Fairy Tale Breakdown

by Irritus185

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Crossover
Length: 36139

It was a grimoire. Not just some podunk D&D spellbook, but a limited-edition "Grimoire of Marisa." How could I pass that up? Turns out, very easily. Well, at least I didn't cosplay as one of the actual characters; I don't have the legs for a dress.

I had a real name once. Don't remember it much anymore. Not surprising as it's been a few thousand years since I last used it. Now I go by the name Booker... or Pagey... or Mr. Wordsworth... or whatever name some adorable pony has graced me with and I'm too much of a doormat to say no. Dang it, Star Swirl, did you cast some spell on your descendants or something?

So yeah, I'm one of the latest victims of the Merchant. Really should have known better when I was offered that delectable limited-edition Touhou fanbook by some guy who looked like he was ripped from a Stephen King novel, but I'm too much of a bibliophile to pass something like that up, you know? Now I'm stuck in what should be a children's cartoon show with powers that no mortal being should have and enough baggage to choke a hydra.

At least I have my books, even if I do have to beat them into submission occasionally.

Published 2015-04-05 12:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-16 02:02:08 UTC

Alice in Wonderland

It's not every day that you crash through someone's wall as a burning ball of fire. Granted, for most people, it's not something that happens even once, but after having it feel like my mind and soul were stretched like taffy by the most sadistic god ever, I'm willing to stretch my suspension of disbelief for the stupid amount of crazy happening.

Seriously, though, did anyone get the name of that wall? I might be planning to sue its owner once I gathered enough of my thoughts to piece together to figure out how I became so intimately acquainted with it.

Last thing I remember was buying a book from that freaky con merchant and...

Wait, the book! Where's my book? Realizing for the first time that I had hands that probably should've been checking to find out what horrifying injuries I'd acquired from my rendition of vertical road kill, I scrabbled around in the dim room, lit only by the massive hole I punched through the wall with my body, searching for my precious flower.

Luckily, I had been smart enough to not let go of it even after striking the ground at terminal velocity, and it was still safely tucked away in the crevice of my armpit. Checking it over, I was happy to note that except for a few scorch marks and smudges, the book was none the worse for wear after my perilous descent.

After all, it's also not every day that you come across a high quality, limited edition of Master ZUN's The Grimoire of Marisa. I mean, it did take all of my pocket money that was supposed to last me the entire weekend, but heck, if you're gonna spend all your cash on something, might as well be something that... glows?

Wait, that can't be right. Books don't glow. Books are most definitely the greatest thing created by human intelligence and will forever belong at the epitome of culture, but unless there was something especially trippy compromising the novel's ink, the words shouldn't have been glowing and wavering like a desert mirage.

Now that I thought about it, there were tons of little thing that were wrong with the entire exchange with the con merchant. From his beady eyes to his slimy smile to the way he constantly kept rubbing his hands together or made sly, aside remarks like how 'it was made for me' and-

Oh, wow, I felt like a complete idiot now. I just totally made a deal with the dude that runs that teleporting shop selling monkey paws.

Wait, did that mean I was in ironic hell? Because I could think of a dozen eternal tortures off the top of my head that would just suuuu-

Something hard clacked on the floor not even a few feet away from me. I turned my head to find someone had trudged up to the hole in the wall and was curiously looking in.

My brain slipped a few discs, trying to comprehend just what it was I was looking at. Because if this was real, I was absolutely staring at what Merlin would look like if he screwed up a spell and turned into a pony.

Merlin-Pony's fur was a light, washed out shade of blue that was beginning to border on grey in small streaks. His mane was a very light tan, also with lines of white and grey beginning to show, with a matching curly beard that reached to just about chest level. He was wearing the stereotypical wizard hat (which was pretty nice, I might add) and cloak, both embroidered with a likeness of the night sky and several bells sewn into the lining.

He also had a half-foot horn sticking out of his forehead. It was glowing. A glowing horn... on a horse.

I was face-to-face with a bloody unicorn. Kitty would be so jealous of me.

He looked at me with the greatest amount of interest and a bit of mild surprise. I must've been quite the sight, half-upside-down and resting on his remaining wall, my sloppily-put together outfit spread out every which way. Merlin-Pony raised a hoof and stroked his beard solemnly, an amazing feat that was only surpassed when he started talking in perfect modern English.

"Ah, so you would be the source of magic that recently ripped its way through the veil," he said. His deep baritone echoed clearly in the room. "I must say, when I went looking for you, I did not expect you to come meet me halfway." He glanced around briefly at his destroyed room. "Or make such a grand entrance." He gave the pony approximation of a shrug, his back rippling from his shoulders down to his withers. "Ah well, I suppose I will find out more through some old fashioned experimentation."

His horn glowed brighter for a moment, a blue corona of stars and sparks flickering off. Suddenly, I felt weightless, and I frantically waved my arms back and forth as I was lifted off the ground while that same blue glow slowly covered my body, leaving it with a feeling of pins and needles.

Wait, what did he mean by experiment? I had the very concrete feeling I was not going to like the answer to that rhetorical question. The cool, nonchalant look in the mini-horse's eyes did nothing to relieve me of that terrifying notion.

"Whoa, whoa, experimentation?!" I shouted, my voice a very manly squeak, thank you very much. "I'm not some lab rat for you to prod!"

Merlin-Pony blinked and gasped, his horn shutting off its illumination. As it did, the weightless feeling left me and I feel back to the floor with a grunt. I tried to push myself back to my feet, but I was unexpectedly greeted by a very excited pony wizard shoving his muzzle right into my face.

"You can speak?" he asked reverently. "You're intelligent?"

I grimaced and resisted the urge to push away that creature that could most likely asplode my head with a psychic attack. Or just stab me in my face with his if he was feeling ornery. "Pretty sure," I grumbled. "And this intelligent being would really appreciate if you'd back off for a second."

He was even paying attention to what I was saying. The second I responded, a spark erupted in his eyes and a manic grin spread across his lips. "Oh, this is excellent!" he breathed. "An actual sample from a cross-dimensional helix-breaker! The ramifications of this are endless and ground breaking!"

"Hey, this ground-breaking discovery really wants you to tell him just what's going on. Hey, hey, are you even listening?"

Merlin-Pony was having none of what I was dishing. "Oh, this is astounding! The levels that this will help me on my research will bring me ahead tens, no, hundreds of years!" He clamped a hoof on my shoulders and laughed excitedly. "My alien friend, you have no idea just how much we can learn from each other. It will be glorious! It will be grand! You will make Star Swirl a name forever remembered in the annals of time!" He let go and clapped his hoofs together.

Huh, they really did sound like two halves of a coconut.

"For honor!" He stomped his hooves on the floor. "For glory!" He spread them out and balanced on his back hooves, shooting an array of stars and swirls through the air.

"For MAGIC!"

Oh ZUN, I could hear the capslock.

"Now, where's my Poking Stick?"

As the pony started to kinetically chuck items across the room to find what he was searching for, I took the time to take note of what just happened.

And drew a complete blank. Really, I was amazed my brain hadn't just frozen and knocked me unconscious so it could reboot up in safe mode. Because finding out unicorns are real and they're about as hammy as a Las Vegas magic show is about as straining on your sanity as you would think.

There was also the sneaking suspicion that I recognized Mr. Pony Wizard, but I couldn't figure out why. Why were his looks and name so familiar? I mean, it wasn't like I'd seen anything like him back ho-

...oh. Oh, you have got to be kidding me.

Kitty, I definitely wasn't in Kansas anymore. And I was right, you were so going to be jealous of me when I told you about this.

If I ever got back home at all.

My Dearest Clear Bell,

It has been three months since I last saw your beautiful face. It has been difficult not being able to see you for so long, but working at the palice has been an experience that I couldn't possibly find anywhere else. The sites, sounds, and ponies of Canterlot are a dream that I can't full describe in writing, but when I read of your delight hearing my tales, it makes me want to rite until my lips fall off, just to read your adorible responses. My...

Ah, young love. It was rare to see such heartfelt and delicate correspondences nowadays. The last time I witnessed as such was... a hundred years ago... give or take. Nowadays, ponies didn't believe in the elegant art of calligraphy, especially if they weren't a unicorn, using the easier hoofwriter than risk getting ink in their mouth.

Really such a shame. I hoped the young earth pony soldier kept writing the note as is; he had a very soulful style of writing, and the looping, feminine responses of his marefriend were a delight to behold. After making a few quick correction (really, wonderful mouthwriting, horrid speller), I spread my focus elsewhere. Now, what else was there to peruse...

Miss Feather Duster,

We regret to inform you that we will no long be requiring your services as of Taurus 21st. We thank you for your time and effort put into your job, but we feel that we no longer need your unique brand of help after the debacle with the Griffonia ambassador and his guard bear. Really, how did you even manage to shove a ball that big up its-

Oh, I remembered that. The guards talked about it for a week straight.. Now, now, there was no way I was going to let such a cute and frankly hilarious mare lose her job over a little mistake like inconveniencing the olfactory senses of a large, angry animal. Besides, she knew how to polish me in all the right places. I didn't think stone could gleam like that until I met her.

Switch some words there, alter a few lines here, and voila! An extension of her contract and a respectful pay raise to boot. She was going to be here for a long time yet. Of course, there was nothing I could do about her clumsiness, being, well, what I was right now. But as long as I was here, there was no way she would ever receive a pink slip on my watch.

Now, the next new piece of writing was...

For good time, signal 015-

Oh ZUN, was a I really so hard up for new reading material that I'd stoop to bathroom wall graffiti? I used to be able to read the musings of great philosophers, the ballads of epic poets, the abstracts of brilliant scholars. How far had I fallen?

Oh right, I was a bloody statue. Kinda puts a damper on what you can read when you can't move.

I 'looked' around the room, taking in the sight that hadn't changed in nearly five-hundred years. Thousands of books looked back at me, all penned by the same pony. The Star Swirl branch of the Royal Canterlot Library may have been a restricted section, but when you're the centerpiece of the area, you have all the time in the world to check out things to read.

And read I did. I knew the entire collection cover-to-cover, even the twenty-volume dissertation on trans-copperic quantum fluctuations - one of the driest reads ever to come out of the old goat's mouth.

It didn't help that while Swirly was one of the greatest minds to come out of the Pre-Classical and Classical era, crafting pretty much the entire foundation spellcraft was based off of, he took grammatical rules less as accepted fact and more as tenacious guidelines that should be viewed and only interacted with the assistance of a ten-foot stick (he called it his Poking Stick; very official).

The years I spent proofreading the eccentric crackpot's writing could have been put to much better use... like watching paint dry.

Regardless, I knew more about magic, ominitransmogrification, time-travel, and dimensional splicing than any sane pony would ever have reason to (and most of the less stable ones, too).

It stunk that I couldn't use a lick of it.

Which led my attention to wander to the other forms of writing in the castle. I'd finished off the last of the entire library's stores a hundred years back with a new infusion of books only every so often. I swear, the second I got out I was going to raid the Royal Academy, steal every new thesis in the last fifty years, and cram my brain full until it exploded. But I digress, which led me to eavesdropping on the letters, forms, and orders passed through the castle.

Pony bureaucracy saved me from (further) insanity and boredom. Who'da thunk it?

But honestly, it just wasn't enough. You might think being able to read any book would be salve enough for a bibliophile like me, but I don't think you truly understand what it means to love books as much as I do. I needed the smell of fresh ink, the cracking of a newly-broken spine, the slightly rough texture of paper under my fingertips.

...what, don't look at me like that! Books were great!

The only saving grace were my visitors. Though now that I thought about it, I hadn't seen my most recent favorite for a while. She used to visit me all the time when she was younger, always happy to see her best imaginary (ha!) friend, but now I was lucky if I got to see her face once in a blue moon.

Sparky, where were you? Mr. Wordsworth missed ya...

But really, if something didn't happen soon, I was going to-

...did that chair just turn into butterfly? Why was the sky outside turning pink? And why did it suddenly smell like fudge around he-

Oh, heck yes!

Oh boy, oh boy, I've been waiting so long for this day! The best chance I had getting out of this dang, boring existence in over three thousand years was just falling into my lap. I could feel the vibrations in the aether as chaos rippled in every conceivable direction, including cute and upside-down. It took a left at Albuquerque before settling down in what I assumed was the royal reception hall if my memory still held correctly, which meant that it was time to strike while the iron was hot.

With a will of several thousand years of practice, every single letter in the room morphed and twisted into an exotic rune (well, to ponies at least), forming an aetheric funnel that drained every last bit of chaos magic down to the center of the array.

There were the unfortunate side-effects of the floor turning into peanut brittle and the rest of the furniture gaining sentience and running off (several through the room's stained glass windows), but that was a sacrifice I was sure the rest of the castle's service ponies were willing to accept.

Nothing happened to the books, though. Like Tartarus was something going to happen to those beauties under my watch.

My body tingled as the disruption of order tore through every bond in my being, rewriting the stasis I'd been put in. Finally, after so long, I was going to be free of this stony prison!

...wait, wasn't I missing some parts? Thousands of years in stone hadn't been kind to me, especially when I had been forgotten and lost for a majority of it. Several of my fingers were missing, along with chips broken off from my torso and a couple cracks in my face; my body really had not held up well over the eons. What was that going to mean for a flesh-and-blood body when it came back with missing pieces?

...I didn't think this all the way through. Could I get a mulli-

THE PAIN!

There was no epic explosion, no bright light show; my body simply glowed and then, like a thick layer of dust, stone crumbled off me as long-unused synapses went into overdrive to alert me that I had just done something really stupid.

A strangled gasp wormed its way from my lips as I fell forward off the pedestal, releasing my grip on my grimoire. It fell from my lap to the floor with a resounding 'thump,' but I was too busy grasping at the hand that was just the littlest bit incomplete to worry about it possibly being damaged by the fall. It was to my complete surprise, then, that brightly shining words and letters erupted from the stumps to twirl around, condense, and form new appendages before softly melting back into flesh.

I hurriedly pushed my sleeve up, absently noting the strings of glowing letters racing up and down my arm like blood vessels before they too submerged and were gone. I felt at my shoulders, my hip, my face; all were smooth and blemish-free, as though I'd never been injured in the first place. My clothes, while a little dusty and dirty, looked and felt exactly the same as when I was first sealed.

Like I had never been injured at all.

I was silent for a moment before chuckling mirthlessly.

"So..." I murmured, hearing my real, physical voice for the first time in millennia. It was scratchier than I remembered. "I'm really not human anymore, huh?"

I really shouldn't have expected anything different. You'd think after not aging a day after nearly sixty years and then being ensconced in stone for several magnitudes longer, I'd have figured out I wasn't exactly mortal anymore. But there was always that vague hope that I'd be able to return to the life I once knew.

My family, my friends, my home, my work, all my books.

All gone. I would never see them again.

My melancholy lasted as long as it took me to realize I was free to actually live life once again. Forget the moping! I wasn't the type to dwell on past failures. It just meant I'd have to try that much harder to find a possible way back, and if not, enjoy the new life unwittingly granted to me by a very pernicious chaos spirit.

Thank you, Discord. Your soon-to-be-pointless capricious rampage will not be in vain.

I picked up my grimoire, feeling its familiar and comforting weight in the crook of my arm. For the first time in a while, I felt complete and raring to take on whatever life tried to throw at me. First things first, I had a few ponies to meet.

And a butt ton of books to stea-I mean, borrow.

Now, what was the way out of-hello... what's this?

I twisted my body to face the feeling of oneness coming from the opposite direction of the room's exit. It was emanating from a thick tome snugly placed on a tall bookcase's top shelf. Not seeing any ladders nearby and not willing to go ask the guards and probably get a spear injection, I shrugged and floated upward, completely ignoring gravity's complaints to get my big butt back down on the floor.

Which was a step up from when I had to ride my grimoire like the world's weirdest magic carpet to have the same effect. Maybe there was more to this inhuman youkai monster shtick after all.

Just please don't ask me how I did it. Do you ask a fish how it knows how to swim or a wolf how it hunts? Same thing; I didn't know how I did it, just that I could. I had the feeling that was going to be the answer to a lot of questions in the very near future.

Halting a dozen or so feet off the ground, I carefully pulled the tome from the shelf and flipped it over to read the spine. It was Spell Swirl's primer to aetheric resonance. Oh hey, I remembered this one. I flipped it open to a place in the middle. Yeah, see, that was where I scribbled that he was a big doo-

Oh, huh, so that's why it felt so familiar. Pretty easy to feel something is a part of you when it's literally holding a shard of your soul. The book was obviously ecstatic to see me as well, turning into a bright ball of light before twining itself around me and then diving into the pages of my grimoire.

I felt it settle into my memory palace, nestling closely to the last remainder of my being like a long-lost friend and comrade. There was a warmth in my chest that I hadn't felt for a long, long time. I put a hand over my heart, savoring the emotions that were welling up inside me.

After all, it wasn't very common to feel deep affection and overwhelming spite in the same thought. I was beginning to remember bits and pieces from my past, and not all of them were pleasant. I was going to have a talk with a petty brat of a pony princess, but for now, it was time for me to visit a little mare I hadn't seen in a while.

Something picked at the corner of my senses, and I was pleased to find another one of my 'soul books' was in the room. This one was a record of the old goat's time travel records. I didn't even want to imagine why he went skipped back only a night before, but if I knew anything about his nightly escapades with...

I shuddered. Ugh, bad thoughts, bad thoughts.

After another joyous reunion and return of memories long past, I was finally ready to leave this place. Though not before giving myself a reminder to look further into the whole 'fractured bits of my soul being all over the place' thing. I was quite certain that couldn't be healthy for me or beneficial for the rest of the common populace to have fragments of me hiding all over the place.

That kind of junk led to evil overlording, and I was not about to accidentally become the next Sauron or Voldemort because I couldn't clean up after myself.

It was actually a rather uneventful walk through the library's hallways, if by uneventful you discounted the raining cakes indoors (red velvet - good taste), checkerboard deco on everything (even several maids and guards), and animated cutlery (side note - the dish did not run away with the spoon; it appeared to be more smitten with the salad tongs).

I was actually quite amused to note that due to all the chaos and random things happening throughout the castle, no one paid any attention to the nearly six-foot biped who had just recently been a permanent fixture of the place walking through it like he didn't have a care in the world. They seemed more fixated on screaming their little pony hearts out and panicking like the most adorable mob instead.

Ah, my little ponies, never change.

Making it to the entrance of the castle without being accosted even once, I stuck my hand out to see that it was currently raining chocolate milk from pink cotton-candy clouds. Well, I didn't want to stink like spoiled, evil dairy, so we had to fix that now, didn't we?

"Full-sized umbrella with a black canopy and polished wooden handle."

My tongue tingled with the taste of ozone and fire. In my free hand, an umbrella matching the description I gave materialized. I snapped it open and raised it above my head. Pleased with myself, I stepped out into the dairy drizzle, whistling a jaunty rendition of 'Singing in the Rain.' Quite appropriate given the odd precipitation on both counts, no?

Now then, I had a lovely little filly to go see. I wondered if she'd be surprised to see her old childhood friend in the flesh? This was going to be delightful.

As I roamed the city, I kept picking out street signs and landmarks I recalled from the various letters to and from the castle. It helped that I could sense another piece of myself in the same direction as my target. Just reading letters and return addresses wasn't enough when you didn't know the layout of the city in the first place.

It didn't help that the heavens couldn't decide whether it was night or day at any given moment. I had to give Discord this - even after only being just awakened, he had stupid amounts of power.

Luckily I wasn't bothered by whatever oddities Discord had unleashed on the city even when ponies being chased by or chasing them ran right past me. I guessed absorbing some of his essence to pull off my escape had inured me to their senses. It was a welcome reprieve, because I was not about face off against the two-story tall ice cream golem currently being hunted down by a gaggle of kindergarteners and their harassed schoolmarm.

I paused when I found myself in front of a small and cozy house located just off the Alabaster district where the lower-ranked nobles lived. Compared to the more opulent decorations of its neighbors, this one was almost quaint in its austereness - something I could appreciate from Swirly's descendants. Compared to the ostentatious wear of his peers, the old goat would rather have on no clothes at all if he didn't have his cloak and wizard hat on hoof.

I walked the short distance up to the front door and rapped my knuckles on the thick oak. There was a short scrambling inside before the door was yanked open by a telekinetic grip.

In front of me stood a unicorn mare, her ivory fur and lavender-and-white striped mane slightly stained by cocoa. On her hips was a cutie mark of three amethyst-colored stars. She wielded a long-bristle broom in her magical aura like it was a battle axe and immediately thrust it into my face.

"Go on, get out of here, you blasted gremlins! Don't think you can keep messing with me! I've had enough having to bail out that accursed rain of your creator!"

I pushed the broom to the side and smiled crookedly. "Really, you're trying to fend off agents of chaos with cleaning implements?" I asked dryly.

"Ha! Don't think me a weak, little mare! I'll have you know my great ancestor was..." She trailed off when she got a good look at my face. She choked her voice back and dropped the broom with a clatter. "No..." she said distantly. "It can't be. You aren't real."

"If I'm not real, then you are having one doozy of a hallucination," I chuckled.

She briefly brought both of her hooves to her mouth for a muffled gasp. "But I... I always thought that you... I mean, I never thought my mom's stories were true. Just nighttime tales for a filly with silly dreams."

