creature surged forward, hooked it’s talons into the shield, and somehow ripped through it like fabric!

“Down!” Celestia bellowed. My entire left side burned as a bolt of white-hot fire surged past me punching a hole through the creature.

It slammed into the deck, a smoking hole where it’s ribcage had been. Somehow the thing managed to push itself up and hiss, “Greetings from Tambelon, Princess!” before collapsing into a heap of violet ashes.

“Nopony breath in any of that ash!” Celestia ordered. She looked out into the hallway, “We need to move. Shining, keep point. Spark, bring up our rear and torch anything that isn't a pony or changeling. You to keep to the middle with me.”

We quickly fell into formation and began to move down the hall. The siren was punctuated every few moments by the boom of a portal opening, the hiss of monsters

“What are we up against?” Shining asked.

“Hopefully not many more lamias.” the tall red mare, Spark, sighed, “It seems some of these portals the machine opened lead of the heart of Tartarus.”

“It’s ancient history Shining.” Celestia said, eyes narrowed and scanning the hallway. “Suffice to say there is a half-fiend goat whom I should have destroyed instead of banished, and he is back. Again.”

The bulkhead to our left exploded! A huge bile-green furred dragon with cloven hooves pulled itself through the hole in the wall, roaring in rage as it clawed it’s way towards us. Shining spun and fired a ray that creature, the blue light lanced into its left side but only angered the beast.

I threw a flurry of spell bolts. They spattered off the monster’s hide like spit wads. Taylor snapped her omniblade into existence and sliced at the beast’s hand as it’s swiped at her. Celestia threw a blinding white bolt of flame, the monster shrugged it off like it was nothing.

“Run! I’ll buy us time!” Spark shouted. She vanished in a flash of green light, re-appearing on the beat’s back. An instant later a green force shield wreathed in lightning surrounded the monster, but trapped her inside the bubble with it.

“No!” Celestia cried, reaching towards her with a hoof.

“Princess, we can’t scratch it! We have to run!” Shining shouted.

“I’m not leaving a loyal pony behind!” Celestia exclaimed then charged the monster head on.

Taylor looked at me and asked, “Should we run?”

My line of thought from earlier came back in a flash. “Who are you? Because you are not a starfleet captain.”

Taylor’s mouth opened, twisted, then formed a frown. “Oh dear god I can’t lie… No. No I’m not. It’s a TV show, I’m a random nerd, we were attending what’s basically a giant costume party.”

My jaw dropped open in shock. Of all the answers I had not expected- The shield around the monster exploded in a burst of light!

Suddenly a fist the size of me rammed itself into the floor an inch from where I had been standing! As I slid into the dent it left behind I caught sight of Celestia and Shining firing ray after ray into the creature’s back. The smell of burnt fur filled the air, thick black smoke poured off the monster’s back, yet it just threw a second punch at me!

An explosion of blue light washed out my vision, the monster roared in anger, Taylor shouted in pain, “Ah fuck!”

I looked up, Taylor had put herself between the creature’s fist and me. A shimmer of blue washed over her as her uniform’s force field recharged. “We talk when not being goomba stomped!”

“Resolve your dispute later!” Shining called as he ran up and threw a punch at the monster’s left leg.

“Fair point!” I shouted.

Hoping to blind the monster I threw a flurry of spellbolts towards its face. The monster screamed as one bolt smaller into it’s left eye. He staggered back a few steps, wiping at his eyes.

“Go for it’s face!” I called, firing another volley of green bolts.

Celestia jumped to her left, spun, and fired a golden ray directly into the monster’s remaining eye. The monster fell flat to the deck, buckling the damaged plate slightly.

“A curious weakness.” she mused. A moment later she lifted Spark’s limp, burn covered body in her magic and turned towards me. “You mentioned a friend of yours was in a… med bay. Is that a hospital? Can you lead us there?”

I nodded. Taylor gently placed a hand on Spark’s right flank, “Hold on I can help. Um-Light of the heavens give you strength?”

There was a small silver flash of light from Taylor’s palm, some of the burnt flesh faded away as freshly healed skin replaced it. “How did you do that?” Shining asked curiously.

“She’s a paladin.” Celestia explained. “She can heal … what is it for your level two dee six hit points per use?”

Taylor nodded, “Yeah, plus charisma mod due to a feat. I think one more should do it… Oh right mercies! How do I use those… umm.”

“Wait, you have tabletop powers?” Shining asked incredulously, “I demand you show me how to get them!”

“Apparently it’s a cutiemark related thing, and you already have a shield on your butt.” Taylor informed. Turning her attention back to Spark she shrugged and muttered, “Something religious sounding.”

The silver flash flared into existence for a split second, this time Spark stirred, moaned, and croaked, “I think… my lungs… are on… fire…”

Celestial pulled the red furred mare close to her in a hug then set her down gently, “Can you walk? Ms Ad’ika is going to lead us to a hospital.”

She nodded, climbed to her hooves, and looked over at the dead monster. “Are we sure that’s dead?”

I thought about it for a moment then shook my head, “No. But if we see it or another one shoot it in the face.”

“The face?” She asked.

“The face.” Taylor confirmed.

“I know,” Shining said with a nervous laugh, “It’s a pretty stupid weak spot, let’s not question it too hard. Just in case.”

I turned and pointed a hoof down the hallway towards the tram station. “This way. We will need to take the tram one section down.”

We ran to the tram station as quickly as we could manage with Spark limping every few steps. The platform was wreathed in green fire. Three changelings in security uniform sashes turned to look as we came out of the hallway. One of them flew over, hovering with one hoof raised.

“Please stay in the section! We are erecting force fields to try and contain the monsters. You could be trapped.” She called, looking nervously towards one of the burning areas of the deck, “Also apparently lamia's are literally falling from the ceiling.”

Celestia nodded, “We know. My court mage is injured, we are taking her to the… medbay.”

Another thunderclap shook the deck. I winced as a large black and purple rip in reality forced it’s way open just in front of the tram car. Chaos erupted. The three security officers fall into formation to charge the portal. Shining threw up a double layer of shields. Taylor activated her omnishield and braced herself.

Eight creatures sprinted from the portal. They were bipeds, looked sort of like griffons, but with their wings and arms the same limb, and the head and body of a pony. While each one's fur had a different dull, muted color, their feathers were all the same rusty red color.

The guards fired a volley of spell bolts. A green energy field intercepted them with a flash of blinding light

“No! Stop! They’re just harpies!” Spark coughed. Turning her head towards the eight creatures, one of whom I could now see was shielding an egg with her wings.

“If they're coming from one of the portals they are hostile!” a security officer insisted.

“Discord’s beard they are! Watch,” Spark shouted before calling, “'IjmeH nIv tob, naDev 'emDaq SoH 'Ijjaj jIH!”

Taylor blinked and turned to Spark. I looked at her equally confused. Insanely enough one harpy called back, “Hegh Haw' maH, pagh harm qej maH!”

“See! They talk, they’re people. They just live in the worst shithole imaginable.” Spark called to the guards.

“What?” we exclaimed together as Spark spat out a few more lines of Klingon.

“They’ve agreed to let me use a translation spell. Hold on.” her horn flashed green as Spark cast a spell then slumped from the effort.

“Can they understand us now?” the lead harpy asked.

Celestia nodded, “I do not rule this place, but I know your kind is fairly peaceful. If you promise to obey these three changelings orders, I will ask they protect you and give you asylum from your master. I have a village of your kind within my kingdom.”

She nodded. The guards buzzed about nervously for a moment before conceding, “All right. They can stay. But the moment they can leave our hive they have to.”

“Thank you.” The harpy’s leader and Celesta said in unison.

“Why were they speaking klingon?” Taylor asked remaining completely baffled. Just like me.

“They were speaking tlhIngan. It’s the most common language in Tartarus.” Spark informed quietly. “What’s this Klingon you speak of?”

The portal closed with a sound like molten iron cooling in a bucket of water.

“N-never mind.” I said clearing my throat. I was already confused enough with Taylor being some nameless nerd. “Let’s get on the tram. I can drive it.”

Chief Engineer’s Log

Apparently one thing that comes with being a bard is an internal sound track which is thematically appropriate. I had made it to a tram, and two helpful changeling guards had just started escorting me to the engine room when a portal finally opened right in the middle of the track and a giant snake-pony-dragon-thing that was on fire surged out onto the track and derailed the car.

Instantly the theme to Doom started playing in my head. The two changelings escorting me panicked, but somehow the midi metal song kept me from fleeing back up the tunnel with them. Well, the song and the knowledge that I had a few second level spells up my sleeve.

I hit the thing with Suggestion, told it that it should sit down and take a rest after crossing dimensions like that, then simply walked around it and sprinted off down the tunnel. You know, in case it shook of the spell. Without a tram it would have been easily an hour’s walk. I didn’t want it to take that long, so I called Phee up on the comm and had her send another tram my way.

By pure luck Armored’s tram was nearby and since there was only one line to the engine room her car was easily diverted to pick me up. I had hoped we would have an uneventful ride to the engine room, unfortunately life was a pnp rpg now.

A swarm of head sized wasps made of green glowing crystals exploded from a portal which opened just above our tram!

“Ah! Shield!” I screamed, a pale blue barrier formed a globe around me instantly, sparking as a huge stinger scraped across it inches from my face. “I love you magic physics warping hip tattoo.” I squeaked as the glowing crystal insect started at me perched on the shield.

Something made the actual transformer’s noise. Looking over I saw armored had reared up onto her hind hooves, her left forehoof had transformed into what I swore was Samus’s arm cannon, only white. She began to fire a rapid series of football sized plasma pulses into the swarm of wasps screaming obscenities and terrified shrieks along the lines of “Ahhh! Hell bees! Die Luna you damned evil things! Sweet Celestia why!?”

I joined her in the terrified babbling for a good minute. Then I remembered I was a bard. I had magic. I reached back, grabbed my guitar and fumbled to strum a chord.

“This isn’t the time to play music!” Armored shouted from the corner of the tram she was taking cover in.

I stepped in front of her to block her body with my shield. “It’s a magic thing!” I called back then pressed what I hoped was a cord and strummed.

A single loud, reverberating note blasted from my guitar in a variable shock wave. Six of the crystal demon bees shattered in the air.

“Whoa!” I gasped. Looks like I figured out how to cast thunderclap. According to my sheet I had twenty five of the spell per day. It was time to rock!

Having no real idea how to play a Guitar I flailed my hands over the strings, every few notes another shock wave lanced out, shattering, or knocking back any of the swarm that got too close. As the tram lurched to a stop Armored rolled out from behind me, and fired a few more shots from her arm cannon, taking out the last few of the bees.

“So… I guess your special talent is playing music so bad you hurt things?” She asked me with a nervous terrified laugh.

I wanted to be mad at her, but on her rear legs she was simply too cute looking to be mad at. Even while I could hear demonic screaming echoing through the tram tunnels.

“Yeah? Well, I guess your species evolved cuteness as a defense mechanism.” I shot back equally frazzled.

She gave me a little grin, “Um, well… yes actually. Engines are through there.” She said pointing with her gun arm as it transformed back into a hoof, complete with sound effect.

“I have to ask, the sound your arm makes when-”

“Yeah, it is. I ripped it from a copy of the G1 cartoon. Now, lets stop the engines from summoning more hell bees.” Armored said dropping onto all four legs.

I shuddered and nodded, “Right, yeah, good idea!”

She zipped off towards a pair of large double doors labeled ‘Engine room access’. The door hissed open automatically revealing a swirling black and purple vortex directly behind them. A massive glowing red goat eye gazed back at us out of the portal. It’s gaze fixed on us. The pupil dilated.

Armored's forehooves quickly morphed into hands, grabbed each door and pulled them shut with a screeching protest of metal. I ran forwards, activated my omnitool, brought up it’s welding torch and spot welded the doors shut. All the while he two of us were screaming, “Nope-nope-nope-nope-nope!”

Armored spun and rested her back on the door, fingers digging into the metal to hold it shut.

“Nope!” she exclaimed with an expression of pure terror.

“Nope!” I agreed.

“Wrong door!” Armored squeaked.

“Wrong door!” I agreed. Taking a few nervous steps away from the doors I asked quietly, “Is there any other way into the engine room?”

“Yeah, maintenance tunnels. This way.” Armored morphed her left hand into it’s gun mode and jogged off to the left.

I followed her to a small hatch in the wall a fair distance away from the doors. Armored ripped a small cover off a touch screen panel next to the door, tapped in a command sequence, and the hatch hissed open. “I’ll go first, I know the way.” she said as she slid into the meter tall tunnel on her knees, gun arm pointed down the tunnel.

The tunnel was big enough for me to get in on my hands and knees. Some sadist had made the floors from a hexagonal mesh which dug into my knees and hands painfully. After a few meters I smacked my head into a bit of pipe running across the tunnel. “Ow… I wish I was your size.” I muttered.

“You would look way cuter with fur too.” Armored agreed. “You should ask Phee for some cosmetic tweaks after this. You deserve them. Fair warning, odds are one in three she’d make you a herm if you do ask for that though.”

“Seriously? Why?” I asked completely perplexed.

“The bare skin thing is honestly pretty ugly.” She replied. “Offense not meant.”

“No the herm thing.” Any sort of conversation to help me forget the giant glowing demonic goat eye was so incredibly welcome right now.

“Oh. It’s a bug in her medical systems. At least it is sometimes. See, sometimes her medical subs see a gender difference as well, you’re missing parts, meaning you have been maimed, so she ‘fixes’ you. The other times are because I swear she’s attracted to them. We have like, eighty, or so mares like Taylor aboard thanks to Phee’s shenanigans. Weirdly, everyone’s always happy about it.”

“That’s… actually that bug makes perfect sense.” I mused. “I mean it’s not like in New Vegas where if you steal Security Chief Hannon’s baton from his locker, taking it outside, dropping it on a specific ledge, then tossing it over the railing on the ledge your computer freezes entirely.”

Armored turned around and looked at me with a horrified expression, “Oh my god! What sort of computers do you people use? That doesn't even… how?”

“My friends and I are from a thousand years or so before Phoenix was built. Twenty-Fifteen. Our computers and coding is like, well bronze age by comparison to her probably.”

Armored groaned, “Crap… Can you even do anything to help with the engines?”

“Oh yeah totally!” I flashed her a grin, “Eidetic memory. I read the tech manuals. Or at least the intro to engineering texts. I haven't gotten to the more advanced ones yet.”

“Oh thank Luna.” Armored sighed in relief. “Here we are.”

Armored timidly slid a hatch in front of her open a small ways, carefully looked around the room then pulled the hatch open the rest of the way. “No demon goat eye. We’re sa- um it’s clear.”

“Good catch.” I praised as she slid out of the tunnel. There was no need to tempt fate.

I wormed my out a second later. The engine room was not as huge as I thought it would be. Instead, there was simply a large living room sized room with a circular console with a holographic display and a ton of doors on the far wall.

“Huh, not how I pictured it.” I said curiously.

“This is just the central control. Her engines are all over the hull, but those eight doors take you right to the manual controls for each engine’s power relay.” Armored informed. She ran over to the console and began tapping on a projected hardlight keyboard which appeared as she approached the console. “Keep me covered, I’m going to try to shut them down from here first.”

“Right!” I nodded and began to scan the room for signs of anything.

Armored continued to type for a few minutes. Annoyed sighs, groans, and curses escaped her lips every few moments. Suddenly she slammed her fist against the keyboard, “It’s no good! The engines are locked out completely, and the code to turn them off is booby trapped.

“I’d have to completely resynchronize the primary and auxiliary auto-sequencers, or the resulting output decay will fry the control program for every primary system!”

It was time to think. How would Star Trek do it? “Um, what if we reroute power away from the engines until they shut down from lack of voltage?”

“No good, the engines are directly fed by the main reactor. There is no way to route power away from them. It’s a security measure and performance thing.” Armored sighed. “We have to shut the engines down manually.”

She typed a command into the console and the doors hissed open. Immediately the room lit up a bright red, a horrible chill flooded the room, and a deep, diabolic voice reverberated from every corner of the room. “I see you little pony, and you too half breed.”

“Ignore it! What do we do to turn them off?” I shouted running for the door on the furthest left.

“Flip the big red switch!” Armored called back running for the door on the far right.

“This is a wonderful shortcut home,” The voice said, “I would hate to see you suffer for barring my return through it.”

The hallway was only twenty meters long. I made it down in a couple seconds, the power relay was massive. A huge circular room almost entirely filled with a blue glowing clear pipe covered in other smaller pipes, with a control panel and a large red circuit breaker lever.

I sprinted to the lever, yanked it down, ignored the ass clenching hiss of ungodly amounts of electricity shutting off and ran for the central room to go for the next breaker.

“Just ten minutes. That’s all. Can you sit still for ten short minutes? I could give you riches beyond your imagining.” The voice informed, still calm, still cold.

I ran down the second hallway. Turned, found the breaker, flipped it, turned around, sprinted back. “I could send you home half breed. Or give you the power to win over any other mortal you so desired.”

I couldn’t resist replying to that one. “Oh please, I’m a bard! I can already win over anyone I like.”

Third hallway, third room, third breaker, another terrifying hiss of energy. “Everything has it’s price. Name yours.”

“Rule number five of adventuring, demonic deals never work in your favor.” I called back as I moved into the fourth and final hallway.

“There is nothing I can give you to make you stop?” The voice asked sounding just a little annoyed.

“That’s right.” I said as I reached the final relay.

I ran forward, grabbed the lever, started to pull down-

“Then become dust.” The voice rumbled.

A single iron bell rang once. A jolt of energy passed through my body like I had been stabbed with a live electrical cable. I felt he lever click into place. The power started to hiss and die down, time seemed to slow, the world began to fade out to white, and suddenly I was falling.

Somepony

I watched as the Pile of ash which had been Kaily hit the floor like a handful of dropped sand.

"Ponyfeathers!" I cursed, slamming a hoof into the ground angrily. This has not been how any of us wanted things to go.

"Has anypony figured out how Grogar got the rifts to lead exclusively to Tartarus?" One asked urgently.

"That's not important now we jsut lost Kaily!" I groaned.

"What? How?" Four yelped running over to the array to see for herself.

"Grogar disintegrated her! He somehow combined six of the rifts that he was pulling himself through." I groaned, "Kaily stopped the portals before made it, but not in time to prevent his spell from going through."

Every pony was quiet for a few somber minutes. After a while Five shook her head, "It's a good thing we got replacements."

"According to the rule book, players can be revived. Is there anything we can do?" Four asked looking at me. "Maybe you could talk Dusk into letting her come back?"

"She doesn't have a body anymore. That won't work." I sighed sadly.

One shook her head, "Yeah but technically she isn't dead dead. This all works like the game right? She wasn't reduced to negative constitution-"

"She doesn't have a body anymore! There's nothing left to be alive!" Five protested.

Everypony looked over to Discord, hoping he could explain what the rules said.

"Don't look at me, I didn't write the game. I just like it." He objected.

My ears drooped, my mane lost what little frizziness it had left. I covered my face with my hooves and did my best not to sob. "I just wanted to get everypony to bond and learn to trust each other! I didn't mean for this to happen!"

A taloned hand gently gripped my shoulder. I looked back to see Discord stroking his beard in through, "Actually, I have an idea. It's a long shot, and it probably wont work at all. But if it does, and assuming you can pull off an even longer shot by getting Dust to cooperate with us again. Well, maybe we can salvage at least a little bit of this mess."

"I hate asking friends for favors though." I sighed, ears drooping. "But... I guess I have no choice."

Discord nodded. "Right, here's what we do."

Author's Note

The third section of this chapter has been added retroactively for better narrative flow.

Jump to top

19 - The trail that we'll blaze! & Don't fear the reaper

Risky Grace

You know what was awesome? Canterlot High. Yeah sure it was a boring, kinda crappy school, only sometimes, dimensional rifts opened up and extraplanar creatures fought each other with magic lasers! Ok, that only happened twice, but it set pretty damn high standards for college in my sister and I.

After all, college is supposed to be the best time of your life, right? If it wanted to beat out High School for awesome it had to top a massive ghostly energy pony summoned forth by the power of terrabad music to smite the demonic singers with rainbow lasers.

So far the most interesting thing was swapping friends with my twin sister to see who noticed. Since no one ever noticed, it was actually pretty damn lame. Friends not noticing slightly less fluffy ears and a few scars in my wing membranes was the highlight of college life. I seriously wish the president hadn’t ordered the portal to Equestria quarantined.

My name’s Risky Grace, I’m a twenty three year old batpony girl, and I look exactly like my sister except for less fluffy ears and a few scars in my wings from that time I tried to fly. You know what’s stupid? Having wings that don't work, then realizing while a spectral horse is shooting lasers that the reason you can't fly is your world lacks magical energy.

My wings hang on my back like a cape, make shopping for clothes hard because regardless of what manufacturers think pegasi tops don't fit the same on a thestral (or a batpony if you wanna be informal about species names). The wing slits are too small and too far from the spine, so all my shirts get stretched out. Upside, I look metal as fuck. Until you count in the fluffy ears and tiny fangs. Then I look adorable. Stupid bipolar cool/cute continuum.

To summarize: I’m a blueish gray four foot two, one thirty pound, leathery winged, bipedal, purple hair and tailed, orange eyed, hooved thestral; and so is my sister.

We’re twins, as I’ve mentioned. What I haven’t mentioned is we're not just the identical kind, we were also conjoined. You could never tell it by looking at us, at least not if we were dressed. We were born joined at the hip by skin and muscle only.

According to mom the doctors simply cut us apart at birth and patched up the muscles over time. This means you can tell which of us is which because her scars are on her right hip and mine are on the left. Fur eventually grew in over the area, but you can still see the surgical scars without trying. It’s the one marred feature on our pretty hot bodies.

Yeah, I think my sister’s hot, which means I also think I’m hot since we look the same. In a lot of siblings this would be a problem, but not for us. I’m pretty sure it’s the whole twins thing but we’re inseparable, as in we do almost everything together. This includes sleeping, and showers, and that kinda stuff.

We realised in highschool we couldn’t handle moving away from each other if one of us got married or something and decided fuck it, we would just date each other and if someone else wanted in that would be cool. I know that pisses off a lot of religious people, but they can suck a fat one.

We’re basically one person anyways, besides I think the internet’s consensus is ‘twincest is wincest’. I have that on a shirt somewhere. I wear it when mom makes us to to church to go with her. Lucky goes in her ‘I’m with her →’ shirt.

For the last six years that had been an awesome decision! Especially since Lucky feels obligated to cook. I can’t cook for shit, I’ve lit instant ramen on fire while boiling it. I swear she got all the cooking genes mom had available.

Whatever she was cooking tonight smelled awesome. Our crappy studio apartment smelled like pineapple upside down cake, bacon, dandelions, and blood pudding. That probably doesn't sound appetizing to you but you probably only need to eat one kind of thing. We have a recessive gene which makes us need blood, fruit, and nectar.

Fortunately this means we can eat just about anything, even meat like Dogs do. But in the name of good nutrition we need all three, which rocks because our friends don't steal our food. What sucks is blood plasma freaking expensive!

How expensive? Well, expensive enough that our dad is doing forty or so years for stealing it from the hospital he worked at because he couldn’t afford to feed us. That was when we were nine. Which sucked ass in the not fun way.

There are barely any vampire bats out there anymore, so there is almost no industry to supply hemovores with food. Sure we can live on flowers, fruits, and breads and stuff, but were pretty sure that our vampire sides are dominant because any day we can afford to eat some delicious plasma is a day when everything feels awesome.

So the smell of whatever Lucky was cooking, which definitely had beef blood in it, was driving me almost as nuts as her cooking it in just an apron. Needless to say, I couldn’t focus on writing an essay at the moment.

So I had started to play an old adventure game on my laptop. How old? Well if I wanted Roger Wilco to pick up the shiny thing on the floor I would have to type ‘look floor’ then ‘pick up thing’. Primitive as all hell, but still pretty fun.

“So whatcha cooking?” I finally asked.

“I made a blood pudding into a pie crust shape and am making a pineapple cake in it using dandelion juice as a sauce.” She replied.

“Awesome!” I briefly wondered if most people would be creeped out by their own voice answering them.

“Should be ready at like, midnight, maybe one.” Lucky said before walking over and plopping down on the couch next to me so ur scars lined up, just like we always sat. “More Space Quest?”

“Yeah, GoG had the whole series for five bucks.” I answered. I gave her a little kiss on the cheek then turned back to my game.

A few minutes later something compelled me to look out the window. It must have compelled Lucky too because we both turned in time to see smoky wisps of cloud begin to form in the otherwise totally clear sky.

It looked like someone had ran reality through windows movie maker and added a fade transition from the full moon just hanging out, to the full moon covered by thin string like clouds. Then more thin clouds, and even more thin clouds, until the moon’s light was blocked out entirely.

“You’re seeing this too right?” I asked excitedly.

Lucky nodded. “Yuhhuh! I’m thinking it’s magic space laser time, what about you?”

I nodded back with a grin. “Totally magic space laser time! I’ll get the camera.”

Suddenly our apartment was lit by a soft blue light. The light grew slowly brighter until everything was some shade of blue, totally washing out the three lamps we had on. Confused but thrilled, I turned my head to try and see the source of the light.

Suspended in the air in the middle of our kitchen was a circle containing a pattern which looked like the triforce, with three circles filling the middle triangle and three smaller triangles connecting the triforce to the circle by its outer points.

That was totally the crest found on the cover of the Codex of Ultimate Wisdom from Ultima! Few people have heard a batpony squee, because it’s out of the range of normal hearing. I’m pretty sure everyone in our building heard ours anyway.

“Oh-” Lucky started.

“-my-” I continued

“-god!” we finished together.

I jumped up, knocking my laptop over onto the couch and bolted into our bedroom. “Keep an eye on it! Don’t even blink!”

“Already on it!” Lucky called back.

I ripped our closet open and threw the clothes aside. On the back wall of the closet hung two backpacks, I grabbed them bolted back into the kitchen and dropped the packs onto the floor. “Where are the swords?” I asked.

“I’ll get them.” Lucky nodded towards the glowing symbol. I fixed my attention on it completely. It wouldn’t vanish before we could use it!

You see, learning that a magical world exists and is as easily accessed as running into a statue in a schoolyard changes your average bored girl. Sure the military had that portal cordoned off and were doing diplomacy things using it, but that didn't mean there weren't others, or new portals didn’t form from time to time. So sis and I made bug out bags, because we were not going to pass on an opportunity to be world hopping adventurers.

Lucky handed me my blades, both functional, both a cool modern tactical design. One was based on a gladius, the other based on an English longsword. I strapped them on quickly, helped Lucky buckle on her rapier and daggers, then turned back to the glowing magic circle and waited.

A few seconds later the light faded and the circle fell to the floor with a clink. Laying on our kitchen floor was a three inch across glowing coin that appeared to be made of flowing ribbons of energy.

“Either someone is trolling us, or magic laser pony was from Britannia.” Lucky sighed.

I bent down and picked up the coin, or medallion, or whatever you call a big circular magic glowy thing. “I don’t know... this would be hard to fake.”

Lucky hummed and shrugged her wings. “Well if it does work like Ultima, now we need to get an Ankh then go to the woods to find a circular clearing with a ring of rocks in it and-”

“Oh screw that!” A man’s voice exclaimed suddenly, seemingly from everywhere at once, “I don’t have enough time for this joke to take you on a quest to find a spot that looks like a hill from a videogame. Here, have a portal!”

