The 20 Percent Solution
by Loganberry
"Pinkie Pie!" snapped Rainbow Dash as the other pony's cheerful face burst through the cloud. "No, I do not want those apples you're waving at me. I've spent the whole morning in a load of weather strategy meetings in Cloudsdale and I'm pretty tired. Now will you please let me have my nap in peace?"
"Okie dokie lokie, crossy crossbucket," replied Pinkie, bouncing up and down on what for an earth pony should have been thin air, "but I wasn't going to give you any apples. These are just to keep me nice and balanced." (She quickly crunched one into oblivion.) "I just wanted to know whether you wanted to help me test out my new energy drink, Rainbow Dash. In fact, I made it with you in mind!
"What does it do?" asked Rainbow dutifully.
"Well, duh! The clue is in the name, Dashie – it gives you even more energy than a huge enormous cupcake stuffed inside another cupcake with a gigantic cupcake on the top – and that's a whole lot of energy!"
Despite herself, Rainbow felt a twinge of interest at this. If there was one pony who could rival her in the energy department, it was Pinkie.
"Oh? That could actually be kinda cool. And–"
She broke off, a look of annoyance on her face.
"Aaand?" asked Pinkie Pie, leaning in.
"Will you please stop all that bouncing? You're giving me a headache. Hang on; I'll come down."
"Oh, nononononono," said Pinkie, shaking her head so vigorously that Rainbow felt even more queasy as she watched. "I can't tell you about it down there."
Rainbow sighed. "Why not? Is it some sort of mysterious magical potion that can only be drunk in mid-air?"
"No, silly!" came back Pinkie, still bouncing. "If it had to be drunk in mid-air it would be for pegasi, but if it were a magical brew it would be for unicorns, and unicorns couldn't fly up to mid-air anyway! Well, if they were magic magic unicorns they could, and the Princess could obviously, but not ordinary magic unicorns like Twilight and Rarity. Though they're not really ordinary magic unicorns, 'cause they're our friends, and that makes them extra-special ordinary magic unicorns! Of course, I can't fly up to mid-air either, which is why I'm using this cloud-hopper, and isn't it great? It's one of my–"
"PINKIE!"
The curly-maned pony finally stopped chattering, and all was silence, apart from the squeaky bounces of her cloud-hopper.
"All right, Pinkie," said Rainbow Dash with a certain amount of resignation. "Let's hear it."
"I call it my Super-Duper Secret Soda Surprise. You have to promise not to tell a single solitary soul about this. Well, I suppose it would be all right to tell me, but then I'd have to promise not to tell a single solitary soul too, except you of course! I couldn't even tell me!" She giggled. "So... maybe we could promise together? Pinkie Promise?"
Rainbow sighed again. "Cross my heart and hope to flmmph!"
Pinkie had shoved her hoof over the pegasus's mouth.
"You can't promise like that, Dashie. You already do fly! You have to say 'fall from sky'. Okay? Okaaay?"
She eyeballed Rainbow, with a stern expression on her face. The sky-blue pony rolled her eyes.
"Right. Fine. Whatever. Cross my heart and fall from sky, stick a cupcake in my eye. Are you happy now?"
Having finished her own promise, Pinkie beamed. "Abso-lute-ly! And now I can let you try the drink."
"Where is it? I don't see a drink."
"It's tucked away nice and safe in my house, silly. Now you've Pinkie Promised, I can let you see it down there. The Cakes are away in Fillydelphia for a few days, so I have the place all to myself. Why would I bring my Super-Duper Secret Soda Surprise up here and risk having it stolen by wyverns?"
"Wyverns."
Pinkie Pie made a spooky face. "Wyvernsss!" she hissed.
"Pinkie, wyverns don't exist."
"Oh, I know that! Everypony knows that! But if any of them are listening to us up here, they won't know it. Or maybe they will. Isn't it exciting? And I know you're listening, but you're not a wyvern, are you? Are you? Are you?"
Despite her ever-growing headache, the pegasus thumped her forehead against the cloud. Sometimes you just had to.
* * *
Down at ground level, Rainbow Dash glided along beside Pinkie Pie with increasing irritation. "Beside" wasn't really an adequate word to use since, at the slightest sign of another pony, Pinkie would disappear behind, under – or, in one or two cases, inside – the nearest crate, bucket or plant. Rainbow thought she looked far more conspicuous like that than if she'd just carried on trotting towards her house, but she had to admit that it did seem to be working.
Eventually, somepony did spot her: Twilight Sparkle, who had her nose in a book as usual and so was too absorbed to notice that she wasn't supposed to see her pink friend. She blinked, looking up from Pathogenesis of Osmophilic Micro-organisms just in time to avoid an accident.
