A Joke Gone Too Farby NivarionChaptersWake up!BreakfastRarity and LunaCold EquationsWake up!Author's Note This started as 3 AM madness a few days ago. I have the beginning. I have the ending. What's in between makes your guess as good as mine. Also, as I'm editing this, I realize that I am a well and truly awful person. Especially to characters I like. Edit 5/29/2015 Alright, cleaned this up a little. Probably removed a hundred words and reformatted a few paragraphs. Looks much better to me. Wake up! Wake up call With a gasp, Twilight woke up, entangled in a terrible, unrelentingly quilted foe. After several seconds of impotent struggle, the offending covering fell from her bed in a heap leaving the alicorn a sweaty and slightly smelly mess atop her bed. Twilight brushed a few sweat plastered strands of mane from her face before declaring the obvious. " Celestia's backside! It's hot in here!" Twilight said, before noticing the other obvious thing. The sun shone brightly through the translucent walls of her new castle, telling her that it was well past her planned 7 AM wake up. In a new panic she threw herself from her bed, "Oh no! What time is it? I must have forgotten to set the alarm! I'm going to miss breakfast with Pi- AAAH!" The once defeated blanket had sought out it's revenge, and had hooked one of her forehooves, sending the princess sprawling to the floor, where on landing, she bit her tongue. "OW! Son of a! OW!" Twilight exclaimed as blood began to fill her mouth. "Why does that have to hurt so much?" She asked herself, making a new dash for the bathroom to rinse out her mouth. As luck would have it though, the door of the bathroom was locked when she got there. She banged a hoof against the door. There was a swish of water and a soft moan. "Sbike? Sbike arww you in the bafroom?" Great her tongue was swelling. "Eh..." The young dragon's voice floated from the other side. "Too hot. in bath." There was another swish of water, presumably Spike slipping back under the water. "Sbike! I neeb the bafroom!" Twilight said, knocking on the door again, but the drake didn't answer. "How do you even feew hot? You can sit in wava!" Well, if that was how he wanted to be. Twilight charged her horn and used her telekinesis to turn the lock from the other side, a moment later she was rinsing her mouth out with nice cool water. She already had a pounding headache though; a sign that she should go easy on the magic today. Twilight had over done it the night before, and if she wasn't careful she could cause a magic burn out. "AH! What the heck Twilight!" Spike shouted, coming up out of the water for air. "Can't a guy have some- ew..." Twilight spat a mouthful of bloody water into the sink and turned to look at spike. "What do you mean, ew?" She asked narrowing her eyes. Spike gripped the edge of the pewter tub and sat up. "Uh, you weren't by chance chewing any gum last night were you?" Twilight frowned. "Yes... no." Twilight closed her eyes and sighed. "Did you spit it out?" Spike asked, cruelly making his point. "No." Twilight said, feeling through her mane till she found it. A decent sized orange glob worked into the purple strands. With a groan Twilight leaned her head against the mirror. "Are we gonna have to cut your mane out?" Spike asked apprehensively. Twilight groaned. "I sure hope not. Last time this happened ponies were asking me if I had cancer for a month. She didn't want to move her head from the cool spot she had found, as a growing pain began to thump just behind the base of her horn. "I'll go see Rarity, or... Spike?" Twlight asked, realizing that a better idea had just presented itself."Will you got and get Rarity for me?" "But- But it's so hot out!" he whined. "I don't want to get out of the tub." Twilight got closer to him and put on her best puppy dog eyes."Spike? Please? for me?" she fluttered her eyelashes. "I'll let you spend the rest of the day with Rarity if you so choose." Spike's face lit up for a moment, before taking on a look of panic mixed with constipation. Twilight knew that face, but it was too late; a bright green fireball erupted with a loud belch from the dragons' mouth. A fireball That Twilight took right to the face. "WHY!" Twilight shouted, flailing her wings and hooves in different directions as her nose hairs were presumably sent to Celestia. The pain of the mild fireball to the face was soon outdone by the new and exciting sensation of a scroll materializing. Now while normally, the scroll materialized harmlessly in the epicenter of the fireball, the epicenter of this fireball had just happened to be Twilight's ear Canal. Also, her mane was on fire, which didn't help at all. Spike, always quick on his feet began splashing his bathwater at Twilight as quickly as he could. Half of the water in the claw footed bath tub flew, soaking the Alicorn, the rug and the floor. Fire now safely out, Twilight found herself lying on her side. Climbing to her feet, her magic plucked the offending letter from the places it should not have gone. With a groan she unrolled the soggy paper. Dearest Twilight Sparkle. How are you today? It has been a very long time since we have heard from you, our closest of fri- Unfortunately, that was all that could be read of Luna's immaculate handwriting as the ink was running at a rapid pace. "Really?" Since when does Luna just send us letters?" Twilight asked, slowly, looking in the mirror again and groaned. Well, at least the gum wasn't an issue any more. "Geeze Twilight, I'm really sorry!" Spike said, jumping from the tub. "I didn't feel that one coming at all! Do you need me to get the burn salve?" She shook her head. "No Spike, I don't think I'm burnt that badly. I'm still going to need Rarity, though for completely different reasons. Also, if you could swing past Sugar Cube Corner, and tell Pinkie that I'm gonna have to cancel today..." Twilight sighed and looked at her destroyed mane again. While she didn't place tons of emphasis on her looks, she still liked to look presentable. Which she for certain did not right now. "Yeah, I'll do that. Sorry Twilight." Spike said backing out of the room. "Also, it smells in here now. Not that that's your fault, it's totaly mine, so sorry about that." Well he was right about that. Right about the smell, it wasn't enteriely his fault. Well okay, it was mostly his fault, but he couldn't help it that he was used as a magical mailbox. "It's okay Spike, it was just an accident. Just... Just go get Rarity. I'm going to grab some breakfast and a shower." BreakfastTwilight sighed and looked in the mirror again. So today was off to a bad start, at least the rest of her day couldn't get any worse. Twilight brushed her teeth, taking great care to not disturb the spot of her tongue she had bit through, combed her mane and stepped out of the bathroom. As soon as she hit the air on the other side of the door, steam began to rise from her coat. Really, crystal was a horrible construction material. The the whole thing rang like a bell whenever Derpy delivered a package, the whole of the upper floors acted like a giant greenhouse and the floor got horribly slick when wet. Though maybe the heating problem could be solved some minor enchantments. Maybe she could harness water vapor to cool the castle? Thoughts of a possible air conditioning device filling her mind, Twilight continued on her way downstairs to the kitchens for some much needed food. Unfortunately she was following in the steps of a very wet dragon as he walked on a staircase made of pure crystal. In her distracted state Twilight stepped in a a puddle and for the third time that day found herself in gravity's unforgiving steely grasp as she fell head over hooves down the stairs. Instinctively the Alicorn grabbed her magic and made a teleport for the safe room. The next few seconds were strange. First was a sensation, very much like having a hammer smash into her horn, followed by a loud ringing and the smell of copper and sulfur. Following that sensation was one that felt like bouncing off of a step and ending with a sensation akin to slamming into a wall at full speed. While the three were common to magical burn out, the second two were common to falling down stairs and slamming into a wall. "Well, at least it won't get any worse than this." she to herself, unaware of how creative the evil bastard controlling her reality could be.. Slowly and carefully Twilight stood. Beyond having banged up her flanks pretty bad, she wasn't too bad off for having fallen down the stairs. Her cutie mark might have some extra purple thrown in for few days though. Of much worse concern was the anvil chorus being actively rehearsed inside of her head that told her that she'd burned herself out... again, and would be going without magic for a couple of days while