Cloudy with a zero percent chance of immortality
Rain and wind crashed down from the heavens, whirling around the Northern Wastelands as we see a particular anti-hero, with a particular device, flying over the area.
Bleep... Bleep...
"Come on.. Come on!” Vegeta yelled at the device in his hands, shaking it angrily as thunder cackled in the distance. He landed in the middle of a small canyon, completely oblivious to the lighting that striked nearby as the storm raged on.“If this blasted thing is right, the last one should be right around... Here!" he then shouted as the device’s beeping grew rapid, whipping around and pushing himself over a small rock formation. But to his disappointment, he stared into a small, empty chasm of nothing but rocks and maybe a dead body but he couldn’t tell.
"Goddammit!" Vegeta screamed out bitterly as he climbed back up empty-handed, stomping a foot as more thunder roared with the lightning that streaked across the blackened sky. "This fucking thing has been in many situations, and now it can't even take on a simple rain storm?! What the flying-fuck! I blame Krillin!"
Miles upon miles away, Krillin sensed a disturbance as he sat with his friends on their small island.
“What.”
Vegeta continued to fume, gritting his teeth as he angrily smashed the radars screen in frustration.
Bleep... Bleeeeeeeeep!
"Aha!" Vegeta exclaimed as he speedily moved to the radar’s newly pointed location. But once more, he saw nothing.
"I swear to fucking God, I will level this entire fucking place if this thing is wrong agai-" Vegeta stopped mid sentence as something orange glimmered in the distance, his eyes fixing upon the familiar, star-covered sphere inside a small cavern.
“Finally!” Vegeta said victourusly, pumping a fist into the air. “After all this time, I finally managed to collect the 7 dragon balls!” Vegeta then let out a generic evil laugh, with a generic insane smirk plastered on his generic face.
“No more Mr. Goody two-shoes for these assholes. After I finally gain immortality, I will grind them all into dust, and I will rule this planet as MY BITCH! That's right, motherfuckers! All shall tremble under my fist of fury! And why stop there? After I take over the earth, the whole universe is within the palms of my hands! I, Vegeta, shall be known as the king of the universe! MHUAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!11!!1 *Insert Evil Laughter* ”
"Oh yeah, because a guy named after some eatible plants sounds sooo ruthless and scary."
"Shut it the fuck up, Ghost Nappa!" Vegeta idignatly called out to no one in particular.
“Prison bitch, Vegeta.”
"Goddammit Nappa..."
Making sure that nobody saw him, Vegeta quickly retrieved the final Dragon Ball, tossing it inside an old bag with the rest not mentioned until now because reasons. He then took off to the last place anyone would look, or could disturb him.
Yunzabit Heights
A few hour long (and skippable) flight later, Vegeta landed on one of the many plateaus in the area.
“Alright this is it...” he muttered to himself, sliding the bag off his shoulder with a small thud.
Grabbing the dragon balls, he quickly placed them together on the ground.
“Man, oh man... Would you look at those big, orange, round, delicious balls...”
“Gay.”
“DAMMIT NAPPA!”
The balls began to give a bright yellow, pulsating glow, the sky darkening to a sickly black as masses of dark clouds formed above the area. Vegeta gave a ‘fuck yes’ of victory, moving his hands down to begin the summoning ritual.
“Eternal dragon, I summon you.. SHENRON!”
The Dragon Ball’s energy beam exploded outwards, filling the area with a blinding light. A golden pillar of light suddenly shot out of the balls, twisting and warping, out of the light, the eternal dragon, Shenron, appeared.
”I am Shenron! For activating the Dragon Balls, I shall grand you one wi-... Oh god fucking why, it’s you again...” Shenron said with a annoyed voice, sighing. ”Why does no one else ever finds these damn balls!?”
“...”
“Did Namek get blown up again?”
“No…”
”Earth needs to be repopulated again?”
“No.”
“Has Goku died again?! Because you know I can’t re-”
“WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP FOR ONE GODDAMN SECOND SO I CAN TELL MY GODDAMN WISH!?!”
