Insanity is but a setback.

by Etherreal

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Alternate Universe, Romance, Comedy, Adventure, Crossover
Length: 8796

Hey, name's John. I used to be your everyday normal person, not anymore. Ever since I came to the land known as equestria, my mind had deteriorated and now i'm fucking insane. This? This, is my story.

well, I went to comicon, bought a perfect replica of the AW crossbow and now I'm in a land of talking horses plus to boot no way home… I hate everything. Oh, also I may or may not be a psychopath, on the up side I have some awsome guns.

Mature tag for excessive swearing… Oh, that along with guns, bullets, explosions and blood but i don't see a problem with it.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-05 00:02:05 UTC

chapter 1: Le gasp! Guns! Oh ponies too, but guns!

chapter 1: Le gasp! Guns! Oh ponies too, but guns!

"AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!" Was all I Could say at this moment, I had woken up in a forest with the voice of gideon and was not in the best of moods. Cut me some bloody slack, what would you have done in my situation?

Once I was done with my scream symphony i had gotten up, looking around my surroundings I had deduced I was in fact that there were howls in The distance. I had then of course  bricked it and was confused as all hell. "There aint any wolves in Britain" 'unless you count ones in zoos... Dumbass. ''fuck of voice of jack, I am now on a quest to find out where the fuck I am!" 'uh huh? Sure, why not?'

-10 minutes later-

''You're an idiot.' said the bastard that was the voice of my friend.

"Shut it." I oh so intellectually replied.

Face it, we. Are. Lost.' he was like this for about five minutes, bitchy as all fuck is the only way i can describe it.

"We're not lost, I just don't know where we are."

'...You're an idiot.' he said for the fifteenth time today. 'Hey, I just realized something. If you still have your helmet on, maybe there is a map on it and we can use that to navigate.

"While I hate to admit it, you're a fucking genius." I complemented the voice within my head.

Pfft. Bitch please, I know. You gonna look for the on switch or what? I hate him for being arrogant, but thats why jack was my best friend. I can shoot the motherfucker down very often.

After about 5 minutes of fiddling with my helmet, I finally found the on switch. I was temporarily blinded by light but when it finally subsided I could see a map, compass, wait what? I could see a grenade count, a grapple exo ability charge and ammo count. Why? God kno- wait, I could feel a weight on my back and when I turned to look I saw 2 things that would have made me go crazy if I wasn't already.

2 weapons, a IMR thunder tusk and an elite crossbow.

"AAAWWWWWWW YEEEEEAAAHHHHHHH" 'AAAWWWWWWW YEEEEEAAAHHHHHHH' both me and jack shouted at the same time, exited to piss when we saw the IMR... The crossbow? Yeah its cool, I guess but the fucking IMR now thats badass. I mean it has infinate ammo with the 3d printer inside it, now tell me thats not badass and keep a straight face.

"You hear that girls?" Some random voice i couldn't identify said.

"Yeah Twi, I heard it. Sounded like some stallion from trottingham." A extremely tomboyish voice said

"OI SHADDAP! IM ENJOYING THE LOOK OF MY FAVORITE GUN! NOW PISS OFF!" I shouted towards them hoping to make them as I said piss off.

"COME ON THEN COME OUT OF THE SHADOWS AND FACE US LIKE A STALLION!" The tomboy shouted to me.

"YOU WANNA FUCKEN TEST ME? COME AT ME BRO- SIS? WHATEVER I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!" shouted at them hoping that they would bog off and leave me to admiring my new gun.

"MAYBE I WILL BUCKER!" Said the to- FUCK IT! YOU KNOW WHO SAID IT!

"God give me strength." I whispered, then proceeded towards the voice gun in hand. "I'M COMING AT YOU BRO, YOU MIGHT WANNA FUCK OFF NOW!"

"TARTARUS NO, COME HERE! NOW!" The mysterious voice shouted at me.

When I got through the overgrowth and made it to the voice I saw the little shit was... A talking horse? Oh no, not just any horse a sky blue horse with rainbow hair and wings. Let me rephrase that, a walki- trotting? Whatever, a talking, living, breathing foundation stage project was screaming and "swearing" me through the trees.

"Well. I'm officially insane, saying that. I kinda was before." I said aloud, getting their attention. The blue one then proceeded to make a "threatening" stance, puffing out smoke from it's nose. "You. You are fucking adorable, where the hell is my phone? Here it is, smile for the camera." Then I fell to the floor after my balls imploding due to me being kicked in the balls by an orange horse in a cowboy hat. The last sentence I wheezed out was. "Not... Cool."

chapter 2: interrogation? Where is the torture?

chapter 2:Interrogation? Where is the torture?

As I came to I found myself in a basement and said to myself. "This is dark for a bunch of talking horses." Well that's what I would have said if I wasn't gagged and bound, instead it sounded more like "Mmmph mmph!" Repeat a few times.

It was then Jack piped In... Unfortunately. 'Ooh! You sound like the pyro, shout "medic"!'

"*Sigh*  meiii! Muuaa fuuaa." I begrudgingly replied, much to the chagrin to the people and-or horses upstairs.

'Wait... Where's my phone? Oh balls, oh balls, oh balls with a side of hairy bollock dip! Where is i- oh, here it is. Why did they let me keep it?' It was in my pocket, just in reach. I got it, now, I must do something of the utmost importance! Play music full blast! Ohh, creepy AND awesome: scream! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hg7lIkZdTPk

'Maybe this will get their attention? PLAY!... No? Seriously? Ummm. Maybe this?' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bTSbT-Gu00E

'... Really? Just really? Well that was a let do-' I was interrupted as the basement door slammed open and there stood... Dun. Dun. Duuuuun. A horse, but wait, this isnt just any horse this is a premium member only winged unicorn.

