The white haired Food Network star speed down the highway in his 1967Chevy Camaro SS Convertible.
"Next stop is an Apple Farm in a little town known as Ponyville." He spoke to the camera "But we're only there for a special ingredient. People say that a little lady down there that goes by the name Apple Jack. They say she is possibly the BLANDEST thing to ever exist. I think I got a chance at changing that!" The Camaro's roof unfolded as the car quickly increased speed slamming both Guy and his Cameraman against the headrests, and engulfing the convertible in white light.
The car sped through the vortex it created, blinding the cameraman, but Guy was left unharmed, for he had his signature sunglasses. The light dissipated from the vehicle and revealed to them a grassy plains, and a town in the distance. Guy accelerated the Camaro into the direction of the town. The townsponies scattered away from the car speeding into town, unconcerned with the surroundings. The red automobile screeched to a stop in front of the castle erected on the far side of the town. Guy stepped down along with his crew member focusing the shot towards him and the small door. Guy reached out to the door and slammed it three times in succession. Shortly after a purple colored horse pulled open the door.
"Hi! I'm Guy Fieri with Guy's Big Bite. I'm here to talk about your friend Apple Jack." He Smiled "Folks have been saying she's the blandest thing since plain rice. Would you agree?"
Twilight's brow furrowed in confusion "Apple Jack most certainly is not Bland. She's a great friend! She's kind, caring, and a very hard worker."
"Sounds plain to me, Guy." The Cameraman said
Guy spun around with an angered face "How many times have I told you NOT to speak when we're doing the show?"
"Show?" Twilight asked
"Just go with it." Guy instructed
"Uh, OK then"
"Anyone else around we can interview?"
"Anypony else?" Twilight corrected giving a point with her hoof
"No."
Twilight paused for a second "Well, Spike could say a thing or two." She turned her head into the castle "Hey, Spike! Somepony's here to talk to you!"
A small purple dragon dashed down the hall and to the front door
"Sweet a dragon!" Guy eyed the baby dragon
"Yup! The name's Spike!" He introduced himself cockily
"Nice" He offered his fist where the dragon quickly took the bump smiling "Alright. Let's get down to business. We heard about your friend Apple Jack. Folks say she's quite the bland character. Would you agree?"
Spike rubbed his neck "Well, she goes on adventures with Twilight a lot. Guess she has that going for her, but honestly when it's focused on her she really only goes on about apples. Other than that, nothing."
Guy spun back to the camera again, this time without the angry face, "Guess its true what they say. Apple Jack's character is flatter n' day old soda. Now let's find the little lady and see what we can do!"
The camera man and the star retreated to the convertible, speeding off and kicking up dirt as they traveled off to the farm.
The car passed under a sign high above the apple trees that read Sweet Apple Acres, which eventually lead to a red house sitting in the middle of the orchard. Guy spun the wheel, turning the car into the opening, where he saw a small orange mare in a cowboy hat.
"Is that horse a cowgirl?" The Cameraman asked
Guy shot him a glare "Apparently." causing the camera man to hang his head sadly
The Camaro slowed to a halt near the orange pony.
"H-hey y'all! Who are you?" She raised a hoof to her chin
"I'm Guy Fieri! I was told about how you're one a the blandest things around."
"Well that's mighty rude, who said that?" Her smile left
"Literally everyone. Thing is. I think I got a chance at changing that!"
Her smile grew back "Sounds great!" She stopped"Wait, this ain't one of them, makeovers is it?"
Guy turned back to the southern mare "Not exactly."
"Oh, alright. So what'ya got in mind?"
"You'll find out on this episode of Diners, Drive-Ins," Guy pulled his fist backwards "DIVES!" his fist rocketed into Apple Jack’s head rendering her unconscious body to fall to the ground.
"Guy!" What the fuck?!?" The cameraman dropped the recording
Guy turned to the man yet again shouting "Did I tell you to stop filming?!? Or do you want to have your children baked alive?"
