The Third Roommate

Chapters

Try To Avoid Lightning, Kids!
Awkward Mornings Are Awkward
My Dimension And Or Planet Ate My Resume
A Dress Code I Can Get Behind
Dinner And A Date...A Dinner-Date If You Will
After The Dinner-Date [Clop]
I Should Start Charging Rent For Use Of My Dream Space
Yes, I'd Like To Make A Noise Complaint: There's Not Enough Of It!
Maurice, The Equestrian Prometheus
The Return
I'll Have A Chocolate Milk...On The Rocks
I'll Go, But I'm Covering My Kidneys, Lest She Punches Them Again

Try To Avoid Lightning, Kids!

Author's Note

Just for the sake of storytelling, Equestria Girls never happened in this story.

Try To Avoid Lightning, Kids!

The passenger car constantly rocked as the train it was attached to pulled it forward, taking me and several other passengers to our destination. I sat near the back of the car, staring out the window as things like trees and rocks would occasionally wiz by; at first, I was lazily counting them just to pass the time, but after a while I grew bored of that and just decided to view the scenery. Eventually, I was nearly startled when I felt something being placed over my shoulder along with a female's voice speaking towards me.

"Are you alright Maurice? You've been awfully quiet."

I sighed before responding, still looking out the window. "No, I'm...I'm fine. Just uh," I shrugged, "a little nervous I guess."

"Oh, well uh... Don't be! Everything'll be fine, I'm sure you'll have a great time!" I could tell she was trying to sound positive, but even I could pick up the small hints of doubt in her voice.

I pressed my forehead against the window's cool glass, then made an amused sigh. "Sure, maybe... It's just...do you think they'll like me," I then rolled my eyes, "aaand possibly not freak out when I meet them?"

She release her own amused sigh before responding. "Maurice, they've read your profile and everything, yet still accepted you; what reason would they have to freak out about?"

"Oh, I don't know," I sarcastically said before I turned to her, "maybe the fact that I'm not a colorful quadruped like everyone else. Have you considered that, Twilight?"

Twilight, she was what they called in this world, a pony. Basically they're aliens that look alot like horses from my world which reside in this otherworldly land called Equestria. Oh, and apparently these ponies come in four flavors: earth ponies, unicorns, pegasus'es...eses, and alicorns--alicorns being a combination of all three and what Twilight was, also, did I mention she was a princess?

Actually, I shouldn't be calling them the aliens, it'd be more accurate to use that description on myself. You see, if it wasn't obvious by now, I'm not from here. Now I'm not saying that I'm from some neighboring country or something like that--no no, cause you see, I'm not even from this planet...dimension--where ever it is I am! I'm just a regular ol' human from the planet Earth who got zapped to this world with nothing but the clothes on my back and my charming personality.

"Well uh...nopony else seems to mind much," Twilight said, gesturing at the other ponies on the car who had all purposely sat a good distance away from me. They were all trying to keep their eyes forward, but some would feign a cough or pretend to drop something so they could pick it up in order to get a glance at me. I anticipated that something like this would happen, and that's why I chose to sit near the back, trying to look as non-threatening as I could, but despite this, the only ones who even sat near me were Twilight and her five friends.

These friends of hers who were chatting amongst themselves being Applejack, an orange earth pony apple farmer who has a southern drawl that I just love to hear; Rarity, a white unicorn and the sole reason I have more clothes than what I came to this world with; Rainbow Dash, a tom-boyish blue pegasus with a multi-colored mane; Fluttershy, a yellow pegasus...as well as the beast master; and then there's Pinkie... Yeah...I'm not even gonna try to describe Pinkie other than saying she's an earth pony, and um...pink.

"Whatever," I said to Twilight before crossing my arms and resting my head back against the seat. "I'm just gonna take a nap, mind waking me when we get there?"

"Yeah, sure," she said.

As I tried to sleep, I thought back to how it was that I ended up here in this world. About a month ago, I was on Earth, just hanging out with some friends of mine in the student lounge of the college we all attended. It wasn't until that I had to leave them to head for my next class that events were set in motion for me. See, it was raining on that day, which was no big deal for me cause I loved rainy days, as I'd often walk through such weather without putting on my jacket's hood, allowing my hair to get soaked. This time, I was walking through the campus, just to allow the rain to hit me; at first, it was normal like always, just a small sprinkle shower that was slowly but surely getting stronger, with me being the only one not to take the longer but dryer path.

Once I was halfway to my class, without warning, the rain intensified a little too quickly; it was like the rain dial was just moments ago set on one, then instantly cranked to eleven! Next thing I knew, lightning struck a tree that was a few yards ahead of me, followed by the loud boom of thunder a moment later. I was shocked, I had never been this close to a lightning strike before and my eyes stung from witnessing it along with my ears being deafened by the thunder. When I closed my eyes, I could still see the root-like image of the lightning that scorched the tree just now. When lightning struck a second tree, this time, one closer to me, I started to panic; I couldn't remember if it was safer to stand under or away from something in order to avoid getting struck.

Fearful of a third, I made a break for one of the nearest buildings. I was so close! I remember reaching for the door handle when...my vision was replaced by a flash of white... I never heard the thunder that time...

Next thing I knew, I was tossing and turning in--well, guessing by what felt like a blanket atop of me, a bed.

"It...it was just a dream," I said to myself before opening my eyes, only to have a mini-freak out when I saw nothing but white! "Oh, God! It happened! And I'm blind!" It was strange, I always thought being blind meant I would see nothing but pitch black, not white, but I guess blind people got it wrong since they don't really know what black is.

I then placed my hands over my face, ready to yell into them before I noticed that things got darker. Wait, what? I moved my hands away and was relieved that I could clearly see them. After a few shallow breaths to calm myself, I began to realize that I was staring at a white ceiling. Glad that I wasn't blind, I sat up on the bed and noticed that I was in an all white room; the only other colors I could spot being the bed's gray blanket and light blue hospital gown I was in.

It took a while for my brain to kick into gear, but I began to notice some strange things, like the fact that the hospital gown I was wearing didn't seem to fit me very well, how this room was illuminated when I couldn't find any lights in the ceiling...or anywhere at all, and the last but most important tidbit, THERE WAS NO DOOR!

"Huh," I muttered to myself, my brow raised after scanning along the walls from left to right. I then tried to get up, but stopped when I felt a sharp pain in my left forearm. Turning to it, I saw that there was a small tube piercing through the skin that was attached to an I.V. bag filled with some sort of liquid, which had most likely been providing my body with much needed fluids for however long I was out. After carefully removing the drop from my arm, I got up, then realized something: I was starved and really parched. Whatever was in the I.V. bag kept me alive and all, but it wasn't exactly filling or thirst quenching.

"Ugh," I complained as I rubbed my growling stomach. Suddenly, there was a shifting sound as some sort of drawer-like compartment slid out from the center of the wall opposite of the bed.

Curious, I walked to it and spotted a few items within it: a few flowers, some sort of gem that looks like something from a video game, and...is that hay? Sure, there were some other items in there too, but I ignored those as I focused on a bowl of water and a slice of toast.

In order to satiate my complaining stomach, I wolfed the toast down, sparing almost no crumb. Right when I was about to sip from the bowl, a female's voice startled me.

"Oh, good, they told me you just awoke."

I looked around the room, but failed to locate the source; it was as if the voice was coming from the very walls themselves. Confused, I tried to respond.

"Um...hel--"

"Twilight, I don't think it can talk," said what sounded like a younger male.

"Well, we'll just have to see," the female said. "YOU IN THERE!" I could tell that last part was directed towards me. "Can you speak? Do. You. Un-der-staaand?"

I didn't answer, as I was gawking at the walls. Who would ask that question?! 'Can you speak'? Of course I can! What kind of weird hospital is this?! The voice was silent for a while before speaking again.

"I'm going in there."

"What?! No!" yelled the male.

"Spike, how else are we going to learn from it if we don't interact with it?"

"But you shouldn't go in there, it could be dangerous! ...I'll go."

"What?" asked the female, sounding surprised that this 'Spike' person would offer.

"I'll go, tough scales and all, remember? If it bites me, I doubt I'd feel it." Starting to get a bit annoyed that they're referring to me as an 'it'...

"Well...a-alright, Spike. Just be careful."

As I stood in the center of the room, I rolled my eyes as I started to think that this was some elaborate joke being playing on me. Soon enough, I heard shifting noises from behind, as well as footsteps.

"Easy there, big guy," Spike said as it sounded like he was inching his way closer to me.

Great, I'm gonna turn around and it's gonna be either Chris or Will standing at the doorway before they have a big laugh at my expense.

"Alright, alright, very funny guys, but--" I turned around, only to spot no one there. "What the?"

"Uh...you can talk?" Spike said, his voice coming from bellow.

"It can talk?!" I heard the female yell before I lowered my eyes and...HOLY FUCK, WHAT IS THAT?!

I backed up against the farthest wall, staring wide eyed at what I could only describe as the result of a drunken mishap between Barney the Dinosaur and Godzilla Junior!

The purple and green reptile creature that was waist high slowly neared me as it held it's arms up defensibly. "Whoa, calm down, I'm sure you're probably confused and all, but--"

I then did what any sane person in my situation would do: I punted it away...like a football... This 'Spike' thing flew against the wall, where it stuck there for a few seconds before falling face-first onto the floor.

Seconds later, another creature entered the room, this one looking like a purple horse with a pair of wings and a horn. She then looked towards me and smiled. "Oh good, you can talk! Spike, let me take over for now. ...Spike?" She looked around the room before finding him face-down beside the door. "Spike, are you ok?" Still face-down, Spike raised an arm and gave her a shaky thumbs up before grumbling something. "Good," she said with a nod. "Just uh...walk it off, I guess."

For a moment, I just stood there and observed these two creatures before, "Phffft!" I started laughing.

"What's so funny?" The horse thing asked.

I waited for my laughter to die down a bit before responding. "I'm dead! I'm fucking dead!" I laughed a bit more before continuing. "It's the only way this shit can make sense! The lightning killed me and I'm in some weird ass limbo!"

The horse thing gave me a confused look. "Uh...I can assure you: you're not dead, and that this is real."

I looked at her, then shook my head. "Hold on, Ms. Ed. Let me just prove this to you real quick." I turned to the wall behind me, then smacked my arm against it as hard as I could. I then presented it to her and gestured to it with my other arm. "SeeEEEeee--ah, fuck!" I yelled before clutching my arm with the other.

The horse raised a brow, seeming to be amused. "What, did you break a bone or something?"

"No!" I shouted. "Freaking hit the funny bone..."

Well then, this is real... Shit...

After a few days of asking and being asked questions, I learned of ponies, Equestria, and a bit about its history, and in return, Twilight learned about me, humans, and Earth. When I described what happened to me with the sudden storm and lightning, Twilight hypothesized that the bolt that hit me was momentarily connected with this world, transporting me here; she said that such a thing was a rare occurrence, so rare in fact that it might as well have happened on my birthday...when the planets aligned...and hell froze over...

Eventually I found out through Twilight that I was apparently crapped out from the ether--my words, not hers--then plopped down onto some random street in Equestria's capital, Canterlot. Seems that I caused quite a stir, as the guards were called in to haul my unconsciousness body away. Also, it's a good thing that their ruler, Celestia, called for Twilight's assistance when she did, cause despite this being a peaceful land and all, Canterlot's scientists were all gung-ho about vivisecting me.

After Twilight deemed me safe enough, it was revealed that I was being kept in Canterlot Castle. Soon I was able to meet with the two princesses, as well as Twilight's friends, who all bombarded me with their own questions. Next thing I knew, I was trying my best to answer their questions; some were innocent enough, while others were more...personal--not sure why a princess of the moon would ask how big the average human's schlong is? Hell if I knew, it's not like I ever went to the gym locker rooms, only to approach some random guy and ask, "Hey, ya mind whipping it out so we can compare notes?!"

Things then got a little awkward when one of them asked why I had pointy teeth. I considered whether to tell them or not, but decided it was better if I answered truthfully. When I explained that humans were omnivores, they all gave each other a worried look...well, all of them except for Fluttershy and Pinkie. Fluttershy because she was used to caring for meat eating animals, and Pinkie because she was busy giggling before asking me if I was an 'omnomnivore'. Thankfully, with Twilight's help, I was able to convince them that I wasn't going to be eating anyone anytime soon.

So, for a month, I just lazed about in the castle, just staying in my room and not really doing much. Every time I did leave my room, all the ponies would give me strange and worried looks, like I was some loose tiger in the halls. The only ponies I even interacted with were Twilight, her friends, and the two princesses.

After a while, I found it strange that whenever I spent time with the girls, it was always with all six of them. When I asked them about this, they decided to be up-front with me and told me that because I was still an unknown, they had a power that would stop me if I were to try to take over the world or something. I thanked them for their honesty, and out of curiosity, I asked what this power was. When they said it was 'The Power of Friendship' I nearly lost it.

"Wait, so what were you guys gonna do? Love and tolerate me to death?!"

When they could no longer put up with my laughter and friendly teasing, they showed me what they meant, just to shut me up. Through a magical screen Twilight conjured, I saw this giant minotaur-centaur-thing that was smashing stuff before Twilight and her friends showed up--who for some reason, all looked like they were mauled by the 80's--what happened next caused my jaw to drop. I'm not gonna go into any details, but I will say, that the red guy with the horns...tasted the rainbow...

One day, right when I was starting to get bored with my daily routine of avoiding every other pony, Celestia herself came to my quarters and held a proposition for me. She pointed out that if one human were to get sent here, who was to say that another wouldn't? So, in order to avoid another dragon-punting incident, it would be better if another human were there to ease them in. Of course, that 'other human' would have to be me, but in order to ease another human into Equestrian society, I would have to experience it myself. So for this, Celestia asked if I would accept to take part in the cultural exchange program they had set for different species such as dragons, griffons and so on.

Basically, it was the Equestrian equivalent of the 'foreign exchange program' back in the human world, only the difference was that no one would be trading anyone for me, and the program actually gives money--or 'bits' as they're called here--on a monthly basis to the ones who are housing the creature.

It took me all of two minutes before accepting; mainly because I was bored, had nothing better to do, and hey, it actually sounds interesting. Next thing I knew, I was having my picture taken and was given a survey asking for information like my name, known medical allergies, birthday, and favorite foods. On that last one, I sooo wanted to write down 'cheeseburger', but knowing that these ponies were all herbivores, I doubted they'd be killing any cows for me--especially when they could talk as well.

And so, that's how I ended up on this train, heading towards a place called Ponyville, the hometown of Twilight and her friends, as well as the ones who accepted my profile. I then heard Twilight's voice and felt her hoof nudging my shoulder.

"Hey, Maurice. You up?"

"Um...it hasn't been more than two minutes," I said, not bothering to open my eyes.

"Heh, well you might want to get your stuff, cause we're here."

I decided to open my eyes and saw that she was indeed correct; I could see that the train was starting to slow and cottages were sliding into my window's view.

"We're heeere~!" Pinkie shouted in her usual excitement once the train stopped.

Twilight and I both got out of our seats, then retrieved our luggage from the overhead compartment. Once I pulled mine down, Rarity spoke towards me.

"Maurice, darling," she said before pointing at her luggage bag that was still in its compartment. "Would you be a dear and fetch my bag for me, hmm?"

Applejack, who was still sitting in the seat in front of Rarity's, turned back to her. "Rarity, what's stoppin' ya from usin' your fancy magic to get it yourself?"

Rarity placed a hoof over her mouth and gave a very lady-like gasp. "And deny this stallion a chance of proving to us all that he is a gentlecolt?! Never!" She crossed her hooves and looked away from Applejack. "Just wouldn't be proper."

"Proper, shmoper!" said Rainbow Dash, who was floating over the center aisle. "Here," she quickly grabbed Rarity's bag and hastily placed it on the floor beside her. "See, easy!" She then pointed at Rarity with her hoof. "Next time, Rarity, just get it yourself."

Rarity gave Rainbow a look before turning her head with a humph, then walked out of the train, using her magic to float her luggage beside her. Soon Applejack exited, followed by Rainbow Dash and Pinkie, leaving me, Twilight and...where's Fluttershy?

I looked around, and soon found her behind me, her hooves wrapped around her bag's handle, it was a bit further back in the compartment. I could see that she was clearly straining herself just to move it a few inches out, so I decided to help her out.

"Yo, Flutters. You need some help there?"

She shook her head as she flapped her wings a bit harder. "N-No, I--I got it," she said in that adorable, nearly quite voice of hers.

"You sure, cause..." I gestured at the bag that would take her hours to pull out at this rate.

She shook her head again. "Rainbow said that we should get our own bags, and I'm not going to ask you to get it for me because I'm not--ugh--strong enough to do it myse--" I placed my hands around her bag, then pulled it out and placed it on the floor. "--lf..." She then tried to give me an angry look, emphasis on 'tried'; I could not see this girl pulling off angry. "Maurice! I could have--" I shrugged, wordlessly cutting her off.

"You didn't ask me, that was a favor between friends. Big difference."

Her eyes went from me to the bag, then back again. "Well uh...thank you, I guess." She bit her bag's handle, then pulled it out of the train; luckily for her, the bag was the kind with wheels on the bottom.

When it was my turn to exit the train, I found that the girls were patiently waiting for me and that Spike was there as well. He had returned to Ponyville before us so he could find the ponies I'd be living with and have them meet me at the station. I'm glad Spike wasn't one to hold a grudge, cause a few days after the uh...football session with him, I apologized to the little dragon; I mean, I kinda had to, he was the only one in this world I could have a thumb war with. He just shrugged, said that it was fine and that stuff like that came with the job of being Twilight's assistant.

"Hey Spike," I said with a casual wave. "Did you find them?"

Spike nodded. "Yep, sure did. She's right over there," he said as he pointed to the benches by the ticket booth where a white unicorn mare with a short jet blue mane sat. She was wearing a pair of shades and headphones, and was smiling as she bumped her head up and down, possibly listening to music.

Nervous, I had Spike lead me towards the mare I'd be staying with, the six girls following from a distance for moral support.

I stood before the unicorn, then tried to initiate the introduction. "I uh..." I coughed into my fist to get rid of any nerves I still had. "H-hi, the name's Maurice." She didn't answer, as she was still bopping her head up and down. Curious, I waved my hand closer to her face to get her attention. "Eh...hello?" I turned to Spike and saw him roll his eyes before tapping the unicorn on the shoulder.

"Hey!" she said in a near shout as she jumped a bit before raising her shades, revealing her violet eyes. She removed her earphones before her annoyed eyes went to Spike, then slowly moved upward...to me. After a few seconds of silence, she spoke. "Huh, whoa. So you're the hooman."

Glad that she didn't seem to be freaking out or anything, I chose to not correct her and tried once again to introduce myself. "Uh, yeah. My name's Maurice. And you are?" I held my arm out, but then suddenly realized that she wouldn't understand what the gesture was. Right when I was about it pull back, she surprised me when she placed her hoof in my open hand.

"Hey," she said casually as she looked me in the eyes with a warm smile. "The name's Vinyl Scratch." I smiled before I gently shook her hoof, as things were already going alot better than I hoped they would.

I let go of her hoof then rubbed the back of my neck. "Sooo... You're the one I'm gonna be living with, right?"

Vinyl got up from the bench, then replied as she get herself a few stretches. "Yeah man, me and my roommate. She's not here right now cause somepony had to get more food since you're moving in an' all." As she continued to stretch, I noticed that her cutie mark was one of those musical notes--hell if I know which one, I'm not a musician.

"Oh, well uh...I'd like to meet her," I said.

Vinyl ended her series of stretches with a roll of her neck before she gave me a nod. "Here, come with me. I'll take you to the house, she should be back soon."

"Oh, well uh," I gestured for her to lead. "After you." She gave me a smirk before heading for the train platform's exit, but before I followed her, I turned back to Spike and the girls, then gave them a thumbs up. They all then cheered on my behalf, trying to be quiet in order to not disturb the other ponies waiting for the next train--except for Pinkie, who was cheering as loud as she could and was tossing confetti around that I didn't even know she had. I waved them goodbye and mouthed the words 'See you guys later' then followed after Vinyl.

As I followed Vinyl through Ponyville, I was being stared at by the townsfolk. Some were trying to be polite and not do that, but it was obviously difficult for them not to. The looks I got were either a mix of fear, worry, or surprise, while only the kids showed more curiosity than anything.

Thankfully however, Vinyl stopped. "Taa-daa~!" she said in a singsong tone as she gestured at a cottage that seemed a bit bigger than the others.

"This is it?" I asked, pointing at the home, hoping that it was so I could get a reprieve from the constantly staring eyes.

She nodded before she walked ahead of me, then opened the door. She then turned back to me as she waited by the door. "Yeah! Dude, just head on in, no need to be shy, you live here now!"

"Well you have a point there," I said as I walked past Vinyl, then entered.

At first, judging from the outside, I thought the interior would be a bit cramped for me, but I was relieved when I found out that that wasn't the case and the place happened to be quite spacious inside. The flooring was tiled, which matched the white of the walls, the furniture gave the place a comfy, modern look, and I could see a kitchen that connected with the living room, as well as four doors that led to other rooms.

Vinyl walked by me, then practically threw herself onto the leather couch in the living room. She then sat up and placed her forehooves behind her head while placing her rear ones onto the glass coffee table sitting in the living room's center.

"See those doors?" she said, gestured with her head at the three doors at the other side of the room. "The one in the middle, it used to be a guestroom, buuut I guess it's yours now. Why don't you go unpack."

Walking up to said door, I opened it and saw that the room wasn't as big or fancy as the one I had back in Canterlot, but it was still roomy. A wooden desk was at one of the room's corners and a nice cushy bed rested against the center of the back wall, along with a nightstand besides it that had drawers for my clothes and other stuff.

I turned back to Vinyl and smiled. "Thanks, this is nice."

She raised a hoof and waved it dismissively. "Nah man, think nothing of it. It's not like we were gonna have you live in the bathroom or something."

I walked in, started to unpack my stuff, then after a while decided to make some small talk with Vinyl as I did so. "So uh...who's this other roommate?" I asked, my voice a bit louder so Vinyl could hear me from the living room.

"Oh, you mean Octy--I mean, Octavia?" Kinda sounded like she was rolling her eyes there... "She's ight, a bit stuck up at times, but pretty harmless." I was about to ask another question, but stopped when I heard what sounded like the front door opening. "Oh, and speaking of Nightmare Moon."

"Vinyl..." said a female's voice. "Keep your hooves off the coffee table."

Looking through my room's doorway, I spotted Vinyl looking to the side, possibly at this Octavia person. "Hey, Octy, sup?" Vinyl said with a wave of her hoof.

"Don't tell me you forgot to pick up our new roommate from the train station?" Oooh, I like this Octavia person's accent. It was like...light British-y.

Vinyl lightly smacked her forehead with her hoof. "Whoops, totally flanked on that one." As she smiled, I saw her eyes slyly stare at me through the doorway. I remained silent, confused by what Vinyl was doing.

"Dammit, Vinyl." Octavia irritably said. "Go there right now! He might have been waiting there for hours!"

Vinyl raised her hooves defensibly. "Alright, alright, I'll go. But while I'm gone, ya mind giving his room a final look; see if it's clean enough an' all."

"Fine," she said with a short huff. I then heard hoofsteps heading for my direction. "Honestly, Vinyl, how hard is it to remember to pick up a griffon from a train station?"

Wait, what?! She thinks I'm a griffon?! I just stood there, looking at Vinyl like a deer frozen in the headlights while she seemed as if she were trying keep herself from laughing. Octavia's hoofsteps were getting closer and I didn't know what to do.

"Vinyl, go!" Octavia said in a half shout, staring back at her as she walked into my room. It was now I could see that Octavia was a gray earth pony with a long, well kept black mane, and that her cutie marks were also of some sort of music symbol--this one kinda resembling the fancy 'and' symbol I sometimes see.

When Octavia finally faced forward, her jaw went ajar and her face became one of confusion and possibly shock. Not really knowing what else to do, I slowly raised my arm, waved it, then introduced myself.

"Uh...heh, hi, the name's Maurice and um...not a griffon..."

From the face she was giving me, I thought she would scream, but instead, her violet eyes narrowed in a rage before she turned back to Vinyl who was laughing her ass off on the couch.

"Vinyl Scratch, you lying little shit!"

Awkward Mornings Are Awkward

Author's Note

So in this, and possibly future chapters, you're gonna see highlighted words or sentences; clicking them will take you to Youtube videos that I believe will help set the story's mood. Clicking them is optional, but I recommend it. Also, make sure to set a bookmark or open the link with another tab so that you don't lose your place. Anyway, here's chapter two.

Awkward Mornings Are Awkward

Today, business was booming; Chris, Will and I were practically running around the building, writing down orders and serving drinks to our patrons. Months ago, all three of us had pooled our bits together and were able to establish Equestria's first ever japanese style bathhouse. None of us could remember exactly who it was that originally came up with the idea, but we didn't care, as we were RICH, RICH I TELL YOU!

The reason we all went home to bathtubs full of bits was because our bathhouse was specifically made for stallions in banana suits. I'm honestly surprised that no one else came up with it before us, I mean, it was so obvious! Who doesn't want to take a nice hot soak in their banana suit with an alcoholic beverage in their hooves and or hands? It took us a while, but we eventually came up with a clever name for the place: The Daiquiri.

Get it? Cause, banana daiquiris.

Chris was at the front entrance, speaking to a banana suit-less plebeian wretch of a stallion who was trying to enter. "I'm sorry sir, but in order to gain admittance, you must be in a banana suit," he said, pointing at a sign near the entrance that proudly displayed our policy regarding that. "Come back later when you get one."

The stallion seemed disappointed before he turned around and walked away. As I watched him leave, I thought to myself, Yeah, you tell him, Chris! Banana suits OP master race--er, suits!

Soon, despite all the noisy chatter, I still managed to hear Will call my name. I turned my head and spotted him at the other side of our establishment.

"Maurice!" he yelled, cupping his hands around his mouth in an attempt to be louder than the crowd.

"Yeah?!" I shouted in return.

"They're asking for stronger stuff over at the V.I.P. section!" He then pointed at the area near the back that had much fancier baths and was separated by a waist high fence of bamboo.

After glancing in that direction, I turned back to Will, then gave him a thumbs up as I mouthed the words, 'Ok, got it.' Will nodded before returning to his duties, leaving me to pick up a bottle of our harder liquor from our bar, then head towards the V.I.P. section. Once I got there, I was a bit surprised by who I saw lounging in the chest high warm water with a stallion wrapped around each foreleg.

"Luna?" I asked.

She turned to me and smiled. "Ah! There you are, man servant Maurice!" she exclaimed before she used her magic to float her empty mug to me. "Pour us another! We enjoy this Earth ale of yours!"

"Uh..." As I held her mug in one hand, I looked at her with a raised brow and considered kicking her out on the grounds that she was a mare and wasn't wearing a banana suit. However, I quickly decided against it since I knew her and all, and the news that this particular bath once held royalty in it would probably strike up more business. I rolled my eyes with a grin before pouring the bottle's ale into her mug, then handed it to her. Once she took it with her magical grasp, the room started to flash red and blue and a bell hanging off one of the walls was ringing.

Luna looked around with a confused look on her face until the flashing and ringing stopped. "What, pray tell, was that?!" she asked.

I responded with a quick chortle, then raised a hand and gestured for her to wait before saying, "Hold on, happy hour...wait for it..."

Seconds later, much to Luna's surprise, all of our patrons held their mugs up and started singing at once; it was a song they learned from Chris, Will and I since most of them were regulars and all.

It wasn't until a few minutes into the song that Luna tried to join in all the reverie; she was occasionally getting the lyrics wrong, but still seemed to be having a good time, even when she failed to get her stomps in sync with all the others.

When the song was near its end, I turned to Luna and saw her happily swinging her mug around before taking a sip from it every now and then as she continued to sing along. "Now everybody's died~! So until our tears are dried~! We'll drink and drink and drink and drink, and then we'll drink some--what the?" She stopped singing, then looked around the Daiquiri with a worried expression in her eyes. "Oh no..."

"'Oh no'?" I asked Luna before noticing that Chris, Will and all of the patrons had stopped moving, their bodies as still as statues. I then started turning towards her. "Luna, what's going o--" She scared the crap out of me when she suddenly approached and used her forelegs to grip my shoulders, then started to violently shake me.

"Don't wake up now, you dolt!" she yelled, inches away from my face. "We haven't had this much fun in over a millennia!"

"Luna, what are you talking abou--"

My eyes suddenly opened before I quickly sat upright on my bed, my body and sleeping clothes soaked in a cold sweat.

"What the fuck was that?!" I asked no one in particular once I calmed down enough. Sure, I've had plenty of weird dreams before, but never like that! What the hell was my subconscious trying to tell me?! To go run a--what was it again? A bathhouse that serves beer?

Deciding not to put too much thought into it, I laid back down on the bed and stared at the ceiling with groggy morning eyes. Soon, my eyes warmed up enough to the point where I could see the specks of airborne dust above me, highlighted by the early morning sun's rays that were piercing through sections of my window's blinds. As I stared at all the different shaped dust, I thought back to what happened yesterday when Octavia arrived.

"Vinyl Scratch, you lying little shit!"

I don't think Vinyl heard her, as she was too preoccupied laughing on the couch, her forehooves over her stomach while her rear ones kicked at the air.

"Vinyl!" Octavia yelled again, this time getting a response from the unicorn. Vinyl quickly sat upright before facing Octavia, her mouth cracking into a grin a few times before being suppressed. She then coughed twice into her hoof in order to salvage whatever she could of her composure.

"Y-yeah?" Vinyl managed to say through a short chortle that she quickly forced down.

"Why is our new roommate not a griffon?" Octavia sternly asked, pointing a hoof back at me.

"What?" Vinyl asked with a smile. "Did your folks never give you 'the talk'?" She then mirthlessly rolled her eyes before saying, "Well you see, Octy, when a mommy hooman and a daddy hooman love each other veeery much, they--"

Octavia raised a hoof, gesturing for her to just stop right there. "Enough jokes, Vinyl," she said, sounding as if she were getting fed up. "You know very well what I mean!"

Vinyl nervously smiled as she waved her hooves defensively. "Whoa there, Octy. In my defense, I never said he was a griffon; you only asked if he was some 'exotic and far-off creature'."

"Yes," Octavia stated in an annoyed and correcting tone. "Exotic and far-off: griffon."

"Well, Octy, I'm sorry to tell you this, buuut," Vinyl then pointed at me, who had just been watching through the doorway the entire time, "griffons kinda got knocked down a peg on the 'exotic and far off' list; can't get any more exotic-er and far-off-est than him!"

Upon hearing that, Octavia turned her head to the side, then pinched the bridge of her nose with her hoof. "Ugh...Vinyl..." she muttered.

"What?!" Vinyl asked with a shrug. "I didn't exactly lie! And on the plus side, the list I was shown said that the monthly bits for Maurice was twice as much as a griffon's!" Huh, I guess either Celestia or the ones in charge of the program did that in order to provide a little incentive for ponies to take me in...

Still looking to the side, Octavia shook her head a bit before responding. "That's not the point, Vinyl. You may not have exactly lied, and goddesses know we need the bits, but why in creation would you withhold the information that he was a..." She turned back to Vinyl, and despite her facing away from me, I could still see that she was cocking her head to the side. "What was it you said? A...a 'hoo-man'?"

Vinyl then flashed a shit eating grin that I think I'm gonna be seeing a lot of before she casually said, "Yep, hooman. Aaand I thought it'd be funny when you'd find out for yourself...which it was."

Octavia then rolled her head while grunting a disgruntled...grunt--what do you want from me? I'm not a damn dictionary! "That's it!" she yelled, then pointed at the room to my right. "Vinyl! My room! Now!"

"Wait," Vinyl said, sounding to be amused. "Is this the part where you give me," she then made air quotes with her forehooves while trying her best to imitate Octavia's accent, "'a stern talking to'?" Octavia didn't answer, and I could tell that she was glaring at the unicorn.

With her hooves still raised, she stared at Octavia for a few seconds before lowering them. "Fine, fine," Vinyl said with a roll of her eyes before sliding off the couch, then headed in the direction opposite of were the gray pony had pointed.

"Vinyl..." Octavia said in a near growl.

"What?!" was what I heard as her response, as well as the sound of a refrigerator opening. "If I'm gonna get yelled at or murdered in there, I might as well have a drink on me! Now where are those bananas? Cause I could really go for a daiquiri!"

As the sounds of the drink being prepared flooded the house, Octavia just stood there and remained quiet, which kinda scared me a bit--I swear to God I think I can hear her teeth grinding over the noise!

"There," Vinyl said as she walked by Octavia with the banana daiquiri held in her magic, heading to the room only to stop when she saw me standing in mine. "Oh yeah..." She then turned back to Octavia, saying, "Hold on, Octy. Just adding a little insurance."

"What?" Octavia asked, sounding confused before she turned around.

Vinyl now stood under my doorway, leaning against it before taking a sip of her drink, then addressing me. "Hey there, sport! I'm so sorry you had to see mommy and daddy fighting." She took another sip. "But just know that it's not your fault. Sometimes, mommies and daddies just fall out of love."

"Oh my God," I amusingly said with a grin before I faced upwards and slowly face palmed. This was hilarious, she was reminding me too much of myself from before the lightning incident!

Octavia spoke again, this time sounding impatient. "Vinyl... Room..."

"Alright, alright, I'm going, sheesh!" Vinyl stepped out from under my doorway, then slid out of view...only to have her head pop back in seconds later. "Oh, and if I suddenly go missing within the next twenty-four hours or so, make sure to call the police."

"Vinyl!" Octavia yelled.

Vinyl tilted her head to the side before casually saying, "Mmmaybe drain the nearby lake. You know, to find my severed body parts and all that."

For some reason, Octavia had a worried look on her face before she suddenly walked up to Vinyl and practically placed her in a headlock, then silenced the unicorn by covering her mouth with a hoof.

"Vinyl," she said through gritted teeth. "Shut. Up." Vinyl mumbled something as she tried to squirm her way out of the headlock but failed to do so, it was obvious that Octavia's earth pony strength wouldn't allow her.

"No, Vinyl. No more talking from you. This is exactly why you are in dire need of, as you said, 'a stern talking to'." Octavia then turned towards me and smiled nervously. "I'm so sorry about this, but we'll have to have a proper introduction tomorrow, after I give Ms. Scratch here her scolding." I looked to Vinyl's face and saw that her eyes were half open in apparent boredom as she mumbled what kinda sounded like an unenthusiastic 'yay'. "Would that be fine with you?"

"No, please," I said, giving her the go-ahead gesture. "Tomorrow's fine, so scold away."

"Thank you. Well then, goodnight uh...Maurice, was it?" 'Goodnight'? It just barely got dark outside, just how long does she plan to yell at her for? Disregarding that thought, I then nodded and responded in a friendly tone.

"Yeah, it's Maurice." Her face suddenly showed relief, possibly because she got my name right.

"Octavia," she said with a small bow of her head. Right when she was about to say something else, Vinyl tried to squirm her way out of the headlock again, prompting Octavia to start walking her out from under my doorway while Vinyl floated her drink after them. "I swear, Vinyl." I heard Octavia say seconds later. "In a few hours, you're gonna wish I murdered you instead!"

After a quiet chuckle, I continued to unpack, shaking my head with a smile over the thought of what just happened. Moments later, Vinyl must have somehow escaped the headlock, because I then heard her yell one last thing before a door slammed shut.

"Just make sure to bury whatever you find of me with my shades and turntable!"

After staring at the ceiling for a good five minutes, I was startled when I heard a quick series of clinks and clanks coming from outside of my room. Out of curiosity, I managed to get out of bed, walked over to my door and was about to open it before I stopped and considered whether to change into a different set of clothes or stay in my sleeping ones which consisted of a white, loose fitting T shirt and a pair of grey sweatpants. Choosing the latter, I opened my room's door and stepped out, instantly seeing that the living room looked the same as when I turned in for bed. Only, the difference being that the windows, which previously had their curtains closed last night, were now pulled back, causing the white walls to give off a slight orange tint due to the fact that the sun was starting to rise outside.

Taking a few steps out of my room, I heard the noise again, as well as a familiar voice. "Oh, darn." Hmm...British-y... Yep, Octavia, and it sounded like she was in the kitchen.

I then headed towards it, walking around the coffee table as I passed through the living room. Once I was close enough, I spotted Octavia in the kitchen, standing on her hind-legs before the stove where a kettle and a frying pan were resting above the lit burners. I watched as Octavia scooted sideways a bit before stopping at the kitchen sink's countertop where a metal bowl with a whisk in it was. She then bit the whisk's handle and started mixing whatever was in the bowl, causing the noise I heard earlier.

I just stood back and quietly observed with my hand on my chin when Octavia stopped mixing, pulled the whisk out, set it aside, then carefully moved the bowl over to the stove and poured out some kind of yellow-ish gooey liquid from it into the waiting pan. There was a bit of a sizzling sound that didn't stop until the bottom of the pan was filled. Moments later, I caught a scent in the air and immediately realized what all this was. She was making pancakes, and judging by the smell, it was buttermilk flavored; my favorite.

"That smells great," I said, causing Octavia to tense up before quickly turning around to face me. I obviously startled her, because she was looking at me with wide eyes while taking short, yet quick breaths.

"M-Maurice?" she asked, a hoof over her chest as she tried to slow her breathing.

"Whoops, sorry," I said in a half grimace, half smile, nervously rubbing the back of my head as I regretted not making my presence known earlier. I then pointed at the simmering pan, being slower this time as to not startle her again. "Are you...making pancakes?"

"Eh, y-yeah..." Her response sounded a bit nervous; whether it was because she hadn't relaxed yet or she was nervous about me being a hooman--er, human, I couldn't tell. I hadn't exactly had the time to tell if she were comfortable with that fact, but I do remember that she promised to properly introduce herself, and I planned to do so as well.

She turned her head to the pan before looking back at me, then repeated that act, only with her eyes this time. "Would you...like...some?" she asked, gesturing at them with her hoof.

I smiled. "Y-yeah, sure, of course. I'd love some." I moved over to the kitchen table and sat in one of the seats, then propped my elbow up on the table as I placed my head on my open hand, ready to watch Octavia work. She flashed a short, nervous grin before turning her body back to the stove, not turning her head away from me until the very last second.

A few awkward minutes of silence later, a nice, freshly made, golden brown pancake was on a plate before me on the table, along with a fork and butter-knife, a bottle filled with syrup, and a smaller bowl filled with berries of various kinds. I then looked up from them and noticed that two more sets of the same items--except the syrup--were on the table; one across from me, and the other to my side. Thinking that the third breakfast was most likely Vinyl's, I picked up a fork and was about to get a berry with it, but stopped when I heard Octavia's voice.

"Maurice," she called from over at the countertop. I looked towards her and saw that she was pouring something from the kettle into a teacup resting atop a saucer. After she finished pouring, she set the kettle aside, turned back to me and continued. "Would you like some tea?" Wow, the accent and she drinks tea; the British stereotype is strong in this one...

I really didn't want any since I'm not much of a tea drinker, but I couldn't turn down her hospitality after she just made me a nice looking breakfast. With that in mind, I put on a cheery smile and reluctantly accepted. Minutes later, I got my tea and Octavia was sitting at the opposite end of the table from me. Right when I was about to dig into my pancake, I was distracted by what I saw before me. Octavia, she wasn't using the kind of utensils that were made with straps attached that I've seen other earth ponies and pegaseses--the flying ones--use; instead, she was somehow holding them with her hooves alone, operating both a fork and butter-knife in precise and fluid movements to either slice off a section of her pancake, or to stab a berry before bringing it to her mouth.

To my confusion, she then give me a questioning look while chewing. She swallowed, then asked, "Is something the matter...Maurice?"

I lightly shook my head, just now realizing that I'd been staring. "Oh, uh, n-no, nothing. Nothing's the matter," I said with a nervous smile and chuckle before picking up my own utensils and using them to cut the pancake into bite-sized chunks.

For a while, things got awkwardly silent, the only sounds being heard was that of metal clanking against plates as we ate. Eventually, and much to my surprise, Octavia spoke up.

"Well I...I believe I promised you a proper introduction, correct?"

I looked up from what remained of my pancake to face Octavia, then replied with an awkward smile. "Um, yeah...you did."

She raised a hoof and gestured towards me. "Well, why don't you start? Because of Vinyl's little...joke, I don't really know much about you other than your name, and I am quite curious since I've never met a hooman before. So...tell me about yourself."

Oh no... I hate being asked that question. This is the part where I have to analyze every part of my life, yet still fail to come up with a proper answer before I start thinking, Oh God, who am I?! I didn't want to just sit here and not respond like some idiot, so I tried to wing it as my eyes wandered the room and I rubbed the back of my neck.

"There's not really much to tell... Uh...my name's Maurice--which you know already, and I'm ah...a twenty one year old human. I'm...currently unemployed--oh, uh, but don't worry, I'm gonna pull my fair share! Some mares I know are willing to give me a few odd jobs until I find something more permanent. And uh...what else, what else? I'm...from the planet Earth."

"My, another planet you say?" Octavia said, her hooves holding her tea near her lips. She took a sip of it, then asked, "And how is it that you came to Equestria, if I may ask?"

I rested back into my seat and lazily waved my hand before answering with an amused scoff. "Not with a spaceship if that's what you're thinking; really complicated science, magic, some cosmic entity loves to see me suffer, maybe some crazy combination of all three, I-dunn-know, take your pick. All I know is that I was in college, just heading to a class when lightning hit me, then," I snapped my fingers, "'poof', ended up here."

To my surprise, Octavia looked down at her tea and lightly chuckled while slowly shaking her head.

"What's so funny?" I asked with an amused and curious tone.

She looked back at me and I could see she was still smiling. "Oh, forgive me, I wasn't laughing at your expense. It's just that...your story reminded me of a similar situation that happened to me."

I raised a brow. "You got 'poof'ed to another world before?"

She shook her head again, this time I caught what resembled a blush on her cheek's dark fur. "Well, 'poof'ed yes, but not to another world mind you." She then took an unnecessarily long sip of her tea, giving me the feeling that she didn't want to talk about it.

"Come on, you got me curious now, so spill," I said as I did the hand-it-over gesture.

Octavia placed her tea down. "Oh all right," she said as she rolled her eyes with a smile, then pointed at me. "But just be aware that it's a very short story." When I nodded, she continued. "You see, one day, I was at home, just doing the dishes, when suddenly there was this green flash and the next thing I knew, I was at a foal's birthday party playing ball music."

"Ok, that's kinda weird; not my situation weird, but still weird," I said, prompting Octavia to lightly shake her head before responding.

"Hold on, I'm not done yet. Things took a turn for the weirder, cause when I got home...I found a mariachi player in my house."

"Wait, what?" I asked with a smile. "How did that happen?"

Octavia shrugged. "I'm not sure. I don't know how I got to the birthday party, and he didn't know how he got to my house." She then took a sip of her tea before finishing with, "Was kind of him to finish my dishes though..."

Ok, that last part was funny, it caused me to chuckle as I placed my hand over my forehead. However, I stopped when Octavia asked another question.

"So do you have any family back on--oh, I'm...sorry... That was terribly rude of me." Looking back at Octavia, I noticed a somber expression on her face, and it didn't take long for me to realizing why.

"No no, it's fine," I said reassuredly as I gave her a dismissive wave. "I uh...have three family members back home: mom, sister, and a niece."

"What about your father?" she asked in a curious tone.

I grimaced before turning to the side and scratching my cheek. "I...don't really want to talk about him..."

Her eyes widened while her ears lowered. "Oh, I...I'm so sorry for your loss..."

I narrowed my eyes at her in confusion before realizing what she meant, then shook my head while waving both of my arms in front of me. "Oh, no no, he's not dead--I mean, when I got zapped here he wasn't! I just, like, don't really want to talk about him, that's all."

After that, things were starting to get quiet again, and I could feel the awkwardness returning. In order to drive it away, I decided to ask my own questions.

"Sooo, what about you? Any family?"

She quickly looked me in the eyes while flashing a nervous smile. "Uh, yes. My mother and father are back in Canterlot."

"Oh, well that's nice. I've been there, Canterlot, pretty good place--much fancy, very wow."

"What?" Octavia asked, a confused look on her face. Dammit, when you've spent years being that guy in your group of friends who makes reference based jokes all the time, you kinda unknowingly form a habit out of it.

I gave her a dismissive gesture, shaking my head as I said, "It's nothing, never mind." I then remembered something from last night that I could use as a conversation topic. "Uh...yesterday, you said something about you and Vinyl 'really needing the bits' or something like that."

Octavia seemed to be in thought before her face lit up. "Oh, right, that. Yes, well, a few months ago, Vinyl and I used to live in Canterlot--not together like we are now, separately."

"Uh-huh," I said to let her know I was listening and for her to continue.

"Well I had my own place, near the Cloud District, very expensive, but back then, I was in a position where I didn't have to worry about bits."

"So what happened?" I asked.

She bit her bottom lip while turning to the side before saying, "Well...I don't really want to go into any details because it's a long and complicated story, but just know that a...a series of events happened which forced me to leave Canterlot." She then turned towards me, a small smile shown on her face. "Luckily, Vinyl was there to offer support and told me of this place that was vacant at the time." She then made an amused 'hmph' sound before saying, "Just imagine just how mortified I was when I saw how much the rent here was."

I started to put two and two together. "Vinyl moved in with you to help with the rent, didn't she?"

Octavia nodded with a smile. "She really didn't have to, but she insisted." Her mouth then formed into a small frown. "However, despite the bits I get from preforming at the local jazz club and Vinyl DJ'ing at parties," Huh, so that's what they do, "we barely made enough to scrape by for these few months. Also, it probably doesn't help that in order for us to make bits, we have to spend some; fees for maintenance of Vinyl's equipment and my travel expenses for when I'm required to perform out of town, things like that."

I placed my hand on the table and gave it two quick taps as I said, "Aaand that's why you needed another roommate!"

"Correct," she said with a nod, then took a sip of her tea. "We've tried to find another roommate before, but...there'd be no takers once they saw just how much they'd have to pay for their share." Octavia shrugged before continuing. "Then, one day, I heard about the program that would allow other species to experience Equestrian society as well as the bits that were involved, and found that it was the perfect solution. Vinyl agreed, and right when I was about to go to the mayor's office to sign us up, something happened..."

"What happened?" I curiously asked.

"Well, I was about to go, but something came up that I had to take care of, so I made the error of trusting...ugh--Vinyl to sign us up..." She took another sip of her tea, then set the cup back onto the saucer with a loud clink, hinting that it was finally empty. "You can see just how well that went..." She raised her eyes from the tea set and looked at me with worried, widened eyes along with a nervous smile accompanied by a blush that appeared on her face. "Th-that's not to say that I don't enjoy your company! I just would have preferred knowing that you were a human instead of a griffon all this time!"

I gestured for her to settle down, casually saying, "It's fine, no offence ta--HA!" I yelled because a banana coated in a purple-ish glow just floated by my face, scaring the crap out of me! Keeping it in my sights, I saw it was Vinyl who was using her magic to bring the yellow fruit over to her.

Riiight, I forgot that all unicorns were one with the force... Wait...was Vinyl coming out of Octavia's room?

As my mind was running over the implications, Vinyl stood in the living room, unpeeled the banana, then bit and ate just the tip of it before setting it down onto the coffee table and heading towards us. As she got closer, I could see that Vinyl was obviously tired; her hair was disheveled, and she seemed to be having trouble keeping her eye lids up, as her blinks were slower than they ought to be, also, her walk was more of a slow, forward stumble.

Once she reached us, she stared at her breakfast that was placed for her on the table, then grinned to Octavia before speaking in an exhausted, yet chummy tone. "Aw, Octy, ya made me breakfast."

Octavia rolled her eyes. "It was either that or let you starve; just so you know, I was very tempted by that second option after what you did. Also," she then pointed at the partially eaten banana over on the coffee table before continuing in a slightly annoyed voice, "why did you take a bite out of that if you're not going to finish it?!"

Vinyl casually shrugged. "Cause I didn't notice you made your special pancakes until after I took the bite; I'm not gonna waste precious stomach space when I see that you finally decided to make these babies." She said as she pointed a hoof at her pancake. Vinyl then leaned her head towards me and gave a mock whisper. "Word of advice: don't get hooked. She only makes them for special occasions. So unless it's your birthday, or Hearths Warming, or maybe you're dying," Octavia made an irritated grumble, which Vinyl ignored," you won't be seeing much of these, so enjoy them while you can."

"Vinyl," Octavia said in that 'scold-y' tone I heard yesterday.

In response, Vinyl raised an amused brow. "I get the feeling that another lecture might be heading my way, sooo I'm gonna take this to my room." She used her magic to pick up her breakfast, then turned and headed for her room. "Oh, and mornin', Maurice," she said with a wave while walking away, not bothering to look back. Seconds later, I had the syrup bottle that I was about to use on what remained of my pancakes yanked away from my hand by her magic. I gave her a glare, but she just grinned at me from her room as she started to close her door.

Once her room's door shut, I immediately turned to Octavia and brought up something that I just had ask.

"So...Vinyl just came out of your room... Are you two..." I made rolling gestured with my hands, which seemed to confuse the gray earth pony.

"Are we...what? Roommates? Because I thought we've already established that."

I shook my head, my face getting warm from the embarrassment of having to ask. "No, I mean, are you two...together? Like, I know the male/female ratio here is a little iffy, and I already know that a few girls here swing that way--and just so you know, I'm perfectly cool with it if you two are--" She seemed to get my meaning when she raised her hoof and shook it.

"Oh, no no no no no!" she said in quick succession, her mouth formed into an awkward smile. "Vinyl just fell asleep ten minutes into my lecture last night! Besides, the only love in my life is Marchello." Did she mean to say 'Mar-cell-oh'? Because what I heard was 'Mar-che-lo'.

"Eh, Marchello? Is that your boy--eh, coltfriend?"

To my confusion, she placed her hoof over her mouth and giggled into it for a minute or two. When her giggle fit began to die down, she shook her head with a smile, then responded with, "Oh, Maurice, that was very humorous. No, Marchello is the name of my cello."

"Your cello?" I asked as I moved my head forward an inch. "The uh...the big instrument that looks like a giant violin, right?"

"Yes, that's the one. I named him after my fillyhood tabby, Marcella." A thought just hit me.

"Wait, wait, wait...wait..." I then pointed at her, saying, "You can play the cello?"

She appeared to be a bit taken back by my question. "Of course, what else would I play at the jazz club and at that foal's birthday party?"

"Well uh...I'd love to hear you play."

Her face lightened up a bit. "Really?"

"Yeah, I love classical music." Actually, I wasn't really into any genre, if I liked a certain song, I liked it; I was just curious as to how she'd be able to play it. Picking up utensils is one thing, but playing a violin on steroids is another.

"Well, a-alright," Octavia shyly said before she pushed her chair back, then headed into her room. Minutes later, she reemerged from it with Marchello on her back; she obviously took excellent care of it, as the fine wood it was crafted from was polished to the point where I could kinda see my reflection on its surface. I also noticed that she had the bowstring secured in her mouth and that a white collar with a pink bow-tie was wrapped around her neck, which in all honesty, I thought looked pretty nice on her.

She stopped in the living room and gestured with her head for me to move over to the couch. Once I plopped my butt onto it, I felt the couch's fabric with my hand and wondered if this really was leather. I mean, it couldn't be since that would imply that someone was murdered to make it--but who cares! It's glossy, smooth, feels cool to the touch and it's freaking comfy!

Once I got myself into a more comfortable position, I gave Octavia a nod, signaling for her to go ahead. She carefully lowered Marchello, extended a retractable stand attached to the bottom of it, placed it upright, then used it to balance herself on her hindlegs as she grabbed it from behind while her right forehoof held on to the bow.

She cleared her throat before she placed her left hoof over the fingerboard--is that what they called it here? I'd hate for that to be the only thing I know about string instruments, then have it be completely wrong in this world--while she readied her bow atop the strings over the cello's center.

Suddenly, and without warning, she slid the bow over the strings in a series of rapid and precise volleys, causing the following sounds to blend perfectly with one another in order to create incredibly pleasant...well, music. What I was hearing...I-I couldn't really describe it, and at this moment, I was glad I wasn't a musician; it would have been like a child looking up at a rainbow and seeing it as a magical and wonderful thing, while a scientist looks at that same rainbow only to see simple physics.

As she got further into her song, I found myself leaning forward, my eyes mesmerized on both Octavia and Marchello as a whole; she was swaying as she played, making it seem as if she and Marchello were in their own personal dance, the two cut off from the rest of the world. From what I saw of her hooves' movements, it was as if Marchello itself was using Octavia to speak its own language, a language that I would never be able to decipher, yet somehow understand the emotion underlined in every note it made.

Soon, to my disappointment, her song ended with a quick flourish and Octavia had her bow raised as she smiled at me.

"So...h-how was that?" she asked.

With my eyes wide and my face dumbfounded, I immediately got up and applaused. "Octavia," I said. "Tha--that was amazing!" My praises might have been too much, because she blushed before trying to hide behind Marchello.

"It was nothing special, really," she said, trying to be modest.

When I tried to make more mouth sounds that would describe how good she was, Vinyl walked out of her room, causing Octavia and I to look back at her.

"Oh, I see you're showing him Marchello." Vinyl said before pointing a hoof towards her room. "Ya mind helping me move some crap out of the way so I can show him Wubz?"

"Wubz?" I asked, wondering if I should have given my fourth grade recorder a name as well.

Octavia rolled her eyes--lot of eye rolling going on here--before scoffing and responding with, "Knowing you, Vinyl, you're probably just trying to trick me into cleaning your room for you...again..."

Vinyl shrugged while smiling. "Eh, worth a shot." She then walked over and sat on the couch next to me. "So, what's next on 'The Concert de Octavia'?"

"You want to hear me play?" Octavia asked with skepticism.

"Yeah, I could really go for a laugh." To my surprise, Octavia didn't seem to get angry, annoyed, or even upset after hearing Vinyl's comment. Instead, she had a cool demeanor on her face as she waited for me to sit down on the couch before adopting the same position that she held at the start of her previous song.

"Well then, Vinyl," Octavia said, confidence laced in her tone. "Prepare to be rolling on the ground."

Soon, she was sliding her bow across Marchello's strings, the sounds it made reverberating around the house, almost causing me to believe that more than one cello was being played. While my head swayed left to right with the music, I turned to my side and saw Vinyl, who was sitting upright with her forelegs crossed behind her head. She was trying to make it seem like she was bored, but she couldn't fool me, not when I caught her head slightly swaying as well, along with a small smile that slowly spread across her mouth.

You know what? I think I'm gonna like it here...

My Dimension And Or Planet Ate My Resume

"Not that this wasn't fun or anything, but I kinda have to go now," I said, trying to put my shirt back on.

After helping Twilight with filling her castle's library with books donated to her from ponies all over Equestria, she then brought me to a room that she repurposed to resemble a hospital's examination room. Twilight may not exactly have a doctorate, but she's skilled and knowledgeable enough in health and biology to give me weekly checkups in order to study my physiology and make sure I'm healthy--which was difficult for her to diagnose since there weren't exactly other humans to compare my health to.

"Hold on, Maurice," Twilight spoke, looking up from the clipboard held in her magic. "I just wanna--"

I made an exasperated sigh, cutting her off. "No, Twilight," I pleaded. "No more tests! You already took some of my blood, took a peak at my bones and organs with that X-ray spell of yours, checked my breathing, heartbeat, and--and you just had me turn my head and cough while you cupped my balls with your hooves earlier! What more could you possibly want from me?!"

Twilight raised a brow at me, confusion evident on her face. "But that's a standard test to check for--"

I cut her off again, my hands raised to my chest defensibly. "I know, I know, that's done back at my world too. It's just that..." I then rubbed the back of my head as I scanned the ceiling, my face getting warm and possibly red from having to recount what just transpired a few minutes ago. "You...you don't stop to take notes when all the unnecessary poking and prodding gives your patient an," I nervously coughed into my hand before quickly muttering, "an erection..."

"But that was for science," Twilight answered, saying that as if it wasn't a big deal.

I made sure my shirt was on the right way before I turned back to her and gave her a skeptical look. "Really, Twilight? For science? And why does 'science' want me to jerk into a plastic cup?"

"Well you were already erect," she replied with a roll of her eyes and a small shrug. "Plus, I have been planning at some point to examine your sper--" I raised a hand, stopping her mid-sentence.

"Ok, hold on, hold on, let me rephrase that... Why does science want me to jerk into a plastic cup...with you watching?"

She gawked at me before responding. "Maurice, you're an entirely new species; everything about your body must be documented!" As she was saying all that, she was kinda waving her clipboard around, giving me a peek at what was on it and causing me to snatch it from her magical grip. "Hey!" she exclaimed.

"Really, Twilight?!" I nearly yelled, aghast at what I was seeing written alongside her notes. "You even made a few doodles of my dick?!" She had drawn a few crude images of my penis with arrows pointing from one image to the next, showing it going from flaccid to half mast; the fact that I was embarrassed the whole time kept it from reaching its final form.

"Give me that!" she yelled as she snatched the clipboard back, then placed it against her chest and shielded it with her forelegs, as if she were a mother protecting her child from a bear. "The scientific community has to see this."

What? Scientific community?

"Twilight, no," I groaned, my hand covering my eyes as I looked down and shook my head. I then looked back at her and gave a tense smile. "Listen, Twilight, I'll...I'll give you my jizz," that...kinda sounded wrong, "but I don't want to see pictures of my dick on the cover of some science magazine." Since most ponies only came up to my shoulders when standing upright on their hindlegs--with the exception of Celestia--I lowered myself onto one knee so that Twilight and I were closer to eye level. "Sooo...do we...do we understand each other?"

Her eyes went from me to the clipboard a few times before she nodded.

I released a relieved sigh before saying, "Thank you, now I really have to--" I shut up when a plastic cup surrounded in a purple aura obstructed my vision. I shifted my head to the side and looked around the cup in order to raise a brow a Twilight. "Uh...I didn't mean now; I'm not exactly...in the mood..."

"That's fine," she calmly said. "Do it at your own leisure, but I do expect your sample by the end of the week, otherwise," she chuckled before smirking at me and finishing with, "the scientific community is gonna learn a lot more about human anatomy."

I opened my mouth to challenge her, but soon found that it was pointless to back out now; I either allow one alicorn princess a look at my uh...equipment, or all of Equestria. I sighed in defeat as I took hold of the floating cup, then got back up with a grunt. "Fine," I said begrudgingly, inspecting the cup at all angles, wondering if I'm supposed to use this cup specifically or if any other was acceptable--I really don't want to walk home with a cup in my hand that I know I'm gonna have to wank into at some point, do the deed, then make the walk of shame back to this castle.

"Good, so we're at an agreement then," Twilight smugly said. "Oh, and F.Y.I, if you didn't interrupt me earlier, I would have just asked how you were settling in with your new roommates."

Upon hearing that, my eye might have twitched and the jizz-cup probably cracked from the amount of pressure I was applying with my hand. Son of a bitch... I've dug my own grave there...

After convincing myself that the conversation about me being blackmailed for my sperm never happened, I answered. "Oh um...I'm settling in fine." I then set the cup atop a nearby stool and chose to forget that I ever held it before continuing. "Vinyl and Octavia are great; they've been nothing but nice to me so far, and the both of them even offered to help me with my job hunt today."

