The first thing Rainbow felt as she woke was an oppressive sensation, as if she were in a place too tightly packed and without air. The sheets had adhered to her body and wrapped in such a way that she had to fight against them for a few seconds to escape. Her breathing was fast and faltering, her body drenched in sweat and her eyes completely full of tears as in her dream. She groped, trembling, until she found her lamp on the bedside table. The light illuminated the room. Finally Dash could begin to calm herself.

"It hasn’t been real,” she said to herself. “It’s just been another nightmare, just that.”

Suddenly she felt a strange sensation on her right foreleg, and she jumped away by instinct. Frightened, she looked for the origin and visibly relaxed when she saw Tank rubbing his head against her own. She wasn’t sure how long he was in the bed, but he looked worried. Very worried, in fact. Rainbow knew her pet well enough to realize how much he was affected.

“I’m sorry, Tank.” she caressed, trying to calm him. “It was just a nightmare, you don’t have to be scared.”

Just a nightmare. Even when saying it aloud, an intense shiver went through her from top to bottom. Every detail of this dream was in her mind so clearly that it seemed to be branded. She could almost see it, even with open eyes, just as if it were an experience she had really lived. Especially when Luna appeared, and her last words; You have to face your fears.

She shook her head vigorously. It wasn’t real. No matter how it seems. There is no way this is real! I have to forget. That's right... just forget it.

She looked at the clock and her lungs gasped for air. It was six in the morning, the time on the clock that Luna had set up in the dream. Just a few hours before dawn. No! No no no! It's just my imagination, it’s purely coincidental. She drew Tank in and hugged him, hoping to banish her bad thoughts. It was comforting to have him at her side, but his presence wasn’t enough to prevent Luna’s voice resonating inside her.

“C’mon champ,” Rainbow urged the turtle, with an idea in mind. “I need a bath to relax myself . And I know you love hot water too.”

It was a trick that had always worked for her. After a particularly hard day there was nothing better than diving in her bathtub and taking a relaxing foam bath, no matter what might have happened. And today she really needed to relax. Stretching, she got out of bed and went to the bathroom with Tank floating behind her. She hurried to prepare everything, eager to leave the nightmare behind.

The hot water relaxed her muscles better than if she had taken hours of rest, and at the same time served to clear her mind. Dash entertained playing with Tank and some toys she had gotten for him while she took the time to clean her hair and hooves thoroughly. At one point, she fell on her back, leaving only her head above water. The lost sleep was taking its price and Rainbow found it increasingly difficult to keep her eyelids open.

She tried to focus, knowing it wasn’t a good idea to sleep in the bath. Her eyes fixed on the steam floated on the air and how hit the bathroom cloud wall produced swirls. An old memory made her smile. When she was little, she and her father watched the wall while bathing and competed to see who saw the biggest number of shapes and objects. And she won, of course. Rainbow had always been great in competition, but now she was sure at least a couple of times her father had lost on purpose.

With that idea in mind, she looked at the wall looking for figures. She didn’t have to work hard and soon accumulated a great number, but playing alone it wasn’t very funny. With a flick called attention of Tank, intending to add him to game. “Ey Tank, don’t you think this one is like a dragon’s head? Look, that other one looks like a sled. And that—”

It was the pegasus’ vague shape, but it wasn’t what Rainbow was seeing. Red. It was exactly like Red Feather. For a second Dash froze, and then jumped and hit the wall, completely out of herself.

“No! Enough, just enough, you can’t appear in my life and do this again, you can’t, you're dead!” she closed her eyes, even though there wasn’t anything to see. On the wall there was now only a gap and many cloud small pieces scattered everywhere. “You're dead... I killed you.”

It was the first time she said it aloud. The first time she was allowed to recall what happened five years ago, that day at the Academy. Rainbow collapsed, unable to stand up, overwhelmed. By her side Tank tried to comfort his owner, not understanding what was happening, but she didn’t react. At this moment there was nothing and no one, only the image of that horrible day persisting in her memory. She gritted her teeth, trying to hold back the tears. Crying was useless, didn’t serve for anything, and wouldn’t restore life to Red. It was never fixed then, and isn’t going to fix now.

Rainbow couldn’t deny the dream had been something else no longer. If this wasn’t still a dream, she thought. In any case, it didn’t matter. You have to face your fears. Now princess Luna’s phrase had come back, clearer than ever, and she couldn’t ignore it. Slowly she got out from the bath, letting her legs find the way for her. Her mind was elsewhere and didn’t even feel the cold from being soaked.

