Bad Idea Number Four Hundred And Seven
It was on a Sunday that it happened, at exactly 1:02 in the afternoon. Celestia had planned for the blast to go off precisely on the hour, but on her way to the balcony overlooking Canterlot, she tripped on a rug.
Most ponies clearly remember the hour leading up to the Love Bomb explosion—when a giant cloud of pinks, purples, and light-blues swallowed up the sky and a feeling of sweet serenity entered the hearts and minds of everyone around.
One hour.
One hour notice was all that was given. Find your soulmate before the blast or prepare to spend the rest of your life miserable and alone. Whether it be pony, dragon, creature of ill dispute, or inanimate object—anything would do. As long as you were close to it, touching it, in its sights, or holding it close to your gently beating heart, once the Love Bomb detonated, it would become your soulmate from that day forth.
Obviously, this had been a very bad idea, indeed.
It all began, as most bad ideas do, when Princess Celestia found an extra ninety seconds in her day with which to ponder. Going over a lengthy list of budgetary concerns, she came to the bitter conclusion that the art of courting ponies were slowly but surely draining Equestria’s treasury. Not only had bad dates and sour romances taken its toll on the lonely and desperate, but the amount of times a single poor date ended with either Canterlot in ruins or Ponyville flooded by a suddenly burst dam made the evidence clearer than the Crystal Empire:
Dating was expensive. So was romance.
But what about love? Celestia mused.
So with that in mind, Celestia got to work.
***
Twilight Sparkle had always known something like this to be coming. Truly, it’d only been a matter of time before it popped into someone’s mind and given life. After hearing Celestia’s royal decree ring out across town, Twilight did not panic as the rest of the populace did. Sixty minutes was more than enough time to gather what she’d need.
Collecting ten thick texts and tomes, she arranged them into a pile and sat with a fresh cup of tea. She’d read these carefully chosen books close to a dozen times each and loved them all front to back. So why not continue to do so in a more loving manner? It made sense. Really, it did. She’d always have her friends and family close to her. No use going insane finding that pesky soul mate in a mere sixty minutes time.
Patiently waiting for the Love Bomb to explode, Twilight gently flipped open the nearest book and read a few pages while slurping her ginger tea. What a calm way to fall in love, she thought pleasantly.
Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Applejack, and Fluttershy, meanwhile, had differing ideas on the concept of love. Once all five of them trotted face-first into each other outside Twilight’s door (each with a small gift in tow), it appeared clear which Element of Harmony was the most popular of the bunch.
What followed was not a nice, calm discussion, but rather a small dust cloud of fighting mares, each lunging for the doorknob to Twilight’s place. As shocked as the other four were to see and hear Fluttershy use such dirty tactics and words, all yearned to be locked in Twilight’s tight embrace once the Love Bomb went off.
Sixty-two thousand bits in property damage later, five badly bruised and huffing mares agreed to enter the castle all at once. Twilight would be the one to make the decision. Then, if they let that special mare live to claim their prize, they’d draw straws and split off into pairs.
The five of them crossed their back legs together in a gesture of luck. If they couldn’t have Twilight, they’d always take Fluttershy. Fluttershy, meanwhile, remained unaware of each hungry stare.
The five love-hungry friends went to Twilight’s door, only to find it locked from inside, the blinds sealed shut. It seemed Twilight was playing hard to get.
Let us take a moment now to break away from this scene and see what the rest of Equestria might have been up to in that short time before the blast.
A few minutes following the royal decree to all, Cheerilee ran to Sweet Apple Acres and collided with Big Mac, sweat-drenched and hauling heavy buckets of apples towards the barn. Somehow he’d missed the notification of impending forced love, and Cheerlie took the opportunity in stride. After killing fifteen minutes upending each bucket he’d carried and then leisurely picking them back up, she led him away from the house with the promise of something apple-related. Truth be told, Cheerlie only wanted the silent stud all to herself.
But that didn’t stop the other thirty-seven mares from tracking him down.