Twilight tilted her head to the side in confusion. "Wait, you're going to search for a job now? Isn't that a little too soon? I mean, you've just moved in with them four days ago."

"I know," I answered with a shrug. "But you kinda get motivated to get one when you're in the middle of a nice, warm shower, contemplating about the universe and the meaning of life, and right when you're thiiis close to finding the solution to all that," for emphasis, I had my hand raised with the end of my pointer finger inches away from my thumb, "you get a jet of freezing cold water to the chest and crotch..." I think Twilight might have been in a similar situation before, because her face grimaced a bit there.

"I...I see," said Twilight. "And is that why you seemed to be in a rush to get out of here?"

No, I just didn't want my balls fondled, but I wouldn't say that though, so instead, I responded with, "Yeah, have to meet up with the both of them back at the house; the sooner I get a job, the sooner we can enjoy warm showers again." I then walked towards the door, opened it, and stepped out into one of the castle's wide hallways. After looking down both ways, I turned back to Twilight. "Uh...where's the exit again?"

Twilight rolled her eyes with a smirk before stepping out of the room as well. "It's uh..." Her voice sounded unsure, and I got a bit worried when she mirrored my earlier action. "It's...it's this way," she finally said, pointing down one of the two choices. "Come on, I'll walk you out."

As I followed Twilight down a series of lefts and rights, I stayed close to her, out of fear of ending up lost in this labyrinth she called a home; seriously, she could hire a minotaur to guard the place and it'd be strangely fitting. Finally, and much to my relief, we made it to the castle's foyer, the main doors visible up ahead.

"Oh sweet Jeebus," I muttered to myself, walking past Twilight so I could open said doors myself. Once I started to push the double doors outwards, sunlight and the outside world slowly revealed itself to me, bit by bit. "Alright, Twilight, I guess I'll see you next wee--Octavia? Vinyl?" I was a bit surprised to see them at the other end, both bellow the small set of stairs.

"Oh," said Octavia. "We were just about to knock."

"What are you two doing here?" I asked. "I thought we were supposed to meet back at the house."

Vinyl nodded before responding. "We were, but man, you were taking forever to show. So we decided to meet you here."

"Oh," I said as I walked down the steps. "Well I guess you two saved me the trip back--"

"Are these your roommates?" Twilight asked, walking up to my side.

Octavia's eyes widened once she spotted Twilight. "Oh, uh, P-Princess Twilight!" she exclaimed before lowering herself to bow. With her head near the ground, she turned to the still standing Vinyl, then said with urgency, "Vinyl, bow!"

"Why? I didn't vote for her," Vinyl said with a shrug, causing Octavia to quickly force her into the bowing position along with her. "Hey!"

"F-Forgive my boorish friend here, Princess," Octavia said as she kept Vinyl pinned down with a forleg, the look on her face practically screaming 'Please don't banish her!'

Twilight covered her eyes with a hoof, then groaned before saying, "Please don't bow... And it's just Twilight."

It took Octavia a few seconds before she shot up off the ground. "Of course, pardon me, your highne--I mean, Twilight."

"Geez, Octy," Vinyl said once she got up, patting some dirt off her legs and making sure her shades were on straight. "Never knew you had a hard-on for royalty."

Twilight then pointed at Vinyl with a hoof. "Hey...I remember you. You preformed at the after-party of my brother's wedding."

Vinyl looked stumped before her face lit up. "Oh yeah...this was before you grew wings; you even sang while I was playing--which was top notch by the way. I think I have a recording of that song that I was planning on remixing at some point--wait... I'm not gonna get sued by you, am I?"

"If it's a good remix, then probably not," Twilight joked.

Vinyl smiled with a quick nod. "Sweet."

"Hmm," hummed Twilight, a hoof to her chin as she was now inspecting Octavia. "Now I know I've seen you somewhere before... You're ringing so many bells, but I just can't put my hoof on it."

For some reason, Octavia seemed to be getting nervous. "Um...per-perhaps you're thinking of the Grand Galloping Gala." I liked the way she said 'Gala'; with her accent, it sounded like 'Gah-Lah.' "I've performed there several times before with my orchestral band..."

Twilight slowly shook her head. "No...it's not the Gala; I've seen you play there before, but that's not what I'm thinking of." She started tapping her hoof against the floor, clearly trying to place Octavia somewhere in her memory. "It was...it was something from...something from...a few months ago...back in Canterlot..." As she did this, I started to wonder why Octavia's ears flattened, as well as her eyes nervously shifting from left to right; for these few days I've known her, she was always so calm and collected, and this was the first time I've seen her look so...so anxious. It appeared as if she wanted to run away, but was instead frozen in place out of fear.

Suddenly, Twilight raised her hoof, as if she just found her answer. She then pointed at Octavia, causing her to jump a bit before saying, "You look a lot like this one mare who was present at Speakeasy's trial, the alleged cri--"

"And here we have the domain of Equestria's newest princess, Princess Twilight!"

"Oh no," Twilight said with a frown, looking towards the source of the loud voice coming from somewhere behind me.

When I turned around, I saw a whole slew of ponies heading our way. Judging by the fact that most of them were carrying maps or cameras, as well as wearing T-shirts and hats that said stuff like 'I :heart: Ponyville', there was only one thing they could be...tourists. They seemed to be led by a school bus yellow mare with an ash blue mane who was also wearing a blue business coat.

"Come along now everypony," the mare shouted as she walked ahead of the group. "You don't want to miss getting your picture taken in front of--oh my lucky stars! It's the Princess of Friendship herself! Princess Twilight!" This seemed to excite the tourists, who were all in awe of Twilight before they started blinding the crap out of us with their camera flashes.

I tried to shield my eyes with my hand as we were all being bombarded by one blinding flash of light after the next. When I risked a peek, I saw that Vinyl had her hoof around Twilight, looking all chummy with the uncomfortable looking princess as she smiled and posed for the cameras. I then felt something brush against me from behind, and when I turned around, I found that Octavia was using me as a shield.

"Camera-shy?" I asked her.

"Uh, sure...lets go with that," she said.

As the four of us just stood there, trying to keep our vision--except maybe Vinyl, whose shades I wished I now had--all sorts of things were being shouted by the tourists as they approached.

"Princess, look over here!"

"Can I get a picture with you!?"

"Does being an alicorn make you a princess, or does being a princess make you an alicorn!?"

"Can I get an autograph!?"

"What's that weird thing with her!?"

"Isn't that DJ Pon3!?"

Twilight didn't respond to any of their questions, instead, with one of her wings trying its best to shield her face, she looked towards me. "Maurice!" she shouted just loud enough for me to hear her over the crowd. "I guess I kinda have to go now! I'll see you later!"

She then took a few steps back into her castle and closed the doors, only for them to swing open a few seconds later and have a confused looking Vinyl pushed out by Twilight's magic before closing again. Soon, a mob of crazed tourists, begging for a picture with the princess were heading for the doors. Before Vinyl was crushed in-between them and the presumably locked castle entrance, she quickly reacted by jumping of the stairs' side and making a bee line for Octavia and me.

"Go go go!" Vinyl exclaimed with a few quick flicks of her hoof as she ran towards us, signalling for us to leave. All three of us then fled towards the town, fearful that the crowd would decide that I--a creature they've never seen before, be considered the next picture worthy subject.

Minutes later, we were in a bar called 'Berry's' where Vinyl and Octavia were both speaking with the owner. The owner's name, who was standing behind the counter, was Berry Punch; she was a purple-ish pink mare with a mane that was of a darker shade and as I looked over the counter, I could see that that her cutie mark was of a cluster of grapes besides a single strawberry.

"So that's the situation," said Octavia, who then gestured at me standing besides her. "Maurice is looking for employment and your bar is one of the few places we know that can afford his services."

"Come on, Berry," Vinyl pleaded. "Be a gal-pal and give the poor hooman a job."

"Human," I corrected.

"What?" Vinyl asked.

"It's human, not hooman."

Vinyl gave me a questioning look before saying, "You sure?"

Flabbergasted, I stared at her, thinking that she couldn't be serious. "I'm pretty sure I know what my own species is called!"

Vinyl leaned forward a bit before saying in a sing-song voice, "I don't think you do~" I could have chosen to argue, but didn't when I heard Berry speaking.

"I don't know..." Berry said with uncertainty in her voice, looking me over from top to bottom. "What do you know about bartending?" she asked me. "Got any experience? Know any recipes?"

"Never worked at a bar before," I answered. "And uh...other than knowing that daiquiris have bananas in them, none." It probably didn't help that the closest thing I knew to any drink recipe was for something I called Black Gold. Black Gold simply being half Coca-cola and half Dr. Pepper; delicious beverage, but the downside would be that you'd get diabetes twice as fast.

Berry stared at me as if in thought. "Hmm, well...I guess I could train you if I decide to hire you." She then started gathering items from around her and placed them all atop the counter before us. "Here," she said, gesturing at the items that consisted of several liquid filled bottles and one stainless steel shaker. "I'm gonna give you some instructions, and I want to see how well you can follow them with those weird hooves of yours."

I picked up the shaker and inspected it. "Ok... I guess I can do that." Soon enough, I was easily following her step by step instructions of putting a bit of this and a bit of that into the shaker.

Eventually, Berry spoke with a shrug. "I'm still unsure... I really don't have any need for extra help, and you're not exactly doing anything special that I can't do."

Ok, I guess I'm gonna have to wow her, and to do that, I'm gonna try something that I've seen plenty of bartenders back on Earth do. I'm sure I can do it, I mean, how hard could it be?

I then grabbed the next bottle Berry asked for, but instead of immediately pouring its contents into the shaker, I surprised her when I tossed the bottle into the air and quickly turned around, ready to catch it backwards with my other hand and impress her. However, nothing landed in my hand, and I soon flinched when I heard glass shattering.

With my face in a grimace, I forced one eye open and saw that I had accidentally flung the bottle through one of the front windows, completely shattering it. I then slowly turned back to Berry and saw that she was shaking her head while doing the pony version of a facepalm--facehoof I think they're called.

"You know what?" Berry said, still facehoofing. "I'll call you..."

I took that as an opportunity to leave. "Eh...y-yeah... Come on girls, lets go..."

Octavia nervously nodded. "Good idea." She got up, then went for the door.

"I don't get what the big deal is," Vinyl said with a smirk on her face. "It's not like this is the first time that window has been broken--heck, I've broken it a few times! Once, I even dived through it!"

Berry groaned in annoyance before saying, "Well I guess I know who to bill for those instances and this."

Vinyl's eyes widened in shock before she turned to me with a more neutral expression on her face. "You just had to be all fancy an' shit, didn't you, Maurice?"

Our next stop was a store with a sign at the front showing the image of a quill and couch. With a sign like that, you'd think that was all they sold, but no, mattresses were also in their inventory; the evidence of this being that Vinyl was currently laying on one.

"Oh...wow~ You guys, you have to try this! It's sooo comfy!"

"I'd rather not," Octavia said, refusing to hop on the bed.

"Oh come on, give it a try!" Vinyl begged, patting the empty half of the bed.

"Ugh," Octavia sounded in disgust as she turned away from Vinyl. "Vinyl, that's the showroom demonstration model; who knows who else has been rolling around on that bed."

Vinyl shrugged. "Fine, suit yourself." She then turned towards me, a smirk on her face as she patted the bed again. "Maurice?"

I backed away a bit. "You know, Octavia kinda has a point there, and I'd rather find someone who works here so I can ask if there's an opening."

"Did'ya just ask for somepony who works here?" asked an approaching brown stallion wearing a blue salesman vest. Once he reached us, his eyes went to Vinyl. "Oh, I see you're interested in the Blissful Sleep: Mark Seven model." He then leaned against the bed's headboard. "This here beauty is the latest advancement in mattress engineering; she's designed with absolute comfort in mind, built with magically altered bits of cloud in the stuffing, and it's so soft you could jump on it without your sleeping significant other even noticing! Ah, and lets not forget this added little feature!" He then pressed a button on the headboard, causing the mattress to start vibrating.

"OoOoOoOh, tHiS iIiS AwWwesome!" Vinyl cooed, her voice reverberating along with the bed as she stared at the ceiling. When the stallion pressed the button again, the bed stopped shaking, causing Vinyl to immediately lift her head and turn to Octavia. "Octy! We HAVE to buy this!"

With her eyes half shut, Octavia replied with a humoring tone in her voice. "Very well, Vinyl, we can either pool what few bits we can spare for the bed, or...we can have food for the next two months..."

"Huh," Vinyl muttered, her hoof to her chin, looking as if she were weighing her options.

A few seconds of this and Octavia slowly began lurching her head forward, staring wide eyed at Vinyl. "Wait... You can't actually be considering this?!"

With a dismissive wave of her hoof, Vinyl said, "Hold on, hold on, I'm thinking."

Octavia continued. "You...do realize that decision would effect all three of us, and all for a glorified mattress that only you would benefit from."

"But it's a mark..." Vinyl turned back to the salespony. "What was it again?"

"Seven."

"Seven, Octy! Seven!" Vinyl shouted as she quickly turned back to Octavia. "That's like way better then five and six!"

As the two began to bicker over the bed, I chose now to speak with the salespony.

"Uh, listen...I've heard through some friends of mine that this place was hiring, and I was wondering if there were any positions available."

"Oh, well actually ther--" He stopped mid-sentence before he started shaking his head with a nervous smile. "Nope, sorry! Those positions have already been filled!" I found it strange that he wasn't looking at me, but instead, somewhere else. When I turned in the direction he was facing, I spotted an older looking stallion wearing a 'Manager' tag on his vest, who immediately stopped shaking his head when I looked at him.

Fine, I get it. You don't want the strange creature working in your store.

I sighed, then turned back to the first stallion. "Oh, well that's too bad. Thanks for your help anyway..." I then made for the exit. "Come on, Vinyl, Tavi; 'nother bust..."

"Alight, this one, then one more for the day," Octavia said after several more times of I've been turned down, giving me this strange feeling that not everyone wants to hire the weird looking alien who just moved into town recently. This time, we were standing outside of a cottage which had, hanging over the door, a sign with the image of three candies as well as words above them that read 'Sweetie Drops''.

Once we walked in after Vinyl opened the door for us, I looked around, and it didn't take long for me to realize that this place was a candy shop; this was made obvious by the sign outside, as well as barrels placed around the store, each filled to the brim with a wide variety of different sweets. My attention was soon drawn towards the counter, where a cream coated earthpony mare with a curly blue and pink mane sat behind, her expression bored as she used her hoof to push a lemon drop around on the flat surface.

"Hey, Bon Bon," Vinyl casually greeted.

"Hey, Vinyl," Bon Bon halfheartedly answered, her attention still on the lemon drop.

Vinyl walked up to the counter, stood on her hindlegs, and placed an elbow on it. "Slow day today?" she asked.

"Yeah, you could say that--hey!"

"What?" Vinyl said around the lemon drop she just snatched from Bon Bon using her magic, then unceremoniously plopped into her mouth.

Bon Bon grimaced. "Ew, Vinyl, that fell on the fl--" She became silent as her eyes widened, just now noticing me. "Oh no..."

With a nervous smile, I raised a hand and slowly waved it. "Uh...hi."

"Oh, right." Vinyl smacked her lips a few times around the candy before pointing back at me. "Don't be afraid, Bonny. He's just a--"

"I know very well what he is," Bon Bon interrupted, her voice tense but low. She looked around, then spoke in a more hushed tone. "Are you crazy bringing him here?! Quick, get him out of here before--" A door leading to a backroom opened, allowing a unicorn mare wearing an apron to walk through; she had a mint coat, an extremely light cyan green mane and tail with white streaks, yellow eyes, and a cutie mark of what I believe to be some kind of harp.

"Hey uh, Bon Bon," the new mare said, removing the apron with her magic, then began folding it. "I just finished wrapping up all the--" She dropped the apron when she spotted me in her peripheral vision, her head slowly turning towards me before adopting a shocked expression.

Oh no... She's not gonna scream, is she? I thought as I was frozen in place, too scared to make any movements out of fear of startling her. Eventually, I raised my hands defensibly.

"It's ok, I-I know I look a little strange, but I'm not gonna hur--"

"Oh," she uttered, causing me to raise a brow.

"'Oh'?" I repeated.

"Oh. My. Gosh..." Suddenly, and much to my confusion, she flashed a smile big enough to rival Pinkie's. "Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh!" she exclaimed while hopping in place. I was then completely taken by surprise when she jumped onto then off the counter, diving towards me before colliding and knocking me on my back.

"Agh!" I yelled as I hit the floor, the wind knocked out of me by the unicorn who was now on my chest.

"Lyra!" Octavia yelled. This, Lyra character ignored her, and instead used her magic to yank my hand up to her face.

"Oh my gosh!" she yelled for quite possibly the umpteenth time, using her hooves to feel up my hand's palm and fingers. She then looked down at me, crazed excitement in her eyes. "You're here! You're actually here! I-I have so many questions, like, wh-what's it like having fingers?! What do you eat?! And and and what's your world like and what do you miss most from it?!"

Since I was still trying to get the air back in my lungs, I chose to only answer that last one. "The interne--hey!" I pulled my hand back when she started nibbling on one of my fingers! "Bad pony! Bad!" I shouted as I swatted away her hooves that were trying to regain a hold on my hands. I shoved Lyra off my chest, then quickly rolled onto my stomach and pushed myself up. Once I was on my feet, I ran behind Octavia and used her as a shield, her being my only line of defense against this nutjob.

"Don't be scared," Lyra said with that crazed smile and look in her eyes. Each time she tried to make a move around Octavia, I moved in the opposite direction.

Vinyl rubbed her chin with a hoof. "Oh yeeeah... I kinda forgot that Lyra has that weird hooman obsession of hers."

Lyra stopped in her tracks, then turned and pointed accusingly at Vinyl, "It's HUMAN, you uneducated swine!" Vinyl just stood there, seeming to not know on how to take that comment.

"Human obsession?!" I shouted, not knowing how such a thing could be possible when I'm supposed to be Equestria's first and only human.

Octavia then tried to explain as I swiveled her around in order to better guard myself against the encroaching Lyra. "L-Lyra claims that, as a filly, she encountered a creature similar to your description!" Octavia made a short yelp when Lyra tried to pull a fast one, causing me to spin her a full three-sixty degrees a few times.

"It wasn't similar to a human, it was a human!" Lyra yelled, still trying to get to me.

"Lyra! Maurice! Please stop! I'm--I'm getting dizzy!" Octavia exclaimed. "Bon Bon! Didn't you say that Lyra was cured of this fixation years ago?! Isn't that why her parents sent her to all those institutions?!"

Bon Bon groaned before answering. "They did! But when Mayor Mare gave the town the heads up about him, she had a relapse!"

"Well do something!" Octavia begged.

Bon Bon sighed before saying, "Fine." She walked around the counter, then stood beside Lyra. "Hey, Lyra?"

"Yeah?" Lyra asked before turning to her...and receiving a bonk to the top of her noggin, delivered by Bon Bon. "Ow! Bonny, why?!" she cried, her face scrunched up in pain as she sat on her haunches, using her forehooves to rub her skull.

Bon Bon answered in a near deadpan tone. "Because you wouldn't leave the nice human alone." She then turned to Octavia and me. "I'm so sorry about my idiot. I'm actually considering putting her on a leash since she can be such a hoof-full sometimes."

Octavia spoke in a sympathetic voice "Oh it's, it's fine, really. We all have our...burdens to bare." She said that last part as her gaze shifted towards Vinyl.

Vinyl had her face twisting before saying, "Ugh, how'd a hair get on my tongue?"

"Anyway," Bon Bon said, regaining my attention. "You all came here for a reason. Are you here to buy some candy? I might throw in a few extra ones for you, Mr. Human, since Lyra was harassing you and everything."

"Oh um, it's Maurice," I replied. "And no, we didn't come here for candy."

"Really?" Bon Bon asked with a tilt of her head. "Then why else would you be here?"

Octavia decided to tell her. "Well you see, Vinyl and I are helping Maurice here with his job search; we've been leading him around the town since he can't differentiate between the businesses and regular homes, which I will admit was confusing for me as well when I first moved here." She shrugged. "So few establishments here are individually designed like the Carousel Boutique or Sugarcube Corner."

"Job search?" Bon Bon said. "Wait, you're not thinking that you can get him a job here?"

"Oh come on, Bonny," spoke Vinyl. "Don't tell me you're scared of him too?"

"What? No," Bon Bon replied with a quick shake of her head. "I'd love to hire him! Those spidery-hooves of his look like they'd be great for wrapping candies!" She then gestured at Lyra, who was still rubbing her head. "But I already got Lyra for that...and I pay her in candy! I don't exactly have the bits to hire real help, so I'm sorry, uh, Mari--Maurice, but I won't be able to pay you."

I was kinda glad that I found someone willing to hire me, but disappointed that they actually couldn't. "Well uh, thank's anywa--"

"I'll hire him!" shouted Lyra.

"You?!" Bon Bon questioned, staring at Lyra.

Lyra nodded, one hoof still atop her head. "Yeah, he can be my live-in butler!"

Bon Bon turned to me, then shook her head. "Don't do it, we live together, so I know for a fact that she can't afford you either."

I wasn't gonna accept anyway, because after Lyra made that offer, certain...leg-breaking scenes from the movie Misery were flashing through my mind.

"Uh, yeah... I'm just gonna go now..." I made for the door, then held it open as I turned back to the girls. "Vinyl? Octavia?"

"Coming," Octavia said, moving towards me, but stopped when Lyra placed a hoof on her shoulder.

"Hey uh, Octy, we're still good for orchestra practice later today, right?" Lyra asked.

Octavia nodded. "Of course. Have the girls come over at my place, same time as always."

Lyra smiled, saying. "Oh, cool." She then looked over to me. "I guess I'll see you later, Maaaurice."

I got goosebumps, and not the good kind...

The second I walked in, my nostrils were filled with the scent of freshly baked goods, which shouldn't be surprising since Sugarcube Corner was a bakery after all. You know, whoever designed this place really went all out; the exterior of the building resembled a gingerbread house, while the interior continued that theme but added its own flare with the candy-cane support pillars. At the other side of the door was a counter slash display case with delicious looking pastries seen through the glass while the rest of the room had a few tables and chairs here and there, providing customers with a place to sit down and enjoy their treats.

Vinyl and Octavia went to go sit at one of the tables while I walked over to the counter and placed my hand on top of the bell beside the register. The exact second I ringed it, Pinkie's head suddenly popped out from behind the counter like a whack-a-mole.

"Oh hi, Maurice!" she shouted in that hyper energetic voice of hers.

"Geez, Pinkie!" I yelled as I jumped back, hand on my chest as I felt my rapid heartbeat. "You scared me!"

"Heh heh, whoops," Pinkie said with a smile before giggling into her forehooves. "Guess I got to save some of that for the next Nightmare Night."

I responded once my heart-rate started to return to normal. "Well if that's some kind of competition, then you're definitely gonna win. I mean, who can compete with you in anything?" Strangely, I heard Vinyl cough something under her breath that sounded a lot like...wait, does she want a grilled cheese? 'Cause it kinda sounded like she said 'cheese sandwich'. "Anyway," I said before I got distracted. "Kinda looking for a job right now, Pinkie, and I was wondering if--"

Pinkie loudly gasped, cutting me off. "And you wanna work here?! With me?!" She then jumped into the air and shouted, "Well that would be super!" Ok, that's weird...gravity should have pulled her down by--oh wait, no, there it is. "If you worked here, then that would mean that we would be regular buddies and co-worker buddies!" She ducked behind the counter, then reappeared behind the saloon doors leading to a backroom. "It'll be all kinds of fun! We'd see each other almost every day! Share stories! Make some inside jokes that only us, super best buddies would get...until I tell Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity," I blinked, and the next thing I knew, she was gone, yet I heard her voice whisper into my ear, "and maybe Gummy."

Before giving her a chance to...do whatever she was doing, I turned and caught her with my hands. "Pinkie!" I yelled, my hand over her mouth in order to ensure that she wouldn't interrupt. "Please, stop breaking--no no no...obliterating the laws of physics and reality, 'cause you're really hurting my brain right now!"

With her eyes wide and focused on my own, she nodded. She then spoke when I removed my hand from her mouth. "Weeell," she said with a slow roll of her eyes, her voice the Pinkie version of serious. "You're basically asking me to not be Pinkie, buuut I'll try."

I gave her a scrutinizing look. "I can't help but feel like you just did something there..."

"What? Nooo," she said while rolling her head and giving a dismissive wave. :pinkiehappy:

There's that gut-feeling again, but...eh, whatever. "So was that a yes about the job thing?" I asked, Pinkie being quick to answer.

"Oh I don't know, that's up to Mr. and Mrs. Cake."

I took a longer than necessary breath to compose myself. "Okay...and where are they?"

"On vacation with Pumpkin and Pound Cake. They left me in charge of the place and won't be back for another week or two." My eyes widened, and one of them might have twitched... All that brain-hurt...and for nothing...

I sighed before releasing--never mind, Pinkie was missing from my grasp and was standing behind the counter again. I got up, then signaled at the girls for us to leave.

Once I made for the door, Pinkie said, "Aw, aren't you gonna get yourself a treat?"

"No," I calmly replied once I got the door open. "I just wanna go home and...I don't know, put some ice on my head, maybe." I then waved at her, saying, "Bye, Pinkie. Catch you later."

She waved back. "Bye bye, Maurice!" :pinkiesmile:

I closed the door behind me, then turned to Vinyl and Octavia, my silence cluing them in on whether my talk with Pinkie got me a job or not.

Octavia gave a reassuring smile. "Well...we'll try again tomorrow." I nodded while trying to put on a smile, then headed for the direction of home with the girls at my sides.

After passing a couple dozen cottages, I spotted a familiar face further up ahead. It was Fluttershy, and she was with a crying sky-blue unicorn filly whose lavender mane was braided back and rested on her shoulder.

"Oh, sweetie, please," Fluttershy said to the filly in a consoling tone. "I'd love to help you, but if you keep crying, then...then I'll start cry--"

"Fluttershy?" I asked, causing her to jump into the air before frantically turning to me.

"Oh, Maurice, you startled me," Fluttershy said, a hoof to her chest as she slowly lowered herself to the ground.

"Eh, sorry." My eyes went to the crying filly before I gestured at her. "Uh, who's this?"

"I don't know," Fluttershy somberly said as she turned back to the filly. "I found her aimlessly wandering around, so I think she's lost. I've tried asking her where her parents are, but--"

The filly then cried something in-between her loud sobs. "((Where am I?!))" Upon hearing her, my eyes widened in surprise as I thought to myself, No way...

Fluttershy's expression wavered before she embraced the filly in a hug. "Oh sweetie, I just don't understand you!" she said, allowing the filly to sniffle into her shoulder as she lightly caressed her back.

"Ah geez," Vinyl said, turning in the opposite dirrection we just came from. "I'll go get Pinkie; I'm pretty sure I've heard her singing in Spaneighish during that goof-off she had."

"Hold on," I said, causing Vinyl to look back at me in confusion. I then neared Fluttershy and the filly, but in order to not scare the foal, I sat on the ground with my legs folded, a few feet from the two. I then coughed into my hand to clear my throat. Alright, it's been a while, so here's hoping I'm not out of practice. "((Excuse me, little girl?))"

The filly's ears perked before she turned away from Fluttershy's hug, caution in her eyes as she examined me, yet curiosity in her voice when she asked, "((Y-you can understand me?))"

I nodded. "((Yes.))"

This seemed to amaze Octavia. "Maurice! You speak Spaneighish?!"

I rolled my eyes at her. "You may call it 'Spaneighish' here, but it's 'Spanish' where I come from. Also, I come from a Hispanic family, so of course I speak it."

"Hiss-pa-nick?" Vinyl uttered, her face grimaced in confusion.

I face-palmed before explaining. "Uh, basically, Hispanics are a Spaneighish speaking people in my world."

You know, when I first got here, I did find it strange that Twilight and everyone were speaking English--though they called it by something else that I can't remember right now--but Twilight suggested that the worlds must somehow influence each other, which would explain the similarities in this world with my own, such as similar languages, a few bits of technology here and there like Vinyl's turntable, and even certain legends--which in this world, many of them aren't. If there was any truth to this, then I was glad I ended up here in Equestria and not say, a world ruled by Cthulhu, dark lord of tentacle porn.

Fluttershy then quietly spoke up. "W-well can...can you ask her where her parents are?" I nodded, then proceeded to do so.

"((Are you lost? Where are your parents?))"

"((I don't know, I don't know!))" she cried, shaking her head while her eyes shed a fresh wave of tears before clutching onto Fluttershy.

"Maurice, what did you say?!" Fluttershy yelled, holding the filly tightly. "You've upset her!"

"I said what you told me to say!" I then decided to take a different approach. "((Uh, little girl, what's your name?))"

She looked back at me, wiped her cheek with a hoof, then answered. "((My name is...is Hermosa.))" Ok, so her parents named her 'Beautiful'...

"((Hey, Hermosa. My name is Maurice.))"

"((Ma...Maurice?))"

I nodded. "((Yeah, I know it's kind of a weird name. Listen, where was the last place you were with your parents? What were you all doing?))"

She took a moment to compose herself. "((We were outside of that giant castle, and there were a lot of other ponies with us trying to get a picture with the pretty princess. She wouldn't come out, so when we started to leave, I accidentally got separated from my parents...))"

Giant castle? Lots of other ponies? Trying to get a picture with a princess?

Once I figured it out, I got up. "Guys, I think her parents are with a tour group."

"A tour group?" Octavia said, a hoof on her chin. "Well I guess that would explain why she only speaks Spaneighish; must not be from this region."

"Thank you, Maurice," Fluttershy spoke, wrapping a wing around Hermosa. "I'm going to take her to town hall where those tours start. Hopefully her parents might be there."

"Whoa there, Fluttershy," I said. "I'm gonna go with you; don't want you passing her off to the first Spanish speaking couple you meet, thinking that they're her parents."

Fluttershy seemed to put some though into my offer before nodding. "O-okay."

"Well I guess Vinyl and I are heading home then, Maurice," said Octavia.

"You guys aren't gonna help?" I asked.

Vinyl shook her head. "Naw, you look like you got this handled, besides, I'm tired of walking and Octy's got her orchestra band coming over for practice soon."

I rubbed the back of my head. "Oh, well...I guess I'll see you guys later then."

Octavia then curtsied before Fluttershy. "It was wonderful meeting you, Fluttershy, a real pleasure."

"Oh, uh," Fluttershy awkwardly did her own curtsy. "Same."

"Alright, later you guys," Vinyl said with a wave as she and Octavia headed for the house, leaving me alone with Fluttershy and Hermosa.

Minutes later, Fluttershy and I brought Hermosa towards Ponyville's center where town hall was. As we neared, I spotted the same blue business coat wearing mare from before, this time she was with two other ponies, one an earthpony stallion, the other a unicorn mare, and both of them were yelling at her in Spanish.

"((Why aren't you doing anything?! Where's our daughter?!))"

"((She was with us one second, then gone the next! We have to find her!))"

By the expression on the coat-mare's face, it was obvious that she didn't understand them. "Now now, please stop yelling and calm down. I-I really don't understand what you're trying to tell me. Are you unsatisfied with the tour? If you are, well I'm sorry, but you've already taken it so you're no longer eligible for a refund."

The stallion turned to the mare "((What'd she say?))"

"((How should I know?!))" retorted the mare.

Before we got any closer, I stopped us, then turned to Hermosa. "((Are they your parents?))" I asked, pointing at the yelling couple.

Once she saw them, her eyes lit up before she slipped out from under Fluttershy's wing. "((Mommy! Daddy!))" she yelled, running towards them.

"((Hermosa?!))" shouted the two as they looked around, then spotted her, their faces breaking into relieved smiles before running towards her and meeting her halfway. The three collided into a frenzy of hugs, whimpers, and tears of joy.

"((Hermosa! Where have you been?!))" questioned the mother. "((You've had your father and I worried sick about you!))"

"((I'm sorry!))" Hermosa cried, her voice muffled by her parents' embraces. "((I got lost, but the nice monkey thing brought me here!))"

"What?" Fluttershy asked, probably wondering why I just face-palmed and groaned.

Hermosa and her parents then walked over to us. ((Thank you so much,))" Hermosa's father said, getting on his hindlegs to put a hoof on my shoulder...theeen started crushing me with a man hug strong enough to form diamonds...

Breathing suddenly became a struggle. "((I-It was n-nothin-- )) Jesus man, please let go, I can't brea--eh, ((I can't...breathe))."

"Oh," the stallion said, releasing me and giving an embarrassed smile before I received a less rib-shattering hug from the mother and--goddammit, Fluttershy! Why are you trying to get in on this too?! You don't even know what they're saying! They could be giving me the hug of death for all you know!

Eventually, and much to my relief, they got all of their physical gratefulness out of their system. I took a few much needed breathes before speaking. "((Y-you're welcome... But it wasn't me who found her.))" Fluttershy flinched when I pointed at her. "((It was her. I only asked Hermosa a few questions, so if you should be thanking anyone, it should be her. ))"

After thanking a nervous Fluttershy in a language she didn't understand, the mother then said, "((Hermosa, thank these two before we leave.))"

Hermosa, standing in-between her parents, then looked up at Fluttershy and I with a smile. "((Thank you, Ms. Pretty Pony, thank you, Maurice.))"

"((It was nothing,")) I said.

"Uh..." Fluttershy then tired to repeat what I just said. "D-de nada..."

As the family started to walk away, Fluttershy and I said our goodbyes before she headed home. Right as I was about to do the same, I was stopped when I felt someone's hoof on my shoulder.

"Well now," a female slyly said, turning to the voice revealed it to be the mare in the blue coat. Now that I'm not being blinded by flashing lights like before, I could see that her cutie mark was one of those coin operated binoculars you see at popular tourist spots. "The name's Sight-see, and I'd like to thank you for helping me with that problem," she shook her head with a smile, "don't know a lick of Spaneighish on me."

"Uh, you're welcome," I said with a raised brow as I got the feeling there was more to it than just thanking me.

Still smiling, Sight-see rolled her eyes. "You see, I've heard through the grapevine that a certain human has been going around town, looking for employment."

I made an amused 'pfft' before saying, "Wow, didn't know I was that popular."

"In a town like this, who isn't?" she quipped. "Anyway, let me get down to business. You see, I happen to run Ponyville's first officially endorsed tour company, Sight-see's Sightseers Tours--name pending."

I gave her a questioning look. "Tours? Here? Ponyville? What do you show them? Farmland and more farmland?"

"Hmm, funny. Actually, my business has been very successful; tour companies are a dime a dozen in places like Manehatten or Las Pegas and very rarely succeed because of the competition." She raised a hoof. "But there's one thing about Ponyville that all those other companies have failed to notice...a newly crowned princess lives here, one that everypony is gonna want to see."

Thinking back to her tour group I saw earlier, I saw that she probably had a point there, but still...

"And what does this have to do with me?" I asked.

"Well, as it turns out, not all tourists speak the same language, so I have several multilingual employees who are invaluable and absolutely necessary for their tours. I have ponies who can speak Prench, Germane, Chineighes, and Neighponese, but sadly, no Spaneighish speaking ones."

"Wait, are you--"

"Offering you a job? Yes. To put it simply, I need a tour guide for the Spaneighish speaking tourists and I just heard you with that family." She coyly tilted her head to the side. "So what do you say, you in?"

It was tempting, but still, there were some issues I wanted to address. "Um, aren't tourists going to be a little nervous if they're being led around by a hoo--," fucking Vinyl, "human?"

She grinned. "Kid, lot of these tourists are from far off places, so they're just gonna assume that humans are a regular thing to see around these parts."

Well, I guess that made some sense... "Ok, now...this may sound a little rude, but what about payment?"

"Accept the job and you'll make plenty." She then continued as she started to inspect her hoof. "I've got a sweet deal going on with the mayor; I lead the tours by a few of the town's businesses, they buy some snacks and souvenirs, and my company gets a cut of the profits. Just end the tour with a trip to the castle, and nopony complains. Also... tourists often have the habit of generously tipping their guides..."

My previously ground-scanning eyes focused on her when she said that last part; I really did need the money to help improve mine and the girls' living standards, and I wasn't exactly getting any offers, but still, I had doubts about tourists being comfortable around me simply because I spoke Spanish. I took a moment to weigh my options before reaching a decision.

"You know what, you've convinced me." I then extended my hand towards her, which she then shook. "I'm in."

Once I got home, I opened the front door and walked into the living room where I saw Octavia with five other mares, one of which was Lyra. They all stood in a half circle, Octavia holding onto Marchello while the others had their own instruments held in their hooves or magical aura.

I was then greeted by Octavia. "Ah, Maurice, welcome back. Vinyl's in her quarters and the ladies and I were just about to start our practice session."

"Uh, hello," I said, giving the mares a friendly wave. "Um, don't mind me, I'm just gonna rest up in my room."

Once I opened the door to my room, I heard Lyra give a fake yawn before saying, "You know, I'm starting to feel a little tired myself. Hey, Maurice, mind if we share the be--"

"Lyra..." Octavia said in a warning tone.

"Fine," Lyra replied after giving an annoyed 'humph'.

I got in my room, closed the door behind me, locked it because of Lyra, then threw myself onto my bed, my legs exhausted after the several miles I probably walked today. Since Octavia was having company right now, I decided that tomorrow was a better time to tell the girls about my newly acquired job. As I continued to rest, I heard Octavia's voice through the door.

"Alright then ladies, from the top."

Author's Note

Here's my patreon. Come on guys, I'd really like to go to my first ever convention. Babscon.

A Dress Code I Can Get Behind

"((And if you look over here, you'll see the remains of--er, I mean, a crater where the Golden Oaks Library once was.))"

That's weird, I thought to myself as I cautiously looked down said crater, wondering what happened to the burnt and twisted remains of the literal tree-house that Twilight once lived in; I know I'm not crazy and just imagined the thing since I'm pretty sure it was here during yesterday's tour. Nevertheless, I straightened my black tie, then turned back to the tour group I was leading before I started reciting in Spanish one of the many tour facts I was required to memorize.

"((During the Tirek incident, Princess Twilight Sparkle did everything in her power to minimize collateral damage, however, despite all of her efforts, only one building in the town was utterly destroyed,))" I gestured at the crater before finishing with, "((her own.))"

The twenty or so ponies in my tour group released an intrigued 'oooh' as they looked at one another before they started taking pictures of the crater. I moved off to the side a bit in order to give them an unobstructed shot, but occasionally, some of the tourists would approach me and ask if I could take their camera and take a shot of them with their friends or family members besides the crater, while others were more interested with having picture of themselves standing besides me, probably so they could brag back home about the strange creature they met on their vacation.

Minutes later, a tourist, a young mare by the looks of her, walked up to me. "((Excuse me, sir?))" she asked.

"Hmm?" I sounded as I turned to the mare, having just returned another tourist's camera after taking a quick shot of them with their friends.

The mare then pointed to an erect stone plaque sticking out of the ground a few feet away from falling into the gaping hole before asking, "((Can you tell me what it says on that thing?))"

"((Sure,))" I answered, walking towards it with the mare following closely. I then crouched before the plaque and began translating what was etched onto it. "((This plaque is to honor the hundreds of brave souls who lost their lives along with the Golden Oaks Library.))"

"((Wow, hundreds?))" the mare said, her head pulling back slightly. "((I was told that no one died during that Tirek crisis thing, I guess everyone back home heard wrong.))"

Actually, she'd be kinda right, yet kinda wrong. It was true that hundreds of lives went with the tree, but I wasn't going to be telling this mare that all of those lives lived in a beehive and that this little memorial was commissioned by Fluttershy...

I then stood up and immediately started clapping my hands, gaining my tour group's attention. "((Alright everyone, I hope you all have a sweet-tooth, because we're gonna make a stop at Ponyville's famous Sugarcube Corner before heading to the princess's castle.))"

"Awww, yeees," I uttered as I laid flat on a couch, using my balled up blue coat as a pillow while I stretched my arms towards the ceiling. After finishing today's tours, I made it back to the building rented by Sight-see for her company's use and decided to lounge in the break-room for a quick breather.

I wasn't the only one here, as two other guides were also present. The one feeding bits into the break-room's vending machine was a French-speaking unicorn stallion by the name of Pierre, whose light-brown coat perfectly complimented his blonde mane and tail, while his cutie mark was the image of a stone pillar with a chisel and hammer ready to carve into it. The other, who was sitting over at the table with a cup of coffee in her hooves, was a Japanese-speaking pegasus mare whose name was Sora; she was light-blue with a short-cut cloud-grey mane and tail, and her cutie mark was that of a single feather drifting over the image of a rain-cloud.

"Hey, uh, do either of you have an extra bit? I'm one short," said Pierre with surprisingly little accent as he looked from Sora to me.

"Sorry, Pierre," I said, giving him a shrug and a small smile. "Well's run dry today." That was a lie. I did have some bits in my pocket given to me by the tourist as tips, but there was a reason I wasn't spotting him.

Pierre rolled his eyes, then turned to Sora. "Sora?"

Without looking at him, Sora released an irritated sigh before using a wing to reach into her coat's pocket then pulled it out moments later with a bit balanced in-between two of her feathers. "Here," she said as she tossed the bit at Pierre with a flick of her wing, then took a sip of her coffee.

Pierre caught the bit in mid-air with his magic, then smiled at Sora as he fed it into the machine. "Thanks, Sora; you're always sweet on me."

Sora looked away from her coffee and gave Pierre an annoyed look. "Yeah? Well you still owe me for all those other times I've been 'sweet on you'."

Before punching in the number code for the snack he wanted, Pierre turned to Sora while leaning his side against the machine. "Oh, well I was hoping for when you might ask that." Pierre flashed her a toothy grin before saying, "How does dinner and a movie sound?"

Sora rolled her eyes while releasing an amused scoff. "Those would sound lovely...if they weren't with you... I think I'd have a better time with Maurice here instead." I winced while uttering a silent 'Oooh'.

Shot down again, Pierre... Well, buck up, champ, and keep at it; after all, you and Sora...I ship it.

"Oh come on, Sora," I spoke as I grinned at her. "Throw Pierre a bone, even if it's just a pity date."

"I could do pity," Pierre said with a quick nod.

Sora used a wing to the rub the bridge of her nose as she said something in Japanese. "((You@#$%^&*!@#$idiots...))"

I then turned to Pierre before lightheartedly saying, "Aw...she thinks we're idiots. That, or she called us cows in Spaneighish."

Sora sighed before giving me an unamused look. "Right, I forgot that you speak a little Neighponese..."

"Yup," I smugly said as I crossed my arms over my chest.

It was true that I could speak a little Japanese, but I only knew the most basic of words and sentences since I only completed Japanese 1 and 2 back at the college before getting zapped here. The reason I chose to learn Japanese in the first place was because I wanted to be able to watch anime without needing to read the English captions; it kinda worked, but I could only pick up bits and pieces of what would be said, plus it probably doesn't help that I'm extremely out of practice, dulling what few skills I had with the language. As for French however, the only words I knew were baguette, omelette du fromage, and ménage à trois--that last one causes Pierre to giggle each time I ask for its meaning.

Right before Pierre was about to say something, the door opened and Sight-see walked in, causing me to quickly sit up on the couch, and the other two to go silent.

"Gentlemare and stallions..." Sight-see said, her facial expression stern and her gaze hard as she slowly looked from me to the others then back again. "It's the end of the week, so you all know what that means..." My breathing quickened and I could feel my heart beating in my chest as I awaited for her to continue. "It's time," she reached a hoof into her coat then pulled out three sealed envelopes from it, "for your paychecks!" she cheerfully yelled with a smile, completely destroying the hard-assed boss facade she likes to sometimes pull.

At the sight of our paychecks, Pierre, Sora and I all cheered before jumping together into a group hug as confetti rained over us, multiple camera flashes went off, and the song We Are The Champions by Queen was being played...or...maybe we all just humble accepted our checks and I was only one of us who wished for that to have happened...

After cashing a portion of my paycheck and depositing the rest into my account, I made my way home as I chewed on an apple I purchased along the way from Applejack. I don't know how, but the fruit in this world is...is freaking delicious! Each bite I took from this apple came with a satisfying crunch sound as well as a torrent of juicy flavor washing over my taste-buds, making me question what the hell I've been eating all of my life back on Earth! However, despite all this, there was still an empty feeling inside of me; a deep, cavernous void that could only be filled by...cheeseburgers.

Even though I sprinkle most of my food with the powdered remains of chew-able tablets composed of the necessary animal proteins my body needs, given to me in a bottle by Twilight after she gives me a check up, I still craved a nice steak. It sucks being an omnivore in a herbivore's world, as the craving got so bad, that a few minutes ago, I actually considered asking Applejack if any of her cows, pigs, or chickens have committed any crimes against Equestria and deserve to be on death-row, possibly giving me my meat fix.

I sighed, then took one final, hearty bite of my apple before tossing the core in a nearby trash bin. As I chewed, I tried not to imagine a nice...c-charbroiled burger...with, with a sesame-seed bun and the patty just slathered in thousand island sauce, all held in the hands of a gorgeous supermodel wearing nothing but a bikin--wait.... I think I'm confusing this with a commercial I saw back home... Shit, I think meat isn't the only thing I'm craving...

I then shook my head, trying to Etch-a-sketch those thoughts away. When I stopped, I realized I had made it home, as the house was right ahead of me. Right as I made it to the door and started reaching my hand towards it, I heard a familiar voice coming from behind.

"Hey, Maurice!"

I smiled before turning around to face the source of the voice. "Hey, Ditzy," I said with a friendly wave as I greeted her.

Ditzy, she was a gray pegasus with a blonde mane and tail, yellow eyes, and had what appeared to be the image of bubbles as a cutie mark, also, there was one final note-worthy detail about her...it was about her eyes...well, lets just say that one of them is focused on me and the other...isn't... She was also the local mail-mare, which, if you didn't know, was made obvious by the blue mail-mare uniform she was wearing, as well as the brown totem bag hanging over her shoulder that was filled to the brim with mail.

Lowering my eyes to Ditzy's side, I saw that she wasn't alone; besides her was her daughter, Dinky. Dinky was a young unicorn filly who was a pale purple and whose mane, tail, and eyes were the same color as her mother's; as for cutie mark however, she had none. I saw that Dinky was also carrying a brown bag, but hers was filled with rolled up newspapers, which made sense since she delivered them as a part-time job. Since their jobs both required them to go from door to door, the mother-daughter duo would often make their rounds together.

I then walked up to the two, got on my knee, and started ruffling Dinky's hair. "And hello to you too, Dinky!"

"Maurice, stop!" Dinky giggled as she tried to playfully swat my hands away. As she squealed, she turned to her mother for assistance. "Mom, make him stop!"

Ditzy slyly smiled. "I don't know, sweetie..." She then lowered herself and began nuzzling her daughter's hair with her face as she said, "Humans just know cute when they see it!"

"Mom!" Dinky yelled as she laughed, trying to force my hands away as well as her own mother.

After deciding that that was enough teasing, I got up, patted off the dirt from around the knees of my black business pants, then spoke to Ditzy.

"So, Ditzy, ya here to drop off the mail?"

The mail-mare stopped her daughter-nuzzling, then turned to me. "Mhmm," she sounded with a nod before opening her bag, securing some envelopes in her mouth, then offering them to me as she tried to speak around them. "Herr yah goh."

I accepted the envelopes, then began looking through them.

"Bill...bill...coupons...restaurant menus...I may have already won a million bits....'nother bill...aaand," I inspected the last envelope at both sides before stating, "huh, it's from the program..." Has it been a month already? If it was from the program, then there was only one thing it could be. As if the envelope was a baby lion and I was at the edge of some cliff, I held the envelope up as I happily exclaimed, "Yes! This is just what we needed!" I turned to Ditzy and Dinky, then wrapped them up in a hug that I just had to release. "Thank you!" I said to the two.

"Uh...you're welcome?" the both of them said in unison as they patted my back.

After an awkward moment or two, Dinky said, "Are you gonna let go, Maurice?"

"Oh, right." I let go of the two, got up, then gave them a sheepish smile as I nervously rubbed the back of my head. "Heh heh...sorry..."

Ditzy rolled her eyes--which in that split second, were both focused in one direction--as she lightly shook her head. "Well, we'll see you later, Maurice. We have some more deliveries to make before I have to leave Dinky with the sitter."

"That's right!" Dinky called out before she leaned in, blocked her mother from her sight with a hoof, then said in a mock whisper, "Mom's got a date with Time Turner tonight~"

Ditzy's face blushed before she pulled her daughter back. "Oh don't go around telling ponies that!" she scolded with slight embarrassment in her tone.

"What?" Dinky said with a shrug. "I think he's a good influence on you."

"Hey, who's the mom here?!" Ditzy rhetorically asked before patting her chest with a hoof. "I am, so lets just finish our deliveries already."

"Fine," Dinky said with a roll of her eyes and head as she made a few steps towards the neighboring cottage, only to stop when her mother called her name.

"Dinky... Are you forgetting something?"

Dinky turned back to her mom. "What? What could I be forge--oh!" She then walked up to me and used her magic to pull out one of the newspapers from her bag before floating it over to me. "Here you go, Maurice."

"Well thank you, Dinky," I said as I took hold of the newspaper. I removed the rubber-band that kept it rolled up, unfurled it, then gave the headliner for The Daily Equestrian a quick skim.

SEVERAL MONTH-LONG SPEAKEASY CASE DROPPED
DUE TO LACK OF EVIDENCE AS WELL AS THE JURY MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARING

Huh, well this ought to be an interesting read. I folded the newspaper in half, placed it and the rest of the mail under my armpit and secured it there, then started fishing around in one of my pockets.

"Here you go, Dinky," I said as I pulled out a bit, then offered it to her.

Her face lit up before the bit was surrounded in a golden aura then floated into her bag. "Thanks, Maurice!" she yelled as she went to go join her mother, the two of them waving at me as they walked away.

I waved back, and once they were far enough away, I turned back to the door, opened it, then walked in.

"Hello?" I called, checking to see if Vinyl or Octavia were home. Seconds later, the door to Vinyl's room opened before the unicorn herself stuck her head out.

"Oh, sup, Maurice. Octy's probably still at the club. Ya just got off work?" she asked.

I walked over to the living room, dropped the newspaper and mail atop of the coffee table, removed my blue coat and draped it over one of the couch's armrests, leaving me in just my white collared long sleeved shirt, black tie and business pants, then plopped my butt onto the couch before releasing a satisfied sigh. "Ehyup," I said towards the ceiling. "Had a busy day sellin' tours and tour accessories I tell ya hwhut."

Vinyl stepped out of her room, then stared at me with curious amusement. "What? Is that ah...another human reference thingy?"

I rested my back against the couch, then let my body go limp as I started to slide down sideways. Once I rested horizontal on the couch, I grinned at Vinyl before gesturing at myself and saying, "Oh Vinyl, draw me like one of your Prench girls~"

She lightly chuckled. "You hoomans are freaking weird sometimes."

"Hey," I said as I pointed at her. "That's racie--eh," my eyes scanned around the room before I picked a better fitting word, "specie-ist..."

Vinyl mirthfully rolled her eyes with a shrug. "Eh, whatev's." She looked to the front door, then to me. "So I think I heard you yelling something outside, ya mind filling me in?"

Oh, right. I coughed into my hand before I sat up on the couch, held out the envelope towards her, then wavered it as I said in a singsong tone, "Guess what probably came in the mail today~"

A magical aura enveloped the envelope before Vinyl floated it over to herself. Once it was close enough, without even reading the return address, she ripped the top section off, then pulled out what was inside. From where I was sitting, it looked like a check, and once Vinyl's eyes finished skimming it, her jaw dropped.

"Holy crap," was all she said for a while, her eyes constantly fixated on the check, and her mouth moving but no words being uttered. Soon enough, she remembered how to speak again. "M-Maurice...you need to have some of your hooman friends move in here with us...we have more than enough for this month's rent, and then some!"

I half scoffed, half laughed, thinking that that was a funny thought. Pfft, like we have any more rooms for them; I'm not sharing, so just for the lulz, I'd probably arrange for Chris to move in with Lyra as that live-in-butler she wanted, then have Will live with...I don't know...uh, Rainbow Dash, I guess.

"Well we should celebrate," I said as I loudly clasped my hands together.

"Fuck yeah we should celebrate!" Vinyl yelled. "We should go out for burritos or something!"

I managed to stop my inner Mexican from having me stereotypically say 'Fuck yeah, burritos!', as I thought of something better than what Vinyl suggested.

"Actually," I said with a shrug. "I was thinking more along the lines of pizza."

"...Or we could go for pizza," Vinyl spoke, saying that as if she were the one to come up with the idea.

I had my pointer finger half-raised and my mouth half-open, ready to call her out on stealing my idea, but instead I decided it was best not to argue and just roll with it. "Yeah...great idea..." I reluctantly said before I got up from the couch, then made my way for the front door.

"Where are you going?" Vinyl asked as she looked at me with a raised brow. "We can just order to have it delivered."

I stared at her in disbelief. "You can do that?!" How were we going to order it? As far as I knew, Equestria had no phones. "How?" I asked.

She made an amused huff before she walked over to the coffee table and started sifting through the rest of the mail. "See this?" Vinyl asked as she levitated one of the restaurant menus, this one being for a pizza parlor. "Just look it over for what you want, then I'll tell you how we're...gonna..." To my confusion, Vinyl had become silent, and I noticed that her gaze was on the newspaper that was now unearthed from the mound of mail it was under.

Ten seconds later, I placed my hand on her shoulder and lightly shook her. "Vinyl?" I asked, seeming to snap her out of her trance-like state.

"Oh, uh..." She looked at me, then gave a grin. "Sorry, zoned out for a second there. Uh, like I said, just look over the menu, pick out what you'd like, and then I'll show you how we're gonna order it. While you do that," she made a move for the kitchen, "I'm just gonna...grab something to drink real quick."

"Um...alright," I said in a questioning tone, suspicious over Vinyl's slight change in behavior; she seemed...I don't know, strange. After a few seconds, I dropped that thought, as I was probably over-thinking things. I started reading from the menu, seeing colorful illustrations of the ingredients right next to their names. However, when I neared the end of the menu, I noticed that the pictures had stopped when I got to a smaller boxed off area labeled 'Carnivore's Section'. I reread it multiple times just to make sure I wasn't crazy.

"Uh...Vinyl?" I called into the kitchen.

"Yeah?" I heard her say.

"Is there a meat section in this menu?"

"Oh, uh, yeah," she answered. "It's for griffons and diamond dogs and other stuff like that; they're usually prepared by those species since most ponies wouldn't feel comfortable if they had to."

I was about to question where they got their meat, but decided that it would be better if I didn't know and chose to stick with my previous mentality of criminally insane death-row farm animals.

After giving the bland carnivore section a quick scan, I was about to tell Vinyl what I'd want, but didn't when I whiffed something in the air. It was a thick smell that stung at the back of my nose and smelled a lot like...SMOKE! Quickly deducing that it was coming from the kitchen, I ran into it and saw that Vinyl was standing before the kitchen's metal waste basket that had something burning in it.

My eyes quickly jumped from her to the small fire before I yelled, "Vinyl, the fuck!?"

She rolled her eyes as she said, "Oh relax!" She used her magic to move the waste basket into the sink, then turned the faucet on, putting out the flames with a short sizzle.

Immediately, I opened the kitchen window, grabbed my coat off of the couch, then used it to fan out what remained of the smoke. "The hell was that?!" I questioned after a few coughs before I peeked into the waste basket to see the remains of a soaked, blackened and scorched newspaper.

With her forelegs resting atop the sink, Vinyl sighed before saying, "There's something you should know about me, Maurice."

"Yeah?" I asked as I considered the possibility that maybe I wasn't over-thinking things after all.

"I..." she turned to me, then quickly finished with a shrug, "like to burn things."

I slowly crossed my arms over my chest as I gave her a questioning gaze. "You...like to burn things?" I skeptically asked, my brow gradually raising.

"Mhmm," she sounded with a nod. "I'm a big ol' pyro; if it burns, I've burned it!"

I got this feeling that she wasn't being truthful, but then again...it'd be a misconception if I said that Vinyl wasn't one for doing things like this on a whim. Heck, last week, Vinyl 'borrowed' one of Pinkie's party cannons that she keeps stashed around town and tried to convert it into a, quote unquote, 'Bass Cannon'; the thing was just a regular cannon with bits of wiring and old turntable parts that Vinyl just slap-dashed onto it with tape and glue, when she fired it out back, the shrapnel launched from the thing nearly took my head off...

I made a deep cleansing sigh before reaching into the waste basket and pulling out what little that survived of the newspaper. I then gestured at it, saying, "Well the next time you feel like burning the newspaper, ya mind at least sparing me the comic section?"

"Will do, but no promises," she said with a quick salute.

"Anyway," I said as I dropped the newspaper back into the waste basket. "I chose what I'd want on the pizza, so how are we going to order it?"

"Oh, right." Vinyl then used her magic to retrieve the pizza menu that I left on the kitchen table.

"You're not gonna burn that too, are you?" I asked, causing her to grin.

Vinyl then took the time to carefully explain how we would be ordering pizza without leaving the house, and from what she described, it sounded very similar to a method Twilight uses when she sends letters to Celestia. Basically, restaurant menus sent through the mail usually come with sheets of enchanted paper attached to the back. All we had to do was rip one of the sheets out, write down what we'd like to order on it, burn it with any available source of flame, then wait as it reappears at the establishment's place it came from where someone will look it over, have it prepared, then sent; in short, it was text messaging in physical form.

Minutes later, Vinyl turned on the stove, then floated our filled out order sheet over the lit burner where it went up in embers quicker than I expected. Another minute later, the stove made a ding noise before I watched Vinyl with confusion as she opened the oven section of the stove and pulled out a small note from it; it was from the pizza parlor, telling us that our order has been confirmed and that they thanked us for choosing their establishment.

"Huh," I uttered as I looked at the note in a strange combination of intrigue and bewilderment.

"Sooo the pizza should be here within thirty minutes or so," Vinyl said as she used her hoof to move a stray strand of her hair from over her eyes.

"Great," I said as I walked into the living room. "So what do we do until then?"

I then heard Vinyl say from behind, "Oh, I can think of a few things..."

"Like wha--" The second I turned around, Vinyl tackled into me, knocking me onto the couch before she started trying to get a hold of my head with her hooves. So I guess the answer to my interrupted question is what we usually do when we're bored with nothing to do: roughhouse.

I managed to force Vinyl off, then shoved her a few feet away. I got up from the couch, rolled up my sleeves, then held my arms wide apart as I yelled, "Come at me br--oh God, you're coming at me..." I shut my eyes and tensed my muscles as I braced myself for her incoming tackle...

"Ok...do it again," I said with a smile on my face as Vinyl and I were on the floor, the both of us slightly out of breath from our earlier tussle as we laid our backs and stared at the ceiling that was slowly changing color from orange to red due to the sunset shining through the house's windows.

"Alright, hold on." Vinyl coughed into her hoof a few times before her horn glowed, causing her voice to change in pitch and tone. "HoOoOw AbOuUt THIIIS?" She coughed into her hoof again. "Better? Testing, one, two."

"Oh my God!" I exclaimed in a near fan-boy squeal as I slapped my cheeks with my hands. I flipped myself onto my stomach, then stared at Vinyl with a goofy grin on my face. "You sound just like Morgan Freeman!"

