“Say...”
“Yeah?”
“Do you know why they have us guarding this door?”
“Wide Angle, you of all ponies should know why they have us guarding this door.”
“Sorry, just trying to start a normal conversation is all, Straight Arrow.”
It was a normal day in Canterlot, with the sun reaching its apex and signaling noon. If anything, such a quiet day should be a vacation for any guard. The streets were quiet of any distress and the daily activities were going by as normal as can be.
This should especially be so for any pony guarding the Royal Canterlot Castle. Such a prestigious place could be the target of any trouble-maker looking to start anything troubling. But fortunately all was fine and orderly around the home of the royal sisters.
And such serenity is what bored guardsponies, Wide Angle and Straight Arrow.
“Yeah, well next time start the conversation with something less obvious.”
“I'm not asking it like that.”
“You sure about that? It sounded like you were asking a very obvious question there.”
“Look, I know the reason that we’ve been posted here.”
“Enlighten me, I think I have to do a performance review about you later today and I need to make sure your mind hasn’t gone daft from dull question-asking.”
“Ha, ha. Well let’s see if I can remember it correctly.” Wide Angle began to mimic the tone of some generic, wise military general. “’You two proud servants of the great Country of Equestria are to stand guard at this post and look out for any of the following: Trespassers; Rabble-rousers; Thieves; The Disorderly; And anypony else that may disturb the peace. Chin up and eyes straight. You are the face of the Royal Guard.’”
“Glad to see you passed the ‘Impersonate your commanding officer’ portion of the test. Maybe they won’t kick you out next enlistment after all, huh?”
“Yeah, I think I would impress our CO. What’s that thing they say about flattery again?”
“That it’s a good way to get stuck with the country patrol.”
“Gotta love walking for long hours staring at farms all day while somepony yells about you stomping on your crops.”
“Be honest, you kinda had that coming.”
“Hey, I saw what looked like a stolen picnic basket in that farmer’s yard, alright. I was just trying to do the right thing.”
“Yeah, interrogating an old earthpony in front of his filly was certainly the right thing.”
“’Filly?’ That kid looked like he could snap my spear in half. I stopped my questioning because I was afraid of what he might do if I kept going.”
“Trot on over and give you a big hug?”
“Yeah, ‘cause he looked so snuggly.”
“Mhm.”
“But seriously, I’m not asking the reason we’re posted here, I’m asking why are we?”
“I still don’t follow.”
“Straight Arrow, let me ask you something. Who are we?”
“If nature and the universe served me right, we are pegasi.”
“Well, yeah, but what are we?”
“Is this a trick question or are you becoming a philosopher?”
“Ugh. We’re royal guardsponies. We are supposed to be the ones who stop anything that threatens Equestria or the princesses.”
“Well, technically two of the princesses. Princess Cadence is all the way in the Crystal Empire, and Princess Twilight Sparkle hasn’t really requested for a royal guard contingent.”
“Stop trying to narrow everything down to specifics and just here me out.”
“Fine, fine. Continue with your enlightening philosophy.”
“So it should stand to fact that when things start to get too out-of-hand for any normal pony to handle, we should be the ones ready to make sure everything is okay, right?”
“Uh-huh?”
“Now let me ask you this? What’s the biggest danger we’ve stopped lately?”
“I’d say the biggest danger is you talking my ear off and that we haven’t stopped it at all.”
“Keep talking like that and the biggest danger is me whacking you over the head with my spear.”
“You, know that brings to mind of what I’m going to write on that review.”
“Just answer the question.”
“I don’t know… Didn’t we raid a flower shop or something just the other week ago.”
“That’s right, a flower shop. A flower shop. And why did we raid that flower shop?”
“We heard rumors that somepony put some Poison Joke in its stalls.”
“Yes, the entire royal guard was called upon one single flower shop to stop the dangerous infection that would have every prissy unicorn noble around here left with a flabby horn for a day. ‘Oh Celestia forbid, they can’t use their magic for a couple of hours and have to resort to the lowly art of using their mouths.’”
“So what’s the point you’re trying to make again?”
“The point is this: We never seem to help out with anything important.”