She crossed the room and opened her closet; hooves scrambled inside, pushing things down until she reached for a cardboard box located at the bottom, with the initials RD drawn on top with red permanent. She grabbed it and began to empty its contents on the bed until finding what she wanted. The Academy yearbook.

A deep breath escaped of her mouth. For a moment Rainbow didn’t know what do and remained staring at the cover. It wasn’t an easy decision, but the words of the princess kept urging her to continue. After a last hesitation, she opened the book and began to turn the pages slowly, as if she was trying to delay the moment. Finally Dash stopped, finding him. In Equestria, single color ponies were rare, just like the brown pegasus that appeared in the photography. The only thing breaking it was a small tuft of red in his hair, with shape of a feather. Rainbow swallowed. It could have been five years, but the image of Red was enough to reopen the wound in her heart.

Dash never imagined she would do this, be thinking about or seeing a photograph of him again. However she suddenly found herself turning the pages, smiling at each memory recorded on the album. Each photo was a twinge in her chest, yes, but also was accompanied by a handful of happiness. That year at the Academy had been one of the happiest in her life. It was hard to believe everything had twisted that way.

You have to face your fears. Rainbow now knew what Luna wanted to get with those words. But it wasn’t so easy to do. If she revealed, if she said the truth, she would lose everything. Her parents would be shattered, her friends never speak to her again, even her dreams of being a Wonderbolt would vanish forever. How could she say that she was a murderer?

No, she couldn’t. It was better to forget everything, let it go. Talking was madness, definitely. And Rainbow knew she could do it. Just had to ignore this dream, live her life as if nothing had happened. The nightmares would follow, what mattered? At the end they disappear, as they had when Red died. And Luna? She was a problem, but after what had happened Dash didn’t think she’d return to her dreams for a long time. Luna wouldn’t discover more things about her, Rainbow was sure of that. She just had to forget everything.

Nodding to herself, she started to pick up stuffs for returning to the box. This time she’d put it in the rubbish. Trophies, ribbons, lecture notes, all came back to the same place. Then she took the yearbook and when was she tried to throw it in, her forelegs stopped. Biting her lip, she tried again, but failed. The next tries had identical result. I can’t do anything else, this is the best option. I have to do this. I must do this.

So why was she unable to do it?

Because Luna was right, absolutely right, Rainbow realized. Admitting that stunned her. Now she could almost see before herself the mask of appearances and lies she had been building for years, as if they were a tangible object. Fear. Even in her mind, Rainbow Dash could hardly accept that word was referring to her. But part of herself began to assume it was true. She was hiding every feeling that might make her look weak.

Rainbow already felt unable to continue with more lies, pretending all was fine while the remorse for what happened five years ago devoured her. But the other option was to tell the truth and just thinking about it made her feel real panic. She couldn’t go back, but neither was she sure of having the strength to go on. She looked for Tank, searching for support.

“I want to say the truth. To my parents, my friends, I really want to. You think they can forgive me?”

Without the least doubt Tank nodded. Rainbow's eyes flooded with tears as she hugged him again. She had never been happier for having him by her side. You really are the best pet everypony could want. He was right. She had to be brave and trust in their loved ones. The outlook remained frightening, but this time she was ready to face them. I will. I'll tell them, they deserve to know the truth.

Then Dash began to shiver and was aware she was soaked, so she quickly wrapped herself in a towel to keep warm. While drying her fur, she realized she hadn’t thought about who said her secret first. Her father was in Cloudsdale and her mother in Manehattan, so for now they were discarded. And she didn’t dare to tell her friends at the same time.

Actually, she knew who wanted to tell first. The image of a yellow pegasus appeared in her mind again and again. Fluttershy was the perfect choice. If a pony could forgive her for what she did, it would be her. She trusted on Fluttershy like no other pony. But after everything that had occurred between them, Rainbow wasn’t sure what could happen if she confessed.

Since the date incident, things hadn’t been the same say. The visit of Twilight convinced Rainbow that she had to apologize with Fluttershy, so she did. And it was even worse. She had barely finished speaking and Fluttershy forgave her. In her eyes there wasn’t even a hint of bitterness. On the contrary, it was obvious she felt guilty for what happened. Rainbow almost shouted out of frustration at that moment. She deserved Fluttershy's wrath, insults, even a good kick aching for days, not her kindness!

But with it all, Fluttershy never come to be comfortable by her side again. She kept the distance, barely looked at her and if accidentally they touched, she put her aside. If they found each other in the town, Fluttershy hurried to pick up an alternative route to avoid crossing. Later, when the Games were held, she never spoke during workouts. And when Discord revealed his betrayal and his alliance with Tirek, Rainbow was heartbroken to see how she went into Applejack’s forelegs for comfort instead of her own.