"I'm as real as you." I winked. "Maybe a bit more so because I lived all those tales."

"But, but I..."

"Honey?" A voice drifted in from the back, a deep stallion's voice, most likely her husband's. "Are you okay?" It sounded calm, but I could tell that it was ready to snap shut at a moment's notice. "Do you need help? It sounds like you dropped something."

"N-no! I'm alright, Nighty!" she called back. "Just... just surprised to see someone I haven't met with in a while."

"If you're sure..." her husband said warily. I could make out a slight shuffling as he surreptitiously moved closer to the front without letting himself be seen. Probably guard training of some kind. I would likely find myself with a gutful of steel if I tried anything. Luckily for me (but mostly for him), I wasn't planning to.

"Quite sure!" She said a little too quickly. The mare glanced anxiously back at me, her ears flattening against her skull. "Are you really him? How can I be certain?"

For a moment, the image of a much younger filly transposed itself on her in my mind. Her eyes were sparkling, her good cheer infectious, and the naughty flush on her face darkened as she read me some choice selections from a hoof-worn notebook with a lock-seal on it.

I grinned slyly as the memory rolled its way through my skull. Crouching down, I bent closer to whisper into her ear. "Did you ever tell your husband of those raunchy harlequin novels you wrote in your youth? I'm sure he'd be surprised to find out his precious novelist wrote some of the dirtiest stuff this side of Equestria under an unknown penname."

A blush tore its way through her cheeks. Her ears flipped up and vibrated with embarrassment, but there was a hint of fond reminiscence in her eyes. She gasped happily. "Teller, it really it you!"

"It's been a while, hasn-oof!"

I grunted in surprised as she threw her forelegs around my neck and yanked me further down to nuzzle the side of my face. My spine groaned in protest, but I told it to shut the heck up and enjoy the pony cuddles.

"I can't believe you're really real!" she squealed, squeezing me for all her worth. "There are so many things I want to tell you! I'm so sorry I haven't visited you for so long, but now we have so much to catch up on! I'm so excited!"

I hesitated for what seemed like forever before looping my arms around her neck and returning her hug. "It's good to see you as well, my little Velvet."

Author's Note

So, I finally decided to jump on the Displaced bandwagon. Here's hoping it actually stays on the track this time. Also, to those who may notice, there will be a certain theme to the chapter titles. Let's see how long I can actually keep it up. Onward, to glory and battles... and BOOKS!

The Young Descendant of Tepes

"Fantastic... your aetheric density is much greater than what I'd assume for one with such a oscillating transdisc coefficient."

Poke.

"And the spread of your copperic resonance between particle and wave is so out of sync compared to anything I've seen before…"

Poke.

"Is it because the transfer between dimensional fluxes rearranged your presomatic origins, or maybe it's because of your falling quanta-gamma rays?"

Po~ke.

"Why, even your eretic post-tachyons are swirling in a pattern that-"

Pooo-

"Would you stop that!" I snapped, smacking the floating stick to the side. My hand had the slight sensation of pins-and-needles from coming into contact with the magic, and I absently checked my palm to check that no blue glitter had been left behind. After making sure I hadn't been Siegfried-and-Roy'd, I turn my glare on the... 'person' who'd been poking me with glee and spouting off technobabble that would impress a Trekkie.

Star Swirl, aka Merlin-Pony, was furiously scribbling in a thick journal. He only seemed to notice something was amiss when he realized his Poking Stick (yes, it had capitals) was no longer poking something and instead just jabbing at thin air. He looked almost scandalized at the notion.

"Why did you stop? There is so much more I can learn!"

"Because I'm getting tired of sitting in the same place while you have a geek-out." Do that in the privacy of your own home, will ya? ...Never mind the fact that I'm the one who crashed into it. "Plus, I think your stick's giving me a bruise."

"But... but the data..." Gah! Pony eyes! Even on a stallion! Still, stay strong!

"Star Swirl, if you poke me with that stick one more time, I'm gonna bean you over the head with it."

"Oh, very well," he snorted despondently. He deposited the Poking Stick on his work table and opened up his journal to a new page. "I suppose if I can't retrieve any more empirical data then anecdotal will have to do. Now then..." He dipped his quill and put it to the parchment. "How exactly did you find yourself in our dimension?"

"Really?" I scoffed. "The only reason you're asking the alien how he got here is because you can't poke him anymore?" The mini-horse had a disturbing similarity to the government agents that dissected extraterrestrials in sci-fi stories.

"Verbal evidence," he waved aside, "even first hand, cannot compare to the exact aetheric and Neightonian values granted by extensive and meticulous poking of a subject, but this will do for now. Tell me, do you feel anything right now? Dizziness? Nausea? Existential dread?"

"I'm talking to a pony that belongs in my niece's favorite cartoon show. How do you think I feel?"

"Fascinating...!" The floating quill zoomed across the parchment. "So you say you have documentations of our world? Amazing! When did you learn to breach the transdimensional veil? Have you solved the energy disparity caused by mobius-loop transduction? Why, your understanding of magic must be tiers above our own!"

"Merlin-Pon - Star Swirl, stop!" He glanced up at me impatiently. "You're not real," I said.

"Well, I would hope that I'm real," he whinnied. "If I wasn't it would be a great blow to magical academia."

"No, I mean, that's not what I- I mean, you're not real, you're a... a cartoon." His annoyed look melted into one of confusion. "A cartoon, a... an animated drawing. You, your entire world, you're entertainment for children back home, made-up stories to teach life lessons." Well, them and twenty-to-thirty-somethings or whatever. It was a cute, well-made show, granted, but its popularity had spread in a very strange lateral fashion.

"Curiouser and curiouser," he mumbled. "If that is true, then how did you find your way here? It's rather odd to enter a place that's mere fantasy in the former."

"Well, I was at this... festival, and this creepy merchant sold me a really nice book, but then the book started glowing and I blacked out, and then here I was... crashing through your wall."

Wow, now that I'd actually said it out loud... it sounded a lot crazier than I'd first thought.

"Interesting..." Star Swirl stroked his beard. "May I see this book?"

I didn't like that look in his eyes. Clutching the fanbook to my chest, I hissed out, "Hands, er, hooves off, buddy. Nobody touches my books but me." I'll bite yer fetlocks off, I swear it!

His ears drooped. "I was only going to poke it..." he pouted in disappointment.

My eyebrow rose on its own accord. "You're taking it pretty easy despite me claiming you're a creation for ten-year-olds. Most people I know would take offense to that... often with face-punching involved."

Yeah, I had some pretty rowdy friends despite being an unsocial bookworm.

"My dear alien, I am a magus." He stomped his hoof. "We don't let silly things like pride or violence or supposedly 'necessary' bodily functions get in the way of the progression of magic. Given the infinite, myriad possibilities, I wouldn't be surprised if our existence leaked in to yours in the forms of ballads and epics. Nay, I expect it!"

I chuckled despite myself. "How do you stay so confident? An unknown, possibly dangerous alien being blows up your home, and you treat it as the greatest thing since the invention of the printing press."

"What is a... printing press?"

Oh dear. I hope his little pony brain didn't burst and leak out his ears when I explained mass-production of literature.

"Never mind, I'll find out later." Star Swirl cleared his throat. "I am excited because, as dimensional study is my forte and raison d'être, finding physical validation of my research and theories is something I could only dream of replicating!"

"Who are you?" I asked in distant amusement. I had no idea what I'd gotten into, but I had the feeling it was something both wonderful and incredibly annoying. "I mean, I remember some footnotes about you as Star Swirl the Bearded, the greatest unicorn wizard of the Classical era, but who are you... really?"

"The 'greatest unicorn wizard ever' sounds about right, but ‘the bearded’ part is new. Although... mine is rather splendid..." Star Swirl mumbled to himself, tapping his chin with his hoof. He nodded resolutely. "Very well then, allow me to introduce myself properly."

With a twist of his neck, he spun the cloak around so that it also covered his chest, a foreleg held up to his heart. The stars and moon on it shimmered and flowed across its surface, almost as if they were alive. The room darkened, the azure glow of magic faintly sparkling. His voice increased to a boom.

"I am Star Swirl the Bearded: high archmage of the ninth order circle, shifter of celestial bodies, Adjunct Unicorn Chancellor of the Pony Triumvirate, creator of one thousand and one spells, rituals, and cantrips, Co-President of the Equestrian Book Society, dashing stallion of every mares' dreams, and owner of the most glorious facial fur since Squiggly the Curly-Haired! Witness, bask, and weep in my awesome presence!"

There was the sound of dying party favors. Streamers of pure magic littered the room, Star Swirl's hat and cloak, and my shoulders. As I brushed them off, his grin only got wider and more satisfied, like he'd done something truly grand.

He gave a short dip. "And you...?"

I looked at his outstretched hoof. It was the most darling invitation to madness ever.

...oh, what the heck.

"Nice to meet you, Star Swirl. The name's..."

Poke.

"Damn it, Star Swirl! I warned you!"

I looked around the parlor. Twilight Velvet had gladly invited me inside after I confirmed my identity, a bounce in her step that belonged to a filly half her age as she guided me to a cushioned seat that actually fit my larger frame. I guessed they'd entertained non-ponies before, as there was actually enough back support that I didn't have to worry about falling over backwards.

Just like the way it looked from the outside, the inside of the house had a homely and welcoming feel to it. There was a fireplace that had been recently doused taking up the majority of a wall, and several bookshelves taking up opposing ones. Several of the books had been penned by Velvet under her official name, while a few of the racier novels she'd written were hidden underneath false covers. A few dissertations with Twilight Sparkle's name scribbled in meticulous hoofwriting were carefully tucked into the corner.

There were several plaques of commendation on the last free wall. They were split between Night Light, Velvet's husband, for performing above and beyond duty for the city of Canterlot's local militia, and Shining Armor for reaching head captain status of the royal guard. Obviously, military blood ran on the paternal side of the family and a love for knowledge ran on the maternal end.

That same military rigor was putting its full focus on me at the moment. I could feel Night Light's stare boring into me as I overtly ignored his glance. The blue and dark blue stallion was sitting on a couch opposite me. His hair was still dripping with moisture from the 'maintenance' he'd been performing on the coldbox in the kitchen earlier. Apparently, due to Discord's shenanigans, the coldbox had decided to start eating the food it was holding instead of actually refrigerating it.

I really wanted laugh at the idea, but I was too busy trying to keep my mysterious stranger facade up. I had the feeling I wouldn't be able to do so for much longer.

The sound of Velvet humming in the kitchen as she brewed up some tea and made snacks was the only noise breaking up what was starting to become a very awkward and strained silence.

Finally not able to take anymore, Night Light cleared his throat. Not able to ignore him any longer without being extremely rude, I turned to face him and smiled genially. He pursed his lips before speaking. "So, how do you know Twilight Velvet?" he asked carefully.

His bluntness only made my smile widen. "I'm an old family friend."

"Really?" His suspicion was palpable. "I'm pretty good friends with her family, and I've never heard of you."

"I'm not surprised," I replied smoothly. "I'm closer to her mother's side than her father's who I don't think I've ever met. And the last time I really talked to her was years before your two met. Or least I would assume so," I raised my voice, a slight scolding tone to it. "Otherwise I would be very disappointed that a certain little filly didn't tell me about her special somepony."

"Oh, Teller, don't tease me," Velvet said with a pout. She trotted into the parlor, carrying a serving tray with a pot of fresh tea and a small plate of cookies on it in her magical aura. "If I'd known, of course I would have told you about Nighty." She placed the tray on the table near the furniture and took a seat next to her husband.

"I shouldn't be surprised," I sighed dramatically. "When little fillies grow up they no longer have need for their childhood companions. I guess silly ol' Teller'll just have to get used to it, living a life of being used and thrown away."

Velvet giggled good-naturedly. "You're just like mother told me you'd be." She sighed fondly. "Just like I'd imagined you'd be after hearing all of her bedtime stories."

"Oh?" I cocked an eyebrow. "Have I become an oral tradition in your family? I'm flattered."

She smiled and raised a hoof in the air, taking a lecturing posture. "Since as far back as I remember, my mother and her mother and her mother before her always regaled their children with tales of the infamous Booker: scourge of the library, stealer of legendary tomes, dastardly keeper of forbidden knowledge, and plaything of cute fillies everywhere."

"I resent that last remark," I grumbled petulantly. It wasn't as if I was denying it; I always was beholden to every female of that mare's lineage. It was the only reason I took each new and silly moniker bestowed upon me with such good graces. She always was strong-willed and quite clever to boot - it was more than anything I could fight against.

Velvet smiled knowingly at my expression and clopped her hooves together in delight. "Hee, the legends are true! You really are a pushover." As if suddenly realizing, she gasped. "Ah! How rude of me. Please, have some tea before it gets cold." She poured me a cup before lifting it up. "I'm sorry there's no sugar," she apologized. "When all this craziness started, the sugar pot grew wings and flew out the window. Would you still like some cream, though?"

"Yes, please." She poured a bit into the cup, stirring it with a fine silver spoon before floating it over to me. "Don't worry about the sugar," I said. "I brought my own."

I took a shallow breath. "Two sugar cubes."

Again, my tongue tingled. With two plops, two small objects fell into my teacup. I grimaced when they floated to the surface. Fishing one out, I examined it.

It was definitely a sugar cube - a perfectly singular cubic sugar crystal. Though unless I smashed it, it wasn't about to dissolve in the tea soon enough for me to enjoy it. Stupid, finicky, semantic-argumentative powers; they had to follow the letter of the law instead of the spirit, didn't they?

...ow, I literally hurt myself with that pun, even if it was unintentional. Let's just try again, shall we?

"Two granulated sugar cubes."

Again, there were two plops in my tea, but this time they were the right type of cube that would actually sweeten my tea the proper way. I disposed of the first two by popping them into my mouth and crunching down. I perked up when I saw Night Light and Velvet staring at me - one in surprise, the other with glee.

"Something wrong?" I asked, the cubes crackling.

"It's really true!" Velvet squealed. "You do have power over words!"

"Words have always had power," I said cryptically. "I'm just able to get them to listen to me a bit more than the average pony." Huh, I was really milking the enigmatic newcomer shtick for all it wass worth. Now to totally play it cool. I pulled down my scarf from my mouth enough to take a sip of tea. The mellow flavors washed across my tongue. I sighed happily. "Your brewing skills are excellent. You must share the recipe with me when you have the time."

Nailed it.

Night Light shook himself out of his surprise and frowned slightly. "Who are you, Teller?"

"That's Booker to you, young colt," I chastened him. "Only little Velvet can call me Teller, unless you can pull off the big, sad doe eyes with that manly visage of yours - just like only your daughter is allowed to call me Mr. Wordsworth."

"Young colt..." he mirrored faintly. He gave me a flat, skeptical chuckle. "I don't know where you get off calling me a colt. You barely look like you've reached adulthood. Whatever you think, I don't believe that..." He trailed off when something I said fully registered. His eyes lit up with recognition. "Wait, you're Mr. Wordsworth? Twily's imaginary friend? But you're not actually real!"

"Oh, I'm quite real," I said in good humor. "And quite old. Much older than you, I would think."

Night Light narrowed his eyes. "I don't believe you." Skeptic ‘til the end without actual evidence, eh? Good qualities in a guard; not so much in a writer. We were a free and flighty bunch.

"All right, quiz time!" I munched on a cookie, internally delighting at the taste. Oh, it was so good to snack on something after so long! "How old do you think I am? Be careful, it's a bit of a trick question!" I grinned crookedly. "Besides, what makes you think you even know what's normal-looking for me? I can assure you you've never seen anything like me before."

"Honestly, when I first saw you, I thought you were a shaved minotaur with a face and horn deformity."

"I get that a lot." No, really, I did. Just... moving on... "So, your guess?" The look on my face compelled him to continue.

"Well, going off my 'shaved minotaur' theory..." He paused to give a smarmy look at my flash of consternation. "I'd have to say you're probably in your mid-to-late twenties or so. Granted, you're kind of scrawny for your size, so I might be underestimating."

"I prefer the term 'slim' or 'elven,'" I replied haughtily. I took another sip of tea. "But I would agree with you on the estimation, if it weren't for the fact that I'm a bit... different from most of my fellow man. Physically, I'm twenty-six." Night Light moved as if to celebrate his victory and superiority over the presumptuous whipper-snapper, but then I had to keep talking. "Biologically, I'm eighty-six and some change."

Night Light stopped. He seemed somewhat taken aback, but he began to build up steam again. Next to him, Velvet looked like she was privy to some elaborate, long-going joke - her eyes were sparkling capriciously, her lips pressed tightly together as if she would spoil the surprise if they were even the slightest agape.

"That only makes you about thirty years older than me," he said. "Barely enough to call me 'young.'"

"That might be true," I admitted slowly. "If it weren't for the fact that chronologically, I'm three-thousand two-hundred eighty-eight years, ten months, and four days old." I pursed my lips while briefly glancing at the ceiling. "Give or take a couple centuries. It's really hard to keep track of time when you’re occasionally buried for a few decades at a time." I swirled my tea, watching the few dregs circle around. "Not to mention records were kind of faulty time-wise during the Discordian era."

I looked back up to find Night Light gaping at me like a beached fish. I blinked innocently. "Something I said?"

Finally not able to take anymore, Velvet burst into gales of laughter, clopping her hooves. "Just like the stories say, you do have a naughty sense of humor." She shook her husband's shoulder. "Hey, hey, Nighty! Isn't he amazing? It's him! It's really him!"

"But," Night Light sputtered, "but that would make you as old as Discord! As the princesses!"

"Older than Discord, thank you very much. That pup came out way after my time. Could probably argue that even the princesses are younger." Though she would fight both tooth and fetlock about it even being implied that I was more mature than her.

"Then where have you been all this time?" he asked. I think I might have broken something given his voice had risen half-an-octave. "That was back in the Classical era! There's no record, no stories, not even a statue!"

"Technically there was," I pointed out. "But then again, I was the statue so I guess it's a moot point."

"You were a statue...?" His tone lowered as something clicked. He became calmer, more assured. No doubt old guard instincts were starting to kick back in, analyzing the situation, preparing to retaliate if the need arose. He stared at me, knowing I noticed the change in his demeanor. Clever stallions. "Just why were you a statue?"

"Nighty!" Velvet gasped, looking shocked at his accusing manner. "Teller didn't do anything to warrant an interrogation. He's a welcomed guest here!"

"He was sealed in stone, Velvet. That's not the kind of punishment your everyday criminal gets. It's only for those that were a clear threat to all of Equestria."

"Well, that or banished to Tartarus... or the moon... or the sun. Has someone been banished to the sun before? I don't recall reading anything. I imagine it wouldn't be all that pleasant - too hot and sticky, exact opposite of the moon." I paused at the blank looks on their faces. I smiled weakly. "Apologies for the interruption."

Night Light's mouth scrunched up. "You see?" he insisted to his wife. "He even admits it's a serious offense." He turned to me, muscles tensed. "So? Anything to say for yourself? In lieu of Velvet vouching for you, I'll at least give you a chance to defend yourself before dragging you off to the royal guards."

I just found it so cute that he thought he could actually force me into anything; it made me want to pinch his grumpy little cheeks. Still, given his scowling, it was probably best for me to just play along. I took another cookie. "You have every right to be cautious, Velvet's husband." He seemed torn between rankled and confused at my name for him. "For all you know, I could be some raging psychopath with a hate fetish for all ponykind. But I'll have you know that I would never let anything happen to your wife and children. Their ancestors were very precious to me... Oh, and you, too, I guess," I added. "Velvet would be upset if I let her hubby get hurt."

Night Light gave me a look. "That... doesn't answer my question."

"Let's just call it a legacy of misspent youth and leave it at that. Oh don't look at me like that!" His glare had reached Badlands-levels of lethality. "I'll have you know I had a direct hand in my sealing, and not in the 'being hoisted by my own petard' kind of manner. It was the only way to fix what I had done, so no, there's no need to worry about the circumstances of my sealing."

"If you were so willing and there was no 'trouble,' then why were you sealed for so long?" He still didn't look convinced. Once again, admirable, but inconvenient and very annoying. "Surely someone would have freed you long before now."

I shrugged. "Perhaps, if they knew what the Tartarus I'd actually done. That's the problem with unknown, foreign magic - no one knows how it works. By the time the pony who had the best chance of freeing me figured it out, well..." I choked down the remains of the cookie. "But don't worry, it's not like I'm holding a grudge! Even after being forgotten and lost, trapped as a stone statue while everyone-and-thing I'd come to know turned to dust, it's not like I'm bitter... much." I muttered the last bit underneath my breath.

No... totally not bitter.

...I'm a terrible liar.

Night Light looked like he wanted to pry further, but given the way Velvet kept jabbing him and giving him the stink eye, he got the message - stop distressing her friend or be banished to the couch for a fortnight. Ah, my little Velvet, you really were a darling filly.

Velvet glanced back at me after warning her husband and gave a sympathetic smile. "So, how did you finally get out, Teller?” she asked while pouring another cup of tea. I was faintly amused to note that it was still piping hot even after sitting out for so long.

