The Only Chapter, In Which The Entirety Of The Action Of The Story Occurs
Princess Celestia and the Clash of the Gods
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic One-Shot Fanfiction by Ponyswamp
Princess Celestia sat in her throne room in Canterlot, the capitol of Equestria. She had just risen the sun for the day, and now sat down for a nice cup of tea. Quite aside from the normal way her days went, today's schedule was completely free of whiny nobles, squabbling ponies, or annoying diplomats. For once, the princess of the sun had peace.
Peace that, of course, had to be broken for this story to have any merit at all.
Suddenly, a massive quake shuddered through the land. The ground shuddered, shaking the foundations of the castle. This, in turn, spilled Princess Celestia's tea all over her. Considering the fact that a significant number of her subjects were either dead, homeless, injured, or some mixture of the three, it was understandable that the tea threw her over the edge.
The princess flew into a rage just as she flew out of a stain glass window, completely disregarding the care and time put into it's construction. She knew full well that the massive quake that occurred moments ago could not possibly have been naturally occurring, and so began darting her head left and right, as well as up and down, in a desperate search for the culprit.
Luckily, or perhaps unluckily, her search did not take long, as she quickly noticed a rather massive crater in the fields just outside of Canterlot. An immense pillar of smoke billowed from it's center, masking the object that had created the hole. The princess flew with the speed of a thousand eagles to the crater, intent on discovering it's true nature as soon as physically possible.
Landing approximately twenty-three meters from the center of the blast, she stared intently at the pillar of smoke, waiting for either the obstruction to dissipate, or for whatever the obstruction was obstructing to reveal itself. A few moments passed, and no development was made, save for more smoke being produced. Cautiously, she took one step forward. Then another. Then two more. Then a half step, which was interrupted by movement in the smoke.
She could make out a figure in the heavy mist, which she thought at first to be an alien pony of some sort. It stood taller, however, showing off a bipedal skeletal structure and a height equivalent to her own. A scowl coated her face as her mind flicked to the only biped she knew and often associated with: Discord. However, the draconequus appeared beside her in a puff of cotton candy and looked to her with a worried expression.
“I know what you're thinking, but honestly, even I don't know who did this.”
Princess Celestia almost replied, but further movement in the smoke demanded her attention. The biped stepped from the pillar, revealing it's form to the two. It bore no fur or coat that was attached to it's body, though it wore a black vest over top of it's skin. Beneath the vest, however, it wore no shirt, showing off an impressive six pack. Discord whistled and tilted down sunglasses that were not there before.
“Damn.”
The biped smirked on it's bearded face, and put it's hands on the hips of it's jeans.
“When I enter a new dimension, the first thing someone does is comment on my hotness. Sweet.”
Celestia tore her gaze from his abs, which she had been staring at intently while biting her lower lip. Scowling once more, she trotted angrily up to the biped and got right up in it's face.
“Who are you!? Why did you blow apart my perfectly good countryside!?”
The biped stopped smirking and took on a perfectly neutral expression and stared back.
“Of course, where are my manners. I'm Chuck Norris, and I'm here for a fight.”
Discord's jaw dropped, and he snapped his fingers, producing a calender labeled Chuck Norris Facts a Day, with the subtitle and hot pics! He glanced quickly between his calender and the real Chuck Norris, and let out a gulp before raising his hand, preparing to snap.
“Nope.”
He snapped, and left for a secure bunker on the other side of the universe.
Celestia glanced around, now slightly frightened at the possible martial prowess of this Chuck Norris. She gulped and looked back to the man.
“A-a fight?”
Chuck Norris nodded with the grace of a million swans.
“Yes. After an infinitesimal journey through space and time, I have assembled the greatest fighting team in all of space-time. You have the honor of being the first test foes.”
He snapped his fingers twice, and leaned off to his left, cupping his hand to his mouth.
“Oh merry men!”
A few more bipeds assembled around him, in various states of dress, one of them being fully exposed. Chuck sighed and snapped his fingers again, producing a blue robe and large brown wizard's hat for the man that hid all features and shrouded his face in darkness.
