Rainbow Dash's Lament

by Lilli

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash
Length: 5754

Rainbow Dash just wants to enjoy a night of drinking.

Rainbow Dash just wants to enjoy a night of drinking without being hit on by mares, is that so much to ask?

A multi-author take on a single story concept. Each chapter is labeled as their respective authors.

Published 2012-05-10 23:44:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-10 23:44:02 UTC

Lilli

Rainbow Dash sat at the bar. She had barely been here for half an hour and it looked like it was already shaping up to be another one of those nights. She sat there sipping on the beer that rested in front of her, maybe she’d call it a night early tonight. She didn’t have many bits on her and probably couldn’t afford another night of drinking anyways. She took another swig of her drink, and looked inside the bottle. Its contents were running dangerously low. She decided that maybe now would be a good time to make her exit. She finished off the last few drops and was getting up to leave when the bartender set another one down in front of her.

“Courtesy of the unicorn,” he said pointing with his forehoof down at the end of the bar.

She turned her head to look at who he was pointing to and was greeted by the sight of a pale yellow mare with an auburn mane shyly smiling at her and waving. Rainbow dash internally groaned and turned away, not even bothering to return the wave. She took the drink though, no point in letting good alcohol go to waste.

She sat there and stewed in her misery as music thumped in the background. Behind her mares and stallions moved in rhythmic patterns with the beat of the music. She sighed just thinking about it. Not once had she been asked to dance by someone in whom she was actually interested.

From behind her someone tapped her on the shoulder and a feminine wafted down saying, “Looking to dance, sweet cheeks?”

Dash’s only response was to pull away and bury her head in her hooves. If she was going to make it through the night she’d need more alcohol. She lifted her head and put her hoof up, “Hey barkeep, get me another,” as she puts three more of her bits down on the counter.

“Sure thing,” he reaches underneath the bar pulling up another bottle that he hands to her. Clouds ‘Ale, her drink of choice. After she had left Cloudsdale for Ponyville she hadn’t gone back very often. There wasn’t much about the place that she missed, but she definitely missed the beer. This was the only bar in Ponyville that even bothered carrying it, and as a result was her favorite bar. Importing stuff from Cloudsdale tended to be expensive, especially considering most of the locals preferred the more earthy brews.

She had thought at times about learning how to brew it herself, but she was much too antsy. Loathe as she was to admit it, brewing required a level of patience that she just didn’t have. She was a speedster, the thought of slowing down to do anything was simply beyond her.

She had just settled down into enjoying her drink again when someone fluttered into the seat adjacent to her. The new mare called to the barkeep, “I’ll have one of whatever she’s drinking,” indicating Dash’s slowly growing army of beer bottles. Turning to face Dash she said, “So what’s it like to taste the rainbow?”

Dash scowled, not this again. Without looking at the pegasus she took another nip of her drink and growled, “You’re wasting your time, I’m not interested.”

“Oh, is the great Rainbow Dash too good for us common folk from Ponyville?” Feigned injury filled the mare’s voice.

Dash’s scowl deepened, this girl was gnawing at what little patience she had left. “Buck off, I told you I’m not interested.”

The mare rolled her eyes and walked away, sarcastically remarking, “Must be saving herself for Spitfire.”

Ugh, everyone in this Celestia-forsaken town thought she was a damned fillyfooler. Not once in her life had she hit on another mare or even looked at one like that, she just wasn’t into mares. Not even her friends believed her when she told them. Rarity had even gone so far as to try and set her up on a date with Cloud Kicker. No offense to Cloud Kicker or anything, she was nice and all, but Dash just didn’t swing that way.

“Hey, let me buy you a drink. You look like you could use another.”

Dash looked over, beside her sat an azure stallion. His raggedy mane was black and hung loosely about his head. Her breath caught in her throat for a split second before she regained her cool. “Thanks, always a fan of a free drink.”

“So what brings a beautiful mare like you to a place like this?”

Dash lifts her drink up slightly she says, “Easily the best watering hole in town.” Giving him a pointed look she adds, “and maybe find a bit of fun on the side.”

He chuckles and pauses for a second as if sizing her up, “Well then I might have a proposition that interests you.”

“Oh yeah, what’s that?”

“Well, I have a friend in town who just came out as a fillyf-”

Something inside of Dash snapped. She lashed out, kicking him in the flank and screamed at the top of her lungs, “I am not a bucking fillyfooler! How many times do I have to tell you jackasses before it gets through your thick bucking skulls!” With a quick beat of her wings she was gone, flown out the front door into the chilly night air.