One thing that I leaned about this world, is that most unicorns have a certain specialty when it comes to their magic; that specialty is usually associated with their professions, such as entertainers being able to cast dazzling light shows, Rarity's ability to just poof seemingly random fabrics together to make clothing, or in Twilight's case, just magic in general. Vinyl's however, was sound magic, which I found out was her specialty when she one day made me sound like I was being auto-tuned while I was singing in the shower--she claimed that it was the only way to keep her ears from bleeding... Anyway, it took a while, but I finally succeeded after guiding her into raising or lowering her pitch until I heard that majestic, golden voice of one of my favorite actors again.

Vinyl rolled her eyes with a shrug. "I have no idea who this 'Morgan Freeman' is, or why you have such a raging boner for the guy; just sounds like an old man to me, but eh, whatever floats your boat."

I pointed at her accusingly. "Hey! ...If I did go gay for someone, it'd be for his voice--and I'm probably not alone in this; that man could read laundry tags and make them sound interesting!"

I was about to rant some more, but a knock at the door stopped me.

"Oh, pizza's here," Vinyl said as we both got up from the floor.

"Alright," I said as I retrieved the bits for the pizza off the kitchen table. "I got this."

I went to the door, opened it, then spotted at the other side what appeared to be a teenage stallion wearing the pony equivalent of a pizza delivery uniform and hat. He was a unicorn and had the pizza bag balanced on his back; also he'd probably seen me around town giving tours before, as he didn't seem intimidated in the slightest by the sight of me.

"He's your pizza," the stallion said as he floated out three pizza boxes from his bag, one each for Octavia, Vinyl, and myself.

After giving him the bits, plus tip, he gave me the pizza. "Thanks ma--" Morgan Freeman's voice cut me off.

"Oh, my little hooman~! Aren't you gonna come back to bed and diddle my nethers again something fierce?"

My jaw dropped before I darted my head back, looking into the house but failing to see Vinyl; I could instantly tell that she was saying all that from the kitchen! With wide eyes, I quickly turned back to the delivery boy and saw that he was giving me a look, not one of fear or worry, but a questioning one.

Holding the pizzas at my side, I raised my free hand defensibly. "No, dude! It's not what you thin--"

"Is that a young, strapping gentlestallion caller with you at the door, honeybuns? Would he like to join in? We've got plenty of tapioca pudding left~! Does he like Bingo? Oh we should tell him about that magical first-meeting we had at the local Bingo tournament in the senior citizens' lodge."

I was speechless, I tried to explain to the delivery boy, but all that escaped from my mouth was incomprehensible noise; the fact that I was still a bit sweaty and red from my roughhousing with Vinyl probably didn't help...

"Listen man," the stallion nervously said as he began to slowly back away. "Whatever you do with whoever of whatever age is none of my business...I-I got some other pizzas to deliver, so..." He turned around, then power walked away.

I closed the door, turned around in one robotic movement, then said out loud, "Son of a bitch, Vinyl... I'll get you for this..."

I heard her regular voice laughing from the kitchen...

After eating four pizza slices with extra cheese and sauce, as well as pepperoni and sausage for toppings, my meat fix was satiated for now. I laid back on the couch and patted my belly while Vinyl sat besides me, eating her second pizza slice that had bits of hay-bacon atop of it; she didn't seem to mind one bit that I was eating meat besides her, as she stated earlier that she knew some griffons back in Canterlot who she would often have lunch with.

I then reached towards the pizza boxes on the coffee table for another slice, but paused when I realized that one more would most likely give me stomach problems for the rest of the day. Wanting to save the rest for later, I picked my box up then carried it over to the fridge where I placed it in inside. Right when I was about to close the fridge, I noticed a brown paper bag sitting at the top shelf. Out of curiosity, I pulled it out, opened it, then looked inside where I found a water bottle, two apples, and a plastic wrapped PB&Hay sandwich. I sighed, realizing who this belonged to.

I walked back into the living room, then held the bag up as I said, "Tavi forgot her lunch."

Vinyl looked at it, then spoke in-between chews of her pizza. "Sheriously? Ockty's prohbabl--" She swallowed. "Octy's probably been starving this whole time, and she still has to be at that club for another hour and a half..."

My eyes scanned the floor below me, then shifted towards the two remaining pizza boxes on the coffee table before I came to a decision. With a confused look on her face as she ate, Vinyl watched as I grabbed Tavi's pizza box, then pulled out two slices from it before wrapping them in tinfoil and placing them in the paper bag.

With the bag held firmly in my hand, I made for the front door, then heard Vinyl say, "You're gonna bring her her lunch, aren't cha?" Without looking back at her, I raised my arm and gave the thumbs up as I walked out of the house.

It was already night by the time I reached the jazz club Tavi played at. It was a modern looking building that easily stood out from the crowd of cottages that surrounded it, what with its finely polished black-painted walls, crimson roof, and flashing neon sign above the entrance that read 'The Hoof Tapper~' followed by the moving image of a hoof raised one second, then slammed down the next.

Just as I neared the entrance, a burly earthpony bouncer stood before me, blocking me. He had his hoof raised as he looked me top to bottom, and I knew why; The Hoof Tapper had a dress code, which I think is pretty silly since walking around naked is considered normal for ponies--you can not believe the amount of times I had to awkwardly avert my eyes when a pony drops something, then bends down to pick it up in front of me. Anyway, what the bouncer was looking for was formal wear, which I think my white collared shirt, black tie and business pants--which was three-fourths of my tour guide uniform, by the way--was close enough fit their criteria since he gave me a pass. As I walked in, I straightened my tie with a smile; while all the other kids wanted to walk around with their snapback hats and saggy jeans, I was the only one who wanted to wear a nice suit, as I was more into class than...ugh...'Swag'...

After being welcomed by a mare in the greeting room, I walked past another set of doors and entered a large, brightly lit room with polished hardwood flooring, red-painted walls, tables with candles in glass holders atop them, and finally, a bar at one side of the room and a stage at the other. Looking around, I could see that most of the tables were filled by pony couples wearing some form of attire or another; most of the stallions simply wore a tie-vest combo, while the mares wore dresses that better complimented their fur or mane color.

I made a few steps forward, but soon stopped when I noticed that the lights were dimming and music was playing from somewhere. Following the music, I turned to the stage were the curtains were slowly being pulled back, revealing a charcoal-black unicorn mare with a silver mane and tail who was wearing a black dress darker than her fur as she slowly walked onto center stage where a mic on a stand was. Once it was dark enough, a panel on the ceiling slid away, uncovering a sunroof and allowing a pillar of moonlight to act as a spotlight over the mare, perfectly illuminating her while turning the jazz band near the back of the stage into silhouettes, one of which I instantly recognized as Octavia's.

As Tavi was plucking Marchello's strings, the mare at the mic started to sing into it with a silvery voice. Captivated by what I was hearing, I took a seat at the nearest empty table and enjoyed the performance as the unicorn mare sang, judging by the lyrics, about a falling out she had with a pegasus girlfriend.

Eventually, and much to my disappointment, the song ended, causing the audience to clop their hooves together while I simply clapped my hands as the curtains began to close and the room got brighter again. A minute or two later, a door labeled 'Backstage' opened with the unicorn mare and the band stepping out, as well as Octavia. Her head was hanging low, but once she raised it, she spotted me, then approached with a confused look on her face.

"Maurice?" she asked, standing at the other end of the table. "What are you doing here?"

"What?" I said with a smile and shrug. "Am I not allowed to listen to the best cello player ever? Also, they obviously messed up the lighting here, 'cause the spotlight somehow ended up on the singer instead of you."

She looked away, then released a short giggle into her hoof before facing me again. "Oh, Maurice, you charmer you," she said with a smile as she gave a dismissive wave before pulling a chair out and sitting on it. "But in all seriousness, why are you here?"

With a grin, I pulled out the brown bag from under the table, then slid it over to her.

Her eyes lit up when it stopped inches way from her. "Wait, could this be?" she asked as she began to open it, a smile forming on her mouth when she saw what was inside. With a quizzical expression, she looked to me and said, "It's my lunch...and you brought it?"

I didn't get why she was sounding so surprised. "Uh, yeah...I found it in the fridge after I got home, and I just wasn't comfortable with the thought of you starving until you got off work."

With her forelegs, Tavi practically hugged the bag to her chest as she flashed me another smile. "Thank you, Maurice; I've been positively famished!"

I grinned as I gave her the go-ahead gesture, queuing her to just shut up and eat already. Receiving my hint, Tavi took the apples from the bag and scarfed them down with loud crunches, the closest I'd ever get to seeing her eat without 'proper etiquette'. When she then reached into the bag again, her face turned to one of confusion when she pulled out the pizza slices wrapped in tinfoil.

"What's this?" she asked before unwrapping them. "Pizza?"

With one hand flat on the table, I placed the other behind my neck as I pushed myself back a bit. "Yeeeah, Vinyl and I ordered three pizzas, one for each of us."

Tavi tilted her head to the side while giving me a puzzled look. "Wait, you ordered not just one pizza...but three?" I nodded. "Maurice!" she said in a near half-shout. "That's irresponsible! You know we can't afford to go around spending bits like that, we're on a budget!"

I folded my arms. "Yeah, and I say 'screw the budget' 'cause the bits from the program just came in; no more of us living solely off of peanutbutter and jelly--or in your case: hay--sandwiches from here on out!"

"What?" she asked, forcing me to repeat myself in greater detail.

"Apparently I've been with you guys for a month now since a check from the program that sent me here just came in today; and after taking a look at how much we got, I think the check alone can cover most, if not all of the rent for this month, leaving us with sending money for once. So why not celebrate with some pizza? I think we more than deserve it."

Tavi smiled at me while giving a small sigh of relief, and possibly disbelief. "Well that's...that's wonderful news, and you're right, we should treat ourselves; I for one know that I've grown sick of eating PB&Hay for weeks straight." She made movements to get out of her seat as she said, "I guess I'll start by allowing myself a glass of wine to go with this pizza."

I raised a hand, gesturing for her to stop. "Nah, you stay right there and continue eating." I got up from my seat. "I'll get it, plus, I could go for something fancy as well."

She moved a hoof to her chest as she made a lighthearted scoff. "Maurice, you're such a gentlestallion."

Grinning, I gave her a bow before heading over to the bar. Once I got there, I leaned on the counter as I said to the barkeeper, "Two glasses of wine, please."

Right as the barkeep confirmed my request with a nod, another stallion walked up beside me, placed his forelegs on the counter, then raised one as he said, "Eh, the same thing, please."

As I waited for the wine, I could see through the corner of my eye that the stallion was turning to me. "Oh no, it's you again," he said with slight exasperation in his tone.

My face grimaced in confusion before I turned to him. "Me again?" I asked him, now seeing that he was a tan earthpony with a brown mane and tail, his cutie mark being an hourglass, and also that he was wearing a white shirt collar around his neck as well as a green tie.

"Ohhh don't play coy with me," he said while pointing at me and giving a stern look. "If you've come to pester me again for another free ride, you'd be sorely mistaken." I didn't respond, as I just stared at him in a state of constant confusion, knowing full well that there was no way this could be a case of mistaken identity since, well...I'm the only human in this world. The stallion then released an amused huff before continuing. "Oh don't give me that look--all though you're very convincing, what with the raised brow and slightly ajar mouth, almost like you honestly have no idea what I'm talking about..." As if he came to a realization, his eyes slowly started to widened. "Because you honestly don't know what I'm talking about..." He then looked away as he muttered, "Whoops, almost caused a paradox there..."

"Uh?" I uttered, regaining his attention.

"Eh, sorry," he said with a forced smile. "Had myself a few too many pints is all," he raised his hoof and wavered it, "been known to drone on and on about nonsensical nonsense when on the sauce." The bartender then placed four wine glasses on the counter in-between me and this really weird but familiar sounding guy... "Eh, what do you know!' the stallion exclaimed as he pointed at the wine glasses. "Guess I'm feeling very talkative today," he patted his chest twice with a hoof, "they're good for the ol' tickers--er, ticker--singular."

"Oookay..." I awkwardly said to the stallion as I picked up the wine glasses after paying for them. "Uh, nice talking with you...I guess..." He just nodded with a nervous looking smile before I walked back to Octavia, thinking along the way, That was weird...also, from the way he talked, as well as that cutie mark and David Tennent-sounding voice, it kinda makes me think if Equestria has its own version of the Doc--no, that's just silly, I mean, that was just a show...

After giving Octavia her wine, I sat back down and was about to sip from my own when I noticed the strange stallion was walking with the wine he ordered balanced on his back as he made his way to a table where a gray pagasus mare was seated who was wearing a scarlet dress--wait, Ditzy?! Wait, hold on, wait a minute...that's Time Turner?!

"You know, you really didn't have to," Octavia said for possibly the third time as I walked her home, Marchello in its case and slung over my shoulder by the strap.

"It's fine, really, not a problem," I answered, shifting Marchello into a more comfortable position.

As she walked, Octavia lowered her gaze to the ground and gave her head a quick shake before speaking. "But I mean it, really, you could have just gone home after leaving me my lunch, there was no need for you to stay until I was done playing for the day."

"Why would I?" I asked as I trudged by her side. "I was having a great time; the atmosphere was nice, I found out that the wine in this world is better than what's made back at mine--must be the grapes, and the music was fantastic." I lightly tapped her side with a grin. "You know, cause of yours truly."

I think I caught a blush on her face before she turned away. "Oh, I, uh...I-I'm not, I'm not deserving of such praises."

I faced forward and lightheartedly scoffed. "Well you obviously think too little of yourself and your skill; you're great, and I'm not saying that because we live together where it would be easier for you to place me in a headlock like you sometimes do to Vinyl if I said you were bad."

Tavi turned to me, then shook her head. "No, no I wouldn't do that to you." She broke into a grin. "Your maturity far exceeds Vinyl's, so I know that all I would do to you is give a few choice words; it's Vinyl who would require, and if judging by her constant behavior, possibly enjoys physical discipline."

I stifled a laugh, as deep within the confines and inner recess of my mind, a voice said, 'Giggity'.

Minutes later, we finally made it back with the house right in front of us. As Tavi walked up to the entrance, she stopped with her hoof at the door before turning back to me and speaking.

"You know, I also had a great time as well; it was enjoyable being able to talk with someone in-between performances for once."

"Well I'm glad the feeling was mutual then," I said with a hand at my waist.

She smiled at me before turning back to the door, however, she made no further move to open it, and instead, I heard her say, "We should...we should do this again sometime; just you and me, spending more time together outside of the house..."

After hearing her say that, I jokingly replied with, "Now, call me crazy, but I think that kinda sounded like you just asked me out on a date."

Her body tensed before she turned back to me, her ears flattened as she tried to force a smile. "Eh? N-No, of course not, I'm just suggesting that...that--oh who am I kidding?" She sighed towards the ground before looking at me again. "It's just that you've been such a gentlestallion, and it's been a...awhile since I've last seen somepony, so I simply thought--oh forgive me, Vinyl's brashness must be rubbing off on me! J-Just forget that I've said anything!" She quickly opened the door and was about to head in, but stopped in her tracks when I said something.

"You know...I...didn't say no."

"What?" Tavi questioned as she turned back to me, her expression in a state of disbelief.

I inhaled, then breathed out my nose as I placed a hand at the back of my head while I scanned the ocean of stars above. I was silent for a few seconds before speaking again. "I...guess it's been a while for me as well, and uh...I do like you, and I know I'm not getting home anytime soon, so I," I sighed, "I guess I have to make the best out of a bad situation." My eyes widened before I turned back to her, my hands raised defensibly. "Wait, that didn't exactly come out how I wanted it to! I'm not saying that you're a bad situation or anything like that, it's just tha--"

Tavi cut me off with a light giggle. "No, I understand what you're trying to say, and no offence was taken."

I relaxed a bit. "Oh, uh, phew," I said as I wiped my forehead of imaginary sweat. A minute must of gone by of us just averting our gazes from each other before I eventually broke the ice. "Even if we did go through with this...doesn't this world have the same unspoken rule about not dating roommates?"

She nodded. "It does, but we're both mature adults here, so if things don't work out we could--oh this is going to sound very clichéd--but we could simply remain friends. Things might be awkward between us for a while, but I'm sure we can get passed it."

I rubbed the back of my neck. "Heh, I guess that sounds like a plan. So when do we have this uh...date?"

Tavi rubbed her chin with a hoof while in thought. "I guess a week from now would be nice; would give me plenty of time to plan it out."

I lightheartedly rolled my eyes with a scoff. "Excuse me, for you to plan it out? Isn't that up to the guy?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Maurice," she apologized...for some reason. "I had no idea you were one of those equal rights stallions, of course you can pick out where we'd go."

I just stared at her for a few seconds with a dumbfounded look on my face. Huh, I wonder what you'd call the male version of a feminist...

I then answered her with a shake of my head. "Eh, on second thought, you can decide."

"Oh, well, alright then." She turned back to the house, then looked back to me. "Normally I'd say 'See you in a week', but we both live here, so that'd be redundant; are we gonna head inside now?"

"Yeah, hold on," I replied, sliding off Marchello then handing it to her after noticing that I forgot to empty the trash can earlier that was by the side of the house. "I kinda forgot to take the trash to the cart earlier, so don't wait up while I go do that real quick."

"Well all right then," Tavi said as she walked into the house and closed the door behind her.

I then walked over to the trash can and picked it up before carrying it down the block where a large cart full of the neighborhood's discarded garbage was. Once a week, these garbage carts would pop up every few blocks were they would remain there as the townsponies dump their trash into them, then get hauled off the next morning to who knows where.

After quickly emptying the trash can's contents into the cart, I made my way back. Halfway home, I paused when I heard what sounded like trash cans being knocked over, coming from the alley I was passing. Looking into it, I thought I saw pair of golden eyes staring at me from the darkest section of the alley, shining from what little moonlight that shined into the narrow space.

Trying adjust my eyes to the dark, I called, "Lyra? Is that you?" If it was, this wouldn't be the first time she just so happened to run into me by coincidence. When my question went unanswered, I set the trash can down before cautiously stepping into the alley. "Lyra, if it is you, just go home already." As I talked, a cloud drifted over the moon, making everything completely dark for a few seconds, causing me to blindly stumble forward with my arm held out. When the moonlight came back, I stood where the eyes were and plunged my hand into the shadow, hoping to find that it was just a cat and not Lyra trying to stalk me again.

However, instead of fur, my hand brushed against cool brick. "Huh," I said to myself as I stepped back. "I guess it was just my imagina--"

Something slammed into me from behind, pinning me between it and the brick wall! With my face being forced against the wall, something grabbed one of my arms and painfully placed it at my back. Whoever it was, it couldn't be Lyra, because they then spoke with the voice of a woman slightly older than Vinyl and Octavia's that I didn't recognize.

"Well, well, well...this hold was designed to work against minotaurs; aren't I glad it works just as well on humans..."

I tried to free my arm, but each time I made a move, the woman pushed me harder against the wall and raised my arm higher up my back, causing it to feel as if it would pop out of its socket.

"Gah!" I yelped in pain, my free arm propped against the wall above my head. I turned as much as I could to get a look at my assailant.

My eyes widened, it was a gray furred mare with short, scarlet-red hair, and she was...she was a batpony. Her flared leathery wings were a dead giveaway, as well as her ear tips that ended in little fur tufts, pointy fangs, and her golden eyes that had vertically-slanted pupils. It wasn't the fact that she was a batpony that caused my eyes to widened, no, I've seen them plenty of times back at the castle; it was because she was wearing a blue police uniform. Looking at the police badge pinned to her left that was reflecting moonlight, I could see that the initials 'C.P.D.' were engraved on it, while on her right side was a tag that read 'M.Highground'.

"Wait!" I yelled through gritted teeth. "If this is about that party cannon, I had nothing to do with it! Eh, also, you can't arrest me if that's what you're trying to do!"

"And why not?" she asked with curiosity in her tone, her hold over me not loosening in the slightest.

No, no! Part of my brain that holds references, there's a time and a place for everything, but now is definitely not the-- "B-Because I'm... the Thane of Whiterun..."

Things were quiet between us for a few seconds before I received a kidney punch delivered by the mare's hoof that I may or may not have deserved. As I lurched forward, coughing onto the wall, the mare spoke. "I don't even know what that is." She then used her hoof to pull my head back as she spoke into my ear. "Besides, I'm not here to arrest you..."

"T-Then...w-what do you," I coughed, "want from me?"

"From you? Nothing. I just happen to know that you live with and are about to date a miss Octavia Melody." Wait, had she been following us?! Before I had the chance to question what she wanted with her, she continued. "Speakeasy's out, and if I could track Octavia down from Canterlot, then you can bet your flank that he'll have an easier time than I. And when he finds her," she said that while forcing my arm up higher, causing me to grit my teeth, "I'd like for you to make sure that she gives him this message for me." She then leaned into my ear and whispered, "You may have wormed your way out of the system for now, but don't think for one second that I, Moral Highground, won't be there the moment you slip up again."

Suddenly, my arm was released, and after frantically turning around, I found that the mare was gone. Fearing that she might come back, I ran out of the alley, then sprinted the rest of the way home, abandoning the trash can I brought by the side of the road. A minute later, I slammed the front door to the house open as I entered, then leaned against a wall as I held my side that still ached.

"Maurice!" Octavia yelled as both she and Vinyl approached me with surprised and worried eyes. "What happened?! You're a mess and you seem to be in pain!"

I took a few deep breathes so I could explain, but before I could, Vinyl tapped Octavia's side, then pointed through the front door I left open. Seconds later, Octavia's eyes widened in fear, and after turning around to face in the same direction as them, I could see why. Up on the building's roof opposite of our house, I could see the batmare from before, splaying her wings widely with the moon behind her in a Batman-esque fashion; despite her being partially silhouetted, her eyes still shone just as brightly as any light. Suddenly, she flapped her wings, then took off into the night sky.

"That happened," I said as my back slid down the wall.

With her eyes still frozen where the batpony was, Octavia quietly muttered, "Oh no...she's found us..."

Author's Note

Meanwhile, back at the Fortress of Solitude as Maurice was getting his shit kicked in.

Here's my patreon. Come on guys, I'd really like to go to my first ever convention. Babscon.

Dinner And A Date...A Dinner-Date If You Will

The bell above the entrance chimed when the door swung open, alerting those within earshot of the building's interior that I'd just entered. Not too long after that, there was a female's voice coming from further within.

"I have no other appointments for the day, so I'm going to assume that it's you, Maurice. Am I right, darling?"

Before answering, I gave my surroundings a quick scan. It was a large room divided into sections by several purple drapes; at one side of the room, I spotted a small table with three full length mirrors besides it, while opposite of that was a small runway surrounded by a few pony-shaped mannequins. Some of the mannequins were left bare, but the rest were wearing garments that, if knowing their designer well enough, would become the next fashion trend within a week or two.

"Yeah, it's me," I finally replied.

"Ah, just a moment deary," the voice said, one of the drapes then surrounded in a light-blue aura before being pulled back, revealing the owner of the voice to be Rarity; she had a few pins in her hair and seemed to have been working on three dresses that were on foal-sized mannequins. Rarity walked over to me, then put up a proud posture and a smile before saying, "Hello, Maurice, welcome to the Carousel Boutique, where every garment is chic, unique and magnifique!"

"Hello to you too, Rarity," I greeted with a grin as I crossed my arms over my chest. I then gestured at the dresses she was working on. "Was I interrupting something?"

"Hmm?" Rarity sounded, turning to the dresses then back to me. "Oh, no no no," she said, raising her hoof and waving it, "you were no interruption at all; I was merely working on some dresses for my sister and her friends, you know, for the upcoming gala."

"Oh yeah," I replied before placing my hand at the back of my head. Octavia and a few of the ponies I work with mentioned it earlier, but I couldn't for the life of me remember what it was called; regardless I gave it my best shot. "The uh...Grass...Gallifrey...Gala, that thing."

Rarity tensed up, biting her bottom lip as she started avoiding eye contact with me; for some reason, I was getting this feeling that she was keeping herself from slapping me. Eventually, she spoke again.

"Yes, well, that thing just so happens to be the largest social event of the year." She shrugged. "Granted, I didn't have the best of times during my last attendance, but this year is sure to be different now that Twilight is lending a hoof organizing it." I nodded, not really caring about some event that I wasn't going to attend anyway. Suddenly, Rarity's eyes widened before she gave a very lady-like gasp into her hoof. "Oh, but listen to me ramble, you must be here to pick up your new ensemble, no?" She then approached and nudged me with her shoulder. "Or maybe you've come for a bit of idle gossip and chit-chat with the local and very attractive seamstress, hmm?" she said while fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I rolled my eyes and released an amused sigh before jokingly answering with, "Yeeeah...I wanted to talk with the attractive seamstress, but she wasn't home, so I came here instead."

Rarity huffed with a smile, then turned around and walked a few feet away, but not before playfully swatting me with her tail.

"But in all seriousness though," I said after a short chortle. "Is it ready?"

She turned back to me. "Ah, yes, your threads as you called them." She then used her magic to pull a mannequin from behind one of the drapes, this one being human-shaped and wearing casual wear that consisted of dark-blue business jeans, a blue long sleeved shirt with black buttons on the cuffs, as well as a black vest over the shirt with a gray tie looping around the collar and ending under the vest; in short, the mannequin resembled Slenderman if he retired from a life of murder and decided to take up modeling.

Rarity set the mannequin down before me, then spoke as she walked around it, seeming to admire her work. "You'll be happy to know that despite the short notice you gave me, I was able to complete it before the deadline and hopefully it's more than well suited for your date tonight." She then gave me a curious look. "Though I am curious, and forgive me if I'm being too prying, but may I ask why you had me rush this order?"

"Oh, um, sorry about that," I apologized. "It was just recently that Tavi told me, out of the blue, that I should dress fancy for this restaurant where we're gonna have our date in."

"Oh, a dinner-date, how classically romantic! And what exactly is the name of this restaurant?" she asked.

Crap, more names I have trouble remembering... "It's the uh..." I rubbed the back of my neck as my eyes wandered Rarity's place while I tried to place the name in my memory. "Ah jeez, it was a Fre--Prench sounding name...sounded a lot like uh...'delicious...cuisine...'"

Rarity gasped. "Wait," she said, her eyes widening in surprise. "You don't happen to mean La Cuisine Délicieuse?"

Realizing that the name she said did indeed match, I nodded my head and gave a snap of my fingers as I said, "Yeah! That's the one! I'm uh...gonna take a guess here and say that judging by your reaction, it's a 'good' restaurant."

"'Good'?!" Rarity said in a near yell. "'Good' doesn't do the place justice! La Cuisine Délicieuse is marvelous, stupendous even! What with its wide assortment of delectable examples of the culinary arts, atmosphere just full of sophistication, and top-notch service that all blend perfectly together to form the very ideal and pinnacle of fine dining! Why, it's all...all..."

I swear, if she says 'simply divine', I'm gonna--

"It's all simply divine!" she enthusiastically said.

Huh, now I'll never know what I was gonna do...

As if she were about to faint, she then placed the back of her hoof over her forehead. "Oh how I've dreamed of dining there with a handsome stallion one day~!"

Once it seemed that her little rant was over, I teased her by responding with, "So it's uh...really good then..."

With her hoof still over her forehead, Rarity's eye froze in a half twitch. Moments later, she released a short, dry chuckle before saying, "Maurice, darling...I adore you, really, I do, but please don't take offense when I say that you should take your garments and go before I do something very un-lady-like to you..."

"Yeah, that's probably wise." I said, breaking into a grin as I reached a hand into my pocket. After handing her the correct amount of bits we agreed upon earlier--which she gave me a generous discount of ten percent off; hey, she still has a business to run--Rarity used her magic to poof my new clothes off the mannequin, then had it reappear before me all neatly folded and in a bag bearing a logo that matched her cutie mark. Thanking her, I then made my way for the door when Rarity said one last thing before I left.

"I wish you the best of luck for your date tonight, Maurice."

The sky was turning from orange to red, due to the sun setting over the horizon as I walked home. With the bag containing my new clothes held firmly in my hand, I moved at a brisk pace, my eyes scanning every rooftop and alleyway for any sign of Highground as I did so. It's been a whole week since I last encountered her, but I was still anxious each time I walked the streets at night, especially when during that time, I'd walk Tavi home from The Hoof Tapper since it gave us time to plan our date.

After the incident with Highground, I questioned Vinyl and Tavi, asking how exactly they were involved with the police batmare. My questions went unanswered and they both begged me to drop it, and out of respect for them, I did; if it was merely a bit of backlash from their past that they didn't want to mention, then I wasn't going to press the issue, plus, I wasn't going to allow something like that to ruin the first, and possibly only, relationship I'd be able to have in this world.

Minutes later, I opened the front door to the house as I entered. I spotted no one in the living room, but did hear muffled voices coming from Octavia's room. Walking up to it, I knocked, only to have the door open a crack and see that it was Vinyl who answered it; from what I could see, she had brushes, combs, and a hair curler floating around her by her magic, as well as some bobby pins secured in her mouth.

After spitting out the pins, then catching them with her magic, Vinyl greeted with, "Sup."

"Vinyl?" I questioned, wondering why it was her who answered Tavi's door. "Uh, where's Ta--"

"Uhp, uhp, uhp!" Vinyl interrupted in quick succession, her hoof raised. "I'm sorry, young colt, but Octy can't come out to play right now."

Raising my brow, I then heard Octavia's voice coming from behind Vinyl within the room. "Is that Maurice?" she asked.

"Uh, yeah," I answered. "Just wanted to see if you were ready."

"Oh, how sweet of you," I heard her say. "But I'm afraid it'll be a while before I'm ready, Vinyl's still helping me with my mane."

"Ah," I uttered before looking at the bag I was holding. "Well uh, I guess I'll get ready too."

"Mhmm, you do that; I'm confident Vinyl and I will be finished before we have to leave."

"Alright," I said with a quick nod, then looked to Vinyl. "You look like you're having fun."

Vinyl grinned, "Oh, you know it." She then placed a hoof over her chest and said, "Don't you worry one bit, Maurice; I'll have Octy all purty'd up for your date with her, yah won't even recognize her when I'm done with her..." She made a slow chuckle as she closed the door.

As I then made a step towards my room, I heard Tavi cry out in pain before exclaiming, "Ow! Vinyl, careful with that!"

"Heh heh...whoops..." I heard Vinyl say.

For some reason, I then pictured Tavi laying on a table, slowly going through the same process Anakin Skywalker did as he was turned into Darth Vader while Vinyl was off to the side wearing a black Sith robe.

Half an hour later, after having just finished taking a quick and thorough shower to rid myself of any after-work odor, I changed into my newly bought clothes, styled my hair with a bit of gel, vigorously brushed my teeth, gave myself a subtle spritz of cologne I had, then sat on the living room couch as I tied my tie. Once I had that done, I played the waiting game, patting my knees and occasionally giving the nearby clock a glance, wondering if Tavi would be ready in time. Much to my relief, I didn't wait too long, 'cause soon, the door to Tavi's room opened, and she herself stepped out. I pulled my head back and smiled with my mouth half-open, rendered completely speechless by the beauty I was seeing.

Tavi, her long black mane was tied back into a bun, with one curled strand running down the side of her face, violet lipstick carefully applied on her lips, and finally, she had forgo-ed her bowtie for a violet evening dress that perfectly matched her eyes, yet covered her cutie mark, rear-legs, and tail, but spared her forelegs; I don't know what kind of fabric it was woven from, but it gave off a slight, sparkly sheen, resembling stars being reflected off a lake. I also noticed that, other than the lipstick, she was wearing no make-up, which I was glad for since I was more of a fan of natural beauty than face-paint.

"H-How do I look?" Tavi nervously asked, one of her forelegs half-raised as she gave a quick pose.

I gave my head a quick shake, now realizing that she just addressed me. With a goofy smile on my face, I then gave my best attempt to answer her. "Uh...you...you're...wow, just...just wow."

"See, Octy, he likes it," Vinyl said from under the doorway to Tavi's room, a cocky grin on her face.

"Well I guess all that pain you inflicted upon me was sort of worth it then," Tavi said to Vinyl, then turned to me. "Well, you look ready, Maurice, nice too, very dashing." With a smile, she gestured with her head towards the door, saying, "Shall we head to restaurant now, or did we get all dress up for dinner over the coffee table?"

I nodded. "Uh--yeah...yeah, of course." Getting up from the couch, I walked over to the front door where I then held it open for Octavia.

"Why thank you," Tavi said with a grin as she walked out, her eyes closed and her head held high.

I stepped out into the now night air as well, and as I was closing the door, I saw Vinyl raise her hoof, wave it, then said with a smile, "Alright now, you two have fun on your date! I'll hold down the fort till you come back!"

After the door clicked shut, I turned around and walked over to Octavia, where I then said one thing before we made for the restaurant.

"We're gonna come back to the house on fire...aren't we...?"

Tavi didn't even hesitate to follow up with, "That's a very high possibility..."

"Ah, welcome to La Cuisine Délicieuse," greeted a stallion standing behind a podium once Tavi and I walked through the doors, entering the restaurant's waiting room; he was a cream-colored unicorn with a blue mane and tail, wearing a black suit with a red bowtie and white cuffs at the ends of his forelegs, also, he had a French accent and a pencil-thin mustache. "How may I help you?" he then asked.

Tavi walked ahead and stood before the podium. "We have a reservation listed under the name 'Octavia'."

The stallion eyed us both--me a bit longer than he did her--then skimmed through the ledger sitting atop the podium. "Hmm," he lightly hummed as he traced a hoof over it. His face then lit up. "Ah, here it is: table for two, one mare and one," it seemed like he had to force himself to finish his sentence, "stallion..." Using his magic to pull out two menus from a compartment in the podium, he then turned to the doors behind him. "Right this way," he said, the doors highlighted in his magic before opening, revealing the rest of the restaurant.

Instantly after seeing the interior, I grew nervous, wondering if Tavi and I had brought enough bits to eat at such a place. It was a wide dining room with walls painted in a shade that I could only describe as half white, half gold, with marble flooring and columns, and a ceiling of finely polished wood with sphere-shaped lights hanging off of it, all evenly spaced apart and giving off just enough illumination to provide the place with a mood-setting dimness. Organized in neat rows in order to provide aisles for patrons and waiters to comfortably walk through, the square-shaped tables had white cloths covering them with silverware, plates, and candles all sitting atop them. Pushing my nervousness aside, I followed the stallion with Tavi at my side once he began to walk into the room then down the aisles. Immediately, through the corners of my eyes, I could see that a few of the currently dining patrons' heads would track the strange looking--yet handsomely dressed if I might add--biped, but quickly looked back to their companions or meals when I'd glance at them.

"Here you are," the stallion said, gesturing at a table near the back wall of the restaurant; whether he chose this spot because he was taking into considering how I'd feel drawing everyone's eyes or merely because he didn't want me to be a disturbance, I will never know.

Deciding to give a good first impression, I pulled out Tavi's seat, then gestured for her to sit.

My action caused Tavi to give me a lighthearted smirk. "My, well aren't you well-mannered," she said before taking her seat, then allowing me to carefully push her chair into place.

Once I walked around the table and sat opposite of her, the stallion pulled a matchbox out from one of his suit's pockets, then used one of its matches to light the candle on the table, creating a small oasis of light in-between Tavi and I.

"I will be back in a few minutes to receive your orders," the stallion said, floating the menus to us before leaving.

Tavi and I then took the time to look through our menus, and as I skimmed through the restaurant's many specialties--that almost all of which had names that I doubted I'd be able to pronounce properly--I eventually discovered that this place did indeed have a carnivore section; and just like the pizza parlor menu from last week, it was sectioned off near the back and devoid of any illustrations for obvious reasons. I was tempted to order something from it, but I wasn't sure if Tavi was as comfortable with the fact that meat was in my diet as Vinyl was. Not feeling courageous enough to test the waters right now--and possibly ruin my evening with her--I decided that I'd order something safer.

Once my mind was made up, I set the menu down, then attempted the most difficult part of any first date...starting a conversation...

"So," I drawled, my fingers rhythmically and nervously tapping atop the table.

Octavia set her menu down as well before giving me her attention. "Yes?" She asked, her head cutely tilted to the side a bit as she waited for me to continue.

Ok...maybe I should have actually thought of a topic before trying to speak, I thought to myself, now noticing that my breathing had deepened and my body got a smidge warmer than I'd like after a few longer-than-necessary moments of awkward silence had already passed. I swallowed a lump in my throat. Should I start with a joke to break the ice? That'd be way better than saying something lame like,

"Lovely weather we've been having recently..."

I mentally kicked myself. Goddammit, mouth... Why must you always run faster than my mind...?

Tavi cast me a curious look before giving a smile that seemed to be a bit forced, causing me to believe that I wasn't the only one feeling the awkward levels rise. "Why yes," she said. "The weather has been rather enjoyable as of late, it's almost a shame that winter is right around the corner."

I returned my own half-awkward smile. "Guess I'm gonna have to commission Rarity to make me some winter clothes then."

She nodded. "That'd be wise."

Once again, awkward silence; clearly we scrapped the bottom of the barrel with that topic...

What am I doing? I questioned, my hand placed at the back of my neck as my eyes wandered to anywhere but Octavia. I've known Tavi for more than a month and we've had plenty of normal conversations before, so why can't we just have one now? I'd talk about anything if it meant we'd get rid of this awkward tension...

Soon, I thought of something we could discuss and locked it in place before it'd slip my mind. Taking it a bit slower this time, I then tried to initiate another conversation.

"I--"

"You--"

Tavi and I were silent before grinning at one another, as we both just tried to say something at the same time. I stayed quiet, allowing her to go first, but a few seconds had passed and she had yet to say anything; I guess she was letting me go first then.

"Tavi--"

"Mau--"

We just stared at each other for a few moments before--and to my surprise 'cause I don't exactly know how or when--we began to snicker. Snickering turned into giggling, which then in turn slowly escalated to uncontrollable laughter. Trying to not disturb the other customers, we both tried to suppress our noises by covering our mouths, but Octavia made it difficult for me when she actually snorted! I think my fist may have been hammering onto the table while I attempted to force down my laughs.

Once our mirth finally began to die down, I spoke while trying to regain my composure. "Just, heh, just look at us! Wha-what's wrong with us? You felt that too, right? The awkward tension between us a few minutes ago?"

A hoof to her chest and a hearty smile on her face, Tavi answered. "Glad I wasn't alone then! I found it strange when you suddenly wanted to talk about the weather!"

Lightheartedly shaking my head, I said, "Yeah, not my best of moments there."

"Ah-hem," coughed the waiter into his hoof, getting mine and Tavi's attention, as well as alerting us that he had returned. At first I thought he was gonna ask us to lower our voices, but found that that wasn't the case when I spotted a notebook and pen floating before him by his magic. Once we gave him our orders, he took our menus, then gave a short bow of his head before walking off, leaving Tavi and I to finally converse, this time completely devoid of the awkward tension that was there before.

"So should you go first and say what you were gonna say, or should I?" I asked, gesturing at her then myself.

"No no," Tavi said with a smile, lightly shaking her heard. "You go first."

"Ok, uh, geez, no pressure there or anything," I said, rubbing the back of my neck as I grinned at her. "Well...I was just gonna ask what it was that you saw in me that called for a date. I mean, I'm going through with it because--well, aside from the 'being stuck in another world' situation thing I'm in--I have been thinking for a while about putting myself out there, and despite being a different species, I found that mares here have this certain...attractiveness that's difficult for me to explain. So uh, yeah. Now don't get what I'm going to say wrong since I am kinda glad that it was someone I actually like who asked me out first, but what possessed you to date the weird-looking alien you live with when you had a whole town full of ponies to choose from?"

Tavi crossed her hooves over her chest. "Now Maurice, if you're worried about the fact that we're two completely different species, don't be. Inter-species couples aren't exactly a new thing in Equestria, and several new species have been the result of them. Tell me, are you aware of what a hippogriff or a kirin is?"

I had no clue, but in order to keep the awkward silence at bay and prevent it from returning, I replied. "Uh, one of them has something to do with hippos?"

Tavi quickly placed a hoof over her mouth, trying to hide what was clearly a smile judging by the fact that the corners of her mouth were pointed upwards. She then took a moment to clear her throat before removing her hoof and speaking. "Well no, no it has nothing to do with hippos. See, hippogriffs are born from the union between a griffon and a pony; they're typically the front-half and wings of an eagle with the other half being that of a pony."

"Oh, then what did the hoo-hah with a pony to make a kirin?" I asked.

Not skipping a beat, Tavi replied with, "Why a dragon of course."

My eyes widened with the thought of Equestria being full of either brave or horny--or bravely-horny--ponies...

I scratched my noggin. "Huh...wow...and that can just happen?" I asked with curiosity. "I mean, I'm not a bioligist or anything like that, but aren't those vastly different creatures; don't genes or chromosomes or something like that have to match for them to make a baby?" A thought then occurred to me. "Wait, does this mean that batponies are what happens when a pony shags a regular or big-sized bat?"

Tavi quickly placed her hoof over her mouth again, yet this time I could clearly hear her giggles that she was trying so hard to stifle.

"Heh, what?" I asked with a smile. I then sat back in my chair and patiently waited for her giggle-fit to end.

"Oh Maurice," she said after finally calming down a bit, using a hoof to wipe a tear from the corner of her eye. "That's what I like about you; you're not afraid to speak your mind...no matter how ridiculous or absurd it may be at times."

In response to that, I placed my hands over my chest and frowned, giving my best 'I'm hurt' expression. Tavi jokingly rolled her eyes at me before continuing.

"Anyway, the answer to your batpony question is no, they are not the offspring of a bat and pony. A popular misconception, caused by several myths and legends, say that they are all the descendants of The Princess of the Night herself, but I happen to know for a fact that in reality, they are merely a variant subspecies of pegasi favored by Princess Luna as her guard because of their nocturnal nature."

I nodded. "Well that's interesting, but...how is it that you know so much about batponies?" I asked, casting her a curious glace.

Her eyes shifted as she spoke. "Oh, well, I..." She lightly coughed into her hoof before making eye contact with me again. "I happen to have had a batpony acquaintance or two...you know...from back in Canterlot..."

Lowering my eyes to the table, I quietly sighed; I had hoped that she might reveal more about Highground since I was still curious an' all about her, but it was clear by the anxious look on Tavi's face that she wanted to avoid talking about her. Deciding that I didn't want to turn our date into an interrogation, I gave her an out.

"Oh," I said, looking towards the ceiling and clasping my hands together before looking back at her. "I almost forgot. You didn't answer my question about the 'genes not matching' thing..."

Tavi's expression became one of relief. "Oh, yes, of course, that." She shifted in her seat in order to sit more comfortably. "Well you did have an earlier point there, Maurice; scientifically, genes, chromosomes and the like do have to match in order to produce an offspring."

"Then how do make a rugrat?" I asked, anxious to hear the answer out of curiosity.

"The answer is simple really," she said with a shrug. "We all learned in school that creatures such as ponies, griffons, zebras, and even dragons, all possess magic woven into their very beings; so when any of them become," she kinda seemed uncomfortable with saying the next word, "intimate...with each other, science makes an exception."

Huh...so if this world had memes, instead of that one guy saying 'Yeah. Science, bitch!' he'd be saying 'Yeah. Magic, bitch!' The thought of that cause me to smile, but it was only for a moment before I then realized something.

"Well shoot..." I said, closing my eyes and rubbing the bridge of my nose. "Guess that's one thing I'm gonna have to cross off my list..."

"Cross what off your list?" Tavi asked.

Sighing, I removed my hand from my face as I answered her. "Having kids someday..."

"What?" Tavi asked, seeming to be more confused.

Trying to show her that I wasn't as bummed out as she might think I am, I gave her a half-smile. "Well uh...Twilight pointed out--after thoroughly examining my blood and...other things--that my body has absolutely no magic in it whatsoever. So uh...yeah...if I am stuck here forever, then I won't be able to just, you know...have some with someone."

Tavi's ears drooped as she, for some reason, donned an expression of utter guilt. "Oh, Maurice... I'm...I'm so sorry if I gave you any false hopes..."

I raised a hand and waved it dismissively. "No no, not your fault; I didn't mention the 'no magic' thing to anyone 'cause I thought it wasn't a big deal." I shrugged with a sigh as I then said, "Besides...I made peace with that fact long, long ago." I placed a hand at the back of my neck and rubbed it, my eyes traveling from up the wall towards the ceiling. "I guess...if I ever settled down with someone here, I could always try the adoption thing." I looked back at Tavi and grinned at her. "Heh, make sure that my strange human references are passed on to the next generation." My eyes then slowly rolled as I said, "Well...that is if they'll even allow the one-of-a-kind alien to adopt," I shrugged, "but if not, then oh well, I tried, I guess."

After letting all that out, a few moments of silence passed between us before I then realized something. Hello, awkward silence, my old friend~♪ Geez, Maurice, way to kill the mood...

Luckily, before I was gonna try to salvage the conversation by making some lame joke about the weather, the silence was interrupted when the waiter returned, holding in his magic a silver platter with a dome-like lid atop it. After placing it on the table, he lifted the lid, revealing the meals that Tavi and I had ordered earlier; Tavi's was a plate full of mixed, grilled and sauteed vegetables, all covered in oils and spices, while mine was a bowl of pasta with marinara sauce and melted cheese, all sprinkled in parmesan cheese and shredded basil. I could practically taste the food already as I whiffed the rising steam it was giving off, causing me to salivate; I was near starved by this point since I had saved up an appetite by having light meals throughout today.

"Thank you," Tavi said to the stallion once he floated our meals to their receptive owners.

"Thanks," I said as well, not being rude, yet barely getting an acknowledging glance from the guy.

I thought the stallion was then about to leave, but instead surprised me when he pulled out a menu that was half the size of the first and had a black, nameless cover.

He set the menu onto the table, sliding it towards the center as he said, "Would you two care to give our wine list a look? We have many exquisite as well as exotic samples to choose from."

"Actually, that would sound lovely," Tavi said to the stallion before turning to me. "Maurice?"

I grinned at her. "Actually, yeah. That does kinda sound nice, and I'll even let you decide since your wine knowledge is probably better than mine."

"Very well," she said, nodding back at me before taking the menu and opening it. I then watched as Tavi's eyes skimmed through the menu with a slight smile on her face. However, I then became confused when I noticed that that same smile was beginning to falter, going from neutral to a straight out frown. Seconds later, I jumped in my seat when Tavi slammed the menu shut then practically threw it at the stallion.

"Sir," she said to him in a passive-aggressive tone. "Please fetch us a regular wine list, as I have no interest in your foreign brands that have been smuggled here through illegal means."

Confused, I remained in my seat, wondering why the stallion suddenly seemed nervous.

"I-Illegal?!" he nervously stammered. "My, whatever do you mean, my good lady?"

Tavi crossed her forelegs over her chest, raising a knowing brow at him. "Oh don't give me that," she said before pointing at the menu with an accusatory hoof. "That list has Speakeasy written all over it!" The stallion then tried to speak, but all he did was nervously give a near-silent incoherent mutter. Tavi's scowl eased somewhat before she said to him, "Please, just bring the regular menu and I'll over-look this; I don't exactly feel like ruining my pleasant evening by going to the authorities to report this." With wide eyes, the stallion quickly nodded, then walked off.

Once he was gone, I turned to Tavi and spoke in a curious tone. "So what's up with those wines that makes them illegal? Are they like, super bad for you or something?"

"Why no, actually," she said, shaking her head. "They're just as safe as any other alcoholic beverage you'd find at a bar; the problem lies with the fact that they're brands from foreign lands."

I was stumped. "Wait, so they're illegal because they aren't homemade?"

Again, she shook her head. "No no. I...I guess I should explain in greater detail."

Remembering that there was actual food before me, I took a fork and dug into it, listening as Tavi spoke while she somehow--for simplicity's sake, I'm chalking it up to earthpony magic--used her hoof to pick up her own fork as she did so.

"It's not the fact that they come from out of Equestria that's the problem; they're illegal because they come from lands that have yet to establish official trade with Equestria." Tavi stabbed a carrot with her fork, raised it to eye level, then just stared at it as she continued. "I guess it's because these trade discussions have, and many still are, taken decades to establish that several ponies have decided to take advantage of the situation, acquiring vast quantities of those foreign alcoholic brands to smuggle into Equestria, all so that they can sell them here for a much higher price." She daintily placed the carrot into her mouth, then took the time to thoroughly chew it before swallowing. "Normally those brands are smuggled in by a large and organized group, but the practice might diminish soon now that the alleged head of the largest of said groups had been caught months ago and is currently going through trail."

I nodded as I chewed my own food, thinking to myself, Geez, what she described kinda sounds a lot like a mafia...

"So what's the name of the alleged head?" I curiously asked after swallowing.

Stabbing another carrot, Tavi replied. "Actually, you just heard me say it a few minutes ago to the waiter...the head's name is Speakeasy."

I dropped my fork right when I was about to use it to get some more pasta. Wait...isn't Speakeasy the name of the guy Highground wanted me to make sure Tavi gave her message to? The same message I never passed to Tavi? I shook my head. No, there's just no way Tavi or...or even Vinyl could be involved in something illegal. ...Ok, Vinyl maybe, but it wouldn't be for something serious like smuggling! I...I probably misheard Highground since it was kind of a hectic few moments I had with her, what with the punch to my side and all...

To release some built in tension I had, I lightly chuckled as I jokingly asked, "So if the guy's name is Speakeasy, then why had they never caught him sooner?"

Tavi halted bringing a piece of cauliflower to mouth, then lowered it before giving me a confused look. "What exactly do you mean by that?" she asked.

I scratched the side of my head with one finger. "Well uh...the guy's name is Speakeasy...isn't that what you also call one of those bars or stores that sells illegal booze?"

"Yes it is," she quickly answered with a nod.

"Ok...so then wouldn't it be obvious that he's the head of a smuggling organization when he has a name like that?"

With a perplexed expression on her face, Tavi then tilted her head to the side and lightly shook it as she said, "I don't follow. Why would they arrest him solely because of his name?"

I gave her a questioning look, not understanding how she couldn't see the connection. Seconds later, a thought occurred to me. "Wait, are you saying that there could be a pony named Murder McKillingspree and someone would actually say 'Gee, I wonder who murdered Murder McKillingspree's next door neighbor' and honestly be stumped saying that?"

"Wait, what? Slow down," Tavi asked, putting her fork down, then staring at me with an honest to god puzzled look on her face. "Who murdered Murder McKillingspree's neighbor?"

My jaw dropped as I got my answer. I then did the Picard double facepalm as I responded. "No one did...never mind....forget I ever said that..."

"Well...alright then," Tavi said with a shrug as she returned to her meal.

We then took the time to simply enjoy our meals, the both of us occasionally glancing at one another and breaking into a small smile. Eventually the regular wine list came to us, this one delivered by a different waiter. A minute later, the waiter left, then quickly returned with two glasses and the wine Tavi selected. Finished with pouring the wine into our glasses, the waiter left once again.

"You know," Tavi said as I sipped from my glass. "I don't believe I answered your earlier question. The one where you asked what it was that I saw in you..."

I set the glass down and smiled at her. "Oh yeah... We kinda got sidetracked, didn't we?" I leaned in a bit. "So tell me since you re-peaked my curiosity; why did you ask me out, the weird looking alien, when there are so many stallions in town to choose from?"

Tavi rolled her eyes at me. "I wouldn't exactly call you 'weird looking'; in my definition, I'd say you're more along the lines of exotic, unique even."

Smirking, I nodded my head a bit. "Hmm, good to know."

"And as for what I see in you," Tavi added. "If I had to summarize my reasoning, I'd say it was because of your smile."

"My smile?" I questioned, pulling my head back slightly.

"Yes, your smile," Tavi said, lowering her eyes as she used her fork to play with what remained of her food. "Well I guess it's a bit more than that if I actually think about it. You talk with me, and you actually listen, but I guess it was the way you smile at me that won me over." She sighed. "Growing up, I was surrounded by so-called friends who, in truth, were simply yes-ponies encouraged by their parents to befriend me because of my very influential father..." She shook her head. "It was exasperating, really, constantly being flocked by those who had no real interest in you, yet always laughed at your jokes...even at the ones you didn't make..." Tavi then made a bemused noise as she smirked. "I guess the only other pony, other than you, who gave me a smile that was one-hundred percent truly genuine would be Vinyl."

Now this strikes up a question.

"How did you meet her?" I asked. "Vinyl, I mean."

Tavi looked up from her plate to me. "Oh, well...I...I guess it happened back in high school, when I attended Canterlot High. I was in science class one day and happened to be in need of a lab partner for an assignment that involved mixing various chemicals." She smiled while raising a brow at me. "I'd like you to take a guess as to who it was that I got as a partner."

"Vinyl, obviously," I answered, giving a dismissive shrug, and earning a confirmatory nod from Tavi. "You two must have aced that assignment then."

Tavi surprised me when she then shook her head and gave a short hearty laugh. "Oh hell no, the concoction we made exploded in our faces and we scored the lowest grade in the class!"

I leaned forward in disbelief. "What, really?"

"Of course; it didn't help that we were constantly arguing, and I was a bit miffed by the fact that she kept calling me a, and this is her I'm quoting, 'a stuck-up bitch'." Tavi looked towards the ceiling. "Imagine my surprise after she called me that, me of all ponies! Never had I met such a stubborn, brash, and completely rude mare in all of my life." Looking back to me, Tavi finished with, "I simply had to have her as a friend."

Befuddled, I ran my fingers through my hair. "Ok, you're gonna have to reel it back a bit there 'cause that seems like a very sudden jump from hating each others' guts to wanting to befriend Vinyl..."

Tavi picked up her wine glass with her hoof, then looked into it, gently swirling it as she spoke. "It's simple really, Canterlot High was one of the highest rated private schools in Equestria, so the tuition it had ensured that almost all of the student body came from wealthy families." She stopped swirling the glass in order to take a sip from it. Swallowing, she smacked her lips before facing me and continuing. "They were all the same: rich, arrogant, and quick to flaunt their wealth; the only reason you'd see a group of them eating together during lunch and acting all chummy with one another is because they merely saw it as making connections, using their definition of the word 'friendship' as an investment for their future business endeavors." Tavi rolled her eyes in annoyance, as she then said, "Hence the 'yes-ponies' I mentioned earlier."

Her mouth soon formed into a small smile. "But then here comes Vinyl, a mare who didn't try once to put up a facade, showing me emotion so real that I didn't care that it was scorn I was receiving. Right after our assignment exploded in our faces, Vinyl hating me and not being a afraid to show it in that short moment was like...like finding an oasis after traversing a blistering desert for decades. 'If this is what real hate is like,' I thought at the time, 'then what would genuine friendship be like?' Luckily, I was given the opportunity to find out when Vinyl and I were forced to study together for the makeup exam. It was a grueling task, but we were able succeed with a barely passable grade. After that...well...we started off as acquaintances, but to my surprise and glee, began to see each other more consistently." Tavi leaned back into her chair and smiled towards the ceiling. "I guess the moment I officially considered her a friend was when she randomly showed up while I was at my mother's house."

"Your mother's house?" I asked, wondering whey she didn't say 'my house' or 'her parent's house'.

"Oh, of course you'd be confused by my wording," Tavi said, looking back to me with a slightly embarrassed smile. "It's...not something I like to bring up, but my parents lived apart because they were never married; regardless, they were both very loving to me, but it was a tad annoying having to--"

I cut her off, finishing for her. "Having to spend a week at one of your parents' house, then the next at the other's..."

Tavi gave me a somewhat astonished look. "Yes, actually...how did you know that's what I was going to say?"

"I'm psychic," I jokingly said, shaking my head with a smile and giving a dismissive wave. I then gestured at her. "Anyway, uh, continue."

"Right...right," Tavi said with a nod, ceasing the curious once-over she was giving me. "Anyway, the reason I was so moved that Vinyl showed up while I was at my mother's is because my father was the more...well, wealthy of the two." Tavi then gave me a knowing smile as she continued. "Unlike my previous friends, Vinyl didn't show up while I was at my father's mansion so that she could put up a charade of comradery in front of him, no, instead she showed up while I was at my mother's apartment, saying that she wanted to 'hang out' with me."

Tavi's smile got so wide that it became infectious, causing me to smile as well. "Heh, wow, what a great story," I said, placing my elbow on the table and my chin onto my open palm. "So I guess that solves the mystery as to why someone as calm and collected as you became friends with a wildcard like Vinyl, but there's still one thing that I've been meaning to ask you."

"And that is?" Tavi asked after taking a quick sip of her wine.

I then raised my other hand and pointed over the table towards her side. "How'd you get your cutie mark?" I asked. "I know a story usual comes with those magic butt-tattoos since I already heard Twilight's and some of her friends', so I've been dying to know how you and Vinyl got yours."

Casually rolling her eyes, Tavi placed her hooves onto the table as she spoke. "Oh, well...I can't tell you Vinyl's since I don't know it myself, what with her not being the sharing type and all, but I can tell you mine if you'd like."

I nodded. "I would."

"Well...when I was a filly, my mother and I would often play with these musical instruments that she happened to have owned." Grinning, she shrugged. "We didn't exactly make any music, per se, as it was more along the lines of noise that got us several complaints from the neighbors, but we didn't care, we were having fun." Tavi's previously smiling mouth then became neutral. "One day however...my mother happened to have been walking the streets when a nearby building suddenly went up in a gas explosion. Thankfully, no one was hurt, but my mother was close enough to the explosion for it to cause, what we all thought at the time, permanent damage to her hearing; she was near deaf.

I was mortified when I heard, as I thought that we would never be able to play together again. I cried and I cried until one day my father asked me what was wrong and I told him of how desperate I wanted to make music with her again, but none of the instruments we owned could produce a loud enough sound for her to hear." Tavi then smiled. "Imagine my surprise when my father took me to a music store the next day, telling me to have a look around and pick out what ever I would like." Her smile got wider. "Minutes later, I found Marchello near the back and immediately made my purchase."

"Wait, did Marchello like, call to you or something?" I asked with a grin. "Like you just saw him and knew?"

"No," Tavi quickly answered with a a smile and a shake of her head. "I chose Marchello because he happened to be the biggest thing in the store and I wanted to make extra sure that my mother could hear it." Well that shut me up... "Anyway, when my father's week was up, I was returned to my mother's with Marchello in my possession. At the sight of the instrument, my mother thought it was a sweet gesture and decided to humor me by having me play it in front of her; I had to stand on the couch with Marchello propped against it while I had the bow taped to my hoof. Throwing all caution to the wind, I lined up the bow against Marchello's strings for the first time, not caring if it'd all sound like chicken-scratch as long as my mother heard. And when I pulled that string, it was...was...well it was awful really." She made an amused huff. "I remember gritting my teeth because of the sounds I was making and looking at my mother who stared back at me with a mixture of confusion and amusement on her face, yet I forced myself to keep going. I think it was right when I was near the end of my endurance that my mother called my name...telling me to stop because it was so awful..."

"Wait, did you--"

"That's right," Tavi said, cutting me off. "My first time playing the cello was so bad that it restored her hearing...and I couldn't have been happier for it." She then looked to her side and caressed the area where one of her cutie marks was underneath her dress. "It wasn't until she had me put Marchello back in his case that she noticed something new on my flank."

I palmed my forehead as I leaned my head back. "Wow," I said. "What a story..."

"Yes, well, in my opinion, it's not as grand as you might think." Tavi then lightly shook her head before placing a hoof on the table. "But enough about myself, what about you, Maurice? I'd hate for this entire conversation to have been soley about me..."