"Er... Pinkie Pie," she said eventually. "What are you doing in there?"
"Ssshh!" answered the pond, in a rather bubbly voice. "I'm hiding from the wyverns."
Twilight laughed. "Don't be silly, Pinkie. Wyverns are just an old mares' tale – they're simply ordinary dragons seen on distant horizons when the light is altered because atmospheric conditions are unusual. Actually, Star Swirl the Bearded wrote a very interesting book about the intrinsic and apparent properties of light, and I'd be happy to lend it to you if you'd like to read it. That is... when you've dried off a little."
Pinkie leapt out of the pond, rising several feet into the air as she did so. She hung in the air for a moment before gravity noticed and called in its favours. By the time she landed, she was already bone dry, and her mane was just as full of bounce as if she hadn't been anywhere near the water. Twilight looked surprised for just a second before remembering that Pinkie was, well, Pinkie.
"Hey, Twilight," said Pinkie Pie brightly, "how would you like to try out my new energy drink as well? I made it for Rainbow Dash, so it might be a teeny tiny bit strong for you, but you must be pretty tired after all that studying. What you need is something to cheer you up!"
"Oh, I'm not unhap–" began Twilight, but Pinkie wasn't listening and Rainbow Dash seemed still to be in a bit of a huff, so she sighed and tagged along behind the other two ponies as they made their way to Sugarcube Corner.
On the way, they came across a clearly amused Applejack. She had Spike with her, although the little dragon seemed somewhat agitated. Rainbow asked him what the matter was, but he appeared too preoccupied to answer, so she turned to Applejack.
The farm pony chuckled. "Loverboy here tells me that Rarity will be coming right along this street in just a few minutes' time."
"What for?" asked Rainbow.
Applejack's grin widened. "I have absolutely no clue about that – but that doesn't matter to some guys, now, does it?"
Spike began to blush, recovered himself almost at once, and quickly went through several expressions before settling on a rather unconvincing scowl. This deepened when Pinkie reacted simply by giggling uncontrollably, but eventually he condescended to open his mouth.
"If you must know," he said in a somewhat tortured attempt at an unfeasibly posh voice, "I am waiting here so that I can assist a lady. You know, someone who has a bit of style about her."
Spike's attempt at suavity might have been more convincing, accent notwithstanding, had Rarity not come into view at that moment, and had the dragon not then doffed what Pinkie Pie had already dubbed his "over-the-top hat". It was of fairly conventional shape, but almost as tall as Spike himself and studded all over with tiny, twinkling gems. In truth, it looked more like the remains of his breakfast than the last word in sartorial elegance.
"Well, how absolutely charming," said Rarity, placing a stack of large, white boxes on the driest patch of ground she could find. "You are quite the gentleman, Mr Spike. And what a fine figure of a top hat; it really is most fetching. Shall we go?"
"Did you hear that? She called me Mister Spike! Er... that is... yes, of course, madame." Another short pause, and then his normal accent. "Um... where are we going? Though," he added as he returned once more to his almost-posh voice, "I should consider it a signal honour to accompany you wherever you so wish to roam, and to act as your chaperon thereby."
Now it was Twilight's turn to giggle. "Chaperon? Oh, Spike..."
Pinkie Pie cut in. "Say, you two! I have a fantastic idea! Why don't you two come with us? Then Spike can chaperon Rarity, and Rarity can norepahc Spike!"
"Er," said Rarity, looking apprehensive, "I do have a very large order to fulfill, and I really am going to be stretched as it is. But what is it you want to show us, Pinkie Pie?"
"It's a new drink she's come up with, and it sounds awesome!" enthused Rainbow Dash, the last word coming at full volume.
"Um, Rainbow?" said Twilight. "That was supposed to be a secret."
"Oh, yeah. Heh. Whoopsie!"
Pinkie herself seemed entirely unconcerned by Rainbow Dash's little outburst, which was more than could be said of Rarity. If she had appeared a little unsure before, she was now positively shrinking from the others.
"I must say, a beverage like that doesn't sound terribly cultured, Pinkie Pie. It really isn't my kind of thing at all. I'm sorry, but kind as your offer is, I shall most regretfully have to decline. Er... I'm running late today as it is. Come along, Mr Spike. We have a great deal to do. If you wouldn't mind, there's a dear..." She indicated the large boxes.
The baby dragon himself was just a little reluctant to follow Rarity – though the over-the-top hat obscured his face sufficiently, when seen from pony eye level, that no-one actually noticed. Spike had been rather looking forward to trying out Pinkie's new concoction, as he had been searching for something to give his body that extra little bit of tone he felt it needed.
