The Orgasmic Issues of Dear Celestia

by eLLen

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Random, Discord, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Comedy, Sex
Length: 1924

Princess Celestia's been dealing with some rather embrassing issues for so long, and she decides it's finally time to do something about it. Fortunately, she just so happens to have a sister and a student more than willing to lend a helping hoof.

Princess Celestia's been dealing with some rather embrassing issues for as long as she can remember, and she decides it's finally time to do something about it.

Fortunately, she just so happens to have a sister and a student that are more than willing to lend a helping hoof.

Now with a reading by Scarlett Blade. Click here to view.

Published 2015-04-07 01:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-07 01:50:02 UTC

She Hears You When You're Sleeping, She Knows When You're Awake...

“Care for more tea, your highness?”

“Certainly,” the princess replied, just noticing she’d emptied her own cup. As the castle servant scampered away in his quest for refreshments, Celestia heaved a contented sigh. Having lived for countless centuries, the alicorn had seen and experienced an abundance of different things, so when she said that today was an especially pleasant day, she truly meant it.

Her sun was shining down across the castle gardens, casting a painting’s worth of colors for her to enjoy. It was neither too hot nor too cold; it was in that odd pocket that could only be described as “just right”. Ordinarily, her serene moment would’ve been shattered by some no-good noble making a complaint that she would have to deal with, but her dear sister had offered to give her the day off. Fine by her, just let Luna deal with “I demand that you extinguish the sun so the light doesn’t get in my eyes.”

“Ah…” Celestia sighed, “What a lovely—”

“Oh dear Celestia!”

The princess continued staring out at her color palette of a garden, still wearing her gentle smile. “…What a lovely—”

“Ah! Oh Celestia, I… I… Ah!”

Her eye found itself twitching enough to put her former student to shame, but the princess didn’t notice. “…What a—”

“I-It’s like Celestia herself’s running her tongue through my—”

“What?!” the goddess cried, “I never… uh…”

She trailed off at seeing the horrified look plastered on the server’s face. He stood stock-still, not realizing the tea was streaming out from the pitcher and onto the grass. “Y-y-y-your majesty?” he squeaked.

Celestia sighed. “It is fine. Don’t mind me and my silly outbursts. Maybe I am getting too old for this?”

“Uh?”

Seeing the jab at humor had flown past his head and ended up with the tea on the grass, the goddess just shook her head. “I’ll be going inside now. Feel free to take the rest of the day off.”

“Uh.”

Magicking the half-filled pitcher into her grasp, she stood up and set a pace for her private office. “No more,” she hissed, “Words may never hurt me, but they sure as hay can be annoying.”

Three days later…

“Sister? Are you still in there?”

…

“Are you sure she’s in there?” Twilight asked.

Luna rolled her eyes. Beating her hoof against the chamber door again, she called, “This is not what I had in mind when I offered to give you a break. Why, you would not believe the requests these ponies make!”

…

“I don’t care how many vacation days you’ve built up while I was on the moon. Open the door! We’re not leaving until you do! Even Twilight is here.”

“Fine.” The door creaked open to allow Celestia’s head to poke through. “Get in here!” she whispered.

The two alicorns gasped. “Sister! What have you been doing? You look awful!”

“Awful?! My mane’s just a little tangled!”

“Your eyes are bloodshot.”

“They burn with a righteous fury.”

“…What? Sister, have you slept at all? You sound like me before the Nightmare, and I’m afraid I can’t recommend that.”

Celestia facehoofed. “Just get in.”

With a shrug, Luna entered as the door slammed shut behind her. “Now what…” Her words cut off as she froze in her tracks, her eyes shifting through the room formerly known as Celestia’s office. If there was a spot of free space, it had been taken up by books, chalk boards, diagrams, or some combination of the three.

“Uh, Princess Celestia? Just what have you been up to?! …If you don’t mind me asking, that is,” Twilight said as she stumbled her way to a place to stand.

Teleporting to the epicenter of the disaster area, Celestia threw on a mad grin as she waved her hoof around the room. “Magic!”

“Magic?”

“Magic!”

Luna only stared. “Is that where you get it from, Twilight?”

“Huh?”

“Never mind. Sister, would you care to explain what you’ve been doing the past three days?”

Celestia’s grin drooped as she looked at the mess that she’d built up around her. With a sigh, she said, “I’ve been trying to undo a curse.”

“A curse? Somepony laid a curse on you?”

“Maybe. I honestly don’t know. I’ve just had it as long as I can remember.”

Twilight cocked her head. “Then why haven’t you rid yourself of it earlier? And just what kind of curse are we talking about anyway?”

“For the first question, it is because I’ve always managed to tune it out in the past. As for the second question, it’s… a bit embarrassing. This curse isn’t necessarily harmful, in fact it’s been useful at times, but…”

“Yes?” Luna said, noting the blush flaring up on her sister’s cheeks.

“Whenever somepony calls my name, I can hear them.”

Luna and Twilight shared an equally confused glance. “I’m not following.”

“That’s all,” Celestia said, “Whenever somepony calls my name, I can hear them. I hear their words for a few moments as if they were next to me.”

“I see what you mean,” Twilight said, “That must be downright annoying at times. Such as when you’re trying to have a conversation. How did you manage to deal with that for so long?”

“When you wait one thousand years for your sister, you tend to build up a lot of patience.”

“Ah.”

Celestia shook her head. “But that’s not the problem. You see, there’s a certain… derivative of ponies that never cease to irk me.” She swallowed as she felt both sets of eyes on her. “My subjects tend to use my name in vain when they’re… making love.”

