Horseshit

by Ara

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other, Comedy
Length: 3172

When I came to Equestria, I never thought that horseshit would be such an issue.

Although in the show we've seen outhouses, this "what if" story takes place in an Equestria in which the ponies just sort of go to the bathroom wherever, like in that joke tweet by Lauren Faust.

There's no sex or gore in this story, but it's rated Teen for the occasional curseword and, uh, the fact that it's mostly about shitting.

Special thanks to Fimfiction IRC for the inspiration/blame, especially Zini. This is all Zini's fault, specifically.

Published 2025-02-04 21:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2025-02-04 21:50:01 UTC

Let's Get This Over With

Equestria was only sort of the way I'd expected it to be. The horses were small and colorful, sure, and Ponyville looked about how I'd expected it to, and we could all understand each other for some reason. Just like I thought, when I'd first come into Ponyville, everybody had cleared out and peered cautiously from windows and doorways instead of coming up to say "hi." Pretty much everything was the way I'd expected it to be, except for one small detail.

The piss. The piss, and the shit. Now, don't get me wrong, I'd fully expected the little equines to use the restroom, but when I was walking into Ponyville for the first time I definitely noticed the manure smell. Honestly, it's not an awful smell. I'd grown up around herbivorous animals and their poop doesn't really have the pungent, disgusting odor that feces from carnivores and scavengers tend to have. The street was littered with horse apples, though, and the gutters in between the slightly raised dirt road and the expansive grassy yards were rather vile.

Before I'd gotten into the town proper, I saw a pegasus in the distance flying over a field where a few ponies who hadn't noticed me were having a picnic. I watched her veer away from the picnic below her as her tail swished involuntarily up and to the side and little black dots fell into the empty field across the road.

The pegasus must have spotted me, or else noticed that the streets were empty and investigated, because I'd I'd only been walking for a few minutes when six mares had shown up to see if I was dangerous, I guess. Or because they're the ones who dealt with this kind of thing.

The tense sort of feeling-one-another-out didn't last too long, and then we were all explaining things to one another to try and figure out what had happened and where I'd come from. We exchanged names. I was Sidney. They were Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity and Applejack. I was a human, and no, I wasn't exactly sure how I ended up here, and my memories from before were all pretty vague. I could remember a lot of things about how the world I was clearly no longer in worked, but I couldn't remember a whole lot about my life, specifically.

"So, based on your clothing, we can assume you were attending some sort of formal function, or operated in high society circles," Twilight Sparkle said.

I told her that I certainly didn't remember that being the case, and my clothes were pretty ordinary to the best of my knowledge.

"Interesting," Twilight said. As she continued to speak, her tail lifted and a stream of piss spattered on the street behind her, running off toward the filthy gutters.

I was completely flabbergasted and hadn't heard another word she'd said, my eyes glued to the river of urine slowly flowing from the slightly raised center of the road into the disgusting, opaque fluid that flowed sluggishly along the sides of the road. As I tore my eyes away, I noticed that a lot of the other ponies had come outside and were slowly going about their daily business, although they kept sneaking glances or else outright staring at me. Now that the place was busy, my look of blank, gobsmacked confusion must have descended into something like disgusted horror.

My gaze shifted from scene to scene: That stallion was pissing onto the grass while he carried on some seemingly normal conversation. That mare was just absolutely taking a shit while she was walking to that store with a flower on the sign. Another pegasus, shitting on the wing. I was assaulted on all sides by acts of urination and defecation.

The sound of something heavy and wet slapping against the street snapped my focus back on the six ponies in a silent semicircle around me, all looking at me with varying amounts of concern. There was another splat, like a baker throwing dough down onto the counter. I looked right into the pink one's big blue eyes. Her tail was raised, and a few more turds dropped down onto the pile between her back legs. Her tail swept back down a few seconds after the last ball of shit impacted its fellows in the middle of the street. She'd never stopped looking directly at me with something like bemused curiosity.

"It's clearly too much all at once," the yellow one had said, her wings beating in a slow rhythm as she rose a few feet off the ground. "There are an awful lot of ponies around and I know how very distressing that can be, especially when they're all staring at you." She drifted forward, seemingly intent on nudging me with her hoof to sort of shuffle me out of the street.

I twitched back before she could touch me with the hoof. She'd been walking on the same street that everybody had been pissing and shitting on. Honestly, the last thing I wanted was for any of them to touch me. I sort of staggered along with them, trying to rein in my disgust and embarrassment and avoid any direct contact. From what I could remember, I'd been a fairly cosmopolitan person who wouldn't be described as prudish, and I could even understand the nudity, them being quadrupeds with foofy tails and all, but the other thing...

Now that I could sort of focus a little more clearly, realized that everybody wasn't just constantly pissing and shitting everywhere. For the most part, they were just sort of walking around doing normal-seeming stuff. It was just that you had a relatively large number of folks in view at any given time, so chances were that somebody somewhere would be going to the bathroom. Or rather, doing bathroom business in full view of everybody right there in public.