My gaze wandered onto the table. "Oh, well uh...I'm kinda afraid that if I talk, it might not be as interesting since I already told you most of it when I first moved in..."

Tavi smiled. "Oh I'm sure there's more to you than you might think... I for one have several questions for you that I've never had the opportunity to ask."

Well I guess that saves me the hours of trouble having to scrounge up something conversation-worthy from my dull life. "Shoot." I said.

"Alright," Tavi said, tilting her head to the side. "Why do you wear clothes?" She quickly gestured at herself. "I know I'm wearing some right now, but that's only because this is a special occasion; you on the other hoof, I've never seen without them."

"Huh," I uttered as I brought my hand to my chin. "That's kind of a tough question to answer; everyone in my world wore them, so I never really questioned it since humans have done so for thousands upon thousands of years long before I was even born. If I uh, had to guess, I'd say that they give of some form of protection from the elements and uh...you can tell a human's social class by looking at what they're wearing, also there's..." Ok, this is harder than I thought... "You know what, point is that we've worn them for so long that we'd feel weird walking around without them."

"Alright then, well I suppose that'll have to do for now," Tavi said. "Here's another one... How are you still sane?"

"How am I what?" I asked, leaning forward a bit as I was not sure if I heard her right.

"How are you still sane?" she repeated. "You were taken from your world and dumped into ours, yet you seem to be taking your situation just fine. I know if I was in your predicament, I'd be clawing at the walls in a panic."

I sat back into my chair. "Oh, that's what you meant." I then rubbed the back of my neck, saying, "Well uh...there's a few reasons why I'm so calm." I raised a brow at her before asking, "Does the word 'nerd' have any meaning here?" She nodded. "Ah, well, I'm one of them...or maybe the term I'm looking for is geek? Heck if I know, they were both kind of the same thing to me. Anyway, my world is just full of great stories and ideas told through movies, video games, TV, and books, almost all of which had their own fandoms, and I was knee-deep in several of them." I smiled. "It was great, and through the internet you'd--"

"Internet?" Tavi repeated in a curious tone.

Aw geez, how am I gonna explain that? "Uh...the internet is a thing that humans in my world use to communicate with other humans across the globe. You can use it to send messages to your friends, or buy things from a store without ever setting foot in one, or even watch movies through it." There's also porn, but I don't feel like exposing my people's greatest achievement slash sin to Equestria, especially not to Octavia! "Anyway, what I was going to say was that through the internet, you could find more stories or even chat about one of your favorites with people you've never met before. You can even find art and stories made by people who just have a passion for the stuff," I made a bemused sigh, "even I wrote a thing or two..."

"Wait," Tavi said. "You write?"

"Well uh, poorly, but yeah...I used to write a bit back home." I rolled my eyes. "I even submitted one of my stories to a contest hosted by a movie studio that was looking for ideas. It didn't win, but it was apparently good enough to be one of the runner-ups..." I then shook my head before I raised my hands defensibly. "Ok, to get my point across before I get carried way, I had seen and read lots of stories about someone going to another world, so the concept isn't exactly new to me." I gestured around me, saying, "I just didn't think it would ever happen to me, or that I'd end up...well, here." I smirked. "Heh, also, with the life I've lived, you kinda learn to roll with whatever punches the universe decides to throw at you."

"What do you mean by that last part?" she asked.

I really didn't want to go into any details, so I answered vaguely with, "Lets just say that the universe got bored with the regular shtick it was giving me and decided to kick things up a notch by zapping me with lightning..." In order to prevent her from asking for more details, I decided to bring up this one other thing I've been curious about. "So uh...I got to ask: are you, or both of your parents, or maybe just one of them from out of town?"

Tavi gave me a confused look before responding with, "Why would you ask that?"

"Well I'm asking because of your accent," I said.

"My acc--oh!" Tavi exclaimed before breaking into a smile. "Right, I often forget I have one. No, my parents and I were all born in Canterlot and there's a perfectly good reason as to why I have this accent."

"Aright, and that is?" I said, gesturing for her to go on.

"When I was a small filly, I had a bit of a stuttering problem; nothing serious, but it was something that I grew to resent as I got older. Then one day I just...got fed up with it, as I had become envious off those around me who obviously had no trouble being able to properly pronounce words. So I told my father about it and days later a linguist from Trottingham showed up, hired by my father to help me with my problem." Tavi flashed a small smile. "My instructor's lessons obviously worked, but his accent may have stuck with me..." Smiling, Tavi leaned forward and raised a brow at me. "You know, if we've turned this into a back and fourth, then I believe it's my turn to ask you something now."

"Only fair," I said with a small shrug.

"Alright then...how many human mares have you seen before? There's no way I would be the first you've courted."

My mouth spread into an awkward smile, I rubbed the back of my neck, then placed my other hand onto the table as I spoke. "Uh...you're right...you're not the first person I've dated before... Back on Earth, I had two previous relationships...but uh...those kinda ended not so well for me..."

"Really? And why's that?" Tavi asked.

"Well uh...human girls tend to like you if you're a nice guy and all...but they sort of lose interest if you don't have things like a fancy phone, or...or a nice car...of which I had neither." I shook my head a bit. "Now I'm not saying that all human females are like that, it's just that those two I was with...were."

"Well it's their loss then," Tavi said before reaching her hoof over the table and placing it atop my hand. "Well I for one don't care about the state in which your phone or car are in."

Smiling at her hoof that was on top of my hand, my gaze then shifted towards her eyes. "You don't even know what those are...do you?"

She smiled back. "Not a clue."

"Aw, home sweet not on fire home," I said once the house was in sight. I then walked up to the door and opened it for Octavia.

"Why thank you," Tavi said to me before walking in. "I wonder what Vinyl has been up while we've been...gone..."

Confused as to why she paused, I entered, closed the door behind me, then walked further in and immediately saw why. As if staring at a piece of abstract art, I tilted my head to the side, looking at something that baffled and utterly confused me.

Vinyl...she was in the middle of the living room...wearing my spare shirt and pants that obviously didn't fit her and even had Tavi's bowtie poorly secured around her neck. She was also holding onto Marchello, the same way Tavi would when playing it...only she was using her magic to keep the bow to her hoof. All three of us must have just silently stared wide-eyed at each other for what seemed like minutes.

"Are we...interrupting something?" I eventually asked, gesturing at Vinyl.

Vinyl used her magic to pull up her shades, then broke into an awkward smile before saying, "Oh...hey...you're back... Heh...this is, um, exactly what it looks like..." She carefully set Marchello aside, then walked into her room where she then said one last thing before closing the door. "I'm just gonna change out of these real quick...tail was starting to get a bit of a cramp anyway."

Once the door clicked, Tavi and I turned to one another. "So that was something," Tavi said, pulling her head back slightly.

"Mhmm," I uttered with a nod.

We then just stood where we were for a while, not saying anything until Tavi spoke once again.

"Well uh...I had a wonderful time."

I nodded again. "Yeah, me too. It was great."

"So I guess this is where I..." Tavi approached, then surprised me when she rose onto her hind legs.

"Whoa, what are you doing?" I asked, quickly grabbing onto her forehooves and balancing her, her eye level now up to my shoulders.

"This," Tavi said before surprising me yet again, reaching her head upwards to plant her lips against mine. It was more of a peck, but it was enough for me to taste remnants of the wine she head earlier and catch her milky, almost french vanilla-like natural scent.

Once she pulled back, I released an amused huff, my face getting warmer and my eyes wandering the room. "Oh...heh, wow."

"Maurice," Tavi said, causing my eyes to refocus on her. She sighed. "I like you, Maurice, I really do, but I want to tell you something now before things go any further between us." She looked away before continuing. "I'm not exactly comfortable with the thought of becoming...physically intimate..." She looked back to me with pleading eyes. "I...I hope you understand and would still be interested if we continue seeing each other." She moved my hand closer to her face where she then rubbed it with her cheek. "It's nice...having somepony to come home to."

As the back of my hand gently stroked against her warm fur, I mulled over what she just said. I understood, really, I did... She was basically saying that she wanted to keep dating, but wanted nothing to do with me...sexually, and really, who would blame her? I'm...different from these ponies, considered by many to be a freak, the fact that one of them even considered asking me out was a miracle in itself. I sighed, knowing that this was the best I was ever going to get.

"I'd...I'd like that," I said with a light smile, lowering my head and placing my forehead against hers.

Tavi lightly hummed in acceptance before planting another kiss on my lips, then broke it when she lowered herself back onto four hooves. "Well then," she nearly whispered. "I...I have to rest up now for tomorrow's orchestral practice. So...goodnight, Maurice." She then headed towards her room, looking back at me with a smile the entire way.

"Night," I said, giving a little wave as Tavi entered her room and closed the door behind her.

I placed my hands at my sides and took a deep breath. Well uh...tonight was a success, I thought before moving over to the couch and throwing myself backwards onto it. I decided that I'd just relax in the living room for a while since I didn't want to go to bed just yet. Soon, Vinyl's door opened and she herself stepped out, holding my clothes in her magic that had been bundled into balls.

"Here," she said once she approached, tossing my clothes at me. "I have no idea how you walk around with that crap all day." I unfurled my shirt and saw that it was now wrinkled to the point where it would take me hours of ironing to fix. My mouth agape, I looked to Vinyl and raised a brow. With a roll of her eyes, she merely shrugged, then walked over to the kitchen. "You want a margarita?" she asked me, opening the fridge. "I know I want one."

Actually, that does sound nice; the wine in the restaurant was good and all, but it wasn't exactly my kind of thing.

"Sure," I called into the kitchen.

"Well alright then," Vinyl said before gathering the ingredients and ice, then putting them all in the blender.

Right when her hoof was inches away from the blender's on-button, she stopped when I said, "You know...Tavi's in bed right now, and the second you turn that thing on, she's gonna come out here and murder you..."

Vinyl turned back to me, placing a hoof to her chin. "Hmm, good point." I then watched as she walked into the living room and stood before Tavi's door. Pointing her horn towards the door, Vinyl's horn glowed, highlighting Tavi's room in a magical sheen before quickly evaporating. "There," she said, turning back to me and pointing a hoof at the door, "sound barrier; we can say things like," she turned to door and practically yelled, "OCTY'S CELLO PLAYING IS MEDIOCRE AND CLASSICAL SUCKS," she turned back to me with a smile, finishing in her regular volume, "and she won't here a thing."

I grinned at her. "Well then, aren't you just full of tricks?"

She grinned back. "Eh, I try." She then walked back into the kitchen and finished making those margaritas, loud noise and all.

An hour later, two empty glasses that once had our margaritas in them were sitting on the coffee table while Vinyl and I lied on the couch where I had spent the time telling Vinyl how my date with Tavi went.

"Wait," Vinyl said, her head resting on my chest while I scratched her ear. "So who killed Murder McKillingspree's neighbor?"

I directed my shocked expression towards the ceiling. "How do you not get this?!"

"How can I?" she asked. "There's a guy, and he has a dead neighbor, and nothing else! No clues or nothing!"

I facepalmed. "You know what...ju-just forget it..."

"Alright, whatever," Vinyl said before closing her eyes and twitching her ear, signalling that she wanted me to keep scratching it. I obliged her, and the both us us just stayed quiet for a while until Vinyl spoke. "You know...it's really not fair...for you I mean."

I opened one eye and looked to her. "What's not fair for me?" I asked.

"Octy dating you but not wanting to touch you...in that way."

Both eyes now open, I smirked with a raised brow at her. "Were you eavesdropping earlier?"

Her eyes still closed, Vinyl smiled before saying, "Mmmaaaybe."

I lightly shook my head, looking towards the ceiling as I switched from scratching her ear to just running my fingers through her mane. "I'm fine with it, really... It's not like there's anyone else who'd be interested in me, and Tavi's great."

"Uh..."

"She's smart."

"Nnn."

"Great to talk with."

"A-ah."

"Nice."

"M-Ma--"

"And even beautiful...in that pony sort of way..."

"M-Maurice!" Vinyl suddenly yelled.

I quickly looked back to her. "What? Why'd yo--" I stopped mid-sentence, my eyes shooting wide open when I realized why she called my name. As I was talking, my fingers had unknowingly been tracing up and down her horn... "Oh, crap, I'm sorry!" I yelled, instantly pulling my hand back and sitting upright on the couch.

One thing that Twilight explained to me about unicorn anatomy is that having a unicorn's horn touched by another is basically the human equivalent of having a nipple rubbed.

"Shit, Vinyl, I-I didn't mean to!" I said in a panic. "I didn't realize what I was doing!"

Sitting upright at the other side of the couch, Vinyl's gaze was lowered as she lightly panted, her face seeming a bit red. She shook her head. "N-Nah man, it's cool," she said, waving her hoof dismissively.

I got up from the couch. "Vinyl, it's not cool, I ju--"

"Maurice!" Vinyl exclaimed as she faced me. "It's cool, alright?" She huffed. "Besides...it's not like I hated it..."

"What?" I asked.

Vinyl didn't answer, instead, she faced forward, looking towards me, but not at me, almost as if she were in thought. She then made a loud sigh before saying to me, "Fuck it, you and me, lets go."

I just stared at her in total confusion before uttering, "What?"

Vinyl facehoofed as she made an exasperated noise. "Ugh, am I gonna have to draw you a map? I'm asking you to have sex with me!"

I looked at her like she couldn't be serious, waiting for her to burst into laughter and say that it was a joke...but she never laughed...

"Ah, geez, Vinyl..." I said, rubbing the back of my neck. "I'm tempted, I really am, and I probably would have taken up your offer if you asked more than a week ago...but I'm with Tavi now," I shook my head, "I'm not gonna cheat on her."

Vinyl smiled, much to my confusion, then tilted her head to the side as she crossed her forelegs over her chest. "Alright, you're a good buck." She then leaned forward and said, "But is it really cheating when she told you from the very beginning that she doesn't want to sleep with you?" I raised a hand and opened my mouth to speak, but no words escaped me. Vinyl shrugged. "Look, I'm not asking you to leave her for me or anything like that, I've been thinking for a while about what it'd be like doing a hooman and now I just so happen to have an itch that needs scratching." She smirked, raising a brow at me. "And if I'm guessing right, so do you."

I didn't want to admit this, but...she's right. Ever since I've been in this world, whenever I'd feel...pent up, I'd just take care of it myself, but lately...it hasn't been as effective...

"S-so what if I do?" I said. "I still don--"

"Listen," Vinyl interrupted. "All I'm asking from you is pointless, meaningless sex, sex that Octy doesn't want. I have no interest in dating you, so you can give all your romantic sappy crap feelings to Octy. Now do you still consider it cheating?"

I was conflicted; part of me was saying that is was, but another part was saying that it wasn't.

Running my hand through my hair, I nervously replied with, "I...I don't know, Vinyl..."

Vinyl smirked. "You know, that don't sound like a no to me..." She then hopped off the couch and walked towards her room, using her magic to, like a dog on a leash, pull me along by my tie.

I considered resisting, but didn't when I started to think that maybe Vinyl has a point...that maybe...maybe I needed this. I have been a bit stressed out lately, what with waiting this entire week for Highground to spring out of any alley I passed by at night, and for all I knew, Vinyl probably had some stress too. She did say that it'd be meaningless sex, so maybe we could simply use each other to just scratch the other's itch. Giving in, I allowed Vinyl to pull me the rest of the way to her room's door.

Using her magic, Vinyl opened the door, then turned the light on, revealing...one of the messiest rooms I have ever seen... I mean, it was a nice room, and I liked it's light-blue walls that were covered by evenly spaced rows of record vinyls, but her bed at the far side of the room looked like it had never been made, her closet was just full of wires, speakers, and other music playing equipment--some of which had been scattered around the floor, siting alongside crushed soda cans and empty bags of chips. All in all, this place could use some serious spring cleaning.

With natural ease, Vinyl walked past the minefield she called her room, heading towards her bed as she pulled me along. Halfway through, I accidentally kicked a lone turntable, turning it on and causing the record on it to spin before its needle automatically lowered onto it. Seconds later, one of the speakers started to play a song, not at a blaring volume, but just low enough so that only Vinyl and I could hear.

Directing me towards the foot of the bed, Vinyl stood on her hindlegs, then placed a forehoof onto my chest and the other on my shoulder. With half-lidded eyes, Vinyl flashed a cocky smile at me before leaning forward to kiss me not with passion, but with pure, unadulterated lust. Her sweet, raspberry-like scent instantly flooding my senses, I returned the gesture, wrapping her in my arms with one hand placed on her back and the other running through her mane, opening my mouth when Vinyl's tongue tried to gain access. Being of a different species, I found that her tongue was a bit different than a human's, but not by much; if I had to describe it by the way I was feeling it up with mine, I'd say that it was just a bit broader. There was no doubt that Vinyl was noting the differences as well, as her tongue found special interest in my canines.

Right as I was getting into it, Vinyl pulled back, causing me to stare at her with a confused look. Her response was a mere grin before she used her hoof that was still at my chest to shove me away, causing me to lose my balance and fall backwards onto the bed with a thud. Sighing amusingly at her ceiling, I looked towards Vinyl and gave her a playful, knowing smile.

"I'm uh...gonna need an adult... Like, several of them..."

She smiled back, saying something that I did not expect to hear.

"I am an adult..."

Author's Note

So...the mature and sex tags are finally gonna be getting some use in the next mini chapter...

Here's my patreon. Come on guys, I'd really like to go to my first ever convention. Babscon.

After The Dinner-Date [Clop]

Author's Note

Warning, this contains sex and more sex.

This is my first attempt at clop so forgive me if it's meh.

After The Dinner-Date [Clop]

"I am an Adult," Vinyl said, an alluring look in her eyes as she placed her forehooves on the bed, then pulled herself onto it, straddling me at the hips in a quick, cat-like movement. I caught a quick glance at her pink marehood when she did that, but my vision was soon obstructed by her face coming in for another kiss.

With our lips locked, we continued where we left off, her tongue feeling up the points of my teeth while mine kept trying to bat it away. Seconds later, I made a pained grunt, as my growing arousal was being squished by my pants and Vinyl's butt. She pulled her head back, a strand of our mixed saliva momentarily linking our lips together before breaking. Now sitting upright atop of me, Vinyl gazed into me, her lips spreading into a sultry smile as she probably felt my member beneath her trying to reach its full length in tempo with my heartbeat.

"Are you gonna strip, or are you gonna fuck me through your pants?" Vinyl asked in a tone that I could only describe as half joking, half 'sexually aggressive'.

Fearing that she might rip my new clothes off me with her teeth, I undressed, untying my tie then removing my vest and shirt before tossing them aside. After using my feet to remove the others' shoes and socks, I then undid my belt and wiggled out of my pants--making movements that Vinyl seemed to enjoy. I was then left with just my boxers on, it being the only thing keeping me from complete nudity.

Flashing me that constant grin, Vinyl raised herself a bit, allowing me to scoot back further on the bed and free my painfully throbbing member from under her. Released from under Vinyl's weight, my shaft found a new obstacle in the form of my boxers, pitching a tent as it tried to raise against the thin fabric, gaining Vinyl's attention.

With a grin, Vinyl's eyes went from mine to the tent then back again. Then, instead of using her magic, Vinyl placed her hooves on the waistband and began to pull my boxers downwards, but was immediately stopped her when I grabbed her hooves.

"Um..." I said in an uneasy tone. "Bit of a warning, it might be different than what you're used to..."

"What?" Vinyl said with a smile at me, raising her brow. "It's not like a duck or an echidna's, is it?"

I had a three second laugh before shaking my head and saying, "Sorry to disappoint you, but oh thank God no! Humans don't have four dicks, and the one I do have isn't going to be piercing through the heavens anytime soon! No, I'm just giving you a--"

"Whoops," Vinly slyly said, playing off the act of pulling my boxers off as an accident, causing my stiff member to spring out inches away from her face.

"...heads up..."

"What?" Vinyl asked, laying in the space between my open legs as she inspected my standing erection from all angles, causing me to have Nam-like flashbacks to Twilight cupping my balls...'for science'. "You were saying something that was probably one of your human references thingies and I got curious! Hmm," she curiously hummed, gently batting my shaft to the side with her hoof, only for it to spring back in place. "You know," she said, still inspecting it, "it's not that different from what I thought it'd be like." She brought her nose closer and gave it a sniff. "Smell's pretty nice...heh, kinda like it."

"Uh..." I uttered with a half smile, amused by the sight of Vinyl examining my uh...nether regions. However, I soon jolted when Vinyl suddenly, and without warning, placed her wet tongue on the base of my shaft, then in one long motion, brushed it all the way to the tip, collecting a bit of pre that had been building there.

"Hmm," Vinyl sounded, pulling her head back before placing a hoof to her chin, smacking her tongue against the roof of her mouth. "Taste ain't bad either, but I wonder if I can even--" Suddenly, Vinyl surprised me yet again when she lowered her head to my shaft and opened her mouth, taking the whole thing in. Her hot breath was the first thing I felt before feeling her moist tongue sliding against the under-section of my member as it slid further in, only to stop when I felt the tip brush against what I believe to be the back of her throat.

Vinyl's eyes widened before she started to gag, instantly pulling her head back and exposing my now slick member to the cooler air. She sat upright on her haunches and looked away, her actions mimicking that of a cat trying to coughing up a hair-ball as she tried to keep herself from hurling. Worried for her, I sat upright as well and started to pat her back.

"O-Okay," she said in-between short retches. "Liiitle deeper than I thought I could..."

"Gee, uh...thanks?" I said, still patting her back, not knowing if I should take that as a compliment or not.

"Alright," Vinyl said with a nod, raising a hoof, "I'm good now." She smiled slyly at me. "So how about returning some of that attention, hmm?"

She moved over to the center of the bed and laid down on her back, then with one foreleg draped over her forehead, Vinyl gave me that signature, cocky smile of hers as she slowly spread her hindlegs open, revealing a small set of breasts atop her glistening, pink marehood. Just the sight of this caused my hard-on to throb even more painfully, and the fact that I caught the scent of her marehood's pleasant-smelling musk wasn't helping, but I endured, as I chose to familiarize myself with Vinyl's body first.

Lowering myself, I carefully placed my hand atop one of her breasts, instantly feeling a warm sensation as well as finding it to be incredibly soft. I barely noticed Vinyl's gasp when I began to gently knead her breast, placing my thumb over her pink, swollen teat--which was under a much thinner layer of fur--and rubbing it. Realizing that I was leaving her other breast untouched, I lowered my head towards it where I then gave the teat there a quick flick of my tongue, causing Vinyl to shudder under me.

As I continued to massage one breast, I began to suckle on the other, giving it the occasional playful nibble. Looking up at Vinyl, I smiled around the nipple in my mouth, seeing that mouth was agape in pleasure as she made half moans, her hooves looking as if they were tying to dig through the bedsheet, disheveling the already messy bed even further.

After of few minutes of this, I pulled my head back, releasing her teat from my mouth with a quiet pop before deciding to move on to the main attraction. Moving myself lower down her body resulted in having my face half a foot away from Vinyl's soaked flower. I smiled at the sight of it, thankful that appearance-wise, it wasn't that different from a human female's, as it spared me from having to do much guess-work; the only distinction I could note was that it was bordered by her white fur and that it was giving off a strong, musky scent, but it wasn't an overpowering or unenjoyable smell, as it faintly reminded me of raspberries and...is that strawberry?

With her scent entering my nostrils and driving me further, I placed two fingers atop her clit, causing Vinyl to jolt before I began to run them downward, tracing her lower-lips and coating them in her juices. I brought my hand up to my sight and began to rub those fingers with my thumb, spreading her natural lubricant around before curiously dabbing a finger on my tongue.

The taste was tangy, a bit salty, but there was also... Yup...strawberry...

Looking away from my hand, I saw that Vinyl was staring at me with pleading eyes, the fur around her face red from blushing, and her breaths shallow. After giving a grin and receiving a wider one from her, I decided to give Vinyl the relief she so obviously wanted. I licked my two fingers clean of what remained of her, then began to lower my face to her marehood. Vinyl probably knew what I was up to, as she raised her hindlegs and placed them over my shoulders, allowing me to pull her in closer.

With her fragrance overpowering my senses, I stuck my tongue out and gave her one long lick, starting from the bottom of her vulva and ending at her engorged clit, tasting even more of her nectar. Vinyl couldn't help but loudly moan as I did that, even more when my tongue began to poke and prod against her entrance, trying to gain admittance. Once in, I slathered my moist muscle against her twitching inner-walls, getting more of her taste and adding my own lubricant to what was already there.

Thinking that that was enough, I pulled my head back, lengthening a thin string of fluid connecting my mouth to her marehood before breaking. I then brought in my earlier used fingers, using them to lovingly caress her lower lips and clit before steadily pushing them past her folds and into her entrance. Vinyl tensed up in one long moan as they entered, making me glad that my earlier efforts with my tongue weren't in vain, as the lubricant I mixed in there ensured that there would be little resistance or discomfort for her.

"FFFuck!" Vinyl yelled, arching her back and having a bit of drool run down the side of her wide, constant smile, her incredibly warm inner-walls twitching against my still advancing fingers. "Fingers a-are fff-fucking awesome!"

I grinned at that, then with my fingers still entering, I moved my mouth atop her clit before wrapping it with my lips, playfully nibbling it and giving it the occasional lick when I got it in-between my teeth; Vinyl practically shrieked from this new sensation I was giving her, her head thrashing from left to right on the bed.

Once my fingers went as deep as they could, I began to slowly pull them out, bending my digits a bit so that they brushed against Vinyl's inner-walls that were making vain attempts to keep them in. With them almost out, I moved them back in, then out again, repeating the process over and over in a slowly increasing rate. Reaching a moderate pace, I kept at it, releasing her clit from my mouth and taking pleasure in seeing Vinyl's blushing face look to the side as she panted in tune with my entering and exiting fingers, occasionally giving a bliss-filled yelp whenever I stroked past her sweet spot.

Getting adventurous, I moved my free hand over one of her breasts where I then began to squeeze and grope the flesh, Vinyl's reaction being that of a throaty moan before she began to buck into my hand assaulting her marehood.

After a minute of this passed by, Vinyl's bucking increased in speed, forcing my fingers to do so as well in order to compensate. Vinyl soon gave one last buck into my fingers and held, arching her back again while releasing one long, pleasure-induced wail as her inner-walls clamped around my fingers before her warm marecum gushed out of her entrance, some of it landing onto my hand and the rest pooling beneath her, slowly being absorbed by her bedsheet.

Vinyl, clearly reaching the end of her climax, flopped back onto the bed, gazing off to the side with an exhausted grin on her face. After pulling my fingers out of her, and having her twitch as I did that, I sat on my knees, looking down contently at the unicorn whose eyes were half-open as her stomach rose and fell with her quick, deep breathing.

Half a minute of catching her breath later, Vinyl's eyes refocused on me, a smile growing on her face before saying, "Alright...guess it's my turn to return the favor now..."

Suddenly, with energy I didn't know she had, Vinyl sat back up, then tackled into me, causing me to fall backwards and stare at the ceiling again, my head inches away from the bed's edge and her tail brushing against my still stiff sex. My view of the ceiling was soon obscured by Vinyl's face, eclipsing over me before lowering for another tongue wrestle. A tongue wrestle I was clearly losing since mine could barely compete with her stronger, more forceful tongue--but hey, I was a good sport, so I wasn't complaining.

Ending the match with a gentle bite and pull to my lower lip before releasing it, Vinyl cast a knowing smile down to me, then moved lower down my body, shifting out of my view and allowing me to see the ceiling again. Seconds later, I instantly felt something warm and moist moving up, down and around my skyward-pointing erection. Propping my upper half by my elbows, I looked down (or 'forward' by an observer's perspective) and saw that she was eagerly licking at my hard member, using the same motions someone would when trying to keep a melting ice-cream cone from dripping.

I huffed, smiling from the pleasure I was receiving from Vinyl's tongue brushing against my manhood in rough yet enjoyable movements from base to tip. Soon, she mixed it up by engulfing the tip into her mouth, lapping at it from the inside with her tongue, causing goosebumps to ripple through my body. Her eyes focused on mine, she smiled around my sex, then began to lower her head, taking in more of my erection past her lips as she sucked and wrapped her tongue around the arriving flesh. Knowing what she was dealing with now, Vinyl tried to deep-throat me, succeeding when her lips made it to the hilt of my arousal.

After keeping it there for a bit, she began to pull her head back, her tongue constantly wrapping around my cock as it exited her mouth. She stopped when only the head remained, looking to my eyes and giving me a quick wink before lowering herself again. Soon, she started to bob her head up and down, my throbbing erection going in and out of her mouth, sucking on it as her tongue constantly slithered around it, making barely audible smacks and slurping noises as she did so.

I groaned, letting her know that she was doing great, then moved my hand towards her and gently brushed aside a bit of her mane that was starting to obscure her eyes. In response to that, Vinyl locked her eyes with mine before actually trying to say 'thanks' around my rock-hard erection still in her mouth, coming out more as 'phanfs' and causing me to shut my eyes and exhale from the pleasant-feeling vibration she sent up my length. I opened my eyes again and smiled at her, getting an idea.

Implementing what I had in mind, I ran my hand through her mane, gingerly inching my way towards her horn, then evoking a groan from her when I reached it. Still bobbing, she gave me a questioning look before shutting her eyes tightly and moaning when I began to trace my fingers up and down her horn, moving them in the opposite direction her head was going. Now getting it, Vinyl picked up the pace of her bobbing, panting and groaning around my member because of the sensations I was returning to her.

The warmth, the moistness, her stifled voice, it was all too much, as I was nearing my limit.

"V-Vinyl," I muttered, moving my fingers away from her horn and gently clamping my hand onto her head. "I'm...I'm close."

I'm not entirely sure, but I think I felt her lips trying to curl into a smile before she bobbed even faster, quickly draining what little restraint I still had.

A minute later, after trying to hold out as long as I could, I grunted, my heart pounding and my vision suddenly going white as I reached my climax. Vinyl's eyes widened as my throbbing member began to spurt rope after rope of my seed into her mouth, quickly filling it to the point where there was no longer any room, yet she continued her movements, trying to swallow as much as she could but to no avail. With a gasp, Vinyl pulled back, releasing my member from her mouth and taking a much needed breath as the last of my seed volleyed towards her face, white ropes streaking across her muzzle, over one of her eyes, and even on her mane. Quickly recovering, she opened her mouth and stuck her tongue out, trying to catch the very last spurt as if it were a raindrop. She succeeded, but the very end of that rope stained her chin.

Sitting up on her haunches, Vinyl flicked her head to the side, whipping her short mane out from obstructing her eyes again, then looked to the ceiling and swallowed with a satisfied 'Ah' sound. She lowered her gaze, looking towards me with one eye closed and the other half-open, a wide grin on her face. Returning the gesture, I sighed in disbelief before palming my forehead.

"Heh," I uttered, taking deep breaths with a goofy grin on my face. "Wow..."

"Wow is right, though I could do without the collateral damage," Vinyl said, gesturing at her face. Because my brain was still riding out that high, it took me a moment to remember that I just jizzed on her face, what with it nearly being the same color as her fur an' all.

"Oh, uh, sorry," I said with a half-smile, half-grimace, sitting up to wipe the stuff away from over her closed eye.

"Eh," Vinyl replied with a shrug, smacking her lips a bit. "Kinda my fault anyway; got a little greedy." She lowered her eyes to my shaft that was now at half mast. "Speaking of which..." I tensed up when she quickly lowered herself and wrapped her lips around my head, sucking out what remained of my seed from within it.

"A-Ah..." I uttered, shutting my eyes and gritting my teeth. Jesus! Does she not know when to quit?!

Popping it free from her mouth, Vinyl spoke while giving it a few licks. "Mmm, too bad...too bad it's over now."

"O-Over?" I asked quizzically.

"Yeah," Vinyl said, still licking at it. "You know...'cause...'cause you won't be ready again till the next...the next day..." With gritted teeth, I tried to ask her what she meant by that, but was then interrupted when she suddenly pulled her head back and yelled, "Holy fuck! It's getting hard again!"

Confused, I looked down at my stiffy, then to her. "Uh, yeah. And this is a surprise because...?"

"Wait," Vinyl said with a baffled expression on her face, her gazing moving from me to my dick, then back again. "Are you saying that hooman stallions can get a hard-on again so soon after cumming? No having to wait till the next day for round two?"

Wait, really? Their refractory period is that long? Wow that must suck...

I nodded. "Eh, yeah...just give us a couple minutes and we'd be ready again, lickety-split."

Vinyl's jaw basically dropped. "Oh. My. Gosh. This opens like, so many possibilities!"

"So...I'm guessing you want to go again?" I asked, half smiling.

Grinning, Vinyl closed the distance between us, sitting right above my crotch while placing her forehooves on my shoulders. "Do I really have to ask?" she rhetorically asked before playfully forcing me flat against the bed.

Looking over my chest, I watched as Vinyl lifted herself up a bit, steadying her forehooves on my navel and her hindlegs around my waist as she positioned her drenched marehood over my revitalized member. Once she began to lower herself, the sensation of my tip slowly but surely making contact with her moist yet warm folds made me shudder in ecstasy. However, a thought then occurred to me.

"Wait," I said, causing her to pause, her warmth shared through my tip.

Vinyl's head shot up from where she was trying to align our nearly joined sexes, looking at me with a slightly annoyed face. "What?" she nearly growled, possibly agitated because of my interruption.

My eyes looked down to my hard erection that was about to enter her, unprotected. Returning my gaze to her, I asked, "Do you have like a...a condom or something?"

Raising her brow, she made an amused huff. "Why?" she asked. "Afraid I'll get knocked up?" Shaking her head, she lightly chuckled. "Heh, that ain't gonna happen, what with that thing you mentioned earlier about hoomans not having magic an' all, so no worries." She shrugged, then smiled evilly at me. "Besides...I intend to take full advantage of that fact."

"Well uh, you have a point there, so...alright then," I said, a bit intimidated by that smile.

Vinyl rolled her eyes before looking down our sexes. "Now where were we? Oh, right...this," she said as she began to lower herself again, my head parting her folds before carefully being admitted by her velvety entrance.

I immediately gritted my teeth, my heart pounding in my chest and skipping a few beats as I sank deeper into her inch by inch, feeling her burning hot warmth and earlier arousal encompassing my shaft. The pace however was short lived when Vinyl somehow lost her footing, yelping when she accidentally impaled herself on me, adopting a shocked, wide-eyed expression.

"Vinyl!" I exclaimed, looking at her pained face with worry, ready to hoist her off me.

Right when I was about to do so, I stopped when Vinyl shut her eyes, raising her head towards the ceiling as she moaned while biting her bottom lip.

"F-Fuck!" she groaned before looking back at me with labored breaths. She opened her mouth to say something, but all that came out was incoherent noises. It took her a few tries with her mouth agape to form some words. "S...sta--start moving..."

I breathed a sigh of relief that she wasn't in pain, then went about to grant that request. With my rock-hard, throbbing length now deep within her and fully hilted, I began to gyrate my hips a bit, causing Vinyl to quiver and make more half-noises. After moving my arms under her and placing my hands under her flanks, I began to lift, encouraging her to raise on her own power.

"A-Ah," Vinyl cooed, moving in rhythm with my hands that were now holding on to her at both sides of her waist, pulling myself out of her all the way to the head before taking it back in.

Vinyl, adopting the pattern of raising, falling, then repeat, I decided to meet her halfway by bucking into her, the both of us slowly gaining more momentum as time went by, time that I then learned something new about Vinyl.

"Fuck me! Yeah, you like that don't you?! Pound my pussy!"

Vinyl's...a dirty talker...

I merely rolled my eyes and smiled at her swears and name calling, not saying much myself since I was busy trying to concentrate on not ending things early. She wasn't making it easy. Soon, our movements became loud and wet smacks, which made sense since Vinyl was practically jumping atop me at this point, causing the bed to creak in an effort to scratch that itch she mentioned earlier, and judging by her moans, yelps, and loud pants...I was scratching it.

Moments later, I felt that the finale was swiftly approaching.

"V-Vinyl," I said in between pants. "I'm...I'm close!"

Vinyl doubled her efforts, the both of us hot and sweaty. "C--Cum inside!" she yelled.

At the very edge of my limit, I quickly sat up and embraced Vinyl as I came. Returning the embrace, she bit my shoulder and moaned into it as my length fired spurt after spurt of my seed into her, a pleasant shock running up my spine and hitting my brain like one of those test of strength carnival games, filling me with a euphoric feeling. I shuddered, my body feeling as it were lighter, almost like I was falling. Near the end of my load, Vinyl bit my shoulder even harder, now screaming around it as her own climax fought it out with my own, coating her inner-walls.

After it was over, I fell backwards from sheer exhaustion, Vinyl's chin now resting atop my chest while we were still joined at the hips. I could feel her heart rapidly beating and I had no doubts that she could feel mine as well. A minute later, after the both of us catching our breaths, Vinyl spoke.

"Man I love...love that full feeling," she tiredly said, moving to rest at my side and rubbing her belly with a hoof after popping my quickly deflating member out from her and leaving a trail of our mixed fluids over the bed and my thigh.

With bated breath, I replied. "Glad...glad ya liked it then..."

She didn't say anything, and after taking the effort to turn my head, I saw why it was she went quiet. Her eyes were closed, and she was drooling onto the sheet, obviously asleep. Staring at that satisfied and serene look in her face as she slept, I began to feel my own eyelids...getting...getting heavy...

"Hmm? Finally, you're asleep. Now we can play those video games you keep in your subconscious."

"...Luna?"

I Should Start Charging Rent For Use Of My Dream Space

After turning the knob, I opened the door and walked through it, only for my eyes to widen in shock, horrified by the sight before me. Ponyville...the town was in ruins; buildings were either reduced to ash or the skeletal remains of what they once were while ponies walked the streets in single-file lines, all linked to one another by heavy wrought iron chains cuffed around their hooves. With fear etched into their expressions, they walked with their gazes lowered to the ground, all of them covered in soot and dust as they hauled lumber and metal on their backs or by a wagon towards some kind of monument being built in the center of town.

Taking a few tentative steps forward, I walked towards a chain gang of ponies who were heading my way.

"Excuse me," I said to the mare leading the bunch, causing her, and the rest behind her, to stop. "What happened? How did Ponyville become like," I gestured around me, "like this? Who's responsible?"

The mare didn't answer, and neither did the others, but, moments later, with their gazes still to the ground, they all raised a hoof with the clanking of chains and pointed in one direction. Following their hooves, I discovered that they were pointing at...at...

I blinked.

No... No, this couldn't be right... They were all pointing at the Crystal Castle, where I spotted a familiar figure looking out from one of the balconies. This figure was looking down at everypony, baring an expression that was callous, lacking any emotion, and unsympathetic, giving commands as if they wielded an iron hoof.

It was Twilight, and she...she...had a pancake over her head? Also, I noticed that her hair was styled differently; I like it, very slick.

The mare I asked earlier finally spoke up, almost startling me. "It was her, she's the one responsible for all this...Baroness Flapjack..."

I straight-faced at the mare, thinking that she couldn't be serious. "Baroness Flapjack?" I questioned, turning back to Twilight, my face contorting in confusion. "What the fuc--"

"Ah, there you are!" a mare shouted, cutting me off mid-curse. Turning towards the voice, I saw that it was...

"Luna?" I asked, even more confused as to why she standing at the other side of the doorway that I came from. "What's going on?"

"Apologies, Maurice, I was a bit careless." With a sheepish grin, Luna shrugged. "I took ten minutes off our gaming session to go help some fillies with their nightmares, so I might have forgotten to close a few doors." She walked through the door, then looked around the ruins of Ponyville. "Ah, it appears that Ms. Sparkle is having that world domination dream again. What is it this time, sentient books again?"

As soon as she finished that sentence, I stood as still as a stature when a group of pancakes in the size and shape of ponies marched by; each one had sunny side up eggs for eyes, strips of haybacon for mouths, were adorned in armor, and wielded spears.

"Ah, I see," Luna uttered with an understanding nod, her eyes tracking the breakfast battalion as they turned the corner.

Wanting answers for what I just witnessed, I raised my hand like a student in class. "Ok, uh...question." I waited for Luna to turn back to me before I continued. "Why are you speaking like that? Since when do you say 'I' instead of 'We'? You don't sound like Venom anymore..."

Luna raised a brow at me. "Really? Sentient pancakes walk by and you question my speech patterns?"

I nodded. "Yeah diggy dog."

"Diggy dog?" Luna repeated, puzzled by my response before her face lit up in understanding. "Oh, of course; you're not one hundred percent there." With a short sigh, she lightly shrugged. "Well, I might as well tell you since you're not going to remember once you awaken. But first," she walked back through the door and gestured with her head for me to follow, "step back into the Dreamscape so I may return you to your own dream space."

"Awesomesauce," I said with a nod before walking through the doorway, stepping back into that weird star-filled hallway.

Luna closed the door behind me, then spoke as she began to walk down the hall with me following closely behind.

"As for why I'm speaking like this, I may have picked up a few lessons from your grade school memories."

Looking at all the differently designed doors we were passing, I replied with, "Uh-huh, wow that must have taken you forever."

"It has," Luna answered. "But time flows differently in the Dreamscape, so that decade or two worth of your memories translated to a few months in the waking world. Forgive me for prying to such a degree, but that human world of yours is...fascinating; I couldn't help myself."

I stopped, then placed my hands at my hips as I smiled at Luna. "Aw, well that's not cool... Now you know all of my deepest, darkest secrets...like how big my schlong is."

Looking away, Luna lightheartedly scoffed. "Eh...you can relax... Every mind has barriers that prevent me from seeing private things that one does not wish to share; I can only witness what the mind allows, so not once have I ever see you using the bathroom." Stopping before a door, she shrugged. "Besides, I was more interested in those 'pop culture' things such as shows, movies and video games--one of which we were making good progress on before I had to take off suddenly." Luna turned to the door behind her, then opened it with her magic, revealing a black abyss at the other side where the only items I could see within it was a TV hooked up to all the consoles I've ever played and a couch surrounded by all kinds of junk food. "Well, here we are," Luna said, moving around me before shoving me in through the doorway. "I still wish to defeat this 'Majora' character and stop him from destroying the land with his perverse moon, so in you g--"

I awoke with a jolt, raising my head by a few inches when I was startled by the sound of birds tweeting so close to the window. After discovering that the sound was just...you know, birds, I strained to open my drowsy eyes by a crack. Seeing that there was barely any light coming through the windows, I realized that it was the break of dawn--much too early for me.

Damn birds, I thought. Never been this loud before... Also...why am I getting that 'made it really far in a game but forgot to save' feeling? Eh...whatever...

Deciding to go back to sleep, I closed my eyes and flopped my head back down, the mattress creaking with my movements as I lazily ran my fingers through Vinyl's mane.

...Wait, what?

Ten seconds later, I quickly lifted my head again, my eyes splaying open before I took in the sight before me. Vinyl...she was asleep, resting her head on my chest, drooling on it even. I stared at her confused, wondering why she was in my bed, in my roo--

This isn't my room!

Suddenly, memories of last night began to flood back, causing my chest to rise and fall with my rapid breathing, Vinyl's head moving along with it. Panicking, my desire to go back to sleep was replaced by the need to just...to just get out of here. Being extra cautious with my movements, I began to slither out of Vinyl's bed, using my arms to carefully lift her off me and lower her onto the mattress, placing her head atop a pillow that she then hugged.

Now free, I began to walk around the room, quietly gathering my clothes, not taking the time to put them back on before I then slowly opened the door. After sticking my head out and seeing that no one was in the living room, I walked out of the room, then closed Vinyl's door behind me with a soft click before walking towards the bathroom. Entering it and locking the door, I tossed my clothes in the hamper and stood before the sink where I then turned on the faucet to splash my face with cold water.

Why did I do that?! I questioned, turning the faucet off and watching the rest of the water spiral down the sink. I get into a relationship with Octavia, and not an hour later sleep with Vinyl?! Observing the water drip off my face and land into the sink, I tried to make sense of it.

I...I was drunk...y-yea--

Another voice within me spoke up.

Drunk?! From half a glass of wine and one margarita?! Pfft, tipsy, yeah, but not drunk! We both know your Hispanic blood gives you plus five alcohol resistance...you knew what you were doing.

"Shut up," I said through gritted teeth, shacking my head in an attempt to silence that voice. "And where were you last night?"

The voice spoke up again. Uh, pushed out of the driver's seat by your boner...duh.

Slamming my palms into my face, I stopped fighting with myself and immediately became disgusted with my actions.

"Oh God...I'm no better than...than..."

I removed my hands from my face and looked into the mirror above the sink, then immediately regretted that decision when I saw who it was looking back at me. Tearing my eyes away from the mirror, I gazed into the sink as I hyperventilated.

No, I thought, shaking my head. No, do not start comparing yourself to...to HIM... I tried to calm down by taking a few deep breaths, then attempted to rationalize things. Y-Your situation is...is different...much, much different than his ever was, or ever could be.

And it was. Octavia said she wanted a sexless relationship, which I was fine with, really; I could understand why she wouldn't want to sleep with me, what with ponies perceiving me as the weird looking alien and all. I do click with Tavi, like her even, so I would love to pursue a romantic relationship with her, and I know very well that sex isn't the most important part of a relationship. But still...it is a vital part...which may have played a part as to why I accepted Vinyl's offer... Seeing that she offered meaningless sex with no strings attached, Vinyl was probably just looking for an exotic experience.

I gave a heavy sigh, as now I realized that I shouldn't have jumped into bed with Vinyl so suddenly. Instead, I should have given it some serious thought other than 'it might ease some of that Highground stress out of me.' Well...I guess I can say that it worked, as I no longer cared about Highground, but now there was a new matter causing me grief. This new matter happened to be the same question I asked myself last night. A question I was too stupid to fully think through before making my hasty decision.

Is it cheating?

Once again, I was conflicted, and Vinyl wasn't here this time to be the tie breaker. A part of me was saying that it was, that I shouldn't even think of touching another, while another part said that it wasn't, that because Tavi clearly stated that she had no intention of sleeping with me, I was free to sleep around with whoever, just as long as it remained purely physical and that by the end of the day, Octavia was the one I came home to, to share my love with--and only--her...

It was impossible for me to wrap my head around this; it was like they were both offering me one-half of a whole: a relationship with no sex, and sex with no relationship.

Unable to solve my dilemma, I gave my head a quick shake before deciding to risk another peek at the mirror. After slowly raising my gaze from the sink, I found that it was my own reflection looking back at me this time.

"Oh thank God," I muttered, breathing a sigh of relief before examining myself.

Still in my naked glory, I noticed that there were blue rings under my eyes--most likely because I never get up this early--and that one side of my hair was disheveled while the other half was flattened from when I must have slept on it for a long period. There was also a row of teeth-shaped indents on my shoulder, caused by Vinyl's bite, as well as a shimmering spot on my chest; after dabbing my fingers on it, I realized it was the cooling remains of Vinyl's drool.

"Eeeugh," I sounded, grabbing a bit of toilet paper to wipe it off my fingers and chest. After tossing the paper in the waste basket, I raised my arm and gave my pit a sniff, only to be instantly repulsed. Man I'm rank...I smell of sweat and...well...sex... I...I had to get rid of it...

Heading over to the tub, I moved the shower curtains out of the way and turned one of the knobs, causing water to spew out from the showerhead with a hiss. I sat at the end of the tub, outstretching my hand into the running water as I fiddled with the temperature. Once I had it to my liking, I was about to step in, but stopped when I heard a knock at the door.

After staring at the door for a while with wide eyes, I finally worked up the courage to say, "Uh...ocupado..." A few seconds later, a familiar, yet sleepy sounding voice came from behind the door.

"It's me...uh...Morgana Freehoomin, open up."

Now there were two possibilities: either it really is 'Morgana Freehoomin' at the other side of that door, or it was Vinyl manipulating her voice again. Ninety-five percent sure it's the latter, I walked over to the door, unlocked it, then opened it enough for me to look out.

"Vinyl?" I said, seeing that it was indeed her at the other side. She was sitting on her haunches, wearing a goofy grin on her face as she swayed a bit, her hair was just as disheveled as my own and her eyes were blinking in an unsynchronized fashion. I soon caught a scent in the air and instantly realized that it was emanating from Vinyl; it was the same odor that I was just about to rid myself of. Vinyl raised a hoof, then gave it a slow wave as she spoke in a tone that hinted that she could use some more sleep.

"Heeey... Mornin' Maaaurice."

"What are you doing up?" I asked, peeking around the door as my eyes shifted from Vinyl to Tavi's room. "I thought you were asleep."

Giving a slow nod and rubbing an eye with a hoof, Vinyl tiredly replied. "I was...but--" she yawned, "but I heard the water running and--" She yawned again, this time stretching like a cat. Now seeming a bit more alert, she ended her stretching with a shake of her head. "Anyway," she said as she rolled her neck. "I'm up now and I'm gonna need your help."

"My help?" I questioned.

"Yeah," Vinyl answered with a nod, pointing past me towards the shower. "I see you already got the water running, and as much as I would love to walk around all icky and sticky, I'm gonna need your help washing up."

"W-Why do you need my help?" I asked, fearful that she wanted another go.

"Okay?" Vinyl said in a puzzled tone, giving me a curious look. "To uh...wash my back an' all..." She shrugged. "But whatev's, if for some strange reason you feel shy of sharing a shower with me--despite what we did last night--then I guess I could just wait for Octy to wake up so I can shower with her like always."

Crap...now I just remembered something... Because it's almost impossible for them to reach their backs, ponies often bathe in pairs; of course a unicorn could do it if they held a brush or sponge with their magic, but they'd have to shower with two mirrors in order to know if they cleaned themselves thoroughly enough. It's weird--well, weird to a human, but perfectly normal for a pony--but they even have these public bathhouses where strangers will help wash each others' backs. ...Huh...ok, why did Japan, bananas, and Irish music flash through my mind just now? A-Anyway, I really don't want to risk the chance of Tavi discovering what happened last night just by Vinyl's smell and appearance alone.

"Wait," I said, causing Vinyl to pause just as she was about to return to her room. I opened the door wider. "I...I can help you out..."

"Sweet," Vinyl said with a nod, making a step towards the bathroom, only to stop when I spoke up again.

"But it's just a shower, alright? Nothing else." I already felt terrible enough for jumping into bed with Vinyl without giving Tavi so much as a second thought, so I had no intention of digging myself any deeper into this pit I've dug.

Vinyl raised a curious brow at me before shrugging. "That's fine. It's not like I was gonna ask you to jump my bones in the tub if that's what you're thinking. Besides, last night really worked it out of my syste--"

"Vinyl!" I said in a loud whisper, a finger to my lips. "Shush!" I pointed at the door across from the bathroom. "Tavi's room is right there!"

With a confused expression, Vinyl turned to Tavi's room, then back to me. Her mouth then formed into a smile as she rolled her eyes. "Oooh...I get it now. Nah, Maurice, it's cool, watch." She walked over to Tavi's door, then reached a hoof towards it.

"Vinyl?!" I exclaimed, thinking she was going to knock. Thankfully, that wasn't what she was planning, as the air around the door soon rippled once Vinyl's hoof got close enough.

"See?" Vinyl said, gesturing with her head at the door. "Sound barrier's still up, so there's no need to whisper like this is some funeral home or something."

With wide eyes, I ran my hand through my hair as I watched the magical rippling around Tavi's room begin to subside. Once it settled, I took a calming breath, thankful that at least Vinyl's barrier prevented Tavi from hearing anything from last night.

Yawning, Vinyl walked into the bathroom, then stepped into the tub. With the water drizzling over her, drenching her fur and flattening her mane, she turned back to me.

"So you coming or what?"

Ten minutes later, I sat cross-legged on the floor of the tub, sitting behind Vinyl as I lathered a soapy loofah all over her back; a constant torrent of water hitting us both as Vinyl rinsed the shampoo out of her mane.

"Thanks again for last night," Vinyl said after a short yawn. "Really needed that." She turned and looked over her shoulder, her mouth forming into a small grin as she eyed the bite mark she left me. "Heh...sorry about that; heat of the moment n' shit."

"It's fine," I uttered, my voice barely audible over the running water.

Seeming to have noticed something, Vinyl's ears flattened and her expression changed to one of concern. "Uh, you alright there Maurice? Ya seem a little down."

I stopped scrubbing her back, then brought a hand to my forehead and took a deep sigh. "It's...it's about last night...what we did... I'm uh...I'm starting to realize that maybe...maybe I shouldn't have gone through with it..."

Vinyl raised a brow, looking at me confused. "Wait...I wasn't terrible, was I?"

"Heh, no," I said, lightheartedly scoffing before shaking my head with the faintest of smiles. "You were great, really great. It's just...I feel like an ass for betraying Tav--" Vinyl cut me off.

"Hold on...you're not still on that 'cheating' thing, are you?" I remained silent, and in response, Vinyl rolled her eyes before saying, "We've been over this already: you're not cheating. Octy, for some strange reason, doesn't want to hit the sack with you, and I just so happened to have been horny. Remember, it was 'no strings attached', and I'm not really into the whole relationship scene anyway. Besides," she shrugged, "think of it like this: at least this way you can have both a love life and a sex life."

When she explained it that way, it did make a little more sense...but still... "I...I don't know, Vinyl..."

Vinyl released an exasperated sigh, shaking her head a bit. "Listen, if you still feel guilty for whatever strange reason, than just make it up to Otcy; take her on another date or something, go see a movie with her, eat at another fancy shmancy restaurant--I don't know, whatever it is that couples do. But hey, whatever man, if you still feel bad, then I guess I'll just have to convince Octy to take a roll in the hay with you--which shouldn't be that hard once I tell how just how good you were in be--"

"Whoa, hold on there!" I exclaimed, cutting her off. "Why would you tell Tavi?!"

"Uh...why wouldn't I?" Vinyl asked in an honest-to-God confused tone, much to MY confusion.

"Are you serious? It's freaking obvious why you shouldn't!" I closed my eyes and took a breath. "No, I...I'll tell her." If Tavi were to find out what I did, I'd rather it be because I maned up and came clean; hopefully that might succeed in getting rid of some of this guilt.

"Ok...uh...sure, you tell her then," Vinyl said in a confused tone, then muttered under her breath, "Hoomans, I swear; great in the sack but strange in the head."

I ignored that comment and chose to finish cleaning Vinyl's back, then myself.

"I-I can do this myself you know," Vinyl said as I vigorously dried her mane with a towel, making sure that there was no evidence of last night's ordeal left anywhere on her. Thinking that that was enough, I removed the towel from her head, then had to suppress a giggle when I saw just how poofy her mane now was.

Vinyl, seeming to have noticed my stifled laughter, inspected herself in the mirror, then said in an unenthusiastic voice, "Oh, ha ha..."

"What?" I said with a smile, making sure my towel was securely fastened around my waist before tracing my fingers over her poofy mane. "I think this can be a new look for you."

"Hmm," Vinyl hummed, trying different expressions and poses in front of the mirror before shaking her head. "Ugh, nah, gonna have to fix this."

Vinyl walked over to the door, opened it, then exited the bathroom. Following her out, I was about to head over to my room, but then heard a voice that made me freeze in my tracks.

"Oh, good morning you two." It was Octavia, and she was in the kitchen, cooking something over the stove.

"Yo, mornin' Octy," Vinyl greeted with a raise of her hoof.

Tavi nodded, then tilted her head to the side as she examined Vinyl's poofy mane. "Are...you trying a new mane style, Vinyl?" She broke into a smile. "If you are, I like it; I dare say that it's much more refined than that ruffian look you usually sport."

"Great," Vinyl said, face-hoofing. "Otcy likes it...even more reason to fix it!" She removed her hoof from her face and looked back to Tavi, saying, "And hey! I happen to like my," she imitated Tavi's accent, "'ruffian look'."

In response, Tavi merely shook her head with a light chuckle, turning her attention back to the stove. However, she soon returned her gaze to the both of us. "Ah, quick question, but I noticed that there was a barrier of some sort erected around my room, may I ask why?"

"Well," Vinyl said while trying in vain to fix her mane with a hoof, "I felt like having a margarita last night when you went to bed, and Maurice here brought up the fact that you might have come out here to murder me because of the blender." She shrugged, "So I sound-proofed your room by putting it up."

"Hmm, well that explains the mess you left in the kitchen." Tavi then turned to me and smiled. "And thank you, Maurice, for taking me into consideration."

I cringed internally.

Covering the bite mark on my shoulder with a hand, I turned to her and put up a smile in an attempt to hide my nervousness. "Uh, y-yeah...and uh, g-good morning to you too, Tavi."

"And a very good morning to you as well," Tavi replied with a smile and a short bow of her head, her eyes then moving over to my hand covering my shoulder. "Is something that matter with your arm?"

"Hmm?" I sounded, looking to my shoulder, then back to her. "Oh, it's nothing." I said with a shake of my head, then began to rotate my shoulder. "Just woke up with a cramp is all; must have slept on it wrong."

"Oh...well I'm sorry to hear that, and I hope it gets better soon." Tavi then eyed Vinyl and I for a bit. "Say...were you two showering in there together?"

"Yeah," Vinyl quickly answered. I immediately turned to her, and Vinyl, seeming to have noticed my erratic movement, returned her gaze to me. Possibly noticing the pleading in my eyes, eyes that were begging her not to mention anything about what happened between us, Vinyl turned back to Tavi and finished with, "Woke up early and saw that he was about to take one, so I joined him."

Well...that wasn't exactly a lie.

"Ah, I see," Tavi said, giving a confirmatory nod. "Well that's too bad, I guess I'm going to be showering alone tonight then."

Vinyl shook her head a bit. "I don't mind showering again, so I'll help you out later, alright?"

Tavi smiled. "Oh, well that's nice of you, Vinyl. Thank you."

"Eh, think nothing of it; what friends are for and all that jazz. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a mane to fix." Vinyl then stepped into her room and closed the door behind her.

After I entered my own room, I stepped out minutes later, dressed in my tour guide uniform; it was still a few hours until I actually had to go to work, but I didn't want to wear something else when I knew I was just going to change back into these anyway.

Walking into the living room, I looked towards the kitchen and witnessed Tavi as she slid a pancake out of a frying pan and onto a plate sitting on the kitchen table where two other pancakes were.

"Breakfast is done," Tavi said, beaming a smile at me while gesturing with her hoof for me to take a seat.

"Thanks," I said with a light smile before approaching and pulling out a chair. Once I sat down, Vinyl, with her hair now styled in the way it usually is, walked out of her room and took a seat as well.

"Whoa," Vinyl uttered, pulling her head back as she eyed the streaming pancake before her. "It's your special pancakes," she turned to Tavi, "who died?"

Tavi smiled and rolled her eyes. "No one did; and if it's the occasion for the pancakes that your asking, then, well..." she walked around the table and stood beside me. "I'm not sure if Maurice has told you already, but last night after we returned from our date," she brought her head to my shoulder started to nuzzle my cheek, "we've decided to start seeing each other more.

Already eating before us, Vinyl poured more syrup onto the pancake, speaking as she chewed. "Oh yeah... Maur...Maurice already told me that you two are a couple now." She swallowed her mouthful. "Kinda explains why you look like you're in such a good mood; congrats you two."

"Y-Yeah, thanks," I hesitantly replied, returning Tavi's nuzzle and wondering how Vinyl could be so calm about this.

"Well," Tavi said as she broke away from me, moving over to one of the unoccupied seats. "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so eat up, Maurice."

