Not Foaling Anypony

by Winged Cat

Rating: everyone
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash
Length: 4214

April Foals' Day is about pranks and fun, but some ponies just want to hide from it all. Then there are those who make use of excuses to hide.

April Foals' Day. They call it a day of practical jokes and hoaxes, all for fun. Applejack disagrees, and declares her farm a "No Pranking Zone" for the day. One might think this would be the perfect Pinkie Pie repellant, and it is.

So what is a certain pink baker doing hanging out with the Apple family, when the same pony is busy pranking the rest of Ponyville? And why is Applejack going along with it?

Published 2015-04-01 02:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-01 02:10:01 UTC

April Foal

The worst day of the year had arrived at Sweet Apple Acres. It was not a day of deprivation, for while they were poor by the standards published in Canterlot (then again, by those standards most ponies outside the big cities were "poor"), the Apples had enough to get by on, and they had each other. Nor was it a day of unusually hard work, not while they enjoyed their labors – with the occasional exception of their youngest, Apple Bloom. Even the weather was predictable thanks to the pegasi, who knew the farm was Ponyville's most weather-dependent business, to the point that they often consulted with the Apples when planning the forecast and gave as much warning as they could when the needs of Equestria demanded locally suboptimal weather.

It was the day when lying was allowed.

That was Applejack's take on April Foals' Day, a day when pranks and practical jokes were encouraged. Such was her distaste that she made it known her farm was an exception to the day. She had once asked Twilight Sparkle why Princess Celestia allowed this event; Twilight had nervously responded that Celestia eagerly took part in it, and had told her that it was "social pressure relief", an explanation that confused both Twilight and Applejack. Twilight shared Applejack's distaste, so Applejack had offered to let her take shelter on the farm from sunrise to sunset, but Twilight always had research or a project to attend to.

Applejack would have taken the hint and stopped inviting Twilight, had another pony not taken Applejack up on it.

The sun was still cresting the horizon as Applejack marched up to her farm's front gate, a "No Pranking Zone" sign slung across her back. Sure enough, a pink earth pony with bubbly dark pink mane and tail was waiting for her. Applejack nodded as she unslung her sign. "Heya, Pinks. Could you hold this steady?"

"Sure thing!" Pinks – not her true name, but she did not mind the nickname Applejack had invented – balanced the wooden sign on its long post, angled it for best viewing, then held it in place while Applejack reared up and stomped it half a foot into the ground, deep enough to be steady all day but not too deep to easily remove after sunset. That task done, Pinks fell in line next to Applejack as the farmer began trotting back to the barn. "So, ready for me to bake all day?"

Applejack looked Pinks over. "Actually, I was hopin' you could help with the harvest this time."

"Well, I would, but..." Pinks glanced at her legs.

"I know, I know, you're worried you've got brittle bones. I ordered you a set of shock absorbers, so most o' the impact'll go to your hips. Your body's solid enough, right? Should get here a bit after noon. We can hook you up an' see if they work." Applejack smiled. "Had to get Twilight's help finding 'em. She thought they were for Granny Smith."

Pinks looked up in surprise. "That must've been expensive!"

"Naw. Those pies you baked us last year sold darn quick, an' a couple of Canterlot types got in a bidding war over the last one. Err...but of course ya knew that, being around here and all, right?"

"Oh! Right! I remember." Pinks smiled and nodded. "Filthy Rich and...somepony, right?"

Applejack did not correct her that it had been two mares wishing to woo Filthy Rich with the best pie in town. "Anyway, point is, we had a bunch more bits thanks to ya, and I figured saving your present for today only made sense."

Pinks stared. "You mean I get to keep it?"

Applejack nodded. "Sure. Custom ordered it for ya."

"Aww, thank you!" Pinks' smile reached her eyes quickly...

"Ain't too bulky, neither, so I figured you could wrap your real legs so they wouldn't stick out none."

...and vanished just as fast.

Applejack did not wince as she caught her slip of the tongue. "Err, I mean, in cotton or maybe thin stone or something, so you could be wearing them all the time and nopony would know. Brittle legs gotta be an inconvenience considering how active ya often are, right?"

"Oooh, right, right." Pinks exhaled to calm her nerves. "Yep, that's me, always active!"