I had calmed down enough to be able to focus on what they were saying. "I bet Sidney's just hungry!" Pinkie Pie said, leading the way with a weird, bouncy hop.

"Well, actually I-" I started to say, thinking that food was the absolute last thing on my mind.

"When was the last time you had something to eat?" She said, turning around to face me while still bouncing (now backwards) down the street.

"Well, I don't exactly remember specific-"

"See? There you go! You can't even remember the last time you had something delicious and sweet, and..." I sort of tuned her out, intentionally this time, as she began to ramble about all the kinds of baked goods I'd soon be enjoying.

I noticed that we were two ponies shorter than when I'd been greeted, and asked Twilight Sparkle about it. She seemed to have slightly more pull (or at least was more organized) than the other ones, although it really did seem that all of them just sort of tossed out ideas and decided things on committee. She told me that Rainbow Dash had left when she realized I wasn't a monster to fight, and Applejack had said that it looked like I was being taken care of, and she had a lot of work to do. Fine by me, honestly.

I was thankful when I was ushered into a building that sort of looked like a gingerbread house with a cupcake on top. The inside of the shop was colorful and cute. There was a round table in one corner, lots of candy and cupcakes behind the counter, cute paintings and a cozy, homey feeling. There were only a few ponies inside, and they sort of crept out when I came in with my entourage.

To be fair to Pinkie, when I was awkwardly crouched on one of the stools enjoying baked goods, I did feel a lot better. I unhelpfully tried to answer Twilight's questions, occasionally fielding one from the other two ponies at the table (Pinkie had gone behind the counter after bringing me a selection of confections) and I'd mostly gotten my composure back when what I assumed was the lunch rush started. The first few ponies trickled in, and then the trickle became a stream. Soon enough, a queue was winding through the interior and out the door of the shop.

Pinkie was quick and efficient, but a line of ponies ordering baked goods could only move so fast. A cold terror began to creep up my spine when I saw a stallion move his hindquarter a few steps out of line. I set the half eaten muffin down on the table as his short tail rose. We were inside. Inside an establishment that sold food. Nobody so much as batted an eyelash when the shit pancaked on the floor.

"We have to leave now," I said, clambering to my feet.

"It's all the ponies," Fluttershy whispered to Twilight and Rarity. The stallion stepped forward with his hind end still out of line and deposited the rest of his shit onto the floor. I felt the panicky urge to scramble out of the door. Twilight and Rarity glanced at Fluttershy, then at one another.

"Well," Rarity said as I felt the sugary blob in my stomach lurch, "I've closed the boutique for the day. Besides, I'd like to look at those clothes." I made any further conversation moot by hurrying out the door.

The inside of Carousel Boutique did not have that faint odor of horseshit. If anybody would understand, it would be Rarity. She'd made everybody wipe their hooves off rather thoroughly on the mat before we went inside. She was wearing makeup for god's sake. No telling how long it took her to fix up her mane and tail like that. If anybody here had an understanding of propriety and decorum, it would be her.

I rounded on them once we were through the door.

"That guy shit on the floor. He shit on the fucking floor of that bakery!" I was livid, shaking. "Please dear god tell me none of you are going to shit on the floor in here. So fucking help me..."

I only flinched a little when Fluttershy patted me on the shoulder, "There there," she said. Rarity and Twilight exchanged a look as Fluttershy guided me over to some giant dog bed in front of a vanity and gently encouraged me to sit down. I was not going to be able to get used to this.

"I can barely deal with everybody shitting in the streets. I swear I will go fucking bananas if one of you takes a shit on the floor."

"Fluttershy," Twilight said, "I really don't think Sidney was upset because of all the ponies."

I felt something cool pressing into my shoulders as Rarity walked up to me. "Don't worry, dearie, nopony is going to make manure inside my shop." I had almost started to think somebody here was sane before she continued, "My product is a little more exclusive than a muffin, even a very good muffin, so anypony here can just step outside without losing their place in line. Although it would be nice if I had lines long enough to necessitate mucking out the boutique at the end of the day..."

The invisible, cool force continued to gently massage my shoulders. It was definitely unnerving, like how I'd imagine being molested by a ghost would feel. It was much harder to stay upset when Twilight and Fluttershy tried to calm me down by nuzzling and quietly shushing me. Rarity excused herself only to reappear moments later with a steaming cup of what looked and smelled like chamomile tea, which, I mean, let's be real here. There is no way to be upset while sipping chamomile tea.

"You just," I paused. It was really good chamomile tea, "You just don't shit in public."

"Dear," Rarity began, "Bodily functions are a natural part of life." I felt that invisible force making little exploratory tugs at my clothing. "As long as you're polite about them, there's nothing unseemly." My shirt was whisked off in a second, and I was ass over teakettle in my underthings a few further seconds later. I curled into a ball and felt myself blushing bright red.

"What the shit!" I tried to scream indignantly while still attempting to position my arms and legs for maximum coverage.

"Just outside, please," Rarity said, turning my clothes inside out with her magic and inspecting the seams and fabric.

