Ponyville 911

by MisterMoniker

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Discord, Princess Celestia, Doctor Whooves, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 30485

While the town is sleeping, Ponyville PD keeps them safe and hits the mean streets. With sticks.

Every department has them. The standouts. The supercops. The other guys. And for some reason, there's always one or two of THEM... a pair of loose-cannon cops who refuse to play by the rules, taking the law and throwing it in cuffs right alongside every mook and petty criminal they've apprehended on the mean streets of Ponyville.

These are the reports of two such officers in the Ponyville Police Department, Officer Cherry n' Berries and Officer Dodge Charger. Two officers that seem as determined to uphold law and order in town as they are to rip the place to shreds, upholding the hell out of law and order in town.

Image courtesy of TapeDiggity.

Published 2012-05-10 23:34:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-19 20:17:52 UTC

Law, And Sometimes Order

Thanks again to Sabre for giving up both time and dignity to help proofread this.

All was quiet in Rarity's boutique that night, as usual. The seamstress and fashion diva had put her mannequins and tools away hours ago in favor of some well-earned rest for the evening, as usual. Dresses, covered from hem to hem in rare and faintly glittering gemstones, stood proudly on display in several of the store's windows, each of them trying to outdo the next in drawing an eye to the unicorn's stock of painstakingly tailored (and modestly priced, as Rarity often told herself) outfits.

As usual.

A soft click echoed through the first floor showroom as a lock disengaged from a windowpane near the rear of the boutique. The window slowly panned open, letting four hooded figures scramble inside and fan out around the store. The first one inside, an earth pony, tugged slightly at the immaculately designed balaclava that covered his snout and adjusted the dark aviator sunglasses that covered his eyes. With a snort, he turned to his three companions: a unicorn and two pegasi.

"Everypony spread out and start collecting. These dresses are worth thousands of bits apiece, so grab as many as you can hold in those sacks of yours. And take care not to wrinkle them, you rogues. I'll be working on getting into her gem collection. You-" He pointed a hoof at the burlier of the two pegasi. "You get over there to the staircase and keep an eye on it. If anypony comes down, put them back to sleep. And be quick about it. We need to be back in Canterlot before sunrise, and-"

The thief's monologue was cut short by two things: a massive crash that shook the entire structure, followed immediately by a large produce wagon that was rocketing through the heavily damaged front door and towards his face.

"Oh, buck me in the-"

Shards of glass, wooden shrapnel, and a few dozen apples flew through the air as the wagon bore the pony into an impressive set of mirrors along the showroom wall. His lackeys jumped behind what cover they could, shielding themselves from the destruction caused by the blast. Peeking out from behind shelves, trunks, and one of the few mannequins that hadn't been crushed by the wooden missile, they glanced towards the hole where the front door had been moments ago.

Estimated damage: 56,020 bits.

They held their breath, listening for any sign of the attacker as bits of wood and glass fell from the battered storefront. Nothing. A shuffle of hoofsteps on the upper floor made them glance towards the ceiling.

"Is anypony down there? ...What time is it?" A dignified voice groggily called out from upstairs, distracting the criminals from the increasing whistling noise coming from outside.

"You have the right to remain silent! But I wanna hear you scream!" A second wagon flew through the open wall, detonating against the thieves' cover and showering them with planks, shredded dresses, and an impressive flower arrangement. The larger pegasus shook himself free of the debris and stretched his wings to take flight, only to receive a loud crack against his jaw as a baton forced his teeth down his throat.

"Ponyville Police! I'd advise you to stop resisting, but it's cute when you try!" The baton shifted in midair, returning to the white unicorn policepony that had just galloped through the widening hole in the wall. She lit the interior of the shop with a flick of her horn and shook the blood off the end of her baton and the dust from her bright red mane. A mark of two red cherries over a police badge proudly covered her flank.

Estimated damage: 89,550 bits.

"Get 'er!" The second pegasus took off like a bullet from his hiding spot, aiming straight for the officer and unfortunately flying straight past the staircase leading down from the second floor. A massive hoof reached out and clotheslined him in midflight, sending the choking thief hurtling through the air and into a display case filled with an extremely delicate selection of tiaras.

Estimated damage: 184,200 bits.

"Sorry, Cherry. Th' one upstairs threw a cat at me." A huge earth pony stallion trotted down the last couple of steps, ignoring the piles of smashed wood and priceless accessories scattered around the floor of the shop. Right above his dark blue tail and his cutie mark of a checkered flag, a tiny, white cat was furiously attached to his grey hide. It looked absolutely pissed.

"Lemme get that for you, Dodge." Cherry trotted up to him and levitated her baton until she could get it wedged between his rear and the snarling feline. With a quick shove, she pried the cat free and tossed it into the only un-shattered display case in the store. A quick flick of the lock left the hissing, spitting creature trapped behind a safe veil of glass. “Hey, you said there was one upstairs, right? I could’ve sworn I only counted four of these jokers earlier.”

Dodge shrugged and stretched the considerable muscles in his shoulders. Deftly lighting a cigarette with his hooves (something Cherry refused to ask him how to do), he blew out a puff of smoke and let the cigarette hang from his mouth.

“I dunno. She was sneaking around in the bedroom up there when I busted through th’ window. She screamed for a second and then started lookin’ me over like I was a piece’a meat. Muttered somethin’ about 'unshorn fetlocks' and adjustin’ somethin’ for ‘Big Mac’ measurements. Cuffed ‘er to the bed for now.” He kicked a loose piece of rubble.

“That was Rarity, Dodge.” Cherry lit her horn and lifted a few planks of wood off the whimpering, toothless pegasus she had just beaten.

“…”

“Fashionista? White coat, purple mane? Unicorn-type, extra prissy?” The hulking stallion stared at her, his cigarette dangling loosely from his mouth.

“She owns the bucking store, Dodge.”

He pulled a pair of hoofcuffs from a stack carried on his tail and lifted the second pegasus by his mane from the mess of debris he had landed in. With a couple of clicks, the pony’s wings and hooves had all been cuffed together in a Gordian knot of chains. Dodge tossed him in the middle of the showroom floor where Cherry had finished cuffing the larger subject.

“Details. Write it off as officer safety. Wasn’t there a unicorn down here?” The two policeponies turned to the rear of the room where the hooded unicorn was quietly attempting to slip back out the window. Cherry whipped her baton back into the air with a buzz of unicorn magic, sending it flying towards him and knocking him roughly across the back of the skull. He tumbled face-first out the window, landing on the grass outside with a dull thud. Jogging to the open window, she looked outside to make sure he was sufficiently unconscious.

“Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law, which will lack any peers, because jury duty doesn’t send letters to asshole criminal scum!” She telekinetically lifted the dazed unicorn back inside, enchanting two pairs of hoofcuffs around his legs. Another one on the pile.

Dodge took a quick look around the boutique, assessing the damage dealt by two airborne wagons, flying bodies, and surprise entrances. His cigarette was burning dangerously low as he did a couple quick calculations.

Estimated damage: 200,000 bits. He spat his cigarette out, grinding it into the rubble on the floor with one hoof.

Estimated damage: 200,001 bits.

“Record low for collateral damage. We only smashed up one building this week, an’ it’s still standin’. Mostly. Th’ Commander should be happy.” He lit another cigarette, stashing his lighter back into the equipment harness draped over his shoulders.

"What in the blueberry buck happened down here?”

Both policeponies spun towards the stairwell, where a frazzled, fuming unicorn was hopping daintily down the stairs – hoofcuffs on all four legs. Her stylish purple mane was ragged with fury, her eyes pinpricks of total rage. Cherry noted that Dodge might have crossed a line restraining the owner of the place. Maybe several lines. With police in hot pursuit.

Heaving a pile of wreckage to the side, Dodge unearthed the leader of the thieves and picked up the stallion’s stylish shades. Somehow undamaged in the brutal retribution of The Law, they appeared as good as new. He slipped them onto his nose and dragged the groaning earth pony into the light of the store.

“Sorry, ma’am. We’ll finish takin’ care of these morons and be on our way. Let’s jus’ get this mask off your snout…” Rarity babbled to nopony in particular for a few seconds, and then resigned herself to fuming silently as she watched Dodge try to remove the balaclava from the mystery pony’s head. “Cherry, would ya mind getting those hoofcuffs off ‘er for me?” Cherry moved to begin removing the enchanted steel cuffs as Rarity hopped the last few steps down to the ground level and surveyed the carnage in her showroom. Something seemed to fizzle out in her mind once she saw the full extent of the damage, her eyes glazing over for a moment. When she turned her head back to the policeponies, they could see a singular thought behind her gaze. Murder.

“I'll destroy you! You...you fiends! You monsters! You've committed nothing less than fashion murder in the third degree!” She tried to lunge at Dodge, tripping herself up on the half-unlocked hoofcuffs and falling to the floor in a fit of screaming and barely understandable threats.

“I take it back. Best to leave ‘er in the cuffs for now.”

As the stallion regained consciousness, he shook his head out of the mask and blinked at his captors. Rarity paused her shrieking to stare at the pony’s face before sudden realization crippled her on the spot.

“Hoity Toity? What in Equestria are you doing here?” She looked confused, growing still enough to let Cherry unlock the cuffs around her legs with a burst of magic. Stumbling to her hooves, she stepped closer to the battered fashion mogul. He snorted, spitting out a tooth and whining when he saw the molar on the floor.

“Rarity, you foal, I wanted your ridiculously fabulous dresses. If I’m going to crush the Canterlot fashion scene with my withering critique, I need a line of my own work that can put everything else to shame. And these-“ he gestured wildly to the few remaining dresses on display, “-were going to lead my unveiling next week. Nopony would listen to the amateur designer from boring old Ponyville if I said they were all my design.” Venom dripped from his words as he looked at Dodge and Cherry. “And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for you two sadistic ruffians!”

With that, he kicked himself out from under Dodge’s grip and sprinted through the hole in the front of the shop, heading for the hills. Dodge grinned and winked at Rarity, puffing slightly at his cigarette.

“Want me to get ‘im, Cherry? Nothin’ my pals Law and Order can’t deal with.” He flexed his gigantic hind legs, lowering himself and preparing to charge after the fleeing Hoity Toity. Rarity couldn’t help but glance at his frame again as he settled into position. She reflexively gnawed on her hoof as she tried not to blurt out the fashion brainstorm that was building inside her. With a smirk, Cherry stepped ahead of Dodge and lit her horn up with magic.

“Don’t worry about it, Dodge. I was kinda hoping he’d make a run for it.” As Hoity Toity rushed away from the boutique, a loud rattling began to grow in intensity. He never saw the last wagon coming for him. With a deafening crash, the cart T-boned him and sent hundreds of pieces of fine china hurtling through the air around his body. “I set that one up earlier. It looked too loud to resist hitting somepony with it.” She took a few steps outside, amplifying her voice with a quick spell from her horn.

“HOITY TOITY! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR ATTEMPTING TO STEAL PRIVATE PROPERTY, SELL IT AS YOUR OWN, AND GENERALLY BEING A TOTAL DICK! YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, WHICH I SUGGEST YOU EXERCISE BECAUSE YOUR ACCENT IS ANNOYING AS HELL! ANYTHING YOU SAY, AND LOTS OF THINGS YOU DIDN’T, WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW! YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN ATTORNEY! WE DON’T CARE IF YOU HAVE AN ATTORNEY OR NOT, SINCE REGARDLESS OF YOUR DEFENSE YOU WILL BE FOUND A GUILTY, USELESS SACK OF SHIT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THESE RIGHTS AS THEY HAVE BEEN READ TO YOU?”

The three ponies could faintly hear the sound of a grown stallion weeping under a heap of crushed china.

Total estimated damage: 245,679 bits.

Public Servants (or Enemies)

Many thanks to Sabre, who offered his time as editor, prereader, and all-around swag individual.

Explosions. A tower of flames and shooting stars, shattering glass and great big combustible piles of coal heaped under oil tankers. Lots of oil tankers. All the oil and natural gas reserves pumping through the buildings from Fillydelphia to Manehattan, stuffed in a conveniently-built box made of matches and tinder. Boom.

The young, white policemare let her thoughts continue to ramble for a few moments. The real world was depressing her on a fundamental level, so Cherry was thinking of happy things instead. Loud, explosive things.

A heap of papers towered over her, shifting dangerously from side to side as the disgustingly-large pile threatened to collapse in on itself. When she started her job here as a policepony, she’d been a naïve little filly who was too eager to do all of the busywork around the office. She had refused to believe the signs, and instead spent her hours filling out statements, inking in police worksheets, and cataloguing those little tickets that she loved to write so much.

After working this beat for nearly a year, though, she knew the truth: the paperwork was mocking her. No matter how much fun she had out on the streets, it knew she’d always have to come back to file, sketch, and write. She lifted her head off the desk to glare reprehensively at the teetering forms.

Yep. You could tell by how the stack swayed, dislodging a document or two and littering the floor around her work area with lookout sheets and eyewitness accounts. And, of course, the endless swarm of damage receipts. Very briefly she prayed to Celestia that the pile would finally tip and crash down, smothering her to death in a heap of forever unfiled waivers. Hell, she’d have the last laugh one way or another.

Her suicidal streak petered out as she considered setting them all on fire instead.

Not today, Cherry. She glanced at the wall beside her desk. The sign that her Watch Commander had tacked to the bulletin screamed out at her in bold, printed letters: ABSOLUTELY NO INDOOR PYROTECHNICS. Multiple sentences elaborating “on pain of death” followed in fine print. Bucking killjoy is what he was. With a quiet sigh, she began pulling sheets from the top of the pile, magicked her patrol pen into the air, and began to fill them out. A quick glance at her watch didn’t help; 2:16 AM, nearly four hours until shift was over.

Three hours later, and the mountain of silently laughing papers had moved from one side of the desk to the other. Cherry’s horn sparked as she struggled to move the stupid pen across the last few sheets remaining in front of her. She was so focused on putting pen to paper that she didn’t notice Dodge standing next to her.

“Mornin’, Cherry.”

“IT WAS ALREADY ON FIRE!” She jumped, letting a burst of magic slip through her horn. The pen exploded in her grip. “…Thanks, Dodge. Guess that page is done now,” she muttered as she swept the mess of ink and paper into her wastebasket. Dodge glanced at the pile in the garbage and flicked his cigarette butt on top. With a satisfying poomf, the trash burst into flames.

“Celestiadammit, I hate you,” Cherry whispered. The stallion just grinned and stomped the flame out with one hoof. Wiping her area clean with a spare statement sheet, she tossed the rest of the mess in her back-up trash can under the desk. “How long have you been done with your file?” Dodge blinked.

“My what?”

“Your paperwork, Dodge. Did you even do it?” She looked longingly at the pile of ash and scraps in her wastebasket. Maybe she’d have a chance to burn something when she got home. Her breakfast, most likely.

“What, that stack of junk on my desk th’ clerk left for me? Yeah, I got to it. Stuff’s great for workin’ off stress.” He popped his neck and adjusted the sunglasses he’d swiped from Hoity Toity. When Dodge had first started wearing the large purple aviators around, Cherry had thought he was just joking at the Canterlot colt-cuddler’s expense. But, she had to (grudgingly) admit they looked pretty good on him. “I just finished ‘em up in the weight room, actually.” Cherry’s ears twitched.

“…What were you doing with your paperwork in the weight room?”

“It only took me about six or seven minutes to pulp ‘em this time,” he nodded proudly. “I usually start off by punching each individual paper, twenty or thirty times. Y’know, high reps. I tried it out on full stacks a’ fifty today, though. Grind ‘em down, get a good feel for ‘em. And sometimes,” he leaned in conspiratorially, “I kick ‘em.” He finished with a massive grin before digging for another smoke.

Dodge watched as Cherry’s eyes began twisting around in spasms before laughing and sauntering back to his desk.

“Officers Cherry-Anne Berries and Dodge Charger, report to the Watch Commander’s office immediately.”

The telltale bark of the station’s PA system brought her out of a violently whirling cloud of thoughts, most of them reflecting on how she’d best like to murder her partner. With a groan, she stepped away from her desk and wove through the filing cabinets towards the Chief’s office. She chanced a look inside the drunk tank on her way.

“Oh! Fantastic! Good morning, Officer Berries.” A beaming earth pony stallion greeted her from behind the bars, lying on his side and covered nearly head to hoof in a mess of zip ties, hoofcuffs and military-grade tow chains. The only part of his light brown hide that showed through the tangle of restraints was his head, which he was waggling back and forth as he tried to roll himself upright.

“How’s it going, Doctor? Working on your next big escape plan?” She stopped and watched him wiggle around until he finally made his way to a sitting position.

“Ah, well…you know me, Officer. I ought to be out of here in…ooooh, twenty minutes or so. Do I smell bananas from the break room down the hall? That’s good. Bananas are excellent.” His blue eyes darted around quickly, nose raised to catch another whiff.

“How many times have we had you in here this month, Doc?” Cherry smiled faintly as she watched his focus wander around the cell.

“Well, counting this morning, I’d say six or seven. Wouldn’t keep coming back, you know, but it’s just such fantastic fun. I’ve always wondered if there was a system you use to apply these restraints, but I’m beginning to think it’s more of an art than an exact sort of science. Bravo on your comrades’ technique, by the by. These are far sturdier than the last few times I’ve managed to sneak my way out…oh, yes. That seems to have worked.” He paused, and as he gave a slight twist, a barely audible click came from somewhere under the first two layers of chain. Cherry couldn’t help but giggle.

“I’ll leave you to it, Doc. Gotta go chat with the boss. Still up for lunch tomorrow?” she trotted away from the cell, listening to him grunt for a few seconds before replying.

“Oh – ah, yes, I should definitely be there. I wanted to ask you about how you magic up those hoofcuffs you’re so good at, and – whoop, that one was a doozy. Doozy-woozy. Wibbly-wobbly chainy-wainy. Haha! That’s interesting. I’d say I’m getting the hang of this. I still have a few layers to go, and I’m not sure how hungry I’ll be – well, I’ve never been one to turn down a meal anyway, I’ll just have to mind how much produce I borrow from the break room today, got to mind my figure, and all that, though I could always just go for a quick trip once I’ve eaten. I always seem to get some running in whenever I travel. Wonderful for the waistline, keeps a colt slim. A funny story about that, actually-“

Cherry stepped through the Chief’s door and shut it behind her, drowning out the rest of the Doctor’s babble.

“Officer Cherry-Anne Berries, move your flank and ignore that tank!”

Ah. He was in a good mood today.

“To sum up, Charger, if you do not terrorize, I. Will. Not. Sympathize!” The Ponyville Police Department Watch Commander, Captain Iron Will, dwarfed the desk he stood behind. He punctuated every word with a judo chop in Dodge’s direction. Behind the bellowing minotaur, Cherry could see several framed photos of the highlights from his old self-help seminars. Crowds cheered on command when Iron Will demanded it, rooting for nervous volunteers on the stage where he force-fed them the words that would change their lives.

The pictures were also the only relatively undamaged items in the room. Iron Will was notorious for demolishing his office furnishings, and a sizeable portion of the department’s budget was set aside simply for new desks, lamps, and decorative inspirational posters.

