Granny Blows Best

by kalash93

Rating: mature
Tags: Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Sex, Big Macintosh, Slice of Life, Granny Smith, Applejack
Length: 3224

Soft, toothless, and with more experience than your mom, Granny Smith is the ultimate blowjob machine.

When the Apple family is short of money and faces loosing the farm unless it can repay its debt, unless they can come up with a season's worth of money in three days. Sounds like a tall order, but they'll have to suck it up if they want to keep their beloved home, and nopony can suck it up and swallow it down like Granny Smith. For April Fools' Day 2015.

Published 2015-04-01 23:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-01 23:50:02 UTC

Old Lady Blowjob Machine

Granny Blows Best

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Applejack, Big Macintosh, and Granny Smith sat around the dining room table looking glumly as a few papers and a small collection of coins. They all wore frowns and were silent, almost not daring to ask about the one question, the one thing that mattered. But alas, it had to be done. They were lit by a lone lightbulb -- a lone lightbulb, bare, unadorned, its old glass yellowing, its light dimmer and shakier than it should have been.

“So,” Applejack asked. “How deep in the red are we?”

“Over eight thousand bits worth, sis,” answered Big Macintosh.

AJ scratched her head. “Eigtht thousand, are ya sure it’s that much? Maybe we miscasuculated; that seems like it ain’t right.”

“Eenope, it was over nine thousand before that tax refund.”

“Soooo, what’re we gonna do? Could we try selling off some stuff?”

“Not a chance,” Granny Smith replied. The whole farm put together ain’t even worth half’a what we owe.”

“Could we try asking the bank to wait ‘til after our next harvest?”

“Eenope.”

Applejack growled, “Well why the hay not?”

“Because they already threatened to foreclose on us if we were late again.”

“Eeyup.”

“And there absolutely ain’t no way to convince ‘em otherwise?”

“Eenope.”

“And we need to come up with at least two thousand bits by Wednesday?”

“Yes, Dearie. Why? You think you’re not one hundred precent because you got hit in the noggin or somthin’?”

Applejack shoot her head. “Nah, just makin’ sure I got all this right.”

“Are you sure?” Silence. Granny Smith yawned, “Well, I’m too old to leave, Applebloom’s too young to leave, and you too are in quite a pickle if we lose the farm, so if ya’ll wanna keep ahold of Sweet Apple Acres, we’d better whip up some ideas.”

“Eeyup,” confirmed Big Macintosh.

Appljack rested her head on her hoof, deep in thought. She kept mumbling, “How to come by two grand in three days…. How in tarnation is that even possible? That’s like a huge harvest when prices are good and we sell darn near all of ‘em. Stupid bank loans, stupid bat infestation, stupid magical disaster, send almost all my orchards into stasis why don’t you? Stupid produce tariff expiration undercutting us with cheap foreign fruits, stupid barn fire taking out most of our stock and tools…” Big Mac sat there looking lost, fiddling his hoover together. Granny Smith worked her gums around. Many tense minutes passed marked only by the uncomfortable, sinking quiet and the unsteady choking of the lone light, swaying steadily too and fro at the end of its chain, going slowly out, hanging…

Slam! “I got it!” Granny Smith explained as AJ and BM startled to attention.

“What’ya thinkin, Granny?” Applejack asked, fixating her full attention upon the aged matriarch of the Apple family.

“Blowjobs.”

Applejack’s smile vanished into an open-mouthed look of complete bewilderment. “Come again?”

“I said I’ll sell blowjobs.”

Deadpan, Applejack turned to her brother. “Big Mac, did you hear Granny Smith say she was gonna save Sweet Apple Acres by charging money for blowjobs?”

“Eeyup.”

“I, uh, ah, excuse me a sec…” Applejack slipped away from the table and returned thirty seconds later holding a large jar of moonshine. She popped the lid off and took a small sip, making a face. “Now, Granny, are you serious?”

“I sure as hell am.” Big Mac gave a fearful look in his sister’s direction.

Applejack took another drink before saying, “Granny, there ain’t no way in hell you can earn two grand by prostitutin’ yourself.”

The elderly mare snorted, “Ah phooey, back in the day, when I was young and purty, I used’er earn three hundred bits per day proving special services to the stallions of this town, and some of the mares, too…” She seemed to get a bit misty-eyed as she finished with a fond sigh.

“Uh, Granny, three hunnert is a hell of a lot less than the couple thousand we need.”