Nodding, I picked up a fork and butter-knife, then cut a piece from the pancake before plopping it in my mouth. Chewing, I realized that she remembered that time I mentioned that buttermilk was my favorite, and she cooked it to the point where the outside texture had a nice crisp to it, yet there was a bit of batter in the center. It was delicious, and...and... I don't deserve her...

I must have had a momentary breakdown caused by my guilt, because I then put the utensils down and buried my face in my hands.

"Maurice, are you alright?" Tavi soon asked, her voice full of concern.

I didn't answer her, and instead took slow, yet deep breaths in an attempt to calm myself.

Tell her, tell her right now, said the same voice from earlier this morning. Come clean.

I want to tell her, and because of the circumstances of the situation I found myself in, I still don't know if what I did was or wasn't cheating, but the thought of even risking to hurt this sweet and kind mare who just made me breakfast prevented me from doing so.

There was no way I could blame Vinyl for this, 'cause the way I see it, she's entirely faultless, and the blame is mine and mine alone. I should have remembered that thing about unicorn horns, I should have ignored Vinyl when she gave her reasoning as to why it isn't cheating, and last of all, I should have said no...

But I didn't...because I'm Maurice, lord and rightful ruler of the idiots.

"Nothing," I finally said after a quick exhale, my hands sliding down from my eyes to cover my mouth. "Just uh," I faked a yawn, "just really tired."

Coward.

"Oh," Tavi said. "Sounds like you should have gone to bed earlier."

"Yeah," I said with a nod, removing my hands from my face and picking up my eating utensils again. "Should've."

Half an hour later, after finishing breakfast, I sat on the living room's couch, much calmer than before as I stared at the dead space ahead of me, mulling over what I should so. I told myself that I'd come clean to Tavi, but seeing that I possessed neither the heart or the courage to hurt her, I figured that the least I could do was to make it up to her in any way I can.

"Alright you two," Tavi said as she stepped out of her room, walking over to the front door with Marchello in its case and strapped to her back. "I'm heading over to Lyra's and Bon Bon's for orchestral practice now."

"See ya," Vinyl called from the kitchen as she washed the dishes over the sink.

Spotting an opportunity, I got up from the couch and caught up to Tavi just as she exited the house. "Wait, Tavi, I'll walk you there," I said to her with a smile, standing under the doorway.

A few feet away from the door, Tavi turned back and returned the smile with a shake of her head. "That's sweet of you, Maurice, but it's fine. You know how far those two live, and I'd hate for you to be late to work because of me."

"Oh, uh," I uttered, my enthusiasm refusing to deflate. "Then...then how 'bout I walk you home from the Hoof Tapper tonight? I'll even carry Marchello for you."

Tavi looked at the case on her back, then back to me. "Y-You don't have to do all that..."

"No, I don't have to...I want to," I spoke with dedication etched into my eyes and expression.

Tavi's eyes widened a smidge before she averted her gaze from me. "If...if that's what you want," she spoke as she tried to hide a blush with a hoof.

I nodded, my mouth cracking into a genuine smile. "Great!" I then walked up to her and lowered myself a bit before planting a kiss on her forehead. "See you then."

Unable to hide her blush this time, Tavi flashed a flustered smile as she turned to leave, but before she left, she said, "I'll be looking forward to that walk home with you then, Maurice." Smiling, I waved to her as she departed.

Now that she was gone, and seeing that I still had some time until I actually had to leave for work, I stepped out of the house and checked on the little garden besides the door. There, I saw one thing that was growing from the soil: a watermelon. Two weeks after I moved in, I had a chat with Applejack by her stall and learned that she got some, as she called them, 'blasphemous' seeds by mistake instead of apple ones. Rather than have her throw them out, I offered to take them of her han--hooves. Soon, after I got the seeds, I decided to run a personal little experiment; I planted a seed here, and had Vinyl and Tavi plant one as well. What did it prove? Well...I'm looking at a watermelon that's growing out of season, which was planted by the only earthpony living here, so you tell me.

Heading back in and returning to the couch, I sat down and I looked into the kitchen where I saw that Vinyl was still doing the dishes, only now she was wearing her headphones, bumping her head to music that I could still hear despite the distance. Crossing off the notion of at least conversing with her, I decided to take a short nap since I really was tired after getting up so early.

Moving myself to lie flat on the couch, I stared at the ceiling with my fingers intertwined over my stomach. However, despite my weariness, sleep eluded me, as I kept thinking about my situation. Turning to lie on my side, I closed my eyes for a moment or two, and when I soon reopened them, I spotted something that caused me to blink more than once.

There, at the other side of the room, something was crawling along the floor...something white. Sitting upright, I focused my eyes on it and soon realized it was a spider. Now this spider wasn't your garden variety daddy long-legs or whatever, it was covered in white fur with some some sort of red ring pattern atop its abdomen, and it was large enough to be considered a tarantula!

Holy fuck! I thought as I stared at it. That thing is just...just scary! Seeming to have noticed that I was watching it, the spider halted in place, then turned to return the gaze I was giving it. For a few awkward moments, the spider and I just stared at each other, me with my regular human eyes, and it with its black and beady little ones, the only sound being heard was the faint music from Vinyl's headphones, running water, and dishes clanking.

After an imaginary tumbleweed rolled by, the Mexican standoff ended when the spider disappeared under my shoe that I threw at it; now this might be the lack of sleep talking, but before my shoe got it, it kinda looked like the spider was shaking its 'head' and was doing the 'wait a second' gesture with its front legs.

Petty sure that I got it, I scanned around the room, hoping not to find any more. Finished with checking the space behind the couch, I got up from it, then walked over to retrieve my shoe, mentally preparing myself for the gory little splat I would soon fin--

It wasn't there... There was nothing under my shoe when I picked it up...

Eyes widening, I searched around the living room again, being more thorough this time yet still failing to find it.

Shit, I thought as I scratched my head, rising off the floor after peeking under the couch. I just tried to kill that spider and failed...and that thing knows were I live... Welp...guess I have to burn the house down, seeing as that's the only way to be sure I got it...

Sometime later, after not burning down the house, I showed up for work. Currently, I was standing in the tour company's break-room, waiting for a handful of other tour guides to stop crowding around today's roster written on the whiteboard so that I could have a look myself. Sitting on the couch besides me was one of the two other guides I was familiar with.

"So how'd your date go?" Pierre asked, straightening his tie.

Leaning my back against the wall, I looked to the ceiling and took a breath before answering. "It was...it was great. I uh...I got myself a girl--eh, marefriend now." I chose to leave it at that.

Pierre's head and ears perked up before he turned to me, disbelief in his eyes. "What!? You?! O-Oh come on!"

"What are you on about now, Pierre?" Sora asked as she approached us, having just returned from shoving her way through the other guides to get a look at her schedule for the day.

Turning to her, Pierre pointed a hoof at me, exclaiming in a dismayed tone, "Maurice has a marefriend now!"

Upon hearing that, Sora tilted her head and smiled at me. "Sounds to me like your date was a success, congratulations."

"Uh, thanks," I said, averting my eyes and rubbing the back of my head as I gave her a quick nod.

Looking to Pierre, Sora then asked, "And you're upset because...?"

Gesturing at me, Pierre said in a near shout, "Because Maurice of all stallions managed to snag himself a marefriend, yet I'm still single!" Crossing his forelegs over his chest, he turned his head away from Sora and I with a humph. "S'not fair I tell you..."

"Have you ever considered that maybe you're single because you whine about stuff like this?" Sora added with a roll of her eyes.

Unfolding his forelegs, Pierre turned back to her, then grinned. "So are you saying that if I stop whining you'll finally go out with me?"

Pulling her head back and raising a hoof, Sora looked like she was going to say something, but instead remained silent for a few seconds before shaking her head and walking out of the break-room. Exiting, Sora said under her breath, "Aaand another reason why your hoof is your special somepony."

"Heh heh...yeah, that's a good one," Pierre said with an awkward chuckle, lazily waving a hoof at her as she left. Once she was gone, Pierre's expression immediately became frantic before whirling to me. "Ma-aurice!" he cried in a begging tone, standing on the couch on his hind-legs as he pawed at my chest.

"W-What?!" I asked, trying to get him off of me.

"I really like Sora, you know I do, but I can't help but say and do stupid shit when I'm around her! Help!"

"Wait, are you asking me for relationship advice?" I questioned, still trying to force him off.

"Yes!" Pierre shouted. "I-If you can get yourself a marefriend despite being of a different species, then you must be doing something right! H-How do you do it, man?! Is...is it some sort of sexy human magic? I got to know!"

"Pierre...we're starting to get weird looks," I whispered through gritted teeth, holding his forehooves inches away from my chest as I smiled awkwardly to the other guides in the room; they were watching us with raised brows and heads tilted in bewilderment.

"Let them see!" shouted Pierre. "This is a matter of love, dammit! I need you!"

Eyes widening, I turned to Pierre, then back to the other guides, shaking my head with a tense smile as I said to them, "No, guys... This...this isn't what it looks like--it's not me he loves!" Managing to grab Pierre's shoulders, I turned back to him, then gave him a quick shake. "Pierre, I really don't know what to tell you, alright?!" I looked away from him. "Besides...you're asking the wrong guy for relationship advice, 'cause when it comes to fucking them up, I wrote the best selling book about it that earned itself a freaking Oprah Winfrey Book Club sticker!"

Recovering from that brain rattlin' I gave him, Pierre shook his head, then gave me a confused look. "What you do mean by that? What'd ya do?" His face grimaced in confusion before asking, "And what's an Oprah Winfrey?"

Realizing that I spoke too much, I looked around the room for an escape. Seconds later, I smiled when I saw that the little commotion Pierre and I were causing had drawn most of the guides' attention from away the roster.

"Oh, look at that," I said to Pierre, gesturing to the roster with my head. "Guess I can check my schedule now. Toodles." I unhanded Pierre, causing his front-half to fall off the couch as I walked past the other guides.

Standing before the whiteboard, I skimmed through every guides' name, searching for my own. Finding it, I learned that I had a dozen or so tourists to guide around town for the morning tour, while only two had signed up for the afternoon one.

"Welp, see ya, Pierre," I said, waving to him as I left the break-room.

With his mopey face on the floor, Pierre raised a hoof, his voice muffled as he said, "Yeah...see ya..."

Sometime in the afternoon, after having just finished a lunch break with Sora and Pierre, I walked towards town hall were I was to meet up with the two tourists I had for the afternoon tour. Approaching the building, I soon walked past its doors and entered a large assembly room; naturally this place was where the townsponies held their meetings and such, but when it wasn't being used for that, it would serve as a waiting-room for the tourist to meet with their tour guides.

Scanning through all the other guides and tourist in here, I looked over to the seats labeled for the Spanish speaking tourists were I then found two ponies sitting there.

Straightening my tie, I approached the two. "((Hello,))" I greeted with a smile, standing in the aisle besides them.

Now that I was up close to them, I saw that one of them was an earthpony stallion with light green fur and a short chestnut mane. He was wearing some sort of vest that had black and white vertical stripes on it and his cutie mark was that of bubbles, just like Ditzy's, only his were a transparent tan and some of the bubbles looked as if they had popped. The other was a lightly freckled-faced pegasus mare who was dark purple with a long black mane that had a hot pink streak running through it and her tail; her mane was tied behind her head in a bun, and she was wearing a newsboy cap atop her head. Her cutie mark looked like three wheat stalks that were combined with arrows, the thistles resembling arrow feathers and the opposite end seeming to have arrow heads.

Strangely, they didn't acknowledged my presence yet, as they were still facing forward, seeming to be bored. Deciding to try again, I loudly cleared my throat before speaking again. "((Uh, hello...I'm your tour guide for the day.))"

My efforts seemed to have worked, as the pegasus' ears perked before she turned to me. Seeing that I was there, she nudged the stallion beside her, then gestured at me after getting his attention. Satisfied that both sets of eyes were now on me, I reintroduced myself.

"((Hi, I'm your tour guide for the day, Maurice,))" I said with a small nod and a smile. "((And I'd like to thank you two for choosing Sight-see's Sightseers Tours--name pending. Are you two ready to tour Ponyville?))"

The mare and stallion turned to each other and shrugged, then, moments later, the stallion spoke.

"Eh...sí?"

Nodding, I then gestured for them to raise from their seats. "((Great, follow me please.))" The two got on their hooves, then began to follow me out of the building.

Once we were outside, I started the tour by walking them towards one of the local landmarks, stating facts about some of the buildings as we passed them. A few minutes into the tour, I began to notice something strange. Whenever I would say something, the two tourist would simply nod and give an odd-sounding 'Sí'.

Deciding to test a theory, I stopped, then turned to the two as I asked, "((Do you two like moldy old cheese?))"

"Sí" the stallion answered, the mare looking around.

Raising a brow, I then asked, "((Wanna go burn down an orphanage?))" After receiving another 'Sí', I crossed my arms over my chest, then said in English, "You two don't speak Spaneighish...do you?"

The stallion gave an awkward smile as the mare simply grinned. "Heh, no," answered the stallion, playful rolling his eyes with a shrug.

"Well that's just great," I sarcastically and unenthusiastically muttered under my breath, closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose. "Looks like someone in the office messed up..." I then looked back to the two. "You know...you could have said something earlier..."

"Sorry," said the mare with a coy smile, tilting her head to the side.

"It's fine, I guess," I said, shaking my head a bit. "Anyway, uh, we can still continue the tour. Follow me please." I turned and began to lead them down the street.

Moments later, once we got to a less busy part of town, I heard the mare behind me speak. "'Ight, nopony's around. Still got the burlap?"

The stallion replied. "Yeah, right here."

"Perfec', now lets do this quick-like."

Confused as to why I was now hearing their hoofsteps speed up, I was about to turn around, but was then surprised when something was placed over my head, obscuring my vision and darkening everything before something hard hit me over th--

"Tell me can you hear my heartbeat roar inside my chest~"

Huh...now this is strange; I'm sitting in an empty concert hall were some rock band is preforming on strange. Oh, and what's weird is that the band is composed of multiple Lunas and the one singing into the mic sounds like a dude...

Minutes later, after sitting through the entire performance that was actually pretty kick ass, I pulled a lighter seemingly out of nowhere, lit the flame, then held it up high and waved it as I cheered. Looking in my direction, the lead singer Luna's eyes widened, having just now noticed that I was here.

"Maurice?" she asked.

"Yo," I answered, lowering the lighter.

Giving me a quizzical look, the other Lunas vanished into a mist. "What are you doing in the Dreamscape?" the renaming Luna questioned in her regular sounding voice. "Your dream space should have been vacant at this time."

I shrugged. "I don't kn--"

"I DON'T KNOW!" I yelled as I awoke, freezing and dripping wet, opening my eyes to blurry yet blinding light.

My eyes slowly adjusting, I noticed that I was in a pitch black room, directly below a cone of light coming from a hanging light above. Looking ahead, I spotted two figures, and once my eyes finally focused, I discovered them to be the same mare and stallion I was leading in the tour; the pegasus mare, who was hovering a foot or two off the ground, was holding a bucket in her hooves.

"Aw, look a' 'im," the mare said, speaking in some sort of cockney-sounding accent as she lowered herself to the floor. Setting the bucket aside, she then smiled as she walked around me. "So this is the 'uman that's been giving our boss so much grief?" She stopped before me, then scanned me top to bottom. "Hmm, bi' of a minger, bu' in that kinda cu'e sor' of way."

Shivering, I tried to speak through clattering teeth. "W-W-What's g-going o--on? Who--who are you two?" Now realizing that I was sitting in a chair, I attempted to get up, but found that my limbs were tied to the armrest and legs. "Am I...am I tied to this thing?"

Pulling her head back, the mare raised a brow and smiled. "Now now, you're in no position to be askin' anypony questions."

Before I had the chance to question what she meant by that, the stallion approached and placed a hoof on the mare's shoulder. "Easy there, lets not scare the guy," he said to her, lacking an accent before turning to face me. "Would you like a doughnut, maybe some coffee?"

"The fuck you doin'?" the mare asked in an agitated and questioning tone, her eyes looking from the stallion to his hoof on her shoulder before swatting it off. "Why are you offerin' 'im coffee and a fuckin' doughnut?!"

Looking down at his forehoof as he rubbed it, the stallion replied. "I'm trying to do the good cop, bad cop thing."

"'Good cop, bad cop'?" the mare repeated, looking at the stallion in confusion. "Now why the fuck would we do that?! We're the farthest thing from bloody cops, ya fuckin' twat!"

'Far from cops'? Wait...are these two criminals? Huh...that's kind of hard for me to believe, I mean, I've grown up in some pretty shady neighborhoods, so I know what real criminals are like; I'm picking up more of a Three Stooges vibe from these two...minus Curly.

Still rubbing his hoof, the stallion turned to the mare and spoke. "Geez, Amber, you don't have to be so mean."

The mare's expression changed to one of shock, her mouth agape as she turned to me, then the stallion before bopping him upside the head with her hoof. "Hops, you fuckin' idiot! You've gone and said me name in fron' of the 'uman!"

"Oh," Hops uttered, rubbing his head as he turned to me with an embarrassed smile. "Heh heh...whoops..."

Facehoofing, Amber shook her head. "Great...now we're gonna have to kill 'im..."

Upon hearing that, my eyes widened. Putting on a smile just as embarrassed as Hops', I then said, "Eh, really diggin' your spunk there, Mare-who's-name-escapes-me, but call me crazy 'cause I have an idea that I think might be just as good, maybe even better...how about we don't do that, hmm?"

Removing her hoof from her face and straightening her hat, Amber gave me a stern look as she shook her head, saying, "Nah, I like me idea bet--"

Just then, Amber was interrupted by a new stallion's voice. "You know, I prefer his idea."

Both Hops' and Amber's eyes widened before they frantically turned around. "Boss?!" they both called out in surprise, looking into the darkness were a doorway was being opened, allowing light to enter from a new room. Blinded by the new light, I squinted my eyes, trying to make out a figure standing in the now open doorway, yet all I could see was the silhouette of a unicorn stallion there.

"Wha...what are you doin' 'ere, Boss?" Amber hesitantly asked.

The figured stepped into the room and closed the door behind him, forcing us to once again rely on the single light above. Then, from outside the cone of light, he spoke with the voice of a much older stallion, maybe around his thirties or so, yet there was a youthful quality to it. "Amber Barley...Hops...ya mind telling me why you kidnapped the human Maurice?"

Wait? This guy knows me?!

The two looked down and fidgeted with their hooves until Amber finally spoke up.

"We...we was doin' this for you, Boss. Y-You kept complainin' 'bout this 'uman 'ere, so we--we thought we'd solve your problem for you by givin' 'im a li'le scare is all..."

There was silence for what felt like a minute or two, then I heard a deep sigh come from the darkness before the stallion spoke again. "Ah geez...well...I might as well deal with him now since he's here and all..."

Moments later, I spotted the stallion's horn glow blue, illuminating a folding chair sitting in the corner of the room with his magic before dragging it closer to the light. With the rear half of the chair now under the light, the stallion sat on it backwards, his dark blue legs and muzzle being the only thing of him I could see. Curious, I then watched as he used his magic to pull a cigarette and a lighter from somewhere, put the cigarette in his mouth, then began to light it with the lighter. Now lit, he took a breath from the cigarette, causing the burning end to glow brighter, the small ember momentarily reflecting off his eyes before--

"Ack!"

He started hacking and coughing...

"Boss!" Amber and Hops called out in worry, the both of them reaching out to pat him on the back.

After gesturing that he was fine and the two separated from him, the stallion pulled the cigarette out of his mouth and made disgusted motions with his mouth and tongue, then used his magic to offer the cigarette to me. "Eh," he cleared his throat, "smoke?"

With my brows furrowed in confusion, I looked to the cigarette, then to his muzzle before shaking my head. "Uh...n-no thanks; I don't smoke."

With the cigarette still hovering in-between us, he smiled. "Good for you," he praised in a singsong tone. "This really is a disgusting habit," he said after bringing the cigarette closer to himself and inspecting it. "Only tried it now 'cause I thought it'd make me look more intimidating; did it work?"

Confused, I answered. "Um...kinda? Well...until you started coughing and stuff."

"Hmm, well...never trying that again," he said as he released the cigarette from his magic, causing it to land on the floor before him, the ember still lit and wafts of smoke rising from it. "So," he announced, clopping his forehooves together, "sorry about my boys here."

"Oi!" exclaimed Amber

"And girls," the stallion corrected. "They're a bit rash...but loyal."

Looking to the ponies in question, I saw that Hops was giving me a shrug and a bashful smile, while Amber was gazing at me with slight animosity in her expression. Turning back to their 'boss', I cocked my head to the side and said, "Um...apology accepted?" Soon realizing that I'm tied to a freaking chair, I then shook my head to get back on track. "Anyway, what the hell is going on? And who are you guys?"

The stallion smiled. "What, do you not read the papers, kid?"

"Actually uh, no," I said, shaking my head. "Kinda hard to read them after your roommate burns them to cinders...even the funny comics..."

After lightheartedly scoffing, the stallion then answered with, "Heh, well allow me to introduce myself then." Still smiling, he pointed at himself with a hoof. "I'm Speakeasy, the 'alleged'," he was saying that while using his hooves to make air quotes, "head of Equestria's smuggling and bootlegging operations."

Hearing his name and occupation, my eyes widened as I remembered Octavia mentioning him yesterday. "Ah shit...pony mafia," I mumbled under my breath.

"What was that?" Speakeasy asked.

"N-Nothing!" I quickly answered. "A-Anyway, what is it you want with me?"

Speakeasy pulled his head back a bit and smiled. "What I want from you? Kid, sorry if I made you feel like a special little princess or something like that, but this ain't about you." He then moved his head forward into the light, revealing his light blue eyes, short black mane, and white diamond-shaped spot atop his muzzle just bellow his eyes. "It's about that mare you started dating... Octavia..."

My hands gripped the armrest tight enough to turn my knuckles white. "How do you know I'm dating Tavi?!" I asked with worry in my voice. There was no way word could spread so fast since we didn't make it official until last night.

"Tavi?" Speakeasy repeated in a confused tone before rolling his eyes. "Ah geez, you've already got a pet name for her." He gave an annoyed huff. "See, that right there is what got you here, you dating her."

"Why?" I questioned, raising a brow. "Why does it matter if I'm dating her?"

For this first time in this entire conversation, Speakeasy frowned. "It matters because I've got plans for Octavia, plans that don't called to be muddled up by some human." Resting his chin on the back of the chair, he glared at me. "Listen very closely, 'cause this is what I want to happen, and I always get what I want: You're gonna break up with her, and you're gonna do it without ever mentioning that we've met, comprende?"

"What, why?" I asked, finding that to be an odd request. "Why do you care if she's dating me? And what is she to you?" Closing my eyes, I then brought up what I feared. "She...she isn't a member of your smuggling operation...is she?"

Silence, Speakeasy didn't answer, and when I soon opened my eyes, I saw why. He had his hoof over his mouth, so did Amber and Hops, all of them stifling their laughter before failing to contain them, shaking their heads and holding their guts as they laughed. After I sat there and waited for them to finish laughing, Speakeasy eventually wiped a tear from his face before speaking.

"Oh, man that's funny!" he exclaimed, shaking his head with a smile. "But no, no Octavia never worked for me." He cast a knowing grin towards me. "And as for why and what is she to me, well...lets just say that they're personal matters."

Seeing that that was as much as he was willing to share, I then asked, "And if I don't do what you asked?"

Immedieatly, Speakeasy gave his response, his expression turning neutral. "Oh, you will...otherwise..." He looked down to the still smoking cigarette, then stretched his rear hoof over it before stomping it, putting it out with a light hiss as he ground it under his hoof. Looking back to me, he smirked. "Well...that... See what I did there? It's a metaphor!"

With eyes shocked over what he was implying, I stared at Speakeasy. "T-There's no way you can get away with that! Ponies would notice if I'm gone! I can tell somepony--I know the prince--"

"Oh I already know that you're real chummy with the crowns," Speakeasy cut in, narrowing his eyes at me smugly. "But here's the thing, kid: Despite Canterlot P.D. somehow getting evidence that supposedly links me to being the 'head' of Equestria's smuggling operations, I beat the system, and I can do it again...easy. Besides," he said as he gave a dismissive shrug, "I'm one of Canterlot's most wealthiest and influential philanthropists, so even if you did tell somepony about our little conversation here...who'd believe you? The princesses? Pfft, maybe." He leaned in and beamed a cracking smile at me, then said in a near whisper, "But how would it reflect on them if they arrested me, going on nothing but the word of a creature who doesn't even belong to this world, and fail to convict me again, hmm?" A few seconds later, he perked his head up, almost as if he just remembered something. "Oh, and as for that 'Wouldn't ponies notice you gone' thing, well," running his hoof over his mane, he finished with, "who's to say that wandering off to never be seen again isn't a normal thing for humans to do?"

I was stunned, and after struggling to open my mouth to say something, I found no words.

Speakeasy, seeming to take satisfaction from my silence, then spoke. "Alright, I think you get the message." He looked to Hops and Amber, then gestured at me with his head, saying, "Take him back...he's got a mare to break up with."

"Right, boss!" Hops called out, both him and Amber nodding to him before approaching me. Once they got behind me, I felt them start to slip something over my head.

"Wait!" I called out when I remembered something, trying in vain to wiggle my head free from what I'm assuming to be a bag of some kind slowly engulfing my head.

"There's no waiting, kid," I heard Speakeasy say.

"I--I have a message from somepony!" I yelled.

"Heh, wow, didn't know you gave tours and delivered mail," Speakeasy joked. "Amber, Hops, you two mind hurrying it along?"

"We're tryin', boss!" Amber called out from my side. "He's a squirmer this one is!"

Managing to uncover my mouth from under the bag, I shouted, "It's a message from Highground!"

"Stop," Speakeasy said just as soon as I mentioned the name, causing Hops and Amber to halt. With my eyes still covered from the bag, I nearly jumped when Speakeasy spoke again moments later, sounding much closer this time. "You got a message for me...from Highground?" I nodded. "Highground, the sexy batpony mare?"

"Uh...batpony and a mare, yeah," I answered with a slow nod. "But as for sexy," I shrugged, "I really didn't get much of a good look at her since she had me pinned face-first to a wall an' all..."

Speakeasy chuckled. "Yeah, sounds like her... So go on, what's this message she has for me?" he asked with eagerness in his voice.

Since I was given this message almost a week ago under duress, it was difficult for me to remember her exact wording, so I just gave him the jist of it. "Um...something about being there the second you mess up again..."

"Aw...she still cares." I could just hear him smiling... "Right! Well thanks for the message, here's a tip for my little mailmare." I then felt something slip into my coat's breast pocket, followed by a playful pat to my cheek through the bag. "It's too bad you have to go now, right Amber?"

"Right."

Sensing what was coming, I shut my eyes tight and prepared myself for--

"Luna, why are you dressed like Batman?"

"I am the night!"

Huh...apparently she's the night...

Sometime later, I awoke with a killer headache. Rubbing the back of my head and forcing myself upright, I found that I had been napping on a park bench under the night sky. After scanning every direction of the deserted park I seemed to be in, I soon had a recollection of being tied to a chair and meeting the pony equivalent of a mob boss.

Was all that a dream? I hoped, raising from the bench. Now standing, I began to pat away the dust on my coat, only for my eyes to widened when I felt something in my coat's pocket. Cautiously reaching two fingers into the pocket, I overcome with dread when I soon pulled out a single bit from it. Shit, it was real...

After taking a minute or two to stare at the coin in my hand, I was interrupted by the loud sound of a bell being struck. Startled, I turned to the source of the noise and discovered the cause to be Ponyville's clock tower announcing the hour. Despite it being dark and a few blocks away, the tower was illuminated by moonlight and was close enough for me to study the hands on the clock in order to determine the time. Realizing that it was nearly time for me to pick Tavi up from the Hoof Tapper, I slipped the bit back into my breast pocket, then began my trek there.

"Well thank you, Maurice," Tavi said, the both of us standing in front of the house as I unstrapped Marchello from my back and handed it to her.

"You're welcome," I answered in a low voice, smiling faintly to her.

After balancing the cello on her back, Tavi looked up to me with slightly worried eyes. "Is something the matter, Maurice?" she asked. "You've been awfully quite tonight..."

She was right, I barely said a thing to her once I picked her up from the Hoof Tapper, as I kept thinking about Speakeasy and what he said.

You're gonna break up with her, and you're gonna do it without ever mentioning that we've met, comprende?

"Tavi," I said quietly, my eyes focused down to the ground.

"Hmm, yes?" Tavi asked, her voice curious.

I don't know why a mob boss wants me to break up with Tavi, or why he doesn't want me to mention him to her, but after giving it some thought...I'm starting to think that maybe I should. I mean, I slept with Vinyl, her best friend, and I did it without putting Tavi's feelings into consideration, and because I didn't, I've been left with this incredible, crushing guilt ever since. I know I don't have the heart to tell Tavi what I did, so the least I can do to make this as painless as possible for her is to just end it here and now, say that we're just incompatible or something. Besides, it's not like Speakeasy was giving me much of a choice...

"Tavi," I repeated, slowly raising my gaze to face her. "I think we should..." My words failed me when my view rested on Tavi, as I was admiring the way she was tilting her head cutely to the side while she waited for me to continue, beaming a smile and peered at me with gracious violet eyes, eyes that saw something in me when nopony else did.

I...I do have a choice.

Returning the smile she was giving me, I finished with, "I think we should go see a movie sometime," I cocked my head, "you know, make a date out of it."

"Well that sounds lovely," Tavi said with a smile and a quick nod. "I've heard that the local cinema is going to be playing the new Daring Do film; we can go see that."

"Ah, pony Indiana Jones," I mumbled as I rubbed my chin.

"What was that?" Tavi asked.

I shook my head with a smile. "Nothing! Eh...Daring Do sounds fine."

"Excellent," Tavi said, turning to the house's door and opening it. Once she took a few steps in, she turned back to me and seemed to have noticed that I haven't moved. "Are you heading in, Maurice?"

I nodded. "Yeah, in a bit. Just got to do something real quick."

After looking at me with a confused look and scanning the buildings' rooftops, Tavi nodded at me before entering the house and closing the door behind her. Once she was gone, I took a nice cool breath of the night air, then fished the bit from my breast pocket. Taking a minute or two to stare resentfully at the shiny coin sitting in the palm of my hand, I closed my fingers around it and clutched it firmly.

I fucked up right at the start of this relationship, I know I have, and if I can't admit it to Tavi, then I can at least admit it to myself and try to make it up to her, be the best damn boyfriend she's ever had if I have to; I know my reasonings seem weak, but she deserves as much. As for Speakeasy however...well, I'll do one of the things he asked and not mention him to Tavi; if I did, I feel that it'll be just be another Highground incident were Tavi will just beg me to drop it. Speakeasy did say that she was never involved in his smuggling operation, so I should be thankful for that at least, plus, he did have an unfortunate point about no one believing me and the princesses not being able to do much on my word alone, so if it is another Highground incident, then I'll just wait for this whole thing to blow over in a week or so.

Sorry to disappoint you, Speakeasy, but I'm not breaking up with Tavi.

Pulling my arm back, I tossed the bit into the alley across the street, only to be surprised when I then heard a familiar voice come from said alley.

"Ow! ...Oh hey, a bit!"

Face-palming, I then said out loud, "Go home, Lyra!"

Not giving her a chance to respond, I turned around and entered the house.

I know I'm probably making a mistake here by pissing off a crime boss, but this is Equestria, the most peaceful-est place I know! His threats were probably empty ones, I mean, what's the worst he can do?

I woke up the following morning, feeling hazy and dreary eyed in my own bed. Yawning, I stretched under the covers, warming up my muscles to--what the hell is that? I paused my stretching, as I felt something wet under my arm. Raising my head from the pillow and turning to my side, I saw that there was something under the cover with me...something round.

Curious, and with great hesitation, I began to pull the cover back, revealing...oh God!

It was the watermelon I was growing! It was eviscerated, its fruity gore staining my mattress and sleeping clothes! Clutching my head, I was about to scream about how delicious it would have been, but stopped when I noticed in the corner of my vision that the door--the door that I was sure I closed before going to bed--was moving. Turning to it, I spotted no one there...that was until I looked bellow the door...

My eyes widened and my mouth fell agape at who, or what, I saw there. It...it was the spider from yesterday! The spider that I failed to kill! It was somehow pulling off a resentful expression, using one of its legs to do the I-got-my-eyes-on-you gestrue as it slowly backed out of the room, closing the door behind it.

After staring in shock and surprise at the space where the spider was, I soon yelled, "Holy fuck! Speakeasy's got spiders on the payroll!?"

Author's Note

Here's my patreon. Come on guys, I'd really like to go to my first ever convention. Babscon.

Yes, I'd Like To Make A Noise Complaint: There's Not Enough Of It!

"Alright, heartbeat seems normal," Twilight said, removing the round end of the stethoscope from my bare chest. Casting me a friendly smile, she gestured with her wing, saying, "Now turn around please."

Giving a quick nod, I swiveled on the examination table to present my back to her. "Ya mind at least breathing on the thing befo--ah, cold!" I exclaimed, jolting in place as Twilight had, without warning, unceremoniously placed the ice-cold disk-shaped section of the stethoscope on my back, giving me goosebumps as a tingle run up my spine.

"Heh, sorry," Twilight apologized. "Give it a bit and your body should heat it up again."

Being patient, I endured the icy sting of the metallic texture on my back and was relieved when it soon warmed up to an ignoreable degree. I was kind of amazed at how fast the listening instrument lost my body heat, but wasn't really surprised since the air outside, and even inside Twilight's castle, had become nippy as it prepared for winter's arrival; even now I could see my breath each time I exhaled. It's strange, but here in Equestria, ponies actually control and schedule the weather, so seasons here are a bit shorter than they would be back on Earth, and from what I heard, the incoming winter should be a week long, a week and a half, tops.

Truth be told, I'm kind of excited since, back on Earth, I lived in an area where winter simply meant a drop in temperature, so I'd never actually seen or experienced snow for myself.

Sliding the stethoscope around on my back, Twilight kept it on a spot, then said, "Breath in." I took a breath and held it. "Now out." I exhaled, watching as a white mist escaped from my mouth. "In." I inhaled again. "And out again." I exhaled. Feeling the piece of metal leave my back, I heard Twilight contently say, "Lungs check out. You can put your shirt back on."

"Oh finally!" I exclaimed, nearly shivering as I reached for my shirt. Fitting my head through the bottom of it, I then said, "You know, you really ought to look into getting this place some heating."

Using her magic to retrieve a pen and a clipboard holding her notes from atop a nearby table, Twilight responded as she scribbled some things on the paper. "Well, the castle does have the occasional fireplace, but we ponies aren't really bothered that much by the cold, what with our fur and all. Besides," Twilight tapped the pen against the wall, giving off a solid 'clink' sound, "it's virtually impossible to install heating vents leading into every room through solid crystal."

"What, was the Tree of Friendship on a budget what it sprouted this place?" I joked, sliding my arms through the shirt's sleeves and swiveling back to face Twilight.

"Harmony," Twilight corrected, playfully rolling her eyes. "It's the Tree of Harmony."

I know what she said, but what I heard was, "The Tree of Harm Many?" Smirking, I crossed my arms over my chest and tilted my head to the side. "That doesn't sound very friendship-y to me..."

Twilight lightheartedly scoffed. "Hmm, Funny. You're fine by the way, healthwise I mean...well, as far as I can tell."

"Oh, well that's good to hear," I said, straightening my shirt.

"Mhmm," Twilight sounded, placing the pointed end of the pen on the clipboard. "Now comes the questionnaire part. Smoke?"

Shaking my head, I gave her the same answer I always give during this part of Twilight's examination. "Never."

With a confirmatory hum, Twilight scribbled something on the form. "Drink often?" she asked, not looking up from the clipboard. "Alcoholic beverages, I mean."

I shrugged. "Just the occasional cider...nothing heavy."

"Uh-huh," Twilight uttered, making another movement with her pen. "Exercise?"

Putting on a coy smile, I scanned around the room, scratching the top of my head. "Uh...my job has me walk around town a lot...that count?"

Twilight eyed the ceiling as she began to tap the pen against her chin, seeming to mull it over for a bit before shrugging. "Eh, I'll count it; it's not like my exercise regiment is any better." After writing something down, she looked back to me. "Alright, last one: any recent sexual activity? No? Well alright then." She wrote on the paper, then turned towards the table.

"Actually..." I said, causing Twilight to pause mid-step. "Ya might want to change that last one..."

"Change the last one?" Twilight repeated, facing me with a confused expression. "Why should I chang--" Now understanding what I meant, her eyes widened before she adopted a bashful smile. "Oh, right, of course; I forgot you have a marefriend now. So uh," she sat on her haunches, "how did that go?"

Looking at Twilight as she leaned forward in curiosity, waiting for me to answer, I started to realize that maybe it would have been better if I kept my mouth shut, as I really didn't want to explain the circumstances of 'that'.

"Eh, don't you think that's kind of a personal thing to ask?" I rubbed the back of my neck as I looked way from her. "Lot different than asking me to wank into a cup..."

"Fine," Twilight begrudgingly said as she rose, rapidly clicking the pen. "I'll just write down that you have." Correcting the form, she then raised her gaze from the clipboard and gave me an embarrassed expression. "Speaking of...well, uh, Maurice?"

"Yeah?" I responded, wondering what had her so flustered-looking. "What is it?"

Her eyes shifting to the side, Twilight rubbed the back of her head with a hoof. "Yeeeah...um, listen, this is kind of a funny story, but uh...some kind of animal might have gotten into the castle and made a mess of things in my lab..."

Confused as to why she was telling me this, I pulled my head back and tilted it to the side. "And you're telling me this because...?" I made a rolling gesture with my hand, signalling for her to continue.

Giving a sheepish smile, Twilight eyed the ceiling. "Well...I was able to salvage some things, but your um," she coughed into her hoof, "'sample' might have been lost..."

Getting an idea of what she was implying, I deadpanned as I sat up straight on the medical table. "What 'sample'?" I asked for confirmation, hoping that it wasn't what I think it was.

Twilight's response came in the form of a nervous chuckle as she floated an all too familiar plastic cup onto the table besides me.

Looking at the cup, then back to Twilight, I said, "Are you serious?" Blushing, Twilight averted her gaze downwards and pawed at the floor with a hoof. "I thought you found out everything you could from my jizz?"

"No, I said that I leaned through it that you have no magic in your being," Twilight answered, looking back to me. "I never said that I gave it a complete and thorough examination; I had to put those other tests on hold when some things came up, so there's still plenty to learn."

Returning my sights to the cup, then back to Twilight, I shook my head. "Well I'm not filling that thing now!"

"And I'm not asking you that!" Twilight stated as she shook her head, sitting on her haunches and raising her forelegs in a defensive manner. "You can do it at your own leisure, but I need a new sample, otherwise all of my time would have been for naught!" Lowering her forehooves to the ground, Twilight's ears flattened as she gave me a pleading smile. "But you'll do it, right? Science buddy ol' pal?"Ah geez...she's giving me a pouty face...

Resist, Maurice...y-you must--well...I guess I don't want Twilight's time to have been a total waste...and she could probably learn more about me healthwise this way, so...

"Fine!" I answered, throwing my arms up as I looked way. "I guess I can hand it to you within a day or two..."

"Really?" Twilight asked, her eyes beaming as she flashed a wide smile. She then hopped around the examination table, chanting, "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Waiting till Twilight stopped prancing around me, I reluctantly pocketed the cup, then asked, "We done now?"

Smiling, Twilight nodded. "Mhmm, yeah." Seconds later, her ears perked up. "Oh," she said as she used her magic to pull a brown messenger bag off a hook rack besides the door, then floated it over to me. "I got everything you asked for: pens, pencils, paper, a notebook, a dictionary, even a new bottle of protein tablets, all there."

"Oh wow, thanks," I said as I looked into the bag, confirming that everything listed was indeed there.

"No problem," Twilight said with a smile. "So what are they for, by the way?"

"Oh, uh." I got up and flung the bag's strap over my shoulder. "My free-time back on Earth was usually spent watching a show or playing a video game, but since I can't do that here I've been incredibly bored--and I can only read the same books in the house so many times--so I've decided to take up writing again, you know, something to pass the time."

Twilight tilted her head and smiled at me. "Really? Writing? Most ponies I know would rather paint on a canvas than do that."

I made an amused huff. "Yeah, well, I'd do the same if I could, but the only drawings I can make are stick figures." Pointing a thumb at my chest, I jokingly said, "But me only talent am writing."

Twilight gave me a curious look before saying, "You mean 'my only talent is writing'..."

My expression going neutral, I pointed at her, saying, "Grammar Nazi, that's what you are...a big ol' grammar Nazi..."

"A grammar what?" Twilight asked with a confused expression.

Chuckling, I walked over to the door and exited the examination room. A few seconds later, Twilight exited as well, then began to lead me towards the way out of her castle.

Walking the halls besides her, I debated whether or not to tell Twilight about my incident with Speakeasy, but ultimately decided against it since I knew that she would get concerned and try to involve herself, only to find out that there isn't much she or the other princesses can do, so I wasn't going to add more stress to their already busy lives by mentioning him. Besides, it's already been a week since I had watermelon for breakfast and I hadn't seen a sign of him or his lackeys since, further confirming my earlier theory that his threats were hollow and that the whole incident would blow over like Highground's.

As we continued to walk, an awkward silence grew between us and the only sound to be heard was our combined footsteps--or in Twilight's case: hoofsteps. After turning a few corners, I was soon relieved when Twilight eventually spoke.

"So...I've made a bit of progress with my research into finding you a way home..."

I stopped and turned to her, seeing that she halted as well.

"You have?" I asked quizzically. I knew she's been looking into a way to get me home, but even with this world's magic I saw that as an impossible feat. I already made peace with the fact that I might never be able to return, so I retained my enthusiasm.

Twilight nodded. "Mhmm, nothing solid right now, mostly theories and conjecture, but I thought you'd like to know that I am still looking into it."

Appreciating the sentiment, I got on a knee and ran my hand through her mane. "Well thanks, Twilight, that's nice of you," I said with a smile, giving the back of her ear a quick scratch--which she seemed to enjoy--before getting up.

Seeming to be in a momentary state of bliss, Twilight gave her head a quick shake before resuming her walk down the halls with me. "It's difficult to recreate from scratch the exact scenario with you and the lightning, but not impossible." She then looked down and said in a slightly infuriated tone, "Oh if only I had my data collecting tools with me there at the time, that way I'd at least have something to work with..."

I shrugged. "Well I wouldn't blame you if you can't do it, you know what they say: lightning in a bottle and all that. Besides, it's not like you can go back in time."

"Huh," Twilight said, stopping.

After taking a few steps forward, I turned back to her and gave her a puzzled look. "Twilight?"

As she tapped her chin with a hoof, I heard her mutter, "Actually, we do have lightning in bottles here..."

Hearing that, I pulled my head back. "You're shittin' me?"

Ignoring my comment, Twilight continued her muttering. "But as for that time travel comment...hmm..."

"You have that in bottles too?" I asked. "Please tell me you keep it in a blue police box..."

"Huh?" Twilight uttered, snapping out of her trance-like state to look up and see that I've been watching her. Blushing and rubbing the back of her head, she said, "Oh uh...I shouldn't have said that." Coughing into her hoof, she straightened her posture and stated, "I cannot confirm nor deny the existence of time travel spells."

Confused as to why she said that, I kept my eyes on her as I slowly shifted my head to the side. "Uh...I didn't mention anything about spells..."

Her eyes widened. "Oh...well...uh..." Putting up a wide and almost creepy smile, she rushed past me and gestured with her wing for me to follow. "Hurry up! I've got an extremely busy day today! Busy, busy, busy!"

Afraid that I might get left behind and lost because of the pace she was moving, I practically jogged to keep up with her. Eventually we made it to the castle's entrance.

"Well, it was nice seeing you again, Maurice," Twilight said as she opened the entrance doors.

"Right back atcha'," I answered as stepped out through the doorway and walked down the small set of stairs. Gripping the bag's strap, I turned back to her. "And thanks again for the writing supplies."

Twilight made a dismissive gesture with her wing. "Don't mention it. Are you heading over to the Coming of Winter Party tonight?"

Coming of Winter Party, it's an unofficial holiday celebrated in Ponyville where the idea is 'Hey, since we're gonna have to clean the town up for winter's arrival anyway, why don't we throw a huge party?' Said party is gonna be held tonight in the more business focused part of the town, that way those who just want to skip the party and sleep in their homes can do so without all the noise keeping them up.

"Yeah," I said with a nod, giving Twilight a thumbs up. "Tavi, Vinyl and I are all heading over tonig--"

"We're here, Twilight!"

"Whoa, is that Maurice?"

"'Course it is, what are ya, blind? Get 'im!"

Eyes widening, I recognized those three young female voices coming from behind me, as well as the sound of running hoofsteps rapidly approaching. In response, my muscles naturally tensed in an attempt to brace myself, but my assailants still managed to use their combined weight and force to knock me face-first onto the ground.

Grunting, I used my arms to push myself a few inches off the ground, then flipped myself onto my back in order to get a look at my attackers. There, I saw three young fillies smirking down at me, all lacking a cutie mark. The first was a yellow earthpony with a pink bow tied around her red mane named Apple Bloom. The second was a white unicorn with the pink and purple mane named Sweetie Belle. And lastly, the third was an orange pegasus with a short, purple mane named Scootaloo. These three little shysters called themselves 'The Cutie Mark Crusaders' and I had met them through their older sisters; Apple Bloom obviously being Apple Jack's, Sweetie Belle being Rarity's, and Scootaloo being Rainbow Dash's sister-from-another-mister.

As I got up and patted myself, I recalled a day from a few weeks ago were these three approached me and, seeing if they could get tour guide cutie marks, asked if they could help me with my tours. I allowed them and oh what a day that was, heh heh he--NEVER AGAIN....I'm still carrying the physical and emotional scars from that day...

"Sup, girls," I greeted them, looking into my bag and confirming that the contents within were spared from the ambush. "What're you all doin' out here?"

"They're here to see me, actually," Twilight answered, stepping down the stairs. "I occasionally take some time out of my busy schedule to mentor the Crusaders in a few subjects."

"Yeah, what she said!" Sweetie Belle said with a nod.

Scootaloo then spoke up. "Hey uh, Twilight, is it ok if we bring an extra filly with us today? We promise it won't be anything like last time."

"An extra filly?" Twilight questioned, using a wingtip to tap her chin in thought. "Well...it is just one, so I highly doubt it'll be a repeat with Spike and the nachos, so I guess it's all right."

Scootaloo happily nodded, then turned back to the road leading away from the castle and shouted, "Alright, she said yes! You can come out now!"

Seconds later, a figure emerged from behind some trees by the side of the road, a figure I was familiar with.

"Dinky?" I asked as the unicorn filly walked over. "What are you doing here?" I pointed a thumb at the Crusaders. "Since when did you start hanging out with these three?"

Apple Bloom took this moment to answer me. "Since we started recruitin', that's when!"

"Actually," Dinky said as she stood before me, giving me a warm smile, "it felt more like a draft to me."

"Yeah, it is getting a little drafty out here," Scootaloo added, covering her shoulders with her wings.

"What happened?" I asked Dinky, smirking as I placed a hand at the side of my waist. "Did they say 'Does this rag smell like chloroform?' and the next thing you knew, you woke up in their clubhouse wearing one of their trademarked capes?"

Dinky, being a pretty smart filly for her age, understood my joke and merely smiled back at me with a roll of her eyes. "Heh, no. I just split one of my mom's muffins four-ways with them during lunch at school, then they started begging me to join."

"Well, we was scoutin' you out anyways, but that muffin sealed the deal for us!" Apple Bloom chimed in.

"If you say so," Dinky said to Apple Bloom, giving her a small smile and a dismissive shrug.

"Eh, girls?" Twilight added, all of us turning to her. "Kinda on the clock today," she gestured with her head for them to enter the castle, "I've only got an hour to tutor you all before I have to tend to my other duties, so can we hurry this along please?"

"Oh, right, sorry Twilight. See ya, Maurice." Sweetie Belle said before she, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo walked up the stairs and entered the castle.

"Later," I said to them with a wave as they walked further in. Lowering my gaze from the door, I saw that Dinky was standing at the foot of the stairs, seeming reluctant to enter.

"Dinky," Twilight said to the young filly, giving her a gentle smile. "Come on, head inside; I won't bite."

Rubbing her foreleg with a hoof, Dinky lightly chuckled at the alicorn. "I know that...it's just...this'll be my first time entering the castle, so I guess I'm a little nervous."

"Oh, well don't be," Twilight said encouragingly. "Just take it one step at a time and you'll have entered before you know it."

Dinky rolled her neck and started to stretch her leg muscles. "Alright, sure, I can do that."

I could have left at this moment, but I stayed because I found Dinky's climb up the stairs to be pretty entertaining; she was keeping her gaze on her hooves the entire time and took almost a minute just to walk up like, five steps.

Once Dinky had noticed that there were no more steps to take, her expression turned joyful and her mouth opened as she was about to say something, but was instead interrupted by a voice coming from above.

"Hey, Muffin!"

"Mom?" Dinky questioned, looking skywards.

Looking up as well, I spotted Dinky's mother, Ditzy, wearing her mailmare hat and carrying her mailbag strapped to her side as she descended. With a big ol' smile plastered on the gray pegasus' face, she landed besides her daughter and scooped her up in a hug.

"Dinky, what are you doing here at Twilight's?" Ditzy excitedly asked, happily rubbing her chin atop her daughter's mane.

Seeing that Dinky was unable to respond, on account that her face was forcibly buried in her mother's chest, muffling her attempts to speak, Twilight answered for her.

"She's here to learn a few things from me with the Crusaders, apparently she's one of them now."

Upon hearing Twilight say that, I quickly clasped my hands over my mouth and tried to keep myself from laughing as I imagined Dinky, confused as the Crusaders sat around her at a table, slamming their hooves on it in rhythm as they chanted 'One of us, one of us. Gooble-gobble, gooble-gobble.'

Ditzy released her daughter from her death-hug with a noggie, then said to her, "Aw, I'm so proud of you, Muffin! You've gone and made yourself some new friends!"

With a near-quiet chuckle, Dinky turned away from her mother and gave an embarrassed smile as she rubbed the back of her head with a hoof.

"Hey Ditzy," I said, finally greeting her.

Now noticing my presence, Ditzy turned to me and broke into a smile. "Hiya Maurice! What are you doing here?"

Ditzy's smile being infectious, I returned the expression as I crossed my arms over my chest and shrugged. "I was just about to head home actually; was here for my physica--" I was interrupted by a flash of light and a loud click.

Blinking, I turned to the source and saw several ponies approaching the castle from the road, almost all of whom were carrying cameras and taking pictures.

"Twilight!" I yelled as I turned back to her, seeing that Ditzy and Dinky were both trying to sheild their eyes from the flashes. "I'm so sorry, I was positive that there were no tours scheduled to come over today!"

Twilight shook her head. "No, you're right: there are no tours today." Her expression went fearful. "Actually, I'd prefer it if they were tourists, 'cause this is worse, much, much worse..."

Looking back to the nearing ponies, then back to Twilight, I asked, "Really? What are they?"

Ears flattening and wings drooping, one word escaped from her mouth. "Paparazzi..."

Once they got close enough, the slew of mares and stallions who were blinding us with their camera flashes, began to call out to Twilight.

"Princess, over here please!"

"Give us a smile!"

"Princess, look here!"

Probably wanting to escape from all this, Ditzy pulled out some envelopes from her bag and handed them to Twilight, saying, "Alright, here's your mail. Bye Dinky, have fun!" she said with a wave before flying off.

"Bye mom!" Dinky yelled before entering the castle, Twilight following her and closing the door after her.

Thankful that the paparazzi were only focused on Twilight and were now taking photos of the door were she just stood, I walked around them and headed home.

"Heyyo~ Is anyone home?" I announced as I entered the house, closing the door behind me.

"Ah, Maurice, you're back," Tavi said, walking into my vision. "How did your physical go?"

"It went fine, clean bill of health as far as Twilight can tell." Keeping my hands behind my back, I grinned as I approached her. "Hey uh, Tavi, I got ya something on the way here."

Tavi pulled her head back and smiled. "Really? What is it?" she curiously asked as walked around me, trying to get a look at what I was keeping behind my back.

Denying her a peek by rotating to face her, I shook my head. "Uh-uh-uh. Close your eyes..."

Failing to get a look at the item in question, Tavi sat on her haunches with a playful huff before doing so.

Acting quickly, I held the item out, then said, "Alright, go ahead and open them now."

After opening her eyes, Tavi blinked twice when she found that I was holding before her, clutched in my hand by the dethorned stem, a single rose.

"Oh my," Tavi said in joyful bewilderment, placing a hoof over her chest as she eyed the rose while breaking into a smile. "Is that for me?"

"Eh, what can I say?" I said, rubbing the back of my neck and looking away, grinning as my face got warmer. "I guess I like to think of myself as a hopeless romanti--" I felt the rose go taut before loosening again. Confused, I looked forward again and found that the flower-end of the rose was gone, petals and all, and that Tavi was chewing.

"Thank you," Tavi said as she chewed, covering her mouth with a hoof, then swallowed. "It was very delicious."

Remembering that roses are considered a delicacy by ponies, I raised the stem before my eyes and stared at the empty space were the rose bud once was, thinking to myself, Huh...if the mare I bought this from clenched her head in panic and yelled 'The horror, the horror!' before fainting--just because I dropped a bit for the rose, I might add--then imagine how'd she react when seeing this...

"Anyway!" I casually exclaimed, discarding the stem somewhere behind me. Looking out the window and seeing that the sun was now setting, I walked over to my room's door, opened it, fished the plastic cup out of my pocket, tossed it and the messenger bag onto my bed, then turned back to Tavi. "We all set to head over to the party?"

Tavi nodded. "Mhmm, well I am, but let me check on Vinyl real quick." As soon as Tavi made a motion for Vinyl's room, its door opened on its own.

"Yeah yeah yeah, I'm ready too," Vinyl dismissively said as she exited her room, carrying in her magic her heavily-customized turntable-slash-mix board that she had dubbed Wubz.

"You're bringing that along with you?" Tavi questioned, pointing at Wubz. "Why?"

Cocking a brow, Vinyl looked at Wubz, then to Tavi before answering in a tone that implied that the reason was obvious. "'Cause I'm lending my setup for the party, duh. Did you not see me lug speakers and wiring out of the house all day?" Before Tavi replied, Vinyl faced-palmed with a smile. "Heh, whoops; almost forgot the auxiliary cables for Wubz here. Here Maurice, hold this real quick," Vinyl said, floating Wubz into my arms before going back into her room.

Waiting patiently for Vinyl to return, I inspected Wubz, wondering how Vinyl even knew how to operate this thing; it was made from some sort of pearl-white aluminum with a jet-blue border and purple mats the same color as her shades, took almost my entire arm-span to hold, and was just covered in all kinds of buttons, switches, knobs, and sliders. Curious as to what the bottom of this thing even looked like, I carefully flipped it and was surprised at what I saw. There, crudely scratched onto the bottom of the thing by some unknown tool, were symbols, symbols that I recognized as Japanese Katakana.

バイヌル

Remembering my classes from college, I began to sound out the characters. "Ba...i...nu...ru... Bainuru..." Seconds later, I made an amused huff and grinned when I realized what the symbols were sounding out. "Huh, it's Vinyl..."

"What was that? You called?" Raising my gaze, I found Vinyl standing before me, having just retrieved the cables she forgot.

"Oh, uh, nothing," I answered, shaking my head with a smirk as I decided to save what I found for a later time. Walking over to the door with Wubz in my arms, I turned back to my roommates. "So are we finally ready to go now, or what?"

The party was a bit bigger that I had originally thought... The park, right in the center of were the party was being held, was filled with what seemed like half the town, all dancing and shaking their things under the bright moon and night sky to music being played by some performers using Vinyl's equipment atop an elevated, brightly lit stage. Meanwhile, dozens of local vendors, taking advantage of the festivities, had set up stands around the park, selling snacks, drinks, and other commodities to the crowd.

Now that I've been in Ponyville for around two months now, and constantly seen giving tours, the townsponies had grown more accustom to me, so the glances they gave me as I moved among them were more casual than hesitant. However, I might have given them a new reason to stare when I decided to pull out my Elaine from Seinfeld-esque moves on the dance floor; 'the dance of my people' I called it...

Deciding to take a breather, the girls and I separated from the crowd and searched among the vendors for something to quench our thirsts. Soon enough, we found Berry Punch, selling drinks from behind a portable bar, as well as Lyra and Bon Bon seated at a table besides her.

"Huh, that was ridiculously fast," I said, sitting in between Vinyl and Tavi for warmth against this frigid air as I looked at the latest (and by 'latest' I mean like a few hours ago) edition of 'The Daily Equestrian' that Berry managed to get her hooves on before being distributed. Prominently displayed on the front page of the paper was a picture showing a confused-looking Ditzy and Dinky, standing next to an annoyed Twilight in front of her castle; the headliner above the image, written in bold font, read as:

Has Princess Twilight Sparkle Taken An Apprentice Of Her Own?

Realizing that someone in the newspaper company had taken a few liberties with the situation in the picture, I scoffed, then tossed the paper onto the center of the table, pulled my mug of cider closer to me and took a swig from it. Lyra, who was sitting across the table from me, spoke, her voice still audible despite the music blaring from across the street.

"Hey, it's not that bad, they're just trying to drum up gossip so they can sell more papers; nopony will take it seriously. Heck, I remember this one time, they released an article saying that, due to budget cuts, Celestia shut down some monster hunting agency or something, it's silly really."

Bon Bon, sitting next to Lyra, nervously smiled as she rubbed a shoulder. "Heh heh...yeah....silly..."

"I know," I said, setting my mug back onto the table. "It's just...I'm worried how this'll affect Dinky; she's a good kid."

"She'd probably enjoy it," Berry chimed in from behind her portable bar, handing cider to her paying customers before waving them off. "It's not everyday you show up on the front page of a newspaper, so it'll probably give her something to brag about to her little friends."

"Well there is that," Tavi said with a shrug, a mug in between her hooves. "At least it's not a Gabby Gums column."

"Ugh, I know!" Lyra answered with a dismissive shake of her head, readying her mug near her mouth. "I still remember the one those kids made about me: 'Local nutcase believes in made-up creature' is what it said." Wrapping her lips around the mug's rim, she took a hearty chug from it before slamming it back down. Gesturing at me, Lyra then said, "But look at that, Maurice is here, so who's the nutcase now!? Heh heh, not me!"

"Nope, still you," I jabbed before sipping from my cider.

Lyra tilted her head in confusion at me. "What, why?"

Shrugging, I answered with, "Well, other than the stalking--"

"Observing," Lyra corrected.

"'Observing'," I said with air quotes. "There's just no way you met a human before. From what I heard, and I heard this from Celestia herself, I'm Equestria's first and only."

Tavi nodded. "Maurice has a point there, Lyra. Are you sure that what you encountered as a filly wasn't some other upright creature, like say...a diamond dog or a minotaur?"

Crosssing her forehooves over her chest, Lyra's expression changed to agitated. "Geez, you sound just like my parents...and my school teacher...and my psychiatrist...and that mare at the bank..."

"All of whom you bit when they said you were wrong," Bon Bon added, her eyes focused on her mug as she slid it back and fourth.

Tavi pushed herself away from the table a bit, gazing at Lyra. "You're not gonna bite me, are you?"