“Now that I have you both here, we can get to business. I took a look at the report from your larceny case this morning. All I want to say is that your conduct in handling that issue was…” Steam seemed to rise from his fur as he paused for effect.

“Excellent! You two are without a doubt the greatest instruments of absolute destruction in the name of the law that this department has ever seen. BUT! That. Is. Not. Enough. A new breed of criminal is always waiting. Always watching. Always preparing to strike at any breach in our beautiful town’s defenses! And YOU-" he swung an immense arm towards the two police officers, shattering a desk lamp in the process, “are among the first line of defense against this evil. Ours is a proud tradition, filled with honor, duty, and excess violence at every opportunity. You two personify what I feel every police force in the nation should be!” The hulking creature sat back in his chair and sipped daintily at a tiny espresso cup.

“And that’s why I also volunteered the two of you to escort the Princesses in their Canterlot parade this afternoon.”

Dodge seized up and choked on his cigarette. Unable to hide the malicious grin that was growing on her face, Cherry swatted him a few times across the back to help the stallion out. He looked like he was about to wet himself. His eyes darted around the room for a few seconds before he realized there was no escape. The door was locked, the window was barred, and an unstable minotaur blocked any potential weapons.

Coughing a bit to clear the smoke from his lungs, Dodge fumbled with his outrageously flashy shades before asking meekly, “When you say Princesses, Chief…that includes Celestia?”

“And just what is your problem, officer!?” Iron Will’s stage voice nearly bowled the gigantic stallion over. He didn’t even need his trademark microphone. “Princess Celestia and Princess Luna specifically requested a police escort dispatched from the Ponyville PD, and I’ll pull my horns right out of my skull before I send them anything but my best, so pony the buck up, Charger. And do something about those sunglasses, they look like something a colt-cuddling schoolfoal would wear on his first and last un-pathetic day of class.” The grey policepony staggered under the full brunt of the captain’s tirade.

“Look, boss, it’s not like I don’t wanna represent the town or anythin’. I just don’t wanna represent the town anywhere near Princess Celestia.”

“Charger, you served in the Royal Guard for five years before you came here to join the department. Now,” Iron Will rubbed his temples roughly, trying to hold back another rant, “you are going to explain to me WHY YOU REFUSE TO STAND BESIDE YOUR BENEVOLENT RULER, TO PROTECT AND DEFEND HER, AND TO DO WHAT THE BUCK I TELL YOU TO!”

A safe distance away from Dodge, a certain red-maned mare was having trouble holding her laughter in front of her supervisor and her increasingly uncomfortable partner. Finally losing control, she rolled over onto her side and began laughing out loud, weeping and cackling at the visibly shaken earth pony. After a few seconds of stunned silence between the minotaur and the stallion, she wiped a hoofful of tears from her eyes and sat up.

“Chief…let’s just say that during his tour of duty, Dodge here might have drawn a little, uh…unwanted attention from Her Highness.”

“The crazy mare’s in love with me! I dunno what to do, Chief, I can’t go back there, please-“ Dodge’s pleas were shut down with a loud crack from Iron Will’s ferocious judo chop as it nearly split the desk in two.

“What you will do, Charger, is escort your tiara-sporting supreme ruler and follow her every command, like a good soldier should. I don’t give two pegasus shits if she’s hoof-deep in you by the time the parade is over. If it will help her recreation, you will submit to violation!” He fisted the air furiously, simultaneously striking the lewdest and most destructive pose the office had ever seen. His desk split straight down the middle as his elbow dropped, crushing it and the miniature espresso instantly. Cherry could hear fireworks launching somewhere nearby. “Now get out of my office. You need to be on the train to Canterlot at noon.”

Dodge stumbled outside, too disturbed to say anything. His partner followed, shutting the door behind her and passing by the drunk tank again on her way out. A note flitted around the empty cell near a large coil of chains:

Dear Officer Berries,

I only took one banana. Excellent source of potassium!

-The Doctor

Novelties And Knuckledusters

Dodge was nervous.

Actually, “nervous” was a really weak word for his situation; he was sweating bullets. The large, grey policecolt counted the minute movements it took for him to raise a hoof to his face. Brushing his midnight-blue mane from his purple eyes, he slightly adjusted the lavender aviators that he’d been getting snarky comments on throughout the train ride to Canterlot.

They could all go buck themselves, he thought. Right now what he needed was a security blanket, and these damn sunglasses would fit the bill. Actually, when he stopped to think about it, what he truly needed was a fifth of Applejack Daniels to calm his nerves, and then a shot or two to chase it down. Maybe another shot to give the previous two a little pep talk, try to get ‘em ready for the day ahead. Oh, Celestia, today.

He mentally kicked himself as he involuntarily swore using the Princess’ name. She was the last mare he wanted to be thinking about today. Or at all. Ever.

Officer Dodge Charger was seated stone-faced next to his partner Cherry n’Berries on the noontime train from Ponyville to Canterlot. She had opted for a quick nap along the way, while he had slowly reverted back to his Royal Guard training and was now completely immobile on the bench. His eyes were fixed on a specific point in space that training had burned into his brain, securing them faster than every muscle in his body. If somepony tried to look at him for too long, they’d have to blink from the effort.

The two policeponies were dressed in all of their post’s finery. Crisp-looking caps covered their heads, bearing a silver police shield above the brim. Over their normal armored vests, they sported deep blue uniforms, pressed and starched until the creases could cut steel. Dodge wistfully remembered a day that he had actually tried that after reporting for a uniform inspection. A few of the bars sealing off their department’s cell block still hadn’t been repaired.

They both wore their equipment belts cinched around their waists, loaded with batons, pepper spray, hoofcuffs, extremely unreliable walkie-talkies (powered by a combination of gemstones and prayer), and Dodge’s pack of Mareboro Red cigarettes. He hadn’t touched a smoke since they had boarded the train. Cherry had noticed in between her regularly-paced powernaps. Stifling a groan, she sat up and cracked her slim back before addressing the unnaturally uptight pony.

“Dodge, you’ve gotta get a grip. We’re almost there. Let’s just get through today, get back home, slam a few drinks at The Filthy Whore, and hit the sack.” Cherry blinked the sleep out of her bright blue eyes as she finished waking up. Vaguely she thought that it should have been physically impossible for her partner to have sat totally immobile for nearly an hour, and that she should probably be more concerned than she was…but, again, it was a very vague thought.

“Look, yes, you’re gonna have to walk next to the Princess for a while. Yes, she’ll definitely remember you, and yes, she’ll probably take advantage of you the first chance she gets. Yes, I’ll be taking juicy photos the entire time. But you shouldn’t let any of that get you down! And depending on how much you spot me for drinks tonight, I won’t even show the Chief anything involving you being molested by a Sun Goddess.” Her stone-faced partner didn’t budge. The thousand-yard stare continued. Somewhere outside the train, a songbird died in midflight as Dodge’s gaze shattered its fragile heart.

“Dodge. Dodge. Look at you. What would Feathers say?” He grunted unintelligibly without moving a single muscle. Well, it was a start. Bringing up the most recent addition to the police force’s numbers always ruffled him up a bit. “That’s right. She’d probably laugh at you. Call you a real lame-o. Are you gonna take that from the chick that just got slapped with Dispatch duty?” The stallion cracked his mouth open slightly, grinding his teeth as he pictured hearing her chew him out.

“That’s better. Are you gonna be a big, brave policepony today?” She cooed playfully, giving him a rough punch on the shoulder. The impact against his tense body made her hiss painfully; for all she knew, she’d just punched concrete.

Almost below the level of equine hearing, Cherry could make out one word as her partner’s lips opened and shut.

“Yes.”

“Great! Because we’re here. Let’s get you assaulted and take some photos to laugh at in the years to come. C’mon.” The train was pulling to a stop, easing up to the platform as the conductor leaned outside and shouted at a few colts playing near the tracks.

Cherry hopped to her feet and joined the line of ponies slowly filing out of the car. She turned to Dodge and nodded her head towards the door, eventually persuading him to step away from the bench and out of the train with her. Even on his feet he maintained perfectly rigid control of every muscle, staring into the distance and moving with a slow, deliberate step that a pony might use on the way to death row. It looked exhausting.

“MOVE IT, CHARGER!” The white mare stepped behind Dodge and shoved him as hard as she could, forcing him to keep a decent pace as the two made their way towards Canterlot Castle. She knew that if he really, truly, wanted to stay there, nothing short of telekinetically lifting him all the way to the palace’s gates would make him move. She’d seen dirtbags facing twenty-five-to-life more enthusiastic than this. “It’s about one o’clock now, and the parade starts at half-past three. We need to get to the palace and report in to the Princesses within the next fifteen minutes. Can you at least move with a purpose?” He grunted noncommittally, but picked up his pace a bit.

They passed several ponies setting up for the parade, erecting booths full of interesting wares and carting heaps of food towards the final parade field where the Princesses would finish their ceremony. A silvery-maned unicorn mare had begun tidying up a small stage on one street corner, setting several props behind the curtain and adjusting her robe and wizard hat. Down another alley two gangly unicorn stallions were busily rehearsing a short musical number, something that involved a lot of royalty-directed flattery and hopes for future investment in questionable brewing equipment.

Today was an important day for Equestria, and all of Canterlot was out in the streets getting ready. It was the first Lunar Light celebration since Princess Luna’s return from the moon and her possession by Nightmare Moon. Tonight’s lunar calendar called for the largest, fullest moonrise in the past seven centuries, and the younger alicorn would be raising it above the horizon after the parade had finished and before the festivities were set to commence. Already the shopkeepers were stocking their racks full of glitter-coated tiaras, sparklers, fireworks, and mouth-watering moon pies. A few of them catered to the after-dark and adults-only portion of the event, stocking glowsticks, flashing strobes, and copious amounts of alcohol. All kinds. Dodge looked on pitifully as several competing bartenders began practicing their craft against each other for the evening. The idea of drinking himself numb began to grow stronger.

With all of the problems the citizens of Equestria had endured over the past year, including the return of Nightmare Moon, Discord, and most recently, the Changeling Swarm, everypony was in a pretty good mood for a little celebration – especially the Princess of the Night herself. Rumor had it that even though she had been attempting small forays into the outside world again, she was still silently blaming herself for the fear of Nightmare Moon that her citizens often felt near her. This festival revolved around her beautiful night sky and the time that she took to prepare it for the ponies around the world every evening.

That also meant that absolutely nothing could go wrong, and even though Cherry and Dodge were there more as a novelty than legitimate protection, it was their job to make sure the Princesses were safe throughout the day and into the night. The Royal Guard was always present, but the policeponies would be escorting the Princesses on their circuit around the city personally.

Speaking of the Guard…

“Halt. State your business at Canterlot Castle.” A bleached-white hoof stopped Cherry and Dodge from entering the main gate to the palace’s reception hall. Flanking either side of the doorway was a pegasus Guardspony, who stood snorting at the two members of Ponyville’s finest under their heavy golden armor. “Wait…hey, Steel, is this who I think it is?” His hoof still barring their way, the leftmost guard began to smile.

The owner of the offending hoof grinned at his partner, breaking his rough Guard demeanor to look Dodge up and down like he was judging a head of lettuce at the supermarket. The second Guard, apparently named Steel, nodded gruffly and resumed staring off at the horizon. He didn’t want to deal with this.

“Captain Dodge Charger, in the flesh. Oh, whoops, looks like it’s Officer Charger now, huh? Say…you don’t have to escort Princess Celestia, do you?”

“Nimbus…” Steel warned his partner, his demeanor stoic even while reprimanding the dense pegasus.

“Hey, hey, I’m not intimately acquainted with Her Highness, Charger. Would you mind giving me a few pointers on how to get there? How to Woo a Goddess in 10 Simple Steps? Dating With Alicorns? Maybe the Magical Rape Victim’s Awareness Guide?”

“Lieutenant Cumulo Nimbus. Shut. Up.” Steel broke his pose to glare at the excited Guard. Cherry was getting a little steamed, too; she was the only pony around here allowed to talk shit to Dodge. This joker hadn’t earned the right. Before she could drag him to the side and give him a little wall-to-wall chat, the idiot blabbed one last time:

“Heard you quit the Guard because you couldn’t handle the heat of the sun shining from your a-”

Dodge’s sunglasses slid off, his face suddenly inches from Nimbus’. The pegasus froze in terror, staring helplessly into the gigantic earth pony’s gaze. Beyond his pupils, Nimbus could see a dread he’d never experienced before in his life. Worlds burned, ponies wept. Horrors his mind couldn’t fathom reached out through two empty purple eyes.

Without a word, Dodge slipped his shades back on and walked through the gate. Cherry regarded the still-frozen pony for a moment and shrugged to Steel, trotting after her partner. Nimbus’ forced gasp caught up with her ears as she entered the castle.

“Steel…Steel, dude. What did he do? I can’t see. I can’t see a thing. Shit, Steel, I’m blind, what did he do?”

“You bucking idiot…stumble your way around the grounds until you bump into a medic. I’m not helping you.”

They breezed inside the castle, letting the din of the palace staff drown out the cries of a panicked Guard out front. The reception hall stretched out in front of the two ponies, and a red carpet led up a grand staircase to the Great Hall where the Princesses ruled from their thrones. Tapestries filled the spaces between intricate stained-glass windows which rose a dozen meters off the ground. The hustle and bustle from the city had found its way inside as servants and Guards ran back and forth, frantically making preparations for the evening. Cherry pointed and laughed every time two or three of them collided in a heap on the marble floor, sending bits of armor and carefully packed supplies flying.

As soon as he had stepped through the door, though, Dodge had completely locked up again. For a flickering second, Cherry wondered if he’d be okay, but the rattling of the camera in her pocket reminded her that she still wanted something fun to hang on the wall at work. She considered herself a true master of her art – which, while not traditional photography, was immensely satisfying in its own right. Collecting blackmail material had always straddled the fine line between “innocent hobby” and “dangerous obsession.” Ah, hell, Dodge would live. He’d been through tougher stuff.

“C’mon, big guy, let’s get it done.” She led the way up the staircase, weaving around frenzied servants all the way up the daunting number of steps. Dodge followed closely behind her, moving entirely on autopilot. He believed without a doubt that his mortal soul had nearly left his body. Time seemed to slow around him as he remembered climbing this same staircase every day, wearing the heavy, fitted plate armor of the Guard and proudly protecting an immortal ruler.

He couldn’t even picture her in his head without the visual being dominated by her terrifying grin. Nopony else ever saw that grin. Nope, he had unwittingly been a very special addition to her personal guard. Finally, the great pair of double doors cracked open, allowing the two policeponies into the throne room. Flickering images of a rat slinking into an open trap spun through Dodge’s head.

An incredibly smooth, reassuring voice greeted the officers in dulcet tones as the doors quickly slammed shut behind them.

“Ah, hello, my little ponies.”

What Seems To Be The Problem, Officer?

War. War never changes.

Captain Dodge Charger of the Equestrian Royal Guard, 78th Armored Company, had heard that somewhere before. He wasn’t sure whether or not war never changed, but it was comforting to know that something might as well be consistent around here.

After five years of stellar service with the Guard, Dodge had spent the last four months serving with a hoof-picked detachment of the finest soldiers in Princess Celestia’s military. As the sun slowly rose beyond the familiar windows outside the Princess’ bedchambers, he glanced side-to-side and checked to be sure his soldiers were in position. On his right, First Lieutenant Blue Steel shuffled his wings quietly and nodded back to him. On his left, the unfortunately-named Second Lieutenant Dingle Dangle preened herself in a compact mirror that she kept levitating in front of her face with a faint whine of unicorn magic.

“Dangle, it’s time. Put it away.” Dodge snorted and turned back to face the bedchamber doors. Blushing sheepishly, the tan unicorn tucked her mirror away under the breastplate of her gilded armor. Behind the three officers, four capable Sergeants of the Guard snapped to attention as the beautifully-carved doors leading to Princess Celestia’s bedroom slowly opened. Dodge bowed deeply as the Princess herself stepped through the doorway.

“Good mornin’, your Highness. The sunrise is as beautiful s’ ever today. Are you ready for breakfast?” Celestia raised a pure-white hoof to her mouth as she chuckled.

“Captain, ever with the flattery. Be careful whose work you compliment; they may just believe it. And yes, let’s all get something to eat before Court opens. Lead the way, my little ponies.”

Their beloved Princess stepped regally into the hallway as the two lieutenants and the four sergeants took positions around her. Dodge walked a step behind Celestia herself, glad he had put a smile on her lovely face so early in the day. He chanced another look out the window as the Goddess and her escort trotted towards the royal kitchens.

There is absolutely nothing that can go wrong today, the Captain thought to himself. The sunrise seemed to agree with him, lifting above the horizon and bathing everything in a warm, comfortable light.

Everything except the land directly beneath a strange, pink, cottony cloud formation in the distance.

“I’m so glad you’re both here! My sister and I have been looking forward to this celebration for quite a while.”

Her Royal Highness, Princess Celestia, Harbinger of the Light and Keeper of Harmony, sat regally on a large, plush throne at the opposite end of the Grand Hall that Dodge and Cherry had found themselves in. Her younger sister, Princess Luna, Weaver of the Night and Dream-Mother, sat next to her and regarded the two policeponies with an appreciative eye.

Dodge only vaguely realized that the gigantic doors to the hall behind him were now locked.

His eyes were fixed on the Goddess that was now stepping down from her throne and sauntering towards them, her sister in tow. By reflex, his attitude flipped a complete one-eighty and he stood fast in a position of attention. His muscles solidified, his heartbeat slowed, and he focused his eyes beyond the Princesses and became, for all intents and purposes, another Royal Guardspony. Cherry tried to match his flawless form, but she couldn’t stay that still unless rigor mortis decided to set in.

Chancing a quick glance at her partner, she checked his pinprick purple eyes. Yyyyep. Behind the military exterior, the flash of terror still danced in his pupils. As the Princesses neared, Cherry could almost see something spark and fizzle out in the stallion’s brain; she knew he was dead to the world. She wondered if he was still breathing.

“Officer Cherry-Anne Berries and…retired Captain Dodge Charger…I’m very excited about my sister’s procession this evening. Are the two of you prepared to accompany us to the parade field?” Celestia had stopped her advance less than three feet from them, Luna hovering behind her like a shadow. The elder sister’s sunlight-infused mane danced through the air near Dodge’s face in a wind that wasn’t there, and her pristine white coat seemed to glow in the sun’s rays that reached through the stained-glass windows. She was the absolute picture of otherworldly beauty – aside from the growing smile that was spreading just a little too far across her face.

Cherry grimaced as the Princess’ smile began to reach slasher-grin levels. Reaching slowly for her breast pocket, she edged her camera out and took a quick picture. Celestia didn’t even notice, what with her silent staring contest she was sharing with Dodge. Luna had noticed the bright flash, though, and followed the angle of the camera lens to the white alicorn’s creepy face.

“Why, Officer…I find your sunglasses stunning. Purple suits you. You never did accessorize much while you were my escort.” The words flowed between the Princess’ flawless teeth.

Damn, you’ve gotta have some extra face muscles to hold a leer that long, Cherry thought to herself. Luna seemed to be a little more concerned, and gently tapped on her sister’s side.