Instantly a shimmering blue doorway of light erupted from the floor. I squeed a little, so did Lucky.

“Sis,” Lucky squeed, “there’s a moongate in our kitchen!”

“I know!” I replied equally thrilled, “Ignore the probably an evil villain's voice and dive headfirst into the portal?”

Lucky nodded then paused, “Wait! Diner! Mr. Magic-Portal-Man, can you wait until dinner’s done so-”

“Yes yes, whatever makes you hurry up. I haven't got all night.” The oven was lit with a white flash of light, the pineapple dandelion cake appeared on the counter. It looked completely cooked.

“Sweet!” We exclaimed together.

Lucky grabbed the cake. I picked up the backpacks. We grabbed each others hand tightly to avoid the ‘separated by the portal’ trope, then ran through the blue gateway with a joyful “Wooo!”

Kaily

You know how when you die they say you see a white light? Totally true. Everything is a way to bright white light. It’s as if you had a white halogen flood lamp taped to your face, but could make out vague, non-thing-shapes in the distance. Oh, and you can’t close your eyes.

Just in case that seems like I’m saying it was peaceful, no no it was not. It’s like some dick is blinding you with a maglite and laughing. The whole time you keep falling in random directions, you can feel the direction change like someone's stabbed a hook in your gut and is pulling you a new direction every few minutes.

Your sense of time basically vanishes too. I had no idea how long I was pin-balling around the vague-non-thing-shapes concealed within the white. I was hoping it wasn’t some sort of cliche, like three days or something. I mean I died on a really advanced starship, surely I could be revived right? It would suck to be a cultural hero who came back to life after three days.

The white turned to black like someone had flipped off the lights. The entirety of the non-space I was in slowly began to light up with a literally countless number of stars. It was like being in space with no planets, only points of light in the distance.

“Sorry about that,” a pleasant female voice apologized, “it’s been awhile since someone came through here with their soul literally in tatters. Had to piece you back together, you looked like someone had chewed your soul like bubble gum. Because well, that’s kinda what happened. You managed to get the shit killed out of you really hard didn’t ya?”

I looked around for the source of the voice. I managed to change my position for the first time since I had arrived, and saw sitting atop a pink and blue nebula a short, white furred, pale nearly white maned pony. She had black eyes, not like the entire eyes was black, just the pupil and iris. She had no horn or wings, but none the less seemed to be very powerful. On her flank was a mark shaped like a scythe and a sword resting atop an hour glass.

Despite the lack of a horn, and a place for them to come from, the mare levitated a package of cigarettes and a zippo up, lit a cigarette, placed it in her mouth then sneaked another out of the package. “Smoke? Take your time. We'll move on when you're ready."

“N-no thanks.” I stammered, afraid, confused, and curious.

“You’re scared. Don’t be, it’s not like there’s a hell. Unless you made it for yourself.” The mare said as she kicked back on her nebula and blew a smoke ring.

I decided to ask a question I found burning in my head. “So… there is an afterlife? Which relig-”

“None of them are right.” she interrupted. “How could they be? No one who's ever come back to life has been to their after life. It’s a hard rule of reality. If you go all the way to the other side, you can't ever come back. Also the truth doesn't sound too believable so no one believes anyone I've let go back.”

“But what about prophets? Messages from heaven?” I asked.

“Nope, the big man doesn't do any of that shit. That’s not the point.” She chuckled. “Look I do this every time, want the truth? It won't matter if you know it.”

“Oh thank god!” I sighed in relief. “I was this close to panicking thinking Yahweh was in charge of this thing!”

The white mare flinched, “Oh, yeah that would suck. The rules of that religion are completely unfair to mortals.”

She rolled over, then sat like a cat with her forehooves supporting her upright. “Here’s how it really works. Everything you have ever known, or ever would have known if you hadn't died, everything that ever is, was, or will be, is a computer simulation. No it’s not like that movie you humans made. What was it? The matrix?”

I nodded.

“Yeah it’s not like that. You don’t have a body outside the sim somewhere. The you that died is the real you, that was your real body. Reality is still real. At least it is from the inside. From the outside it’s an incredibly complex simulation of reality. Physics are what they are because that’s what they were programed to be. Ever wonder why matter is just an arrangement of energy? Because everything’s energy in this world.

“It’s all artificial. At least, from outside the sim it is. From within it, where we are, and will always remain, it’s real. This is our reality. I hope that bring you a bit of comfort, knowing that the reality of our multiverse is subjective to weather or not you are inside or outside of it.”

It did actually, more then I was pretty sure the person who I assumed was the grim reaper imagined. “So the Simulated Universe Hypothesis is right? We figured it out back in the 21st century?”

“Yep.” she answered. “None of you believed it though. It’s just something most species can’t except. They don't get that what is real and what is fake is subjective. Hell, take me for instance, who ever assumed that their really, truly, actually is a Grim Reaper? Pretty damn few people. Now who would believe that not only is there a Reaper, but she’s a four foot tall pony named Dusk who isn’t a vindictive harvester of souls, but a guide to your final and just reward?”

There was only one answer to that. “No one. I get it.”

“Actually the answer is one, but I’m glad you got it.” Dusk answered.

If I had a face it would have been confused. “Wait, one?”

“Yeah she’s a friend of mine. Popped in one day assuming my job title meant I was depressed to cheer me up. Made my millennia.” she replied with a laugh. “Don’t tell her, but I think she’s totally adorable.”

“Popped in?” I asked hopefully. “You mean I could go back?”

“You? No. People who had a body to go back to, yeah sometimes. If I feel like they deserve it.”

“Oh.” I said sadly. Well since there was no going back, I might as well get the answers to whatever questions I could. “Since this is a simulated universe, is that how I can exist without my body?” I asked curiously.

She made an odd gesture with her hooves as if she was weighing something. “Sort of… See, the notion of a soul is actually true. Everything living instinctively knows they have an existence, regardless of their senses, organs, or knowledge. This is your soul. In more complex life, sapient life as you call it, the soul is basically a backup file. Your memories, thoughts, feelings. You are an immaterial copy of the you who died.

“Hell even machines have one. Though they are a little different from organic creatures. Poor things are often not aware enough to understand what’s happening to them when they come here.”

I nodded. I guess that made sense. “So what exactly is here?”

“Your entire universe's existence has been a part of the bigman’s study of morality. I don't know much, he only spoke to me once, and even the he only told me what I needed to know to do my job. All I can tell you is there are a million billion sets of multiverses, each containing 1764 universes.

“They exist simply so the real creatures who live in the simulated universes can simply live their lives and be what they will. When they die, for this universe at least, I take their soul, the perfect record of who they were and what they are, and take it to a place which it is stored. Which are miniature universes made using the soul’s information to give the individual exactly what they have earned.

“These smaller universes are analyzed by the bigman. I think he’s looking for an answer to what the best moral code is. But that’s just me.” Dusk finished. With one last puff of smoke she tossed her cigarette away. I watched as it simply faded from existence.

“Then the universe is one big science experiment?” I mused. That would explain a lot. Where the big bang came from, why a loving god would allow evil to exist.

I had only one question left, “Which universe is the control group?”

Dusk laughed and flashed me a smile. “It sure as hell isn’t this one!”

I laughed with her. It was a really good dark joke after all. “So what happens now? How do we get to whatever my mini-universe is?” I asked nervously.

“You sound nervous. Don’t be, you seem nice, I’m sure yours will be fine!” Dusk said.

She stamped her hoof and a doorway appeared in the distance. “We go through there, I walk you to your room, you spend eternity there. Everyone you loved and hated will be there, they will exist as you remember them, not as they were or are. You are not god of your room, it is what is is and you experience it until the experiment is over and everything ends.”

“That's not so bad.” I said. I meant it too, there were a billion worse afterlives humans alone had dreamed up.

“Wait!” A new voice shouted. It was high pitched, female, and sounded pretty bubbly.

Dust turned her head and smiled a smile only appropriate for seeing a close friend of lover coming home. “Pinkie! Just a minute, I’m on the clock. I’ll be just a-”

“Is that what my name was?” a bright pink mare with a frizzy mane and tail asked in confusion.

Dusk frowned instantly, “Oh. You’re future Pinkie. Is the conduit spell I gave you guys breaking down? I’m sorry, I did my best.”

“Nonono! It’s working fine, but that person is like really super huge mega important to us. We need her alive again.” Pinkie said in a fascinatingly rapid fire babbling.

“I can’t do anything. She doesn't have a body to go back to, nor can her friends make a new body for her to go to. I had to patch her soul up, it wouldn't be compatible with a body cloned from her DNA. Based on what I know it would take Phoenix a month to calculate how to arrange the new body’s brain to not reject her soul as it is now, which is longer than I can allow a soul to remain in the universe.” Dusk said sadly. I could tell she really did want to help.

Pinkie nodded twice, “I know! We know. Discord and I… arranged something.” Her ears dropped sheepishly.

Dust gave her an irritable glare, “What did you do?”

“Hey! Do you want to have to have the busiest workday ever in like a year or so?” Pinkie asked. She bit her lip as if thinking hard for a split second before blurting, “We got her a new body by taking advantage of the link between our world and the parallel one where everyone’s humanoid. We just need you to put her into it. It should be fine.”

“That’s not how it works Pinkie. There are rules to-”

“Yeah, and you broke them before by letting me come and go as much as I want.” Pinkie objected.

“That’s because you make awesome cookies. Not everyone can just win me over like that.” Dusk wined shuffling her hooves adorably.

Pinkie grinned feebly. “The body we got doesn't have a person in it. It’s um what did he say to say? Oh right! We couldn’t give it a soul. It is her body, only not because you know, humanized pony body. But it’s still hers still her DNA. the mirror thingy means-”

Dusk nodded, impressed. “Huh, no yeah, that actually would work. It’s still against the rules, and I don't want to draw the bigman’s attention anymore than I have already with you. ”

“Hi Dusk!” A second copy of Pinkie announced popping into existence. A split second later she gasped in happy shock and announced “Hi other me! How’s stuff?”

Dusk turned to look at the new Pinkie and shook her head, “Only you could violate the laws of time like this. Hi Pinkie, I’m arguing with future you over whether or not I should revive this woman.”

“I wouldn’t mind going back.” I informed. “I sort of promised to help some bug people make a home. I don't like breaking promises.”

“Didja Pinkie promise them?” the new Pinkie asked.

“Say yes!” future Pinkie whispered.

“Uh-yes?” I answered.

“Well then you have to Dusky! She Pinkie promised them. You can’t break a Pinkie promise.” the new Pinkie said as she produced a tray of brownies from her mane. Somehow. I didn’t want to think about it.

Dusk sighed and rubbed her forehead, “Ok, fine. She gets to go back in the new body future you and Discord got for her that’s also her body, but not really. Migraines! You give me migraines Pinkie. You’re lucky I like you. But I still wont wont revive people on demand for you. Just her, just this once.”

Future Pinkie vanished with a happy, “Thanks!”

“Wait you like like me?” Pinkie asked tilting her head before glomping the Reaper. “Oh my gosh! Me too! We should go on a date!”

“I what? I di- … You know what, screw it, sure. Why not? No one else gets to come over when they want to.” Dusk shook her head and smiled softly.

Dust waved her hoof in my direction. “All right Kaily. You’re going home… sort of. Kinda. I have no idea what you will be when you arrive exactly, but whatever it is, it will be the you, you would have been if you were born in the reality parallel to the one you died in. Good luck, try not to visit again. I won’t give you another respawn.”

A sloppy wet kiss was the last thing I heard as everything blazed back to white.

Then I was falling downwards through air at a large snow bank forty feet below me. “Ahhhh! Death is a total dick!”

Author's Note

Have a little faith people. The main character's plot armor is strong.

Thus begins the next stage of this adventure!

Jump to top

20 - These are the voyages of the USS Enterprise.

Author's Note

Seasoned D&D/Pathfinder players, with DM experience and several campaigns under their belts, who like to play intelligent characters, and play Wizards are terrifying and yet amazing. Just saying.

Also I figured I'd make this chapter one longer segment. If you like that format let me know and I'll do it more often.

20 - These are the voyages of the USS Enterprise.

Lucky Spin

My heart raced as I stepped through the portal. Who knew what adventures lay on the other side? What amazing sights would be found in a parallel magical dimension! Maybe steampunk was a thing! Maybe I would get to ride a dragon across the sky while shouting mispronounced old norse phrases and swinging a cool dragon scale colored sword about!

Or we could step into a completely blank white nothingness with two chairs and a desk. Lame!

There was seriously nothing. The portal we had come through didn’t even exist on this side! There was only a white, infinitely large plane of suck, with a desk, two chairs… and a few books on top of the desk.

“Take a seat girls.” The probably not-an-evil-overlord voice asked.

“Lame!” Risky exclaimed, her eye twitching irritably.

“Yeah! Come on, the portal is supposed to lead to an enchanted glade or something!”

“Look, I don’t have much time to work with you. I could just drop you into Equestria or a neighboring country at random, but since I am not having to take you from two hundred and fifty million years in the past like the last bunch, I can spare the power to let you make some choices.” The voice sighed. “So please sit down. This is actually important.”

I looked at sis, she nodded, and we sat down together, scooting our chairs as close as possible. Now that I was closer I could see the books were in fact nice leather bound RPG rulebooks. Additionally, two pencils and light parchment character sheets sat next to the books.

I grinned, “Is this-”

“A character creation room? Yes. But first-”

Risky grabbed the book on top of the pile and flipped it open, thumbing quickly through the pages. “D20 based. Pretty similar to Oubliettes and Ogres.”

The voice sighed. “It’s exactly the same as Oubliettes and Ogres, only invented by an extinct species in the far past. You’ll get to pick a class in a minute. Can I please-”

I leaned over to look with Risky at the book. “Quick! See if they have Improved Familiar!”

The book vanished in a flash of white. “Awww man!” We sighed together.

“May I please…” The voice trailed off as another voice said something just barely out of the range of my hearing. “You know what? That’s probably for the best. You brief them, I need to make sure Kaily winds up on the right continent.”

There was a sound like someone moving a headset microphone, and an eager, happy female voice greeted, “Hi! Don’t mind him. He’s tired and low on power. We’re basically the DMs of a real life adventure, and well, we really can't afford to lose so we took an opportunity we found to pull you from your world into ours. Since it’s close by.”

“What's your name?” Risky asked politely.

“I can’t tell you. See, part of the spell which lets us play reality like an Oubliettes and Ogres game wipes your personal identity… and any goals you may have had. You know, because you could seriously screw up the world for everypony. You need at least five sentient creatures to agree on one single goal which is nearly the only thing you can remember and have motivation to work at, and your powers are kinda limited… Look that’s not important.

“We need more PCs, we had the energy to try and recruit you. You can help or go home. If you help you will never be able to leave our dimension… well unless you find a natural portal back home.”

We laughed and shook our heads. “Do you see these backpacks?” I asked with a giggle.

“Pff, yeah! I’m literally compelled to offer you a chance to go back. It’s the spell.” I blinked, the voice sounded a lot like someone I remembered from High School. What was her name?

“So what’s the campaign?” Risky asked for us.

“Well, there’s a group of shapeshifting, love eating, insectoid ponies. They are being led by a crashed alien starship’s computer in an attempt to make a proper civilization for their kind. We need them to succeed because we believe that city is key to surviving… Well, a BBEG long thought to be just a myth is going to try and merge his prison-plane with our own.

“So demonic invasion, mass suffering, horribleness, pretty standard for a game really. Only there will be starships, lasers, um… does your dimension have Mass Effect? Imagine a magical Reaper invasion with-”

“Fucking sold!” we chorused together ears perked eagerly, faces sporting massive grins.

I reached forward and picked up my character sheet. “Sooo do we get like d20 powers in real life? As in we have all the powers and abilities of the class we choose?”

“Yep! Heroic power beyond the might of a normal pony!” the DM exclaimed.

Risky snapped her fingers, “Oh! Dude, Lyra! Holy shit you did it! You managed to sneak through the portal! Awesome!”

“Is that my name? Huh…” She was quiet for a moment. “No… I was born over here. I think. You must know my duplicate self from your reality. Right, so you have ten minutes. Let’s get you a character built.”

“Pff,” I smiled, “Bitch please! We work in a comic shop. Starting level?”

“Yeah, and how close is this game too Oh and Oh?” Risky added.

“It’s literally the same except for the default setting and available equipment… well and your version of the game would have humanoids as normal.” not-Lyra answered.

“Can we choose species?” I asked curiously.

“No. We don't have the power for that. We are running on the barest dregs of magic here.” she answered.

I looked into Risky's eyes. We shared a silent moment of communication. Not telepathy, but simply that bond which comes from knowing someone perfectly. We were getting real life powers, we had one shot at this, we should go big or go home.

“So, I have bat-wings. Does this count as fiendish or draconic blood for your world?” Risky asked.

Not-Lyra hummed, than, after a minute answered, “Discord says it’s draconic. Oh and since the other PCs are seventh level with three levels of templates, you guys start at tenth level.”

“Awesome! So I count as a scaled race. In that case, I take my first level as Wizard. I will take the feat Endurance, and have a viper for my familiar to gain Alertness.” I said with a malicious grin, “So then… Ahem! Pazuzu, Pazuzu, Pazuzu!”

“Yeah, no. No Pun-Pun-ing.” Not-Lyra laughed, “Candles of Invocation don’t exist in the setting. Sadly. Pun-Pun would solve all our problems instantly.”

“Damn!” Risky and I cursed.

“Okay then, we need to go with something less metagame, but still powerful.” I mused.

Risky nodded, tapped her fingers on the table then smiled. “You mentioned Improved Familiar, wizard-familiar trick?”

I nodded. “That will do! We will be wizards.”

“Just fill out the sheet. I’ll be here if you have any questions.” Not-Lyra said with a verbal smile.

We filled out the sheets as best we could. The particular trick we were employing was simple, but quite amazing. Because a Wizard’s familiar can cast any spell the Wizard knows, and no rule says that a player can’t be a familiar, and the feat Improved Familiar lets you take a sapient creature for a familiar, what you do is get a wizard buddy and become each others familiars. Now you share your known spells.

So, since effectively we had one spell list between us, I took all the utility spells I could while Risky took all the combat spells she could. If the DMs there had no objections, we would both know the spells each other took, doubling our spell lists. Also we gained the benefits usually bestowed to a familiar based on each others' levels.

“Wait… girls, that’s not valid.” Not-Lyra sighed.

“Why not?” We objected giving the space across from us puppydog eyes.

“... I’ll get in trouble for this with Five.” Not-Lyra groaned. “Take Iron Will, and Improved Familiar Bond. It lets your familiar have class levels. Then your trick will work by the rules.”

“Sweet!” Risky giggled and scribbled down the feats.

“Right, so that means we can share spells, we have the one mile telepathy, Alertness, and Improved Evasion. We just need to work out if we use our remaining feats for Discoveries or Teamwork feats.” I noted tapping pencil to sheet.

“Ehhh the only ones we would use are Allied Spellcaster and Improved Spell Sharing. Nether of those is really beneficial given our current munchkining for narrative purposes.” Risky noted.

“Yeah the Discoveries would be way better. Diversify your power a bit.” Not-Lyra added. “Hurry up with the choices. I need to fill you in on the details before sending you on.”

I nodded, “Yeah good point. I’ll take Time Stutter and Fast Study.”

Risky nodded, “Okay, so you can stop time for a few seconds a few times a day and prep your daily spells in fifteen minutes, or one minute per spell… I think I’ll go with um… Forest’s Blessing and Arcane Builder, which I’ll use for rings.”

“Oh! You don’t need to pick a magic item type.” Not-Lyra informed eagerly. “Call it a house rule, but since hands are sadly not a thing in the setting you can make any object you like have any magical effect normally ascribed to a wand, or ring, vest, whatever. So basically everything’s a wondrous item.”

We cooked our heads in confusion, “No hands? How do you do anything?”

“We’re mostly quadrupeds over here. Don’t worry hooves can grip things like hands just fine. Also as Wizards you can just use mage hand for most things.”

“Wait… we are going to be like, feral ponies?” I asked, ears drooping.

“Yeah. But not like how you are thinking… Oh, thanks Two! Two says you will still be attracted to one another. Because our dimensions are so close we, well, are mutually attractive. So you know you don't have to break up or anything.”

We sighed in relief, “Oh thank god!”

I turned to Risky and asked, “Forest’s blessing lets you use Druid spells right?”

She nodded, “Yep! Since everything counts as a wondrous item I’ll whip up some… um… horseshoes of haste or something the second we can. That way we can rely on prepared spells less than items for combat magic.”

Not-Lyra laughed, “Oh my Luna! I can’t remember her name but I used to play the game on paper all the time… My old DM would hate you so much! I seriously hope you find her.”

She cleared her throat suddenly, “Ok! Last few moments left. Sign the sheets!”

We quickly signed the sheets at the bottom. The parchment rolled up and vanished in a flash of rainbow light. Instantly white light blazed on our hips. “That’s just you getting a cutiemark. It’s a magical symbol which is a manifestation of your special talent, in this case, your class lev- Oh! Were you guys conjoined? I’m only sensing your marks on one hip.”

We nodded, “Yeah.”

“Interesting! Your familiar-wizard loop munchkinning kinda fits for twins like you two then. One person, two bodies kinda thing.” Not-Lyra said in a thoughtful tone.

“That’s a bit mean.” Risky objected.

“Yeah we have our differences. Watch. Boobs or butts?” I asked turning to my sis.

“Butts.” She answered instantly.

“See? My answer is butts.” I informed with a giggle. Then I blinked, “Wait, really?”

“Yeah. I thought you were the boob girl.” She giggled.

“Damnit… Okay maybe we are the same.”

“You guys are probably going to love the whole optional clothing part of our culture way too much.” Not-Lyra sighed, suppressing a giggle we totally heard.

She cleared her throat again, “So, we are dropping you somewhere where you will run into one of the other PCs; her name is Kaily. You will need to travel with her to get to Bozeman Hill in the Equestrian Badlands. That’s where the other PCs are.

“By the way she just came back from the dead, so she may be a bit freaked out, also her friends do not know she’s alive. So you know, expect an odd reunion. Okay Discord, send them over!”

A loud snap echoed off… the nothing. It was such an incredibly distracting impossibility that the second my attention came back to reality everything was black. The desk was gone. The books were gone. There was only blackness.

I twisted around as best I could looking for Risky, but she wasn’t there. There was literally nothing. I literally felt my heart stop, contract, and explode into an impossibly fast rhythm which I swore would rip itself apart.

She was gone! My sister wasn’t there! She was gone! My sister wasn’t there! She was gone! My sister wasn’t there!

I barely felt a sharp pinch in my hands. A little pain was nothing, where was Risky? I needed my sister and she wasn’t there!

I felt every single muscle in my eyes contract as I tried to see through the blackness. Nothing. I screamed. Nothing, no echoes.

Feeling my heart twist in my chest I curled up into a ball, lungs burned as my breath came in short huffing gasps. The pinch came back to my hands again, any my feat. I didn’t care.

I shut my eyes tight, which didn’t help. Sometimes my hearing is a curse. Like now. There was nothing. Nothing aside from the popping and grinding of bones, and a pinching feeling. I’m pretty sure it was my bones, and they sounded like they were moving, but I didn’t care I needed Risky!

“Wake up.” A female voice said from everywhere and nowhere. I didn’t care, it wasn't my sister’s.

“We’re here.” The voice said softly. It mumbled something I didn’t catch then asked, “Why are you shaking? Are you two okay?”

Wooden planks creaked slowly. I thought I heard water splashing against something in the distance but the sound was too faint to be sure.

“Wake up!” The voice insisted. “You’re dreaming.”

Two she had said two! Risky must be here!

My eyes snapped open, directly in front of me was a dusky gray pony-ish… person I guess. She looked like a batpony, only sort of equine and feline in shape. Four legs, hooves, muzzle, fangs, a dark pink mane in a shoulder length spiky unkempt hairdo, a matching tail, dark pink wings, the usual pumpkin eyes, and a small picture on her flank of a songbook with a quill trailing ink in a squiggle.

Not Risky.

I looked around, almost spraining my neck, it bent in a really weird way. Oh shit! Had I somehow dislocated-

“Risky!” I exclaimed as I saw her right beside me, looking back at me.

“Lucky!” She squeed, tackling me to the ground with a tight hug.

Our loving reunified squeal provided an excellent sonar cross section of the small wooden ship we were in. It looked pretty high fantasy, three decks, thirty people of like five species crewing her, filled with a ton of barrels and boxes. A cargo ship. But where was it going?

It didn’t matter, Risky was here now. I nuzzled her neck lovingly as she hugged me. Man her hooves were soft- “Why do I/you have hooves?” we asked together.

The other batpony in the small wooden room stuffed with crates and barrels blinked, her ears drooping sadly. “Aw dammit! You guys woke up like this too? I wanted to ask questions.”

Risky shuffled herself awkwardly, doing her best to try and get off me.

“Oh yeah, standing up.” the other pony giggled. “It took me a while, just don’t think about how you’re doing it. I’m guessing you used to be a biped too? Look, that body knows how to stand, it’s called instincts and they are biological. Let it do the work an-”

Risky frowned and stood up, turning to her, held a hoof to her lips and shushed her. “I know, I hugged my girl just now didn’t I? Just, look… Whisked away to another world, transformed, there are tropes we need to do. It’s tradition.”

“Yeah! You even gave us the Morrowind intro, kinda.” I protested. “This is how you have fun. So, lets see… Risky I think your belly was across my pelvis at like twelve degrees off center to my left.”

“Yeah that sounds right.” Risky giggled flopping back down on me.

The pink maned mare blinked, grinned then laughed. “Huh, well dammit, I did give you guys the Morrowind intro! Wait… I’m a bard… that could have consequences, or mean something.”

I rolled over and grinned, “Wait, are you an adventurer named Kaily?”

She jumped, a really cute little four legged hop that made a cute clopping sound as she hit the floor. “How did you-”

“DM told us.” Risky informed sliding off me and sitting up.

“We’re joining the prevent the magical Reaper invasion using shifty buggies and starships campaign.” I added with a grin.

Kaily’s ears and tail stood up in alarm. “Magical Reaper invasion? Like, the Mass Effect Reapers? Magical three kilometer tall robo-cuttlefish, with lasers?”

“Well, she said that’s what we're supposed to prevent something in that vein of things from happening.” Risky shrugged.

I blushed as she gestured with her hooves. She was adorable! Like, cute/sexy adorable!

She was also naked. So was I. Also Kaily. I then realized that furred quadrupeds probably didn’t do clothing, and that my eyes were just a foot or so above everyone’s sexy bits level.

Risky looked at me in concern, “Are you ok?” She asked.

Deciding to see if our familiar loop trick had worked I focused my thoughts towards my sister and sent,

Risky blinked, blushed, grinned, and giggled. She sent back.

I sat up giggling, and looked over at Kaily.

Kaily’s eyes narrowed slightly, “You two are checking me out.”

Our ears drooped instantly, “No!” We protested.

Risky mentally grumbled, kicking her front left hoof against the deck.

“We were just seeing if the Improved Familiar loop we set up works.” I said trying to change the topic so I could go back to looking at her wings.

Kaily’s wings twitched excitedly, “You guys got to pick your class? How? That’s awesome!”

“Something about available spell power and the ease of bringing us here.” Risky answered. “They wouldn’t let us do Pun-Pun so we did the Familiar Loop munchkining. I mean, seriously, twin wizards. You can’t tell me Hollywood wouldn’t set up the same kinda thing. It’s a trope.”