her thaumaturgic well recovered. While that was a pain in the plot, it wasn't something Twilight would really concern herself with on an empty stomach. So onward to the kitchen! Twilight's stomach rumbled as she entered the clean new kitchen. The kitchen the Tree of Harmony had built for her was quite frankly absurd, larger even than the kitchens of Canterlot Castle. The room echoed like a cave. It was empty, due to the re-re-re-re building of Ponyville under her direction, combined with the number of experiments Twilight had been working on and the number of replacement books to hunt down. Twilight limped her way towards the coffee pot on the far side the room and started a small one of her favorite blend. Next to the pantry for a bowl and the last little bit of her favorite cereal, bran flakes with freeze dried strawberries and a light frosty coating to add just that needed touch of sweetness. Pouring carefully Twilight managed to get the last of it out without getting any of those nasty crumbs in the that made a nasty mush in the bottom of the bowl, quite an achievement for somepony not used to using her mouth for such an activity. After that she set the bowl on the table, retrieved the milk from the icebox and put it next to the cereal as her coffee finished perk'ing. Twilight poured a mug, managing to only spill a little, and opened the cupboard above the coffee machine to get the sugar and creamer down with careful hooves before using her magic to shut the cupboard. Coffee was a drink that not everypony enjoyed, though there were hundreds of ways to have it. Twilight had found her favorite years ago; drown the drink in sugar and cream. Yes, that was the best way to enjoy such a wonderful morning ritual. After several seconds of pouring the sugar, it looked like there finally was enough. No, Twilight did not put too much sugar in her coffee, as had been suggested last weekend by a certain pink mare. A suggestion that had appalled Twilight, when she considered who was making it. Nearly doubling the volume of the cup with warm cream, Twilight stirred the lovely drink and took a deep whiff of it. Her favorite grind, imported from Coltlumbia, and roasted to a dark brown. Twilight, picked up the saucer in mouth and turned to walk to the table. But instead of getting to the table, Twilight instead got an eyefull of the corner of a cupboard door. The cupboard rudely reminding her that she had not shut with magic, on account of having no magic. Hot coffee splashed up and over her face, and the burns she already had, causing the Alicorn to cry out as her senses were assaulted again with unexpected pain. "Why!" Twilight cried as she tried to wipe the burning, yet richly flavored and expensive, fluid from her face. As she did so her back hoof slipped in the coffee on the floor, depositing her on the floor with all the grace one would expect of a princess... A princess charading a tree after an appointment with a lumberjack. A new pain made itself known to Equestria's newest ruler as shards of a once favorite 'Most Faithful Student' mug were introduced to space below said ruler's skin. "GAH!" Twilight cried out, rolling off of the offending mess. She'd clean that latter. First, she had to stand and get at least one shard of invading material from her backside. Standing to make use of the sunlight shining through the kitchen window, Twilight looked over her shoulder to begin removing the bits and pieces. She had no sooner finished removing the last piece of white porcelain when the muscles of her neck cramped hard. Puling her neck hard to get said cramps out, Twilight's face and the cupboard had a joyful and heartfelt reunion before her face remembered why it had left the abusive cabinet in the first place. Twilight yelped, holding a hoof over the other eye. "Wow, one of those days huh?" she asked herself, carefully pouring and preparing another mug of morning fixer. "Well, I'll show this day! I'm going to enjoy my coffee, and have a good rest of the day!" she said to no one in particular. Twilight made it to the table with the other half of her joe safely this time, settled down with her food and poured in the milk. She'd probably be able to finish that, get upstairs and have a nice shower before Spike came back with Rarity. With an excited smile, she took the first bite. Then the smile went flat, followed by a scrunch. She had been expecting a wonderfully crunchy experience with a light hint of strawberries set in against the mild flavor of whole milk. What she got instead was wonderfully crunchy with a hint of Strawberries and the powerful kick to the teeth of curdling milk. "Bleh!" Twilight spat the spoon of ruined food back into it's bowl and looked at the gallon. The expiration was for nearly a week out. Shaking her head, Twilight grabbed her cup of coffee and took a nice sip of it. Though for the second time that morning, coffee proved to itself to be an enemy of the state as it betrayed the purple pony princess. Pain flooded her mouth, radiating out from the spot where she had but her tongue earlier. In an instinctive action that would make Rarity faint, Twilight did a full spit take all over the floor. Breakfast ruined forever, Twilight ran at full tilt to the sink to get a sip of something to cool the terrible burning sensation, when again Twilight lost her footing, flipped head over heels and slit across the floor till she came to a rest against the wall of the kitchen. "I'm sensing a theme." Twilight said dryly. "Yes indeed, Twilight Sparkle! You seem to be having a really exciting day!" Twlight groaned as Discord flew over her in a jetpack. "My oh my! This could be really fun to watch! Too bad I can't though." "Discord!" Twilight shouted from her weak position on the floor. "You're behind this? How could you! I thought you learned your lesson about this type of thing!" Twilight shouted, as the Draconequus landed, though some of her thunder was stolen by her belly up position. "Twilight, I'm absolutely hurt!" Discord said, clutching his mismatched hands to his chest. "Why how could you just rip my poor heart like that?" As he said it, Discord pulled his heart from his chest. The heard was dressed in ragged clothes with an overgrown beard and a "Will beat for friendship" sign in it's little heart arms. "Oh the agony!" Discord said throwing his hobo heart over his shoulder. "But in reality, I just want to deliver a message to good friend of mine, from a good friend of mine. It shoul-" "I"m not in the mood for your games today Discord! GET OUT!" Twilight would have hit him a magic bolt, but she couldn't . "JUst leave me aLONE!" Discord blinked and his mouth hung open. "But... But I did-" "OUT!" Twilight shouted and with a snap and a loud raspberry Discord vanished, leaving Twilight staring at the ceiling. Author's Note Is this funny? I can't tell, it's 5:30, and I can't sleep. Ponies plague my mind, dancing a horrible dance with my OC characters of bugging me every time I try to sleep. I was going somewhere with this, but right now, I can't remember where. Sadly, most of this chapter is based on personal experience(s) Ah well. I'm gonna post it anyways, because I'm insane. Rarity and LunaTwilight took a deep breath to calm fraying nerves. Discord had really crossed the line on this last set of pranks, and she knew that she would have to talk with Fluttershy about reigning him in. With a groan and the protest of muscles that had taken a few too many impacts for the day, Twilight rolled over and began climbing to her hooves. On later recollection, the next event would always be a mystery. Twilight wasn't a fan of spicy foods. And Spike couldn't tell if what he was eating was spicy. Not only that, but the counters were clean and the cabinets closed. So it came as a massive surprise to Twilight when a jar of ground Cayenne pepper fell from fell from somewhere on high to smash on the counter, inches from her nose. She blinked once, as the sensation of glass shards and red hot pepper on her sensitive corneas registered. It didn't hurt, not at first, instead Twilight stood stone still, eyes open wide, as they slowly began to water and turn red. "Ehhhhhh." she squeaked out. "OH! AHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHH!" She began to shout, and then, the shout turned into a full on shriek as she finally began to run. Muscle memory took over, and she began to run towards her laboratory and the mercy of the eye wash station that was there, still shrieking as she ran. Through the watering of her eyes she could see the door ahead. It was never locked nor latched, so she ran full into it. But the door didn't move. Something warm and heavy settling around the Princess, She tried to back away from the wall, but it seemed her horn had become lodged in the door and no matter how she