“Leave me just a little bit of myself so I can call you my everything.” Rabindranath Tagore
It was a cold day in Ponyville, it was so cold that whenever ponies breathed trough their mouths, vapor could be seen coming out. Of course cold was only a side effect of winter, and since winter is the season in which most of my animal friends were gone, I found myself taking a stroll through the streets of Ponyville. Normally I would be really nervous walking amongst other ponies but only a few of them were out, besides my thoughts were occupied by something or rather somepony else.
I so absorbed on my thoughts that I didn’t notice where I was going I just knew I was walking. Suddenly a voice broke me out of my stupor.
“Fluttershy, darling” said Rarity “What are you doing out here so late?”
Late? I turn around, it was only a few minutes ago that I came out of my cottage early in the morning, but apparently it had been more than just a few minutes, hours more likely. And to top it off I had ended up in front of Rarity’s boutique. Why would I come here?
“Fluttershy?” she calls out again “You seem preoccupied, would you like to come in and have a nice cup of tea?” she asks.
“Oh! Um no… um I wouldn’t want to be a bother” finally I say something, I really want to stay for tea but I’m afraid of what I might say about Twilight, she has managed to occupy my very though and I don’t trust myself to keep it a secret if I talk for too long. I turn around to go back to my cottage but Rarity’s hoof on my shoulder stops me.
“Worry not dear” she says “You know that you are never a bother, now come in, you must tell me what is on your mind”. I’m really scared that I’ll reveal my crush to Rarity but she sounds so inviting that I have no choice but to enter the boutique.
I sit down on her fainting couch while she goes and prepares the tea; meanwhile my thoughts find themselves directed at a particular lavender unicorn. We had known each other for such a long time, to be honest I was kind of scared when I first met her. Well… to be fair I’m kind of scared of everypony when I first meet them. But with a little work we became great friends, all of us did, granted I already knew Rainbow Dash but I don’t think our friendship was ever this strong, and is all because of her, Twilight Sparkle, I silently sigh, Princess Twilight Sparkle, I have to keep reminding myself that. I wish I could be worthy of you Twilight.
Twilight…
“What about Twilight?” I hear Rarity say as she looks to me expectantly, a tray with cups being placed by her magic onto the coffee table. I said that out loud didn’t I? Oh I’m such a klutz… Stupid, stupid, stupid.
“What about her?” I try diverting the attention from myself but I can tell she sees right trough me, my tone is too pleading, as if I’m begging her not to continue this conversation but as always luck isn’t on my side and I see her raise an eyebrow.
“Well darling” she sits beside me while she continues to talk “when I came back from the kitchen I just saw you staring to space, and you kept repeating Twilight’s name over and over” she stares at me and I turn around.
“Did I?” I say while staring at the ground. I said it more than once? “I… I d-don’t remember thinking about T-T-Twilight, you m-must have misheard me?” as I’m speaking my tone keeps getting lower and lower, I hate that about myself, I can’t keep a normal conversation like a normal pony, just another reason why Twilight wouldn’t like me, I hide behind my mane like I always do when I’m scared or nervous.
“Fluttershy, whatever is wrong?” Rarity’s concerned tone brings me out of my thoughts “You know you can tell me anything that is bothering you right?” I raise my head and look out the window, it’s so dark outside, it must be about nine and still she makes time for me. I have such great friends… I wish I could be a better friend, and then maybe Twilight would notice…
“H-hey Rarity” I start talking I hadn’t notice the weight of all these thoughts, the effect it was having on me became very clear in that moment. Rarity was looking at me with concern written all over her face. None of us had touched the tea cups yet. “Have you ever been in l-l-love?”
Rarity’s eyes became very big and her mouth opened she began to smile and I knew she had figured it out, but I was still waiting for an answer from her, I wanted to know if what I felt was love or if it was simply and schoolfilly’s crush. I wanted to know if love meant that you can’t stop thinking about that special pony, if it meant that everything you did was to somehow impress them, or that you kept trying harder and harder to be better so that one day they might notice you.
