Rage Review: Scootaloo's New Life
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Rage Review: Scootaloo's New Life

We’ve got a two reviewer Rage Review for you today. I’m your host Raylan, with me is Shrinky Frod and the fic we are reviewing is:

Scootaloo's New Life currently with a rating of 157 to 84, so not quite 2:1.

Before we get into this literary masterpiece, let’s take a moment to take a look at what we’re in for.

Nice cover art, decent rating… terrible grammar and tendency towards typos in the long description, but that’s sadly nothing all that new… Raylan, why are we here? This looks like a bog standard Scootadopt fic with a dash of grape flavoring added in for that certain je ne sais quoi.

You’re right, if this was a mere standard Scootadopt with some bad grammar I would have reviewed it myself, slapped a 40 or 50% tag on it and walked away. I fear that the story is so rife with flaws, spread across the continuum of possible flaws that I alone am insufficient for the task of rage-ing this.

Oh come now, what makes you think -

Contains: Twidash, Scootadoption, Scootabelle, and cuteness overload.

NOTE: This is a Twidash and a Scootadoption fanfic. and that Twilight and Rainbow are married to eachother and live together. Please also note something serious happens to Scootaloo in ch 5, something totally unexpected and tragic.

Oh. Oh dear. Why did I volunteer to do this again?

I don’t know. But there’s no backing out now. ONCE MORE INTO THE BREACH!

Chapter 1

The story starts out as a pretty standard Scootadopt. The CMC want to have a sleepover and Scootaloo doesn’t want it to be at her house..blah blah blah

Here’s some dialogue from the very first scene.

"Look i'm not prepare to have a sleepover at my place."

"Scoots your okay?"

If we sit here and point out every typo this thing has we’ll never get this done. Can we agree that it needs a team of editors?

It had a team of editors, remember? The author thanked them quite happily in the description. This thing needs an extended vacation at Grammar Buchenwald. But before we move on, I’d just like to take a moment to allow the full horror of what we’re looking at to sink in. You really did stop just before the best line of that little exchange:

"What's wrong? You chicken?"

"Look i'm not prepare to have a sleepover at my place."

"Scoots your okay?"

"I need time. let me go home. *SIgh*"

That’s right. Give that another read. Suffer as we have suffered.

I thought the point of this was to spare our readers the agony we endure?

I am sparing them! You’ve read the rest of this chapter, you know what it’s like. So, back to the atrocious dialogue.

You can’t tell who’s talking from one line to the next. The writing is totally wrong for each character (I’m assuming it’s Apple Bloom who called Scoots chicken, but from the way it’s written, this whole exchange is between Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. But the real icing on the cake (or corn in this pile, you pick) is the “*Sigh*.”

And best of all? The very next line says that Scootaloo sighed and started on her way home.

Author? That means that you don’t need to include the sigh in the dialogue tag. Most importantly, unless Scootaloo is actually saying “sigh”, you do not include it in the dialogue proper! Pro tip. You’re writing a story, not an ERP session. Not only does this mean that you’re supposed to write in long-form prose, but it means you can type with both hands!

Ha!

Anyways, terrible dialogue or not, this spurs Apple Bloom and Sweetie to go find Twilight and Rainbow, who are conveniently married.

Why the hell wouldn’t they tell Applejack and Rarity, who are, y’know, their actual sisters!?

Because they would probably realize that there are any of a thousand reasons to not want the CMC’s sleeping over at your place… and, given Scootaloo’s a pegasus, the most likely one (if Scootaloo were to actually give a reasonable excuse intended to deflect outside attention) would be that… she’s a pegasus. Sleepovers are not generally pleasant when your guests are constantly falling through the floors

And yes, I know, cloud-walking spell and all that. But at least then you’ve had Scootaloo - a practiced liar about this sort of thing - give a reasonable excuse and have to flop-sweat when it doesn’t work, rather than practically breaking under the slightest pressure.

Besides. This isn’t a Rarijack fic, this is a Twidash fic! The starring couple gets first dibs on all opportunities to demonstrate how astoundingly wonderful they are.

Yep, that’s probably why.

So what’s the reaction when our astoundingly wonderful couple learn that Scootaloo is acting strangely?

They all had a conceded face

What the fuck is a conceded face?

I think it’s the expression you get when you realize that life is a futile struggle against forces beyond your comprehension. I’m making one right now.

Twilight and Rainbow instantly find her and realize she’s an orphan etc etc.

Twilight and Rainbow felt very bad for Scootaloo

I officially pronounce this as the most tell-y line in all of fanfiction’s sordid history of tell don’t show.

Careful. You’re coming dangerously close to declaring that it can’t get any worse, and we’ve still got… merciful Christ, we’ve got another 12 chapters of this to go. And that’s if the author doesn’t decide to come work on it more.

Here’s how the chapter ends.

Twilight was now thinking hard, she was deciding if adopting Scootaloo was an option and becoming her mother, and Dash becoming her sister in law

Terrible foreshadowing aside, if you’re married and you adopt someone your spouse doesn’t become your child's sibling, they become that child's parent! I mean what the actual fuck! Did any thought at all go into anything in this chapter? Seriously, I want to know.

This chapter? Probably not. I think all the thought went into chapters 5 and beyond. Sadly, I suspect we will eventually look back on these thoughtless chapters and long to have them back. Of course, pronouns can also be problematic, as the passage above points out. Is Twi thinking that Dash will become Scootaloo’s sister in law - rather stupid? Or… is Twi thinking that Dash, as Scootaloo’s unofficial big sister, would become her sister in law, as well as wife?

Because if she is, this story’s kinkier than I thought. Which is something I should not EVER be saying while reading an E-rated story!

But I’d like to go back for a moment here. I know that we’re supposed to be feeling bad for Scootaloo, but that’s one of the problems with a lot of these Scootadopt fics. They can’t just have Scootaloo be an orphan, or homeless - they need her to be tragically orphaned and homeless! Never mind the fact that it’s pretty tragic all on its own, they’ve got to heap some extra trauma in there. And so we have our author’s attempt to do so:

Scootaloo sighed and she went on her way to go home. Scootaloo didn't want anyone to know the tragedy she went through when all her family members past away, leaving her brother to go to jail.

So, apparently, Scootaloo’s brother’s corpse is rotting in a jail cell somewhere. Since, y’know, brothers are usually considered family members. But no, that’s not really what makes it awful. The backstory for Scootaloo here is almost comically overblown. Her parents die in a flying accident, her mother living just long enough to send her one final letter declaring her love. Her brother is sent to prison for being a paid assassin for organized crime. Her sister is killed by a rapist.Seriously, we’re reaching the point where Dickens is saying you’ve done enough! Especially since I sincerely doubt that any of this is going to end up mattering in the end. If I turn out to be wrong, and the brother comes back, I will be pleasantly shocked.

Almost comically overblown? I’d say it’s full on 100 % grade A certified comically overblown. Dead parents are par for the course in these things, fine. But the sister being raped to death and a brother who’s a hitman for the mob, that’s just piling on, which would be fine if this was a troll fic, but I’m pretty sure we’re meant to take this seriously.

And don’t forget folks - this is your E-rated story involving brothers who are in prison for being mob hitmen and sisters who are raped to death.

You know, for kids!

For kids indeed.

Chapter 2

Since the day they found Scootaloo in the abandoned house, Twilight and Rainbow Dash began to worry that she might get sent to an orphanage in Canterlot, or even worse, Cloudsdale.

Because everyone knows that the Cloudsdale orphanage is the worst one.

Well, do you want to see this guy -

as a pegasus skipping from cloud to cloud with a little filly or colt in tow?

…

Actually, scratch that. I totally want to see that.

Me too.

So our heroes call in Celestia who apparently decides everything that happens in Equestria. Did anyone really think she’d let Scootaloo get sent to an orphanage? Of course not!

"I'm giving you the authority and the obligated right to have custody of Scootaloo.

“Obligated right” is the kind of phrase idiots use when they want to sound official but don’t know what words mean and are too lazy to look anything up.

Especially since it’s basically contradictory. Do we know for sure if MaskedPony is a native English speaker? It might explain some of this.

It’s written in English, (sort of), that’s how I’m judging it.

Fair enough. But still, just in case, a helpful suggestion!

“Duty and privilege.”

It gets across that this is something serious (a duty), and yet that should bring joy (a privilege) should they choose to accept it. And it doesn’t make you look like you’re vomiting up a legal dictionary.

Though what did crop up was one of my pet peeves. I know we said we wouldn’t address every typo, but I cannot let this stand.

“We could of helped you."

From Princess Ce-fucking-lestia! When the Grammar SS come to your town, this gets you tied to the wheels of the train taking you off to the camps. It’s could HAVE, people! Could HAVE, should HAVE, would HAVE! Gott in himmel, the scheiße I put up with.

Scootaloo is, of course, happy with this

Even though she has to live with a married fillyfooler couple,

This fic is simultaneously really endorsing of and really condemning of same sex marriage and adoption, it’s odd. On one hand the fact that Twilight and Dash are “filly foolers” is mentioned ad-fucking-naseum, and always in a way that implies that other ponies might have a problem with it, but on the other hand no pony ever does. I feel like he author is loudly proclaiming “Look how okay I am with same sex marriage even though it’s totally wrong! But I’m okay with it so yay me!” (While working on this review the Supreme Court ruled gay marriage as legal in all fifty states)

(Yay! Even a stopped clock, and all that….)

What’s more, and arguably worse, is that the way this is written it’s coming from Scootaloo’s head that way! “Yay, I get to live with my idol and the pony who’s busted her tail making my life better! Sure, okay, they’re lesbians, but nopony’s perfect! Hooray!”

"Th....thank you. Thank you, Twilight....er I mean Mom." Scootaloo cried with glee.

Ah yes, a staple of all bad Scootadopts, the instant use of “Mom” (Or Dad I suppose, but since a member of the mane six is doing the adopting most of the time…). There’s no buildup, no Scootaloo wrestling with the likely to be overwhelming emotions of perhaps having a family. Nope, one moment it’s Twilight, the next it’s Mom. Yay? Also “cried with glee?”

It goes along with the laughing in agony that I’m doing, so I’ll let it slide.

There’s an adoption party...and Diamond Tiara is invited.

This is going to end well, right?

Like inviting a porcupine to the Equestrian Hug and Snuggle Fest!

Diamond Tiara insults and then assaults Scootaloo, and also Twilight

Ignoring the fact that DT is a spoiled brat, not a rage fueled monster..no, I’m not going to ignore that. DT is a brat, she’s manipulative and biting, her insults are subtle, not crap like this:

"Why don't you shut up egghead. Go crash into a building Rainbow Trash."

Remember Twilight Time? How Diamond Tiara was willing to do all sorts of wonderful things for the CMC’s to hang out with Princess Twilight? Yeah.

Now, yes, that episode did air just over a month after this chapter was published - just after Chapter 5 was published, point of fact - but remember. She’s talking to the same pony who’d be getting that sort of fawning if this were really Diamond Tiara, and not her eviler twin, Zirconia Crownthingy. You can tell them apart because Zirconia has the goatee.

Of course DT doesn’t stop with afterschool special variety insults.