But, he reasoned silently to himself, Miss Rarity does raise the tone wherever she goes. He gave the tiniest of sighs, and padded after her, swaying a little now under the weight of the unicorn's luggage.
* * *
"What's this stuff made of, anyhow?" asked Applejack as Pinkie Pie led the four others into the sparkling kitchen at Sugarcube Corner. They'd picked up Fluttershy on their way; she had been quite enthusiastic about tagging along as Angel had been in one of his less co-operative moods.
"Apples!" replied the other earth pony at once. "Well... mostly apples."
"Mostly?" queried Applejack. "Why in tarnation would you want to add anything to apples? Finest food in all of Equestria, even if I do say so myself. Which I do," she added with a laugh.
"Your apples really are lovely," put in Fluttershy, "but Pinkie Pie does think up some delicious treats. She made a wonderful salad for Angel a few days ago, and he really loved it. In fact, he only kicked the bowl out of the window once when I served it to him. It was so nice of you to let me come, Pinkie Pie."
"That's right!" said Pinkie, ignoring the conversation. "It's three parts apple juice to one part cherry juice, all mixed up and ready to par-tay!"
"That's it?" complained Rainbow Dash, her former enthusiasm rapidly evaporating. "Just fruit juice and... fruit juice? I've been dragged all this way for that, when I could have been napping all afternoon? Pinkie..."
"Oh no; there's the secret ingredient in there as well, but I don't know whether it's safe to tell you about that right now."
"Not wyverns again?" groaned Twilight.
"What did you say?" asked Applejack.
"Pinkie Pie thinks there are wyverns around who want to steal her secret recipe because... actually, Pinkie, why do you think they want to steal it?"
"They don't, of course! Wyverns don't exist, you crazypants!"
Twilight took several deep breaths. It didn't help all that much. Pinkie Pie didn't notice, as she had disappeared behind the large screen that had been rather theatrically erected across the centre of the room. Various sounds of pouring and stirring could be heard, punctuated by the occasional gigantic explosion. When this had ceased, Pinkie herself was absolutely silent for a few seconds, which was by way of being a calendar event.
Rainbow Dash made very sure of getting the first glass. "Pinkie made this drink for me," she said firmly, "and I'm not having this one running out before I can get any."
She swigged the bubbling draught in one gulp, licked her lips and twitched her wings slightly. Then she flew up to almost ceiling height and whistled appreciatively.
"Hey... this stuff is good, Pinkie Pie! I can feel it giving me a boost inside already. You can really taste the apples and cherries, but it's gotta be that extra ingredient that makes it completely awesome. If we'd had this at Flight School, I'd have kicked those chumps' rumps so hard they'd still be flying now!"
Twilight opened her mouth to point out to Rainbow that flying was what Flight School was in fact all about, but thought better of it and shut it again without a word. When her friend was like this, it was sometimes best just to let her burn herself out.
Applejack had the next glass, but didn't seem particularly impressed, and stopped after just one small mouthful.
"I know you've worked real hard on this and all, Pinkie," she began, "and I reckon Rainbow here will take as much of it as you can make – but for me, there's still nothing finer than real, down-home cider. 'Long as it's from Sweet Apple Acres, of course!"
Unfazed, Pinkie moved the glass towards Fluttershy, who mumbled something about not wanting to push in front of Twilight Sparkle. However, the latter merely smiled and urged her on. Eventually, the yellow pegasus took a tiny sip, before gently pushing the glass back across the table.
"Oh, that's very... lively, Pinkie Pie," she said quietly. "I've never tasted anything like that before. You must have spent such a long time thinking up the recipe. I think it's a tiny bit brash for me, though. I like nice, calming drinks usually." Indeed, Fluttershy's tea parties were famous throughout Ponyville, with Rarity in particular being an avid attender of what the fashionista, inevitably, called her "soirées".
Rainbow Dash zoomed down to the table, where Twilight had carefully wiped the glass and was just about to take a sip herself.
"You want that? No? Mustn't let it go to waste, then!"
She picked up the two-thirds full glass and drank it in one gulp. Twilight glared at her.
"Okay, okay," grumbled Rainbow Dash. "I get the idea. We'll be in the hall." Applejack clattered out of the kitchen after her; Fluttershy followed after a moment's hesitation.
Pinkie was already filling up a new glass for Twilight, and the unicorn closed her eyes for maximum concentration as she accepted it from behind the screen. She had been reading recently about the interconnection of smell and taste, and she took a deep breath. No doubt about it: there was a real zing to the Super-Duper Secret Soda Surprise, its fizz permeating her lungs. Feeling a little bubbly herself, she drained the glass just as Rainbow had done.