twisted her horn she couldn't budge it. "What is going on!" she shouted as tears flushed down her snout. Her eyes burned so much! "Twilight!" Spike shouted, "Why are you stuck to the wall?" He asked as a magical glow surrounded Twilight and pulled her away. "Darling! Whatever happened?" Rarity asked "You've destroyed this fine tapestry of Celestia and- Oh my, your eyes! And your Mane!" A moment later Spike was pushing Twilight along and finally, after suffering that torture too long Twilight found her head over the eye wash. After a long moment with the cool water soothing her searing eyes Twilight stepped back, eyes still closed tightly. "Spike, towel please." she said. "Here you go Twilight!" Spike said. Twilight stepped forward and buried her face in the towel. It must have been one of the new ones Celestia had gifted them, because it was remarkably soft and silky... And warm... And quite firm... And caused Rarity to squeak. "Uh- Twilight?" Spike said from behind her. Cracking one eye open all Twilight could see was a single blue diamond. Face flushing Twilight took a step back from Rarity's butt, leaving a wet implant of her face right along the Cutie Mark. Two mares and a dragon stood in embarrassed silence for a moment, each trying to out blush the others. "Right... Well I can see this hasn't been your day, Darling, So let us never speak of this again. Why were you pinned to the wall?" Twilight looked at the floor and kicked a hoof. "I thought it was a door." Rarity raised an eyebrow. "You thought... That a tasteful tapestry of Celestia was a door?" "I had Cayenne pepper in my eyes!" Twilight said to her own defense. "And that's where the door was in Golden Oaks." "Where did you get Cayenne pepper?" Spike asked. "I mean, I don't think anypony we know even uses it." "I don't know." Twilight said, flopping in a chair. "I thought this day was out to get me at first. But then Discord showed up..." Twilight said. "I think he threw the pepper at me when I yelled at him." "Oh my!" Rarity said. "Are you sure? I mean, I know he's got an ornery streak but that seems a little too cruel for him." Twilight scowled and blew a crispy strand of mane out of her face "Well I can't explain it any other way. He might be reformed but he was still evil not too long ago. I think he's just trying to get this out of his system." Twilight said, maybe a bit harder than needed. "Geeze Twi. Angry much?" Spike said, dragging a stool over to the chairs to watch the two of them work. "I am not angry." Twilight said. "Just a little frustrated. It's been a rough twenty minutes since I woke up." Rarity muttered something as she began digging over Twilight's mane. After a bit she gave a little "tut tut" and stepped down. "Twilight, I have a solution for your mane." she said. "But you need to go see the nurse about those burns. It looks like your burns have burns of their own! It simply will not do to have those get infected." Twilight rolled her eyes. "Rarity, I've been burned plenty. These ones are not that bad." "You have a blister by your ear. They are plenty bad enough." Rarity shot back with a stomp of the hoof, declaring the finality of her judgement. "Since your luck seems to be out so far today, I will walk you there to ensure no harm befalls you." She began to prod her friend to get up when the door exploded open. Luna's hoof nearly cracked the door she hit it so hard. The heavy hardwood door bounced off the wall and returned on well oiled hinges to crack the Lunar princess in the snout hard enough that it broke through the door. "Ouch." She said flatly. The door appeared stuck Twilight, Rarity and Spike jumped to their respective hooves and feet with unison cries of worry. "Stay where you are Twilight Sparkle." Luna said commandingly. "We have endured this curse many times, and have adjusted well. But thou art on thine first round, and should refrain from risking thy health." As she said this, Luna finally managed to dislodge her face from the door. She stepped inside. Rarity winced, Spike coughed and Twilight raised and eyebrow. Luna had a tennis ball impaled on her horn, she was wearing knee pads. Around her ears was a garland made of four leaf clovers, a pair of lucky horseshoes hung around her neck. A tattered jacket hung to her barrel by it's last thread. A dream catcher hung from a wing, though the other was in a sling. She had a silver crown on her head, with several lesser gemstones and an acorn mounted prominently on the front. Crowning it all off was a cage strapped to her head with a single live cricket inside. Rarity softly muttered something about "quite the fashion statement" "We see that thou didst not take our advice to simply stay in bed. Though we are most curious, why did you drive away Discord who I sent to help you?" Luna said with a frown and a disproving tone. Twilight blinked. "What?" Twilight asked as the older Alicorn began to walk across the room. She slipped on only Celestia know's what as she walked and nearly banged her chin on the hard floor. "It is the day of the Curse. A thing which my sister has neglected to warn you of at thy ascension. We can understand how it would would slip her mind as they are rare. Are you hurt?" Luna said, her dialect shifting between the early and current modern Equulish. Twilight's mind caught up quickly, sending her reeling. "Wait, what? Alicorns are cursed? How does that even happen?" Luna sat down on an open chair and sighed. A moment later the chair collapsed, but the Princess of the Night didn't seem to notice. "It is a long and complicated tale Twilight Sparkle, fraught with sorrow and anger. One which my Sister and I are mostly responsible for." Twilight grimaced at the broken furniture. "I think we have the time. Go ahead and tell it." Rarity said, finding a seat of her own as her and Spike focused eyes on Luna. "Very well." Luna said. "It starts nearly four hundred years before my fall into Nightmare Moon. Celestia and I were much more rambunctious in those days." Luna began with a soft smile. "We were just getting to know Star Swirl the bearded. He had always been a very funny maa- Ahem, stallion. He did present many funny nicknames for himself. But when-" She paused for a bit. "Uh, yes well he went through some changes and he kept referring to himself by one of his titles he had gained long ago. 'The oncoming storm.'" she smiled "We had... Replicated a story of his, disguising ourselves as old foes of his. His descriptions of his foes were never intimidating, but it startled him badly, as they resemble salt shakers. I am sure I saw his beard turn whiter at the prank-" Twilight cut her off with a "Whoa whoa whoa. I've read every book on Star Swirl the bearded. None of them ever mentioned an enemy or him spouting off strange titles for himself. And Salt Shakers? Really?" Luna rolled her eyes. "Yes, really. Needless to say, he did not enjoy the prank and decided to pull one himself. He cursed us, so that on a random day all Alicorns would suffer horrible luck. He told us that if we paid attention we would see the pattern and be able to end the curse on our own. We have set many great minds to solving this problem over the centuries, but none have been able to end it." Everyone sat in silence for a moment, until Spike finally broke it. "Uhm, is that all of it?" Luna nodded. "That wasn't a long story, Luna." "So he left no hints on breaking this curse?" Rarity asked. "That's simply dreadful, poor Twilight and Cadance did nothing to suffer for this. Even if they had, this is an absurdly disproportionate retribution. If I could give him a piece of my mind." She said, turning her nose up. Luna smiled. "If I could give you his address." she said, then paused. "I meant- Uhm, uh-" She was looking for words. Twilight and Spike caught on at the same time. "Did you imply he's still alive?" They said 'still alive' in unison. Luna shook his head. "No- No I uhm... It was a joke see? hahaha, yes. We must keep our spirits up in these trying times." Twilight frowned and climbed from her chair. "No. You just said that he has an address. That means he's still living. I want to know where he is." Her eyes wide with the prospect of meeting a unicorn who had understood the warping of time and space on such a degree that he could escape the ravages of over a thousand years. Luna frowned and seemed to shrink before the fanatical purple princess. "It is- uhm, a state secret?" Twilight's smile grew, bizarrely wide and disturbing under burns and a pair of black eyes. "I am a fully raised Alicorn princess- on equal authority to you and Celestia by your own admissions. Do you really think that's going to work?" With a mighty 'Pop' Luna vanished. "You can run Luna! But I'll find out eventually!" Twilight shouted at the empty room. As her maniacal laughter began to