Quite Possibly the End of the Universe
“Mr. D.”
“Yes Mrs. Mulberry?”
“She’s…she’s here sir.”
“Sigh...send her in.”
“Right away Mr. D.”
He turned off the intercom with another sigh. Reaching under his desk, he produced a bottle of Buck Daniels and a shot glass.
“Faust give me strength.” As he performed the obvious, he gazed around his office. Plain white walls adorned with nothing but a clock happily ticking away greeted his gaze.
He idly wondered if any of it would be intact after she got done with it.
Knock, knock, knock.
He stashed the bottle under his desk. After taking a moment to compose himself, he answered professionally.
“Come in.”
The door burst open in an instant. Standing there was an achingly familiar pink pony with a cotton candy mane.
“Hiya Dee-dee-dee-dee!”
“Just D would be fine Ms. Pie.”
“Alright D. And my friends call me Pinkie Pie.” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.
“Sit down Ms. Pie.”
He grin fell away and she slowly trotted over to the vacant chair across from D. The grey earth pony took off his glasses and began wiping them with a rag.
“I suppose you know why you’re here.”
“Yooooooooooooou need me to throw you a super-awesome-amazingly-fantastic PARTY!”
“No.”
“Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere’s a giant balloon creature ravaging the land and you need me to stop it!”
“Not even close.”
“The property damage,” she said with a wince.
“No, but you’re on the right track.”
“Oatmeal?”
“Oatmeal? ARE YOU…” he stopped with a bemused expression on his face before promptly bursting out laughing. Pinkie joined him, albeit nervously. “You almost got me that time.”
“Yeah, heh-heh, how about that.” They continued for a few moments before D’s expression slipped back into his usual disappointed scowl. Something he liked to call his ‘teacher face.’
“No Ms. Pie, we are here for a far more serious matter.” He stood and walked around the side of his desk, giving her a good view of his profile. “Tell me Ms. Pie, what is on my flank?”
“Uuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmm, about ten extra pounds!”
“Yes, wait…NO!” He made a mental note to fire his personal trainer. “My cutiemark, Ms. Pie! What is my cutiemark?”
“A pane of glass?” she said with a smile.
“NO!”
“A window?” she said with a grin.”
“ABSOLUTLY NOT!”
“Plastic wrap?” she said, leaning back in her chair.
“SO FAR OFF IT’S ON THE MOON!”
“Oa…”
“IF YOU SAY OATMEAL, SO HELP ME, I WILL HAVE YOU COURT MARSHELED!”
“But, we’re not in the military,” said the now cowering Pinkie.
“I’ll find a way.” He said it with enough malice to make her 100% certain he could. “Enough of your games, Ms. Pie. WHAT! IS! ON! MY! FLANK!” She drew back with each word as if she had been slapped.
“The…the fourth wall.”
“YES!” He threw his arms up in exaltation before pacing around his desk, ranting as he walked. “Halleluiah, she can be taught! The fourth wall! My wall! The wall that I love and care for! Cherish and protect! The whole reason I was named Quadruple Dimension! My one duty in this whole goddess forsaken world! The job that I have done each and every day, with love and care, for almost as long as Celestia has been alive! And the thing you frequently TREAT WORSE THAN YOUR TOILET!”
“Well, I clean my toilet every week, so it’s not that…” He emitted a hateful growl, causing her to fall silent and shift in her chair uncomfortably.
“Tell me, do you know where your file is?”
“In there?” She pointed to a triple sized, five level filing cabinet with a large pink P plastered on the front.
“A good guess, but sadly mistaken.” He leaned in close, staring her straight in the eyes. “Your file is not in that cabinet. Your file could not fit in that cabinet. That cabinet is your file’s TABLE OF CONTENTS!” He slammed both of his hooves down on his desk so hard it cracked. “YOUR FILE IS KEPT IN A WAREHOUSE WE HAVE TO RENT FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF STORING ALL THAT PAPER! IN THE TIME WE’VE KNOW EACH OTHER, YOU HAVE ACCOUNTED FOR ROUGHLY 5% OF ALL PAPER USESAGE IN EQUESTRIA!”
She shook in her chair, eyes the size of dinner plates.
“Let’s just take a look at the summary shall we?” he said coolly. He reached under his desk and pulled out a single sheet of paper. “Bear in mind, this is about three days old so it may be off by a few thousand or so.” He cleared his throat and began reading.
“You discovered the fourth wall about twelve years ago correct?”
“Uh-huh, on the day I got my cutiemark.”
“And the humans appeared behind it about…one and a half years ago?”
“I think so.”
“Okay then, here’s the good bit. In that one and a half years, totaling up all the times they’ve seen you including canon material, fan fictions, artwork, animation, accessories, etc., you have broken the fourth wall a total of 3,578,693,484,536 times. Of that you have committed 4,938,622 serious infractions, destroyed 5,926 versions of Equestria, and almost completely torn apart the space time continuum, an act that would completely unravel the multiverse, exactly 273 times.”
“Well, maybe I have been going just a teensy little bit overboard.”