Applejack diverted to the right, toward the barn door. "But that's afternoon. Granny Smith says she's got more'n enough to keep you busy in the kitchen until then. I gotta say, I'm looking forward to sharing one o' your-whoa!" She stopped short as a yellow and red bundle of energy raced out the door and nearly ran into her.

"YAAAY WOO HOO no chores for the entire oh hey Applejack!" Apple Bloom finally stopped jumping for joy three pony-lengths past the door. "Granny Smith says I don't gotta do no chores today, so I can go play with my friends! Hey Pinkie Pie! You know my big sis's made this whole farm a no pranking zone today, right?"

Pinks looked at Applejack nervously, but Applejack held up a hoof to silence whatever the pink one had been about to say while looking at her sister. "Listen carefully. You saw nothing, you hear? Don' tell a soul about this."

Apple Bloom blinked. "About what? Everypony knows about your no pranking-"

"About her being here," Applejack interrupted. "Go along and play with yer friends, and don't come back 'til sunset, alright?"

Apple Bloom blinked again. "Did...I do somethin' wrong?"

Applejack shook her head and smiled. "Naw. This ain't about you. Go on now and don't you worry none."

"Alright." In a heartbeat Apple Bloom was back to her previous self, bouncing away toward the front gate. "YAY! WOO HOO! No chores for the entire day!"

"Sorry about that." Applejack adjusted her hat. "Usually we have her off to school by the time you arrive, but today's the first non-school-day since you started helping."

"Err..." Pinks blinked. "N-not that I mind, but you're keeping my being here a secret?"

"Erm!" Applejack sauntered inside to give her mind a few moments to race. "W-well...yeah? I mean...if everypony knew the great prank master Pinkie Pie was taking today of all days to lay low, there'd be questions. But I understand."

"You do?" Pinks almost tripped in surprise. "I mean, err, of course you do, and I'm glad."

Silence accompanied the rest of their trip to the kitchen, with nearly identical thoughts prominent in their minds.

Apple Bloom trotted through Ponyville, glad for the loose collection of houses that marked the road. She had been on a field trip to Manehattan once, and still remembered how the long blocks of tall concrete buildings had loomed over her as she passed through narrow alleys. Here she could see clear to the horizon, or at least to the edge of town, in at least one direction from most places. Not that a pony as brave as her had once gotten homesick a mere five houses away from the farm. Not once. Not twice. Not...she sighed as she gave up the ruse, admitting to herself that she had lost count, but what did it matter? It was always going to be right there so she should stop being silly about it. It was still there, right?

Apple Bloom looked back, over her shoulder. She was almost to the school house, having been wandering on autopilot even though she had no need to go there today, and she could make out the road leading to the front gate. Good enough. She was just thinking about whether to see Scootaloo or Sweetie Belle first when a wingless Rainbow Dash ran by.

She looked again. Rainbow Dash, Ponyville's most famous flier, deprived of her wings? Something was up. Apple Bloom took off in pursuit.

"Hey Apple Bloom," the cyan no-longer-a-pegasus greeted. Her voice sounded a bit high-pitched. "Could you help me find Pinkie Pie? She stole my wings!"

"She what?" Apple Bloom stared for a moment, then began scanning the sky.

"Well, I let her borrow them, but now I want them back." Rainbow Dash turned a corner, apparently having a destination in mind.

"How does that even work?" Apple Bloom followed along. "Can I borrow them someday?"

"Maybe, if you ask really nice." Rainbow mussed Apple Bloom's mane while briefly running three-hoofed. "But wouldn't you want your friend Scootaloo to borrow them first?"

"Oh yeah...waaait." Apple Bloom looked suspiciously at Rainbow, just in time to see her skid to a halt outside the library, wondering why she referred to her number one fan Scootaloo so distantly.

"TWILIGHT!" Rainbow banged on the door. "We've got a wing thief-"

The door opened. A bolt of lavender magic zipped through, encasing Rainbow for a second, blasting away her body paint and revealing Pinkie Pie with her mane and tail styled flat.

Apple Bloom had not been as quick to stop, so she took several seconds to halt and back up to the door. By the time she arrived it was open wider, showing Twilight Sparkle, bags under her eyes, frizzled mane betraying her lack of sleep, and glare positively radiating irritation, with an embarrassed Rainbow Dash – with wings, Apple Bloom noted – behind her. "It's not even nine," Twilight grumbled. "And seriously, you two, 'borrowing' wings?"