“Gimme summa dat,” Granny Smith retorted. Applejack passed the moonshine over to her and the green mare took a big gulp without missing a beat. “Now, I’m forgetting to account for inflation and all that racket, but lemme say that back then, three hundred bits might’ve been a workin’ family’s salary for a season.” Jaws hit the floor. “It wasn’t’ too hard, so long as I didn’t charge more than the market could bear. Now those stallions, heehee, lemme tell you, thems were some might hard guys, why, I reckon they could’ve done some literal hammerin’ and nailing…”

Applejack grabbed the jar of moonshine and took several big swigs. “Granny, every if you were the best fuck in the West, ain’ nopony gonna want your ass nowadays, let alone pay ya for the pleasure.” Big Mac nodded in agreement.

“Fiddlesticks,” chuckled Granny Smith. “I was quite a strumpet back in the day, and prettier too, with a toned derriere, feminine curves no stallion could ignore, and the sultriest bedroom eyes you ever done seen.”

She fixed what was presumably her bedroom eyes at Big Macintosh, who winced, “Eenope.”

Applejack groaned, “Can you even o anything now?”

“Oh you ya’betcha I can! I used to suck a mean dick, but now that I ain’t got no teeth, I can gum, suck, and lick like nopony’s business.”

Big Mac grabbed the three-quarters full jar of moonshine from Applejack. He put it to his lips and chugged it all without stopping. Then, he dropped the glass jar, shattering it, and he flopped forwards head down onto the table. “I’m done.”

Applejack glared at him and said, “Thanks for leaving me none.” She turned to Granny Smith and said, “Fine, you can try your crazy blowjob machine whatever; just stop telling us stories.”

“I ain’t even got to telling you mah stories yet, why this one time—“

Stomp! “Stop! I don’t wanna hear it! I’m done! Shut up! Not one more word!” Applejack stormed off upstairs, cursing and covering her ears.

Granny Smith chuckled to herself, “And all that was just from the blowjobs…”

Applejack awoke early to muffled but rather loud and incoherent sounds. She tried to go back to sleep, only to hear them again every time she started to get close to nodding off. The noises would start suddenly and be darn loud for several seconds and then trail off into a few minutes of peace before the next round of freaky noises began, although a shrill yelling constantly permeated the air. The orange mare frowned. Today was her day to sleep in; and she was going to make the most of it, damnit. Still, she couldn’t get much sleep with those noises. Worst of all, they made her feel funny. She absentmindedly brought a hoof between her legs. As it brushed between her thighs, she felt something she hadn’t expected. Bringing it up quickly, she realized that it was wetness. Damn that noise for getting her all stirred up! She was going to go give whoever the hell wsa making that racket a piece of her mind, or perhaps something more…

Throwing on her trademark cowboy hat, Applejack got out of bed and made her way downstairs. Just as she was nearing the top of the stairs, she heard. “Step right up! Step right up for the old lady blowjob machine! Fifty bits gets you one blowjob – a hundred bits for intercourse! This mare may be old, but she can take it all! That’s right, she’s been fucking and sucking longer than anypony here has been alive! So step right up and bring your bits for a round of unmatched pleasure at unbeatable prices with the old lady blowjob machine!” The noise started again. She stamped down the stairs, now distinctly hearing words.

“Oh! Ah! Yes! Ahh, right there! Oooh! Fffuuuck! Yeaah! Suck it! Suck it! Aaahh! Shit! Yesh Yiiissssss!” Who the fuck was fucking this loudly and at this hour!? Storming through the kitchen and out the front door, Applejack’s mind reeled. Her brother was balls deep in their grandmother’s pussy! The red stallion gave a low moan of satisfaction and the green mare released him from her cunt with his cock still leaking jizz. And there was Apple Bloom hollerin’ to the whole world to come fuck their granny like a whore.

She fixed him with her meanest glare and demanded, “Big Macintosh, Apple Bloom, what in the FUCKING HEY are you doing! And Granny, what the fuck are you doing?”

Big Mac was too drained too answer beyond “Putting in my part for the farm,” as he slogged off into the kitchen.

“Helping the farm and tryin’ ter get my cutie mark.”

“In what, pimping!?”

Granny Smith reassuring patted AB on the head as she answered the young mare, “Doing his bit for the farm. It’s fifty for a suck and a hundred to do some gold old fashioned buckin’.”

“But you’re-“

“I know, deary, and that’s what he said, but I just gave him a little bit of the old bedroom eyes and his junior gentlecolt didn’t seem to care. In fact, I think you oughtta take better care of your brother; he seemed like he was pretty backed up.”

“What!?” AJ gasped in complete shock.

“Well, don’t you two, y’know, take care of each other?”