“Princess Celestia of Equestria, meet the Black Mage from the immensely popular Final Fantasy series of video games, as well as Shaquille O'Neal, famous basketball player, and Nicolas Cage, superstar film actor and director. All of us have supernatural abilities that transcend mortality and common understanding. Now, select three champions.”
The princess of the sun shuddered. She could feel the supernatural power emanating from the four of them, and frankly, it scared her. She had better choose her champions wisely.
“Well, first I pick my sister, Princess Luna.”
Chuck Norris snapped his fingers, and Princess Luna appeared beside her sister. The only complication was that Luna was currently engrossed in a bubble bath, and did not notice the change of scenery. Instead, she continued what appeared to be an epic naval conflict between a rubber ducky and a bar of soap.
Princess Celestia cleared her throat, and Luna looked up. Her face blanched as her head darted around, taking in everything at once. After sufficiently realizing her surroundings, she did the only logical thing anyone in her position would do. She blushed profusely and squealed like a stuck pig.
“Ah! Don't look at me!”
As her sister quivered, Celestia walked to her slowly. Placing a loving wing on her shoulder, she gave her younger sister a worried smile.
“Luna, sweetie, you're naked all the time.”
The lunar princess blinked, and her blush lessened as she stepped from the tub.
“Ah, yes of course.”
She looked to her older sister for advice and counsel on what in Tartarus was occurring at this exact moment, but right then Chuck chuckled and pointed at Celestia.
“All right, second champion.”
Nodding nervously, she pondered for a moment without moving. After exactly fourteen seconds, she sighed and closed her eyes, looking down.
“Discord.”
Chuck snapped his fingers, and they all looked to the area next to Celestia where they expected the draconequus to appear. However, a sign came in his place, simply reading nope. Chuck Norris laughed a hearty laugh.
“One can deny to be a champion. Next candidate for second champion.”
Gulping once more, Celestia's mind flickered to one of the only ponies in this mad, mad world she'd trust in this.
“Princess Twilight Sparkle, my faithful student.”
Another snap, and the purple alicorn appeared. Like Luna, she too was so engrossed in her previous activity that at first she did not notice her teleportation at first. Her action, however, was a violent yelling fit at some poor soul who had incurred her wrath.
“And if I ever, ever, catch you peeping at me again, I swear to Celestia I will lay you over a table and beat you within an inch... of... your...”
She trailed off as she realized surroundings. Blushing profusely, she began to let out sounds that resembled the beginnings of words, but stopped immediately at the appearance of Celestia's hoof in her mouth.
“I know the drill, Chuck Norris. My third champion is...”
“WAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIT!!!”
A truly massive yell came from a distant mountaintop, and all in attendance looked to see a blur of pink dash down it's slopes and across miles of land in a matter of seconds. It stopped inches in front of Celestia's muzzle, then revealing itself to be Pinkie Pie.
“Princess, I know this sounds crazy, but I know exactly what to do in this situation, so please please please please please please please let me pick the third champion so that I can salvage this and save all of Equestria from certain and ultimate destruction!”
Everyone else in attendance blinked at the pink mare in unison, and Celestia let out a nigh unto imperceptible nod. The pink pony grinned widely.
“Great!”
She darted to a nearby rock that had been disrupted by Chuck Norris' violent landing. Reaching behind it, she pulled out another bipedal creature. This one also wore jeans, but he bore a simple t-shirt that read I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested. Pinkie Pie grinned.
“Fillies and superhumans, let me introduce you to...”
The biped pressed his hand over the mare's mouth.
“Not my real name, Ponyswamp is fine.”
Pinkie nodded and pulled his hand from her muzzle.
“Right, right, anonymity. Anyhow, this is the author of this fanfiction, and he's going to get us out of this!”
I nod and produce a laptop computer.
“But of course! Just give me a second...”
A cut here, a copy here ,and a paste here, and...
~~~
Princess Celestia and the Normal Day
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic One-Shot Fanfiction by Ponyswamp
Princess Celestia sat in her throne room in Canterlot, the capitol of Equestria. She had just risen the sun for the day, and now sat down for a nice cup of tea. Quite aside from the normal way her days went, today's schedule was completely free of whiny nobles, squabbling ponies, or annoying diplomats. For once, the princess of the sun had peace.
And she went on to relax all day and do absolutely nothing of any significance.
The End