Deciding to put this whole matter to rest, I guzzled a healthy amount of my cider for liquid courage, placed the mug back down, then leaned forward and said, "Alright Lyra, I'll bite. What exactly went down when you met this 'other human'."

Lyra seemed exited, her ears perking and her mouth sporting a wide smile, clearly eager to tell her tale. "Well, it--"

"Oh, here we go," Bon Bon unenthusiasticly interrupted, pulling her mug closer to herself. "Everypony, use this moment to take a looong drink from your ciders...you're gonna need it."

"Anyway," Lyra said, turning back to me after giving Bon Bon a hard look for that comment. "I met the other human a long time ago, back when I was a blank-flank filly. See, back then, I lived in Canterlot, but because I got grounded, I wa--"

"Oh yeah," Bon Bon interrupted again. "You were grounded for a month because you shoved another filly's head into a beaker."

"Hey, in my defense, I didn't think her head would actually fit in it," Lyra replied with a roll of her eyes before returning to her story. "As I was saying...I got grounded 'cause of that, and since my parents knew I could easily sneak out of the house to go hang out with my friends, they decided to bring me here to Ponyville where they owned a secluded cabin in the outskirts of town. Man, let me tell you, it was boring! I had absolutely nothing to do; parents were getting all--ugh--smoochy in the rest of the house, and I had no one to talk to, so I just sat alone in my room, bored out of my mind.

"Then, one night, about a week into my punishment, it happened. I was sleeping in my bed when I woke up to a noise in the room. Wondering what the heck it was, I pulled my head out from under the covers and saw, standing at the other side of my bed and silhouetted from the moonlight coming from the open window, a creature...a creature that was standing on two legs and had two arms, just like Maurice here!

"I was scared, I wanted to scream for my parents in the other room, but I didn't when it spoke. It was saying that it was ok, that it wasn't going to hurt me, and that it just wanted the half-eaten pie I left on the nightstand. Just wanting it to go, I floated it over to him and was kinda surprised when it thanked me before climbing out the window.

"The next morning, I woke up and thought that it was just a strange dream, but when night returned and I went back to bed, it came back! This time, it wanted a drink from the glass of water my mom had left for me; so just like the pie, I let it have it so it would go.

"Then, lo and behold, it came back on the third night, wanting my cookies! At this point, I realized that it really didn't have any intention of hurting me, so I decided to talk to it." Lyra smiled. "He never bothered to tell me his name, but I didn't care; I finally had somepony to talk to! Right when my folks went to sleep, he'd show up and we'd play games, I'd sometimes sneak into the kitchen to bring him a snack, we'd talk. Heh," Lyra huffed with a smile, shaking her head a bit, "he said my stories were cool...and he called me bro.

"But that's not the best part. See, my room in that cabin had a lyre hanging off the wall that was more of a decorative piece, but I'd sometimes take it down so I could play it for him. I wasn't very good, and I had to be careful not to wake my parents, but each time he visited and each time I played, I gradually got better until...well," smirking, she gestured at her lyre cutie mark, "this appeared."

With one sigh, Lyra's expression went from cheerful, to downtrodden, her ears flat as her gaze was fixed on the wooden table before her. "But one night however, after two weeks had passed and my punishment was almost over, he showed up and said that it would be the last time he would be over. He said that he had to 'fone home' or whatever, and that I shouldn't be sad because he will always be," she pointed a hoof at her chest, "in here...or something like that. I remember him wiping a tear from my cheek, saying that he will be back one day and that we'll have a milkshake when he does...heh, his treat."

Lyra sighed again, lowering her chin onto the table and splaying her forelegs onto it. "And true to his word, he stopped coming, and my family and I returned to Canterlot. Eh," she said with a shrug," I eventually made the mistake of asking my parents what kind of species he was and my folks insisted that there was no such thing. After weeks of trying to explain that there was, my folks began to worry that I might be losing it, so they decided to send me to a few institutions."

"You know," Lyra said, sitting upright again. "Even I was starting to believe that I really did go bonkers there, but then BAM," she exclaimed, pointing her forehooves at me, "human; so the one I met as a filly had to be real."

Realizing that Lyra had finished telling her tale, and having only just half-listened to it because of the music's fluctuating volume, I raised my mug to her and said, "Hey, cool story, bro."

"Huh..." Lyra uttered, cocking her head and giving me a wide-eyed, curious look. "That's exactly what the other human said..."

"Sure he did," I said to Lyra with a nod before turning to Vinyl besides me, having just noticed that she's been silent for a while. "Yo, Vinyl, ya there?"

"Hmm?" Vinyl sounded, not even looking at me. She then waved a dismissive hoof, saying, "Ya ya, it was a cute story."

I smirked, realizing that Vinyl had spent this entire time gazing at the source of the music in the midst of the dancing ponies in the park. "What, you afraid that they're gonna break your toys?" I teased in a mocking tone.

Vinyl shook her head. "What? No. Just waiting for my cue."

"Your cue?" I asked. "What, are you gonna waltz up there and re-tune everything?"

"Mm, something like that," Vinyl answered, shrugging.

Deciding to leave her be, I rejoined the others as they started a new discussion.

"Huh," Bon Bon soon uttered after sipping from her mug. "I just realized that we don't have a pegasus in the group..."

Ah, so this is the pony equivalent of 'Guys! I just realized that we're lacking a black friend in our all white group!'

'What, no way!'

'The horror, the horror!'

As I quietly chuckled to myself, Vinyl rose from her seat. "Alright ladies," Vinyl said, giving us a quick, half-assed salute before walking towards the park. "Be back in a bit , so don't wait up."

Raising my mug at her, I nodded, then took another sip as I turned back to the others.

Minutes later, after chatting away with the rest of the girls, I was nearly startled when a stallion's voice came from behind.

"Octavia...is that you?"

Tavi's ears perked before she and I turned in our seats, where we found a unicorn stallion standing there. He was beige, almost golden in color, had teal eyes and an orange mane and tail, wore some kind of dark-blue vest with a white tie, and was sporting a cutie mark depicting an open book with an ink-dipped quill writing into it.

Tavi scanned him top to bottom before putting on a smile of disbelief. "Ledger?" she asked. Once the stallion returned the smile and nodded, Tavi immediately rose from her seat and enveloped him a hug, excitedly asking, "Ledger, what are you doing here?!"

Returning the embrace, and his voice ecstatic, this 'Ledger' guy patted her back. "Came here on business, but decided to stick around for the festivities!" He separated from the hug, yet kept his hooves on her shoulders. "What about you, what are you doing here? You leave Canterlot without so much as a word, then I run into you almost half a year later out here in the country?"

Backing away so that his hooves would slide off her, Tavi's smile became less mirthful, her gaze lowered as she pawed at the ground. "I'm sorry about that, Ledger...things were..." She took a breath. "Things were getting a little too hectic for me there and I simply had to escape..."

"Yeah, well, I guess I can understand where you're coming from, so I can't really say that I blame you," Ledger said, shrugging and casually looking around his shoulders. Turning back to Tavi, he cocked his head and smiled. "Still, a letter or two would have been nice."

Rubbing her shoulder, Tavi gave him a near-quiet chuckle. "Heh heh...a-apologies, I've been busy forming a life outside of the capital." As soon as she finished that sentence, Tavi's ears pointed straight. "Actually, I recently got myself a coltfriend."

"Really?" Ledger said in contained surprise, a hint of a smile on his face as he leaned forward a bit.

Moving besides me, Tavi placed a hoof on my shoulder. "In fact, this is him. Maurice," she said to me before gesturing at Ledger with her other hoof. "This is Ledger. Ledger, this is Maurice."

"Hi," I greeted with a friendly smile, raising from my seat and extending my hand towards him.

With eyes widening, Ledger looked me in the eyes, then down to my hand. "Whoa," he uttered, taking a wide step back. "I thought he was in some sort of get-up, or--or maybe even a diamond dog..."

"Ledger, don't be rude!" Tavi scolded in a similar matter that a mother would to their child.

"No, it's fine," I said to Tavi, retracting my hand. "He's from out of town, so of course he's never seen me before." Rubbing the back of my neck, I decided to try and salvage whatever I could from this awkward situation. "So uh...how do you know this guy?"

"Ah, of course; I didn't really explain, did I." After clearing her throat, Tavi gestured a hoof at Ledger. "He's my brother."

My expression went blank as I pulled my head back in surprise. Turning from Tavi to Ledger, I uttered, "O-Oh..."

"Well, no, actually," Tavi continued. "He's my father's ward, but he might as well be."

Oh...so he's not related to her...

Ledger gave me a hesitant nod. "Eh, yeah..." Turning to Tavi, he then spoke to her, yet his eyes would occasionally dart up to mine as he did so. "Say, uh, Octavia...do you wanna continue this elsewhere?"

"Ledger," Tavi said, her tone irritated. "You aren't honestly intimidated by--"

"It's ok," I cut in, shrugging.

Tavi looked up to me, her expression worryful. "Are...are you sure?"

Sitting back down on my seat, I retrieved my mug and gestured with my head for her to go. "It's fine, I'm sure you two have a lot to talk about."

"Oh, well...alright then..." Walking past Ledger, Tavi made a motion with her head, saying to him, "Alright, come along now."

"Yeah..." Ledger replied, not removing his gaze from me until he began to follow her. Once they were almost out of earshot, I heard him say, "You can't seriously be dating that thing!?"

Expecting a comment like that, I just sat there, hands wrapped around my mug as I watched Tavi and Ledger turn a corner down the street. Once they were gone, I finished the last of my cider, set the mug back onto the table, then sighed.

Am I worried that I just let Tavi walk away with an admittedly ok-looking dude whom she isn't related to by blood and has an apparent history with... Maybe... But this is Tavi here, and I doubt she'd be the kind to repeat my mistakes; I just have to trust her.

Just like she trusted you...

I gave my head a good shake and slapped my cheeks for good measure, trying to get that thought out of my head. Succeeding by finishing the rest of the cider left in Tavi's mug, I soon shivered.

"Brr...l-lot colder now that Vinyl and Tavi are gone..."

Seeing that Lyra, Bon Bon and Berry had started their own little conversation amongst themselves, I rose from my seat and decided to head back to the dance floor, hoping that dancing in the middle of that mosh pit in the park might warm me up a bit.

I arrived at the park just as the current song was at its end. Finishing, the performers on the stage gave their bows and thanks to the audience before walking off, only to have another walk upstage and take their place. I was surprised, as I immediately recognized this new performer as the same charcoal gray unicorn mare who I witnessed sing at the Hoof Tapper.

The unicorn mare silently stepped up to the mic, turned back to a stallion sitting behind Vinyl's turntable at the back corner of the stage, then nodded to him. The stallion returned the nod with one of his own, as well as a wave of his hoof, then moved some things around on the turntable, causing the large speakers at both sides of the stage to give off a rhythmic beat.

Turning back to the crowd with a smile on her face, the mare closed her eyes and bobbed her head with the beat, then, once she had the flow down, she reopened her eyes and began to sing into the mic with a confident shake of her head.

Already finding her voice pleasant to the ears, my mouth formed into a widened smile when I recognized the lyrics. It was the same song from the jazz club, only now it was being sung in an 80's rock style fashion. With my head bobbing to the incredible music, along with the rest of the crowd, I was surprised almost a minute into the song when Rainbow Dash herself swooped over the stage, clearly a part of the show when she added to the song's verse.

Thinking that this couldn't get better, I was shocked yet again, when Vinyl, in a blinding flash of magical light, poofed into existence besides the charcoal mare....rapping. Now, in case you didn't get it the first time, let me repeat. Vinyl Scratch...is rapping onstage...and it sounds awesome!

But, like all good things, the song came to an end and the music faded into silence. However, the audience still cheered, stomped their hooves, and hollered at what a great performance it was, and Vinyl seemed to be enjoying this as she egged the crowd to cheer even louder. With the crowd now fully riled up, Vinyl took a few steps back, then ran forward and actually jumped off the stage! Fully expecting this, the group of ponies she landed on caught her with their raised hooves, then began to pass her to others.

Surfing the crowd, Vinyl used her magic to gather some items from around her.

My cheering stopped, however, when I saw that the items Vinyl was pulling towards herself consisted of a funnel and several mugs of cider.

Oh...oh this can not end well...

It didn't end well...

The party had ended and I was currently walking home besides Tavi, giving a passed-out-drunk Vinyl a piggyback ride.

"I'm sorry about Ledger's reaction towards you," Tavi apologized, cutting the silence.

With my hands behind me, holding Vinyl up by her haunches, I shrugged, being careful not to drop her. "It's fine, really, it is. Honestly, his reaction was pretty tame compared to most."

"Still, I feel horrible for it..." As we continued to walk, Tavi looked up to me. "How about you let me carry Vinyl, hmm? I do have the earthpony strength and stamina to make it home with her in tow."

Again, I shrugged. "Nah, she's the reason I'm not freezing my ass off out here." For emphasis, I exhaled a long trail of mist from my mouth.

"You're cold?" Tavi questioned in a worried tone before seeming as if she just realized something. "Ah...of course: you lack the fur that we ponies have."

"That and I'm used to a warmer climate; plus, Rarity hasn't finished making those winter clothes I asked for." Finishing that sentence, Vinyl began to stir. Grinning, I turned to her head that was resting on my shoulder. "Hey Vinyl...you ight?"

With her eyes still closed, Vinyl raised her head a bit from my shoulder, but soon had it plop back onto it. Soon, she spoke, her speech heavily slurred. "Ugh...wha...what's goin'...what's goin' on...ma-man?"

Tavi snickered. "Ah, lack of memory; one of the many clear signs that somepony has lost their sobriety. Tell me, how many hooves am I holding up?" The answer was none.

Vinyl lightly shook her head, rubbing her chin atop my shoulder. "Sicksteen... and am not--eh--dot...not drunk!"

"Vinyl," I said. "You drank several ciders through a funnel as you surfed a crowd, challenged Berry to a drinking match--which even I think was a foolhardy thing to do, jumped through her bar's window when you lost, then helped yourself to a few drinks while you were in... Vinyl, my prognosis: drunk!"

Vinyl was queit for a few seconds before speaking again. "...Ya...ya know, Mar...Maurice! Dat shounds leik someting a drunck poneh would shay..."

Keeping my eyes forward, I merely responded with, "Uh-huh...sure it is..." A minute later, I began to hear this chomping noise near my ear. "Uh...Tavi?"

"Yes?" she asked.

"What's Vinyl doing?"

Tavi soon gave an amused huff. "She's...she's trying to bite your ear."

"Ok..." I said. "Huh, Vinyl, why are you trying to bite my ear?"

Due to Vinyl's intoxication, her response was almost an incomprehensible slur. However, being of the Spanish persuasion, and therefore guaranteed to have had that one uncle who tries to give you life advice when drunk, I was able to decipher her ramblings as, "I'm...I'm tryin' to...to nibble on your ear...so you will geht in the mood...so we can have the shexs again..."

Thankful that Tavi didn't seem to catch that, I nervously chuckled at Vinyl. "Heh heh heh....heh...g-go home Vinyl, you're drunk!"

"I taught we were goin' home..." Resuming our walk, Vinyl eventually squeezed her hooves around my shoulders, complaining in a filly-like voice, "Oooh...I have to go to the bathroom!"

"We're almost home, Vinyl," Tavi said. "Just hold it for a little bit longer." I stopped in my tracks, and after Tavi took a few steps ahead, she turned back and gave me a curious look. "Maurice?" she asked. "What's wrong?"

With unblinking eyes facing forward, and expression showing multiple degrees of horror, I answered her. "She...she doesn't have to go to the bathroom anymore..."

Releasing a satisfied sigh into my ear, Vinyl chuckled.

"Typical..." I said to myself, shivering in my bed under the covers, still moist after taking a quick shower. "I ask for a little warmth, and the universe has Vinyl pee on me..."

Trying to go to sleep, and hoping not to wake up dead from hypothermia in the morning, I was soon alerted to a knock at my door.

"Y-Y-Yeah?" I answered through clattering teeth.

"It's me," said Tavi's voice from behind the door. "May I come in?"

"It's...it's o-open."

"Ah," Tavi sounded, opening the door before entering, her body highlighted in my dark room by the moonlight streaking through my window. "I cleaned Vinyl off and put her to bed."

In response to that, I could only give a slow, shaky nod.

Seeming concerned, Tavi then said, "Maurice, I...I don't want to intrude, but...I could hear your shivering from Vinyl's room...and...well..." Ears flattening, she nervously smiled as she bumped the tips of her forehooves together. "Well it's obvious that you're freezing, and...and I do have fur, so...so I was wondering if you'd allow me to...to sleep...with...you..."

I was speechless; other than the occasional kiss or hug, Tavi didn't like to get very physical in our relationship. The thought of her sharing a bed with me was too much to pass up, almost causing me to thank this cold.

"Yeah...yeah, of course," I answered with a smile, nodding my head almost violently.

Seeming to be satisfied with my response, Tavi smiled as she walked over, and as soon as she was close enough, I pulled the cover back for her. Once she stepped onto the bed and scooched next to me, she laid on her stomach and positioned her head over my chest.

"Comfy?" I asked.

Smiling, Tavi nodded. "Mmm, yes...very..."

After placing the cover over the both of us, I rested my head back onto my pillow and enjoyed her warmth and vanilla-like sent.

Before I knew it, I was fast asleep, not shivering in the slightest.

Author's Note

Here's my patreon. Come on guys, I'd really like to go to my first ever convention. Babscon.

Maurice, The Equestrian Prometheus

Almost as if nature itself rehearsed it, birds started to tweet outside my window just as the rays from the carefully rising sun right over the horizon began to slip through the thin gaps of my closed blinds, slowly brightening my room and making it much easier for me to make out the mare who was still sleeping contently beside me. Octavia, she was pressed up at my side, her foreleg draped over me and her her head resting atop my chest, a serene look on her face as her own chest rose and fell in tune with her calm breathing beneath my blanket covering both our lower-halves.

Soon enough, and much to my dismay, a pair of birds playfully chirped a little too loudly as they raced past the window, causing Octavia to stir.

Seeing her eyes begin to crack open, I genuinely smiled as I gingerly ran my fingers through her disheveled mane, whispering, "Hey there, sleepy head. Good morning."

"Maurice?" Tavi questioned in a weary tone, her unfocused eyes gazing at me before closing yet again. "What time is it?" she asked, the vibration from her small voice felt atop my chest.

Freeing my other arm from under the confines of my blanket, I brought my wrist up to eye level and jokingly replied with, "It's about a freckle past a hair."

Due to her tired state, Tavi's laughter came out as an amused huff. "Hmm...smart ass..." She twitched her ear, prompting me to lightly rub it with my index finger and thumb. "Mmm, that's the stuff," she contently cooed as I happily continued to knead her ears. After a minute of alternating from one ear to the other, Tavi eventually asked, "Seriously though...how early is it?"

Not wanting to ruin the moment by forcing Tavi off of me so I could turn to check the clock sitting atop the nightstand, I merely told her what I already knew. "Uh...well the sun just rose... So uh...very early?"

"'Very early', hmm?" she sounded in a curious yet still tired tone. "And why are you already up at such an ungodly hour?"

Still massaging her ears, I lightly shrugged. "Woke up hours ago. Stayed up watching you sleep." Complete with the sound of a car engine flooding, my brain slowed to a pause before rewinding to re-examine what I had just said. Gee, that didn't sound creepy at all... Hope Tavi didn't catch tha--

"Heh...well doesn't that sound alarming? You sure you're not a spree murderer of sorts?" she joked, her grin slowly growing.

"Yes, Tavi," I answered with a roll of my eyes, deciding to humor her. "I'm a serial killer who likes to watch mares sleep, and, lucky for you, I've put off your murder for so long because you're just too adorable."

In response, Tavi's smile grew a little bigger as she slowly shook her head, her chin rubbing atop my sleeping shirt. "Really now? That adorable you say?"

"Oh yeah, definitely," I answered with a nod. "The words 'too sexy to kill' also come to mind, but that's just my opinion...plus...III'm not actually a serial killer just in case you're taking me serious here... I mean, I've eaten plenty of cereal in my life, so, in a way, I guess I could be considered a...heh heh...cereal killer." Once I finished saying that, I stared at Tavi, my mouth slightly open as I tired my best to imitate the pun husky meme's expression. "Eh?" I sounded, nudging her a bit. "Get it, Tavi? Cereal killer?"

Her previously smiling mouth had gone neutral before she gave her response. "Yes...I got it...and I see that your Earth is also plagued by that same terrible pun... Here's hoping that you don't pursue comedy as a profession. If you are, Maurice, then I suggest you don't quit your day job..."

My own expression mimicking her's, I replied with, "Murder McKilling Spree..."

"That fellow again?" Tavi asked, her ears perking as she cracked an eye open to look at me. "You never did answer that question as to who it was that had murdered his neighbor..."

Eyes shifting towards the ceiling, I grinned smugly as I thought to myself, And she says I can't do comedy...

Taking who knows how long, we simply enjoyed the other's company until Tavi let out a dejected sigh before she began to raise her head off me, forcing me to stop the little ear massage I've been giving her.

"I have to get up and make breakfast," she stated in that kill-me-it's-morning kind of voice, her eyes still closed as she shifted towards the edge of the bed. But before she could make it there, I wrapped an arm around her and stopped her. "Maurice?" she questioned, looking back to me with one eye half open.

Shaking my head, I got out of bed and, much to her confusion, began to tuck her in. "You stay in bed and get some more sleep. I'm already up, so I'll be the one to make us all breakfast this time."

Positioning her head to rest more comfortably on my pillow, Tavi yawned as she nodded. "Well, alright then...if you...if you insist."

Being careful not to turn her into a blanket burrito, I tucked Tavi in a bit more securely before the cold air nipping at me forced me to put on three jackets over my sleeping clothes. With that taken care of, I kissed Tavi's forehead, eliciting smile out of her, then began to tip-toe out of my room, but stopped right under the doorway when I heard Tavi's voice.

"Maurice?" she called, still in the position I had left her.

"Uh, yeah?" I answered.

"You...do know how to cook...right?"

Quietly closing it behind me, I waved my hand dismissively around the door as I gave her my reply. "It's cooking, Tavi. I'm sure I can wing it. I mean, how hard could it be?"

"Tavi, Vinyl, brace yourselves, you're about to witness history in the making here. I don't wish to alarm you, but if you're of the faint-of-heart, then leave now and I promise not to think any less of you for doing so, because what I have created today will define...nay...revolutionize breakfast from this point onward. Maybe it was the work of some higher power using me as its tool that I was able to conceive and create this, but just like Prometheus who had brought the gift of fire to mankind, I too shall go down throughout history for what I'm about to freely give to you, Equestrians. Plays will be written, bards shall sing ballads, and statues depicting my likeness shall be erected across the globe...and I hope...can only hope...that you ponies will use my gift wisely..." Grabbing the napkin that I had improvised as a sheet, I swiftly pulled it back and revealed my artwork to the world. "Behold!"

I stepped back and allowed their minds time to adjust to what was on a plate atop the kitchen table before them. I will admit, it is quite jarring. Eventually, after probably having her mind blown thrice, Tavi spoke up.

"It's..."

"Yes?" I said as I slowly gestured for her to continue.

"It's..."

"Nice and slow, Tavi... Nice and slow..."

"It's...just two waffles with peanut-butter and jelly in-between them," Tavi said, raising a confused brow at me. "You've basically made a PB&J sandwich, only you substituted the bread with waffles..."

"Correction," I added, beaming a smile as I raised a finger. "They're buttermilk flavored waffles... Life-changing, I know. I suggest lying down for a while; give it time to let it all sink in."

After looking at me like I couldn't be serious, Tavi shook her head, turned, then walked towards my room. "I'm going back to bed..."

"Fine!" I shouted as Tavi walked away, turning to Vinyl. "It's her loss, right, Vinyl? Just means more for you and me."

With an incredibly messy mane, bloodshot eyes, and an ice bag placed to the side of her head by her magic, Vinyl silently stared at the fruits of my labor. She must have been more unprepared than I expected, because I could see her face slowly go green before she retched, covering her mouth with a hoof. "I'm gonna be sick!" she exclaimed as she fumbled for the bathroom, followed by the sound of her throwing up once she made it in.

Hmm, a natural reaction to having one's universe rocked. I'd help her if I could, but only she can traverse that mental hurdle that was everything she once knew. I can only pat her back and wish her the best of luck with that endeavor...aaand maybe hold her mane back while she barfs.

"Vinyl, I'm going in there!"

Ten minutes into the afternoon, I sat cross-legged on the couch with an open notebook and pencil in my hands, contemplating for the last five minutes over what I should write about. Call me a little vain, but I like being praised for my work, so I can't just write a fanfic featuring popular characters from Earth TV series or movies like I usually do; ponies here just wouldn't get the references. No, I'd have to start something from scratch, maybe create pony characters that Vinyl and Tavi could relate to.

A minute had gone by and all I had done was tap the pencil against my chin as I stared at the blank paper before me, my mind drawing a blank as I was unable to come up with an original idea. Eventually I set the notebook and pencil down and buried my face in my hands, thinking, Ugh, no wonder all Hollywood seemed to be doing was remaking older movies!

Right when I was about to go for another attempt, Vinyl opened the door to her room and stepped out, appearing much better than she did earlier this morning thanks to her second sleep.

"Heh, welcome back to the land of the living," I jabbed, grinning at her as I crossed my arms and tilted my head to the side. "How you feeling? Still a little hungover?"

Vinyl gave a slow nod. "Much better... Still got a bit of a headache, but I'll survive." Ears folding back, she lowered her head as she gave me a small yet nervous smile. "And uh...thanks again for the orange juice, by the way..."

"Meh," I sounded as I shrugged dismissively, "you needed some vitamin C and something to replace those lost fluids, so I didn't mind squeezing a few oranges for you. Still...do you want an aspirin to help with that headache? I can get it for you."

"Nah, I'm good," Vinyl answered with a shake of her head, then proceeded to look around the living room. "Where's Octy?"

Opening my notebook and looking into it, I answered her. "Out. Left hours ago, said something about going to Lyra's and BonBon's for some 'real breakfast', hasn't been back since." Reaching a hand forward, I picked up one of my still unnamed breakfast masterpieces off the coffee table, brought it to my mouth, then took a hearty bite from it. Chewing, I then said, "I don't know why Tavi went to their place. I mean, we've still got plenty of these!" Swallowing, I then offered Vinyl the one in my hand. "Want a bite?"

Her eyes narrowed and focused at my creation, Vinyl nervously smiled as she took a step back. "Uh, no thanks."

"Eh, suit yourself then," I said before taking another bite, the crumbs landing on the outer-layer of jackets I was wearing. Hmm, I wonder if I can deep-fry this somehow...

Minutes later, after enjoying the rest of my entry for the Equestrian version of the Nobel Prize, I noticed Vinyl step out of the bathroom, her mane now styled in the usual way she wears it.

"Right, well I'm heading out now," Vinyl announced as she made for the front door.

Curious, I asked, "Where you off to?"

After opening the door with her magic, Vinyl turned to me. "To go pick up my equipment and stuff from the park. Gonna have to make a few trips there and back, but I should be done in a couple hours. Don't wait up," she said to me with a salute and a wink before making for the door, only to pause in mid-step when I spoke up.

"Hold on." I set my notebook and pen aside, rose from the couch, then took a moment to stretch out my muscles before I walked over to Vinyl, joining her by the door. "Let me give you a hand with your stuff."

Smiling meekly at me, Vinyl shook her head and said, "Ya don't have to do that. I got it covered."

"I insist" I replied. "It'd probably be one, maybe two trips with the both of us. Besides," I shrugged, "I was gonna leave the house anyway to go take care of something, so I might as well deal with it on the way to the park."

Vinyl pursed her lips in thought before nodding seconds later. "Well, when you say it like that, then I guess I wouldn't mind." After walking past me and through the doorway, she flicked her ears forward as she said, "C'mon, let's get a move on before somepony decides to steal my shit."

Stepping outside and closing the door behind me before locking it, I found that, despite it being the middle of the afternoon, the sky was a tad less brighter than yesterday, and looking up I could see why. High above in the sky were pegasi, all busily moving clouds around that they seemed to be gathering from...what the heck is that?

"Uh, Vinyl?"

Confused as to why I called her, Vinyl turned back to me. "Yeah?"

"Um, is that normal?" I asked, pointing at an immense...thing high in the sky, readying myself to freak out if she were to say otherwise. It was large, no doubt about it, as I could easily see its shadow over the plains near Ponyville; at first glance it appeared to be just a gigantic cloud, but I could spot structures within it that had pillars resembling Greek columns built into their design, as well as rainbows falling off the sides of the large mass as if they had the consistency of water. The rainbows might have had a calming effect on me, but, seeing what they did to that red minotaur-centaur guy in that video screen Twilight showed me so long ago, I knew they could be easily be considered the W.M.Ds of this world.

"That?" Vinyl asked, now noticing what I was pointing at. "It's just Cloudsdayle," she answered all nonchalantly. "Probably here to drop off a large shipment of clouds or something." She shrugged. "I don't know, I'm not a pegasus."

"Ah," I uttered, lowering my arm and relaxing, as I had recognized the name. Huh...so that's the Cloudsdayle that Fluttershy and Rainbow are from.

"Anyway," Vinyl prompted, causing me to turn my attention back to her. "Ya done gawking there, or are we heading over to the park?"

After giving my head a quick shake, I nodded. "Oh, right. Lead on." Nodding back, Vinyl began to walk down the road with me following close behind.

Eventually, after passing a few blocks, I was a bit caught off guard when something small and white, almost like that of a speck, fell inches away from my vision. It was too late for my eyes to focus on it, so I didn't know what it was, but I was given a second chance when another speck fell, followed by another, then another after that. I stopped in place, much to Vinyl's confusion, then looked up were I could see that the specks were now falling at a higher rate and seemed to be coming from the clouds that the pegasi were kicking. Reaching my hand out to catch a few in my open palm, I was surprised to find that the specks turned into droplets of water the second they made contact with my skin. It took my brain a while to process this information before I came to the conclusion that these specks were--

"It's snow!" I happily shouted, my face sporting a wide grin as I looked up in wonder at the falling snowflakes. "It's real, actual snow!"

"Yeah, snow," Vinyl added dismissively with a quick roll of her eyes. "Now can we please head over to the park before it wrecks my equipment?"

Looking back to her, I gave her a few too many nods. "Oh yeah--yeah! I'll even race you there!" I exclaimed before running and jumping past a confused Vinyl with my arms held out wide, trying to catch as many snowflakes as I could.

I don't care how ridiculous or childish I look right now, I'm having a great day so far!

"So uh...you saw that too...right?" I asked, sporting my new winter clothes that I had picked up from Rarity's. Behind me I was pulling a red wagon that I borrowed from Sweetie Bell while I as at the boutique, carrying the rest of Vinyl's equipment in it that was shielded from the snow by a tarp.

Wearing a blue wool cap, red scarf around her neck, and ear-warmers (which, knowing her, might also function as actual headphones), Vinyl responded as she walked ahead of me, using her magic to shove waist-high mounds of snow aside. "Saw what? Rainbow Dash wearing beachwear in winter while she applied sunblock on a possibly dead turtle?"

"Tortoise," I corrected. "But yeah, that was weird, right? And her singing!"

Stopping in her tracks, Vinyl turned back to me, confusion in her expression. "Wait, she was singing?"

"Yeah," I answered, my expression mirroring her's. "She was singing the entire time... How could you not hear that?"

Vinyl raised a brow. "Maurice, I was there with you when we walked by her... I saw the flower-printed swim trunks, and the sunblock on the turtle--"

"Tortoise."

"Turtle, but I didn't hear any singing."

She has to be fucking with me...it's the only explanation. I mean, who wouldn't have been able to hear that?

"Sure, Vinyl," I said in a humoring tone, crossing my arms and nodding. "There wasn't any singing. You're always right and I'm always wrong."

"Mmhmm," Vinyl sounded with a smug grin, turning back to the road ahead of us to push snow aside. A few yards down the makeshift trail Vinyl was leaving for me and the wagon, she stopped, then turned back to me again. "Hey, uh, I'm getting kind of hungry. Wanna make a little detour to that hayburger place?"

I placed a mitten-wearing hand onto my chin and thought it over for a bit. "Hmm, it has been a few hours since breakfast." I nodded. "Sure, I could eat."

"Sweet," Vinyl said with a grin, redirecting the path towards said burger place. Soon enough, possibly looking for a little chit-chat as we made for our destination, Vinyl spoke up. "So uh, that was some party last night, huh?"

"Yeah, I had fun," I answered.

"Good...I uh...I had fun also. Well...I remember having fun, but almost everything after I got onstage is kind of a blur. Ya mind filling me in?"

"Yeah, sure," I said, shrugging. "Well I'm not surprised that you can't remember, what with everything you drank through a funnel." Despite only being able to see her backside, I could tell that the chortling I was hearing was coming from Vinyl. Deciding to get to the gist of things, I told her the highlights as I counted them out with my fingers. "You surfed the crowd, challenged Berry to a drinking game, lost, dived through her bar's window because you lost, then drank yourself out cold while you were in there. After that, Tavi and I carried you home where you then woke up along the way and--" Son of a bitch...

"And what...?" Vinyl asked, still forming the trail.

Remembering what happened last night, I silently scooped up some snow, patted it into a ball, then chucked it at the back of Vinyl's head, yelling, "You fucking peed on me, that's what!"

"Hey!" Vinyl exclaimed, turning back to me as she used a hoof to wipe the snow off her cap. In response to that now riled expression she was giving me, I stretched my arms out and silently dared her to try something.

She did something all right, something that caught me off guard because of how confused I was by it. Sticking her tongue out the side of her mouth, Vinyl lowered her front half, then wiggled her rear end for a moment before jumping forward into the air, pouncing into me and knocking me flat on my back. Luckily, Vinyl had aimed it so that the snow would cushion my fall.

"Hah!" Vinyl shouted in victory, looking smugly down at me as she stood atop my chest.

Regaining my senses, I smirked before quickly shoving her off, then immediately rose to my feet. After hastily making a snowball, I pulled my arm back and aimed it at Vinyl. I didn't get to throw it however, because it was then that I noticed that she had used her magic to pick up clumps of snow around me, then compressed them into perfect spheres.

With wide eyes, I dropped my snowball, then raised my arms up defensibly. My famous last words were, "Strike me down and I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagi--"

Huh, so this is what it feels like to be a snowman...

Half an hour later, after being buried alive under a ton of snow, Vinyl and I were in the fast-food joint, sitting at one of its tables as we happily ate our food, all the while surrounded by the sound of ponies conversing around us and haypatties sizzling after being flipped. Vinyl had ordered a cheese hayburger while--seeing that this placed lacked a menu for carnivores--I had asked for the same, only I requested that they replace the haypattie with avocado slices. Oh, and no pickles. I swear, if I take a few more bites and find the evil taste of pickle in my mouth, I will yank this table off its bolts just so I can flip it in a blind rage!

Taking a sip from my soda, I nearly jumped when I felt someone tapping the back of my shoulder. Turning in my seat, I was pleasantly surprised by who it was, standing behind me with one of those weird harnesses ponies here wear that are designed simply to hold the trays for them.

"Sora!" I announced with a little too much excitement in my voice, causing the light-blue pegasus to react by taking a step back.

"Hey Maurice," she greeted with a small wave of her hoof. "Mind if I take a seat?"

"Not at all," I answered, smiling and shaking my head, gesturing at the empty seat across from Vinyl. "Please, help yourself."

"Thanks," Sora said, moving over to the seat and planting her butt on it. Once the harness thing she was wearing planted her tray flat on the table, she then turned to me and asked, "So what brings you here?"

Right when I was about to answer her, I was cut off when Vinyl said around a mouthful of burger, "Fuud, duh."

"Heh-heh," I sounded, smiling nervously at Sora for Vinyl's blunt subtlety. "Um...I don't think you two have met before. Sora, this is Vi--"

"Vinyl Scratch," Sora finished for me, leaving me speechless. "She's one of Equestria's most popular DJs, so it's kinda hard not to know who she is." Sporting a sly smile, Sora nudged my elbow a few times. "Maurice...I didn't know you were dating a low tier celebrity."

Upon hearing that, Vinyl sputtered, dropping her burger from her magic as her eyes went wide, coughing as she beat at her chest with a hoof, possibly choking! Acting fast, I slammed my palm against her back. My quick thinking seemed to work, as Vinyl's coughing had ceased.

"Thanks," she uttered in a (pfft) 'hoarse' voice. After using her magic to yank my soda out of my hand to take a drink from it, (seriously Vinyl, you should have gotten your own...), she cleared her throat before facing Sora. "What do you mean 'low tier'?! I'm mid or higher at best! Oh...and I'm not his marefriend; we just did it that one ti--"

Reacting quickly, I held her mouth shut with my hand, then nervously chuckled before saying, "Heh heh...c-careful there, Vinyl... You shouldn't be talking so soon after nearly choking." I then leaned into her ear and whispered, "What's wrong with you?! Don't go around telling people that we did it!"

I saw her brow raise in what seemed like confusion and deciphered what she mumbled into my hand as 'Why?'

"What do you mean 'why?'" I replied in a tense whisper. "Just don't, alright? Can you do that for me?"

After Vinyl gave me a strange look for a while, I released her mouth just as soon as she nodded. Turning back to Sora, I coughed into my hand, then finished with, "What she means to say is that she's not my marefriend, she's just one of my roommates. It's uh...it's the other one I'm dating."

"Y-Yeah," Vinyl added in what sounded like a disheartened yet annoyed tone, her ears flattening as she turned back to Sora, "what he said..."

Pulling her head back, Sora examined Vinyl top to bottom, then turned to me and said, "Wait, so you're a stallion living with two mares?" Once I nodded, Sora slowly shook her head, her smirk bordering on evil. "Oooh, Maurice... Maurice, Maurice, Maurice... Heh, you know, my moms often warned me of stallions who would move in with pretty young mares, just waiting for them to hit estrus."

Putting down the soda that I was sipping, I gave Sora a confused look before saying, "I'm sorry, I think I misheard you. Did you just say 'moms'? Like, plural? Meaning more than one?"

Sharing the same look that I was giving her, Sora nodded, her voice puzzled. "Yeah...moms... Why, is there something wrong wi--"

Raising my hands up to chest level, I shook them and my head as I cut her off with, "No no no! That's great, having two moms I mean. I...its, um... I understand...you know, 'cause of the guy to female uh...r-ratio..." I should just stop now before I accidentally offend her. Not wanting to do that, I coughed into my hand and decide to change the subject with, "So uh...estrus? What's that?"

Chuckling, Sora stared at me as if waiting for me to break out in laughter as well. But, once it became clear to her that I wasn't laughing, her laughter slowed to a stop before she tilted her head, her expression baffled. "Wait, seriously? You really don't know?" After I shook my head, Sora turned accusingly to Vinyl, saying, "You never told him?"

Pulling her head back, Vinyl raised her front hooves in a defensive manner. "Why are you looking at me for?! I thought he knew already! I mean, isn't that common knowledge?!"

Butting in, I then asked, "Can someone tell me already what the hell estrus is?!" In response to my sudden outburst, both mares shushed me.

"Not so loud!" Sora exclaimed with a wingtip near her lips, scanning around. "You don't want any foals to hear."

"Yeah Maurice, think of the foals," Vinyl added.

Confused and annoyed, I looked from Vinyl to Sora as I said in a quieter volume, "Ok Helen Lovejoy, Sora, what is it? What's estrus? Is it some sort of seasoning? Kinda sounds like a christian rock band to me."

"It's not a rock band or seasoning," Sora answered with a roll of her eyes. "It's...it's when..." Rubbing the back of her head with a hoof, she blushed as she smiled nervously at me, seeming to have difficulty explaining. "Aw geez; never thought I'd ever have to explain this to an adult... It's basically when--"

"Oh for the love of--it's when mares get super horny and really want to fuck, alright!" Vinyl unceremoniously finished for Sora, saying it just loud enough for only our little trifecta to hear.

"What?" I asked in a puzzled tone, hoping for confirmation in case I had heard her wrong. Seconds later, a thought occurred to me. "Wait... Are you talking about heat? Ponies can go into heat?"

Sora nodded. "Well, heat's another name for it, but yeah. It's kind of an evolutionary trait we inherited from our ancient nomad ancestors back when their foals had to be born in a more preferable time of year." Releasing an amused yet nervous huff, Sora continued with, "Oh boy, Maurice, let me tell you: estrus is br-u-tal; despite the fact that us ponies have been controlling the weather and seasons for countless generations, we've only evolved so far to the point where every mare of sexual age will still get estrus once a year, but at separate times instead of all at once."

"Well that doesn't sound so bad. So you get more hornier than usual," I shrugged, "big deal. I doubt you mares ever had the misfortune of being called in class to write down the answer on the whiteboard in front of everyone when you were sitting at your desk trying to hide your boner..."

Turning to me, then sporting a shit-eating smirk, Vinyl raised a brow as she asked, "You got boners in class?"

"Not on purpose!" I shot back, soon lowering my gaze to the table in defeat. "You let your mind wander as a guy and things just kinda happen..."

Vinyl's chuckling was soon interrupted by Sora.

"I'm serious, Maurice; estrus is no joke. It doesn't just make us 'hornier than usual', it jump-starts our sex-drives to ridiculous levels! It's like...it's like having an itch that you try to ignore but only gets itchier as time goes by! Picture that, but rigged to our libidos and much, much worse. If we don't uh, 'take care of it' soon, it builds up to a point where mares just can't take it anymore, causing them to do things they wouldn't normally do in order to get with a buck. Heck, some of us even go violent; stallions have ended up in hospitals because they've been rutted so hard!"

Upon hearing that, my face went neutral with only my eyes widening in horror as the image of skeletons with crushed pelvises giving thumbs-ups had flashed through my mind.

"Death by snu snu..." I silently uttered.

"Luckily," Sora continued, causing me to refocus on her "we have ways of dealing with estrus. Some mares just lock themselves in their homes with busy-work, waiting for their cycle to end, while others will simply take these over-the-counter tablets that suppress their estrus symptoms." Smiling towards the ceiling, Sora then said, "Thank the blue skies for Repressenol, otherwise my estrus cycle might have made me 'do-the-do' with," both her body and her face cringing, she finished with, "Pierre..."

Dammit, Sora! He's sponge-worthy! Canonize my ship! I mentally yelled at her, eyes borrowing into her as I tried to awaken any latent telepathic powers I hope I might have in an attempt to subconsciously influence her.

"Oh, hey," Vinyl chirped. "Repressenol, that's the brand Octy uses!"

Looking to Vinyl, Sora nodded. "It's a good brand. Reliable. Is that what you used the last time your estrus cycle rolled in?"

Vinyl shook her head before answering her. "Nah, I was supposed to have it a week or two ago," I noticed her eyes momentarily look at me from the side before returning to Sora, "but I took care of it in advance."

"Hmm, lucky you," Sora said in envy, crossing her hooves over her chest.

Getting what Vinyl was implying, I let them continue their conversation while I took more bites out of my burger, making myself appear too busy eating at the moment to join in.

"I'm home," Tavi announced as she walked through the front door, wearing a wool cap and scarf matching her eye color. She had been out much longer than I had expected, as it had recently gotten dark outside.

"Yo, welcome back!" I greeted from atop the living room couch, still garbed in my new winter clothes despite being indoors, surrounded by crumpled wads of paper that had failed story ideas written in them. Picking up a greasy burger bag from besides me and raising it up, I then eagerly said, "Vinyl and I were at the burger place earlier and I thought ya might like one!" My smile faltered. "Heh...sorry if it's a little cold."

"Well that's sweet of you," she said, removing her scarf and cap as she hung them on the coat rack by the door. After walking over to me and eyeing the bag in my hand then my eyes, Tavi gave a smile that refortified my own.

"What?" I eventually asked with a grin, wondering if there was something funny on my face.

"Oh nothing...nothing at all," Tavi said with a smile and small shake of her head. She then leaned forward and accepted the bag with her mouth before taking it to the kitchen.

Seeing that she was opening the oven and taking steps to reheat the burger, I then asked, "So uh...what took you so long?"

"Hmm?" Tavi sounded, turning to me. "Oh, forgive me, Maurice. After having breakfast with Lyra and Bon Bon, we had a long conversation about this and that; you know, mare things that would probably bore a stallion like you. I simply lost track of time." She then moved her burger into the oven, happily humming a tune as she swayed her hips and tail.

Watching her do this in amusement, I became glad that whatever it was that they talked about had left her in such a good mood.

"Where is Vinyl, by the way?" Tavi soon asked, sticking her head out of the oven before closing it and turning it on.

Reviewing the latest story idea I had written in my notebook, I answered her. "In her room. She's working on something right now, wearing her headphones, so she's in no-talky mode right now."

"Ah," Tavi answered, the oven soon dinging. Placing the now warm burger on a plate, Tavi brought it over and sat on the couch next to me. After taking a bite, Tavi took the time to properly chew, then rested her head on my shoulder. "What's that you have there?"

Scratching her ear, resulting in her cooing into mine, I said, "This? Just trying to write a story that you and Vinyl would like. It's really hard through, trying come up with an original premise; I'm being plagued by Simpsons-did-it syndrome."

Her cooing ceasing, Tavi grimaced in confusion. "Sim--what syndrome? Is this some human disease or something?"

I gave an amused huff. "No, it's not a disease. It basically means--" I was interrupted by a knock at the front door.

"A visitor? At this hour?" Tavi questioned before getting up and moving for the door. Out of curiosity to see who it was, I got up and followed her. "Yes, can we help you?" Tavi asked as she opened the door, only for the both of us to be surprised by who was behind it.

"Good evening, Octavia," greeted Ledger, Tavi's not-brother from last night. Looking over him, I spotted a fancy black stagecoach waiting in front of the house with two burly earth ponies attached to the front of it.

"Ledger?" Tavi questioned. "What are you still doing in Ponyville? I thought you told me last night that you would return to Canterlot in the morning."

"I was, but as I was returning, I couldn't help but feel like I had made a bad first impression for our reunion, and your," after his eyes quickly looked up to mine, he smiled tensely at Tavi before finishing with, "stallion..."

Sighing, I shook my head. "No uh...it's fine, man. I wasn't offended if that's what you're worried about."

Ledger raised a hoof and shook his head. "Well that may be fine with you, but it certainly isn't with me." He then gestured at Tavi. "Dear Octavia here has chosen you and I must respect her decisions; she's no longer the little filly I held so near and dear." I noticed Tavi nerviously look away and shuffle her hooves when she said that. "So, in order to make it up to the both of you, I cordially invite you two, and anypony else you wish to bring along, to Canterlot this weekend where I will give you all my full hospitality."

"Canterlot?" Tavi repeated. "You don't mean...?"

"That's right, Octavia. You have been away from home for a while, so why not return, at least for a little bit. Return to the villa...."

Author's Note

Here's my patreon. Come on guys, I'd really like to go to my first ever convention. Babscon.

The Return

"Are you ok, Maurice? You've been terribly quiet."

I sighed before responding, still looking out the window. "Nah, I'm...I'm good. Just uh," I shrugged, "just a little antsy I guess."

"If you're nervous about meeting my family, don't be; other than Ledger, there'll probably be one or two relatives at the estate. In fact, if this helps calm your nerves, and if memory serves correctly, my own father shouldn't be present." Despite trying to sound positive, I still managed to pick up small hints of doubt in her voice.

Pressing my forehead against the window's cool glass, I made an amused sigh. "Well, sounds alot tamer than one of those Apple family reunions I keep hearing about, so I'll admit that that is a bit of a relief to me. Still, for the one's who will be there, do you think they'll like me," I rolled my eyes, "aaand hopefully not freak out when I meet them?"

She release a cleansing sigh before responding. "Maurice, word in Canterlot has long since circulated that you've spent some time in the castle and are somewhat familiar with the princesses, so they had to have heard of you at some point."

"But...but how do you think they'll react when they realize that this creature they've been hearing rumors of is dating you, their relative?" I asked before turning to her. "Have you considered that, Tavi?"

Tavi, little pet name I call her by, and short for Octavia; she's what they called in this world, a pony. Basically they're aliens that look alot like horses from my world, and reside in this otherworldly land called Equestria. Oh, and apparently these ponies come in four flavors: earth ponies, unicorns, pegasi, and alicorns--earth pony being what Tavi was. Also, did I mention that she's my girlfriend?

Actually, I shouldn't be calling them the aliens, because that description would be more accurately used on myself. You see, if it wasn't obvious by now, I'm not exactly from here. Now I'm not saying that I'm from some neighboring country or something like that--no no, 'cause you see, I'm not even from this planet...dimension--wherever it is I am! I'm just a regular ol', run of the mill human from the planet Earth who got zapped to this world with nothing but the clothes on my back and my charming personality.

"Yes, I've considered how my family would react to me introducing you to them as my coltfriend," Tavi said, adopting a weak smile before continuing. "But...I...I like to think that their characters are much more refined than some of those loathsome nobles that I've had the misfortune of crossing paths with back when I lived in the capital, so they'll surely be cordial and gracious hosts. And besides," she said, gesturing at the other ponies in the car, "not everypony is wary of you."

Scanning around the area, I immediately deduced which of the dozen or so passengers were Ponyville townsfolk visiting Canterlot like we are, and which ones lived there. I could easily tell them apart because the ones from Ponyville weren't afraid to sit closer to me, paying me no mind as they casually read from a paper or talked with friends, while the ponies from Canterlot I could identify as the ones who had purposely sat a good distance away from me, keeping their unblinking eyes forward and occasionally faking a cough or pretending to drop something so they could pick it up in order to sneak a glance at me.

It was these Canterlot ponies that I had taken into consideration when I chose to sit near the back, trying to look as non-threatening as possible. Still, despite the odd look they gave me every now and then, I was at least spending this train ride seated beside pleasant company.

Laying across all three seats in the row across the aisle from Tavi and I, her shades over her eyes as she bumped her head to music from her headphones, was our roommate Vinyl, a white, no nonsense unicorn who's insanity is rivaled only by my own. Also, on a kinda unrelated note, we uh...we slept together once... (Don't ask, complicated story that I really don't want to go into detail.) Casually chatting in the row in front of us was Bon Bon and Lyra, friends that we had invited on this trip; Bon Bon was the cream colored earth pony with a dual-colored mane, and Lyra being a mint green unicorn...who's marbles probably aren't all there... Seriously, she claims to have met a human before, but I highly doubt that since I'm Equestria's first and only.

Crossing my arms and resting my head back against the seat, I closed my eyes as I then said, "I'm just gonna take a nap, mind waking me when we get there?"

"Well we still have a ways till Canterlot, so why not?" Tavi casually responded.

As I tried to sleep, I thought back to how it was that I ended up here in this world. About three or four months ago (I kinda lost track...),I was on Earth, just hanging out with some frien--wait a minute...have I done this before? I'm like, getting a serious case of déjà vu here...

...Great, I've gone and made myself paranoid.

No longer feeling the need to sleep, I opened my eyes and nearly jumped when I spotted Lyra staring at me, looking over her seat like a colossal titan, ready to tear down humanity's wall.

"Can I...help you?" I asked after awkwardly staring back at her.

Smiling, Lyra tilted her head a bit to the side. "No, not really. Bon Bon and I just wanted to thank you again for inviting us. We've been planning for a while to visit Canterlot, but we know how pricey hotels there can be, so we appreciate you letting us tag along."

"Oh, uh." Eyes still locked on Lyra, I gestured to Tavi sitting besides me. "Thank her, not me; it's her dad's place we're staying at after all."

Raising a hoof, Tavi waved it dismissively. "It's fine, no thanks are necessary." Looking away, she then muttered under her breath, "Anything to diminish the tension that's soon to come..."

"What was that last part?" Bon Bon asked, looking around her seat.

"Hmm? Oh, nothing, nothing at all," Tavi answered with a slow shake of her head.

Lyra and Bon Bon looked at one another, shrugged, then returned to their seats, Tavi's words gone unnoticed by them except for me. Turning to her, I saw that her gaze was fixated on the back of the seat in front of her, her hoof occasionally fiddling with her bowtie around her neck before anxiously running up and down the length of her seat's armrest.

Getting a little worried for her, I then asked, "You ok there, Tavi? You seem a little, I don't know, nervous."

Without even looking at me, she moved her hair to drape over her shoulder, then began to run her hooves through it. "Nervous? W-Why would I be nervous? Just because I've been away from home for quite some time and haven't sent a single letter to them during my absence, then suddenly show up again and introduce you, my non-pony coltfriend, to what little of my family might be there, you think that warrants for nervousness?"

Eyes scanning the ceiling, I rubbed the back of my neck. "Well geez, Tavi, when you say it like that...yes... Call me a little curious, and I know that you said that it was a long story that you didn't want to talk about, but why did you leave Canterlot in the first place, then cut off all contact with your family until now? I mean, you must have had a good reason."

"You're right," she answered, "it is a long story that I don't wish to go into detail, so all I'll say right now is that something happened that caused a decision to befall on me where I was forced to support one of two opposing family members. So, rather than picking a side and risk hurting the other, I ran off, ceasing all communications with them in the hopes that the entire situation might defuse on its own while I was gone." Her ears perking as she picked up my amused huff, Tavi turned to me in confusion. "What's so funny?"

"Well, Tavi," I said, baring a lighthearted smile, "it sounds to me like your family just had a fight; which is not surprising 'cause, you know, family argues. It's just one of those things that are bound to happen."

I thought that might cheer her up, but I was confused and surprised when she simply faced forward, saying in a low voice, "Oh if only it was an argument, Maurice... Things would be much simpler then..."

Frowning a bit at the sight of Tavi now twisting her hair, I scooched closer to her, wrapped an arm around her, then pulled her in for a sideways embrace, my efforts appearing to work as she seemed to calm down enough to the point where she removed her hooves from her mane.

"Tavi," I said, causing her to turn her head enough to look at me from the corner of her eye. "If you're this worked up, I can spend this whole trip elsewhere while you meet up with your family. I mean, you've been out of touch with them for so long, so I'd hate to be the cause of any bad blood between you and them. Hey, uh, Bon Bon?"

"Yeah?" Bon Bon asked, looking back from around her seat.

"Exactly how pricey do those hotel rooms go for?"

Turning fully so she could glare at me, Tavi boldly interrupted Bon Bon before she could answer. "You're not staying in a hotel. Like I said, there might be some relatives of mine there, but there's also the possibility that it'll just be Ledger." Lifting my arm off of her, she took my hand and held it in-between her hooves as she spoke. "You're my coltfriend, Maurice; I'd proudly declare that to whoever may be at the estate. And, on the off-chance that they disapprove, well...well its their loss really," she slowly ran a hoof down my cheek, "it just means that they won't have the chance to see how wonderful you truly are." After finishing that, her eyes widened a tad, almost as if she were surprised by what she said. Then, to my confusion, her expression eased as she said, "Thank you for that, Maurice."

"Heh, thanks for what?" I asked with a small smile, my head curiously cocked to the side.

Releasing my hand, Tavi faced forward and rested more comfortably in her seat. "For giving me some much needed assurance."

Resting back in my own chair, I placed my hands behind my head, leaned back, then stared at the car's ceiling. "Well uh...you're welcome for that, I guess."

"Still," Tavi added moments later, "just to be on the safe side, let's spend the day in the city before heading for the estate. We can peruse some establishments in the meantime."

Turning to her, I slyly grinned as I said, "You just want to stall until the last second, don't cha?"

"Was I really not that subtle?" she answered without missing a beat.

"Well this is possibly the first and last time I go anywhere with you for a while, Maurice," Tavi said as she, Lyra and Bon Bon were looking at some dresses.

After the train had finally made it to Canterlot, we hopped off it, hired a courier to take our stuff to Tavi's dad's place, then made for the shopping district where we were now in one of the city's many boutiques. The interior of this establishment appeared to be coated in marble and mannequins dressed in fancy looking garments were spaced around the store, displaying what they had in stock. Meanwhile, as the girls were busily browsing around, I was sitting atop one of the store's benches, bored out of my mind as I waited for them to finish, and, looking around, I could see that I wasn't alone in this endeavor, as I could spot other equally uninterested stallions in the store, all waiting on their friends or significant others as well.

Getting a bit sleepy-eyed from boredom, I sat in a manner similar to The Thinker statue and tiredly replied with, "Why, what'd I do?"

"Oh you know very well what you did," Tavi answered before pulling her head back in surprise after flipping one of the dresses's tags in order to get a look at the price.

I grinned into my knuckles. "Mmm, you're gonna have to be more specific; I've done a lot of things after we got off the train..."

Tavi moved on to another dress and began inspecting that one. "I'm referring to what you did at the train platform--in front of that advertisement encouraging ponies to visit Manehatten, the one displaying an image of the Statue of Friendship."

I knew perfectly well what incident she was talking about, but, seeing that I'm bored, I decided to tease her. "Oh yeah... I remember the ad, but not doing anything wrong..."

"Oh please," Tavi shot back with a roll of her eyes. "You got on your hands and knees before it, then yelled to the high heavens 'You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you all to hell!'"

I began chuckling in response to Tavi's little reenactment. Still, that statue kind of support's Twilight's theory about the worlds influencing each other, so it kind of makes me wonder which one came first. The one on Earth? The one here? Or perhaps some third party world? Deciding to leave that question for a smarter man than myself, I skimmed my eyes to the side and spotted Vinyl seated beside me, sitting in a posture resembling my own.

"And why aren't you fawning over the dresses like with the others?" I curiously asked Vinyl, lazily nudging her with an elbow.

"Eh," Vinyl dully answered with a small shrug. "They're just really expensive frou-frou dresses, nothing to get excited about. I'd rather spend that many bits on that cool bed we saw a while back. The uh...the mark seven something or other. Hey, Octy?" She made a quick, light whistle towards Tavi. "Yoo-hoo."

"Yes?" Tavi answered, not even looking back at us as she ran her hoof over the fabric of one of the dresses.

"Are you gonna buy anything or not? 'Cause Maurice and I are falling into comas here!"

"It's true," I added with a nod, my eyelids getting heavier with each blink.

Tavi casually shook her head. "No, no we're not planning on buying anything; we're merely browsing."

Vinyl scratched the back of her head. "Well uh, when are you gonna be done 'browsing'?"

"Who knows? There's no rush; we do have all day, and many other stores like this to check out."

"Great," Vinyl said in feigned excitement, clapping her forehooves before rubbing them together as she turned to me. "Bail?"

Eyes half-open, I scanned the store one last time, then looked back to Vinyl and nodded. "Bail."

And at that, we both rose from the bench, then made for the exit, but not before I gave Tavi a little heads up.

"Yo, Tavi. Vinyl and I are ditching class, so you got an idea as to where we should meet up later?"

"That bored, hmm?" she remarked. "Fine, I'll spare you this time, so wait in front of this shopping plaza's fountain around eight. Understood?"

"Gotcha," I replied, giving her a quick peck on the forehead before exiting the store.

Stepping out the doors, I met up with Vinyl who was waiting patiently for me and noticed that the buildings' shadows around us were getting longer, hinting that the sun was about to set and that we had a couple hours to entertain ourselves with. Back when I kinda lived in Canterlot for a while, before I joined the program that set me up with my roommates, I had spent most of my time solely in the castle, so the city itself was uncharted waters to me.

"Any idea as to where we should go?" I asked Vinyl, recalling that both her and Tavi lived here prior to moving to Ponyville.

