A Couple of Tossers

by PresentPerfect

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Random, Shining Armor, Pinkie Pie
Length: 1532

Twilight holds a pony-throwing contest between Pinkie Pie and Shining Armor

After noticing that Pinkie has a peculiar talent -- one she's only seen once before -- Twilight decides to have a little fun while doing some research. Yes, it's time for the first Ponyville Pony Throw-Off, between Prince Shining Armor and Pinkie Pie! Who will win? It's anypony's game!

Placed 16th out of 49 entries in the October 2014 writeoff, "Just Over the Horizon".

Published 2015-03-26 02:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-26 02:40:02 UTC

A Couple of Tossers

A Couple of Tossers
by Present Perfect

One! Two! Twilight marvelled as Pinkie lifted Rarity and Fluttershy, tossing them into Sugarcube Corner.

Yes, it was reckless and Twilight should be concerned. Yet Pinkie's form entranced her. There was an effortless strength to the way she chucked her friends. They curved through the air in perfect arcs before landing on their hooves inside. Twilight had only seen pony-throwing grace equalling Pinkie's once before in her life, on a balcony in the Crystal Empire.

Throughout the conversation about rock candy friendship necklaces, her mind was occupied by one idea.

"And that's why me and you are having a pony toss-off!"

"I'm still not sure." Shining Armor scratched his neck, frowning, and looked from Pinkie to Twilight. "And maybe you should rephrase that..."

Twilight smiled at him, placing a hoof on his shoulder. "Come on, BBBFF. You two can have fun while I get some research done! Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Cadence have all agreed to participate, and they'll all be wearing safety gear."

Shining's frown grew deeper. "I don't know if I'm okay with somepony else throwing my wife..."

"It's fine, Shiny," Cadence cooed, nuzzling him. More quietly, she added, "You know how Twilight gets when she's on a research bender."

Sweating, Shining nodded. "Okay. Let's do this."

"Great!" Twilight clopped her hooves together. "Here's how the event will proceed!"

She paced along the width of the expanse of grass they'd chosen as a playing field. Beyond her, white lines had been painted every ten lengths to assist with measurement. There were twenty marks in all, and Twilight had picked a field that sloped upward at the end, the final two marks rising higher than the rest. It was unlikely anypony would be tossed that far, after all, but just in case, it would make the landing smoother, even if her data would be skewed slightly. Not that she hadn't compensated for that.

"It'll be three rounds with three bouts each. Throwers may not use magic, and throwees may not use wings. In case of emergency, I will personally teleport the thrown pony back to the safety zone."

She indicated a cardboard box nearby. It had been cut into the rough shape of a castle, with "Safety Zone" written on its side. Construction paper pennants waved softly in the breeze overhead. Fluttershy sat inside, waving a matching pennant.

"Hooray, safety," she cheered.

"Points will be awarded for style as well as distance." Twilight indicated a small table covered in a cloth that was entirely too well-decorated for an outdoor setting. "Rarity will be the style judge."

"You can count on me to perform my duties with the keenest eye!" Rarity said, flipping her mane.

Twilight grinned. "Are the competitors clear on the rules?"

Shining and Pinkie nodded, Pinkie for longer than necessary.

"Then let the throwing begin!" Twilight flared her wings, then dropped them.

"Good luck, charmer!" Cadence said, giving Shining a peck on the cheek.

"Ooh, ooh!" Pinkie bounced in between them. "Can I have a kiss? Can I, can I? It'll keep things faaaaaiiiiir!"

Cadence laughed, and before Shining could react, she planted a kiss on top of Pinkie's head.

"Good luck to you, Pinkie Pie."

"Whee!" Pinkie spread her hooves and fell over backward.

Twilight laughed and shook her head. "The first event is the underhoof throw with Applejack!"

Applejack stepped forward, grinning. Her smile vanished as she looked between the two contestants. "Uhh, which one o' y'all's goin' first?"

Shining bowed, gesturing to Pinkie. "The lady always goes first."

"Ooooooooohh!" Pinkie sprang to her hooves, eyes huge. She bounced onto the table, rumpling Rarity's carefully-laid tablecloth and getting right up in Rarity's personal space.

"Quick, Rarity, you have to make me a dress!" Her voice became a harsh whisper. "I'm a lady now 'cuz Shining Armor said it and he's a prince and they know everything about ladies!"

Rarity sighed dramatically. "Pinkie, would you please start the event already?"

Pinkie's whole body went still. Her eyes got big. "Oh. Right!" And just like that, she was off bouncing toward Applejack, who, for all her bicycle helmet and extra padding, suddenly had a bad feeling about this.