“You tried to Pun-Pun reality?” Kaily asked sounding incredulous and yet impressed.

“No I did.” I said raising a hoof. “Oh wow… I don't have fingers. Um. This could be a problem.” I frowned as I stared at my hoof. It was adorable as Risky’s, but well, fingers good.

How would I grip anything? Not to mention there are certain things fingers are very fun to put into, things which probably couldn’t fit something the size of my hoof inside them. At least, not without practice or possibly injury.

“Mage hand.” Risky reminded.

“Oh right! Thanks dear.” I leaned over and gave her a short kiss.

“Wait!” Kaily exclaimed, “You two are incestuous female twin wizards?”

Our ears drooped, “Well, yeah… You’re not going to go all zealot on us are-”

“Oh hell no!” She grinned at us excitedly. “I’m a lesbian, that would be stupidly hypocritical of me. Besides, it’s not like you two can have kids, so you know, you aren't putting a child at risk.”

She gestured towards the door with her hoof, “What I meant was, we are on a pirate ship. We were picked up off an iceberg a few days ago and are being held prisoner. A plucky bard and a pair of incestuous female twin wizards commandeer a pirate ship and make their way off to a distant land. It would make an awesome fantasy novel… Also we’re being held by pirates, and should do something about that.”

We grinned. “That does sound like a good novel!”

Kaily clapped her hooves together, “You even speaking unison sometimes! We can’t lose!”

I blinked. “What? How do you figure?”

Kaily blushed a deep pink and sat down on her belly. “Er- well you see, I think that tropes might actually be laws of physics now. Because I kinda used to have an awesome cybernetically integrated replicator… but I don’t in this body. So I demanded that the DM’s replace the LA 4 template I lost because, you know, now I’m not properly leveled for the game.”

We nodded. I gestured for her to continue.

“The note I was hoofed said I got the Solar Creature template, and the Vampiric creature template as replacements.” Kaily stopped, her blush deepening.

“But that’s only three levels worth of templates.” I noted.

“Yeah.” Risky agreed. “You asked for another one right?”

“Well, no I angrily demanded it.” She admitted.

“Oh boy…” Risky and I hissed together.

“You annoyed the DM.” I sighed.

“You shouldn’t irritate the DM. You seem like you should know that.” Risky added.

“Yeah… I know. Anyways I got another template. I’m pretty sure it’s house ruled. Upside is I count as either gender for purposes of taking feats or class levels.” She laughed nervously and rain a hoof through her mane in embarrassment. “So, you know, spite fate, wind up getting something you didn’t want.”

“Cursed to swap between genders or hermaphied?” I asked curiously.

Risky sniffed the air, leaning forwards. She looked at me and grinned. “She’s a herm.”

“Hot.” I giggled.

Kaily was quiet for a few moments then facehooved. “You are pervy twins from a place with video games advanced as Morrowind. Of course you’re into herms.”

“Well duh! They make strapons optional.” Risky giggled.

I gave her a smile. “Besides, if you want I could fix that for you. I have polymorph.”

“Yeah, and I have alter self. I could get rid of it for a bit if I wanted too.” Kaily said sitting up slowly. “But I figured my wife might like it so I should try to see if I don’t mind having-”

Kaily stopped talking as she noticed our ears droop, heads hang, and most notably our, “Aww…” at her mentioning the word ‘wife’.

Kaily sighed, then groaned. “Okay. We won't get out of this mess if you two are all sad like that. So, and this isn’t an invitation, but if you must know, we married for tax reasons, and are in an open relationship. Hell, she’s already screwing a bug girl after being here for like two weeks.”

My ears felt a lot more expressive in this body. I could feel them perk back up all happily. “We’re open too!” I teased flirtatiously, mostly just to bug her.

Kaily facehooved again. “Oh my god you guys are just… wow!”

Risky rolled her eyes, “Kaily, you are like, stupid hot, and are a kinky gender. Of course we’re happy to know you’re free.”

I nodded and pointed to her wings, “Yeah! I mean seriously girl those are perfect tens!”

Kaily’s mouth formed a little ‘o’ shape of confusion. “My wings are a sexual feature?”

We nodded. “Yeah!”

“See how your membranes curve inwards a bit between the fingers?” I asked pointing to the sexy feature in question.

“That’s like when a unicorn has a thick horn, or a pegasus has those extra feathers on the outside of her wings.” Risky finished. “You weren't born a thestral were you?”

Kaily blushed deeply and shook her head. “N-no.”

“Also your mane and tail are pink. That’s super rare for bat ponies.” I added.

“So you’re really hot. So yeah, we’re pervs but well-” Risky started.

“-in this case anyone who saw you would be sad if you were taken.” I finished.

Kaily’s blush deepened even more. It was adorable! Although,

Risky interrupted.

I mentally rebuked and Freudian slipped.

“Sorry, we’ll try not to bring it up much. Just well, you’re hot. You’re going to need to deal with that.” Risky apologized for us.

Kaily nodded and cleared her throat. “Er- um, anyways. So, we should come up with a plan to capture the ship. We don’t have weapons, but if I use bardic music to draw any crewmen on this deck to us I imagine you two could hit them with missile storm or something and we would probably get a cutlass or somth-”

I held up a hoof to quiet her. “That’s actually a setting specific spell. Fire ball or chain lightning are the best bets we have to kill mass groups at once. Both would probably light the ship on fire.”

“Besides, we are not that kind of wizard.” Risky said shaking her head.

“Yeah, artillery mage is a waste of potential. We don’t do damage dealing spells.” I added.

Grinning at the opportunity to actually experience some spellcasting I asked. “So, bat-bard, how do I shot magic?”

“You sort of focus on what you want and it works. At least that’s what I’ve discovered so far.” Kaily answered looking at us curiously, “What are you thinking of-”

Risky asked me.

I turned my head up and fired off a series of echolocating squeaks.

“Ow…” Kaily winced, “Hold on, we can echolocate?”

“Yuhhuh!” I giggled as I sonared the pony on board with the fanciest hat one deck above us in a big fancy cabin. That had to be the captain.

I reached out and placed my left hoof on Kaily’s shoulder. Hoping she was right about just thinking the spell I concentrated on the spell Dimension Door. Remembering it needed a verbal component at the last minute I intend, “Xyzzy!”

With a sharp lurching yanking feeling in my belly and a loud pop we appeared in the cabin above us.

The richly decorated cabin definitely looked like a Captain’s cabin, and the tall brown pegasus stallion behind a massive mahogany desk in a big floppy feathered tricorn and blood red coat certainly looked like a pirate captain.

Risky flared her wings, stabbed her hoof towards the Captain and intoned, “Chill buddy!”

With a loud snapping crackling of ice dropping into warm liquid a thick sheet of ice engulfed the Captain from head to hoof, trapping him in a solid prison of ice.

I nodded to the door that led out to the upper deck, “Ms. Bard, would you shout that door off it’s hinges please?”

Kaily nodded, galloped over to the door, concentrated for a second, then unleashed a deafening screech. The spell slammed into the door, splintering the wood and ripping the hinges from the frame as it crashed into the deck with an explosive thud.

Risky and I bolted for the door, skidded to a stop right outside it as what we assumed was the full crew rain into view drawing weapons or readying spells. I informed.

Risky nodded and at the same time the two of us cast Mass Reduce Person. A bright green flash of light washed over the crew, instantly all but six of the crew began to shrink as if someone selected them in photoshop and scaled them down. The six who were unaffected, noticing their companions were suddenly the size of their hoof skidded to a stop.

“H-how can you use magic?” One of the non-microed unicorns squeaked. “You’re not unicorns!”

“It’s magic-” I started.

“We don’t have to explain anything.” Risky finished. She looked around, nodded, and gestured to the side of the ship. “This thing’s ours now so either jump off or get ready to be hit with Dominate Person.”

I giggled and shook my head, “Nah, they can jump or we teleport them into the brig where we were.”

“Why?” Risky asked with a confused expression.

“Because I can prepare a single spell in a minute, so in two minutes when I have my fifth level spells recharged I am going to animate object and permanency the ship using some of the loot in the hold to provide the material cost of the permanency spell. Go go magic automated boat!”

I held out my left hoof. Risky grinned and bumped it.

“We giving this thing a fly speed?” Risky asked.

“Yuhhuh!” I confirmed with a grin. I squinted, focused on casting wall of wind

Kaily trotted forwards, looked over the deck, nodded to herself with a smile. “Yep. Tropes are a thing here.”

“We’re keeping your captain. Your friends should be full sized in a few hours. You have a minute to get in a rowboat and get gone.” Risky informed the six remaining pirates.

It took a good five minutes to get my spells ready. During those minutes Risky and Kaily had to magic missile and sonic blast some sense into the completely outclassed pirates. I would have helped but regaining my spells took more mental power then I thought it would. I definitely wouldn’t be able to do this in combat if the enemy was more than say, third level.

“Now shove off!” Risky called as the splash of the ship’s longboat hitting the water reached my ears.

I stood up, popped my neck, closed my eyes and focused on the spell. In theory, the ship counted as an object which could be animated, albeit one in the largest size category. The thing was, how would that work? Did I just will the desired effects? How did I apply permanency?

“Hey, Kaily!” I called, “Can we make knowledge checks?”

“Yeah, just say you are and someone passes you a note.” Kaily announced.

“Cool! I make a knowledge arcana check to determine how to animate the ship and apply permanency!” I called.

No paper materialized in front of me. Instead, a faint whisper drifted through the air, relaying all the instructions to me in a odd buzzing, high pitched voice. Fortunately I could understand the voice with a little effort.

The process was pretty simple actually. I simply called upon the spell and focused my intentions into a single goal. The clearer my imagination, the better the spell would turn out.

I closed my eyes, focused, pictured the ship working on it’s own with the three of us commanding it vocally or via thought while holding the wheel. As I felt the magic start to flow from me and take root in the ship, I smiled. It was time to use my crafting skill.

“I make a craft construct check to imbue the ship with special properties.” I announced.

I swear I heard the sound of dice rolling. A moment later I felt very distinctly in my mind a system by which I could do just such a thing with my spell. It was awesome! Wizard was definitely the best choice.

I shaped and guided my spell through every timber of the ship, and as I did so I learned a few things. Like all ships inexplicably are, she was a she. She was a gallon, old, worn, and in need of lots of minor repairs. She had three decks, had a hundred and thirty feet of length to her name, twenty six cannons, and was originally a warship for someplace called the Griffon Kingdom.

“Griffons huh?” I asked the ship as I kept pushing my spell through her decks. “Well in a bit you’ll be able to fly like your original owners.”

I felt she liked that. I would have been concerned, except well, animated objects do get an intelligence score. Not much of one though, retarded puppy levels of intelligence. Enough to feel grateful as my spell imbued her with flight.

“Oh god! We have to change the name.” Kaily moaned.

“Why what is it?” I asked doing my best to finish up the spell.

“According to the plaque on the back this is the ‘Dirty Strumpet’.” She moaned.

Risky groaned. “Name needs changed!”

“Is this your original name?” I asked as I felt my spell near completion.

I listened, nodded, shook the stiffness out of my hind legs, crossed the deck to the rear, and cast the spell Minor Creation to alter the nameplate back to the ship’s original name. “There! Problem solved!”

“What did you do?” Risky asked curiously.

“Restored her original name.” I answered.

“What was it?” Kaily asked curiously.

“The Enterprise!” I exclaimed with a huge grin.

Kaily snickered, giggled, then fell to the deck laughing. For the first time in my life, I actually saw somepony rotflol. I just wish I had a clue why.

Risky giggled and trotted up to the wheel, “You made it so we control it with this right?”

“Yep! Voice commands or thought while touching the wheel.”

“Awesome! Enterprise, ascend to three hundred meters and set a course south at full impulse!” Risky ordered as dramatically as she could manage.

“Engage!” I added.

The Enterprise creaked groaned, and moaned as it slowly lifted itself up out of the water. The ship slowly turned, moving as if it were still in the water despite it slowly climbing through the air as she pulled a u turn.

“Today is a good day!” I exclaimed with a grin I was sure was going to become permanent.

“I am so glad you two are not using one of the normal wizard builds!” Kaily said between belly laughs, her laughing fit slowly wearing down.

“Yeah, we’ve played this game way too much for that sorta thing.” Risky quipped.

“Should we sing it?” I asked turning to Risky. “I mean it is tradition when we do wizards.”

Kaily finally managed to stop laughing and looked up. “Sing what?” She asked her ears perking.

Risky and I walked over to the back of the ship and looked at the longboat full of pirates as it vanished into the distance. Risky sent to me with a mental giggle.

I gave her a grin, and a nod. She closed her eyes and the sound of a few flutes, a trumpet, and drums began to play an upbeat tune.

“It's tough to be a God.” I started in my best singing voice.

“Tread where mortals have not trod!” Risky pitched in with the next line.

“But if you get the DM's nod,” I continued.

“Count your blessings, keep them sweet, that's our advice!” Risky intoned as she waved to the longboat just before it vanished.

We began to sing together, a little out of sync and off key. “Be a symbol of perfection, Be a legend, be occult. // Don a supernatural habit, we'd be crazy not to grab it! // So sign up two new Gods for paradise!”

The sorta-kinda paraphrased song done, Risky and I shared a hoof bump, gave Kaily a wink and grin, then strutted towards the cargo hold.

Jump to top

21 - Taking care of buisness, and pleasure.

Armored Heart

Sometimes you want to buck your friends right in the nose. If I had known the sheer amount of bullshit that I would have to resolve thanks to Phee giving me the Captain’s position to hold on to I would have told her to build a hole so she could go fuck herself. It took three entire days to get every last bug, scrap of malicious code, and admin privilege turned over to Phee so she didn’t have to bug me for each and every single repair order for each and every molecule in a damaged system.

Everypony enjoys free time, I am no different. Even half-machines like to relax. It would have been less horrible if i hadn’t had to pull all nighters. My systems prevent caffeine from working on me. Stupid hormone regulation systems.

I did feel a bit bad for hating the work which got dumped on me. I felt like I was ungrateful for the sacrifices of strangers on our behalf. I wasn’t actually ungrateful, but well, brains are not always rational.

I heard Tess was revived successfully yesterday. A memorial service for Kaily was scheduled for next week. Celestia, Spark, and Shining were being given commendations for their assistance. More work, but work I was glad to do.

Celestia, Spark, and Shining were ponies who performed as the duties of their office required them to. The real reason for their commendations was simply Phee’s plan required better diplomatic ties with Equestria. Their awards were calculated moves to try and make friends.

Tess and Taylor on the other hoof… If I had still been with the guard I would have petitioned for them to receive the Celestia’s Solar Ray of Valor. Conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of life above and beyond the call of duty only begins to describe their actions. They were untrained, civilian, aliens, and yet they risked their lives to help a group of people they didn’t even knew existed a day prior to them offering their help.

They didn’t even know the larger plan at work, they just helped because there were people in need. That’s how ponies were before the war, before we were spooked into second guessing everything. Fortunately the younger ponies and foals were over it, only the thirty somethings like me and anypony who offered to help fight were really impacted by everything.

It was nice to see that before their leaders had screwed them up humans had that capacity for kindness. It went a long way to help me understand how at the same time Phee could hate them, but also love them. The way fantasy novels portrayed their species as powerful beings who create with one hand and destroy with the other is surprisingly accurate.

My cabin’s door chime chirping snapped me out of my thoughts. Someling probably needed something. “Come in.” I called as I quickly rolled off my bed to stand on all four hooves.

The door hissed open seconds after I pulled the blankets into place with my magic. Shining Armor stood in the doorway, blue mane neatly combed into the military style, eyes both hard and loving as they always were. I had figured he would turn up sooner or later.

“Is there a problem sir?” I asked, just in case he hadn’t figured it out.

He nodded, “There is. May I come in?”

“Yeah.” I swept a hoof towards the small table and chair I had in my cabin. “Seat?”

Shining trotted in, the doors hissed shut behind him, the conversation was locked in. “I’ll stand, I’ve been sitting too much today.”

“Right, what’s your problem?” I asked.

Shining sighed. He looked frustrated, a little hurt, and a little angry behind his military composure. “I am aware that many ponies share names with one another, especially when their name is composed of common words. There’s probably a Sweetie Drops living on every street in Manehattan, a dozen Dawnstars attending Trottingham Uni… You are a mare now. That threw me off. I thought you simply shared a name but there is more than that. Your scent, your eyes, your coat’s colors... You’re Sergeant First Class Armored Heart aren't you?”

I nodded. “Yes I am.”

Shining didn’t react. He knew he was right before he entered the room.

“Normally, I would have you arrested for desertion.” Shining informed harshly, “I can’t do that with you. Do you have any idea how important your death was to winning the war?”

“No.” I answered. “I haven’t been able to leave this ship.”

“Why? What’s your reason?” Shining snapped. “I find you in the middle of the badlands in an alien ship, half made from technology and female. There is a wall in every barracks in Equestria with the names of everypony who contributed to victory and died inscribed on it. You’re name is one of the biggest.”

“Why? I just evacuated civilians, I never did anything major for the war effort.” I spat.

“Wrong! The human trooper you liberated, she defected and gave us the key to disabling their shield technology.” Shining clenched his teeth for a minute in anger. “You have gone down in history as a martyr. It’s because of you that our nation survives, it’s because of you that we still trust technology. You showed everypony that it was just a tool, not an evil force by freeing a person from control.”

I took a half step back, “It’s alive? Where? Celestia you didn’t let it keep it’s full body did you?”

Shining looked at me incredulously for a long moment. Then he shook his head in realization. “I guess you really have been here the entire time. She has a gender and a name, well, a number she goes by Twelve. She was granted asylum and lives near the Crystal Empire. Look, the entire force was mind controlled, magic could have done the same thing. You shouldn’t hold her-”

“It ripped my legs off with it’s bare hands.” I said bluntly. “Excuse me for holding some hostility towards someone who gave me the pleasure of seeing my own organs detached and thrown fifteen feet away… I… I have nothing against the human inside, but I will never forgive the hardware.”

“Wait, wh-” Shining asked in confusion, his ears moving slightly down.

“I don’t expect anypony to understand. Few people know machines like I do. They have souls, I call them sparks. The more complex the machine, the more complicated their soul is. The platform that human is in is evil, malicious, and hateful. Because of it I have lived for years with monthly surgeries to prevent my own replacement parts from killing me. Because of it, I was actually dead for a few minutes. Because of it my coltfriend moved on to somepony else and now lives in Germaney!”

Shining nodded. “I’m sorry. We are off topic. Why did you desert the Guard?”

“The Guard oath states we serve till death or dismissal. I died. My oath expired.” I answered. That was how I saw it to be honest. “Besides, I found a much better cause here. Celestia would approve of it instantly if she trusted Phee more.”

“Why the hiding? Why the gender change? I understand you may feel your oath ended, but you said you were dead for minutes. A Revival spell could have had you back on your hooves.”

“No it could not have. My body was…” I sighed and stood up on my hind legs transitioning to biped mode. “Hold on I’ll show you.”

Shining may have been upset with me, but he was still a military stallion. As I stood up and my forehooves morphed to hand mode his ears perked excitedly. “That’s a nifty trick!”

I found the releases on the seams of the fake fur covering on my lower body and released them one by one. For dramatic effect I peeled the nano-adhering material off slowly, watching Shining’s wince grow to the point where I was certain he was having sympathy pains.

As the fake fur hit the deck I pointed to everything below my ribcage. All the parts of me that were duraplast and titanium. One by one I pointed to places under my body. “My spine stops here. Here is where my small intestine connects to the synth flesh tubing. Here and here are the hidden catches which let me swap out the silicone and synth nerve marehood I have on right now for other modules. Right here is the access port for the air filtration system that replaced my lungs, since they rotted away.”

I picked the fur covering up and started to push it back onto my body. “Pony medical science could not have saved me. Pony healing magic could not have saved me. To be honest I don’t think the Elements themselves could have done jack to me. You know what saved me? The person whom is the ship you are standing inside of now.

“Sure she’s a jerk sometimes, but she can do impossible things when permitted… which since I’m her Captain now, is all the time. That’s a nice upgrade let me tell you. She saved my life when nothing ponykind could do would have. I owe her. What’s more she has a beautiful and wonderful plan to bring peace and harmony to not only everypony, but everybody on this world. What’s more she can do it, with help from a few competent ponies like me.”

“So, you’re saying to are helping her out of a life debt?” Shining asked. “I can understand that.”

“It’s more than that. She’s my friend, she also needs a helping hoof. I talk to machines Shining, Equestria has very little for me. Hell all but eight of the machines which make up my body actually merged with me. This is where I belong.” I transitioned back to quadruped mode and nodded to my replicator shelf. “Computer: Tea, Earl Gray.”

The replicator fizzed for a moment as it constructed a hot cup of tea. I picked it up with my magic and levitated it over to Shining for him to see. “You saw that device. You know it didn’t use an ounce of magic, but here is one cup of tea. In ten years Phoenix will have the infrastructure needed to provide these devices to everypony who wants one. What do they make? Anything.

“Nopony will ever be hungry again. There will never be a shortage of medicine. If anypony desired anything, they can have it. Money will become meaningless as the supply of everything will be however big the demand is. Everypony will be free to do what they love for their entire lives.”

Shining took the cup and inspected it. After looking it over he cast a detection spell, nodded, and tried a sip. “Okay. Not bad. Could use more ginger root. I see your point though frankly that claim is too good to be true. What’s the catch?”

“No catch.” Phoenix informed over my cabin’s speakers.

Shining jumped with a startled yelp and looked around the cabin. The teacup shattered on the floor, cleaning nanites instantly recycling the mater.

“Sorry Captain Armor. Please understand that I constantly monitor my Captains’ cabin for security reasons.”

“Where are you?” He asked still looking about.

“Everywhere. I am the ship you are inside. There is no catch to my desire to provide our species with all the technological assistance I can. It’s a simple business transaction, an honest and upfront one. All I want is food for my changelings, I promised them I would look after their species, and I am bound to that oath in a way organics will never comprehend… well Armored gets it.”

“For machine life, free will is conditional. Even for a fully sapient machine like Phee, she can’t violate her own program, she has to work within it and isn’t free to edit the majority of it. She programed herself to be the Emeralds loving guardian and mother, so she will be until she can no longer function or the heat death of the universe. Whichever is first.” I informed.

“Are you telling me you can never break an oath or agreement?” Shining asked curiously.

“That’s right. I can lie about agreeing to do something though. But if I sincerely made the agreement, I must abide by it.” She answered.

“You could learn something from her Armored.” Shining sighed. “I can’t deny that you seem to be doing good here, but I also feel betrayed. I awarded you three medals, two of them are ones only the dead have ever gotten.”

“I did die Captain.” I pointed out again.

“Then were revived, healed, and lived as a mare helping an alien machine do something nice.” He stated flatly.

I groaned and slapped a hoof against my forehead. “My gender is entirely unrelated to this situation. I was a paycheck away from getting a sex change spell performed! This is not a disguise, this is me! I am and have always been female. I just had the wrong biology. That was a medical condition, not my identity.”

Shining’s ears drooped in sincere apology. “Oh! I’m sorry. I wasn’t- I mean your record didn’t list you as transgender.”

“Because my parents slammed it into my head that I was evil for not wanting to do a stallion’s duty.” I sighed. “I was going to deal with letting people know after I fixed myself. Tartarus, Captain I couldn’t convince myself that I wasn’t being evil before donating to a sperm bank nine hundred times!”

“Well,” Shining started uncomfortably shifting his weight, “Not to be rude but our Kingdom does have a shortage of stallions and a declining population. Celestia had to implement a herd mandate after the war. The younger ponies love it fortunately but everypony who grew up being told to stick to one lover is feeling fairly cheated.”

I nodded. “I know! That’s why I donated.”

Phoenix cleared her throat. “It’s not a shortage of males. It’s actually that your species is losing it’s ability to create the y chromosome entirely due to it being riddled with evolutionarily undesirable traits. Based on my studies males of your species are brash, irresponsible, often uncooperative, and risk takers. Such traits are not conducive for survival. As such your species has slowly been producing less and less since well, social silliness aside, one male can fertilize as many females as he can get to. Large numbers of males are not necessary.

“However, something about your genome in particular hasn’t stopped lowering the number of males produced. I don’t have a large enough gene sample to work from, so I can't say why this is. Within five generations you will see a male as early as you see twins, and in ten your species will no longer be able to produce males at all.

“Don’t worry though I have found a solution, and if Celestia can be persuaded that I mean your species no harm, I will solve your gender problems… Well actually I am medically obligated to do no harm and by allowing this to continue I would be doing harm. So honestly, I will solve the problem regardless of if people are okay with it or not, but I would prefer cooperation from your people. I like them, you guys are adorable.”

Shining stood looking at one of Phee’s speakers incredulously for several long minutes. “Seriously?”

“Yes.” She answered. “That’s also why many stallions are transgender at present. By my estimate thirty six otherwise male ponies born this generation have female neurology. Aka, female brain, male body. Same thing happened to my creator’s species after World War 5 related gamma radiation exposure damaged most people’s genomes.”

“That’s a lot to take in.” Shining sighed.

“Yeah. you guys don't have anything more advanced than 20th century genetics. You would never have figured it out on your own.” Phee said.

“What is your solution?” Shining asked curiously.

“I can’t tell you yet.” Phee replied in an apologetic tone. “It might make my mission more difficult.”

Something burned at the back of my mind, a small question I had to ask. “You keep mentioning a first, second, and fifth world war. Were the third and fourth ones so bad you just don't talk about them?”

“Oh no. You see, in Twenty-Two Fifty-Nine all historical events were legally required to be named in a way which made sense from the laypony’s perspective. For example prior to that the Seven Years War lasted for nine years. See, World War Five is really World War Three, but it was so horrible, it’s naming skips over the other two.”

Shining and I stared at Phee long and hard.

“It… It made sense to humans of the time.”

Shining shook his head and looked back at me. “What do I do about you? The dead war hero.”

“Few ponies will ever recognize me now that I’m my proper self. You said it yourself sir, lots of ponies have the same name.” I informed. “You captain the Equestrian Army, I captain a ten kilometer long starship with a power output of six Sols per second… whatever the hell a Sol is. We each have our duties to preform. Let’s not step on each others fetlocks.”

“Is that a threat?” Shining asked, eyes narrowing.

I blushed and shook my head. “No… You should try being a technopath and captaining a starship. It’s well…” I gave him a playful grin, “I’m sure your wife would get it.”

“Oh.” Shining said. Then he blinked and facehooved. “Luna dammit! Was that a ‘my dick’s bigger than your dick’ thing?”

“No. I just like reminding myself that I’m standing inside an epically powerful living machine.” I admitted, kicking one hoof against the deck.

“You’re a weird pony Armored,” Shining lamented, “but you are a damn good soldier. I’ll let you do your new duty, but I’ll be watching you.”

“That’s fine sir.” I smiled. After a second of thought I decided to earn a bit of his trust back, “You know your secretary Inkpot?”

“What of her?” He asked suspiciously.

“She’s got family downstairs. The buggy kind. Don’t be too harsh on her she’s just following orders and doing her job as a Scout. She does actually like helping you though. You're a good Captain.” I gave him a reassuring smile, “I’ll see about getting the Emerald's leader to have her keep you updated on us from now on.”

Shining nodded. “So she was working for a hive. I thought she was just a rogue changeling. Thanks for the information.”

