Surrogate Dashie
by
Jake The Army Guy
Saturday nights at The Rusty Horseshoe, Ponyville’s preferred—and only—bar, were anything but quiet. The citizens of Ponyville gathered there every weekend to drink away the troubles of the workweek to the sounds of caterwauling karaoke and a bouncing jukebox. While the inside was indeed alive with joyous, drunken sounds, the rooftop patio was a different story.
Normally buzzing with conversation and laughter, the packed roof was blanketed in a tense silence, save for the occasional gasp and sip at a tankard of Granny Smith’s Private Reserve. The patrons all sat perched upon the edge of their barstools, alcohol-soaked eyes fixed squarely on the pegasus standing on the bar.
In an impressive show of balance, Rainbow Dash took a swig from the tankard of cider in her left hoof while gesturing wildly with the other. “So, there I am, high above the Cloudisseum, soaking in the adoration of my crowd. I had just finished my pairs flight, me and Misty Fly flying turns around Soarin and Rapid Fire. But, of course, everypony’s eyes were on me, thousands of ponies screaming my name!"
Behind the bar, Berry Punch sniggered and leaned over to whisper into Big Macintosh's ear, "So humble, isn't she?"
"Eeyup," Mac replied as he watched his marefriend in her element: bragging to everypony and anypony who would listen.
"When all of a sudden, bam!" A few slack-jawed ponies jumped as Rainbow Dash slammed her hoof onto the bar, then hovered in the air. "Fleetfoot botches her trick and slams into me!”
A small gasp came from a pony in the back of the bar. “Were ya okay?”
Dash shook her head with a grin. “I was out cold. Fleet may have a mean lisp, but she has a meaner body weight. So, I start falling like a sack of bricks." Dash flipped her body upside-down, using her awesome alcoholic jiujitsu to keep her mug rightside up. "The crowd is screaming, crying! The rest of the ‘Bolts racing to try and catch me, but they all miss. I'm falling to my certain doom! All hope seems lost! I'm about to become an awesome stain on a cloud!"
A chorus of loud gasps came from the crowd. "Didjya survive?!"
"Hayseed, how could she be here t' tell us if'n she died?"
"Uh, iunno... voodoo? Ow!" His friend smacked him in the back of the head.
"Uh, so... yeah!" Rainbow continued, still hovering above the bar, upside-down. "Then, just as I'm about to hit the ground..."
“Your ego broke yer fall?” Big Macintosh chimed in from his seat at the bar.
“Shaddup,” Rainbow said, flicking his nose with her tail. "Right before I hit the ground, I come to, flare my wings out, flip over, bounce off a cloud, and blammo! Land on all four hooves!" Making a few large dips and dives, she slammed down on the deck, wings flared. "And that is how the Fatal Filly Fakeout was born!"
The patio erupted in loud cheers, the floor shaking under the wild stomping of hooves. Rainbow took to the air and gave a few deep bows.
"More, more!"
"Sorry, ponies. You'll just have to come to the next show." She blew a raspberry at the disappointed groans, then flew down to her seat next to Big Mac. She leaned in hard to her earth pony beau, intertwining their tails. "Besides, I'm on a date."
Mac smiled at her. "Ain't like you to turn down a crowd." He leaned in closer, bringing them forehead to forehead.
"First rule of show business, babe. Always leave them wanting more." She pressed forward into a deep kiss. She let their tongues dance for just a moment before pulling back just enough that their noses were still touching. "Thanks for coming down tonight."
"Wouldn't miss it fer the world, honey. Only what, thirteen days til the next leg of the tour?"
A tiny groan of disappointment escaped her. "Twelve, and I know it's the middle of Applebuck season, and you're probably so busy—"
He silenced her with a tiny kiss. "I'll always have time for you, Little Bird."
Though Rainbow would deny it till the day she died, a shiver ran through her body at his dulcet basso. "Mmmm, why are you so... so awesome?"
"Close proximity to the source," he whispered before pulling her back for another kiss.
"Aww!" Both ponies jerked apart and blushed hotly as Berry Punch stared at them dreamily from behind the bar. "You two are so cute together!"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Rainbow glared at the earth pony. "I am not 'cute,' thank you very much."
