I think I'm not what I am.

by Master Titta

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Sex, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 2033

There is a twin town to Equal Town. A VERY different twin.

Equal Town: a place where Equality reach one of its extremes, turning into pure, identity-annihilating, unfiltered Collectivism.

However, this is not the only odd Municipality in the Diarchy of Equestria, nor its oddness is the only brand avaible. A different town, built near the desert that marks the uncolonized frontier of Equestria, exists, and it's name is "Xirshehekin-town."

Twilight Sparkle and her friends have been tasked by Princess Luna and Princess Celestia to visit that place, take a census of the population there and maybe fix its incredibly broken finances and cases of tax evasions.

Naturally, if the inhabitants will cooperate with Twilight and friends.

Published 2015-03-25 23:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-25 23:50:02 UTC

Prologue

"Aren't the orators that go around shouting 'I got these wounds by defending the State, this eyes was lost for your sake, now pay attention to me, as my severed knuckles do not allow me to stand for long' moved by the same forces of wrath? At least they would tolerable, if they actually taught eloquence and history. But, no, they just bring their pupils beyond the Ethereal spheres with just their heads! As soon as they go to do their jobs, they start to fill everything they say and do with empty air and pointless bells! Everything the young ones learn is nothing current, but either tyrants enslaving all the lower society with an edict, or cures to plagues involving virgins that get burned to death and then used as flour in Princess Celestia's cakes; bullshit, sometimes sugarcoated with the honey of the words, sometimes with the pepper and poppy seeds of the quotes. Who feeds his mind with these things cannot become anymore wiser than a cook can smell."

The recent new Princess of Equestria did not allow this unknown shouted to go any further, and she said while trying to shrug him off with a flutter of her wings "That... was something, sir, but I think you have me at loss. Also, would you kindly respect my personal space?"

"But, Highness, it is in your interest! You're the Pricness of Knowledge!"

"I'm the Princess of Friendship."

"Whatever, it's the same thing anyways. Also, since, very rare sight indeed, you love the good sense, I will tell you somesecrets of this art that your great knowledge may have overlooked. It's not fault of the teachers, poor sods, because they gotta adapt to what their students want, otherwise, they would teach to empty desks."

Twilight Sparkle pinned the stallion to the train's wall. Noticing a group of ponies getting out from two of the cabins, Twilight used hat opportunity to sneak off to go back to the train cabin where the rest of her cheerful brigade awaited for her.

"Took ya long enough. Where have you been?"

"To the bathroom, Dash, but, on the way here, I got stopped by a weird guy trying to lecture me on education," Twilight said, as she sat down near a book-reading Rarity. Twilight then looked at her red and wooden surrondings, seeing the seats empty "Where is the rest of us?" Twilight asked as she looked at Rarity, who answered "They went to take something to eat in the wagon resturant."

As soon as Rairty said that, Pinkie Pie returned, covered in coal and sweat, but smiling widely.

Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Rarity looked at Pinkie sideways.

Pinkie smiled as he told her story.

"While," she said "I went all around the train without finding the wagon restaurant, a stallion reached me and he offered himself to lead me to the wagon. After making me pass through the baggage area, then he lead me inside the sleeping area. He asked me for money as an old hag awaited atop of a bunk bed, in a wagon full of half-asleep ponies, and, at my refusal to pay, he tried to put his hooves on me, and, if I hadn't been faster and stronger than him, he might have managed to do so. It helps that his mooks were kinda drunk and flopping against the door."

"So, you're saying that you almost got violated?"

Pinkie Pie shrugged.

Welcome to this Xirshehekin. Please, mind your Gender Pronouns.

After the train ride, my five other friends and I were forced to get off at the station of the official frontier town of Borgo Cagamattoni. After stocking up food, water canteens and maps, we proceed to march through the desert areas between Borgo Cagamattoni and that isolated town of Xirshehekin. The trek was relatively easy, but compared to the advertised natural wonders and ruins said to be there, it was pretty dull. On the journey we only witnessed the wonder of some stupid ox’s anatomy, a couple of yucca plants, and cracks on the ground where the sand didn’t arrive.

I had ordered Spike and Dash to carry most of the water canteens and food supplies bought in the town.

That was a grave judgment error. Halfway through the trek in the sandy desert, I asked for one of the canteens of water. Spike handed me one of the green tin ones taken from a military leftover sale, I unscrewed its cap and slowly tipped the canteen over my mouth, but to much of my dismay, only a few drops came in.

"Dash, please give me another, for this one is empty." I gave the old canteen to Dash and she handed me one which had its cap already suspiciously unscrewed and, not surprisingly, only a few drops hit my tongue.

"This one's empty too," I said, before turning around to see Spike drinking from two canteens at once. I pulled those away from him. "Spike, oh you greedy pig, stop consuming our water supplies. We need them for the entire journey, and we cannot afford to let you drink them all at once. The same words apply for you, Rainbow Dash. So, from now on, do not consume any water unless extremely necessary."

"And what am I supposed to do? Not sweat?" Spike said to me, followed by Dash with "Yeah, I mean, c'mon, we are carrying everything, we should get more water than you do!"
"Except that you volunteered for carrying them!" I replied, not looking in front of me as she answered back "I got volunteered, I didn't actually want to carry this stuff!"