The camera man raised the camera again shedding tears quietly, as Guy tied up the four legs of the unconscious mare. After slinging the pony over his shoulder he motioned to return to the vehicle. He popped the trunk and threw Apple Jack in.
Guy turned to the camera and spoke "Now that we've got out main ingredient, let's head back to the kitchen! See ya after the break."
The men stepped into the vehicle along with their 'special ingredient'. Guy drove the vehicle through the gateway again and down the path. He stepped on the gas, making the car accelerate rapidly, until its form dissipated from this plane of existence.
In the kitchen with Guy Fieri
Guy Fieri stepped down from the Camaro, and made his way back to the trunk, where the no longer unconscious Apple Jack shouted insults and rude name calling.
Guy flung open the trunk and Apple Jack went off "Listen here, ya white haired devil! Ma' friends will come n' get me! Then they'll blast ya' ta' kingdom come ya' hear!"
Guy ignored the talk from the bound horse. Slinging her over his shoulder, he made his way back into the house.
"Turn the camera on. We need to get this." Guy commanded the camera man
The cameraman quietly obeyed readying his shot. After giving the thumbs up guy slammed the horse onto the table as she screamed in pain as her back collided upon the solid counter top.
"Welcome back! Now that we've got our main ingredient, We gotta get our pieces of meat." Guy placed a large block of knives next to AJ from the other counter. "But first! We gotta tie it down."
AJ's eyes widened as she started to scream "No!!! Stop!!! Why are you doing this?!?"
Guy ignored the screams again, he grabbed some rope which he tied to the underside of the counter. "What you're gonna wanna do, is to take something to hold the horse down. It'll make easier for ya when you start cuttin'."
Guy undid her hogtied hooves, making AJ try to escape, but it was no avail. The man was far stronger than she was. He easily held her down and used the rope to tie her limbs down leaving her soft belly exposed. Tears streamed from her eyes as hope fully diminished. AJ's screams were in vain, as no one would come save her from the master chef.
"Now that we've got it tied down, we can finally get to cutting for our pieces." Guy Picked a large butchers knife
Apple Jack clenched her eyes and bellowed blood curdling screams, knowing the dark end was upon her. Guy took the blade and rose it high into the air, where a beam of light caught the edge. His Arm brought down the metal blade into the inside of her left hind leg, causing a red wave to spew from the wound while she howled in pure agony as the blade only sliced halfway through. Guy rose the blade high into the air a second time, bringing it down upon the same spot, releasing the leg from Apple Jack's body and letting loose her life fluids onto the counter again.
Guy turned to the camera "Now that we got our meat, we need to get the liver. Now, not lots of people like it, but it really goes great in this stew."
His gaze fell upon a long knife laying in the block. He slowly pulled it from the wooden sheath and brought it to the bleeding pony. Her eyes completely widened, and her mouth fully agape from the trauma she endured. Guy brought the blade slowly above her chest, pointing the tip towards her soft skin. Guy grinned as he plunged the blade into her, sending the horse into a howl of pure anguish and causing blood to spray like a faucet. His grin persisted while he dragged the blade across her chest letting the sanguine fluids leak from her body. Guy pulled the blade from her chest and hovered it across her body dripping beads of blood across her, and down to the belly, sticking it into her skin and dragging it across her body yet again spraying her inner fluids from her body. He pulled the bloodied blade out again, and connected the two slashes with a bloody slice, all this time the howls of anguish grew slowly quieter.