Berry giggled as she filled a mug with cider and slid it down the bar. "Yeah, you're pretty adorable, Dashie."
Rainbow cringed at the nickname and took to hovering just above her stool. "Look, there are many words that can be used to describe me: awesome, cool, strong, athletic, sexy, charming..."
"Humble," Mac said.
"Modest," Berry said.
"Yeah, those, too." Rainbow plopped back onto her stool. "The point is that of all the many things I am, 'cute' is not one of them."
Berry and Mac shared a grin. "Sorry, Rainbow," Berry said, leaning over the bar. "The votes are in and the diagnosis is terminal: you're cute as a button."
"Eeyup," Mac agreed as he booped Dash's nose.
Rainbow crossed her forelegs and harrumphed, puffing out her fuzzy cheeks. " 'm not cute," she pouted cutely.
"D'aww!" said the entire bar.
"Grr, just... just shut up give me another cider, booze jockey! And you—" Rainbow poked Mac with a hoof—"better stop pressing your luck, buddy."
"Oh?"
"Yeah! You bagged the awesomest, sexiest, most mind-bogglingly talented mare in Equestria!” She brushed some imaginary dust off her shoulder before inspecting her hooftip. “Show a little thanks that I even give you the time of day, let alone love you, hayseed!"
"I love yew, too! Ow!"
“Shut up and drink, Hayseed.”
Mac leaned onto the bar. "Oh, lucky me."
"Heh, darn right, lucky you! I mean, I could have my pick of any stallion in Equestria! Stallions are lining up around the block for me! Ponies are falling out of the sky to get ahold of me!"
A pony fell out of the sky and grabbed ahold of her. Rainbow barely got out an "oof" before tumbling across the floor of the patio. The two-pony tumbleweed knocked over tables, chairs, and ponies in a flurry of grunts and shrieks before finally coming to a halt at the edge of the patio.
Groaning, Rainbow Dash groggily sat to her haunches. "Gubba-flubba-huzzah-bwua-huh?" She slapped herself several times in an effort to focus her vision... and then slapped herself again once it did as she gaped at the teal mare seething at her through tear-streaked eyes. "L... Lightning Dust?!"
"Home-wrecker!" she shrieked, right before tackling Rainbow again, sending the two careening off the patio.
Back at the bar, Berry Punch sighed and turned to Mac. "I think you're gonna need another round."
"Eeyup."
Ten minutes, nine haymakers, six Germane suplexes, and four shots of Apple whiskey later, the two mares sat opposite one another at a table. Rainbow scowled petulantly at Lightning, who petulantly scowled back at her. Macintosh sat beside his marefriend, a set of tweezers holding an alcohol-soaked cotton ball in his mouth as he tended to a few of her wounds.
Rainbow opened her mouth to break the angry silence, but only got out a totally not girlish yelp as Mac touched the cotton ball to a nasty abrasion on her flank. "Ow! Watch it!"
"Wuth," he said.
She glared at him for a moment before turning to Lightning Dust. "So, you ready to tell me why I had to kick your flank?"
"You ruined my li-eeyow!" Lightning glared at Berry, who just grinned and kept swabbing at the cut on her shoulder.
Rainbow laughed. "I'm sorry, I could hear you through you squealing like a fill-eeyowch!"
Mac once more pressed firmly on the dressing covering her cutie mark. "All done, honey."
"I was saying you ruined my life!" Lightning said, tears once more welling in her eyes.
"Oh, for cryin' out loud, you're still on that?" Rainbow stood from her stool to advance on the distraught mare. "Look, you're reckless, you don't listen to orders, and you put innocent ponies in danger just to make yourself look good. Face it, sister: you're a douchenozzle!"
“I’m not talking about that!”
“Then what?”
Lightning’s puffy eyes bored into Rainbow. “You ganked my waifu!”
“Uh, I did what to your waffle?”
"No, my waifu! My lover! My one true love." She slumped dejectedly onto the table. "The one pony with whom I could have found true happiness. And you took that from me!"
Rainbow Dash rounded on Macintosh. "Did I? Something you wanna tell me, Mackie?"