'IT'S BLUE! I LIKE!' Shouted Jack in my head being like a tea towel to a microfiber cloth: fucking useless.

"How doth thou respond to the charges placed upon thee?" Tallest horse said trying to be intimidating but ending up with its olde english and shit: adorable.

'She looks so fluffy, I want to cuddle it and snuggle up with it and call it Fred!' I thought. Why? Because that's what I thought. I genuinely want to go up to it and go "c'mere ya little bastard, snuggle, snuggle, snuggle."

"You have 5 seconds to explain thself!" She said using her magic to intimidate me.

'IT HAS UNUSUAL EFFECTS! RIP OFF ITS HORN AND SELL IT ON THE STEAM MARKET FOR... SOMETHING! Jack said still being a useless sonofabitch.

'Ooh, sparkles.' Saying that, I wasn't being exactly useful either. 'Oh, and jack, shut up for a while I need complete concentration.'

"I am removing thous gag, you then WILL answer any and all question we give thee." She said removing my gag. "Firstly, who are thou."

"No! Who are youuu?" I said pointing a finger at her double jointedly.

She said boastingly. "I am princess luna, monarch of the night, defender of dreams."

"... No. You are now Fuzzy McFluffeykins. Now c'mere ya little bastard it's time for hugs and fluff- oh. My music playlist is still on... Ooh, hail to the king." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DelhLppPSxY

"You name is just too long ms. I Am Princess Luna Monarch Of The Night Defender Of Dreams... Heu heu heu heu heu heu. See what I did there? You said that you were pr-." I was cut off when she started going ape shit on me, which is quite ironic seeing as I am the one descended from apes.

HOW DARE THEE TALK TO ME LIKE I AM A COMMONER, DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM. she cap locked at me

"AAUGH I CAN SHOUT TOO, BLARUGH GET TO THA CHOPPA! AAAAUUUGHH WHAT IS THIS? THIS IS SPARTA! Good shouting match see you next week."   I said trying to stand up but faceplanting when I remembered I had a chair strapped to me. "Ow. That hurt."

Recovering from being shouted at this "Luna" as she calls herself she is not luna, luna is my cat a little fluffy ragdoll colorpoint. Anyway, she said. "How. Dare. You? HOW DARE YOU?!?! I AM ROYALTY AND I DE-."

Cutting her off I said. "OH I'M SORRY, COULD YOU SPEAK UP? I DON'T THINK MACS0647-JD HEARD YOU!

Forgetting her anger, she asked. "What is MACS0647-JD?" Fickle bitch.

Putting on my nerdvoice I said " MACS0674-JD altho known ath macth ith the farthest know galithy from the milky way the galaxy where my home, planet earth, rethides. Nerd mode deactivated, requesting orders." I said in monotone. "No, wait! Where the hell is my helmet, got a shark mouth on itand looks awesome. Can't miss it"

"It is upstairs, but you wont get it back-." I yet again cut her off.

"Gimme or say bye bye to life, I wonder, would a bullet to the brain kill you?" I asked genuinely wondering.She out of fear shot a lazer at me. "Oi, that stung! Meanie! *sniffle sniffle* Nah i really couldn't give less of a shit, you gonna die heu heu heu." She shot a steady stream of lazers at me. "Wait! Is this supposed to be an act of torture? 'Cuz it stings but dosen't hurt. Actually I have a question, why was i tied up? Is it that you think i'm dangerous, or are you into some kinky shit?"

That last sentence stopped her with the lazer barage and she looked at me with the most disguisted face I have ever seen. "I- a bu- the- WHAT?!?!"

Just to disguist her even more I said. "Hey baby, I got an open mind and i'll be real classy about it. Swear I won't speak a word of it mmkay."

Much to my suprise she said. "Well... If you really won't speak a word, then umm... Maybe... Sure." She said turning red as a tomato

It seems she dosen't get my sence of humor. "Umm, well. This is awkward 'cuz Iwas just having a laugh. Not really suggesting it. This conversation never happened."

Red as a tomato still she said. "Yep, ok, sure. Actually, you never did give me your name."

When she said that a frown formed on my face. "*sigh* well, i guess there's no getting out of this, my name is My Honey Bun, let's go upstairs and introduce me to errbody."

She put on a stoic face and said. "Ah, yes. Of course, we must let everypony know you are here."

"Pfft, yeah sure. Lezgo." I enthusiastically said trying to hurry it up.

Once we made it up there saw all 6 of the horses from the forest and 1 additional meta-horse. "Oi, fluff stand next to the meta over there."

"Who... Oh, you mean my sister. Why?" She asked

I replied with "'cuz i wanna see if I need to revoke your title as tallest horse. But first, introduce me."

"Oh, of corse. Everypony, elements, sister this" she said pointing at me with her hoof. "Is My Honey Bun."

As I suppressed a laugh I saw her sister glare at me and these elements suppressing laughts, apart from rainbitch who was rolling on the floor laughing.

The new tallest. Horse who I will name death glare Gertrude was looking at her sister and said "luna, you do know what my honey bon means right?"

Blue looked at death glare Gertrude and said. "Why yes, it is his name."

Tallest horse looked at her sister and said. "Luna, honey bun is something one would call their lover it's not a name."

To fuck up her day I looked at her and said. "No it is not, you know full well my name is John. You just started calling me honey bun after we did that thing in the basement." I said wiggling my eyebrows.

"WE BOTH ESTABLISHED THAT CONVORSATION NEVER HAPPENED!!!" She said turning peak red, I swear she was gonna go Karen on me and have the nosebleed of the century and paint the bloody walls red.