Just another one of those nights.

Kintra

I swished the swill around in my cup, the liquid making a satisfying noise as I sighed into the bars counter.

“What’s wrong sweetie?” A sing song voice called out over the counter at me as I raised my head slightly to look at the speaker. The mare was cute in a way, she had a tan coat, darker brown hair with a black stripe, and wore a pair of glasses that accented her face just enough to bring out her crystal blue eyes A light braid fell across her shoulders and onto the counter as she smiled lightly at me.

I suddenly felt very uncomfortable. But I instead opted to swallow that part of my pride and looked the girl in the eyes, my own mane falling a bit in front of my eyes.

“You wanna know what’s wrong? Everypony thinks that I’m a filly fooler. I can’t get a decent date in this damned town because every stallion I know thinks I’m gay. And even now I’m being hit on by a mare!” I dropped my head back to the counter and stared hard at the girl until she shook her head lightly.

“I’m sorry, what? Who is hitting on you?” I scowled at her a little until she let out a small gasp. “OH! You think ‘I’ am hitting on you! Not at all sweetie, I’m just doing my job. Part bartender part therapist. It is in the fine print.” I raised an eyebrow and she smiled before saying something that caught me off guard.

“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”

(*)

I recited the familiar rhyme and copied the motions of such, making the rainbow-maned mare only look at me like I was insane a moment before smiling.

“Well, I guess she gets around…” I laughed lightly and refilled the pony’s cup with some AJD, she began to complain but I held up a hoof to silence her.

“On the house sweetie, let me take my break and I’ll be right with you okay?” Her smile drooped a moment but quickly regained its previous health as she nodded.

“Sure, that would be nice.” I left her there to contemplate the meaning of life behind the lens of her glass as I finished up a few of my costumers, then I grabbed my brother and told him to take over bartending, the similarly colored pony grunted but moved behind the counter again. There had been a lot of new faces this week, and I intended to meet them all, the most interesting of course was that crimson eyed one at the bar.

I pranced over to her; perhaps a bit late, as I noticed she was talking to another mare, and having a good time from the look of it! The mare was yellow, with a green mane, a bit small, but not too unappealing. If I was a filly fooler, I would say she looked good, but that would be just rude. I snuck up behind the pony and sat at the bar next to her, my brother placing a small strawberry beverage in front of me with a smile as I leaned in to listen to the conversation.

It started out innocently enough, the pony of whom held my current attention apparently had a thing for the wonderbolts, which I was more or less indifferent to, I had a thing for unicorns and earth ponies, Pegasi were usually a bit too quick for my liking. The conversation quickly degraded into a one sided hitting contest, my cyan friend seems conveniently clueless about the fact that she was now being hit on, in fact she seemed happy about the compliments, even going so far as to puff up her chest and show off her wings.

I don’t think she intended it to be sexual, just…Egotistical. She seemed like the type that liked to show off, and it certainly was going to attract attention, sometimes even from the wrong types…

“Wait what?”

“I said, I have a hotel here for the next few days, you wanna join me?”

I smiled as the question finally hit home to the poor girl. She looked shocked over the revelation, so I decided to speak up; standing leaned over the ponies shoulder and looked at her questioner.

“I apologize, but she is taken, sorry.” With that I turned the pegasi to face me; she still looked frustrated, although a blush was spreading across her face as she realized all that had been said. She looked at me indignantly as the yellow mare left with a huff.

“I am NOT Beautiful.” Were the first words from my companion’s mouth after a few minutes of silence.

“Yes you are, but that’s not the point now is it, you keep getting mistaken as a filly-fooler, correct?” She looked me over a moment and sighed.

“Yea, I am. What’s it to you?” She took a long drag from her drink as I smiled.

“Well, I’m here to help, first things first, we need to get you a stallion, someone with balls, and I mean that both literally and figuratively. We need them to be loud, rambunctious so that everypony here knows you are with him. But can’t make it too obvious. Unless you want a one night stand in which case a break up would be fine… If the stallion is gay… That would be perfect…” My words slowly dwindled as I ran through scenarios in my head, there were plenty of stallions, but I needed one that was sophisticated, one that looked like a catch for ANY mare. Only two stood out, one was a familiar red pony; he came in every once in a while with his sister, owned that nice farm down the way.