I remembered that cantrip. Clover created it because Star Swirl would tend to ignore the tea she made him for his research binges until it was stone cold. Of course, she also abused it whenever he became completely engrossed. Never thought I'd see the 'steam-out-the-ears' visual gag in real life.

I took the cup gratefully and sipped it without adding anything. I needed the slightly bitter tinge now. "You can thank that rapscallion Discord for that. Because of his prison break, I found a little aetheric loophole."

I had to find a way to show him my gratitude. Maybe a cleaning service to scrape off the bird droppings he'd no doubt accumulate after the Elements re-stoned him.

I blinked upon realizing something. "Speaking of which, you're both taking his dreaded return fairly well. Shouldn't you be a little more, I don't know, concerned? Panicking? Rioting in the streets?"

"More concerned than with the other unsealed, ancient being drinking tea in our parlor?" Night Light asked sardonically.

Velvet shoved him playfully. Or at least playfully for her; he exhaled sharply as her fetlock founds its way between his third and fourth ribs. "We're not too worried. Princess Celestia will solve the problem before it gets too out of hand."

The cup froze on my lips. I was glad that between it and my scarf, neither Night Light nor Velvet could see the sour look flashing across my face. Almost immediately, I pushed down the roiling emotions in my gut. I was sure that if I didn't, I was going to say something I'd regret. I finished my tea in one long pull. It washed away the minute taste of bile in the back of my throat, calming me down.

Though, that was right - she had changed her name a while back, hadn't she? Shouldn't have been surprised, haughty git she was - is, rather.

"Yes, I'm sure she will." Or Twilight and company would. However, I didn't need to say that. Didn't want to send Velvet into a tizzy when she realized her only daughter was going to face off against and be mind-raped by an eldritch abomination of chaos.

...actually, scratch that cleaning service. I was going to bring a sledgehammer with me next time I visited the Royal Gardens.

"So I guess that means until things blow over we'll spend the time getting reacquainted."

Velvet's eyes began sparkling again and she gasped. "You mean I'll actually get to hear your stories firsthand?"

"Of course! As long as you tell me what's happened in your life since you last visited."

She squealed like a schoolfilly. "Eee! I don't believe it! There's so much I want to know, so much to ask, so much to hear, I, I..." Her ears perked up and swung around. "That's right! I have that!" She slipped down to the floor. "Excuse me for a moment, there's something I have to give you! It won't take long, just stay right there! Nighty, be good, don't hurt Teller's feelings. Eee, so exciting!" With another squeal she galloped out of the room, heading into the back of the house.

I couldn't help but chuckle before seeing that Night Light was still observing me. "Hmm?" I hummed. "Still wary? What do I have to do to convince you I'm not a threat?"

"It's not that," he said. My lips curved cheekily. "Really," he softly growled. "I'd like to hope I'm a good judge of character. Comes with being a town guard for a few decades. And even if you're still sketchy as dodge, maybe you're not as dangerous as I initially assumed."

"Why, Velvet's husband! I do believe I'm beginning to grow on you!"

He ignored the obvious bait; he really was a clever colt. "The only thing I don't get is what exactly is your connection to Velvet's family, Booker?" He shook his head. "You're part of her traditions, but if you did come from before Discord's arrival, it's not like you could have known them all that well."

"Let me answer your question with another question. Tell me, what do you know of Velvet's family?"

He shrugged. "They're minor nobility, viscount I think. Didn't really pay much attention when I married into the family."

"Not a social climber, are you?"

Night Light snorted. "Do I look like one of those hoighty-toighty, upper crust nobles? I've had to break up - and been the start of - more drunken brawls than any of them have even heard of."

"Married her for her big, beautiful brain, did you?" I grinned impishly.

He returned it, albeit more coarsely. "Something like that."

"That's good." I closed my eyes until there was just the tiniest sliver of iris visible. "I'm a terrible liar. Had you been that type of stallion, I wouldn't be able to hide from Velvet where I stashed your body."

His smile became more feral. "You'd try."

Spunky. I was beginning to like him more and more.

I cleared my throat. "Moving on, do you know why she's nobility? Her lineage?"

"Pretty sure she's distantly related to one of the more famous unicorn leaders of the Classical era," he said, eyes shifting up and to the left as he tried to recall who. "Star Swirl, I think."

"Yes, well..." I chuckled. "That's how I know her family."

Night Light's eyebrows rose as he started to connect the dots. "Are you saying that...?"

"Star Swirl was the first friend I made when I arrived in this crazy, pastel land of ponies," I said. Nostalgia washed over me as memories of happier, stupider, more dangerous times surfaced. I swallowed the sad smile forming. "Little Velvet, her entire bloodline, is directly descended from him. Guess you could say I've been the family's honorary godfather since the beginning." My lips twitched. "I've got a lot of spoiling them rotten to make up for."

"Then why doesn't Velvet's family have more status? Considering how much value nobles put on who you're related to, having a famous unicorn like Star Swirl as a direct ancestor would put them much higher than where they are now."

"And you think they'd even care if they did have more prestige?" I questioned glibly.

"What do you mean?"

"Star Swirl was an antisocial eccentric who'd rather lock himself in his atelier and experiment than hob-knob with the movers and shakers of Equestrian politics. His..." I struggled to come up with a term that could accurately describe the two's relationship. "Partner was rather down to earth for a unicorn noble. In fact, had she actually been able to discard her nobility without destroying everything she'd worked to achieve, I've no doubt she would've."

My eyes searched out where Velvet had gone. I couldn't hear her but knew she was still probably looking for whatever it was she'd left to find. "From what I've seen, both of their personalities have become almost genetic traits: always headstrong, always practical, always with their nose in a book." I wrinkled my nose. "Also, always female. What's up with that?"

It was like they were genetically coded to always give birth to the most adorable fillies I had no chance resisting.

I blame my niece for conditioning me this way. Stupid pouty-face weakness...

"Uh huh," Night Light said simply.

"You don't see all that surprised," I noted amusedly.

"My daughter's the personal pupil of Princess Celestia and a national hero, my son's dating another princess, and I'm talking with somepony that lived around the founding of Equestria. Finding out the love of my life is closely related to somepony famous isn't going to shock me that much, or make me treat her any differently."

"...you're a good colt. Maybe you're just worthy enough of her."

"I'll take that as a compliment." His voice grew rougher. "And don't call me colt."

My smile widened. His glare grew. I was about to open my mouth to say something totally inflammatory and probably receive a hoof to the face in exchange but was interrupted by Velvet rushing back into the room and literally launching herself at me. I grunted in pain when her hooves dove into my stomach, but her ecstatic expression prevented me from even thinking about scolding her.

Dang it, I really was a pushover.

"Look, look! I found it, I found it!" she squealed excitedly. Her horn glowed and then there was a small but thick journal shoved into my face.

It was bound in soft rubber (because really, like a world of sapient animals would use leather binding) and the pages, while dog-eared, worn from constant use, and slightly yellowed from age and... other things, had obviously been lovingly cared for. Unbidden, tears came to my eyes.

Wordlessly, I took the journal from her aura and opened it to the first page. The entry was written in a language completely alien to Equestria, or anywhere else on this planet for that matter.

Hey, Kitty, you'll never guess where I am? Give up? It's your favorite show, MLP! When I get back, I can't wait to tell you everything. Writing it all down. You will freak once you see whose autographs I've gotten...

There was more, but my vision had gotten too blurry to continue. Something gently dabbed at my eyes. I looked up to see Velvet hovering a handkerchief, her face motherly. Night Light was uncomfortable staring anywhere else other than me.

I gratefully took the handkerchief and wiped my eyes then blew my nose. Night Light winced at the trumpet-like call, but Velvet just watched patiently. I smiled helplessly. "Thanks," I said. "How did you...?"

"It's been in the family for generations," she said. Velvet book a hoof over my hand on the journal. "When you disappeared, my family made it a point to look after it until you returned, to give it back to its true owner." She giggled. "Never thought the story behind it was true, or that I'd be the one to complete the tale."

"What is it?" Night Light asked, his curiosity overcoming his discomfort.

"It was a gift," I said. "My first gift. A good gift... from a good friend."

It was also one of my soul books. As if sensing its purpose had been fulfilled, it turned to light and entered my grimoire. Instantly, memories flooded me, almost overwhelming me. Every story, every word I jotted down, rose to the forefront. It was going to take some time for me to sort through them all.

"Sorry," I said shakily. "That must've been a precious family heirloom."

"Don't worry," she demurred. "It was yours to begin with. Besides, we lost the ability to read it centuries ago; dialect changed so much we didn't have any point of reference to work with. So it became folktales at bedtime. Still can't believe they were all real." She leaned closer to examine it. "Was it a gift from Star Swirl?"

"Yeah, though the old goat probably meant to keep it as documentation for research material." That was the main reason I wrote it alternatively in English, Japanese, and Latin instead of Equus; I didn't need the magic-obsessed snoop reading through my personal thoughts. "Clover, though, she was a bit more romantic about it. Said it was to remind me of what I'd done... and where I came from."

"You knew Clover the Clever, too?" Night Light threw his forelegs in the air. "Of course you did! Why wouldn't you be close friends with all of the famous ponies of the Classical era?"

"You could say that..." I mumbled furtively. My good cheer returning, I turned back to Velvet, who looked at me expectantly. I knew exactly what she wanted. "So... wanna hear a story?"

The high-pitched squee (and it could only be described as such) nearly deafened me. I stuck a finger in my ear and twisted. Night Light's face was a rictus of horror, as though I'd unleashed some great, terrible beast.

"Take that as a 'yes,'" I said gingerly. "So, any one in particular? Just got a refresher on a bunch I'd nearly forgotten about."

"Tell me about when you first met Clover!" Velvet yelled almost immediately. "For some reason that story was never passed down."

"Pretty sure I know why." I laughed lightly as the memory came trickling back. "It was a pretty embarrassing incident... for both of us." I looked around the room. "So, should I get up or somethi-or you could just do that."

Plopped on her butt right in front of me, Velvet scooched up like a kid would to a television. Her ears were trembling, her eyes shining, her tail flicking back-and-forth with excitement. Uh, wow, she really liked the stories.

Velvet threw a quick glance over her shoulder. "Nighty, come here! Teller's gonna tell us a story!"

"I'm just fine here. In fact, I could probably get some work done while you-"

"Nighty!" she barked, jabbing at him then at a spot next to her on the floor. "You! Butt! Here! Teller! Story! Now!"

"But honey-"

"NOW!"

"Yesdear." He quickly hopped down. His face was completely neutral, but I could see the bead of sweat on his temple as he made his way over.

Her husband successfully cowed, Velvet refocused the full brunt of her story-mania on me. Had I not been used to the original, I might've flinched at the unholy light in her eyes. Instead, only my cheek twitched briefly.

Well, who was I to deny such an adoring audience? I cleared my throat and began.

"So, it all started when I was in Star Swirl's study, reading over his research notes. Then this little, green mare comes in and everything goes to..."

I raised my arms above my head and pulled. With an audible 'snap,' I felt my vertebrae shift and muscles twinge. Letting out a low, low, pleased groan of satisfaction and not a small amount of happy drool, I sank further into the oversized bathtub. Even sitting on the bench I'd created, the water easily reached up to my nose.

I'd almost forgotten how large pony bathrooms were; compared to the one in my cramped apartment back home, even the most modest of pony ones were luxury-suite levels of grand. Guess it made sense that creatures that walked on all fours needed more space to walk around in.

Say one thing: Velvet sure was adamant about fulfilling the tenets of hospitality. Thought she was going to chain me to the floor when I made to leave after several long rounds of storytelling. She said there was no way she'd let her godfather (I admit, I squeed at that) sleep anywhere else when there was a perfectly serviceable bed at their house. Surprisingly, even Night Light agreed with the idea.

I think I was wearing him down.

She'd nearly shoved me into the bathtub, and it was only by the grace of ZUN that I'd managed to convince her that I didn't need to be scrubbed down like an antsy colt (but not until after she'd telekinetically stripped me so she could wash my clothes).

Still, Velvet really did make a good bath. I took a deep breath, inhaling the fragrant scents of lilacs and lavender that she'd infused the bathwater with. Heck, there were even flower petals floating on the water's surface; the wisps of steam rising and swirling up off of them rather artistic-looking.

Hey, I was secure enough in my masculinity to enjoy a little pampering. I was stone for over three thousand years - I deserved a little relaxin'.

"Silver glass hand mirror... with a handle."

The mirror materialized in the air, and I grabbed it before it could fall (by the handle, luckily).I looked at myself through it and marveled at how little I'd changed (if at all) since I'd first arrived in Equestria. However, that didn't take into account the huge changes when I came here.

I guess I should've been grateful. Considering ZUN's art style, I'm lucky I didn't look like I was underaged. I still looked like a man in his mid-twenties, just sorta baby-faced and very... pretty.

Yeah, I'd been bishounenfied. When 99% of Touhou's cast was cute girls and the only guys were a bishounen, a dapper elderly gentleman, and a very manly pink cloud, I'm thankful I got the first one.

That wasn't the only physical change. My hair, originally black, had changed to a deep, dark blue, offsetting the bright hue of my eyes. I opened my mouth and stuck out my tongue.

The kanji for 'word' and 'spirit' were inscribed vertically on top and faintly glowing.

I sucked on my teeth. I put a hand to my forehead and pushed back my slick bangs, letting go of the mirror in the other. It vanished in a collection of shining motes before it even touched the floor.

"Damn it."

I really was back.

...whelp, that just meant I had work to do. People to meet, places to go, stuff to steal, books to borrow, princesses to ruin. Busy, busy, busy.

I waved blindly at my grimoire as it floated next to me (I had no concerns about it getting wet). It obediently flew in front of me. I made a swiping motion with my hand.

"Open."

The spellbook snapped open, its pages flipping frantically. With the sound of a barely restrained hurricane, the pages leapt from the binding and into the air. They encircled me, moving faster and faster until they were a blur. Eventually they slowed and the stopped, leaving me at the center of a dome made up of mystical parchment.

"Active spell cards."

The dome shifted like a great tile puzzle, pages fluttering up, down, and across until I now had several sheets, different from the rest, floating in front of me. Unlike the others, these sheets had visible words written on them and were glowing more brightly.

Only about a half-dozen, huh? I wasn't surprised; I'd lost most of them when I was sealed. I'd just have to make do with the ones I had until I gathered the rest. Though this did give me reason to actually create more of my own originals; the first and only one I'd made was more of a last resort measure.

Now, which one should I... ah! Perfect.

I raised a hand.

"Cut."

My hand was sliced open by an invisible blade. The tang of iron and ink mixed with the sweet smell of flowers. I curled up my hand and flicked the welled-up blood at one of the pages.

It drank the blood up before its glow turned from a bright blue to a dark red. Gradually, something began to emerge from the runic circle drawn at the top of the page.

Soon, I would have my revenge. Soon, I would get what I desired. Soon, it would all be perfect.

Get ready, Sparky! Mr. Woodsworth was coming for ya!

Author's Note

Disclaimer: The views of Booker do not match those of the author. Please do not lynch me when he says bad things about your best ponies.

Well, that's the second chapter. All aboard the exposition train! Hopefully this fleshed out more of Booker's personality and the way he acts towards others. I have the feeling I'm turning him into the doting uncle that has the capacity to destroy a small country if a young, cute relative asks of it. I had fun with Velvet's and Night Light's personalities, at least when compared to their 'canon' ones (do they even have ones beyond proud parents?).

Well, onto the next one. Let the drastic, explosive reunions commence!

Ridiculous Game

"You didn't have to hit me that hard."

I looked up from picking up one of the magical apparatuses scattered around the room. Star Swirl was rubbing at the lovely goose egg welling up between his eyes. He had the expression of a chastised child that'd been caught red-handed and was now pouting over his punishment.

I had no sympathy. "I warned you what would happen if you poked me again." I used the tone of voice usually reserved for when my niece acted up. "You have only yourself to blame."

"But... but maaaagiiiic..."

"No. Poking."

"Oh, very well," he huffed. "You'd think you'd allow a little poking after nearly destroying my house and atelier."

"And that's why I'm helping to clean up," I said forcefully. I took another look around the room. My entry really wrecked the place - a giant hole in the wall; bits of wood, stone, and plaster all over; thick sheaves of paper, no doubt holding the stallion's research notes, scattered about; and more magical baubles than I could shake my grimoire at just everywhere.

I held back a wince. "I really am sorry, by the way."

"Don't worry about it," he waved off with a hoof. "It's nothing worse than I've done myself. My research isn't exactly the safest or most stable, so collateral damage is something I'm well acquainted with. The number of times I've had to regrow my beard are too numerous to count." He studied the damaged wall. "Though I do believe this is the first time I've had an explosion going in rather than out."

"I'm still sorry," I said. Really, I was. As apathetic to social niceties as I could be, I'd not only committed severe property damage, but also might've damaged the pony's research. I understood what it was like to possibly lose something you'd poured sweat, blood, and tears into, especially during my Master's program when I’d literally jumped my friend after he'd pretended to delete my final thesis. "I'll do as much as I can to pay you back. Both for the damage and for not dissecting me."

"You mean dissection is back on the table?" he asked excitedly, ears swiveling and tail wagging. The look I gave him was his answer. "Er, that was a joke. I would never dissect another sapient creature to further my studies, even if I would put him back together as he was."

Sure you wouldn't.

I rolled my eyes and made to grab a glass ball that looked like it was full of webs of light.

"Ah, I wouldn't touch that if I were you."

I froze, my fingers mere centimeters away from touching the orb. "Why?" I asked, eyeing it warily.

"That's an untested, experimental device of mine," he explained. He pulled a butterfly net out with his magical aura and scooped the orb up with it. Star Swirl deposited the ball in a trunk with more locks and chains on it than a JRPG character. "When activated, it either reverses the user's personal flow of time for thirty seconds... or it makes them sneeze out their lower intestines. I'm not sure, I haven't found a test sub... I mean pony to try it out yet."

"Uh-huh," I mumbled, suddenly noticing all the other murderkill devices thrown about the room. I carefully tiptoed away from the largest concentration of them. "You don't say..."

He nodded. "Yes, in fact I-" Star Swirl perked up. "Actually, would you mind terribly if-"

"Not interested."

"Oh. Well, horseapples."

I smirked at his aggravated tone. I realized something then, something I really should've thought of before started warding off Star Swirl's 'study' attempts. "Hey, Star Swirl?"

He split his attention between me and the papers he was trying to collate. "Yes?"

"How come nobody else is here? I mean..." I looked around. "Your house did explode. Isn't anyone worried that you might be hurt? At the very least, shouldn't other... ponies be checking things out? Especially since you said you're such a bigwig."

He chuckled. "No need to worry. Despite my prestige, I prefer to live at the edge of the unicorn settlement. It gives me the privacy and silence I need to further my studies." He finished tidying up the pile of papers and set it down on a lopsided bookshelf. "Besides, I did say my experiments have a tendency to cause a lot of noise. A larger-than-average boom won't cause much alarm. Ah, pick up my Poking Stick, will you? It'll get dusty where you left it."

I picked the stick up from where'd I tossed it after smacking him. "So I don't have to worry about the town guard or anything paying a visit?"

"The only one who comes around with any regularity is my assistant, but she's currently on a diplomatic mission to the griffon lands with the unicorn ambassador, so she shouldn't be back for a couple weeks." He tapped his chin as if remembering something. "No, wait, there was another one - a young unicorn mare. Rather powerful filly, the Celestial Circle mentioned bringing her in to help move the sun…"

Wait, was that who I thought it was?

"Hey, does her name happen to be-"

"Star Swirl, are you alright?!"

Had the door been unharmed from my initial impact, it certainly wasn't now. The wooden structure exploded inward. Behind the pile of fresh kindling was an alabaster unicorn mare with a flowing pink mane. I could just make out the image of a sun rising on her flanks. Holy crud, it was a pre-alicorn Celestia!

"Ah, Solana, you seemed to have shattered my door... again." Star Swirl sounded rather perturbed at that. What, an alien destroying his lab didn't make him bat an eye, but one measly door annoyed him? Then again, it sounded like it was a repeat performance. Maybe if...

...wait, did he say 'Solana?' So she wasn't Celestia? Then who was...

The unicorn's eyes flashed between my hand carrying the Poking Stick and the welt on Star Swirl's forehead. She flared up. I mean literally flared up - her main and tail were on fire! Solana stared me straight in the eyes, snorting furiously, her hooves pawing at the ground.

...boy, she looked pissed.

"Vile fiend!" she bellowed, nearly blowing me over with sheer volume. "How dare you visit harm upon the great Star Swirl?! And upon his glorious crown, no less! Why, one strike and the entire pony race would lose one hundred years of progress!"

"I'm not that fragile, you know," Star Swirl mumbled.

She wasn't listening. "I don't know what manner of beast you are, uncomely as your face is, be you sickened minotaur or other, but know that I won't tolerate what you have done here!"

Wait, did she just call me ugly? "Look," I said slowly, putting my hands out in a placating motion. "There's a bit of a mistake here. I didn't really hurt him too bad. He just kept poking me and I lost my temper so-"

"So you admit to it!" Solana roared. "Then stand firm and take your righteous punishment, demon!" She lowered her head and light began to coalesce around her horn, her back legs tensing to shoot forward.