I was going to put my hooves on her, but before I could do that Pinkie Pie let out a squealed shout of "City! City!" Turning myself towards the direction where I was walking, I saw some cubic houses on the horizon, the sign that me and my expedition party composed of my friends were near to Xirshehekin. I huffed towards Dash, and said towards her "We shall talk about it when we return from that place..." before speeding up my trot towards the town.

When we reached the gates of the city, we were greeted by a strong mixture of all kinds of smells, from the heavenly perfumes to the most foul stench, which caused me and everybody else but Pinkie to flinch back. Another thing I noticed was the lack of an actual scheme to the buildings, as they mixed all kinds of styles, colors, and business activities. I could have sworn to have seen a plainly-visible brothel inside a short building made with mud bricks, hay and wood. Next to it was a two-story building made with concrete and glass, which revealed that little kids were being taken care of inside of it. All the ponies were dressed in colorful clothes and wore accessories that ranged from dog collars to antlers, and they passing through bull horns and leashes held by another pony.

This complete aesthetical mess caused Rarity to faint, as Pinkie said out loud "This is the best town EVER!" and she rushed in. "Pinkie! Stay with us!" I said in vain, as she disappeared into the midst of the colorful crowd. While Fluttershy and Applejack tried to bring Rarity back to her senses with the help of Spike, Rainbow Dash said that "We should let her have her fun with it," one of the few sensible things that Dash has said, proposed, or done in this journey to this place. I sighed, and said "It shall be done, also because retrieving her is impossible now. Let's focus on our mission for now, and let's try to find the mayor, the baron, or whoever rules over these lands."

"Should we go to the town hall then?" Applejack asked, as she kept waving her hoof in front of Rarity's face, while Fluttershy waved the salt shaker under Rarity's nose and Spike tried to keep fresh air coming by using a blanket as improvised fan.

"Of course Applejack, but how are we going to find it?" I asked, feeling embarrassed at the failure of my deduction skills, as I moved my hoof in a circular manner for point to all the buildings in sight "There isn't any pattern to this place, so the town hall may be unidentified in-between all these buildings, and guessing which one it is will take too long."

Rainbow Dash shrugged “Why don’t we ask for directions then?” followed by the general consensus that, yes, directions had to be asked to somebody in the town, and Dash immediately went on and, turning towards the crowd, flew there and poked a light brown mare with rust red mane and striped purple and lilac socks on her hooves.

“Excuse me, ma’am…”

“Madam?” The mare said, her face showing off the pure horror that only dramatic masks and good horror movies can transmit “I’m not a mare! I’m male!”

“Uumm, sorry, you kinda look like a mare…”

“How’s that possible? Is it just because I have long eyelashes? Is it because I wear makeup? Is it because my voice is feminine? Is it because I wear socks? Is it because I don’t have a sheath nor balls?”

“Well,” Dash said, scratching the back of her head “You didn’t look like so…”

“How dare you?” The not-mare said, trying to slap Dash but failing thanks to the faster reflexes of my rainbow-maned companion “It’s insensitive towards me! It’s discriminatory! It’s, it’s…” then she suddenly started to froth from her mouth, as her eyes rolled around like pinballs in an arcade handled by an expert player, and not-she dropped down, rolling around and twitching as if she was having a fit of seizures. Dash quickly fled and went next to me with a scared expression on her face, saying “Twi, what do I do, oh Celestia, what do I do?”

Soon enough, a pegasus wearing a white helmet with a red symbol that was a mix between a piece of cross cross, a piece of pentacle, a piece of crescent moon and something resembling the atomic structure of argon with an “A” in the middle on his helmet, flew onto the scene and descended near the mare.

“Nothing,” I said deadpanning, as the pegasus with the peculiarly-marked helmet picked up the mare, whose froth dropped on the dusty ground, as she ranted gibberish and kept squirming about in not-her rescuer's grip. As the pegasus flew away with the pony in socks, I said “Guess that asking to locals isn’t an option either. Shall we split-up and meet each other back here near the gate at the end of today?”

By the time I had made this statement, Rarity had gone back in her senses, and said, as she wiped dust off her white coat “That sounds like a good plan, Twilight.” She looked around her, until she fixed her gaze upon some buildings which had signs indicating that clothing activities went on in there. “I will check that area,” she said, before waving to us with her left hoof just before she trotted that way, passing near a Neogothic stone tower-like house.

“I’ll go north East,” Dash said. “North west,” Applejack said, and then Fluttershy said “I’ll go East… with Spike…” she said, picking Spike’s left hand in her right hoof, just before Spike retracted it and said “Na-ah! Not going to be your meatshield! If anything, I’ll go with Twi.”

“Go with Fluttershy, Spike,” I said sternly, and Spike obeyed with a sigh, as Fluttershy let out a soft cheer and fluttered onto the path eastwards. Left alone, I analyzed with my eyes the barely-paved sandy phat least westwards, the only road yet to be explored by my group. The road’s boundaries were defined by mudbrick-and-hay houses at its sides, but the yurtas and gers in various sizes and colours weren’t lacking in number there either, meaning that it was either the poor suburbs or, considered the context, the richest part of town.

I sighed, and walked into them, mixing in with the crowd of ponies.

I already knew it wasn’t going to get any easier.