Tallest horse gave me a death glare and said. "YOU RUTTED MY SISTER, HOW DARE YOU?!?!?!"

For the sole reason of being a twat I said. "Hey. If you feel left out come on down to the basement, I'm good for round 17."

Now it was glares time to go red. When i say red. I mean blood red in rage. "HOW  FAUST DAMN DARE YOU INVITE ME TO SEX, I'M NOT THAT KIND OF MARE!!!!"!

"Hehehe, your sister seemed more than willing and I Just thought you may be the same." I said. I just made the biggest mistake of my life She charged up her horn and pointed it at me. I saw murder in her eyes. "HAHAHAHAHA OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD HAHAHA YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVED I FUCKED YOUR SISTER!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I CAN'T BREATHE HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!" I was rolling on the floor in laughter, I got up and walked up to the cowpony and at this point I had my hand on her back. "Damn, was that funny or what? Hey, where have I seen you before? Oh yeah, the... Forest." I turned my eyes and looked at her, she had her eyes turned away and was randomly whistling I looked at the screen on my wrist from the exo and turned off the punch. It was quite easy, it had a bunch of exo option and an on/off switch for them all

I looked at the royal sisters glaring at me and said. "Sorry about this, but it has to be done." I looked at the cowboy horse and said a big hearty. "FUCK YOU!" And punched them in the jaw making them bleed from the nose and be knocked unconscious.

This then prompted the princesses both to shoot me and the back with knock out spell and funnily enough, I fell unconcious.

WHERE IS HE!?!

chapter... Fuck, one moment... Chapter 3: WHERE IS HE!?!

Jack POV

I've been waiting on John for about an hour now, no idea where he is and just got creeped the fuck out by a furry. Not. My. Day. Since he went to that god damn vender he's been missing, I'm gonna ask the vender weather he's seen him.

"Hey man, you seen my friend. 'Bout yey high? Dumbass?" I asked him hoping to god he knew.

"Yea' I saw him, just after he bought a crossbow from here went thata way." He pointed to the canteen.

"Thanks ma- wait! You gave him a bloody crossbow?!? Oh bollocks!" Pissing myself I looked around trying to find him. Then I saw the most awesome thing... Ever. An awpers hand with paint that made it look like it was from TF2. "Dude, how much for the AWP?"

"Hehe. Bit fickle there? One second you're looking for your friend, the next "Dude, how much for the AWP?" Eh, whatever. Hundred and fifty quid." He said. While £150 was rather steep, it seemed about right for the sniper.

"Deal!" I damn near instantly said, grabbing my halo wallet... Shut up. Pulling out two fifties, two twenties and one ten. And people say I have too much money in my wallet at one time.

Even the guy selling it laughed at my wallet. "Hahaha! Really? A halo wallet? Dear god that's funny! Whatever, I'm no one to judge, You're  giving me money for an awpers hand replica for god's sake. Nice costume by the way."

"Thanks." I simply said while handing him the money. Then, it dawned on me. "Shit, I still need to find Johnny. Little fucking spunk catcher!" I muttered the last part under my breath, sparing the attendee from the mental image.

"Hey. If you like I can give you an SMG and a bushwacka to finish the "loadout"." He said pulling said weapons seemingly out of thin air. "Seventy-five pounds for both." He said pointing at them.

"You got yourself a deal- wait. Is one of them floppy or somthin'?" I said questioningly.

"Nope, in fact they're both metal but the SMG don't work and the bushwacka is blunt. Still could beat the shit out of someone though." He said making my fears null and void.

"Alright then, fair enough. Do you take card?" I asked hoping yes.

"Yep." Get in!

"Alright, aaand, done." And then it just dawned on me. "Huh, you're costume aint bad yourself. Resident evil merchant, nice."

"Don't worry I'm sure you'll find your friend soon, now sleep."

'The fuck?' Was all I was able to think before I blacked out.

chapter 4: Oh... Hello.

chapter 4: Oh... Hello.

I felt as though I was run over by a truck carrying bricks, gold and the great pyramid of Giza. "...Fuck. Where are my keys? I can't be that far from ho- never mind." I said as i looked around and saw trees, trees, trees and guess what... Shrubs. "What the hell, wait. WHAT THE HELL!?! I live miles away from a forest, where am I? Oh no, where's Johnny?" At this point I was hyperventilating, fearing for myself and for my best friend. And had just noticed my voice. "What. The. Fuck. I sound like sniper. Oh, I'm just sleeping. Fuck I was scared. Lets go find out where I am. Oh, actually... I have an awp. Wait, this is the awp the salesman gave me. Oh my god.

It was then I Heard... hooves? "OK Twilight Sparkle, we shall search you wait for our arrival at the library." The oddly sexy voice said, I just imagined a twenty year old girl but why she was speaking olde timey like I had no idea. Still a sexy voice, though.

"Ok princess Luna, see you then." Another voice replied... not as sexy as voice number one.

I still thought this was a dream so I charged into the clearing and found a blue horse, not just a blue horse a blue, winged, unicorn woth a gravity defying mane. "Oh... Hello." Was the only thing that left my mouth and for some reason I lifted up the SMG, unusually slow at that. At this her horn started glowing and she pointed it at me. "Augh! Please don't kill me!" I said covering my head with my hands and crouching down.

"Hmm, you seem a lot more tame than your friend over at the library." She said. Wait, I thought that a horse had a sexy voice. Motherfucker!

"What do you mean my friend? I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't know anyone from here especially if they're a horse like yourself. The only friend i'm looking for is John." I said pretty confused.

She looked at me with a glare and said. "So you are this Jack your friend has been talking about."

"You know Johnny? Thank fuck I have been looking for the mental bastard for ages now." At saying that she looked at me with disguist.