* * *
Eventually, Fluttershy found the last part of the broken screen, embedded high up in one of the kitchen's walls. She tugged it free and flew gracefully down to the bin, where she deposited it with a gentle crunch. The other ponies gave a sigh of relief; now all they needed to do was to sort out Twilight Sparkle. Somehow.
"Sparkle is about right," muttered Applejack to the others. "I've never seen Twi like this before. Do y'all think we should take her to the hospital?"
"Uh... how?" asked Rainbow Dash, and she had a point. At that moment, Twilight was wandering dizzily around the kitchen and shouting rather incoherently at the walls when they got in the way, which was often. Twilight being Twilight, her outbursts contained little in the way of personal insults and rather more in the way of controversial hypotheses relating to variable stars, but the overall effect was no less disturbing.
"Er, Pinkie Pie?" said Applejack after a few moments. "How long is it since you picked those apples? Y'see, I'm just wondering whether they might have... well... fermented?"
"We-ll," mused the other pony, "I'd been storing them up extra specially to be my extra-special special extras, but I made sure they were all in tip-toppety-tip condition. But if you really think Twilight might be drunk, maybe we could ask Spike to come over here and breathe fire at her. If she burns all up, then we'll all know exactly what happened!"
The rest of the ponies gave her a look.
"No, I suppose you're right," said Pinkie. "He won't go anywhere today if Rarity isn't going to be there too."
The rest of the ponies gave her another look.
"We do know exactly what happened," said Applejack, a little hotly. "Twi drank some of your brew, and then she went a mite... doolally." She indicated a nearby table, where one of Fluttershy's feathers had been transformed into a scale model of the Everfree Forest during one of Twilight's frenzies. That wouldn't have been so bad, had Princess Celestia's star pupil not been so convinced that a fully accurate model had to have perfectly modelled weather conditions, so that she could study how thunderstorms worked without the influence of pegasi while she was making lunch. Even as the ponies watched, a miniature lightning bolt burned a tiny hole in the wood.
"Oh dear; that looks awfully dangerous," said Fluttershy, retreating into one of the few spots that seemed to be inaccessible to either the lightning bolts or – especially – Twilight Sparkle.
"It doesn't look like she's going to snap out of it any time soon," said Applejack, ducking a rolling-pin that had been levitated across the room with some force. "I think we need a little help here, and that model of the forest gives me an idea. Rainbow Dash, can you go to Zecora and ask her if she can help us out?"
"Will do!" promised Rainbow, snapping a salute. She shot out of the window in the direction of the zebra's woodland home, her wings working overtime as she strained for speed.
"The pulsation mechanism for Beta Cepheids, you idiots!" screamed Twilight, with a ferocious expression on her face and magic flaring from her horn in great spitting clouds. Fluttershy was now attempting to burrow through the wall behind her.
Applejack grimaced. "We'd better hope Rainbow Dash is back mighty soon."
In fact, the pegasus was gone for no more than a couple of minutes, though it had seemed rather longer to the ponies in the kitchen. She returned carrying some odd-looking herbs in her mouth.
"Zmcmrr smmd," she began, before dropping the purple and orange striped leaves on the table and starting again. "Zecora said: these leaves are what you to her must feed; then she'll soon be back to normal indeed."
Simple in theory: less so in practice. As she leapt around the room, Twilight was now using her magic to augment her strength, to the extent that all attempts by the other ponies to corral her into one corner were unsuccessful. Even Applejack proved unable to hold her still enough to feed her the zebra's medicine. After several minutes of this, an ever more frustrated Rainbow Dash decided to take a more direct approach. She flew to the sink, filled a bucket with ice-cold water and up-ended it over the unicorn.
Twilight jumped and squealed, but then she stood still, her face gradually reddening as the full horror of what she had just done began to creep over her. She gave a nervous laugh.
"All right, then..." she began, "um... shall we carry... er... oh my, look how late it's getting!" A tiny thunderclap punctuated her last words, and Twilight hastily used her magic to sweep away the miniature forest, a fixed grin on her face as she did so. "Maybe we should come back, er, tomorrow?"
The others – even Fluttershy – gave her an even less impressed version of the look they had earlier given Pinkie Pie, but at length they agreed.
"After breakfast tomorrow, then," said Applejack. "And I really reckon you should be getting a good night's sleep now, Twi." She raised her voice ever so slightly at the word "sleep", just to make the point.