"Whoa, whoa! Wait a second!" I took a shaky step backwards. I glanced at Star Swirl in desperation. "Star Swirl, help me out here! Tell her it's just a misunderstanding!"

He gave me a mixed look of pity and sympathy. "Good luck," he said, his tone telling me that any help on his part would be a fruitless endeavor.

"Prepare yourself!" Solana said, her back legs kicking off.

I didn't care if this Solana was Celestia or just some other pony enamored with Star Swirl. I didn't care that retaliating may just deepen the misunderstanding or make things worse. All I cared about was that I had a creature that could bend the primordial forces of nature to her will and was pointing a six-inch-long pigsticker in the direction of my colon really wanting to hurt me. So I did what anyone with a healthy preservation instinct would do when she came leaping at me.

I broke the Poking Stick over her head.

There are two things you must understand about pony culture.

One, they are almost suicidally lax when it comes to predicting and preparing for danger. I don't mean little dangers, like an errant thunderstorm or anything along those lines; heck, with each type controlling a part of nature it's easier to say they micro-manage trivial dangers on a national scale.

No, I'm talking about the large-scale dangers that happen on a disturbingly frequent basis - the vengeful moon goddess, the mad chaos god, the insidious bug queen, the corrupted crystal emperor... the pink one. You'd think after the first world-destroying super-villain appeared, they'd make plans to deal with the next one (and there's always a next one when your world runs on a vague 'good' concept like harmony).

But no, they didn't. They reacted the exact same way every time - panicking and dumping the problem into the laps of the Elements. I mean, I understood why - they were a children's cartoon; they had to get the heroes to solve every problem. It made sense for a children's series.

Now that it was real, it was both silly and very frightening.

The second thing you need to know about ponies is that they really loved their celebrations. Not surprising for a species that could and would burst into joyous song at the drop of a hat or had a member that suffered a psychotic-break if she went partyless for more than twenty-four hours. So yeah, if they had a reason to hold a celebration, then like Tartarus were they not going to take it.

The defeat of a foe that threatened the entire world and was only previously beaten by the combined talents of two immortal princesses was a good reason.

So it was not much of a surprise that not even three days after Discord and I broke out, the princesses were holding an award ceremony for his re-sealing by Twilight and friends. Also, not surprising, I had gotten into the castle as an extra with Velvet and Night Light with minimal fuss.

Canterlot security was ridiculously bad. No wonder the changelings took over in five minutes flat.

After stepping past the security checkpoint into the main foyer, I set my gaze on Night Light. "Did you really have to say my skin condition was virulently contagious?" I asked crossly, my voice muffled.

Looking snazzy in his suit and bowtie, Night Light ruined his image of a low-rank noble by snorting roughly. "What? It stopped him from checking you any further. Besides, it was your choice to come in here with that ridiculous get-up."

My eyes narrowed behind my mask, a facsimile of a minotaur's muzzle. While ponies might've been gullible, they weren't stupid; walking in without any kind of disguise would've gotten me surrounded faster than ants on a picnic. So pretending to be a minotaur friend with a horrific skin problem was the best way to explain my appearance.

Dang it, it was like Classical era pony society all over again.

"Dissuade him, probably. Make me think he would quarantine me, definitely."

"Ah, you would've been fine. A brisk shower and magical search, and you would be back none the worse for wear."

I was about to say something back about his questionable heritage and hygiene, but Velvet interrupted, saying, "Now, now, Nighty, don't poke fun at him." She turned to me. "I think your outfit's very nice, Teller. Makes you look all mysterious and dashing."

I lifted my arms, the finely-embroidered poncho I'd created rising off the ground to show my quite hoofless feet, and gave a quick spin. "Why thank you, Velvet. It's nice to know someone appreciates my fashion sense."

"Sure, you'd get along just fine with what's supposedly noble fashion," Night Light added. "The mask definitely helps."

I stuck my nose up. "Why I never!" I turned on my heel and stomped away from the flow of ponies heading to the royal reception hall, my long gait and tall stature (well, compared to ponies) making it easy to move quickly out of the masses.

"Hey, where do you think you're going?" Night Light shouted over the crowd.

"To go decontaminate myself!" I yelled back. "I think my skin might be sloughing off as we speak!"

"Don't you go causing trouble!" His voice grew fainter as he was swept along with the crowd. "Buck it, Booker! I'm warning you! I-hey, stop pushing! What are you-!" He disappeared around the corner. Velvet waved goodbye to me as she turned it, too, giggling deviously.

Little mare knew me all too well. What kind of rogue was I in her stories?

Probably the kind that did what I was about to do - cause horseappletons of nuclear-grade mischief.

I hadn't been idle after my reawakening. Between story sessions with Velvet and convincing Night Light I wasn't going to destroy Equestria, I'd spent time getting reacquainted with my powers, and discovering a few new ones as well. Guess that's what happens when you spend nearly sixty years under the mistaken notion of what your powers actually were and then another three thousand not able to actually test them - you find yourself with a couple new tricks up your sleeves.

One of them made it real easy to sneak through the castle. Considering how many notes, confidential papers, staff orders, and secret documents that circulated the place (not to mention the books; oh ZUN, the books!), even if the place's guard wasn't a joke, it still would have been a cinch to completely avoid the patrol patterns.

Kinda hard to be caught skulking the halls when you're never in them.

Thanks to that, I'd found several more of my soul books scattered around the palace. My awakening must've activated them somehow, because it was like hearing a siren's call, and it only got stronger the longer I took to find them. Where they were located mostly made sense - a few in the other library wings, a couple in the higher-up servants' quarters, even a cookbook in the kitchen (what? I liked earth pony seasonings) - but the one in the royal bedchambers? And on that subject? Why would-

No, no, I didn't want to know.

However, as useful as it'd been to scout out the insides of the castle, it wasn't as helpful in getting me to where I was heading now. Not much writing in the royal gardens, after all. Plus, watches and access to that section had been tightened after Discord's sealing. So now, with a city-wide celebration underway and most of the guards shifted to look after the guests, both commoner and VIP, this was the best time to do what I needed.

The gardens were a beautiful and serene scene to behold. It was no wonder the place was such a hot spot for social gatherings amongst the rich and influential. You'd never guess that this was also the site that fleeing woodland creatures, rampaging changeling swarms, twisted abominations of nature and physics, and rabid party-crashers would visit. Granted, most of that stuff hadn't happened yet, but still - gentle-looking place for such happenstances of havoc.

It didn't take me long to find Discord's statue. He was in the middle of a clearing (the same one he'd broken out of, I think, in fact), the only thing 'guarding' him a flimsy barrier of a velvet rope strung across thick posts driven into the ground. A delicately written sign reading, "Please Do Not Touch," was hung off the rope.

And as far as I could tell, that was it. No guard post, no magical alarm, nothing. No wonder Discord was able to free himself because of three fillies having a silly argument - there was nothing else holding him back other than a little lack of dissonance.

Speaking of which, I had to think up a gift to give to the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Even indirectly, they’d helped free me as well. Maybe a heartfelt 'thank you' card. Or a tasteful fruit basket. Or a bazooka.

Bore thinking on later.

I easily stepped over the not-even waist-high barricade and ambled up to Discord. Just like I remembered from the show, his face was a mix of shock and horror. Just vaguely, I could make out the flow of magic behind his granite shell.

I smiled. It was not a kind one.

"Hello, Discord, it's a pleasure to meet you." I removed my hat and placed it to my chest, allowing my mask to dematerialize and giving a short bow. "You probably don't know me. That's okay, I was gone long before you came out to have fun. You can call me Booker if you'd like. Or if you weren't, y'know, a statue." I grinned lopsidedly.

There was a small thrum of power, jittering and quick. Looked like someone was getting impatient and wanted me to get to the point.

"Forgive me, I'm getting off-topic. What I came here for was to thank you. Because of your raucous little outing, I managed to free myself after a very long time. I'm here to repay the favor."

The thrum blossomed, becoming a deep boom. I smiled again and then put a finger to my lips, eyes screwed shut.

"However, I'm having a bit of a conundrum. You see, during your escapades, you took great delight in breaking a young filly, relishing in how you turned her friends against themselves, exulting in twisting inside-out their very natures and virtues. You nearly destroyed her soul, and so, here is the problem..." I placed my hat back on my head and opened my eyes.

They blazed as bright as the sun and as blue as the noon sky. The thrum faltered.

"I don't care much about the others. I don't have any vested interest in them. But I am rather fond of that purple, precocious, precious pony. I adore her, Discord, her and her kin. You hurt her. I don't appreciate that. I have nearly all a mind to just smash you to dust and be done with it. Return you to the void from whence you came - where all is nothing and all is the same. A fate which, for you, would not be a pleasant one."

You ought not have hurt the blood that bore you, spawn of stars. I was not a merciful judge. But as much I may have wanted to, my oath and spirit would not allow me. Sometimes it really sucked to have morals.

Still didn't mean I couldn't exact appropriate punishment.

I slowly unwrapped my scarf from my neck. "So I appear to be at an impasse. You helped me, but hurt someone close to me in at the same time. I'm not ungrateful, but I don't find it wise to reward those that defy me, however unintentionally." I grinned. For anypony looking (like one statute), they might've noticed there were too many teeth showing, many of which were a little too sharp and pointy. "You see, we youkai are the vindictive sort, so I am going to help you, Discord - I'm going to teach you a lesson."

The pulse stopped for a few moments before it burst into rapid, successive claps.

I sighed and shook my head. "Why is it that children never listen to the sage advice of their elders? Whether in this world or the next, some things never change. Come now, Discord, you're a bit too old for your rebellious phase. This is a good learning experience. I'm going to teach you all about friendship!"

The pulse stopped and then doubled in intensity.

I frowned, disappointed in his lack of appreciation. "Really, I would think you of all people would be interested in the power of friendship. It did defeat you, after all. I mean, friendship is amazing! It can scorch or sooth the spirit, heal or harm the soul, harden or soften the heart - so many conflicting and yet beautiful emotions are because of and caused by friendship! And I'm going to show them all to you, my new bestest friend!"

I spread my arms wide. "So let me adorn you with a crown of flowers..." A ring of daisy links plopped on his head. "Shelter you with a cloak of rainbows..." A literal technicolor cloak fluttered around his shoulders. "And show you the true magic of music. Give me an ol' timey 1905 Berliner Gramophone!"

The older record player phased into existence next to the statue. I whispered something under my breath and a small 12-inch record appeared in my hands. I placed it on the turntable, put the needle on the groove, and hovered my hand above the crank.

"Allow me to show you that no matter the differences between individuals, we're actually quite similar; no matter how we may hurt each other because of varying beliefs, our hopes and dreams aren't that divergent; and no matter how vast the distance between our hearts, really, it's actually a pretty small world after all."

I turned the crank.

The music of the saccharine devil leaked like poisonous molasses from the gramophone's speaker. The thrum of power lessened and then nearly died off, leaving only the silence of one who received a revelation far too late.

"I'm gonna be your best friend," I said happily. Again, there was the flash of too many teeth. "I'm going to show you to use your chaos for good, how others will appreciate and not fear it, and that you're really just a big softy underneath that crusty exterior. I'll always be near - watching, listening, ready to lend a helping hand whenever need be." I pulled my scarf off my neck, threw it around Discord's, and leaned in close, nose almost just touching muzzle.

"Imma love and tolerate the fuck outta ya."

I think I heard a whimper. It made me feel all warm inside.

The tender moment was ruined by a strangled gasp of surprise coming from behind me. I pulled my scarf off Discord and rewrapped it around myself as I turned around in one smooth, fluid motion. Didn't need to freak out my unexpected guest with my chompers now, did I?

The royal guard was a few meters away, hovering his spear in his telekinetic grip. By his hooves was a spilled platter of hors d'oeuvres. So there was a gap in security because he wanted some palace party victuals? Looked like someone was going to get latrine duty for a year!

"Who are you? Verify your-" He met my eyes. "Oh my Celestia..."

What? What was wrong? Why was he... Oh shoot, I was still shining the youkai eyes of doom! He was going to think I was some demon attacking the castle! ...not like the misconception was that far off from the truth, but it still rubbed me the wrong way. I mean, who did he think he was, judging-

"What's wrong with your face?" the unicorn asked in disgust. "It looks like your muzzle fell off! And why are your eyes so small?"

...okay, yeah, I was done here; this running gag was getting old.

I patted Discord on his stony cheek. "See ya later, buddy. I've got an award ceremony to get to. But I'll be back soon, promise."

The guard was not pleased with me ignoring him. "Halt! This is a restricted area! Hands on your head! Get down on the ground!"

"Sorry, but I've got places to be and people to see." I pulled my scarf in closer. "Don't got time to deal with ya."

"That wasn't a request," the guard growled. His horn glowed with the charge of some spell. "By orders of the royal guard, you are to come with me and explain what you-"

Nope, definitely didn't have time for this crud. I made a throwing motion. "Silken cast net."

The finely woven net covered the guard. He squawked in surprise, his spell fizzling out from the net's sudden appearance. The weighted ends tangled around his legs and head, making it difficult to move. However, he was still a trained guard, and was already charging up a new spell to deal with the situation. I took the brief opportunity granted by his shock to rush in and slap his horn.

"Inhibitor ring."

The aetheric blocker coalesced around his horn, sucking away and reflecting the accumulated magic he'd been gathering. The unicorn gave a brief yowl in pain before he collapsed as the magical rebound momentarily scrambled his brains. He wouldn't suffer any lasting effects - maybe a migraine for the rest of the day, but nothing too serious. I didn't like hurting ponies if I didn't have to.

Though now that I knew guards might come wandering back in after raiding the buffet table, it was time for me to get going. I moved at a brisk pace out of the gardens towards the castle.

I'd barely made it out of Discord's clearing and the nearby topiary when a piercing whistle sounded from behind me. I looked over my shoulder to see the downed guard had had enough sense to use non-magical means to alert the others to me.

Huh, so they were getting smarter. Never would've had unicorns think to do that during Classical times. Stopping their magic was like cutting off any means of action for them. I was both proud and frustrated by that advancement.

With the next few minutes, it was mostly the latter as a stampede of guards chased me through the gardens. Dang it, for creatures with such tiny legs they were such fast runners!

"Halt! In the name of the princesses!" one of the guards at the front of the pack ordered out to me.

"Ain't my princesses! They can kiss my big, ol'-whoa!"

A guard coming from around the bend of a row of hedges nearly took my head off with a well-placed staff strike. I managed to dodge, but the loss of momentum allowed the other guards chasing me to finally catch up. The next minute or so was a blur of me weaving out of staff strikes, mana blasts, hoof thrusts, and bodily tackles.

Once again, I really didn't feel like hurting any of them. They were just doing their jobs to arrest an extremely suspicious intruder running around in the most important place in Equestria; couldn't blame them for that.

Still didn't mean I wasn't getting annoyed by their unending zerg rush on me even after I kept tying them up via bolos, nets, and the occasional over-sized flypaper trap.

I'll grant them this: the royal guards, while statistically useless in actual emergences, were pretty good when working as a team to take on a single opponent. On the scale of power, they were still pretty down in the dregs as even a swarm of them didn't activate the Rules, but they were trying enough to keep me on my toes. It was probably only due to all those years of learning to graze attacks from beings so far above them they were barely gnats that allowed me to avoid all of their attacks with a modicum of grace.

However, several millennia is a long time, and not fighting for that long made my dodging skills rusty. After tossing one pegasus aside, I caught my foot in one of my own traps and pitched forward. Matched with one lucky spear placement and I found myself tripping face first into a spearhead. The look of horror on the guard's face as he realized he was about to kill me was both adorable and heartwarming.

He needn't have worried.

My vision exploded into a thousand directions. The world became multi-faceted kaleidoscope as I saw both everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Cruising upward and across, I landed a several dozen feet away from the guard pile and reformed back into a physical body.

I immediately puked out my breakfast. Aww... and Velvet had worked so hard making those wheat pancakes that morning. She even used her homemade syrup. That was such a waste...

Say what you will about teleportation spells' tendency to cause nausea, they had nothing on getting deconstructed into thousands of literal shining words. Keeping my mind intact even for those few seconds was an immense trial of mental fortitude. A neat escape trick, but not a fun one. Using preexisting words as a medium helped a great deal, but turning into language without being written on anything was nearly insane.

Well, I had already tipped over the edge about eight centuries back, so I guess the point was moot.

I spit a couple times and... wait, were those red boxes with 'P' emboldened on them? That was... huh. That was weird. I should get that looked at later.

You know, when I wasn't being chased by a couple dozen pony guards.

"What in Equestria was that?!"

"That wasn't normal magic!"

"It was found near the statue of Discord! It may be a cohort of his!"

"Quick, don't let it near the castle! Protect the princesses and their guests!"

Oh, great, now they thought I was buddy-buddies with Discord. Well, I mean, I was now, but not back when he was raining chocolaty terror across the land. That was a logical fallacy and I didn't approve of it!

I didn't bother giving them any time to gain ground on me again. I took to the air. There was no point in trying to avoid attention now by sneaking along the ground, I'd already gotten quite a bit by this point. Several of the pegasus guards took flight after me. Which really sucked, because while I was more agile then them in the air, they were definitely much faster than me. So I only had a little bit of time before they’d bring me down.

I took full advantage of it. I zoomed off, looking for my final destination. It quickly came into view.

Aiming straight for the stained-glass window depicting Celestia’s and Luna's defeat of Discord, I braced myself to smash right through it. Yes, it was petty, but it's not like I cared if I ticked the two off.

It was only right before I hit it that I realized something - one, that while stained-glass on average was only about one-eighth an inch thick, the blueprints I'd poured over in the castle stated that the ones in the reception hall were easily two to three times that. Two, every bit of the castle was magically reinforced in case of outside attack... exactly like I was doing now.

As my bones smooshed into the very unbroken glass window, all I could think of was how inertia was such an unforgiving bitch.

That thought easily quadrupled when the pursuing pegasi couldn't stop in time and smashed into me from behind, their combined momentum and weight enough to break through the glass and send us all tumbling into the royal hall.

My mind raced to find something that would prevent the pegasi from breaking every bone in their bodies when we reached the floor and latched onto the first one that popped up.

"Mr. Bouncy's Super-Colossal Bounce House O’ Fun!"

There was a giant popping noise as I and several hundred pounds of pegasi and armor impacted the large, bright, yellow-and-blue bouncy house with a happy clown's face that appeared in the middle of floor at nearly terminal velocity. With a sad whine, the children's playtoy deflated onto itself before disappearing into a collection of sparkles.

Besides what was going to be the worst collection of bruises and ouchies ever, none of the guards seemed to be seriously injured from the fall. I extricated myself from the pile and got up on my feet.

"We're okay!" I shouted to the shell-shocked crowd watching. "Nothing to see here, move along." I made shooing motions with my hands. They made no movement other than to keep staring at me in shock. I frowned and put my hands on my hips. "What, you never saw a handsome devil like me crash a party before?"

"...Booker?"

I twitched. That voice. It was calmer than I remembered, less likely for the owner to just go off half-cocked, older, and more full-bodied... but there was no way I could ever forget that voice.

I turned to face the throne. There stood a pony that, including the foot-long swirling horn on her head, was nearly as tall as me. Her pure white fur gleamed in the light of the sun, her ephemerally waving mane and tail a transfixing collection of dawn colors. On her flanks was the image of a proud sun rising up to bathe everyone in its welcoming light...

She was regal, every bit the royalty that her title exclaimed. She was a leader of her people, a shining star that lit the way in the darkness of the night. She was intoxicating to look upon.

It took every strand of my being not to go and punch her in the muzzle.

Her elegant jaw was hanging down ever so slightly, mouth slightly agape. "Is that really you?"

"Why so surprised to see me, Celestia?" I asked, holding back the bitterness in my voice. "I said I'd be back, right? Not like you tried to help me along or anything."

"But... but when did you..." This was probably the first time in a long while that anypony had seen their beloved leader completely lost for words, and I was relishing every moment of it.

"Why, didn't you know? I've been out for a few days now. You'd know if you came by to visit me every once in a while, but I guess you're too busy running a country to see an old friend."

"But how did you..." Her eyes narrowed as she began to gather her wits back up. "Discord."

"Bingo." As much as I disliked her, she always was a bright mare. Figuring out how I'd been freed was simple to someone like her. "Funny how one of the greatest threats to Equestria could give me more help than you ever did. Not much of a ruler, are ya? Or is all your benevolence meant for only your little ponies?"

Reel in the melodrama, idiot. This wasn't what you were here for. You didn't have to make even more of a scene than you had already.

"Booker, I-" If I didn't know any better, I would've thought she looked genuinely apologetic. But I did, and the 'Celestia' I knew never apologized... for anything.

"Oh save it, Celestia." I said her name like it was some vile poison. "I am here for you, but you're playing second fiddle for my attention right now. Who I'm really interested in is..." My eyes roved to the group of multi-colored young mares and small drake standing in front of the alicorn, specifically the lavender-colored one in the center who was looking at me with a mixture of fright, determination, and vague recognition.

The corners of my mouth curled visibly above my scarf, and I darted forward. There were several cries of alarm and shock as I zipped towards the princess and Elements. The cyan jock even tried to intercept me (good reflexes, by the way) but I easily evaded her and hit my target.