“Darling… are you in love with Twilight?” she kept smiling and came closer to me, as if we were gossiping. I frowned and I couldn’t stop myself from saying in a very demanding tone. “Answer my question first” Oh my, that was so rude! “I-I mean… If you want to that is”. Rarity didn’t seem offended but she did seem a little surprised at my outburst.
“Well as a matter of fact I… have… been in love” she stated but she faltered a little and her stare broke, she gazed at her coffee table but her eyes had a distant look. I wanted to ask her what was that about but she suddenly looked at me again and said “Now, you have to answer my question dear.”
“Oh… Um well… the thing is… I don’t… I don’t know” I said, defeated, as I hung my head low. I could feel her stare, it made me uncomfortable.
She finally took one of the tea cups and sipped at it, and then she put it back. “Excuse me darling but, how can you not know?” she asks.
“…” I cannot speak. I just froze. I wanted to tell her so badly everything that was on my mind but suddenly I forgot how to speak so I just stood there with my mouth opening and closing.
Rarity seemed amused by my behavior because she giggled a little. “Look Fluttershy, it seems to me that you don’t understand your feelings very well, but I can assure that you look very much in love” she states. Am I that obvious? “Honestly you haven’t been yourself lately and I was starting to worry dear. It is actually a relief that you told me” I start to panic a little, if Rarity could see right through me that meant that Twilight could also have noticed. She so smart, and amazing, and beautiful… Wait! Focus. “I thought that you didn’t want to be our friend anymore, you seemed so distant.”
“N-No!” I shout loudly “I always want to be your friend!” I feel so stupid because I didn’t notice how any of my other friends were doing I was so distracted with thoughts of Twilight that I hadn’t been paying attention to my other friends. How could they still want to be my friends, I’m such a bad pony. “I’m so sorry Rarity…” tears were welling up in my eyes, “I didn’t mean to be such a bad friend… p-please don’t leave me, I promise I will never do anything to hurt you ever ag-“.
My rambling was cut short by Rarity hugging me, she whispered in my ear “Of course not Fluttershy, you are my dear friend, like I said I was simply worried about you. Just remember that you can tell me anything okay?” I started to calm down, whatever I did in my life to deserve such amazing and understanding friends I would never know.
I finally stop crying and I manage a small smile. Rarity stops hugging me and we drink our tea although it is already cold it helps me calm down further. “Thank you Rarity” I manage to say after a while.
She smiles at me and I know that everything is going to be okay. “Think nothing of it darling, that’s what friends are for. Now, you must tell me all about you and Twilight! Oh this is so exciting! Little Fluttlershy has finally grown up” there is a shimmer in her eyes when she speaks and it frankly scared me a little.
I feel my face grow hot and I just mumble “W-well I… I don’t really think it matters… she will never notice me."
“Why would you think that? Of course she notices you; you are one of her best friends!” she sounded surprised, angry even.
“It’s just that Twilight is so amazing, I mean I could spend all day speaking about all her good qualities and I think she deserves somepony equally great for her, somepony that can keep up with her greatness….” I didn’t stutter once through that whole sentence and I felt kind of proud of myself but the next part hurt so much to say I couldn’t help crying again. I’m such a crybaby. “B-b-but me? I… I definitely not worth her time and much less her l-love…I… I’m just Fluttershy, weak, helpless, shy, dumb, little Flutt-“
“FLUTTERSHY!” I was so surprised of the scream Rarity gave that I almost fell on my back. “I will not have my best friend speaking about herself in such a way! You are by no means weak or helpless, and certainly you are not dumb… Maybe you are a little bit shy but that doesn’t matter, it doesn’t change the fact that you too are an amazing pony” she came close to me and gave another hug, tears were still streaming from my eyes. “And even if Twilight doesn’t return your affections you are still a great friend don’t you ever forget that."
I had nothing to say so we just stayed there, holding each other, until Rarity said “Oh, is it that late already?” we separated and I turn to look out the window, it certainly looks dark. It will definitely be hard returning to the cottage. I stood up to leave but Rarity stopped me and said “Darling I will definitely not let you go out there so late; you shall stay in the guest room."