* * *
The following morning, the five ponies crowded into Sugarcube Corner's kitchen – though in Fluttershy's case, she was now so nervous of what Pinkie's drink might do to any of them that "crowded" was entirely the wrong word. In fact, the yellow pegasus was practically out in the street, and had to be hauled back into the room by Rainbow Dash.
"Er... Pinkie Pie?" ventured Twilight Sparkle after a while, still sounding just a little frazzled, not to mention embarrassed, after the previous day's events. She had been told very firmly by the others that she was not even to sniff the Soda Surprise this time around – not that she had any intention of doing so.
The bouncy pony smiled. "Yes?"
"It's not going to be a secret recipe once you've told us about this final ingredient, is it? So shouldn't you change the name?"
"Of course not, you silly filly! The secret now is going to be that the Super-Duper Secret Soda Surprise isn't actually a Super-Duper Secret Soda Surprise at all, but a Super-Duper Not-so-Secret Soda Surprise, but if I changed the name to Super-Duper Not-so-Secret Soda Surprise then it wouldn't be a Super-Duper Secret Soda Surprise any more, would it?"
"What the hay?" said Applejack, blinking. "I don't know about y'all," she said to the other ponies present, "but I'm fair dying to hear what Pinkie's put in this here drink of hers. Come on now, girl, spit it out."
Pinkie made a face. "Eww! Can't I just show you a glass?"
Twilight cut in. "Can we get this over with, please? I have a lot of re-shelving to catch up on this afternoon, thanks to my going... um... well, thanks to yesterday; and I won't have Spike to assist me because he's helping Rarity with her hats all day. Again. So, Pinkie Pie, yes: please just tell us. What's the secret ingredient?"
"Wyvern's blood!" Pinkie giggled, before relenting and at last giving everyone the answer they craved. "Isn't it obvious?" she said. "Dashie was the only pony who liked it, and that's because it was made especially for her! And look! Here's the missing ingredient!"
And there it was indeed: the final glass. The recipe was complete. Three parts apple juice, one part cherry juice – and one part of an unfamilar, rather sticky, clear-brown liquid.
"Now what in the name of Celestia is that?" wondered Applejack, startled at its intensely sweet smell – but the mystery was about to be solved. It wasn't a beverage that was particularly well known in Ponyville, though it was rather more popular in the likes of Manehattan – but now that Twilight at last saw the secret ingredient for what it was, something clicked in her head.
"Now I know why I acted all weird yesterday!" she exclaimed suddenly. The other ponies looked at her in surprise, and she quickly continued. "The glass I was given wasn't the mixed drink at all. It was purely the secret ingredient. But I had my eyes closed for the tasting, so I didn't realise that at the time. This substance is packed with sugar, and it all went to my head so fast that I couldn't cope with it and went – as Applejack put it – doolally."
"Whoa, Nelly," said Applejack herself. "That can't be right. I mean... sugar?" She waved a hoof around the kitchen, indicating the equipment that was used for preparing cakes, cookies, scones, shortbread, muffins and countless other sweet treats. "Why, gal, you eat sugary foods all the time. We all do."
"Exactly!" came back Twilight. "Sugary foods. The sugar in this drink is pure glucose, and that is absorbed into the bloodstream much faster than the fructose sugar in an apple. I'm used to eating cupcakes, so they don't bother me. And with Pinkie's Party Punch, we all expect it to have strange effects; that's part of the fun." (Pinkie Pie beamed hugely.) "But this stuff hit me all at once when I wasn't expecting it, and my metabolism wasn't prepared for it at all."
"Metaba-what now?" stuttered a confused Applejack, and Rainbow Dash took over the questioning.
"But what about the rest of us?" she demanded. "We were all fine."
"Yes," said Twilight. "Because you three had the properly mixed drink. And in any case, Applejack and Fluttershy only drank a small amount, so the hit they took was so small as to be insignificant – while if you got a little more hyperactive... well, who'd notice the difference? You felt that extra energy, but the other changes just enhanced those aspects of your personality that were already to the fore.
"The rest of you were lucky, though. If you'd drunk from the glass I had, it could easily have been you who'd been affected. Though... even the mixed drink might be a little too strong for us, I think. With just one exception. I'd say that none of the rest of us should be drinking Pinkie Pie's creation at all – except, just maybe, at her parties – but that the recipe is absolutely ideal for you, Rainbow Dash."
The pegasus pony sighed happily as she hovered. An awesome energy drink for her alone seemed like something idyllic. She couldn't wait to get her hooves on some more; and while she'd never lose her taste for cider, she knew that the next time she competed at a flying show, it would be Pinkie's drink she took along with her. For Rainbow Dash, it was perfect.
After all, why wouldn't it be?
The Super-Duper Secret Soda Surprise was 20 percent cola.