“A LITTLE! TWO YEARS AGO THIS DIVISION WAS ONE COLT: ME! I WORKED MAYBE THREE DAYS A YEAR AND KEPT ALL MY RECORDS IN A SINGLE FOLDER! THEN YOU SHOW UP, I HAVE TO HIRE 50 MORE PONIES, AND I’M WORKING 24/7!”
“But…”
“Do you have any idea what it’s like fixing cracks in the space time continuum? It requires the math skills of a god and split-second timing! One crossed spell, one stray pinch of arcane dust, one errant twitch, and KABLEWY!” She cringed, now on the verge of tears.
“I…”
“I, I, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT MS. PIE! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS MANURE! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU’RE DOING?”
“I’m…”
“YOU ARE ENDAGERING YOUR LIFE, MY LIFE, AND THE LIVES OF EVERY LIVING THING IN EXISTENCE!”
“Everything?”
“YES! WHAT DID YOU THINK ‘UNRAVELING THE FABRIC OF THE MULTIVERSE MEANT? A MISSED STICH ON A QUILT?”
*sniff*
D stopped his rant in its tracks. Pinkie stared down at the ground, eyes glistening as she took every word. The anger suddenly rushed out of him. Difficult job aside, he was an old softie and couldn’t stand to see somepony cry.
“Hey there…” He walked around the desk to put a hoof on her shoulder. “It’s alright.”
“No its not,” she said, shying away from him.
“Of course it is! We’re not dead yet, after all.” She looked up at him, still close to tears.
“But you said I was going to destroy everything.”
“Oh that…” he nervously scratched the back of his head, “I may have overreacted a little. One pony can’t destroy the multiverse.”
“They can’t?”
“Of course not. Even if you did somehow find a way you wouldn’t get all of it. There would be an infinite number of dimensions where you didn’t so the multiverse wouldn’t end. Look…” He leaned down to look her straight in the eye. “You don’t need to stop completely. The Wall’s a tough old girl. She can take the occasional jab or scrape, but not the sledgehammer blows you seem so fond of.”
“I…guess that makes sense.” A small smile appeared at the corners of her mouth.
“Is that a smile I see?” he asked with mock seriousness. The smile turned into a grin. “Oh come on Pinkie, you can do better than that.” She beamed at him. “There we go.” He stood up and walked back to his desk. “You really shouldn’t frown. It doesn’t look good on you.”
“I know.” She paused for a moment. “I’m sorry.” He broke out into a small grin.
“My dear, it’s not me you need to apologize to.” She thought this over for a second.
“Ok.” She turned to one of the walls, seeming to stare at nothing. D’s eyes widened in horror.
“No wait, Pinkie, don’t…”
“I’m really sorry for almost destroying your word,” she said cheerily.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
D froze on his desk, face contorted into a mask of horror, one hoof outstretched as if reaching to stop her. The mare’s pupils contracted and both her hooves slid over her mouth. She leaned back in her chair as if in fear…wait. Are you talking to me?
*CRACK*
WHAT THE HELL!
*SHATTER*
MY COMPUTER!
“Oh for Celestia’s sake!”
“Oops…”
YOU BROKE MY COMPUTER!
“What did we just talk about?”
“But I thought you said it could take it?”
“A few jabs Ms. Pie! I said it could take a few jabs. Not a nuclear bomb like TALKING TO THE AUTHOR! I mean what were you thinking?”
THIS LAPTOP COST $1500 DOLLARS!
“STOP SCREAMING! She didn’t break your laptop she broke the fourth wall?”
…What?
“That shattering. That was the fourth wall.”
…Are you telling me there is a portal to another dimension in my bedroom?
“Yes.”
FIX IT!
“Right. Mrs. Mulberry?”
“I heard. They’re on their way.”
“You’re the best.”
“I know.”
“See? It’s being taken care of.”
Fine. YOU!
“Uhhh…hi.”
DON’T YOU ‘UHHH, HI’ ME! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU’VE DONE! I JUST WROTE A WHOLE FANFIC TALKING ABOUT THIS CRAP!
“Yeah…YOU WROTE IT! IT'S YOUR FAULT!”
“She has a point.”
Oh…right. But you were the one who told her to apologize!
“Ahhh…so I did.”
“I guess it’s kind of all our faults huh?”
Yeah, I guess-
KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK
What’s going on in there? I heard screaming!
Oh crap! JUST A SECOND!
“Wait, what’s going-“
Sorry about this.
*Click*
“AHHH, why’d it go all dark?”
“I’d imagine he closed the screen.”
“Well why would he do that?”
“Would you like to explain to your parents how two cartoon ponies in a little girl’s show tore an inter-dimensional wormhole into your bedroom?”
…
…
“OH HEY! This reminds me of a funny story…”
“Oh no.”
“See Fluttershy was trying to treat these injured bats, but they were in a dark cave and she didn’t want to go alone…”
“What did I do to deserve this?”
“…so when we got there we found that the door was locked…”
“Great pay she says. Easy work she says. Eternal life she says.”
“…the dragon wanted to keep the cake, so we had to…”
“Maybe I should just throw myself off a bridge.”
“…and then we put the sword back into the throne and…”
“Would that work? Does eternal life mean immortality?”