“Dear sister...We would like to remind thee that Our preparations have yet to be finished. We would be most appreciative if thy guests would adjourn for the moment so that we may speak...” Celestia pointedly ignored her sister, nearly touching nose-to-nose with the grey policecolt frozen in an icy state of military bearing.

“Tia. Thou art scaring these fair guests. Thou art frightening Us. We have talked about this, Tia.” Luna’s mane, reflecting the starry night sky, began stirring around her and shifting to a slightly cloudier shade of nightfall. Her beautiful blue down seemed to darken subtly as her teal eyes narrowed. One of her pupils jittered and changed shape, becoming long, thin - almost reptilian. With a soft flash of light and a quiet click, Cherry snapped another photo. Celestia’s face shrouded over with the familiar mask of quiet serenity she was known for.

“I apologize, sister…thank you for your concern. Please, there’s no need to bring the Nightmare into this.” Princess Celestia nodded to her younger, increasingly frightening partner. Luna blinked, her eyes returning to their soft and calculating half-lidded state. Cherry blinked as well, out of surprise, and when her eyes opened again every trace of Nightmare Moon was gone. The Night Princess smiled genuinely at her and Dodge.

Quietly tucking the camera away into her pocket again, Cherry idly wondered which of the two would win in a fight – the closeted nymphomaniac or the schizophrenic shut-in. Whatever the case, it would probably be a kick-ass film. She made a mental note to bring a camcorder next time she was in the area and find a way to get some footage.

“Dear representatives of the fine township of Ponyville,” Luna began, “We thank thee for volunteering thy time and service for this evening’s festival, though We are truly sorry that thy initial impression of Us should be tainted by Our…less patient self. Please do not worry, the Nightmare is more of a tool that We use these days when things do not go Our way. Her spirit was calmed when the Elements tore her from Us.” She blushed in embarrassment.

“We should like very much to spend some time with both of thee and hear of the happenings in Ponyville. Perhaps after the ceremony?”

Aaaand that’s two for two on the crazy monarch scoreboard, Cherry thought.

“Absolutely, Princess. I figure Dodge here could use a drink or two after the parade’s over, anyway; poor guy’s had a tough morning. So – anything you need us to do before we get the parade started?” Cherry smiled brightly.

“We wish to speak with Our sister in private before we leave. Please relax outside until we are ready to depart.” Luna nodded and strolled away towards her throne, leaving a trail of glittering starlight in her wake. Celestia grinned devilishly as soon as her dark sister had turned her back.

“Officer Charger.”

“Yes, your Highness!” He practically barked.

“I’d like very much to speak with you in private before we begin, as well.”

“Yes, your Highness!”

“You remember where my chambers are, I presume?”

“Yes, your Highness!”

“Twenty minutes. Don’t be late.”

“Yes, your Highness!” Wherever Dodge was right now, the body in front of Celestia was vacant and running on autopilot. The unicorn beside him winced; he hadn’t heard a single word the Princess had said. Cherry looped a hoof around Dodge’s leg and began dragging him out of the throne room.

Once the policeponies made it back through the double doors, Dodge finally blinked. Looking around the area, he noted everyone in the vicinity: half a dozen guards, twenty or thirty servants running in circles, and Cherry. No princesses. He tried to inspect himself and see if any damage had been done in the last twenty minutes of fugue.

“Well, I don’t feel any more violated than I was. Guess I might’a been overreacting a little.”

Cherry slowly shook her head, no.

“…What did I do, Cher’?”

“You’ve got an appointment with Celestia in her quarters in…seventeen minutes. Don’t be late.” She swatted him on the flank, cantering down the grand staircase and as far away from the grey stallion as she could get. She could hear the massive windows rattle in their mounts as a scream tore its way through the castle.

“FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-”

In another room of the palace, the alicorn sisters stopped their debate over parade details to listen. Celestia perked her ears up at the terrible, pathetic sound.

“What is that noise, Luna?” The darker of the two princesses shook her head and muttered something under her hoof.

“Nothing, dear sister. Just the sound of Ultimate Suffering.”

On a summer morning, months before two policeponies would make their way to Canterlot Castle, breakfast with the Princess had gone off without a hitch once again. The royal chefs had even added a piece of angel food cake, drizzled with cherry liqueur and heaped high with whipped cream and strawberries; Celestia’s favorite treat.

Captain Dodge Charger had even seen the mysterious Princess of the Night at the breakfast table for a change. It was rare that she left her tower during the day, and even rarer for her to stay in the company of anypony but her older sister. She gave him a smile and a polite nod as she left the dining room to retreat to her darker corner of the castle after breakfast. He had felt himself smile back.

Once Celestia had finished her meal, Dodge and his squad accompanied her to the throne room so she could begin holding open court sessions for the morning. It wasn’t long before the first pony stumbled through the double doors, the orange pegasus gasping and panting for breath. Poor guy; seemed like he’d been flying for a while.

“Princess! Princess Celestia! These pink, sugary clouds are tearing Cloudsdale’s Cumulus Production line to shreds! The Rainbow Factory’s completely offline, and we have reports of cotton candy cloud formations moving across the plains around Fillydelphia and Ponyville! They’re disrupting local pegasus weather control formations and raining down-" he paused, checking his message to be sure what he was reading was correct. “…Chocolate milk. They’re raining chocolate milk.”

The Princess and her guards could only stare. Gulping loudly, the messenger continued.

“Yes, your Highness, it is exactly as stupid as it sounds.”

Without announcement or warning, a dapper-looking unicorn burst into the room and threw the messenger out of the way with a flash of telekinesis.

“Princess Celestia! The city of Manehatten is being attacked by wandering groups of ballerinas! And they’re all buffalo!” Behind him, an earth pony in an impressive furred hat barged through the doorway and tripped face-first over the unicorn. Dusting himself off, he barked a couple of words in a gruff foreign language before addressing the Princess.

“Your Majesty, the city of Stalliongrad is buried flank-deep in apple pies. We request immediate aid in clearing the pastries and the damage they’ve caused!”

There was no end to the terrified reports and hastily-scrawled messages pleading for royal intervention. As soon as one pony had relayed his message, another three would be forcing their way through the doors – and in the case of one uncoordinated grey pegasus, through one of the windows.

“Princess! We can’t hold them back any longer! The rabbits are overrunning our mills and stores of food! And they’re all taller than me!”

“Please, your Highness, we need help in Las Pegasus! Every slot machine in every casino is firing their reservoirs of bits at any customer in range! The whole city would be bankrupt already if most of the victims weren’t suffering concussions!”

“Oh, Auntie Celestia! Some filthy rogue has replaced the contents of all my hair products with…with lighter fluid! My gorgeous, golden locks are cinders!”

“ENOUGH!” The ivory alicorn bellowed through the rapidly-filling throne room, bowling several ranks of frightened ponies over with the Royal Canterlot Voice. “Captain Charger, gather your squad. There is something that requires my immediate attention…in the statue garden.”

You Have The Right To Get Loud Now

Dusting off the top of her dress cap with a white hoof, Cherry waited patiently outside the front of the palace. She wanted to catch a little sun and fresh air after her and Dodge’s audience with the Princesses.

I wonder what kind of trouble Dodge is getting himself into up there, she thought to herself.

…Nevermind. I’m pretty sure I know what kind of trouble Dodge is getting himself into up there.

Scanning the grounds absent-mindedly, she noticed that the post where Lieutenant Nimbus had been was conspicuously vacant. Steel was still there, though, staring resolutely out towards the city of Canterlot and none the worse for wear from their earlier encounter. If anything, he seemed cheerful. At least as cheerful as a Royal Guardspony with a perpetual scowl could seem, anyway. With nothing better to do while she waited for whatever would be left of her partner to crawl outside after her, she trotted up beside the pegasus and shot him a glance.

“Hey, uh…Steel, right? Thanks for trying to keep that dickcheese Nimbus off my partner’s back earlier. How’s he holding up?”

“First Lieutenant Blue Steel, Miss Berries. I wouldn’t worry too much about him. Damn idiot got what he was asking for, trying to buck around with the Captain like that. He’s lucky Captain Charger wasn’t trotting around here in his prime. The medical staff wouldn’t have anything left to work with.” Steel smiled as he said it, like all of his favorite jokes had Nimbus on the ass-end of them. “And thanks for looking out for the Captain. He retired under some nasty circumstances, and it’s good to see him back on his hooves, at least. Even if he is getting right back in the thick of it up there.”

The unicorn couldn’t help but wince. Stumbling over his own tongue, Steel couldn’t either.

“…Yeah, that was a poor choice of words. Anyway, Charger’s tougher than he looks. And he looks like a brick wall. Did you know he was the only stallion to get a couple licks in on Discord when he was prancing around the Palace?” Cherry had to admit she didn’t. The most Dodge had ever told her was the fallout of his little run-in with the spirit of Chaos and a very moody Princess, and that had taken the better part of a bottle of Sweet Apple Acres’ best. The policemare sat down next to the Lieutenant, relaxing a bit and making herself comfortable.

“Well, have ya got a minute, L-T? I’m still waiting for Dodge to get back down here, so I’m not going anywhere.” She tilted the brim of her cap back a bit to get a good look at him while he talked; Dodge would never tell her the rest of this story without some more whiskey persuasion, and this Steel guy seemed like he knew what he was talking about.

“Let’s see, then…we were running VIP protection for Princess Celestia together at the time, and once the news started coming in from around the country about the outbreaks of Chaos magic, she had us escort her to the statue gardens…”

Captain Charger thundered ahead of the Princess and his squad members, sprinting through the palace gardens until he could see the towering sculptures that marked the entrance to the statue exhibit. He still wasn’t sure what they were supposed to be looking for, but if something was wrong, there was no way the Princess should be the one to deal with it first.

Banking a corner with Dangle and Steel behind him, Dodge ran nearly full-throttle over a completely unremarkable and totally normal light-brown earth pony, who was currently looking very preoccupied with tasting some...dirt. A cutie mark of a simple-looking hourglass covered his flank, which was waggling in the air around Dodge’s face as the colt tried to get a better mouthful of soil. Catching a glimpse of the surprised captain, the pony spat out a wad of mud and wiped his tongue clean.

“Oh, hello Officer Charger! My, how did you get to Canterlot so fast? Love the armor, by the by, makes you look very…big. Like a big, grey-and-gold mess of concrete, really. Very intimidating. A big, grey-and-gold, increasingly angry mess of concrete. I’m sorry, is something wrong?”

“The name,” Dodge hissed, “Is Captain Dodge Charger of th’ Royal Guard. Now I heard there was some trouble in these gardens. Here’s some strange pony, wanderin’ around the statues and eatin’ dust. Who the buck are you?”

“Really, Officer – I just wished you a very good morning not a couple of hours ago in the Ponyville Police Department. You remember, I was the one in the chains. Lots and lots of them. I tried to be a bit more decent around the snacks this time, only nipped one banana. Speaking of which, I’m very hungry. This dirt here’s gone right off. Terrible stuff. Anyway-” The brown stallion stopped, his pupils shrinking in sudden realization.

“Ah. Well. I am hungry, then, forgot what time it was. Happens quite frequently, especially around dirt. Please just forget everything I just said. So, my name is-”

“Doctor!” Princess Celestia trotted into the statue gardens, flanked on each side by two Sergeants of the Guard. At the sight of the Doctor her quiet air of dignity almost visibly shattered into a dark scowl.

“Oh, hello! It’s been too long, Princess, really, it has. I was just on my way, actually. Been looking for something, nothing too important. I don’t suppose you’ve seen any angels where they shouldn’t be, have you?” Dodge stepped towards the Doctor, backing him into a corner between a stylized sculpture of a pegasus in mid-flight and the thick wall of foliage closing in the garden. Celestia towered behind the Captain, unfurling her wings and fixing a heavy eye on the nervous stallion.

“If you’ve turned up, Doctor, then it’s safe to assume something is definitely wrong. Why are you here?” The slightest glint of anger flashed across her amethyst eyes.

“Well, you know, just happened to be in the area, and such. Noticed something strange about the statues around here, figured I should pop in and have a look around. Statues have always been a tender issue for me, I feel very strongly about them. In fact-” He stuck his tongue out, sniffing loudly and attempting to lick the air.

“What the hell’re you doin’, ‘Doctor?’” Dodge almost clipped him upside the head as the stallion’s tongue wiggled around near his face.

“’M thasthing, why, whath’s it lookth ‘ike?”

The Captain had no words for what he was watching. The Princess groaned behind him and stepped away to begin inspecting the grounds. With a cocky grin, the Doctor sucked his tongue back into his mouth and scurried under Dodge’s armor-clad chest.

“Now, Princess, you might be interested in this...” He sniffed the air a bit more, licked his hoof, and held it to the wind. “Yes. Excellent! It seems that there was very recently a very massive amount of temporal energy displaced in…that general area. Something that was up until now quantum-locked has moved. A very neat trick, that. Can’t imagine the amount of energy it would take to shift it; ooooh, that’s bad. That is definitely very not good.” He pointed towards a curiously empty pedestal in the middle of the grounds, completely absent of any statue at all.

Seeing the pedestal, Princess Celestia immediately bristled and stomped her hoof into the ground. A spiderweb of cracks split the earth around her as sunlight sparkled throughout her mane.

“Captain, have your soldiers send word to Ponyville. Now. I need to speak with the bearers of the Elements.”

The bearers of the Elements of Harmony had come almost immediately at the Princess’ summons, piling into the Tower of the Elements as Celestia herself ordered Dodge and his squad to guard the doorway and bar any other panicked citizens from entering. The Doctor had since disappeared back into the gardens, mumbling something vague about helping. Good riddance, Dodge thought to himself. He paced resolutely outside the doors of the Tower’s entrance hall. At least Steel and Dangle were nearby to help calm his nerves. Dangle was doing her stellar best to get under her pegasus friend’s hide, poking fun at him at every opportunity.

“Y’know, Steel, I think that unicorn mare fancies you. The white one? Oh, she was gorgeous, wasn’t she? And the look she gave you when she came trotting inside…it just sets my heart all aflutter.” The unicorn gave him a lascivious grin, enjoying the odd twitch in Steel’s wings that to an experienced instigator was just another clue of his rising irritation.

Ignoring the two lieutenants for now, Dodge grumbled a bit to himself and reflected on the hoof-ful of details the Princess had given him on the crisis currently sweeping across the country. She had only told him that a powerful enemy of the Princesses, a creature named Discord, had broken free of his prison and was likely planning to stage a coup against them. The Guard may not be up to the task of facing a spirit of his caliber at their current capacity – Dodge would have to speak with Shining Armor and bring a plan for reinforcing the nation’s active duty personnel-

“Oh, Steel, your wings are so large, so strong! So magnificent! I find myself completely unable to resist the noble allure of such a gentlecolt as yourself. As I am the Element of Generosity, I am prepared to give everything to the most fabulous of all the pegasus Guard…” Dangle teetered back and forth in pantomime, draping a hoof across her helmeted face and sighing in ecstasy. Without warning, a white-and-gold blur careened into her, knocking her off her hooves and into a wrestling match on the palace floor.

“That’s it. You’re done, Dangle!” The pegasus tossed his giggling partner around like a rag doll, his closely-cropped sky-blue tail flicking back and forth in agitation as he tried to buck her somewhere not covered in armor.

In too deep to back out now, Dangle continued to giggle as she rolled and juked out of the way of her friend’s strikes. “My, Sir Steel, your form is exquisite – your muscles, to die for! Let us explore the depths of love together and-“ a hoof flew past her face, rattling the gold helmet on her head and causing her to erupt into a new fit of laughter. “Darling, be careful! You could ruin my coiffure!”

“That’s enough. The two o’ ya settle down and get back to your posts. Dangle, just…stop bein’ you for a couple’a minutes, alright? Steel…” The Captain looked his soldier up and down, clapping a hoof on Steel’s shoulder. “…Good eye. Ya got a fine taste in mares. Too bad she’s outta your league.”

The lieutenant murmured something dark under his breath before returning to his vigil next to the doors. Dangle dusted herself off from the scuffle, popping a few dents out of her savaged armor with well-placed bursts of telekinesis. The two still looked a little rowdy, but they were presentable enough. A good thing, too; the doors cracked open, yawning wide to let the six Elements of Harmony run out of the tower’s entrance hall. Dodge wasn’t sure what these six mares were supposed to do, but he’d heard the stories about how they had taken down Nightmare Moon only a few months prior.

The lavender unicorn mare, Twilight Sparkle, gave him a respectful nod as she trotted by. Her earth pony friends Pinkie Pie and Applejack followed closely behind. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash flitted through the air, the cyan flyer sharing a daredevil grin with the Captain as she passed. Rarity flicked her beautifully-styled mane as she brought up the rear, pausing only long enough to whisper a couple words into Steel’s ear. He blushed fiercely as she cantered to catch up with the group. Dangle watched with a smirk as the six ponies ran towards the garden’s labyrinth, apparently on the move to bring the fight to this Discord character.

“So what did she say, Romeo?” Dangle fluttered her eyelashes at the pegasus.

“She…really likes my mane. Shut up.” The red in his face said a little bit more than that. Dodge was about to dig into his soldier a bit on it, but Celestia’s cry from the Tower interrupted him.

“Princess! Squad, on me!”

Captain Charger burst through the double doors, splintering wood with the lieutenants flanking his sides. The princess was sprawled across the marble floor in a heap of her own feathers. She was unconscious, but it didn’t look like she had been harmed. Dodge and Steel posted themselves on either side of Celestia as Dangle checked her vitals.

“It looks like she’s asleep…I can’t find any breaks or lacerations. She’s just – uh…” The high-pitched whine from Dangle’s horn fizzled out as she noticed the creature lying next to her.

“Nurse Dangle, the patient’s in terrible shape! Get me 12,000 cc’s of chocolate milk and fetch my rubber gloves. I simply cannot work without my rubber gloves.” The monster stretched out across the marble like a snake. Everything seemed wrong about him, a mishmash of apparently random animals piled into one strange, grinning prankster. His red eyes were full of smiles, laughs and unadulterated madness – every facet of his appearance telling more about his nature than his name ever could.

The Draconequus’ head disappeared in a flash of fireworks as a metal-shod hoof split the floor under it.

“Discord! What did you do to the princess?” Dodge roared at the Chaos spirit, shaking a puff of dust from his hoof. The trickster himself reappeared floating above the group with a casual grin on his face.

“My, the illustrious Captain Dodge Charger, assisted by his cohorts Lieutenants Steel and Dangle, if I’m correct? To be honest I haven’t done much of anything to the old bore. I admit I was a little worried she may try to interfere in my little game with the Elements, so she’s taking a nap for now…why, do you think I should do something to her?” He smiled deviously. With a snap of his fingers, a massive, brightly-flashing wheel appeared in the air next to him. The spirit’s tufted tail whipped out and sent the wheel spinning wildly while a tiny marker at the top ticked against the spokes around the edge.

“As the three of you seem just as somber and depressing as your beloved ruler, I think I’ll liven things up a bit further. Now, I’ve had a few centuries trapped in stone out there to think about all the things I’d like to do to the dear princess, but I’m afraid that I’m a little preoccupied with her friends in the labyrinth. So! Welcome to an exciting round of Wheel of Misfortune! What will we be doing to Her feathery Highness today? Will it be ‘trapped in stone for one-thousand-plus years?’ No? Maybe ‘to the Sun!’ I like the idea, dramatic irony always did just tickle me. Ooh! How about ‘bananas?’ Strange and mysterious, and slightly disturbing depending on where your imagination takes you with that one.” Discord cackled wildly as the wheel began to slow. At a glance from Dodge, the pegasus beside him stepped to the side and unfurled his wings.