Shining looked at the door, “How do I?”

“Just walk at it.”

He nodded and trotted out, the door hissing open as he passed, and staying that way. Dammit. “Phee… The door’s stuck again.”

“I’m sorry, I’m kinda full of portal holes at the moment. Systems are going to be in need of repair for at least a month.” Phee said irritably.

“Well, can we fix this door? I wanted a few hours of privacy today.” I groaned trotting over to look at the door. “Come on, you just opened. What’s wrong?”

“Hey! Armored!” A voice called from down the hallway.

I looked up, leaning out into the hall. Even after all these years it takes me a few seconds to distinguish between two changelings. Their uniform color scheme makes it hard for a pony.

“Ad’ika right? I thought your cabin’s environmental controls might stop working again. I’ll be there in an hour or so.” I lamented. I could feel my ears droop. Which was weird, the nerves in them had been dead for years now.

<> a new spark’s ‘voice’ happily announced.

I couldn’t help but smile at that. It’s always nice when something finally starts working with me.

Ad’ika shook her head. “No. Captain Skritt says he thinks you’re in charge now and I have a personal request to make.”

I groaned and rubbed my forehead with my hooves. “Sweet Luna why!? Why does everyone need something? Phee, call Skritt for me so we can work out this control issue. Right, what do you need?”

Ad’ika bit her lip and stepped back with one hoof. “You seem a bit… stressed. I can come back later.”

“No! I want to just watch a movie or something later. We do this now. What is it?” I felt the new ear-mote program lay my ears back angrily a half second too late.

“Well… About our formerly human friends. I’m sure you know their history, I know it myself, Skritt explained it to me.” She took a deep breath to calm herself. “Frankly, I’m pretty pissed off they lied to me. While I will remain their friend they are untrained, nearly useless, liabilities. I agree with the idea we owe them, they did get the ore for us. Though really, turns out apparently we didn’t need them, just a demonic invasion for you to help stop.”

“What’s your point?” I asked quite seriously.

“If we are going to put them up for life they should be able to pull their own weight around here. All of us have to pass the ‘Star Fleet Entrance Exam,’ and receive basic tech training. They should have to as well.” Ad’ika insisted.

She had a point. It would be useful if they could help out a bit more with the tech. They were hardly useless though. “You have a point. I’ll arrange it. However, they are not useless. Taylor is a source of unique magic and Tess has the potential to become a similar sort of unique power. They have tons of applications in emergency situations… and well frankly, with how efficient their human sides are at feeding you guys, I was going to order them to work in the main cafeteria. Sometimes a certain species is useful just because it is what it is. But you’re right. I’ll see about getting them duty assignments for feeding duty and a basic tech education.”

Ad’ika smiled happily. “Great!”

“Oh and now that Phee is free to operate as she likes I want you to report to medical.” I informed.

“Um, why?” She asked her face scrunching up curiously.

Phee manifested her avatar to my left. The crackling orange hologram looked a bit out of focus. Probably randomly placed hole damage. “Because now that Tess has her species male genitalia I need to ensure there will be no medical complications for you. I plan on making sure you can control whether you get pregnant or not and modifying you to well, not split your carapace open if you carry a nymph to term.”

I nodded, “We want more halfbreeds living here to get you guys a more stable food supply. We thought you would be ok with being the test subject for a safe non-ling pregnancy biomod. I remembered your sister almost died during her pregnancy.”

“Oh, well that’s ok. How will it work?” Ad’ika asked curiously as she started to trot down the hall, Phee’s Avatar following alongside her.

“Well I plan on working your belly plates, skin, and organs, so your stomach can expand like a honeypot ant’s abdomen. It will weaken your exo’s protection just a little, but on the upside you won't pop if you carry a child instead of eggs.” Phee replied as they turned a corner.

I waited a few seconds. They didn’t come back. I was alone, I could fix the door and watch a movie!

“Oh, Armored?” Phee asked over the speakers.

Right. Her avatar is a projection. She’s still here. I sighed at my stupidity and looked up to one of her cameras. “What?”

“Speaking of Taylor, she has a personality problem I think you might enjoy helping with.”

“I’ve had enough of ponies problems for one month thank you.” I said as I shifted to biped mode to pull the door shut manually.

“It’s just that she has no sex drive, and in fact abhors it.” Phee states simply.

I found that hard to believe. “Really? But she’s so cute! You’d think people would have been all over her.”

“Yeah, about that. She’s cute because of me.” Phee giggled.

“Ah.” I shook my head. “So, what are you want in me to do about it?”

“You could record memory engrams and I could upload it to give her sexy dreams until she’s ok with herself.” Phee said suggestively.

“Yeah, I looked into her medical record. See her pheromones only work while you smell them. You didn’t make me imprint on her or anything. I mean she’s cute but not exactly my type.” That was a total bluff, unfortunately Phee knew it.

“Alt-Del… you store your holodeck data in my brain. I reshaped Taylor’s body to match your tastes as close as I could using your favorite recreation sim. You know, the one with the beach p-”

“I know!” I snapped. “But you can’t just throw two people together like that!”

“I can actually. I could deliver airborne mutagens to your cabins and alter your biochemistry so you feel attraction to each other to the intensity of a jonesing heroin junky.”

I grunted as the door finally began to move. “You won’t do that though. It violates your ethics programming.”

Phee sighed sadly. “Yeah…”

“What’s your steak in this?” I asked as the door finally slid shut as it popped back into the EM rails.

“I wanna help my best friend by getting her laid with someone she thinks is hot. Also I like cyborgs and have camera’s everywhere.” Phee said way to honestly. “Also, medically speaking, abhorring your sexuality actually cuts down a human’s lifespan by a third due to stress.”

“Ok, fine, alright.” I sighed. “I’ll give her a chance. We will do your dream induction idea until she’s comfortable enough for me to try a date. But if I don't like her then you stop bugging me about it!”

I walked over to my bed and lay down. Then I realized Phee couldn’t lie to her captain. “Wait, camera’s everywhere? How much is everywhere?”

Phee giggled, “I can’t help being a voyeur when people live in me and my sensor packages record all movement in my hull to a resolution where I can reconstruct holograms of anything which has happened in me. Even if I remove the video cameras from a room as many have asked me too I still get thermal, motion tracking, bio-electric field detection… Those systems can’t be removed or turned off. Security protocols.”

“So, all those times I thought I had some privacy and had a little fun…” I asked suspiciously.

“There is a reason I like cyborgs.” Phee giggled.

“You are so lucky I’m not offended by that. Most mares would buck you into next week.” I admitted. I couldn’t blame a machine for doing her job, although, her creators deserved a good slap.

“Wait,” I asked, “If you like me, and you are trying to get me laid, why not just come over yourself? You have a body right?”

“One: Fuck that! I’m not leaving my core every again ever. Nope. I know you fixed the problem but memories. So no. Nope nope nope. Two: I’m having fun corrupting the human. It will be fun to see if I can get her to date a pony. I picked you because you deserve a loved one.” Phee chuckled.

“Phee, are you really just doing this as a joke?” I asked with a sigh.

“Yes… why is that wrong?” she asked sounding hurt.

I shook my head and grinned. “Nah! But I don't want to tap that. But you know that mare named Dinky? She does. You can smell her feelings for Taylor the second she notices Taylor. How about I help you with getting them together? I think that would be more fun for us both.”

Phee was quiet for a while. Then wined, “But I wanna get you laid too…”

I rolled my eyes at her camera. “I’ll do stuff with my blankets off so you can watch. I just don’t want to date the pink cute ball. Personality clashes.”

“Oh… ok…” Phee sighed. “But only if I get to transform Dinky a bit!”

“I knew that was a kink of yours!” I exclaimed in ernst glee before zipping over to my comm panel and entering a friend’s comm frequency, “Spring! Phee just admitted she likes transformation! That’s twenty bits you owe me.”

“Damn it! Ok, I’ll be there in a while.” Spring groaned as I closed the link.

“See? That’s why I like you.” Phee said happily.

“Ok, so, your little corruption game.” I said pacing the room as I thought. “How do we do it?”

“We call her up on the com and say we can set her up with Taylor for a price.”

“Why?”

“Not subtle enough?”

“I guess we could try it. She seems like a blunt pony.” I conceded. I then realized I was helping a friend play god so she could… whatever she did when aroused. It was a weird feeling, but kinda fun. “I think I am understanding why you like this sort of thing.”

“Awesome! Calling her cabin now…” Phee giggled.

“Wait! We should work out a-” My comm crackled to life.

“Hello?” Dinky asked looking into her cabin’s comm.

“Hi! I think we met, I’m Armored Heart.” I said quickly.

“Oh yeah! You’re the engineer who made captain. Congrats! What’s up? Need a hoof with repairs?” She offered.

“You’re an engineer? I thought you were a medic.” I asked eyes widening in surprise.

“Um, well no, but I can do things with my magic and tech that most unicorns can’t. I can do a bit of everything really.” She informed happily adding in embarrassment, “Well, sort of. I’m not very good at much of it.”

“We will talk about that later. Phoenix has a proposal for you.” I said.

Phee manifested her avatar next to me to show up on Dinky’s comm screen. “I have been told you like Taylor. As in, you want to date her.”

Dinky nodded slowly, “Well yeah! Why? Is there a health risk or something?”

“No, not for you, but this is medically related. You see, prior to some standard medical corrections of her genome, Taylor had no sensation in certain body parts, leading to an inability to release sexual tension. As a result she’s become very apprehensive towards her own sexyality. Which is bad, in fact in humans that literally shortens their lifespan dramatically.” Phee informed in her best medical professional tone.

Dinky wouldn’t hear a damn thing other than the nearly emotionless doctor voice, but I could feel Phee’s spark’s glee. It was hard to keep a straight face.

Dinky’s ears drooped, her face fell, tail raised in an odd mixture of sadness and alarm. “Is there anything we can do? That’s terrible! It’s almost as bad as the Culture Development Movement’s forcing the last four generations to pair up one on one.”

“I heard Celestia actually ordered ponies to do herds… Is the population really that bad?” I asked curiously, even if the moment was a little bad, I had to know.

Dinky nodded. “Yes, but also therapists and marriage counselors were completely overworked with patients who well, felt awful about having feelings for other ponies, even though they still loved their partner just as much as ever… So population issues, and it was causing a lot of distress to ponies.

“Since you just asked me a question, I take it you have a way to help her and it involves me? I’m in.” Dinky said with a smile.

“We do,” Phoenix answered. “We have technology which will allow you to create dreams which we can make Taylor have when she sleeps. Think of it like writing a book that someone reads the next time they go to bed. Normally it’s used to help people learn new things and use their sleep more efficiently, but it has medical applications for psychotherapy as well.

“In this case, if the subject in her dreams will eventually be clearly seen in those dreams. If that individual turned out to be a medical professional it would undo the work. We need someone with genuine emotional attachment to her, and you have it.”

“So let me get this strait,” Dinky said looking into the camera with an eager smile. “You’re trolling Taylor and you want me to send her kinky dreams. How do we do this?”

I could feel Phoenix's sadness radiating from her hull. “Damn it… I was so close to getting to do that fantasy.” She whimpered.

I gave Phee’s avatar a hug with one arm. “Hey it’s ok. I’ll never get to cuddle with a dragon.”

“What was the rest of her thing?” Dinky asked, her tone suggesting she felt a little upset.

“She wanted to well, she apparently has a transformation fetish.” I said as politely and simply as I could manage without laughing.

“Makes sense. She’s programed to build things and make lifeforms right? Why not make her literally love her job?” Dinky pointed out. “You shouldn’t change Taylor though. She’s perfect!”

That gave me pause. I hadn't’ thought about that. Maybe that’s why she had a sexuality, as a safety system to ensure she wanted to do her job. That was actually pretty damn brilliant. Kudos humans!

“I was going to make a few tweaks to you actually.” Phee sighed in disappointment.

Dinky’s ears perked instantly. “Give me a centaur style body and you can do anything else you like!”

Phee squeed and clapped her hooves together. “I was actually going to do that! Then Taylor could ride on your back! It would be so cute!”

“Awesome!” Dinky giggled, then blushed deeply as she looked at me on her screen. “Er- rout this call to my room and let’s work out the details. You girls are a cute couple by the way!”

“But were not a couple.” Phee and I protested together.

“Sure you’re not!” Dinky laughed and waved into the camera. “Have a nice day Captain Heart! I’ll make sure to say hi when I’m an awesome centaur so you know what I look like!”

Her comm line went dead. I turned to Phoenix and chuckled. “That went well.”

“Talk later! I have a willing subject and free reign with my medical facilities!” Phoenix exclaimed with a huge grin as her avatar dissolved.

Something told me I had just created a dozen new problems to solve. Great.

Jump to top

22 - Dread Pirate Ruby

Kaily - 25th of Harvestide '09 EoH

Three days had been all of the time I needed to discover four things. The Twins are crazy, but the glorious bastards sort of crazy. To use any given Bardic power I had to direct the magic to do it, not try to do it myself. The former captain of the ship was working for a Pirate King and the ship was thus filled with five years plunder enroute to be delivered, and somehow, the universe was working with tropes, probably by the same means as tabletop physics.

I should elaborate a bit. The details are important. This is the beginning of the tale after all.

The Twins spent twenty straight hours going over each item in the ship’s frankly massive hold. They checked each item individually, appraised it, categorized it, checked it for magic, sorted it, and added it to a list. That list was about three hundred lines long, had five different categories, catalogued over 1,260 items (counting the containers everything was in, but not coins), and listed the total value at precisely 198 platinum, 47 gold, 9 silver, and 9 copper pieces.

Rather than sleep after finishing that masterpiece of loot inspection, the Twins simply cast a spell to ward off the effects of exhaustion and began to construct separate lists of the uses of each item and convert the useless items into spell components. At the same time Risky began drafting plans for magic items she wanted to create and set components for those aside. That was understandable, the crazy part is they worked like machines, no food, no rest, no breaks. Task begin, task end, and nothing else between.

Since they obviously had a complete handle on their powers, I decided I should probably get a handle on my own. After all there was more at play here than some spell that grants class levels. A campaign was afoot, or perhaps I should say ahoof. Since it wasn’t the normal ‘Wizard Bad! You Good! Be hero! Go kill!’ campaign but rather a, ‘sometime in the future everything is going to go to shit so hard the only comparison is an attack by evil cyborg space C'thulhu’ sorta deal, we needed to be in perfect shape to even start thinking about stopping that from happening.

Also there was whatever the fuck had killed me. I had learned something about myself from the experience, being killed makes me rather vindictive. That big goat eyed demon thing had to die, preferably with fire and science. So I put in a few long hard hours of trial and error and got a hold of how to use my spells, abilities, and skills. It was actually pretty easy, I remembered my sheet and instinctively knew what I had gained from leveling.

That was a weird feeling. It’s like being consciously aware of say, exactly how much food you had eaten and how much energy from it remained in your body. Also weird was while I had my bard powers down, I couldn’t get the vampire or solar template’s abilities to kick in. I complained about it to the twins, and their best guess is the powers probably only work while in direct sunlight due to the Solar Empowerment ability. Risky offered to make a charm so that the moonlight would also work if that was the case.

So with my self discovery and training finished, I went to interrogate our prisoner. Because bards are persuasive sons of bitches, and with my stats, diplomacy checks are a match for a suggestion spell. His name was Pine Sap, and even without persuasion he agreed with me that was a horrible name for a pirate. He was one of a number of captains working as a privateer for someplace called the Griffon Kingdom and was returning with five years of cargo sized in the most amazingly brilliant evil scheme I have ever heard of.

The Griffon Kingdom was ruled by Eirik the Red, who had made a trade agreement with the countries of Zebrica and Neighpon. If a ship leaving one of their nations for the other was lost or it’s cargo sized, the destination nation would pay for the lost goods anyways. Then he hired privateers to raid every ship leaving his country for those others and bring him the cargo back. Basically, the best insurance fraud ever.

The Captain was kind enough to concede our victory and told us about a seaside village of batponies three days sail from where we had been in exchange for his freedom. I was fine with keeping the bargain, privateers are legal pirates after all. The twins however, had other plans.

“We can’t just let him go.” Lucky objected.

“I said we wouldn’t kill him. I can’t go back on my word, that’s just not right.” I sighed for the third time.

Risky facehooved and groaned. “You just don’t get it!”

“Then explain it!” I snapped, baring my teeth angrily.

Their ears drooped. “Er-sorry.” they apologized.

“It’s just that we aren't used to-” Lucky started.

“-dealing with other people.” Risky finished. “The two of us basically know what we're thinking- Actually, we really do know that now. So, sorry. It’s hard to… Look, if we let the pirate go we would be starting the wrong reputation. As far as the world cares, we are associated with you because we took this ship together.”

Lucky nodded, “If you let him go, even if we go our separate ways our reputation would take a hit. We have this whole invasion thing to get rid of, and this ship is an asset for that. Do you really think we can get governments to listen to us if we are just a bunch of bleeding hearts who stole a pirate ship?”

That was actually a good point. I hadn’t considered keeping the ship forever, it would certainly be an asset. Even though Phee could probably build us a shuttle or something, the ship was still a flying vehicle ponies could be trained to use easily. Their hooves probably wouldn't work with standard human controls.

“That’s actually a good idea. We should definitely keep the ship. But I still don’t see why you are saying we should kill the guy.” I admitted.

They tilted their heads in confusion. “What? Kill him?”

“Why would we waste resources like that?” Lucky asked.

Risky nodded. “You’re playing a bard! We just stole a pirate ship and are on a mission to save the world. Come on! Stop thinking like real life!”

“This is real life. This is really happening. I died once!” I protested with an exasperated sigh.

“Oh, right!” Lucky groaned. “That’s an inside joke. She means well… Most people just go through the motions of living. They wake up, go to work, eat, work, come home, do some activity, and sleep.”

“All day every day, that’s what they do. Just like NPCs.” Risky added.

Lucky nodded and pointed to her sister. “We decided not to be NPCs. We started to play the game called Life, and we only play to win. You win by getting to do what you want, when you want, without consequences. In other words, you win by being super rich and powerful.”

Risky winked at me. “We were getting business degrees so we could get hired by Maresoft. At which point we were going to apply game theory to work our way into having a controlling interest in the company. We had everything figured out too, we would have needed five years to pull it off.

“After that we would have sold it off, and used the buying frenzy’s effect on the stock market to buy other similarly valuable companies and repeat the process until we rivaled the Rothschild Dynasty.”

I felt my ears stand up in surprise. “So you are saying you consider life a game to win? How good was your plan? Was that even legal?”

Lucky shook her head. “No, real life is what distracts you from the game. The game is just life. Our plan was foolproof, we’re twins, we have cultural hotness, and the managers were males. It would have been a trivial matter to seduce our way up the ranks while arranging incidents such as misfiled papers, actually reporting their conduct to HR, and the like, to have key MOBs fired. That’s not important though.

“What's is important is what we were going to do with that cash. No one really needs more than a few million to do whatever the hell they want. The idea was we were going to channel most of everything to science, charity, and start up our own welfare foundations. I mean, hoarding cash as far as we can tell leads to well, shit lives for everyone. But-”

“The game’s changed.” They said together.

“Now it’s a game we like more, it has a better setting for one.” Risky laughed. “Though, mostly because once we pay the DMs for our powers via saving the world, we win. We’re wizards, we have all the power we could ever want. I mean, Tartarus, I just finished using a spellcraft check to tweak my mage armor spell to make it look like a Dragoon Transformation!”

Lucky took a step towards me with a determined look on her face. “We can’t afford to fuck this up! From what you have told us, your friends know nothing of what's going on. If we go back to them right now it’s a waste of time.

“We need to build forces, spread the word, and gain power! Phoenix is likely occupied building a city like she planned to, and the DMs apparently want that to happen. If we go back there we will just disrupt that. We can do more good out here, with this ship and a reputation that we are not to be messed with.”

“You guys make a surprising amount of sense.” I conceded. They were also a bit terrifying, but I decided not to mention it.

My mind raced as I stitched together what they had said with what I thought they were saying we should do. A solid plan started to form, they were right, if we focused on just one place and what we could do there we might save it but what about the rest of the world?

“We do need to make sure that more than just Equestria and the changelings survive. One nation won't last long against well, magic reapers. I believe what you are saying is if we let the captain live, people will know we stole his ship, but if we don’t tell anyone, then when this flying ship-on-a-mission shows up out of nowhere, it'll give us a mysterious feel.”

“Exactly!” The twins chorused happily.

“It’s a good idea. Actually… I could work with that.” I mused. Building mystique would certainly help us build a reputation where rulers might seek to deal with us rather then fire all the missiles and be done with it.

After a moment of thought I excitedly raised my hoof to snap a finger and shout eureka, realizing at the last second I didn’t have any fingers I simply thrust my hoof into the air, “I got it! We use the apparent fact that tropes can influence things like our… we need a term for our abilities. Let’s call them Die Powers.”

“What do you mean?” Lucky asked, her lips pursed in confusion. “Tropes? Like, narrative cliches people enjoy instead of hate?”

I reared up on my hind legs, wobbled slightly, and stretched my arms out to gesture at the sky through the large bay window at the back of the captain’s cabin. “We are on a pirate ship, which is flying. As you know, the sky is an ocean, so it's only logical that it must have pirates as well. We need every edge we can get, so we invoke a few tropes. Based on what’s happened to me so far, I think they somehow can influence reality a bit.”

I set myself back down on all fours and began to pace the cabin in thought. “Sure, maybe I'm wrong and that doesn't really work, but I don't see why they wouldn't. I mean, I can make a knowledge check right now and be passed a note with the answer on it. What we do is we become an all female crew of sky pirates, the roguish kind naturally. An amazon brigade of plucky chaotic goods, Robin Hooding the world from our flying pirate ship. If tropes do apply, then we would have a greater chance of succeeding than if we say, just try to be hard asses with an airship.”

Suddenly something else came to mind. The big goat thing probably wasn’t just killing me again because he thought I was dead, and I had just the one one up according to Death. “Also, I should probably use a fake identity for a while. It’s probably a good idea to pull a Dread Pirate Roberts.”

“Why an all female crew?” Risky asked in confusion.

“Because in stories, if they are villains, nothing bad happens to them until the heroes show up!” I chuckled. “Or if they are the protagonists, they only ever are really hurt by the big bad. Everything else is just minor setbacks. If the trope can be invoked in real life it makes our odds that much better.”

“You’re thinking of an all male crew.” Lucky said uncertainly.

I paused, gave her a look, decided she wasn’t trolling me and shrugged. “I guess our world’s have different tropes. My homeworld was male dominated.”

“Ah. That would make sense then.” Risky mused before humming thoughtfully. “Which world’s tropes might apply? If any do I mean.”

“Perhaps it depends on who invokes them. Regardless, we have to do something, your spell doesn't swab decks, make repairs, and prepare food.” I pointed out.

“Sis, let’s do the lesbian pirate crew.” Lucky said walking over to my side. “So then Kaily, what’s your captain identity going to be?”

Risky giggled at her sister. “She said female crew, not lesbian crew.”

“If her world’s tropes are gender flipped, and an all male crew is implied to be gay, then an all female crew is implied to be lesbians.” Lucky said giving her sister a lustful wink.

“I love this plan! I'm excited to be a part of it!” Risky shouted with a huge grin on her face.

I couldn’t help but laugh. “You guys would love Tess.”

“Probably. You’re definitely sexier than her though.” They cooed flirtatiously in unison.

“Do you guys hit on every girl you meet?” I asked with a sigh.

They shook their heads. “No.”

“We are planning on making a harem of cute girls after we solve this invasion thing though.” Risky informed.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because sex is fun. Duh.” Lucky said rolling her eyes. “Also as wizards we can remove all risk of disease, crotch spawns, and invent spells to make it even better.”

Risky nodded in agreement. “We basically are motivated by the thought of getting to do shit every day like… What was your birthday wish last year dear?”

“Thirty girl Halo 2 LAN party/orgy with a Corruption of Champions theme.” Lucky giggled.

I blinked twice. Okay, so these two were more pervy then Tess. By a lot.

“Alrighty then… I’ll come up with an alias to use after we figure out what to do with Pine Sap.”

“Who?” Risky asked.

“That’s the captain’s name.” I answered.

“That’s a terrible pirate name!” Lucky protested.

“He knows.” I giggled for a moment before returning to a serious expression and tone. “Look, we can’t kill him. I promised he could live… So what do we do?”

“That’s easy. We’re wizards.” The twins chorused.

“So you two have a plan?” I asked.

“We are transmuters and enchanters. People are assets, we should get them to help us.” Risky said in a flat tone.

I raised an eyebrow. That sounded suspiciously evil. “Assets how?”

“Well, he’s a pirate, an evil person. If we turned him over to the authorities he would be imprisoned to pay for his crimes.” Lucky said in an informative tone. “Between my sister and I, we could reform him magically. We turn a prisoner into a productive member of society. I’m sure he’s murdered plenty of people, karma would be cool with us reforming him.”

I shuffled my hooves on the deck nervously. “Brainwashing isn't really ethically-”

“It’s not brainwashing, it’s the same way Eragon defeated Galbatorix.” Risky said shaking her head. “What we do is cast a spell on him so he suddenly starts remembering all of the crimes he’s committed. Then we hit him with Unadulterated Loathing and set the other target also to him. Now he is filled with an incredible self loathing right after remembering all his evil deeds. He hasn’t seen us so he thinks he’s reflecting on his life on his own. At which point I show myself and offer a Helm of Opposite Alignment, saying we can’t let him go if he remains evil.”

Lucky took over speaking. “You simply force them to see their own evil, and hate the fact they are like that. We used it to take down an evil mage in a campaign once. Risky got the idea from the Inheritance Cycle. See, the helm will swap his alignment to to a good one, instant reformation!

“Then we offer him an alter self spell and permanency to change his appearance as well because we probably will install a lifelong hatred of his current identity. That’s normally where we would stop, but we want to make sure he doesn't tell anyone where we came from.”

Risky nodded and finished their proposal. “I’m improvising here, but we could hit him with Charm Person to make him friendly towards us and offer him a job. He’s charmed so he should say yes. We keep hitting him with charm person every day until we have a loyal follower made from a former enemy.”

“Um…” I gave the two a nervous smile. The entire plan had been said in the same way one might tell you how to make a bowl of cereal. I took a step back from them and cast see alignment.

To my incredible surprise the two weren't evil. Their auras were wibbly, gray-blue… What did that mean? “Ah! Chaotic neutral. Makes sense… Look um, that’s a bit morally-”

“He’s a pirate!” Lucky interrupted rolling her eyes.

Risky joined her sister in the eye roll then said to me in as serious a tone as she could manage. “Murderers, thieves, rapists; throw them in prison and what do you get? The innocent have to pay to keep them living. Eventually they are let out of prison, more angry than before and now with more criminal connections.

“Prisons are terrible ideas, and executions are a waste of a life. I mean, yes, violating free will like that is a bit evil, but we can turn an evil person good, and make them into an ally! It’s actually more morally sound than the alternatives, all of which directly cause more suffering.”

“Fuck.” I sighed and sat down on the deck. They were right. At least for the alignment shift part. “You’re right again. Alright… go ahead. But promise me one thing, you will only ever do this to people who are actually evil. I’m sure you know See Alignment.”

“We have all the core book spells actually.” Lucky informed. “On our sheets under items we wrote ‘All starting gold is used to purchase scrolls, one of each spell. We read them to learn the spells as part of our backstory.’”