The first event went off without a hitch. Pinkie won by one and a half lengths and a nod from the style judge. Twilight was surprised by Shining's lack of prowess at underhoof throwing, but he vowed to make up lost points in the overhoof throw with Rainbow Dash. He also avoided a black eye by only the narrowest margin after insinuating that Applejack's weight might be the source of his issues.

With the second heat ready to get underway, Rainbow Dash stretched her wings, scratching at the helmet strap secured beneath her chin. Cadence tightened it with her magic.

"Gee, thanks, mom," Dash groaned. "Twilight, why can't I use my wings? Just judge 'em on style or whatever and let me fly!"

Twilight shook her head. "No can do, Dash. Distance is important to my research, and you can't play favorites." She punctuated the pronouncement by using her magic to bind Rainbow's wings, earning a stormy scowl.

As runner-up, Shining Armor took the first throw. This was what Twilight had wanted to see! Such grace, such perfect form! Dash sailed like a dart, and Shining far outstripped his performance from last round. Pinkie proved that she was equally as good at both types of pony-throwing, but neither in style nor in distance could she match Twilight's brother, and Shining won by a handy four-point-three lengths.

"Truly marvelous throwing, if I do say so myself," Rarity said. "I never thought feats of athleticism could be this enjoyable to appraise!"

"You might if you paid more attention to my flying," Rainbow groused as she hobbled off the playing field.

"We're two heats down, but it's still anypony's game," Twilight said. "Last is the freestyle round! Contestants can use whatever throwing technique they wish, and style points are weighted extra!"

Princess Cadence stepped up to Pinkie, who hesitated a moment.

"Just to be clear," she said, biting her lip, "you're not gonna banish me from the Crystal Empire or anything if I mess up, are you?"

"No," Cadence said, laughing. "And I promise I won't give Shiny an unfair advantage, either."

With a shrug, Pinkie lifted the Princess, groaning slightly. At Cadence's frown, Pinkie quickly said, "Oh, it's okay, I know alicorns are just a tiny bit bigger than regular ponies. I pick Twilight up all the time!"

"Wait, what, no you d--" Twilight was cut off as Pinkie made her throw, a double underhoof, launching Cadence out to nearly the six-length marker.

"That's the best underhoof yet!" The excitement was cutting through Twilight's science demeanor. "Good job, Pinkie!"

"Yes," said Rarity, "I rather appreciated the top-spin, and I'm impressed you lost no distance for using it!"

Pinkie cheered for herself.

Shining stepped up next and, not one to spit in the eye of a good thing, made his throw overhoofed. Cadence sailed out to the eight-length mark, landing gracefully on her hooves.

Applejack scoffed. "And he was complainin' about my weight."

"Are you sure you haven't been practicing?" Pinkie asked, eyes narrowed.

Sweating, Shining answered, "Uh, well, it's not like we haven't done this before..."

"Time to kick it up a notch!" Pinkie shouted.

Her next throw involved a somersault, impressing the judge. Shining Armor responded with with a behind-the-back throw. Pinkie's final toss was a hammer-throw. Each time, Cadence flew farther and farther, and by Pinkie's last throw had to be teleported back from the eighteen-length mark lest the contest run on too long.

As Shining stepped up to make his final throw, everypony in the clearing was quiet.

"Get ready, Cadie," he murmured, and she nodded. He grabbed her rear hooves and started spinning. Faster, faster he whirled, lifting her into the air. When her cheeks began to flap away from her face, he at last released.

She shot like a rocket, up over the trees, flying farther than any of them had imagined a pony could be thrown. Twilight gaped, then grinned at him.

"Well, Shiny, I think you just won this!"

"Don't be so sure, Twilight," Rarity said, pointing to the distance, where a pink twinkle disappeared over the mountains. "Is there any contingency for a pony tossed outside the field of play?"

Twilight turned back to see Cadence's contrail vanish over the horizon with a twinkle. The others stood, clamoring as she hyperventilated. Pinkie jumped onto Shining Armor's back and squealed.

"Ooh, do me next! Do me!"

"It's okay," Twilight told herself. "Cadence can break the enchantment binding her wings and teleport back. There's no need to pan--"

There was a distant boom, followed by a tremendous feminine screech.

"...ic?" Twilight's pupils shrank to pinpoints.

Shining Armor facehoofed.

"Cadence is gonna kill me."

Author's Note

Yeah, it was just a weird idea I had after seeing Maud Pie. :B I got nothin'. Thanks to Archmage Ludicrous and various writeoff participants for the feedback! This story was sponsored from my fanfic list! Click that link to vote on what I do next!