“Um… No I-I’ll be okay, don’t worry” as I’m about to open the door I feel myself being pulled away from the door by an annoyed looking Rarity.
“Nonsense, come now, let us go to sleep”.
“Thank you again Rarity” I mumble and she just smiles at me. We walk silently until we reach the guest room.
We talk about trivial things and town gossip while she prepares the bed and when she finally makes to leave she turns around and says “I must admit that the way you talk about Twilight is so endearing, just like in the books... Twilight is the one and only for you! if she were to leave your side you would feel incomplete!” she exclaimed so dramatically, obviously imitating those books, I couldn’t help but giggle. “Well anyway goodnight Fluttershy, sleep well”.
“Goodnight Rarity, and thank you, again”. She walks to her room and I am alone with my thoughts again, thoughts about her. I imagine myself in one of those books, I'd declare to all of Equestria my love for Twilight and then we would walk into the sunset without a care in the world. With that thought sleep finally took me.
“Happiness is where we find it, rarely where we seek it.” J. Petit Senn
A sound of dishes clattering wakes me up around noon, judging by the light coming to Rarity’s guest room, and immediately yesterday’s conversation come rushing to my brain, leaving a little dizzy. I struggle to get out of bed and I can barely keep my eyes open, they were puffy from all the crying. I finally manage to stand up and I make my way toward the sounds in the kitchen, when I get there Rarity is cleaning some dishes and she has the kettle on.
She turns around and looks at me letting out a tiny giggle that makes me self conscious. I probably look awful. So I hide behind my mane as I always do, she seemed to notice this because immediately she stopped laughing. “Don’t worry darling, your mane is just a little bit frazzled, nothing a bath can’t fix” she said and I was about to agree when my stomach rumbled leaving me more ashamed. Rarity simply states “But first you must eat something” she said while pointing to her table, were an assortment of fruits and biscuits were laid, “here, you can take anything, I am going to work on some designs, if you need anything I’ll be in my inspiration room” she is about to leave the room when I finally find the courage to look to her.
“Wait” I said and she turned toward me. “Um… I-I”. Why can’t I speak normally? “I just wanted to thank you, um, yesterday… the talk… it really helped a lot”
“Think nothing of it” she said and then she left leaving me alone in the kitchen. I ate till I was full; I hadn’t realized how hungry I was. I started to get worried about my animals so I took a quick shower in Rarity’s bathroom and went on my way, not without thanking her first, she had been such a good friend.
I arrived at my cottage and fed the little animals that were still in the cottage they didn’t seem upset about me being late but I still apologized profusely especially to Angel, although he made me prepare him a very complicated salad. Even your own pet can control you, you’re such a pushover.
After finishing my chores I planned on resting, yesterday’s events really left me with no energy and I felt the need to evaluate my feeling toward Twilight. The more I thought about her the more I needed her, I felt incomplete without her and that thought made my heart ache and my stomach felt empty even though I had already eaten.
I want to be with Twilight but I’m not worthy of her. Despair starts to creep in my mind and I find myself wanting to cry again. The animals come near me and start cuddling around me, perhaps in an attempt of consoling me, which brings a smile to my face. We spend some time like but some of them start to shiver. I had forgotten how cold it was.
I decide to knit little blankets for my animal friends. I am a pretty good knitter and the animals definitely seem to need it. I go to my special room where I keep all of my creations and I start working on the blankets it helps me get my mind off of thing and it relaxes me. I really like knitting, my grandmother taught me and I always remember her when I’m in this room.
An idea strikes me. I should make something for all of my friends! The idea excites me and after finishing my animal blankets and making sure they are all comfortable I start making presents for my friends. I want to apologize to all of them for being so distant lately and I settle for something simple yet useful, especially in this time of the year: a scarf and a hat set, they would be compliment each of my friends colors in addition of having their cutie marks.
I went to work and it definitely lifted my spirits, doing something for other ponies always made me feel happy.
By the time I finish all the presents the sun had already set and I felt pretty tired. I wanted to give the scarves to my friends as soon as possible but they were probably asleep already so after a light snack I went to sleep, even though I felt giddy about tomorrow I slept very peacefully.