“I swear, you heap of happy-ass bullshit, the minute y’come back down here I’m gonna break my hoof off in your ass n’ play the piano on your appendix,” the captain growled.

“Goodness, Charger, do you kiss your princess with that mouth? I wonder if you can still collect a two-bit deposit on empty threats.”

Nodding to Steel, Dodge stepped over the prone body of the princess and whipped his tail as signal. The pegasus burst from the floor at top speed, soaring straight towards the grinning immortal hovering above them…and straight towards Discord’s outstretched talons.

“I’d like to buy a vowel.”

Massive rubber letters burst into existence around the Guardspony’s body, tightening against him and constricting his limbs. Steel crashed back to the ground with a screech of metal against polished marble, his entire body bound in a mess of large, red A’s and O’s. Manic laughter filled the hall as the lord of Chaos drifted back down to the ground after him, his wheel in tow. The ticker stopped with a soft ding.

“Oh, dear. This may be even more fun than the ‘bananas’ option. What do you think, Captain?”

Emblazoned with festively blinking lights under the ticker was one word: Molestia. Squinting, Dodge could make out the fine print dotting the edge of the wheel above it. Princess Luna will not appear in this episode.

Miles and miles away from the nation of Equestria, from the surface of the planet itself, a very small moon rotated peacefully in the blackness of space. If a curious astronomer had looked through their telescope at the surface of the Moon, they might have noticed a new feature in the crags and crevices of their beloved satellite.

Spelled out across the wide lunar plains in a series of smoking craters was a simple message with an agitated blue speck flying circles around it:

ARE YOU BUCKING KIDDING US

Paranormal Activity

Cheers from the crowd on either side knocked the dazed stallion out of his fugue, confetti and flags as blue as the night sky soaring through the air under the setting sun. Dodge shook his head a few times to clear the last of the clouds from his mind. His partner walked next to him in perfect marching rhythm, her hoofbeats echoing his own as they trotted down Canterlot’s Unity Street. The unicorn’s eye caught his as he glanced around at the parade, and he could see the question there without her having to ask it.

You okay, big guy?

He snorted at the thought. Officer Dodge Charger, former Captain of the Guard and decorated veteran from the Day of Discord – not okay? Please. After all, he’d gone five rounds with a Skystalker wing of soldiers from the Griffin Empire during a minor skirmish in the mountains. The squad that had been called in to assist his team arrived to find himself, Steel and Dangle casually passing around a pipe full of Griffin spiceweed they’d pilfered from the unconscious heap of feathered flyers. He’d grappled a Timberwolf to the ground on a routine patrol of the Everfree’s edge and crushed it into a pile of kindling. He had even spent a week on a personal security detail for that ass of a noble, Prince Blueblood – the days were spent preventing state officials from attempting to murder the fussy prince, and the nights were spent preventing constant hit squads of ex-marefriends from trying to do the same.

All of these accomplishments iced over in his proud heart whenever he tilted his head to look at Princess Celestia. Her smile for the crowd was genuine, her quiet laugh and friendly wave sincere…but whenever her eyes met his, Dodge could swear he saw the telltale gleam of a predator’s gaze as it hunted. She hadn’t always been like this; at least, she hadn’t always been so vicious in her pursuits. Maybe the princess had given him the glad eye when he had started working as her escort, but he was fairly sure she never would have dragged him to the nightmare world of silk bedsheets and embarrassing rumors before Discord’s influence had changed something inside her.

Ugh. Discord. Months after the nation of Equestria had shrugged off the damage the Draconequus had done with wild and unpredictable Chaos magic, Dodge still felt disgusted whenever he thought about the insane creature. He was the one that had done this to the princess. Even after the bastard’s tangled weave of spells was broken by the Elements of Harmony – again – something had been permanently altered behind the Sun Regent’s eyes.

Whatever it was, it made Dodge jumpy just having to walk ahead of her. It was tough to watch the crowds for any sign of a threat and simultaneously juggle his paranoia over Celestia’s wandering eyes. The grey policecolt felt a little more secure having Princess Luna directly behind him, though. She was nearly bursting with restrained joy over the enthusiasm Canterlot was showing for her celebration.

Even though he hadn’t spent much time speaking with her while serving in the palace, Dodge held a lot of respect for the alicorn. She had always been polite and fair with his soldiers. He had heard that she trained her Night Guard of bat-winged operatives personally, so it was a good bet that she still knew how to handle herself during a fight. During his rushed “meeting” with Celestia earlier, Luna had even jumped to his aid under the pretense that she had several private questions for him about the state of affairs in Ponyville and the habits of some of the ponies there.

Dodge warmed up a little as he thought of the dark princess shooing him away from Celestia’s quarters with a wink.

“Thou must hasten away from Our dear sister, officer. She grows hungry in her den and We tire of her games. We will do Our best to distract her. Now run!”

Still confused about the brief conversation and thrilled to have made it out relatively intact, the policepony had jogged out of the palace with the sounds of muffled whining and the impact of ballistic down pillows behind him.

Cherry had been waiting patiently outside the gate, relaxing and listening to Lieutenant Steel’s rambling. The two soldiers spent a moment catching up in their own way before Dodge and Cherry had to leave for the parade’s debut:

“Howdy, L-T Cockholster. How y’been?”

“Just fine, Officer Stranger-Danger. They still don’t make mares your size in the boondocks?”

“Y’know, that’s funny. I just ran into your old flame Rarity this mornin’. Maybe I’ll run into her again tomorrow. Or tomorrow night. Maybe two or three times. Who knows?”

“C’mon, Cap, we both know she’s not your type. Too old, too attractive. Plus, y’know, she’s a mare.”

“Okay, first of all, buck you, Steel. Second, buck you with a fire poker.”

“Missed you too.”

The two stallions parted ways with a hoof-bump, grins plastering both of their faces. Cherry meandered alongside her partner with a deadpan expression on hers.

“We were just getting to the good part, you jerk. Couldn’t you deal with the princess for a couple more minutes?” He had passed her jab off with a dismissive shrug, and now here they were. The alicorn sisters behind the policeponies were gracing the crowds on either side of the street with greetings and smiles, and he and Cherry were doing their absolute best to keep the procession’s pace steady.

Unity Street wound through the bustling market center of Canterlot for a couple of miles, eventually running alongside the recently-completed Moonbeam Park where Princess Luna would perform her quiet ceremony and raise the largest moon anyone other than Celestia herself had ever seen. Pegasi, unicorns and earth ponies alike thronged along the roadside, sporting flags with Luna’s favorite constellations and cracking party poppers open above the princesses. Every few minutes one of the foals would aim a popper at the squad of Guardsponies trotting stiffly behind the sisters, trying to get them to flinch away from the stream of confetti and glitter. No such luck.

As they crept closer and closer to the gorgeous park in the distance, Dodge could just make out a new addition to Unity Street’s architecture: the road ahead split around a large and intricately-detailed fountain, cast from marble and inlaid around the edge with six bright gemstones. Rising above the pool of water in the center of the fountain was Discord’s frozen body, encased in another thousand years’ worth of stone from his second encounter with the Elements of Harmony. Where before he had seemed threatening or unsettling, the look of fear on his face as he was sealed away gave the statue a comical air. A few foals in the crowd were busy tossing peanuts at him.

Seeing the Laughing God covered in party streamers, confetti, and bird shit really did Dodge’s heart a load of good. Smiling despite himself, he almost didn’t notice the dull tapping noise in his ear.

“Hey, Cher’, ya hear that?” He scanned the area but couldn’t put his hoof on what was making the tap-tap-tap he kept hearing.

“Hear what? The cheering? Yeah, fun fact: it’s getting old. Let’s hurry and get to the park.”

“No…that tappin’ noise. Can’t you hear it?” She shook her head and returned to her job. Somepony had to keep an eye on the place while her partner was busy listening to the sound of crazy.

Tap

Tap-tap-tap

“…Is this thing on? Hellloooooooo?”

“What.” Dodge nearly stopped dead in his tracks, tripping up for a few seconds as he heard the unmistakable, unforgettable, impossible voice echoing inside his head. Apparently nopony else could hear it, which somehow made everything worse. He knew that voice.

“I’m haunting you.”

“Oh, goodness, Dodge. You and your cronies are going to have your hooves full with her – believe me, I’ve read the fanfics,” Discord cackled madly behind the Captain. The princess writhed around on the ground wildly, all the colors of the sunrise bleeding from her mane and leaving nothing but bright, rosy hues of pink. “She’s much more interesting this way, anyhow. Honestly, she’s become such a drag over the past thousand years, and – hurk!”

Dodge’s metalshod rear hooves planted themselves firmly in the Draconequus’ stomach, forcing a splatter of blood out of the monster’s mouth.

“You…son of a…uuurgh.” The lord of Chaos doubled over and vomited on the marble floor, drooling slightly from the force of the blow. “…Captain, I think that’s the first time somepony’s laid a hoof on me since Luna split me in half with the moon all those years ago.”

Dangle looked up from Celestia’s shuddering body to hit the trickster full-force with her criminal lack of care. “The moon? Really?”

“It took her half a dozen tries before she hit me with it. Made a brand new ocean with her target practice; I think you ponies call it the Mareianas Trench these days. At least her sister had the sense to avoid throwing the Sun at me – augh, DAMMIT!” Another buck, this time to the face. Blood dripped from between Discord’s fangs, and he spat a few of them out on the floor before he could speak again.

“Fine! I tried to have my fun, but apparently somepony around here can’t roll with a couple of jokes. I’m off to play mindgames with those stupid mares getting lost in the hedge maze – they’ll let a god monologue as long as he damn well pleases. C’est la vie, adiós, good riddance, buck you.” He disappeared in a huff of magic, showering the trio of soldiers with glitter and sawdust.

The captain sighed in relief as the demon blinked out of existence. It felt good to get a couple shots in on the thing, but Princess Celestia needed to be taken care of before anything else could be done. He wasn’t even sure what Discord had done to her. She had finally stopped jittering on the floor as the changes to her body were made; her mane and tail were now completely pink, lacking the stripes of color and the otherworldly magic that caused her hair to flow like the wind. Pulling the heavy helmet from his head, Dodge set the piece of armor aside and stepped forward to check on the princess.

“Dangle, go ahead and help Steel out. He’s been wigglin’ over there for a while and it’s startin’ to make me feel bad. I’ll keep an eye on Her Highness.”

“Sure thing, Cap. Hey, Steel, you still kinkin’ it up over there?” She sauntered over to her teammate, who was still busy rolling around and trying to break loose from the rubber bonds around him.

“Your lips keep moving, Dangle, but all I keep hearing is ‘please punch me repeatedly in the face, Steel, please.’ Get me out of these things.”

The unicorn shrugged as she tried to yank the letters off of Steel’s trunk. With a roll of his eyes, Dodge returned his attention to the princess – or he would have, if she was still there. A sweet-smelling field of magic wafted gently to the empty floor where she had been laying, the telltale sign of a hasty teleportation spell. A crackling pop singed the air behind the captain.

“Ooooh, no. Leave the poor thing just like that. All trussed up for me and ready for fun.”

Princess Celestia, still resplendent without her magically flowing mane and field of angelic magic, was stooping over the prone body of Lieutenant Steel. Hunger laced her eyes; her smile had too many teeth. Even compared to Timberwolves, hydras, and the odd lesser demon from Tartarus, it was the most terrifying thing Dodge had ever seen. Dangle backed away reflexively, her eyes widening in shock.

“Hey, Princess…are you feeling alright? You look a little…off.” Sweat started to roll down the unicorn’s brow as she began dragging her bound friend away from the alicorn on a field of orange magic. Celestia’s left eye twitched erratically, and she licked her lips through her wide smile. Each of her hoofsteps seemed to echo through the empty hall. One by one, they brought her closer to her targets.

“I’m…fiiiiine,” she purred, “Thank you for your concern, Lieutenant. Now come here. I’ve got an itch I need you to scratch.” She winked. Dangle gagged.

Opting for the tactical retreat, the tan unicorn pulled Steel’s body against hers and popped out of Celestia’s path with an orange burst of sparks. Reappearing next to her captain, she set Steel down and looked to Dodge for orders.

Donning his helmet, the stallion kept a wary eye on the goddess’ half-lidded gaze as he whispered into his lieutenant’s ear. “I want you two t’ run. I don’t know what that freak did to the princess, but she’s got a nasty look in her eye and we need somepony who can figure out how t’ fix it. Take Steel, get those damn things off of ‘im, and get me a bucking arch-mage.” The cloud of levitation magic already lifting Steel was all the affirmation Dodge needed to know his soldiers would get the job done.

“Hey, Cap – you gonna be alright alone?” Her teleportation spell paused, the mare seemed genuinely worried about her princess…and her captain. She wanted to trust her leaders, but Celestia seemed all kinds of wrong and Dodge was just one earth stallion dealing with an immortal god-empress.

“Hey, it’s Princess Celestia. What’s the worst that could happen, right? Now get.”

Dangle grimaced as soon as the words left his mouth. “You just had to say it. Now you’re bucked. I’m getting as far away from you as I can. Stay safe, Cap.” In a burst of magical energy, she was gone.

Which meant Dodge was alone. With a potent combination of cosmic power chained in pony form and the terrible energies of Chaos. In hindsight, he noted that this was definitely not one of his better decisions. I hope those two get back soon, he thought to himself as he stepped confidently towards the smiling princess.

In another part of the castle, far away from Captain Charger and the Chaos creation, Molestia, Lieutenant Dingle Dangle was having troubles of her own.

“That’s my invalid, you bucking mutts! Get back here!” The unicorn raced after a trio of Diamond Dogs, jumping over the busts and paintings they were tearing from the walls and pedestals in the art gallery as they fled from her with a frothing pegasus in tow. The dogs had ambushed her as she rematerialized outside of the Tower of the Elements, bursting out of holes in the ground and swiping the enraged pegasus from her magical grip before she could react.

As she pursued the creatures through the halls of the castle, Dangle could see the effects of Discord’s magic already at work. Servants and soldiers alike were in a state of mayhem, running in all directions from dozens of impossibilities. Griffin soldiers tap-danced on the ceiling, loosing crossbow bolts at random passersby as they moved to the rhythm of a jukebox that was slowly floating from hall to hall. And now three stupid canines had stolen her teammate right out from under her.

“Go away, stupid pony! We find flying pony, we have uses for him! Slow pony can’t keep up with dogs! Run, dogs, run!”

A proud sculpture of a noblepony in full regal dress, maybe six centuries old, sailed through the air past the tallest of the dogs’ heads and shattered against the wall with the force of a small bomb.

“It puts the pony down or else it gets the beating of its worthless life! Capiche!?” More priceless, vintage pieces of art shot from Dangle’s telekinesis spell like bullets from a rifle. Yelping in fear, the dogs burrowed through the marble and straight into the earth beneath, dragging Steel behind them and leaving the unicorn mare to stare at a rapidly-filling hole. The only trace of her partner that remained was a steady stream of curses that trailed off as the shaft into the bedrock closed. That, and the trail of wreckage from one end of the gallery to the other.

“…Well, buck.”

Estimated damage: 3,945,500 bits.

Heeeere's Celly!

A little chaos goes a long way. Discord, also known as the Spirit of Disharmony, the Cosmic Tomfool, and (on very special occasions) the Lord of the Dance, spiraled lazily in and out of unreality somewhere both above and three parsecs to the left of Canterlot Palace. He was grossly malnourished from centuries of imprisonment and still a little sore about having been ripped in half by a projectile half the size of the planet, but all things considered, he felt pretty good.

Just a little nudge here and there had been plenty to get the ball rolling on his coup against the Princesses. Even drained and exhausted from the narrow escape he’d made earlier in the day, the feeble traces of Chaos magic that flowed from his strengthening reservoir had already caused a glorious amount of havoc over the nation of Equestria. Most ponies believed that he actually controlled the powers of Chaos. Even Celestia and Luna, the guardians of the most organized (blech) and prosperous (eugh) civilization on the planet, still considered him a conscious threat against the lives of their subjects.

“Do I look,” he drawled between bouts of giggles, “Like a Draconequus with a plan?”

Chaos was fickle. It moved on its own, with or without his direction. He may be guilty of guiding the flow and ebb of its tide here and there, but at the end of the day, Discord would always be content to just sit back and watch the magic happen. Ponies created enough chaos when left to their own devices. The most he ever had to do was get the ball rolling. A suddenly transparent outhouse here, a volcanic eruption there, the odd pot of petunias left to plummet six miles from the atmosphere...

...My, that was a curious blue box floating in and out of the multiverse beside him.

“Trans-dimensional Inspection Authority! Pull over to the nearest legitimate reality, if you’d be so kind!” A skinny brown pony with a gaudy green tie waved a small wallet full of questionable credentials through the open doors of the appropriately-branded “Pony Box.” His mane was a shock of auburn, and an hourglass cutie mark covered his flank. Not used to being waylaid by a pararealistic traffic stop, the Draconequus shrugged and re-entered the skies of Equestria, landing gracefully on the palace roof. The box shrieked to a halt with a whine and a groan beside him, allowing its pilot to step out and present his wallet for inspection.

“Mister Discord, is it? I’m the Doctor, resident TIA inspector for this and the closest six-i quasi-realities to the ana and kata from this relative dimension. I think you’ll see that my credentials are in order.” Discord took the black wallet from the Doctor’s hoof, reading the laminated sheet inside it before returning it with a toothy grin.

“Really? Slightly-psychic paper? That is classic.” He stifled a chuckle and wiped a tear from his eye with a claw. “Where’d you find a gag like that? I didn’t think ponies could even make psychic-imbued inanimates yet. It didn’t have any credentials on it, by the way. It just said your bow tie was cool. Speaking of which...” With a snap of his fingers, a large, red bow tie fizzed into reality around Discord’s neck. He preened it absentmindedly as the Doctor watched.

“Oh. Very nice bow tie.”

“Thank you.”

Digging into a pocket that manifested itself somewhere above his hooved leg, Discord fished out a flimsy pair of 3-D glasses. He placed the red-and-blue lenses over his eyes as he took a seat and patted the rooftop next to him.

“Sit for a spell, Doctor. I’ve been meaning to catch up a bit on some Chaos here, and you’re welcome to join. Until I turn you into a newt, or something. Or not.” He grinned devilishly.

“Chaos magic! That’s fantastic. Temporal anomalies are just my favorite. Give me a minute.” The brown colt scampered back into his blue box, re-emerging with a paper bag in his mouth as he trotted back to the Draconequus. Reaching a hoof into the bag, he offered a cookie to the Spirit of Chaos while settling down for the show. “Don’t suppose you’d like a Jammy Dodger?”

KRRR-ZAK

Another marble tile evaporated into dust next to Dodge’s hooves as he scrambled away from the encroaching princess. The captain was in a dead sprint now, putting his checkered-flag cutie mark to the test as he leaped and ran from each successive blast scoring the walls and floor behind him.