She then punched Twilight’s stomach knocking her down

And that’s when Scootaloo gets her cutie mark because she informs the assembled crowd that assaulting a princess carries a harsher sentence than assaulting a normal pony.

So it’s gotta be a scooter right? Or maybe a butterfly because that’s g3’s cutie mark?

Or maybe a pigeon sitting on a stool? By the way, are we just going to ignore that a child just one-shotted an alicorn princess?

Nopony in the story seems to care, why should we?

Point, yours. Just thought I’d mention that apparently Diamond Tiara is more powerful than Tirek. So, what was that cutie mark after all?

It’s a “Golden Scale” because when the cops come to arrest Diamond Tiara Scootaloo informs everyone of the nuances of the Equestrian penal code, wherein attacking a princess carries a harsher sentence.

Pigeon on a stool would have been better.

Suddenly something clicked in Twilight’s head. "It's a law cutie mark, The Scale of Justice. It symbolizes that you're one with the law and that you will do anything you can until Justice is served."

Scootaloo is one with the law? Is she Judge Dredd? Because that would honestly turn this whole fic around.

Youtube Video

I vote we team up and write that story instead of continuing this review. We can cast Rainbow Dash as the aged Chief Judge. All in favor? Anybody?

Shoot.

Awesomely terrible movies aside, I need to point out that this is not how cutie marks work, at all!

They don’t bestow magical powers, (in this case a perfect recall of the Equestrian Legal system), they are a recognition of what a pony is already good at. Does anyone anywhere have any evidence (see what I did there?) to suggest that Scootaloo is some sort of legal savant? No? THEN BULLSHIT!

Well, I suppose Scootaloo could have spent the last night boning up on all the sweet new “heir to an Equestrian throne” perks she has now that she’s officially a Princess’ daughter, but I don’t think that’s where the author wants our minds going. Though I’ll give this fic one thing - because of it, I now have the idea for an entirely new genre - SCOOTALAWYER!

...

Well, at least the crickets liked it.

I also feel like pointing out that in the span of one chapter Scootaloo has gone from an orphaned blank flank, to a filly with a family and a cutie mark. At this rate she’ll be a princess by chapter 4.

Well, this is Scootaloo, after all. With her tragic backstory, she deserves to be the Alicorn of Awesomeness!

The trial

One thing we haven’t talked about is the frequency of sub chapter headings this piece of shit uses. Almost every time there is a scene shift the author kindly tells us so with a non page breaked header. Except sometimes there isn’t one so the terrible format isn’t consistent which just serves to make it that much more disorienting.

DT goes on trial for the assault she committed at the party.

I can’t talk about the trial scene, it reads like someone who watched half an episode of Law & Order and then declared themselves a legal expert. The whole thing is a hodgepodge of misapplied legal terms and bullshit. Is there anything you really want to say about it?

Gimme a second here, let me just….

Heh… hehehehe…

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, where’s the comedy tag on this? I’m on this group for some of my non-MLP work, made up of various professionals and experts who offer up free “how not to look like a moron” advice to people trying to write mysteries and legal thrillers.

This scene is one whiff of cordite away from being a textbook example of everything not to do. Ah, man, I needed that. And I really like how Scootaloo’s sweating over the verdict, just like Twilight was sweating over what Celestia would do with Scootaloo earlier. What’s wrong with this, class?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE IS A FRICKIN’ PRINCESS HERSELF! For crying out loud, that’s a major part of the plot here, such as it is! Twi could have pulled out a stamp that said “My Robin, no touchie! That means you, Batmare!” and the adoption would’ve been done like that. No explaining it to Celestia. No Celestia convincing “friends” to put the adoption through. None of that. And it’s the same crap here - they live in an absolute monarchy! Well… quadrarchy now, technically, but still. Rank hath its privileges, that’s all I’m sayin’!

DT is sentenced to juvenile detention, misspelled frequently as juvy, and never heard from again. Then, for some reason, Rainbow Dash helps Scootaloo with math homework.

"Subtraction is the opposite of addition. Division is the opposite of Multiplication."

“What?” Scootaloo gave Rainbow a puzzled look.

"Heres a clue. Let use 9x9 for example. 9 times 9 is 81. now lets reverse it to 81 divided by 9."

Scootaloo suddenly realized it. She felt stupid. “Oh! It’s like multiplying, but with the answer to the multiplication problem is in the problem itself."

I don’t know if I can go on. I mean...just...yes multiplication is the functional opposite of division, but to believe that Scootaloo understands multiplication perfectly but has no clue about division, and that Cheerilee didn’t try pointing out this incredibly obvious fact is just the turd cherry on top of the shit sundae that is this chapter. Is it chapter 3 time yet?

Oh no. No, because we have a scene where Cheerilee herself gets to see that, now that she has a family, Scootaloo is the model student! Not even wanting to celebrate her cutie mark, which we’ve seen is something that routinely happens in their class!

I vote we check for Changeling!Scootaloo. It’s the only explanation for all of this that makes any sense.

I have a different theory. This story is about a bunch of OC’s who all have the same names as the ponies we know, but are actually completely different individuals, this explains why none of them act anything like we might expect.

But… but with my method, we get to spray the characters of this story with bug killer to see if they melt like pod ponies. :(

Oh, and apparently nopony knew about Diamond Tiara getting hauled off to court and from there to juvie, despite this all having happened in front of numerous witnesses. I guess being royalty does have privileges after all, because it seems like DT just got renditioned!

That’d make for a good subplot to go with our Dreddaloo fic.

Oooh… Dreddaloo waterboarding DiamondClone. That has potential! Okay, I’ll put the bug killer away. For now.

Chapter 3

Hey reader, were you wondering how Rainbow and Twilight got together in this universe? Wonder no more. (What’s coming is a long block quote, because summarizing it just doesn’t do it justice)

Oh, goodie! Story time! *pulls up a stool and sits down, resting my head on my hooves - see, authors, you can do this when it’s NOT long form prose!*

I went up to the library, I talked to Twilight privately, and told her about my crush on her. She called me weird and turned me down. I felt my heart break. I said to her, "H....how could you Twi you.....you-." I ran out of the library and slammed the door shut. I was outside, crying, crying my head off. My heart was shattered that day."

I know we were going for a lengthy blockquote here, and I’ma let you finish, but this is the most tired, cliche, weak-ass bullshit EVER!

Sadly that is not hyperbole.

Cadence then had a tear in her eye hearing what happened. Twilight even remembered that dreadful day, She felt guilty when it happen. Scootaloo was tearing up at the story.

"I was crying so badly that I gave up and decided to disappear, leave town. I made myself believe miracles never happen. However, As i was about to disappear I heard sobbing. I turned and saw Twilight. Twilight came to me. She saw the tears in my eyes. She really felt guilty for breaking my heart.

She led me to the library, and bought me to her bedroom. She felt so sorry she decided to hug me until I stopped crying. She kept saying to me, "Please don't cry Rainbow. Please, I...I didn't mean to break your heart." She was shedding tears for what she did and how she made me feel. She felt like she broke my hopes, my heart, and our friendship. I then, confessed to Twilight that I'm a fillyfooler. She was crying really badly I was as well, not only due to the pain she caused earlier, but how it was hurting her."

Now shining had tears in his eyes. It was really touching him.

"We were crying together for a while. Twilight felt so much pain, She never wanted to have this happen again. When we calmed down, Twilight gave me a kiss. She felt so sorry for causing this, she decided to take me on dates. She felt like she needed to do something to cheer me up after that dreadful heartbreaking day. We went on many dates, Twilight hoping it would make me feel better. Many dates later, me and her fell in love. We became marefriends. She admitted she never felt this way with a mare, but she admitted that she started to have feelings and started to love me after the incident, but she also promised to do this to make me feel better. She invited me to her place for a sleepover, She took me to see movies, heck she even helped me buy my own set of daring do books.

Gaze upon the above and despair, for all hope is lost.

Actually, there’s one shred of hope left. The author hasn’t written it as a full fic of its own yet.

For one, Twilight and Rainbow are already married, so wouldn’t Twilight’s family have heard this story before? For another thing, this is the worst love story since Sid and Nancy.

I don’t know. We do still have to contend with the fact that it exists in a post-Fifty Shades world. This one had less stalking, though it did exchange it for emotional blackmail. But it’s also not three books long.

At best this seems like a pyrrhic victory for the above text

Recap, if you make someone feel sorry for you, they’ll go out with you, even though they may not share your sexuality. Great life advice there. We could talk all day long about how this is in no way a realistic portrayal of any sort of relationship that has ever happened in the history of human or pony kind, but we’ve still got another nine chapters to get through.

Chapter 4

Nothing happens in chapter 4. It’s the literary equivalent of gruel, just bland, tasteless and lacking nutritional value. It suffers from the same bad writing as the other chapters, but not in any meaningful way.

Can I just take a moment to mention that the author is childishly prudish in many respects? Twilight and Rainbow are worried about traumatizing Scootaloo by snuggling together! Something they don’t seem to have been worried about doing to Spike, for some reason. Seriously, the way they talk to each other - and other adults - about their snuggling is like “snuggling” is their euphemism for lesbian sex.

Yeah, Twilight and Rainbow “make out” A LOT. There’s lots of poorly written kissing scenes, but never any mention of actual sex, which seems odd. It’s as though the author thinks that married couples just kiss a lot?

Oh, and the author has added a new sin to the bad writing from before; constantly telling us the same exact shit over and over again. If you want an exercise in tedium, this is the chapter for you. Particularly the scene with Spitfire, which is utterly meaningless beyond telling us that Spits is dating Soarin. I understand filler, and why sometimes you might need some if you’re posting on a schedule but can’t quite figure out what to do next, but there’s a difference between “a day in the life” filler and “let’s restate everything we’ve spent the last couple of chapters going over in excruciating detail, just to prove that the agony could have been briefer if we’d wanted it to be.”

Chapter 5

Remember how in the intro we learned that

“ something serious happens to Scootaloo in ch 5, something totally unexpected and tragic”?

Well this is chapter 5. I...can’t. Do you want to guide us through this particular shit storm?

Technically, it’s not a shit storm. It’s number one, not number two. But by all means, allow me to be your guide into the horrors that this story has in store for us.

Thanks to Lokistuff!

Now, we’ve got plenty of room for tragedy and trauma here. Rainbow Dash gets wing cancer. Scootaloo’s brother escapes and is massively homophobic. Whoever took out her sister comes back for her. Filthy Rich decides to embark upon a campaign of economic terrorism for his little girl being sent to Guantanamo. There are all manner of ways that this could turn tragic, sad, and generally dark, right?

Yep, all those would be dark and tragic. Or if we consider the classical definition of tragedy maybe Scootaloo learns to fly but crashes into Sweetie Belle thus killing her? Or perhaps years of living by herself have made Scootaloo nervous at night so when she hears someone downstairs she attacks them, not realizing it was just Twilight, and then because the penalty for assaulting royalty is instant rendition she is renditioned to the same black site as Diamond.

Ooh, nice one. I’ll admit, that one had slipped my mind! Of course, that’s when you start getting into the classical definition of tragedy. In the interests of milking this a little bit longer, and educating those writers who are thinking of taking on the task, the Professor shall lecture.

Just pretend I look this good doing it.