“...”
“THANK YOU!” Taking a deep breath, Vegeta came back to reality once again.
“I wish for goddamn immo-”
“Heya Vegeta!”
“GAH! WHAT THE FUCK?!” Vegeta jolted away from the sudden touch on his shoulder. Whipping around, he saw the last person he’d ever want to see.
“KAKAROT!?”
“What the hell is he doing here?!”
“What the actual fuck are you doing here, Kakarot?!” Vegeta shrieked. “Aren’t you supposed to be sleeping... Or... you know... Not taking care of your son?”
“Well, I was doing that. But suddenly I came up with an idea which I needed the Dragon Balls for! And I thought, ‘Hey! my best friend Vegeta surely wants to help me find them!’”
“I’m not your friend,” Vegeta said trough gritted teeth.
“So I transmitted myself to you to ask for your help and- Hey wait a minute...” Goku looked up, finding himself staring right to Shenron eyes.
“You found the Dragon Balls! Good job buddy!”
“...Goddammit...”
“Hey you two. Make that damn wish so I can get the hell out of here!” Shenron hissed at the duo. Goku turned around and looked up at him, smiling while Vegeta face-palmed behind him.
“Okay Mr. Dragon! I want to go to a world with sunshine, and rainbows and... TALKING PONIES, YEAH!” Goku shouted happily. “And I want Vegeta to go there too!”
“Wait, what?”
“Wait... what?”
“Your wish has been granted. Now... Get the hell out of here!” ”
“Noo…” Vegeta said as his body began to glow.
“No. No. Noo!” Vegeta watched in horror, as the glow began to swallow up his body.
“Kakarot, You stupid mother fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!”
“Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
And with a final flash, the duo disappeared, following Goku’s wish into the unknown.
.
.
“Maybe I should have told them since this world is in another dimension, the only way to return is to be wished back.”
.
.
“Oh well.. Not my problem anymore!” And with that Shenron disappeared, shooting the Dragon Balls across the world once more..
Celestia’s sun hung high above the Apple family’s orchard, small beams of sunlight breaking through the tree branches and shining on the luscious rows of apples. It made them almost seem “magical”. Near the border of the west orchard, we see a familiar earth pony, kicking trees, to buck the ripe apples for the local market.
Twack!
“Come on...”
Twack!
“Almost there...”
Twack!
“Aaaannd... done!” Applejack said with a satisfied grin the last of the apples found their place inside their baskets. “Hoo-wee!” she huffed, lifting up her stetson to wipe a few strains of sweat off her forehead.
Taking a well deserved break, Applejack took a glance at the wagon, which was stocked to the brim with baskets full of “Equestria’s Finest.”
Satisfied with her work of the day, she trotted over to a nearby tree, laying her head against the trunk. She then closed her eyes for a quick nap, only for them to be filled with an enormously bright, white ray of light.
“W-What in tarnation?” Applejack mumbled sleepily as she opened one eye.
“Applebloom better not be playing with those fireworks again, or.. oh boy is she gonna get it!” Applejack thought to herself.
Covering her eyes with one of her hooves, AJ was unaware of the two objects, or rather, persons, rapidly approaching the orchard.
“uuuuuuuuccckkeeeeerrrr - AH FUCK!”
CRASH!
End of Chapter
Author's Note
Co-produced, and pre-read by: Dubs H Discordia
Edited by the amazing: Just A Fabulous Cat
Applejack was shaken trough her core as she, and the grounds around sweet apple acres were surprised by an earthquake as two objects forcefully slammed into the ground close to the border of one of the orchards. Moments later, a massive wall of wind caused by the explosion reached the apple farmer, knocking her against one of the unbucked trees. The impact of her body against the tree was enough to let the apples fall, showering her under a pile of reds.
“W-what in the name Tartarus was that?!” Applejack mumbled to herself as she climbed her way out of the pile of apples.