"Augh. You still have the same vocabulary mainly consisting of swear words" she said making me genuinely happy, this is John they are talking about. Maybe I can talk t- "So for not only knowing him but being friend with him, I place you under arrest."

"You what? The hell is with this? Your justice system sucks!" I was surrounded by a blue glow and popped out of existence, only to pop back 1 second later in a library. I could here someone that sounded like Gideon shouting at a texan woman. "Augh. What is happening?... Well?... Just fucking tell me! Umm. I was cosplaying as sniper now I am the sniper.  John was cosplaying as gideon.

John POV

"FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU TO EVERYTHING THAT IS EVIL AND UNHOLY YOU ORANGE, FUCKING BITCH!!!" I screamed at orange. I know her name is applejack but apparently oranges bring back bad memories so I started calling her orange.

"WELL BUCK YOU TOO, I WAS JUST TRYING TO PROTECT MY FRIENDS!" She shouted back

"WELL JUST BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT I WAS DANGEROUS DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO KICK ME IN THE BOLLOCKS!" I screamed at her, really who kicks someone in the bollocks because they THOUGHT something.

I heard what I thought was an Australian accent upstairs, specifically the snipers. "Hey, you hear that?"

"WHERE THE FUCK IS JOHNNY?!?" I heard upstairs then the sound of a door being kicked in, the basement door. "Hey, Johnny you down here?" The voice asked

"Yeah. My name is John, but who are you?" I asked the Australian.

"You know how you were transformed into gideon?" I nodded. "It's me, Jack."

"Fucking hell." I said. "You met blue yet?" I asked hoping he knew who I meant.

"Blue? Oh, you mean princess Luna? The horse?" Jack said

"We are ponies dagnabbit, get it right ya fools." Orange said

"SHUT THE FUCK UP ORANGE, I HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT FOR A FUCKING LIFETIME SO PISS OFF!" I oh so calmly said. To which jack punched me in the back of the head. "HEY WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"

"For being a twat, now apologize to her." Jack commanded.

"But she kicked me in the nads." I said hoping to get him on my side.

"And from what Luna told me, you punched her in the face. Apologize. Now!" He yet again commanded

"Augh! Fine. Sorry for shouting at you." I said begrudgingly

"See, wasn't so hard. Was it?" He said to me

"Yeah. Yeah it w-" I was cut off by an pop of yellow and there stood tallest horse in all her fatass glory. Not that that ass wasn't bad it actually looked quite ni- AAAAGH! WHY AM I THINKING THIS?!? She shot Jack in the back of the head and he fell down. "YOU FAT BITCH! WHY DID YOU SHOOT HIM?!?" Then. I was shot in the eye, burning it very, VERY painfully. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH YOUR SISTER CAN'T DO TORTURE AND YOU TORTURE ME FOR NO REASON! YOU FUCKING BITCH! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US TECH? KNOWLEDGE? WHAT?" I blacked out from pain shortly after.

chapter 5: Why us?

chapter 5: Why us?

I screamed as the knife sliced through my flesh, the searing yet cold feeling drove me insane. "Aww. Is the petty human in pain? what a shame. hehehe." Sunbutt said as she looked directly into my eyes. The insanity is saw in them was terrifying, what had I done to deserve this? WHAT?!?

"Just fucking kill me already, I just want to die!" I said through gritted teeth, I know I'm insane but I am not immune to pain on this scale. I was in the same basement I had woken in when I met luna, there were only two differences: a chair I was strapped to and the bloodied corpse of Jack in the corner. She had tortured and killed him in front of me, I still can hear his screams of agony.

She looked at me and gained a smile. "But you see my little human, that wouldn't be fun now would it?" She- she was fucking deranged, off her hinges, one sandwich short of a picnic, fucking insane however you want to say it.

I snapped, the mental damage and physical damage was too much. I laughed, I laughed hard. "Hehe... haha... A-AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! I guess you're right, that wouldn't be fun. Why don't we take turns? MY TURN, FUN FUN FUN HAHAHHA!" I said as I ripped the steel straps off of my wrists, oh god. Not again. When in extreme pain I always turned into a berserker, I hated it with a passion. I just couldn't help it. "You know, you should really get stronger straps."

She looked at me with fear and... amusement. "Oh my little human, you can't simply hurt me. I am a deity." She boasted, I hate boasters.

"Oh really m'lady, lets test that theory shall we?" She lit up her horn and I was encased in a golden glow, it did nothing at all. "Aww. Wiccwe awicorn unable to use her magic? Sucks to be you madam." I said with an insane grin, I hated becoming this monster. I grabbed her muzzle and squeezed as hard as I could. With the help of the exo suit I was stronger tenfold. I was bleeding profusely and knew I was going to bleed out, but I had to do this. For Jack. I heard snapping of bone and blood seeped through my fingers from her mouth and nose.

"Mmmphh!" I heard her gargle through blood and my fingers. The insanity was still there... And I fucking loved it!

"You know, I tried human blood once before but never horse. Wonder what it's like?" I said picking up the torture knife and stabbing her in the foreleg, I pulled out the knife and put my hand over the wound. I pulled it away seeing my bare hand covered in the crimson fluid. "Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm fucking insane, now I'll taste you! Hmm, now that I say that, it's like I'm saying I'll orally rape you. Well anyway!" I said as I lifted up my hand to my mouth an-

"Out of my sisters dream, vile creatures of the night!" A voice said, Blue said. And Celestia dissipated along with everything else, leaving only me and blue. We looked at each other with varying degrees of shock. Oh wait, I found it funny as fuck!

"I knew you wanted me inside your family, but as a sister? Did not expect that." I said to increase the tension, I'm a dick.

