The Bandit Hunter

by Imperium Bedlam

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Human, Anthro, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Other, Nightmare Moon, Original Character
Length: 8382

In an Equestria where bandits and idiots roam free, someone has gotta take the law into their own hands. Even if they aren't exactly a pony.

"The best weapon for an enemy is another enemy." - Friedrich Nietzsche

I ain't really sure if that applies to me, but it sure well fits. In the war between sisters ah'm stuck workin' fer both sides while I try to figure out where these weird hybrid assholes are gettin' their guns. I know for a fact that they didn't invent them on their own, simply cause most of 'em are idiots and peace lovers. Which means ah'm stuck goin' after their suppliers, a real nasty group called the Steelers. And well, ah ain't exactly gonna leave a trail o' roses in mah wake.

Cheers to m2pt5 for editing this for me. Good job buddy.

Published 2015-05-04 00:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-14 00:14:43 UTC

Let's Start With A Bang!

Even as I walked away they kept chasing after me, bloody morons. Still, they didn't have much of a hope thanks to my trusty Cyber Eagle. There weren't even that many of them left and I'm pretty sure that if any of them had seen what I'd done to their friends... well, there ain't no gettin' vengeance after that splatter-fest. "Trois." Another shot, right on target as per usual. The furry freak never saw it coming.

So, maybe I should introduce myself right? "Deux." Woo, copped her right through her eyeball. I'm pretty sure she saw that coming. How many of these idiots are left anyway? Ah well, ain't no cure for stupidity I suppose. Oh right, I'm getting off track. The name's Natalie, though ever since I got stuck on this odd planet filled with weird hybrid people I've been going by my persona's name. Ripped it straight from the game, or games I suppose, but hey as long as it's memorable then I've got no worries.

Ahhh I'm getting off track again aren't I? Wait, am I? Sorry, I get so wrapped up in my own world sometimes. Heck, right now I'm just standing on the outskirts of some 'private company' as they like to call themselves. I usually just call 'em assholes though. Anyway, I'm just kinda standing here, looking out at the train station as their main building looms up behind me. Oh hey, speakin' of which, I think I see the train right now. "Un."

Haha! Fucking idiot thought he could sneak up on me! And would ya look at that! Got him right through his schnoz. Wait, they call them muzzles don't they? Super weird. I mean, just 'cause you got a big nose doesn't mean ya gotta give it a whole new name. Ah shit I'm getting off track again. Sorry again. Where was I? Oh right. Let me just hop up on this platform for a sec... there we go. Hmmm, no passengers, that's a tad odd.

"Hey Track Timer! Ain't there gonna be anybody else on the train today?" Good ol' Timer, could always trust him and his kin to keep to their schedule. His passengers on the other hand...

"Sorry Nisha, news got out about a bandit encampment up north that're packing some of the guns you'd get from the Steelers." That's right! My new name is Nisha if ya couldn't guess. Wait, Steelers? Ohohoho, looks like I might get a lead today after all. Poor old Timer just sighed and shook his head, I think I may have been smiling a little too wide. "Fine, but you remember that I'm hightailing it at the first sign of trouble right?"

"Wouldn't expect any less from ya." I just smiled and made my way into the train, taking my usual seat close to one of the carriage doors. Whoops, one more thing I almost forgot. I brought up my ECHO communicator and stashed away my Eagle, never really knew how the thing worked but it sure beats actually carrying around my guns all the time. Ah the Auditing Fremington's Edge with bonus fire damage, oh how you light up the world when I shoot you at stuff.

I wound down the little window beside me and changed my position so that it wouldn't be too uncomfortable sticking this baby out the window. I mean the gun by the way, I don't stick actual babies out windows unless I intend to drop them, and I've never really had a reason to drop a baby out of a window. Anyway let me see... There you are ya little blighter! Poor guy really wasn't having any luck today, especially with all those Eridium-laced explosives I used to tie him up.