Rubbing the back of her head, Applejack winced as she felt the bump on the back of her head, which was quickly growing in size. With stars still shooting across her eyes, she turned her vision to the direction where the explosion came from. Witnessing a big plume of smoke that was starting to rise above the treetops.
“Must be Rainbows work again.” She mumbled. “By Celestia, that mare is going to get us out of business one day with the damage she causes cuz of those stunts she is trying tah pull off!”
Shaking off the last few stars in her vision, Applejack grabbed her beloved Stetson from the ground, and took off full speed in the direction the smoke was coming from.
West Orchard
"DAMMIT KAKAROT, YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKER!" Vegeta screamed to himself, as he pulled his face from the dirt it got lodged in. Jumping up from the crater where he crash-landed, he began to brush off the dirt and grass stuck to his armor, satisfied that it still was in one piece. Brushing of the last few bits of rubble, Vegeta began to walk towards the second crater which was, unsurprisingly, made by Goku himself. Looking down the crater, Vegeta’s eyes shimmered with glee as he found the Saiyan he was looking for. ”AHA!” Vegeta shouted with predatory grin. “Some bitch is gunna die tonight!”
At the bottom of the second crater. Goku was laid down on his back, with a big, goofy smile forming on his face. “Wowie that was a big crash” He thought with a giggle. “Almost as good as when Mr. Popo kicked me off the lookout!” Deciding that a nap would be a good idea, Goku opened one of his eyes, as a familiar voice reached his ears. Clearing his vision, he saw Vegeta standing at the rim of the crater, looking at him.
“What do you mean Vegeta?” Goku asked in confusion.
“Oh I’m sorry, I’m sorry. What I meant was.” Vegeta took a moment to clear his throat, and began to shout.
“WHAT I MEANT WAS THAT I WILL LITERALLY KILL YOU, THEN FACE-FUCK YOUR SKULL, THEN BRING YOU BACK TO LIFE AND BITCH-SLAP YOU FOR FUCKING ETERNITY YOU LITTLE SHIT!"
"V-Vegeta?" Goku sputtered out, looking up at Vegeta.
"WHAT!?"
“You have some dirt in your hair.” He said, with the same stupid smile on his face as before.
“OH FOR FUCK SAKE! THAT’S FUCKING IT! COOKING CARROT IN FIVE!” Vegeta shouted as he stretched his arm down the hole, aiming his hand at Goku’s face.
“Vegeta?”
“FOUR!”
“You should take an aspirin”
“THREE!
“Or maybe take a nap?”
“TWO!”
“Because naps are good!”
“ONE!!!”
“Hey! What are y’all doing in mah orchard!?” An unfamiliar female voice shouted to the Saiyan,
“Next time Kakabitch...”
“Next time.”
“Oh for fuck sake.” Vegeta grumbled to himself as he lowered his arm. “If you could just give me a minute to erase this idiot here. Then I gladly would leave this… Tree place thingy in peace…” Turning his head to where the voice was coming from, Vegeta locked his eyes on the person, or rather, equine, who was shouting at him.
“Alright woma-"
"aaaaand I am talking to a horse... A small, bright orange horse…”
"With a hat…”
“…”
“Yep I’m dead” Vegeta laughed to himself. “I died and that big red fuck Yemma created a special version of hell for little old me…”
“Fucking. Great… Might as well trow Nappa in here why don’t you?”
”The master called?”
”Oh fuck off Nappa!”
“Eyy. I can’t help it that your mighty Saiyan brain has his the ground a few times too often. By the way, you should probably dodge.”
”Dodge? Dodge what?”
His thoughts were interrupted as a red object smashed right against the front of his head, spraying a sticky liquid over his face.
“The fuck?” Zoning back into the world, Vegeta looked at the horse again, which was holding another red object in her front hoof. The same that hit him square in the face just a moment ago. “The fuck was that!? Did you throw that?” he shouted to the orange horse.