Guy looked into the camera "This is a fun part!" he reached below the counter bringing more rope
Guy quickly fashioned a noose to one side and threw the other over a low hanging bar. He quickly pushed the noose over the bloodied mare. Her breath, now shallow and eyes waned life. The master chef grabbed the other side of the rope, yanking it and raising AppleJack high into the air as her blood gushing once more onto the floor. Her blood drenched fore hooves barely raising, attempting to claw at the tightening rope. The man then tied the rope down, leaving her suspended in the air, returning to her front where he peeled open the freshly sliced flesh, as the light from AppleJacks’ eyes finally swept away. Guy took the blade from the table with his right hand, as he dug into the innards of the deceased apple farmer with his left. He began slicing the organs free from the her corpse letting them fall to the ground with yet more blood. He pulled a blood drenched organ out, the light red meat shimmered in the light as guy lifted it above his head, letting a familiar chime echo around his being.
"Now that we've gotten that, and the horse is no longer with us. We can Finally get down to cookin'!"
Guy pulled the liver and the haunch off the table and placed them along with his other ingredients. "Now, first thing you wanna do is take both your meats and place em in a large pan, Make sure it's large enough to hold lots of liquid too." He pulled out a skillet "Take some butter and some olive oil, heat it in the pan, like so." he took a clean knife and chopped a block of butter placing it in the pan, and dashing some the oil as well. After it heated, he threw in the entire bloody leg and liver, letting the liquid seep out of the leg as it cooked.
He turned back to the camera "Let that brown for a while and we'll get back to ya after the break!" He threw his fingers up into a points towards the lens.
Guy pushed AppleJacks’ haunch of meat and liver around in the pan, as it turned a light shade of brown. Guy turned to the camera.
"Hey! Welcome back! Meat's just about ready. What you're going to want to do is, take the meat out of the pan but don't turn down the heat."
He pulled the browned meat from the pan setting it upon a plate beside the stove.
"Then you're going to wanna throw in some garlic and onions. Let me cook till they're softened. Should take about 3 minutes." he quickly chopped the vegetables and threw them into the sizzling pan.
"In the mean time, why don't we chop up some more vegetables for later on. What you'll wanna have is some carrots, parsnips, and turnips." Guy turned to his refrigerator opened it, and pulled the veggies from their spots.
After rinsing them in the sink he sat them around a wooden cutting board
"Just slice these bad boys up and set them aside for later." He turned his attention back to the pan of sizzling onions and garlic.
"What we do now, is take the meats n' put em back in the pan." he did just that, while the blood still dripped from the leg.
"Now you're going to wanna take a can of beer, anything will do, and just pour that sucker in there." The room temperature beer boiled instantly inside the pan
"Then take a hint of Worcestershire sauce, 4 cups of some good ol' beef broth, and some tomato sauce." he poured the liquids down into the heat.
"Next thing, take one n a half teaspoons a sugar, a pinch a paprika, pinch a kosher salt, n' lastly grind some good black pepper into it. Now then, we'll let that simmer with a cover on it. Take's 'bout one and a half to two hours. So see ya then!"
Guy's eyes emitted pure white light as he looked into the air, rising off the floor at the same time. His arms extended outwards, while his mouth gaped open. He emitted demonic chanting without moving his mouth. Time altered around him as he rose ever higher into the air. Twenty minutes rocketed by in an instant while the pan sat, cooking the meal inside. Forty minutes zipped by. An hour. Guy finally finished chanting while the light dissipated from his eyes. Then he lowered his head. arms, and being. His footing met the floor again. His smiled returned and he looked into the camera
"Welcome back! Now the meat's just about done, we'll put the veggies in!" He pulled the lid away from the pan "Smells amazing. Now, put in the veggies and let it sit for about thirty minutes. In the mean time, we can take out the trash."
Guy turned to the defiled mare's corpse and pulled several trash bags out from his cabinets. He gathered the organs into a few of the bags, and chopped the rope, letting the deceased mare fall to the ground. Guy grabbed the rope and dragged the corpse behind him, walking out the back door and into a shed, which had plastic set all around the floor and walls. He pulled the chainsaw that was set out, yanking the ignition cord instantly revving the engine on. He took a few steps towards Apple Jack's corpse, letting loose the blades, cutting her poor body into small chunks and splattering blood across the plastic.
