The ornate doors of Canterlot Castle stood tall and imposing, enormous in comparison to most creatures who approached. Lit with hundreds upon hundreds of torches, the castle was a shining beacon to Equestria's accomplishments. The guards were many, standing stoic and vigilant in the night, waiting for the tiniest spark of trouble to ignite a flame of battle.
Being a guard was not an easy job. Long hours for little pay and daily vigorous training were hardly the sort of things most ponies sought in terms of employment. Sure, the benefits were lovely, but Equestria had its fair share of problems that the guards were not trained for— they often had to come up with tactics on the fly. So every so often, when something funny happened that lightened the mood of the castle, it spread like wildfire.
Tonight’s particular comedic spectacle came courtesy of Diamond Dancer. At ten years old, Diamond was the youngest pony to come to service of the crown. Her unquestionable loyalty to Princess Luna garnered the little pegasus the princess’s attention, but the impervious skin she possessed secured it. Incapable of receiving physical damage, Diamond confessed her undying loyalty to Luna, and quickly became a high-ranking member of Luna's Night Court.
Oft called ‘Servants of Shadow,’ or ‘Children of the Night,’ Luna had a very special group of devotees that she summoned for particular reasons, when normal guards could not accomplish the job. Not unlike the Elements of Harmony, the members of the Night Court were each equipped with their own unique abilities. Diamond in particular was often sent to retrieve items, or scout missions for the rest of the group. Tonight, her mission was to track down a rogue member of Celestia's court— an earth pony with nigh unmatchable skills with a sword.
"Do not engage. Just secure his location. That’s all you need to do," Princess Luna had commanded. Simple orders, but boring ones. Didn't Princess Luna think she could handle it herself? Diamond had a mission success rate of 100% and counting. It was an insult to be told she couldn’t engage! Why couldn’t she bring the target back?!
And so, the haughty little pegasus headed out the wide double doors of the castle, her signature baseball bat in hand, and tennis shoes squeaking with every step. She rarely chose to wear armor, stating that her favorite hoodie and jeans sufficed since she was invincible. In truth, Diamond was actually only extremely durable, not invincible, but she certainly didn’t mind spreading the rumor of her legendary ‘invincibility.’
The plan was simple: find the target, confront the target, then club the target into submission and drag him back to the Princess! Mission complete!
It was the perfect plan! Fool proof! And yet, here she was, dragging her shiny, silver baseball bat through the dirt as she approached the castle, her ears splayed down, her tail tucked neatly between her legs, and her scowl permanently affixed to her face for the time being. The guards snickered as she approached— little miss Diamond, high-ranking officer.
Diamond technically outranked most of Celestia's guards (Not that any of the guards or knights particularly cared about what Diamond had to say, or orders she had to give). Luna's 'Servants of Shadow' were highly trained, highly skilled, and not to be trifled with. So, the guards did everything they could not to laugh when the girl came back, no quarry in tow, and wearing naught but a pair of panties with extremely colorful depictions of various bears from a certain popular television show. Of all the days to wear her favorite undies…
She made her way through to the Great Hall, passing numerous guards along the way, all of whom bit lower lips until scarlet gushes of life raced out. Diamond, to her credit, did not flinch, or snarl, although the numerous chuckles behind her back did give her reason to blush furiously as she walked… right into the main hall, where she approached the left throne.
There, sitting casually, a smug grin twisting over her features, and a nail file in one hand, sat the author of darkness. Princess of the Night, Luna of Equestria. She was doing her best not to laugh as well, but making a particularly poor show of it.
"Soooooooooooooo, how'd it go?" she asked, while a guard standing next to the throne burst into giggles. Diamond drew in a begrudged breath, and stared straight ahead. Princess Luna's grin grew larger. "That good, huh? And what did we learn?" she cooed quietly. Diamond's ears perked and the little girl gave a groan. This punishment was turning out to be so much worse than she thought.
"’Do not engage da target’ means ‘do not engage da target,’" Diamond spat ruefully. The princess's grin widened.
"Oh? Is that what happened? Did you engage the target I told you not to engage? Surely you knew about his reputation with a blade. He is a master strategist. ‘More than one way to win a battle,’" she chided, mocking his gruff voice. It was the same thing he had said when he cut the girl's clothing to ribbons in a single slice after they fought each other to a stand-still.
Being invulnerable meant absolutely nothing when modesty and decency were being targeted. The battle ended quickly after that, with Diamond scurrying into the night with her weapon and what was left of her clothes. She'd try again later, once she managed to obtain some form of garment to cover her colorful dedication to her favorite cartoon… which she failed to do.
Diamond's ears drew back and Princess Luna casually continued to buff and examine her nails before she pointed the file at Diamond's chest. "You know, little errant, I'm actually not upset with you. You did manage to secure his location in your own particular… fashion, shall we say? We surrounded him very quickly after your tactical retreat. You completed your mission, and I hope you learned a valuable lesson in the process. Really, I couldn't be more proud," the princess explained. Diamond bit her inner cheek to keep her mouth shut.
"Speaking of fashion, do tell, errant— which is your favorite? Mine's Grumpy Bear," the princess announced, and the guard next to the throne doubled over in hooting shrieks of laughter.
Diamond stood there, regardless, accepting her punishment with as much dignity as she could afford. Not that she had any to begin with. She squirmed in her favorite little Care Bear panties while the guards of the castle got a good laugh, and Princess Luna amused herself with the girl's results.
"Well?" the princess asked, leaning forward in her throne, her grin so wide it might have lopped her head off if she wasn't careful. Diamond Dancer ground her teeth together and gave a little huff.
"Cheer… Bear…” she spat. Each word was poison along her tongue. Princess Luna giggled and clapped her hands together.
"Oh, that's just so adorable! Thou art my cutest widdle warrior!" Luna exclaimed, reaching out to pinch Diamond's crimson cheek like an overzealous mother. "What do you think, guards?" the princess called to the two standing at the door.
"She's so precious!" said the first, snickering quietly.
The second grinned and nodded his head, snickering in turn. "Absolutely lovable! Glad she's on our side! Very fierce!"
Push-ups. One-hundred. No, one-THOUSAND. Diamond glared at the guards quietly before turning back to Princess Luna, who had taken her seat back on the throne and crossed one leg over the other.
Princess Luna glared quietly at her little errant, who stood quietly in front of her, cheeks red, ears down, defeated in combat, and now standing half-nude in the middle of a populated castle. She'd suffered enough. "Dismissed," the princess said after an eternity.
Diamond gave her most respectful bow, considering the circumstances, and stormed back out of the main hall, her tail flicking behind her in irritation, her wings tucked tightly into her sides. She was never going to live this down…
Luna grinned quietly. Little thing had more loyalty than common sense, but that went a long way, as far as she was concerned. Loyalty could be worth more than gold when it came to war and kingdoms. Her ears perked when she heard a shout from the tower, more than likely to a snickering, passing guard.
“SO I LIKE CARE BEARS, OKAY?!"
Quietly, Princess Luna chuckled and leaned back against her throne. Lesson learned.
Author's Note
Diamond is slap stick and situational comedy, and thats the way I likes it. 
Oh, GOD, I wrote this at 4 am. This is unedited, and half of it doesn't even make sense. WTF Rarity.
Please go and thank Level Dasher for making this even remotely readable.