rise to the ceiling, Rarity and Spike slipped their way out of the room. Author's Note Okay, one more short chapter to finish this. Hopefully with the recent editing this is a little more cohesive. Cold EquationsTwilight switched the cold compress to her other eye, knocking the large hat Rarity had gifted her to the floor again. She was pouring over hundreds of ancient records and documents about the Alicorn Curse. Every detail about dozens of the 'Curse Day's' as well as every minutia of Celestia and Luna's lives for years. What they ate, what they wore, how many injuries they sustained on the cursed days, the temperature of all the days of the following years. Twilight stood, dusted off the hat and placed it back on her head. It had probably been a day since the curse had acted up. Time Turner was probably the only pony in town who knew exactly, what all with his talent for time. Celestia had burned herself out when she had been struck by lightening at the raising of the sun, and Luna... Twilight shook her head, Luna had somehow made an impossible teleport, even for an Alicorn, and was stuck on the moon. Or so said the letter she sent through Spike. It was going to be three days at least before Twilight, Cadance and Celestia were ready to bring her back. With three Alicorns unable to move the sun or moon, and Cadance not being strong enough to do it on her own; The Celestial bodies had been stationary for too long now. Celestia had shown concern when Twilight had asked for every piece of information on the curse. And going over it again, Twilight could see why it was a problem. The curse didn't happen on the same day of any year. And the interval between them was inconsistent, varying between three years and, once, sixty days. There seemed to be no correlation between any of the events, though the interval had been shorter when Luna had been banished. The sixty day gap was of interest, but the only thing unusual about that year had been the war campaign Celestia had lead, and the late spring after. But the war fought four years later had had no effect on the curse, and five years after that was the coldest since Hearths Warming, and it was almost three years until the next one. Twilight was going over every detail again when the bell rang, announcing a patron of the library was entering. Thankful for the distraction she looked up at the mass of approaching books balanced on Time Turner's back. "Oh! Hey, how are you?" she asked. "Still just flipping through them?" He nodded. "But not all. Been reading to Dinky and she needs me to slow down. Though that's dreadfully boring. How can normal ponies stand to read so slow?" he said, depositing the pile on the return counter. Twilight grinned and forced herself not to roll her eyes. The local clock maker claimed he could read an entire book in seconds by flipping through its pages a couple of times. He was obviously well read, but it seemed off putting to her that a married stallion would be trying to impress her so. "So what's new in here?" he asked, picking up an unmarked book and flipping through it. "Oh that's interesting. Derpy would love that one." he said, throwing it on his back. "Oh, just trying to solve a thousand year old puzzle." Twilight said, looking back at the piles of old books Celestia had mailed to her. "But I think I see why it's been sitting around for so long." "Really what- Oh my! Your face? What happened?" Time Turner said, approaching the table. Twilight rolled her eyes, but he probably didn't see that with one being covered and the other swollen. "Luna and Celestia pulled some dumb prank of Star Swirl the Bearded a long time ago and he cursed all Alicorns with terrible luck one day out of a variable period." Twilight said. "Since I'm an Alicorn now I got to participate." she said before adding a flat "yay." "Oh yeah, I remember that. They dressed up like Daleks and scared the life out of him. Wait that curse is still going?" he said, eyebrows knitting. "I thought it was broken already. I mean it's not that complicated. The next one happens on a function of the average number of injuries sustained by all Alicorns multiplied by the average temperature in centegrade of their plots on the following April the First; with the output being days. You'd think in fourteen hundred years they'd have figured that one out by now." Twilight blinked and looked at the numbers again. During the short cycle Celestia had been at campaign, in the field on a snowy April first, the longest year Celestia had been in Saddle Arabia during the First. It looked terribly plausible. "But- how in the wide world of Equestria is anypony supposed to figure that out?" Twilight asked "How the buck did you figure it out?" she said pointing. Time Turner's eyes went wide before he regained his composure. "Twilight, my special talent is time, mathematics and machinery. And uh, I studied this once before. If I had known you'd have been affected by it, I would have told them how to break it. You're too nice a pony to have to deal with this." Twilight's mouth scrunched. "And Celestia's not?" TT grinned. "Celestia has a mean streak. She certainly loves to troll a pony or two. She had it coming." he shrugged. "I think I'm going to pass on checking anything out today. You have a nice day Twilight." he put the book back on the counter gently and began to walk towards the door. Twilight's mind raced a moment. "Wait!" She said. "Time Turner, this is going to sound crazy.... Okay, you know what. Never mind, I just heard myself in my own head, and yeah, it's reaaaly crazy." He grinned. "That's not terribly new. But just ask anyways." Twilight took a deep breath, ignoring the barb, he was a pony who had a way of needling information he wanted out of you, so she had to tell him. He also was the type of pony to figure out what you were going to say well before you said it. "Uh, okay, I know it's crazy, but... Are you- uh, are you Star Swirl the Bearded?" His laugh was almost too quick. "Nah, now that is crazy. I mean, I'd have to be a centuries old shape shifting alien with an odd physiology- like say, having two hearts; to be Star Swirl. And that's just silly. Have a good day, Miss Sparkle." and with a little skip he was gone, leaving Twilight very puzzled. "what an odd stallion." she said to herself, before turning to check his theory. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Several months later, on April the First, in the year of 1002 Reign of Celestia, or year 1652, Reign of the Two Sisters, or as it would later be referred to, The Second Year of Redemption, one would be able to see an odd sight outside the Crystal empire. Just a short mile from the gleaming walls of the beautiful city was a block of ice ten feet tall, fifteen feet wide and twenty feet long. But what's interesting about a block of ice? Nothing really, that's what. But for reasons that outsiders would never truly understand, five enormously powerful beings gathered around this block. Celestia, Luna, Cadance and Twilight all shot a dirty scowl at Discord, before all four of them blinked in surprise at the flash of a camera he had just conjured. "I really must save this moment forever." he said to nopony in particular. "I mean, i have heard ponies complain about freezing their plot of, but this? I mean, Celly, good old princess Sunbutt herself." he broke up laughing. "I always knew you were cold ass honkey." he roared in laughter at his own awful pun. He conjured a box of popcorn and began munching, reclining in a floating chair with a cup of Coco on the side, and a hot water bottle obviously under his posterior. The four Alicorns grit their teeth at his constant badgering, which had started not long after sun up. "Hey Luna, why did the mare look behind her?" he asked, but didn't wait for a response "To make sure she hadn't frozen her plot off!" he laughed again. "That's it. I'm killing him." Cadance said, standing up, only to be grabbed by three magical auras at once and forced back into sitting as the three other mares shouted "No!" all at once. "Let me at him!" Cadance shouted, firing off a magical bolt that bent around the god of chaos. "Yes my pretties!" he said, throwing popcorn at them. "Fight for my amusement!" "You know- y-yu-you're going to p-p-pay f-f-f-f-or this latter?" Luna asked. "Yes well, that's future Discord's problem. Oh, I just thought of one!" he announced, floating closer to the four fuming mares. "What do you get from sitting on ice for too long?" he paused "Polar-oids!" Discord began a howling laughter while slapping his knees as the four of them groaned. "Polar-oids. You know, I combined Polar with Hemeroids! It's funny!" It was going to be a long wait till midnight. Author's Note Reworked the ending somewhat. I like this one more. Also, chapter name is a reference to an old sci-fi fic by Tom Godwin.