But they were still friends. And now more than ever Rainbow needed her friendship.

Taking the decision, Rainbow went home, accompanied by Tank and carrying the yearbook. It was still dark, but Dash knew her friend got up very early to take care of all the animals, so she wouldn’t have to wake her. She flew swiftly to Fluttershy's cottage, unable to wait more time, fearing she wouldn’t be able to do it if thought twice.

Lighted windows confirmed the presence of Fluttershy inside. Landing on her doorstep, Rainbow hit the door several times, maybe a little harder than it should. She began to feel a terrible knot in the stomach and a pressing need to run away. The courage was slipping rapidly, but she managed to remain in place. Fluttershy had to know. She more than anypony deserved to know the truth.

The door was opened and Fluttershy stepped outwards. Her mane was more disheveled than usual and her eyes still showed sleep traces, it was obvious she had just wake up. Realizing who hoped out she come back a little and looked down.

“Rainbow? What’s up? Is there something wrong with Tank?” she asked, with a hint of concern in her soft voice.

“No, he's fine. I just wondering... can I talk with you for a moment? It’s important.”

Fluttershy hesitated for a moment, then nodded and left space for them could enter. They went into the living room, where Fluttershy invited to sit her friend on the couch while Tank settled into one of the cushions on the floor. Several minutes passed without the two saying a word. Rainbow had made several attempts, but didn’t know how to start. It didn’t help that her throat was completely dry. She was already there, but couldn’t help wondering the same thing over and over again. Can you forgive me, Fluttershy? What do you think about me?

“Rainbow... you're scaring me. What’s happened?”

She took a deep breath and gathered all her courage she began to speak . “There is something... something I wanted to tell you. You see, I guess you remember in the Academy I started to pick up some ponies. Well, some fillies too, well, actually, what I mean is,” Focus Dash she thought, scolding of herself, “in my last year I met a colt named Red Feather from the drama club. He was handsome, friendly, smart and…” Stop all this, tell her important. “We started to go out. He was different from all other coltfriends I'd had. Many just wanted to go out with me because I was popular, but he really loved me. We were more a year together. But one day... I was training in the gym…

*******************

Five years ago...

“Ey, good kick!”

Rainbow turned and dropped the rugby ball, surprised to hear somepony at such an hour. A huge smile appeared on her face when saw Red Feather behind her. Knowing they were alone in the gym, she didn’t hesitate to jump on and kiss him hard. Red struggled to contain her enthusiasm without falling back, even being considerably larger than his fillyfriend.

“What are you doing here at this hour?” Rainbow said.

“Hey, you're not the only one who has to practice. We just finished an extra function essay for next week. I told you a few days ago, clueless. Did the trainer crush you so much that you forgot what I said? Oh, my little Dashie…” he joked, stroking the Rainbow’s multicolor mane.

Dash launched a blow to his chest, not too strong but enough to call his attention. “Didn’t tell you don’t call me that? You know perfectly that's how my father calls me, when you say sounds very weird.”

“Since don’t let me call you sweet or honey in public, I thought using something you're used to…”

“Oh, shut up,” she put a hoof in his mouth, hushing him. “I don’t want everypony in the Academy thinking I’m a pussy, I have a reputation to uphold.”

“Yes, it would be terrible if they found out you're a romantic,” Red said with obvious irony, set Rainbow’s hoof aside.

“Hey, that's not true!” Dash said, starting to get annoyed.

“Well, that raid at my house you did the other night doesn’t say the same…”

“You just returned from your trip!” she replied, totally blushing.

“From a weekend trip.” Red pointed. “And you received me as if I were gone a whole year. And you said ‘I love you’ just after finishing. Do you still say you're not romantic?”

“You said so as well.” she muttered, got away a little.

“Yes. Because it’s true. I love you.”

Red walked over and wrapped her in his wings. At first Rainbow agreed reluctantly, but after a few minutes close to him she couldn’t help but return the embrace. They put their heads together and shared another kiss, this time longer and quiet.

“This weekend we could go to the cinema,” Red commented when they separated. “It’s casting a romantic comedy…” he laughed when was struck by the look of Dash. “It’s a joke, it’s a joke! What do you think about Sadistic Murderers II?

“That’s better.” she nodded with satisfaction. “Will you hide under the seat like last time?”

“Touché. I guess I deserve it.” he got down her head, smiling in defeat. “Well, I keep you practicing, I’ll wait for you up there.” he said pointing the stands. “Afterwards we could go home together.”