He looks kind of adorable in that little uniform of his, shaking about in his ropes without a care in the world~ Besides the explosives of course. Well don't you worry little guy, I'll put you out of your misery real soon, even though I'm the one who put you into it but really can ya blame me? It's gonna look so awe-hyuck! Argh! Dammit Timer, damn you and your OCD for schedules! Maybe I shouldn't have rambled on so much... naah.

Doesn't make much difference anyway, after all, I never miss and even if I do happen to miss, I don't. I pushed the stock of my Edge against my shoulder while I looked down the sight at the poor fellow. One shot wouldn't really kill him right? I mean, he has that mask on for a reason so I'm sure he'll be fine. Ew gross, he wet himself, yea I've had my fun I suppose. With barely a thought I activated my showdown skill, my scope moving just a smidge to the left as it locked on perfectly with the target I drew on him earlier. Eh, we can't all be perfect I suppose.

A light tap on the trigger and the gun didn't even kick as it sent a bullet right where I was aiming, digging into the pony's mask and leaving a nasty dent while setting the poor guy on fire as I pulled away from the window and hugged my gun. "Oooh my precious baby!~ I love your ninety-six point two percent accuracy~" I was gigglin' like a schoolgirl as the scope slid forward and I pulled out the mag, quickly replacing it with another before resting it up against the seat while the Showdown's timer reached its end, and I pulled out a small button before gently pressing it. "Aaand, zéro".

The explosion that seemed to rock the world lasted a minute at best as the consequent explosives went off one by one, forming a cacophony of destruction on the small corporation I left in my tracks. Really, a lot of my skills can be called 'overpowered' I suppose, but it doesn't mean they aren't fun. 'The Unforgiven' is definitely a favorite of mine.

I haven't really explained much have I? Sorry again, as I said, it's a bad habit. I kicked my boots up and tilted my hat forward slightly, always glad to get a bit of rest between shootouts. Anyhow, name's Nisha, though folks tend to call me The Lawbringer. I coulda sworn the world just froze fer a second there... ah well. So, my story starts out when one day me and mah friend Ma- JESUS MARY JOSEPH! Right ahhh, anyway, I'll get back to the story in a bit, the train is tipping pretty dangerously close to the- HOW MANY OF THOSE THINGS DO YOU IDIOTS HAVE?!- Right, right, anyway, right. I'll be right back, just have a few short... errands to run.

"Give it back ya damn mutt!" I kept struggling to pull on the hat while Sarah's Rottweiler 'Mindy' kept tugging it back like it was some kind of stupid game. "If ya don't let go of it right now I'm gonna skewer you on the hen-house. Now, let go!" I didn't have much time to yelp as the hat tore along the rim slightly and Mindy let it go. I swear the bitch was laughing at me as I rubbed my back in pain.

"Still playing tug of war back here Nat? You know we've got to get going in the next few minutes or we're going to be waiting in line for ages." I huffed as Maddie walked in. She'd had her Gaige outfit ready for months, she was practically radiating enthusiasm. Meanwhile I was sitting on the floor in pain with a newly torn shitty stetson I managed to find on ebay. The rest of the outfit I had down pretty well though.

We had a sort of Borderlands theme going. I was going as Nisha, one of the boss characters in Borderlands Two and Borderlands: The Pre-sequel. Maddie was going as Gaige from Borderlands 2, and Aaron was outside in the car, waiting in a Salvadore getup because he reckoned he would be the cheapest to go as.

"What the hell am I supposed ta do with this now! My whole cosplay is ruined!" I grumbled at Mindy who just mockingly looked on from the sidelines. Maddie helped me up and cleared up some of the smudges on my arm from the floor. Oh right, we managed to get these special markers, no idea what they were called, that wouldn't smudge very easily or get worn down with sweat. We'd used them to draw lines on ourselves to sorta replicate the cell shadin' from the games. Apparently Aaron saw some people do that last year and wanted to give it a go, wasn't nearly as easy as he thought to draw them on though.

"Oh relax Nat, you'll be fine. Even without the hat you're a pretty close match to Nisha if it wasn't for the accent. And I'm sure you'll be able to find a replacement at one of the stores there. Last time Aaron and I went there was a whole stand just filled with random stuff from different games and those cartoons he likes so much." She did the finishing touches on one of the lines, patting it down with something that was supposed to help it dry or something.