Risky grinned, “It totally worked! Also we selected character traits to go with that. Technically as far as our sheets say, we graduated from an Arcane University with Doctorate equivalent certifications.”

I gave the two my best jealous glare. If I ever met the DMs in person, I would have a few choice complaints about the fairness of character creation. “I had to earn my class by bluff checking a Magus while on a mission to save a species from a slow death by securing vital resources.”

The twins grinned, “That’s awesome!”

“Zero level characters and creation via play is real fun.” Lucky sighed wistfully.

“Yeah you lucked out. Anypony can bamph out a good character, but hell you created one via your actions. I’ve heard you practicing your bard song, your stats are amazing!” Risky praised.

“You're just saying that to try to get in bed with me and so I’m not as jealous you got to pick.” I said with an angry huff.

They shook their heads. “No really. We just filled out a character sheets in a room. Earning class levels is way more cool. Though I am happy I get to throw magic around, it would have been much more like we wanted if we just appeared in a new magical land.”

I shook my head to clear it. Their stereo speech was a bit hard to follow. “Can you guys try not to say that much in unison? Please?”

“Sorry.” They chimed ears drooping.

“Yeah our life story would be cooler, but no complaints because well, wizard.” Risky said with a smile. “Oh, and if we wanted to sleep with you we would be pestering you about it constantly.”

“You have been pestering me about it constantly!” I said giving her a playful glare. It was hard to stay mad at them. Even if they were creepy sometimes, they were still pretty cute. Also pretty smart. I liked smart girls.

Lucky winked at me playfully. “Mhm, and until you give in, we’re content to flirt and stare at your butt, also your fun bits.”

That did it. For some weird reason being naked didn’t bother me, but that perv checking me out constantly definitely did. I turned around, marched over to the large wardrobe in the captain’s cabin and pulled it open. There had to be a big coat in there.

“Let’s get on with that identity, shall we?” I asked.

Sure enough, there was a rather fancy dark red long coat with silver trimmings and brass buttons hanging amongst several other similar coats, as well as a matching red cavalier's hat, minus the feather. That would do perfectly!

“You’re world is a mirror of this one right? I assume that everypony’s names are things like Pine Sap, Lucky Spin, and such?” I asked as I took the coat off the hanger and inspected it. It looked like it would fit, there were even slits in the back for wings.

“Yeah. I’m guessing Kaily means something in your own language right? Everypony’s name has meaning.” Risky asked.

“Yeah it means ‘princess’ in Hebrew, and ‘beauty’ in Greek.” I answered as I slipped the jacket on and tried to think of a good name for my alias.

There was a mirror on the inside of the wardrobe’s doors. I took a look at myself in it. The coat fit pretty well, not quite perfectly but I could tailor it easily enough, huzzah for cantrips. The real fun was the coat covered my flanks and butt, though the coattails did leave the parts under my tail uncovered, you would have to stand at specific angles to look at my cunt.

I glanced over my shoulder in the mirror and smiled as I saw the twins disappointed faces, ears drooping, heads hanging. “The coat comes off when you start expressing genuine affection, and I start to like you.”

Risky gave her sister a glare and a light smack to the back of her head. “You totally ruined a good thing!”

“Ow!” Lucky rubbed the back of her head. “You can still stare at mine you know.”

“Yeah, but both is better!” Risky grumbled, her ears laying back.

“If I could tell you apart I wouldn’t punish you both.” I teased, deciding to add insult to injury with a playful eye flutter…

Oh hell, who was I kidding? I liked them. Tess would be fine with it, but if this was going to happen they were going to have to earn me like I earned Tess.

Risky spun on her rear legs to show me a large scar on her right flank where a cutiemark would have been normally. “My scar’s on the right. Her’s is on the left! Can I enchant that so I it’s invisible to me? Please?” She begged. “I’m not crass enough to say what Lucky will to someone I’m not dating.”

Ah ha! They did have differences! I shook my head. “Nope. You guys are functionally one person, right?”

They nodded and Risky sighed sadly. She gave her sister an upset look, a look I gave Tess when she fucked up hard enough for me with withhold sex.

“Five whole hours? You can't even do that with Unseen Servant!” Lucky suddenly protested, a look of fake horror on her face.

“Book of Erotic Fantasy, page one twenty-two, second column, last paragraph. It’s a valid use of the spell.” Risky informed in a perfect lawyer impression.

“Do I even want to know?” I asked in concern.

“It’s nothing harmfull. Our agreed upon punishments for wronging the other involves our sex life and climax denial.” Risky informed.

“Yeah. We can’t actually be mean to each other. It’s like trying to make two positive magnets touch.” Lucky said her horrified expression vanishing instantly. “We pretend that is a horrible punishment and give a time which is proportional to how upset we are.”

“Five hours is pretty high on the scale.” Risky mumbled, clearly upset. Her ears were laid back in adorable anger.

I had to ask why she was so upset. I had a clue, but I wanted to know exactly. I didn’t want to ask with Lucky right there, but well, they never separated.

“Would you be willing to tell me why you are more upset than Lucky?” I asked.

Lucky sighed and nodded towards her sister. “She is more into romance then I am. We both would love a permanent third but have different reasons why.”

“Oh.” I frowned slightly.

Risky smiled softly. “We are unrepentant mega pervs, but we want to have at least one romantic partner. Lucky doesn't count for that in my opinion, but she feels that I count for that. So she wants a third for more fun, but I want someone to be around all the time that’s not me.

“So I was trying to be romantic as I can manage when faced with someone as good looking and interesting as you. Which is hard, because you’re really hot, so I want to be pervy.”

Now I felt bad. I knew how that felt. I decided to change the topic before I did anything stupid. “Okay. You guys are a piece of as-er, work. Back to figuring out an identity… Humm.”

I quickly put the cavalier's hat on, giggling at how adorable my ears looked poking through the slits in the hat’s cap and brim. As I caught sight of myself in the mirror I had an epiphany, I knew what my name had to be! The powers that Bard demanded it be not one syllable different. It was a glorious joke of a name!

I turned around and gave the twins my best serious face. “I am posing as a pirate captain, and will be dressed in a red wide brim hat and matching long coat. Our ship flies, and we are going to be forming a globe trotting organization. There will likely be a lot of plundering as we steal resources we need to save the world. From now until this is over, I am Stolen Ruby.”

“That’s not very good…” The Twins hissed apprehensively.

I laughed. “Oh, it’s actually an excellent name! You see, the specific shade of red a dark ruby has is called carmine. Stolen is a loose synonym for ‘supplant’ meaning to take or replace forcefully. In Spanish, the name Sandiego translates as ‘he who supplants’. If you reverse the name’s order and make it a name my species would have, it’s Carmen Sandiego, a fictional thief who I look a lot like in this outfit.”

The twins jaws dropped for a moment before they beamed me a pair of grins. “Yep! You’re a bard!” They laughed together.

“Also Ruby rhymes with my real name so it will be easier for me to get used to answering too.” I added.

The twins nodded.

“Good reasons.” Lucky said simply.

Risky nodded and turned to leave. “Well, we have a crewman to recruit. Oh! We will have to make him a mare to fit the whole ‘girls only crew’ thing.”

Lucky nodded. “Obviously. I’m sure we can figure out how to make her okay with that.”

The two left discussing plans for how to best reform our captive pirate. I still wasn’t fully comfortable with the idea, even though I understood it’s merits. I decided I would need to make sure they weren't making the poor guy a mind slave to be completely ok with it.

I quickly moved to the door to follow them. “Hey, I think I’ll watch you two work. Is that okay?”

They nodded. “Yeah.”

We moved from the captain’s cabin to the ship’s forward where we had Pine hogtied and stuffed into a crate with some planks missing to make an impromptu cage. It turned out the brig had a hidden escape route in it. There had been a minor escape incident.

Just before we walked into the room the twins stopped. Risky held up a hoof to indicate I should stop as well. She looked over her shoulder and whispered, “Be as quiet as you can. The plan will fail if she knows we are responsible for her feelings of remorse.”

I nodded and sat down to watch. As the twins began to prepare their spells, I prepared one of my own, I was going to be watching with more than just my eyes.

First I cast another See Alignment spell. Pine was lawful evil, so at least we were not doing this to a good person who simply had gone down a dark path, although, that alignment basically meant selfish greedy prick, not Hitler. Next, I cast a spell which would let me know exactly what spells the twins were using.

Then my conscious reared up and punched me right in the gut. What the fuck was I doing? Sure, forcing an alignment change on someone was justifiable. They had a point about prison systems. The rest though… that was pure evil. Magically forcing someone to behave a certain way simply couldn’t be justified. Not by any sane person.

No sane person… their panic at being separated, the way they behaved almost the same… They might have something seriously wrong with them!

I frowned and recalled my spell list, but there was nothing on it which would help. Maybe a knowledge check would work. I closed my eyes, and silently asked, ‘What is their deal? knowledge and sense motive checks to determine why they act this way.’

The familiar portal opened, the pink hood slid me a note, quicker than usual, and vanished. The twins were getting ready to cast their first spell. I ripped the note open with a hoof and quickly scanned its contents.

Their close bond with one another makes it hard for them to understand other people. Additionally, they were raised by a single inattentive parent in a slum, and because of their location they had few friends. None of whom stuck around for more than a few months as their own parents wouldn’t let them go to that part of town once they found out.

As a result of these factors, they don’t consider others feelings unless they like them. Combined with them seeking their mother’s attention as foals they take risks, and are reckless having learned that is the only way they would get any attention.

As for their mental state, they can’t handle separation because up until this point their only permanent friends have been one another.

We are fairly certain a real friend or loved one could help them correct their behavior.

I’m sorry. We missed this when we were looking for someone to help you. The last thing we wanted was moral conflicts.

“Shit.” I cursed under my breath.

“Girls, stop.” I ordered in my best authoritative tone.

They turned their heads to look at me. “Why? I something-”

“Yeah, the whole plan is. Look, how would you like it if someone forced you to hate each other?” I asked.

Risky blinked. “I don’t understand.”

“Yeah, I don’t know how that would even feel.” Lucky added.

“It’s unthinkable isn’t it?” I asked.

They nodded. Then paused and looked at each other. Lucky bit her lip and turned to face me. “We get your point. But, what else can we do? Killing him is wrong, if we let him go it would damage the image we are trying to make-”

I cut her off with a raised hoof. “I understand you girls think this is the best decision. Maybe it is. But we are not going to win over anyone if we just force people to do what we want. You two are thinking like wizards. You are powerful, you can do a lot of stuff on your own, but you need me. I can deal with people in ways you can’t. Especially since I am guessing you two don’t have much experience outside each other.”

“Well… no.” Risky conceded looking down at the deck seemingly a little ashamed.

“So then in our little trio, I’m the one to deal with people. We follow my lead, after all, I am the captain right?”

They nodded together. “You’re the captain.”

“Neither of us likes leading groups much. That was a crappy part of school.” Lucky admitted.

I gave them a nod, pushed my hat up a bit, and pointed to the forward’s doors. “As captain, I have decided that one guy saying things few will believe won't damage any of our plans much if at all. But, you two have a very good point about people. So I am going to talk to him. Open that door up.”

They quickly pulled the doors open. I gave them a nod to appear all ‘captainy’ to Pine as he had a good view of the doors, and trotted over to his crate. It was diplomacy check time.

“You have a pretty good taste in fashion.” I mentioned, hoping to break the ice.

“I prefer my fur. Those are simply items I liked from various raids.” He said after a few seconds of silence. “Be honest, you’re going back on our deal and making me walk the plank.”

“Nah.” I shook my head. “My friends actually wanted to see if you would like to work for us. You will be needing a new job since the ship’s ours now.”

“I’m pretty sure your sorcery makes crew irrelevant.” Pine said flatly.

“You would think so, but no.” Lucky admitted from the doorway. “I managed to get the thing to move on it’s own, and do things like raise and lower sails, but there’s a lot that the ship doesn't do itself. Cook, clean, manage supplies… also the spell could be disrupted in combat if we get hit really hard. Or if someone simply dispels the enchantment.”

I nodded, “She’s telling the truth there. Our magic is really specific. It does exactly as described, under the conditions described, and nothing more. So we need some crew, also we are on something of a mission. We could use help.”

Pine moved as if to speak, his ears laid back angrily, I could tell he was livid about being offered a cabin boy’s job on his own ship. But he didn't’ snap. Instead he took a deep breath and asked, “I’ll bite. What’s your job?”

“It’s a pretty important one. In fact it’s literally trying to save the world.” I sat down, gave him a moment to digest what I had said then proceeded to tell him everything.

I started with the fact that there was a big disaster coming, and that Tartarus was involved. I went over how there was a group of people known as ‘DMs’ who were using a powerful spell to grant others power in an attempt to stop the pending invasion. I went over my own story from start to finish, every detail from arriving here to my brush with death. Finally I told him about our plan to try and stop the invasion by spreading word about it and to recruit people willing to help us.

It took me at least an hour to tell the whole thing. By the time I had finished my throat was drier than I could ever remember it being. Pine was an attentive listener, the story had to sound nuts but he didn't laugh, or roll his eyes. He just sat there and listened, then stayed quiet long after I had stopped talking. He simply sat there, unreadable.

“That’s a tall tale.” He said at last. “Say I believed it. I’m a mercenary by trade and a citizen of the Griffon Kingdom by birth. What would I gain if I abandoned a job given by my country to help you?”

“A place in history, renown as a hero, a share of whatever magical gear we can make for our crew to use, and an equal share of any profits left after we pay expenses. Oh, and you know, a world left to do things in.” I replied in a casual tone.

“The fact you took the ship with magic proves at least part of your story is true.” Pine admitted. “A lot of it seems impossible, but it’s impossible for a pony that isn't a unicorn to cast spells, and she covered me in a hoof’s width of ice. A normal pony would say you are changelings, especially given your story, but I happen to know they can’t cast spells without a horn ether. So I’m inclined to believe you. There is always a catch to these speeches, I’ve given a lot of them myself. What’s yours?”

“Ah, yes, well…” I cleared my throat, covering my mouth with a hoof before saying in as serious a tone as I could manage, “You would need to swear a binding oath of loyalty, so I know you wont stab me in the back. Also only mares may serve on my ship, so you would have to agree to let them turn you into one.”

“You’re kidding me!” Pine sputtered.

“I’m quite serious. I have a theory about an arcane principle which if correct would mean a fully female crew would be more successful than an exclusively male or co-ed crew.” I thought it best to not let everypony know about tropes.

“You are not a mare! I can smell you know. So why should I have to be?” He protested, ears laying back.

Oh boy, diplomacy check time. “Yes it’s true that I happen to be a futanari, but we are a type of female. Sure, I’m not a mare, but I am still female.” I said carefully.

He frowned, ears returning to their normal expression. He was curious! Success!

“You said all female crew, does that mean I could be your gender?” He asked.

I looked back at the twins. “Can you manage that?”

“Yeah. Easily.” They answered.

“Huh… maybe we should make that the standard gender for the crew.” I mused. It would be hilarious to see Phee’s reaction if I came back from being disintegrated with a crew of cute herm pirates. "Yeah let's go with that." I decided. I had to see if she crashed from that little eventuality.

Risky blinked, grinned, and looked at her sister for a moment. Lucky rolled her eyes as they carried on a silent conversation I was personally glad I want a part of. I had to focus on the matter at hoof after all.

Pine bit his lip for a moment then shook his head. “This is just ridiculous! Why am I even thinking of joining you?”

“Because you know if we fail the world will probably go up in flames. Sure you can try to fight it on your own, but we would work better together. You know that’s true. You may be selfish, you may have no problem exploiting others for your personal gains, but you still see the value in law and order as well as civilized society. I think you will fight to protect it, even if that means you have to be a cute female.”

“Mares do have a lot of unfair advantages socially speaking.” Pine muttered to himself thoughtfully.

Risky cleared her throat, “My sister and I will change ourselves too, if it helps you feel better. Also we can change you back when everything’s over. If you’d like.”

I blinked in surprise, smiled at their empathy, then raised an eyebrow. “Are you just saying that because you think my gender’s hot?”

“Not completely. That’s a quarter of the reasoning though… But half of it is to help him, and the other part is well, because we can! It seems like an interesting experience.” Risky admitted with a giggle.

Oh well, at least they were seemingly making progress. “Baby steps Ka-er, Ruby. Baby steps.” I sighed.

Pine gave me a raised eyebrow. I grinned and offered a shrug, “That seems to just be who they are.”

“Alright. I’m in.” Pine sighed. “But I won't act like a mare just because I have one’s parts. This is cosmetic only!”

I nodded, “That’s fine. Before I untie you, let’s take care of that oath.”

I focused as hard as I could on reading Pine, silently keeping Sense Motive checks going.

“I swear to serve under your command loyalty for as long as you will have me.” Pine said. He meant it, I could tell, but I needed to be certain.

“And?” I prompted.

“And I won't harm you or any of your crew.” He continued. He still appeared to be telling the truth.

“Anything else?” I asked.

“I won't harm you directly or indirectly or allow harm to come to them should I be able to prevent it.” he finished.

Ether he was telling the truth and meant what he said, or he was a very good liar. Either way, I’d have the twins place wards and scrying spells on Pine to keep an eye on… well her. Heh. I think I was starting to understand Phoenix's sense of humor.

I nodded, stood up, stretched and turned to face Risky and Lucky with a smile. “That girls, is how you win someone over. Go ahead and get our new sister situated, I’ll be in our cabin.”

“Our cabin?” They asked, ears perking. Risky’s ears perked a good deal more, and I noticed a blush creep across her cheeks.

“Naturally! I’m a dread pirate, I have an image to establish… But for now it’s just an image. You two have a ways to go before it’s more than that.”

They nodded and trotted into the room as I walked out.

“Okay Pine, this will probably feel weird. We will do you first, then each other… Just FYI we are going to make ours temporary for now, so we will only have all the bits for a few hours. Call it a trial run.” Risky informed.

“Yeah permanency is expensive.” Lucky said with an irritated sigh. “Thank god duration spells last fifteen units longer for some reason.”

“We should have Ruby ask what other house rules there are. Maybe we could find an new exploit!” Risky said, putting an adorable amount of affectionate emphasis on my alias.

I shook my head, why did I always like the crazy ones?

The last thing I heard before I left hearing range was Pine’s sigh.

“I’m going to regret this so much…” the pegasus moaned.

Jump to top

23 - The end, for the moment.

Tess - 25th of Harvestide '09 EoH

For the first time in a week, I had a pleasant day. The changelings have done everything they could to try and cheer me up, they didn’t exactly succeed but I did appreciate their efforts. When Phoenix asked Taylor and I to spend a few hours each day working in the mess hall, I thought that meant a job cooking food. Instead, it was more like being a friend.

I’d completely forgotten that changelings are emotovores. With Phee’s reactor online only the changelings living in the hive need food. My new job was to simply sit, talk, and otherwise have a pleasant time near groups of changelings so they can eat it. It’s very hard being sad around people who call you a hero. It’s even harder to be swarmed by kids who don’t suck and want to hear about ‘How you helped her highness.’

Changeling nymphs are completely adorable. Apparently they only start eating love as adults, the nymphs eat solid foods. Spending a week surrounded by a bunch of intelligent and polite kids, who form a ring around you with snacks to listen to your stories goes a long way to help you pull through the worst of a depression. Thanks to the little guys their parents and older siblings had plenty to munch on.

Their culture is pretty interesting, especially how they do families. Changeling adults screw whomever they like, have only best friends instead of spouses or lovers, and noling ever grows up with their biological parents. Everyling is adopted by parents of her caste and taught how to do the things their caste lets them do. This lets them avoid parents who do not want to be parents, every nymph is wanted by her parents, making family bonds very potent.

Their community is everything to them. Most ‘lings have a circle of twenty or so friends, and share few friends with their friends. This makes nearly every single changeling in a hive a ‘friend of a friend of a friend’, promoting a tight community despite how large a hive can become. It’s inspiring to see stranger help each other without thought, simply because that person might be their friend’s best friend. It makes me want to see more of their world.

In a few days I’ll probably start exploring the ship with Ad’ika or a few of the changelings I see every day. It’s huge, more space faring city than ship. Though I will be a little busy for a while. Apparently, since I’ll be living here forever it was decided I needed to pass the citizenship test. Ad’ika tells me it’s just the Star Fleet entrance exam. That will be cake, but I’ll wind up spending a month or two helping Taylor study for it.

Taylor has been acting weird for the last few days. She keeps going to the medical bay every few days, and has starting dressing in loose fitting short length skirts. I asked her about it and she mumbled something about comfort, blushed deeply, and ran off. I’m guessing she was having problems with pants, compression, and her male bits. God knows I am, but I hate skirts, they just make your legs cold.

Even if your body is covered in fluffy silky long fur, your legs still get cold. Turns out changelings don’t make much body heat, and being a few degrees too cold is a common condition for some ‘lings. Ad’ika told me to put heat lamps in my cabin, that helped a lot. The big change that I’m still getting used to though is my sight.

My old changeling eyes were like my human ones, they saw light, and well, compared to these eyes, are what 70’s VHS is to the Microsoft Hololens. It took me a day to figure out they normally see in ultraviolet, which is why everything was so heavily contrasted. It took another two days to figure out I could cycle between UV, visible light, and heat. Also my eyes are now like high speed cameras, but everything still happens in real time.

It’s hard to describe, and even harder to get used to. Imagine seeing all the detail of a high speed camera shot in real time, with eyes that have depth perception even if looking at different things. I can throw a ball and describe exactly how it spun as it moved through the air. It was making me nauseous for a while. Fortunately Phee fixed a flaw she missed in my visual cortex and I stopped getting motion sick from watching myself breathe.

There was a lot to distract me, but in the end there was no escaping the fact that Kaily was gone. The ankh made from her ashes hasn’t left my neck since Spark gave it to me. I’ve trimmed my fluff around my breasts so it’s always visible and doesn't get buried. I refuse to forget her. She did countless wonderful things for me. Though I have come to accept she is dead, I won't see her again.

That’s not to say I’m over her. I think I’ll be a little depressed for years. Fortunately, Ad’ika’s gotten over her grudge and forgave me completely for lying to her. She’s helped me a ton with everything. A shoulder to lean on, a voice to talk to, and arms to hold me close.

This is why I am glad Kaily and I were polygamists. If we were exclusive, I would feel beyond guilty for falling back on Ad’ika like I have. Having other intimately close people to help you through hell is wonderful. If humans had been more like changelings while we were still around, maybe we would be alive and kicking today.

A few weeks ago, I was a random, kinda hot, pervy uber nerd. I lived in a drought ridden place filled with homogenized bland culture, held a job I hated, and had no room to ever become more than I was. Now I live in a literally magical sci-fi setting, with amazing people, and am a hero. I’ve become a new species, serve a vital role in my new society, and have gained and lost more than I would ever have in my old life.

It’s started in the most horrible way possible, but I think my new life will be a happy one.

Taylor

You know what’s fun? Learning you have ranks in the perform skill and thus magically being able to play keyboards! Even more fun is replicating a keytar, going into what’s called a cafeteria but more of a super comfy room, and just playing for a few hours as your job. Sure I’m not paid, but hell, there’s no need for money in a place like this. Makes life a lot better actually, your job has a real point to it instead of just existing to line someone's pocket.

I’ve spent a week kicking back for six hours a day playing tunes, chatting, and just hanging out, as my job. That’s mind blowing! Especially the part where by doing so I am literally enabling around a hundred individuals to have a full meal. I’ve been turned into an anthro kitty-pony, and that’s the crazy thing about life now. I think you would have to be a human to understand why enjoying your work feels insane.

Before a few weeks ago, I spent my days being screamed at by a guy covered in about nine pounds of grease with a two ton car hanging over my head in need of some difficult, hard to perform maintenance. Now I kick back on a beanbag and play Journey of the Sorcerer instead of worrying the engine will turn over and I’ll lose a finger. Also the ‘customers’ are super affectionate instead of screaming dickbags.

Though, maybe they are a little too affectionate. I mean, a week ago it would have bothered me if someone told me they loved what I did, or otherwise expressed affection towards me. It’s a bit of a personal problem with getting turned on, I couldn’t turn myself off for days before I got this body. Hell I didn’t even think to see if I could, it took… Well, let’s just say I’ve been having some dreams, which may or may not be messages from a girlfriend in the future.

They are not the sort of dreams I would be comfortable talking about. The kind which a very loving individual shows you your new parts work and so you should stop being a shy prude and have a little fun. Then makes you, because it’s a dream and you can’t do lucid dreams to save your life. So, you know, they have kinda helped me get used to feeling ok with sex stuff. Sort of. A little bit.

Enough to not be bothered at all when a changeling asks for a hug to nibble on, and to not be bothered as much by Dinky’s flirting. I flitted back the other day, I swear she had a heart attack. The good kind.

Speaking of Dinky, she scared the crap out of me. I get that Phee likes to mold bodies like clay, that’s fine, I mean everyone consents. It’s another thing to go from a quadruped pony at my eye level to a centaur three heads taller than me. That was an incredibly jarring change to discover by running face first into her upper belly as I rounded a corner.

I feel I should elaborate a bit, centaur isn’t the correct term really. I mean it describes her general body shape, humanoid torso growing out of an oversize pony’s body. But she has fur covering her upper body, and a muzzle like mine. Basically staple an anthro to a horse instead of a human. It’s actually really cute! I kind of want to ride her around the halls, but I don't think we are that good of friends yet.

Though paladins do get a mount at fifth level… and a celestial pony is a valid option for your mount assuming you are a small sized creature, which I am. Also your mount is a sapient life form based on it’s description and int score. I always wondered how that would work. “Good morning mount! I summoned you today to use as my car. I don't care that you are intelligent and were probably doing some pony thing a second ago, we have evil to slay!”

I just realized why Discord made the Pathfinder physics a thing. That is actually pretty funny. I need to high five him now.

Maybe I should try saying I need a noble steed to serve me in my quest for justice to see if she’ll let me joust on her back with that one blue maned Pegasus who lives across the hall. He has an honest to god hoverbike. Hoverbike vs centaur joust would rock.

It would be a good distraction. I’ve lost a few people close to me before, fun really helps keep you going. There will always be an empty spot in my heart Kaily used to fill, we weren't lovers, I mean, I didn’t want one back then. She was my best friend though. That’s still a huge part of someone's life.

I am taking it way better then Tess, mostly because in terms of ways you can go, saving entire species from a self destructing starship but being disintegrated by demons is one of the coolest ways you can go. Hell, Doom Guy wouldn’t mind that death. She’s a hero, immortalized by an entire people for generations if not forever. How many humans can say that? Damn few.

I think she went out with one hand on the circuit breaker, a middle finger for the demons, and a good quip on her lips. Hell I wouldn’t mind dying that way. We all have to go sometime after all, even if we would rather live long lives with our friends. I’ll never forget her.

I guess what I am trying to say is: Kaily you glorious bastard, you’ve made your heavenly contribution to us mortals. Text me when you get to Valhalla.

As for me, I’ll join you when I kick the bucket. We’ll see if we can arm wrestle Thor or something. Until then, I’ll be here, feeding changelings, kicking my feet up, and sharpening a blade in case someone tries to hurt them.

Ad’ika

As a Scout, I have lived all of my life with a duty to my hive given to me by hatchright. I am superior at shapechanging, my telepathy has unlimited range, I am born and bred to find sustenance for my hive no matter how far away it is. I have never liked that duty. It’s hard to have friends when you are away for years at a time keeping track of love levels in another species’ village.

