The Slash and Burn Folder

by Blind Gardener

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Random
Length: 3422

A collection of 'author's outtakes' that didn't make it into any chapters.

This is a folder where I plan to keep things that I have written that did not match the tone of the story I wrote them in, but that I don't want to just delete.

Really, only look in here if you're into my writing and want to see the stuff I decided didn't fit the tone or wasn't good enough. There might be spoilers, or might not as I may have changed the story to go in a different direction.

I'm not going to update any particular segment. These are just castoffs from my stories.

Published 2015-04-04 11:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-02 15:03:05 UTC

Shining and Rose [Slice of Life] [Comedy]

Author's Note

Would have taken place after chapter 2 in Clean Slates. Determined not to fit the tone I was looking for.

Shining and Rose [Slice of Life] [Comedy]

Clawed, bruised and bleeding, Rose and Shining leaned against each other for support outside the guard station. They were singing a duet together voiced for a gryphon and a pony about a legendary encounter between the Silver Gryphon Guard of the Windswept Hills and the Black Marsh Bandits of Equestria while they treated each other's wounds. For fun, Shining was singing the Gryphonic parts, while Rose sang the Pony ones.

It was this scene that Twilight Velvet arrived to when she responded to the message that her son had been causing a public disruption again. She sighed, staring at the two singing foals.

"Shining." She said, interrupting their song. Shining and Rose both abruptly turned to look at Twilight Velvet. She was disturbed to see her son mimicking the gryphonic glare.

"Shining, this isn't healthy. Look at yourself, you can barely stand, you're all ripped up."

"It's just play, mom" Shining said

"Play." Twilight velvet marched up to her son, poking his belly "Half a centimeter to the left here, and you'd never have a hard time hitting high notes." She poked another spot on his face "If this was any deeper it would have popped your eyeball" She touched the tatters of his ear "If I didn't have access to high quality health care, your ear would never be the same. If I didn't have access to healing magic, you'd bear these scars for the rest of your life."

Then she turned on Rose. "Fractured Metacarpal" She said, taking Rose's wrist with her hoof and causing the griflet to wince. "Broken ribs here, here, and here." She jabbed at Rose's chest. "No concussions, lucky there" She said, looking deep into Rose's eyes. "And since your family can't afford the healthcare, if I don't pay for it I will feel incredibly guilty about the fact that those wings won't fly without being broken and reset. I don't know if it's the fault of your play, but I'm sure that the play was a contributing factor."

At this point the frowning police first aid specialist tapped Twilight Velvet on the shoulder. "I'm sorry, but you're wrong"

"What?" Twilight Velvet asked, spinning on a hoof to find a frowning medical official. She took a step back from the glare.

"First, your son. Half a centimeter to the left and we'd still be able to re-attach it easily, if you actually had medical training you'd know griffon surgeons are priced for their precise, neat cuts. Second, it couldn't have gotten deeper, there's bone in the way. Third is a valid point though." She nodded solidly.

"Now, for the griflet. No recent breaks or fractures. There are sprains, but no breaks. You are correct that there's no concussion, but it's harder to concuss a griflet than a pony. Easier for them to get fractures. As for the wings, yes they're mangled to the point that flight under her own power is unlikely, but it is an old injury." The police mare paused to give Twilight Velvet a speculative look "If you are willing to pay to have it corrected, I do have the number of a few bone specialists who could do it."

"Normally I don't like to get into the middle of family disputes, but you're not a trained medical professional. Please don't pretend to be one." The police mare said, with the sort of kind patience one reserves for fools.

Twilight Velvet hung her head abashedly. "Alright. I got carried away a little there. I would like the specialist's number though." She took the proffered card, and tucked it into her purse.

She turned, somewhat more gently, back to her son and the griflet. Her son looked guilty, and was cowering away from her. Rose had a more aggressive look on her face, crest raised. Twilight glared back at Rose until the griflet backed down, and lowered her crest submissively.

"RIght." She said. "I guess it was O.K." she glared at both of them. "You didn't seriously injure one another. Not for lack of trying."

Shining coughed.

"Do I have a sign on me that says interrupt me while I am speaking?" Twilight Velvet asked rhetorically. "I know you're going to tell me you were being careful. I don't care. It was dangerous. You don't actually know how to fight or spar, just to brawl. You don't even know any good defensive magic. I named you Shining Armour in the hopes that you'd develop into fine young man, but it feels that, just like your aunt Water Works, your talent is more ironically related to your name than directly related."

"Oh! What was Water Works' talent, Mrs Velvet?" Rose asked eagerly.

"Draining swamps and distilling alcohol." Velvet said shortly, ears flicking back and forth.