"Thanks Mad, it's a good thing at least one of us knows how this stuff works. Wait, what's wrong with mah accent?!" I glared at her slightly while Mindy barked at the two of us, makin' me redirect my scowl to her. "Oh get out of here ya brat, you've caused enough trouble!" Bloody dog's tail was waggin' as it left, probably to go mooch some food off Sarah or somethin'. Damn mutt.

Maddie panicked slightly as she tried to hold me still. "Calm down there Nat, you're going to get it smudged up! Now just relax alright, we'll make sure that getting you a new hat is the first thing we do okay?"

I sighed and relented and sighed as I picked up the torn hat, wiping some of the mutt's slobber onto mah sisters favourite chair. "Alright Mad, but fer now I'll just duck-tape it alright? Hopefully that'll keep the thing in place." She calmed down once she realized I wasn't as riled up as earlier before nodding and heading out the door.

"Oh and don't forget, Ryan's going to meet us there~," she singsonged as she left, while I just grumbled and looked around for the tape. She was just one of those types y'know? The kind of girl who thinks if ya don't want to be in a relationship it's 'cause you haven't been in one, so they end up tryin' to push ya into somethin' you don't agree with. Oh well, ah'll definitely make sure to tell her to stop after today if anything.

Oh hey! Yer back! Where did y'all head off to? A loud snap rang out as the unicorn crumpled in my arms, no longer tryin' to yell out fo- oh you've swapped to first person 'ave ya? What lazy asshole is in charge anyhow? At least try to keep to a consistent style of writing or whatever it is you eedgit. Right, better get adjusted to this now so just gimme a sec.

I stood up after rifling through the hairball's pockets and pocketing some of his rifle ammo. Waste not, want not amiright? I'd made sure to swap out my rifle for something a little more close ranged, the Bad Touch Jack-O-Cannon. Why would I use this instead of a more conventional weapon with some form of elemental damage? Well fer one I don't really like elemental damage unless it's fire. What? I got a penchant for hot things, ya can hardly blame me.

There was a loud tearing sound as I ran one of the 'earth' ponies through with the big ol' meat-ripper attached to my gun, my second reason for picking it. Bloody idiot ended up screaming his lungs out even as I was tearing through them. Ah well, wasn't one fer sneaking around anyways. I just pulled the trigger and blew the idiot off the end of my gun, I didn't even notice the two winged ones creepin' up on me. Didn't have to either as some of the bullets ricocheted off the unicorn and went straight to the wings of one of them and the others thyroid.

As you can imagine, the first one screamed out while the other choked silently on his own blood, clutching his hands around his throat fruitlessly. Jeez there were a lot of male bandits nowadays, way back when it used to be the females who dominated that industry, though I suppose most of 'em have joined up with the Steelers now. Dangit, I forgot to explain this didn't I? For fuck's sake.

Well, before you nitwits chickened out a rocket managed to find its way to the cabin in front of mine. Good thing there were no passengers on board I s'pose. Then while my cart while still moseying along the tracks on its own momentum the money-grubbing fucknuggets jack-knifed it with some mish-mash of car parts they called, and I'm not making this up, a Jackknife. The blasted thing had these big old hook things on the front so that it'd stay attached to the cart and enough speed to knock it off the rails.

Then, of course, they shot it again at point-blank, almost blowing their own vehicle up while I was knocked out of my seat and almost lost my wittle Daisy. Oh right, I decided to name my rifle on a whim when I was standing on top of the train car and headshotting any psycho that came at me. The way their heads exploded kinda reminded me of flowers, hence the name.

Almost finished explainin' so don't go groanin' yet. Anyway, I managed to figure out that these bandits were the ones Timer had told me about considerin' they had Steeler guns and some of them even wore this flashy logo that kinda looked like a train on fire. Turns out they called themselves the 'Train Jackers', dumb name right? I mean, Equestria barely uses trains for transporting supplies anymore, mainly use them for tourists or movie sets.

