First Chapter of Our Glorious Leader
There is a fact concerning Equestria: the sun always rises at a little after six in the morning. This is because Celestia usually wakes up right after six in the morning to go about her royal duties. (Fortunately, she also goes to sleep at about seven, otherwise she’d be really cranky.)
Which left everypony wondering why it was light out at three in the morning.
“SISTER! We have come to request that you join us in the divine art of MINECRAFT! We have particularly good ideas for an AUTOMATED MOB FARM!” Celestia failed to realize it was three hours earlier than normal until the sun was already at high noon.
“Luna…what time is it?”
“Adventure Time!”
Why do I even ask… Celestia rolled out of bed and slipped into her gold horseshoes, barely awake enough to tell the left ones from the right. She teleported to the hall, realized she’d forgotten her necklace, and walked back into her room, looking rather put out.
Luna was already in her pitch-black room, attempting to play on two servers at once.
“Luna!” shouted Celestia. “It’s supposed to be three in the morning, and now it’s noon. While I appreciate the offer, I need to keep within a certain schedule!”
“Can’t hear you,” replied Luna. “The creeper has blown up my house again! I shall seek revenge!”
Chapter One-Point-One: In Which Celestia Suffers from Insomnia
After removing the sun from the night sky, Celestia went back to her room and majestically lowered herself into bed.
She closed her eyes and tried to sleep.
“Derpy! What hast thou done with the royal Sharpness Five sword?!”
“I just dunno what went wrong, Luna!”
“Why does it have but THREE DURABILITY REMAINING?”
“It was like this when I got it, I swear!”
Celestia shut her door, barricaded it, locked the windows, and cast a protective bubble around her bed.
“There…sleep shall come easily now…”
“TO HAY WITH YOU, ZOMBIES! TASTE MY FLAME II!!”
Celestia cast a second protection and stuffed a pillow over her head.
“DERPY, NO, DON’T GO THROUGH THERE!”
One pillow became three.
“DIE, ENDER DRAGON! IF WE DIE, DERPY, THIS IS YOUR FAULT!”
“Sorry!”
Celestia teleported to the Zecora’s house in the Everfree forest.
“Please, tell me that you have a bed ready,” she said to the sleepy zebra.
“Have a bed I do, Princess, but only one, no more, no less.”
Celestia sighed.
“I’ll take it.”
Chapter One-Point-Two: In Which Celestia Eats Breakfast
Celestia returned to the castle to find that Luna had prepared breakfast. “Thank you, sister,” she said upon seeing Luna. “I suppose it compensates for the lack of sleep I have suffered from.”
“Yeah, well, if Bon Bon hadn’t set fire to the house and lost all the beds…” Luna snickered. “It was so much fun to test the royal Power V bow on her afterwards…”
Celestia took no notice of her sister’s indecipherable chatter, instead focusing on the meal in front of her. “Waffles?” she asked. “But we do not have a waffle iron.”
“Pinkie brought hers over. She helped bake them,” replied Luna.
Celestia looked down at her waffles.
“I guess that does explain why the waffles are colored like Rainbow Dash.”
Chapter One-Point-Three: In Which Celestia Goes on a Walk around the Canterlot Gardens
The Canterlot gardens are known for their exquisite artwork, incredible view of the castle, and rich history.
It was through these gardens that Celestia decided to take a morning walk, to clear her still-slightly-drowsy head.
“I never really took the time to walk around here before,” she said to herself, admiring the magnificent white marble statues. “At least, not since the Discord incident…” She eventually came across a rather curious statue in the corner of the garden.
It wasn’t blinding white and majestic, like the others. Instead, it was a dull gray. The statue was of a pony with a broken horn and a limp, lifeless mane, brushed over one side like a wet tissue. The pony appeared to have slightly darker stripes, like a zebra, as well as a cutie mark in the shape of a single, gray circle, with no distinct markings whatsoever. As a whole, the statue conveyed an overpowering sense of boredom bordering on depression.
“Wow,” said Celestia. “Why would anypony construct such a depressing work of art?”
