The clock chimes the same lame tune as the time reaches two in the afternoon. You sip mountain dew from your teacup in anticipation.
"Any second now..."
Faster than a stupid bubble-popping shitty mobile game gains money after a not openly homosexual youtuber plays it, the door explodes in.
Before you stands Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Twilight, Rarity, and a hat.
Applejack angrily shouts up into the sky, "I'm more than a hat, darn it!"
Fluttershy smiles at you. "Um, we're here to challenge you to another duel."
She immediately blushes and looks away while dragging her muddy hoof on your floor like a raging turbo-autist.
"I mean, i-if that's okay with you..."
So a little backstory here; Fluttershy wants the dick. Her friends want her to be happy, so they try helping her.
After a crazy party involving a dolphin show, a fuck ton of prank calls to Saddle Arabia which may result in a mass bombing of friendship, and hotboxing an entire house, you told her something she's never forgotten. You said that if she wins a duel against you at anything, she can fuck you.
Why do that?
Not like you can remember, you were too fucking baked to care.
You yawn and put your tea cup down on the coffee table, turning to face the little yellow hellspawn currently suppressing her urge to grind her slopping wet cunt on your tongue with the helpful assistance of her friends.
"What do you propose?"
Twilight walks forward, spreading her wings as if to rub it in your face that she now has them, and clears her throat.
"We decided to settle this as any group of perfectly logical equine friends would."
Suddenly the six of them are across from you and all of you stand on some huge stage with buzzers in front of you.
A loud booming voice calls out, "WELCOME TO FRIENDLY FUED!"
You nearly shit your pants in terror and dart your eyes back and forth.
"Wait, how the fuck did we get-"
The voice shouts again, "ON THE LEFT, WE HAVE THE INFAMOUS ELEMENTS OF HARMONY!"
All of them do a pose for the audience of six cows and a bucket of paint wearing a top hat.
Above their heads appears “Elements of Harmony” in big flashing gold.
"AND ON THE RIGHT, WE HAVE..."
The booming voice coughs a little.
"UHHH... What's your name again?"
"It's Anon, you fuckwit."
He starts up again, "ON THE RIGHT WE HAVE ANON YOUFUCKWIT!"
Above your head appears "Anon Ufukwit".
"Fuck."
"NOW PLEASE WELCOME OUR HOSTESSES... PRINCESS CELESTIA AND PRINCESS LUNA!"
Princess Celestia walks out alongside Princess Luna, and Derpy flutters in behind them.
The perfect pony princesses proceed proudly to the platform, standing side by side. Derpy sits in front of the stand and tries not to make eye contact with the cows.
Princess Celestia looks at you as if you're a tiny bit of corn buried in the shit currently stuck to the bottom of her hoof and asks, "Why are you here?"
You shrug.
"You cannot be here without at least four members. It's called Friendly Fued for a reason."
"Well I don't have any friends, so it looks like I can't participate. See ya la-"
You are stopped from moving by Twinkle Spinkle's purple magic.
“...Damn it.”
Fluttershy hovers over to you.
"Oh, don't worry honey, I brought some of your friends from my home over to help you."
She smiles sincerely at you, making you think there could be something in this pony that might be worth your time. Perhaps you've been wrong and the entire time she's just been acting out of place to get closer to you and learn how to be your true love. Maybe all of this is just a big misunderstanding, and the two of you will laugh about the crazy antics she used to pull way back when at a candle-lit dinner in a cabin out in the Everfree...
She pulls Angel out of her vagina and plops him down right in front of you.
Never mind.
She then hums a small tune and a bear bursts through the wall behind you. He walks up to your left and takes a seat, crushing it with his weight.
As if all this was not enough, she flies over to the right of you and squats down. You watch in disgust and horror as a massive horsecock dildo is pushed out of her rectum. It flops out and squirts a little cum onto the platform it lays on.
You blink slowly. This is your life.
Princess Celestia clears her throat.
"Well, now that both teams can participate, it's time to get this show on the road!"
The cow audience cheers with moos and the paint bucket stares in agony.
Luna speaks, "For the first question, Anonymous and Twilight please step forward."
You walk around the stands in front of you and go up to the platform with the red buttons. Twilight does the same, now standing directly in front of you.
Celestia reads from a card, "What is the best response when dealing with a break up?"
Twilight slams her hoof on the button before you and smiles as she speaks with pride, "It's not you, it's me."
Celestia turns around to the huge screen with five blank answers and shouts, "It's not you, it's me!"
A big red X appears on the screen and Twilight sulks immediately.
The sister fister princesses both turn to you, the white one leaning in a bit before asking, "Your answer?"
"Get the fuck out of my face."
She turns to the screen, "Do we have a get the fuck out of my face?"
The third answer flips around to reveal the exact words you just said.
Neat.