“Join th’ Guard, they said. Meet th’ Princess, they said. I hope my recruiters die in a fire,” he mumbled to himself through gritted teeth. He tucked and rolled out of the way as another solar flash crackled through the air painfully close to his flank. A section of carpet just beyond burst into flame as the bolt burned clean through the fiber.

Behind him, glorious and awash with starfire, Princess Celestia hovered lazily above the floor as heat bled from her glowing horn, distorting the air around it. With each playful flap of her wings, she gained a little more ground on the fleeing Guardspony.

“Oh, now you’re just being mean, Captain. All I want to do is have a little fun. Do you have any idea how many centuries it’s been since I’ve let my mane down? I expect you to do the gentlecoltly thing and service your princess.” Another flash of light, stronger than those previous, scarred the masonry deeply. Dodge skirted around the gouge in the floor, edging away from the red-hot marble shards as he ran. “Really! Arcane bolts don’t even hurt; it’s like a healthy dose of anaesthetic! Let me soothe you!”

Another mental note added itself to the captain’s growing list of things to remember, should he survive the day: get Twilight Sparkle, Shining Armor, Princess Luna - anypony - to explain to her the subtle difference between “soothing” and “rending.” It wasn’t the highest priority on his to-do list, granted. But as his armor shattered under a direct hit, hurling bits of glowing shrapnel across the hall, he found it climbing pretty damn close to the top. The shock from the blast threw him from his hooves. Somewhere distant, his Guard helmet clattered to the ground as his blue mane obscured his vision. For what he earnestly hoped would be the last time in his military career, Dodge Charger found himself flying bodily through the air.

This was s’posed to be a good day, Dodge. Everythin’ in order. Greet the princess, glare at some court members for awhile, run a couple’a laps. None o’ this Chaos horseshit. Now one of my soldiers is trussed up like a Goddess-damned spit roast, the other one’s carryin’ him around like a Goddess-damned Candy Gram...

He paused long enough to notice the window rushing towards him a lot faster than he’d have liked it to.

...Goddessdammit.

For a split second, Dodge felt the cool breeze, the open air, and he finally realized what his pegasus buddies had been enjoying their whole lives. The shower of glass surrounding his battered body and the stone walkway into the gardens three stories below told him that they could all very kindly go buck themselves with a park bench, thank you very much.

Far below, previously concerned with running from the pack of wild chimpanzees roaming the gardens, a red-maned unicorn with a pair of berries on her rump watched the first recorded flight of an Earth pony. Dodge waved sheepishly as he soared.

The jolt of telekinesis interrupted his flight path. He sighed audibly as the thousands of shards of glass rained down around him, peppering the chimpanzees underneath in a razor-sharp deluge. The unicorn escaped scot-free. Even as he began floating back towards the shattered window in the yellow magic field, he thanked the Goddesses that he wouldn’t have to die today. Well, not yet. He decided to hold onto his thanks until the rest of the afternoon panned out.

And as the leering, vacant, drooling visage of Princess Celestia greeted him through the broken pane, he felt that he’d made the right choice on that one.

Dodge almost missed the silhouette of the Draconequus sitting on the roof just above him, with another Earth pony sitting sidesaddle. The Doctor waved as Dodge was pulled in through the window.

“Help me,” the captain whispered.

“Call the police!” the Doctor shouted back helpfully. A scream of inarticulate rage was his only reply.

Gathering his bag of treats, the Doctor stood up and stretched his legs. He tossed the paper bag through the open doors of the box beside him and flashed Discord his best smile.

“He’s right, you know. Police are rubbish. Right! Time I get back to work. Very nice to meet you, Mister Discord. Pity I’ll be ending your fun within the next seventeen minutes, give or take thirty seconds.” Discord cackled, rolling backwards as the Doctor cantered into his box.

“Really? You’re going to stop me? A pony in a magic blue box? Let’s see you jump around causality leylines when you’re a lizard. Don’t worry, I’ll let you keep the tie.” Flaring his wings, the spirit took to the sky and snapped an eagle claw. The Doctor’s box erupted in a flare of white-hot magic-

-And stayed absolutely the same.

“What.” Discord snapped his talons again, and a layer of confetti and deflated balloons burst around the box. It, and the Doctor, remained untouched.

“Beautiful, isn’t she? Whipped up a brand-new Paradox Machine in the back just this morning. Old girl, always taking care of me. That’s why I call her sexy.” The Doctor rubbed the doorway of his Pony Box lovingly, ignoring the baffled glare from the Elder God just outside. The brown stallion brushed a small device that looked almost, but not completely, unlike a screwdriver out of his mane. The light at the tip of the device flashed with a high-pitched buzz and triggered something in the box’s control console, causing it to rise and rotate around Discord.

“...How!? How is a pony immune to my beautiful Chaos? What did you do!?” Discord’s air of mirth erupted into a corona of hatred, blistering off of him in waves of entropy. The Doctor paused his flight long enough to return Discord’s deathly glare.

“Three reasons, actually, but I’ve only got time for two. First, this is the TARDIS - the most incredible craft to reach any corner of your Universe. That’s Time And Relative Dimensions In Space. Write that down, there will be a short quiz later. Second, I am the Doctor. The Oncoming Storm. The Good Stallion who went to war and made the demons run. I’ve thrown entire planets out of orbit on a bad day and both erased and built whole system-spanning societies within the course of a single afternoon lunch. And you. Will. Not. Hurt these ponies.” The doors to the TARDIS slammed shut as the box faded out of existence, reappearing somewhere and somewhen else.

Discord’s howl of rage echoed for miles.

“Oh, alright, I lied,” the Doctor quipped as the TARDIS popped back into focus. “I do that quite often, actually. The third reason I’m immune to your Chaos is because my TARDIS is sexy. Did I say that already? I think I did. I’ll need to borrow your glasses for a bit, thank you.” He reached a hoof out of the open doors and swiped the 3-D glasses from Discord’s face.

“Your tie is wilted, by-th’-by.” The doors shut again; the TARDIS disappeared. For once, Discord had nothing to say.

Who knew Princess Celestia kept chains handy in her bedroom?The captain squirmed feebly against the iron that shackled his four hooves to the bedposts in Celestia’s chambers. If he craned his neck just right, he could see her rummaging through her bureau in the corner, mumbling softly to herself and humming incessantly. He fought against his chains again, grunting in pain as the bands tore at his legs instead of the bed.

This was it. He, a fine stallion of the Guard, veteran of numerous campaigns all across the nation in his princesses’ names, was about to be raped.

“Ah! Here we are. Little Lulu’s been going through my drawers again, but I think I’ve found everything we’ll need. You just lay back and let your princess make everything better, Captain. You almost took a nasty fall. I need to give you a proper inspection before I declare you fit for duty once again.” The array of “instruments” the princess had laid out on the bedside table struck a low, terrible chord in Dodge’s gut. It looked less like she was getting ready for a tumble in the sack and more like she was preparing for one of the Nightguard’s blackout interrogation sessions.

He vaguely remembered seeing some of the tools she had in one of those sessions, as a matter of fact. The forceps and clamps in particular dredged up some painful memories.

All things considered, he’d still rather have been strapped in an interrogation chair.

“Now. Tell me where it hurts.”

“Please, no,” he almost whimpered. When was the last time a Guard captain had whimpered? He was setting all kinds of records today. Luna buck me in the moon’s darkest crater.

Celestia lit her horn with a flash of magic, levitating a heavy-duty sparkle battery from the pile of equipment she had fished out. A pair of clamps (used for jumping machinery, Dodge thought grimly) sparked and fizzed with magically-produced electricity.

“I think we’ll start with this,” she cooed as she tested the metal clamps against each other. They popped with a satisfying burst of smoke.

“What could y’ possibly need that for!?” Where fear had been, cold, dark terror now crept into Dodge’s chest. He’d be lucky to leave this bed alive, much less on all four hooves.

“Full. Body. Inspection.” The princess punctuated each word with a sharp snap of her tongue against her teeth. The battery floated danger-close to Dodge’s body.

“Thank you, Princess, for somehow makin’ that comment even more horrifyin’.”

“Oh, hush. Now hold still - what is that racket!?” She nearly dropped the sparkle battery in irritation as the spacious room filled with a groaning, screeching noise. Ignoring the antique lacquered table and half of a bookcase blocking its way, a cheery blue Pony Box faded into reality. The table and bookcase, unfortunately, didn’t survive. Out of the double-doors flopped a very happy, very drunk Doctor. A crumpled pair of cardboard 3-D glasses lay skewed across his smug, blushing face.

“Smoothest landing I’ve managed in years. I’ll have to thank Miss Berries for-urp-that wonderful tonic later. Awful stuff. Smooths everything out in my great, big, brown head. It’s terrible. Oh, hello!” He waved pitifully at Dodge and his captor from the gold-threaded carpet. Something deep in the TARDIS exploded in a belch of green flame as he crawled to his hooves.

“And that’ll be the liquid dragon-fire, I’d expect. Good thing I got a couple bottles. Speaking of which, Princess, I apologize in advance for stealing all of that...stuff...from your study. Is it in advance? Can’t be, I took it nearly four hundred years ago. That is, five minutes ago. I think. I’m a bit off right now. Must be the drink. On to business!” He stumbled across the room towards a large mahogany desk, lovingly crafted by a Griffin carpenter over two hundred years prior. The Doctor vomited in the first empty drawer he could find.

“That,” he added helpfully, “was not the business.” Taking a hoofful of scrolls stacked atop the desk, he tossed the entire heap through the open doors of the TARDIS before sauntering back to his craft. He whistled and clicked his tongue before winking drunkenly at Dodge. “You get her, you dog.” The captain winced.

“You’re not actually gonna leave me here, are y’Doc? Really? Really?”

“Oh, well, it’s a big, tall, towerish kind of room with half a dozen magical protection sigils around it, and you’re alone in bed with the single most powerful creature in Equestria. Safest place in the world right now, when you think about it. Got to go now. Allons-y!” At that, the doors closed as one and the box groaned as it almost lurched out of existence, mimicking the Doctor’s inebriated stumbling. Splintered bits of table and shreds of paper fell to the floor in its absence.

Celestia and Dodge stared at the spot where the TARDIS had sat before turning their eyes to each other.

Buck everything, the stallion thought bitterly.

Luna’s parade continued past Discord’s fountain, and now Cherry was facing a new set of problems. And her partner was conspicuously not bucking helping. First he’d started hearing things. Okay, that’s fine, she thought. Today’s been a rough day for the big guy. No big deal.

And then she had noticed how horribly quiet everypony in the crowd suddenly was.

The parade marched along with herself and Dodge at the front, followed closely behind by the Royal Sisters. A crowd still lined either side of their formation, but for the past ten meters or so, not a single citizen had said anything. They were silent.

“Dodge...something weird’s happening. Get your head in the game.”

She’s right, Captain. You should quit listening to your imaginary friends and take a look around.

“SHUT UP, GHOST OF DISCORD!” The grey stallion blurted a stream of obscenities towards mythical creatures in general as the princesses behind him exchanged looks. Princess Luna whispered to him as they cantered down the street, growing more aware of the change in the crowd around them.

“Officer Charger...art thou -”

“I’m not crazy. You’re crazy. Especially you, Discord!”

Look at your partner for crazy, champ. She’s got daddy issues. It’s a plot device, Discord’s disembodied voice hissed playfully in Dodge’s head. A swift kick in the ankle marked Cherry’s rising agitation.

“Snap out of it, Charger! Look around you. What’s wrong with this picture? That’s a goddess-damned clue.” Cherry’s voice brought Dodge back to full attention, at least for the moment. Sure enough, every pony in the crowd stood stock-still, totally silent. The faint clopping of hooves several meters ahead marked the only noise in the entire street. Cherry waved a hoof and brought the procession to a halt as a young unicorn filly trotted from the crowd and into their path. She was too young to have her cutie mark, and her bright green mane flowed haphazardly over her eyes. Her hair parted long enough to let her gaze directly past the two policeponies and smile at the princesses behind them.

Dodge, as long as I’m in your head, I figure I should at least let you know that if you die, I’ll die as well. Again. Third time, actually. I’m trying to avoid that.

“Shut up,” Dodge growled as he tugged his sunglasses down to get a better look at the foal.

In the interest of both our lives, I’d suggest killing that filly immediately.

“Gee-bucking-whiz, y’don’t say. Any other random acts o’ mayhem y’ interested in today?”

Cherry’s hoof found its way to her partner’s shoulder as she leaned in to whisper. She kept one eye on the filly ahead of them as she tried her level best not to lace her words with venom.

“Dodge. You’ve finally snapped. That’s okay, it happens to every cop. We just stifle our tears and feelings and let them out as serial murders later. But right now, I need you here with me. This kid’s giving me the creeps. And the crowd’s not helping.” Mare and stallion both turned their heads to regard the child in front of them. Dodge took the initiative and stepped forward, kneeling down to talk to her.

“Hey, sweetie, what’s wrong? Here to see th’ princesses?” He smiled as wide as he could, ignoring the increasing volume of the Draconequus’ warnings and what sounded like alarm klaxons rattling around inside his skull.

The filly returned his smile and raised a tan hoof, pointing directly at Luna and Celestia. As her hoof dropped, Dodge and Cherry jumped at the dozens of pillars of green fire that lit the road around them as Changeling after Changeling stripped themselves of their disguises.

“Kill!” The filly squeaked innocently, her grin broadening in the afternoon sun. Ponies farther down the street began screaming and running from the growing wave of black carapaces and green flame. Drawing her baton in a telekinetic sheath, Cherry spread her hooves and spat at the nearest chitin-coated monster. Beside her, her partner flicked his patrol cap off and nudged the purple lenses higher up on his face.

“We are so thoroughly bucked.”

Well, That Escalated Quickly

The first changeling dropped to the pavement with a heavy thud. Bits of its black carapace were cracked deeply along the ridge of its fanged jaw. Cherry jumped over its prone body and whipped her baton wildly around her in a telekinetic field, smashing armor and splintering bones as she waded into the fray of the changeling army.

"Communicating a threat!" Crack. "Disturbing the peace!" Whack. "Disorderly conduct!" Thwack. “Attempted assault against law enforcement officers and government officials!” Changeling drones fled from the blur of destruction that surrounded the white mare, stumbling over each other and turning long enough to fire blast after blast of deadly magical energy from their horns. Cherry lifted the battered body of one of the black-coated creatures to shield herself from the barrage, listening for a break in fire while the magically-bound changeling above her yelped in pain with each impact.

Dodge leapt to her rescue, bucking a pair of drones headlong into the firing squad that had been carpeting Cherry with blasts. Changelings toppled like bowling pins as the two soldiers crashed into the closely-knit mob. He was torn between rushing to his partner’s side or keeping near the princesses. Celestia and Luna stood back-to-back, alternating between maintaining a protective shield over each other and firing bolts of arcane power at any of the shapeshifters that drew too close.

Princess Luna seemed internally conflicted as well, laughing and then growling savagely as she fried any attackers that drew near enough to target. Near enough, of course, being anywhere under the sudden sheet of stormy cloud cover that filled the evening sky. Bolts of lightning struck into the mass of chitinous monsters with a level of mayhem that bordered on ludicrous. The handful of eyewitnesses that remained would later remark on her attacks as being akin to “the fist of an angry god.” The whinier ones just called them indiscriminate. One thing they would all agree on, however, was that the alicorn’s fury was pretty damn impressive to watch.

Celestia, on the other hand, was battling with an air of poise and grace - she stayed rooted in one spot, not giving an inch to the encroaching mob. Any changeling unlucky enough to enter her field of vision burst into flames almost instantly, howling in agony as they ran from her horn's focused beams of sunlight that struck with terrible precision. The members of the Guard who were present had formed a wide ring around their rulers. Pegasus knights met changelings in the air for one-on-one dogfights, and the stalwart earth ponies forged a defensive line for the long-ranging unicorns behind them. It was an incredible defense. And it was failing.

More and more changelings threw themselves at the beleaguered group, crawling out of cratered storefront windows, up from storm gutters, and dive-bombing in wild kamikaze strikes from the sky. Civilians ran for cover wherever they could find it, barricading the doors of their homes and shops before green, flaming meteors smashed their way through the stone walls. Over the din of battle, one small, foalish voice shrieked a high note of laughter:

"Yes! Press the attack, my children! Wipe these two decrepit rulers away so that we may roam free and have our revenge! Fight for the swarm!" The green-maned filly barked from her vantage point atop an abnormally large changeling drone's head, directing her troops even as she cackled in delight. Her laughter was cut short as she found herself suddenly without a soldier to stand on. The changeling in question had toppled like a sack of potatoes as a bloodied baton tried to force itself down his windpipe through a haze of red magic.

"You interrupt!?" Tossing her hair out of her eyes, the filly stomped over the body of her crumpled steed and marched towards Cherry, fuming and cursing with each step.

"D'awwww, aren't you just the most adorable little genocidal maniac? C'mere!" Cherry's baton rapped on the ground, shaking off the layer of changeling goo and broken bits of fang that coated it. The child snarled and knocked the baton away with a massive burst of green-hued energy. Craning her neck very slowly, Cherry watched the weapon spin haphazardly into the sky and fall out of sight several blocks back up the road. The sound of cracking stone and shattering glass rose from the impact site some quarter of a mile away. All of a sudden, Cherry didn't find this foal very cute anymore.

"You dare to stand against my army - to disrespect me!? It's time someone taught you the proper level of humility in the presence of royalty!" Green-mane’s back arched at a horrible angle before the child burst into a tower of emerald flame that reached to the sky. As the fire washed away, a tall, slim, and infinitely pissed changeling queen stepped towards the little white policepony. “Child...your final seconds will be spent regretting the circumstances under which you met Queen Chrysalis.” Her curved horn glinted in the setting sun and lit with eldritch energy before she charged at Cherry.

"Y'know...in retrospect, I really should have seen that one coming." A thick stream of blood burst from her lips and spattered across Chrysalis’ back as the horn drove straight into her breast. The impact against the ground drove the air out of the policepony's lungs and choked off her scream.

Wrapped in a wrestling match with four changeling soldiers, Dodge watched his partner fall.

"CHER'!"

Even as he kicked and bit and heaved the monsters from his body, Dodge could tell that there was no way he could make it to Cherry before the queen could finish her off. The ruler of the swarm was leaning over his friend, wings flared, charging a purging flame at the tip of her warped horn.

“You heartless BITCH! I’m gonna bucking kill you!” Dodge roared and bucked his legs, splintering changeling armor every time he lifted a hoof. He hardly even noticed when the last of the drones that covered his body were whipped aside and sent flying through the last unshattered window on the street. Cool, soothing midnight-blue magic lifted the stallion from his hooves and set him gently to the side on the body-littered pavement.

“No, Officer Dodge Charger. I believe I will do that.”

The voice that brought everypony to a total halt in the heat of battle was deeper than the ocean’s widest trench. It was darker than the cold blackness between stars in the night sky. And it was faintly - almost playfully - wicked.

Nightmare Moon waded through the bodies of the dazed and the wounded towards Chrysalis.