"That's kinda related" Rose said, cutely "I wish we griffons got cutie marks and special talents."

"Griffons get special talents, Rose, just not cutie marks that show them." Velvet said tightly, eye twitching irritably "Could you please stop interrupting my maternal rant? And stop trying to be cute to get Shining out of trouble. It's not going to work."

Rose scowled, upset at having been caught playing cute.

"Rose, I know Mrs and Mr Tarsal don't care about you fighting in the streets, but I do. I know you're a very good friend of Shiny, but the two of you need to stop this. I am enrolling Shiny in a martial arts class. I am also going to enroll you. As an incentive, if you actually show up for the classes with Shiny, and stop brawling in the streets, I will pay to have your wings fixed." Twilight said firmly. "Now, onto other matters. Shining Armour, did you complete your mission?"

"Uhhh" Shiny said

"Yes!" Rose said "He said I could babysit his little sister."

Rock Moon Rainbow and Gilda [Comedy] [Dark]

Author's Note

Would have been part of Chapter 4 of Rock Moon Equestria. It's not because I could not get it working right.

Rock Moon Rainbow and Gilda [Comedy] [Dark]

Several blocks and a couple of quick cart rides later, they came to a rest outside of an unusual shop. The sign seemed to be for both a doctor's and a watchmakers. Clockwork models of human anatomy sat in every window. Two strong female voices were bickering inside.

"You are a talentless hack!" One eerily familiar voice shouted.

"Better a talentless hack than a talented quack. The healing power of Electricity. Radium for health and safety. Premium Neighponese Snake oil." Another voice, less familiar than the first, shouted back.

"Hey, Snake Oil is a terrific lubricant! Not my fault most people want to take it internally!" The first voice responded.

"And the rest?" The second voice demanded accusingly.

"Pays the bills doesn't it, Nurse Gilda?" The first voice said. "As does my showwomanship."

Fluttershy pushed open the door, causing the bell overhead to chime elaborately. Two clockwork figures dressed in warm coats emerged over the door frame, and waved small flags that said 'A customer!' on them. They did an elaborate little flag-waving dance to the tune of the bells, then returned to recessed alcoves near the door.

The room was full of mannequins, anatomic models, and clockwork figures, as well as belts with electrodes attached, and strange metal devices that looked vaguely like egg beaters. In one corner was a surprisingly realistic collection of fake reproductive organs. A counter was festooned with bandages that had been soaked with blood and grease, and jars full of ether and oil. Behind the counter were two winged humanoids.

One of them was incredibly short, with rainbow hair under a page's cap, and long ears tucked tight against the cap. Her skin tone was blue and she was wearing a multi-colored vest and pantsuit, as well as a pair of black framed goggles. The other was a mid sized woman, just a head taller than Twilight, with bulging biceps and brow hair with a white spike sticking up at the very front. She mostly wore subdued tan and brown, and had a sharp, hawkish face.

Twilight stared at both of them. "Rainbow Dash and... Gilda?" She murmured to herself.

"Oh, have you met them before?" Fluttershy asked.

"Ah... no" Twilight said.

"So you've heard of them?" Fluttershy pressed.

"Ah... no." Twilight said "I'm just... really good at guessing names?"

Fluttershy gave Twilight a look best described as 'skeptical'.

The two women behind the counter had noticed the entrance.

"Hey there Flutters" Rainbow Dash said with an elaborate bow and scrape. She produced a bottle of some sort from her sleeve, falling neatly into the palm of her hand as she bowed. She offered it up to Fluttershy.

Fluttershy took the small brown bottle with colorful label and uncorked it, sniffing it cautiously. "Oh! My Laudanum! What's with the label? 'now with 20% more poppy than other leading brands'?"

"It's my new advertising schlick" Rainbow Dash said proudly. "Here move your thumb." Rainbow Dash stood on her tiptoes to forcibly push Fluttershy's thumb aside. "There, see? Rainbow Dash's Patented Triple Laudanum Extract."

"Oh my, that's certainly an impressive font. It's not a very catchy name though, is it? Do you really have to put your name on everything?" Fluttershy asked cautiously, as she put the bottle in one of the many hidden pockets in her habit.

"Well, how else are they going to tell it was made by someone as totally awesome as me?" Rainbow Dash asked, wide eyed, hands on her hips and wings flared.

Gilda whacked Rainbow Dash gently over the head. "I told you you shoulda called it 'Dash Juice'."

Rainbow Dash made a face. "Ew. Gilda, that brings up precisely the wrong images."

"Well it's not like you don't pee in the bot-" Gilda started to say leaning back with her hands on her hips.

