“Hi, kids! I’m Wide Angle.”
“And I’m Straight Arrow.”
“Hi, Wide Angle and Straight Arrow,” a classroom of foals greeted the two guardsponies in unison.
“Wide Angle and Straight Arrow came all the way from Canterlot to tell us about the Royal Guard.”
“And tell we shall, Ms. Cheerilee,” Wide Angle said. “And thank you for introducing us.”
“Wait, I thought we already introduced ourselves.”
“She was just passing along the floor to us.”
“Wouldn’t she have to specifically say that she was passing it over to us?”
“There’s more than one way to tell somepony that it’s their turn to speak.”
“Is this written down in some rulebook I don’t know about?”
“Rulebook? Why in Equestria would a pony need a rulebook for something like that?”
“Ahem.” Cheerilee called the guardsponies’ attention back.
“I mean,” Wide Angle started, “being a guard sure is fun-tastic!”
“Uh, yeah,” Straight Arrow agreed, “It… sure is.”
“Right,” Cheerilee said hesitantly, “well, I’ll leave the floor to you two then.”
“Didn’t we already discuss,” Straight Arrow began, but a shove by his partner quickly shut him up.
“Who here likes the princesses?”
The whole class raised their hooves.
“Well then, you’re all in luck because who gets to see the princesses the most, Straight Arrow?”
“Their royal advisors.”
“Heh, heh. Good one, buddy. Who else gets to see the princesses?”
“The Elements of Harmony.”
“Keep going…”
Straight Arrow took a moment to think. “Unicorn nobles in—”
“We do, Straight Arrow. Ponies of the Royal Guard get to see the princesses a lot!”
“Technically that’s not true. We’re busy with patrolling streets, farmland, borders, and other public places. So with that in mind, we don’t really get to see—”
“What my friend here is trying to say is that we do have other duties to attend to other than guarding the princesses.”
“Yeah, but what I’m saying is that the princesses have their own personal guard. So us seeing them on a regular basis is—”
“Will you excuse us for a moment, kids. I need to talk to my partner for a second.” Wide Angle turned Straight Arrow away from the class. “What are you doing?”
“What are you doing? You know as well as I do that the most excitement we ever get is chasing rats out of a noble’s yard.”
“Yeah, but these are foals we’re talking to here. Do you really think they wanna hear about us defending against the ‘tyranny’ of boredom while patrolling the bulwark all day long?”
“We were sent here to tell them about what the royal guard is like. I figured that included telling them the truth. What are you gonna say next? That we fight hydras all day?”
“It’s not like I’m lying. I’m just trying to flower it up, you know. Make it sound a little less depressing and a little more interesting.”
“Is everything alright,” Cheerilee asked the bickering two.
Wide Angle quickly turned back around. “Everything is splendid, Ms. Cheerilee. I and my partner were just discussing the next exciting part about being a guard.” He looked to Straight Arrow sternly. “Right?”
Said pony sighed. “Yeah, just wanted to make sure we didn’t bore the kids is all.”
“Anyway, like my partner was trying to say before, we do have other responsibilities. As guardsponies, it is our duty to protect all of Equestria.”
“Which includes all of you.”
“Exactly. It doesn’t matter if it’s sunny or raining, or if you’re young or old. Whenever you’re in trouble, you can count on us to help.”
“As long as you’re nearby to us.”
“Y-yeah, but chances are you will be so you have nothing to worry about.”
“Yes. The only thing you need to worry about is getting hurt, falling in a well, getting food poisoning, being attacked by a pack of timberwolves…”
“What he's trying to say is that you have no reason to fear.”
They smiled brightly at the class, some of whom had shrunk back a bit in their seats.
One of the fillies raised her hoof.
“Uh, yes,” Wide Angle acknowledged, “the filly with the red bow.”
“What about dragons,” the filly asked.