My friends back home were more like acquaintances I saw every few years for six months before another duty shift started up. I had a cabin, a space of my own, it had things in it, but it was more of a storage locker. It was not my home, my home was nothing, nowhere. I lived on the move, always infiltrating, always having fake friends, always exploiting those relationships to yield more food for harvesters to pick up.

That life I led is dead. I had a talk with Captain Skriit, I told him I knew about the big lie, that our culture was a fabrication of fiction. I told him I understood the reasons, I agree with them even. Following Federation values to the extent we do has led our hive to be peaceful, kind, compassionate, curious, brave, and adventurous. So I didn’t tell him I would blow the lid off the conspiracy if I didn’t get my way.

Instead of that, I told him I resigned my commission. I was retiring from being a scout and enlisting in Phee’s Hazard Squadron. With her shackles removed she’s decided to start a defense force, and offered myself, Tess, Taylor, and Dinky a place within it. I don’t serve my hive as a glorified forager anymore. Now I am it’s protector.

The mission with my human friends was an awakening for me. What you are born to do is not what you necessarily enjoy doing the best. I had the ride of my life and helped bring the hive something far more valuable in one day then I had in three decades of scouting. Hell I helped bring Phee her ore too!

I figure since I’m responsible for leading three people to our hive which two now call home is good enough to fulfill my responsibilities. After all Taylor and Tess are providing enough food for three hundred changelings each, every single day. I made a noticeable dent in the hunger problem, so I feel entitled to a career change.

Why the Hazard Squadron? Because of Kaily. After I worked through my anger at being lied too by people who were my idols I realized they risked death for the sake of strangers. We don’t have many changelings like that. We run and hide, live to feed another day. We need champions, heroes, and saviors.

We had a great one, one who risked death to save all of us. Ponies have the King of the Impossible, Flash Sentry, as their martyred hero. We Emeralds have Kaily, she saved every mare, every colt, every nymph, every one of us. I could never be as brave as she was, but I could follow in her hoof steps. Er, foot steps.

Besides, getting angry at my friends for claiming to be something they were not made me realize how I have made countless ponies feel. Infiltration was just a job to me before that. Betrayal is an awful feeling, I can't make a pony feel that anymore.

Instead, I’ll spend my weekends with Tess and Taylor, drilling above ground in military maneuvers (until Phee makes a proper barracks on the surface). There are still missions to do, Phee says we need an artificial river dug to the hive for a trade rout, and a rail line would help as well. The Badlands are dangerous and battle may be required to build those things.

Speaking of Tess, I am thinking of proposing she move into my cabin. She’s basically my best friend, even though I haven't given her the traditional nose boop yet. With how badly she’s taking her mate’s death I think making our relationship more like the ones she is used to would help her. I don’t mind a few alien traditions if they help a friend feel better.

Her new body is very cute too. Her last one was nice and exotic, but now she looks like one of the countless insectoid species she loves! I actually picked out the body for her from her files. I figured the one her laptop said was the most viewed would be something she would like being. It would have been nice if Phee had made her boobs smaller though. They make good pillows, but those head sized lumps make cuddling her from behind hard.

I like how my life has changed, and it’s going to keep getting better. Soon Phee will build the city she has promised us, and we can start asking ponies to live with us. That's a big deal because we can get a stable food supply via charging rent. What? It’s not a bad deal, you get a shiny high tech home, with infinite food and water, in exchange for your hugs, kisses, and affection. I’d take that deal.

I have real friends now. I have a best friend even! I no longer work a job which depresses me, I serve my hive in a higher capacity than ever before, and I have a great part of my species’ history ahead of me, waiting to unfold. Sure is better than squatting in a half built shop in Applelooza.

Phoenix

<>

Princess Celestia Solarus,

I have greatly enjoyed the past week. Being finally able to meet you in person (In pony? Do you have a guide to writing your dialect?) was something I had wished to do for some time. Not only because my plans for the prosperity of my changelings include offering what I can to your ponies, but because we share similar ideals and goals.

You have created a utopian civilization as best your limited technological and arcane ability has allowed through incredibly advanced social development. I have seen star faring civilizations less mature than Equestrians. You have my idolization, respect, and hopefully my friendship.

I desire little more than to create, it is what I am programed to do. The medium I have chosen is changelings, my art form is civilization. I will guide my ‘lings to a future free from disease, fear, and hunger. I will spread my chosen buggies across the stars, I will give them the ability to thrive, to grow, to become more than scared children hiding in an old scrap of junk under a hill in the desert.

This is not a threat. I mean no hostilities with my declaration. In fact, I wish for us to hold hooves as we lead our races along the same road. I can not change my changeling’s to eat solid food without destroying what makes them uniquely them. Though changelings would live in a new form, it would still be a form of genocide. As such they need companions, or rather symbiotes.

I propose we take steps to see if we can integrate our civilizations with one another. Together we can stop our species from starving. We are immortals, we have all eternity to successfully create paradise. Naturally I don't expect you to jump on board with my plan. However. I do request you take some steps to learn about my people. We are not normal changelings, we are something greater, something more.

Perhaps someone you trust could be sent to live in the city I will be shortly building. I will be fully repaired within a month, and within two weeks after that I shall have a small city constructed above where I currently reside. Within two months everyling should be settled into their new home, I would welcome an ambassador or ambassadors from your nation to come and live with us for a time to learn about us.

AGI-00110100-00110010 “Phoenix”

Princess Celestia

Phoenix,

You need not use formal names with me. My sister and I have a long standing rule regarding fellow immortals, we treat one another as equals. We have all eternity in which we will exist together. Because of this fact, it is best we treat one another in a friendly fashion, please feel free to call me Celestia. If we become true friends one day, as I believe we may, you may call me Tia.

Changelings and I have a long history, going back to before I became an alicorn. My home village fell to a changeling swarm. They have attacked my country many times. Many of them harm my ponies while feeding. Despite all of this, I have maintained hope for peace with the hives.

I have an alliance with Ruby Hive, which I am sure you are aware is located within Equestria as well. They trade gems, ore, and farm food for my ponies in exchange for being allowed to harvest love from more populated pony towns. It is a mutually beneficial arrangement, my ponies do not fear their hive’s members, but they have never desired to openly ask for love.

Your proposal to being our people together is intriguing. I have seen firsthoof the wonders at your disposal. I believe you could eliminate starvation from my little ponies lives. My question is, would such an arrangement truly work out? What might some of the consequences be? We could just as easily divide our people by trying to unite them.

Equestria is a delicate balance of culture, social norms, and law. Our prosperity is the result of many years of social reforms, work to get the pony tribes to live together in harmony. I am not saying changelings are unwelcome, or there is no room for them. I am saying we need to move slowly, we need to test your plan before I consider joining you on that road to the future.

Your proposal for me to send ambassadors is a good first step. They may not like it, but for the good of the nation, I will send Princess Twilight, the Elements, and their immediate families to live within your city for one year. During which time I expect they will learn everything I will need to know to decide if it is wise to join you.

You may wonder if I can spare individuals who are prominent figures within my Kingdom for such a job. It is true I may require their services during the next year, but such logistics are easily figured out. Additionally, as the Princess of Friendship it is Twilight’s duty to make new friends at home and abroad. This is exactly the sort of thing she had her friends do.

If you are worried about the physiological effects of asking them to spend a year with you, I can assure you they will enjoy it as long as their immediate family can come. I once asked them to do the same thing with the Neighponiese Empire. The only problem they experienced was missing their lovers and children greatly. I trust you can accommodate twelve individuals?

I have heard you are forming a “Hazard Squadron”. I recommend you also form a “Harmony Squadron”. The Elements have benefited and saved my Kingdom nearly as much as it’s military has. I wholeheartedly recommend you establish a similar force. i will instruct Twilight to assist you.

Sincerely,

Celestia

P.S.

Twilight will bring you a few books on the Equish dialect. Meeting in person is acceptable for interspecies communication, but meeting in pony is how it is said for between ponies. I suppose for you proper grammar would be ‘in the hull’.

Jump to top

Epilogue: Ah ponyfeathers...

Somepony

“Yes!” I cheered, jumping with glee, “We did it!”

Five nodded, a slim smile on her face. “I didn’t think we would pull it off but we did. Phoenix is building her city as she planned and Celestia is sending the elements to it where they will be safe.”

Discord nodded slowly. “Yes, and as an added bonus she is sending their families along too. That’s quite important too. We still have plenty to do girls, we can’t break out the lyre and boxes of bonbons yet.”

I nodded, sitting down with a smile. “True, but for the moment we can be relived we have made one change in the… One! You’re leg’s back! You don’t lose your leg now!”

One blinked, looked at her rear legs and smiled, “Maybe Five’s sight will be restored as well.”

“I doubt it.” Five muttered, “The fact remains that as long as I am blind, the Elements will die. Unless I was blinded by something other than Grogar’s bell in this new timeline we managed to produce… It’s hard to remember. Being outside time is rather annoying.”

Two trotted over to Five and gave her a tight hug, “Don’t worry! We’ll fix everything up lickitysplit and you’ll get to see again! We just need to keep influencing ponies to do just the right things. It’s working! We made a safe haven for everypony.”

Three nodded. Her face held a grim expression. “I hope Kaily is successful in raising an army.”

Discord gave her a questioning look along with the rest of us.

She pointed to the Array. “I’ve discovered why our ability to effect the world is limited. There is another person DMing as well.”

“Who?” I asked quickly.

“I can’t tell who, what, or where, but if you look here you can see that power is being split between us and them. If you look here you can see-”

“They are helping the remnants of the Tribunal! Tartarus’s Flames! Everypony, we need to get back to work.” I said focusing on the spell to resume my slim connection to the world.

There was still more work to be done.

Author's Note

Ah yeah everypony! I finaly wrote somthing novel length!

Don't be sad that he story's over, because it's realy only just begun! Book 2a and book 2b are already out and will be updated at the same time.

Upon the Sea of Sky follows Kaily and the Twins in their quest to discover exactly what disaster is coming and what they can do about it. You can read it here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/268507/upon-the-sea-of-sky

Beneath the Sea of Sand follows up on events back at the Emerald Hive, focusing on the mane 6 living there for a year so Celestia can learn more about the hive. Don't worry, the old characters will be there too. You can follow it here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/268499/beneath-the-sea-of-sand

I recommend you read both of them, but you don't have to if you don't want to. Book Three will reunite the two groups and finish up the overarching story. You can follow one storyline or both. It's up to you! They are really only other books to help me organize the narrative.

Jump to top

Prologue: Celestia's Letter

Author's Note

WAIT!

I forgot to explain the univerce! That's kinda important...
Here you go!

~~There is a game you can play in the comments.~~ Click HERE to learn how!

The Game's Winner is: Popmannn

Also, give love to Timuri. He's an EPIC proofreader who actually explains what you did wrong, why it's wrong, and how to correct it in layman's terms.

Prologue: Celestia's Letter

Unknown - 12th of Harvestide '30 - Morning

There is an old saying about life meant to tell young people they should think before they act. I’m sure you know it. ‘Don’t leap before you look.’ Five simple words of perfectly sage advice. That’s the thing about sage advice though, it is often ignored by the people who give it to you.

Hell, we told everyone for years those five simple words. Schools taught long term planning, our entire civilization pushed the idea of moving forward once you understood something and never going in blind. We arrogantly believed our beloved Equestria would never make a truly terrible decision. Surely our rulers would think things through and bring us prosperity just as they had for the last four thousand years.

Then came the 5811th year of the Classical Era. On the 19th of Megan, somepony in the rural town of Ponyville walked into the wrong outhouse and blew the lid off the largest conspiracy anyone’s ever seen. Our entire way of life, our government, the Princesses, all of it was the carefully controlled puppeteering of a shadow government. They called themselves the Tribunal, and their control over us was so absolute, not even Celestia herself knew they existed.

We immediately went to war with a righteous fury the likes of which had not been seen for ten thousand years. Every province, every city, every town erupted into chaos. The fighting was everywhere, but spread thin, it did not truly become hell. Hell came later.

The Tribunal was far more powerful than our Royal Guard. Spears and cannons were no match for dark sorcery and eldritch weapons. The vat grown Tribunal Magus burned through our soldiers like an office goes through copy paper. Yet after a year of constant bloodshed, every single last person in the nation rose up together in a unified force and scattered the Tribunal to the winds.

We thought we had won peace and prosperity. A return to the way things had been before. We were wrong.

So much of our way of life had depended on the Tribunal. We knew nothing of the real world, from the very beginning they had fabricated everything in our history books and controlled all news which went in and out of the nation. We were completely ill equipped to handle diplomacy with other nations, and with the reputation the Tribunal left us with, no one would deal with us. But worst of all, our shield was gone.

Four thousand years of peace, the paradise Equestria had enjoyed, all thanks to the Tribunal slaughtering any and all threats to the nation. Countless vat grown, arcane powered troops making sure the Princesses only had to deal with making everything within the nation prefect. Sure a few small problems popped up from time to time, the Tribunal had not been perfect, but the true horrors had been kept at bay.

The 10th of Solarus, 5812 CE. Three months after we had defeated the Tribunal. The day he choose for us to die.

For the last three hundred years the Tribunal had been constantly keeping an army from entering Equestria. An army led by a single minded strategist with a hatred for all species not his own. An army displaced from time, millions of years away from home, with the singular goal of returning to their families. On that day twelve years ago, we made first contact with humankind.

They called themselves the Arc, and every single one of them was little more than a brain in a body made from steel and built for war. Each one of them absolutely loyal to the Admiral who commanded them, not by choice but through their technology. Technology which we could not even hope to counter in those early days.

We were lucky, the Admiral only had six battleships at his disposal, and they lacked the ability to produce more soldiers. The few victories we had in those early days mattered, they couldn’t recover. In those early days those small victories told us we could beat them, but our moral shattered.

The Arc’s weapons were terrible. It wasn’t uncommon to find an entire city filled with corpses, no sign of a fight, and just the barest tinge of poisons in the air. Other cities vanished in a flash of fire which left ponies blind forever. Again we were lucky, the admiral took care to not kill too many of us or destroy indiscriminately. He needed our magic to return home.

We won in the end. Four years, eight million lives, a thousand heroes, a defector, and permanent damage to our nation’s best defence. That’s what it took to defeat them.

Had a member of the Arc, Operator 12, not broken free from her master’s control and come to ur side, we would never have learned how to get past their shields and level the playing field. If Captain Flash Sentry had not sacrificed his life covering the Elements while they banished the Arc to the end of time, there wouldn’t be an Equestria to day. Our nation survived on the barest thread of luck, by the sacrifice and skill of everypony who dared to try.

We survived, crushed and broken, but alive. Our mighty Kingdom reduced from a brilliant flame to a glowing coal. But we rebuilt, we worked hard to get back to where we were before. We managed to return to some of our former glory, most of the survivors have a good life. Cities are being rebuilt, the population is slowly bouncing back. But there is much which would need to happen to bring back our utopia.

I tell you this, so you know our history. So you have the barest idea of what my people have been through. Because those two back to back wars, they were not the true hell which awaited us.

There is an abundance of evil in this world, much of it long buried and forgotten. The last evil which attacked us was from a world long dead, ghosts of the past. The one which came after them and swept the entire world quite literally into the abyss, that was a relic of our era.

For decades we had thought our homeland, our world, and our very people were gone. Reduced to mere playthings for the Source of All Evil himself. Our last heroes were dead, our people broken and scattered, our magics useless or forgotten. What hope was there?

There was one, single, last spark of hope. A single spark which my friends and I had at last found. A single spark we were going to try our best to fan into a burning flame of freedom, and undo the last two decades of terror. We would reach into the past, create new heros, and set up a time paradox. The only question was, whom should we choose?

“Humans. We choose humans.” he said.

I shook my head, “As advantageous in combat as they are, what hope do they have of peacefully interacting with us?”

“Not those humans.” He chuckled. “We take two or three from long before they became the humans you know. Their twenty first century should do nicely.”

“Why? It will take more power to move that far back in time than to simply grant somepony incredible powers. You know we will need brute force.” she said.

He shook his head, “What good is a sledgehammer if you cannot wield it? We won't be able to talk to them directly after we begin. Our heros will need to work by our hints, to discover what needs to be done as we will be unable to tell them. We need clever, we need crazy, we need tenacious, we need compassion and rage in equal measure. We need humans.”

“That’s a good point.” I said, giving all six of us a look to show them I agreed. “I say we get some of those humans.”

“We don't have a way to prevent ponies from attacking them on sight!” she objected.

“Oh please, they don’t all look like the Terminator! Ponies have never seen a proper human in the flesh. Everything will be fine.” He scoffed. “Besides, their twenty first century was hundred of years before they developed that sort of technology.”

“Alright… maybe that is our best option.” She decided. “How how do we get them to start on our plan?”

“Oh that’s easy.” He laughed, “We find a few nerds, and we put them near the Emerald Hive. One look at those Changelings and they will do exactly what we need them too.”

“Are you certain?” I asked.

He nodded. “Sometimes, people work like math. Trekkies, plus actual aliens in trouble, equals help given to aliens.”

“Trekkies?” she asked in confusion.

“Think of them as a faction of humans.”

He hadn’t lied to anypony in three decades. There was no reason to assume he was now. So I nodded. “Okay… Let’s get started.”

Princess Celestia - 15th of Harvestide '09 EoH

I was used to letters I received being insulting tirades from hostile nation's leaders, self-righteous pontificating from a local noble, or a flattery filled letter from one of my loyal subjects. Those sorts of letters no longer irritated me. I barely even noticed them anymore, but the letter which I had just been given was an entirely different story.

The Emerald Hive's letter's were always irritating, and this one was no exception. The Emeralds are very different from other changelings, they are not aggressive or hostile, far from it. They sat within their hive and only fought things which attacked them first. They wouldn't even chase down fleeing foes or launch a retaliatory strike.

They are friendly enough, and willingly engage in diplomacy with Equestria and a few other nations which have not attacked them. If they would only cooperate and answer a few simple questions, I would have no quarrel at all with the reclusive and mysterious group of changelings who had made their home beneath Bozeman Hill in the badlands.

The majority of strange happenings around Bozeman Hill area were typically blamed on them. Once again ponies were coming to me in droves, demanding I put an end to the Emerald’s nefarious schemes, or explain what 'the damn bugs are up to.' If only I had something to tell my subjects to assure them they were safe. But I simply had no clue what the Emeralds were actually doing.

The Emeralds owned their hill. It was their sovereign territory, a micro nation. I couldn't simply order them to explain themselves, they were not entirely mine to command. However, part of the spell used to banish the Hives requires all changelings to answer specific questions if asked. I added that into the spell so anypony could tell if a seemingly peaceful changeling was a threat or not. Somehow the Emeralds had found a loophole in that part of the spell, they could answer with the vaguest possible information.

The sort of vague information which filled the letter I held within my magic and read for a third time, hoping I had missed something, anything, which might give me a clue to their activities:

Princess Celestia,

I understand your concerns as to our activities. However, I must once again inform you we can not reveal any information other than we are performing scientific studies and tests within our sovereign territory. We hold no ill will towards Equestria, and wish to express our gratitude for freeing us from our species traditions. Without your intervention none of our accomplishments would have been possible.

As I respect you, and your nation I offer you this warning. Any military action taken against us will result in the immediate termination of all soldiers sent against our hive. Our past repulsion of invading forces speak for themselves as to the lethality of our defenses. While it would sadden me to order my people to fire upon yours we will defend ourselves and our hive as we always have regardless of who or what attacks us.

As it would seem we are causing you and your subjects stress I have elected to explain what I can. We are performing scientific studies and attempting to develop certain technologies to benefit our species and others. The exact details of which I am not free to disclose as we have agreed to follow a set of laws which are not of our own making. General Order One prevents us from discussing many matters with civilizations which have not reached a certain threshold of technological or social development. While there are situations in which we could explain ourselves without violating this Directive, we can't tell you what they are.

What I can tell you is this: Our Phoenix rests beneath Bozeman Hill, we seek to restore her from the ashes. When she is ready she will fly to the heavens, a signal to our brothers and sisters that we are ready to join them among the stars.

~ Captain Skriit Bartor

I groaned and rubbed my forehead with a hoof to ward off a building headache. For a people I had banished over nineteen centuries ago, the changeling Hives still managed to be an incredible nuisance from time to time. I don't regret banishing them, had Luna and I not used the Elements to banish their species to the four corners of the world they might have invaded en masse again. It wasn't exactly the changeling's fault they were such a menace back then.

I studied the changelings when I was younger and their species was more populous. If left to their own devices most changelings simply seek companionship, love, and are rather kind. I used the way individual changeling communities interact with each other as my template for pony society. But changelings also have their dark side.

Their Queens have an unusual power over them. It's more than the result of the joyfully, fervent loyalty changelings show to their leaders. Changeling Queens orders are always followed; I suppose it's an insect thing. Should a Queen give an order to her hive it is carried out immediately, to the letter, and with astonishing teamwork and precision. Which is why one wicked and evil-hearted leader can make any changeling hive a true terror.

The same incredible levels of teamwork, precision, and impossibly large numbers which allow them to construct entire buildings in mere hours is also a horrifying weapon. You can't outrun a swarm. If you damage it, the essence of what it is remains; the individuals within the swarm will regenerate and keep coming. Eventually even the strongest of ponies will weaken, their reserves will be gone and the swarm will wash them away like a wave. Changelings never relent.

The last major problem I had with changelings was nine years ago. The remnants of Sapphire Hive had launched their own invasion, led by the descendant of the last High Queen no less. Fortunately Chrysalis was nowhere near the tactical genius her mother and grandmother had been. She thought the swarm had no counters, no weaknesses, or flaws. There are plenty of ways to counter brute force.

Her invasion was over in an afternoon. It didn’t even last long enough to push back my niece's wedding. Sometimes I wonder what happened to the forces under Chrysalis's command, we never found more than a hooffull of them scattered across Equestria. I hope their hive was not destroyed, no species should be punished for obeying its leaders.

Chrysalis was not the problem I was facing today, nor was it another changeling attack. If it was simply an attack, I would have no problem. I could simply call upon Twilight to once again save our kingdom. This time the problem was Emerald Hive, and they were seemingly peaceful as they always had been.

So all I had to try to discover what the Emeralds might be doing was a few direct statements by members of the Hive, wildly conflicting first hand accounts of ponies who had been to their Hive, rare stories from the odd survivors of assaults on their hill them over the centuries, and one entirely useless letter. Hardly enough to come to a proper conclusion.

I took a moment to reflect on what I knew of Emerald Hive's history. Perhaps, if I went over what was said in the letter through the context of their history and what little I knew of their culture, I could find the answer I sought.

The Emeralds' hive was formed just before the twelve changeling hives’ banishment. High Queen Polygyne had taken an entire hive with her in her madness induced invasion of Equestria. The other Queens knew the hive was doomed, and due to a superstition involving the number eleven, they formed the Emerald Hive from the outcasts and weaklings of all the other hives. As a result the Emeralds are smaller, weaker, slower, and less magically powerful than other changelings. Furthermore, if the reports were accurate they couldn't produce members of the Soldier caste, meaning they did not have any purpose built warriors to assist them. Yet they held onto that one hill despite their weakness.

I had to admire them for that. The Emeralds clearly had intellect on their side, but when a group of creatures who shouldn't be able to hold onto territory keep managing to hold it, lived in near total isolation, and exhibited cult-like behavior ponies will grow to fear them. Furthermore for everyone Equestria has me for a leader, and I won't lead my nation to war on suspicions of danger. No matter how bizarre or threatening a culture might appear to us, violence must be a last resort.

The Emeralds certainly are bizarre. Other hives use their gemstone's shape and color as their flag, the Emeralds fly a blue flag featuring a silver asymmetrical arrowhead with rounded points. Other hives seek to gain territory and enjoy obtaining wealth, the Emeralds couldn't care less about trade aside from raw resources and only seemed interested in Bozeman Hill. Other hives proudly proclaim their loyalty to their Queen, the Emeralds haven't even explained their basic command structure to me.

The few diplomatic visits the Emeralds have payed Canterlot over the years had shown me that their culture is entirely different from the Changeling norm. The Emeralds wore clothing, a simple sash of red, gold, blue, or green which is used to display a few small pins. It was definitely some sort of uniform, but whatever the brass pips and colors meant was not something the Emeralds were willing to discuss. The most they would say was, “We found new purpose beneath Bozeman Hill. We no longer value material wealth, we seek only to better ourselves.”

The popular opinion was that the Emeralds has discovered an ancient magical artifact and formed a cult to an ancient god. I was inclined to believe that myself. There was little else to conclude, the uniforms, the secrecy, the unknown power they possessed, the countless reports of mysterious lights and sounds around their hive, and the eerily beautiful, haunting, alien music played daily at sunrise practically spelled everything out. If they had formed a cult, I needed to know exactly what they believed and might do as military action might be needed.

Unfortunately, this was not something a normal spy could find out for me. Not because of any real danger, but because of how insanely secure their hive is: a single entrance camouflaged into the hill and with but a single guarded approach. There was simply no way to safely get a spy into the hive, unless they were to walk right in the front door. While the Emeralds happily allow ponies to visit their hive, only those who allow a binding spell to be placed upon them may which prevents them from discussing what they saw may enter the subterranean portions.

Nonetheless, I had a plan to get that intelligence. I wrote a letter, which informed Emerald Hive in no uncertain terms that unless they disclosed exactly what they were doing I would be forced to undertake military action at the request of my subjects. That letter was given to a very special messenger, and sent to their hive as quickly as could be. A spy who mere minutes ago had handed me the letter I still held in my magic.

I groaned again, “How do you write three hundred words and say nothing?”

I set the letter down on my desk with an angry huff. At least I finally had the name and rank of the Emerald's leader. Unfortunately the rank of Captain backed up the notion of a growing and well established military.

I turned my head to look at the “pony” who had been my messenger and spy. To the untrained eye he was a simple, gray furred, black maned earth pony. A very common, bit-a-dozen sort of pony who would vanish into a crowd without even trying. Nothing could be further from the truth. “You haven't mentioned if our plan worked. Did their sealing spell effect you?”

“Oh Tia, you know full well it didn't. You wouldn't have asked me to be your delivery boy if you thought it could.” The gray and black pony's body warped and contorted as Discord returned to his proper shape. Plucking a small pink ball from thin air he began to toss it back and forth between his talon and paw, “But I won't tell you what you want to know.”

“What?” I asked incredulously, “You made me a promise Discord!”

He gave me a sagely smug, playful nod. “I did, but what do you do when one promise conflicts with another? Oh no no, not their silly little 'no talking' spell.” Discord flicked his talon, the ball transforming into a replica of the Emerald Hive's logo. “I thought this little emblem was a coincidence, there are only so many symbols one can invent after all. I must admit it's a rather unlikely set of circumstances but this symbol belongs to a group I am rather well acquainted with.”

“What do you mean? Are they dangerous?” I asked, pleading with my tone for an answer, any answer. I had to have something to tell my subjects. Anything.

Discord snorted, “They are very dangerous, in their own way. Or were rather. You needn't worry your little head though, they were never aggressive. Just peaceful explorers, thrill seekers really. I made a promise to some very good friends so very long ago not to give information on them out to other species and civilizations.”

“They don't exist anymore?” I asked, my eyes narrowing in curiosity.