She looked at me with a glower and said. "Silence creature! Yo-"

"No! Just no! You know full fucking well my name is John, fucking use it!" I shouted at her with a glare, then smiled and said. "Tea?"

"First, we wish to know what you were doing with our sister in your dream?" She asked, se is gonna regret asking.

"Oh, I only broke her muzzel, talked to her like a piece of shit and was about to taste her blood. Then you got here." I said as though we were talking about the weather.

She looked gersh dern disgusted, it was rather cute really. No, not in a sexy way, an adorable way. Fucking sicko, you disgust me. "We must exit the dream for a while, compose ourself." Then there was a bright light and what felt like an earthquake. "You seem to be waking up, John."

"Ooh goodie, I finally get to punch your sister!" I said like a kid.

waking world

I shot up and started to hyperventilate... She- she could enter dreams, my god, no more sex dreams. Fuck! "I see you are awake, my little human." Said the voice that plagued my dream. Sunbutt. "I'm sorry for the spell, I miscalculated the strength and it ended up being a agony spell and it was meant to be a knock out spell."

I looked at me wrist and saw the eco ability screen, I turned on exo punch. Looked her in the eye reared back my arm and shot it forward. Only for it to be stopped by a purple aura, I looked to my right and saw a lavender horse with her horn lit with the same glow as my hand. "Let. Go." I seethed at her.

She looked at me in the eye and said. "I will not let you hurt my teacher!"

I grumbled and visibly relaxed my muscles, this she took as a sign of submission and released me. Bad choice. I jumped and exo booted towards her, hoping for a quick kill. Only to be tackled by a weight, I looked at the weight and saw Jack. "Johnny, that is Twilight Sparkle! Princess Celestia's personal student, you kill her and who knows what will happen! Let go you your vendetta and forgive the princess! I know she hurt you, but you gotta let this go man!" He shouted at me.

"Fuck no! She fucking burned my eye out! You know how that feels? Fucking agonizing!" I shouted at him hoping to get him on my side

"Listen here, dickhead. As I already said, I know it hurt. But you can't kill or hurt any of these ponies." He commanded

I grumbled and said. "Fine. This time." I meant it, they so much as accidentally sting me with a spell and I would rip their head off their shoulders.

Just as I was about do say something I heard a two tone voice say. "GET OFF OF ME YOU FILTY PONIES, MY CHANGELINGS WILL BREAK ME FROM YOUR FLIMSY PRISON!"

To this comment an authoritative voice said. "Whatever. Your changelings won't save you this tine chrysalis."

I looked around the corner to see what looked like a pony but with a chitinous skin, bug wings and with holed everywhere in it's body. I came back into the room and asked. "The fuck is that thing?"

Twilight, as Jack called her, said. "That is a changeling, they feed off love, blood and any emotion really they also ruined my brothers wedding."

"I see. Why is it here?" I asked

Twilight said. "We captured the queen while she was out trying to get supplies for her hive by connecting with another and asking for help with hunts, knowledge and wealth."

"Thank you for the information. Now then, where is my room?" I asked, I was bloody shagged and needed some rest.

It was then the princess chipped in. "You will be staying in the dungeons, not a room." She said calmly. No. Just fucking no! I'm not having this. I have a plan, save that changeling queen, help then with resources and stage an all out assault on the castle. I didn't know the details yet, but that is what I would do. Fact.

I was dragged away down halls kicking and screaming trying to get out the guard grip. Fucking magic. I was thrown in a cell and started my plan.

chapter 6: cellmate

chapter 6: cellmate

Just a few seconds I had been thrown in the cell I heard a laugh, the kind you hear from a deranged killer when he chuckles. "Hehehe. What do we have here? Fresh meat?"

I turned my head and saw a griffon. Grey body, black head, blue eyes and multiple scars running down his face. "Yea'. So what?"

"Well friend, that means I can entertain myself for a while." He said darkly with a grin.

I turned and looked him in the eye. "Listen here mate, you come within five feet of me and I'l rip your dick off. Stay the fuck away from me, got it?"

I heard walking behind me and was forced to my feet, I turned and saw the griffon looking at me with a glare. "No! You listen here! I run this dungeon and if you defy me, you die."

I grabbed his hand and pushed him to the floor, he was still glaring at me. Cocky bastard. "Now, is put this in small words you you can understand. Never. Ever! Fucking touch me!" he was on his knees, or whatever the fuck they were called. "I said I was gonna rip your dick off, right? Well, I don't want to touch your STD riddled penis so this'll do." I grabbed his wrist and twisted, due to strength amplifier it fell like nothing. I heard little cricks and suddenly a loud crack followed by a pop.

"AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!" He screamed, can you blame him? I had broken and dislocated his wrist, that shit hurts.

"What was this about you running the dungeon? Fucker. All bark, no bite. Next time you challenge someone, make sure that aren't able to destroy you." He was on the floor, quivering and whimpering. "You would have thought the mix between a lion and an eagle would be bold. Obviously you would be wrong. Little shit."

I stood up and turned around to see bug horse looking at me through her cell. "Ruthless. I like it." She said, damn that voice was fine. That ass t- bad thought, bad thought!

*humph* "Whatever, little shit should have seen it coming. Who are you again?" I asked, I think I had been told her name before but i must've forgotten.

She stood up and pointed to herself with a hoof. "I am queen chrysalis, queen of the changelings!"

"You don't say, I thought you were queen Chrysalis, duchess of the changelings." I said to her sarcastically.

"You dare mock me commoner?" She said as she pointed her horn at me threateningly.

Just to piss her off, I gave her a shit eating grin. "Basically, yeah." I looked at the prison bars to see they were rusted iron. As I threw an exo punch at the bar and chrysalis looked at me worriedly.

