The Bible

by BrunnenG

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Human
Length: 1098

G-d tries to make the perfect world but the damn ponies keep spoiling it.

G-d makes the world and all the creatures in it. Ponies end up causing him a lot of trouble though.

This is a spoof/parody.

Not claiming to have authored any actual religious text here.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-22 22:53:59 UTC

Genesis

In the beginning was the word and the word was god and was with god and still is.

THE LORD God moved upon the face of chaos. He seperated the light from the darkness and named the light day and the darkness night, thus fulfilling the language requirements for his immigration VISA.

G-d created hosts of angels. He created the earth and made birds to fly through the air, fish to teem in the sea, and plants to grow on the ground.

He also brought forth beasts to roam the earth and livestock to reproduce after its kind, though he would regret that decision later on.

This took six days, on the seventh day, he put his feet up and smoked marijuana.

Finally he made a garden more beautiful than all the others and named it Eden.

"I hate gardening, I'll make a gardener."

THE LORD took clay of the earth and breathed into it and formed man and he was named Adam. G-d charged him with tilling the soil and caring for the beasts and birds.

G-d looked down from the heavens upon the world and saw that Adam was alone but also quite content.

I'll soon put a stop to that thought G-d

THE LORD activated his camouflage shield and took one of Adams ribs, without asking and he took the dust of the earth and blew upon it and thus formed woman and she was named Eve.

  Adam awoke and was sore confused and asked "Who are you, where did you get those lumps?"

G-d answered him and said "This is Eve, a wo-man as she was taken from man and she will be a companion to thee.

Rule over these lands and subdue the fish and the birds. Ye may eat of the fruit of any plant but not the fruit of the tree of good and evil if thou doest, thou shall surely die."

Eve was confused. "Well which tree is it?"

"The apple tree."

"Which is?"

"That one" THE LORD pointed it out specifically. "That one over there, now do not eat of it or thou shalt surely die, got that?"

"Sure", they said.

Now the pony was more cunning and low than any of the beasts that THE LORD had made.

One day Adam was tilling the fields when an orange pony with a sweet hat came up to him.

"Why howdy doo pardner. How do you feel like trying a nice ripe juicy apple?"

"Oh no, I can't have that, it is the fruit of knowledge of good and evil and eating it will kill me."

"Why that there is the biggest load of baloney I ever did hear. I eat them apples all the time, they're tasty sweet and good to eat."

  Eve overheard this and came to ask questions. "Tell us more, this is supposed to be the tree of knowledge."

  "Well, mah names Applejack and I always tell the truth. You don't get knowledge from eating fruit, you get it from having an eddercation. Now we ponies don't normally wear clothes but you guys, you walking around with your ding dong flapping around is kind of distracting. You can do wonderful things with these apples, making pie, making cider..."

Excited by these words Adam and Eve did partake of the fruit and realised they were in the buff and sewed together fig leaves to cover their parts.

Applejack told them of many things both strange and wonderful.

Then the searchlight of THE LORD G-d swept over the garden of Eden and Adam and Eve hid in the trees.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are." sayeth G-d.

Adam cried out "Lord we hide for we are naked and ashamed."

"Why hidest thou and who told thou, thou wast naked?"

Adam who had learnt modern grammar amongst other things replied.

"Lord, it was the neon technicolor pony with the adorable accent who told us this and bade us eat of the fruit."

THE LORD descended from on high in a pillar of smoke.

Applejack was chilling in the shade of a tree chewing some straw. G-d Spoke.

"Pony, Y U do this?"

"Just telling it like it is pardner. Don't want anyone missing out on that sweet ripe fruit."

"The tree is the root of all evil and will poison their minds." sayeth G-d.

"I resent the imp-lication, mah apples are grown with love and care."

"I made the darned apple tree okay, I made all the apples." sayeth G-d.

"Well ah didn't see you doing it."

"I am THE LORD thy G-d. I made the birds of the air and the beasts of the field."

"Well why would you go makin a tree like that? Them apples won't do em any harm."

"Technically no, the apples won't do that but because they disobeyed a simple command I have to mete out such punishment."

Applejack tilted the brim of her hat. "Fair enough," she drawled.

"Look, i'm trying to pull a fast one here and you're ruining it with your darned honesty, it had to be apples, you couldn't have done it with another fruit?" sayeth G-d.

"Clues in my name pardner."

"Because of you the earth is cursed, and many cacti and thorns will grow and the soil will be hard. By the sweat of thy brow shalt thou earn thy bread and in sorrow shalt thou eat of it."

Adam and Eve looked unhappy and the pony spoke up.

"You are totally overreacting. You need to chill out man you need to relax."

"Because thou hast done this I curse thee to crawl on thy belly for all of thy days."

"I ain't doin that," scoffed AppleJack.

THE LORD was wrath. He cast the ponies and the humans out of the garden of Eden and placed east of the gate cherubim, with a flaming sword that turned every which way, so as to keep the way of the tree of life.

Adam and Eve went forth and made rumpy pumpy with each other and bore many sons and daughters. Two of the sons were Kane and Abel but we get to them later.

The sons and daughters were fruitful and multiplied. Eventually there were enough to form a tribe.

The women sat in the shade of the trees and knitted scarves.

The males of the tribe picked the leaves and berries from the bushes. They made many different types of teas and also learnt how to roast coffee beans and they occupied themselves by making hot beverages. Thus the tribe was named the he-brews.