A crack appeared in the leg of the statue.
Chapter One-Point-Four: In Which Celestia Investigates a Disturbing Claim
“You’re sure you can do something about it?” asked Twilight.
Celestia nodded. “It shouldn’t take more than an hour.”
“Good,” replied Twilight. “I was worried for a second. But whatever you do, don’t open the box! For Celestia’s—your—sake, don’t open it!”
“Very well,” replied Celestia. “But what is that powder in the corner?”
“Um…baking soda? Pinkie was over.”
“Oh.”
Celestia cast a magical search spell. A map of Equestria appeared, which then shrank to a map of Ponyville, then to a map of the five or six houses surrounding Twilight’s.
A red dot appeared on one of the trees outside the library.
“Thanks so much, Princess!” said Twilight. “Could you…uh…go get it? I don’t want to be caught—I mean, I have some books to rearrange!”
Celestia gave Twilight a look, then trotted out of the library and retrieved a black package tied up with twine from a hole near the tree.
She was about to hand it to Twilight when Spike suddenly burst out of nowhere, exclaiming, “Twilight! The princess is coming! You’d better hide the—“
The box flew to the ground and its contents spilled everywhere.
“Oh, no, oh, no, no, no…” Twilight rushed outside and attempted to scoop everything back into the box. “You didn’t see anything!”
Celestia picked up one of the packets.
“Twilight? I wasn’t aware you stole sugar from restaurants.”
“I like it on my hayburgers, okay?!”
Chapter One-Point-Five: In Which Celestia Fills In
“The pencils are over there, the rulers there, and if anypony asks to use the restroom during a test, say no, okay?”
“I’m sure it won’t be a problem,” replied Celestia.
“Oh, thank you,” replied Cheerilee. “Do you know how hard it is to find a decent substitute, what with everypony off doing things all the time?”
This was supposed to be my day off, thought Celestia.
“It’ll only be for an hour while I go to an important meeting with Sweetie Belle’s sister Rarity,” said Cheerilee. “She tried bungee jumping from the top of the flagpole to get her cutie mark! Come to think of it, how’d she get up there in the first place…”
Cheerilee left the room, and Celestia walked to the front of the class, stooping to avoid embedding her horn in the normal-height-for-most-ponies-but-extremely-low-for-Celestia ceiling.
“Hello, class, my name is—“
“CELESTIA?! The Princess Celestia?! Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!”
Celestia was immediately surrounded by a dozen young fillies.
“Will you sign my math notes?”
“Why do your hooves smell funny?”
“Is that your real mane?”
“Does it hurt to raise the sun every morning?”
“Did you ever get your horn stuck in a door? I did once.”
“Your wings feel like velvet!”
“I’ll pay you money to come to my next birthday party!”
“Could you do a pose? I wanna take a picture.”
“Could you use your magic to give me my cutie mark?!”
Big Macintosh suddenly appeared in Celestia’s stead, with a note floating down from the place where she’d vanished from.
“Just lock the doors and keep them ALL inside this building. –Celestia”
Chapter One-Point-Six: In Which Celestia Goes to the Spa
Celestia decided that the best place to erase the memories of the morning was at the spa, which was currently giving away free massages to anypony who went for the mud bath and the seaweed wrap.
“I’ll just have…” Celestia scrolled down the scroll, reading the options.
“Everything, please.”
“That’ll be—“ The secretary looked up and saw who she was talking to.
“Free! Completely free! In fact, feel free to take as much as you want from the tip jar on your way out!”
Celestia removed her formal attire and sank into the steaming hot tub.
“Ahhh…I wonder why I don’t come here more often?”
“Celestia? Is that you?”
Rarity lowered herself in next to the princess.
“Forgive my enthusiasm, but I’m not used to seeing you here, your highness!”
“Celestia is fine.”
“Celestia! In fact, I thought that the castle had its own spa? Did they get rid of that? Oh, if they did, please tell them to bring it back. It was simply delightful!”
“No, I was just in the neighborhood.”