Twilight Sparkle gave a small gasp as I scooped her into a hug and swept her into the air, laughing like an idiot and rubbing my cheek against her own. "Sparky!" I cried happily. "Where've ya been? I haven't seen you for so long!"

She took a sharp intake of breath as she finally got a clear look at my face. "...Mr. Wordsworth?" she breathed in disbelief.

"Were we ever gonna build that book fort?" I grinned.

She began to hyperventilate before she flung her forelegs around my neck, nearly knocking me out of the air. She squealed. "Mr. Wordsworth! It really is you! You're real!"

Déjà vu was just as cute the second time around.

"Hey, Sparks, it's good to see you again." I patted her on the withers, and her grasp on me threatened to choke me out. "It was lonely in the library without ya coming to see me."

"That was really you?" She squealed and put her hooves to her muzzle. "I can't believe it! All this time, I knew that you had historically existed! But to think you were so close all along. It's incredible!" Twilight's eyes sparkled as an untold number of theories were suddenly created and/or proven about my existence. Aww... that was just so adorable...

"Hey! What do you think you're doing with Twi?! Get down here, you dumb, ugly creep!"

We both looked down to see the blue one being held back by her tail by apple pony. Blue pony looked like she was about to shatter her teeth by how hard she was grinding them together.

I glanced at Twilight, eyebrow cocked. "Friend of yours?"

She blushed. "Yeah... Rainbow can be a bit... overprotective."

"Never really thought you’d be friends with a jock."

Her head whipped up. "Rainbow Dash is not a..." She trailed off and hung her head. "Okay, yes, she is, but she's also a really sweet filly and a good friend, too!"

Rainbow struggled more to get loose, but apple pony clamped down with her teeth harder and refused to let go. The rest of the Elements watched me anxiously, and Celestia eyed the two of us warily, looking like she was going to jump in at a moment's notice. Sure, you do that and make the whole situation even worse.

"Dang it, Booker! Would you put my daughter down before you drop her?"

Twilight snapped her head to look out at the crowd. "Dad?!" she cried.

Night Light pushed his way out from the masses and glared up at me. "Don't make me come up there, Booker! Bring my daughter back down now!" His horn started to glow threateningly. Velvet was by his side, smiling cheekily up at me but not saying a word.

"ZUN, Night Light," I muttered. "You make it seem like I've got four left legs." I jerked my chin at the two. "Shall we?"

"Um... okay?"

Twilight squealed again as the two of us dropped out of the air, decelerating right before we hit the floor. I was a lot better at controlling my falls when I wasn't part of a huge pile of pony parts. I let her down carefully and gave Night Light a sloppy salute.

"Delivered safely as ordered, sir!" I barked.

"I swear to Faust, Booker, I am going to wring your fat neck..."

"Now, now, Nighty, Teller can take care of her just fine." Velvet patted her husband on the neck and then focused on her daughter. She clapped her hooves. "Eee! Twily, isn't it amazing? He's actually here!"

"Mom!" Twilight said. "You knew Mr. Wordsworth was alive?"

"Of course we knew, sweetie. Teller's been staying at our place for the last few days."

Twilight goggled. "And you didn't think to tell me the greatest source of information of the Classical era except for Princess Celestia and Luna, not to mention someone who I thought was just my imaginary friend, was living in our house?" The more she talked, the more screechy her voice got until it was nearly a shriek.

"Well you had just saved Equestria again, dear. We thought it best to let you rest."

Twilight's eyes twitched, and several locks of hair in her mane and tail sproinged out of place. I couldn't resist.

I bent over and pinched her cheeks. "Oh, you are so cute. I'm going to take you home and feed you books until your brain is too big for your skull."

She pushed my hands away and slapped her cheeks. "That's scientifically impossible. The pony brain cannot grow to those proportions naturally without-" She suddenly stopped and stared at me, eyes widening and jaw dropping. "Did you say 'books?'"

I grinned and nodded. "Lots of books. Especially ones you haven't ever seen bef-"

I now had the world's cutest face hugger wrapped around my head. "Books..." she whispered greedily. "Show me your books..."

All around us I could hear whispered conversation. The rest of the audience had finally gained enough of their wits to start speculating about what was going on. Some wondered if I was some dignitary from a strange, foreign country. Other guessed I was some experiment of the princess that had escaped from the alchemist quarters. And still others just thought I was the weirdest hallucination brought about by spoiled food ever.

Those were all fine; at least they weren't immediately accusing me of being some pony-eating monster that ascended from Tartarus to suck out all their magic and souls.

That would be silly. Also: stupid Classical era culture.

One voice rose above the rest - a cultured, effeminate voice with just the barest (ok, more than that) hint of histrionics.

"Pardon my manners, but I just have to ask - what in Celestia's name is going on here?!"

Twilight ripped herself from my face and blushed profusely. From behind her, I could see the other Elements watching with bated breath and a look of minor exasperation mixed in. Even in the face of possible danger, they were used to the unicorn's quirks. "Uh, erm, I... think I may have gotten a bit over-excited there."

I chuckled. "No, but seriously, all the books when this is over."

"I'll hold you to that," she murmured dangerously. She leapt down from me and trotted forward towards the throne and her friends. She coughed. "Erm, girls, Princess, I'd like to introduce you to my... um, friend, Mr. Wordsworth."

"Yeah, but only she..." I pointed at Twilight. "Can call me that. The rest of you can call me Booker."

"Why are you here, Booker?" Celestia asked warily.

Twilight looked up, surprised. "Princess, you know Mr. Wordsworth, too?"

"We are... acquaintances from a long time ago." Pff, as if you could even call us that. She shook her head, her flowing mane drifting in an non-existent breeze. "But I still require an answer, Booker? Why did you crash into my castle and in the process injure my guards?"

I didn't really feel the need to answer her question, but saw that it would just bring more trouble if I played hardball. I shrugged. "They saw me over in the gardens talking with Discord. Thought I was trying to free him or something."

The hall went silent at the implication. Celestia raised her head. "And were you?"

I couldn't help it. I laughed. The ponies recoiled at the harshness in it. "Ahhh... that's a good one." I wiped away the tears in my eye. "No way would I do that. Just because he inadvertently broke me out doesn't mean I'm gonna ruin Sparky's hard work. No, no... I was just giving him an educational lesson."

Her eyebrows rose. "And that is?"

"Why, about friendship, of course!"

She grimaced and put a hoof to her forehead. "Why do I even try to have an intelligent conversation with you? It only ever results in headaches for me."

"Maybe if you'd pull your muzzle out of your plot long enough, you'd realize how much you're missing out on."

There was a rolling gasp at my insolence throughout the audience room.

"Mr. Wordsworth!" Twilight said, scandalized. "That's the princess!"

"Sure as Tartarus ain't my princess," I said, glad to not have a spear chucked at my head mid-sentence this time. Though by the looks of the throngs of guards beginning to fill out the room and escort the other guests out, it wouldn't be for long.

Celestia's patience looked like it was running thin. "Just what is it that you want, Booker?"

"Really, Celestia, you'd think that after leaving me to rot in stone for over three thousand years you'd be a bit more torn up about it." I sneered, my rage beginning to boil up again. "But I guess that's how you always were, conceited and self-centered to the end."

"What do you want?"

"Oh, not much," I shrugged. "Stretch my legs a bit, see how my godchildren were doing, read a few good books..." I gripped my scarf hard, knuckles whitening and popping from the stress. "And kick your mangy plot to the Eternal Sea and back."

"Mr. Wordsworth...?"

Celestia straightened. Her eyes begin to blaze, losing their motherly appeal and returning to the flames I once knew so well. "And what makes you think I'd allow you to do that?"

"You two, stop..."

"Funny thing about being sealed away and forgotten for millennia. You get angry and bitter. And the longer it lasts, the worse it becomes. It festers, like a wound that just grows more and more septic the longer you go without someone to talk to, someone to hold, someone who'll reach out a hand out to you."

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Twilight back away from me, apprehension starting to register on her face. It hurt, but I'd gone too long without this, and I needed to get it all out or else it would consume me from the inside. I would make her, all of them, understand later. But for now... this was what I had to do.

I raised my hand, palm outstretched upward. "It turns into a ticking time-bomb, and unless defused by the right hands, it'll cause nothing but untold death and destruction." A large black orb, about the size of a basketball, appeared in my upturned hand. On its front, connected by various, differently colored wires, was an analog clock with the minute hand at five minutes and the hour hand non-existent.

"You wronged me, Celestia, and I will have my due." I raised my voice until it boomed across the room, causing any ponies that were entering or exiting to stop in their tracks. "I am Booker the Kotodama, Youkai of the Word, Keeper of Knowledge, and Alien Extraordinaire. I challenge you, Celestia, to a Spell Card battle. The stakes?"

The second hand ticked down.

"Everything."

Author's Note

And the confrontation between Booker and Celestia begins! Things are gonna go to Tartarus in a handbasket now. Look forward to the first of many Spell Card battles; it's going to be a blast.

Hopefully the flashback sections are doing well at showing character development, as well as any changes between past and present Booker. Celestia will be... different in either section, but that's only natural - she grew over several millennia. And Booker, well, Booker is only going to start to heal his wounds.

For those wondering, this will not end up a bashing fic. Booker was wronged, like most Displaced characters, but he's greatly bitter over what happened and throwing blame at the only ponies he can. Hopefully he'll learn how to deal with it over time.

Also, has anyone figured out the chapter naming pattern yet? Cookie to the first few that say! Until the next chapter, and thanks for all the love!

Performer Selection

So it turned out that Solana actually was Celestia in her pre-alicorn years. Guess she had a name change sometime between now and the start of the series. Of course, you're probably wondering how I found out.

Was it her extreme likeness to the beloved ruler? Her cutie mark? Her propensity to chuck magical flames at those she deemed a threat?

Actually, it was because Luna, in all her dour glory, came to pick her sister up after our climatic battle because Solana was late for her curfew. The moon pony seemed even more unsocial than what I remembered from the series, because she barely acknowledged my presence long enough to even consider me an annoyance (with a barely restrained look of condescension) before she grabbed her sister in a telekinetic grip and literally dragged the unicorn from the premises while Solana threw warnings and expletives over her shoulder.

As for the aftereffects of the two of us tussling, well...

"Why did it have to end this way?!"

My face was red and raw from shame and first-degree burns. I looked down at the bawling unicorn mage, his head bowed and tears freely flowing. The still-smoldering remains of his atelier laid before us, swirls of smoke wreathing their way up and into the breeze. There was a crackling of wood, and I winced as a support beam that was somehow still standing suddenly couldn't anymore and collapsed inward, sending up a flurry of ashes and cinders.

"Star Swirl..." I started, unsure of how to possibly make up for what I'd done. "I am so, so sorry. I didn't..."

"All my research!" he wailed. He was curled up on the ground, holding something in his forelegs. "How can I possibly continue it now?"

"I..." What had I done? I hadn't expected to get into a full-blown brawl with Solana, let alone the way it happened. Obviously I had been changed a lot more than I'd first thought besides the whole 'in Ponyland' and 'magical book' shtick. To be both a part, and a major cause, of what happened... how could I ever make up for what I'd done to the stallion?

"I swear, "I'll make it up to-"

"It was so young!" Star Swirl flung his head up, each hoof holding up a broken half of a stick. "There was so much poking it could still do!"

...what.

"I still remember when I carved it from that willow tree..." He sniffled. "It looked at me and told me about all the things we could poke together. Oh, the magic we learned! The data we collected!" He gave a loud, mucus-filled snort. "But now it's all over! It'll never poke again..."

I looked at the snapped chunks of wood and then at the burning building. "Umm... Aren't you at all bothered about your atelier being destroyed?"

Star Swirl stopped mid-wail. He blinked and turned to me, the expression on his face one of absolute befuddlement. "Didn't I say explosions are a common, unfortunate consequence of my research?"

I opened my mouth and then closed it. I tried again. "But it's... it's kinda just a pile of slag now."

"Yes, and I have an excellent deal with a minotair craftsman who's on an exchange program here. My atelier should be back up and running within a week."

I looked at the wreckage. "Your experiments?"

He scoffed. "Please, if they gave under such pitifully hazardous conditions, I'd heartily consider them failures."

A sheet of paper floated in the heated updraft as it turned to ash. "Your notes?"

He tapped his noggin. "All up here. No need to write things down."

"Then why..."

"To show my genius, of course!" He laughed conceitedly. "If no one reads my work, how can they see how brilliant it is? I haven't a way to beam my greatness into their consciousness... Well, not yet anyway." He stroked his slightly charred beard. "Though Clover will be distressed when she's told she has to transcribe all my thoughts again."

My face had gone blank halfway through his brag. "...your poking stick."

His attitude did another one-eighty. "My Poking Stick! Waaahh!" He collapsed, weeping over the great loss.

I patted him on the back. "There, there," I said woodenly. "I'm sure you'll find another stick worthy of your affection." My cup overfloeth with sympathy.

An oak branch that had been sheered off from the tree after the battle inevitably went outside found itself covered in azure sparkles. It floated over and poked the embers.

Star Swirl gave another phlegmatic snort, and the stick dropped. "It's just not the same!"

I sighed. I just had to make first contact with a pony wizard more heartbroken over a hunk of wood than an entire building. I'd say that everything up till now was some sort of super-realistic fever dream brought about by sketchy con food, but my imagination wasn't robust enough for this. My college creative-writing professor always said I had the creativity of an unripe turnip.

So either this was definitely real, or some really abstract rendition of an ironic hell.

Shit.

I tried to be sympathetic again, feeling a lot more into it this time. "Look, Star Swirl, I really am sorry over what happened. I didn't think that I could, well, do what I did, and-"

"That's it!"

Suddenly I was on my back, my shoulders and hips pinned to the scorched grass by a deceptively heavy unicorn. Seriously, his withers were only up to hip-level (and I wasn't particularly tall), and yet he probably had a good hundred pounds on me. Stupid, dense pony musculature!

What made the weight pressing me down and preventing me from moving even more worrisome were the large, expressive, and frankly terrifying eyes attached to it that stared at me with a mania usually only possessed by someone about to dig into you with a chipped and bloody cleaver.

Star Swirl could probably create those out of nothing, and had shown a vested interest in cutting me open.

I think I might've wet myself.

"That magic! Those combat spells! That geas! I've never seen anything like that before!" As he rambled, the two halves of the ex-Poking Stick levitated up and pointed at me. I don't think he was even doing it consciously; it was horrifying. "Tell me, where did you learn them? Who created them? How did you defeat Solana with such a barrage of magic without causing more than a bruise? How did she use them and with such ease? Tell me!"

So yeah, I... kinda beat Solana in a Spell Card battle. I beat one of the soon-to-be most powerful entities in Equestria by chucking danmaku at her until the Rules declared her a loser.

I was still too preoccupied trying to comprehend that the Merchant (he had to be capitalized after what he'd done) and the Grimore of Marisa he'd sold me had turned me into a bona-fide Touhou character to properly consider the ramifications of that victory. Oh well, at least I had the cool hat.

"It... it's something called a spell card battle. No, wait..." I looked off to the side, partly to think, and partly to avoid making eye contact with Crazy Beard. "Guess it was more of a danmaku battle, since no spell cards were actually involved."

"Spell card? Danmaku? I don't know of the first type of magic and the second is untranslatable to me."

"Well, it's... look, if I tell you, will you let me up?"

"Of course!" Star Swirl jumped off me and twirled around in circles, like a dog happily chasing its own tail. "Now tell me, tell me! Tell me all about these 'spell cards' and 'danmakus!' How do they work? Why could Solana not attack you again? Why could I not stop either of you? I want to know it all!"

So I did, or at least an altered version of it. I wasn't about to explain how the spell cards and danmaku originated from a computer game, lest he start focusing on technology and its uprising in the absence of magic. So instead, I adapted Touhou's storyline as an alternate plane of existence to my world. It seemed easier at the time.

I told Star Swirl of the land of fantasy and illusion, Gensokyo, of how it separated from the real world because of the disappearing magic and belief in the supernatural to create its own reality. I told him of the human and youkai that lived there, not exactly in harmony but at least in some sort of balance. Of the various [Incidents] that occurred that threw the balance of that world into chaos. Of the shrine maiden that created the spell card rules in response to an evil(ish) vampire's shenanigans so that the weaker humans had a chance of fighting the more powerful and longer-lived youkai that threatened him. And of the Spell Card/Danmaku system that allowed for fighting without either side being permanently injured and prevented outsiders from interfering.

Star Swirl stayed rapt with attention the entire time, soaking in every word that I spoke. It was surprising, but he barely interrupted me except for a few times that he wanted some slight clarification. I think the idea of a completely new and different magic system from the one that he knew was blowing his mind.

When I finally finished, he looked at me starry-eyed. "Fascinating. Absolutely, positively fascinating." He stroked his beard. "And you say that you didn't have any access to these powers until you came here?"

I shook my head. "Nope, strictly a Gensokyo thing. Danmaku didn't exist back where I was from."

"I see." He pursed his lips, his eyes focusing on the fanbook. "And you believe this grimoire that merchant sold you is the culprit?"

"Can't really think of anything else." And I really couldn't. It was hard enough to believe that I now had access to danmaku, and maybe even spell cards, that I didn't even bother trying to deny that the grimoire was the source of it nor that it was actually magical. I hefted the grimoire up to look at it. Its inscriptions were still glowing merrily. "This is a replica of the grimoire of one of Gensokyo's famous individuals, a witch who chronicled the spell cards used by the inhabitants during the [Incidents]. I mean, it's a collector’s items for real, but that it was, well, y'know..."

So, what did it mean that I could use it, and what did that make me? Was I even still human, a magic user like Marisa, or was I some kind of youkai like most of the other cast? Besides that, what did it mean for my chances of finding my way back? I sighed. "And now I have no idea how to get home and..."

"Indeed." Star Swirl studied me for a few moments and then smiled widely. "Well, then, I believe I may have the answer to your problem."

I cocked an eyebrow suspiciously. "How so?"

"My dear alien, don't you see?" He raised a hood. "I am the premier magician when it comes to transdimensional travel. Surely you can figure out that I am your best chance for getting back home!"

"...you don't say..."

"I do say!" He laughed out loud. "Oh, this is perfect. It will be two carrots with one pull! I get more data about dimensional shifts and you return to your home world. Everybody wins!"

"And you're just doing this out of the kindness of your heart?" I asked cynically. I had the feeling that I wasn't going to like my end of the bargain, but if it meant getting back home...

"I don't believe in altruism," he said bluntly. "Everything for something, as my father always told me. No, you will be helping me... as a research sample." I could almost hear Igor calling for his master from that smile.

Ok, yeah, I called it.

The hall rang silent, the only audible noise the ticking of a clock.

Celestia glared warily between me and the object in my hand. "What is that?"

"Fireworks," I said cheekily. My overblown smile collapsed into a scowl. "What do you think it is?"

She scowled. That's it - get mad, get scared.

The pink one piped up. "Hey, where'd you get that? You didn't have any emergency stashes nearby!" She held out a hoof accusingly. "Cheater!"

"Pinkie!" Fashion pony slapped Pinkie's hoof down. "Don't point! It might enrage him!" She eyed me anxiously. "Err, but, yes, her point does stand; that was not here before. Where did you pull it from? Your clothes don't exactly look like they have deep pockets."

I kept my eyes on Celestia. "You wanna explain, or shall I give a practical demonstration?"

She bit her tongue back on some insult. Pulling her calm demeanor back on, Celestia said, "Booker is a kotodama, a demon that has control over words."

"How many times do I have to tell you?" I whined. "I'm a youkai, not a demon."

She ignored me. "As such, he can create anything he speaks of." She stared at me imperiously. "Although they are nothing more than illusions of the real thing - phantasms."

I smirked. Even telling them about my powers, it wouldn't matter. As long as they believed they were in danger, I was already one step ahead. "An illusion is just as real as reality, as long as it's believed in." I gently tossed the bomb up once. "Would you care to experience just how fake this little puppy is?"

Her hoof shifted forward. My free hand shot up, the pointer extended to waggle. "Uh uh uh," I chided with a frowny face. "That's naughty-naughty of you, Celestia." My smile began to creep up again as I heard the faint clanking of metal slowly creep up from behind me. "Your guards are being rather naughty, too. Be a dear and tell them to back up a tad?"

"Put the device down, Booker," she ordered. The clanking got closer.

"Why?" I started to toss the bomb between my hands. The clanking came to a complete stop. The sickened look on her face was priceless. "This is my insurance to make sure you accept my challenge. Would hate to see it go off by accident if someone got a bit too frisky."

"I swear to you, if you relinquish the device and allow yourself to be taken into custody, no harm will come to you. I give you my word." Celestia nervously pawed at the richly carpet of the raised dais.

I snorted. "That's a bald-faced lie. I let you take me, and I'd never see day or moonlight again." She opened her mouth to argue, but I cut her off. "Please, you left me behind, Celestia, forgot all about me. After he disappeared, I was stolen, passed about, handed down, and lost for centuries at a time."

She raised her head, mouth set into a neutral line. "For the last five hundred years, you've been a centerpiece of Star Swirl's hall, a part of his legacy. Doesn't that show my remembrance?"