Mac violently shook his head. "Nnnope!"
"No, not him!" Lightning Dust spat. "I'm talking about... her." She gave a dreamy sigh.
"Oh, her." Macintosh smirked at his marefriend.
"What?! Just what are you trying to—"
"Uh-oh, fellas," said a drunk stallion from behind them. "Looks like Rainbow has some filly-mama drama!" A wave of raucous laughter erupted from the bar.
"What?! No, I don't!"
"Aww, it's—hic—it's okay. We all have ex-marefriends that come back to bite us."
"I don't have an ex-marefriend. I never had a marefriend."
"Psh, yeah, right."
Rainbow growled and took to the air. "This again?! Why does everypony always just assume I'm a fillyfooler?!"
A moment of silence.
"The mane."
"The mane cut."
"The attitude."
"The behavior."
"The—"
"S-Shut up! Rainbow shouted. "Who asked you?!"
"You did," came the chorus response.
"Grr, do none of you ninnies get that I am currently on a date with my coltfriend?!" She slammed down in her barstool and threw a leg over Mac.
"Hey," the drunk pony slurred. "Even John Trotvolta had a cover wife."
"For Pete's sake, what do I have to do to prove this?!" With a loud growl, she tackled Mac to the ground, crushed her body atop his, and didn't so much kiss him as try to shove her tongue down his throat. Mac protested for approximately half a millisecond before rolling his eyes and letting it happen. Several stallions in the bar inched closer to the amorous display, perking their ears to Mac's pleased groans as Rainbow shamelessly ground her hips against his.
After several more moments of bliss, Rainbow pulled back with a loud gasp, a thin line of saliva linking the two for just a moment before snapping. She locked eyes with her beau for a few seconds, both slightly glazed with passion, before standing up and grinning smugly at the amazed crowd. "Now are you convinced?!"
"Uh, I think I could use another demonstration," Mac said.
"Later," Rainbow said, stepping over him to sit back down at the table across from Lightning Dust. "Now, what were... aww, dude, really?!"
Lightning flushed hard and drew in her wings. “Sorry.”
“Okay, I think we’re all getting sidetracked,” Berry Punch said as she walked up to the table carrying two mugs of cider. “Now, Miss... Dust, was it?” Lightning Dust nodded. “Why don’t you start from the beginning. Why do you think Dash stole your marefriend?”
“Well,” Dust started, “we had just finished a really romantic dinner.” A smile graced her lips. “It was so nice. We had wine, a nice eggplant parmigiana with chocolate souffle for dessert, and we laid down together by the fireplace at her house.”
“It’s like eighty degrees tonight,” Mac whispered.
Rainbow flicked his nose with a wing. “Shh.”
“We’ve been together for a few weeks now, and well... w-we had maybe a bit too much wine. So, we started cuddling.”
“Yeah?” Berry said.
“Then we started kissing...”
“Yeah?” came a voice from behind, followed by a sound of something dragging along the hardwood floor.
“Then I started nibbling on her neck...”
“Yeah?” said several voices, along with more dragging sounds.
“Then I kissed my way down her chest..."
More dragging sounds. "Yeah?"
"Then I... hey, back off!” she snapped, finally noticing that every male in the bar had inched closer until she could smell whiskey breath and hormones in the air. The stallions grumbled and went back to their tables. “Anyway, just as I was working my way down to her—”
“Okay, can we skip to the part where you decided to try and rip my wings off?” Dash said.
“Aww,” chorused the rest of the bar.
Lightning Dust cleared her throat, then glared at Dash. “She called out your name!”
“Wat?”
“Yes!” Dust shouted. “Right as I reached—”
“Yeah, yeah, we got that part!” Dash said. “So what?! I mean, I’m a Wonderbolt. My poster is on the bedroom wall of nearly every filly and colt in Equestria. Well, the awesome ones, anyway. Of course some of them wanna.... well, you know...”
“I think what Dash is trying to say,” Berry interrupted, “is that it was probably just a slip of the tongue.”
“Poor choice of words, Berry,” Mac muttered from behind his mug.
“Not helping,” Dash said.
“Anyway,” Berry continued, “it sounds like you really like this mare. Are you going to throw away everything you have together because of a slip... er, a minor screw up?”