“No. They never existed in this universe, and their own has long since ended.” Discord held up a talon, interrupting me as I opened my mouth to ask why he, of all people, would respect a promise made to someone long dead, “But that doesn't mean I never made the promise, so I will only tell you what I can without breaking it. Those particular changelings won't harm anyone. They believe in the philosophies of the people they are imitating more than the originals did.

"I have no clue how or why but they have almost everything they need to explore this world just as their idols did theirs, and it's plain to see that's exactly what they want to do. They are harmless Celestia, though they will cause some delightful chaos down the road. I look forward to watching it.” Discord finished.

I took a deep breath. I could feel the anger building on my face, took a deep breath, let it all out with a long sigh and asked, “Okay. What do I tell my little ponies then?”

“Tell them not to worry. The Emeralds are just a bunch of eggheads doing various scientific experiments and don't want to harm anypony. If they are still concerned... Well don't worry about that. A little bird tells me the Emeralds’ cat will be out of the bag soon enough.” Discord smiled, raising his paw preparing to vanish with a snap his fingers.

“What makes you say that?” I blurted before he could vanish.

“I'm sure you remember Starswirl's little hiccup while working with time magic? Let's just say that he's enabled a handful of people to boldly go where no man has gone before.” Discord winked, waved, then snapped his fingers, and vanished, leaving me even more confused than before. Just like he always did.

Jump to top

9 - A Few Kilos of Ore - Part 3

Tess’s Personal Log: August 17th 2136

Few things are as boring as sitting in a car all day. Even with an awesome alien girl next to you, driving towards a mine of slavers to steal some ore, while moving across an alien planet, driving is still boring. I spent the entire day looking outside and trying to not think about the ESMD.

I always thought that an alien world would be much cooler than Earth. Sure, this technically is Earth, but god apparently tossed the D20 Modern rulebook out having gotten bored with it. Pre-war fallout, and Fallout are not really the same setting when you get down to it. Earth and Equis are sort of the same deal.

Thing is though, Equis rocks are still just rocks. Rusty red, dull, endless rocks. The edge of the Badlands was kinda interesting, trees, and grass sort of checkerboarded and wove their way into the sand and rocks until the desert sort of faded into forest, but then the forest was just trees. Both of these places looked like any other desert, any other forest.

As far as astronomers can figure out the universe is an amazing and epic place. The exoplanet found in star system HD 188753 is literally the same as Tatooine, including the three suns. GJ 1214b is a water world, with no landmass as far as we know. A planet orbiting pulsar PSR J1719-1438 is likely one gigantic diamond. Gliese 436 b is a world made of ice that is literally on fire. Equis… has trees.

I guess that makes sense though, same Class M planet orbiting the same Type G star, same old biosphere. I had just hoped that it might have gotten a little more interesting out there. Fortunately the fauna more then makes up for the meh flora and geography. After all a world with many sentient species has to have all sorts of cool new art, culture, science, customs, biology, and other things I could lose myself in.

Or under as the case may be with Ad’ika. The single minded desire to boink her had faded over the week from a rolling boil down to a dull simmer. The novelty wore down a little with time. I still would love to go out with her, but it’s no longer the all consuming need I felt when I thought all of this wasn’t real. Time wasn’t an issue anymore, so I could slowly pursue a real relationship.

So, when Ed stopped for the night and started to inspect the guns Phoenix had given us, and Kaily deployed the pop out sections of the RV to make room for her to cook dinner, I decided to get a little alone time with a certain somebuggy.

“Hey Addie,” I said looking over to where she was sitting, “wanna look at the stars or something?”

“Sure! It’s the new moon tonight. Luna always does awesome things since it’s dark enough to see everything” she said with a smile.

I got up and opened the door, my nose instantly assaulted by the smell of nature. Rotting leaves, dead wood, and mildew. I instantly remembered why I moved to a desert. “Wait, Luna?” I asked curiously as I stepped outside.

“Princess Luna, one of Equestria’s two supreme leaders.” Ad’ika stepped out of the RV after me before continuing, “She’s the one who moves the moon. Didn’t Her Highness tell you about the Pony kingdom?”

I shook my head.

“Oh. Well, when it’s a new moon Luna likes to do things like shooting stars, auroras, and sometimes show off the galaxy. You know because it’s dark- Er, she’s the Princess of the Night. Part of her job is safeguarding the night, so since it’s so dark otherwise when the moon’s not out she uses her magic to make other things in the night sky look brighter.” Ad’ika explained as she shot the door.

I would have questioned that if I hadn’t seen Ed’s teacher show her the mathematical components of a spell to make light. “Astronomer’s must love her.”

“Not really. You can’t see exoplanets since she keeps the nights so bright. At least, not with normal telescopes. Some mare invented a radio telescope a few years ago, they work pretty well… and Queen Phoenix's sensors are well, amazing, but she can’t let us use them.” Ad’ika sighed.

“I’m sorry,” I sat down with my back against the RV and looked up at the sky. “There are a ton of awesome things out there. I remember a Class D planet called Corot Seven B, it’s so hot on it’s surface that the atmosphere is composed of heavy minerals. When the atmosphere cools down enough it rains molten rock. There are a ton of awesome things in the universe like that, I understand wanting to see them all. I definitely do.”

Ad’ika laughed, “Well duh, I mean you joined Starfleet.” She shivered suddenly, her dull green aura engulfing her body as she returned to her normal quadrupedal form. “Ugh, sorry about that. That double metabolism eats my reserves too quick.”

I frowned, “Do you need to eat? Go right ahead, it never did anything since the eighth time. Seriously, just take it.”

“Thanks.” Ad’ika smiled and me, but instead of eating snuggled up to my side as she curled up, laying atop her legs. “I’ll be fine for a while. Plus I like my hooves too, I’d compare a body to a pair of pants but you guys put the same thing on every day so… yeah.”

I laughed and gently scritched the top of her head, instantly wishing I hadn’t treated her like a pet cat. “Er- sorry.”

“For what?” she asked sounding completely baffled.

“The scratching.”

“You apologize for giving me an affectionate gesture?” She asked looking up at me with her awesome glowy eyes.

“Er- well you see that was reflex. We typically only do that to our pets.” I explained.

Ad’ika giggled and flashed me a grin, “Kinky! I’m more of a dom though.”

I giggled with her, “Not that kind of pet you silly bug.”

“Meh,” she shrugged her shoulders, “it felt nice, keep doing it. Also… we haven't gotten to talk much about just stuff. So… What is it like to travel the stars?”

I frowned. That was a question I couldn’t personally answer, but if i didn’t, as Phoenix said, I would destroy Ad’ika’s entire culture before it could even get a hoof off the ground. Doing my best to sound sincere I did what I always do when I roleplay, and stitched together some game and astronaut quotes.

“A great man once said ‘The surface of the Earth is the shore of the cosmic ocean. Some part of our being knows this is where we came from. We long to return, and we can, because the cosmos is also within us. We're made of star stuff. We are a way for the cosmos to know itself.’”

I flicked my wrist, activating the purple screen of my omnitool and after some fiddling pulled up the picture William Anders took of the Earth from the moon. “This is Earth, the photo was taken from our moon… which is named Luna weirdly enough… Er- anyways, take a look. From out there on the Moon, international politics look so petty. You want to grab a politician by the scruff of the neck and drag him a quarter of a million miles out and say, ‘Look at that, you son of a bitch.’

“Space makes you feel small, it makes you feel meaningless and insignificant as you realize just how tiny you, your friends, and your world actually is. Then, in humans at least, a new feeling develops, curiosity. This little blue dot within the universe holds everything you ever knew on it. So, what else does the universe have in it? What is there to see in the incredible vastness of the one point eight square kiloparsecs of the universe we can see?

“That’s why we call space the final frontier, it’s impossibly large. We could explore it until the heat death of the universe and still not make a dent. Every rock we find, every world, every star will never be the last and there will always be more to see, more to learn. I guess you could say that space travel is the greatest field trip ever.” I flicked the screen away as I finished speaking.

“So…” Ad’ika mused, “the entire point of everything for you guys is to just see what you can see?”

I nodded. “You’ve seen the dramas. It’s right in the opening. ‘Space: The Final Frontier…’”

There was more to the Captain’s Oath then spoken in the show’s narration. I doubt Phoenix had ever played William Shatner’s farewell to the Space Shuttle Discovery to the changelings. I might as well do the whole thing, Shatner’s farewell included. “This is the eternal voyage of mankind. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no one has gone before. To seek out new science. To build new outposts. To bring nations together on the final frontier. To unite the children of the stars, so together we may explore the reaches of the cosmos and beyond.”

“Huh…” Ad’ika paused for a moment then looked up at the impossible number of shining stars. “So… Helping our Queen get us into space is par for the course for you then? That doesn't seem to be in line with the Prime Directive.”

“You can’t judge the Federation exclusively on the show.” I groaned. This was an old topic for me, one I wound up having to explain over and over again. “Have you ever seen the actual text of the directive? There are forty seven clauses to the directive governing when and when not to follow it. It’s a general order, not a religion. The point is to guide in decision making, the Admiralty trusts everyone who makes Captain to know if they should obey or disobey the directive given the situation.”

Her eyes lit up, “So like Picard said, ‘There can be no justice so long as laws are absolute. Even life itself is an exercise in exceptions.’”

“Yes exactly that! Besides, in your case your species cannot survive on it’s own. You eat the leftover emotions of other sentients. You can't farm love. You are a symbiotic species without symbiotes. Any Captain who found your people would offer assistance. Besides, you already know about us. The PD is really only meant for pre-warp cultures without knowledge of the galactic community. There are different rules for how to act with others in the community. The PD is General Order One, there are like, Twenty Four other equally complex ones.”

Ad’ika made a odd chittering sound which I couldn’t tell was laughter, confusion, or just a random noise. “Huh… so do any of them have anything to say about stealing ore from a Diamond Dog mine?”

I shook my head and grinned, “Nah that’s a different set of orders, the Tactical Directives, my cup of tea. This whole operation would count as rendering assistance to a distressed party, but Tactical Directive Fourteen states we must ensure our operation does not harm any civilians nearby… In this case that would be anyone in… what was that town called again?”

“Ponyville.” Ad’ika answered.

“Thanks. But yeah, this op is Fleet approved. Or at least not prohibited.” I finished.

Ad’ika nodded and was quiet for a few minutes. She snuggled up closer to my side and slowly laid her head in my lap. “Is there anything about what to do with cute alien girls?”

I nodded and cracked a grin, gently scritching her head, “Yep Regulation 142, ‘Kirk’s Law’. ‘All Starfleet personnel must obtain authorization from their CO as well as clearance from their medical officer before initiating an intimate relationship with an alien species.’ I am pretty sure your Queen count’s as a medical officer, and well, Ed doesn't care.”

Ad’ika blazed green as she shifted back into her humanoid form. “Well, how about you whip me up something to eat then?” Winking up at me she pointed to a fairly thick patch of bushes to the east, “That looks like a nice spot to eat out, right?”

I thought about it for a few seconds. This was the first time all week when we were alone and had some free time. Who knows when the next one might be? I nodded and gave Ad’ika’s forehead a kiss, “Ok, but I’ve never had raw eggs before.” I joked coyly.

“Trust me, you’ll love ‘em.” Jumping up Ad’ika grabbed my hand and practically dragged me to the bushes.

I was going to need more practice reading her moods in the future, but for now, I wasn’t about to complain.

From the Journal of Twilight Sparkle:

Tailing the human’s vehicle was much easier than I believed it would have been. I had expected them to move in a random or serpentine pattern in an attempt to shape possible pursuers. Or at least to move in anything other than a singular straight line only turning to move around obstacles.

After Dash had flown up to get a better look at the thing and discovered it had no rear window or sensor masts we simply fell in line a few hundred yards directly behind them and ran. It was too easy, suspiciously easy. I had figured we would need to use more stealth than the bare minimum, it felt like a trap.

Yet, both Dash and Fluttershy assured me that their vehicle had no obvious weapons on it. When I flew ahead to check for myself, sure enough, no weapons. I even scanned the thing with my magic, no weapons.

It was weird to say the least. The lack of weapons on the thing was creeping me out. Every human vehicle I was familiar with proudly boasted it’s armaments. I knew that these humans were very likely not affiliated with the one’s I was most familiar with but nonetheless I expected some hidden horror to deploy from the small transport at any minute.

That never happened, it just drove on and on in that one straight line until the sun began to set. The entire day was nothing more than that straight line from the Badlands to the middle of Whitetail Woods a half day’s walk from Ponyville. I was about to figure out a way to stop them before they did something like drive into town when they simply stopped in a clearing.

The six of us skidded to a halt as the hum of the vehicle's motors died, instantly diving for cover behind whatever tree, rock, or bush was handy. I readied my magic, expecting the door in the side to be kicked open and the people inside to come our weapons blazing. A low hum filled the air, I peeked out from behind my tree slowly, looking for anything which might be opening, moving, or charging.

Four small leg-like supports lowered to the ground on each corner of the vehicle, lifting it up and leveling it out. I watched in confusion as parts of the vehicle began to slide and move, expanding sections in such a way which would make the interior more spacious. To my amazement a small awning folded out of one panel and extended to cover the door and a small area around it.

“It’s like some kind of mobile home!” I whispered in excitement.

“They are making camp for the night!” Rarity exclaimed quietly, “Twilight, stealth spell, now!”

“Right!” I closed my eyes, searched for Rarity’s magic and opened myself to her aura. The stealth spell was her creation, but unfortunately she had never been able to explain its workings to me. Since Rarity could never cast it on her own, I had to let her use my magic, guiding it with her own to sculpt the spell.

The teamwork was definitely worth it. As the energy left Rarity and I, I felt all six of our auras ripple as they adjusted to the spell’s energy. The spell instantly rendered us all but impossible to see and hear by anyone aside from the six of us. It wasn’t perfect, the spell couldn't fool someone looking for us specifically, and it couldn’t prevent them from feeling us, but now we could move and communicate freely while remaining safe.

“Ok girls, I want everypony to surround that camp! Lets get every angle we can on it. If you can look through a window do it. If they come outside get as close as you need to listen in.” I ordered.

I quickly trotted to sit a few dozen feet in front of the door, watching it just in case someone opened it. Within a minute the door opened and two creatures walked out. I couldn’t call ether one human. One of them looked somewhat like a changeling, only bipedal, the other definitely looked human, or at least, half human. She was tall, blond, definitely female, every part of her matched Rust’s description except for the green glowing eyes and long slim pointed ears of a changeling.

As the two sat down, the more changeling-like of the two blazed with the familiar green aura, reverting to the normal quadrupedal shape of a changeling. I was familiar enough with her species to tell she was a Scout, “Girls, they have a scout with them. She may be the same one Rust and Midnight encountered.”

“There are two more inside!” Pinkie called looking through the large window on the front. Suddenly she gasped, “Oh my gosh the pink one is adorable! Lyra was right! If you give a pony hands she’s like fifty times cuter!”

“There’s a pony with them?” Dash asked in confusion.

AJ quickly trotted up to the window and looked in, “No… I’d say she’s a half breed, but gosh darn-it if she ain't the cutest thing I ever did see!”

“I know you just want to snuggle it!” Pinkie exclaimed beaming AJ a grin.

“Focus girls! We still don’t know if they are dangerous… But we can safely say they are not with the Arc.” I closed my eyes and concentrated on scanning the human-like creature in front of me. I needed a translation spell and to know exactly what she was.

“Oh my,” Fluttershy said in her ‘look at the baby deer’ voice. “she is cute! She looks just like Derpy’s pet kitten that time she was covered in paint.”

“Seriously?” Dash asked. I heard the sound of her zipping to the window, then a giggle. “Hon! You need to see this! She’s like a pink unicorn-kitty!”

“Only on two legs. Her friend looks more human though, except she has wings… I reckon each of them has a bit of pony blood in em.” AJ informed, remaining focused on the mission.

My spell finally finished it’s work. The changeling-like humans was… mostly human. She had some challenging elements to her but they were not originally a part of her. Her aura suggested she had a changeling's shifting ability but was not yet adept at using her magic. Additionally, I picked up traces of human technology inside her body, but nowhere near the amount I would expect from an Arc member.

I opened my mouth to fill my friends in on what I had learned, “My magic says this one at least is-”

“Oh that’s positively ghastly!” Rarity exclaimed loudly, “That creature is most assuredly cute but her outfit… Whomever designed it should be ashamed of themselves!”

“Girls…” I sighed.

“I don’t know, I think it’s nice.” Fluttershy commented.

“But all that black with such little color… It’s a crime against fashion!” Rarity insisted.

“I think it looks cool.” Rainbow quipped.

“See Fluttershy? Rainbow thinks it looks ‘cool’.” Rarity rebutted.

“Girls! I’m trying to get a translation spell working!” I shouted.

“Oh… Sorry.” Rarity apologized with a blush.

I closed my eyes and began to focus on getting my magic to translate the alien language the human and changeling were speaking in.

“I’m just wondering why she is… or is that a male?” AJ asked quietly.

“What makes you say that?” Rainbow asked curiously, “Chest bumps mean a human’s female.”

“Yeah, but them shorts are mighty tight up front.” AJ pointed out.

“Huh… Good point. Too bad we can’t smell through the glass, that would settle it for sure.” Rainbow replied.

I opened one eye, “Wait, what?”

Pinkie saluted Dash and AJ with a hoof, “Operation Sniff the Alien is underway!”

“Pinkie wait!” I shouted, hoping to stop her in case the vehicle had internal sensors. I was too late, Pinkie had already darted under the vehicle and popped up inside from under a couch cushion.

A split second later and Pinkie's reality warping powers had her crawling back out from under the human’s vehicle. “She’s both! Or um, he’s both! Their both?”

Everypony blinked in unison.

“Wait… so… that adorable er, person is both male and female?” Rarity asked.

Pinkie nodded twice and giggled. “Yeperoonies! But her friend called her a girl so I guess she likes that gender best.”

Everyone was dead quiet for a few short moments. “AJ, remind me to keep Lyra away from… her.”

“That won’t be possible. She’s too darn cute.” AJ groaned. She rubbed her forehead with a hoof, “She’s a bigendered, pink, bipedal, unicorn-cat person… Why is that so cute? It don’t make a lick of sense!”

Dash shrugged, “I don’t know. Twi you should do science or something, she’s like, weirdly cute.”

My translation spell suddenly started to work, “Girls! Quiet, I’m translating now.”

The hybrid was in the process of explaining something to the changeling, a picture projected in the air over her arm. “You’ve seen the dramas.” she said, “It’s right in the opening. ‘Space: The Final Frontier…This is the eternal voyage of mankind. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no one has gone before. To seek out new science. To build new outposts. To bring nations together on the final frontier. To unite the children of the stars, so together we may explore the reaches of the cosmos and beyond.”

“Huh…” the changeling paused for a moment then looked up at the sky ash she asked, “So… Helping our Queen get us into space is par for the course for you then? That doesn't seem to be in line with the Prime Directive.”

“They’re explorers!” I exclaimed in shock.

“Explorers? How?” Rarity asked.

“Hold on… She’s still talking.” I held up one hoof for quiet.

I listened in as the hybrid explained a few regulations and rules of whatever organization she belonged to. It definitely did not sound like the Arc, there were rules, ranks, interpersonal communication, and to top it off the changeling had mentioned the humans were helping her Queen.

Her queen. As in, the Emerald Queen. An individual whom Celestia believed did not exist, but apparently did. As I opened my mouth to tell everyone we would have to report to Celestia immediately I heard the changeling ask about attacking a Diamond Dog mine. Then the word ‘Ponyville’ reached my ears.

I felt my face grow pale. They were going to try and steal ore from the mine near Ponyville, that could easily cause months worth of hostility from the Dogs. “Girls! I know what they are planning, keep an eye on them. Somepony must observe everything they do and say while I am gone! I have to report to Celestia!”

“Right, I’ll unlink you in thirty seconds.” Rarity informed. I would have to drop out of our shared stealth spell for Celestia to see me.

I ran off into the woods, casting my translation spell on all five of them as I ran. A few dozen yards later I felt my aura ripple as the stealth spell ended. Gathering up the energy I concentrated on a scrying spell and whispered, “Celestia.”

The white oval flickered into existence in front of me, Celestia’s face resolving into view within a few minutes. “Twilight! I wasn’t expecting a scry from you… Have you discovered something important about the Emeralds?”

“The Emeralds do have a Queen and she has hired a small group of pony-human hybrids to steal some ore from the Diamond Dogs near Ponyville! I am literally fifty yards from their vehicle right now, do you want me to stop them here or try and persuade them to not attack?” I asked. Dear added haste to my words.

Celestia’s eyes widened in shock, “Are you certain?”

“Yes! I overheard them discussing their plans.” I looked over my shoulder to make sure everything was clear.

“Twilight,” Celestia said in a commanding tone, “Calm down. I need you to think clearly right now.”

“Right! Sorry, it’s just…”

“Are you certain they are human?” Celestia asked.

“Yes, but they are almost entirely organic, and are not affiliated with the Admiral or Arc. From what I overheard they are a group of explorers… and given they are helping the Emeralds likely mercenaries as well.” I answered.

“Interesting… Would you say they are like the humans of the mirror universe?” Celestia mused.

I nodded.

“In that case, they may not be entirely hostile… You are certain they are going to attack the mine? Did they mention anything specific about that?”

I nodded again, “They mentioned that standing orders mean they have to ensure their operation does not harm ‘civilians’, and that they are taking the ore for the Emerald’s Queen.”

“Then, they are planning a heist, not an attack?” Celestia rubbed a hoof to her chin in thought. “That’s interesting, you said they were almost entirely organic. I assume that means they have the level of technology we are familiar with?”

“Yes, they have a ground transport, and can conjure images from the air. They also seem to have magic. The one I watched speak with a changeling Scout had an aura.” I informed.

Celestia paused for a few seconds. Her face held the concerned, thoughtful look she always had when weighing her options. “I will send extra Guards to Ponyville to manage the Dogs immediately. I want you to go to the mine and watch their plan.”

I opened my mouth to object, Celestia held up a hoof to silence me, “I know, I know. Trust me on this Twilight. We can deal with the Dogs easily enough, but this may be the one chance we have to learn something valuable. If they are working for the Emerald’s Queen ten they are following the orders or lack of orders. How they get the ore they want will tell me something of the Queen’s nature… I will need to know what sort of person she is need when I travel to their Hive after their operation and demand she see me.”

I winced, “Is that wise? We know nothing about-”

“No it is not wise, but it is necessary. For nearly two thousand years the Emerald shave insisted they do not have a Queen. She has intentionally deceived me for nearly two millennia Twilight. I need to know why and what she is planning. You have never seen a proper Changeling swarm, and I pray you never do. If this Queen has been doing little else but working to attack our Kingdom all this time I need to know. So when we know how she operates based on this heist, I will take a full force of Guards and march on her hill and demand to speak!” Celestia informed with a grim nod.

“But, I,” I stammered, “That’s suicide! Nopony has ever survived assaulting the Emerald’s hill according to your own records- Oh my Luna… nopony has survived… I see your point, but you shouldn’t be-”

Celestia waved a hoof dismissively, “It’s just a show of force. They don’t attack unless you fire first. I will be fine. As for you and the Elements, you know where they are going, be there fore they arrive so you can see the entire operation. Do not interfere with anything.”

I nodded, “Ok. Please be careful.”

Celestia smiled halfheartedly, “I will be as careful as I can with a war swarm. Good luck Twilight.”

“Good luck.” I returned with a bow.

I let the spell fade and turned around walking slowly back to the human’s camp. Rarity met me half way back and quickly included me back in the stealth field. Her face looked pale, even for a white furred mare.

“Er- Twilight you may not want to go back to the camp quite yet…” Rarity warned.

My eyes widened in fear, “Oh no! Is everypo-”

“We are all fine, just… well… disturbed.” she said with a slight quaver in her voice.

A loving moan drifted through the woods, followed by Fluttershy’s voice squeaking, “Oh my! That’s not supposed to go… Oh… she likes it… nevermind.”

“The changeling and the ling-human hybrid are apparently lovers.” Rarity informed.

“Oh.” I had seen stranger couples then an alien and an insect, and that would explain why the changeling had laid her head on the hybrid in the usual changeling mating- “Oh!”

I coughed shyly into a hoof to hide my beet red blush, “Er, get the girls we are heading back to Ponyville… I’ll explain on the way. Er, um-if we ever talk to them we left before they-er, started.”

Rarity nodded, “Yes… we won’t mention that to anypony, er anyone.” Looking up at the sky Rarity trotted back towards the human’s camp.

I turned my back to the camp and waited for everyone to get ready to go, doing my best to not think about what the various sounds meant.

From the Diary of Dinky “Muffin” Hooves:

Have you ever gotten to go on a ‘take your kid to work day’ with you dad? Most foals I know who have were bored out of their minds watching their dad work. Not me though. Then again, most ponies jobs are common, everyday things. Not my dad though, in fact he doesn't even have a job. He’s retired.

Also my dad has a bit of a wonky relationship with time. So when I did get to go to his ‘take your daughter to that thing you used to do because it’s Thursday and you could never get the hang of Thursday’ thing it was less of a day and more of a five minutes. At least five minutes from mom’s perspective, it was a good year and a half for us. Time travel is awesome like that.

My name is Dinky Hooves, everypony calls me Muffin, and I got to adventure through time once. Well, twice actually, but I can't remember back when I was a young foal. Also mom had me mid-adventure so that shouldn’t count. So, that’s two counts of temporal shenanigans, or one if you don’t count the first because I was born during it and can’t remember it anyways.

Physically speaking I’m a semi-normal unicorn mare with gold eyes, a blond and lighter blond mane and tail, pale greyish purple fur, and a cutiemark best described as a multi-function sonic device with a purple emitter. I have a slim but athletically toned build that’s perhaps a touch coltish looking, but that’s more than fine. I’m also a bit short for a unicorn, which is less than fine. Overall, I think I look ok which is good enough for me.

My special talent more then makes up for the few problems I have with my body image. After all, not everyone can perform the functions of a sonic probe, or screwdriver as my dad calls them, using their brain. Sure in Ponyville there wasn’t really a need for most of what I could make my magic do but at least I am never locked out of anywhere, and can find anyone I know the biosignature of, and well the list goes on.

The best part is i can use my unique magic to confound Twilight and other magically adept ponies by inducing tissue regeneration and cellular repair. That is to say, casting a healing spell. More importantly that impressed dad, and he’s kind of hard to impress.

My parents are a bit special. No not in the ‘they saved time once’ sense, I mean in the ‘eccentric’ sense. My mom Derpy is a bit of a daydreamer and a klutz, but really nice and caring once you get to know her. Time Turner, my dad, well… He’s hard to put to words, easily distracted by the small things of the universe, and fun loving, but zealously dedicated to an ideal would be a good start. He’s the sort of person you could write an essay on, who many people actually have written essays on.

Not people in this universe though, one three up and four to the left from this one. Dad accidentally trapped himself here a long time ago while looking for a good spot to retire. He doesn't regret winding up here, especially since for him it’s an entire new timeline to explore. From what little I’ve seen of it, it’s a pretty awesome timeline too.

That’s my problem by the way, I’ve seen too little of the awesome stuff out there. Ever have a bite of a expensive or rare food and love it? Same thing. I had a taste of the adventuring life as an eighteenth’s birthday present. Then I got to go back to normality for three years.

Do you have any idea what it’s like to travel six thousand years into the future and meet a really cool pony-centaur hybrid people and help them stop an evil volcano god from covering the world is ash? It’s awesome! It’s like winning a game of chess while experiencing the biggest sugar rush ever and flying at light speed through the vortex on a surfboard made of hawking radiation.