"WAI-" she was cut off by the sound of buckling metal. I smiled and grabbed 2 other bars.

"You see the machine on my back, the one that looks as though it is on fire?" I said to her "that can punch through solid steel, push 50 tons and can kill people easily. Personally, I think that's the best part." I said darkly as I ripped bar after bar from the door. I jumped through.

"W- *cough* wait for me." Said the griffon on the floor.

"No." I simply said and started walking down the hallway.

"Wait! Please! Come back!" Yelled the queen. "I have my children to take care of. You can't leave me here!"

At the yell about her children, I stopped and turned. As I was in front of the queen's cell, I said. "Children? *sigh* Fine, I'll let you out."

She seemed ecstatic about this. "THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!" After I had ripped off the bars from her cell, she jumped at me and hugged me.

"Listen lady, get. The. Hell. Off!" I said pushing her face away from me, trying to get free. I heard beeping from my wrist and saw. "New weapon? The fuck? GET OFFA ME!" I said as I exo dodges trying to get loose. "Anyway. New weapon? Gimme a sec i'm gonna check this. Create a class, operator and armory."

"Sorry. That was rather unbecoming of a queen." She said apologetically. "... Are you ignoring me?"

"Damn ho, calm yo tits. Aaaaaaand, accept." Just as I pressed accept on my wrist the thunder tusk appeared in my hands and the crossbow on my back with an electrical sound and a shimmering look. I gave an evil like smile and said to chrysalis. "You coming? GET A FUCKIN' MOVE ON!"

"Yes... I actually don't know your name." She said.

"It's because I haven't told you. It's John, pleasure to meet you chrysalis." I said with a smile. "Augh, I hate acting normal. Lets go. But first, I'm getting my helmet."

"I can teleport it here if you would like." She said.

"Yeah, sure, teleport. Whatever you say ya crazy b-" *pop* "well, ok." I said as the helmet teleported onto my head.

"Stop right there, criminal scum!" I heard fuzzy guard #937 say to me and chrysalis. He be so fuzzy.

"Or what, you gonna throw that toothpick at me?" I said, motioning towards the spear he was holding. Sorry, I can't get it out of my head. How are they all the same? And all so fuzzy? He threw it. I swear I heard a fart sound when it bounced off my helmet. "You bugger! What are you playing at?"

"That was an enchanted, sharpened spear! How did it just bounce off?!?" He shouted, it sounded more like a whimper than a shout though.

As me and chr-

GIMME THE COMPUTER!

NO, FUCK OFF!

*CRASH* *SMASH* *MMMMMEEEEOOOOWWWWW*

And as John thrusted forward, she screamed in ecstasy. Her juices dripping down the bed sheets.

FUCK OFF JOHN! THIS AINT A CLOPFIC!

IT IS NOW, FUCKER MWAHAHAHAHA! TAKE THIS THIS ETHERREAL!

As he grunted, she moaned very much enjoying this positio-

*CRASH* *punch punch punch* *CLANG*

*pant pant pant* Ain't ruining this story, bitch. As I was saying... Typing? Fuck it!

As me and chrysalis heard the guard say this, we both gave each other a quizzical look. "Well guard, it seems it wasn't good enough." Chrysalis said, getting all up in his face to taunt him. As she lifted up her hoof to kill the poor sod we heard.

"Johnny! Stop it you bloody idiot!" I heard a familiar Australian accent say.

"CHRYSALIS! TELEPORT, NOW!" I shouted, Jack aimed his sniper at chrysalis and we teleported. "Well, back to square one." Where were we, I hear you say. The fucking forest I woke up in! "FUCK EVERYTHING!"

"John, calm yourself. We will simply get to my hive, we shall be safe there." Crysalis said reassuringly.

"Well then, lets get going." I said begrudgingly. "I got a bad feeling about this." I said while cocking my gun.

chapter 7: Weaponry.

Chapter 7: Weaponry.

Chrysalis looked at me confused. "I never got a chance to ask, what are those things on your back? I know what the crossbow is, but the other thing..."

I looked back at her then turned the way we were heading. "This is the IMR Thunder Tusk. I think it fires some sort of bullet but I'm not sure, for all I know it could fire frozen orphan blood." I said emotionlessly. "Hey, what's that?" I said looking at some sort of castle. "Can

I plunder it? Can I, can I, can I, can I? Pleeeeaaase?"

*Sigh* "Fine, but I'm not promising there will be anything there." She said annoyed with my constant... Anything, really.

"Firstly, DON'T FUCKING SIGH AT ME. Secondly, I don't doubt it, buy hey ho we'll never know unless we check." I said running towards the castle.

As we entered, we say lots of old tapestries. This place really is like earth. "Well then. ADVENTURE AWAITS! ONWARD, MY STEED!" I said jumping on the pack of chrysalis. She instantly teleported away, making me fall and do the splits. "AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH! WHY IS IT ALWAYS MY NADS?!?" I screamed. "Anyway. Why haven't you been talking alot?"

"I've been TRYING to ignore you, But I guess that isn't happening!" She said to me through gritted teeth.

"Nope." I simply said, not finding a single fuck to give. *GASP* "Look over there! An unopened chest. What will be in it? Moneh? A really small naked asian woman? God I hope it's the second one." I said.

"what you don't realize it it's locke-" *SMASH* *crack* *klang* *SMASH*

"BEHOLD, IT'S... The fuck is that?" It was a rapier, light blue with a black handle along with an intricate design for the guard. "Ooh, cool. A sword. Shing shang slice SPLAT aaaaahhhhh, noooo please don't kill me senpa- blarg. Bored now." I said attaching the sword and it's sheath onto my belt.