“Oh, good! Say, do you think you could have them lower the price a bit? I don’t really want to have to save up five hundred bits every time…”
“The spa is free.”
“Really? Than who was I paying…?”
Celestia rose out of the hot tub, and Rarity immediately turned away.
“What? Is there soap in my mane?”
“No, sorry, it’s just that I’ve never seen you…disrobed…before.”
Celestia looked down at herself.
“All I did was take off my necklace and horseshoes…”
Chapter One-Point-Seven: In Which Celestia Helps Out
“Celestia! Didn’t see ya there! What can I do for you?”
Celestia walked onto Sweet Apple Acres, basking in the scent of fresh apple fritters.
“I was simply taking a walk to relax,” she replied. “What a lovely scent! Are those freshly baked?”
“Sure are,” replied Applejack. “But they’re not done. We still need a few more apples for the sauce. Big Mac’s gone mysteriously missing—“ Celestia tried not to blush “—and Applebloom’s gone off with her friends to get their cutie marks in—eurgh—a hazmat team.”
“I wouldn’t mind helping out,” said Celestia. “It wouldn’t hurt to try something new once in a while.”
"I'm not insultin' ya, but do you know how to buck apples, Princess?"
Celestia shrugged. "I enjoy trying new things. What could happen?"
------One Hour Later------
“I think we might need the Cutie Mark Crusaders Hazmat Team,” said Applejack, desperately defending herself with a nasty-looking pitchfork covered in maple syrup and raisins.
Chapter One-Point-Eight: In Which Celestia Has Lunch
Once the airships were swept away and the sinkhole filled with raspberries, Celestia decided it was time for lunch.
“Excuse me, could you recommend a place for lunch?”
The Cutie Mark Crusaders put down their glue guns and looked up at the princess.
Sweetie Belle grew a smile that almost caused a timberwolf that was lurking nearby to have a heart attack.
“I might know a place…”
Soon Celestia was sitting in a slightly sticky booth at the Hayburger, waiting for her Triple Clopper and side of fries. As she took a moment to stare at her reflection in the mirrored walls of the diner, Sweetie Belle stood outside, selling 100-bit tickets to enter the restaurant.
Celestia’s order arrived just as Diamond Tiara managed to fork nearly thirty thousand bits over to the Crusaders in exchange for the booth next to Celestia.
Celestia picked up the burger and turned it around, trying to decide which side would be the best to bite into.
As soon as her teeth touched the crispy bun, nearly two hundred photographs were taken in the course of four seconds.
Half an hour and five bits for the meal later, Celestia walked outside to find the front of the restaurant transformed into a red carpet leading to a magnificent stage with the name “Rarity and Co.” engraved on the side.
“Borrowed my sister’s stage,” said Sweetie Belle. “Ready for your makeup and perm?”
Celestia considered freeing the Jabberwocky from the peanut butter and honey.
Then she remembered what had happened to Granny Smith’s walker.
Chapter One-Point-Nine: In Which Celestia Goes to Sleep
The rest of the day passed as usual; Celestia wandered around Ponyville, occasionally stopping to have a quick chat (which was usually started with a chorus of “Your Majesty!”) Celestia barely noticed as Luna raised the moon up over the mountains.
“I suppose I should get back to Canterlot,” she said to herself, flying off.
When she returned, the moon was in orbit and Luna was back on her 720-TB Intail Pro Triple Plus Premium Heavy Duty Platinum PC with about thirty welded-on mods to improve graphics and performance. In another room, thirty unicorns worked tirelessly to produce an electric current strong enough to power it (and also strong enough to vaporize a small mountain).
“Can’t talk, leveling up,” said Luna. “Good to see you too, sister,” replied Celestia.
Celestia had dinner in Luna’s room, watching her attempt to defeat a Level 185 boss and subsequently earn the rights to the super-rare-limited-edition Maximum Diamond Set, including the Temporal Ultimate Devastator Blade of Infinity. She resorted to headphones after about two minutes in order to avoid the debilitating deafness caused by the Royal Equestrian Voice shouting vulgarity at every 200+ damage attack Luna was forced to endure.