She shrugged. "Beats me. Let's go to a grocery store or something; gettin' kind of hungry."

Feeling a little famished myself, we turned down the corner of a street and entered the first convenience store we spotted. Inside, a few shoppers were quizzically staring at me from around aisles, all keeping their distance as Vinyl and I pulled some bags of chips off the store's shelves, then brought them over to the cash register, where a unicorn stallion wearing a striped vest with the store's logo embroidered onto it was reading a magazine behind the counter.

"Three bits each," the cashier unenthusiastically said, not bothering to raise his gaze off the magazine and snacks we placed on the counter before him.

"Shoot, my money's in my bag. Ya mind spotting me, Maurice?" Vinyl asked.

"Yeah, sure. No problem," I answered, reaching into my pocket.

"And while we're at it," Vinyl added, turning to the cashier as she used her magic to pull some items from around him before placing them on the counter. "I'd also like a pack of gum, three of these chocolate bars behind you, two strips of hay-jerky, a bag of trail mix, a packet of mini-doughnuts, some of these gummy worms, cheese crackers, one of those freshly made cookies you have behind the glass--taking this big one, this bag of pretzels, and, just because I don't wanna get fat, a diet soda." To the stallion's and my own confusion, Vinyl placed the items in a few bags, then carried them out the door as she said to me on the way out, "Ight, Maurice. Go ahead and pay the buck now."

Hand already outstretched, I was too late to voice my protest to her, as Vinyl had already exited the building, her tail being the last thing I saw of her before she left me holding the metaphorical bag. Facepalming as I sighed in defeat, I spoke around my hand.

"So uh...how much does that all total to?"

I didn't receive an answer, and removing my hand from my face, I could see why. The cashier's expression was one of shock, his attention diverted long enough from his magazine to finally notice me. Not wanting to freak this guy out anymore than I currently am, I planned to slam onto the counter whatever amount of bits I could muster in my hand, then bolt, but before I could do that, he spoke.

"Oh wow... You're him!" he said with alot less fear than I expected.

I pulled my head back a bit. "Excuse me? Um, him?"

Smiling, he raised a hoof and pointed at me. "You're that human thing--from Ponyville! The one giving all those tours!"

Hand on my chest, I relaxed a bit upon hearing that. "Oh, so that's where you... Yeah," I nodded, then pointed a thumb at my chest, "yeah that's me. So I take it you've visited there before?"

He shook his head. "No, never. I just know about you 'cause, well, you're kind of one of the reasons anypony even visits that place. Now don't get me wrong, it has to be a nice town if one of the princesses lives there an' all, but most ponies are interested in seeing or meeting a one of a kind, talking creature like yourself...eh, no offence intended."

"None taken," I replied with a casual and dismissive wave of my hand.

The stallion then gave me a wide and wholehearted grin. "Say uh, listen. If your presence alone brings in so many ponies, how would you feel doing a little endorsement for me, hmm? Nothing fancy, just take a picture with me in front of the store and write a little something nice about the place; I'd even throw in all those things your friend took, free of charge. So what do you say, yes? Alot of ponies would want in on this kind of deal."

Hmm, well...feeling around in my pocket and guestimating that the amount of bits I have on me won't be enough to cover all those snacks, I guess I could do it. Seconds later, my mouth formed into a grin, which grew and grew more mischievous by the second.

"You got yourself a deal! And uh...alot of ponies, you said?"

I'm Maurice the human, and this is my favorite bar in Canterlot~

After finishing scribbling that on the bottom of the picture showing me and the owner standing in front of his bar, I handed it to him, and much to his delight, he tucked it away before placing two mugs full of cider--both on the house of course--onto the counter before Vinyl and I.

"We got to do this kind of thing more often," Vinyl said, sitting atop the stool beside me as she violently ripped a piece of hay-jerky loose, chewing loudly and contently while occasionally licking at her chocolate-stained muzzle before taking a hearty swig from her cider.

Popping a pretzel in my mouth, I drowned it with cider, making it a bit soggy before I began to chew. Swallowing, I began nursing my wrist as I rotated my overworked writing hand. "I don't know, Vinyl. I've endorsed enough today, and we've got plenty of snacks now anyways!" I gestured at two garbage bags beneath us, both chalked to the brim with junk food.

Vinyl gave a quick nod. "True, and we've made off with a freaking dragon hoard of goodies; I swear, it's like Nightmare Night!"

Taking the time to finish my cider with one last upward chug, I set the mug down, wiped my mouth with my arm, then rose from my seat before making for the front door.

"And where are you going?" Vinyl asked in a curious tone, swiveling atop the stool.

Hand on the door, I turned back to her. "Out. There's something I'd like to take care of since we're in Canterlot and all. Just sit tight and I'll be back soon."

With Vinyl shrugging before turning back to the counter to sip from her own mug, I opened the door and stepped out, the cool air and star-filled night sky greeting me as I made for my destination. After a few minutes of walking down the lamp-lit, desolate streets, I had reached my goal, as I now stood before the entrance to the castle. Standing at both sides of the gate to the monolithic and almost Disney-esque designed castle, were two sentries, both able-bodied bat ponies adorned in ebony armor. Seeing that it recently became night, they had obviously taken over these posts from their golden-clad counterparts an hour or two ago.

As I walked past the entrance and into the courtyard, the guards made no attempt to stop me, their postures as still and stoic as statues as the allowed me through; they obviously remembered who I was, so they didn't bother asking for my identity. Making it into the castle itself, I walked down the well-lit halls, passed by more guards and some of the night staff until I reached a familiar and nostalgic door.

Placing my hand on the handle and finding it to be unlocked, I opened it, reached into the abyss, then fumbled along the door's side until I found the light switch. Flipping it onto the 'on' position activated the ceiling light in the room, revealing it to be my old guestroom. Stepping in and closing the door behind me, I walked towards the center and scanned around, finding everything to be just how I had left it; the bed unmade, the trash bin filled with discarded snack wrappers and empty chip bags, and a few crumpled papers that I had half-assedly doodled into were strewn about.

Done with my visit down memory lane, I laid myself face-first onto the ground, reached my arm into the space under the bed, then proceeded to blindly feel around, my face cringing in disgust from all the grime and dust-bunnies. Right when I was about to lose hope, my fingers made contact with something thin and made of hard plastic. Grasping it, I retracted my hand from under the bed and discovered the item to be a pair of reading glasses, the thing I had come here to retrieve.

"I knew they had to be here," I muttered to myself, sitting on my knees as I inspected them. Condition-wise they were fine, but the lenses were coated in a thin layer of brown dust, making them impossible to see through; I'd have to run these under a sink before putting them on. These glasses were in my pocket when I was zapped here and one of the few things from home that I owned, so I was a little disheartened when I failed to find them in my luggage after moving in with Tavi and Vinyl. I wasn't exactly blind and didn't really need them, but hey, they make me feel smarter when I wear them.

After blowing some excess dust off the glasses, I folded them, then made to rise onto my feet, only to become started when I heard a familiar yet motherly voice coming from behind.

"They informed me that you were in the castle..."

"Jesus!" I yelled in shock and surprise, hand above my rapidly beating heart as I frantically turned around. "Fuck, Celestia, knock on the door or something when you come in! I could have been wanking in here for all you know!"

Celestia, the radiant ruler and goddess of this land smirked before chuckling into her golden-clad hoof. "Apologies, Maurice, but in my defense, I wasn't even aware you had returned to the capital." She leaned forward with a curious brow on her expression, forcing me to lean back a bit as she looked me over from top to bottom. "What are you doing up here in Canterlot, by the way? Not that it's not great to see you again, but shouldn't you be in Ponyville?"

In response, I raised my open palm inches away from her face, then moved it near her, eliciting her to crane her neck back and give me some space. Once I had it, I slid my glasses into my pocket before answering her.

"I didn't run away if that's what you're asking. I'm uh...kinda on a little vacation here with my roommates."

Backing up to sit on the bed, I took the time to update Celestia on my new life in Ponyville, and she was more than eager to hear. I told her of my wacky yet fun life with Vinyl and Tavi, my job, friends I made like my co-workers as well as Ditzy and her daughter, Twilight's unnecessarily thorough checkups she gives me, and that I was now dating Tavi, but, I had chosen to leave some things out, like my encounter with Highground and Speaskeasy (both of which I haven't seen since forever ago, so I consider those bridges crossed), and, for obvious reasons, the fact that I had slept with Vinyl...

"Well I'm glad to hear that the program worked out for you then," Celestia said as she rose from the floor, where she had been laying on while listening.

Getting up as well, I nodded. "Yeah, for once, things are going great for me. What about you, Celestia? What have you been up to?"

"Oh, other than boring old paperwork, nothing much," she said as she walked over to the window, staring out into the night sky. "Right now, I'm just putting up the finishing touches for the Gala. The deadline is in a few days, but with Twilight helping me organize it, we should be finished just in time." She turned back to me with a small smile on her muzzle. "Secretly, I'm hoping that something unexpected happens. Something wild. So, I might have sent an invite to someone who might tip the odds in that favor."

"Heh, well good luck with that," I said as I headed for the door.

"Maurice," Celestia said as my hand hovered above the handle.

I turned back to her. "Yeah?"

Looking up towards the moon, Celestia continued. "Since you're here, why not drop by on Luna as well. She's holding night court right now in the throne room, so she could probably use a little company. Just try not to be too much of a distraction, as Luna has been taking her duties very seriously as of late."

Opening the door, I nodded back to her before exiting into the hallway, then made for the throne room. Walking down the corridors and taking a few turns, an elaborate set of humongous double doors leading into the throne room eventually came into my vision. As I approached, I saw that it was open by a crack, spotting flashing lights and a guard that was peeking out from it, which I thought was strange because normally there would be two positioned outside the door. Stranger still, the guard's eye widened in surprise as it focused on me before frantically slamming the door shut with an audible boom.

Confused yet undeterred, I opened the heavy door and curiously stuck my head through the opening, finding the wide throne room illuminated by strong moonlight shining through the ceramic windows and eight or so bat pony guards present. The guards were facing forward, but for some reason, they were all looking at me with tense eyes; another odd thing I detected was that some of them were lacking their helmets, which I'm pretty sure they were required to wear while on duty.

Curious by the empty throne, and wondering where Luna was, I stepped in, closed the door behind me, then decided to ask the guard beside the door, who happened to be a mare wearing her navy blue hair in a ponytail.

"So uh...where's Luna?"

"Here! I'm here!" Luna announced just as the mare opened her mouth, stepping out of a room besides the throne; her ethereal mane looked a little disheveled, and she appeared to be removing a black scrunchy from from it. "Apologies," she said, trying to fix her hair as she moved to sit atop the throne. "I was preoccupied with..." Luna became silent when she finally faced forward, her mouth soon forming a lively grin when she saw that the visitor was me. "Everypony, at ease. It's safe to resume where we had left off."

Once she said that, almost all of the guards in the room released a simultaneous sigh of relief before walking towards the center of the room, save for the mare by the door who instead began peeking outside it again. Once they had formed a semi circle, Luna used her magic to levitate a black, box-shaped gem and things resembling arcade sticks out of the room she had emerged from and placed them before the guards. After a few seconds of watching them hook these items together, I was baffled when a magical screen materialized before them, showing what looked like a paused game of Street Fighter, only with ponies instead of humans.

"There, everything is set up again," Luna said, using the scrunchy to tie her hair back into a ponytail before declaring, "Let the tournament continue!"

Almost as if she had waved a checkered flag, one of the two guards holding the arcade sticks unpaused the game before inputting a series of button combinations, ordering his in-game character to start beating the snot out of the other one.

Stepping around the whooping and hollering ponies, I stood before Luna, then pointed a thumb back at the guards before saying in a confused tone, "Uh...what's going on?"

Luna raised a brow at me. "What does it look like? It's a gaming tournament of course! Winner at the end of the bracket receives the honor of challenging me to a match; I prefer worthy opponents, not noobs."

"Wow uh." I scratched my head in bewilderment before muttering, "You're uh...talking like a normal person..."

Crossing her forelegs over her chest, Luna rolled her eyes, saying in an exasperated tone, "Oh not this again...you've already told me the first time..."

"First time?" I repeated, wincing in confusion before shaking my head in an attempt to get back on track. "What's going on here? Celestia told me that you were busy, and that you were taking your duties very seriously with 'night court'." I said that last part using air quotes, then gestured up and down at the ponies behind me, all huddled up in front of the magic screen.

"Hmm, night court," Luna uttered in disdain as she rolled her eyes. "No pony ever shows up to that. So, rather than stand around here for hours on end until somepony actually does, I decided to entertain myself during this time with my equally bored guardsponies here by hosting several of these tournaments."

"Huh," I sounded as I turned back to screen, then back to Luna. "But where did you get a game like that? The last time I checked, Equestria's games were like, in the eight-bit era. That there is way too advanced."

Moving to lay on her side, Luna supported her head atop her hoof as she smirked at me. "Normally, you'd be right, but I used a spell to copy that game, and a few others, from a very reliable source, made a few alterations to it so that simpler ponies can enjoy, then uploaded the magical equivalent of their programs into that black image projector gem the guards are currently using."

Not trying to think on it too much since magic is apparently involved, I merely nodded before something occurred to me moments later.

"Wait, what source?" I asked. "Where can you get something like that? And why does it look alot like this one game from Earth?"

"Oh, let's just say that it originates from a place that you might be familiar with," Luna coyly said as she shrugged.

Feeling like she was trying to play some mind game with me, I decided not to fall for it by asking anymore questions and instead chose to fill her in on my life in Ponyville just like I had done so with Celestia earlier.

"My, sounds like you're adjusting just fine here," Luna said after I finished.

I shrugged. "I guess; other than a few little hiccups, things are going swell for me."

"Hiccups?" Luna questioned as she took on a curious yet worried tone. "Maurice, what are you implying by that? Is something wrong?"

Shit. I should have just lied and said that everything was fine, 'cause I really don't want to mention the two bridges I crossed. "Oh, um... No, just uh...y-you know... Sometimes...sometimes ponies give me this weird look and all--but it's fine... It's perfectly understandable to me."

"Hmm," Luna sounded, casting me a piercing, scrutinizing glare. "Well that sounds truthful, but I can't help but sense that there's more to it."

I shook my head. "What? No." Giving her a small, half-assed wave of my hand, I turned around. "Well uh, I got to go now. Great seeing you again."

"Wait," Luna spoke, stopping me in my tracks after I took one step. Turning my head back to her, I saw that she was looking at me with a sympathetic expression. Taking a calming breath, Luna turned her head towards one of the stained glass windows, her eyes focused on the bright circle that was the moon before she continued. "Maurice...I...I know that you feel like you're not worth troubling others with your problems, we're similar in that regard more than you know, so I--"

"How would you kno--"

"Not important," she interrupted back. "What I'm asking here, is that if there is a problem, you don't hesitate to come to me about it. Alright? So, I'll ask you this once before you leave: Is. Something. Wrong?"

I stared back at her, yet didn't answer, trying to keep my face calm and composed but was unable to prevent the occasional twitch of my cheek or corner of my mouth. A part of me wanted to tell her, but another part said to just let it go; Speakeasy and Highground were no longer a problem, heck, I haven't seen them in forever, and truthfully...I really didn't see myself as worth the time and worry of Luna...

"No," I said with a smile as I shook my head. "Nothing's wrong." I pointed a thumb back at the exit. "So uh...I got to go now."

"Hmm, very well." Luna said as she laid down on the throne's pillows. "I hope you have a wonderful weekend; and remember: my offer still stands if you wish to talk."

"Gotcha," I answered with a nod before making for the exit. "Laters."

As I was walking past the guards, I looked at the screen and watched as one of the characters lost the last bit of their life bar, the screen flashing 'K.O.' and some of the guards cheering as a result while one of them hung their head in defeat.

"Alright, alright, who's next?" asked the guard who won, holding one of the arcade sticks and looking around.

A guard looking at a sheet of paper showing a pencil-drawn bracket spoke up. "That would be uh...Stella."

"Shit," the winner said, his ears flattening as he sat back onto the floor.

"Did one of ya pussies mention moi?" the guard by the door--who I'm assuming is this Stella--said in what sounded like a Scottish accent as she walked towards the group. Looking at the guard who had lost the match, Stella pointed a hoof at him, saying, "Oi, you there, loser, get your fuckin' flanks over to the door, 'cause ya got lookout duty now."

After the defeated guard had the controller yanked out of his hooves, then pushed towards the door by Stella, she sat onto the floor and grinned maniacally at her opponent.

"On second thought," her opponent said, sounding intimated as he rose the arcade stick, "who'd like to take my turn? Hmm, anypony?"

"Oh, I'm sorry about yer kin's economic state, what with ya losing your family jewels and all," Stella quipped. Huffing in amusement, she placed her hoof on her opponent's shoulder and shook him. "Oh come on! I'll even make this a little interesting! I win, and you treat me to a free round at the tavern for a week!"

His expression puzzled, the other guard tilted his head to the side. "And what would I get if I win?"

"Pfft, fat chance of that happening." Stella shrugged. "I don't know; I wager me godly flanks or somethin'."

"Hmm, those flanks are indeed godly," Luna added, angling her head to look at said flanks from the throne.

Thinking that I've stayed long enough, and wondering if she was wagering sex or literally her ass, I exited of the throne room and walked out of the castle, making my back to the bar so Vinyl and I could meet up with Tavi and the others.

"Well...here it is," Tavi said, standing before an ornate wrought iron gate, Lyra, Bon Bon and I gawking at what was at the other side of it.

There was a large, and I mean large yard, almost football field sized, with a lush and green lawn that had a few palm trees and other tropical looking plants growing out of it. The earth red tiles before the gate parted through the grass, split a third of the distance in order to make room for a reflecting pool, rejoined, then ended in front of a large, two story mansion that was almost entirely green because of the leaves and vines covering its walls, sparing only the front doors and windows; if I squinted a bit, I could kind of see some of its uncovered sections, making out that the house was painted bright yellow beneath all that shrubbery.

"Wow...it's so...big," Bon Bon eventually said, breaking the silence that had built up.

Too awestruck to say 'That's what she said', I turned to Tavi and said, "Um...how are we gonna get in?" I grabbed one of the gate's bars and gave it a little shake. "It's locked."

"Not to worry," Tavi said, shaking her head with an amused huff. Walking over to one of the gate's columns, Tavi pushed a button on it that I didn't even see.

"Yes?" said an older male's voice coming from a speaker built into the column that I also failed to notice. "Who is it?"

Smiling, Tavi neared her muzzle to the column and answered with, "It's me, Valet. Octavia."

The voice immediately responded, excitement underlined in his voice. "Oh! Apologies for the inconvenience, Mistress Octavia! I'll have it open right away!" I soon heard a loud buzz and the sound of the gate unlocking before they swung open on their own. "Welcome home, Mistress!"

"Thank you, Valet," Tavi replied before she and Vinyl walked down the path, the rest of us following.

After taking the minute or two of walking down the pathway, we eventually made it to the front steps of the house, where a unicorn stallion in a butler uniform waited for us, standing in front of a lined up row of eight or so maids, all different races, ages, and colors of the pony rainbow, bowing their heads respectfully. The lead stallion, if I had to guess by appearance, was in his late forties or early fifties, had a rust colored coat, blue eyes, gray, wavy mane that was getting white on the sides, a graying goatee, and had a cutie mark depicting one of those servant bells.

"Valet!" Tavi exclaimed as she ran up the steps, embracing the older stallion a hug.

"Mistress!" Valet called back, returning the gesture. "Master Ledger said that you would be arriving soon!" Ending the hug, the stallion pulled back, keeping his hooves on her shoulders. "Where have you been for these past few months, child? You had everypony here, and more importantly, me, worried!"

Her smile becoming sheepish, Tavi eyed the floor. "I'm sorry about that, Valet, and I'll explain later, but first, did you get our luggage?"

"Of course!" Valet answered. "I was a bit concerned when it arrived here without you, but I had I still had the girls bring them up to your room."

"Much appreciated, Valet," Tavi thanked.

"Yo, sup Valet," Vinyl greeted with a nod after walking up the short steps.

"Ah Vinyl... Vinyl, Vinyl, Vinyl," Valet nearly singsonged as he unhanded--uh, unhoofed Tavi, moving over to Vinyl with a contained smile on his lips. "I'd be lying if I said I missed you..."

Placing a hoof over her chest, Vinyl spoke in mock disappointment. "Aw, Valet baby, I'm hurt."

Rolling his eyes with an amused huff, Valet looked over Vinyl's shoulder, spotting Lyra, Bon Bon and I standing at the foot of the steps. "Well don't be shy you three; any friend of Mistress Octavia is more than welcome here."

Taking that as our queue, the three of us climbed the steps and stood before the butler, his chest puffed out proudly as his eyes inspected us. After Tavi introduced Bon Bon to Valet as her friend from Ponyville who owned a sweet shop there, and Lyra as her other friend who freeloaded off of Bon Bon--a statement that Bon Bon confirmed and Lyra denied--she then gestured a hoof at me.

"And this is Maurice, my other roommate and...and coltfriend..."

"Um, hi," I meekly greeted, holding a hand out to the older stallion.

"Pleasure to meet you," Valet said, placing a hoof in my hand and giving it a small shake. "I hope that you're treating the Mistress well."

Huh, well this is a nice change of pace; he doesn't seem fazed by the whole human thing.

"You can relax, Valet," Tavi added, standing besides me and nuzzling my side. "He is."

Seeming to be satisfied by that answer, Valet nodded before walking over to the front doors. "Well, it is getting late, and the air is starting to have a bit of a chill to it, so please, do come inside," he said, opening the door with his magic, then gestured into the interior. "The staff and I would be more than happy to fix you all up something to eat while you wait in the dinning room."

Accepting his offer, all of us walked in, stepping through the doors and entering a large marble foyer that had complementing furniture and dual staircases composed of white risers and black treads. Following Tavi as she walked into one of the side hallways, and Valet and the maids moving elsewhere, we soon stood before a pair of double doors crafted from polished wood.

"Alright everyone," Tavi said as she pushed the doors open, "just sit any...where..." She became silent when the doors fully opened, revealing three unicorns on the other side, sitting at the far end of a large dinning table; one of them I instantly recognized as Ledger, but the other two were young mares, both seemingly around Tavi's age. One was white with blue eyes and a black mane that resembled Tavi's, only her's was mid-length instead of long. The other's coat was black, shared the same blue eyes as the other, and had a white mane that also looked like Tavi's, except her's was short. Also, despite the black one's being white and the white one's being black, the two shared a similar looking cutie mark, both musical notes that I have no idea the name of.

"Well Octavia, welcome home," greeted Ledger, smiling as he rested his head atop his hoof.

As soon as he said that, the mares turned to the entrance, then bounded for Tavi. "Octavia!" they both exclaimed, colliding into her in a mad frenzy of hugs.

Tavi had difficulty speaking under the physical pressure the two were exerting on her. "Alto...Tenor...it's...it's great to see you two as well... Um, girls...a little leg room please..."

"Oh, sorry about that," the white one said as they both released her. "It's just been like, so long since we've seen you!"

The other then turned to the rest of us, pulling her head back in surprise as if she had just noticed us. "Oh, who are your friends? I mean, we know Vinyl already, but who are the other three?"

"Geez, I never get so much as a friendly hello here," Vinyl complained under her breath.

"Ah, of course. Proper introductions are in order after all," Tavi said as she turned back to us. "Everyone, these two are my cousins from my father's side, both twins. The white one is Alto and the black one is Tenor."

"Greetings," Alto said, giving us the pony version of a curtsy.

"Hello," Tenor added, mimicking the gesture.

After Lyra and Bon Bon introduced themselves to them, the twins stood before me, seeming to take special interest in me.

"Well well well," Alto said, circling around me. "So you're the human dating our cousin. What do you think, Tenor?"

"Hmm," Tenor sounded, circling me in the opposite direction of her sister. The sight of these two prowling around me like sharks intimidated me somewhat and had me playing the Jaws theme in my head. "I'll admit, he has an impressive stature and," she took a sniff, "nice scent, but how do you think he fares after hours?"

"Umm..." I uttered, taken back by their straightforwardness.

"Girls!" Tavi exclaimed, seeming to take offence at that comment.

"What?" Alto questioned, both sisters ceasing their circling. "You know we're only joking."

Tavi merely gave them a stern look with pursed lips before eventually speaking. "So...since you already know, I'm assuming Ledger told you two that he's my coltfriend..."

"Yup, pretty much," Tenor replied with a nod, prompting Tavi to turn her head enough to spot Ledger through the corner of her eye, causing him to shrink behind the table.

"Oh!" Alto said with a clap of her hooves, using her magic to pull Marchello seemingly out of nowhere (I'm assuming from behind the door), then placed it upright before Tavi. "We heard you outside, and since it's been so long since the last time we preformed together, we kind of ran up to your room and brought it down here."

Grinning, Tenor placed a hoof over Tavi's shoulder. "Yeah Octavia, what do you say? I'm sure your friends would like it while they wait for the food."

Standing upright and leaning on the cello for support, Tavi shook her head with a grin. "Heh, fine. But next time, girls, please don't go through my luggage."

Smiling, Alto rolled her eyes, saying, "You know, it was kinda in a big, hard to miss case."

"Semantics," Tavi casually replied as she accepted her bow being offered to her by Tenor's magic. "Vinyl, Lyra, Bon Bon, Maurice, would you all care for a seat?"

All of us soon seated around the dining table, Alto and Tenor moved to stand at both sides of Tavi and Marchello. "You still remember the lyrics, right?" Alto asked once they were in place.

Baring a smug smile, Tavi huffed in amusement before saying in a challenging tone, "Oh just try to keep up."

Seconds later, almost without warning, the three started singing, Tavi not running her bow over Marchello's strings until around ten seconds in. Tavi's cello playing was supported by the twins, who's lyrics started off in English, but then suddenly shifted towards what sounded like French. Despite not understanding the lyrics, I still greatly enjoyed the melody the three produced, trying my best to hum along with them.

Right when the song finally ended, all of us except for Vinyl applauded them, the three of them bowing their heads as we showed our approval. However, right when all of us stopped, I picked up the sound of someone still clapping.

"Well well, still as great as ever I see...my little Octavia," said a new male's voice, coming from somewhere in the dining room behind me.

Wondering where I've heard that voice before, I turned around and... What. The. Fuck...

"Shit...forgot about you," I heard Vinyl mutter as I looked back with wide unblinking eyes, staring at...at Speakeasy... The white, diamond-shaped spot atop his dark blue muzzle reminding me of who he was.

Smiling widely, he winked and clicked his tongue at me as he casually walked past me, giving me a glimpse at his cutie mark for the first time. It was one depicting the image of a silver drinking flask with a horseshoe insignia in the center of it.

"F-Father?" Tavi said as he stood before her, sounding unsure if it was him. "What, what are you doing here? I thought you were on tria--"

Placing his hoof atop her shoulder, Speakeasy wordlessly cut her off before answering with, "Nah, sweetie. What I'd tell ya? They were bound to realize that they got the wrong guy." He then pulled her into a quick hug, Tavi returning it as she buried her head in his shoulder. Soon pulling away from the embrace, Speakeasy then asked, "So how have things been going for you while I was gone? How's your mother?"

Genuinely smiling as she eyed the room, it took her a couple tries before locking onto his eyes. "Things are...things are going great! And...and as for mother...well..."

"Well what?" Speakeasy asked.

"Well, she's doing good, but the last time I saw her, she...kind of beat up my coltfriend Maurice in an alley... Um, Maurice? What are you doing?"

I didn't answer her, as my upper-half laid flat atop the table.

Oh my fucking god... They're both her parents...

Author's Note

Here's my patreon. Come on guys, I'd really like to go to my first ever convention. Babscon.

I'll Have A Chocolate Milk...On The Rocks

"Your dad is a fucking crime boss!" I exclaimed to Tavi as she was unpacking in her room, having just sat through one of the most awkward dinners I've ever had in my entire life.

"Hmm, what do you think?" Tavi replied in an easygoing manner, seeming to ignore my little outburst as she turned away from her open suitcase atop the bed and extended her hoof towards me that had two unfastened bow ties draped over it. "Which one should I wear tomorrow? The ebony colored one, or the obsidian?"

I narrowed my eyes at her in disbelief. "Didn't you hear me? I said that your dad's a crime boss! ...And they're both black!"

After gazing into my eyes with an expression that lacked any emotion, Tavi closed her eyes and shook her head as she turned back to her luggage, saying, "That's not true."

"Of course he is!" I objected. "He--"

Tavi cut me off with, "These bow ties obviously have different hues to them."

That almost made me yank the hairs off my head.

"This isn't about the bow ties, alright?!" I stated after making a disgruntled noise, eyes wide and hands still on my head with clumps of hair sticking out through my fingers. Lowering my hands, I held them up defensibly, then pointed both my pointer fingers towards the ceiling as I shut my eyes and looked away to compose myself. After taking a few breaths, I looked back to Tavi through the little goal post I was making with my fingers. "Tavi...maybe you haven't been hearing me well, and I don't want to alarm you, but... Your dad, yeah, he runs a crime syndicate. He's a crime boss, and he--"

"I know."

"And he...he..." Wait. What? "Wait. What?" My face contorted in confusion and disbelief as my arms fell limply to my sides. "You...you know?"

"Of course I know," she said with a nod before biting the suitcase's zipper and zipping it closed. Once she was done with that, Tavi turned back to me, baring a reassuring, yet concerned, smile. "My father might like to think that I don't know, but I always have. I am his daughter after all, I'd be an idiot not to notice."

Geez, I was so ready to support my argument that she's kinda taken the wind out of my sails.

"But, I...I... What a--what about your mom?"

"Mother? What about her?" she asked, curiously tilting her head to the side.

"Why didn't you say that she was Highground?"

In response to that, Tavi rolled her eyes with an amused scoff. "And what did you want me to say, hmm? 'Oh, Maurice, I'm so sorry that my mother kicked your flanks in an alley... By the way, are you still interested in dating me?'"

"Alright, alright, alright. Point taken." I said, waving my hands dismissively. "Still...your dad's a crime boss, and I don't want to be anywhere near him after he kidnapped me a few wee--"

"He kidnapped you?!" Tavi interrupted, pulling her head back in surprise. "When was this, and why didn't you say anything?!"

When did this turn into a game of interrogation pong?

"Hey," I said, hand on my chest, "I had no idea that he was your dad at the time, and the way he was talking about you kinda hinted that you were a member of his crime thing or whatever--and I didn't want to know if you were! Oh, and it happened weeks ago, like...the day after we started dating... He was telling me to break up with you..."

Tavi rolled her eyes in anger. "Oh, son of a...! He was out this entire time! I'm starting to believe that my chance encounter with Ledger in Ponyville wasn't a coincidence..."

Wait, is she more angry at that than the kidnapping and breaking up thing I just mentioned?

Right as I was about to say something, the door to the room glowed in a violet light, then opened on its own before Vinyl walked in, wearing her shades and bumping her head to music coming from her earphones as she ignored us and walked to the side of the room where the rest of the luggage was.

"Oh, perfect timing!" Tavi yelled to no one in particular, gesturing at Vinyl as she started searching through her duffle bag.

The volume of the music must have been low, because Vinyl lowered the earphones down to her neck, then turned to Tavi before curiously replying with, "Yeah?"

"Did you know that my father was no longer being tried?" Tavi asked.

"Eh, yes. Yes I did," she answered with a nod, not skipping a beat.

Tavi narrowed her eyes angrily at her. "And you didn't care to share this information with me because...?"

"Whoa-ho, don't look at me like that," Vinyl said, raising a hoof up. "Right after we left Canterlot, you were the one who was all like," poorly imitating Tavi's voice, and sounding more like a masculine version of herself, Vinyl then said, "'Oh shut up about the trial. I don't want to know a thing about it. Blah blah, yada yada.' Well I was doing you a favor, Octy! And because of it, Maurice here thought that I was a freakin' pyro!"

"Is that why you were burning the newspapers?" I added. "But...but the funny pages...

Raising a brow, Vinyl turned to me and shook her head lightly. "Trust me, you weren't missing much."

"I...I see," Tavi said, causing Vinyl and I to turn our attention back to her. "I do recall saying something akin to that...and I guess in your own mind, you were only doing me a favor, Vinyl, so I apologize for yelling."

"It's cool," Vinyl answered with a dismissive shrug, turning back to the duffle bag and searching through its contents. "Not the first, and definitely not the last time you're gonna yell at me for something. Say uh...you haven't seen my toothbrush, have you? Can't seem to find it."

Closing her eyes, Tavi took a few seconds to rub her forehead. "Ugh, Vinyl...you should know where it is. Weren't you the one tasked with packing our toiletries? I'm hoping you didn't lose mine..."

"Hey, I didn't remember to pack all that stuff away until last minute, but I know it's in here somewhere. Oh hey, well I found both of yours." Vinyl levitated one pink and one black toothbrush out of the bag, then floated them over to rest atop the dresser. "Eh, mine's must be at the bottom of it or something." Using her magic, she picked up her own and two other bags, then carried them to the door. Once she was under the doorway, she stopped and turned back to us. "Well, me and the girls are gonna get ready for bed, so," she gave us a little salute with her hoof, "night, you two."

And at that, she walked fully out of the room, then closed the door behind her as I heard her hoof-steps walk down the hallway.

Once she was out of earshot, I placed my hands at my sides and looked around Tavi's old room, as I had calmed down enough to finally notice it. It was a large bedroom with warm and inviting cream-colored walls, had furniture seemingly made from high-quality materials such as two white couches facing each other with a coffee table in-between them, a dresser, a wardrobe, and two nightstands with lamps atop them placed at both sides of a queen-sized bed with white velvet sheets. Also, judging by the posters of what looks like the 90's equivalent of Equestrian boy-bands adorned on some of the walls, I could make a good guess as to what age Tavi was the last time she used this room.

"Maurice," Tavi said, prompting me to turn back to her. Looking at me with a tense smile, she took a breath before continuing. "I understand how you might feel, what with my father's non-official occupation and such, but--"

"What does he do officially?" I asked, doubting the answer to be ice-cream man.

"Hmm? Oh, he's an importer/exporter."

Rolling my eyes at that, I pointed a thumb at my chest, then said in a mocking tone, "And I'm Art Vandelay!"

Tavi tilted her head in confusion. "Art Vande..." She gave her head a quick shake before looking back at me. "I thought your name was Maurice?"

"What? No, it is. That was just a...eh, never mind."

"Right, I'm assuming this is one of your strange human things," she said after giving me an annoyed and skeptic look. "Anyway, what I was trying to say was that my father's not that bad. Sure, he may seem intimidating at times, but that's all an act. In reality, he detests violence and only uses it as a last resort. In fact, his smuggling organization does more good than harm. For example, countless alcoholic establishments survive and thrive here in Equestria because he supplies them with brands that make them stand out, and he even provides them with actual protection from being extorted by other gangs and such. Also, more importantly, he frequently donates a large sum of the bits he made to multiple charities, resulting in the foal's wing in Canterlot hospital to be named after him!"

"Ok, I get your point!" I said, waving my open palms back and forth, hoping to stop this little rant she was getting into. I then ran a hand through my hair. "Still doesn't excuse the fact that he was trying to get me to break up with you..."

Tavi made an amused sound. "Ha, trust me Maurice...you're not the first one my father's pulled that stunt on. Rest assured, I'll be sure to discuss that with him tomorrow if it'll make you feel better, but for now," she walked over to the dresser and secured her toothbrush in her mouth, opened the room's door, stepped out into the hallway, then turned back to me and carefully spoke around it, "it's late, and I'd like to turn in for the night. Come, take your brush and follow me to the bathroom."

"Fine," I said after picking it up, feeling a bit tired myself. "So what's the sleeping situation? Do I get my own room, or...?"

Scoffing amusingly around the toothbrush held in her mouth, Tavi rolled her eyes. "Oh don't be silly," she articulated around the brush, "My cousins have their own room, Vinyl's sleeping with Lyra and Bon Bon, and since you seem to still harbor some nervousness regarding my father, you'll be sleeping here with me."

After looking at the toothbrush in my hand, then Tavi, I raised my thumb in her direction before sarcastically saying in an exited tone, "Yeah...great idea! Let's give your dad even more of a reason to whack me! Just let him know that I'm not into dudes if he's planning on giving me the kiss of death!"

Despite how tired I was, under the bed covers and in my sleeping clothes with Tavi nuzzling my side in her sleep, slumber eluded me, as I was staring at the darkened ceiling with several things running through my mind. A few of these thoughts that were keeping me up were: Why do they make lemon scented bug spray? Death shouldn't smell like lemons! and How can my feet smell when they don't have noses?

Ok, ok, terrible and ripped off joking aside, if it wasn't obvious, I was up because I still wasn't over the fact that Speakeasy and Highground were Tavi's parents, and that I was currently under one of their roofs.

A normal person might ask what were the chances of that happening, but knowing that the universe (universes if Equestria is in a separate one) has been conspiring against me since day one, I really shouldn't be surprised. Things rarely went well for me, and when they did, it was usually because dominoes were being lined up to get knocked over later.

Still, Tavi said that her dad was harmless, something that I'd like to take her word for, but what about her mother? I'd rather not get another punch to the kidney again. Hmm, I recall Tavi saying that her folks were never married, so there's a good chance that she's not even here, which is something to be hopeful for at least...

Ugh, too much thinking. I just need to shut down, go to sleep, and maybe salvage what I can of tomorrow. Alright brain, just shut down...shut do--aw geez, is that...? Great, seems that in my haste to get ready for bed, I forgot to drain the main vein...

After gently turning to Tavi, and using what little night vision I had to confirm that she was still asleep, I carefully slid out from under her, got on my feet, tip-toed to the door, slowly opened it, then stepped into the dimly lit hallway and proceeded to make my way to the bathroom.

Minutes later, after taking care of business, I was making my way back to Tavi's room, but stopped when I spotted Vinyl, Lyra, and Bon Bon through one of the ajar doors I was passing by. Peeking through it, I saw that they were all asleep atop the one bed in the room, their frames highlighted by the moonlight shining in through the window. Lyra was spooning Bon Bon on one half of the bed, while Vinyl was laying on her back on the other half, drooling out the side of her mouth as she splayed her legs out, threatening to knock the other two off the bed. Occasionally, one of Vinyl's legs would give off a little twitch.

"Oi," I heard a voice utter from my side, surprising me when I turned to the source of it. There, looking at me with a skeptical brow as she hovered there with her forelegs crossed, was the same dark purple, freckled faced pegasus mare wearing a newsboy cap who I remember being one of the ponies who kidnapped me all those weeks ago. "Hmm, bein' a bi' of a lurker, aren't ya?" she said in that cockney sounding accent of hers.

"Hey," the light green earthpony stallion in the black and white striped vest, who helped with said kidnapping, softly greeted at her side, raising a hoof as he beamed a friendly smile.

Placing my hand over my eyes, I shook my head, then spoke in a low voice in order to avoid waking the girls. "I wasn't lurking, and of course you two assholes would be here..."

The stallion's ears lowered as he frowned at that. "Hey, I like to think that I was somewhat nice to you the last time we met," he said.

"Well uh...Suds, was it?" I questioned as I crossed my arms and leaned forward. "I was tied to a freaking chair; not the nicest of things unless there was a safe word..."

Shrugging his shoulders, he rubbed the back of his head. "Well yeah, but I--it's Hops, by the way--but I at least offered you a doughnut and some coffee." Hops then gestured at the pegasus hovering besides him. "In my defense, it was Amber's idea to kidnap you in the first place; I just happen to go along with it."

I shook my head. "Yeah, I don't really care who's idea it wa--"

"Oh shut ya trap, both of ya!" Amber interrupted, silencing us both as she looked from me to Hops with annoyance underlined in her expression. Turning back to me, she adjusted her cap atop her head. "Anyway, sorry to burst your bubble, but we're not here to give you some perver'ed S&M bondage shite." She then made a gesture with her hoof for me to follow. "Come with me, boss wants a word with ya."

"Ah geez," I said to the floor. "I figured I was going to be murdered in this house... Just...didn't expect to die in my jammies..."

"Wha' are ya doin' standing there, talkin' to the floor like a bumbling idiot?" Amber questioned in an ill-tempered tone before flying behind me and pushing me forward down the hall. "Boss said he wants a word with you, so git!"

Amazed by the fact that she had the stamina to push me past several doors, I soon moved away from her hooves, faced her, then stared back into her narrowed eyes with my own as I patted my sleeping shirt. Once that was done, I stepped aside and gestured for her to lead on. To my shock and amazement, I swore I actually saw her flash a grin for a few seconds before she hovered past.

After following her down a series of hallways, with Hops tailing at the rear, we soon made it to a glossy wooden door that had a golden plaque near the top of it; engraved on it was Speakeasy's cutie mark, and atop it in cursive was 'The Battlin' Mustang'. Once Amber opened the door and held it for me, I walked in and...whoa, now there's a sudden transition regarding interior design. The rest of the house that I've seen appeared to be a luxurious mansion, but entering this room made me think that I had just stepped into a real pub. It was made from less fancy, but still high-quality materials, and, despite the fact that it was late in the night, there were several ponies here having a drink and chatting amongst themselves, almost all of whom where dressed in a vest tie combo of various colors.

Looking around the place as I stepped further in, and almost knocking into one of the maids I saw earlier carrying a tray of drinks to a table, I soon spotted Speakeasy wearing a white apron behind the counter, smiling contently to himself as he poured beer out of a faucet and into a mug before placing it on the counter and sliding it to a waiting mare at the other end of it. Sitting on a stool across the counter from him was Ledger, drinking something out of a whiskey glass that had ice in it.

"Well hey, there you are!" Speakeasy greeted, finally noticing me as he waved me over. "Like what you see? It's a recreation of my pop's bar: The Battlin' Mustang." Smiling, he then pointed at the stool next to Ledger. "Well come on, don't be shy. Take a seat." Taking him up on his offer, I sat down and rested my elbows on the counter as I looked around, spotting Amber and Hops as they walked over to a group playing darts in the corner. "So, what'd ya like?" Speakeasy asked, causing me to refocus on him. "I've got just about everything here." Rolling his eyes with a smirk, he then said, "And no, that excludes anything illegal or bootlegged. Heh, I'm not stupid enough to have anything like that in my own home of all places."

"Eh, no thanks," I answered as I slowly waved my hand in a dismissive manner. "I don't drink this late at night."

"Oh come on," Speakeasy said, rhythmically tapping his hooves atop the counter. "Have something. We're gonna be talking for quite a bit, so you might as well. How about a chocolate milk, hmm? Some good ol', chocolaty, vitamin D."

"Ugh, fine." I uttered in defeat. "Chocolate milk then."

"Got'cha," he said before fiddling with some things behind the counter, then used his magic moments later to pull out a whiskey glass full of chocolate milk and placed it on the counter before me. After a few moments passed of me just staring at the glass, Speakeasy then said, "You know, I didn't poison that if that's what you're thinking." Not answering him, he then rolled his eyes before lifting the glass up to his lips to take a sip. "See?" he said with a chocolaty milk mustache, placing the glass back on the counter. "Not poisoned."

"I know that," I answered, breaking my silence. "I was thinking if I should ask you to put some ice in it."

"Oh, well you should have just asked then." Using his magic, ice cubes floated out from what I'm assuming to be a freezer behind the counter, then plopped one by one into my drink. "And, just for you, I'm gonna place this tiny umbrella in it." After a few more moments of me, yet again, staring silently at the glass, Speakeasy adopted a puzzled look on his face. "Well, aren't you going to try it?"

Shrugging, I simply answered with, "No."

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because I don't want it anymore."

He cocked his head curiously to the side. "Because of the umbrella?"

I shook my head. "No, because you drank from it."

Speakeasy facehoofed. "Where's that patience I had to pay a fortune to send the entire jury at my trial to an all expense paid vacation? Because now I'm starting to think that maybe I should have poisoned it after all..."

Ledger chuckled, then, after sitting silently besides me this entire time I was here, he spoke. "Easy there, father. You yourself said that that wasn't our style, and it'd be very difficult to convince the authorities that he died because he accidentally swallowed the glass whole."

After releasing a deep sigh to compose himself, Speakeasy removed his hoof from his face and looked at me. "So...I'm going to assume that my daughter's already spilled the beans and told you that I'm not actually going to do a thing to you."

"She might have mentioned something like that earlier..." I answered, cupping the cool whiskey glass of chocolate milk. "So why call me over? You're not trying to be scary like last time, so what is this?"

The corner of Speakeasy's mouth moved upwards. "Well I'm glad you asked. I was hoping we could discuss you breaking up with my daughter."

Ah, so it's this again.

"Why?" I asked, shifting the glass around and making the ice cubes clink. "Is it because I'm human?"

Speakeasy released an amused scoff. "Kid, it has nothing to do with that." His eyes moved upwards as he then placed a hoof on his chin. "Oh, wait... I guess it kind of does..."

I don't have to sit for this. Placing my palms on the counter, I prepared myself to get up. "Listen, no matter what you think, Tavi and I are both adults, and if you have a problem with me being human, well..." Aaand nothing witty or profound comes to mind... "Well...that's your problem."

Once I got up and made a few steps towards the exit, Speakeasy spoke.

"Whoa-ho-ho, slow down there; it's not what you think. Listen, if you sit back down and hear what I have to say, then I promise never to bother you with that again, deal? Heck, when we reach the end of it, maybe you'll realize why I'm asking."

So he'll stop asking that if I just sit down and listen? Granted, he's only asked that of me twice, but I get the feeling that this will be a recurring thing if I don't accept his offer now.

Taking a breath, I sat back on the stool, then, after taking a sip of the chocolate milk from a side that he didn't drink from, I pointed at him while still holding the glass. "You get one shot...don't waste it."

Speakeasy grinned. "Hmm, civil, I like that. Anyway, I'm going to start with a little story." He then guested around himself. "See this place? The mansion? The servants? My business? Well, long before Octavia was born, I had none of this.

"See, my pops used to be the barkeeper of the original Battlin' Mustangs, and he only had two passions in this world: that bar, and me. Now I know what you're probably thinking: 'Why didn't he list his ma? Well I'm getting to that. I never knew my ma; pops tried to protect me by saying that she died when I was young, but you hear alot of loose, drunken lips when growing up in a bar. Turns out ma was a, well...mare of the night, and I don't mean that she was Princess Luna or a bat pony. Right when my pops had earned an inheritance from a recently deceased uncle of his, she happened to show up in his life and stole his heart.

"Oh my poor pops; he didn't realize that she was only after his money, and was heartbroken when it ran out and she left. Many months after that, baby-me was left on his doorstep in a crib with a note basically saying 'Here's your snot-nosed brat, now you take care of him'. Heh, almost all of those rumors say that he was thankful for me at least. So, I was a little colt running around my pop's bar, giving all the costumers their drinks. I was kind of the bar's little mascot, and despite what others may have thought, I was happy to be doing it, because that bar was my passion just as much as it was my pop's.

"Fast forward near the end of my teen years and this gang led by a guy named Moonshine shows up. Now Moonshine, he was a real son of a bitch; guy had these thick red eyebrows he was known for, was ruthless, and had little to no empathy for others. Like, for a small example, he knocks this mare up--who everypony knew he was the only one she was seeing--then straight up denies being the father and kicks her out. I felt sorry for that foal who was born later, eh, Moondancer her name is, and to this day I check up yearly on her to see how she's doing. Sometimes, a gift basket with some bits in it mysteriously arrive at her doorstep, though I don't exactly know what she does with them since her house seems to have more books than bricks...

"Oh, shit, getting off track." Speakeasy coughed into his hoof. "Anyway...so Moonshine and his gang move in to Canterlot and start muscling in on all small businesses, demanding that they be paid tribute or else. They soon come to the Battlin' Mustang, but my pops wasn't one to roll over, so he refused. They leave and we think that everything's all peachy...that was until we came back the next day and found that the Mustang was smashed up overnight. Going to the police did nothing for us; if it had happened in a nicer part of the city, then maybe they would have lifted a hoof.

"So, we did the only thing we could do and paid the tribute, but because my pops was the first one to refuse, Moonshine decided to make an example out of him. He had his goons steal our alcohol shipments, cutting off our lifeblood! He couldn't get all of the shipments, but still, it was hurting the bar, and, over time, my pop's health. Things go so bad that pops became bedridden, so without him knowing, I quit school and ran the bar without him; at the time, it seemed like the right move for me to do, since I was planning on working there full time anyway after high school.

"Things were touch and go for a while, but I was able to keep the Mustang afloat." Speakeasy then looked around, his eyes seeming to be watery. "But...all of that didn't matter anymore, because things took a turn for the worse and my pops soon passed. Heh...had him buried with his favorite mug from the Mustang...

"With pops gone, I didn't have the...the drive to keep the bar running, and I was soon forced to sell it to...to Moonshine..." Speakeasy then released an irritable sigh. "He didn't exactly buy it for a high price, so when I needed money just to survive, I had no choice but to work for the dick. Moonshine only hired those of us who seemingly had no futures 'cause that made us expendable in a way, and allowed him to pay us peanuts because he knew there was nothing else we could do for a living.

"So, I joined Moonshine's gang, and being at the very bottom of the shit list, I did a few things I wasn't proud of; he had me doing the exact same things to others that landed me in my predicament. Skip ahead two or three years of this and Moonshine brings me and a few boys along with him to a warehouse this one night for a meeting he had set up with a large store owner, as it wasn't uncommon for them to hire us to scare the smaller businesses in line.

"We get into the warehouse, meet the guy, and Moonshine starts talking business with him. But, as the two are talking, I notice that the guy seemed a little antsy, like he was waiting for something. Right when Moonshine and the guy finish their agreement and shake hooves, cops started storming into the warehouse! Turns out that Moonshine messed with the wrong ponies, because the guy was wearing a wire and the police were finally doing something about him.

"But, as happy as I was that Moonshine was finally getting what was a long time coming, I couldn't get myself arrested too. So, I bolted right out of the warehouse before they could get me. I ran through several blocks as quick as I could, even went over, under, and around fences." To my surprise, Speakeasy then smiled as he covered his eyes while shaking his head. "But it turns out that I wasn't being fast enough, because I could see through my peripheral vision the blue uniform of a cop flying behind me and closing the distance.

"I kept thinking that I could still escape, even while the cop finally caught up and grappled me to the ground. I finally realized that I couldn't when I felt the click of a hoofcuff locking in place around one of my forehoofs. Admitting the fact that I was caught and heading to jail, I got up and looked at my captor... I didn't know it then, but she was the most gorgeous mare I've ever seen in my life, and she had the other half of the hoofcuff locked around her foreleg so I wouldn't run off...

"Her name was Moral, a bat pony with the most beautiful scarlet red mane, and I remembered her from back before I left school; it would have been difficult for me to forget her, 'cause most bat ponies back then remained in Hollow Shades since Luna had yet to return.

"So, I was cuffed to her, and she began to drag me back to the warehouse where the others were. But, I really did run far, and before we could even get close to the warehouse, the scheduled rainstorm finally kicked in, forcing us to take shelter under a bridge from the heavy rain. A while after we had gotten in that dry little area and waited the storm out, we began to talk, and, it took her a while, but she was finally able to remember me. She and her friends used to go into the Mustang all the time with fake ID's; I never called them out on them, and always made sure to only give them the lightest stuff.

"Frankly, she was surprised and disappointed that I ended up working for an ass like Moonshine, but I told her of what happened and of what little choice I had. She was understanding, but couldn't just let me go; she was a rookie and I was her first arrest. Plus, she...didn't exactly have the key on her... No, we had to wait under that bridge until the storm ended. But, as the night went on...I don't know if it was something I said, or maybe it was the mood, but, well... Well we started kissing...like, furiously, and it's a good thing that cord connecting us together was as long as it was, because I was able get behind her and angle my--"

"Ok!" I interrupted as I raised my hand, my other hand holding up the near empty glass of chocolate milk. "At this point, poison's starting to look better and better..."

"Fine, fine, I'll spare you those details," Speakeasy said amusingly with a roll of his eyes. "Ok, so, after coitus, I still didn't want to go to jail, so being super quiet so that I didn't wake Moral sleeping beside me, I manged to use a discarded bobby bin I found and used it to pick the hoofcuff, then ran off into the night and escaped.

"Two or three weeks pass, and surprisingly, nopony came to arrest me; I figured that Moral never told the higher ups that she knew who I was. So, staying in my little shit-hole of a home as I planned how to stretch what little money I had left, I was surprised by a knock at the door. Wondering who it was since I don't get any visitors, I open it and was surprised to see that it was Moral. Before I had the chance to ask how she found me or why she was here, she..." Speakeasy looked like he was having a hard time containing his smile. "She...she threw a pregnancy test at my face. It was positive. She said that she was keeping the foal and that I at least had the right to know.

"You can not believe the mix of emotions I felt as I held up that little pee-stick in front of my face, but, I knew what I had to do then and there. I proposed to her...and she turned me down... Said that her officer salary was more than enough to raise the foal, and that I wouldn't be able to contribute a thing since I already had enough trouble feeding myself...she was right.

"As I watched the mare carrying my unborn foal walk out of my life...something in me, I don't know, changed. I suddenly wanted more, I wanted to be part of my foal's life the second it was born, to give it everything I never had. It was my foal, and I would give it the world if I could. My drive, the one similar to the one I had back when I ran the Battlin' Mustang with pops all those years ago, returned...

"Using this newly rekindled drive, and having previously worked in a bar, I knew how much more we could sell foreign brands in Equestria, so I convinced some of my remaining 'co-workers' to go along with my idea, and we soon started our smuggling operations. It really is a victim-less crime, and I wasn't going to stoop down to Moonshine's level by being a thug...my foal deserved a better father than that. We started off small, but over time, our success started to snowball and more and more ponies who were in situations like myself wanted in, and unlike Moonshine, I paid fairly. But, even with all of my successes, I never forgot where I came from; you might not be able to stop crime, but you can at least divert it way from less deserving folks.

"Skip ahead to a few months before my little Octavia was born, I had my lawyer serve Moral a document saying that I was filing for joint custody. She agreed to it, but ever since then, she's made it her personal mission to catch me on her own; after all, just like she is to me, I'm the one who got away."

I set my empty whiskey glass back on the counter. "Ok, so that explains how you and her mom are at opposite sides of the law...but what was the point in telling me all this?"

"Heh, kid, weren't you listening?" Speakeasy asked as he leaned forward to place his elbow on the counter and his head on his hoof. "I want to give my daughter the one thing I never had...a full family. I proposed to Moral countless times as Octavia was growing up, and each time she turned me down, so that's why I'm asking you to break up with her. You're human--an otherworldly creature that has no magic; you'd never be able to have foals with her, and I want grand-kids to spoil. And even if you could, what do you really have going for yourself? You might be living comfortably right now, but I doubt tour guides make enough of a salary to support a family."

I just stared at him, having no idea how to react to all this...

Speakeasy raised his hooves up defensibly. "Now I'm not trying to insult you or anything, all I'm trying to say is that you're not the guy qualified to make my daughter truly happy." Reaching over the counter, he placed his hoof on Ledger's shoulder. "Instead, that job goes to Ledger here. Ever since I became his legal guardian, I've been grooming him to be the perfect gentlestallion for my daughter, and to be my successor for when it's time for me to retire. Octavia and him actually dated before for a short time, but for some reason, she cut it off with him. I'm hoping that she finally opens her eyes and realizes that he's the guy for her, but for that to happen, she has to stop seeing yo--"

"Oh enough already, father!"

All three of us jumping at that, I turned around and spotted Tavi standing there, her expression crossed and mane showing the early stages of bed hair.

Approaching us to stand in the space between my stool and Ledger's, she rose on her hindlegs and slammed her forehooves on the counter.

"I suspected you were up to something when I woke up and failed to find Maurice besides me," she angrily said to her father.

Sporting a nervious smile as he pulled his head back, Speakeasy's gaze wandered the room as he rubbed his neck. "Oh, uh, s-sweetie, I was just offering your coltfriend here a glass of choc--"

"Father."

His eyes snapped back to her's. "Eh, yes?"

"Stow it. I know every well what you were trying to do...I walked in near the end of all that, and Maurice has told me of what you did to him weeks ago..."After rubbing her forehead while shaking her head with an annoyed grunt, Tavi looked back to him. "I can't believe you're doing this again! If it's not you scaring away my coltfriends, it's mother! I swear, if you two cooperated from day one, I'd remain a virgin to this day!"

To my surprise and amusement, Speakeasy slammed his hooves over his ears, covering them. "La la la la la!" he shouted with his eyes closed. "Didn't need or want to hear that! My beautiful daughter, who I love so much, still is and always has been a virgin! La la la la la!"

Tavi rolled her eyes. "Oh grow up! Are you my father, or Vinyl's!?" She then turned to Ledger. "I know that you were probably just dragged into this, Ledger, but I'll say this again in front of my father so he'll understand: We tried us before, but it just didn't work out. I see you more as a brother than anything else, and we're just...incompatible; I hope you understand."

Smiling a bit, Ledger shrugged. "Oh I understand. I will admit that I am a little disappointed to hear that...again...but ultimately, it's your decision. I'll still wish you the best of luck with Maurice here."

"Thank you," she said with a small bow of her head to him before turning to me. "Alright Maurice, get up, we're going back to bed."

"Alright, alright," I said with a yawn as I rose off the stool. Following Tavi to the door, I stopped, then turned back to Speakeasy. "Hey uh...before I go, there's one thing I'd like to ask."

Opening an eye to look at me, Speakeasy removed his hooves from his ears. "Yeah, what is it?"

"The morning after we first met...that was a neat trick you did with that spider. How'd you do that?"

Looking at me with the most genuinely confused expression, Speakeasy's reply caused my eyes to widened in horror.

"Spider? What spider?"

Author's Note

Here's my patreon. Come on guys, I'd really like to go to my first ever convention. Babscon.

I'll Go, But I'm Covering My Kidneys, Lest She Punches Them Again

"Up up, Maurice! The sun has risen and so should you!"

"Gah!" I groaned loudly as I was suddenly stirred awake, my upper-half immediately enveloped in a subtle warmth and my vision turning bright red despite the fact that my eyes never opened. Fleeing under the covers didn't help, because seconds later, like a magician doing that tablecloth trick, that too was removed from me with a flourish, forcing me to curl into the fetal position as my palms moved to cover my still heavy eyes.

"Oh come now, Maurice," he lectured with a tsk tsk as I heard him walk around the bed. "I was very lenient when mistress Octavia requested for me to let you sleep in, but breakfast is nearly prepared and you've yet to rise! As head butler of the Speakeasy estate, that simply will not do; it's my job to make sure everypony is present and accounted for when they're receiving the most important meal of the day. Now up, up!"

Feeling my leg being tugged by what I'm assuming to be magic, I realized that this guy was absolutely hellbent to see me out of this comfy, heavenly bed that I was oh so enjoying my slumber in, so I had no choice but to give in.

"Alright, alright--geez!" I answered listlessly as I forced myself to sit up, blindly fumbling towards the edge of the bed while rubbing the remnants of sleep from my eyes.

Sounding satisfied once my feet touched the floor, he spoke up. "There we go. Wasn't too hard, now was it?" Still rubbing my face, I responded to that with an incoherent murmur. "Quite. Now, you still have half an hour until breakfast time, so I'm assuming that would be plenty of time for you to get ready. Once you're prepared, gather with the rest in the dining room."

Removing my hand from my face, I looked in his direction and gave a few focus adjusting blinks. "Yeah...Yeah, alright. Thanks, uh..."