Tragic turns to a tale are something you have to be careful with. You have two different ways you can go with it; you can go the Shakespearean tragic route, wherein the flaws of the character bring about the destruction of all they hold dear, of you can go the O. Henry route, wherein cruel fate brings about an ironic twist whether ‘tis deserved or not. Most of the tragedies we mentioned above? Some form of Shakespearean twist, or a close cousin, what I like to call the noir twist.

There’s a problem though. Telling a good tragedy in the Shakespearean or noir model is typically a matter of careful build up; the audience knows that the story can’t have a happy ending, but they see all the places where it could if only somebody zigged instead of zagging.

Instead, since this story has apparently been set up around giving Scootaloo a happy ending from word one, we’re pretty well locked in to the O. Henry model of tragedy. In this model, everything seems to be going in the protagonist’s favor until some horrible discovery or turn of fortune ruins everything. Typically, the better things are going, the worse they’ll turn out in the end.

This is where the dedicated student of tragedy starts to break out in a cold sweat, realizing that Scootaloo has gone from making Oliver Twist look like he had it easy to literally being royalty in the space of a few days. That’s gonna have to be one Hell of a tragedy to ruin all that good fortune!

I'm sorry to say this, but you're daughter has urinary incontinence. She may have to wear diapers for medical reasons due to this. Again, i'm sorry."

I’m… I’m trying to be kind. It… it seems that the author… has decided to try and forge a third path. A new form of tragedy. Not the O Henry twist, nor the Shakespearean tragedy, but instead some sort of… what would the word for this even be?

One moment, I must confer with a fellow scholar on the topic. And a large, large bottle.

After conferring with my colleague, I have determined that I am not nearly drunk enough for this shit. We have also decided to title this the Narmic Tragedy. When the universe is simply sick of you being happy, but not so upset that it wants to put any particular thought into how it’s going to fuck with you.

Narmic tragedy, I like it. Someone edit the TV tropes page. And though it is probably self explanatory given the name, I’m assuming that part of the putting no thought into how it’s going to fuck with you is that it does so in a manner that’s an attempt to be emotional but is really just stupid?

Stupid is such a harsh word. I’m going to go with the far more accurate asinine. Oh, and how did this tragic event happen?

Scooter accident. Scootaloo literally lands too hard on her scooter, somehow magically damages the nerves that handle bladder control, and it’s Pampers for life. Because of course Equestria, being a world with advanced magic and people who don’t wear clothes, hasn’t bothered to develop any other sort of garment for these things.

I know one shouldn’t read fanfiction for medically accurate..well anything really. And yes this is a world inhabited by magical flying ponies, but FUCK! BLUNT FORCE TRAUMA WOULD NOT CAUSE INCONTINENCE, WITHOUT ALSO CAUSING PARALYSIS. It’s just...how is Scootaloo totally okay except for the diapers? I don’t think I’m asking too much for the tiniest little bit of actual cause and effect logic here.

I’m going to have a related rant later, but for now… fuck it. Authors? At least have the good sense to make your central premise make some sort of sense. It wouldn’t even be hard! Given Scootaloo’s lack of recent care, she could have easily had some sort of undiagnosed UTI that caused this. Recognized when she goes in for a checkup because she’s been hiding her discomfort leading up to the discovery. Boom, done! And it would make frickin’ sense.

Raylan? Back to you. Go ahead and get them started on Chapter 6 while I go reconsider certain life choices I’ve made.

Chapter 6

It seems as though the first five chapters functioned as sort of a setup for the rest of this dredge. Scootaloo now has a family (and diapers), Diamond Tiara is gone, it’s smooth sailing from here. Yay? Nope, not yay.

Stories thrive on conflict, and this story has pretty much eliminated any natural source of possible conflict it could reasonable hope to mine. Twilight and Dash? A perfectly in love happy couple. Scootaloo, diapers aside, a perfect little filly. Diamond Tiara, renditioned to a black site never to been seen again.

A good author might peel back some of these layers and perhaps challenge the setup. But no, instead we get a random collection of events.

Scootaloo likes Sweetie Belle.

Okay, so this could work. Young love, filled with uncertainty and possible heartbreak. Certainly some fertile ground for a story there.

Sweetie belle looked at Scoots. "Scootaloo, I think it's time I told you," she said.

"Yes?"

"I.....I have feelings for you too."

Okay so we’re not getting the “will they/won’t they” drama of young love. But they’re filly foolers, so maybe they’ll have to deal with intolerance.

It would make perfect sense, considering Scootaloo’s own reaction to being adopted by a pair of them.

Here’s all the reactions to the happy couple’s announcement.

"I'm so proud of you, sweetie pie," Twilight gleed.

"I am proud for you too," Dash ruffled Scoots’ mane.

Well, okay, but they’re two married mares, you have to expect that-

"You’re fillyfriends with Sweetie Belle? Thats so neat." (Pinkie)

One of their best friends, and one of the most accepting at-

"Thats awesome." (Apple Bloom)

"That's amazing," Cheerilee said, her smile growing warmer.

The whole class were congratulating the two for the news.

Oh for fuck’s sake! It’s one thing when it’s a cutie mark, a life changing event, but this is a freakin’ foalhood crush! Did the whole class celebrate when Diamond Tiara finished brainwashing Silver Spoon too? Maybe Featherweight’s cutie mark was because he finally stallioned up and asked a pony out, and THAT’S what they were really celebrating!

Everyone has to celebrate, or else there would be conflict, and that apparently cannot stand.

But y’know what? That’s not the only problem with this chapter. Here’s what happens when Twilight and Scootaloo hang out together. (Oh Twilight puts on a diaper because...reasons.)

Because in their efforts to help Scootaloo get used to being different, she and Rainbow have promised to wear them any time she wants. You know, because nothing helps a pony adjust to being different than living in a little microcosm wherein everypony else bows to their whims and differences. But let’s see what they do while hanging out.

Hey, do you want to do a butt bump?" Twilight asked.

"Anything."

The two got up and then got to a certain limit so their flanks can collide. When they were ready, Twilight looked at Scootaloo. "One."

"Two."

"Three."

"BUTT BUMP!" they both said.

At that moment, their butts bumped each other causing their diapers to crinkle. They giggled. They did it a second time and they laughed. The third time, they laughed and fell to the floor, giggling up a storm.

HAHAHAHA THIS MAKES SENSE ON EVERY LEVEL. THIS FIC IS A MASTER CLASS IN HUMOR! THE AUTHOR IS BRILLIANT AND ALL HIS IDEAS ARE GREAT!

Okay, my doctor has given me some meds to cure the insanity this fic has triggered. I’m okay now. I think...it’s hard to say.

Don’t worry, I’m on standby to adjust the dosage as necessary. I promise to try not shooting you in the rump with the darts so often though. Mostly.

For some reason Twilight and Scootaloo decide to “prank” Spike.

Spike came into Scootaloo's bedroom. As he did, Twilight closed the door behind him. Just then she turned to Spikes dress, and cast the spell on it so Spike can't take it off. She even pulled out a diaper and did the same thing. She then turned to Spike and grabbed him with her magic. Next thing that happened was the diaper floated under him and Twilight began to put it on him. Next she put the dress on him. After that, she put Spike on the ground.

I put prank in quotation marks because a prank is a joke that contains a moment of relief at the end, wherein the target realizes that the thing they thought was happening, didn’t really happen. This isn’t a prank, it’s just cruel.

At least she didn’t put him outside like that. But now we’re getting back into “at least it’s not three books worth of this shit” territory, so let’s move along to the truly offensive parts.

Spike objects, as we might expect.

"That's really wrong, Scootaloo. I don't like it. It's so girly.That's so uncool and creepy to all levels. Even since I'm your adoptive brother, I find this creepy and inappropriate."

Wait, even since he’s her brother, it’s creepy and inappropriate?

There’s repeated misuse of the word “even” throughout this fic. Just ignore it. Bigger problems to worry about here.

I was more worried about the fact that him being her brother figure doesn’t make it LESS appropriate! Since when is this how you’re supposed to treat your brother? Criminy, I’ve been doing it wrong all these years….

So how does Twilight respond?

"NICE ONE SPIKE! That was uncalled for, apologize." Twilight demanded.

SCOOTALOO’S FEELINGS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOURS. SO IF SHE WANTS YOU TO WEAR A DRESS AND A DIAPER THEN YOU HAVE TO DO IT!

Okay but maybe, Spike learns a lesson about standing his ground. Just because you make someone upset doesn’t mean you're wrong. He expressed a valid opinion about what was happening to him, fairly maturely (given the terrible dialogue of this fic). Surely he will point out that Scootaloo can’t just make him wear a dress for her own twisted amusement, right?

Spike looked at Scootaloo. He felt sorry for what he caused. He knew that Scootaloo just wanted to have fun. He was filled with guilt. He had no choice. "I'm sorry, Scootaloo. I shouldn't have said that. Can you forgive me, sis?"

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!

Though it’s giving me another idea for a story. An unofficial sequel in which Spike, having grown up in this happy household from now on, goes on to his own dark and tragic twist fate. Becoming Equestria’s version of Ed Gein. Wait… somebody already wrote that story. Badly. Never mind.

The chapter ends with the family being invited to Canterlot to meet Princess Celestia, and also to witness the execution of Scootaloo’s brother.

Y’know, a nice fun family trip.

Wait a minute… I think something’s wrong here. And not just executions in Equestria, that’s a matter of debate. Let me flip back and… ugh… reread something here….

AH HA! I knew it! Raylan, queue up the flashback machine to Chapter 2 please.

"Scootaloo. Why....why did you hide the fact you were an orphan? Celestia inquired. “We could of helped you."

Yes, that’s when the red haze fell over me. But I remembered! Dear God, I remembered….

“I.....I didn't want anyone to know.” Scootaloo kept her gaze low.

Scootaloo then began to tell Celestia about her family. She told her that her father died in a flight accident, while her mother only made it as far as the hospital. Celestia remembered Scootaloo's father; he was a great flyer, who died by crashing into the ground too hard causing him to die.

You know, as opposed to all of those gentle crashes that cause ponies to die. And now we come to the most important part here….

Wait are we not going talk about the fact that great flyers don’t crash into the ground, that’s part of what makes them great. In fact okay flyers don’t crash into the ground.

Now I could understand if Scootaloo’s dad was an ace weather pony sent to wrangle a tornado, or a Wonderbolt who died practicing a flaming star bolt maneuver, but nope all the author tells us is he crashed. Okay, back to your point.

I’d discuss it, but Read It and Weep is canon. So, y’know, shit happens and all. Like this!

Scootaloo also mentioned the fate of her sister, whom was raped. She then mentioned her brother. Celestia was shocked to know that Scootaloo was related to, Gray Cloud, an infamous hitpony who got caught and ended up in prison for the rest of his life.

Now, I suppose that technically a death sentence is ending up in prison for the rest of his life, but that’s a Hell of a technicality!

Yep, sure is.

So not only could our author not fix the writing in here with a literal team of editors (two, thanked in the credits), not only could the author not do the research to come up with a plausible injury or life occurrence that could actually result in Scootaloo ending up needing to be in diapers for the rest of her days, but the fucking author couldn’t be arsed to keep their own tragic backstory straight?!? Bloody Hell, I’ve gone past pissed off and straight into British!