It was eight o’ clock when Celestia dragged herself over to the Royal Canterlot Shower (as was carved on the door in what looked like blood by Luna, after downing an entire barrel of cider upon defeating the Wither Boss.) The shower was almost as regal as the castle’s exterior, consisting of an indoor waterfall carved out of solid gold.
After a long and refreshing shower, Celestia finally got into bed, lowering the sun from her window.
“My loyal friends! Welcome back to the virtual world of Pony Fighter II! Prepare to face my piledriver!”
“Perhaps it is time my dear sister got her own home,” said Celestia.
Author's Note
I don't even.
Celestia's Second Chapter of the Sun
The second instalment of the collection that makes everypony just wanna "I don't even..."!
Enjoy.
The next morning, Celestia woke up, got dressed, and went downstairs as usual. Luna hadn’t left her room yet, so Celestia took it upon herself to prepare breakfast.
Unfortunately, Celestia hadn’t much experience with baking.
That was what the royal guards usually did.
But Celestia was feeling determined that morning. “How hard can it be?” She opened the cabinet and took out an ancient cookbook.
“Let’s see…three cups of flour…two eggs…some vinegar…strawberries…orange peel…”
She was halfway done when a thought occurred to her. “I’ve forgotten the baking soda!”
She opened a tub of baking soda and scooped a spoonful into the mixture.
Then she looked over the recipe. “Let’s see…after the baking soda…where is it?...baking soda…”
There was no baking soda in the recipe.
At the bottom of the page was a note written in blue ink.
“Celestia, if you’re reading this, Luna recommends not adding baking soda. It doesn’t mix well with vinegar.”
Celestia re-read the recipe.
“Two cups vinegar. No baking soda.”
The CMC Hazmat Team was called into duty for the second time.
Chapter Two-Point-One: in Which Celestia is Generous (And a Bit Hasty)
“Why, thank you!” Celestia said to Maud Pie. “The new statue looks fantastic!”
Maud Pie took a step back from the new statue. It was one of Celestia, standing atop a hill majestically. Maud had even used rubies, emeralds, and lapis to make the mane colors. The old, depressing statue sat somewhere in the Everfree Forest, and eventually, the plants and animals refused to come within ten feet of it, making for a rather odd circular clearing.
“However can I repay you?”
Maud shook her head.
“I’m okay.”
“No, really! It’s beautiful!”
“I’m okay.”
“How about two thousand bits?”
“I’m okay.”
“Four thousand?”
“I’m okay.”
“I’ll let you stay at the castle for free!”
“Im okay.”
Celestia snapped.
Suddenly, Maud was floating in an ethereal plane of little blue stars while pictures of her lifetime floated around her.
Then she was back in the garden next to the statue.
“You’re welcome,” said Celestia.
Maud looked at herself.
“I have wings and a horn,” she said.
“But I’d rather be a rock.”
…
“I could write a poem about that.
Rock.
It is what I want to be.
A rock.
Gray.
And hard.
Which is what a rock is.
Which is what I want to be.”
Chapter Two-Point-Two: In Which Celestia is My Waifu
Princess Celestia, will you marry me?
“No.”
*Sob*
Chapter Two-Point-Three: In Which Celestia Is Celestia
She is.
Chapter Two-Point-Four: In Which Celestia Punishes Me for Making Chapter 2.3 So Boring
The moon really sucks.
Chapter Two-Point-Five: In Which Celestia Gets Herself Stuck
Celestia was feeling a bit hungry. It was noon, and she’d only had a sandwich. “I’ll stop at Sugarcube Corner,” she said to herself, trotting along.
“Welcome, Princess! We’ve got PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES!”
“They sound lovely. I’ll take some.”
Pinkie handed Celestia a peanut butter cookie. Unfortunately, she dropped it on the floor. “Oops…sorry…”
“That’s quite all right.” While Pinkie went off to get more cookies, Celestia decided to take a seat. She went to walk over to the nearest chair…
And her leg did not come off the floor.