I can not for the life of me remember this dude's name...

"Valet," the older brown unicorn answered almost instantaneously, having picked up my trouble placing his name; he didn't seem upset that I couldn't--I mean, I did just barely meet the guy yesterday.

"Right," I replied with a sluggish nod, yawning as I then made a quick survey the room, noticing that something--or rather someone--was missing. "Say, uh, where's Tavi?" Seeing him raise a puzzled brow at me, I immediately corrected myself with, "I mean, the mistress?"

"Ah," he sounded, his expression lighting up in understanding. "In the kitchen, actually. Against my better wishes, she insisted she help prepare breakfast. Yet another reason I was so adamant with waking you." Turning around, he then made for the door. "Well, I have other duties to attend to, so I trust you'll be ready by then?" I simply nodded. "Excellent!" And with that, he stepped into the hallway and left, leaving me very tempted to just fall backwards onto the bed and pick up where my slumber had left off.

Managing to resist that urge--but only by just barely--I succeeded in getting up from the bed, then lumbered to my luggage sitting in the room's corner and procured my morning essentials from it; things like a change of clothes and my toothbrush. With my items in tow, I then made a slow, sleepy-eyed stride out of the room, into the lavishly adorned hallway, and towards the bathroom, yawning a few times into my free hand along the way. With every step my bare feet took atop the tiles that were of sup-par temperature, my brain would gradually warm up, memories of what happened before returning to bed last night returning bit by bit.

Right, so uh, Speakeasy wants me to break it off with Tavi 'cause he wants her to be with Ledger instead; a guy he practically raised to be her husband and his successor. Geez, I'd hate to admit this, but Speakster--I'd like to test the waters with calling him that, but I don't exactly feel inclined with having myself fitted for cement shoes--brought up some good points. If my relationship with Tavi were to one day progress to a point in the future where she'd want kids, then I'm fairly certain that I'm incapable of providing her with that. Despite all of the examinations she's done, Twilight's still in the dark when it comes to the full extent of my alien physiology, so the mere thought of even attempting to rectify that with some sort of spell is just too great of a risk.

Of course, adoption is always an option, one which I'm more than content with given my situation, but what about Tavi? Would she be ok with raising a foal that she knows isn't her's? Even if she was, there is the other issue when it comes to providing for our would-be family. Sure, we're living just fine now, but some day the bits I make by giving tours probably won't be sufficient, and it was difficult enough for me to even find that job in the first place, let alone another higher paying one.

Grunting, I shook my head with a hard blink.

Ugh, it's way too early in the morning for me to be thinking of such things, especially when they're far off, uncertain possibilities; don't want to come off as a Negative Nancy here, more like a Reality Ray, but a lot of things can happen between now and then--maybe our relationship won't progress that far at all. She already stated that she wasn't interested in the physical aspect of our relationship--when you've got a strange-looking bod only nuts like Vinyl and Lyra would like to test out, who could really blame her--so perhaps it'll be more or less of what we have now, something I'm fortunate to even have at all in this alien world.

Still, if the time ever comes where she does decide to break it off with me in order to have that family of her own, then I'd be more than understanding, as I don't wish to be the thing holding her back from her happiness.

"Hmm, Valet gotcha too, huh?" Vinyl lethargically asked, speaking to my reflection in the bathroom mirror before her as she idly brushed her teeth, bags under her eyes and her mane more of a mess that it usually is.

"Yup," I promptly answered, setting my things aside as I meandered my way to the toilet.

"Ha, figures! Guy's a stickler for punctuality and all that."

Standing before the porcelain throne, I, with one hand ready to lift its seat, and the other waiting to pull down my pants, turned back to Vinyl, shooting her a skeptical look. "Hey uh, you mind?"

After gurgling some water, Vinyl spat it out, looked up from the sink, then gave a wisecracking smile to my reflection as she began working to style her mane with a comb. "Nah, don't really mind at all. Go on ahead, do your bizz and wizz!"

Somewhat, but not totally amused, I bit the inside of my cheek at that as I repositioned myself, having it that she could only see my back. Lifting the seat, I--

"Twilight, where is she!?"

Nearly pissed over myself and Discord, god thing of chaos or whatever, who's Oscar the Grouch impersonation would have been spot on if he popped out of a trash can instead of a toilet...

"Hmm?" he sounded, looking up at my wide-eyed, shocked face before blinking. "Say, aren't you...?" Lowering his sights down to what I had uncovered, he balked as he immediately pulled his head back. "Yup! You alright--recognize that from the unnecessarily detailed doodles in Twilight's little draft to the scientific journals! Huh, must have taken a wrong turn or two at Albuquerque..." How does he... Averting his eyes from me seconds later, he coughed. "Say uh, odd question, but you wouldn't just so happen to have some spare tickets to that dreadfully dull gala laying around, would you?"

Hearing something plastic clatter onto the floor behind me, I turned my head back and saw Vinyl just standing there with her comb at her hooves. "Uuuh..." she uttered, the synapses in her brain possibly working overtime as she stared blankly at the sight before her.

"Yes? No? Well out with it!" he seethed at her.

Wanting him gone before the startled flood dams in my bladder break, I turned back to Discord and, knowing that this guy runs off of Looney Tunes logic, pulled the toilet's handle, his surprised face soon swirling down the drain while accompanied by the sound of flushing water.

"If you're looking for Twilight, then try her house, dingus!" I nearly shouted in annoyance, doing a little dance as I lifted the seat again. Staring into an empty toilet bowl, relief immediately washed over me. "Oh thank God!"

As I then did my bizz and whizzed, Vinyl eventually spoke up.

"Uh...Maurice...was that Discord? Like, the Discord?"

After shaking twice, I pulled my pants back up, flushed the toilet a second time, then moved to the sink and began washing my hands. "Eh, yeah...yeah it was..."

"Huh." Vinyl answered simply. Spotting her reflection in the mirror, I could see that she was giving me this quizzical, baffled look. "Hey huh, you're being awfully nonchalant about this... I mean, it's not everyday you have a run in with the spirit of chaos and walk away without any unwanted little surprises. What, you know the guy or something?"

Cutting the water off, then drying my hands on an adjacent towel hanging from a rack, I turned to her and leaned back onto the sink's rim as I rubbed the back of my head.

"Well um, kinda. He uh, he was one of the first few creatures questioned as to whether or not they were responsible for whisking me off my world and onto this. But, after a pretty lengthy interrogation mostly done by Fluttershy, it was revealed that he wasn't involved and that me coming here really was a freak of nature. After that, I'd see him annoy the heck out of the princesses when bored. He did offer to send me to a human world, but with him not knowing which exact one I'm from, and with there apparently being a vast number of worlds, chances are that it wouldn't be mine." I shrugged. "Heh, knowing my luck, if I'd took him up on his offer, then I'd probably end up and die in one decimated by nuclear war or something. So really, I had two options." As if holding something in my palm, I raised one hand. "Radioactive wasteland," I raised the other, "or world ruled by talking ponies. Hmm, tough call. Wasteland. Ponies. Wasteland. Ponies." Rolling my eyes, I clasped my hands together and sarcastically said, "Por que no los dos?"

Getting all that--I think--Vinyl nodded in response. "Huh, right when you'd think you know a guy. Well anyway," she then said as she turned to the door, "I'm done here; I'd tell the others about Discord popin' out of the toilet and all, but for some reason, I doubt they'd believe it if it came from me."

"Well they're not hearing it from me!" I stressed, raising my arms. "Speakeasy's already got it somewhat out for me, and if he hears that chaos incarnate was in his freaking septic tank, who do you think he's going to blame!?"

"Yeeeah, good point," she said with a nod before walking out of the bathroom. "Well uh, see ya at breakfast, I guess." And at that, she was gone, leaving me to close the door and finally get ready in peace.

Minutes later, of which I occasionally and apprehensively turned to the toilet just to be on the safe side, I was ready for the day, teeth brushed, hair dealt with and clothes changed. Remembering Valet mention that Tavi was helping with breakfast, and not wanting to wait at the table in awkward silence with Speakeasy, I decided to seek out the kitchen and see if I could lend her a hand with that.

"Mmm, Octavia, you're a wizard in the kitchen!" Speakeasy marveled, speaking over the sound of silverware clinking against porcelain plates as everyone enjoyed their breakfast. "I really like this waffle, uh, sandwich thing you made. Is that uh, is that peanut butter and jelly I taste?"

"Er, why yes," Tavi answered, smiling nervously at her father sitting across from her at the breakfast table. "But um...I didn't prepare that...Maurice did..."

His eyes widening as he paused in mid-chew, Speakeasy gradually shifted his sights to me sitting besides Tavi, clearly spotting the broad, glee-filled grin I was beaming at him. Swallowing, his expression went neutral as he blasphemously set the rest of his heaven-sent delicacy onto his plate. "On second thought," he said, pushing it way, "it's not that great at all..." Despite that, my grin remained.

Deny it all you want, Speakster, but I saw that glint of utter joy in your eyes when you took that first, hearty bite of my scru-diddly-umptious creation... Even now I can see you staring at it in temptation...

"So, Maurice," Alto, the white coated, black maned unicorn cousin of Tavi's soon spoke.

"Hmm?" I sounded, sipping from my cup of freshly squeezed orange juice as I looked to her from across the table. Man, this stuff is delicious! Way better than that high fructose corn syrup from back home!

Whipping her mid-length mane aside, she continued, her voice carrying a subtle, underlined Prench accent. "This may be a bit unprecedented, and a little soon, but, please, tell us about yourself."

"Ah yes yes, that's right!" Tenor, Alto's inverted colored twin sister, joined in with an eager nod. "We've heard a bit from Ledger before your arrival, but not enough to completely satisfy us. Like, there's just so much we'd love to know! For instance: where are you from?"

"Are your kind common?" added Alto.

"Other than that crepe you have there, what do you eat?"

"What do you do for a living?"

"Do you make a lot of bits?"

Ok uh, didn't know that I was gonna get aggressively interviewed here. Gonna have to word these just right in order to give a good first impression.

"I--"

Right as I opened my mouth, I was immediately cut off by Lyra, who chose to answer in my stead.

"Earth, yes, mostly the same stuff as us but sometimes meat, tour guide, and enough." Turning to my side, I looked over a chortling Vinyl and a face-hoofing Bon Bon, raising a brow at Lyra. Sticking her tongue out the side of her mouth, the unicorn seemed to be concentrating on cutting up her own crepe with a fork... "What?" she soon asked, noticing that I was staring intently at her.

"Thank you, Lyra," I said unenthusiastically, managing to containing my displeasure. But only by just barely. "Just...just thank you..."

"Meat, hmm?" Ledger chimed in, hooves clasped before his mouth and elbows on the table as he leaned forward in interest. "So, you mean to tell us that you uh, normally partake in consuming the flesh of another living being? Like a griffon, chimera, or diamond dog? Heh, should we be worried here?" Despite the jesting tone he used, that last bit sounded more like a warning directed to everyone else in the room, leaving me with no clue on how to properly respond.

What can I really say? That I do eat meat, but preferably cooked and not always? I'd calm his nerves by showing him the pill bottle of chew-able tablets of animal proteins Twilight gave me to act as a viable substitute, but for some reason, I couldn't find them in my bag. Which is weird 'cause I explicitly told Vinyl not to forget them...

"I um, eh...n-no, no it's not like that. It's uh..."

"It's...?" Ledger beckoned, gesturing with a roll of his hoof for me to continue.

Oh boy...so early in the morning and already we've stepped into some pretty touchy territory here...

Luckily, seconds later, Tavi clasped her hooves audibly together, coming to my rescue.

"Ah, I forgot ask!" she said. "Alto, Tenor, where is my other cousin? You know, your brother? You two are obviously here, yet I fail to see him. Oh it's been years!"

After the twins looked to one another--of which I suspect they used some sort of twin telepathy in that short moment to figure out which of them should answer--Tenor turned back to her and spoke.

"Oh, you know; being the hopeless romantic that he is, he's still out there looking for that special somepony."

"Mhmm," Alto affirmed with a nod. "It's still been a good while since we've last seen him, but he still keeps in touch through letters."

Shrugging, Tenor finished with, "Other than that, not much else."

"Ah, I see. Mmm, well, some news is better than none, I suppose," Tavi replied with a small nod, picking up her fork and butter knife with her hooves. After cutting a piece of her crepe off, she stabbed it with the fork, then plopped it into her mouth in one impressive, fluid movement before thoroughly chewing and swallowing it. Possibly in an attempt to further divert the conversation from where it was going before, she then said, "So...what is everypony's plan for the day, hmm?"

"Ooh! Ooh!" Lyra called, raising her hoof up as in class before wrapping it around Bon Bon and pulling her in. "Well since this is Bonny's first time in Canterlot, I thought we'd--"

"Eh, not my first time, and please don't grab me while I'm eating..." Bon Bon cut in, her expression unamused.

"Shut up, tuts, you know you love it!" Lyra said to her before resuming. "Like I was saying, since this is her first time, I thought we'd hit the sights, maybe go to a few restaurants. It took a lot for me to convince her to close the store for a few days and even come on this trip, so we might as well have some fun while we're here!"

"Oh, perhaps we'll join you," Alto said, hoof on her sister's shoulder as the twins smiled at the couple.

"We're mostly here at the house when we come to visit, so seeing the rest of the city sounds nice," Tenor concluded.

"Ooh! We can make a date out of it!" Lyra said with a bright smile before correcting herself moments later. "Eh, heh heh, the platonic kind I mean."

Placing her fore hooves behind her head, Vinyl leaned back in her chair and lifted her rear ones onto the table. "Yeeeah, well while you guys go do that, I think I'll just hang here. I brought Wubz along, so I think I'll just work on mixing some stuff that I've been putting off for a while now."

"And you Ledger, father?" Tavi then asked, looking to them. "What will you two be up to?"

Setting down his cup after sipping from it, Ledger was the first to respond. "Oh I've got an important meeting with somepony here later on in the day. My own budding business endeavors and whatnot."

"Same," Speakeasy added with a carefree shrug, finishing the rest of my culinary creation; I knew he couldn't resist! "Though my meeting's at a different part of the city, so perhaps I can give you girls a ride in the carriage to the shopping plaza later." After licking his hoof clean of peanut butter, he looked to Tavi. "What about you, sweetie? Any plans?"

Staring at the fork in her hoof as she absentmindedly twiddled with it against the plate, Tavi gave her reply. "Mmm, perhaps join the girls on their little escapade, maybe visit mother sometime after that."

Using his magic, Speakeasy beamed while he raised his cup as if giving a toast. "Ah, well, give your mother my regards then."

"Mhmm, I will." Turning her head a bit, Tavi gave me a sideways, curious glance. "And you, Maurice?"

Nervously rubbing the back of my head, I eyed the room. "Uh..." I clicked my tongue. "Yeah, maybe uh, maybe just hang back with Vinyl until you get back; I've had my fill of Canterlot yesterday when we arrived." Honestly, I just don't feel like standing around and looking pretty again while Tavi and the girls just window shop. Also, and as much as it pains me to do so, I feel like I'm mora--ah jeez--morally obligated to say this next part. "Also, when you get back...maybe, just maybe," come on, "I can...accompany you when you go visit your ah...your mom..."

"Really?" Tavi asked in mild disbelief, visibly taken back by that.

Swallowing dryly, I nodded. "Eh, yeah. I mean, since I'm here, and I've already 'formally' met your dad, I might as well go all the way and do the same with her. You know, give a good impression to her while I've got the chance..."

"My, that's...that's very thoughtful of you." Tavi smiled warmly to me. "Alright, make sure to be ready by the afternoon."

"Right," I nodded, only to face forward in confusion when Speakeasy started snickering into his hoof. Raising a brow at him, I then asked, "What's so funny, hombre?"

After regaining his composure with a cough into his hoof, he tried to look me in the eye with a straight face, yet the ends of his mouth were straining to curl upwards. "Kid, don't start thinkin' that I like you or anything, but let me give you this one piece of free advice: When it comes to me and Highground as Octavia's parents, I'm a freaking cuddly teddy bear when compared to her! If you so much as make the tiniest of wrong moves or even whisper something that'd set her off, then I guarantee you that you'd be making an early return to Ponyville on account of your bashed in cranium! Gunpowder is what that fine mare is!"

"Ahem," Tavi cleared her throat, regaining my attention as she spoke while looking at me from the corner of her vision. "He's...he's only joking, Maurice. She's not...er, well, she's not as volatile as he's making her out to seem..."

'Not as volatile' she says, I thought nervously to myself, eyes widening in fear at her deliberate choice in wording. Shrinking in my seat, my hand moved to alleviate imaginary pain emerging from my side, the same area where Highground had hoof-punched me the first time she had introduced herself to me. Great...I can already imagine my last words etched onto my tombstone...

"What are you going to do, punch both my kidneys this time?!" --Maurice, 20XX.

Here's hoping they at least get a decent comedian to host the roast for my funeral.

"Hey there, kooky~" I chimed to Vinyl as I stepped into the mansion's homely little lounge, spotting her seated atop the couch in the center of the room, still fiddling with her tabletop, just where I had left her. Once Tavi and the girls had all left on their little spree, I decided to do a bit of exploring around the place and was ecstatic to find a decent sized pool in the back. Having just finished taking a quick swim in it, and not knowing that this place even had one to begin with when I initially packed for the trip, I was garbed in nothing but a pair of waterlogged boxers as I worked to dry myself off with a towel. "So," walking over to the back of the couch, I curiously looked over Vinyl's shoulder, "whatcha up to?"

Not even turning back to me, she gave her reply, her magic and hooves still turning the thing's many dials and do-dads.

"Eh, nothing much. Just workin' on a few things that I've been, well, you know, working on." Looking over her shoulder to face me, she rose a brow while giving this self-pleased, toothy grin. "Hey, wanna see what I got?"

Well, I've got nothing better to do until Tavi and the girls come home, so, after pursing my lips for a bit, I rolled my eyes with a shrug. "Ah sure, why not?"

"Well alright! Here, check this out!" Pressing a button on Wubz, Vinyl caused the turntable's sole record atop it to spin under its readied needle, a flurry of cacophonous sounds unleashed from its built in speakers, thankfully at a reasonable, non-deafening volume. Whatever I was listening to, it didn't seem to have any rhyme or reason to it; sounded like a bunch of alternating clunks and clangs to me, only with slightly modified pitches and resonance. "So?" she soon asked, probably fishing for comments or input, whatever it was still playing.

"Uh...well, it's um...it's--"

"Hey there, kooky~"

Taken back by that, my brows furrowed in confusion.

"Ah shit," Vinyl cursed, cutting the 'music' off before inspecting Wubz more closely. "Ugh, damn button's getting fidgety again!"

"Was that me?" I asked, totally perplexed. "Did I just hear my voice come out of that thing? And do I really sound like that?"

Almost dismissively, Vinyl answered with, "Yeah, yeah you did...and do."

"Um ok...and why did I hear myself?"

Her mouth opening with a subtle, almost inaudible smack, Vinyl addressed that question. "Uh, didn't you hear me? I just said that the button's getting fidgety, so that means that it recorded you when it shouldn't have. You know, you should really learn to connect the dots, Maurice..."

With her talking down to me, like always, I rolled my eyes.

"Ok, uh, for your information, I can connect dots just fine, thank you very much! What I'm saying is, why was it recording at all? I thought you needed like, separate equipment or something to even record."

"Don't have to," Vinyl casually said, checking to see if the other dials were working properly. "In case you haven't noticed, Wubz is a custom job."

"Custom job?" I repeated.

"Mhm, designed by a uh," she clicked her tongue, "let's say a friend of mine, making it a bit older than the newer models out there today, but still reliable for what I need. It uh...it sort of has sentimental value." As if patting an old chum on the back, she tapped its casing. "There's a small yet very sensitive mic built in. I just press a button and ol' Wubz here will capture the sounds and magically etch them into the vinyl for me to tinker with later."

"Wait..."

Turning back to me, Vinyl smirked. "That's right. No canned, store bought beats in my, as Octy would say, repertoire~! All fresh, all natural, baby!" Resting one hind leg atop the other, she placed her forehooves at the back of her head, then leaned back into the sofa, looking straight up at me. "Oh I usually, like you just heard, clink some pots and pans together, then play with the recording's pitch and frequencies when I have some free time. Heh, I once had a party going really nuts with one I put together from the sound of the refrigerator door opening and closing, and your weird horseshoe things stompin' on the floor." Her grin grew larger before she finished with, "You have lovely curtains, by the way."

Ok, note to self for when we get back: get myself a new lock, cause clearly Vinyl is having no trouble with getting at my stuff...

Right when I was about to actually voice that matter with her, I was interrupted when the door to the room opened.

"Oh, uh...you two are in here?" Ledger said, standing at the doorway beside a bright purple unicorn stallion dressed in similar business attire to him.

"Why?" Vinyl asked, looking towards them. "We interrupting something?"

Closing his eyes, Ledger answered with a quick shake of his head. "Oh no no! It's just, well...I stated earlier that I would be having a meeting, and this is where I would normally conduct them. Um, no matter, I can--"

"Actually," I interrupted, straightening my posture, "we were just about to leave."

"Hmm, excuse me?" Vinyl sounded, staring at me in confusion. Just looking at her face, I could tell what she was thinking at that moment. Who died and made you the king of me?

Grunting in annoyance, I leaned into her ear and whispered, "Vinyl...we're guests here; let's not impose. Now, call me a little kooky, but I've got some freaking decency, especially when I'm trying to give Tavi's family a good impression of me. So come on, do me this one favor and out."

After looking at me with this impassive look, Vinyl rolled her eyes before relenting.

"Fine, let me just have Wubz charge in the corner here while we go get a sandwich...or, I don't know, something."

"Thank you." I turned to Ledger and his guest. "Uh, don't mind us--we'll get out of your hair--er, mane--real quick."

"Ah, much appreciated, Maurice," Ledger said with a nod. "Shut the door on your way out, if you would."

Realizing that I was cutting it a little too close to Tavi and the girls' return, I took a rain-check on sandwich making with Vinyl and instead decided to take a quick shower in order to rid myself of that 'pool' smell. After rubbing soapy suds all over my chest, armpits and, well, junk, I partook in what every man does when showering.

Rub one out? Choke the chicken? Wrestle with the one-eyed cyclops?

Hah, no, all popular misconceptions.

What a man really does when in the shower, other than actual showering, is just stand there under the cascade of the shower-head, mulling over their moronic choices that landed them in whatever happened to be their current predicament at the moment.

I agreed to meet with Highground...

Alright Maurice, uh, play it cool. Tavi assured you that she wound't be that, uh, what was the word she used? Explosive?

Whatever, point is, I'm here in Canterlot, I've already 'introduced' myself to one of Tavi's parents and it'd be pretty rude if I didn't do the same for the other when I clearly have the opportunity to do so. Just bite the bullet, say hi, and hopefully you won't have to do much talking. Simple.

'Course, with the first impression she left on me, I'd probably be on edge the entire visit. Tavi 'ill be there, which is good, but just to be on the safe side, I'm thinking of hiding some books under my shirt to protect my oh so precious kidneys. Only got two, and they don't grow back. I think... Man I miss the internet...

Done with mindlessly staring at the tiled wall before me, and remembering that I was on the clock, I grabbed my bottle of shampoo and squeezed out a reasonable amount from it onto my openly awaiting palm. Slapping that shit onto my dome, I began to knead it into my hair in circular motions, the scent of hypoallergenic juicy green apples flooding my sinuses while foam slowly enveloped my massaging hand. Adding the other, I worked the stuff all over my scalp, humming a little tune to myself as I did so.

"I see a little nah nah nah--scaramouch, scaramouch will you do the--"

Just then, with the sound of multiple metal rings scraping against a metal bar, the shower curtain was swiftly pulled back, scaring the living bajesus out of me. Adrenaline surged and heart-rate spiking, my fight-or-flight instincts had me, in my bewilderment, instantly turn to my aggressor to assess the situation. Who I saw standing there, with eyes widening in sync with my own, had my mind sputter, grind, then halt, in that order.

It was Tavi...and Lyra...who for some reason, was dressed like a tourist...novelty shirt, cap, disposable camera hanging by the neck and all...

I don't know how long we just stared at each other. Could have been two seconds, could have been two hours; I sure as hell wasn't counting... At first, their sights were trained on my eyes, but slowly, oh so slowly, they began to lower, going past my chest, abdomen, then belly button until...well... It's scary how an alarming majority of women don't know about male shrinkage, especially after a man has taken a few laps in a pool, but I'm reeeally hoping these two are somewhat informed about the subject...which, knowing my luck, they don't...

"Oh...neat," Lyra said, seconds before my vision went white by her camera's blinding flash going off. The flicker being just the thing to rev up the old beat up lawnmower that was my brain, I reacted by immediately attempting to shield the danger zone from them while I wrapped what I could of the shower curtain around myself. If this was a fraternity, I think it'd make a rather nice toga.

"Wha--what are you two doing here!? And give me that!" Grabbing a hold of Lyra's camera with my free hand, I tugged harshly, tearing its lace from her neck before I managed to open its little back panel and began yanking the film spool out, much to the owner's apparent dismay.

"Hey!" Lyra protested, watching me rip and crumple the brown tape. Uh-uh, ain't risking that shit getting to the press.

Seeming as if her senses had returned to her, Tavi, with what appeared to be a red-ish hue on her face, averted her eyes from me before speaking.

"Oh um...heh, s-sorry. We were about to hop in and join you because we thought you were Vinyl... Our...our mistake."

Stuffing what I could of the film down the drain as I hid behind the curtain, I yelled, "Ok, yes, apology accepted--now please, out!"

"Geez, what's got him so uppity?" I heard Lyra ask over the hiss of the water. Tavi, who's voice sounded as if she were heading towards the door, explained.

"Hmm, don't take it against him, Lyra, but I think he wasn't particularly fond of you taking a picture of him without his clothes."

"Aw, but how else was I to commemorate the moment? Besides, his little fella between his legs was just so cute!"

I could hear Tavi hum in amusement before saying, "Well, since this is my first time actually seeing it for myself, I'd suppose that it was rather adorable."

Face blanching, my voice echoed around the bathroom's tiled walls when I lifted my head and yelled, "I was in the pool!"

Alright, Maurice, so uh...moment of truth here...

Here I was, moving up the stairs and down the halls of some fancy-looking apartment complex with Tavi at my side, making our way towards the lion's den. Wanting to help sway things more into my favor, I carried with me one of the fanciest, most expensive snacks I picked out from my little endorsement package: a decorative, almost unnecessarily ornate box of some fruit (hell if I know what, and the label doesn't exactly specify) dipped in, what the box claims to be, the richest chocolate brewed in Canterlot. I know it's not much, but it's all I could get in such short notice. Hopefully though, it'd make a nice enough appeasement gift to get myself into Highground's somewhat good graces.

"Alright, well, here we are," Tavi said, standing before one of the many doors on this floor; this one labeled with the symbols 'D7'. Turning to me, and possibly noticing my apprehensiveness, she then asked, "Are you ready to meet my mother?"

"Yeah, of course." I lied...

She could tell I wasn't, it was obvious, but regardless, she set her sights back to the door. "Hmm, very well then." Watching her lift her hoof, a part of me wanted to plead for us to postpone this, reschedule even, but I held back that urge, redirecting my focus solely on breathing as she give the wood before her a few solid, resounding knocks.

Nothing happened, as in no one answered it, prompting Tavi to knock again almost a minute later.

"Maybe she's not home?" I proposed, unable to hide my elation to that possibility in my voice, to which Tavi rolled her eyes in amusement.

"Ha, at this time of day? Very unlikely. Perhaps she's--"

Just then, with the knob turning much quicker than I could perceive, the door swung open, revealing a very much sleepy and very much annoyed bat pony on the other side. It was Highground of course, what with it apparently being her apartment and all. Her eyes were squinted, as if adjusting to the light, and her short, scarlet red hair was complete disheveled, almost flattened at one side. Huh, now that I'm looking at her with a bit of light for once and, you know, my face isn't being forced against a wall, I could see that her coat was almost the exact same shade of grey as Tavi and that her cutie mark was, huh...normally every bat pony I came across when living in the castle had this moon or night sky motif thing going on, but Highground here instead had what seemed to be a sundial on her flank. Though I supose those could be used with moonlight, I guess...

"Alright, whoever you are, you better be selling cookies, otherwise you're getting your ass ki--" Leaning forward after squinting even harder, Highground soon pulled her head back in surprise. "My little Octav? That you?"

"Hm, hello mother," Tavi greeted with a smile. "Hope we didn't wake you."

Flashing a big, toothy--and by toothy, I mean fangy--grin, she pulled Tavi into a tight hug. "Aw, sweetie, I didn't know you'd be visiting! And no, it's only...wait... We?" Releasing Tavi from her grasp, she turned to me, having just noticed that I was standing there, facing her vague vicinity, but not directly at her. Maybe it was the tiredness in her expression, but I didn't have a clue as to what she was thinking. "Eh, no...no it's only--" Before she could finish that sentence, what I believed to be an alarm clock could be heard ringing from somewhere within the apartment, Highground's head hanging low in defeat at the sound of it. "It's only...four p.m..." Grunting, she then sighed out the words, "Would you two care to...come in while I go get that?"

"Of course! Come along, Maurice!" Tavi exclaimed, practically hopping past her mother and into the apartment.

With eyes faced directly forward, I took my cue, carefully stepping around Highground as I made to follow Tavi. However, I was stopped dead in my tracks when the irate and pretty sleepy looking bat pony raised a hoof before me in a stopping motion.

"Hold on," she said, her narrowed golden eyes locked onto mine. "Before you even think of stepping anywhere near my apartment, you're..." Her yawn that appeared to have snuck up on her had her cutting herself off short, and despite knowing that she wasn't trying to be intimidating in that moment, I couldn't help but take a step back, as her leathery wings flaring as she did so reminded me of that spitting raptor that ate Newman. "Huuuouahaaa....you're wiping your...hooves? Whatever, you're wiping those things first..."

Seeing that she was pointing at my feet, and not wanting to test her patience, I immediately worked to scrub my shoe's soles clean using her neighbor's welcome mat before finally being allowed to step foot into her home.

As she closed the door and walked past me to enter a hallway at the side where some rooms appeared to be, mostly likely to take care of that alarm clock, I took a second to take her place in.

You know, I really didn't know what to expect. It was an apartment, that much was a given, more like a loft actually, a rather spacious one with sleek-looking, modern furnishings, exercise equipment scattered about like weights to a full blown stand that had both a punching bag and a speed bag, and windows that provided a picturesque overhead view of a park just outside, though a bit on the messy side. She was a police officer, so, I don't know, I guess I was picturing a few of whatever's the closest equivalent to guns in this world strewn about, like atop the kitchen isle and the living room coffee table that was just littered with multiple coffee ring stains. Instead of weapons of any kind like I had thought, they were old magazines, news papers, and plates stacked atop plates of finished and partially finished food.

"Mother!" Tavi exclaimed once Highground returned to the living room after silencing her alarm clock, her expression and voice filled with disdain. "This place is absolutely dreadful! A pigsty! When was the last time you've tidied up around here!?"

"Eh," the bat mare sounded uncertain, yawning once more while she rubbed at her chin with a hoof, as if thinking it over. "Hmm, when was the last time you visited?"

Tavi half scoffed, half gawked at that answer. "More than a year!? Why haven't you cleaned up!?"

"Busy," she replied simply and lethargically with a carefree shrug, to which Tavi's response was to rub her temple while shaking her head in defeat.

"Ugh... They say the state of one's home often reflects their love life, which, if what I'm seeing here is anything to go by, I have much to worry about yours..."

"Hey," Highground mumbled, low and as if hurt. "I'm uh...I'm seeing somepony..."

Rolling her eyes, Tavi scoffed once more.

"Ha! If what you were going to say was 'my father' and 'from a distance though a set of binoculars' then no love life at all!" Setting her sights back on her mother, she leaned her head towards her while half-lidding her eyes in annoyance. "You know, if it wasn't for your badge, that'd technically be called stalking--professional stalking I might add..."

Her eyes low and her lips pursed, Highground slowly kicked an imaginary rock. "Hey, if paparazzi can do it, so can I... Besides, he'll slip up one of these days, I just know it... Have some hard evidence to rely on for once, and not some anonymous tip that led to a shoddy, circumstantial one that won't hold up in court like last time..."

Wait wait wait, this is kind of difficult for me to wrap my head around... So Highground knows that Tavi knows about her dad? Huh, geez, this is some complicated family dynamic right there, and no wonder Tavi was nervous on the train ride here. Also, it feels kind of, I don't know, off putting for me to be here while this conversation is taking place, especially when the mommy is trying to get the daddy behind bars.

As if knowing just how uncomfortable all this was making me, Tavi changed the subject with, "Hmm, well...since I'm here, and I see first-hoof what kind of filth you've been wallowing in since my absence, I suppose I can give this place a bit of a spruce, perhaps prepare you some breakfast before you head off to work; heaven's knows I get enough practice doing both, what with living with Vinyl and all."

Highground's ears perked as her face lit up a bit. "Oh, speaking of which, how's Vinyl doing?"

"Good," Tavi said, walking into the kitchen area, probably to assess the total extent of this mess. "She says 'Hey' and is still as eccentric as ever. She's at father's, actually."

"Oh." After a few moments of awkward silence, Tavi soon cleared her throat with a deliberately loud, 'Ahem', catching Highground's attention. "What?"

"Well...aren't you going to introduce yourself to Maurice here?" Tavi gestured her head towards me. "He's been standing there quietly for a while, and you've yet to do so."

No, Tavi, no! I was perfectly content with just standing here quietly!

After a pregnant pause, during which time Highground glanced at me from the corner of her eye, she released a breath she seemed to have been holding. "Do I have to?" she asked.

Raising an unamused brow, Tavi responded with, "Do you want your eggs scrambled, or not?"

Highground's eyes scanned the floor space between her daughter and herself, chewing at the inside of her cheek while appearing as if weighing her options. "Fine," she soon sighed out. Turning to me, she locked eyes with mine, pretty unenthusiastically, releasing a dull and simple, "Hey..."

I blinked before responding with, "Eh, hey..."

With that done, she immediately turned back to Tavi.

"Right, now that we've got pleasantries out of the way, I've got my morning exercises to take care off." Sitting on her haunches, her wings extended as she began stretching one foreleg behind her head before switching to the other, her joints audibly cracking with her movements. "Oh, and hun, some pepper and a bit of cilantro on those eggs, as well as a nice glass of orange juice would be much appreciated. Thanks, sweetie."

After just standing there, hoof tapping and lips pursed while staring at her mother stretch in the center of the living room, Tavi motioned me over with a subtle gesture of her head before walking into the kitchen area. Message received, yet still perplexed, I followed her there. Opening my mouth, I made to ask her a question, but my words died in my throat when she raised a hoof, wordlessly conveying for me to stay quiet. Taking a second to peek around me, she glimpsed at her mother. Turning to her myself, I spotted Highground occupied with--

Huh, whoa. She's uh...ok, so like, her forelegs are folded behind her back, yet she's doing push ups with her wings...

Tavi seeming satisfied with that, she walked over to the kitchen sink, turned it on, then began to wash the dirty dishes already in there as she signaled for me to get even closer. Standing right beside her, she made another head gesture, prompting me to crane my neck low and towards her in my confusion.

"Alright, so," she whispered in a volume that only I could hear, masking her voice with the clinking of dishes and the water's hiss. "I know this might be a bit of a stretch for you, but, as I prepare her breakfast, I'd appreciate it very much if you were to go out there and, I don't know, strike up a conversation with my mother." My eyes widened at that.

"Uh, Tavi...I don't think that--"

"I know, I know," she interrupted. "The incident with her in the alley has left you a bit...apprehensive in her presence, which is why I'm asking you to do this. Just have a little talk with her; get to know her and let her get to know you, at least a little. Granted, to those who don't know her as well as I do, she may appear to have this rugged, almost fenced off exterior, but deep down, once she opens up a bit, you'll find that she's not so bad."

"Eh, Tav--"

"Maurice!" she interrupted once more, pressing her nose against mine as she turned to face me. "Please, I only ask for this one favor! How are you to have a chance with her if you don't at least try to speak to her!"

Sliding a finger upwards in between our noses, I gently guided her head back before speaking.

"Um, that wasn't what I was going to say. What I was going to say was: I'll try--big emphasis on try there--but I don't have a clue as to what we can talk about."

"Oh," Tavi said, blushing. She cleared her throat before resuming. "Well, I'm sure there's some common interest you two can chew the fat over."

"Like?" I asked.

"Hmm...you wouldn't happen to have trained as a hoof-boxer, have you?"

I rubbed at the back of my head. "Eh, I took judo for a summer before quitting... Stopped because the instructor was getting a little too frisky for my tastes."

"Flying?"

"With what wings?"

"Have an interest in archery?"

"Strange, but I uh...I...like Legolas..."

"Weapons aficionado? Preferably of the bladed variety?"

"...What?"

"Prone to hurting somepony a bit excessively simply because they annoyed you just that tiny bit more?"

"Oh god!"

"Hmm...doughnuts?"

"Yes!" I exclaimed, immediately jumping on that before the next one was tiers worse. "Doughnuts, I fucking love doughnuts, alright! I'll go wing it with her already, so you can stop now!"

Smirking, Tavi set her sights back to the dishes in the sink. "Hm, good. Was starting to run out of things that were partially true..."

Oh...oh great... Partially true... Well, I'm definitely gonna have myself a gay ol' time...

Steeling what little of my will survived the narrowing process, I took a breath before heading into the living room area, standing a few good feet away from the bat pony as she was still in the middle of her wing push ups.

"Uh," I started, oh so awkwardly, "So I uh...I heard that--"

"Yeah, doughnuts, I know. They're free with coffee to ponies in uniform and who doesn't love 'em?" Highground interrupted in a dismissive tone, her exercise-labored words directed towards the floor as she began to...ah geez...she's one winging it now...

Surprised, I pulled my head back. "Huh, you--"

"Heard? Yeah. These pointy ears of mine aren't just for show." In a quick motion that I couldn't fully register, she switched wings, the stain her workout was putting her through being made evident by the beads of sweat starting to form on her forehead.

"Oh, so uh, you already know that--"

"That my Octav wants us to sit down and have ourselves a little meet 'n greet? Uh-huh..."

Planting her forelegs onto the floor, Highground moved herself upright, sitting on her haunches. Extending a folded wing over to the couch, she snagged a waiting towel with her clawed thumb-looking thing, draping it over her hoof and using it to wipe her brow of sweat while she spoke.

"Listen, I don't hate you, but I don't exactly like you either; you're not the first po--eh, person Octav's brought home to meet me and you sure as hell won't be the last." That's...encouraging... "Besides, even if I was inclined to chat, which I'm obviously not, I doubt we've got anything common to gib over, so the sooner you're out of my house, the more peachy I'll be." Finished with drying herself off, she tossed the towel back onto the couch, then turned to me with a roll of her eyes, sighing begrudgingly before saying, "But, and as much as it irks me the wrong way to say this, it wouldn't hurt to give my filly what she wants by at least humoring her for a bit. So go ahead, start with the yapping. I don't care about what."

Ok, um...I guess I've got one topic I'd like to get out of the way first...

"Alrighty, eh..." Hand rubbing at the back of my neck, my eyes wandered the room nervously while I tried to properly form my words. Catching her hoof thump the floor impatiently, I hurried it up to, "Ok, so, back when we first met--you know, like in the alley--you were kind of..."

Her expression stony, Highground raised a brow. "Of...?"

"You were kind of," my own brows furrowed in worry for how she'd respond, I rubbed at my side as I finished with, "excessive..."

After a few seconds of utter silence between the two of us, her face, much to my surprise, contorted into that of amusement.

"Ha!" she sounded in a low chuckle. "Compared to how rough I'm forced to get with the rowdy drunks I'm normally called in to detain, I think you got off pretty easy!"

"Still..." I said, a hint of resentment in my voice. "If the point of all that was to just pass off a message to Speakeasy--which, by the way, I did give to him--you could have just dropped by to the house and given it to Tavi instead. Or, better yet, you could have cut out the middle man and gone straight to him yourself."

"Nope, not an option." Getting up, she walked over to the speed bag and stood before it. Sitting back onto her haunches, she raised her forelegs up to it and began to pound at it almost perpetually with her hooves, the bag giving off a rapid series of 'thwack's as she spoke. "The second I'd show up there, he'd ask me out to dinner, I'd say no, he'd beg, I'd so no again, then it just becomes this whole thing. Besides, as for what went down in that alley..." ceasing her hoof strikes on the speed bag for one fleeting moment, she turned to me and zeroed in on my eyes, her own narrowing in an intimidating fashion as she said, "Anypony, especially coltfriends, who even thinks of doing my daughter wrong, well...they're more probable to rethink of doing so once they remember just what kind of mother is looking out for her..."

Physically, I was deathly still. Mentally however, well, I was tugging at my collar nervously... Seeing her turn her attention back to the speed bag and continue punching at it, I cringed a little, as it wound't be a stretch to imagine that red punching sack as my dangly bits...

Spotting an opportunity to change the subject, I coughed into my first before immediately did so.

"Actually, eh, now that you've mentioned it--other than the 'putting the scare in me' thing--um, I couldn't help but notice how uh, how loose you were with Tavi when talking about her father. You know, all that stuff about arresting him and junk..."

Still rolling her hoof punches, she shrugged. "Eh, Octav's always known. I tried to keep it hidden from her back when she was younger, but she was a pretty smart filly then; I like to think that's a little quirk she inherited from me. You uh...you already know about the whole situation between Speakeasy and me?"

"Um, not the whole thing, but he kinda gave me a rundown of it pretty recently."

"Hm," she sounded as if in thought. "Well, I suppose I can give you my own take on it. Though just the footnotes since I don't have all day and I've got work to go to soon.

"Family moved here from Hollow Shades when I was a teenager, attended the school here where I met Speakeasy but didn't really think much of him at the time, found out he and his dad ran the local bar when he didn't call out me and my friends out for our fake I.D.s, noticed that he one day stopped coming to school, I enrolled into the police academy after graduation where I soon passed that and became a rookie beat cop, things are A-ok for a few months, yada yada, I soon get chosen to help out with this sting operation where the dumb ass," she chuckled to herself, "the dumb ass suspect flat out admits his crimes to officers hiding in the room, we bust out and bust him and his croonies, I notice that one managed to slip away, I chase after his ass, fucker has me feeling like I'm doing cross country, I finally catch up to him and, just so my little speedster doesn't run off on me again, I cuff him to myself. He was my first real arrest right, and I couldn't have been more excited, but, and here's the real kicker, it starts to rain just then...like, violently.

"We take shelter under a bridge to wait it out, things get awkward quiet, so we start talking to pass the time. Turns out he was Speakeasy... Yeah, he tells me what happened, why he disappeared from school and what happened to his bar and I kinda felt sorry for the guy, I really did. He was down on his luck and I would have let him go if I had the cuff's key on me. Shit gets real quiet again after that, I catch him glancing at my flank every now and then, and I start thinking, 'Well shit, he's kind of cute, I guess'. One thing led to another...then another...then another after that until we both just pass out under that bridge from exhaustion.

"Ew," Tavi called from the kitchen area, where she was whipping something up over the stove. "Mother, please. I'd rather not be reminded that you and father had...relations..."

Highground smirked in her direction. "Well you probably shouldn't have orchestrated this little conference then! Besides," she lazily pointed a hoof in my direction, "you think I'm comfortable with the thought of you and Prince Blueblood here threading the needle? By the way, I'm kind of curious now and I can't exactly see with those leg sweaters he's got on. Does he have like a...like a spiked wangdoodle down there, or what?"

After a bit of silence, Tavi answered with, "Um...it's more like--" Wide eyed, Highground cut her off.

"Oh...my Celestia... You actually know... I was just joking when I asked..." Facehoofing, she lowered her head dejectedly as she shook her head. "Great... Sweetie, I love you, and I'll support whatever life decisions you make, but uh...yeah, I'm gonna need to drown that thought in booze after work... Maybe actually listen to Stella's drunken jabbering for once just to make sure it'd dead and buried in here..."

I'm debating as to whether or not I should take offence to this...

"Anyway," Highground said, turning back to punch at the speed bag again. "I wake up, he's gone, I don't follow, and I soon find out, after an extreme case of morning sickness, that I've got a bun in the oven. The uh, the rest should be pretty obvious by now: I track him down and tell him. He begs me to marry him, I say no, then go my separate way. So I'm thinking, 'that's sad, but that's that'--but!" Rolling her eyes, she then said, "Months later when I'm on maternity leave, I learn that a mass quantity of illegally imported drinks are flooding the market and that I'm going to be assigned the case once I'm off leave."

Just then, and much to my anxiousness, her punches had more force behind them, causing the entire stand to visibly shake with the impacts.

"A month before Octavia's birth however, some fancy high-class lawyer sent on Speakeasy's behalf shows up to my place and serves me joint custody papers... That's weird, right? He didn't have a bit to his name the last time I saw him, and suddenly he's got himself one of the best lawyers money can buy. It wasn't until after Octavi was born and I was assigned the smuggling case that I put two and two together...

Switching over to the punching bag, her next particularly hard punch had its stand teeter, as well as my nerve. "Speakeasy was the ringleader behind it! Of course I couldn't prove it, what with his smooth operation making it next to impossible to gather evidence without probable cause, but I couldn't just let him go! Yes, he's the father of my filly, yes his crime is practically victim-less, but it's still a crime a crime regardless and I'm a police officer! He was my mess--I let him go when I was a naive rookie fresh off the academy, so he was my responsibility to clean up, no pony else's! So I WAIT and WAIT for him to screw up, just waiting for the day I'll finally get him, no matter how long it takes!"

Sweaty and out of breath, she gave the bag one last punch before heading over to the couch. After retrieving her towel again and using it to dry her head, her eyes widened in surprise when she turned and spotted me. "Oh," she uttered, her voice having changed to a more calmer demeanor. "I uh...I almost forgot you were even here... Was kinda in my own little world for a while there, venting... Anyway, uh, I'm fine with waiting; because just like my cutie mark represents, I can be very, very patient..."

Jesus Christ, I thought, too stunned by her display to move so much as an inch. That was venting? Shit, I pray I never see what her yelling looks like...

"Say what you want about Speakeasy though," Highground continued. "He may be a crook, but at least he's been a great father to my filly, and I probably would have given him a real shot a long time ago if he was on the up and up." Rolling her eyes, she then said, "However, I wasn't exactly ecstatic when he tried to play matchmaker with our daughter, hoping to set her up with that Ledger kid of his in the hopes of marriage..."

Well that's interesting.

"Why?" I asked. "Do you think he's uh, not exactly clean himself?"

Highground shook her head. "No. As far as I can tell--unlike daddy dearest--he's on the straight and narrow, and he's set in line to take over Speakeasy's legitimate practices once he retires. Personally, I think no one is good enough for my Octav, but, if she ever decides to settle, then I guess Ledger wouldn't be such a bad pick." Glancing at me from the corner of her eye, she then shot me a raised, scrutinizing brow. "Which reminds me...what exactly do you have to offer to the table? Ledger's going to be a pretty loaded entrepreneur, and you...?"

My brain stalling on that question, my hands, for some reason, started nervously patting at my pockets. "Uh...I've got thirty two bits and blast processing..."

Of course I would say something as stupid as that... Whenever in the face of uncomfortable situations like this, my mind, completely unintentionally, would resort to spouting off some lame joke like that in an attempt to dispel the tension, even if it was a half-assed one that only I understood. Clearly my time here in Equestia hadn't broken me of that habit, and I doubt it will for a long time.

Straight faced, Highground made a not-so-amused snort as she turned to the kitchen. "What's the E.T.A on those eggs, hun?"

"Almost done!" Tavi answered joyously, turning back to us with a spatula in her hoof. "Get dressed and I shall have them ready for you on the table once you're done."

Nodding, Highground walked past me, into the little hallway, then presumably into her room. A minute or two later, she returned, breathing onto the badge pinned to her freshly pressed officer's uniform before wiping it with her hoof, giving it that certain shine.

"Sorry, honey, can't stick around," she said, adjusting her officer's cap atop her head. "Just got a look at the clock and saw that I'm running a bit late--gonna have to take your meal to go."

"Oh, alright..." Tavi said, her ears drooping slightly. I could tell through that little gesture that she wanted her mother to stick around a bit longer, most likely so she could chat with her over breakfast. Giving a small smile, her ears reperked, her hoof seizing a plastic container off a nearby shelf before scooping the eggs into it. Sealing it with the lid, she turned to her mother and offered it to her. "Well, a shame you have to go now, but I'll be sure to leave this place tidier than when I arrived, and I plan to drop by once more before returning to Ponyville."

"Aw," Highground sounded, approaching Tavi and nuzzling into the crook of her neck once she pulled her into a hug. "Thank you, honey... I'd like that."

Returning the hug with equal enthusiasm, Tavi looked in my direction, then, as if trying to signal something to me, had her eyes dart back and forth between her mother and myself. Lost, I cocked my head, conveying to her that I had no idea what she was trying to say. Rolling her eyes, Tavi then mouthed the words, 'The chocolates.'

The chocolates? What's that supposed to--oh, right! Kinda forgot I've been holding on to this the entire time. Shit, if I'm to give her a somewhat positive impression of me, then I've got to do it now before she heads to work.

Clearing my throat, I neared the two right as they began to separate.

"Here, uh, for you." Cautiously outstretching my hand to Highground, I offered her the shoebox sized, ornately-decorated carton. Removing its lid, I took note on how her eyes lit up when she spotted the decadent, nut-topped little confections held within. "I uh...I hope you like them."

"Hmm," Highground hummed, her eyes going from the box to myself, almost as if gauging my worth. "Well," she shrugged, "it's a bit early for sweets, and I have't had breakfast yet, but what the hell." Snagging a chocolate with her wing's thumb, she plopped it into her mouth, then began to chew. "Mmm, this is pretty good. Rich, sweet, a bit...chewy? Huh, is there something in this?" Slowly, very slowly, her face showed distaste as she chewed. "Ok...now it's a...now it's getting a little too sweet. Almost tastes like..."

Just then, with her eyes splaying wide enough for me to see the red streaks in her tired golden eyes, she sat on her haunches and raised her head to face the ceiling as she began to choke, her wing thumbs and hooves clawing at her throat desperately.

"Mother! What's wrong!?" Tavi questioned, staring at her mother in terrified bewilderment.

The corners of her eyes tearing, Highground managed to force a reply through her stifled gags and retches. "P...P...Pineapple!"

"What! Pineapple!? Maurice!" Tavi shouted as she turned sharply to me. "Is there pineapple in those chocolates!?"

As if being told the box in my hand was a murder weapon, I stared at it in shock before shaking my head at her in a panic. "W-What!? N-No! I mean--I don't know! Oh God, she's not allergic, is she!"

"No!" Tavi answered unblinkingly as she shook her head, dumbfounding me. Getting up, Highground ran frantically towards the sink, leaning over it before spitting out what remained of the chocolate. "She just really, really hates them..."

What? I thought, my head cocking and face contorting to match that statement. I hate them on my pizza, yeah, but geez Louis, this woman's acting as if her parent's were gunned down by them in an alley!

Using a hoof to wipe her mouth of brown drool, Highground stared contemptibly at me from the corner of her eye. "Thanks for that...no really...thank you..."

Well shit, I thought, laying flat atop Tavi's bed back in Speakeasy's place, palm on my forehead as I relived the incident over and over again. If I had zero points with Highground before, then there's no doubt that I'm definitely in the negatives now...

As much as I would love to go to sleep and simply forget all of what transpired hours ago, it's not late enough into the night for me to even be remotely tired. Thankfully however, a nice little distraction came about when I heard someone announcing themselves by knocking on the open door to the room.

Not bothering to see who it was, I said, "Sorry Tavi, but I've got a headache right now. And uh, if you're not her, but instead looking for her, then I think she's still chatting with the other's in the dinning room..."

"Actually, I came for you."

Perplexed by the male voice, I removed my hand from my face, lifted my head, and discovered Hops standing there just outside the doorway.

"Ah geez," I grumbled, letting my head fall back listlessly onto the pillow. "Speakeasy doesn't want a word with me, does he?"

"No, somepony's at the front door looking for you. Um, could you hurry there, please? Amber's there and it's getting a bit...well... just please hurry."

Wondering who could be looking for me so late at night, I slid my legs off the bed, then got up, following the green earthpony down the halls and to the front entrance. Reaching our destination, I was perplexed by what I saw.

“...excuse me?” a bat pony asked, dumbfounded. Her familiar, Scottish-sounding accent grew much more prominent as her irritation increased. “Now… go over again why the fuck you haven’t let me in and by extension, why I haven’t broken yer jaw?”

“Priva’e residence, tha's why,” Amber answered simply, her forelegs crossed over her chest and her wings flared as she obstructed the batpony from entering. “Only those invi’ed by Speakeasy can en’er ‘is ‘ome...and frankly, I don’ ‘xactly like the looks of ya…”

The mare, who I think i was starting to recognize, nodded her head upward in perfect understanding, a knowing smile breaking out over her face.

“Ahh! Right! Private residence!” she said pointedly, swinging her hoof in front of her chest. “Then by all means, do carry on!” She moved to turn around and go her own way, but suddenly stopped dead in her tracks as if she had an epiphany. “Oh wait! I literally don’t give a fuck! Piss off before all four of my hooves take ‘private residence’ up yer arse,” she closed in, undeterred.

To Amber's credit, she didn’t seem to flinch, choosing to remain and stand her ground.

“Yeah, scary~ Listen, I li’erally, don’ give a fuck who you are; anypony could just waltz up here with your claims. Now, unless you piss off me boss’s property, I’ll be forced to remove you m’self.”

The bat mare nearly busted out laughing, averting her gaze while covering her muzzle with her hoof… but the attempt was futile; she gave into her guffaw.

“Oohh… whew! Sorry ‘bout that, mate. I just can’t take ya fuckin’ seriously with your shite accent,” she said, giggling. “Oh, but yah, nae. I’d love tae see ya fuckin’ try, cunt… I’m an elite in Her Majesty’s Lunar Guard,” her demeanor darkened but still held its ever-confident smirk.

“Ha,” Amber sounded in amusement with a rise of her shoulders. “An eli’e guard you say? Well I used to be a filly scou' in me youth, ye' you don’ see me flaun’ing tha'.”

“Well that explains yer lot in life,” the mare gestured to Amber and her surroundings. “You have one last chance to get the fuck outta me way, ya sack of cum, before I give you a fuckin’ spine-ectomy.”

“And I’m giving you one las' chance to piss off before I take tha' ‘spine-excotmy' gob shite of yours and exchange it for your fuckin’ facial recons'ruction, ya cun-t” Amber countered, enunciating her accent's normally silent T just to show how serious she was being.

Shrugging, the mare cracked her hoof.

“Suit yerself!”

Right as Amber took a step forward, Hops, thankfully, intervened, moving to stand in between the two, keeping them both apart at foreleg’s length

“Ladies, ladies,” he said, hoping to defuse the situation. “Let’s not allow this to come to blows, especially when you both have so much in common!”

“Really, Hops?” Amber asked, her eyes narrowed at the bat pony. “And wha' exactly would I have in common with a piss an' like her?”

“Eh," he uttered, sounding unsure as he looked back and forth between the two. "You’re both from...Trottingham?”

“What!?” Both mares shouted in unison, Hops' ears flattening as he flinched.

Of all the things said so far, the bat mare actually looked offended at that.

“Nah, I’m actually from ‘Get fucked, you fuckin’ poof, tosser, shitmongler,’” the batpony stated, directing her full ire to the Hops, shaking her head. “Trottingham… I’ll remove yer bollocks through yer fuckin’ mouth, you cheeky cunt.”

Shoving Hops aside, Amber went face to face with Stella, the two mares practically headbutting. “Don’ ya threaten my posh idio',” she warned. “Only I can do tha'…”

Ok, ok...this is getting a little out of hand.

Not wanting this to escalate any further, I coughed loudly into my fist, announcing my presence. Her ears perking at the sound of that, the mare's face brightened the instant her eyes caught sight of me.

“Ah! Viceroy Dickface finally shows!”

After looking around the foyer and failing to spot a pony responding to that name, I it was me she was referring to.

“Uh...hey,” I greeted, the batmare shoving past a very triggered-looking Amber as she approached me.

“This,” she fished out an envelope sealed in wax from her coat and allowed me to take it from her mouth. “Is for you; official business or some other royal fuckin’ government bullshit, I’unno honestly.”

With her job apparently done, she walked back outside, passing by Amber with a smug air about her, then stretching out and flaring her leathery wings.

“Uh, thanks." Just then, with a snap of my fingers, I remembered where I last saw this mare. "Oh! Stella, right? You were there at the castle last night when I visited Luna.”

“Aye,” she nodded, giving a half-hearted salute as she turned away. “Now if you’ll all excuse me, I’m gonna fuck off so I don’t have to eviscerate this fat piece o’ shit,” Stella pointed nonchalantly towards Amber, trotting past her and Hops.

In response, Amber scoffed in amusement. “Ha, fa' piece of shite, you say? I wouldn’' be one to talk, not when you’ve got yourself some hideously obese haunches there. Glass houses and all tha'.”

“Uh huh, whatever helps you sleep at night. And you shut the fuck up,” she added menacingly towards the latter stallion.

Wide eyed, Hops stared back and forth between the hoof inches away from his face and her. Stella grinned victoriously and shot a look back to Amber over her shoulder, still gesturing to the stallion.

“Keep ‘im on a leash.”

Maintaining eye contact with her, Amber grinned. “Why? It’s already shor' enough as it is, and the poor lad could use the exercise…”

“Heh, yer tellin’ me, mate,” Stella lightly chortled. “Yer alright, Barley.”

“Eh, excuse me?" Amber questioned as she cocked her head. "I don’ 'xactly recall introducing m’self…” Stella giggled heartily behind the cover of a hoof. Unamused, Amber rolled her eyes. “Ah whatev's. Hey, the ape here called ya Stella, righ’?”

“Aye… but to answer yer next question: fuck you, that’s how,” she answered simply. She then spread her wings and hovered in place, but she of course needed to have the final word before flying off into the night. “See ya, you scrotey fucks!”

Once she flew off and was out of sight, Amber spoke. “Well, I don’ know ‘bout the rest of ya, but I think that cun’ was qui'e charming… What?” she soon asked, noticing that Hops was staring at her in disbelief.

"So," Hops said with a clop of his hooves, putting everything that just happened behind him as he turned to me. "What exactly's in that envelope? I'd like to know what I was almost killed over."

"Hmm," I hummed, inspecting it.

Well, whatever it is, it was sent by Luna, as, other than the fact that it was personally delivered by one of her guard, the wax keeping it sealed was impressed with the her crescent moon sigil. Slipping my finger under the seem, I tore it open, then shook out its contents onto my waiting hand. Seconds later, I was at a complete loss when three golden tickets plopped out of it.

Saving the added letter that was in it for later, I held them up and was confused by why Hop's and Amber had agape-mouthed expressions at the sight of them.

"Uh...I don't know what kind of Chuck E Cheese I'm supposed to redeem these at, but I am so tempted to sing 'I've Got A Golden Ticket'..."

Author's Note

A big thanks to Flammenwerfer for providing Stella's colorful narrative.

Oh, and here's an image sketch of Highground done by crispytee. Colored by Ravvij.

Here's my patreon. Come on guys, I'd really like to go to my first ever convention. Babscon.