Wake up!Author's Note This started as 3 AM madness a few days ago. I have the beginning. I have the ending. What's in between makes your guess as good as mine. Also, as I'm editing this, I realize that I am a well and truly awful person. Especially to characters I like. Edit 5/29/2015 Alright, cleaned this up a little. Probably removed a hundred words and reformatted a few paragraphs. Looks much better to me. Wake up! Wake up call With a gasp, Twilight woke up, entangled in a terrible, unrelentingly quilted foe. After several seconds of impotent struggle, the offending covering fell from her bed in a heap leaving the alicorn a sweaty and slightly smelly mess atop her bed. Twilight brushed a few sweat plastered strands of mane from her face before declaring the obvious. " Celestia's backside! It's hot in here!" Twilight said, before noticing the other obvious thing. The sun shone brightly through the translucent walls of her new castle, telling her that it was well past her planned 7 AM wake up. In a new panic she threw herself from her bed, "Oh no! What time is it? I must have forgotten to set the alarm! I'm going to miss breakfast with Pi- AAAH!" The once defeated blanket had sought out it's revenge, and had hooked one of her forehooves, sending the princess sprawling to the floor, where on landing, she bit her tongue. "OW! Son of a! OW!" Twilight exclaimed as blood began to fill her mouth. "Why does that have to hurt so much?" She asked herself, making a new dash for the bathroom to rinse out her mouth. As luck would have it though, the door of the bathroom was locked when she got there. She banged a hoof against the door. There was a swish of water and a soft moan. "Sbike? Sbike arww you in the bafroom?" Great her tongue was swelling. "Eh..." The young dragon's voice floated from the other side. "Too hot. in bath." There was another swish of water, presumably Spike slipping back under the water. "Sbike! I neeb the bafroom!" Twilight said, knocking on the door again, but the drake didn't answer. "How do you even feew hot? You can sit in wava!" Well, if that was how he wanted to be. Twilight charged her horn and used her telekinesis to turn the lock from the other side, a moment later she was rinsing her mouth out with nice cool water. She already had a pounding headache though; a sign that she should go easy on the magic today. Twilight had over done it the night before, and if she wasn't careful she could cause a magic burn out. "AH! What the heck Twilight!" Spike shouted, coming up out of the water for air. "Can't a guy have some- ew..." Twilight spat a mouthful of bloody water into the sink and turned to look at spike. "What do you mean, ew?" She asked narrowing her eyes. Spike gripped the edge of the pewter tub and sat up. "Uh, you weren't by chance chewing any gum last night were you?" Twilight frowned. "Yes... no." Twilight closed her eyes and sighed. "Did you spit it out?" Spike asked, cruelly making his point. "No." Twilight said, feeling through her mane till she found it. A decent sized orange glob worked into the purple strands. With a groan Twilight leaned her head against the mirror. "Are we gonna have to cut your mane out?" Spike asked apprehensively. Twilight groaned. "I sure hope not. Last time this happened ponies were asking me if I had cancer for a month. She didn't want to move her head from the cool spot she had found, as a growing pain began to thump just behind the base of her horn. "I'll go see Rarity, or... Spike?" Twlight asked, realizing that a better idea had just presented itself."Will you got and get Rarity for me?" "But- But it's so hot out!" he whined. "I don't want to get out of the tub." Twilight got closer to him and put on her best puppy dog eyes."Spike? Please? for me?" she fluttered her eyelashes. "I'll let you spend the rest of the day with Rarity if you so choose." Spike's face lit up for a moment, before taking on a look of panic mixed with constipation. Twilight knew that face, but it was too late; a bright green fireball erupted with a loud belch from the dragons' mouth. A fireball That Twilight took right to the face. "WHY!" Twilight shouted, flailing her wings and hooves in different directions as her nose hairs were presumably sent to Celestia. The pain of the mild fireball to the face was soon outdone by the new and exciting sensation of a scroll materializing. Now while normally, the scroll materialized harmlessly in the epicenter of the fireball, the epicenter of this fireball had just happened to be Twilight's ear Canal. Also, her mane was on fire, which didn't help at all. Spike, always quick on his feet began splashing his bathwater at Twilight as quickly as he could. Half of the water in the claw footed bath tub flew, soaking the Alicorn, the rug and the floor. Fire now safely out, Twilight found herself lying on her side. Climbing to her feet, her magic plucked the offending letter from the places it should not have gone. With a groan she unrolled the soggy paper. Dearest Twilight Sparkle. How are you today? It has been a very long time since we have heard from you, our closest of fri- Unfortunately, that was all that could be read of Luna's immaculate handwriting as the ink was running at a rapid pace. "Really?" Since when does Luna just send us letters?" Twilight asked, slowly, looking in the mirror again and groaned. Well, at least the gum wasn't an issue any more. "Geeze Twilight, I'm really sorry!" Spike said, jumping from the tub. "I didn't feel that one coming at all! Do you need me to get the burn salve?" She shook her head. "No Spike, I don't think I'm burnt that badly. I'm still going to need Rarity, though for completely different reasons. Also, if you could swing past Sugar Cube Corner, and tell Pinkie that I'm gonna have to cancel today..." Twilight sighed and looked at her destroyed mane again. While she didn't place tons of emphasis on her looks, she still liked to look presentable. Which she for certain did not right now. "Yeah, I'll do that. Sorry Twilight." Spike said backing out of the room. "Also, it smells in here now. Not that that's your fault, it's totaly mine, so sorry about that." Well he was right about that. Right about the smell, it wasn't enteriely his fault. Well okay, it was mostly his fault, but he couldn't help it that he was used as a magical mailbox. "It's okay Spike, it was just an accident. Just... Just go get Rarity. I'm going to grab some breakfast and a shower."
BreakfastTwilight sighed and looked in the mirror again. So today was off to a bad start, at least the rest of her day couldn't get any worse. Twilight brushed her teeth, taking great care to not disturb the spot of her tongue she had bit through, combed her mane and stepped out of the bathroom. As soon as she hit the air on the other side of the door, steam began to rise from her coat. Really, crystal was a horrible construction material. The the whole thing rang like a bell whenever Derpy delivered a package, the whole of the upper floors acted like a giant greenhouse and the floor got horribly slick when wet. Though maybe the heating problem could be solved some minor enchantments. Maybe she could harness water vapor to cool the castle? Thoughts of a possible air conditioning device filling her mind, Twilight continued on her way downstairs to the kitchens for some much needed food. Unfortunately she was following in the steps of a very wet dragon as he walked on a staircase made of pure crystal. In her distracted state Twilight stepped in a a puddle and for the third time that day found herself in gravity's unforgiving steely grasp as she fell head over hooves down the stairs. Instinctively the Alicorn grabbed her magic and made a teleport for the safe room. The next few seconds were strange. First was a sensation, very much like having a hammer smash into her horn, followed by a loud ringing and the smell of copper and sulfur. Following that sensation was one that felt like bouncing off of a step and ending with a sensation akin to slamming into a wall at full speed. While the three were common to magical burn out, the second two were common to falling down stairs and slamming into a wall. "Well, at least it won't get any worse than this." she to herself, unaware of how creative the evil bastard controlling her reality could be.. Slowly and carefully Twilight stood. Beyond having banged up her flanks pretty bad, she wasn't too bad off for having fallen down the stairs. Her cutie mark might have some extra purple thrown in for few days though. Of much worse concern was the anvil chorus being actively rehearsed inside of her head that told her that she'd burned herself out... again, and would be going without magic for a couple of days while her thaumaturgic well recovered. While that