She looked down. Her hoof was coated in peanut butter and cookie crumbs. “Oh, dear…”
She tried to magic her way out. It didn’t work. She tried flying; it didn’t work. She tried licking it off. Disgusting, and it didn’t work. And ponies were starting to stare and give her weird looks. “Pinkie!” she called.
“In a sec!” replied Pinkie. Celestia sighed. Then she remembered something.
Pinkie came out of the back, carrying a fresh tray of cookies, and all that was left was a golden horseshoe stuck to the floor.
Chapter Two-Point-Six: In Which Celestia Tries her Hoof at Video Games
“Luna?” Celestia walked into Luna’s room to find Luna’s tank computer on and Luna missing. “Are you here? I wish to discuss something with you. The bread. Did you eat the last slice?” No answer.
Celestia looked over at the two-foot-wide screen. “I wonder what it is she does on here all the time?”
She tapped a button labeled “MINECRAFT v. 1.8.1”
The screen displayed a pixelated 3D world.
There were buttons that made the player move, jump, and dig. Celestia soon discovered that the player could also gather resources and create new items with them.
Luna walked into her room. “Now back to Foal of Duty III…”
“Die, zombie scum!”
“SISTER! WHAT HAST THOU DONE TO OUR HOUSE?! WHERE DIDST THIS FIRE COME FROM?!?!”
Chapter Two-Point-Seven: In Which Celestia Dies
Not really. What would become of the royal waifu then?
Chapter Two-Point-Eight: In Which Celestia is Embarrassed (And it’s Spike’s Fault)
After going back to Canterlot to retrieve a spare horseshoe, Celestia returned to Ponyville to relax.
“I suppose I’ll go drop by Twilight’s house.”
Twilight was not home. There was only Spike, sweeping the floor (the only thing he ever seems to do). “Oh, hello, Princess,” he said. “Didn’t expect to see you here.”
“Is Twilight home?” asked Celestia. “I thought I’d drop by.”
“Nah, she’s out with Zecora,” replied Spike. “You’re welcome to stay if you want, though.”
Celestia took the opportunity to go up to Twilight’s room and lie down on her bed.
“I suppose I’ll take a quick nap…”
A little known fact about Princess Celestia is that the royal sleep involves very little lying still.
Twilight came home an hour later. “Spike! I’m back!”
“Welcome back, Twilight,” replied Spike. “By the way, there was something I was supposed to tell you…never mind, it’ll come to me.”
“Spike?”
“Yeah?”
“Why is Princess Celestia on my bed…drooling…and with her legs…spread apart…like that…?”
Celestia woke up right around then.
“Oh buck.”
Chapter Two-Point-Nine: In Which Celestia Has a Sleepover By Accident
Nighttime fell shortly after Celestia ran home to hide in the castle. “Luna!” she called. “If Twilight comes over, tell her I’m not here. The future of Equus depends on it.”
“Can’t hear you. Gaming.”
“Never mind, then.”
Celestia went up to her room. “Perhaps tomorrow will bring a better turn of events.”
Twilight Sparkle appeared out of nowhere and landed on the ground next to the Princess’ bed.
Celestia nearly had a horn attack.
“Twilight! Is something the matter?”
“Truth or dare. Rainbow dared Spike to mail somepony with his dragon fire. It was me.”
Shortly afterwards, one by one, the other ponies started appearing. “Spike had me come get you,” said Rainbow.
“And he had me come get Rainbow,” said Rarity.
“And he had me come get Rarity,” said Pinkie, and so on. Even Derpy somehow ended up in Celestia’s room.
“This is not happening…” moaned Celestia.
Luna took that opportunity to peek through the door.
“*gasp* Are we having a sleepover?! I wish to participate! I shall get the popcorn and gory chainsaw movies!”
“I…just wanted…a good night’s sleep…”
“What was that, Princess? Couldn’t hear over Luna’s MPony3 player.”
Author's Note
You didn't ask for it, but here it is...
The second part of the Celestia Collection.
Try not to derp too hard.
