Equestria Gameplay and Commentary
"What's up, everybody? This is Cr1TiKaL, and I'm a fucking horse. Lets do this shit."
He walked through the dark forest. "Now, I have no idea why I'm a weird horse-looking thing, but I guess it has something to do with this game thing I recently acquired. I'm actually not even sure it's a game. Some superhero gave me this thing. Fuck, I'm not even sure he was a superhero. He just had a cape on. I decided to play around with it after playing around with myself, and some bright light shot out of it like nipple milk shoots out of a woman, and now I'm here, and I'm a horse."
He jumped through some bushes and made it out of the forest. "Finally, that was darker than the fucking bat cave. Wait... do I still have nipples?"
He looked under his body. "Well, I have a horse-dick, but no nipples. Wait! There they are! Right next to the flopper. That'll save some time in the long run."
After a few minutes, he looked up and saw a pink pony bouncing around. "Maybe this floppy titty knows what the fuck is going on here." he said to himself.
He walked over to her. She stopped in midair and faced him. He backed away a step. "What is this nonsense? Horses don't fly." he said.
"Hello! Who are you?" she asked, gently floating to the ground.
"I'm the one asking the questions here." he said in his perfectly monotonous voice, "Where the fuck am I?"
"You're in Ponyville!" she said cheerfully.
"Pony... ville?" he asked.
"It's the name of the town." she said.
"I don't give a fuck. The name of the town I'm in won't help me... Wait a minute! You're a woman!" he said.
"Umm... Yes I am. I'm Pinkie Pie! What's your name?"
"My name is... Garveladon." he said.
"That doesn't sound like a real name."
"Cr1TiKaL."
"That's still a weird name."
"Well, Pinkie Pie is the weirdest name I've ever heard." he said, "Did your parents purposefully make your name what happens during sex?"
"What? That's an inappropriate thing to say!"
He thought about it. "I think I know why I'm here."
"Really?"
"I'm a horse, and you're a horse." he said.
"Pony."
"What?"
"We're ponies."
"Ponies?"
"Yep."
He stared at her. "Then allow me to remedy my previous statement. I'm a pony, and you're a pony. Therefore, let the breeding commence."
Pinkie took a step back. "I don't know anything about that, but if you need help finding out why you're here, Twilight Sparkle could help you. She lives in a library."
She told him the way there, then she left.
"Wait... did that bitch just tell me that this Twilight Nipple pony lives in a tree? What the fuck? I guess it's my next objective. I wasn't really given a choice there. There isn't really an heads up display in this game. I can't really tell how much ammo I have left in my gun. Fuck it, I'm reloading anyways!"
He made some contorted movements with his hooves, then said, "Alright, I didn't feel anything happen, but that had to have worked. I probably just fucking fractured my arm."
He walked to Twilight's house. "Well... It really is a tree. That's... fucked up. This place better have fucking high-def or some shit. Should I... knock or something? Wait, it's a library. I'm fucking stupid."
He opened the door.
"Twilight! Somepony's here!" called Spike.
"What are you supposed to be? A purple... Barney! You're Barney the dinosaur! I have solved... the mystery."
"Oh great, not another one of these guys again."
Twilight walked down from her room. "Hello. How can I help you?"
"Another woman!" he said.
"Um..."
'Alright, gotta play this smoothly, like a true gentleman.' "May I devour your nipples?" 'Perfect, she's mine already.'
"What?" she said, irritated, "What do you want?"
'Shit!' "I wanna go where the titties are."
"Huh? You need to calm down."
"Calm down? Calm down?! Ok... I'll calm down."
"So... who are you?" she asked.
"Cr1TiKaL." he said.
"Where do ponies get a name like that?"
"That doesn't matter. Listen to me carefully. I don't know where the fuck I am right now."
She thought about something. "Were you a human before you became a pony?"
"Yes."
She nodded. "Could you wait here for a few minutes? I think I have something that can help you."
"I have something that can help you for..."
She zipped his mouth closed with a spell.
"They said that you'd be rude, but they didn't tell me how rude."
He tried talking again, but couldn't say anything.
Twilight looked through a book while he tried to unzip himself.
