I'M BANANAS!

by Chaotic Note

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Human
Length: 1113

A parody of the trending "Why am I [X]?" stories.

Hi if you're receiving this message that I've recorded, then that means that sending a message via electrocuting a mirror was a success. Right now, I want you to sit the hell down and listen to my story cause it's going to be the most crazy tale of shenanigans you'll ever hear and somebody needs to carry my story.

So first things first, I'm a human named Nathan Drake. Well I was cosplaying as Nathan Drake, but that's beside the point. I was attending an E3 convention and bought some pretty good bananas, cause damn they're the best kinds of fruit. But somehow right now after touching the bananas, I'm in a land full of rainbow-colored ponies and I almost got eaten alive.

A parody of the trending "Why am I _X_?" stories.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-23 05:17:06 UTC

Chapter 1: Science UP!

The streets of Ponyville were calm as usual, its occupants strolling along with their usual business. Suddenly the sparsely cloudy day was soiled by a rising tail of black smoke from one of the tree library’s open windows, moments after a loud booming noise roared from within. Bystanders watched the smoke float in the air with dropped jaws, then shrugged it off and continued on their way. It was Twilight Sparkle, up to one of her strange projects as usual.

Inside, Twilight and Spike emerged from the stairway that led down to the basement, coughing and waving away the smog from their face. Twilight’s body was covered with black smudges and whiteish goop. Spike was the same likewise, except his entire face was blackened like soot. The dragon fiercely grabbed the nearest napkin he could find and rubbed his face clean with it. Applejack climbed up the from the basement afterwards, her face adorned with a slight frown laced with the same sloppy substance.

“Gosh darn it, Twilight, that blew up in mah face! Ah’m not sure if I can do this. Do ya really need mah help with this magic thing?”

“Of course, Applejack!” Twilight said as she used her magic to pushed the tainted air out the window. She cleared her throat and breathed in a fresh intake. “You’re more knowledgeable about fruit than anyone else in town. I’d be hard pressed to find anypony else who could help.”

Spike passed a clean, white sheet to Applejack, which she took with a quick thanks. “Why not Carrot Top? She may deal with carrots as her staple, but she also raised some fruit crops as well.”

Twilight used her magic again, a wave of purple energy flowing from the top of her horn to the soles of her hooves. Each wave cleansed her coat. “Some, yes, but I don’t think she would know anything about exotic fruit either, which is what we’re also dealing with. Also unlike you, I’m pretty sure she isn’t a complete expert in fruit. I mean, Celestia knows that you know pineapple juice contains natural chemicals that encourages the drinker to tell the truth.”

Applejack hummed deeply. “Well when ya put it that way... but still Ah don’t think Ah’m much help right now. Ah actually forgot what Ah’m supposed to be doing.” Applejack, done with cleaning, looked at the now-black cleaning cloth. “Spike, where do ya keep the dirty clothes?

“Ah relax, I got it,” Spike said as he picked it from her hooves. “I’ll just run it through the washboard.” He hurries off to another room, to where Applejack suspected leads to a laundry room.

“It’s pretty simple, Applejack,” Twilight said, continuing the conversation. “We’re trying to figure out the best possible combinations when it comes to changing a fruit’s flavor or combining fruits to make a totally new one. You’re my adviser of which flavors mix the best, and also you have a natural affinity to fruits.”

Applejack lightly blushed. “Well to apples, Ah do, but that’s about it. Just a simple apple farmer, Ah am.”

“You’re being modest, Applejack.”

“But that experiment-thingy blew up!”

“That will be my fault. I didn’t think the orange’s acidity properties would be so reactive to dragon fruit.”

“But Ah didn’t catch that mistake.”

Twilight matched Applejack’s frown. “No, I didn’t. I was the one that assured you the orange wouldn’t be strong enough to cause a reaction, and you went along with me. Like I said, totally my fault.” Twilight walked up to Applejack’s side and and patted her back. “Which is why I need you catch my mistakes. I’m sorry that I doubted you earlier, but now I’m fully willing to commit and accept your word.”

Applejack stared at her for a couple moments before releasing a sigh. “Alright, let’s get this over with. What are we doing this time,” she asked while following Twilight back downstairs.

“Well I was thinking that maybe using, er, zap apples with bananas this time.”

Applejack halted in her tracks. “Whoa now, zap apples? Ah’m not sure that is a good choice of ingredients, Twi.”

“Yes I think I know why, but the ones I’m using are a unique variety called plastic bananas. They’re not literal plastic bananas but they– ”

“– have the dull taste of one. However they make up for it with their incredible creamy texture,” Applejack finished. “They’re really strange fruits.”

“Yep! It’s a wild stretch, but I’m thinking that the zap apples will bring that wild sensation the plastic bananas.”

“Don’t you mean electrifying?” Twilight and Applejack back to see Spike catching up.

Their eyes did a full lap around the sockets.

“Oh you, Spike,” Twilight said with a smile.

“That was a little weak, Spike,” Applejack chuckled.

“But ay, that got a laugh out of you didn’t it?” Spike smirked, walking down to the basement with them.

Reaching the main science table – where everything has been scattered due to the explosion – they did they best to clean things up and set up the equipment where they were. Using her magic, Twilight repaired all the tools necessary to proceed with the experiments, especially the most important one. It was a silver piece of equipment with all sorts of golden-rimed dials over it, the main components being three rectangular, domed containers connected to each other in a row, with the middle container being the biggest and all of them with see-through doors. One each forehead of the side containers is a number pad and other buttons labeled as [Hot], [Cold], [Compress], [Molecule Bind], and other things. On the biggest container, there was only one button: [COMBINE].

With the main experimental device restored, Twilight then reached in the crate below the table and pulled out a grey bunch of the exotic plastic bananas and a rainbowy zap apple. Two fruits (and the rest of the contents in the box) that somehow avoided the explosion miraculously.

Twilight then opened the side containers and placed a fruit in both of them. As she closed it shut and calibrated the settings, she turned to Applejack and Spike, levitating safety goggles to them. “You ready for this?”

“Ah am,” Applejack said with a bit confidence.

“Whatever,” Spike shrugged.

“Alright then,” Twilight grinned. The three snapped their goggles on. “Let’s perform science!”

Twilight jabbed the [COMBINE] button and watched the insides of the side containers glow intensely. The entire device did a small couple of hops before the dial meters started to go crazy. Then a bright white flash emerged from the center container and engulfed the room with it, casting everything into a white void.