The other was an alabaster stallion with icy blue stripes in his mane and tail, he sat reading through a small journal of some sort, no alcohol in site, he came in here every so often. But he looked like a sophisticated stallion, so I asked my brother over to talk to him for me. After a moment of telling Rainbow the plan to stop the mares hitting on her I got the stallion over. He immediately sat down between the pegasus and myself. He was certainly one of stature, royal maybe? Unicorn, which was a very nice catch. I put on my warmest smile as he raised an eyebrow.

“Uh, hi. My name is-” “Yes yes, amazing, listen, you see this gorgeous pony behind you? Yes, she needs you to hate her for a moment so she can get a date.” He frowned at me cutting him off as he turned. I stood and walked away as they began talking. Making my way behind the bar I took care of another few costumers, making sure to hug my twin brother as he went about his business. All he did to acknowledge my affection was say “Come on sis, I’m working…” I laughed and moved back to my newest obsessions, finding them deep in a conversation about the wonderbolts; apparently this stallion knew a few members personally.

Interesting though that she would continuously bring them up. After a few moments the debate began getting heated, apparently one of the cyan ponies idols was a close friend of our mystery stallion, and he may have said something about said pony being a filly fooler, and for some reason my nameless friend felt she needed to defend the girls honor. After a few minutes of the argument getting more and more heated I smiled as my cyan friend suddenly broke off with a “Its over, I don’t want to see you again!” The stallion stared in shock as she stood and promptly left the room.

I smiled as everypony in the room looked at her leaving. Word would spread around town now, and within a week people would know she was single, and searching for a stallion... Or that she just recovered from a harsh relationship and is seeking another mare, in which case she will likely be back in here and I get more business. I smiled and turned to the stallion that was looking at me like he just broke something. I laughed lightly and placed a glass of water in front of him.

“It’s a good thing you are such a good actor for a gay guy, or we may not have made it look like you two were dating at all!” I laughed as he stared sadly at me.

“I’m not gay…”

Satin

Maybe if I was the element of Honesty they’d believe me. Maybe they wouldn’t think I wasn’t in some kind of constant state of denial...

My name is Rainbow Dash and let me state for the record:

I am NOT, I repeat that, NOOOOT a filly-fooler. I don’t like girls in that way, I never have. I don’t know why everypony assumes, as AJ would say it, mah barn door swings that way.

Even my closest friends don’t believe me. It’s to the point when I repeat it, it just reinforces their suspicions!

“Oh, of course you aren’t a filly-fooler Dashie!” *wink*

“Of course ya ain’t sugarcube!” *nod*

“I know darling.” *giggle*

“Oh... um... thats nice Rainbow.” *hides behind her mane*

and Twilight was the worst. She just grinned...

I stared at the copper colored liquid in front of me, the clear cup shining in the dim light behind the bar. A familiar purple mare walking back and forth serving drinks. She was the only one who understood what I was going through, poor Berry Punch, everyone thought because of her name and occupation she was constantly in a state of inebriation. Thankfully, that was not the case and it became something to talk about, how misunderstood we both were over something neither of us had control over.

She looked over at me for a second, and I smiled warmly and nodded at her. She returned the favor before returning to work.

It was weird flying solo this particular Saturday night, all my friends had some excuse to not come out bar hopping with yours truly. And that’s fine, sometimes you just have to drink alone and collect your thoughts.

I’m currently on my 3rd free drink of the night... I dunno what it is about me that makes mares instantly like me in that way but I’m usually willing to take the drinks they buy for me. It’s when they saunter up to me and offer take me away and give me the night of my life that just burns my flank.

The portly red bartender makes his rounds around the bar. He stops in front of me as he pulls out another tankard and begins to fill it up.

“From the mare at the end of the bar.” He says in his city-pony accent.

I look over to see Carrot Top raising her drink to me and giving me a wink... UGH! Thats it! I’ve had enough of this nonsense! “Send it back.” I say in a hushed tone so the anger doesn’t become evident in my voice.

“Excuse me miss?” He leans forward, the music blasting in the background.

“I SAID SEND IT BACK!” The poor stallion jumped back in surprise as I snapped, nearly slamming into the shelving behind the bar. I hold my hoof up to the bridge of my nose. I need to stop drinking or drink a whole lot more more. Either/or.

The pudgy stallion slinks off to give Carrot Top the message. I watch as they exchange words and she gives me a odd looking stare. I slap on a malicious smile and respond by raising my cup and giving her a wink. She turns away and trots off in, what looks like, a huff. One less mare I need to worry about riding my flank all night... uhhhhhhhhhh. A shiver runs through my body at my poor choice of wording in my thoughts.