was a pain in the plot, it wasn't something Twilight would really concern herself with on an empty stomach. So onward to the kitchen! Twilight's stomach rumbled as she entered the clean new kitchen. The kitchen the Tree of Harmony had built for her was quite frankly absurd, larger even than the kitchens of Canterlot Castle. The room echoed like a cave. It was empty, due to the re-re-re-re building of Ponyville under her direction, combined with the number of experiments Twilight had been working on and the number of replacement books to hunt down. Twilight limped her way towards the coffee pot on the far side the room and started a small one of her favorite blend. Next to the pantry for a bowl and the last little bit of her favorite cereal, bran flakes with freeze dried strawberries and a light frosty coating to add just that needed touch of sweetness. Pouring carefully Twilight managed to get the last of it out without getting any of those nasty crumbs in the that made a nasty mush in the bottom of the bowl, quite an achievement for somepony not used to using her mouth for such an activity. After that she set the bowl on the table, retrieved the milk from the icebox and put it next to the cereal as her coffee finished perk'ing. Twilight poured a mug, managing to only spill a little, and opened the cupboard above the coffee machine to get the sugar and creamer down with careful hooves before using her magic to shut the cupboard. Coffee was a drink that not everypony enjoyed, though there were hundreds of ways to have it. Twilight had found her favorite years ago; drown the drink in sugar and cream. Yes, that was the best way to enjoy such a wonderful morning ritual. After several seconds of pouring the sugar, it looked like there finally was enough. No, Twilight did not put too much sugar in her coffee, as had been suggested last weekend by a certain pink mare. A suggestion that had appalled Twilight, when she considered who was making it. Nearly doubling the volume of the cup with warm cream, Twilight stirred the lovely drink and took a deep whiff of it. Her favorite grind, imported from Coltlumbia, and roasted to a dark brown. Twilight, picked up the saucer in mouth and turned to walk to the table. But instead of getting to the table, Twilight instead got an eyefull of the corner of a cupboard door. The cupboard rudely reminding her that she had not shut with magic, on account of having no magic. Hot coffee splashed up and over her face, and the burns she already had, causing the Alicorn to cry out as her senses were assaulted again with unexpected pain. "Why!" Twilight cried as she tried to wipe the burning, yet richly flavored and expensive, fluid from her face. As she did so her back hoof slipped in the coffee on the floor, depositing her on the floor with all the grace one would expect of a princess... A princess charading a tree after an appointment with a lumberjack. A new pain made itself known to Equestria's newest ruler as shards of a once favorite 'Most Faithful Student' mug were introduced to space below said ruler's skin. "GAH!" Twilight cried out, rolling off of the offending mess. She'd clean that latter. First, she had to stand and get at least one shard of invading material from her backside. Standing to make use of the sunlight shining through the kitchen window, Twilight looked over her shoulder to begin removing the bits and pieces. She had no sooner finished removing the last piece of white porcelain when the muscles of her neck cramped hard. Puling her neck hard to get said cramps out, Twilight's face and the cupboard had a joyful and heartfelt reunion before her face remembered why it had left the abusive cabinet in the first place. Twilight yelped, holding a hoof over the other eye. "Wow, one of those days huh?" she asked herself, carefully pouring and preparing another mug of morning fixer. "Well, I'll show this day! I'm going to enjoy my coffee, and have a good rest of the day!" she said to no one in particular. Twilight made it to the table with the other half of her joe safely this time, settled down with her food and poured in the milk. She'd probably be able to finish that, get upstairs and have a nice shower before Spike came back with Rarity. With an excited smile, she took the first bite. Then the smile went flat, followed by a scrunch. She had been expecting a wonderfully crunchy experience with a light hint of strawberries set in against the mild flavor of whole milk. What she got instead was wonderfully crunchy with a hint of Strawberries and the powerful kick to the teeth of curdling milk. "Bleh!" Twilight spat the spoon of ruined food back into it's bowl and looked at the gallon. The expiration was for nearly a week out. Shaking her head, Twilight grabbed her cup of coffee and took a nice sip of it. Though for the second time that morning, coffee proved to itself to be an enemy of the state as it betrayed the purple pony princess. Pain flooded her mouth, radiating out from the spot where she had but her tongue earlier. In an instinctive action that would make Rarity faint, Twilight did a full spit take all over the floor. Breakfast ruined forever, Twilight ran at full tilt to the sink to get a sip of something to cool the terrible burning sensation, when again Twilight lost her footing, flipped head over heels and slit across the floor till she came to a rest against the wall of the kitchen. "I'm sensing a theme." Twilight said dryly. "Yes indeed, Twilight Sparkle! You seem to be having a really exciting day!" Twlight groaned as Discord flew over her in a jetpack. "My oh my! This could be really fun to watch! Too bad I can't though." "Discord!" Twilight shouted from her weak position on the floor. "You're behind this? How could you! I thought you learned your lesson about this type of thing!" Twilight shouted, as the Draconequus landed, though some of her thunder was stolen by her belly up position. "Twilight, I'm absolutely hurt!" Discord said, clutching his mismatched hands to his chest. "Why how could you just rip my poor heart like that?" As he said it, Discord pulled his heart from his chest. The heard was dressed in ragged clothes with an overgrown beard and a "Will beat for friendship" sign in it's little heart arms. "Oh the agony!" Discord said throwing his hobo heart over his shoulder. "But in reality, I just want to deliver a message to good friend of mine, from a good friend of mine. It shoul-" "I"m not in the mood for your games today Discord! GET OUT!" Twilight would have hit him a magic bolt, but she couldn't . "JUst leave me aLONE!" Discord blinked and his mouth hung open. "But... But I did-" "OUT!" Twilight shouted and with a snap and a loud raspberry Discord vanished, leaving Twilight staring at the ceiling. Author's Note Is this funny? I can't tell, it's 5:30, and I can't sleep. Ponies plague my mind, dancing a horrible dance with my OC characters of bugging me every time I try to sleep. I was going somewhere with this, but right now, I can't remember where. Sadly, most of this chapter is based on personal experience(s) Ah well. I'm gonna post it anyways, because I'm insane.
Rarity and LunaTwilight took a deep breath to calm fraying nerves. Discord had really crossed the line on this last set of pranks, and she knew that she would have to talk with Fluttershy about reigning him in. With a groan and the protest of muscles that had taken a few too many impacts for the day, Twilight rolled over and began climbing to her hooves. On later recollection, the next event would always be a mystery. Twilight wasn't a fan of spicy foods. And Spike couldn't tell if what he was eating was spicy. Not only that, but the counters were clean and the cabinets closed. So it came as a massive surprise to Twilight when a jar of ground Cayenne pepper fell from fell from somewhere on high to smash on the counter, inches from her nose. She blinked once, as the sensation of glass shards and red hot pepper on her sensitive corneas registered. It didn't hurt, not at first, instead Twilight stood stone still, eyes open wide, as they slowly began to water and turn red. "Ehhhhhh." she squeaked out. "OH! AHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHH!" She began to shout, and then, the shout turned into a full on shriek as she finally began to run. Muscle memory took over, and she began to run towards her laboratory and the mercy of the eye wash station that was there, still shrieking as she ran. Through the watering of her eyes she could see the door ahead. It was never locked nor latched, so she ran full into it. But the door didn't move. Something warm and heavy settling around the Princess, She tried to back away from the wall, but it seemed her horn had become lodged in the door and no matter how she twisted her horn she couldn't budge it. "What