Applejack shook her head vehemently. “No! Hell no!”

“No wonder we don’t have any foals to keep the family going.”

“Wait, what!?”

“Nevermind,” said Granny Smith. “Now, really, I’d love to stay and chat, dear, but you’re holding up the line!”

Applejack spun around to see a great column of ponies stretching back from the porch, out the gate, into the lane, and out of sight. At the very front she sighted a familiar purple dragon. “Spike! What’re ya doin’ here?”

He shrugged, “I’m sorry, Applejack, but getting laid is getting laid, which is what Rarity told me last time when she said she wouldn’t have sex with me. Dunno how that makes sense, but still, why not?”

“Spike, dear, come up,” called Granny Smith. “What would you like? It’s fifty bits for me to suck you off, but if you wanna cream the pie, that’s a hundred.”

“Hmm…” Spike contemplated as he counted his money. “I got sixty bits here, so I’ll take the blowjob, please.”

“Very well,” the mare replied, accepting the drake’s money and motioning his forward. “Now, let’s see here…” Applejack could only watch mortified as her friend’s number one assistant got his dick sucked by her very own grandmother. With a few licks, Granny Smith drew out his member, which very quickly grew to its full size. Then, opening her mouth, she took him inside.

“Whoa!” Spike exhaled as the soft, toothless mouth completely engulfed his shaft. The expert, old mouth of Granny Smith wrapped around his cock and immediately set to work. Within seconds, the dragon was blown away under the assault of the master cocksucker. She sucked him started from the tip, almost just lightly kissing it before taking him all the way down to the balls and humming in satisfaction while she rubbed at her own dripping cunt. Then, Granny Smith would pull back, licking back up his length along the sensitive underside.

The aged matriarch blew the young dragon like a champ, never once gagging or hesitating. The drake put his hands on the back of Granny Smith’s wrinkly old head and held it gently, guiding her mouth up and down his length. The mare responded with enthusiasm, speeding up and adding a flourish to every bob of her head. Gluk-gluk-gluk-gluk. “Granny Smith, that feels really good,” said Spike almost in a daze, trembling a little as she massaged his sensitive tip with her mushy mouth. He stroked her mane as he made curious noises, his breathing noticeably speeding up bit by bit. Applejack knew what was about to happen. But try as she might, she couldn’t look away. Was it horror? Was it arousal? Both? Neither? She couldn’t tell and probably didn’t want to know.

“Granny, I’m gonna cum…” Granny Smith hummed enthusiastically as she sped up even more, listening to the little dragon’s cries of pleasure grow louder. “Oooh! Ee-aaaahhh!” Spike groaned, thrusting all the way into the her toothless old mouth, holding her all the way down on his throbbing shaft as he came, pouring thick globs of cum down her throat. Granny kept going, humming and licking with her tongue to entire the dragon balls to fulfil her wish of satisfying her customer completely. She swallowed every last drop of hot cum poured from his cock. At long last, Spike loosened his death grip with a shudder and Granny Smith released her mouth with a satisfied pop.

“How was that, dear?”

“I, uh, amazing… Thanks… Seeya, Applejack.” Spike droned in a daze as he wandered off.

Granny Smith grinned at the petrified Applejack, “Another satisfied customer, and we got dozens more to go, so I reckon we’ll more than make our mark.” She faced the epic line of horny ponies, most of whom were stallion, some of whom were jerking off, “NEXT!”

AJ was literally stunned. She couldn’t move or speak, so utterly mortified was she at witnessing her very own granny service stallion after stallion, some fucked her in the mouth and others would fuck her right in the pussy. How many gallons of cum were swallowed by Granny Smith’s holes, she had no idea; the stallions, and the cum, never seemed to end. Then, she spotted a familiar, unmistakable figure at the front of the line. She gasped. “Discord!?”

“Oh, Applejack, how did you guess?” The draconequus mocked. Sadly, I’m not here for the sake of flapping lips, except for a certain kind…” He eyed Granny Smith’s flank. “How much did you say your apple pie was?”

“A hundred bits!” Applebloom shouted.

“Apple Bloom!” AJ hissed at the filly.

The draconequus and the old mare ignored them. “It’s a hundred bits to plough my field. Are’ya gonna take it or leave it?”

Applejack watched in horror as Discord dropped a hundred bits into Granny Smith’s hoof as he answered, “I’m gonna take it and leave it so full of my cum it’ll be be whiter than Fluttershy’s face after our sessions.” With that, the spirit of chaos floated behind the green mare and began to rub his erection against her entrance, turning it into a dace as he gave Applejack a pure look of manic glee. Then he entered her. “Oooh, my, Smith, you’re as tight as a mare ninety years younger. And wet, too.”