“…so then he was all like ‘No Pinkie, I am your father,’ which I knew wasn’t true since my father is a rock farmer, not a sith…”
“Does she even listen to herself?”
“…and then I took an arrow to the knee…”
“No. No she doesn’t.”
“…so we went home. And that’s how-“
“NO IT’S NOT, PINKIE! THAT IS NOT HOW EQUESTRIA WAS MADE! EQUESTRIA WAS MADE WHEN SOME HOTSHOT HASBRO EXECUTIVE THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO USE A SHOW TO MARKET LITTLE GIRLS TOYS!”
“Well duh. I know that.”
“Things were so much simpler back in G1. I just had to deal with the occasional crayon drawing. Now…”
“Oh come on. Like you said, it’s not that bad.”
“Fanart, flash animation, custom toys, screensavers, comics, fanfictions, HiE, trollfics, don’t even get me started on the clopfics! And the self-inserts. THE HUNDREDS OF TERRIBLE SELF-INSERTS! EVERY DAY! FOREVER! OH FAUST WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?”
*CLICK*
Ok, I’m back. That was by far the most uncomfortable discussion of my…is he ok?
“Oh…he’s fine.”
“MOOOOOOOOMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!”
…Yeah. So how long until they fix this mess?
“I don’t know? D here usually takes care of the screw ups. But…”
“*whimper*”
I see…hey, do you think I could use this portal to…you know?
“I guess. If you can fit through the screen.”
Ah. Well it was worth a shot.
“WAIT! YOU!”
Me?
“YES YOU! YOU CAN FIX EVERYTHING!”
Ummm, how do you plan on me doing that?
“You’re the author. You control everything here.”
“He does?”
“Yes Pinkie he does. He’s the author for Faust’s sake.”
News flash, you guys did a lot of talking while I was gone and the words just kind of showed up.
“Exactly! You didn’t write those words. They are just a side effect of us talking to you. But, anything you do write instantly becomes true here.”
Wow.
“Do you realize what this means?”
“Well, I do, but go ahead. Indulge us.”
“You could use your super-amazingly-fantastic author powers to through a multi-verses shattering PARTY!”
“…”
…
“Or…you can take away her ability to see the fourth wall.”
“WHAT!”
I can?
“Yes you can. Just write her powers away and neither of us has to worry anymore.”
“YOU CAN’T DO THAT!”
“YES HE CAN!”
“But what about all that jab and scrape stuff?”
“That was before I had a way to ground you permanently. But now…”
Now.
“Do it.”
“NO! WAIT! PLEASE!”
Begging won’t help.
“I’M SORRY!”
It’s far too late for that, my dear.
Pinkie suddenly stopped, the expression of horror on her face suddenly turning to one of anguish. Her colors paled and her hair fell flat against her face. She felt the power, her knowledge of the fourth wall slowly draining away.
“YES!” cried D. He knew his moment of salvation was at hand. He let himself slip into maniacal laughter. Finally, after all these months of torment, he was going to be free of the annoying little-
“WAIT!”
What is it? I have two other fics to write you know.
“DON’T LISTEN TO HER!”
“I was just wondering…do you like Cupcakes?”
…
“…”
“…”
…
Suddenly D turned to Pinkie with an enormous smile on his face.
“Pinkie, my dear mare. I’ve changed my mind!”
“Really?”
“Of course! Forget what I said earlier. After all if this universe gets destroyed there are like five-bagillion others. Relax, have fun, have a party. Life’s just one big party anyway, right?”
“RIGHT!”
“Oh and don’t worry about that boring old file.” He turned to the filing cabinet and a lit match appeared in his hoof. He tossed it onto the cabinet, watching burst into flames, reducing the file (which now could magically all fit into one cabinet) to unreadable ash. “There we go. After all, if it’s not on file, it didn’t happen.”
“Exactly!”
“Now why don’t you run along. Can’t be stuck in here all day, far too much to do! And don’t worry about the wall. We can easily fix any mishaps you may have. Go on! And remember!” His smile stretched to agonizing limits. “HAVE FUN!”
“Thanks D!” She got up and skipped out of the office looking back at the grey earth pony one more time.
“No, thank you Ms. Pie. From the bottom of my heart.” She tossed a wink at the blank wall and left. Immediately the smile disappeared from D’s face. He slammed his head down on the desk with a loud thump. Wearily, he pressed his hoof down on the intercom.
“Mrs. Mulberry,” he said through the desk, “prepare yourself. I feel there is a large storm of manure heading this way.”
“Will do sir. Faust help us all.” The intercom clicked off.
Sitting up, he felt under his desk for the bottle of Buck. Finding it in good condition, he tore the cork out with his teeth and chugged the whole contents. Blissful warmth spread through him, numbing some of the old pain and preparing him for the tidal waves of fresh pain that were no doubt heading his way. He slammed the bottle on the desk.
“Thanks.”
Don’t mention it.
“Why did you have to go and do that? Isn’t my life bad enough as it is?”
She said Cupcakes, man. With a capital C. I don't want anything to do with that crap.
“Fair enough.
“…”
…
“You know we’re all gonna die, right?
Eeyup.