is going on!" she shouted as tears flushed down her snout. Her eyes burned so much! "Twilight!" Spike shouted, "Why are you stuck to the wall?" He asked as a magical glow surrounded Twilight and pulled her away. "Darling! Whatever happened?" Rarity asked "You've destroyed this fine tapestry of Celestia and- Oh my, your eyes! And your Mane!" A moment later Spike was pushing Twilight along and finally, after suffering that torture too long Twilight found her head over the eye wash. After a long moment with the cool water soothing her searing eyes Twilight stepped back, eyes still closed tightly. "Spike, towel please." she said. "Here you go Twilight!" Spike said. Twilight stepped forward and buried her face in the towel. It must have been one of the new ones Celestia had gifted them, because it was remarkably soft and silky... And warm... And quite firm... And caused Rarity to squeak. "Uh- Twilight?" Spike said from behind her. Cracking one eye open all Twilight could see was a single blue diamond. Face flushing Twilight took a step back from Rarity's butt, leaving a wet implant of her face right along the Cutie Mark. Two mares and a dragon stood in embarrassed silence for a moment, each trying to out blush the others. "Right... Well I can see this hasn't been your day, Darling, So let us never speak of this again. Why were you pinned to the wall?" Twilight looked at the floor and kicked a hoof. "I thought it was a door." Rarity raised an eyebrow. "You thought... That a tasteful tapestry of Celestia was a door?" "I had Cayenne pepper in my eyes!" Twilight said to her own defense. "And that's where the door was in Golden Oaks." "Where did you get Cayenne pepper?" Spike asked. "I mean, I don't think anypony we know even uses it." "I don't know." Twilight said, flopping in a chair. "I thought this day was out to get me at first. But then Discord showed up..." Twilight said. "I think he threw the pepper at me when I yelled at him." "Oh my!" Rarity said. "Are you sure? I mean, I know he's got an ornery streak but that seems a little too cruel for him." Twilight scowled and blew a crispy strand of mane out of her face "Well I can't explain it any other way. He might be reformed but he was still evil not too long ago. I think he's just trying to get this out of his system." Twilight said, maybe a bit harder than needed. "Geeze Twi. Angry much?" Spike said, dragging a stool over to the chairs to watch the two of them work. "I am not angry." Twilight said. "Just a little frustrated. It's been a rough twenty minutes since I woke up." Rarity muttered something as she began digging over Twilight's mane. After a bit she gave a little "tut tut" and stepped down. "Twilight, I have a solution for your mane." she said. "But you need to go see the nurse about those burns. It looks like your burns have burns of their own! It simply will not do to have those get infected." Twilight rolled her eyes. "Rarity, I've been burned plenty. These ones are not that bad." "You have a blister by your ear. They are plenty bad enough." Rarity shot back with a stomp of the hoof, declaring the finality of her judgement. "Since your luck seems to be out so far today, I will walk you there to ensure no harm befalls you." She began to prod her friend to get up when the door exploded open. Luna's hoof nearly cracked the door she hit it so hard. The heavy hardwood door bounced off the wall and returned on well oiled hinges to crack the Lunar princess in the snout hard enough that it broke through the door. "Ouch." She said flatly. The door appeared stuck Twilight, Rarity and Spike jumped to their respective hooves and feet with unison cries of worry. "Stay where you are Twilight Sparkle." Luna said commandingly. "We have endured this curse many times, and have adjusted well. But thou art on thine first round, and should refrain from risking thy health." As she said this, Luna finally managed to dislodge her face from the door. She stepped inside. Rarity winced, Spike coughed and Twilight raised and eyebrow. Luna had a tennis ball impaled on her horn, she was wearing knee pads. Around her ears was a garland made of four leaf clovers, a pair of lucky horseshoes hung around her neck. A tattered jacket hung to her barrel by it's last thread. A dream catcher hung from a wing, though the other was in a sling. She had a silver crown on her head, with several lesser gemstones and an acorn mounted prominently on the front. Crowning it all off was a cage strapped to her head with a single live cricket inside. Rarity softly muttered something about "quite the fashion statement" "We see that thou didst not take our advice to simply stay in bed. Though we are most curious, why did you drive away Discord who I sent to help you?" Luna said with a frown and a disproving tone. Twilight blinked. "What?" Twilight asked as the older Alicorn began to walk across the room. She slipped on only Celestia know's what as she walked and nearly banged her chin on the hard floor. "It is the day of the Curse. A thing which my sister has neglected to warn you of at thy ascension. We can understand how it would would slip her mind as they are rare. Are you hurt?" Luna said, her dialect shifting between the early and current modern Equulish. Twilight's mind caught up quickly, sending her reeling. "Wait, what? Alicorns are cursed? How does that even happen?" Luna sat down on an open chair and sighed. A moment later the chair collapsed, but the Princess of the Night didn't seem to notice. "It is a long and complicated tale Twilight Sparkle, fraught with sorrow and anger. One which my Sister and I are mostly responsible for." Twilight grimaced at the broken furniture. "I think we have the time. Go ahead and tell it." Rarity said, finding a seat of her own as her and Spike focused eyes on Luna. "Very well." Luna said. "It starts nearly four hundred years before my fall into Nightmare Moon. Celestia and I were much more rambunctious in those days." Luna began with a soft smile. "We were just getting to know Star Swirl the bearded. He had always been a very funny maa- Ahem, stallion. He did present many funny nicknames for himself. But when-" She paused for a bit. "Uh, yes well he went through some changes and he kept referring to himself by one of his titles he had gained long ago. 'The oncoming storm.'" she smiled "We had... Replicated a story of his, disguising ourselves as old foes of his. His descriptions of his foes were never intimidating, but it startled him badly, as they resemble salt shakers. I am sure I saw his beard turn whiter at the prank-" Twilight cut her off with a "Whoa whoa whoa. I've read every book on Star Swirl the bearded. None of them ever mentioned an enemy or him spouting off strange titles for himself. And Salt Shakers? Really?" Luna rolled her eyes. "Yes, really. Needless to say, he did not enjoy the prank and decided to pull one himself. He cursed us, so that on a random day all Alicorns would suffer horrible luck. He told us that if we paid attention we would see the pattern and be able to end the curse on our own. We have set many great minds to solving this problem over the centuries, but none have been able to end it." Everyone sat in silence for a moment, until Spike finally broke it. "Uhm, is that all of it?" Luna nodded. "That wasn't a long story, Luna." "So he left no hints on breaking this curse?" Rarity asked. "That's simply dreadful, poor Twilight and Cadance did nothing to suffer for this. Even if they had, this is an absurdly disproportionate retribution. If I could give him a piece of my mind." She said, turning her nose up. Luna smiled. "If I could give you his address." she said, then paused. "I meant- Uhm, uh-" She was looking for words. Twilight and Spike caught on at the same time. "Did you imply he's still alive?" They said 'still alive' in unison. Luna shook his head. "No- No I uhm... It was a joke see? hahaha, yes. We must keep our spirits up in these trying times." Twilight frowned and climbed from her chair. "No. You just said that he has an address. That means he's still living. I want to know where he is." Her eyes wide with the prospect of meeting a unicorn who had understood the warping of time and space on such a degree that he could escape the ravages of over a thousand years. Luna frowned and seemed to shrink before the fanatical purple princess. "It is- uhm, a state secret?" Twilight's smile grew, bizarrely wide and disturbing under burns and a pair of black eyes. "I am a fully raised Alicorn princess- on equal authority to you and Celestia by your own admissions. Do you really think that's going to work?" With a mighty 'Pop' Luna vanished. "You can run Luna! But I'll find out eventually!" Twilight shouted at the empty room. As her maniacal laughter began to rise to the ceiling, Rarity and Spike slipped their way out of the room. Author's Note Okay, one more short chapter to finish this. Hopefully with the recent editing this is a little more cohesive.