Considerin' Timer had nicked off thanks to the explosion I just stole the car they used to knock the train car over, drove right up to their base and went right in through the front gate. Stupid right? I mean, Equestrians had been doing this kind of thing way back before I ever got here and yet some of them still didn't know the reason some nations had guards at the front gates. Mostly hicks though, the smarter companies like the ones I raided earlier had these fancy I.D. badges and everythin'. Made it so much easier to find out who was in charge and get that dynamite strapped to 'im.

I'm gettin' off track again so let me make this simple. I'm currently shootin' these fellers in their ugly muzzles on account of the weapons they got. These real fancy guns colored in yellow that you can get from the Steelers. I'm mostly just followin' a hunch but ahm pretty sure if I can find out where the Steelers main base is then ah can find out where they're gettin' these guns, since I'm damn well sure the ponies didn' make them. They're way too... similar. Which brings us to now, or at least as close to now as I can explain in a few sentences.

Point is, that's the main reason I've now got my gun at the neck of this big moron covered in armor that couldn't stop a wooden dagger if someone swung it fast enough. He's kinda just layin' on the ground sweatin' his man-tits off while I adjust my lollipop across my mouth. I wasn't too sure when I got it outta my pocket amidst the carnage but I ain't complainin', bloody love strawberry. "I'm not sayin' this again flapjack, where'd you idiots get the guns?"

He sputtered a bit, goin' through a few phases of anger, fear, hatred and depression with his eyes lookin' all over the place before finally givin' in. "Alright! Just please don't hurt me!"

"Those're the words ah like to here, so go on and spit it out." I lifted a foot up and went to push it down on his chest, guy was so big I missed though and winced as I heard a crunching noise. Never heard a guy squeal like that before, and didn't really feel like hearin' it again.

Took him a while but eventually he managed to sputter out a few words between his sobbing and relentless twitching. "We man-managed to rob a couple of shipments tha-th-that were heading to a place called P-P-P-." Really he is just being frustrating.

"Spit it out already Taco Tits!" I stomped down on the guys knackers, making 'im scream silently for a bit before he managed to pull off a smile, so I just rolled my eyes, lifted my gun to his head and pulled the trigger. Turned the idiots head to mush and some of the bullets bounced to the upwards and a little to the side.

I sighed as I headed out, bringing up my ECHO and looking over the map as I stood at the front doorway. "Now let's see... places beginning with 'P' 'round here... Well that sure makes it easy." Was only one town close enough for these idiots to 'ave hijacked anythin' headed that way. Now, these guys hijacked trains and there weren't many headed to and from Ponyville. If I add in that it'd be on this side of the town since I doubt these idiots would actually get close to the town, then there's only a couple of towns and cities that woulda sent the guns over.

Well, this was rather easy. Ah suppose I'll pay a visit to Ponyville first and see if I can't find the guys receiving the guns to narrow down me search. This shouldn't take too long so long as- *beep beep* motherfuckers! Can't even give a girl a few days vacation without some stupid reason to throw me back into No Man's Land. Right, I'll just get whatever... Celly wants me to do out of the way and hopefully her and her stupid sister don't need me again for a few days so I can get my business sorted.

Okay Nisha! You've got yer goals sorted, now to find a way ta get to Canterlot. I suppose the shitty car will have to do. I didn't really care about the blood soaked sniper that fell from above as I left, wasn't going to be any good if it actually took the blighter that long to aim the stupid thing.

Author's Note

Do note the linked images are just the basic versions of the guns and not the one's she's actually using.

So, what do you guys think? Should I work on this as well or focus on Mal?

Maybe Its More Of A Loud Fizzle

"You want me to do what?!" The guards leveled their assault rifles at me as I shouted up at the bitch who was just smirking. Celestia, Princess of Equestria, goddess of the sun and all around a complete pain in my ass. She was one of three 'ponies' somehow gifted with the wings of a pegasus, the horn of a unicorn and the rack- I mean, the strength of an earth pony. Sure her sister was more ruthless, but Celestia is just so... argh!

