You Can(not)

Lilith woke in a cold sweat and found herself sleeping in Twilight's room. What the hell happened. It seemed being inside a filly meant wild, memory-blank parties apparently. Because the bullet wound was gone and only her spiderweb tattoo remained. So did the other markings, but most of those were unaltered. She raised on her injured arm just to check. Nothing. No soreness. No stress on the triceps or deltoids and no apparent weakness in the elbow from a lack of activity. All she could do amounted to rolling out of bed. After she stuck the landing with her knee, Lilith groggily proceeded downstairs.

A familiar alicorn greeted her with kind words.

"Good morning, Heartbreaker."

"H-hey, that's not me. It's not my fault everypony loves sex. Plus, don't you think it's weird everyone wants to have my cock. I barely know them. " Lilith shrugged, honestly quite stirred at the name.

"Well, you are an incubus. That sort of thing happens. You'll always have a pull on people. I'm also not surprised because nowadays, everypony wants sex without commitments. So. You know, forget about how bad you feel and focus on how nice it is to be... popular, I guess." Her friend thought aloud, making sure to scramble their eggs.

Eggs? Why did ponies need to eat eggs. Weren't they an herbivorous species? That single thought stirred in her feeble human mind, second only to Lilith pondering the dreams she had throughout the night. It extended to laying her hand over her lips. Silence broke when she posed a curious finding.

"I had a dream that we were engaged in some military plot to fight humans like me. And then I dreamed I had sex with Silver Spoon. I'm pretty sure they were both wild fantasies from my repressed imagination."

"Well, you did come here piss drunk, take her against my realistic fiction section and make her call you daddy. The other event was just the byproduct of your overactive imagination. Now come eat your eggs. We've got a big day today." Answered her compadré, starting a daisy and rose petal sandwich.

Oh. That explained it. The eggs were only for her. So what other senseless slaughters did they commit for her, she wondered between bites. A chicken. A cow. Maybe even a pig or something exotic. Food in Equestria must've been to die for. Before long, she was out the door with Twilight as they enjoyed a pleasant walk in Ponyville. Children were screaming and shrieking about how their mommies wouldn't buy their favorite toys. Mothers were complaining to their husbands about how little time they had to themselves. And the husbands were threatening to beat their wives under the noise of all the other dysfunctional families. Truly, a step in the right direction of modern day society.

When they reached the planned destination, Lilith was surprised to see a human museum. Scratch that, it was a Human Museum, devoted to the study and debate on humans and their existence in Equestria. A brass plaque below some neanderthal display read some interesting words.

'As seen here, the ancient human is practicing their twerk positioning. Notice the slouching of the back and it's most distinct emphasis on pronouncing the buttocks. Truly a fascinating ritual. In the display case are two human items alongside the fabled McDonalds Overweight, which are recreational pieces of pop culture.'

Said display case of an ancient human had an overweight adult female eating McDonalds. Hm. What an interesting skewering of some anachronistic human timeline. The simple delight of seeing her friend's expression drew a crooked smile to Princess Sparkle's lips. They were having such a good time. It beat having horrific anxiety attacks. Hand-in-telekinetic hand, they enjoyed the museum founder yelling at some staff members. Her barking tones were near frantic and nasally, each word biting with unfair criticism and delusions of grandeur.

"I'm the one who funds this museum and I'm the one who gets to write all the historic information! You cannot tell me what's right and wrong!"

"But Miss Heartstrings, you can't possibly be serious! This- this information is wildly inaccurate And you, you need editors on this! All of the language and phrasing is ludacris! Why are there so many exclamations! There are too many exclamations!"

The colt speaking to her lit himself on fire and crashed into the McDonald's Overweight display.

They rushed out and never looked back.

Author's Note

Can I has satire?