"Here it is!" she said. She unzipped him.
"How the fuck did you do that?"
"I need you to stop swearing." she said.
"Fuck you. Fuck you and your dinosaur."
"Alright fine..."
"What?" he said quickly.
"Just be quiet and listen." she said, "Princess Celestia told me that when you arrived here to take you to her. I need you to come with me."
"That's what I've been saying this entire time!" he said.
"You're disgusting."
"Whoa... bitch. You're coming off as a little aggressive here."
There was a knock of the door. He walked to it and opened it, then said, "Well, hello there."
"Twilight, who is this guy?" asked the cyan pegasus that was at the door.
"My name isn't important." he said, "However, would you like to canoodle my fadoodle?"
Twilight zipped his mouth closed again. He got furious and tried to tackle her, but she teleported out of the way. She held him down with another spell.
"Uh..."
"His name is Cr1TiKaL." said Twilight, "And he's incredibly rude."
"Well... there's this stallion waiting for you in the town square. He told me to tell you to bring this new guy to him so he could bring him to Canterlot."
"The Princess must already know about him." she said, "You're coming with me."
She lifted him in the air and brought him with her. He struggled to get free. He saw the amount of mares around the town, then a smile grew across his face.
"Are you willing to be nice?" she asked, unzipping his mouth.
"You may have changed my elevation, but my erection remains!" he shouted at her.
"I guess that's a no, then."
She heard some giggling from behind her.
"Pinkie, you find him funny?" she asked.
"Well... He's a little funny."
"Hey, Nippler!" he said, "Get me out of here!"
"You can go ahead and quiet him up now."
"Traitor!" he shouted just before he got zipped back up.
"I see you've brought the pony." said the stallion, "Put him in the cage."
"Gladly." she said, throwing him in.
They closed the gate and he pounded on it.
"Start moving!" called the stallion.
"So... what's with that guy?" asked Twilight.
"He came from another planet." he replied.
"Another planet?"
"Yep. You can just ignore him. Princess Celestia's gonna send him back home."
"Good riddance." she said.
"Twilight, that isn't very nice." said Pinkie.
"He's not very nice either. He asked me if he could devour my... nipples."
Pinkie giggled again.
"It isn't funny!"
Cr1TiKal tackled the sides of his cage, then said, "Fuck it, lost cause. I'm gonna masturbate back here!"
"That's disgusting!" said a guard pulling the cage.
"Holy shit!" he shouted, "I... am an animal! And I can talk! What the fuck? It's like I'm fucking playing... ponies gone wild!"
He studied his cage and ran a few thoughts through his head. "Titties, I'm trapped! Damn it! Where are the napkins?!"
"Ew..."
"Fuck it, I don't need 'em!"
They stopped, then one guard said, "Strap him down!"
They quickly got some ropes to tie him down, then opened the door. Cr1TiKaL gave them swift punches and yelled, "My boner gives me super strength!"
He ran from the cage and headed to Canterlot. "I'm gonna fuck up their Princess." he said, "No, forget that. I'm gonna fuck their Princess. That must be my true objective."
LATER THAT SAME DAY
"Fuck... how far away is this place? I've been running for three years already, and I haven't made any progress. Wait... is that it? It must be. Alright, I seriously have to take a piss."
"Alright, I'm back from taking a piss. I found some fruit and ate it, so as you can imagine, I feel fucking amazing. Right. Now... Where was I going? I mean, my dick is so amazing that it was hard to concentrate while I was taking a piss. Oh man, that was a really good piss. Something about a city? I don't fucking know."
He looked towards the city of Canterlot.
"Holy shit, talk about overcompensation! That castle's almost half as big as my penis. Who's the king here, Lord Farquaad? Hold your horses, ladies and gentlemen! Or rather... hold your ponies. I'm not about to get raped by Shrek am I? I suppose that'd be the best thing to happen in this abysmal game. I mean, I guess the graphics are good, but the gameplay is just horrible. Must be a... game... about life. I'm gonna fucking kill the son of a bitch that sold me this thing. He also tried selling me cheese, so in hindsight I probably shouldn't have taken it. Probably his... dick cheese... This is fucking boring, I'm gonna go see what's up with this fucking town."
