If you want something done right...
One pleasant day in Ponyville, Rarity was on her way to visit her good friends Applejack and Fluttershy. They were two of her best friends. She had other friends of course, but Applejack and Fluttershy rated in the top five at least.
As I said, it was a pleasant day in Ponyville: warm, sunny, lots of birds doing bird stuff, you know the type. For Rarity it was the perfect kind of day for a picnic, which happened to be precisely where she was going. Twilight was supposed to be joining them an unspecified amount of time later, probably just as they were cleaning up, as was often the case for the overworked princess. And Pinkie Pie was watching hers and the Cake's foals, as seemed to happen a bit more often with each passing year, and minding the shop while the Cake's were off doing whatever it was they did when they had free time.
Rainbow Dash was the special one, though. She was supposed to be getting back from a pan-Equestrian Wonderbolts tour early that afternoon, and had made a habit of stopping by Fluttershy’s cottage first thing when ever she got back to Ponyville after a tour. So the three of them were planning a little 'welcome home' ambush.
Rarity’s plans changed, however, when she heard what could only be forlorn grumbling coming from the forest by the path. Unable to resist, she made her way carefully off the path and through the trees. When she came to a small forest glen she saw the source of the complaints. It was Rainbow Dash, who appeared to be fussing over something in her hooves.
“Whats wrong with aunty Rainbow, Mom?” Rarity had been so focused on Rainbow Dash that her daughter’s whisper startled her ever so slightly. Not that she had forgotten about the little tyke, she just wasn't expecting a voice so close to her ear while she was technically sneaking.
She hunkered down in the grass by the tree line and turned to her daughter. “Jade, darling, Go to the picnic and tell the others I’ll be a bit late. I’m going to see if I can help Rainbow Dash with whatever is the matter.”
“Kay.” The little half-dragon slid off her back and slunk through the woods with what Rarity had to admit was a rather alarming degree of stealth.
Right, Spike. Rarity’s precocious paramour would be missing the picnic for precisely the same amount of time as his boss/sister, as he was her ‘royal assistant’. Or something to that effect at least.
But we were talking about Rainbow Dash. The forlorn flyer was sitting in the field… Staring directly at Rarity. “Uh, How long have you been there?”
“Oh, um, well, you see. That is to say, ah… Are you okay, Darling?” Ah, yes, truly a master of speaking under pressure, that one.
“I’m…” She was planning on blowing the whole issue off, but she knew Rarity wouldn’t leave her alone until she got to the bottom of the problem and felt like she had helped fix it in some way. Cause, like, that's what friends do n’ stuff. “Fine. The spa in Sunnyvale did my hooves wrong.”
Yes, I know what you’re thinking. ‘Since when does mochomare Rainbow Dash go to the spa?’. I’ll admit that would sound strange to most ponies, but the truth of the matter is that stunt flying puts a lot of stress on a pony’s body, so the wonderbolts have a tradition of going to the spa after a show. And by ‘tradition’ I mean if you don’t get a massage and a hot bath after a show you can end up with some serious medical conditions, like chronic featheritus or areal wing arrhythmia. So it was that Rainbow Dash went to the spa and the spa ponies didn’t do her hooves in quite the way she liked them, and that was a huge problem for her. Cause, you know, reasons.
“Yes, I see what you mean, Dear; this is more the Trotter style. As I recall you prefer a modified medium Canter bevel, yes?” Rainbow Dash was looking at the clouds and blushing furiously while Rarity closely examined her forehoof.
Not that she was embarrassed or anything! She just had really sensitive hooves, honest. It certainly had nothing to do with the expert touch of Rarity’s soft hooves on her foreleg, or the fact that Rarity apparently knew exactly how she liked her hooves done, and had a name for it. And I— Rainbow Dash definitely never had a crush on her! Ever. No way. No unicorn fetish here, no-siree-bob-joe-dan. Unicorns are, like… uni… corny… or something. Anyways she didn’t have a crush on Rarity, at all. Besides, she was already engaged to a unicorn haber-something hat-pony in Canterlot named Fizlepop, and she was adorable.
Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked. Rarity was gently fawning over Rainbow Dash’s hoof. “It’s going to be okay, Rainbow Dash, I can fix this. Fluttershy has everything we need at her house. come on, let's get you fixed up.” And so it was that Rarity and Rainbow Dash ended up in fluttershy’s huge, clawfoot bathtub together.
“Rarity, I get why I’m in the tub, but why are you in here too?” Rainbow Dash was in the water to soften her hooves so Rarity would have an easier time fixing the mistakes the spa had made, but Rarity didn’t have an excuse.