And don’t get me fecking started on how badly Rainbow Dash is written through this mess. You want to know? Do you, really?

RAINBOW DASH IS JEALOUS THAT TWILIGHT HAS A BLOODY TIARA AND SHE DOESN’T!

Scootaloo likes girly things, Silver Spoon was actually some sort of hostage to DT. DT is a rage fueled maniac. Twilight is kinda an airhead. Everypony is written terribly.

Fortunately, Scootaloo doesn’t witness her brother’s death by hanging. He sends her a letter instead, one that observes that hanging is the worst way to die. Y’know, just to make sure Scootaloo’s left with nothing but happy thoughts. However, as something of a forensics and science junkie, I can actually think of numerous more terrible ways to die!

There’s drowning, there’s live burial, there’s being encased in concrete except for airholes and being left to die of dehydration, there’s hypothermia, there’s being gutshot and left to die slowly, there’s manual strangulation, staring into the eyes of your murderer while they watch the life leave you, there’s the death of a thousand cuts, the iron maiden, the pear of anguish….

Y’know, we should probably move on to the next chapter. It’s not a good thing that this story is inspiring me in this direction.

Chapter 7

Chapter 7 is over fifteen thousand words long. If you’re reading this and you think “Hey Raylan has never done anything for me” you’re wrong. Because I’m going to spare you the agony of having to read all fifteen fucking thousand of them.

Can I skip them too?

No, you are locked into this with me. We must suffer to spare others, our cause is noble and righteous.

Damn.

They go to Canterlot. Scootaloo says goodby to her brother and also visits her parents grave. Spike gets yelled at some more by Celestia and Luna when they learn about that time in the last chapter that he tried to express an honest opinion about his right to self determination.

"I hope the dress teaches you a lesson about denying your own sister-figures' request. She just wanted to have some fun."

I cannot harp on this enough. JUST BECAUSE SCOOTALOO THOUGHT IT WAS FUN DOESN’T MAKE IT OKAY! The fundamental principle in any coherent system of morality is the right to self determination. Without getting into a philosophical argument, it is generally agreed that one has the right to determine what happens to their own body. There are instances where this isn’t quite true, the army can draft you for instance. But in this particular case Spikes sovereignty is being grossly violated for Scootaloo’s amusement, even after he expressed his discomfort. FUCK!.

My esophagus is trying to strangle my brainstem again. I… I… this is my punishment for all that blasphemy, isn’t it? No, wait, that would make the author an agent of God, and down that path lies only madness and diapers. But this isn’t the first time they did this to him either! They first diapered him - and enchanted him so that he’d piss himself if he tried to take it off - as revenge for some off-screen prank he pulled on Rainbow Dash!

Raylan? I believe that this is where we have to trot out a banner. I have to pull out my soapbox, and it’s about to get messy here.

This is not just “not okay.”They’re not just mistreating Spike. This isn’t the first time that they’ve done this! What we’re seeing here is a continuing campaign of psychological abuse, which is being sanctioned and encouraged by everypony who learns about it. What they’re doing is saying that Spike is a toy for Scootaloo - and her adopted mothers - to play with as she (they) please. They’re telling Spike that the thoughts and feelings of others don’t matter, especially not his… this is the sort of bullshit that Spike fanboys are always claiming Spike is going through.

You have made The Rise of Spike the Dragon right, author! This is a *BAD** thing!*

In my non-pony life, I’m not an expert on abnormal psychology like my OC (shocker, I know!). What I am, unlike apparently far too many pony authors, is fascinated by what makes people tick. Especially people who do terrible things. I’m fascinated by what causes the brains of otherwise apparently normal people to decide that it’s okay to treat their fellow sapient beings like objects to be played with and discarded. What makes people prone to obsessive, self-and-other-destructive behavior.

And this, author? This shit right here? Textbook example. I joked about Ed Gein earlier, but really, this isn’t an Ed Gein case. Ed Gein was raised by an abusive mother who taught him that all women were evil and sinful, including herself, and that he was also evil and sinful. This led to all sorts of fun that I won’t go into here.

Yeah, Ed Gein doesn’t really belong on an mlp website.

That’s okay, because what’s happening to Spike? This isn’t what happened to Ed Gein! This is being raised to think of himself as an object - to think of people as objects, things, toys to be played with and then punished if they complain.

This is (at least some of) what happened to Gary Ridgeway, better known as the Green River Killer. A few more varieties of abuse added in, and this becomes the story of Sheila Labarre, or Mary Bell, Britain’s youngest serial killer.

He is also being taught that because Something Bad happened to Scootaloo, his emotional well being no longer matters. That his parents love him less now. This is what has happened to several other individuals who grew up to be obsessives, latching onto a romantic interest in the desperate, vain attempt to replace the love that was taken from them as a child with the love from their new partner.

And he is being taught both of those lessons at the same time, kind of like what happened to one Jeffrey Dahmer.

Should I be worried about your encyclopedic knowledge of serial killers?

You’d be amazed how many watchlists you get added to when you start writing mystery novels on the side.

Now, why am I making such a big deal out of this? Because authors do this sort of shit to their characters thinking it is funny. That’s… that’s like writing Fifty Shades of Grey and thinking it’s a great romance. No, it’s not, it’s portraying deeply, insidiously abusive and pathological behavior that leaves fucking scars. What’s more? The behavior that follows Spike’s forced apology is even worse. I would quote it, but… you know, my blood pressure meds just don’t work that well.

This would be acceptable if this story were actually going to turn out to be about how Scootaloo’s fortune turns into Spike’s misfortune - that would actually justify the tragedy and sad tags, I might add, and if the author went that route (and wrote it well) I would probably applaud their successful bait and switch.

That would take an impressive bit of skill to pull off, one which the author clearly lacks, in spades. Can you lack something in spades? I say yes.

I’d say they lack it in clubs, diamonds, and hearts too. But if they even tried, they would earn something of an apology. They won’t though. How do I know this?

That last chapter where all this happened in the first place was actually entitled “Feelings, Bonding, and Spike Humiliation.” In other words, the whole point of the chapter is about Scootaloo bonding with her new family figures over Spike’s psychological abuse.

Family’s a wonderful thing. This one reminds me of Charles Manson’s. Raylan, back to you.

Luna and Scootaloo play video games and there is a long discussion about Neightendo’s and Xbucks and OH MY GOD NO ONE CARES!

There’s more literary gruel and then more pointless nothingness, and then more bullshit, this time about the family dressing up as rubber balls I guess…..

Scootaloo started laughing. Her mothers said something very funny. They’d made fat jokes.

Holy shit. I found a more tell-y line then the one I anointed from Chapter 1. Do you understand what you did author? You told a joke, and then explained that your characters told a joke and that it was funny. (The actual joke was something about the rubber ball costumes or something, I’m not really sure, at this point I need large amounts of cocaine to keep myself from curling into a fetal position.)

I told you that you were getting dangerously close to declaring things couldn’t get any worse. Now do you see what you’ve done?

I do. And I want to say that I can’t imagine a more tell-y line, but this experience has taught me that there are depths I cannot fathom. (Yes, that’s technically a pun)

Spike gets yelled at and forced to dance against his will (via magic), this time for daring to address Luna as Luna not Princess Luna, though Scootaloo calls her just Luna all the time in this story.

We get it author, you hate Spike and are into humilation bondege, there are chat rooms for you to hang out it instead of inflicting your fetishes on us.

Also, additional points on the Gary Ridgeway scale. If hookers start disappearing around Ponyville or Canterlot, we’ve got our first suspect to look at right here. Oh, and remember my comment about the strange prudishness they exhibit in Chapter 4, and how that probably didn’t apply to Spike? It’s proven in this chapter. So yeah, they don’t give two rips about how Spike turns out, but Scootaloo must be emotionally shielded at all costs, even the cost of renditioning a filly to Celestia knows where (I hope she does, at least!) and torturing her adoptive brother.

Scootaloo has a nightmare where she worries her new parents might abandon her.

I would say that this is actually a decent bit of character/plot development if I thought it would ever come up again.

And, considering what she’s seen happen to Spike, it’d be a legitimate bit of development too. I mean, who knows what the next foundling to come along might want to do to her, once she’s not the newest, cutest puppy in the litter anymore!

More literary gruel, this time about how Rainbow Dash likes to wear dresses. They go to see the wonderbolts and after one last spoonful of dried congealed gruel, the chapter mercifully ends.

It took me 200 words (less really) to summarize the events of a 15,000 word chapter. You’re welcome.

You people have no idea how much creepy we’ve left out of this for your benefit. Noooooo idea. But since the sins of this story are far greater than merely having the Princesses casually spying on Twilight and Rainbow whenever they feel like it, we’ll go ahead and leave that sort of stuff for other stories where it actually rates a blip on the “this is why this story is bad” meter.

Yeah, it's like the joke: you wake up, your tea is ready, your curtains are missing and your AC is broken, which problem do you deal with first? None of them, your house is on fire.

In a different fic I'd have mentioned the above things. Here? Meh.

Just in case you think we’re being too harsh. I’m just going to leave this line of dialogue for you to judge.

"No way! That was too girly of her. One, that almost caused my boyhood to turn into a girlhood. If that happened, I would of not been thinking of boy stuff, but girly things instead."

Chapter 8

By now the fic has settled into sort of a rhythm. It’s scene after scene of Scootaloo being either hugged, nuzzled or having her diaper changed. There aren’t really plot points, unless you consider Twilight hugging Scootaloo to be markedly different from Rainbow doing the same thing. That being said, chapter 8 does have some things that need to be called out.

Twilight then chuckled. "My body is warm because I used the warm snuggler spell on myself."

Holy shit on a biscuit you were right. They are changelings. Ponies wouldn’t need such a spell . As mammals they are naturally endothermic, and thus warm. But if they were bugs, and needed to pass themselves off as ponies, and need to pretend to love others ponies, whom probably want to snuggle since that is something couples do….yep they must be changelings. Or the author is an idiot.

I… I’m not sure which is more likely at this point. On the one hand, the author may very well just be that bad, but on the other hand, it would explain RD’s horrible OOC-ness if she were a Changeling who flunked acting class.

"Ah think Scootaloo would love that. Since she is yours and Twilight’s adoptive daughter," Applejack assured.

And the depths of telling continue to sink lower. Applejack just reminded the audience of the central premise of this steaming pile.

"You want more of Twilight’s Kissing Special, my cute and beautiful Dashie?"

"Yes, Twi. Bring on the kisses. Bring them on"

Worst “romantic” dialogue. Ever!

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I WILL NOT BE WEARING A FUCKING DIAPER!

Breathe buddy, we’re more than halfway there.

That was a 9,000 word chapter. Again nothing happened.

“Nothing happened,” he says. Tell that to my soul!

Nothing story wise.

Chapter 9

Well fuck, it’s another 15,000 word monstrosity. Lets see what happens this time. (That was sarcasm, Scootaloo is going to wear a diaper and get hugged.)

The differentiating factor here is that there’s going to be a sleepover.

"Will it be in my loving mothers’ room? Scootaloo gleed.

GLEED IS NOT A WORD! Using it once I can forgive, twice...I swear by all that is holy I will exact a swift and terrible vengeance on this fic, Gods will tremble in fear when they witness the destruction I have wrought…

*pfft*

Okay, thanks for the traq shot. I’m okay again.

