The Symposium

by Orbiting Kettle

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Shining Armor, Princess Celestia
Length: 1199

The leading equestrian intellectual elite meets once again to discuss the state of the cultural discourse, there may be blood.

Every decade Celestia holds the Symposium, the most important forum on the state of philosophy and culture in Equestria, where the smartest ponies of their generation meet and discuss in a frank, open manner. Shining Armor is on guard duty, and he is starting to doubt that he will live to see another day.

Written for a Write-off contest, the prompt being "The Best Medicine".

Now with dramatic reading by CaptainBron3y

Published 2015-03-22 15:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-22 15:10:01 UTC

The Symposium

The sound of shattering ceramic caught Shining Armor’s attention. He rapidly turned to identify the source of this new disturbance, and saw the shards of a vase ricocheting his shield.

"That was a gift from the Zebrican Emperor."

Shining Armor frowned. "There isn't a Zebrican Empire."

Celestia smiled. "Not anymore. It was a brutish, unpleasant and short experiment.” She looked at the fragments skidding to a stop on the marmor floor. “That vase was nine hundred years old. It was a unique artifact from that time. I am pretty sure it was the last of its kind."

He stared with horror at the remains of the former priceless object. “I… I am sorry Princess. I should have caught it. I…”

She chuckled. "Oh, well, I hated it anyway."

He looked back at the scene unfolding outside his shield. The banner proudly declaring 'CLIV Symposium on the State of the Equestrian Culture’ was on fire. The Old Avant-Gardists had fortified one of the corners, but were out of projectiles after the Zebrican vase. It seemed that their faction would soon disintegrate under the pressure of infighting. The Dadaist and the Futurist were already arguing. Maybe. Shining Armor wasn’t quite sure; one was doing a strange dance while pouring honey on his head, the other one was sputtering a poem. At least, he dearly hoped it was a poem. The idea of organizing an evacuation if his iron lung was malfunctioning again amidst the shifting chaos of the battle sent shudders along his back.

"Your highness, are you sure this was a good idea?"

"It is an ancient tradition, my dear Captain. The decennial Symposium is the high point of the Equestrian cultural discussion, the most important forum of it’s kind.. It helps me to stay current and it is a wonderful occasion for the exchange of new ideas among our most talented scholars."

A makeshift catapult collapsed, scattering the existentialists camp. High pitched wailing about the absurdity of life echoed briefly, before being overwhelmed again by the sound of battle.

"Princess, I understand the intention underlying this gathering, but maybe it got a bit out of hoof. I mean, the positivists are... Are they about to defenestrate a prisoner? Oh sweet Celestia!"

“Oh my.” She winked to a distraught Shining Armor. “I am flattered, but nor you or I want to unleash the wrath of Cadence, so I must decline.” She snickered. “But fear not, I won’t tell her anything.”

Three mares and a stallion were carrying a younger unicorn to one of the windows. The prisoner was struggling trying to free himself, without much success. "Now we'll see if gravity is a social construct!"

"That is a decontextualized..." the window shattered "...overly simplified straw pony representation of AAAAAAAAAAAH..."

Shining Armor gaped. "They killed him! Princess, we need to stop this madness, we... Why are you smiling?"

"You worry too much. We have unicorns and pegasi on catching duty. This year is shaping up as being particularly peaceful." The princess was practically glowing with pride as she looked at the howling ponies going to get another of the captives.

He looked at the 'Pataphyisicists carrying around a tightly roped life size pony doll to a bonfire they were somehow trying to summon by describing it. "Your highness, I hate to state the obvious, but they tried to kill somepony."

"And they endured an hour more than last time before doing it. To be honest, I suspect that is why Luna didn't participate this year. She pouted a lot when she discovered that I prohibited the use of weapons, and complained that I took all the fun out of it."

"Weapons?"

"It was necessary. Did you know that the crossbow was invented specifically for the Symposium 730 years ago? It should have put to rest a long dispute between arcanists and mechanichists."

Shining Armor thought about his military history lessons. “Did it solve it?”

“No, it escalated the situation. We lost the Rose Hall. I still regret my foalish decision to host it there, it was an architectural wonder.” Celestia stared off into the distance for a few moments before sighing. “At least it helped to resolve the stand-off with the Griffin Warlords. And I learned a valuable lesson about research grant approval.”

A charge from the pragmatists dispersed the last core of solipsists, their attempts to disbelieve their rivals out of existence meeting with bitter failure. It wouldn't last; the victorious ponies were deep in enemy territory.

"With all due respect, I don't see any rhyme or reason in... this." Shining Armor waved his hoof at the chaos in the large room, a hysterical note starting to creep in his voice.

"It's the same reason we have two space programs."

"We have a space program?"

"We need to employ in some way all the too brilliant for their own good ponies with a penchant for making things that explode. I have a surprising number of subjects with talent in that field."

"I... see?"

"We have two space programs because two of the most intelligent ponies alive can't stand each other. It is frustrating, and considering their talents, it is excessively dangerous having anything less than our reign between them. You have no idea what two liquid rocket fuel scientists can do with a well-stocked kitchen."

Shining Armor witnessed supporters of historical inevitability gather, form a spearhead and disgregate in warring factions in the space of minutes. Frustration was elbowing hysteria for the place of most prominent feeling. "Please pardon me, but no, I don't understand it."

"The ponies here are among the smartest of their generation. And for some of them, that comes with an ego to match. This..."

A old mare ran past them, directed at grouping of nihilists. They weren't really doing anything, but that didn't seem to discourage the mare from charging, a bit slowly but with admirable determination, screaming, "Things are against us!"

"...is a cathartic experience. In the coming ten years winners will gloat and try to strengthen their position, while losers will rework their arguments, convinced that their defeat stems from weak premises. All this while nopony will stab anypony else, all of them waiting for the next Symposium to let their anger and frustration out."

"But the danger..." Shining Armor fell silent, noticing for the first time the faint aura around the princess's horn. He looked again at the battle, seeing for the first time the subtle adjustments that guided the ebb and flow. Chairs deviated slightly from their trajectory, missing the skulls that were their original target. Ponies didn't fall as hard as one expected from somepony launched across a room. The fire didn't propagate as furiously as it should, strangely content with consuming the remains of the banner and a few curtains instead of turning the academic papers strewn across the floor of the room into a raging inferno.

Princess Celestia smiled. "Yes, we will have an interesting decade."

Author's Note

Written for a Write-off, go join it if you are not already there, it's really fun.

This has been edited by Titanium Dragon, he helped me a lot in putting this in a publishable shape.