"You're really weird, you know that?" Chrysalis said. Looking at me as if I was insane. Pfft. Imagine that. Me? Insane? What a laugh.

"So is your face, but you don't hear me complaining." I said looking away from her, arms crossed.

"Why you insolent little bastard. How dare you say that to me! I am a queen!" She shouted to me, a little miffed.

"Shh. You hear that? That's the sound of me not giving a fuck. If i did give a fuck, you would hear "oh yeah, oh yeah, hmm, oh yeah baby, John, I'm cumming." But you don't so I give absolutely zero fucks." I said walking down the hall. After a bit I fell down a hole and inti a room.

"Oh, What. The. FUCK?!? WHY IN THE FUCK IS THERE A GLORY HOLE DOWN HERE?" I shouted up to chrysalis. "THIS IS A CASTLE NOT A PUBLIC TOILET! I WILL REPEAT, WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A GLORY HOLE, IN A HOLE, IN A CORRIDOR, IN A FUCKING CASTLE?!?"

"Maybe Lulu was kinky, who knows?" She said calmly.

"Well? Let me out!" I shouted to her. "Wait a moment. I think I see something on the other side of the hole." I looked through the hole. "Hey chrysalis, there's something through this hole you might like." She came down and looked through and almost instantly looked away.

"That is a room full of dildos." She said to me.

"Yeah, I know. That's why I said you'd like it... Pfft."  I said, resting my laughter.

"You really believe i'm that depraved? I'm not going to use probably used dildos." She said to me with slitted eyes. Almost as sexy as her as- No. I need an adult. 'You are an adult, idiot.' 'Oh hey, jack of insanity. You ok?' 'I'm about as "ok" as you can be when you are a figment of someone's imagination.' 'Well, that's too bad.'

"Do I believe you are that you would use someone else's dildo? Yes. Are you that deprived? Yes." I said with half lidded eyes. "You know what I could go for? Meat! Some fucking steak! Chicken, fish, venison, human, I don't give a shit. I just want some fucking flesh!" I said almost drooling at the thought of a succulent medium rare steak, with some mushroom and chips. The chips having meat juice poured on them. A side to tomato sauce. HAHA made you hungry! Fuck! I'm hungry now, too!

"You and me too brother. Oof." I heard a deep, raspy voice say.

"Oi, chrysalis? You hear that?" I looked at her and she looked at me with a face of pure terror.

"Y-y-y-you helmet. It just talked. The mouth on it just talked!" She said backing away.

"Well, I guess the jigs up." I heard the helmet say. "Hi, I'm bruce. Your helmet."

"Cool! I got a talking helmet. He eats meat too! Awesome!" Just as I said that chrysalis backed up even more. "Guess you didn't think I ate meat, did you?" I said and she shook her head in the negative.

"Anyway, we better get going. By the way, If you're tired, I can take over the exo  and fight for you." Bruce said "personally i would rather rip out someones throat that shoot em, more blood that way."

"You. You are FUCKING AWESOME! Bruce, take over I'm gonna go to sleep for a bit." I told bruce.

"Sure thing boss, you can count on me." He said saluting as he took control of the exo.

"Nighy night, chryssy. Sweet dreams, sweet ass." I said.

"What did you just say?" She asked blushing

"What? Nothing. I just said sweet dreams, fuckin' weirdo." I said as I drifted off too sleep, leaving bruce in charge.

-dream world-

"~is it gonna be a wet dream, A nightmare, or maybe just a random~"

"A dream I shall be in." I turned and saw blue.

"My first assumption then."  I said. God I love fucking with people.

"No, a nightmare" she said her voice at the end of her sentence turning as deep as big bubba tyrone in the showers. Thank fuck I didn't drop the soap.

"Nope nope nope nope!" I said forcing myself awake.

'Well, I ain't getting any sleep.' I thought to myself.

'No, No you aren't'

'FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU'

chapter 8: OI! Who are you?

chapter 8: OI! Who are you?

As me and Chrissy, I found out she hates that name, walked through the forest we found really weird shit. Oh, you want me to explain? Fine. We say some chicken lizard thing that when Chrysalis looked into its eyes she started getting some STI or something, her hoof went grey and shit.

"John, we will get to the hive shortly." She told me.

Looking at her I said. "Are you sure this time, last three times you said that were hours ago. Can't we just set fire to somethings corpse and camp out?" I asked her, getting rather pissed off by the thistles that kept getting stuck to ALL my shit.

Sighing, she said. "Fine, but no, we can't set fire to somethings corpse." She said while being slightly miffed at my attitude and when I say miffed, I mean Jerma is miffed kinda miffed.

"How about those timber wolves, one of the shits bit me in the leg. Therefor it is only logical that as revenge, I burn them alive and nearly wankin' to the howles of pain.... Ok, that was fucked up, even by my standards."

"Yes John, yes it was." Bruce said

"Shut it, Bruce. Why do you even call yourself Bruce anyway?" I asked, tightening my gun in anger.

"Well, in a past life I was a shark by the name of Bruce. I was In a club actually, our motto was "fish are friends, not food."" He said, grinning.

"Your motto fuckin' sucks big sweaty dicks." I said. "And I'm gettin' real tired of your shit."

"Well I thought our motto was good." He said quietly, chrysalis was off to the side watching the spectacle unfold.

"No, you motto sucks. Why was it a past life you were a shark? Because you never ate any fucking meat." I said, Bruce stayed quiet at this. "Damn straight you shut your mouth."

"I'm really hungry." Chrissy said off to the side.

"Well when we get to your hive you gat fucking gorge off your sex slaves." I said with a snicker, laughing at my own joke.

"I told you, they are not sex slaves. We take the essence of love from them." She said sternly.