As he approached the gate to the town, he spotted some guards standing watch nearby.
"God, the character design for this thing is awful. They're all exactly the same but with different
hairstyles. All the rest of these ponies have is different colors. Oh god! I'm the same as them! Oh, no wait a minute... None of these guys have dicks. Well, that means that I just win by default. Bring out the trophies! Bet I'm gonna get another fucking 'You're winner' trophy with the way this game is turning out. I would rather be playing big rigs again if it meant I wouldn't have to stay here."
"Mommy, that man is talking to himself."
"Don't stare, dear."
"Wow, ok! Ponies in this town are fucking rude! Maybe I should just go back to Ponyville. At least there Nippler will back me up if things get hairy."
Some of the guards began to approach him. They appeared to be surrounding him.
"What is this now? First you cage me back in Ponyville, and now you're surrounding me here? Have you no manners?"
"It's confirmed. The foul-mouthed pony has escaped custody. Sir, we need you to come with us."
"Or what? You'll cage me again? I think not! My erection will do the talking here!"
"Our Princess Celestia has told us to inform you that she will be able to bring you home, but only if you cooperate."
"Well, why the fuck didn't you say so in the first place?! Holy shit, I've been looking for a way back home since I fucking got here. I can't masturbate with these stumps! How do you expect me to fit this thing inside my weiner-hole?" he asked, shaking his hoof at them.
Every one of the ponies that had encircled him were shocked at his vile language, but quickly composed themselves.
"Come with us. We will take you to the castle."
"If you insist. Things have taken a turn for the better. Alright, that's what I'm talking about! Progress! Alright, must be a cutscene. Let's just see how this plays out."
Some of the guards shared a confused glance.
"Right... This way."
They started to move, ready to pounce if he made any sudden movements. Meanwhile, Cr1TiKaL reveled in the fact that this nightmarish game was finally coming to an end.
It wasn't long before he was brought to the castle. Even more guards were there to greet the group.
"Wait a second..." he said under his breath, "Is this an ambush? Maybe... Am I still in the cutscene? I don't think so... Man, I gotta give it props for that. Flawless transitions between cutscenes and gameplay is always something nice to look for in games, so I'm glad they implemented that into this."
As he was lost in thought, he was being led through the castle itself until finally, he was face to face with who he only assumed to be Princess Celestia.
"Hello, human one."
"Is it time for introductions? Well, it's always nice to be greeted in such a... friendly manner. Who are you with your big haiand fancy shoes?"
She ignored his remark and said, "I am Princess Celestia, and I rule the kingdom you are in."
"My name is..." Once more, he created a name from scratch. "Admiral Orangered."
"Admiral... Orangered?"
"Wow, that's a stupid fucking name. I'm sorry, I have failed you, and I have failed myself."
"Then what is your name, if you're willing to share?"
"My name is Cr1TiKaL. I hear that you can send me home, and I am more than willing to stroke your horn if it means that I will be able to leave this satanic land."
"That's not necessary." she said, slowly becoming annoyed.
"Then what must I do to please you, O Goddess? Must I serenade you with tales of my newly aquired stump-dildoes? Or would you prefer I regale you with..."
"No, no... That's quite alright."
"I can see you're not interested in the art of the spoken word. Do not worry, there's more than one way to please a woman, and I know them all."
Celestia took a deep breath. "I am able to send you home. However, I will need you to do something for me beforehand."
"A mission! I accept the task. There is nothing that me and my dick can't do when we work together. Except masturbate with these fucking stumps, apparently."
"Your... stumps will have to wait." she growled, "I need you to do something for me."
"Interesting. What can the mighty Admiral Orangered do for you?"
"Part of the basement of the castle has been..."
"You know what, I don't even care, I'm done playing this." he said aloud, appearing back in his own house, everything back to normal, "Well, that's the end of this video, remember to rate the video, comment the video, and subscribe if you want to see videos similar to this one. See ya."
Author's Note
Well, that's the end of this story, remember to rate the story, comment the story, and subscribe if you want to see stories similar to this one. See ya.