“Yes ah did!” Applejack shouted to the Saiyan. “And yer gonna tell me right now what yer all doing here. And especially why you monkeys have been destroying mah precious apple trees!”
“Monkey? Fuck you! I ain’t no monkey, I’m a Saiyan!.” Vegeta shouted back to Applejack “And besides. I won’t take orders from a horse.”
“Well ah ain’t no horse! Ah’m a pony!” Applejack shouted back again as she began to walk to the confused Saiyan who, bluntly said, had no fucking clue on what to do here. “And yer on private property. Mah property. So yer obliged to answer mah questions!”
“Well you can answer this!” Vegeta laughed as he flipped the bird to the orange pony, who just looked at him in confusion. ”Now please. Fuck off while I’ll leave this place. Oh, and you can keep dickbiscuit over there as well.” Vegeta said as he pointed to the crater Goku now was standing next to. “Because there is no way in hell I am taking that mook with me. Now… Ta ta!.” Vegeta said laughing as he began to walk towards the wooden fences in the distance, ignoring the pony who was shouting at him again.
“Dagnabbit!” Applejack shouted to herself. “Why in Celestia’s name did I get this problem thrown at mah hooves. And what in Equestria’s name am I going to do with this… Clothed ape?!”
“Eh, Excuse me…” An new voice called behind her. “Eh, Miss?”
“Applejack is the name.” Applejack said, as she turned around to face our Saiyan hero. “And yer from the same place as that other monkey aren’t ya?” She said, as she walked to face Goku. “I want to hear a darn good reason why you two decided to crash into mah orchard!”
“Well I’m sorry Miss Applejack.” Goku began to say with a soft expression. “We did not mean to crash inside your trees. Honest! When I made my wish to this place, I did not expect that we would be treated as an airdrop.” Goku said with a shameful smile.
“Wish...” Applejack said with a raising eyebrow. “Yer serious?”
“Yeppo! Every bit of it!”
“... Eh, seems reasonably believable. Now tell me.” She said, as she faced Goku again. “Who is that other monkey, and why did he talk so… Weird to me?”
“Oh that is Vegeta! He’s my best buddy!” Goku said with a smile. “He is a bit mopey, but he sure is the best!
“...Riiight. And yer name was again?”
“Goku, Miss Applejack.”
“Alright… Goku. Now how about we call back yer friend over there back, so that we can talk about how we are gunna repair the damage y’all caused. Okay?” Applejack said as she turned herself back to the path Vegeta was walking on.
“Hello?! Mister Vegeta?!” Applejack shouted to the small speck walking down the path. “Could ya please come back to talk about this?!”
"Fuck off!"
“Whelp. He ain’t listening. Time to do it the hard way then.”
“Now where the fuck could I be?” Vegeta thought to himself as he walked down the trail. “This can‘t be Earth. Because last time I checked Earth did not have any talking ponies. Dinosaurs, robots and anthropomorphic animals… Yes. But this is just outright bullshit! Way too colorful too. Like someone dropped a bucket of paint while building this place.”
“I want to go to a world with sunshine, and rainbows and... TALKING PONIES, YEAH!”
Vegeta stopped dead in his tracks as the memory slammed back into him. “The… The wish…”
“And I want Vegeta to go there too!”
“Kakarot made that fucking wish!”
“…”
“IM GOING TO FUCK HIS CORPSE ONCE IM DONE WITH H-”
Vegeta never was able to finish his sentence, as a bright orange hoof shot out of the bushes next to him, crashing right into his crown jewels, sending him down instantly.
“Ah’m mighty sorry fer doing this sugarcube. But I told ya to stop, but ya just didn’t listen!”
“...”
“Eh, scuse me?”
“My… My dick!”
“Ah didn’t quite catch that.”
And from that moment the legends told that when a pony listens close enough, he, or she could hear the screams of the mighty Saiyan prince carrying on with the winds. As they were carved into the winds.
Forever.
Author's Note
It has been a while...
PM for any grammatical errors, and other mistakes found in the story!