Two days after the Love Bomb dropped, Big Mac was forced to quit his job and divide his time between his forty loves. Two stallions, somehow, also wound up in the battle for his affections.
Princess Luna was roused from bed just fifteen minutes before the drop. Groggy, sleepy, and craving her cool pillow more than true love that afternoon, she gathered four nearby house guards and played eeny, meeny, miny, moe until the love of her life (moe) was soon decided. As tempted as she was to have them fight for her affections, she was sadly reminded the Royal Canterlot Fighting Pit had already been booked that afternoon. What a pity.
The Princess sat with the stallion until a moment after the blast and when he leaned in for a kiss, she got up and trotted back to bed. She could learn everything about the guy after a few more winks, she thought.
For the safety of the general populace at large, Flash Sentry was unceremoniously bound and gagged and thrown into a broom closet until the spell was complete. Even now, after many are told there’s nothing wrong with it, the stares he gathers as he parades around town with his bucket and mop are enough to make one wish he’d fallen in love with absolutely anything else.
Perhaps a rock.
Not all ponies had trouble getting to the love of their lives before the hour ticked by. Many had already spent years in relationships, so the knowledge that a love spell would further that love did little to worry them. Soarin and Spitfire spent the hour flying in the clouds, before lounging in the softest one they could find. They embraced and the Love Bomb detonated, coating the sky with small hearts and pink sprinkles. Then they embraced again. Then they did something else entirely.
Ten minutes before that, the five Elements of Harmony found their way inside Twilight’s castle, briefly held at bay by Spike the dragon, as he swung at them with a fly swatter. Secretly, he wanted Twilight all to himself, and was preparing to trip into the mare a single second before the blast. Accidents happen all the time, do they not?
On the way up the stairs to Twilight’s room, Fluttershy disappeared in a puff of white smoke and found herself in the gentle grasp of none other than the Spirit of Chaos. Discord had known what Celestia had planned even before she did, so he intervened as he saw fit. Adding a faint shimmer to both eyes, he placed both hands in a begging gesture. At that, Fluttershy shrugged, and they’ve been living happily together ever since.
Unnoticing of their missing competition, the four mares bucked Twilight’s door off its hinges. Before a word could be spoken in anyone’s defense, Rarity tackled her to the floor. After that, Rainbow Dash pushed her away and attempted to drag the Princess right out the window and into the sky where they could finally be alone. One solid kick from Applejack to the stomach, however, made Rainbow Dash collapse into a heap.
The next few minutes were close to the same; fighting, biting, scratching, swearing; Twilight passed around like some small bowl of dip for far too many chips. In the end, all five collapsed atop each other, and in that state the Love Bomb went off. The next day, Twilight’s castle had four more permanent guests. And Spike, begrudgingly, made them all breakfast, incredibly tempted to add the bile from his mouth to their pancake batter.
***
Next to Celestia on the balcony sat a four-layer chocolate cake ordered especially for the occasion. She’d spent hours—nah, days—going over its design and sweet tastes. To her, it was perfect. It was everything she’d ever want from a decadent dessert and in those sixty minutes before the blast, she’d prepared herself a large plate with napkin. No fork would be necessary. Maybe some milk.
A bang erupted in the sky, and colors and euphoria rained down. Celestia’s chocolate cake had looked good before, but now it became something more. Bringing the cake to her royal chambers, the Princess told every guard to leave and that she mustn’t be disturbed.
The guards stationed just a few feet outside her doors could hear each lip smack alongside each moan. The Princess of the Sun had indeed not been disturbed that day, but her guards sure had been.
Once the cake had been successfully gobbled and the Princess satisfied, she went into a state of overwhelming depression she couldn’t wholly fathom. She’d had her cake and eaten it, too; the love of her life and perhaps the greatest lover she’d ever had. So what could be the problem?
Then came the bitter understanding.
She had loved that cake and only the one. Not all cakes as Celestia had thought she might.
Three days following the Love Bomb, Celestia undid its controversial effects.
The next day, thirty-four hundred weddings were unceremoniously cancelled.
Save for one.