“I don’t wanna,” Dust whined after a hearty gulp from her mug, “but what can I do? It’s not just some filly crush, I know it’s not.”
“Well, how do you know that?” Dash said.
“She’s... uh...” Lightning Dust bit her lip, eyes darting across the bar for several seconds. “S-she’s been, um, following you for a long time now. I can’t say anything more, really, but I just know it.”
“Okay,” Berry said, easing into a stool next to Dust and putting a hoof on her slumped shoulder. “But you love her?” Dust nodded morosely. “Well, then you’ll find a way around it. My husband and I, Celestia rest his soul, used to fight all the time, but we always made it through.”
“How?” Dust said with a little sniff, sipping at her cider.
“Well, whenever I got really mad at him, I’d calm myself down by thinking about why I loved him in the first place. Tell me,” Berry said, “what do you love about her? Think of everything that attracts her to you.”
Lightning Dust gave a goofy grin. “She’s cocky and brash, but she has a heart of gold. She’s headstrong and forceful, but she can be a real sweetheart when she lets her shields down. She’s athletic and powerful, but she has a feminine grace to her every action. She’s just so... so...”
“Rainbow Dash?” Mac offered.
“Hmmm, yeah, she’s so Rainb—” A resounding crash as she dropped her mug and jerked upright. “I mean... n-no!”
“Wait, so...” Dash’s brow furrowed, the wheels in her head turning as fast as they could. Finally, she doubled over on her stool, one fuzzy hoof slapping the table under a fit of giggles. “Pfffttt-bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! You went and found another me, didn’t you! You were so butt-crazy in lurve with me that... that you... y-you...” The broad grin melted into a grimace. With the speed of all her training, Dash leapt back from the table as if it were some feral beast, her disgusted eyes boring into Lightning Dust. “Oh, eww!”
“Dashie,” Mac hissed. “Stop it.”
“No, you don’t get it, do you?” Dash pointed a hoof at the despondent Dust. “She is so obsessed with me that she found a... I dunno, a stand-in or something, like a... a...”
“Substitute?” Mac offered.
“Replacement?” Berry said.
“I did not!” Dust shrieked. “I am not in love with you, Dash! Not with your stupid grin, messy mane, mean attitude... big wings... toned flanks... huge—”
“Please stop!” Dash growled.
“Aw, but she was just getting t’ the good part,” Mac teased.
“Quiet, you!" Dash flew back to the table, glaring at Lightning Dust. “Look, I’m sorry, but how is any of this my fault?”
The angry look in Dust’s eyes died, and she slumped forward onto the table. “It’s... oh, it’s not,” she whimpered. “I just didn’t know what else to do. When she said your name like that, so full of lust, desire, need—”
“We get it!”
Dust flinched at Dash’s yell. “Well, I just flew off.” A few moments passed, and then Lightning Dust’s eyes began to shimmer with tears. “Oh, Celestia, I just left her there. I... I’ve lost her...”
Rainbow scowled at her, but before she could answer she turned when she heard the bell above the door ringing. She cocked an eyebrow when she saw a familiar light blue stallion trot into the bar.
Soarin didn't notice the ponies staring at him, some awed at the appearance of another celebrity, and others annoyed at the way that he'd rather broken the tension. Either way, he trotted across the room to the bar. As he passed Big Mac, the annoyed glare on his face melted into a shaky grin for a split second, answered by a distrusting glare from the farmer.
"Hey, Soarin!" Rainbow called out.
Soarin walked right past her and looked to Berry Punch. “A shot of apple whiskey and a cider chaser, now.” Berry placed the requested drinks in front of him, and he wasted no time in slamming down the shot, grimacing at the burn for only a second before taking a long pull from the tankard of ale. Letting out a sigh, he finally turned to Dash. “Hey, Rainbow. Great night for a drink, eh?”
"You have no idea," Rainbow muttered, taking a drink from her own mug before eying Soarin. "What are you doing here? Mac and I went out so you and AJ could have the house to yourselves!"
“Don’t remind me,” Soarin groused.
“Wait, what?”