The dark horse points back to your side and you return there. Derpy, who had most likely been forgotten about by everyone at this point, follows you over with a microphone.
She holds it up to you, her hooves shaking with fear not unlike a little girl forced to wear a bunny outfit and eat only semen out of a bowl while locked in a pedophilic psychopath's basement.
Her voice trembles as she speaks, "S-so how are you today?"
"Shut the fuck up and let's get this over with, I think I feel a shit forming."
"U-um, okay."
She moves down the line to Angel who tries to rub Fluttershy's vaginal discharge off himself, but only makes it worse by rubbing it deeper into his fur.
"What about you?"
He stomps as hard as he can and gags when it makes a squish sound. The Derp Knight steps back a little and moves to the front of the pack where the bear stands.
"Well um... Bear. What is the best response when dealing with a break up?"
The bear roars as loud as he can in Derpy's face, sending her mane flying back and keeping it that way due to the saliva. She locks up in absolute terror, unable to move.
Celestia turns to the screen. "Show us roar!"
Roar appears at the bottom of the list with a light ding. The audience cheers with more mooing and pained silence, snapping Derpy out of her mentally unstable state.
She quickly scoots along to Angel and holds him the mic.
"What is the b-b-best response when d-dealing with a b-break up?"
He waves his arm to try getting some of Fluttershy's surprisingly sweet scented jungle juice off himself. It flies off his arm and splats against Derpy's face, a tad bit entering her nostrils and mouth.
She immediately bends over and begins wretching.
Sailor Moon horse turns to the screen. "Spray vaginal discharge, show thyself!"
The second answer reveals itself to be spray vaginal discharge.
Derpy finishes emptying her stomach onto the floor in front of you and stands, barely able to keep herself up. You ready yourself to be asked again when she nears the three of you, but she moves down the line.
"What the-"
She stops in front of the horse cock still dripping and holds the mic up to it.
"What is the best,” she takes a deep breath, "...response when dealing with a break up?"
The rubber shlong simply lays there because it cannot speak.
Princess Sunny D turns around. "Survey says..."
The first answer on the list flips around, revealing the word "Silence".
The crowd goes apeshit as you barely manage to stop yourself from having an aneurysm.
Derpy rises to her hooves and gives you the mic, not even trying at this point. Too bad you don't really have an answer. You fiddle with the mic as some cows and the paint bucket watch you.
Well, fuck. Hopefully you can make something up on the spot. You're not too bad at that anyway.
"Shit your pants."
...really? Guess you're gonna get fucked by a long yellow and pink futa cock conjured up by Twiggle Spiggle's magic, you fucking idiot.
Luna and Celestia both turn around to the screen and yell together, "SHIT YOUR PANTS!"
The fourth answer turns around to reveal shit your pants. You slowly shake your head as the crowd cheers and squirts milk out of their stomach titties.
Derpy is laying on the ground in front of your stand, physically unable to take anymore of this bullshit.
Celestia points above your head. "You've earned 3000 points, which is just enough to push this match into it's final stage!"
"What the fuck man, we only did one round."
Applejack shouts from across the room.
"Yeah, it's almost like some higher power don't wanna spend no more time workin' on a more developin' story."
Everyone stops to think about this for a second.
Celestia breaks the silence, "You're right, it does seem a bit strange that we would progress so quickly for no reason."
She points to the main six and yells, "The Elements of Harmony now have 3000 points!"
The crowd cheers again and sprays a bit of milk and paint at you.
You yell at them, "What the fuck?! COME ON!"
The Great White Arse smiles and raises her voice, attracting everyone's attention again, "This is a sudden death game, so each team must choose one representative to participate."
The mane six huddle together.
You turn to the bear who is staring blankly forward, then to the angry rabbit wringing out his ears, and finally the dildo that has made quite a large puddle for its size. With a sigh, you walk around the platforms and go to the middle.
Fluttershy meets you there. How cliche.
Celery Tribe and Lunar Lander stand in front of you both with clipboards and pencils.
They give them to you and Cellphone explains the objective.
"You have to write down the answers to these five simple questions. Whoever gets closest to the most desirable answer per question will win."
You ready your pencil and sigh. This is for your virginity, you stupid asshole.
Loony Tunes speaks.
"The first question is... What color are Anon's boxers?"
"What the fuck?"
She glares at you, "No speaking, only writing."
Well whatever, it should be pretty easy to... Uh... Why the fuck can't you remember this?
THEY'RE YOUR OWN FUCKING BOXERS. JESUS CHRIST.
Fuck it man, just write something.
You scribble down dark blue and the Super Sadistic Sungod says the next question.
"While running for your life, you stumble upon a janitor's closet. What do you choose from there to defend yourself?"
Obvious as fuck.
You write down mop.
Fluttershy takes a bit longer than you this round.
Luna reads the next one, "Yes or no?"
...