“Why thank you, Discord,” said Granny Smith with a smile as he began rutting her like a bitch. “I could irrigate every tree in the orchard with this ‘ere old cooch.”

“You don’t say. My, not even Sea Ponies get this wet,” he grunted as he thrust forward, hilting all the way inside Granny Smith’s ancient cavern. Her pussy wrapped around his cock, massaging it with every thrust he made, the pleasure amplified by Granny Smith’s century and them some worth of fucking expertise. He smacked her ass, getting a happy remark from the mare.

“Do it again and I’ll make you howl like a timber wolf.”

Discord smirked as he replied, “That’s not fair; I have more wood than they do.” Smack! A talon impacted an aged plot.

“Oooh! Indeed you do. C’mon, show me what ya can do with that old log o’ yours!” With that, the mare back her hips into Discord’s, fucking him back with everything she had.

Discord grabbed her hips and growled, “I’m going to seed your orchard, my dear, just like I used to do oh so long ago.”

“Those were the days, weren’t they?”

Applejack interrupted, “WHAT!?”

Discord answered her, “Granny Smith and I used to, how shall we say, fuck like rabbits.”

“Indeed, at least twice daily.”

Discord smirked, “There’s a reason why those chaotic zap apples only grow in some places on your farm and your farm alone – something to do with a certain type of seed spilling into the soil…”

Applejack’s jaw fell open. There were no words. Discord and Granny fucked like mad, their thrusts getting faster, their noises growing louder and louder. The green mare stuck her saggy ass up in the air to allow the draconequus better access to fuck her. And he did, stuffing her cunt full of cock as he coiled his body around hers. “I’m startin ‘er get close,” moaned Granny Smith.

“Almost there.” Discord grunted.

“Ooooh! Weeeoooowwww! Yeeehhhhaaaawww!” Granny Smith shouted in ecstasy as she lost control of her body, bringing Discord over the edge with her. He roared like a dragon as he tightened his whole body, thrusting in his cock as far as it would go, spilling his seed into her. White hot pleasure engulfed the pair as orgasm wracked their bodies. Granny Smith shook her hips like an exotic dancer and Discord writhed like a snake as they gave each other everything they had. Before long, their heat faded and Granny Smith rested her head atop Discord’s. “Not bad for a snake.”

“Now now, Granny dear, snake’s a little harsh, don’t you think?”

“Fine, you no-good forked-tongued fucker.”

“Now that’s more like it,” smiled Discord as he planted a hicky on Granny Smith’s neck before floating away.

Seconds later, the still speechless Applejack was bowled over a by a tsunami of jizz erupting from the old mare’s pussy. This was too much. It had to end soon or her mind just wouldn’t be able to take it. How many more could there be, right? It was only mid morning. This couldn’t possibly go on all day… AJ eyed the line once more. It didn’t seem too long. Then, she saw that it was thick Rubbing her eyes, she realized that it was doubling back, no, wait, tripling back on itself, which meant that the whole road had to be completely clogged with ponies waiting to fuck her granny! Applejack looked at who was next and saw a group of very attractive pegasi in skintight blue and gold uniforms. She gasped as she realized who they were. Then she saw one distinctive multicolored maned pegasus mare clad in the wonderbolt uniform.

The mare gave her a sheepish way, “Hey, AJ.”

“Sugarcube?” And with that, Applejack fell, tumbling into oblivion.

The last rays of the sunset were dying over the horizon as Applejack awoke. She tried to find the line, but found her vision obstructed by something huge and shiny. It took the poor shell-shocked mare several seconds before it began to dawn on her. “Big Mac, is that a mountain of coins bigger than the house?”

“Eeyup.”

“Is it over yet?”

“Eenope.”

A strangely accented cry of pleasure came from out of AJ’s field of vision. “HOO! HOOO! WHO-HOOHO HOOO HOHHOHOHO-HOO-HHOOOOOO HHHHHHHHHOOOOOO WWWWHHHHHOOOOO!:A sigh of relief. “Hoot.”

Olyosious? Why was she not surprised?

Granny Smith yelled, “Thank ya’ll fer coming and cummin’! See ya’ll next week!”

Applejack’s eyes shot open. She could do nothing but weakly groan, “Next week?” Then she passed out again.

Author's Note

Behold the power of vodka, the quest for lulz, and just a complete and utter lack of fucks given!

Support me on Patreon.