“I need my hooves to be supple so I can be more precise with the file.” Okay so she had a perfectly valid reason.
Wait, no she didn't! “Uh, aren't you gonna use magic, or your mouth like a normal pony?”
“I've met unicorns who can cut a Canter bevel with magic, but it is much easier to do with hooves, and nopony does it with their mouth, Darling. That's just silly.” Okay fine, she did have a good reason. She probably had a good reason for the cloud of files and stuff she was magicing over to the bath too, but it still made Rainbow Dash nervous.
“That's... a lot of sharp stuff.” It looked like more when it was in Rarity's magic. On the shelf by the tub it looked more like five things.
Then Rarity spun around and sat in Rainbow Dash's lap. “Ah! What the hay, Rarity?” Again, not embarrassed, no fillyhood crush at all, definitely not having 'wing problems'.
“Oh come now, Rainbow Darling. Surely you know the history of your favorite hoof style?” 'Since when did hoof styles have history' I hear you thinking. I know right? It's just how a pony files her hooves, right? Why would it need a history?
Of course now Rarity had a story to tell, so Rainbow Dash just sat there not thinking inappropriate thoughts about her friend while she talked and filed. “It was developed a few decades after the unification of Equestria. Originally it was an activity for lovers. They called it 'Cadenza's cradle'. Isn't that cute?” Ya, not helping Rarity. “Anyway, it was designed for unicorns who married non-unicorns since unicorn foreplay generally involves lots of magic.” Oh, great, it’s foreplay. Thanks for that Rairs, that's exactly what I needed to hear with you sitting in my lap in fluttershy’s bathtub... what Rainbow Dash needed to hear with Rarity in her lap... you get the point.
So anyway, Rarity was filing Rainbow Dash's hooves. In fluttershy’s bathtub. In a style that was apparently supposed to be foreplay. Ya, it was that kind of day. “Ya, I just like how it doesn't break or chip very easily.” Can you get light headed just from excessive blushing? If you can, that's what was happening. If not...
“That's precisely the point, Darling. Pegasi and earth ponies, especially earth ponies, use their hooves far more than unicorns, so the shape was intended to repair the hooves after a strenuous day of work and prevent further damage.” If the forehooves were awkward the hind hooves were downright inappropriate. She just kept pulling to get a better position for filing. I guess that explains the foreplay part at least. “leave it to earth ponies to make foreplay practical.”
She had to chuckle a bit at that; it really is classic earth pony thinking to find a way to make forep— “Stop wagging your tail!” For pony's sake, Rarity, really?
"Sorry, Darling. This is just really exciting.” You're telling me. “I never imagined I would get a chance to do the Rainbow Dash's hooves.” Ya, that's not weird or creepy at all. Does she have a hoof fetish or something? "There we are, Darling. Better than new.”
She actually did a good job, a really good job. The bevel was absolutely perfect. The hooves were polished to a mirror sheen. She even trimmed the fetlocks. “Wow, Rarity. You're even better at this than Lotus.”
“Who do you think taught her, Dear?” Oh, that makes sense. If she thought the spa ponies the hoofstile I guess she would have more experience with it, but why would she know it in the first place? She hates beveled stiles. Her hooves are always rounded.
“Oh, I'm sorry. Were we supposed to be having the Picnic in here?” So apparently Fluttershy was home and had to use the bathroom. “Cause I thought it was going to be by the tulip patch so that's what I told Applejack and...” She probably kept talking, but Rainbow Dash couldn't hear her because she panicked and tried to hide under the water, and in the process knocked Rarity over. Rarity shrieked and fell on Rainbow Dash, knocking the air out of her lungs. Rainbow shot up, gasping for breath, and ended up pushing Rarity under. Rarity sat up, bracing herself with a hoof, and managed to flip her mane onto Rainbow Dash’s head, where it stuck.
So now they were facing eachother with Rainbow in Rarity's lap and Rarity’s mane stuck to Rainbow’s face. They were both blushing furiously, Rarity out of lack oxygen and not a little anger, and Rainbow out of embarrassment and... other stuff.
Fluttershy wasn't talking anymore. She looked at the floor, now almost as wet as the ponies in the tub. She looked at the ponies in the tub, now almost as red as the tulips outside. "I just cleaned that."
Author's Note
Couldn't decide if this was done or not. Let me know if you think it needs another chapter. (or if you just want one.)
Fore those of you that were hoping for the next chapter of SPPatDDDGuMT It should be done soon. Some life happened, but I'm getting back on track. Sorry for being a terrible person.
As a consolation prize, here's an old interview with the Australian prime minister.
Happy fish-sticks! 