"Told you we should've waited," Pinkie gently admonished. "Twilight doesn't laugh when she's grumpy!"

"Yeaaah, sorry." Rainbow rubbed her mane as she came around to the door. "Half an hour to paint each other up..."

"Huuuh?" Apple Bloom interrupted. "That can't be right."

Rainbow shrugged. "You want to make it look good, it takes time."

"No, I mean..." Apple Bloom blinked. "Oooh! Pinkie Pie, I didn't know you could time travel too!"

Pinkie Pie smiled. "Neither do I! Though sometimes time speeds up when I'm having lots of fun! Which is sad, because then it's all over faster, so I try to slow it down, but time doesn't have handles or anything to grab onto."

"What are you babbling about?" Twilight was looming as best she could without stepping one hoof outside her door. Even at a distance, Apple Bloom could feel Twilight's reluctance to step into the sunlight and yearning to return to bed, though having been a repeat recipient of Twilight looming after messing up potion making had sensitized her to Twlight's moods.

"Well, I just came from the farm," Apple Bloom explained, "and you were there, Pinkie Pie. Only my sis was all 'shhh' about it, and...and I wasn't supposed to mention it, was I?"

Twilight groaned. "You mean you saw her there earlier today? At a time when decent ponies are still sleeping?"

Apple Bloom shook her head, wondering – not for the first time – why Celestia's faithful student seemed to have such a problem waking up at dawn, or being ready to go shortly after waking, and made a note to ask again about that "coffee" potion Twilight seemed so fond of. "I mean a few minutes ago. So if Pinkie and Rainbow were painting each other for the past half hour...oh! Pinkie, do you have an identical twin sister?"

"No...?" Pinkie Pie stared, in the way she often did when about to engage in a roller coaster of her own brand of logic, and her voice gradually took on an excited tone. "I mean, I think I know all of my sisters. Oh! Unless ma and pa had another one and didn't tell me yet, but then she'd still be a tiny baby, or maybe he would, but either way the baby wouldn't be nearly big enough to pass for me, and I'm the only one of my siblings who doesn't look rock-colored. Are you sure you didn't just see a me-colored rock, Apple Bloom? I saw one in a cave near your farm not long ago. Looked just like me with some glowy sleepy thing."

Apple Bloom's mind and voice were much quieter, for separate reasons. "I'm pretty sure this wasn't a rock. I didn't hear what you were talking to Applejack about, but the two of you were talking. I ain't ever heard a rock talk, 'cept that one time with Discord. Discord ain't around, is he?"

"No, Discord's in Canterlot right now." Twilight brushed a hoof over her mane, smoothing out the errant strands into a mostly coherent whole. "Let's go see this second Pinkie Pie before a third one shows up."

By the time the quartet reached Sweet Apple Acres, Pinkie's mane was bubbly as usual (though Rainbow's was still getting the bubbly styling out), and the walk had woken Twilight to the point where returning to sweet slumber was no longer on the forefront of her mind. For a moment, she wondered if going for a walk like this every morning would brush away being drowsy, but quickly concluded the time saved by not waking up would be much less than the time spent walking, and besides, she would collapse earlier at night when there was so much reading to get done – and struggling to stay awake was not the best mental state in which to absorb information, a situation she had all too much personal experience with. She remembered Applejack hinting that she should come out to the farm today; while she had declined, preferring to be around town in case some prank needed defusing, now that she was here she could check in with Applejack after the current investigation.

Lost in such thoughts, she only stopped when her chest abruptly pressed into Rainbow's outstretched hoof, just outside the barn's side. Rainbow gave her a look, then pointed through. The kitchen was just beyond the door, and inside was indeed a second Pinkie Pie, back to the group, merrily chatting away with Granny Smith while smoothing out pie dough with a rolling pin. This was all they could see before a lasso out of nowhere snagged the door and pulled it shut.

Applejack, on the other side of the lasso, marched up to the group, glowering. "Apple Bloom. What part of 'don't tell anypony' didn't you understand?"

Before Apple Bloom could respond, Twilight stepped in front of her. "This is serious, Applejack."

Applejack shifted her glower to Twilight. "Yes it is, and I'm glad you're finally here but I need just you, not – aw, NO!" Applejack suddenly looked at the door.