That’s good. Because I am NOT letting you go mad and leave me alone with this thing!

Anyone want to guess the central tenet of this party is?

NOPE! It’s DIAPERS!

"OH MY GOSH, we should make this a diaper sleepover!" Pinkie exclaimed

God help me, but I have to admit that I could see Pinkie saying this. She would immediately be beaten mercilessly by everypony else but Fluttershy, but I could see her thinking this was a good way to help Scootaloo feel better.

This time Rarity objects. But we all know what happens to ponies who disagree with Scootaloo.

Off to the gulag! Though to be fair, if anypony could make a diaper fabulous, it would probably be Rarity.

This blew a fuse in Rainbow.

"WHAT THE HAY, RARITY?! YOU MADE SCOOTS CRY! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!"

Fair question. She knows what happens to ponies who disagree with Princess Scootlestia, and yet she dares incur her quivery-lipped wrath?.

Yeah, how dare Rarity, the pony who knows the most about fashion, express an opinion about what she would like to wear.

To be fair to Rainbow, Rarity did react just a bit harshly, unlike Spike. Though, to be fair to Rarity, they are deciding that this should be the party’s theme after she’s there, but without giving her the choice to opt out. But either way, all of that that would only matter if this were an actual story about ponies dealing with a friend who, due to a tragic life incident, has to wear diapers. This isn’t that story.

This… is a fetish fic. Now hear me out; I’m not one to make this accusation lightly on an E-rated fanfic. As Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. But in this case, the evidence is clear.

Exhibit A: The very fact that Scootaloo is wearing infant-style diapers at all.

This is Equestria, a world where most ponies go around naked all the time. And yet, even in our world, where people tend to wear outer clothing regardless of weather, diapers for adults are typically designed to look like something other than diapers. This is especially true of models designed primarily for urinary incontinence rather than total incontinence.

Furthermore, this is a world where a significant portion of the population does not have particularly functional manipulators, even if we go by wing-finger logic to allow pegasi to handle it. How is a single earth pony supposed to manipulate their diapers without live-in care?

All logic would indicate that Equestria would probably have something very similar to these.

I tainted my browser history, so you don’t have to.

Simple pull-on garments, mostly form-fitting or at least fashionable, with strategic padding. It’s a simple matter of pragmatism, aesthetics be damned. Sure, I’ll grant that there are undoubtedly brands out there sized for the ABDL crowd, but they would not be the standard model on the proverbial shelves.

Yeah, nothing sexy about pragmatism.

I’ve got two words for you: Bear Grylls.

Moving on!

Exhibit B: The Author’s Avatar

‘Nuff said.

That thing haunts my dreams. It is the face staring at me from the within the depths of the black abyss.

The face isn’t so bad. It’s the other end that makes me shiver.

Exhibit C: In-Story Attitudes

For all that the description said that Chapter 5 would include a twist that was “totally unexpected and tragic,” very little in the story implies that this is seen as particularly tragic. In a scene we left out, Twilight reminisces fondly about the super-comfy diapers she wore while Celestia’s student. As seen here, everypony but Rarity has no problem with wearing them - Pinkie doesn’t even suggest it to make Scootaloo feel better, she just suggests it for funsies! There’s no awkwardness at all about Scootaloo wearing them, just other ponies happy to do so as well to join along with her. The only ponies who do are clearly the designated villains.

Exhibit D: The Author’s Attitude and Other Work

This is perhaps a little controversial to point out, but 25% of the author’s other works clearly include diapers on one level or another, oftentimes explicitly as fetishes and other times through the incontinence excuse. Spike’s very measured response to Scootaloo is characterized as Spike “misbehaving” by the author.

What’s more, there’s the gross mislabelling of this story.

This story was actively mislabelled to disguise the fact that it’s going to focus heavily on Scootaloo’s new diaper-bound lifestyle. It’s set up with warnings that make it look like bog standard Scootadopt with Twidash flavoring. It’s E-rated. And the “tragic and unexpected” twist is a minor hiccup in the circus of fun that is Scootaloo’s post-adoption life. This mislabelling is why I, at least, am harping so badly on this stuff instead of just going “not my kink” and moving along, like I normally do for fics about things that are supposed to turn my crank but instead grind my gears.

And finally, we have the smoking gun….

Exhibit E:

In my not-inconsiderable experience within various kink communities, I have found that two particular types of kinksters have the apparent conviction that they’ve got the right to involve others in their kink whether they like it or not. These are foot fetishists, and diaper fetishists. This is not merely an observation of my own, but one that has been made by others within both communities!

Somebody who’s into bondage isn’t likely to walk up to a stranger at a party and ask to be whipped, unless of course it’s that kind of party and everybody knows that those at the party are all into the lifestyle already. And safe, but that’s another issue.

By contrast, I’ve seen people walk up to complete strangers at unrelated social gatherings and ask to be changed. And then get upset when they’re refused. It’s… really quite odd.

And yet, we see this precise same behavior happening throughout this. Scootaloo is changed regularly by one mother or the other - shouldn’t she be trying to handle that herself, if this is something she doesn’t want a big deal made out of? Spike’s humiliation has already been covered in depth. Oh, and for those who doubt this is a diaper fetish fic? There’s no denying that it’s a humiliation fetish fic on top of it. Want proof of that? Just keep reading.

Back to you, story!

The mane six and the CMC followed Twilight and went behind the library. As they approached the building, they were surprised. It looked like a hotel, but was named "Mane six and CMC private funhouse".

I’ve lost all sense of feeling. I’m numb. The mane six is a shorthand used by bronies, it is not something any pony would ever use.

Note that M.A. Larson realized this and had the sense not to use the phrase in Slice of Life, even when all the background ponies were watching them discuss some mystery topic and wondering what was up.

There’s a lot of Twilight, Rainbow and Scootaloo wearing dresses..again it’s just boring filler crap. “Gleed” is used again and I don’t care. Rainbow gives Twilight a feather, which is said to be a big deal but since they are already married, I don’t see how they can get more married.

Like this?

This is already a multiple fetish fic, what’s the harm of adding another to the pile.

Twilight and Rainbow win the lottery.

You know, I was starting to think there was a little too much conflict in this story. I mean, Twilight actually frowned at Scootaloo after Scootaloo used her as a circus balancing ball for over an hour after Twilight asked her to stop!

Here’s where you can really tell that the author has run out of shit to have happen and is just pulling things out of his ass or a hat. An asshat maybe?

Scootaloo has another nightmare, Twilight makes her a sleeping potion.

I guess it’s nice to see that this particular bit of plot recurring, but again it really only serves as an excuse for more cuddles.

We then get another bit of humiliation, because this is indeed a fetish fic, disguised as a scootadopt.

As an aside, somebody just posted Disney’s The Skeleton Dance short to my Facebook timeline. I am literally crying tears of gratitude for something entertaining to look at for a moment.

If you want me to make out, you got to repeat everything I tell you to repeat. If you do..." Twilight giggled a little and then continued. "I'll make out with you."

"Deal."

"Okay, repeat this: I'm Twilight’s girly mare."

Rainbow began to blush; she was trying to make her feel girly. "I'm Twilight’s girly mare."

"Good. Now repeat this: I'm a pretty girly mare."

"I'm a pretty girly mare."

I feel dirty. This is a g-rated version of “Say I’m a naughty little slut”. Fucking hell.

You’re not allowed to say that things are the worst any more. This just topped the worst romantic dialogue ever from before.

It’s not my fault this thing keeps sinking lower and lower to depths that previously remained mercifully unplumbed.

Rainbow has a little sister and she’s moving to Ponyville.

Just another idea from the asshat. She has her own Sonic Rainboom like move called “The Sonic Lasermet Blast”. Asshat

Spike gets publicly humiliated again.

As she released him, he began to try to take off the pink diaper embraced to his body, but failed. The girls started laughing at how funny Spike looked.

"Girls, please welcome, Princess Spike." Rainbow teased. As she said this, this caused everypony to burst out laughing.

If the author wrote a sequel where Spike kills them all, I’d be okay with it now. It would be an understandable reaction to what has been inflicted upon him.

God help me, but I’m starting to see what might drive somebody to write some of the awful Spike-Stu fics out there, if this is what they’re using as -

Oh no. I was just rereading this chapter to see if was missing anything truly rage-worthy, and I really have to stop and back up to when they’re first exploring the “funhouse.”

First off: The Funhouse is for the CMC and Mane 6 only, hence its stupid and asinine name. Note how this leaves a certain scaly individual out. Big shocker.

More importantly, how did we not comment on the fact that once Rainbow “comes out” about her girly side… everypony treats it like she’s having a gender identity crisis? Seriously, the following exchange happens:

As they were hanging out, Twilight was helping her wife let go of her fear. She never knew Rainbow was extremely scared of revealing she's girly. After the back massage and some hugging, she decided to help Rainbow feel better. "Okay, Rainbow, I want you to do something," Twilight said.

"Okay, what?"

"Tell us when you first found out you were girly. This may help ease you."

"You-you think so?"

"Yes."

Rainbow took a deep breath, and let it out. She repeated the same process as she tried to calm herself so she can explain.

"Okay. The first time I felt girly, was when I was living with my parents," Rainbow explained. "Basically, I usually go to the store from time to time to buy stuff. One time, my girlish urge got me and I bought a dress."

Twilight and her friends eyes widened in surprised. "YOU BOUGHT A DRESS?!" they gasped.

"Yes. Anyway, I bought the dress with the money I had. As soon as I got home, I immediately went to my room. Once in my bedroom, I put it on. Man, it made me look pretty. But I didn't realize my little sister, Tropic Sun, got home thrity minutes later. When she got home, she noticed I was wearing a dress."

Twilight eyes widen; this must be the reason her wife didn't want to let her secret out. "W-what did she say?"

I don’t know, but I’ll tell you what a trans friend of mine said when I asked her to take a look at that quote!

You inflicted this on another human being? Why would you do that?

I only inflicted that quote on her, because I like to get a second opinion from an expert before I start keying in the launch codes. And actually, I won’t give you all the exact quote, because I think this group might object to the string of profanities that followed. Here’s the family friendly version!

Trying to be accepting of your WIFE

YOUR WIFE

and going like, omg, you're such a dyke and you bought a dress?

NOT

ACTUALLY

LOVING

YOU [rhymes with “runts whallop”]

If you were joking that'd be fine

BUT SHES PANICKING YOU ASSHOLE

DONT FREAK OUT WHEN SHES FREAKIN OUT

It actually went on for some time outside of that, but I think that gets the general gist of things out there. Basically, RD’s deepest darkest secret is that she has a girly side… to which Twi responds practically like she discovered that her wife was secretly transgender.

Yeah...This fic is clearly in the so ignorant as to be disrespectful territory.

Chapter 9

We’re mercifully back to short chapters here. Rainbow is named a princess and becomes an alicorn. It’s badly written, but not in any way we haven’t seen before.

Chapter 9.5

So the author decided it was necessary to recap the season 4 finale. Not by describing what happened from any new point of view but instead with:

On one day, Tirek, a centaur with the ability to steal magic, escaped from Tartarus. When the incident was happening, Twilight transported all of their belongings, even Scootaloos Xbuck, everything, except the library books, to a storage area where they would remain intact. As for their hangout, Twilight used a spell to put it underground for safety.