Soarin took another generous drink from his cider. “Well, me and AJ had just finished dinner, and just as I was about to start eating her pie—”
"La la la, not listenin'!" Mac shouted, covering his ears.
Rainbow rolled her eyes and gave him a light punch to the shoulder. "Oh, grow up. They were having dessert, ya perv."
Soarin frowned. "Uh, no, actually. I was about to go down on her."
"La, la, la!”
Rainbow sighed, ignoring her coltfriend. "Then what? I’m assuming something interrupted?”
Soarin looked annoyed. "You could say that. We got a visitor."
"Who—"
At that point, the bell rang again, and a familiar orange pegasus mare staggered in, looking as if she were ready to topple over at any moment. Even from the distance, she could smell the booze radiating off her in waves. “Gimme a—hic—a stiff drink a’ somthin’ before I start seeing straight again.”
"Spitfire?!" Dust shouted, causing the mare to look over at her.
"Dust?" she slurred. Spitfire swayed on her hooves, trying to look angry, but not really succeeding. "Why're you here?"
"Why are you here?" Dust asked, looking rather angry. "You gotta lot of nerve showing up—"
"At this public building that you also happened to be visiting?" one stallion said.
"Yeah!" Dust paused, then glared at the one who'd spoken. "Shut up."
"Okay, what's going on?!" Dash shouted. "Why are you two yelling at each other?"
Dust aimed a hoof at Spitfire, who seemed to be staring at one of the ceiling lights with a strange fascination. "She's the one that shouted your name."
Rainbow Dash lifted a hoof into the air, but froze. "Wait... what?”
“The whole time we were together you were dreaming about her,” Dust shouted, pointing a hoof at the still shell-shocked Rainbow Dash. “Using me like some cheap skank to live out your sexual fantasies!”
At these words, Spitfire’s fascination with the lights ended. She snapped her head around to stare at Dust, nearly falling off the barstool and smacking Soarin in the back of the head with one of her wings.
“Me?! What about you?! You were the one who dressed up like her for Nightmare Night!” Spitfire shouted, glaring at Dust from across the bar.
“Well, you’re the one who wanted to have sex afterwards!" Lightning Dust shouted back, her face growing red as she got to her hooves and started to march towards Spitfire. “Admit it! That was the hardest you ever ca—”
“What?” Rainbow Dash said, a hoof still hanging in the air.
“Like you didn’t!” Spitfire was now getting to her hooves, staggering a bit and having to use her wings for support. “You made me wear Rainbow Dash panties!”
“Rainbow Dash has her own line of panties?” Berry whispered to Mac.
“Eeyup.”
“Oh.” Berry looked over to the the still motionless Dash. “She, uh... she doesn’t actually own—”
“Seven pairs.”
“Wow.”
“Eeyup.”
“Like you didn’t enjoy it!” Lightning Dust shrieked. The two were now standing in front of one another, shouting as loud as they could.
“What?” Dash said.
“Alright,” Soarin said, getting up from his stool. “I think my portion here is done, so if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go back to my marefriend and—” he flinched at a testicle-crushing glare from Mac—“h-have a quiet intellectual conversation with little to no physical contact.”
“Eeyup.”
As Soarin flew away, Berry leaned in to Mac. “You’re kind of a jerk, you know that?”
“Mmmmaybe...”
“What?!”
Rainbow Dash’s shout echoed across the rooftop. Lightning Dust and Spitfire both flinched. Every stallion that had tried to inch closer to the fighting mares instantly looked down at their drinks, attempting to look as small as possible.
Rainbow Dash pointed at both mares. “You two are...” Her gazed shifted to the wobbling Spitfire. “So you’re the one who...” Dash’s hoof danced between Dust and Spitfire. “And so you’re both...” Her jaw worked up and down several times, producing no sound. When she finally found her breath, she didn’t fare much better. “Buh... huh... wuh... guh...”
Wordlessly, Berry placed a full shotglass into Dash’s hoof. When she still didn’t move, Mac dutifully pushed Dash’s hoof to her mouth, tilted her head back, and poured the fiery liquid down her gullet. Dash’s eyes bulged and she swallowed.