"Something you had to be forced into, through emotional blackmail no less."Really grateful for that, Shimmer, you little rascal. The shocked and somewhat ashamed expression on her face drew murmurs from the remaining crowd. Whether it was from her implied callousness or my audacity to say so, I didn't know or care. "You never cared one whit for me or my well-being before, so why should I believe in this sudden change of heart?"

"Because the princess isn't some huge creep holding a bunch of ponies hostage ‘cause of some stupid grudge you probably deserved!"

I looked at Rainbow, the cyan pegasus just itching to clobber me at the first opportunity. My eyes involuntarily narrowed. Little filly, you hadn't the first clue about my 'grudge.' Not that it mattered, though. I was the bad guy, after all.

I gave a sickly sweet smile. "City hostage, actually. Should cover most of the mountainside."

Every pony in the room immediately reared back, whinnies combining into a low roar. The noise nearly drowned out the disbelieving whimper from the small, lavender mare that had backed into the protective embrace of her friends.

"Mr. Wordsworth, you wouldn't really..."

I glanced at her. "Don't worry, Sparky." Her ears unflattened, her eyes growing hopeful. My following smile could've frozen a cockatrice. "I can't speak for anyone else, but your family will be perfectly safe from harm."

That look of betrayal! I was going to have to apologize so hard after this. Curse those pony eyes!

Celestia moved to shelter Twilight with her wing and fixed me with a piercing glare. I matched it, spark for spark. "Tick tock on the clock, princess. You have..." I peered at the clock on the bomb tumbling in front of me. "...less than two minutes to accept before things go boom. You try to evacuate, things go boom. You call Luna, things go boom. Anyone else tries anything... boom."

Celestia was still. Her body language changed - her shoulders relaxed, her eyes drained of tension, the electrified atmosphere around her discharged. Trying a different tactic, were we?

"Booker," she said softly, gently. "Think about this. You wouldn't hurt anypony just to get revenge on me. You're not that kind of pony, the type to intentionally hurt others to get his way. So please, put the bomb away. Come with me, we can discuss this like a couple of civilized beings."

I was silent. My gaze locked on the floor. My arm holding the bomb wavered.

She took a step forward, her hoof clacking as it landed on the tiled floor. "Booker?"

My whole body began to shake, my emotions beginning to explode outward.

"Booker?" she repeated. Another step. "I know that you-"

I threw my head up, a gale of mad, tortured laughter originating from deep inside my gut and ripping out of my throat. Everypony except for Celestia took a step back as I continued, tears leaking out from my screwed-shut eyes. When I opened them, they were a blue inferno, even brighter than the cold fury I'd directed at Discord. Wisps of blue flame leaked from their corners.

"Know? Know?" I thundered. "What do you 'know' of me, Celestia? What did you ever know of me? You never knew me, never even tried to! To you, I was nothing more than a worthless bug who got in the way of you pursuing a crush that would never come to fruition! I was just an obstacle, an annoyance, a threat to your pride!"

"Then focus your wrath on me! Don't bring my innocent ponies into your vendetta!"

The beautiful, gracious, self-sacrificial savior, taking it all on herself like a martyr.

Sound as sincere as you like, you're still an utter fake.

I didn't know how much of the heat in my words was just my role and how much was real. "Too late for that! You took my future, my life, my hope! You destroyed my chance of going back to what I once knew and then swept away my chance to make something new!"

"It was inevitable, Booker! It never would have worked the way that you wanted!"

"How would you know?! Was it your trial, your life, your everything on the line?"

"I just knew!"

"Why? Because you're the infallible Celestia, the perfect sun goddess?"

"Yes!"

The belief, the whole-hearted arrogance of one who thought they knew better than anyone else. That they had all the answers simply because it was them. That they were just right. The needy cries of a self-cocky teen, a presumptuous brat, a child.

Even after three thousand years, you haven't changed a bit, Solana.

I sighed heavily, all of the fury bleeding out of me, leaving only an empty feeling. "This is getting tiresome. I gave you a time limit, and you wasted it on pointless pedantics and pandering. So here's the deal." I put the finger to the second hand. "You have ten seconds. Accept or not, it's all on you. Do anything else and, well..." I shrugged. "You know." I flicked the dial. "Start."

The countdown began.

While the rest of the hall fell into chaos, I focused all of my being on the alicorn shooting me a stare of mixed emotions. I smiled grimly. "Seven seconds, better hurry."

C'mon, Solana, you always believed the worst of me.

"Booker, if you-"

"Five seconds." I yawned.

How much worse could I get?

"If you even-"

"Three." I cracked my neck.

Take the bait.

"I swear-"

"One."

"Alright!"

My finger stopped the hand mid-motion. "Then we have a deal?"

Celestia scrunched up her nose in disgust before releasing her breath. "Yes, I officially accept your challenge. Now please." Her eyes were desperate and pleading. She walked up to me and leaned down. "Don't hurt my little ponies. Let go of it."

"Nah, I think I'll hold onto it." I tucked the bomb under my arm and gave it a pat. "Make sure you don't back out."

Her wings spread out, her nostrils flaring. "I gave you my word!"

"And we both know what that's worth." I scoffed and turned up my nose. "Please, I trust you as far as I can throw you." Craning my head around, I raised an eyebrow at the doughiness of her flanks. "And I'd say that would be considerably less now, after all the cakes you've scarfed down over the last few centuries. I remember you being a lot more... trim."

She blushed in faint embarrassment. Wow, maid scuttlebutt for the win. Celestia shook her mane, the flush fading. "Very well," she said in frustration. "But at least allow me to remove the citizenry so that they're not caught up."

I smiled. "Sure, sure, get them out of here. No need for them to get involved personally." I didn't have to tell her that it was pointless to try and get them to run away - the blast radius was large enough to render that plan moot. When she went to give the orders, I added, "Be sure to excuse the guards, too." I gave a simpering look at her disgruntled one. "Wouldn't want them to foolishly try to sacrifice themselves for their great leader."

As the guards ushered out the few nobles and commoners that hadn't made a break for it earlier, I got an earful from Night Light as he tried to run me down. "Damn it, I knew I shouldn't have trusted you. I should've kicked your skull in the moment I - ah!" He was jerked back as a purple glow yanked on his ear.

Velvet smiled capriciously as she gave a few more sharp pulls with her telekinesis. "Now, now, Nighty," she said softly, though her eyes belied a sharpness that even I didn't feel like crossing. "Don't interrupt Teller's attempt to overthrow our beloved ruler. It'll be such a story to tell when it's over."

"Not if I have anything to - ow!"

"Come along now. We have to tidy up the guestroom for Teller if he's not beaten to a pulp and locked away in the dungeon." Velvet waved at me as she dragged her husband out by the ear. "Bye, Teller! Have fun in your duel to the pain and shame with the princess!"

"See ya, Velvet!" I waved back. "I'll see you tonight if I don't throw all of Equestria into anarchy and/or get arrested and horribly tortured!"

She giggled as she left, an invective-spewing Night Light being dragged on his butt behind her. Little filly knew exactly what I was doing. Showed how well Celestia knew me if a pony who only knew of me through folklore and family tales could read me better than one with nearly sixty years of personal experience.

When the rest of the hall was cleared, I turned to face Celestia. I blinked. "Oh, right, you're still here."

"Course we're still here! Wouldn't do ta let a slimy snake like ya ta face offa the princess by her lonesome!"

"Yeah! We'll kick your butt in ten seconds flat!"

"It's... it's not a nice thing, what you're doing. So... so even if I'm scared, I won't let you keep being bad."

"Well said, my dear. It is a lady's job to properly discipline ruffians such as this one."

"Well, if Rarity's doing it, I guess I have no choice but to back her up!"

"Cheater! I'll have to show you the true power of the emergency stash!"

"Even if you're really are Mr. Wordsworth, I can't let you do anything to Princess Celestia. It's my duty as her number one pupil!"

Faced with such a display of defiant solidarity, there was only one thing I could do.

I shrugged. "Okay then."

I could hear the hero gear in their mental transmission grind out. Villains weren't supposed to just accept their rebellious attitude so readily. It went completely against the grain of narrative causality!

Eh, I was getting bored of playing the villain card anyway, so... meh.

"Wait... seriously?" apple pony said slowly.

"Yeah?" I said, slightly confused at their confusion. "I mean, you're the Elements of Harmony. You're national heroes. Why wouldn't you be here?" I tapped the corner of my mouth. "Though I don't know why you're so adamant about beating me. It's not like I'm trying to destroy Equestria or anything. I'm just gonna beat the batter out of Princess Cakebutt behind you."

"You'll try," Cakebutt muttered darkly.

"Didn't you just threaten all of Canterlot to coerce the princess to fight you?" said Rarity, squiggly hair still perfectly coifed even after all the fights. "And are still holding onto said threat?"

"Huh? Ah, right." I pulled the bomb up roughly, the others involuntarily flinching. "Can't really expect to have a good fight if I'm lugging this around." I scanned the mares and young drake, finding a suitable target. "Hey, you, catch!" I lobbed the bomb.

"Eek! Oh my, oh my, oh my!"

"Fluttershy!"

"Now be very, very careful," I warned. "Jostle it much more and it'll go off early, and that would ruin the surprise."

Fluttershy's eyes glistened with unshed tears as she cradled the bomb close to her chest. Her hoof on the clock face was the only thing preventing the second hand from reaching zero. With pony dexterity (or even the drake's stubby claws), there was no way they'd be able to take it from her without it activating. The butter-colored pony was the world's most lethally adorable trigger.

While the pony's friends rushed to comfort and keep her calm, Celestia trotted up to me. Her eyes' heat had reversed and had become ice cold. "You have changed," she said, a hint of regret in her icy tone. "Even you would have never sunk so low before."

I smiled bitterly and clenched my scarf. "Like I said, Celestia, three thousand years does that. My wound has festered and needs to be cleaned out." An incisor peaked out from my lips. "With fire and blood if need be."

"You truly are a demon."

"Youkai," I corrected primly. "Demons are much more stuck up." I swept my hat off in a mock bow. "Shall we begin?"

"Do I have much of a choice?"

Several more incisors popped out. "Not really."

"Then fine, let the duel begin."

[CHALLENGE ACCEPTED]
[SPELL CARD RULES ACTIVATED]
[BATTLE COMMENCING]

Both Celestia and I sprang backwards from the magical circle that spun into existence between us.

The circular rune was inscribed in Equus, English and Japanese, each language repeating the same thing. Smaller runes with the kanji for 'danmaku' and 'spell card' rotated in geometric patterns around the inside of the circle.

I raised an eyebrow. "Huh... that's new." Normally, a spell card battle just started with one side blasting the other in the face... or stabbing them... or stepping on them. You know - directly! What was with all of the theatrics? I mean, I had just put on quite the show, but I expected the actual battle to begin once we started slugging each other.

Celestia eyed the circle cautiously. "What manner of trickery is this, Booker?"

"Hey, don't look at me. I didn't cause this." I scratched the back of my neck. "I think?"

The circle flashed, new words appearing on it.

[LOADING COMBATANTS]

In front of the both of us, title cards appeared in mid-air. I glanced at mine. It was written in intricate calligraphy and looked like a 2-D hologram, the correct side facing away from me. I could still read it in reverse.

Booker
[Recently Awakened Kotodama]

A smaller title card smashed into it, slightly askew from the impact.

(PS: Has a Bit of a Chip in His Shoulder)

Oh ha ha, stone humor. I looked at Celestia's title card, wondering if hers was done in a similar fashion. I wasn't disappointed.

Celestia
[Evil Sun Tyrant]

I smirked even as she glared at and moved to punt it. A smaller one dove in as if placating her.

(Note: Neither Evil nor a Tyrant)

Her hoof stopped mid-kick, and she coughed to hide her temporary loss of temper. She turned to me. "Still insist you're not the cause of this?"

"Hey, just because you can't handle a joke doesn't mean it's my fault. It's not like I'm trying to be as rand-" I stopped and drew in my lips. "...huh."

"Booker..."

So, yeah, maybe there were a few more side-effects to absorbing copious amounts of chaos magic than I'd initially thought... or even considered at all. Hey, when you're presented with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and the alternative is an eternity of stasis and re-eventual insanity, you tend to not care about what could happen afterwards.

Though given the look Celestia was trying to incinerate me with, I had some explaining to do before she snapped and inexplicably regained control of the artifact Elements and rainbow-splattered me across the walls, floors, and ceilings.

And that's when the music started to play.

It wasn't just me hearing it, either. The others' ears swiveled to discern where it was coming from. My face went blank as I recognized the song playing -

Emotional Skyscraper ~ Cosmic Mind.

Comparing Celestia to Byakuren, basically youkai Jesus? Ok, yeah, it was definitely the chaos magic messing with me; no way was I going to accept that as this battle's theme song. Discord was going to get his friendly visits a lot more than just ‘occasionally’ when this was over. I had so many other great songs to share with him.

Besides, I would've chosen Nuclear Fusion.

Before anyone could say anything else, the runic circle spun again and flashed one more time.

[BATTLE, START!]

My hand was already shooting up, yanking my scarf off to reveal my mouth. I stuck my tongue out, the kanji for 'kotodama' shining like a beacon for all to see.

"Bang."

The world around me shattered into shards of light.

Author's Note

And the next chapter is done. Sorry for those expecting the battle; that's for next time. Originally the last chapter was supposed to include this, but I got caught up with some more world-building and Discord-torturing. It was fun... Also, I wanted to get more character development in and show just how biased Booker is against Celestia. Just how much is true and how much is just him venting? Let's see next time!

In any case, let's see what Booker will do next. The Spell Card battle is up, and things are about to get ALL kinds of wonky! Huzzah! The fun has doubled! Or something. Let's go!

Decoration Battle

I flipped through the grimoire, perusing its contents. I could definitely see why I had jumped at the chance to buy the volume, despite its high price tag and the seller's shiftiness.

Not only were the pages made of high-quality paper, with a thickness that made sure they wouldn't rip easily, the leather binding was also extremely well done. It was obvious that the book had been hand-crafted, eschewing the usual practice of gluing the pages together and instead going with the old-fashioned method of sewing the pages to each other and the covers with a thick and durable thread. The red leather covers had intricate gold and brass leafing around them in Japanese lettering, as well as various arcane symbols.

That alone would've convinced me to buy the supposed 'fanbook.' However, it was the interior that was the clincher for me. Unlike the original Grimoire of Marisa, with its various screenshots and glossy pictures of the game, this book had delicate hand-drawings of the characters, illustrated in such a way that it looked more like an actual journal written by Marisa Kirisame herself .

And for all I knew, it might actually be.

Each section had a few character sketches, along with detailed drawings of the runes associated with each spell card and their basic pattern and notes jotted down in a tight if somewhat uncultured writing style. There were numerous notes written in the margins, making it look like the author kept finding new things to elucidate about each spell and its user.

You had to give Marisa this - she might've been an unrepentant thief and all-around violent maniac, but she took her magic seriously. I'd expect nothing less from the girl that reverse-engineered spells originally created by youkai hundreds (possibly thousands) of years olds.

I turned the page, coming to the section focused on Wriggle Nightbug. Strange, this spell card wasn't supposed to be here. The author of this version was a lot more thorough than the creator of the real fanb-

I hissed and jerked my hand back, a thin bead of blood dripping from the deep cut on my thumb. When turning the page, I had sliced it along the paper and received a runner for the world's nastiest paper cut.

Sticking my thumb in my mouth, I held back the urge to cry as a couple dollops of blood fell onto the grimoire's pages. Dang it, I had just gotten the thing and I'd already ruined it!

I looked around, hoping to find something to maybe blot out the blood before it stained, but stopped in my tracks when the book started to glow. The droplets of blood condensed and rolled along the paper to the part where an illustration of one of Wriggle's spell card was. The drawing glowed red before it greedily sucked the blood in.

...well, that was unusual. I mean, it was a magic book, but I didn't think Marisa was one for blood magic. Still, this did bear further study...

I drew my thumb from my mouth. The cut was deep enough that it was still bleeding steadily. I looked at the new line of blood, the still glowing page, and back at my thumb. Slowly, cautiously, I drew my thumb across the page, smearing it.

The page sucked up the liquid like a man dying of thirst. When it was clean, the glow changed to a dark blue, and something poked its way out of the picture. It looked like a small slip of paper with some lines and various shapes crisscrossing across it.

With no small amount of trepidation and curiosity, I gently plucked the slip from the book and turned it around to look at it. At the top was an exact match for the symbol on Wriggle's spell card, and written vertically down its middle was...

I stopped. Holy crud, I had Wriggle Nightbug's spell card on me, like literally in my hands. Immediately I flipped the pages of the grimoire, finding more and more examples of the same thing, the illustration of each spell pulsing that same color and intensity.

I couldn't believe it. I had access to each and every Touhou spell card in Marisa's grimoire. This was... this was...

Oh, wow, I was feeling a bit dizzy. If I was standing, I think I might've collapsed. The knowledge that I had access to such a power was both giddy and sobering. If I had the ability to fight with danmaku, then what would it mean to fight with real-life spell cards? Some of them were insane to actually use!

This was a responsibility I was not prepared for, but it was one I had to bear with at least a modicum of dignity and respect.

The blaring of Solana from Star Swirl's parlor reached my ears. I was currently hiding in his private study, taking the time to go over what few possessions I had. Hearing her demand to see me so that she may rid Star Swirl of my corruptive force got me to thinking.

I looked at the spell card. An evil idea came to mind. I didn't know if Solana was afraid of such things, or if the spell card would actually work the way I intended, but it would be hilarious either way. I got up to my feet, the spell card loosely clutched in my hand.

Oh Solana...! I had a present for you...!

The shards of light around me coalesced into kanji for the word 'bullet' before zooming in on Celestia. She responded by taking flight and leaping over them, allowing them to continue on their warpath towards the young mares and dragon behind her. They screamed in fright and surprise, which morphed into mild awe as the bullets harmlessly dispersed on them, turning into bright sparks of light.

Well yeah, what did you expect from a game where each side threw what were literally shaped balls of light at the other? No heat, no harmful radiation, just light given form. Besides, the Rules wouldn't allow non-participants to be harmed; it would desecrate the sanctity of the duel. Spell card battles were a very cerebral and aesthetic-based type of combat, where the one who won was the one who fought more beautifully while also beating the spiritual crap of their opponent.

Emphasis on the latter. Speaking of which...

I dodged out of the way of Celestia's return volley, skimming backwards along the ground as (relatively) tiny stars scorched each spot I'd just been in. Every spell card combatant had a personal twist to the way their danmaku worked - mine were words, Celestia chucked miniature suns. Even though I knew injuries from battles weren't permanent, it still annoyed me how OP'ed her normal attacks were.

I jumped up as a large clump of danmaku came my way only to find myself facing another barrage Celestia had led me into. I barely had enough time to yelp, "Shield!" before they crashed into me, exploding on contact.

I peeked out from the rapidly disintegrating shield. Celestia was hovering in the air, danmaku swirling around her. She flung her mane over her shoulder.

"For someone who challenged me to a fight, you haven't done that well so far."

"I'm a little rusty, k?"

She scowled. "You're also facing off against someone with several centuries of fighting experience. The Discordian era and subsequent Warring Races period taught me very well when and where to strike. I have only been getting stronger since you were sealed. Do you really think you stand a chance?"

"Pony, please," I said. "You should know very well that the Rules are the greatest equalizer. Even if I'm still only level fifty and you're a hundred, in a spell card battle that gap is much smaller. You've only made me stronger."

"Then you won't see the folly of your ways and surrender peacefully?"

I barked out a laugh. "Celestia, I've been waiting too long for this. This battle ain't over ‘til one of us is black and blue all over."

"As you wish." The danmaku swirled faster and then suddenly froze, elongating as they turned into lasers beams. "Then I will put forth all my effort to defeat you. Prepare yourself."

"Allow me to show you my appreciation with a naval twenty-one gun salute!" Twenty-one 50 mm ship cannons appeared around me, the barrels glowing. Celestia's face paled at the sudden blitz. I grinned widely and threw my arm down. "Fire!"

The cannons roared in honor of the princess, unleashing a volley of 'shell' kanji danmaku. Celestia returned fire, the lasers stretching out until they were more line than cylinder.

When the two hit each other, the resulting explosion and concussive blast flung the pews aside and shattered the rest of the stained-glass windows (hey, structural collateral damage was perfectly acceptable, even expected).

But, wait... Aww... Twilight's commendation award was there... I was going to have to find a way to make up for that. I wonder if I could just commission a piece of her and leave the rest of the Elements out of the picture, or maybe just give them a corner in the picture (a small one). Food for thought.

Before the smoke even cleared, I was already flying towards Celestia, arm cocked backward. "Claymore!"

The spoken sword rebounded uselessly against the shield she'd put up. I smiled at her expression of consternation. "Don't underestimate me, Celestia. You may have years of experience on me, but that was normal combat. In a spell card battle, the rules change."

"Rules may change, but you're still weaker than me. You cannot hope to beat me."

"You silly nag." Her face darkened at the insult. "You only fought me a few times using spell card Rules. I have more than sixty years experience fighting people like this. Against a millennium's worth of life-and-death combat it may not be much, but when you're the only one consistently fighting this way, you learn a few things."

"Like what?" The confidence in her eyes only grew at my futile attempts to break through her shield with the sword.