Worst. Retcon. Ever.

But I’m not actually going to harp on that. The rest of the chapter is Twilight showing Scootaloo her new room which is awesome, and has all her stuff in it etc. And I know that complaining about this is like rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg, but this should have been a super easy softball right down the pipe feels moment:

:scootangel: I miss our house and my stuff

:twilightsmile: Stuff can be replaced, what's important is we're together

:rainbowkiss: yeah squirt, home is where your family is

But no, instead we get

:scootangel: I miss our house and my stuff

:twilightsheepish: Here's more stuff

Where there are no feels to be had the author shoehorns them in with asinine “Twilight hugged Scootaloo for no reason” moments. And when he stumbles onto a place with actual possible feels like a blind man in a rainstorm he ignores them.

Fuck the gulag references. Fuck the Changelings. I’m starting to think that Scootaloo is actually Anthony Fremont, and everypony knows it. It’s the only logical explanation left. Because if Scootaloo were actually used to tragic things happening to her, she would be the one who’s most capable of dealing with the loss of mere material goods!

Oh, and there’s an edit that needs to be made to your summary of this.

:scootangel: I miss our house and my stuff

:twilightsheepish: Here's more stuff It’s okay, Scootaloo! I saved all your stuff! It’s only my historically valuable, irreplaceable belongings that were destroyed. The consumer grade stuff that was insured is fine!

:scootangel: Yay!

Yay indeed.

Chapter 10 and 11

I know I keep saying that this can’t really get worse, and eventually I will be right. But it is not this day. So what’s the one thing that could make this terrible terrible fic worse? I’ll let you guess.

Flutter fucking Sparkle.

Right. That’s it. There is no merciful God left. I’m off to sacrifice myself to Cthulhu.

Who is Flutter Sparkle? I’d say flutter Sparkle is the worst OC ever created, but that’s not fair. OC’s have something original about them. She’s not an OC. She’s literally a mash up of Twilight, combined with Fluttershy and put in a diaper. As you might imagine our author loves her. His user page is a shrine to her.

Yeah, I’m scared too. So she’s in this. She’s a friend of Twilights, who Scootaloo loves because she’s also in a diaper. She shows up, wears a diaper...that’s really about it.

Also y’know how Scootaloo’s fear of abandonment keeps cropping up? It’s kinda the one almost sort of decent character development this thing has?

Well it turns out that Rainbow and Twilight want to go on a second honeymoon of sorts. So naturally Scootaloo is going to have a serious anxiety attack, right? The two ponies she is worried about leaving her, making plans to leave her. That has to register. Please give me something to hold onto author, I want one tiny shred of evidence that there is good left in this world.

Twilight and Rainbow made plans for a three week vacation; sadly they wanted to make it for the two of them. Scootaloo completely understood what they meant, they wanted a private vacation alone, which most married ponies do.

That’s it, you’ve taken all I have fic. There is nothing left.

Rainbow gets sick with a cold and that’s it.

It’s over. It’s mercifully over. It hasn’t been updated in over a year, it’s marked incomplete but I can only hope that this thing stays buried. Preferably locked away encased in concrete, like they do for radioactive waste.

This isn’t a fic, it’s an exercise in existentialism. Can someone stare into the black void of nothingness and remain whole? I don’t know. All I know is a little piece of me has died.

I’m actually feeling much better now! You really just need to learn to keep a smile on your face through these things.

Rating:

Seriously, stay away. It’s too late for us. We’ve already had to endure the horrors, but you can still remain pure. We’re not admins so we can’t give it a 120%, but if we could we would.

If there was ever a fic that deserved those medals, it’s this one.

All six.

Five is arguable, but that’s still enough.

Because of what happens to Spike.

“Bring on the kisses”

Oh, but you’re missing some of the best!

For Scootaloo. She may as well be an OC in this thing.

Do I really need to explain why?

I almost feel dirty awarding this medal, considering what’s done to Spike in this story, but Scootaloo sure fits!

For this entire godawful excuse for a plot.

And finally, since this pile has 154 upvotes on it….

Not only for destroying my faith in humanity, but in most benevolent deities as well.

Chapter 1
View Online

Testbed

Chapter 1

"Professor Frod?"

"Vhat is it, Nurse Cinnamon Svirl?" The Professor snapped at the intercom box on his table, his horn still glowing green as he maintained the hypnotic display in front of his test subject.

"You have a patient here to see you."

"I'm a little bit busy now, Svirl, und this appointment isn't scheduled to end for another hour.

"Now," the Professor continued, turning back towards his current patient, "pull the stockings on slowly, enjoy the texture -"

"It's a very important patient, Sir," Nurse Swirls interrupted again.

"Und so is the von I'm speaking vith now," the middle-aged unicorn muttered, brushing his unruly mane back exasperatedly. "Unless it's royalty -"

"Lady Rarity Belle, Sir, and she says it's very pressing."

Professor Frod silently ran through the polyglot dictionary of appropriate curses he kept in his head, looking for one that was appropriate, but decided that he really shouldn't do that in front of a hypnotized patient.

"Buy me five minutes. Talk about her dresses, that should keep ze two of you busy until I'm done here."

"With pleasure, Sir!" The intercom crackled off, leaving the Professor to turn back to his patient.

"Ve vill not have time to do zis properly, I am afraid, so let us cut to ze chase. Put on ze rest of ze outfit, and you vill feel confident and attractive as you valk out zat - err, fly out zat door. You vill be polite to ze Nurse and other ponies you meet, but you vill not vish to hide from zem who you are. Do you understand me, Mister Biceps?"

"YEAH!" The bodybuilding stallion, currently wearing a pair of nylon stockings and lace panties, dove at the bag with the rest of the lingerie and frillery he had brought to the meeting. Within moments, he was decked out in a black evening gown that clung horrifyingly to every muscly crag that pretended to call itself a curve.

Professor Frod smiled approvingly and adjusted the stallion's obsidian necklace.

"Very gut, Mister Biceps. Or should I say, Ms. Deltoid?"

"THANK YOU!" 'Ms. Deltoid' replied in an enthusiastic falsetto.

"Now, go out zair and knock zem dead!" The hypnotic swirl in front of Bulk began to fade before Professor Frod caught himself. "Not literally! Enjoy your date, Ms. Deltoid."

"WILL DO, PROFESSOR! BLUIE WON'T KNOW WHAT HIT HIM!" Bulk turned around smartly, tail held high and proud to show off the remarkably tight lingerie beneath the dress, and marched out of the Professor's office, leaving a wicked grin growing across the older stallion's muzzle as he reached over to click on the intercom.

"Send Lady Belle in, Nurse Swirl."

"Already? But we're just talking about -"

A startled shriek echoed across the intercom as the door to the waiting room slammed open, no doubt revealing the Professor's latest project. A dull thud followed, not unlike the sound of a pony collapsing onto the Professor's couch.

"I'll send her in. Professor? Do you ever forgive a funding cut?"

"Now, now, Miss Svirl," the Professor grinned as he sat down and spun around in his chair. "I am merely helping von of my patients become more confident vith his sexuality and desire to be seen as pretty and gentle! Zis blind date is completely unconnected from ze grants zat vere cancelled to build a larger statue in front of ze Prince Blueblood Memorial Museum of Modern Nobility! Besides, I did make sure zat Ms. Deltoid knew ze Prince is especially fond of strawberry scented perfume. Und other things."

"Professor, if he ever find out about this, you'll top Chrysalis as Canterlot's Most Wanted." There was a hint of awe mixed with the pale pink pegasus's honest concern across the magical communicator.

"Yes, but ze photographs at ze Tunnel of Love vill be so adorable!" The Professor cackled. "Bring in Lady Belle, Cinnamon. I have an extra hour I can slip in her for."

"...Slip her in for, Professor. That's... that's really one you don't want to get wrong. Especially not with a female patient."

"Vhatever. Bring her in, I believe she uses a model eighteen-oh-sree-double-you fainting couch, yes? Zat should fit through ze hall nicely."

There was a moment of silence while the Professor savored his impending revenge, before he heard the squeaking of the fainting couch's wheels coming down the hall. He opened the door with his magic, admitting the still-unconscious unicorn upon it and a pale pink pegasus with a glazed cinnamon roll just barely sticking out from under her skirt and a manilla folder in her mouth. After positioning Rarity in front of the Professor's normal therapy couch, she sat down the folder and left him to quickly catch up on the case file while Miss Rarity recovered.

"Gott in himmel, zis is horrible," he muttered distastefully as he read. "I may as well start my notes now. Ze appointment is confidential, but ze case details are vell enough known to discuss...."

Goooooooood evening Rage Reviews! Or morning. Just pretend it's evening when you're reading this, it's more entertaining like that.

Besides, I'd hate to think it's too early to start drinking. Trust me, we're going to need the liquor before this is over.

Today's subject is "Good Things are Better When They're a Rarity," GTaBWTaR to its friends, by Stormbringer (Elric, if this is a relative of yours, I'm sorry. On so many levels.) GTaBWTaR is almost physically impossible to say, you say? Then it's a good thing that this story probably isn't making many friends.

Split-view cover art is never a good sign. It's an even worse sign when you find that the author's tagging discipline is somewhere around "spastic third grader." Let's see here... sex, Crossover, Dark, Equestria Girls, Romance, Slice of Life, and Tragedy.

So if the author actually follows through on all those tags, this will be a tragic romance involving some sort of crossover between at least MLP and Equestria Girls universe, possibly even more (since I wouldn't put a Crossover tag in to combine MLP and EqG, but that's just me), that gives us a look at the day-to-day life in a world with a dark atmosphere. Oh, and looking at the character tags with it, it will feature the Mane 6, Night Light, Twilight Velvet, Celestia, and an unknown OC, all as primary characters in the story.

Okay, authors? Don't do this. In particular, having read the story, I can tell you right now that Slice of Life can be taken off the playing field entirely. Either Dark or Tragedy should be taken off; I would recommend taking off Tragedy, because the opening gambit would turn off many who aren't interested in dark-fics. And as I said, I don't think Crossover is needed with EqG in there, but since (presumably, at some point) the characters will be turning up, maybe it can stay. However, eight chapters in, I'm pretty sure the Crossover and EqG tags are there for precisely one scene (we'll get there), and therefore can BOTH be eliminated entirely.

What people keep forgetting is that a tag should demonstrate things that are constant in and critical to the story. Speaking of which, let's get into that long description, shall we?

This takes place not long after Crusaders of the Lost Mark.

Rarity's new love interest is discovered to be sick and psychopathic monster.  Her injuries force Princess Twilight to reveal her true feelings to the beautiful Unicorn.

This causes a cascade of affects that may be felt in two worlds.  Causing ponies and others to examine what they believe about friendship and love.  All the while, Rarity's deepest dreams come true in a most unexpected way.

Meanwhile, the pony who started all this tries to disrupt any happiness Rarity has found.  How far will Twilight go to protect the ones she loves?

I really should have known better than to have any hope after reading this, but somehow I managed to miss the warning signs.

I'm just going to leave off the grammar and spelling errors unless they're especially egregious, because otherwise this is going to take a really, really long time. Suffice it to say that I think parts of that description were written in Google Translate.