Cold EquationsTwilight switched the cold compress to her other eye, knocking the large hat Rarity had gifted her to the floor again. She was pouring over hundreds of ancient records and documents about the Alicorn Curse. Every detail about dozens of the 'Curse Day's' as well as every minutia of Celestia and Luna's lives for years. What they ate, what they wore, how many injuries they sustained on the cursed days, the temperature of all the days of the following years. Twilight stood, dusted off the hat and placed it back on her head. It had probably been a day since the curse had acted up. Time Turner was probably the only pony in town who knew exactly, what all with his talent for time. Celestia had burned herself out when she had been struck by lightening at the raising of the sun, and Luna... Twilight shook her head, Luna had somehow made an impossible teleport, even for an Alicorn, and was stuck on the moon. Or so said the letter she sent through Spike. It was going to be three days at least before Twilight, Cadance and Celestia were ready to bring her back. With three Alicorns unable to move the sun or moon, and Cadance not being strong enough to do it on her own; The Celestial bodies had been stationary for too long now. Celestia had shown concern when Twilight had asked for every piece of information on the curse. And going over it again, Twilight could see why it was a problem. The curse didn't happen on the same day of any year. And the interval between them was inconsistent, varying between three years and, once, sixty days. There seemed to be no correlation between any of the events, though the interval had been shorter when Luna had been banished. The sixty day gap was of interest, but the only thing unusual about that year had been the war campaign Celestia had lead, and the late spring after. But the war fought four years later had had no effect on the curse, and five years after that was the coldest since Hearths Warming, and it was almost three years until the next one. Twilight was going over every detail again when the bell rang, announcing a patron of the library was entering. Thankful for the distraction she looked up at the mass of approaching books balanced on Time Turner's back. "Oh! Hey, how are you?" she asked. "Still just flipping through them?" He nodded. "But not all. Been reading to Dinky and she needs me to slow down. Though that's dreadfully boring. How can normal ponies stand to read so slow?" he said, depositing the pile on the return counter. Twilight grinned and forced herself not to roll her eyes. The local clock maker claimed he could read an entire book in seconds by flipping through its pages a couple of times. He was obviously well read, but it seemed off putting to her that a married stallion would be trying to impress her so. "So what's new in here?" he asked, picking up an unmarked book and flipping through it. "Oh that's interesting. Derpy would love that one." he said, throwing it on his back. "Oh, just trying to solve a thousand year old puzzle." Twilight said, looking back at the piles of old books Celestia had mailed to her. "But I think I see why it's been sitting around for so long." "Really what- Oh my! Your face? What happened?" Time Turner said, approaching the table. Twilight rolled her eyes, but he probably didn't see that with one being covered and the other swollen. "Luna and Celestia pulled some dumb prank of Star Swirl the Bearded a long time ago and he cursed all Alicorns with terrible luck one day out of a variable period." Twilight said. "Since I'm an Alicorn now I got to participate." she said before adding a flat "yay." "Oh yeah, I remember that. They dressed up like Daleks and scared the life out of him. Wait that curse is still going?" he said, eyebrows knitting. "I thought it was broken already. I mean it's not that complicated. The next one happens on a function of the average number of injuries sustained by all Alicorns multiplied by the average temperature in centegrade of their plots on the following April the First; with the output being days. You'd think in fourteen hundred years they'd have figured that one out by now." Twilight blinked and looked at the numbers again. During the short cycle Celestia had been at campaign, in the field on a snowy April first, the longest year Celestia had been in Saddle Arabia during the First. It looked terribly plausible. "But- how in the wide world of Equestria is anypony supposed to figure that out?" Twilight asked "How the buck did you figure it out?" she said pointing. Time Turner's eyes went wide before he regained his composure. "Twilight, my special talent is time, mathematics and machinery. And uh, I studied this once before. If I had known you'd have been affected by it, I would have told them how to break it. You're too nice a pony to have to deal with this." Twilight's mouth scrunched. "And Celestia's not?" TT grinned. "Celestia has a mean streak. She certainly loves to troll a pony or two. She had it coming." he shrugged. "I think I'm going to pass on checking anything out today. You have a nice day Twilight." he put the book back on the counter gently and began to walk towards the door. Twilight's mind raced a moment. "Wait!" She said. "Time Turner, this is going to sound crazy.... Okay, you know what. Never mind, I just heard myself in my own head, and yeah, it's reaaaly crazy." He grinned. "That's not terribly new. But just ask anyways." Twilight took a deep breath, ignoring the barb, he was a pony who had a way of needling information he wanted out of you, so she had to tell him. He also was the type of pony to figure out what you were going to say well before you said it. "Uh, okay, I know it's crazy, but... Are you- uh, are you Star Swirl the Bearded?" His laugh was almost too quick. "Nah, now that is crazy. I mean, I'd have to be a centuries old shape shifting alien with an odd physiology- like say, having two hearts; to be Star Swirl. And that's just silly. Have a good day, Miss Sparkle." and with a little skip he was gone, leaving Twilight very puzzled. "what an odd stallion." she said to herself, before turning to check his theory. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Several months later, on April the First, in the year of 1002 Reign of Celestia, or year 1652, Reign of the Two Sisters, or as it would later be referred to, The Second Year of Redemption, one would be able to see an odd sight outside the Crystal empire. Just a short mile from the gleaming walls of the beautiful city was a block of ice ten feet tall, fifteen feet wide and twenty feet long. But what's interesting about a block of ice? Nothing really, that's what. But for reasons that outsiders would never truly understand, five enormously powerful beings gathered around this block. Celestia, Luna, Cadance and Twilight all shot a dirty scowl at Discord, before all four of them blinked in surprise at the flash of a camera he had just conjured. "I really must save this moment forever." he said to nopony in particular. "I mean, i have heard ponies complain about freezing their plot of, but this? I mean, Celly, good old princess Sunbutt herself." he broke up laughing. "I always knew you were cold ass honkey." he roared in laughter at his own awful pun. He conjured a box of popcorn and began munching, reclining in a floating chair with a cup of Coco on the side, and a hot water bottle obviously under his posterior. The four Alicorns grit their teeth at his constant badgering, which had started not long after sun up. "Hey Luna, why did the mare look behind her?" he asked, but didn't wait for a response "To make sure she hadn't frozen her plot off!" he laughed again. "That's it. I'm killing him." Cadance said, standing up, only to be grabbed by three magical auras at once and forced back into sitting as the three other mares shouted "No!" all at once. "Let me at him!" Cadance shouted, firing off a magical bolt that bent around the god of chaos. "Yes my pretties!" he said, throwing popcorn at them. "Fight for my amusement!" "You know- y-yu-you're going to p-p-pay f-f-f-f-or this latter?" Luna asked. "Yes well, that's future Discord's problem. Oh, I just thought of one!" he announced, floating closer to the four fuming mares. "What do you get from sitting on ice for too long?" he paused "Polar-oids!" Discord began a howling laughter while slapping his knees as the four of them groaned. "Polar-oids. You know, I combined Polar with Hemeroids! It's funny!" It was going to be a long wait till midnight. Author's Note Reworked the ending somewhat. I like this one more. Also, chapter name is a reference to an old sci-fi fic by Tom Godwin.