Twilight followed her gaze. The pink pony in the kitchen had opened the door, and was now looking at Pinkie Pie, leaning away with wide eyes and a grimace. Pinkie Pie returned the favor, except leaning forward, staring intently. Both of them suddenly ran off in opposite directions.

Pinkie Pie grinned as she bounced away. "New pony! Gotta make a new pony party!"

Pinks barely kept sobs out of her voice. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

"Let's see, invitations and – wait, what?!?" Pinkie Pie skidded to a halt, about-faced, and poured on the speed.

Twilight suspected Rainbow Dash was slightly jealous. Sure, Rainbow was the air speed record holder, hoofs down, but when Pinkie Pie wanted to be somewhere, she was there. She was no unicorn, so she could not just teleport, and observing her like this she was clearly traversing the space between point A and point B – or in this case, between Pinkie Pie A and Pinkie Pie B. Pinkie's hooves barely seemed to touch the ground, as if she was repeatedly launching herself in a low ballistic arc, like a gallop but far more effective, and more airtime between hops. Twilight knew Rainbow well enough to know that Rainbow would be practicing that gait in the near future, trying to mine it for anything to improve her own speed, though outside of town enough that nopony would see her "being lame" – or as Twilight preferred to put it, "messing up while trying something new". For her own part, Twilight considered writing a research report on it, and was deciding whether to title it "The Kinematics of Pinkie Pie" or "Pinkiematics" when Pinkie Pie caught up to Pinks.

Pinkie slowed down and matched Pinks hoofstep for hoofstep, about a foot to her side. "What are you sorry for?"

Pinks did not look in her direction at first. "I thought you'd never notice. I, I just wanted to be trusted, to be accepted."

Pinkie Pie looked on for a moment, then edged closer to Pinks and draped one forehoof over her twin while her other three legs kept up the pace, apparently having decided against jokes or baked goods in favor of an all-purpose hug. "Aww, it's alright. Umm! You wouldn't happen to be the mystery pony who helped them bake all those pies last year, were you?"

Pinks gulped. "Y-yeah. I...I figured you were a good baker, so if I wanted to borrow your trust, I had to do a good job."

"Well you didn't do a good job." Pinkie Pie squeezed Pinks. "You did a GREAT job! They were better than mine! Super-duper-fuper-mega-delicious! Can I have the recipe please? Oh, but first maybe we should stop running so I can write it down."

Pinks skidded to a halt. Pinkie Pie skidded right next to her, matching her perfectly but not breaking the hug.

Pinks blinked. "You...you just want the recipe? No other punishment?"

Pinkie Pie blinked back. "What punishment? For what?"

"Be...cause I stole your identity?" Pinks examined Pinkie Pie for any hint of duplicity, but found none. "I'm a-"

"-changeling who wanted to sample the love we share so you took on a pony face so you could go around without scaring everypony," Pinkie Pie finished, echoed word for word by Twilight, who had just teleported over.

Pinks' jaw dropped.

Twilight giggled, then gestured to Pinkie Pie. "May I?"

"Sure." Pinkie Pie released the hug and fished around in her mane for her notebook. "But I want that recipe when you're done!"

Pinks just stared, letting her disguise drop in a muted shower of green fire. When the pyrotechnics ended, what remained was indeed the insectoid pony-like form of a changeling: dark grey body, whiteless blue eyes, horn and wings and legs and tail with holes in them, and a fanged mouth. It was a thing of nightmares for many ponies, but Twilight could tell the only nightmares of imminent pain and death here were in Pinks' mind, especially with the other ponies catching up and forming a loose arc behind Pinks to keep her from running away.

"You're not the first," Twilight explained. "We don't exactly advertise it, but so long as you don't cause any problems and stick to a pony identity, most ponies will let you be. I mean, you're not an advance scout for the next changeling invasion, are you?"

Pinks shook her head. "Nuh-uh! Well I was, the first time, and they told me Pinkie Pie wouldn't be on the farm on this day of the year so I was to start with that, but when I came back after a day they cast me out, said I'd become too much like you already. I didn't know what to do, so I snuck off with an artifact that let me hibernate, hoping the hive would take me back after a while. I'd fed well enough to last a year, just by catching up on the family's memories and helping them bake so many pies. When I tried to go home the guards attacked me, s-so I wandered back here and fed again...and it worked, but I really didn't know what else to do so I slept another year then came back...b-but now you're here and you probably want to kill me or something..." Moisture gathered at the bottom rims of her eyes, accompanying the gentle whine in her voice.