--
I woke up earlier than usual so I had to finish my chores before feeding the animals, the excitement distracted me from them but I managed to finish, I fed my animals and then I ate breakfast myself, I took a shower and made sure everything was in order before heading out. I carried a bag with my friend’s presents in my back and I headed to Rarity’s boutique but along the way I spotted Rainbow Dash and she saw me.
“Hey Fluttershy!” she said in her characteristic tone, loud and carefree, as if she didn’t care if anyone else was listening. “What you got there?” she asked pointing to my saddlebags.
“Oh, um well… I wanted to give these to all of you girls” I said while I reached for a bag in my saddlebag, I took out Rainbow’s scarf and hat, they were red and the scarf had her cutie mark in both ends. It was wrapped in brown paper with her name on it. I handed it to her and while she opened it I said. “I wanted to give you this as an apology; I know I’ve been distant lately… It’s just… there have been some things on my mind… I’m s-sorry for being such a bad friend…” I turn to look at her and she’s just staring at me eyes really open.
She probably hates it. “I-it’s okay if you don’t like it… you don’t h-have t-to use it” I said while staring at the ground tears were starting to pool around my eyes.
Suddenly she said, almost screaming. “Are you kidding?! I love it, it’s amazing” I turn to look at her and she is wearing them and it makes me smile and although I try to stop them some tears get out of my eyes. “It definitely makes me look 20 percent cooler” I giggle and she gives me a pat in the back. “Thanks Fluttershy, you really are a great friend.” I feel happy that she said that but at the same time I don’t feel it’s true.
Rainbow must have noticed something was wrong because she sat down next to me and said in a very serious tone. “Look Fluttershy, I don’t know what’s got you so down, but you need to know that you are not a bad friend okay. I accept your apology if that’s what you want but you don’t need to be sorry for anything ya hear me?”
“You know you can tell me anything right?” she turned to look at me and in that moment I felt better, knowing that she cared. Dash is like a sister to me so I felt the need to tell her all about Twilight, so I did.
“… I want to be with Twilight so badly but I’m not brave or cool like you so I don’t think she would be interested” I finish and my voice lowers in volume and my head sinks to the ground as I utter those last words. A long silence follows and I’m inclined to believe Rainbow has left but when I turn around she is looking at me, she looks surprises and offended? Oh no… I’ve offended her. Stupid, stu…
Her voice breaks me from my thoughts. “Don’t sell yourself so short Fluttershy. You may not be as cool as I am… well nopony is as cool as I am, but you are definitely brave… when it counts. Besides you think somepony as amazing as me would hang out with someone lame or un-cool?” she asks and I am rendered speechless.
I stare at her in awe. When I was younger I always used to think that Rainbow only hung out with me because she pitied me and I guess that fear stayed with me throughout the years we’ve known each other.
Perhaps I haven’t given my friends enough credit, they definitely are not stupid and if they want to hang out with me then maybe I’m not so bad myself.
Rainbow’s voice broke me of my reverie. “Hey Equestria to Fluttershy” she waves a hand in front of me and I can’t help myself and I give her a hug, I know she doesn’t like them but I needed a hug right now.
“I’m sorry Rainbow, I’m sorry I ever doubted you.” I can feel she wants to say something but I keep going “Thank you; you have no idea how great it is for me to hear you say that… I was afraid that all of you girls only hung out with me because you felt sorry for me but now I know better thanks to you”. I kept hugging her but I could tell she was getting uncomfortable so I had to let go. “Sorry” I whispered.
She looked at me for a while and finally she said “I had no idea you thought of yourself like that, but I guess that explains a lot of things” she paused and she came close to me while looking from side to side, making sure we were alone “Well I’m only going to say this once and don’t you dare tell anypony about it okay” I nodded a little bit intimidated by her tone. Her gaze softened and she said, almost in a whisper “I love you okay, you’re like a sister to me and I know that you will always be there for me when I need you, you are an amazing friend and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise okay?”
I was at a loss of words and tears started streaming from my eyes. She smiled and patted me on the back. Nothing else needed to be said.