“Shouldn’t that be a blessing? A comforting normal disaster compared to a real big one?”
“No, because we should be the ones to be called to stop that big disaster.”
“Like what?”
“Do I really have to spell it out?”
“Should we play hang pony and make the vowels free?”
“When the changelings invaded Canterlot and we were scrambling to reinforce all defenses, even though we very well should have been prepared for such an attack, who stopped them?”
“The Elements of Harmony.”
“The Elements of Harmony. Who were the ones to restore order and prosperity to the land when Discord came back while we had to deal with our spears turning into snakes, and our armor melting into chocolate pudding?”
“The Elements of—”
“The Elements of Harmony. When Nightmare Moon came back and tried to plunge the world in eternal darkness, who were the ones to go out and stop her while the rest of us were panicking because Celestia went missing?”
“The—”
“THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY. And you wanna know what’s worse? They weren’t even the Elements back then! They were just a bunch of random girls prancing around in their pretty little dresses before they suddenly became ‘oh-so important.’”
“I don’t think they were really prancing around in dresses.”
“WHATEVER!”
“So the whole point of this conversation is for you to tell me that you hate the Elements of Harmony?”
“I don’t hate them. I don’t like that they’re the ones stopping all the big problems by themselves, while we have to worry about a poodle using somepony else's yard as a bathroom.”
“Well they are the Elements. They’re meant to do important stuff.”
“I know that, I just I wish they’d, you know, let us help out or something?”
“They’d probably would if you’d just ask them.”
“Yeah, but they’d probably be already off to stop the next big disaster when I do.”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
“…”
“You know what we should have been,” asked Wide Angle.
“What,” replied Straight Arrow.
“Unicorns.”
“That sounds fun, but then we wouldn’t be able to fly.”
“Who needs to fly? Unicorns can just teleport to where they wanna go.”
“How far?”
“I don’t know. I’m not a unicorn. That’s why I wanna be one. Just teleport straight into Celestia’s or Luna’s quarters and save the day.”
“What if they’re doing something private?”
“I’d be respectful and not pay attention to their business while I save the day. I’d be gentlecolt-like and everything. And then they’d honor me with a big mansion. And a cat!”
“A cat?”
“A magic one. That can teleport.”
“If cats started to teleport, a lot of pet owners would become angry.”
“Angry, but excited over their teleporting cat.”
“Oh yeah.”
“…”
“Say, Straight Arrow…”
“Yeah, Wide Angle?”
“Why are we guarding this door.”
“It’s an entry way into the castle.”
“Yeah, but it’s both locked and sealed with a magic spell.”
“Come to think of it, yeah it is. Why are we guarding this door?”
“I know why.”
“Why?”
“We’re not guarding the actual entrance. We’re guarding the door itself.”
“How so?”
“Do you see the gold trimming on this thing? That must sell for a fortune on the black market… or something.”
“A black market for doors?”
“There’s probably one for everything, right?”
“There probably is.”
“And hopefully we’ll be the ones to stop it.”
“Maybe.”
“You’re always a spout of confidence, aren’t you?”
“And you’re a walking migraine.”
The two laughed at the other’s playful insult.
“You know it’s been a couple of minutes past noon,” Wide Angle started, “shouldn’t we have been relieved of our post?”
“Yeah,” Straight Arrow agreed, “where is our relief?”
“Should we go check?”
“Let’s see…”
Both of them turned to look at the castle.
It was on fire, with multiple explosions going off throughout and dozens of guards panicking about in an attempt to stop it. They looked back to each other.
“I think they’re being held up,” said Wide Angle
“Yeah. Should we go see what’s keeping them?”
They looked back to the castle. Celestia was flying around in a panic with her tail on fire while Luna tried to keep her still long enough to douse it with a bucket of water. They looked back to each other again.
“Nah, we gotta keep this door guarded.”
“Yeah, thieves could come in and swipe it while we’re trying to find our relief.”
“And I sure ain’t letting that happen on my watch. You?”
“No way. We’re guarding this door with our lives.”
“Oh yeah.”
“…”
“You’re a good guardspony, Straight Arrow. I’m glad you’re my partner.”
“Same here, Wide Angle. Same here.”