“I have heard,” she cooed, “that you have been a bother for my beloved subjects.” Not a single creature that filled the battle-scarred street said a word as the Nightmare stepped softly towards the Queen. They didn’t breathe. There was no doubt in a single combatant’s mind that the harbinger of darkness walked among them. Her coat was as black as sin. Her peytral plate and helmet shined with the cool blue ice of a meteor’s tail. Spiraling into the darkening sky, her mane and tail carried pinpricks of light from the stars.

“You’ve come a long way to feed upon my little ponies. I admit I’m feeling rather peckish myself. It’s been centuries since I’ve tasted changeling.” She smiled, licking the tips of her pearl-white fangs as she advanced. Chrysalis shivered visibly and backed away from Cherry’s unconscious body.

“You - you wouldn’t—”

“INCORRECT!” Nightmare Moon’s cry of rage was carried along the wave of hazy energy that seemed to burst from her body, battering Chrysalis from her hooves and throwing her into the sky. The changeling queen snarled as she righted herself in the air and juked to the side to avoid the incoming tide of wispy smoke. The wisp charged past her and doubled back, bursting in an explosion of starlight to reveal the ink-black alicorn in all of her glory. Chrysalis could only fire blindly through the clouds that surrounded her, missing by inches with every burst of destruction she unleashed.

“I bested Celestia, and she was powerful enough to banish you! I’ll crush your body and feed on your precious subjects like cattle!” A quiet puff of smoke behind Chrysalis silenced her tirade just as a pair of lips whispered slowly into her ear.

“You’re mistaken, child. I’m not some fairy tale storybook villain sent to the moon by the hero to help put good little foals to sleep at night. I am every bad dream. Every shiver you’ve felt in the dark. And I,” she chuckled, “do not fight fair.” Her laughter grew in intensity until it peaked with a horrible crack of lightning. A blizzard of electricity arced from Nightmare Moon’s body, carving acrid holes through the air with each bolt.

From the electrical storm flew rank after rank of sleek, dark shapes. The shadows split into formations across the sky around their goddess, gaining form and color as they slowed. Skin-tight flightsuits adorned with lightning strikes covered a squadron of Shadowbolts, their eyes hidden by goggles that seemed to flash in the dark sky. Beside them flew heavily-armored, fanged Centurions - Princess Luna’s bat-winged personal guard. The soldiers and the trick fliers arranged themselves in the air and waited for their Princess’ command.

Dodge could only stare in a bewildered mix of horror and awe as the company of fighters spread throughout the sky. Chrysalis was bad news, sure, but the policepony was willing to bet that she hadn’t come prepared for anything like the sorry hell they were about to see. A wistful sigh from inside his skull interrupted the show above him.

Y’know, Dodge, even though I fought little Lulu up there plenty of times back in the day, I never had a chance to sneak her alter-ego Moony a kiss. It’s always been one of my greatest regrets...hey, maybe you could put in a good word for me!

“Please stop.”

Oh, c’mon, the two of us could be the best of friends if you’d just lighten up a little! Besides, the Draconequus muttered nonchalantly, I could literally boil your brain like a pot of spaghetti in here if I felt like it. Cut me a break.

“This entire trip t’ Canterlot has been the absolute worst experience o’ my career, you freak. Not only have I been dodgin’ a horny princess an’ gettin’ my brainbucket molested by an Elder God, my partner just got skewered by a Goddess-damned Changeling Regent! Cut me a buckin’ break!”

Around the beaten group of defenders, a hail of Centurions and Shadowbolts dropped as a group with cold, brutal finality. As one they perked their ears to the sky to hear the words from their Princess’ lips.

“Break them.”

Dodge couldn’t keep track of the first wave of Shadowbolts that zigzagged in formation through the ranks of Chrysalis’ changelings. Everywhere they plowed, they left a hurricane of thunder and lightning in their wake that seared and scorched any black-coated creature unlucky enough to fall on their list of things to utterly ruin today. Behind them roared a stampede of batponies in heavy plates, crushing monsters underhoof and battering them from side to side in a deluge of muscle and metal. High above the layer of storm clouds overhead, brief flashes of lightning and the rolling beat of thunder fought for superiority as the Nightmare and the Hive Queen battled in the skies.

In the heat of the melee, a lone grey policecolt shrugged a limp body from his shoulders and threw himself towards his partner. He could tell as he galloped closer that her breathing was short and ragged, and the stone pavement beneath her had shattered under the force of the Queen’s blow. Just five more strides and he’d reach Cherry - four strides, three, two—

WHUMP

Not even two hoofstrides from his unconscious sister-in-arms, and Dodge found himself knocked from his hooves in a pile of white down and feathers. He reached for Cherry’s body with an outstretched hoof as Celestia towered above him.

“Officer Charger, how dare you leave the personal guard of your beloved princess in the heat of battle! When we return to Canterlot Palace, the two of us will discuss your punishment in priva—”

Between the simultaneous reappearances of both Queen Chrysalis and Nightmare Moon, as well as an attempted coup for Canterlot, the one event nopony would ever forget that day was seeing Princess Celestia reel from a sucker punch. Dodge pulled his hoof back and prepared for another haymaker as the once serene, calm princess turned back to regard him with eyes full of hellfire. Shaken as he was under her terrifying aura, the stallion could still vaguely hear a horrible laugh rattle his skull from the inside.

TEN POINTS FOR GRYFFINDOR!

“That,” Dodge wheezed, ignoring the Draconequus and pointing towards the white policemare’s body, “is my partner, Princess. Your brave an’ loyal subject. She is hurt, an’ she needs me, an’ there is not a goddess-damn one of you that’s gonna stop me from makin’ sure she’s okay. So either get your feathered ass away from us, or shut the buck up an’ HELP ME!” Dodge spat what he assumed to be his last words as Celestia’s gaze turned from rage, to sorrow...and to regret. Her eyes flickered between Dodge, the cobblestone street, and Cherry’s wound. She appeared close to tears as she lingered on the mare in front of her.

“...Dodge...Officer Charger, I apologize. I...I just wanted to...”

“Stop, princess.” Dodge lifted a hoof to silence his leader. “Look - we’ve got more important shit t’worry about right now. Just...help.” Celestia nodded and cleared her throat. Shadowbolts and Centurions wrecked the changeling forces around them while Dodge and his princess approached Cherry through the thick haze of battle. Her red mane was littered with bits of debris from the splintered stone beneath her, and a thin crimson trickle escaped her mouth.

“She appears to have suffered internal injuries, Charger. Watch my back; I’m going to do what I can to knit her bones back together. I’ll need a moment.” A warm, white light sparked at the tip of Celestia’s horn and traveled to Cherry’s chest. Within seconds, the princess’ breathing had slowed and Cherry’s had grown less labored. They were both unconscious now, locked together in a healing tether. Dodge stood nearby - whatever Chrysalis and her minions could still throw at them, he’d be ready for it.

He still wasn’t quite prepared to see Chrysalis’ tortured body fall from the sky half a hoofstride from him. Her chitin was cracked visibly in several places and a thick, green substance oozed from the gaps in her exoskeleton. One wing was shredded - at least more so than usual - and the other was bent at a horrible angle. The Queen struggled to regain her footing. Her left hind leg quivered from a fracture above the knee, and a single ivory fang fell from her mouth as she groaned.

This close to Chrysalis, Dodge didn’t have a chance to move before she struck him in the throat with a hoof. A bright arc of energy danced from the tip of her warped horn to the center of his forehead, keeping the policepony paralyzed while standing. She cackled between coughs as she found her balance.

“I’ll admit I never thought I’d be facing the Nightmare on my return. I’ve dealt with Celestia before, and Luna is nothing to fear if her dear sister falls. But you...” Chrysalis roared and flooded her captive’s body with psychic energy, sending the buck to his knees in agony.

“Strike me again and I’ll break this toy of yours.” Even wheezing between threats, the changeling queen still forced a disdainful grin across her face. Nightmare Moon descended almost lazily from the sky as the last slivers of sunlight crept below the horizon. The first rays from the moon began slipping above the mountains in the distance as she slowly plodded up the street.

“Oh, you poor child. You’ve already attacked my beautiful city and brought harm to my tender ponies. Your troops have destroyed the homes that they live in and the shops that they keep. These actions have forced me to delay the raising of my moon for this, my most special evening. You have also, in the past, attacked this kingdom and wounded my elder sister - a feat which only I have accomplished since the days that she hunted dragons and ursa for sport.” The alicorn paused beside Princess Celestia and smiled warmly at her, brushing the tip of a wing along her back. Celestia’s eyelids fluttered sightlessly in her trance.

“I work daily to undo the damage I’ve dealt to friends, family, and country. Celestia knows even now that Luna and I are both jealous creatures by nature, and has helped us to find ways to...redirect that jealousy. When I say that this is my city, and these are my ponies, you should know that stooping to the point of taking a hostage offends me far greater than attempting to murder me ever could.

“That stallion is mine. This mare that you have cut down in the street is mine. This princess that you so casually swatted aside during the sacred union of a family member: she is mine. Like an undisciplined little foal, you attempt to steal and disfigure property that is not yours. And as I have already stated...I am a jealous creature.” Her fangs glittered in her mane’s dim starlight. Chrysalis snarled in turn, sending another shock through Dodge’s body.

“Careful, Nightmare. You can continue to threaten me from afar, but every step brings your sweet Officer Charger closer to death. I’ve already established a psychic link with him. Less than an errant thought and he’ll be reduced to a bumbling slave. Even killing me wouldn’t reverse the damage to a pony’s psyche.”

“That’s a theory I’m eager to test, foal. Shall we finish this pointless standoff?”

“Oh, just finish him off already!”

The Nightmare and the Queen jerked at the interruption. Dangling his forehooves over the edge of a rooftop overlooking the carnage, the Doctor dry-heaved and wiped a film of sweat from his forehead.

“Ugh. Two hearts is rubbish. I wish I’d been born with two livers instead. I’ll never drink again. Damn that Officer Berries and her ginger coiffure.” He groaned pathetically and rubbed at his temples, jostling the 3-D glasses on his face. “Now, are you two going to bicker all night, or are you going to do something resourceful? You!” Straining to lift a hoof, he pointed directly at Chrysalis.

“Are you queen or aren’t you? Look at you, you’ve got yourself a helpless hostage and he still has full mental capacity. What’s the point in a prisoner that can still escape? Turn his mind to jelly, or something. Just stop your moaning, it’s an awful racket.” Chrysalis babbled incoherently, trapped between a mixture of shock and sanguine rage.

“You dare speak to me like a petulant child!? I’ll crawl down your throat and swallow your soul, insolent creature! You’re nothing but food for my armies!” Venting and bellowing, she almost missed Nightmare Moon moving in for the kill.

“NO!”

A flash of green, a bright spark - and for a split second, both Chrysalis and Dodge plunged into unconsciousness.

Queen Chrysalis was momentarily safe inside Officer Dodge Charger’s mindscape. Her physical body was going to die in mere seconds outside of this subconscious blackness, that much she knew. But she’d be damned if the Nightmare took her down without losing at least one more of her precious ponies.

The act of reducing a slave’s mind to rubble was simple for a sorceress of her caliber. Time passed differently in the unwaking world of the brain, and destroying Dodge from the inside out wouldn’t take any more time than it had with the last thousand ponies that she had crushed underhoof with this same psychic vise.

She was, however, extremely surprised by the ridiculous decor in Dodge’s subconscious.

A pink-and-purple checkerboard pattern covered the ground to the horizon, warping here and there where hills and dips broke the flat surface. Party balloons seemed to waft in and out of the air around her. Waterfalls in the distance flowed against the pull of gravity, emptying into the sky instead of onto the ground. And in the middle of it all, a twisted, dark throne curved comfortably around a creature older than history.

“You could have just knocked, Chrissy. Storming in here like you did? That was very unneighborly.”

Discord rose from his seat and stalked toward the terrified Queen, backing her into a wall that wasn’t there moments ago.

“Stay away from me, beast, or I’ll—” She winced as an eagle talon flicked her playfully on the snout, sending a deep-seated shudder throughout her entire incorporeal body.

“Boop!”

The shudder increased as it reached her hooves, becoming spastic tremors that shook Chrysalis to her core. As she looked down at her body she could see a grey veneer begin to wash over her, subduing the beautiful black-and-teal scheme of her form.

“What...did you do?” The agent of Chaos chuckled at a joke that she couldn’t understand, wiping a tear from his eye with a lion’s paw. Chrysalis flinched as Discord leaned in, whispering into her ear while the chaotic wave crept up her neck.

“Oh, I didn’t do much. Your recommended dose of Chaos ought to liven you and your swarm up a bit. I never much liked how your kind fed on all of the ponies that I need to really thrive; you make them so dull, so dreary, so lifeless when you consume them. I can’t do my work without that spark that makes everypony so fun and unique to play with.” The trembling wave of grey had reached the Queen’s jaw, almost finished in its purpose.

“It won’t take much to fix the problem. I just had to do what I do - that is, nudge just the right spot. And your psychic influence over your entire brood will finish my work for me! See, madness, as you know, is like gravity: all it takes is a little push!”

The wave passed, her world bottomed out beneath her, and Chrysalis found herself somewhere else.

Dodge moaned a string of syllables that was a pretty good try at forming a word. When did he end up on his back? He rolled to his hooves and stood shakily, weaving from side to side as the psychic sickness began to dissolve. Two figures faded into his vision as he blinked and tried to focus.

“Ah...not that th’ two of you aren’t any fun to look at, or anythin’, but I admit I’m pretty damn confused.”

Nightmare Moon was frozen in tableau, staring somewhere far away while poised mid-strike. Beneath her was Queen Chrysalis of the changelings, hooves wrapped around the Nightmare’s neck and lips locked against hers in a deep, sultry kiss. The black alicorn’s eyes twitched violently before her entire being dissipated like a burst of black smoke. Dozens of smaller wisps burst into the air across the street as every Shadowbolt and Centurion disappeared with their creator. Princess Luna was left in her place, exactly as shocked and confused as her alter ego had been.

Breaking the kiss, Chrysalis smiled warmly and purred under her breath.

“Good evening, Princess.”

Luna continued to stare anywhere but at the Queen as she unwrapped the pair of hooves from her neck and trotted away slowly. With a powerful flap of her wings, she looped out towards the ceremony field - far away from any frisky changelings. Dodge mentally kicked himself for enjoying the exhibit while it lasted.

Shame on me. Shame.

Yes, Dodge. Shame on you. Hey, do you mind if I rewind time for just a second so I can see that again?

...No. No, I don’t.

“Dodge!” Princess Celestia’s voice pulled Dodge from his reverie with an almost audible snap. All he could see as he turned to regard her was his partner, waving a hoof and smiling weakly.

“Aw, Cher’!” He scooped the mare up in a bone-shattering hug as she tried to writhe away in terror.

“Charger,” she moaned, “bones...still knitting...” With a guilty smile, he set her down on her side and adjusted his sunglasses sheepishly. Celestia brushed her with a wing and stood to her full height. Dodge couldn’t help but smile at her as he bowed deeply.

“Princess...ah, thanks. A lot. I’m glad y’could do for her what y’did. I really owe you on this one.”

The goddess of the sun chuckled and helped both of the policeponies rise back to their hooves.

“Actually, Officer Charger, I believe I owe you for your assistance tonight. Just as I owe you an apology. I’ve been acting lewdly ever since the incident with Discord, and...I can’t justify it. I was selfish, and you’ve had to deal with a terrible burden because of my actions. I am truly sorry.” She bowed her head and let out a deep sigh. “If there’s anything I can do to help fix the damage I’ve done, please tell me.”

With a glance at his partner beside him, Dodge shrugged and shot the princess a heartfelt grin. Cherry flexed her legs and popped her neck before prodding the stallion by her side with a hoof and a smile.

“Nah, Princess,” Dodge drawled indifferently, “I think you’ve more than made up for it. Y’done right by me and Cher’ here. Apology accepted.” Cherry opened her mouth, ready to add her thanks as she and Dodge were wrapped in a pair of hole-filled hooves.

“I’m so glad that everypony could come to such a good understanding with each other. And speaking of understanding, I wanted to offer my own apology for my monstrous behavior.” Chrysalis was all sunshine and smiles, hugging the policeponies just a little too tight. Celestia balked visibly at her demeanor before quickly regaining her composure and catching the Queen’s gaze.

“Yes...about that. The good Doctor here has already explained to me the procedure that was inflicted upon you, Chrysalis - and through your psychic webway with your swarm, upon the rest of your army as well.” The Doctor appeared immediately behind Celestia, waving a hoof in greeting and clearing his throat.

“Funny thing, actually. The massive influx of Chaos energy that flooded your system, Chrysalis, has more or less completely reversed the polarity of your natural-born feeding mechanism. Instead of drawing energy from the love and affection that you cheat from other ponies by maintaining disguises, you generate your own source of magical nourishment by radiating that same love and affection. It’s brilliant.” He removed the 3-D glasses and folded them, stuffing the pair behind a chestnut-colored ear.

“Wait,” Cherry interrupted. “How the hell does that work?”

“Oh, it’s just a simple deus ex machina. All that Chaos is really good for, anyway.” The Doctor rapped Dodge on the skull playfully.

I hate him for it, but he’s actually got me there. Oh well, Discord pouted.

“On that note, I know you’re in there, Discord.” Celestia glared at Dodge’s head, not even bothering to hide her irritation. “I don’t know how you escaped your prison, but it’s time you get back to it.”

Well, that could get complicated. My body’s gone. A nightstick came screaming out of the sky and shattered it not half an hour ago. So...until I find a new one for Sunbutt to lock me in, it looks like we’re gonna be roommates, pal! Dodge could hear the creature laughing in his head. He could also hear what sounded like furniture being rearranged. With a sigh, he lowered his glasses and rubbed at his eyes.

“‘Fraid there’s nowhere to stash him, your Highness. Cherry’s baton smashed his body t’bits when Queen Cheeselegs back here smacked it back up the road.” It physically hurt him to say it. He was the last stallion around that needed an insane wingcolt stuck in his skull for the foreseeable future. Celestia’s face was grim, but she patted Dodge on the shoulder reassuringly.

“I’m sure you’ll be fine. We’ll find a way. Now, before we get ahead of ourselves, we do still have some pressing matters - these streets are ruined, there’s a mountain of injured changelings and guardsponies to attend, and my little sister has been waiting patiently for all of us.”

“I can help with that, Celestia.” Chrysalis flicked a wispy lock of hair away from her face and turned to her army. “Pick yourselves up and undo the damage you’ve dealt, my children! These buildings must be repaired and these ponies require healing. Infiltration wings four and five, see to the architecture. Support wings one, three, and seven, assign your medical squads to assist casualties. Anydrone who should need more energy may draw from my pool.”

The Queen’s orders spread quickly; piles of injured changelings began forming into separate squads and casting limited healing spells on themselves, stitching broken exoskeletons back together and closing lacerations. They spread to the fallen pegasi, unicorns, and earth ponies, offering first aid and magical assistance to any that needed it. In only minutes the vast majority of the changeling legion was back on their hooves and - oddly - cheerful.

“So, thousands of shape-shifting ponies running around Equestria, gaining magical energy by spreading love and affection? Sounds like the basis for a whole fleet of trashy romance one-shots.” Cherry rubbed at her chest where her ribs were just finishing the healing process.