"And how many times do I have to tell you, the essence of love is cum, dirty bleach, fuck muck! Are any of these getting to you? Heh, Russell Howard. "Drinking pony fuck muck."" I laughed at the memory.

Chrissy looked at me strangely, before mouthing the words. "what the buck?"

"Anyway, as I was saying. How could they not b-" I was cut off by falling through the floor. "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed before falling through the canopy and falling on... Myself? Just for this to repeat itself another four times. Until there were four me's. We all hit the floor with our own grunt. I was the first to get up and said. "Alright, you may look like me nut I know you're not! I'll beat the shit out of you, I swear to god"

"AND WHO THE FUCK ARE Y-" he was going to say but I cut him off with a punch to the face.

"Hmm, interesting." One of the me's said. "It seems we have all fallen through portals to another dimension and or universe." He said looking at his arm.

"You shall be henceforth be known as doc! You science-y bastard!" I proclaimed pointing a shaky finger at him.

"Oh, um... Well. Hi. Me #4 said

"You, you shall be known as rule 63 human fluttershy!" I said making amazing names for all of them. "No, that will not do! Hmm. Do you mind having your name sound like a robot? Too bad! You are now R63HF!"

R63HF quietly said. "Oh.. Ok."

"Wait a moment, if this is another universe then where is this universe's us?" One of us said. The one I punched in the face. He is now normal norman.

"I... Don't know." I said before hearing panting grunts and moans along with wet slaps. With a devious smile, I said. "Hey everyone, this way. I think I hear something." As we went in the direction, we saw a sight... I am both aroused and disgusted. We say this world us with no clothes other than his helmet. Well, how do I put this? Fucking chrysalis like a fucking animal. "... You guys leave. I uh need to do something."

Norman faced me. "Do you really think we are that stupid?" Norman asked. "That's disgusting! You really want to masturbate to yourself fucking a horse?!?" Norman quietly shouted.

"... Yeah, I see no problem in it." I said simply. "Also, if I were to fuck one of you would it be gay sex or masturbation." I asked. To this doc answered "masturbation." Along with R63HF while norman said "gay sex." And the me having sex with chrysalis looked at us and did the masturbation hand gesture. We all went wide eyes when he looked at us. And while no-one could see it robot name was blushing like a big ass cherry.

"Well, he knew we were looking at him and didn't shop fucking. And oh my god, how long has he been fucking now? Fifteen minutes? How is it physically possible to do that?" I said confused as hell.

A suave voice said from the bushes. "Well, when you have a lot of practice you get better." He said with a deep voice, not super buff black guy, not squeaker, but somewhere in-between.

"Umm, well. May I ask a question?" R63HF said.

"Well yes, uhh. Me?" He said confused about the situation as all of us.

"Well, erm. You see, why didn't you mind us looking at you when you were well... You know." He asked shyly.

"Well, I guess that if you're me you've seen it all. So why would I bother?" He said while shrugging. We all stayed silent. "Really? None of you? You're twenty two! Get laid already!" He said.

Chrysalis walked out of the bushes and saw us all. "Really, five of you. Well today will be fun! I've got enough holes for all of you." She said with a wink. We all stared, mouth agape. "Oh come on, I'm usually the one that has their mouth open." She said.

"I have the most appropriate boner." I said holding my hips and pitching a sideways tent in my trousers... Moving swiftly on, we kept up out journey and eventually got to the hive. When we opened the passage way we all smelled death and decay. Unhappily, I said. "Well, there goes my boner."

Prologue

Prologue

"Yo Jack, you sure this is the right way?" I said as i was in my friend's car, a seat leon. Jack my best friend, that i knew the guy since i was six. God the memories we had, once we actually ('cuz we are absolute geniuses) made home made C4 and it set off car alarms in bloody trentham.

"Fuck me Johnny, yes i'm sure! Bloody hell!" He said in his sniper immitation voice from tf2.

"We're not at comicon yet mate, drop the accent." I simply said to him, his australian accent was so bad it nearly made my ears bleed. Well maybe that was an exaggeration, but it was still bloody bad.

He looked at me snickered and said "alright man, calm a' yo tits." He said back in his stoke accent, same as me. We were both born in stoke and never really left, we lived together in my grandfathers old house. He passed away in 2012, and my grandmother in 2016. Some say you can't live with life old friends but i beg to differ, we get along great.

After about 1.5 more hours of driving my blood brother finally said "Johnny, were here."

To which i replied with "Finally, hey you see that?"I said as i saw a call of duty stand.

"Yea, what about it?" He asked calmly.

I facepalmed and pointed to what was on the back seat. A full set of call of duty elite replica armor. It consisted of: an elite sentinel operator helmet, an elite atlas recon shirt, an elite sentinel operator loadout, elite KVA radical gloves, sentinel recon pants, elite orbital atlas shin guards, a pair of elite KVA radical boots and finally an elite atlas orbital exo which i made by finding a bunch of metal at the local scrap yard.

"Drop me off here, mate." I told him.

"Alright man, just meet me at the park later." He said as I got out of the car and went towards the booth, but not before getting changed into my anvanced warfare gear.

I hurriedly mad my way to the booth and first thing I saw was a crossbow, not just any crossbow though it was an elite advanced warfare crossbow. I just looked at the beautfull carving in the gold for a lengthy amount of time, before I realised how long I looked. I asked the salesman "how mutch for the crossbow there?"

The salesman looked at me, smiled and said "normally a hurndred pounds, but for you ill go seventy five and throw in a free acog and knife"

My face took an o shape and after a short while I asked "r-really man?"

"Oh yeah for that costume i'll go seventy five" he took the crossbow and knife off the wall, added the acog scope and gave it to me. At this point he was smilling evilly and said "enjoy"

Then i blacked out