Rainbow Dash lept up, wings buzzing like a hummingbird's, hands waving excitedly over her head. "EMPTY ONES! EMPTY ONES! WHEN THERE'S NOT A CHAMBERPOT AVAILABLE! AND I DON'T SELL MY PISS TO CUSTOMERS!"

"What about that one guy wi-" Gilda started again with a skeptical look.

"He was an ASSHOLE who DESERVED it." Rainbow Dash growled back firmly.

"He's come back for more three times. Says it treats his rheumatoid arthritis. Maybe we should start selling it to customers, Dashie" Gilda speculated.

"Ew. I did NOT need to hear that, Gilda." Dash covered her face with her hands, fingers barely spread to look through. "Ew. Ew. Ew. I don't need to know that some disgusting creep is getting off to my urine or something. Ew!"

"You're the one who said all that mattered was that it made money, not me!" Gilda said, glancing over her glasses at Dash. "You said you sold people these ineffective electrostimulation curealls because they're popular. Piss probably costs less to produce."

"Ew. No. Ew." Dash retreated away from Gilda, pressing herself against the wall and covering her face. She was laughing too hard to fly. "Ew Ew Ew!"

"For a doctor, you sure do have a strong sense of disgust, Dashie." Gilda chuckled while rolling her eyes.

"That's why I let you do all the surgery, Gildy." Dash shot back "While I do the clockwork and pharmacology." Dash turned back to Fluttershy. "Look, I know you didn't come here just for my laudium. Is that the target on your back?"

A soft bell chimed overhead as Fluttershy barged her way gayley through the door and into the hissing, ticking, shop. Inside brass and crystal mobiles hung from the ceilings and walls, and sat on shelves all ticking away. A thick cloying scent that reminded Twilight of Zecora hung in the air. Brass railings surrounded a circular hole in the middle of the ground. With a thunderclap, and a rainbow explosion, a rush of smoke exhaled from the hole.

"WHO ENTERS THE WORKSHOP OF RAINBOW DASH?!" The voice boomed, vibrating the room as a small blue winged creature burst forth from the hole in the floor. She was much shorter than Twilight, and shorter still then fluttershy, but her body glowed with light as she daintily settled herself on the shop floor. She was mostly nude, only wearing some white sashes and a golden laurel crown. It reminded Twilight of the outfit Rarity had once made for Dash, back in her home universe.

Fluttershy bowed gracefully to Rainbow Dash, gently lowering Twilight off of her back while Angel bunny hopped down onto the ground. Twilight watched a clockwork turtle trudge gently out of the hole, and begin calmly sweeping up the scattered remains of the sparks that Dash's entrance had thrown. Angel Bunny jumped on the turtle's back, and began riding it around the shop.

Twilight turned her attention back to Dash and Fluttershy, only to find that both of them were now looking at her.

Chapter 3 of Clean Slates: Shot in the Dark, original [Comedy] [Slice of life]

Twilight Velvet glared at her son and his gryphon friend skeptically. "Rose, you say you think you can babysit for us?"

Rose nodded eagerly "Yup, I've got younger and older siblings. How rough can it be?" Shining winced at the tempting of murphy.

The three of them were in Twilight Velvet's sitting room. Rose and Shining were heavily scuffed from their rather violent form of play, but in high spirits. Velvet knew that they were good friends, and knew that Rose needed the money. To be honest, they hadn't tried non-pony babysitters before. Maybe it would go better.

Twilight Velvet sighed "The problem is this, Rose. I'm worried. You're a good friend of my son, and if anything goes wrong on your watch it could hurt your friendship. Our daughter has special needs, are you sure you can handle her?"

Rose nodded enthusiastically enough that her wings spread from the force of her nods. "Don't you worry bout a thing Missus V."

Twilight Velvet tried to smile, and slid an envelope across the table to rose. "Right. This is your first payment, you'll be taking care of her today. Shining Armour, Nightlight, and I will be shopping."

Rose's eyes widened as she opened the envelope and began to count the bits "I think this might be too much."

"Mom, why do I have to come along" Shining whined at roughly the same time.

"Shiny, we need someone young and strong to carry. Rose, you can decide if it's too much after we get back. Twilight is a very sweet child though. Still, good luck." Twilight Velvet said, splitting her attention as she headed to the door.

Rose stared at the envelope after the parents had left. What exactly had she gotten herself into?

Rose headed up the stairs to get her first look at this mysterious foal. The foal in question was a unicorn, and not particularly remarkable. Purple in coloration, highlights in her hair. The foal was currently carefully nudging toy blocks together to build a structure that shared a vague similarity to Castle Canterlot. Rose would not have been able to tell what it was if it wasn't for the fact that the foal was squinting seriously out the window every couple of seconds before adjusting any particular block.