“It’s times like this that I try not t’think too much about things, Cher’. Besides, nopony’s depraved enough t’think up a plan like that.”

“Right. Anyway, after this kind of a buildup, I hope Princess Luna’s party is pretty goddess-damn spectacular.”

It was.

After her initial shock had passed, the Princess of the Night ascended into the sky and carried a moon that seemed to stretch across the whole horizon. Its rising signaled the beginning of the festivities, and the city of Canterlot swept through in droves. The hottest gossip of the night was the telling of multiple eyewitness accounts of how Nightmare Moon had returned, only to singlehoofedly crush the changeling threat, save a dying mare’s life, mercifully spare the encroaching army, and personally ravage the Changeling Queen - in more ways than one.

Naturally, it was slightly blown out of proportion.

Changeling drones mingled with the ponies of the city in the parade field. After the initial moments of apprehension and screaming terror, most ponies agreed that they were actually fun to have around. A little huggy and touchy-feely, maybe, but fun nonetheless. Somewhere in the crowd an off-duty pegasus guardspony began to regale a group of the newcomers with the story of how he had to fight off a trio of Diamond Dogs on the Day of Discord. Party streamers were popped, fireworks soared through the sky, and as the night grew darker, a pair of policeponies found themselves at the open bar.

Dodge shotgunned Applejack Daniels before he wandered back into the crowd, mumbling something about finding out whether or not princesses could dance. Cherry nursed the last of her aches and pains with a cocktail mixed somewhere between Tartarus and Las Pegas. Her swill was only briefly interrupted by a chestnut-coated stallion with an hourglass cutie mark and a pair of 3-D glasses.

“Oh! Officer Berries! Good to see you. I’m afraid I’ve come here at the wrong time, however. Should’ve been on my way to find a bit of liquid dragonfire and some letters. It’s been an awfully busy day. Suppose I should be off again.” He turned, only to be stopped by a hoof gripping him on the shoulder.

“Say, Doctor...have you ever tried a Four Horsemen?” Cherry tried not to slur, but she was already five drinks in, and this particular shot wasn’t known for fixing any speech impediments.

“Can’t say I have. Sounds vaguely ominous. Color me interested; what’s in it?”

“Whiskey, tequila, hate, and stupidity.”

“That sounds more like a bad decision than a drink, officer.”

“Well, then, you oughtta love it. Siddown.”

Officer Dodge Charger joined the waking world in a bed that definitely wasn’t his. The night-black satin and silk sheets were a nice touch. Down pillows. Heated down pillows. With wings.

His eyes jerked open as a midnight-blue wing curled around him, wrapping him in a quiet embrace.

Oh, buck. Ohbuckohbuckohbuckme.

He began trying to scoot away from Princess Luna’s body, only to find himself face-to-face with an aquamarine mop of hair and a wicked, jagged horn. Smooth chitin rubbed softly against his chest as Queen Chrysalis dozed.

With him.

In Luna’s bed.

I...saw everything, Discord whispered. None were spared. Not even the library chairs.

Dodge craned his neck just high enough to see that the room was a complete shambles around the bed. It looked like a manticore had systematically devoured every scrap of furniture in Princess Luna’s bedchamber. Piles of kindling barely recognizable as chairs, tables, desks, and bookshelves littered the luxurious blue carpet.

“Bullshit,” Dodge whispered. He felt the body behind him stir silently.

I have to start keeping score, Dodge. That’s four members of royalty you’ve managed to bed. You bastard. Discord tried to sound aggravated, but the note of disbelief never left his voice.

“That’s a miscount, buddy, unless Cadance is back from her honeymoon already. An’ left her husband, who is probably plannin’ t’murder me as we speak.”

Oh, no, it wasn’t Cadance. Ew. You sick, sick, colt.

As the wing wrapped around him drew him tighter, Dodge became acutely aware of the fact that it wasn’t the deep blue that it had been only seconds ago. These feathers were jet black. And extremely large.

“Good morning, Officer Charger,” the voice of the night itself cooed into his ear.

When They Come For You

As far as drinking partners went, the Apple family’s Big Macintosh was among Cherry’s favorites. He returned her stare over the rim of her mug, not budging an inch as the thick, amber liquid drained from both of their glasses. Around them, the usual patrons at the Filthy Whore honky-tonk bar milled about, keeping themselves busy at the pool tables and in a row of greasy booths near the back. Nopony came here to “relax” after a hard day’s work with a glass of scotch or a mint julep; the Filthy Whore was a blemish on Ponyville that had somehow maintained a healthy patronage over the years. Nowhere else in town could somepony order a Pegas Bomb, get into no less than three fights within the twelve hoofstrides from the bar to their seat, and wake up in the alley the next day approximately one kidney lighter. Local rumor had it that a happy thought had stumbled through the front door one day by accident. The bouncers had kindly helped it right back out.

Cherry loved this place.

Her glass lowered in time with Mac’s, the liter of stout between them completely gone. The mare wiped a film of head from her lips and waved pretty young Blue Bell to bring the two contestants another round.

Blue Bell, or “lil’ Blue,” as the grizzled leeches surrounding her bar called her, didn’t look like the sort of pony who should be draining the tap at the town’s dive on any day of the week. Sure, she could be mistaken for a bartender - if the “bar” were in fact a martini lounge in a Manehatten entertainment district, and if “bartender” was confused as silly plebeian-speak for “hostess.” Her blond mane and tail were styled impeccably to accent the baby blue hue of her coat, and a single golden hoop in her left ear helped draw attention away from the pair of lavender eyes that watched every event in her establishment unfold.

Blue was beautiful, she was crafty, and she cheerily exchanged a pair of fresh glasses for the two empty ones at Cherry and Mac’s corner of the bar top.

“Cher’, hon, it’s not gonna happen. Big here’s been out-drinking every sleazebag in my place since I opened it. You’re not the first to try, and you’re definitely not the brawniest.” Wiping down the glasses carefully in her horn’s magical field, Blue leaned back to watch Cherry and Big Macintosh tap their drinks together and bang the worn wood of the bar before chugging.

“Speakin’ o’which, this sleazebag still wants t’know why you even dragged me here in th’ first place,” Dodge yawned from across the bar. He fiddled with the end of his pool stick, puffing lightly at his twentieth cigarette of the evening. His score stood at four wins so far tonight; three at billiards, and one in a brutal smackdown with a sore loser that left him a little more bruised than usual. The other guy looked a lot worse, though.

The pair of mugs banged heavily on the bar, empty once again. Where one massive red stallion had been sitting, Cherry could almost swear that two were slowly materializing - both with the same tiny smirk, one sitting on the other’s lap. She groggily blinked the issue away; what identical twins in the Apple family did together was their own business.

“I dragged you here because you need to quit pining for your little ménage-a-tyrant, Dodge...” The floor tilted under her, causing the mare to grasp at the bar for extra stability. “...And because I’ll probably need to tag you in soon. Mac, you and your brothers need to quit swimming up and down the bar. You’re makin’ me dizzy.”

Big Macintosh sighed and scooted a hoofful of bits across the bar towards Blue. She winked a sultry eye and took their mugs, humming an old sailor’s jingle as her hooves kept the liquor flowing and the barflies fed. As soon as the mare had turned her back, Mac caught Dodge’s attention and nodded towards Cherry as she teetered from side to side on her barstool. He shook his head and chuckled. Drunks clambered out of the way as he left the two policeponies to their devices with a soft “eeyup.”

Nopony could drink Big Macintosh under the table. Nopony.

“C’mon, then, Cher’, let’s get you home. All those big, sweaty Macintoshes left already an’ I think you’ve found your limit.” Dodge scooped the mare from her seat and laid her across his back, avoiding the heady scents of alcohol and pipeweed that wandered around both the saloon and his partner’s face.

“Bullshit! I’m not done, coach, I can still play!” She wobbled dangerously over his shoulders and he forced himself not to flick the unicorn straight on her horn. Not only would she likely beat him - badly - in her inebriated state, he couldn’t help but feel a little more protective of the fiery-maned female ever since the two of them had come home from Canterlot. Watching his partner take a horn through her second-chance vest had been a sobering experience for him. Even though he had made peace with Chrysalis and her brood (“Chrissy,” as she practically ordered him to call her, had gone to some impressive lengths that evening to make peace with him specifically), the stallion still kept a slightly more wary eye on his friend’s health and well-being.

Concerned as he was, he still couldn’t keep Cherry from being the responsible young arsonist that she always would be. She groaned as he neared the door, giving into the cruel powers of fatigue and Diamond Dogfish Head amber ale.

“You ain’t better’n me,” she barked to nopony in particular. “Come on, Dodge, we’ve been off duty for three days and I’m bored as hell.” Her eyes sparked to life almost immediately as a sea-green swarthy sailor of a colt with whiskey on his breath trotted into Dodge’s path.

“Ey, son’, that’s a fine-lookin’ parcel ye be carryin’ off wit’ye. Don’t suppose ye’d mind shippin’ it my way?” His lopsided grin turned sour as soon as Cherry craned her head towards him, magic already building at the base of her horn. Her grin looked almost as dangerous as the sparkly haze that formed around the unlucky scumbag.

“Oh, buck the hell YES.”

“Billions of blue blisterin’ barnacles in a ‘tunderin’ typhoon!”

Dodge could only watch and keep walking through the shattered doorway as the poor stallion soared off over the horizon, bellowing in a horrible Scolttish brogue until he faded into the distance. Cherry’s flickering magical storm fizzed madly into the air as she waved a hoof and shouted in defiance:

“Go suck a white whale, Ahab!”

He’d have to come back tomorrow, he realized. Blue would have his hide if he didn’t cover for the repairs. Again. She was a sweet mare on the outside, but behind those purple eyes hid the old soul of an uptown mob boss. And she wasn’t afraid of breaking some kneecaps herself if certain walls, ceilings and pieces of furniture weren’t magically un-damaged soon.

“Cher’, y’know that destruction o’private property an’ attempted coltslaughter are both illegal, right? Well, I mean, while we’re not on th’ job, anyway.”

“Buck the police, Dodge. I am the law!”

Great. She was officially in Cherry-Anne Berries Destroy Mode. She’d had another Four Horsemen while he hadn’t been looking.

“Don’t sweat the small stuff, Dodge. Misdemeanors and minor felonies are all just happy memories waiting to happen between good friends. Besides, I took pictures!” Discord’s cheerful interruption was cut off as Dodge began choking on a large, painful lump in his throat. Beating roughly on his chest, he hacked up a stream of full-color photographs that showed the Scolttish stallion in various terrified poses. One of them in particular caught his eye; the green colt in the fetal position, tears in his eyes as a stuttering magic field forced him to become intimately familiar with an empty beer bottle.

“Yep. That one was a Kodak moment.”

“Gettin’ real tired of your shit, Discord,” Dodge muttered as he stepped over the heap of pictures in the dirt. “...But yeah, that one was pretty funny. Didja see his face when she hit it with th’ pool table?”

“See it? I savored it. I love that mare. She’s an artist, a true bard for our age that speaks only arson and profanity. A couple thousand years ago she would have been my Queen.”

“Okay, see, we’ve gone an’ hit that part of the chat where shit starts gettin’ creepy with you. There’s a kind of line y’don’t cross in social circles, an’ y’keep crossin’ it, full-kilt, arms wavin’ in the air, with th’ police in hot pursuit.”

“Please, Dodge. I don’t need a stallion who consistently flees awkward, romantic entanglement with members of royalty to roast me on the nuances of polite society.”

“Look,” the stallion backpedaled, starting to sweat, “what may or may not happen between me an’ certain queens and/or princesses s’ my business an’ nopony else’s.”

“...He said unironically.”

“Buck you.”

“I live in your head, Dodge. It’s not like I can just go, ‘Hey, seems like my brainbuddy here’s about to wake the proverbial dead by bedding creatures of myth and legend; I guess I’ll just turn up the Kenny G on my stereo and sit back with a copy of the Times while he’s busy.’ Your business is my business, pal. Get used to it.” Dodge could hear the Draconequus quietly harrumph to himself in the confines of his skull as he strolled down Lamp-post Lane towards his apartment.

“A’right. I guess that’s fair. I might not like ya much, Discord, but as long as th’ two of us are sharin’ the space, I figure arguin’ won’t get us anywhere. Truce?”

“I promise not to turn your brain into a fine, pink mist leaking out of your earholes.”

“...That’ll do.”

Crickets chirped in the distance as Dodge passed through the outer edges of Ponyville’s market district. He could see his apartment building from here; there weren’t a lot of buildings in the small town that were taller than two stories. The apartments themselves were situated a few blocks away from most of the picturesque cottages and houses scattered around the heart of the village. This area was usually a little quieter, which was just the way he liked it.

Cherry had long since passed into a drunken coma on his back, and he had more or less given up hope of taking her to her own place across town. She probably couldn’t even remember which house she was supposed to stumble into and methodically destroy from the inside out on her way to bed. Mistakes had been made after drinking nights in the past...subpoenas had been served, apologies made. The least he could do for the mare was keep an eye on her for a while.

Celestia almighty, she snored like a freight train.

Adjusting her on his back again, Dodge kicked his front door open and crept towards the bedroom. It was getting pretty late; he’d already filled his evening’s scrum quota at the bar, and he needed to catch up on the sleep he had lost during their little adventure in Canterlot. With a heavy grunt he slipped the unconscious mare off of his back and onto the black sheets of his simple bed. Cherry could sleep off her poison for the night and rise to lay waste to the streets again in the morning.

“Awww,” Discord simpered. “Look at that. She’s a regular bundle of class when she sleeps.”

Cherry’s head was cranked to the side at an awkward angle, a trail of saliva dangling from her mouth like a fishing line swaying over the ocean. One hoof was already feeling around for the comforter as the other three kicked softly at the air.

“Bedtime for Bonzo, guy. We’ve got duty in th’ mornin’.” Shuffling back into the small living room, Dodge climbed onto the stark plush couch and rolled onto his back. His eyes drifted from the ceiling fan to the single window above his head, and the moon and stars beyond. When did this become his life? Calamity seemed to be able to follow him around, and by relation, his partner. Maybe being a small-town cop wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

“Stop thinking about things. I’m trying to sleep.”

“...G’night to you, too.”

Would it be considered good or bad to find waking up wrapped in two pairs of hooves becoming familiar?

Dodge blinked at the shafts of sunlight creeping through the window above his suddenly-crowded couch. A pair of bodies weighed him down and prevented him from rubbing his face with a hoof. One was a deep blue; that would be Luna, then. At least she wasn’t in Bizarro Mode. The other was bright pink, and her mane cascaded around her face as she slept in waves of gold and purple.

Ah. Cadance. Why not?

“How long d’you figure I’ve got until Shining tears off my head an’ shits down my neck? I need t’ get my partner out of the next room before my place gets leveled by a tact’cal buckin’ warhead.” The mares stirred and yawned almost in unison as his voice interrupted their snooze.

“Ah, Dodge. What a wonderful pleasure it is to see you again. We simply must stop bumping into each other like this.” Cadance tossed a sunset hue of mane out of her face and nuzzled closer to him.

“Uh...stop?” Terrified as he was of potential Celestial and/or military wrath, Dodge was a stallion, and there were two very lovely princesses literally in his lap, and words were beginning to fail him. Luna smirked and stretched her legs out behind her as Cadence laughed. In a flash of lime-green lightning, the alicorn’s petite pink frame was replaced with a creature of lacquered chitin and wispy blue hair.

“I apologize. Seems I forgot to shed last night’s latest role-play outfit.” Chrysalis shrugged, the very picture of nonchalance. “It’s been an...interesting use of my race’s natural abilities. It certainly keeps things interesting in the court at Canterlot.”

“Agreed,” the Princess piped in. “The addition of Changeling consort-judges, consort-guardsponies, and consort-prostitutes has been an exhilarating experience for myself and all the Canterlot nobility.”

“Sounds like you’re all gettin’ along pretty well then. So, what, does every Changeling...y’know, pretty much jus’ have a buch of state-approved sex alongside their actual jobs?”

“Well, we can hardly live without it any more. What easier way to quickly show passionate love and affection than random, meaningless sex?” The queen smiled wryly and traced a line up and down Dodge’s side with a hoof.

“I, uh...I probably had a hand in that when I altered the absolute core of their being as a species and twisted their DNA like a kitten with a ball of yarn. It really seemed like a good idea at the time.” Discord’s voice heralded through Dodge’s head with a flawless laugh track that echoed through his skull just a little too long.

“Well...I guess it makes for a pretty interestin’ resume. Now, uh, if y’Graces don’t mind, I need t’get up and go to work.”

Queen and Princess disregarded his request and laid back down for another nap.

“No, seriously, the Chief’s gonna have my ass if Cher’ an’ I come in late.”

“Ugh. By royal decree, I pardon thee from any work-related activity while you are serving as my personal consort and throw pillow. Now be quiet.” Luna didn’t even bother to open her eyes as she shrugged his worries away. “Besides, believe it or not, the two of us are here regarding matters of state that will include you and your partner. You are my subject, correct?”

“Well, yes, but-”

“And your Chief Iron Will is as well, is he not?”

“Yeah, I guess; minotaurs officially became legal citizens a few years ago, but-”

“Then quiet yourself,” Luna snorted. “Your daily events have already been planned in their entirety by members of the Royal Court of Equestria. The first and most important of which shall last until eight-thirty this morning, by decree of the Night Princess Declarant. Stop fidgeting and enjoy yourself, officer. That is an order that no pony can disobey.”

With a hearty crack, the apartment’s front door shattered inwards under the blow of a creature who was very much not a pony.

“OFFICER DODGE CHARGER, IF YOU DO NOT OPEN THIS DOOR, IRON WILL WILL SMEAR YOU ON THE FLOOR!”

A truckful of raging minotaur silhouetted the doorway, blocking the glaring light of the sun and filling the room with the stench of raw, hideous rage. A jumble of feathers and fur appeared behind Iron Will and shoved its way into Dodge’s living room, wielding a S.W.A.T. battering ram like a t-ball bat. Tossing the ram aside, Gilda the griffon brushed a few specks of dust from the shoulders of her police jacket and sighed.

“That felt kinda contrived, if you ask me. We need to work on your catchphrases again, Chief.”

“Sorry,” Cherry piped from the kitchen. “That was one of the rhymes I suggested last week.”

“And what th’hell are you doing in my apartment? Cherry, how long have you been awake? Why did you have to break my door down in the first place!?” Dodge flailed and rolled out from under the pair of pouting royals, trying his best to straighten himself up in front of the mountain that towered over him.

Carrying three cups of coffee above her, Cherry stepped over a few loose bits of debris and took a seat on the arm of the couch.

“Well, I woke up just early enough to see the three of you having your fun on the couch there - never sitting on that thing again, by the way - and I decided we’d all need a little java to, uh...perk up for work.” She blew the steam away from her drink and sipped as the two other cups floated to the royalty on the cushions.

“You burnt this,” Chrysalis groused.

“I burn a lot of things.”

Iron Will clenched and unclenched his ham-sized fists, cracking each of his knuckles in a steady rhythm that signaled an incoming beatdown. Gilda rolled her eyes and stepped aside as he thundered towards the two officers with murder in his gaze.