As for the story concept, this could be interesting! Particularly with the tags, it seems like we're dealing with what would seem to be a romantic thriller where Twilight and Rarity begin to form a relationship following Rarity discovering that her boyfriend is the second coming of Ted Bundy. At some point, some how, events in MLP Equestria will reverberate through to the EqG-verse, and end up having a ripple effect there, much like the opening of the portal and magic starting to leak through. In the course of these events, Rarity's ex will come back to try and finish the job, possibly leading to Twilight trying to take Rarity to the EqG-verse for safety and explaining the rest of it.

For me, this is a story concept with some really fascinating potential. I love true crime. I particularly love analysis of the twisted, psychopathic personalities behind many of our more notorious crimes. Not out of a morbid respect for the killers, mind you, but out of a morbid fascination with how those minds tick and how to recognize them before they go supercritical and people die. Not unlike a pathologist who studies ebola or HIV in an effort to understand the workings of a disease that can claim so many in defiance of modern medical treatments, I find that digging into the gray matter of a Ted Bundy or a Dennis Rader (or for that matter, an Omar Mateen) is an exercise that reveals all manner of complexities in humanity and, just maybe, holds the secret to saving it somewhere down the line.

While this is obviously a fictional case, my fondness for the real life study also leads to a matching fondness with watching fictional villainous minds at work. While I don't expect Stormbringer to be on par with Thomas Harris, I'm hoping that I'll get an interesting look at a "sick, psychopathic monster" in Equestria. What it means to be one, how one can get away with his crimes, how one can get close enough to Rarity and Twilight to be a threat, and how they respond to the threat he poses. That this might come with a side-dish of world-transiting Rarilight and Twilight Sparkle being pushed to her psychological limits to protect her loved ones? This is gonna be great!

At this point in time, the story has an 18:8 vote ratio. Spoiler alert - one of those 8 is mine.

Now, getting into the story itself, we see that it's currently makred as Incomplete, with 8 chapters clocking in at just shy of 25k words, an average of just over 3k words/chapter. Not bad on that front. Then we see that all the chapters were published on the same exact day.

This can go one of two ways. One way is that the author wanted to build up a backlog and give himself time to keep working on the rest of the story! If this were the case, he should have put all the chapters in place, and then published one a week, or something along that schedule, so that his readers would have a constant dribble of new material while he worked on writing the rest. As the story was published in its entirety just a hair over two weeks ago as of this writing, that is clearly not the author's strategy.

The other option is that the author was planning to write the entire thing before posting it, eventually petered out, and decided to publish, expecting the onslaught of enthusiastic praise to help muster his own energy for completing the story. If this is the case... well, let's just say that there may not be a Chapter 9 in the future. Is this a blessing in disguise, or the end that earned this story it's Tragedy tag? Read along with me, and we'll find out together.

CHAPTER ONE: A FRIEND IN NEED

Our story begins with... holy crap, it's not a weather report!

Instead, we have Twilight conducting an experiment. A very delicate experiment.

Twilight was all alone in the castle. The experiment she was doing, was something she couldn’t have done back at the Golden Oak Library. Here in the castle she was in a secure fortress. She was sure she could guarantee not being disturbed. She’d even sent Spike to Canterlot to visit Twilight Velvet and Night Light, despite the fact that Spike didn’t see Twilight as his mother, her parents he looked to as grandparents.

An experiment in comma abuse.

As a matter of fact, while I know that I said I wasn't going to dwell on any but the most egregious grammar and spelling errors, I have to make a couple comments on formatting in this story. The author seems to alternate between indenting paragraphs, and indenting them after inserting whitespace. Typically, one of these is sufficient, but I wouldn't mind using both... if the author didn't use it inconsistently. What's more, where the paragraph breaks happen seems to be almost random. Commas are used where semi-colons should be, some sentences should be joined together with commas, and some sentences should just be broken up.

It's almost as if the author, in an attempt to get some points for proper spelling and grammar, decided to use every possible method he could think of for using commas and line breaks in the desperate hope that at least some of them would have to be right.

Don't do that!

If you're going to be wrong, at least be consistently wrong. That allows the eye to acclimate to the wrongness and stop worrying about it, kind of like a hot spike being driven through one's arm. As long as it's happening at the same rate, temperature, and location, you get used to it. It's only when somebody twists that it starts to hurt again.

Speaking of things that hurt, Twilight conducts her experiment, and we get the old gag about everything needing to be very precise or Bad Things will happen. Then Dash comes and "rabidly" pounds at the door, Twilight glances over, and -

And we get an atomic rainboom picture with a very large BOOM beneath it.

Author, when I said "don't do that?" Don't do this either. First off, the joke is old. It's even been done on the show before, which is quite possibly where you got the idea.

Second, the picture breaks story immersion. More importantly, not only does it break immersion, it does so in a way that implies a humongous explosion that would likely have resulted in a significant portion of Ponyville being leveled. And what comes of this explosion?

The next thing Twilight knew, she was on her back on the floor. She could smell singed hair. Also, Rainbow Dash was standing over her, and her hoof was shaking Twilight’s shoulder.

“Are you okay Twi,” asked Rainbow.

Unfortunately, Twilight responded quite cross.

“Rainbow!” exclaimed Twilight, who vanished in a flash of light and reappeared upright on her hooves, her singed hair repaired. “don’t you know what it means when there’s a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on a door?”

If you guessed "jack all," give yourself a cookie! After all, this is a throwaway joke, not something actually important to the story. That's the right way to open up, right?

If this was the cold open to the show, that would be fine. But you're writing a story here, and you don't have a clear scene break where the cold open would. Instead, you take us immediately from "Ha! Twilight almost blew herself up, that's funny!" to "Rarity's hurt bad, and she's asking for you," and boom, we're at the hospital.

Cold opens have a commercial break. You do not.

So, we get to the hospital, where Pinkie, Fluttershy, AJ, and Rarity's family are all waiting nervously for news of what happened to Rarity. Nopony knows what happened, just that the hospital received an anonymous phone call saying Rarity needed an ambulance and Sweetie went to get everyone.

And apparently nopony noticed the GLARINGLY OBVIOUS missing coltfriend.

Now, granted, the readers don't know that he exists yet. But the characters do. As a matter of fact:

“Rarity and I had our regular spa day yesterday,” said Fluttershy wiping the tears from her eyes. “She was excited. As all of you know, Rarity has been seeing a stallion a lot lately. She had told me it was getting serious. She said that he had told her to expect something special last night. Rarity told me she thought the stallion was going to ‘pop the question’.”

Okay. As we'll find out, Rarity's actually been seeing this stallion for three months. So, since this story takes place "shortly after Crusaders of the Lost Mark," it's presumably set roughly between that and everypony finding out that Flurry Heart is on the way. So if Rarity's been dating this guy for about 3 months, let's go ahead and say that she started seeing him during the mid-season hiatus, just for the sake of events in the show that we need to mentally slip the presence of a coltfriend around.

The good news is that because of the hiatus, the author only needs us to mentally work around three episodes. The bad news is, those three episodes are Canterlot Boutique, Rarity Investigates, and Made in Manehattan, three episodes that are all very Raricentric. I'm ignoring Brotherhooves Social because it takes place at the same time as MiM, of course.

More importantly, are you going to tell me that Rarity has been seeing a stallion for three months, thinks their relationship has progressed far enough that he might be ready to pop the question, and hasn't bothered to tell her friends and family his name?

I'm sure the author wanted to introduce the character fully to the audience, but this is a textbook example of how not to do that.

Right down to the "as all of you know." Literally. Textbook.

Here's a better take on the same passage:

"Rarity and I had our regular spa day yesterday." Fluttershy sniffed as she wiped some tears from her muzzle. "She was so excited! She said Sky Watcher told her he had something special for her last night. She said she thought he was going to pop the question!"

"Where is he, anyway?" Applejack scowled, looking around the waiting room. "Her danged coltfriend oughta be here as much as any of us, if'n she thought he was gonna ask a question like that!"

"I don't know where he lives, so I couldn't find him," Sweetie Belle said softly.

There y'go! It solves the "as you all know" problem, and it resolves the fact that the characters should all know (A) who Sky Watcher is, (B) that he should be there, and (C) why he isn't there and they shouldn't hold it against him (yet.) I literally just wrote it down now, without thinking about it at all in advance, so I don't know what the author's excuse is.

At any rate, Rarity is asking for Twilight, and ONLY Twilight, to come see her in her room, so Twilight goes on in to find a Rarity-shaped lump hiding under the blankets. The two talk, and Rarity starts to tell her story. This is where, two weeks ago, I scrolled back up and added this to my bookshelf of stories to address here, but first let's see the evidence. Long quote, but this really is a sequence that requires a thorough vivisection:

“Who’s there?” asked Rarity, muffled by the blanket.

“It’s me Rare,” said Twilight, turning on the lights.

“Please leave the lights off,” said Rarity sniffling.

Twilight complied and walked to the bedside.

“What happened?” asked Twilight.

Rarity’s answer was her bursting out crying.

“Rarity,” said Twilight, “talk to me.  You asked for me to be here, so here I am.  Your parents, your sister and your friends are all concerned.”

“I was attacked,” said Rarity, still crying and muffled by the blanket.

“Attacked?  By whom?” asked Twilight.

“My coltfriend, Sky Watcher,” said Rarity.

“The one you told Fluttershy it was getting serious with?  And he told you to expect something special?”

“Yes,” said Rarity, “last night we’d had the most fabulous dinner, then after a romantic moonlight walk we ended back at Carousel Boutique.  We went in for drinks and talk.”

Rarity paused, it was hard for Twilight to follow some of this because the blanket was still over Rarity’s head.  It also sounded like Rarity was having trouble talking.

“One thing lead to another and we ended up in bed together.”

“He didn’t rape you,” said Twilight angrily, “did he?”

The concern in Twilight’s voice and the anger at the suggestion that Rarity may have been raped gave Rarity some comfort, she was right about Twilight and how she’d protect her.

“No Twilight,” said Rarity, “it was consensual.

When we were finished, and just had lay there for a while talking.  He got out of the bed.  He said he needed to get to his apartment to take care of something.  Then he kissed me and asked if I had enjoyed myself.  I told him I did.  He kissed me again and asked:

‘Are you ready for your surprise?’

‘I most certainly am,’ I replied, I was sitting on the edge of the bed.

‘Close your eyes,’ he said.

It was a surprise, I was expecting a ring, not what came next.”

Rarity broke down crying harder.

Twilight put a hoof on where she could guess her shoulder was.

“It’s okay Rarity,” said Twilight, “you don’t have to.”

“Yes I do,” said Rarity, between sobs.  “He did this.”

Rarity pulled the blanket down.  Twilight couldn’t help but gasp.

“He had me close my eyes so I couldn’t defend myself from what he was about to do.

First thing he did was slap my horn so hard it broke in two.  It hurt more than anything I could ever remember,” said Rarity sobbing,  “then he produced a small but sharp knife and forcefully slashed my face more times than I care to think.  I had fallen down, off of the bed, but he lifted me up with his magic and then turned to deliver a kick with both of his hind hooves to my face, hitting my eye and breaking three teeth.

He just laughed and said:

‘Remember our sex, because with a face like yours, it’ll probably be your last.’