Guy stood up, looking over the chunks of Apple Jack and scooped them into the remaining bags. He heaved them over his shoulders, moving the bags to the side of his house where large bins sat. He placed the sacks into the bin. He returned to the kitchen where the pan still simmered. "Alright! Now that the trash is outta the way, it's been roughly thirty minutes." He washed his hands in the sink "The veggies should be good n' tender now." he lifted the lid smelling the stew "Aw man, this is total money baby." he pushed the veggies around the pan. "Now the liquid is gettin' lower, we're going to put a lil' bit a flour into it to thicken the stew up. But that's up to you." He turned over to the bar part of his kitchen.
"I always like to have a drink with my meal. So why not do something apple related?" Guy pulled a shaker from the shelf. along with Absolut Vodka and Apple Pucker Schnapps. Then moved to the refrigerator to grab a bottle of Apple juice. He returned and filled the Shaker with ice, a long pour of Vodka, a dash of Apple Schnapps, and some Apple Juice. After shaking the beverage, he poured it into a glass and took a well deserved sip.
The wall burst down knocking down Guy Fieri. The dust settled to revealed a slender man with blond hair.
"What the Fohk' is goin' on in here!?!"
Guy jumped to his feet "Ramsay! You just broke down my wall! What the fuck man?!?"
"I sensed a disturbance in the food you fohkin' donkey!"
"What the hell do you mean disturbance?!?"
"I mean that pile of shit you call a dish, you fat American cow!"
"You did NOT just come into Flavor Town, and Insult my dish!"
"This sorry excuse for a dish is the most horrible thing I have ever seen. Get this shit outta my sight!"
The wall beside Gordon Ramsay also burst down, revealing a small purple Alicorn princess and her assistant dragon.
"Everypony get down!" She shouted
"What the fohk ' is this fohkin; unicorn piss stain?!?" Gordon shouted
"Excuse me?"
"Oh so you've also got a hearing problem? Or are you just a retarded fuck?"
"Wow. He's rude." Spike jumped off Twilight's back
"Yeah, I know..." Guy bumped the dragon's fist
"Sorry. Did I hurt your fokin' feelings?"
"Y-Yes! Yes you did!" Twilight huffed
"Get fohkin' used to it! Now tell this fat American his dish is the worst thing to happen since Mewtwo returning to Smash."
"What's Mewtwo and Smash?" Spike asked
"None of your FOHKIN' business that's what!"
Twilight walked over to the bubbling pan of food and lifting the lid away with her magic "It certainly smells delicious." she picked a fork from the table and prodded the stew having the meat tear with the smallest touch. The stabbed a carrot and tore the meat from the bone. "Here I go..." She gulped worriedly.
"Are you going to eat this pile of shit. Or are you going to stand there and waste my fokin ' time?!?"
Twilight gulped and placed the bits of stew in her mouth, chewing it slowly with her eyes shut tightly.
"You O.K. Twilight?" Spike placed a claw on her arm
Twilight swallowed the meat, and she paused with complete shock "I-it's really bland actually."
Guy gasped in horror!
"Now see. What did I fohkin' Tell you?!? Your dish is shit."
"It's kinda bland. But..." Twilight paused
"But what? Or do you want to waste more fohkin' time?"
"It still kinda tastes..." She glared down into the pan "It still kind tastes somewhat like apples..."
Guy fell to his knees shedding a tear from his eye "Emeril-Senpai... I've failed you."
Gordon walked up to him and bent over, staring him dead in the eyes "You fohkin' disgrace. Emeril-senpai never loved you, youfohkin' piece of shit. I hope you never fohkin' cook again."
Twilight broke the moment "Uh, excuse me."
"Can't you see I'm hurting here!?!" Guy squeaked through his self pity
"Have you seen Apple Jack? Big Mac says you were with her last."
Guy stood up, like he hadn't been crying "Oh yeah, I killed her to cook in my dish."
Author's Note
I'm not sorry.