"That danmaku can be anything." I let go of the claymore. "And there are two types of claymores. Burst."

The sword shattered into a spray of shrapnel and ball bearings you'd find in an anti-personnel mine and peppered Celestia's shield. Unable to keep up with the assault, her shield did the only thing any kind of spell that was overly used and/or damaged did in spell card battles - it broke.

Celestia cried out as the shield puffed out of being, the last few danmaku spraying her, and I took the opportunity to do what I'd been waiting to do ever since I saw her mug.

I slugged her right in the muzzle.

Celestia's head snapped back, and I grinned in victory right before it morphed into a grimace of pain. I cradled my now throbbing fist. "Oww! Oh ZUN, what is your head made of, granite? I think I broke my hand!"

Celestia looked at me out of the corner of her eye, spat out a globule of blood, and licked up the blood trail leaking out of her lips. "Enjoy that small triumph. It is the only one you will get."

"Holy hell, I think your head's gotten even harder!" I shook my hand. "Have you somehow gotten even denser since I last saw you? How many walls have you destroyed banging your skull against?"

Any veneer of nobility left her demeanor. She shrieked in fierce rage and mad annoyance. "Buck it, that's final! I'm gonna kick your plot, you monkey!"

"Bring it on, cakebutt!"

Yeah, not exactly ballad-worthy words, but by this point, we were less ancient foes duking it out and more childhood rivals rolling around in the dirt. I was surprised we didn't resort to hair-pulling and shin-kicking.

No, wait, we totally did that.

The next few minutes were a bit of a blur. I couldn't rightly explain to you how the battle went, other than we completely tore up the reception hall. Touhou was called a 'bullet hell' game for good reason - there was so much going on screen, trying to keep track of everything would drive a person insane, and that was on 'easy' mode.

Unlike normal combat, where you tried to predict your enemy's movement and retaliate in turn, danmaku battles tended to be much more short-term than that - you avoided the bullets in your immediate proximity and blasted your opponent when you weren't dodging for your life. Given that Celestia had enough firepower under her mane to level a small country, I was too busy twirling, diving, and twisting through the veritable labyrinth of danmaku she sent my way to really formulate any plan beyond figuring out the basic patterns that were inherent to every danmaku attack spell.

Of course, that didn't mean I didn't counterattack when I had the chance. Sixty years of spell card battles did give me the chance to polish my own fighting style. That style?

Create and throw everything (including the kitchen sink) at my target. I had the ability to create anything as long as I verbally described it; that meant access to every single weapon and projectile in existence. And what did I do with an ability that any arms master would kill to have?

I used legendary weapons like cheap throwing knives, and if that didn't work, their nature as danmaku bombs gave a little extra 'oomph.' Some might say I should've used my sixty years wandering the world to get some fighting skills and become some insanely powerful swordmaster, and I had learned some weapons-work - but only enough to know how to stick the pointy end into others and not myself. I had more important things to do, like 'borrow' every piece of the written word ever (ironically, that included weapon and martial-art training manuals).

You have your priorities, and I have mine.

What should have been an epic battle for the ages looked like two kids chucking snowballs at each other. Snowballs made out of pure energy and sharpened steel, granted, but the effect was still the same.

At some point, we took the battle out to the royal gardens. The reception hall, while huge, was still not big enough for either of us to fully use the extent of our abilities. In the open space, it was much easier for both of us to fight to our highest level.

It was too bad that the gardens had to suffer for it. The castle's gardeners were going to have an apoplexy from the way we were slashing and burning the beautiful flower beds and topiary.

It was after the fifth rose bush met a fiery end that we finally separated from each other and landed a dozen or so meters apart, Celestia looking down on me from the air while I hovered just above the ground. Fighting her brought back so many memories of previous fights I'd had with her before I was sealed. Even though her technique had improved, as was expected given her age, she still mainly fought in the same manner as I remembered - shove as much power into the spell as possible and chuck it. No subtlety, no skill; just raw, overwhelming power.

Luna always was the better magic user, as even though she couldn't hold a candle to her sister's god-like magical strength, her skilled touch made her so much more dangerous. It was probably why I never liked getting into fights with the moon pony - she cheated, used everything to her advantage, and preferred it that way.

With Celestia, although her danmaku attacks nearly blanketed everything and could incinerate almost anything with a slight touch, it was pretty much child's play to avoid her attacks. She was strong (so ridiculously strong), but predictable.

And danmaku battles thrived on exploiting that predictability.

As such, in my own eyes at least, I was ahead in the fight - I had yet to be hit once since that first exchange, and Celestia had been hit many times since, even if they were only glancing blows with merely a fraction of her own power.

I crossed my arms, my scarf gentling swaying in the breeze caused by the heat updrafts. "Ready to give up yet?"

She narrowed her eyes. "You have only begun to see the true breadth of my powers."

"Really? What, you holding back a trump card or something?"

She faltered. "Of course! There is no way I would be outwitted by the likes of you."

"Celestia, cakebutt, you have no idea what you're doing, do you?"

"I know exactly what I'm doing! I just haven't felt the need to unleash my real power on such an insignificant bug like yourself."

I put a hand over my face. "ZUN, it's like you're a teenager all over again."

Hadn't she become some master manipulator by the time the series began? Looking at her now, with all her emotions on her sleeve (foreleg?), the mare couldn't bluff her way out a paper bag. I think being exposed to me was slowly regressing her mental state back to when we periodically got into scuffles. I don't know, I was just getting used to how immortals thought.

However, that did give me an idea - a wonderfully, awfully, sinfully, wicked idea... I knew something about her that most ponies probably didn't... and I was gonna abuse the Tartarus out of it.

"Do you even remember how to do anything other than chuck your mini-suns at me? You're getting on in your years, I'd understand if you were getting forgetful."

"Do not even think to presume that I would forget something as simple as that!" She snorted. "Besides, if we are talking about age, it is you who are the old man."

"Sorry, years in stone don't count," I snarked. "It's in the rules on old nags who don't know how to act their age."

Her cheeks flushed with anger. "I will revel in grinding your face under my hooves."

"You'll have to catch me first." I gestured. "Though with that plot, I doubt you'd be able to keep up. Looks like that's the only part of you that's actually grown."

Her flush growing darker, Celestia's body erupted with dozens of danmaku, all aimed at me. Her enraged howl had enough volume to strip any nearby plants and flowers of their leaves and petals. "Booker! I am not the child I was when I first met you! I have grown in many ways, and you will see just how!"

She let the danmaku loose, staying in place to act as an anchor for the onslaught.

Gotcha.

I pulled a strip of paper from my shirt and held it aloft. It caught fire and turned to nothing.

A runic circle spun behind me. The image of a green-haired girl with bug antennae, poofy shorts, and a small cape faded into sight. She spread her arms and then grinned malevolently. Words appeared around the circle.

[Lamp Sign "Firefly Phenomenon"]

The circle glowed green. It suddenly expanded outward before collapsing in on itself. As it did, all of Celestia's danmaku were sucked into the circle. A wave of beads of light appeared behind the girl before crashing down on her and scattering both of them. Four smaller versions of the original circle emerged and began to revolve around the larger one. They, too, began to glow.

From out of the circles crawled fireflies, dozens of them, each shimmering a pale green. They took flight, forming concentric rings around me that moved in opposite directions. I waited to see Celestia's reaction. I knew how she acted around bugs when she younger. It was my main source of entertainment to mess with her that way.

The results were… less than satisfactory. She harrumphed. "Did you really think that those would frighten me? Like I said, I have grown, Booker. A simple childhood fear no longer has any sway over me." She eyed the bugs buzzing about. "I recognized that evocation the second you activated it, and it is useless. Your puerile attempt to catch me off guard has failed." She allowed a smirk to rise to her lips. "Is that the best you can do?"

"You never outgrow childhood emotions, Celestia. Those kind of things stay with you forever. Besides, who said it was over?"

She hesitated. "What?"

"I've grown as well, including what I can do with my abilities. What I once showed you was 'Easy Mode.'" My grin grew sadistic as the center of the circles suddenly bulged, looking fit to burst. "Welcome to Lunatic."

The main horde exploded outward. The air was choked full of flashing, glowing insects. As one, their sights alighted on the alicorn.

The sound she gave, a slight whimper of muted horror, was glorious.

The rings of fireflies rapidly expanded outward, only to be replaced by new ones periodically, while a literal geyser of danmaku bugs sprayed in her direction. Celestia gave a girly shriek of fright as the tidal wave crashed down on her. The bugs split around her, divided by the triangular shield she used as a plow.

However, she'd learned her lesson the first time, abandoning the shield before it could break and leave her vulnerable. Celestia swerved through the air, deftly avoiding the slightly-homing fireflies while also dodging around the common if thick attack patterns of the rings.

She jacked, she juked, she shot incoming danmaku out of the sky like it was a game, but in the end, there were too many for her to deal with. Already there were multiple little bruises on her from the tiny explosions the bugs made on impact. I very much doubted it would be enough to beat her (it was only a Stage 1 card, after all), but the openings the attack gave were worth it.

Celestia panted, her eyes wide, her mouth frothing a bit. It probably wasn't the exhaustion so much as it was her old fear resurfacing. When I sent another flurry of fireflies at her, her pupils somehow shrank even more and she extended her wings to their full length. Something behind her shimmered into view.

A runic circle much like mine, only burnt orange, swelled up. A morning sun rose up over the horizon, highlighted by a pair of flaming bird wings. Rays of light emitted from the circle. Like before, it sucked up the close-by danmaku.

[Morning Sign "Dawn Starling"]

Little egg-shaped suns lazily floated from out of the circle. With a cracking noise, they split open and small birds made of pure flames flew out, a musical trilling accompanying them. In their wake trailed ribbons of fire, fluttering up and down, over and across in the breeze. The ribbons didn't obey the gravity, instead moving as if by their own will. Even so, it wasn't the animated ribbons that rattled me so much as the birds' actions.

They were eating the fireflies.

It was completely nonsensical. The fire birds swooped in and gobbled the bugs up, their tail-ribbons growing longer with each bunch eaten like some beautifully demented version of ‘Snake’. How was that even possible? Both of them, the 'fireflies' and the ‘starlings’, were just magical constructs crafted to give the battle a more artistic flair. How could they-

I stopped, then sighed internally. Chaos magic. Right.

I was going to have to research what the side-effects were before I got into any more fights. But right now, I had more pressing matters to attend to - like how my spell card was currently turning into an afternoon snack for baby phoenixes.

Seeing no point in keeping the spell active when it was just buffing up Celestia's, I cancelled the card, the fireflies bursting into sparkles when it ended. Now able to move more freely, I found myself on the receiving end of the attack and quickly took to dodging.

Which wasn't exactly easy, mind you. Not only did I have to contend with the usual array of danmaku shooting at me, I also had to avoid the maze of flames the birds left behind as they divebombed me. It was clear this spell card was more of an entrapping-type than a full-on attack (weird for a magical meat-head like Celestia).

Recovering her cool, Celedtia started shouting disparaging comments at me, no doubt about my general way of life and self-focused mating habits, but I paid her no mind while I wound in and out of the minefield. I'd already learned firsthand how not to get distracted when fighting a spell card battle - as multiple injuries and several mysteriously broken keyboards and mice could attest to.

Eventually I managed to dodge the spell card long enough that it timed-out. Once again we faced off some distance apart, both a little worse for wear - Celestia with her piddling if numerous injuries, and I with multiple burns from where my clothes had brushed against the ribbons and birds. Honestly, if anything, I was still ahead, as my spirit core hadn't been hit once and I was certain Celestia's had been at least half-a-dozen times.

That was another disadvantage to the alicorn's fighting style. She was probably used to weathering attacks due to her godly stamina, but in a spell card battle, defense meant nothing. You either got hit and taken out, or you got out of the way. My natural agility and quick reaction time pretty much meant all the cards were stacked for me.

And I was loving every moment of it.

I nonchalantly raised my arms over my head, stretching briefly. "So, who's the rusty one again? You seem pretty winded there yourself."

Celestia stood there, her only movement the heaving of her chest. A thin sheen of sweat glistened on her fur. She looked at me, unfamiliar emotions flitting through her eyes. "Why are you..."

"Hmm? What was that?" I leaned forward, hand cupped to my ear. "Why are you getting your rear end handed to you?"

"Why..." She trailed off again.

"Speak up, Solana!" There was no one around, so I had no problem using her real name. "You were never known to be soft-spoken, especially when it came to denigrating me. So? What new insult do you have? Go!"

"Why are you doing this, Booker?"

My attitude dropped at the lost tone in her voice. Always the victim, never the culprit - poor, pitiful Solana.

"I thought we went over this," I said, my disgust clear. "You hurt me. I've come to collect my due."

"Then why bring anypony else into it? This is something between just you and me."

"A means to an end. Nothing more."

"You'd threaten my citizens for that?"

"Don't pretend you're innocent of using others for your own means!" I clenched my fists and ground my teeth. "You never cared if someone got hurt or embarrassed as long as you got what you wanted."

"That's not true!"

"Tell me, then, did you ever apologize to Clover for what you did, what you tried to do?"

She snapped her mouth shut, her eyes suddenly on the ground. Yeah, that's what I thought. Like a child demanding another's toy... still the same selfish brat. She never could match up to Clover, whether it be in magical research, diplomacy, or love.

"...and what of you? Do you desire me to bow to you, to beg for your forgiveness?"

"Desire? I deserve an apology after what you did to me." My hand trembled, my chest itched, my mind twitched as I remembered the sensation of being ripped into an endless amount of pieces, my mind and soul shattered beyond repair. "But desire?"

I shook my head. "I lost that desire long, long ago, Solana. Perhaps I did have it once, but… when did I stop caring after you refused to show even the smallest bit of remorse? The two hundred fifty years after my sealing? The hundred years after Star Swirl vanished? The Discordian era? The last five hundred?"

"Booker..." Those same, unfamiliar emotions on her face.

"What's wrong, Celestia?" Her new name tasted like poison on my lips. Her eyes... there was something about her eyes that deeply unnerved me. "Cat got your tongue? Or are you so pure now you can't even tell me how much you despise me?"

"I..."

"Spit it out!"

"I'm s-"

"Princess Celestia!"

I looked away from Celestia, who swallowed up whatever insult she was about to send my way, to see that Twilight and her friends had arrived at the scene. I wasn't surprised. Despite the amount of combat we'd been in, not even ten minutes had passed since the fight had begun; it should've been easy for them to catch up.

"Princess Celestia, are you alright?" Twilight was at the forefront of the pack, galloping with all her might towards us.

I put on a sad face. "Aw, Sparky, ain't you worried about me at all?"

Her head whipped between Celestia and me, taking in both of our disheveled forms. "Mr. Wordsworth-! But I-! Celestia-! I didn't, I mean, she, you, we-!" She started prancing in place, a helplessly confused and torn look on her. Oh, she was just too precious!

"Hey! Don't be tripping Twilight up now!" came the southern drawl of apple pony. I glanced at her and couldn't help but be amused at the sight. Fluttershy was strapped to the hardy earth pony's back with a length of rope, her wings locked at full-mast. Apple pony didn't take my mirth at the situation all that well by the scowl she had for me. "Princess, this varmint didn't hurt you none, did he? Cause iffn' he did..."

"He didn't hurt me at all, Applejack," Celestia said, her motherly mask firmly set back on. "There's no need to worry."

"I'll have you know I've been kicking her plot up and down the castle grounds the entire time," I interjected.

"You rapscallion!" Rarity gasped. "How dare you do so to royalty!"

"Please, it's not like I'm trying to kill her." I paused and chewed my lip. "Just make her wish I did." I gestured at the group. "Besides, it's only a little more extreme than the scuffles the farmer and jock have gotten into."

"How do you know what we get into?" Applejack squawked.

"I've been reading your mail to the princess for the last year."

"What?!"

"Mr. Wordsworth!"

"Booker!"

"What? You know how boring it is to be stuck in stone? Besides, ever since you stashed Sparky in Ponyville, I haven't seen her..." My eyes narrowed as I noticed a member of their party was missing. "Wait... where's the blue one?"

"Sister!"

Ah, tattling. Of course.

The space near the Elements distorted as a pitch-black orb with stars dotting it popped into existence. It grew, than shrank quickly to a pinprick and vanished, leaving behind two mares. One was a Rainbow Dash, who looked both very smug and very ill at the same time. The other was an alicorn slightly smaller than Celestia, her dark-blue fur and mane almost completely covered in obsidian-like armor. The air around her crackled with charged energy.

Prince Luna had come prepped for war. I felt flattered.

"Sister, art thou safe?" Her eyes slid over her multiple minor wounds and then fixated on me. In one smooth movement, she drew a silver glaive from her back and pointed it at me. "You!"

I stuck my finger in my ear as the full force of the Royal Canterlot Voice rolled over me. "Hello, Luna. You're a lot louder than I remember."

"Black-hearted fiend!" she blared again. ZUN, inside voice, little lady! "What vile deeds hast thou done to mine sister?"

Still was just as big a sis-con, though. She always did tend to go off the deep-end if Celestia was involved. I'm convinced the only reason she didn't try to gut me after my first run-in with Celestia was because she wouldn't be able to silence Star Swirl if she murdered me right in front of him.

"We're just having a little match," I said. "Besides, I don't really think it's any of your business."

"I shalt make it mine business!" The face guard on her helmet snapped shut, her legs tensing up. "En garde!" She charged.

As Luna ran towards me, glaive poised to slash me in half, I only had two thoughts in my head. One was when Luna had taken up a code of chivalry by openly facing me, because the one I remembered was more prone to slip through a shadow and stab you in the back. Y'know, ninja-like. Maybe Celestia's bullheadedness had rubbed off on her?

The second line of thought was why I was hearing her speak in really bad 'Ye Olde' English. I mean, magic translated speech for me, and I had been transported to Equestria a long time ago and the ponies then didn't speaking like Luna. So why did she sound like an extra in a school rendition of Shakespeare?

...if the answer was 'chaos magic,' I was going to scream, and a kotodama screaming does not end well for anyone.

You might be wondering why neither of those thoughts was about the half-ton of angry, armored alicorn murder bearing down on me. Well...

Not even a foot from me, Luna suddenly swerved to the right and crashed headlong into an oak tree, her momentum knocking it right over.

...that's why.

Luna kicked her way out of the foliage, opening up her helmet and spitting out some leaves and twigs. "I hath forgotten about thy magick's troublesome geas."

"Wait, why didn't the princess just kick his butt? She totally choked!"

"She didn't 'choke,' Rainbow," Twilight said tiredly. "She's under a geas."

"What's a geas?" Pinkied pronked. "Doesn't sound very fun."

"It's a magical compulsion imposed on a pony that either forces them to do something or prohibits them from doing something specific," Twilight dutifully explained. "Normally breaking it can have dire consequences, but it appears this one is all-powerful so nothing can actually overcome it."

"Okie dokie loki!"

"...you have no idea what I just said, do you?"

"Anopee artichokee!"

Twilight sighed, hoof to muzzle. "It's like a super-duper Pinkie Promise."

Over the baker's exaggerated gasp, I said, "Look, it's a safety feature of the Rules to make sure some random third-party doesn't jump in and take out either or both sides unaware."

"But we're not some 'third-party,' we're with the princess!"

Yeah, and the Rules were also there to make sure things didn't get too one-sided. It wouldn't do to equalize the playing field only to have reinforcements tip the balance. Well, there were ways to have more than one combatant on either side but neither possibility was likely to happen right now.

After all, I wasn't planning on accepting another challenger, and, well...

Putting yourself on a pedestal made it difficult for anyone else to even consider fighting on the same level alongside you. Flew too high there, didn't you, Solana?

"Can I just go back to beating Celestia up now?" I said sullenly. "I was having fun with that."

"Why you no good, low-down..." Applejack tried to move forward but was held back by an armored foreleg. "Princess Luna?"

"Nay, Honesty," the dark-blue alicorn said. "Do not trouble thyself any further. Tis a futile endeavor. Booker's magicks shant allow any intruders." Applejack made to say something, but she continued. "However, simply because thou art not at her side in pony doth not mean thou can't be in spirit."

Luna turned to Celestia. "Sister." She nodded firmly. "Strike him down with the force of a thousand suns. We... We believe in thee."

Her words broke the floodgates for the others. Soon they were showering Celestia with cheers and positive phrases like a Hallmark commercial. At one point Twilight looked like she was going to say something to me, but she bowed her head and just encouraged Celestia harder.

Well, that was sweet. It hurt that Twilight didn't even try to cheer me on, but what did I expect with her hero worship of Celestia? Still, it did prove that the Elements and co. really were just a bunch of good kids, if a bit sappy. Even so, it wasn't like a few heartfelt words of encouragement would really turn the tide, ri-

I didn't finish that sentence! It doesn't count!

[Light Sign "Temple of Harmony"]

Ponyfeathers.

Multiple rings of light appeared behind Celestia, illuminating her in their radiant glow and giving her a heavenly aurora like she was a bloody bodhisattva. At equidistant points around the outermost ring, six orbs appeared, each a different color - red, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. The ring slowly rotated along its x-axis until it was parallel to the ground and began to spin. After several rotations, each one faster than the last, the ring fractured and sent the orbs flying in different directions.