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Ugh. Seriously. I know you feed on love, but if your queens would just tell you how love works you wouldn't even have to invade! I've tried talking to them but they never listen."

Pinks blinked.

"Okay, okay, let me give you an example. Lyra and Bon Bon. They came to Ponyville separately, not long before I did. They love and care for each other, but they never suspected the other one was a changeling until Chrysalis invaded Ponyville. Apparently, Bon Bon revealed herself and pleaded for them to spare Lyra, then Lyra revealed herself, so the changelings bound them up and left them for us ponies to decide their fate. Mayor Mare found them, and while she grilled them a lot, once they started going on about how they first met she was less suspicious than nauseous at their tale. That was when they discovered that they could manufacture love for each other – well, maybe that's not the best term, but they could feed on each other without draining each other. Changelings can make more energy than they use – though, eating like a pony might help with that; there haven't been formal studies, but I've been thinking of asking Cadance to help set up...anyway. The point is, if you want to be one of us, you just have to be one of us, if that makes sense?" Twilight mentally pinched herself for the flaws in her impromptu lecture and resolved to prepare a better one, with props, for the next time she had to give it.

Applejack's jaw hung open briefly. "Lyra. An' Bon Bon. Are changelings."

Twilight winced at Applejack's flat tone. "Sorry. I thought you'd heard."

"I thought Pinks here was the only one. I figured that was what was going on within an hour the first time, so I tried to talk her into staying but she wasn't having none of it. Heck, that was the reason I kept bugging you to come over, Twi, but when I asked there was always somepony else around so I couldn't just say I needed your help with a changeling. Since that wasn't working, I figured to keep Pinks out of sight – deep in the orchards would've been a little easier than in the barn – until she came around on her own or I could find some excuse to get you out here. I couldn't think of a way to ask her to change without telling her I knew, and I didn't want to scare her off for good." Applejack sighed. "I'll trust Lyra and Bon Bon if you do, they're good folk even if they ain't who they claim, but how many others-"

Pinks, having taken a moment to process Twilight's revelation, interrupted, "So, just...be a pony? That's the only condition, and you'll let me stay?"

"Sure." Twilight nodded. "Well...be your own pony. One Pinkie Pie is enough. But sure, that's the only-"

Pinkie Pie cleared her throat loudly. "Second condition."

Pinks bowed slightly to Pinkie Pie. "Name it. Anything, to make it up to you for borrowing your face."

Pinkie Pie brandished her notebook. "I'm still waiting on that recipe!"

By sunset, Stone Oven – a wandering earth pony who had decided to settle down, and learned to bake well during his travels – had been added to Ponyville's registry. His thick legs could buck or walk all day without getting sore. Per Rainbow Dash's suggestion, he was handsome enough to turn heads, but Rainbow insisted – suspiciously unprompted – that it would be easier for him to get somepony to fall in love this way, instead of just adding eye candy for when Rainbow was working the clouds. Twilight introduced him to Lyra and Bon Bon; the three soon became good friends, to the point that the town gossips were certain he was wooing both of the mares.

Pinkie Pie had important pranking duties that day, but took the next day to master the recipe. While she was not able to perfectly match the taste and texture, she declared it a good addition to her list, and many of her customers agreed.

Twilight went back to bed, and used that morning's interruption as an excuse to nap until almost noon. Afterward, she asked Rainbow's assistance in laying out measurements for a study of "Pinkinematics". Rainbow surprised Twilight with the depth of her thoughts on the subject, as if Rainbow had been planning her own study. Rainbow Dash was listed as a co-author on the resulting report, which she thought she would never live down until she received nothing but occasional compliments for it, even from the Wonderbolts.

Apple Bloom was grounded for the rest of the day, even if things had worked out alright, and tasked with cleaning out the nearby forest cave Pinks had hibernated in. She said she encountered a small group of changelings lurking around the farm who had come to collect their wayward member, and returned their artifact then scared them off by telling them the Apple family had discovered the infiltrator and baked her into pies but the changelings could have one if they wanted. Nopony believed that was why one of the pies had gone missing, especially with the crumbs on Apple Bloom's mouth. The changelings, on the other hand, ran for their lives when Apple Bloom dug into the pie right in front of them to prove it was not poisoned.