“Dragons,” Straight Arrow wondered. “Well, they’re far away from here, and we never really fought a dragon before, so…”
“We train to fight dragons,” Wide Angle blurted out. “It’s, uh, one of the things they teach you in guard school. Of course, you need to first pass your uh… bravery training. So you can be brave when you fight... dragons.”
Cheerilee brought a hoof to her face.
This time Straight Arrow turned Wide Angle away from the class. “Dragons? Are you serious?”
“Well the way you were going on about dangers and stuff, I figured they could use some uplifting thoughts.”
“Yeah, thoughts, as in, made up stuff that comes straight out of your mind. Although the way you say them, I suspect most of it is coming straight out of your—”
“Hey, watch the language. You’re in front of foals.”
“Oh, so now you’re chastising me about my language when you’re blatantly lying.”
As the two continued to bicker, the filly turned to her two friends. “What do ya’ll think?”
“About those clowns,” the pegasus said, “I think they’re bunch dumb-heads.”
“I think they’re funny,” the unicorn stated, “but, yeah, they are kinda stupid.”
“Well, yeah,” the earthpony continued, “but Ah’m talkin’ about what that one said. About guardsponies bein’ trained to fight dragons.”
“Come on, Apple Bloom, you can’t really believe what that pony says.”
“Well, they are guard ponies, Scootaloo. Aren’t they always supposed to tell the truth?”
“Well duh, Sweetie, but did you hear those guys? They sound off, is all I’m saying.”
Apple Bloom pondered a bit as her friends talked. “Isn’t Spike a dragon?”
The friends looked between each other before their faces lit up with smiles, as if they all thought of the same idea.
“Gals,” Apple Bloom began, “Ah think Ah know what we’re doin’ after school.”
“…and that’s why I’d rather be eaten by a manticore instead of—”
“Are you two done arguing?” Cheerilee had to come between the two in order to stop the ordeal. “Because last time I checked, you’re supposed to be setting an example to these ponies.”
Wide Angle and Straight Arrow looked back to the classroom. Some foals were simply staring ahead, wondering what would come of this next. Others had lost interest in the two altogether and were chatting amongst themselves. Cheerilee had to clear her throat to get back their attention.
“Right, well,” Wide Angle began, “some ponies just don’t understand the mind of foals.”
“And some ponies just never grew up, it seems,” Straight Arrow retorted.
“How about both of you grow up before I have to start treating you like foals.”
“If that’s the case, maybe you can threaten this one with detention,” Straight Arrow pointed out Wide Angle.
“Wait, she can do that?”
Straight Arrow and Cheerilee cocked their eyebrows at the guardspony.
Wide Angle simply looked between the two of them before quickly addressing the class. “S-so, uh, anypony here have a question?”
A blush hoof was raised. “So what’s the salary like for a guardspony?”
“The salary? Well, that's a very interesting concept,” Wide Angle said. “Yes, our salary well, uh…”
“You can’t tell me you don’t know how much we get paid,” Straight Arrow whispered.
“I know how much we get paid. I’m trying to figure out how to not make it sound boring.”
“Oh, for the love of…”
“Quick, explain it to them while I come up with something.”
Straight Arrow looked to the filly in the tiara, who was looking rather unimpressed.
“Right, so our salary. It’s the basic wage just like any normal job which is—”
“Gumdrops,” Wide Angle blurted out. “I mean, along with our pay, if you do really awesome, you’ll get a gumdrop.” He looked to Straight Arrow with a hopeful smile.
He sighed. “Yes. Gumdrops are part of our bonus.”
The filly looked at the two, dumbfounded.
“Like I was trying to say, salary also increases with your rank.”
“Yep. The higher your rank, the more you’re paid.”
“Some high ranking ponies can handle it more maturely than others.”
“Are you talking about our CO? Oh wow, do you remember when he bought that bronze statue and set it up right outside his office?”
“Yeah, and that was just last week. Do you know what he just bought this morning?”
“Knowing him, I bet it was another antique sword.”
“No. It was gold-trimmed carriage!”