I go back to concentrating on my drink. The amber liquid waits impatiently in the glass sloshing side to side, however that might of just been me rocking the stein. Not quite sure.

It’s not two minutes time before a hoof prods me in the shoulder sharply. A pink mare with a light green mane, who had obviously had a bit too much to drink, was wavering as the words seemed to fall out of her mouth. “W-wouldja... wouldja like to dance? Ya pretty young thing.” The hoof started to move up to my face. I caught it before it reached its intended destination.

“No thanks, I’m good.” I say to this pony that decided it was ok to touch ponies strangers on the face.

“Oh you think y-y-you’re too good for me? Is that it?” She says (offended? I think, it’s hard to tell when they slur like that.)

I look her over for a second before responding, “Yeah, I think so.”

A sneer plagues her face as she tries to walk off with some dignity only to trip over her own hooves and crashes into a drink laden table, spilling every liquid that occupied every glass all over her. Ahhh sweet Celestial justice. A wide smile spreads across my face.

Laughing at other ponies’ misfortune... there should be a word for that...

I turn back to my drink to find yet another young mare wedged uncomfortably at my side vying for my attention. She has a dark red coat with a long black straight mane that has a stripe of orange running through it. Her orange eyes giving me a once over. My head drops into my chest. “Alright FINE! I give up! Take me to bed! Make a mare out of me!”
She smiles evilly at me, “Oh really?” I could almost see a twinkle of excitement in her eye. A BUCKING TWINKLE IN HER EYE!

“NO!” I throw my hooves up to give a more dramatic reaction. Her excited face just crumbled away and became the saddest face possible with the whole puppy dog eyes and the quivering lip thing.

That does it, I’m drinking till all this dumb goes away.

She walks away sad and dejected. I really can’t be asked to care about these mares’ feelings at this point. I’m here for me, for fun! Now, I’m just in a worse mood and could use another drink... screw that. More drinks! Maybe even shots!

I call the bartender over and order the most awful, most sadistic, most ACRID liqueur in the whole damn place. He looks unsure for a moment but a quick scowl from me assures him that I’m serious about this. He goes into the back and in a few minutes comes back with a big black bottle with 3 large x’s on the front of it.

He pours a small shot and passes it to me. I take it, and throw it back in one swift motion. My mistake is evident as soon as the viscous liquid hits my throat. Saying it burned would be an understatement. It felt as though I ate Celestia’s sun like an apple.

To be quite honest, I loved every second of it. I bought the whole buckin’ bottle and then I tried to conduct a feat that would rival the sonic rainboom, I tried to drink it.

The haze faded in after about the 3rd drink... and with a final one-two shot. I was gone.

...this doesn’t feel like my cloud bed...

My eyes burst open as I try to take in my surroundings. Big mistake. The Sun’s brightness is very unforgiving. I shield my eyes as I try to figure out where I am. It looks like a hotel room. I guess I was smart enough to not FUI (Fly under the influence); I can be brilliant sometimes, even when drunk. I stretch out on the bed trying to wake myself up and hit something soft. I turn over and see a long black mane with a orange stripe running through it spread messily over the other half of the bed...

Ahhhh Celestia banish it! Not again!

DevilsMessiah

Through the Eyes of a Stranger

It was just another Friday night, and I was lonely. As much as all the local ponies all seem friendly, a creepy traveling woodspony never attracts good attention. It may have been the cloak, or possibly the strange glances I keep on giving them, but either way, they eventually gave me a wide birth. It’s not my fault my face is this way; it’s just how I was born! Who said fish lips weren’t attractive? They shall call me, ‘The Devilish Shadow!’

I decided against a simple night of TV and pizza, and thought it would be a good idea to hit up the local bar instead. Celestia knows what inspired me to do this, but I blame my shitty mini-fridge back in the hotel. I began thinking about the totally ‘rad’ night I had planned ahead. Torching chariots and bricking shop windows! Might even be able to pick up some mares this evening! Well, at the very least, a similarly lonely, very randy stallion knowing my luck.

… … …

Haha! Who am I kidding!? Creepy cloak; check. Premature baldness; check. Array of sharp implements dangling from my belt; check. Oh yeah, I’m lover boy alright! The mares will drop for me! Well, run and scream, but same difference. ‘The Midnight Seducer’, they shall call me.

I suppose I should finally see what the locals of Ponyville pass off as ‘drink’. I’m not hopeful to be honest, the last town I passed through thought it appropriate to mix something up which appeared to be made from a combination of dirt and feces. Mmmmm, my favourite, and as much as I like swill, I’ll pass, no thanks.