"It's clearly not hand stitched," Fluttershy said, hovering over Rarity's shoulder. "It looks like it's all been done by machines."

"I don't really see the point in cheaply produced clothing," Rarity continued, tugging at a seam with her magic, "it rather defeats the entire purpose."

I had a deathgrip on my underthings so Rarity (hopefully) couldn't rip them off too. "Excuse me!" I shouted, causing the three equines to focus on me.

"I told you, dear," Rarity said, "If you have to make manure, go just outside please."

Blushing furiously and mostly naked, I instead began to explain my cultural taboos against public voiding of bodily wastes and not wearing clothes.

It was probably the most uncomfortable conversation I'd ever had. Fluttershy was the only one who was really on "my side" as I explained about normal people things like pooping in the toilet and not running around naked. Fluttershy's contributions were mostly just how they should be understanding of my foibles and idiosyncrasies, no matter how bizarre and superfluous they seemed, because I was from a different society and respecting my culture was the right thing to do.

Twilight mostly talked about how inefficient and wasteful my system was, and that manure helped the town stay so green and healthy and grassy, plus there was some waste collection that was used by local farmers for their crops. Rarity just didn't seem to get that it was fucking disgusting. Of course it was gross if you got shit on you, but apparently that wasn't actually a problem for any of them.

I was in a clothing store, but looking around, I didn't see a single pair of pants. There were jackets, (I mean, I guess those could be pants. Pants for the front legs are still pants I guess) and skirts, but even the majority of the skirts wouldn't have covered the wearer's butt. Apparently being able to freely shit and piss was important for clothing design. They didn't even understand the concept of underwear. They did know about diapers, but that's not a road I wanted to go down.

Thankfully, the conversation drifted away from pony asses and onto more directly relevant things, like where I was going to live. Fluttershy insisted that I still had an anxiety issue even though I'd pretty much said it was the whole poop thing that was bothering me, so it was decided that Applejack's place wouldn't work. Likewise, Twilight apparently lived in the town's public library. Fluttershy seemed interested in hosting me, but when I learned she basically ran a petting zoo out of her house, I vetoed that. When I learned Pinkie lived in that bakery I vehemently rejected that option. Rainbow Dash lived in some sort of cloud mansion. That left Rarity. To be honest, it's probably who I would have picked to start with. I was sure I could convince her to make me underwear.

I had a lot of trouble convincing her to make me underwear. At first she thought it would be fun to try and make clothes for me, but I was really not a fan of her assless designs. Turns out, though, that if you have no clue how to make pants for a human, it's not like you can just sort of fudge it and have something that's comfortable. We had been talking that over when I walked back from the bushes, Rarity tapping a hoof in mild annoyance.

"Sidney, dear, if you didn't insist on wearing clothes all the time you wouldn't have to constantly beg pardon to go urinate out of sight. I say, it's rather gauche," she said. As if to emphasize her point, a rather large horse apple pancaked with a wet 'thwack' behind her. I still don't know how she kept the shit out of her tail. Even after the clothes situation got handled and the days began to stretch out into months, I just... I couldn't do it. I couldn't get used to it. I would lose track of whatever pony I was talking to was saying when they made a subdued whicker in the middle of a sentence and steam rose from a stream of horse piss splattering on the pavement behind them.

Fluttershy eventually convinced me that I should ditch the clothes. My original supply had started to get threadbare, and Rarity's designs were getting more and more ridiculous. She kept leaving the asses off of everything. My first foray into nudity was at her house on the edge of the Everfree. I stood there in only my shoes, feeling the breeze tickle my bare skin.

"I'm very proud of you," Fluttershy said, patting my shoulder with a hoof. "See? That's not so bad, is it?" And she was right. It wasn't so bad. Maybe I was being unreasonable. They'd all been walking around naked the whole time. Maybe my outdated human values were making me miserable. My new unclothed condition got me far fewer stares and sideways glances than I'd had before. Still, though, I resisted the big leap. I still ran to the bushes when the urge hit, and went to the river for my number two business. And it sped up my potty time. I could tell I was being worn down. I knew. I knew the inevitable was slowly closing in on me.

I was tired of the ridicule. The questioning. I'd been walking around naked for a few days, and there I was, talking with Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie outside in the park when I felt the urge. Ok, it's fine. They've all been doing it in front of me for months. I felt my bowels relax. Instantly, the noses of the two ponies in front of me wrinkled and they involuntarily shied away. I felt the soft shit squishing between my asscheeks and rolling down the back of my legs. Pinkie coughed. Fluttershy's eyes teared up. She tried to say something and gagged. I just stood there, taking it all in.

The next day I found a nice tailored set of clothes and a huge stack of apology letters on my doorstep. They never asked me about my defecatory habits again.

Author's Note

This story has been sitting in my unpublished stories thing since April 2nd 2015. Almost a full fucking decade ago. It was slightly unfinished, and now I release it into the world in the year of Our Lord, February 4, 2025. You're welcome.