“Are you yanking me around right now?”
“Believe me, I wish I was.”
“I mean, who does that free loader think he is?”
“I know, right? I can’t wait for that one chance to catch him on a slip up.”
“Yeah, and if we can’t bring it forward, we can at least blackmail him with whatever it is.”
“Yeah, then who’s gonna be sitting back in their chair, laughing like a moron.”
“That no-good, boot licking, pie eating, fat—”
“GENTLECOLTS!”
The two immediately stopped their complaining at the scolding sound of Cheerilee’s voice. Looking at the class, they saw many wide eyes and mouths agape.
“Uh,” Straight Arrow started but did not know what to say.
“Hey, kids,” Wide Angle stepped in, “wanna see something awesome?”
“What are you doing with your spear?”
“Trust me, alright.”
“You’re not gonna do what I think you’re gonna do, right? You know what happened last time.”
“This time will be different. Just watch.” Wide Angle stood on his back legs, spear held in his hooves. “This is what I call the ‘Spinning Spear-Star!’” He then began to twirl the spear as fast as he could. Before he realized it, he was soon losing control of the weapon, and it flew right out of his hooves.
Cheerilee barely had enough time to duck as the spear flew right over her head and shattered the window behind, landing outside.
“By the Sun,” Straight Arrow exclaimed.
“Are you INSANE,” Cheerilee yelled.
“Uh,” Wide Angle began, “a-and that kids is a lesson in, um, not breaking stuff!”
“I can’t believe you just did that. I’m surprised you two are even in the guard! I expect to see your supervisor after this.”
“D-don’t worry, ma’am, I can fix this. Let me just get the spear back.” He quickly trotted towards the broken window, not looking at where he was going. “Everything’s fine! No need to send any pony to deten—”
“Wide Angle, for goodness’ sake, watch out for the glass!”
“The wha—”
“You have a visitor,” the nurse pony said as she pulled back the curtains to reveal a stallion in a hospital bed.
“Hey, Wide Angle,” the visitor greeted.
“Hey, Straight Arrow,” said pony responded.
Upon further inspection he saw that his entire torso had been bandaged up to his neck. The nurse left the two as he took a seat next to his friend.
“So how are you doing?”
“Well, my chest is starting to feel better. I think they said they had to use at least fifty stitches.”
“Sounds like fun.”
“Oh yeah, it sure was.” He sighed. “The soreness isn’t gonna compare to the speech our CO is gonna give us, though.”
“Yeah, about that…”
“Don’t tell me, I’m sure Ms. Cheerilee already sent a really angry letter to him.”
“Actually, I convinced her not too.”
Wide Angle shot up, before lying back down at the pain of his chest. “How in Equestria did you manage that?”
“I took a page from your book and convinced her to look on the bright side of the whole mess.”
“And what was that?”
“That we taught the kids how not to be a royal guard.”
“You know, Straight Arrow, you’re pretty good at using my own failures to convince others on what not to do.”
“And you’re pretty good at failing to teach others what to do.”
They both shared a laugh.
“So, what do you have their,” Wide Angle asked his friend.
“Oh, just some entertainment for you.” He gestured to the several books and newspaper he brought in.
“A newspaper for entertainment?”
“I thought you’d like to read about other ponies so you can laugh at them and say, ‘my life’s better than yours.’”
“You understand me in such a deep level.”
“Shut up and have a book.” He gave him one of the fictitious tales before reading the newspaper himself.
“Wow…”
“What?”
“Take a look at this head line.”
Wide Angle read it aloud. “‘Resident Dragon in Ponyville Attacked by Three Fillies. Claimed to be ‘Official CMC Business.’ Wow, foals these days. Am I right?”
“Yeah, what kind of pony gives foals crazy ideas like that?”
“Not us, I can tell you that right now.”
“Certainly not.”
“…”
“So, that business about detention…”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“A story for another time?”
“Never.”
“I’m saddened.”