“Coffee is not what Iron Will committed his morning arson for today! You, Officer Charger, and you, Officer Berries, are exactly three-and-a-half minutes late for your morning shift. Ooooh, Iron Will would hate to be you right now. Iron Will is going to take you apart and put you back together so he can take you apart all over again! CAN YOU SMELL WHAT IRON WILL IS COOKING?”

“Heh, actually, that’s me again. I torched the eggs. And the juice.” Cooking, among other things involving flammable objects, wasn’t generally Cherry’s strongest skill.

“I didn’t know you could burn juice,” Luna wondered aloud.

“What Officer Berries can or cannot bring to flaming ruin is not important right now! What do you have to say for yourselves, officers? If you cannot explain, then I will bring you pain!” He stomped his hooves into the carpet, sending shards of door up into the air and earning a few hollers from the apartment below.

Princess Luna set her coffee aside and rose to her hooves, gesturing for Chrysalis to follow her. Between the two of them they stood nearly level with the hulk of muscle and horn that threatened Dodge and Cherry, and that fact was not lost on Iron Will. With a lazy smile, Queen Chrysalis stepped forward.

“In truth, sir, their tardiness this morning was due to our presence. Princess Luna and I came to speak with your officers personally.”

“Heh. Came,” Cherry snickered.

“...Yes. Anyway, we have need of the skills offered by you and your officers, Mister Iron Will. The Crown is extending an opportunity to the Ponyville Police Department to furnish a set number of your best as assistance in a wholly new branch of law enforcement.” With a green spark from the tip of her horn, the changeling queen pulled a large cedar box and a scroll stuck with Celestia’s seal from the crawlspace under the couch.

“Mares, gentlecolts, and other creatures of the united tribes of Equestria...welcome to the sworn brotherhood of the Celestial-Lunar Operations Police Squad.”

Author's Note

Heh, came.

Here and Gone Again

“Hey! Ye lick’le bitch!”

Cherry kept walking, curious to see just how far the stallion would take it. Dodge followed beside her, chuckling under his breath as he noted the growing mob of angry colts behind them.

“‘Ey! I’m talkin’ to ye!”

The green in the stallion’s hair could hardly be seen through the mess of bandages that covered the majority of his body. He stumbled a bit as he walked, possibly due to the splints in both forelegs, but managed to maintain a healthy level of hatred in his gaze as he staggered towards them.

Cherry stopped, sighed, and turned to address the sailor hobbling her way. “What can I do for you, sport?” She couldn’t quite put her hoof on it, but the guy seemed somehow familiar...

“Ye can feckin’ suck mah stones a’fore I kill ye fer stuffin’ a bottle up mah browneye!”

Oooh, yes. She remembered him. Brief flashes of memory from the night before floated up through the haze of alcohol. Several of them featured this stallion and a hoofful of objects from around the bar, as well as a cloud of blind rage.

“Oh! Oh, yeah. Heh. Look, sorry about that, guy, but I was drunk and you were being repulsive as hell...and, well, you know how it goes.” She tried to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. It was early, she was in a relatively good mood, and they technically had an appointment to keep.

Ol’ Salty didn’t get the hint. He reared up on his back hooves (impressive for a pony with four fractured limbs) and spat directly at her hooves.

“Yeah, I see how it goes. So mah boys an’ I hope ye don’t mind iff’n we beat tha ever-lovin’ shite outta ye. Ya know how’s it goes.” Five more brawny thugs crept up behind him, fanning out into a wide wall of hurt headed towards the officers.

The cripple was the first to move, bellowing in rage and hurling himself bodily at Cherry. He stopped with a flat crunch as Dodge’s right forehoof dug into his face, mewling meekly before crumpling into a sad, broken, unconscious heap.

“That’s one. Which one’a ya lucky chucklefucks is next?” Dodge tapped a Mareboro out of his pack and lit up, blowing a short puff of smoke towards the group of colts. One corn-fed specimen, looking like he just stepped out of a horrible research lab that combined stallions with dump trucks, ambled forward and snorted.

“There’s just two of ‘em, idiots. Cops ‘round here think they run the damn place. We gonna teach ‘em a lesson, or what!?”

Following in his hoofsteps, the band moved in for the kill. Dodge pushed his aviators up the bridge of his nose and took a step forward, stopping when he felt Cherry’s baton tap him on the flank.

“There’s only one thing we can do in a situation like this, Dodge. We’re...gonna have to do that.”

Her partner sighed, popping his joints and eying the approaching mob.

“You’re sure? There’s only five of ‘em. We could, y’know, pretend we’re real cops for once.” Cherry shook her head vehemently, ignoring any other option. “Yeah,” Dodge shrugged. “You’re right. Not really our style. So...that?”

Spinning her baton, Cherry jumped up onto Dodge’s shoulders. The brickhouse stallion lifted her above his head with his forehooves, aiming her towards the now-rapidly-backpedaling mass of scumbags. This was like shooting fish in a milk carton.

Hurling her with all of his strength, Dodge sent the little white mare barreling towards her targets - a madly grinning missile with a batonful of pain held in her magical grip.

“FASTBALL SPECIAL, BITCH!”

Cherry's house looked cheerful enough. The small suburb's row of gingerbread-topped homes ended on the street corner with her yellow-and-fuschia monstrosity of a flat.The prevailing architectural aesthetic in Ponyville proper seemed to be diabetes chic, and the policemare's house proved to be no exception. To be honest, the colorful little house looked more like something Ponyville's resident party-loving baker-slash-mare-of-mischief would hawk sugary treats in, rather than shelter the resident peacekeeping arsonist.

A grinning lawn flamingo bore a hastily-scrawled sign around its neck: "Emergencies by appointment only. Trespassers will be violated. Keep off the grass." The plastic bird apparently enforced the rules with the large, menacing purple dildo that had been duct-taped to its left wing.

Ah, yes. It was Cherry's home, after all.

As his partner led him up the brick path to her front door, Dodge realized with a start that he'd never actually been inside her house before.

"I admit I had ya pegged for somethin' a little more...frightenin', Cher'. Wasn't even sure this was your place 'til I saw your lawn ornament." He didn't even bother warranting the offending toy a glance. The otherwise freakish normalcy of the house was more surprising than what he had come to associate as pedestrian in this particular unicorn's life.

Cherry laughed as she floated her keys from her kevlar saddlebags. "C'mon, Dodge, I can't be a baton-swinging lunatic all the time. I'd get worn out, start to lose my edge. Even the baton's getting a little old. Maybe I should use an axe instead. Whaddya think?" She leered back at him as the tumblers in her door clicked into place.

"What, like some kinda axe-cop? Nah. That'd never work. The Chief'd probably try t' figure out a way t' strangle ya with it." While a fan of the unconventional, Even Chief Iron Will had his limits when it came to madness in the name of the law. Which he often enforced with further madness.

"Duly noted. Now come help me grab this stuff so we can get back to your maidens fair."

The visiting royalty had left them back near the center of town, electing to stay behind and lounge near the large fountain that had been erected near a towering statue of Celestia. Luna had already sent Iron Will and Gilda on their way to "prepare" for their new assignment, leaving each of them with instructions to pick up their necessities and equipment before returning. Dodge had already packed his department-issued saddlebags with a spare uniform, flashlight, hoofcuffs, and other tools of the trade.

Cherry, apparently, had much more to bring.

"Comin', Charger?" She trotted inside her home, telekinetically hanging the saddlebags on a coat rack next to the door. Dodge lumbered into her space, marveling at how clean the place was. At work, Cherry's desk was a nightmare of shifting stacks of reports, inkstains, drawerfuls of contraband, and at least one smoldering ash pit. This house was pristine. He felt sorry just for treading his horseshoes all over the rug at the entrance.

He whistled. The carpets were freshly washed and steamed, a small fire crackled in the stone fireplace; even the kitchen, Cherry's well-known personal Tartarus, looked like something out of a department store catalogue.

"You, uh...you've got a nice place here, Cher'. Real clean."

"This is the house of a serial axe killer in the making. She alphabetizes her spices." Discord's voice wandered through Dodge's head, followed by the distinctive whack of a badminton racquet.

"Mornin', Discord," the stallion muttered quietly.

"Good morning, Dodge. I hope you don't mind my getting a late start today. I popped in to see how things were going earlier, and I got to see you pop into a pair of giggling fillies that I only previously knew for their phenomenal cosmic power." Dodge wanted to die.

"Now I understand just how terribly flexible they can be in a pinch. I thought it prudent to go back to bed for a bit. Ooh, touchdown! And the crowd goes wild!" A whistle blew behind Dodge's eyes; he heard the sound of a stadium filled with cheering fans. He desperately tried to change the subject.

"So, uh...what are you playing?" He could hear Cherry in the next room, rummaging through something and cursing under her breath.

"Calvinball. Helps keep the ol' thinkpan limbered up. By the by, what's all this business about your new little C.L.O.P. squad? That name is absolutely adorable."

Dodge sank into a depressingly comfortable recliner and rubbed at his eyes.

"I'm stuck in a tryst between two gorgeous an' terrifyin' mares whose only apparent goal is t' try an' mess with my head, I might've just been dragged into the ranks of what I hope isn't some kinda weird police masturbation division, my boss is a psychotic motivational-speaker-turned-bodybuilder, my partner's a pyromaniac an' possibly OCD neat-freak, an' the Spirit of Chaos is playin' with himself in my skull." He was mentally tired. A gong sounded from his nostrils.

"Love-fifteen. Thirty yards to the goal. Sorry, I wasn't listening. Whatever you were saying, I suggest murder."

"How is this my life?" He groaned, reclining farther back until he could stare at the ceiling. Huh. Even Cherry's miniature chandelier had been freshly dusted. His gaze turned back to the fireplace and the spotless mantle above it. A small picture frame held an old photograph of a smiling mare and a tiny, wild-maned filly. The filly was trapped in time, forever tossing firecrackers in the air as the mare looked on appreciatively.

All further conjecture died when the duffel bag hit him in the face.

"Wake up, Dodge, I need you to help me carry this junk.” She shuffled past him, carrying a second bag slung over her shoulders. Dodge took a second to unzip the duffel in his hooves.

“You’re bringing...seventy-eight pairs of hoofcuffs?”

“And another fifty batons. I don’t know what kind of equipment they’re gonna have waiting for us...wherever we’re going. I didn’t want to take any chances. Why, aren’t you bringing anything?”

He shrugged. It hadn’t really occurred to him to bring anything other than a hoofful of spare uniforms and a carton of smokes.

“Eh, whatever. We can always run back here and pick some junk up if we need it. It’s not like we’re leaving the country or anything.” She dismissed the conversation with a quick wave of her hoof. “Oh, hey, wanna see something cool?” Whipping out with her tail, Cherry caught a delicately-crafted vase off the edge of a table and sent it crashing to the floor.

Dodge stared at the mess of porcelain on the hardwood floor. “Honestly? That’s pretty mellow for you.”

“Excuse.”

The policepony nearly shrieked as a staggeringly old mare appeared behind him, shambling towards the mess and cleaning it with a broom and dustpan that she apparently procured from nowhere. Her gray mane contrasted her bright yellow coat and black maid’s uniform. “Excuse,” she muttered again as she stepped around Cherry and disappeared somewhere in the kitchen.

“Well, uh...I guess that explains how somepony like you keeps th’ place so damn clean. She really pops out at ya, doesn’t she?” Dodge found himself sitting in the recliner again, trying to lower his heart rate.

“Yeah, she came with the place when I inherited it from my mom,” Cherry mused. “I don’t even know her name. Tried to tell her to leave a couple years ago, but she didn’t get the message. At least she picks up after me.” Adjusting her bag, she headed for the door.

The elderly maid was already there, waiting with Cherry’s saddlebags and staring at the two ponies with unblinking eyes.

“Goodbye,” she breathed as she settled the bags over cherry’s hindquarters.

“Yeah, see ya, you old bat. Thanks.” Cherry left the house without another word, leaving Dodge to follow her out while trying not to make eye contact with the Uncanny Valley’s cleaning lady. As soon as the door shut behind them, Dodge exhaled in relief.

“She’s...different.”

“I don’t even know how she keeps getting in the house,” Cherry replied. “I’ve changed the locks four times. I even tried to cuff her once. She got out of ‘em while I was getting ready for work and made me a pack lunch.”

Dodge chanced a quick look over his shoulder at the quiet little house on the corner. From the living room window, a pair of wide, yellowed eyes stared back.

Nope. Shivering from a cold wind that wasn’t there, he joined his partner in their return trip to the center of town.

“Let’s get out of here, Cher’. We’ve got royalty waitin’ on th’ two best cops to ever come out of Ponyville PD.”

“And that is why We consider the two of you to be, bar none, the two worst police officers in the history of the Ponyville Police Department.” Princess Luna had wasted no time in leading the newly-minted C.L.O.P.S. agents from the center of Ponyville and towards the Golden Oaks Library, of all places.

Dodge and Cherry lapsed into an uncomfortable silence as their sovereign began listing their faults.

“Officer Dodge Charger. When was the last time you actually completed a police report?”

He began sweating as he spoke. “Wait...we, uh...we actually have t’do those? I always thought they were some kinda joke the clerks kept playin’ on us.”

The princess tossed her mane to the side, leveling a stern eye in his direction before turning her approach towards Cherry.

“Officer Cherry-Ann Berries. How many days has it been since you committed a blatant act of arson while on patrol?”

Cherry started to speak, thought about it, and fell silent again. After doing a little math in her head, she replied, “ Well...it would have been about three days, but we kinda got into a little rumble with some idiots from the bar this morning. I...think I set one of them on fire.” Luna stared at her. “Oh, and he may have accidentally spread the blaze to a passing taxi cab and two or three vegetable carts. I didn’t really stay around long enough to count.”

The Princess of the Night shook her head, throwing a knowing glance at the Changeling Queen by her side.

“As We stated. Neither of you are particularly fit to continue in your positions as police officers. So you’re both fired.” She swung the library’s front door open as they approached the massive tree. “That is of course not to say that neither of you have particularly useful attributes. You are both unswerving in the line of duty, as proven during your recent encounter with the Changeling armada. Your ability to cause unprecedented and often unintended levels of damage is impressive. And Officer Charger, you are a stellar lay.”

“I’ve gotta admit, I’ve learned a thing or two in the past couple days. You’ve got some smooth moves, Dodge.”

To his credit, Dodge just shut his mouth, ignored the Spirit of Chaos, and suffered in silent embarrassment.

A cute purple unicorn poked her head out from the second level as the group entered, rolling her eyes as she regarded the entourage. She fired a quick bolt of magic into a device hidden upstairs before trotting down to meet them. Cherry couldn’t help but notice the thick bundle of cables that ran down the staircase, ending at a large metallic pad in the middle of the library’s main floor. A series of intricately-carved circles and geometric shapes scarred the metal’s otherwise flawless surface.

“Princess Luna! You’re late,” she deadpanned.

The princess scoffed and led the former police officers behind her onto the metal platform. “Nonsense, Twilight Sparkle. A princess is never late. She arrives precisely when—”

“No. You’re literally two hours late. I’ve had this stupid arcano-tech amplification circle up and running since six this morning. I’ve already sent Iron Will and Gilda off to Goddesses-know-where with it! Where have you been!?”

“We took a short...pit stop, Twilight.” Chrysalis draped herself lavishly over Twilight’s back, playing idly with the smaller mare’s mane. “I for one needed to recharge my batteries. Which, I admit, are feeling woefully undernourished right now...”

“...Queen Chrysalis. Good morning. Please get off of me.” The unicorn’s gaze had turned to tempered steel as the changeling rubbed intimately between her shoulder blades.

“Oh, not even a little reciprocation for this poor old regent? You wound me, Twilight.”

Twilight shrugged the queen off of her back, choosing to stand on the opposite side of the room near an impressive-looking control panel for her device.

“You tried to murder me! And the majority of my friends and family! And I’m not gay!” She seethed as she began to power up the sparkle-batteries that fed pure, carefully-harnessed magic into the machine.

Chrysalis sauntered to her side, peering intently at the controls as she whispered into Twilight’s ear: “That’s not what you said last night in your sleep.”

“And how were you watching me sleep!?” Twilight threw a final switch in frustration, shouting over the rising hum of engines buried deep beneath her treehouse. Chrysalis shrugged in response.

“Technically, I watch everypony sleep through my swarm’s mental webway. Here’s another fun fact: you’re never more than twenty hoofstrides from a changeling. Pleasant dreams, dear.” Tittering in delight, the queen stepped up onto the platform and readied herself for the trip. Princess Luna looked to the ground, embarrassed, and raised her hoof into the air.

“We admit that We also watch you sleep. Your dreams are usually very interesting. And also very, very gay.”

Twilight looked ready for murder. Cherry fancied she could actually see the five-step plan for their total annihilation being built behind her eyes.

“Just...just get in the amplification circle.”

Princess Luna joined Chrysalis in the center of the circle, beckoning Dodge and Cherry to join them. A low thrum vibrated through the base of the structure and into the foundations of the tree itself. Somewhere deep below, a high-pitched whine began to gain intensity.

“Dodge Charger and Cherry-Ann Berries,” Luna began, “today I release you from your duties as police officers in the Ponyville Police Department. Instead you will serve as the first field agents in what is to become the greatest anti-terrorism force known to ponykind. Are you prepared?”

Dodge stamped out the cigarette that had been dangling from his lips, earning him a groan from the unicorn behind the controls. He nudged his partner next to him, a smile stuck on his face.

“Whaddya think, Cherry? Ready to go fight some terror?” She returned his grin.

“Wouldn’t think of lettin’ you go by yourself, you big idiot. Gotta have somepony around to set fires and hit things with sticks.”

“Well...I’m sure wherever adventure’s waitin’, there’ll be plenty o’ shit for you to torch.”

Over the thrumming bass beneath his hooves and the rattling of every object in the library, Dodge could still make out faint vomiting noises coming from inside his skull.

“The two of you are so...ridiculously corny. I for one just hope the writers are a little better wherever we’re going.”

“Everypony just shut the hell up and get out of my house!” Twilight smashed a button in the middle of her control console, sending an arc of magical energy into the platform and its four passengers. The thrum rose to a deafening sonic boom, shattering every window in the home and several around the block. A bright, blue flash enveloped the party in the circle...and in the next moment, they were gone.

Twilight Sparkle picked herself up from the pile of books and debris that had been scattered by the blast. Apparently hauling four passengers through a teleportation spell amplified by one-to-the-gajillionth-power wasn’t something she should try anytime soon. As she dusted herself off and began to pick up her destroyed library, a quick knock echoed through the cracked front door.

Dropping her items in a huff, Twilight stomped over to the door and threw it open with a burst of magic.

“What?”

The brown-coated Doctor pressed his way inside without an invitation, regarding the scene of carnage and the still-smoking center of the amplification circle. Turning quickly, he beamed at the librarian still standing in the doorway.

“Good morning, Miss Twilight! I’m...not late, am I?”

Ponyville 911: Fin

Author's Note

And that's it, folks. But don't worry: just because we're moving on from Ponyville proper doesn't mean this is the last you'll see of Dodge and Cherry. Keep an eye out for the sequel series, coming much faster than you'd probably expect from me.

Heh, coming.

Thanks to both Sabre and Skeeter The Lurker for their help and input with this final chapter.