And so, I eventually found myself at the bar; ‘The Sleeping Stallion’. It sounds nice enough I suppose, who doesn’t like sedate stallions? I found myself triumphantly strolling through the door, head held high, only to be greeted by… Nopony. What was I expecting, really? Well, no matter, I’m still feeling triumphant, or at least somewhat triumphant. Yes, I am at least 97% as triumphant as before.

The bar was fairly desolate, which was what I was used to. Travelling on the road often presented a lot of empty bars. And bandits… Lots of bandits. Now, I consider myself a stallion, and yet no matter how attractive a female bandit is, they still scare the living shit out of me… Lucky for me, I am fairly adept at soiling myself and running, it’s what keeps me alive, and that works for me. My bit purse isn’t too fond of all the new clothes expenditures though, and I believe it mocks me from my saddle bag. I shall be known across the land as, ‘The Living Coward!’

Anyway, the bar, right… I walked over to the counter and eyed up the mare working behind it. She was a coconut colour, and fairly attractive. Unfortunately, it appears she’s taken by another, as the bracelet on her foreleg indicates. Am I still willing to…? No, that would be wrong… But… She is hot, no ‘morally wrong’ or ‘socially undesirable’ aspects to saying that.

I order a drink from her, and take as seat by the fireplace to the right of the bar front, to continue my lecherous activities. I begin to ponder the more meaningful things about life, for example; how long can you borrow something before it becomes stealing? If you eat yourself, do you become twice as big, or disappear entirely? And, why is it called ‘taking a dump’, and not ‘leaving a dump’? After a stint like this, they shall call me, ‘The Phantom Philosopher!’

I continue my purposeful musings, when a cyan pony enters the bar, looking tired and thoroughly worn out. She trots up to the bar and speaks to my coconut coloured friend. What, she gave me a drink? We’re totally BFF’s now. The fact that I had to pay for it doesn’t count.

The new mare was something. I mean, how often do you see a pony with a Rainbow coloured mane? I bet that’s dyed, that, or her parents were doing some really sinister stuff while she was in the womb. Well, she seems nice enough, and has a real tidy flank on her too. I could just bite into that… ‘Coconut’ dear, it’s nothing personal, we just weren’t right for each other. Still friends though, right?

I observed, as the new pony sat down and rested her head on her hooves. Time for some more pony watching. Sipping at her drink, she sighs. I can briefly overhear her repeating the word;

“Why…”

Now, as you can tell, I’m not one to pry, but I can’t help but ponder the meaning behind these words. ‘Why’ is quite subjective you see… I’m about to dive into another totally philosophical thought process when the cyan pony cries out again. It seems the ‘swill’ here has some kick to it. It’s amazing what dirt can do.

“Just because I don’t wear makeup or go shoe shopping…”

She shook her hoof and struck the bar.

“That one time in college was only experimental! I didn’t know what I was doing! Damn Gilda…”

Oooh~ So she’s one of them, a filly-fooler! It sounds like she could be converted over to our side with a relatively swift, one-time internal application of penis. And I believe I am the stallion to do this job.

After her outburst, she had drawn a fair bit of attention from the other patrons of the bar, and made my night a whole lot better. Something tells me she’s psychic though, as for every inappropriate thought I have, she glares at me. That’s ok though, those eyes… Oh! And there’s the glare again! I think she likes me. Like I said ‘Coconut’, it’s nothing personal.

My night is made even better when I see our little mare approached by another; a lilac coated pegasi mare with a fairly unique ice-blue and white mane. Totally hipster. She has the sun obscured by a cloud as her cutie mark. That reminds me of a poem I once knew. I took a breath, ready to sing to myself, when my breath was stolen, taken away by what the lilac mare did next. She placed her hoof around my cyan mare’s neck and started sweet talking her.

Back off! She’s MINE. Well, she doesn’t know it yet, but she will be. I’ll have my smooth moves polished off spick ‘n span by the end of the night. S’all good. I’ve got these babies tucked up my sleeve; “Hey babe, is that a ‘twitcha tail’, or are you just happy to see me?” And other such greats as; “Babe, there’s a party in my pants and you’re invited~” Which to be honest, seems a little silly now, considering I don’t wear pants… Maybe I should invest… Haha, I just thought of a new one; “Hey babe, there are only 6 males in this village. Have sex with me.” Naah, that’s just un-classy…

To my surprise, a swift kick, and the new mare is flung off my cyan sweetie, as she cries out;

“I am NOT a filly fooler!”