For a few moments there was silence. Then there was a sound akin to a balloon letting out air. Finally there was the eruption of laughter from Luna.

“Let me… get this straight,” she managed in between her cackling, “You hear ponies s-screaming out “Dear Celestia!” when they’re fu—”

“Yes. Yes I do,” she glared, “And I would appreciate you not laughing at this.”

She laughed harder.

As Celestia’s eyes pierced her sister, throwing the might of her “righteous fury,” Twilight cleared her throat, trying to push back her inner disgust. “Um… Princess? Can I ask what you’ve done so far to get rid of this unfortunate curse?”

Celestia stepped aside, allowing her student to glance over the notes scribbled across the chalk boards. “…Huh,” Twilight said, “I don’t see why that wouldn’t work. This is the most powerful cleansing spell ever created.”

“You’re that desperate?!” Luna cried, her mouth exploding into a new fit of laughter.

Her sister, however, didn’t share in her laughter. Lighting her horn with a golden glow, Celestia shot off a spell at her sister as a wry grin ran across her lips. Almost instantly, Luna’s face morphed into shock.

“Princess?” Twilight asked, “What did you just do?”

“Empathy spell. She can now hear what I hear,” she answered, letting out a few chuckles of her own as she took in the blush now staining Luna’s own cheeks.

“You mean you’ve been hearing ponies as we speak?!”

“You’d be surprised by what our subjects are capable of.”

“…Ew…”

Celestia thought for a moment. “I should talk to Cadence about this. Our little Goddess of Love may be working too efficiently—”

“Make it stop!” Luna cried out, “I’m sorry, sister! Just make it stop!”

“Good, Lulu. Glad you see it my way. Or hear it my way.” With a flash of magic, she lifted the spell.

“…Horrible…” Luna whispered, “The things they are into… the fetishes…” She shuddered.

“In any case, would you happen to have any ideas as to getting rid of this curse, Twilight? You’ve always been an impressive problem solver.”

“Thanks. Since a counter-spell doesn’t work, I suggest we try to root it at the source, but that would require…”

“Knowledge of where it came from,” Celestia finished, “And I don’t know where.”

Twilight’s face scrunched up in thought, “Where would such a demeaning, devious, and disgusting curse even come from…?”

In seconds, three sets of eyes shot open.

“Discord.”

“Discord.”

“Definitely Discord.”

“Alright, you’ve caught me red-clawed and red-pawed! I did it!” Discord wailed, throwing his forelimbs into the air, “I cast that curse years ago during your sweet sixteen thousandth, Celly.”

Celestia facehoofed. “I should’ve listened to mother when she said you were no good.”

He smirked. “But you just couldn’t resist my charm.”

“Keep telling yourself that.”

Twilight glanced to Luna. “Were they dating?”

“I’m afraid I’m forbidden by law to reveal that information. She classified it eons ago.”

“Now then,” Celestia said, “I demand that you finally lift this curse.”

Discord shook his head. “No can do, Celly. You think I actually remember how I cast it?”

“What? Surely you can snap your fingers and remove it!”

“Except this is one of my curses. Who knows what tampering with it would do?”

Celestia gawked. “Can’t you do something?”

He lifted his tail-hand to his chin as he thought for a moment. “…Well…”

“Yes?”

“I could transfer it to somepony else. Leave it intact and simply move it. You’d just need to find a willing victim—er, subject. I’d say unwilling, but you’ve always been a goody four-shoes.”

Celestia’s eyes narrowed. “How about you?”

“Me?”

“Yes, you. Why, I doubt there’s a single pony who would use your name in vain.”

“Hm. Considering that you just said no one likes me…”

Once again, Celestia found herself facehoofing. After a taking in a deep breath, she threw on a warm smile. “Please, Discord? For me?” she cooed, batting her eyelashes.

“Er… Oh, fine!” he said, “But only because I happen to like little pony princesses.” With a snap of his fingers, he said, “Done.”

Celestia waited for a moment, ears perked, before bursting into a wide grin. “Thank you!”

“Don’t mention it. No, seriously. Don’t.”

“Can you hear anything?” Twilight asked.

“Other than a few alicorns, nothing.”

“Splendid. Now, can we leave?” Luna asked, “I want to forget this whole ordeal ever happened.”

Celestia nodded. “Very well. We have a kingdom to get back to anyway. Thanks again, Discord.”

“I said don’t mention it!”

One week later…

Twilight gasped as a certain spirit of chaos came barreling through her window.

“Twilight!” Discord shrieked, “This curse is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. I’d rather be a garden statue!”

“What?!”

He pulled her close, staring daggers into her eyes. “You’ve got to help me.”

Twilight gulped. “Wha… What’s the problem?”

“What’s the problem?! My whole chaotic life is slowly being ruined! That’s the problem!”

“Okay, okay, back up. As scared as I am to hear it, tell me what’s going on.”

“It’s the same problem Celly had.”

“…There’s ponies that are actually using your name like that?”

He shook his head. “Just one. Three PM. Every day.”

“Uh. And just how am I supposed to help?”

“Because you're friends with her.”

Twilight made something akin to a squeak.

“Here, I wrote a letter describing in detail what I will not do to her,” he said, conjuring up a scroll, “Her name’s on the top. Please give it to her.” With that, he vanished in a shower of pink and yellow sparkles.

Twilight sighed. “Well, this isn’t how I expected the day to go.” She magicked the scroll open but rolled it back up immediately as she caught sight of just one ‘what he will not do to her.’

“Oh dear Celestia!” she cried.