“Okay... okay. Well, congratulations, you two.” Dash once more gestured to both Dust and Spitfire. “Chocolate milk rain and magic-stealing centaurs are no longer the weirdest things to ever happen to me.”
“Now look here, mmmmmissy,” Spitfire slurred, jabbing a shaking hoof at Dash. “I’m, I’m, I’m still yer comma—hic—command—hic—yer boss, so you need ta—”
“Ma’am, with all due respect, can it.” Rainbow Dash sighed. “Look, it’s obvious that you both totally have the hots for me.”
“What?! N-no, I don’t!” Dust yelled.
When Spitfire also denied it, Dash rolled her eyes, turned around, and lifted her prismatic tail as high as she could.
Pomf!
Pomf!
“Eeyup.”
Dash turned back around. “Like I said, you both wanna bone me. And that's fine! Besides, who can blame you? I’m awesome! Shaddap!” She whipped her head to face Mac. “Before you even start.”
Mac just held up his front hooves, running one across his sealed lips.
She turned back to the two mares. “But, I’m sorry to say, you can’t have me.” She walked over to the bar, sitting down in the stool next to Mac. “I’m taken, and I plan to be for a long time.”
Mac nodded sagely. “Eeyu... uh, y-you do?” he said through a growing blush.
“But hey, it looks like you both found something!” Dash got up from her seat to stand back near Dust and Spitfire. “You still love each other, don’t you?”
Sniffling, Lightning Dust turned to Spitfire. Their eyes met, and Dust once more found herself lost in those orange pools. “Y-yeah. Spitty—”
Mac snerked, only to receive a wing-slap from Dash. “Shh.”
Dust continued, “I’m sorry for yelling. And I... I-I shouldn’t have just stormed off like I did.”
“Nah,” Spitfire mumbled, “i-it was my fault, Duster. It was just... aw, heck, we’ve just come off tour! I’d been staring at Rainbow Dash’s perfect, pert little butt in the showers for weeks!”
“Ugh, I think I’m gonna shower in my uniform from now on,” Dash said with a shudder.
“Hey, at least she has good taste,” Mac replied, this time snapping his tail across her rump. He and Berry both chuckled at Dash’s yelp and subsequent blush.
“I-I didn’t mean ta call out her name, baby,” Spitfire whimpered, tears in her eyes. “And besides, I think we’ve both known about this for a while now.”
“Yeah,” Dust said. “We both have... issues about Dash. But, we have to get over them somehow.”
“Look, you’re both basically me," Rainbow Dash said, and pointed a hoof at Lightning Dust. "Just less awesome, and..." she cast her eyes towards the still-wobbling Spitfire, "well, more drunk. So, can’t you just... I don’t know, pretend or something?”
A long period of silence passed between both mares. Their eyes each drifted across the other’s toned physique, broad wings, coltish manecuts, and brash eyes. In a flash, both mares collided with each other and locked lips. They fell to the ground, teeth nipping, hooves grabbing and squeezing, wings intertwined.
“Oh, Rainbow Dash!” Lightning Dust moaned.
“Oh, Rainbow Dash!” Spitfire groaned.
“Oh, brother.” Rainbow Dash turned to Mac, but groaned and rolled her eyes as she saw his hanging jaw and growing blush. “Ugh, really, dude?”
Mac snapped back to reality at her words, shaking his head and straightening his back. He looked to her apologetically, but furled his eyebrows instead. “Well, speak fer yerself, ya ravin’ egomaniac,” he said, pointing to Rainbow Dash’s slowly extending wings.
Dash blushed. "Okay... Maybe it is a little bit awesome I have ponies so in love with me that they substitute each other for me."
“Eeyup.” Mac leaned in towards Dash. “You know, I still got some of that cloud-walkin’ potion that Miss Twilight gave us.” He paused to give a little nibble on her ear. “You wanna head back t’ yer place and, uh...”
With a sigh, Rainbow Dash pressed hard into him. “Yeah... yeah, I do.”
As they left, walking away from a growing crowd of gawking ponies circled around the snogging ponies on the floor, Berry Punch gave a happy sigh from behind the bar, poured herself a shot of whiskey, and fired it back. “Heh, just another weekend.”
Author's Note