Ahh, playing hard to get, I like that. But with the way things were going there, I was sure she’d be leaving with Ms Lilac. I mean, I was almost compelled into going out with her. Asking if somepony ‘makes cupcakes, because they sure are sweet’, now that’s just pure genius! And now, if anypony wonders where I got it from, I can tell them I picked up a mare in The Sleeping Stallion with it. It’s mine now, and nopony will know otherwise… ‘The Chivalrous Chat-Up’, they shall call me.

And so my night continued, and despite my cyan belles declaration; she seemed like filly fodder. One after another they approached; it was like a sea of mares! I just wish I was the one bathing in it… And just as equally as they came, she cut them down, I like that; she’s saving herself for me. What a faithful girl.

After the hilariously steady influx and then outflow of mares, ‘rainbow mane’ was looking pretty beat. Time to make my move! I mean, being the true gentlecolt that I am, I feel it’s appropriate to let the competition have a go, before I come in and let out the big dogs. There is NOTHING wrong with waiting for a mare to tire herself out, before swinging in like some sort of spectre and stealing her away. Yeah, that’s the dignified way to do things. I can see it now, ‘The Gallant Gentlecolt!’ My name will be in the papers!

Before I can make my move though, some broad decides to give it one last crack, and walks up to my mare, offering to buy her a drink. Ahh, going the ‘buy them off’ route I see, touché fair mare, touché. The glare coming off my mare though is undeniably scary; I can see the fires in her eyes. Despite being cute, she must be one of the butch ones, a true battle-axe in the warrior field of filly-foolers! But wait, where was I?

Oh, right, the theft of my mare. Well, it sure would be ungentlecoltly to interrupt now, so I guess I’ll wait. The mares like the strong silent ones. And I am one of those things.

I watch expectantly, as my cyan mare’s rage explodes. I swear to Luna that I can see Nightmare Moon in her eyes. She turned to the pony next to her, and through drunken bleary eyes, screams right in her face;

“For the last Celestia damn time, I am NOT a filly fooler! Now move, unless you want your flank kicked!”

The challenger whom had approached, seemed undeterred by this ferocious display, and believes her target is acting coy. I know better though, me and Ms Cyan have been together for a long time now, and know each other inside out. I can tell she’s pissed off, she would never say it though. She’s sweet like that.

I turn back, just as I hear an, “Ooofff!” - Just in time to see the challenger limping away rubbing her flank. You show ‘em girl! No one can stand between our love! … Wow, there’s that glare again, only, this time, it’s more intense…

Once again, the bar is quiet, the numerous males have left, and not even propositioned me, (it must be that they fear my insane levels of masculinity), and the females hitting on my melancholy beauty, have realised the futility of the venture, and given up also, retreating back out of the door with glum looks on their faces.

Now, it’s just me, ‘Cyan’ and ‘Coconut’. Life is good. Time to make- Oh, no… That… That better not be what I think it is… ‘Coconut’, no! I-I thought we shared something! We were BFF’s, and now you hit on my mare! Remember that you loved me once! Nothing. Great, betrayed by those I thought I could trust… I’ll be demoted to something dreary like, ‘The Abused Anon’, doomed to walk the earth a shell of his former self.

As I watched the unfortunate events unfold, I was once again treated to that wonderfully nervous ‘I think I’m gonna puke in my mouth sensation’, as I watched ‘Coconut’ work her sexy bartender magic on my beauty; spewing off such greats as; “You know what they say about ponies with a big horn, right?” What? Now, this confuses me, seeing as ‘Coconut’ is a mare and all… Not as much as the fact that she is also an earth pony, but whatever… That is, until she walks around the bar and stands by the door, shouting for me to get out of the bar.

Seems like I may have made a little mistake somewhere… I glance over ‘Coconut’ once more and notice where I went wrong, for ‘she’ is actually a ‘he’… Well, I’d still tap it, but… I don’t even want to think of the associated names they will then call me!

As I sadly trudge towards the door, I contemplate what has just happened; the fleeting feeling of love, the fickle nature of the heart, and how even those you think love you the most can betray you and stab you in the back… Oh, and how the drink here is overpriced.

I turn back one last time, standing in the doorway, and look over my two lost loves. We didn’t spend that much time together, but I really felt like we had a bond, even if only for a short time. Without even giving me a glance, I leave the mare and her… ‘Stallimare’ to it, and walk off into the cold, dark night.

You know what? I think that mare was straight after all.