I cautiously observed the green orb closest to me that was hovering a dozen or so feet up, ready to run if something happened. Barely a second passed before I had to throw myself out of the way as the orb flashed and released a brilliant green pillar of light at the ground. The impact site exploded like a fragmentation grenade, propelling danmaku of the same color every which way.

As I vaulted through the few, small gaps in the attack, I noted similar light pillars and explosions coming from the other orbs. The orbs started to move in a circular pattern around the area, the meter-wide lasers following while randomly turning on and off.

"Oh, come on! You're ripping off Shou now?!"

"I don't know who that pony is!"

I dove through a narrow opening in the pattern, barely grazing the blue laser. I supposed I should've been grateful that her spell card wasn't a total knock-off of Shou's. I don't think I could've dealt with Celestia having curving lasers.

Regardless of the absence of cheating tigers, the spell card was nevertheless a heck of a doozy. Unlike the previous one, Celestia's new spell had a much denser pattern with fewer avenues of escape. I didn't think my skills were back up enough to snuff so soon after my unsealing to be able to dodge long enough for a time-out.

Which meant I had to use another spell card to cancel hers out. Only problem was, this battle's Rules only allowed for three on either side (the amount I'd managed to create in the past three days). Consequently, Celestia's last spell card would no doubt be her strongest if the usual pattern persisted. So I'd want to keep my ace in the hole ready to counter it, which only left...

Huh, never thought I'd test out my new, original spell card so soon. Well, they do say fortune favors the bold, so... good luck me!

I drew a blank slip of paper and pushed it between my lips, making sure it was firmly in contact with my tongue and the tattoo on its tip. I flipped backwards from a danmaku spray and began.

["She woke up to a bright morning that day."]

I rolled past two crisscrossing danmaku strings.

["For her, it was a boring, mundane morning like any other she'd woken up to before."]

I twisted to the right to avoid the incoming red laser and while also shooting up at an angle to keep ahead of the inevitable danmaku explosion only to have to dodge the stream of bullets Celestia'd aimed at me.

["She'd go outside, greet her family and friends with a smile, and face the challenge of a brand new day with a joyous heart and spring in her step."]

I chanced a glance at Celestia and was pleased to see that all her attention was on me. I quickly paid for the short lapse when several danmaku that should've been in my peripheral vision and therefore evadable hit me in the side. I winced at the burns but pushed my way through the pain.

["But what she didn't know was that that particular day was different."]

Knocked off balance, more danmaku hit me, one managing to strike my spiritual core. Phantom ice raced through my veins.

["A difference that would change her life forever."]

I smacked the ground, tumbled, and sprang up, my teeth almost tearing through the paper.

["For on that day, when the sun was high above in the sky, she would have a fateful encounter..."]

A new circle appeared behind Celestia. With her eyes on me, she didn't even notice. Not true for the others.

"Sister!"

"Princess!"

Too late.

["With the 4:30 eastbound express to downtown!"]

[Power Word "Creation Story"]

There was the shrill cry of a steam whistle, and then a ten-car locomotive emerged from the circle and slammed into Celestia. Several hundred tons of steel and reinforced lumber drove the alicorn into the ground, creating a furrow in the garden tens of meters long. The runaway freight train knocked aside or simply ran over bushes, trees, marble busts, and a fountain with a peeing pony cherub (or it might've just been a really chubby pegasus, I didn't know).

Since she’d taken a direct hit, Celestia's spell card broke. The danmaku mere inches from pummeling me vanished into a collection of sparkles.

I breathed a sigh of a relief as I picked myself off the ground. I looked at where I assumed Celestia was, buried underneath the train engine. It whistled weakly, the wheels still spinning slowly as steam poured out from its hydraulics. Good thing injuries sustained during spell card battles were greatly lessened after they were over; she still was gonna feel it in the morning, though.

Considering I hadn't been declared the winner yet, I knew Celestia was still in the fight, but at least I now had another breather. That was the thing about danmaku battles in general - they didn't last long, but boy were they exhausting.

I waved at the shell-shocked audience. "How's about that? Force of a thousand suns, my right buttock!"

"Mr. Wordsworth!" Twilight cried out. "What have you done? You squished Princess Celestia!"

"Sister! Art thou whole?!" Luna shouted. She tried to levitate the piled-up train off of Celestia but failed because it would count as interference. "You knave!" she directed at me. "Remove thy automaton from mine sister's bulk at once!"

"Ah, you're blowing it out of proportions," I waved off. "She's taken worse hits before."

There was a series of pained gurgles from underneath the still-chugging engine.

"See? She's fine!"

"Mr. Wordsworth!" I flinched at the steel in Twilight's voice. She marched up to and jabbed a foreleg at me. "You will stop being such a bad Mr. Wordsworth this instant and stop fighting the princess! This madness must end!"

I was so tempted to just give in, you had no idea. There was just something about the adorable combination of commanding frown and childish pout on her that I wanted to just break down and squeeze her. But I stayed strong! I wasn't going to obey my godchild just because she demanded it.

It was going to take a lot more cuddle-bribes than that.

"Sparky, it's fine. This is how we've always acted towards each other."

"But it's illogical! And stupid! And, and... and insane!"

"Would it make you feel better if I told you that during our first encounter I broke a staff over her head and she tossed me through a wall?"

"No!"

"...what about the time we nearly destroyed the Everfree?"

"Mr. Wordsworth!" She fruitlessly slapped at me with her hooves, her whining tone and 'assault' seriously starting to erode my resolve.

"That. Is. Enough!"

I turned around just in time to see the front-half of the train be incinerated by a gout of flame, the rest of the undamaged cars bursting into danmaku and fading away. Celestia stood where the engine had once been, surrounded by blue flames, her mane and tail a blazing nimbus. The ground around her blackened and charred, and things in her general proximity started to catch fire. The Elements eeped as a bush trimmed to look like a unicorn on its hind legs next to them burst into flames, but they were completely untouched. The Rules on 'no interference' worked both ways, after all.

"Hey, Celestia, so ya finally got-"

Anything else I might've said was cut short as Celestia moved so quickly she might as well teleported and tackled me right in my center mass. This time I was the one to do some amateur landscaping as she plowed the ground with me. We eventually came to a halt a few meters back, my now smoking form flambéed to a light crisp.

Ow, my spirit core. I think that one brute-force attack dealt as much damage to me as anything I'd hit her with the entire battle. Why'd she have to be so stupid strong? Getting out of shape, my left buttock. Some certain gossipy maids were going to find some mysterious deductions in their next few paychecks.

I coughed, a puff of smoke coming out. "Fi-finally taking this... seriously?"

She stomped lightly on my shoulder. I held back a yelp. She grimaced. "Is this a game to you, Booker?"

"All of life is a game. The only difference is whether you accept you're a player or not."

"I see that you cannot be reasoned with. Very well, if you will only treat this as a game, then I will win it." Danmaku manifested around her, surrounding me completely. She leaned down, her eyes level with mine. "Have you any last words?"

"Funny you should say that..."

And that's when my grimoire jumped from off my chest and clobbered her right in the chin. Her head snapped back, and her hooves temporarily left my chest and shoulder. I took the brief window of opportunity to activate my escape skill, my vision once again morphing into a kaleidoscope as I slipped through the danmaku field.

Reforming in the air, I gazed down as Celestia rubbed at the rawness under her chin. She snorted. "I had wondered where that book of yours was."

"Never leave home without it," I grinned.

My grimoire danced merrily at the end of the cord I had looped around my neck. It was in a more compact form, now barely larger than the palm of my hand. I fingered the fine silver filigree of the metal holster it fit snugly into. Velvet was such a sweetheart buying it for me, saying it had to be trouble lugging it around in its true form. Really had to pay her back (and spoil her even more, of course).

"Besides," I said, new danmaku forming around me. "You really think I'd hobble myself if I was planning on fighting you?"

"I was hoping you'd show your classic lack of foresight, yes. I'd expect nothing less from the being that made himself an entire race's number one foe back then."

"You try to steal from one dragon..." Granted, it was a queen, but still! I scratched my head and huffed through my nose. "Still, I'm disappointed. Even when you say you will, you don't play to win. Tell me, am I still not that big of a threat to you?"

"You wanted a battle, and I gave it to you. How I perform was not part of the deal."

Wow, she was really taking me lightly. I had to remedy that. It wouldn't do to have the pony that was supposed to be on the ropes start calling all the shots, now would it? The fact that the battle song was on its fourth repetition (and was not supposed to loop this long) had nothing to do with it. "And the bomb? Not too worried about that?"

She scoffed, somehow managing to fling her flaming mane of her withers. "All I have to do is defeat you, correct? Once you are knocked out, the device should dissipate just like all of your other phantasms."

"You think you can beat me so easily?"

She narrowed her eyes and gestured at me. My clothes had nearly burned all the way off, the chest area of my shirt missing entirely and leaving only the collar, back, and sleeves. Parts of my flesh were blackened with severe burns, and I was pretty sure my eyebrows had been seared off. All in all, I was a sorry sight to see.

Did I mention that it hurt like the Dickens? ‘Cause it did; it really, really did.

"You can barely stand, and I'm certain that last attack severely damaged you to the point that you are a hair's breadth away from losing. Defeating you now will be foal's play."

I grinned, my teeth clearly showing, the only thing about me not damaged in anyway. I licked them, traces of blood from my nipped tongue smearing across them. "Can you do that in the next five minutes?"

"What?"

"You silly cow, don't you see? The countdown never ended." I made a flourish towards the Elements. "Give me five more minutes on the clock!"

There was a small beep, barely heard, and yet it ripped through the air like a gunshot.

Celestia whipped her head over. "Twilight!"

"Princess, another timer showed up! There's no dial on this one! It's just numbers counting down!"

As she looked back at me, I bowed slightly. "Sorry, no easy way of stopping that one." I raised a finger. "Also, don't think the Rules will stop it; it was originally an outside device, after all."

"Booker, I swear I'll...!"

"Come one, Celestia! Get angry! Get righteous!" I laughed harshly as I flew up through the air, twisting like a corkscrew. Celestia followed after me. I summoned a line of swords and chucked them at her. She batted them aside like they were nothing, the weapons shattering into danmaku and pelting her.

She took no notice of it, returning a volley of her own that didn't come close to hitting me. She was just shooting wildly now.

My grin grew deeper, and I increased my speed. "Smite the villain right in front of you! Otherwise things will end rather badly for everyone!"

"Booker...!" She didn't even bother ordering me to stop, her wrath coalescing into a physical form as her main and tail began to give off a shining corona.

The air around her wavered from the heat she emitted. Another wave of weapons, hammers this time, flew at her, but they didn't so much break as simply melt from the intense heat she now projected.

I dived at the ground and pulled up at the last second as she got closer and closer. She just smashed the ground with a force that cracked the earth and glassed everything in a meter radius before taking off after me again.

"Let's go, ruler of the sun! You're only wasting time playing this game of cat-and-mouse! You'll have to do better than that!"

Celestia gave an incoherent roar of celestial fury.

[Sun Sign "Heavenly Revolution"]

The corona around Celestia boosted, creating a massive aura that that bathed everything in blinding light. Everything, no matter how small or thin, suddenly had its own extremely fine and detailed shadow. I had to force myself to look out of the corners of my eyes, lest I lose my vision completely.

The brightness faded until it was merely painful to look at rather than cornea-melting. As my eyes adjusted, my mouth opened of its own volition. Celestia was rooted in place, steam cascading off her in thick drifts. Her eyes had been completely taken over by a blazing pink with no distinction between sclera, iris, or pupil. She looked like a vengeful goddess ready to unleash an unholy beatdown on the forsaken heretic who had unwisely blasphemed against her.

To assist her in this most sacred of curbstomps, ten danmaku the size of Volkswagens revolved around her like electrons around a nucleus. Even from a distance, the heat they radiated singed the small hairs on my limbs.

"Have you anything to say before I burn away you and your sins?" Celestia boomed, an unearthly reverberation to her voice.

Faced with such an overwhelming display of power, there was only one thing I could say.

"Utsuho copy-cat! You totally stole that from 'Ten Evil Stars!'"

Thus having accepted my final word and testament, the danmaku unloaded their payloads in all directions, turning the sky and earth into a veritable Hell of Burning Fires.

I didn't even try to make any snappy remarks as I frantically dodged the never-ending danmaku rampage. It would just be breath and attention wasted. Better to use my energy to avoid being immolated by the sky-blotting attack. Even trying to summon shields and other barriers amounted to pretty much nothing as the spell-card ripped through them like tissue paper. Soon I didn't bother opening my mouth at all.

It wasn't just the ridiculous host of danmaku in the field - the mini-suns orbiting Celestia offered a fresh, new difficulty to this bullet hell. As they revolved around her, their ellipticals would seemingly change at random - growing wider or narrower at a moment's notice, or instantly swerving on their axises to move on a different curve, each change forcing me to abort one path to choose another only to immediately have to try something else!

If that wasn't enough, every time two hit each other (and with their constantly changing orbits, it was way too often), an extra large danmaku burst would explode, covering the sky in burning embers. By that point, it had ceased to be fun and was well on its way into 'keyboard breaking' territory. This was Phantasm-Stage levels of ‘taurshit here!

Which meant that I had no choice but to use my trump card. I had been hoping to use it as a way to rub Celestia's nose in her own alicorn pie, but preventing myself from getting beaten to a fine and charred paste worked just as well.

Plus, if the chaos magic was doing freaky things to the spell card battles, this was actually the perfect card to use on such an attack.

My spell card disintegrated even as I pulled it out. My aura seeped outward with a purplish glow. Behind me, another young woman appeared. She was a raven-haired-and-winged beauty, a hexagonal rod replacing her right forearm and hand and a block of cement encasing her right foot and ankle. In the center of her chest, emerging from her green dress, was a crimson gem larger than two fists put together and with a slit-like pupil in the middle.

The girl raised her rod-arm above her head, as if calling something. Small danmaku popped up around her. The gem flashed, the 'pupil' growing and then shrinking to a fine line. Then... it winked. The danmaku rushed up to a point just above her arm.

["Subterranean Sun"]

I looked above to see the ultimate spell card of a Stage 6 boss. I blanched. The 'sun' was barely the size of a soccer ball. Oh ZUN, had I left it on Easy Mode?!

As if sensing my weakness, Celestia's danmaku shot at me from all sides. Without being able to move, there was no way to avoid this many, and I wouldn't have enough time to cancel and dodge anyway. I didn't bother to close my eyes, choosing instead to face my defeat like a man.

Damn it, this blew a big one.

To my surprise, however, I was not beaten to a slushy and slaggy pulp by millions of fiery danmaku. The instant they got within a couple feet of me, they all curved sharply to be sucked into the miniature sun.

I looked around me. Every danmaku in the vicinity was swirling into the spell card sun. Obviously it was exerting some kind of immense gravitational pull, though I wasn't experiencing it. The weight of the thing, barely a feather up until now, easily multiplied tenfold. I glanced up at it - it had now reached the size of a medicine ball and was still absorbing the incoming danmaku without end.

My eyes slid over to Celestia. She had begun to flap her wings as if to back-pedal, the pull of my spell card affecting her as well. Bits and pieces of her revolving danmaku were breaking off and getting vacuumed into the one over me. Slowly but surely, new danmaku appeared all around us, each swirling around me like they were caught in a whirlpool before reaching the center and disappearing to feed the core.

The core sun danmaku swelled in size again, this time growing as large as one of those novelty beach balls. I could actually begin to feel the thing weighing down on me. The danmaku circling me grew thicker and faster, and Celestia had to flap her wings harder to stay in place while also evading the usual stream of danmaku that cycled around the sun like a pinwheel.

Something shot up from below me. I looked down to see pieces of debris and broken foliage from the fight lifting off the ground and floating into the sun. The star-blasted thing actually did have its own gravity well - it was sucking up anything that wasn't nailed down! I quickly extended my perception to see if Twilight was okay.

No worries - the Rules were excluding her and the others from being effected by the gravitational pull.

The sun danmaku grew again. This time it was as big as an SUV. Everything began to swirl faster. I could feel a warmth I didn't notice before from above me.

It had grown. Again. Now it was the size of a small tool shed. The temperature leaped up ten degrees. Celestia's wings moved so fast and strongly that I could actually feel the gusts coming from their flaps. The look in her eyes, even through the pink glint, showed she was scared. She should’ve been.

"Booker, you've made your point!" Celestia threw her head back, sweat glistening on her neck and flanks before it dripped off and flew into the danmaku. "Will you stop that thing already?"

"What's wrong?" I said with bravado. "Feeling inferior cause I can make a better sun than you?"

And it grew yet again. Now it was the size of a garage. The temperature jumped higher still. My shoulders actually began to buckle from the weight. Actually, maybe I should be scared now. This wasn't turning out the way I thought it would, and the thing was still absorbing her danmaku like a starving pony at an all-you-can-eat salad bar!

"That's not it! If you keep letting it grow, it will-"

"C'mon, Celestia! Don't chicken out on me now!"

Now it was as large as a small house. I could feel the back of my neck blistering from the heat, and my knees bent as the weight pushed me down. Hey, hey! You can stop now, card! I think you made my point already!

Celestia finally canceled her own spell card, her mane and tail turning back to their multicolored shine and her eyes losing their glow. Her danmaku disappeared, but instead of fading away like usual, the residual energy was sucked into the ever-growing sun. "Booker! Stop!"

I chuckled humorlessly. "Uhhh... not quite sure I can." Well, I could, but then I'd leave myself open to her counterattack and no way was I going to let that happen. Though maybe if my spell card could slow down, just a bit-?

The size of a large house. This wasn't going to stop anytime soon, was it? Not unless the thing grew too fast for its aether matrix to sustain and it destabilized into-

I could feel the thing wobble as the cascade-failure took place. Aw, horseapples.

With a deafening boom, the danmaku exploded, expunging smoke and randomly-sized danmaku everywhere. At ground zero, I was knocked away from sheer air pressure but was pretty much none the worse for wear other than painfully popped eardrums and feeling like I'd just been sacked by the entire Wonderlands hoofball team. Celestia, however, was knocked clear out of the sky, impacting the ground and coughing from all the smoke she'd inhaled.

Not one to lose an opportunity laid out at my feet, I spread my arms out in the still-thick cloud of smoke all over the area. "Hey, Celestia!" I shouted over the sound of crackling wood and muted thuds. "You know how I'm going to celebrate the glorious occasion of me handing you your rear end?"

Just as the smoke cleared, I caught Celestia looking up in my direction and ready to shoot me down. It was too late.

"A twenty-tier round cake with lots of cream!"

A shadow popped up around Celestia. She looked straight up only to have her pupils widen in awe. She mouthed, "It's beautiful."

Three hundred and fifty pounds of baked goodness plummeted onto her. The fifty-inch wide and nearly three meter tall confection split open, and cake and icing splattered all over the grounds, completely bathing everything. Twilight and the others disappeared underneath the cake tsunami, only to resurface a few seconds later a lot stickier. Even I got a little on me floating up high above, bits of frosting flecking my pants, shirt, and face.

Eventually Celestia breached the impact zone, spitting out globs of dessert. "It tastes like soggy newspapers..." she moaned.

"Yeah, funny thing about ‘cake’." I scratched the back of my head. "That's not actually a flavor. You have vanilla cake, chocolate cake, red velvet cake, but not 'cake' cake. So, Celestia..." I leaned down, my smile brutal. "How does it taste, knowing the very nature of cake is a lie? "

I could actually see the tears well up in her eyes. "You've become a monster."

"You made me this way."

Interrupting that pointless if hilarious bit of melodrama, Twilight shouted, "Princess! There's no time left!"

Celestia looked at me - pleadingly, imploringly. "Please, Booker." Her head bowed, ever so slightly. "Please don't do this. Please surrender. Please don't hurt my little ponies."

"Aw, Celestia, where's the fire in your heart?"

She shook her head. "That doesn't matter. All that does is that my citizens are not harmed. Please, Booker, find it in whatever heart you have left to give up this grudge of yours. I beg of you."

I tilted my head and tapped a finger to my mouth. "Okay."

[BATTLE CONCLUDED]
[WINNER: CELESTIA]

Celestia's mouth hung open at my unexpected surrender as the battle music came to a sudden stop (thank ZUN) somewhere near the end of its fifth repetition. My mouth grew toothy again. "And now, to commemorate your victory against the dreaded youkai scourge..." I snapped my fingers. "Burst."

Fluttershy squeaked as the bomb in her legs suddenly glowed brightly before it contracted into a ball of light and rocketed up into the sky. Once it was high up enough for the entire city to be able to see it, it exploded into a variety of shapes formed out of danmaku, from the normal geometric shapes to caricatures of the Elements to a crude drawing of me kicking Celestia right in the plot.

As the flashy light show continued, the others looked between me and the supposedly deadly attack I'd promised. I let out a smirk, but grabbed my scarf to cover it.

"What?" I said innocently. "I said it was fireworks."

Author's Note

The end of another chapter, and the first of a battle one! Hope you guys enjoyed this. It took me a while to get down the choreography, specially as it would get tedious real fast to try and describe playing a stage in Touhou. Also, longest chapter yet! The next chapter should be a nice breather, and then on to more shenanigans! See ya next time!