Rose rapped her claws gently on the door. "Hello, my name is Rose. I've heard you're Twilight?" She said.

"Am I?" The foal asked, turning to look at Rose, she squinted at Rose studiously. "I've never seen a pony like you before."

"That's because I'm not a pony. I'm a gryphon." Rose said cheerfully, stretching her claws forward and fluffling her wings.

"Huh" Twilight said, and turned back to the blocks.

"You building a replica of Canterlot Castle there?" Rose asked, carefully, bringing her nose closer to look at the blocks.

"Is that what it is?" Twilight asked, in an idle tone, like she wasn't actually present.

"Well I don't see what else could it be. There's not many castles in town, you know." Rose responded, curling her arms together and laying on her belly to watch the unicorn play. This wasn't that hard!

"huh" Twilight said, turning back to her blocks. Then she sneezed. The blocks went scattering all over the ground. She began to cry, a low moaning wail.

"Hey, hey, relax" Rose said, reaching forward to pat Twilight reassuringly.

Suddenly the foal burst into flames.

*Snap* Rose clacked her beak in an intense form of gryphonic profanity, and began battering her hand at the carpet to put out the fire that had transferred from the foal onto it. "Baby on fire!" She shouted, looking around the room for anything she could use.

She grabbed a pair of tongs from the fireplace, and picked up Twilight with them, then battered the burning carpet feircly with her tail, scorching the tuft. Twilight continued to wail as the flames danced brighter and brighter from her mane and tail.

Rose skittered through the halls, holding the foal. She turned on the shower, and shoved Twilight under the spray. A mist quickly sprung up to fill the room. Light shining through it refracted rainbows against the walls. Rose panted heavily, then looked into the tub.

Twilight had vanished. "What." Rose demanded. She continued to stare at the empty tub, flabberghast.

Rose heard giggling coming from the floor below. With a gryphonic shriek, Rose skittered down the stairs into the kitchen. There was Twilight, hoof in the cookie jar, doll on her back, munching away at the cookie jar.

"Hey, those aren't dinner" Rose said, pouncing for Twilight... Twilight vanished in a purple pop, leaving the doll behind. Rose held the doll confusedly, then cast it away. She began to slowly canvass the room, looking for Twilight. Behind her, forgotten, the doll began to slowly float towards the ceiling.

Rose heard creepy giggling echoing through the room, and began to slowly back up, wings mantled. She felt something brush against her wings, and whirled around aggressively, only to see that it was the doll, levitating upwards to Twilight hiding on the ceiling.

"Oh, you little brat!" Rose reached up to pluck Twilight from the ceiling. Twilight hiccuped, and suddenly the contents of the room were falling upwards, at a varying rate. First Rose hit the ceiling, then an unsecured table slammed into the ceiling next to her. Finally the cookie jar flew upwards, clonking Rose on the head. With another hiccup the cookie jar unceremoniously transformed into a potted plant.

Rose rubbed her head unhappily as Twilight walked across the floor of the kitchen out the door. At the last moment Twilight turned to raz Rose. Then gravity reasserted itself, and Rose fell again to the ground, twisting midair to land on her feet.

Twilight giggled and scampered off. "Not. Funny!" Rose shouted after her, scrabbling across the floor to dodge a falling potted plant, and to follow the foal.

Shining, Velvet, and Nightlight would return to the house to see an exhausted Rose, scorched and battered, laying in the corner with one eye open and widely focused on Twilight, the other eye closed. In her claws she was holding a mirror, a seltzer fire extinguisher, a rope lashed to the mantle, and a butterfly net. Twilight was following a toy train in circles around the room.

As the parents entered the room, Twilight tripped over the train, and ploughed nose first into an ottoman, catching on fire. Rose sprayed her with seltzer, putting her out. Twilight puffed out her cheeks and reversed gravity. Rose grimly held on to the rope attached to the mantlepiece.

Then Twilight noticed her parents, and skittered happily over to them, Smarty pants floating belatedly after her. "Hey! You three! You disappeared!" Twilight said, eagerly nuzzling at her mom.

Rose stood up, and carefully walked over to the four ponies. She held out a claw. NightLight put more money into it. She coughed. Nightlight put more money into it. She counted it carefully, then nodded. "Shining, you're a dear friend but please ask someone else to babysit your sister next time." She said in a dead, exhausted voice.

She walked out the door.

Author's Note

This was originally posted as chapter 3 for Clean slates, but in the end it's not what I wanted to I'm re-writing chapter 3. Inspired by Jak-jak attacks.

Imagine this stuff being what happened to Sunset Sapphire.