They shared one last quick kiss and then Red grabbed his backpack and started up the stands stairs. But he couldn’t help making one last joke before taking a seat.

“You can, my little Dashie!”

Dash's response wasn’t verbal, but a ball fired at full speed. Instinctively he jumped to avoid, realizing immediately the ball wouldn’t have hurt anyway.

And then his hooves slipped, knocking him off balance. Unlike in the movies, the fall didn’t happen in slow motion, but so fast that he had no time to react. Red fell down the stairs, knocking several times, being pulled near the end of them, accompanied by a loud crash.

“RED!” Rainbow didn’t hesitate and shot toward the stands, ready to assist her coltfriend.

And this time the universe stopped, at least for her.

The pegasus might have been sleeping, but his neck was lying in a totally unnatural position and his eyes... his eyes were empty, dull. To anypony it was obvious he was dead.

********

“I couldn’t believe, so I searched for help. The coach was there and came very quickly, but he couldn’t do anything. The Academy did some research and said it had been an accident. I wanted to tell the truth, that it was my fault he had slipped, but I was afraid of what might happen. I didn’t dare tell to anypony, even my parents. I didn’t want them see me as a monster.”

“After that I couldn’t return to the Academy. I tried, but it all reminded me of Red, each site where he once was. Once I turned eighteen I left Cloudsdale and came here, I got into the climate team and I decided to forget it all and get on with my life. I kept the photos, trophies, everything I had of the Academy and hid them.”

While she told the story her head lowered more and more, finally staring at the floor. It was done. Now Fluttershy knew the whole truth. It hadn’t been easy, but now that she finished to speak she felt better, although not really relief. Now she needed to hear what Fluttershy had to say.

But time went on and there wasn’t sign of Fluttershy was going to say something. Rainbow wanted to look up and see what her friend thought, but she didn’t dare. And if there was rejection on her face? Or fear? If your best friend thinked so, what would the others?

The silence was a torture and Rainbow couldn’t wait longer, so she had to say something. “Sorry Fluttershy, I know I’m a monster—”

The slap across her face completely by surprise. Stunned and hurt, she looked up and saw Fluttershy with tears in her eyes, as if she was who had been hit. And then her friend hugged her. Rainbow didn’t understand anything, she didn’t know how react to these two contradictory information.

“Don’t say it again.” Fluttershy chided her. “Never say you're a monster. That's a lie.”

Dash looked her, surprised, not understanding how she could say that. “But if I hadn’t, he would still... it was my fault!”

“It was an accident, it’s not your fault!” she increased the tone doing Rainbow shut up. Even so, Fluttershy’s voice seems more a beg for Rainbow. “He wouldn’t want you to blame yourself for what happened. It was an accident, so don’t even say you're a monster.” she repeated, putting more emphasis in her voice.

A tear fell down Rainbow’s cheek. And then another. Before she realized she wept silently, embarrassed, but at same time relieved for the first time in years. During this time she had always been sure about one thing, she was the one responsible for Red’s death and there was nothing that could change that. But Fluttershy, knowing all the truth, insisted Rainbow wasn’t guilty. And somehow Rainbow believed her, she didn’t know how, but looking at her friend’s eyes she couldn’t think otherwise. There was nothing except sincerity in that sight.

The embrace lasted a long time, even when Dash’s tears were already dry. Rainbow wondered how long it would last until her friend noticing. It was the first time Fluttershy touched her again since that night. One more time, she returned to regret. If I could just go back... if I hadn’t been so stupid, maybe... if I had said how important it is for me. Really, not only as friends.

But it was too late.

As predicted, Fluttershy suddenly turned away, not abruptly, but clearly trying get away. “Are you... are you better?”

“Yes, I think so. Thanks,” she said while outlining a warm smile.

Fluttershy smiled back. “Well, I’m going to take care of the animals, you should get some rest…” she paused for a moment. “If you want, you can stay here,” she added so quietly that Rainbow barely heard her.

“I think I’ll do that.” Now Fluttershy said, Rainbow realized how exhausted she was. And she didn’t want to go home, not yet. She wanted to stay here, with Fluttershy nearby.

“Okay, well... I'll be here if you need something.”

Fluttershy finally got away and left alone to Rainbow, who laid on the couch and closed her eyes. Now that she had finally confessed she could surrender to a peaceful sleep, knowing whatever happen, Fluttershy would be with her from now on.

And that was all she needed.

Author's Note

I'm back with new chapter for us. Sorry for so long waiting, holidays are a bad time for the inspiration.

I want to say, how you can see, I'm not using fifth season facts in this story. It was designed for fourth season and will remain this way.