He even took the piece of my horn with him, I guess as some sick memento.

He left me there on the floor, bleeding, crying and in pain.  I almost wished that I’d die!  I lay there until morning when the ambulance came.”

There were bandages all over Rarity’s face, most still seeping blood.  One eye was swollen shut and her mouth was swollen as well.

Most disturbing (to a Unicorn and Alicorn) her horn was about half its previous length, the end was bandaged and there was blood on the bandage indicating that the living core was exposed and damaged.  This meant Rarity couldn’t use magic until it healed or perhaps never again.

Oy, where do I start? Oh, I know!

Rarity's face has been practically destroyed, several teeth broken, her horn snapped in two, and yet she's not under enough anesthetic to be incoherent, whether mentally or physically? She's not being forced to write all of this out by hoof, because her jaw was wired shut so it healed properly? She was bucked in the face! That should have just about shattered her jaw, not bruised it! She should either be in sobbing agony, or so heavily bandaged and muffled up that she couldn't speak, or both. Probably both.

And then there's the profile here....

Ugh. Okay, I know that this is an MLP website, not a website about true crime, serial killers, or criminal psychology. I know that people on this website aren't expected to know about all this stuff, let alone how it works beyond Hollywood. But I'm going to go into more detail than I would usually do in a review, because this story is hinged around a criminal act committed by a "sick and psychopathic monster."

Those are words that give me permission to savage this story the way it deserves.

So, here's our perp's behavior. He makes no apparent effort to conceal his identity. He woos his victim for months at a time. Courts them. Then, when he thinks it's time, he seduces them. After they've had consensual sex, he distracts them and launches a vicious attack. An attack that is clearly intended to cripple the victim, as well as to leave them disfigured, but not to kill them, since he calls them an ambulance and skedaddles afterwards. Then, as a twisted coup de grace, he sends flowers and a "so sorry to hear about your accident" note as he's moving out of town, leaving a menacing hint behind that he could come back and find them at any time he likes.

Our perp here has about three different profiles. Now I'll admit, I'm not an expert profiler, and the expert profilers I know just kind of looked at me funny when I explained that I was asking them to review the psychological profile of a small pastel pegasus. But as a semi-educated amateur, here's the problem.

Sky Watcher is a psychopathic smoothie of maliciousness.

He grooms his victims, takes a prolonged period of time doing so, and stalks them after he reveals his true colors. This is the sort of behavior you get out of your bog-standard domestic stalker.

However, his violence comes in a brief, one-time burst of potentially homicidal behavior before he flees. This is the sort of behavior you get out of your typical mission-based serial killer, typically of the "punisher" or "harlot slayer" variety, particularly the part where his violent activity comes shortly after consensual sexual activity.

But on top of all of that, what he really seems to get his rocks off on is prolonged psychological torture of his victims. That is the behavior of a sadistic psychopath.

These are three flavors that do not go well together. You can manage to kludge two of them together, but all three just doesn't work. And why not?

Because, especialy in Equestria, this type of loser gets caught.

Imagine, if you will, the following. A land with a centralized government that is legitimately interested in the well-being of its citizens, which is peaceful and largely free of violent crime. A land where harmony, friendship, and generally not being a colossal shit is considered the norm.

Now, insert into this land somebody who spends a prolonged time dating a pony, suddenly brutally assaults them, takes steps to ensure their survival, and disappears.

Please explain to me how he isn't Equestria's Most Wanted after Victim #1. Who, we eventually find out, isn't Rarity.

Explain to me how the guards aren't on the lookout for him everywhere after Victim #2. Who, again, isn't Rarity.

Explain to me how Equestria isn't in a freaking panic after Victim #3 - again, not Rarity!

The idea that the authorities wouldn't hear about this, that the Princesses wouldn't be mobilizing all of their forces to go after him, until after his sixth victim is a fucking JOKE!

"But Professor, rapes go unreported all the time!"

That's right, strawpony, but he doesn't rape his victims.

"But violent assaults go unreported just as much!"

No, no they don't. And Rarity demonstrates precisely why. Because you have a blatantly obvious victim exhibiting gross physical trauma who has no reason not to say who assaulted them!

"But there are all sorts of serial killers who get away with -"

Yes, serial killers. And that's what I mean.

You can have a domestic abuser/stalker who's a psychological sadist that gets his rocks off by imagining the terror of his victims. But that typically requires a protracted campaign of abuse to wear down the victim's willingness to go to the police, or engaging in activity that's legal, but threatening. You want a prime example of this? Go watch the original Cape Fear. It is fucking chilling what a guy could do, perfectly legally, to ruin somebody's life. Then go watch Robert Mitchum in Night of the Hunter, for an example of how the domestic abuser who uses the prolonged campaign of abuse can go full-on homicidal.

But here's the problem. Sky Watcher is the charming psychopath of Robert Mitchum with the MO of Peter Lorre's psychotic child murderer in M. By which I mean that the first sign of trouble with Sky Watcher is brutal, violent, and immediately crosses every boundary between his victim and a police report. There's no "if only I'd done this," or "if only I hadn't done this," or "everypony will think I should have done that" here. Only the most sexually repressed would think that having sex with somebody you're considering marrying means you've "got it coming." And those few who would believe that would be bitchslapped out of the nineteenth century by the rest of the right-thinking population!

Rapists and abusers who target their significant others are enabled in their predatory behavior because a prolonged campaign of abuse puts the victim in a position of feeling that they deserve what they get.

A serial killer of the "harlot killer" variety is enabled in his behavior because the corpses are remarkably bad at giving out names, assuming they even know the proper name and description of the attacker in the first place.

What we have here is an attacker who only fits if we assume that rather than being psychopathic, i.e., utterly lacking in remorse or regard for his fellow beings and motivated purely by his own desires, that his is psychotic and experiences periodic breaks with reality, likely being struck with deep remorse afterwards because he recognizes what horrible things he's done.

Because a psychopath will take steps not to be caught. Like not living a living witness behind who can give a detailed description of you to the police! Like not taking three months to decide to attack, allowing your victim and all of her closest friends to become capable of saying precisely who it is with means and opportunity to leave them a mangled mess!

Instead, this guy takes pains to make sure that he leaves living witnesses behind, behaves suspiciously following the attacks, and as we will find out, doesn't even take measures to disguise himself afterwards!

This is the sort of pathetic loser who thinks he's a badass serial killer, and then wonders why the "dumbass cops" manage to catch him before his first victim is even out of the hospital.

And when you're a pathetic loser among a community of people who are almost literally defined by being pathetic losers who can only get their jollies by raping, torturing, and murdering people?

[youtube=https://youtu.be/uqkY2nCf2xU]

Of course, actually making him a realistic menace would involve some sort of backstory or explanation. It would require taking the effort to make him a threat. It would require Rarity being the lucky survivor, not one in a string of them - or it would require that the relationship have been much, much worse before this, with Rarity having consciously disregarded or minimized warning signs before he decided to turn her into a punching bag.

Alternately, it's not Rarity's boyfriend, but a random attacker or one-night stand. That would also be a distinct and workable possibility that would change literally NOTHING of importance in the story.

Now, back to our travesty in progress, where were we...? Ah, yes, Rarity's tearfully articulate recounting of that night through what should be a broken jaw and protestations of fear that he'll come back.

Twilight swears to protect Rarity if that should happen, and Rarity gratefully hugs her before allowing the others to come in (while the lights are off, of course, darling!)

Oh, did I mention that this is one of those stories?

Yep.

Twilight spends the night with Rarity, helping her eat and drink since she doesn't have her magic. This will get more obnoxious as the story goes on, trust me. They try to get some sleep, Rarity wakes up screaming from a nightmare imagining Sky Watcher coming back to kill her, and so to help keep the bad dreams away Twilight climbs into bed and they sleep together.

NOT LIKE THAT!

That's in the next chapter.

Instead, we get Twilight imagining herself molesting the injured Rarity in her sleep, deciding that the jail time really wouldn't be worth it, and going to sleep holding Rarity instead.

In the morning, Rainbow comes by and we get another example of the author, in order to avoid never getting his dialogue tags right, trying every possible variation to see how many he can get wrong before the more discerning reader considers bludgeoning him or herself to death with a style guide.

Allow the Professor to provide a proper explanation of how to do dialogue tags.

"Ah, sank you, me!" The Professor nodded as he finished his notes, Rarity beginning to wake up from her faint. "You see, you have to be sure to punctuate at the end of sentences if you are not going to go on to a dialogue descriptor," he explained, "as I did before. But if you are using a variation on 'said,' then you should end with a comma, include the descriptor, and either end the sentence or move on to the next portion of your dialogue."

"Ah... Doctor? Why are you providing a grammar lesson?" Rarity asked as she began to come out of her stupor. "And what was that I saw on the way in?"

"Merely another of mein patients. If you are willing to provide feminine garments for more masculine wearers, I may point him in the direction of your boutique!"

"I... I could always give it a shot, I suppose."

"Wunderbar! Now, as for ze grammar lesson, zat is a matter of discussing ze dreadful state of your file here.

"You see, Miss Rarity, whoever wrote it has no concept of how to properly encapsulate an exchange of dialogue. They omit quotation marks entirely for prolonged, multi-paragraph expostulations like this, rather than properly putting a leading quote at the beginning of a paragraph and omitting the one at the end, unless it is the final paragraph."

"I... see?"

"And worst of all, they frequently use parenthetical remarks to set aside a pony's actions, as though they were writing a piece of erotic role-play!"

At that, the poor fashionista's finer senses could take no more, and she passed out once more.

Rarity receives some flowers, which turn out to be from Sky Watcher. Twilight fumes, threatens to personally end him if he ever tries anything against Rarity again, and the two hug and kiss more-or-less chastely. Breakfast is brought in, and remember what I said about the feeding getting more obnoxious?

Twilight was even able to get Rarity to laugh, she was doing little feeding games she’d seen other ponies do with their foals.

“Here comes the choo-choo, open up the tunnel,” Twilight would say as she levitated a fork of food to Rarity and making chugging noises. Rarity would giggle and open up.

Yes. Clearly the way to handle somebody who was badly beaten roughly 24-36 hours prior, and is likely still in immense lingering pain from it. But, then, what do I know? The doctor says she'd be ready to go later that day, not even 48 hours after being attacked, if only she had somepony to take care of her!

I mean, obviously, Sweetie or her parents couldn't be asked to help, so who could possibly keep her from being held in a reasonably secure location for a couple more days to make sure she's properly on the mend? She'll just have to suffer through staying in the hospital for more than A SINGLE NIGHT after being beaten half to death, poor her.

Oh, wait, Twilight's willing to help out? Well then, off you go, time to clear out the bed for a pony with real medical problems and all that!

You know, like the fact that realistically, Rarity's jaw should be wired shut, she'd be recovering from a massive concussion, on a liquid diet, have had emergency dental surgery for the teeth, and not be allowed to talk because if she moved her face that much it would probably pop the stitches holding her face together.

Yeah, that totally wouldn't indicate that maybe she needs more than a single night at the hospital before she's okay to go off with a buddy to keep her company and help her get around without her magic.

And I'm going to take a bit of a break for now, because I've already read the next chapters. And sweet Luna on a diving board over a shark tank, before this thing is over?