WHAT THE FUCK?! HOW ARE YOU EVEN SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THIS?! IS THIS ENTIRE GAME RIGGED TO MAKE YOU LOSE?!
You write down yes in anger and confusion.
Celestia goes again, "How do you fight a monster you cannot see?"
You write down a grenade.
Finally, the two sisters speak the last question out simultaneously, "Who would be most likely to rape Anon?"
You look at Fluttershy briefly before allowing your pencil to hit the paper.
This has to be a trick question. There's no way they would just give this to you. Especially not with that kind of build up.
You look over at the ponies in the Elements of Harmony group. All of them look at you except for Rainbow who tries her hardest to look away.
Fuck it. You're gonna get raped anyway, might as well take a shot in the dark.
You write down Rainbow Dash just as a loud buzzer is sounded off above you. Celestine takes Nutterbutter's clipboard and pencil, and Loona takes yours.
Sun goddess speaks, "For the first question we asked what color Anon's boxers are."
You shake your head.
"Fluttershy wrote black."
Luna speaks now.
"Anonymous wrote dark blue."
Your pants are quickly pulled down by golden magic.
"H-HEY!"
You look down and see that your boxers are black.
The cows and paint bucket in the crowd erupt with another wave of laughter, milk, and depression.
"God fucking damn it..."
Quickly pull them up to silence the audience's laughter. The screen up behind the princesses shows your face and Fluttershy's next to it.
Below your face is a zero and below hers is a twenty.
Luna catches your attention with her voice, "The second question was what do you choose from a janitor's closet to defend yourself."
She holds up the clipboard, "Anonymous wrote a mop."
Celestia reads hers, "Fluttershy wrote a broom."
That was surprisingly tame.
You look up at the scoreboard and see that she has earned another seventeen points while you only earned six.
"What kind of fucking grading system is this anyway?"
Ignoring what you've just said, Celestia speaks, "The third question was yes or no."
Alright, this one is just fucking stupid.
"Fluttershy wrote no."
"Anonymous has written yes."
You look up at the board and see that you've gained forty points while Fluttershy has gained none.
...
Fuck logic! Free points are fucking sweet!
Luna reads off the next one. "The fourth question was how do you fight a monster you cannot see?"
She reads off the clipboard now, "Anonymous has written a grenade."
Celestia reads the other, "Fluttershy wrote with love."
Gay as fuck, how do you even fight with love?
You look at the board.
God fucking damn this unholy world. She has just obtained one hundred points while you gained one.
Celestia chuckles once seeing your expression and comes to a conclusion, "Due to the massive landslide, I think we should triple the value of the last question's answer to give Anonymous a fighting chance."
“Thank fuck.”
You breathe deeply. If she wins this round, she gets to fuck you. Fuck this is so tense.
Luna reads the last question.
"For triple the points now, we asked which pony is most likely to rape Anon."
Sweat begins to form on your forehead as Celestia decides to read Fluttershy's first.
"Fluttershy wrote her own name."
A lot of ooohs and moos come from the audience behind you.
A one hundred appears on the board and turns into three hundred for Fluttershy.
Well... It's been fun.
Luna holds up the clipboard and clears her throat.
Fuck. Here goes.
"Anonymous has written," she pauses for a dramatic effect, “Rainbow Dash."
Everyone looks at Rainbow Dash who freezes on the spot.
Her eyes go wide once seeing everyone staring at her. She then coughs and looks away from them. "Uh, heheh, I'd never do that!"
Everyone stares harder.
She blushes extremely hard and glares at you. "Look, it's not like I like you o-or something... I just came onto this show with Fluttershy to help her win you over and I totally won't cry tonight when she has you all by herself! S-stupid..."
Jesus.
Fucking.
Christ.
You look up at the board which shows an eight hundred on your side before turning into two thousand four hundred points. Fluttershy doesn't even notice you as she continues to stare at Rainbow.
Celestia and Luna raise your hands and shout together.
"The winner of Friendly Fued is Anon Ufukwit!"
Confetti is fired around your three other so called members. The loud popping sounds startle the bear who slams his arm on the platforms in front of him.
Celestia and Luna release you and turn to the bear. The bear slams into them, clawing away like an Ethiopian child would if placed in front of a present and told there was a large meal inside.
Fluttershy snaps and flies over at Rainbow Dash angrily, and all of their friends try to break up the fight. Some heifer in the audience throws a chair and they all begin fighting. They knock over the paint bucket in the process, freeing him of the torment of daily life by spilling his innards over the chairs.
You casually stroll past the massacre of the pretty pony princesses via bear and go to Derpy who groans on the ground. You kneel down to her as utter chaos and destruction happens around you.
"So, wanna fuck?"
She barely manages a nod and you scoop her up, going back home to take a shit and have a good time.
In a way, today was a good day.
Author's Note
In loving memory of paint bucket
2015-2015
where were you when paint was spill?