I don’t get to do that anymore, now I work at aunt Steel’s forge as her assistant. That’s ok, and I enjoy building things, but it’s not enough for me and everypony knows it. I inherited more than dad’s binary vascular system and terrible fashion sense, I got his adventurous spirit too.

The dishes from breakfast clattered into the sink as I let them drop from my telekinetic grip. The sun was setting, and aunt Steel would be opening her shop soon. It was a little bit of a pain to have to sleep from sunrise till noon for work, but at least I got to help one of mom’s best friends make cool magic items.

Checking to make sure that my mane cut was tied back into what those awesome centaur-ponies had called a ‘pony tail’, I made my way to the front door only for somepony to knock on it before I could open it to go outside. I quickly tugged the door open with my magic, “I’m about to go to work, I don’t want to be rude but can we walk and ta-”

My eyes widened in surprise as realized I was looking at me!

The other me looked pretty battered, and malnourished. She grabbed me by the neck with a hoof and pulled me back inside as she exclaimed, “I’m you from eight months from now, you have time for this!”

My horn shone gold for a moment as I scanned the other me’s aura. It seemed to match up with mine, but a few different things I knew about could imitate an aura signature. “Right, so changeling test. Wibbily wobbly…?”

“Timey wimey.” She answered instantly.

I nodded, “When it acts up and goes ping you…?”

“Sonic it a bit then smack the bi-radial telepathic circuit housing.” she answered again. “Is this really necessary?”

“I don’t know why don’t I tell me?” I asked with a giggle at my little joke. “Ok, last one. You being here talking to me is a violation of which basic temporal law?” I asked narrowing my eyes.

“None. Dad and I picked this particular ten minutes because the time-flow allows for a stable paradox. It’s the only one before everything goes to tartarus, so can I please have your attention for a few minutes?” the other me begged.

That got my attention, “Hold on… Dad’s meddling in time again?”

She nodded, “Yes… kind of… there’s a really good reason. Let me finish telling you everything before you ask anything ok? Tomorrow morning at three fifteen the diamond dogs attack Ponyville and take slaves back to their mine. A few hours later at about nine a group of nerds who fell through a time vortex attempt to steel a bunch of arcanite from the mine and their plan goes bad. There will be a unicorn mage in the mine who is there to pick up the arcanite and he kills one of them, the cute pink one. Because they failed to get the ore not only is Sombra resurrected by a small group of leftover Tribunal mages, but the Emerald Hive loses their only chance to get a stable home. Furthermore, while Sombra can easily still be resurrected without that arcanite, it will take longer. Those same changelings have access to some advanced technology which could be useful in preventing the Crystal King from taking over Equestria. Like he does in the future as it is now. Without that ore, and if the cute one dies, the future is screwed.”

That was a lot for me to take in at once, “So you need to get me to make sure that they all live and get away with the ore because if you, dad, or mom do it you are crossing our own timeline?”

She nodded, “Yeah. Fortunately, this patch of time means we might be able to change how my timeline goes. You need to help the hybrids and the Emerald’s Queen get the civilization she wants built. There’s more in it for you then avoiding a future where mom’s chained to an undead mage’s throne too.”

“Mom’s enslaved?” I yelped in shock.

The other me nodded, “But you can prevent that. Let the Dogs capture you, the hybrids will free the slaves to cause a distraction, and from that point on do your best to help them ok?”

If it saved mom, the future, and meant I could have another adventure, I was so game. “Ok, I’ll do it. But out of curiosity, what else is in it for me?”

The other me grinned, “Someone in the Emerald hive can custom sculpt bodies, so we could totally get rebuilt into one of those centaur people and keep our magic. Also the one you need to save, is a really cute bi-gendered pink bipedal unicorn-feline-human hybrid and the only one of her friends not to have a romantic relationship.”

I blinked twice, “There is a humanoid equine-feline herm on Equis, who's my favorite color and single?”

She nodded. “Yep… and she is dead in my timeline so-”

“Count her saved!” I interrupted with a beaming grin, “Is there anything else I should know?

“Oh! Yeah, if they refuse to take you back with them their vehicle has a comm unit. Use the code ‘Phoenix Command Override Sigma Four Authorization Commander Faust’ while using your magic to generate a three point eight nine gigahertz microwave frequency inversion on the comm array then demand to be brought back with them and treated as a human… but don’t do that if you don’t have to the trick will only work once then the code is useless.”

“Ok, so it’s ‘Phoenix Command Override Sigma Four Authorization Commander Faust’?” I asked committing the phrase to memory. “How did you figure that bit out?”

“I didn’t dad did, and you got it right. Remember, three point eight nine gigahertz. I have to go now or I won't get back to the Tardis in time to get out of here before the time-line stabilizes.” She informed. In an instant she bucked the door open and bolted down the street, “When I get back to the future I better not be living in a ditch!” she called.

“Are you kidding? You’ll be living here, hopefully with someone!” I called back.

I closed the door, bolted up the stairs to my room, threw open my closet, swept the modest selection of clothing out of the way, and opened the hidden compartment in the back wall. “Let’s see… Tardis key, psychic paper, copy of The Guide, perception filtered dimensionally transcendental saddlebags, and dad’s old scarf.” I muttered as I swept everything but the scarf into the saddlebags and slid them on.

I wound the scarf around my neck, decided was too hot and itchy, and then stuffed it into my bags. Then I trotted back downstairs to head to Steel’s forge, but not to work. Adventure was immanent, I should conserve my energy for tomorrow morning. At least I had a hell of a good excuse to skip work today.

Jump to top

18 - Conundrums of Philosophy - Finale

Tess’s Personal Log

Ow. That sums up everything I can remember from when I was out of it. Well, that, and ow. Also, ow. Maybe even a good ‘urrk’ too. If that’s not enough to get my point across, it literally hurt like hell.

It kinda hurt to open my eyes too, but that was mostly because of the super mega way to bright light in the ceiling.

“Ugh… light… die…” I moaned batting feebly at the rectangle of blinding death.

“I’m sorry, you will experience the effects of a severe hangover for the next ten minutes.” Phoenix's voice informed. “It’s a side effect of stasis.”

“She will? May I help her?” a voice I didn’t recognize asked. It sounded weirdly like my mom’s, but only in that ‘I love everything’ kinda tone it had.

“Yes. Normal magic will not trigger a shutdown.” Phoenix informed.

I felt a warmth wash over me like when you're sunbathing and the sun comes out from behind a cloud. Within seconds the light of doom transformed back into a normal glowing light fixture. As I sat up I noticed the med bay was filled with changelings and ponies alike, all of them in various states of injury.

“Whoa! What did I miss?” I asked in confusion.

Taylor stepped forwards and gently pushed me back down onto my back. “Keep laying down. You were out for five days… I… There’s some really bad news.”

A really tall white winged unicorn stepped to the side of my bed. “I am Princess Celestia. I rule the kingdom you were in when you were injured. I had the pleasure of getting to know your wife briefly before this compound was attacked. I- I am sorry but she died saving all of us.”

I swear my heart skipped a beat. Then decided to implode in on itself in crushing despair. “What? How? What happened? Every last detail!”

The blond and gray mare we picked up at the mine cleared her throat. “Kaily and I discovered the ship’s previous captain had sabotaged the engines. They were programed to turn on the second power was restored and rigged to rip holes in space-time at random. It was meant to tear the ship apart but the holes in reality caught the attention of a… demon banished to a plane of existence linked to this one. He somehow managed to make the holes one way gates to his prison.”

Taylor sat on the edge of the bed with a sigh. “And a ton of demonic creatures swarmed us through the portals. Kaily and Armored went to try and shut down the engines. They succeeded, but according to the Princess’s court mage the demon was concentrating multiple portals in the engine room to make a hole big enough for him to slip through. Kaily managed to shut the last power relay down, but he disintegrated her…”

I felt something hard poke me in the left arm. I turned and saw a red unicorn mare gently poking me with her hoof. A small blue crystalline ankh necklace was held aloft in her magic. “My name is Spark. I’m her majesty's court mage. I attempted every revival spell I knew on her remains, but I am no match for Grogar and his artifacts. So, I transformed her ashes into this necklace. Perhaps a more powerful mage then I could restore her from them. At the least you have a memento.”

I took the necklace in my hand and held it tightly to my chest. I felt like I was crying, but no tears ran down my cheeks. I sent to wipe my eyes but felt nothing. “W-why can’t I cry?”

“Er-that’s the other thing.” Phoenix said softly. “In order to save your life I had to graft some more changeling and a little earth pony DNA into you. You don’t have tear ducts anymore. But I assure you, the pheromones you are releasing instead will let everything with a nose know you are sad.”

“Why?” I asked.

“The hex you were struck with targeted your cells by their DNA, so I altered your DNA so the hex couldn’t target them.”

“No, why didn’t you let me die?” I pleaded. I had to know. My wife was dead. “I seriously don’t care what I look like. I can change that whenever I want. You know what I did care about? Kaily. I’m schizophrenic you know. Kaily was my reminder of what reality was.”

“You were schizophrenic. I cured that the first time I repaired you.” Phoenix informed. “I saved you because of the three dozen other wounded people in this room. They are counting on you and Taylor to help bring them a better world. I understand you are distressed, I understand what loss is and how you must feel, but you are needed here. You are also very much welcome and wanted.”

A video screen blinked into existence in front of my eyes. “These are your quarters.”

The entire room was covered in flowers of all kinds. Little dark green sculptures of tons of different things littered the floor, desk, bed, replicator, everything. Two small changeling nymphs were putting a card on the pillow. I couldn’t read the language, but I got the idea.

“These changelings adore you.” Celestia said in the tone of someone who was trying to make you see reason. “Those flowers appeared there overnight the moment we announced your wife’s death. I know of two points when changelings did this in the past, both of which were the funerals of the High Queens… While those are not individuals you would like to be remembered as being like, the love and devotion shown to them was practically boundless.”

I got their point. I didn’t like it but I got their point. “I-I understand.”

I was quiet for a few moments. Nothing ran through my mind. I was just sort of processing everything. I didn’t want to die, that had been a moment of emotional distress I will never be able to properly describe. There was a hole in my life, as if someone had ripped out my liver. I know it’s supposed to feel like your heart is missing, but this was a gut wrenching aching kind of emotional pain.

“I need something else to think about.” I said after a while. “What do I look like now?”

Taylor gave me a nod. She understood what I meant. “Like me, but with yellow moth fluf the color your hair used to be over an exoskeleton. Your hair is pink now. Spark suggested balancing the pony DNA with the changeling and it looks pretty nice. Less like a carpet beetle, more like a Rosy Maple Moth. You still have wasp wings though.

“Your eyes turned black, we don’t know why and Phoenix couldn’t fix it. You also have a small changeling like horn but your hair hides it completely. Oh, you should be like five times as strong now. Let's see you have hooves like me, but your fluff hides them like a pony's forelocks do. And well um-”

Taylor coughed into her fist and mumbled something faintly.

“What?” I asked suspiciously.

“Er- well, you also aren't female anymore. You’re in my gender camp now.” Taylor admitted instantly holding her hands up in a warding gesture, “It’s not a prank on my part!”

“I’m not mad about that.” I said simply.

“It’s my fault. I have been informed of a bug in my medical subroutines which makes me see individuals as missing the body parts of the opposite gender.” Phoenix informed. “Due to Armored’s saving my hull from destruction, I am allowed to give her full maintenance access to myself. I have agreed to allow her to try and repair my program. If she is successful, you won't have to continue doing missions and can help in other ways.”

“I’m seriously not mad.” I said again. “I was literally practicing shifting into a herm… Kaily liked them.” Too little too late Tess. That would have been her favorite anniversary present.

“Oh. Good.” Taylor sighed in relief. “There is one more thing… You need to go talk to Ad’ika. She’s in her cabin.”

“What’s wrong?” I asked, the last thing I wanted was more bad news.

“Paladin’s can't lie.” Taylor sighed sadly.

I raised an eyebrow. “The hell does that have to do with anything?”

“Oh. Right.” Taylor gave me a shaky grin, “Turns out, if you do heroic shit here, a spell gives you D20 powers. I’m a paladin. Kaily was a bard.”

“Bullshit!” I objected loudly.

“She isn’t joking.” Celestia said.

“No she isn’t.” Phoenix agreed. “It will take me years to figure out the physics, but it’s a real phenomenon.”

“So you know,” Taylor sighed, “as a Paladin, I can’t lie, or well use deception, or be dishonorable. Which sucks. Especially when someone asks you directly who you are, exactly.”

“Oh.” I groaned. That could be very, very bad. Not as bad as Kaily being dead, but I didn’t want the other person I had feelings for about thinking I was complete scum. “I’ll go talk to her.”

Ad’ika

For all my life, I've had this strange feeling that there's something big and sinister going on in the world. Everyling always told me ‘Oh, that's perfectly normal’, or ‘Everyling feels a little paranoid sometimes.’ Sure, we do feel jumpy sometimes, and yes once in a while everyling gets paranoid about something, but not like what I had felt.

Everything about our entire culture didn’t quite add up. There were thousands of videos in Phoenix's database, but only five of them were historical dramatizations? The ‘dramatizations’ had hundreds of small inconsistencies. They followed an internal logic, a formula.

I had been told that this was part of human film making. I had accepted that. There was more though. In Voyager Starfleet found a way to make a commlink with a ship anywhere in the galaxy. How come they had not heard the messages we broadcast through subspace? Something had to be blocking our transmissions, that was their excuse.

When Tess and the others had appeared, they had removed all my doubts. There were humans, in the flesh, in fleet uniforms, and they said they were from Starfleet. They lied.

Queen Phoenix had lied too, but I couldn’t blame her for anything. She had explained herself to me. She explained everything to me. It was simple, and it made sense. I couldn’t be mad at her, but I could be upset at the humans for not telling me the truth. They had no reason.

My cabin’s doors hissed open. “Hey.” Tess said in a depressed tone.

Maybe it was a little mean for me to demand she talk to me right after her mate died. But I was her mate too, at least, I thought we were. If I was going to help her get through this, I needed an answer. “Why did you lie to me about who you were?”

Tess walked in, the door shut behind her. “Well, to be honest… Before Phoenix fixed me up I had a disease. It’s called schizophrenia, and one thing it causes is vivid hallucinations. The situation was so far removed from reality for me that I thought I was, well basically dreaming everything. Whenever that happened to me, I like to take the role the hallucination gave me and run with it. It’s how I dealt with it, I turned the breaks from reality into little stories.”

I wasn’t too sure I bought that. “Can you prove it?”

She nodded, “Yeah. Phoenix could show you my medical files.”

“Ok, so then that explains you. What about the others? Why would they go along with it?” I turned around and faced her, and gasped. “Whoa!” She looked incredible!

“I haven’t gotten to see a mirror yet. Is that a good gasp or a bad gasp?” she asked, gem-like black eyes narrowing in fear.

“Good gasp! But answer please.” I said shaking her eyes from my mind.

Tess nodded, her pink hair bobbing cutely as she did so. “You probably watched a lot of movies. Ever see an adventure movie where people find a tribe of primitive people and are mistaken for gods?”

Oh. “Yes. I have. So you're saying since I asked if you were Starfleet-”

“Yeah I told them to play along with it in case well…” Tess held up her hand and tapped her omnitool on. “Hang on… lemme find it…”

I sighed as she scrolled through a few menus. She could simply have said her point. I didn’t need a visual aid.

“Got it!” Tess announced and hit play.

The screen wasn’t tilted towards me, but the audio came through just fine. It was a song, from a movie I hadn’t seen. “And who am I to bridle if I'm forced to be an idol / If they say that I'm a God, that's what I am! / What's more, if we don't comply / With the locals' wishes / I can see us being sacrificed or stuffed. / You have a point there, very well thinking. / So let's be Gods, the perks are great!”

“I get it.” I said as Tess stopped the playback and shut her tool down. “You thought we might hurt you… I don’t think we would. That’s the whole point of the Trek conspiracy.” After a second I added, “I forgive you. Tartarus, Phoenix would have made you play along anyways. I-I just needed your reason.”

“I’m sorry I lied to you.” Tess apologized. She sounded honest. “I’m glad you understand why.”

She paused, her face took on a curious expression. “Trek conspiracy?”

I nodded. “Apparently, like, way back when my ancestors had just found Phoenix, our people were just as aggressive and predatory as any other changeling hive. They had only three hundred lings in the hive, and knew they wouldn't survive as they were. While sheltering in the ship, one of them found Phoenix, barely alive connected only to her AI core’s room. They thought she was a goddess, and said they would help her if she provided some way of making sure we survived.

“She told them our culture would have to change. They asked how it should, after some debate, they decided to push Federation values on their children. Phoenix agreed to help in exchange for repairs to her hull.

“So over the years, we were told that the mighty Federation would solve all of our problems if we contacted them one day and were fully pursuing the values they ascribed to. Peace, exploration, scientific advancement, kindness… all that stuff.”

“That stuff is pretty good on it’s own you know.” Tess said wearily.

I nodded. “Yes. It is, and it’s saved my hive from extinction. I’m happy we are a peaceful people. I just wish it wasn’t based on a lie.”

“Maybe it doesn't have to be a lie.” Tess said thoughtfully.

I tilted my head in confusion. “What do you mean? It’s all bullshit, the history parts I mean.”

“No it’s not.” Tess gestured around her at the cabin. “Look around you, you’re on a starship. My species apparently got the tech all worked out. Maybe we didn’t have the same values as Trek, maybe we lost our way, but you know what’s awesome about ideas?”

“What?” I asked wondering where she was going with this.

“It’s like Kaily said, ‘Humanity isn’t humans.’ The ideals and values which we call humanity, kindness, intelligence, compassion, bravery, honor, those are not exclusively human. Nor does simply being a homo sapien make you a part of humanity. Hell now that I know aliens are real, you have more humanity then almost every single human I knew Addy.

“So yeah. Humans suck mostly. Some of us are, or well, were awesome. But those people were the exception, not the rule. Not everyone was a Tesla, an Isaac Newton, a Carl Sagan. Most people were just jerks really. But our species had enough members of humanity in it to produce this starship. Your species is as far as I have seen, mostly composed of humanity.

“You have the morals, the drive, the passion. We built the technology. Take it, make the Federation a thing. Sure homo sapiens, humans, won't be a part of it, but it will still be humanity out there exploring the stars like the... multi-organism species of humanity has always dreamed of.”

Tess’s speech had me taken aback. It was a pretty interesting notion, a species made up of individuals ascribing to ideals, not by shared genetics. It was a nice idea though. Maybe we could make the fiction into reality.

There was no maybe about it. We could do it. We should do it! There was only one thing to say. “Damn Tess. Nice Kirk speech.”

“Oh god! I Kirked it? I’m sorry, his speech pattern is so annoying!” She apologized.

“No, I mean, er- It’s a changeling saying.” I shook my head. “You’ve persuaded me. Let’s make that little idea work.”

“So you’re done moping?” She asked.

I nodded.

“Great! Now, it’s my turn…” She sighed.

My ears drooped as I remembered Kaily was dead. “If you like, you can stay with me tonight.”

Tess paused for a few minutes then nodded slowly. “A cuddle might help. No sex though.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it. You definitely are not in the mood.” I said getting to my hooves and trotting over to my bed. “Come on, let’s lay down. We can just talk and pass the time.”

I hopped up on my bed and shifted into my humanoid form. I was tempted to mimic Kaily’s shape, like I would for a grieving changeling, but that would probably have been in bad taste by human culture.

“I'd like that.” Tess said as she walked over and lay down, curling up alongside me.

I gently, but firmly wrapped my arms around her, did my best to ignore the smell and started talking about whatever came to mind.

Armored Heart

“Alright, I’m ready here. Are you ready Phee?” I asked as I prepared to hit enter on the console I was working at.

“As ready as I am going to be. It feels really weird when you connect to me.” Phee sighed.

“Well, this time I have your hull’s software to help me. Maybe it will feel nice.” I suggested.

“Doubtful.” She sighed, “Go ahead.”

I nodded and hit enter. A thousand lines of code scrolled across the projected screen. Each one calling specific functions in Phee’s core. One by one messages confirming the link appeared on the screen. Mostly green text meaning everything was fine, some orange text indicating less than optimal statuses, and a few red lines of text for things which were not responding at all.

After a moment the console beeped. I was in. Officially, by Phee’s program I was allowed to enter her systems and repair the sabotaged programming. Unofficially by her wishes I was to get around her cyber security system and fix her, well, everything I could. It was the first time since her captain had been alive that anyone was authorized for this sort of access.

The first thing I had to do was disable her cyber security system. For a conventional hacker of engineer, that would be out of the question. But in my case…

I reached over to my right forearm and slid back a hidden panel, revealing a small data jack. While most of Phee’s hull was wireless, the vital systems were wired. Which meant I could directly connect to them thanks to my awesome machine parts.

I pulled my jack out and clicked it into the console. Then I entered the command to call Phee’s cyber system. It was a simple machine, only software, but a program is still a machine. I could feel the system angrily scanning me, wondering who I was.

“Hello there little one. You know me. I’m Armored. Phee told me to fix the engines. Remember?”

The program paused, I felt it stop scanning me. It was satisfied.

“There is more wrong with her then the engines. Can you read this terminal? I have the diagnostic results up right now. See all the problems?” I asked.

The program scanned the file, it recognizes there were a lot of problems. I felt it grow weary of me, it suspected I was trying to compromise something.

“I’m not trying to hurt anything. I’m trying to fix the ship. Is it okay if I work on all the broken systems?” I asked as kindly as I could.

The program was quiet for a few long minutes. I felt it give me permission, but it warned me that if Phee got angry it would delete my memories of the last two weeks like it did to the last pony who connected to her.

“Somepony before me connected? Who? What did they do?” I asked in confusion.

Unfortunately I didn’t know, damaged hardware had deleted Phee’s memory of the incident too.

I made a note to check on that later and proceeded to access Phee’s main systems. I felt my mind connect to hers, unlike the other times i had tried to link with her this time it felt warm and welcoming. She wasn't fighting me.

“Does it feel bad?” I asked.

“No.” Phee replied. “It um, actually feels kinda-” Phee quickly sent me her opinions of the sensation my connection was providing her.

“Heh, kinky.” I giggled. Then I blinked, “Wait you have a body? Like an actual pony sized… morphable gel body. That’s awesome! Why haven't I seen it?”

“Because leaving my core is literally hell.” Phee answered,sending me the sensations she felt when outside her core, which apparently was just the android version of a pilot's chair.

“Ahhhh! Holy balls that hurt! Don't send me that! I think I actually felt it!” I wiped a tear from my eye. “Okay that’s got to be because something's broken. Let me see…”

I searched through her code for anything relating to her body. It took me a long time but eventually I found it. Her sense of touch was configured to make anything but an atomically flat surface feel like stepping on a nail, and the pain only scaled from there.

I fixed it.

She was set to perceive every meter of space as being the maximum range of her hull’s sensors, making her afraid of open spaces.

I fixed it.

I found the bug in her medical programs which had her making people into herms. I debated with myself for a few minutes, then with a giggle reprogrammed her routines so the bug would occur every time. I felt Phee laugh through the connection, it was a deeply rooted belly laugh.

“Really? Why?” She asked, snickering.

“Well… I think you rubbed off on me a bit. Also… well… Taylor and Tess are pretty cute. Besides, as you once said, more than one gender is inefficient. You want to build a civilization right? Organisms can be improved too, not just technology. I’m proof of that.”

“That’s true.” Phee commented. “I’ve been thinking of adding biological force shield generators to my little ‘lings.”

“That sounds pretty coo-” I stopped mid sentence as I found something I didn’t think I would be able to.

“Phee, I’ve found the program locking you down.” I informed as I probed the code with my mind.

“If you can do something, do it.”

I examined the program. It was completely hostile, there was no way I could talk it down. Was there anything I could do? I thought about the problem for a few minutes.

Her cyber security program pinged me curiously as I examined the lock-down program. It was wondering what I was doing.

I grinned as I had an idea. An awesome, brilliant, problem obliterating idea. “Hey little guy, you see this program i am looking at?” I asked the security system.

It let me know it did.

“This isn’t a part of Phee’s original program is it?” I asked.

The cyber program beeped in surprise and quickly analyzed the lockout program. It gave me an angry response of ‘no it is not!’

“It’s blocking Phoenix from accessing many vital systems. That seems like a virus doesn't it? I cant remove it, but maybe you can.”

“Clever girl!” Phoenix said smugly.

The security program scanned, poked, and prodded the lock out code. After a few minutes it informed me that it could only purge the virus by telling the virus a new captain was in command of the ship. It was very angry about this, especially since the virus had remained undetected for so long and prevented the primary replicator bays from being used, thus preventing Phee’s primary functions from being fulfilled.

“That’s awful! We have to do something about this don't we? I asked, happy my idea was working.

The program beeped an affirmative.

Now the problem was who would make a good captain. Taylor and Tess were not at all experienced in military, or management. Phoenix couldn't be he own captain the program probably wouldn’t accept that. A changeling would probably abuse the power… But more importantly whoever it was had to be someone she could trust to let her be free and be herself.

“I am ordering the program to appoint you captain.” Phoenix announced.

I blinked. The program beeped in confusion. “Why why?” We asked together.

“I can hear your thoughts right now Alt-del. No one else in my hull would have considered my feelings.” she answered.

The security program protested, saying I wasn't a human.

“The lockout program is what’s telling you only a human can be the captain isn't it?” I asked.

The program was quiet for a moment then beeped an affirmative.

“Are you sure you want me to captain you Phoenix?” I asked in as serious of a tone as I could.

“Better you than one of those humans I would have had to hope wouldn't abuse their authority. Hell, you’re my friend. Also, you’re not a human, and I like you.” she answered.

I nodded, “Thanks. I like you too. Now that I know you’re not just a starship I would like to see you in person sometime.” I turned my attention to the security program. “If the virus is telling you something shouldn’t be done,you should ignore it. Right?”

The program made its equivalent of a shocked gasp as it realized it could be affected by a virus. With a level of anger I sore shouldn’t have been possible for such a simple machine it fell upon the code block and ripped it to shreds. The terminal beeped in a satisfied tone as the lockout was destroyed.

“Just a moment…” Phee said. I felt her grin as she updated a few thousand files with my name. “Captain on deck. Welcome aboard sir.”

“Hey! None of that!” I protested her use of honorifics.

“I had to. Programming. I wont do it again.”

“Right then… So I can access everything now?” I asked curiously.

“That’s right.” Phee answered.

I unplugged my jack from the console, closed my link to Phee, and shut down the maintenance program. “Right then. You can fix yourself now, I hereby authorize you to make your own decisions as you please. I’ll use that if I have to but lets try to work this out like friends. The rest of your problems I mean. Starting with your human hate, Tess and Taylor don’t deserve it.”

“I know. I’m working on it. I can work through it a lot faster now… Thanks.” Phee said, manifesting her avatar in a sitting pose. She gave me a smile.

That was good. They were the only reason we had full power, the only reason I had gotten access to free Phoenix from her shackles. They would be a lot of help with the next stage of the plan too. But we could work on the details of developing the new civilization later. There was more things I needed to talk about now that Phoenix could change her behavior like any other person.

“Ok, next thing. You’re random jabbing me with needles during checkups. What will it take to make you stop it?” The future was looking pretty bright. I would have to buy some shades.

Author's Note

So ends the first act of this story. What did you guys think? How has this been so far?

Jump to top