"It's a simple request Nisha, you are to head out and rid the town of Appleloosa of its newfound bandit infestation then convince them to send their supplies to Equestria before my sister can get ahold of them. I have no idea why you're so frustrated about this." She showed a bit of concern as she looked down at me, waving at her guards to put away their guns as I just facepalmed.

"Finally fuckin' found a goddamn lead and she sends me out to the middle of fuck-all nowhere," I grumbled to myself while Celestia's ears perked up. Those things creeped me out so much, no matter how long I'd been here talking to someone with swiveling ears is just distracting.

"What was that, Nisha?"

"Nothing, your highness, just tell me how much yer gonna pay me fer this." Wasn't like I much had a choice. If I didn't take the job then she was bound to brand me some kinda criminal and I would lose a valuable source of income, gotta keep feedin' my babies somehow. Once more I mean my guns, just in case ya couldn't pick up on it.

"Really Nisha, if you were just anypony then you'd quickly be branded a heretic by my nephew with the way you talk to me. As it is however, he still wants your head on his wall." She nodded to her guards and they quickly filed out of the room before two others walked in, carrying a large chest between them. "And as for your reward, I sincerely hope this would suffice."

Didn't really give them time to drop the chest before I kicked it out of their furry hands. Don't think I'll get used to that either. The chest ended up toppling open and landing on the foot of one of them, his expression was pretty funny as he tried not to squeal in front of his princess. That wasn't my main focus though, more accurately I was drawn to the large piece of equipment that toppled out of the chest.

My mouth was practically waterin' as I looked over it. I knelt down beside it as my hands hovered over the frame of the weapon before quickly grabbing it and stuffing it into my inventory along with the rockets that'd fallen out with it. Took me a while, after checkin' out it stats, before I finally looked back at the smug Alicorn. "How-?"

"I managed to put in a special order with the Steelers a few months ago. I certainly hope that this means you'll be taking the job?" There it is, that smile she always wore when she knew she'd won, just a few degrees off from the usual smile she wore around any of her subjects.

"But I heard they weren't gonna sell anyone a Launcher since th-" She raised her palm to cut me off before explaining.

"As I said, special orders. And as I've told you before, I am contractually unable to tell you anything about them, so will you be taking the job or not, Nisha?" Getting a mite impatient aren't we Celly-belly? Not like I get much of a choice anyway, heartless bitch.

Okay then, plan A is go along to this stupid town out in the boondocks and shoot up a few guys before comin' all the way back and searching through Ponyville to find out who's missing a shipment of guns. Plan B is... make a run for it I guess? Well I'm obviously too psyched about trying out my new gun to come up with a reasonable plan of action. "Fiiiiiinnneeee, can ya at least give me the name of the guy in charge this time so I don't have to go 'round asking everyone before I put a bullet in them."

She smiled and nodded before making her way back up to her throne, the two guards who'd brought in the Launcher making their way back outside while her other guards returned and took up their positions. "He's a brash Earth pony colt who goes by the name of Fisto-" a few of the guards tried to hold back their snickers, "and as I said earlier, he has taken over a small town called Appleloosa. He and his Finger Men-" one of the guards chuckled before hastily covering his mouth, "are forcing the residents to hand over all their products, mostly consisting of apples. Lots and lots of apples." The princess shivered before continuing on.

"To restate, your mission is to clear out the bandits and convince the residents of Appleloosa to sell their goods on Equestrian soil. Am I understood?"

Meanwhile I had been covering my own mouth, trying not to laugh for most of the time until I noticed Celestia had finished talking. I quickly removed my hand and mock saluted, trying not to smirk too hard. "Aye aye ma'am. Ah'll make sure ta break a few Fingers." Another chuckle from one of the guards who got quickly silenced by a jab in the ribs from his co-worker, gotta love how professional they're trying to be, almost kinda adorable.

"And as per usual, you are not allowed to speak a word of this to the public. I want complete silence on the matter." Her eyebrows were really getting a workout today from all the frowning and smiling she's had to do these last few minutes.

I just shrugged and made the 'lips are zipped' motion before heading out and tripping a few nobles as they passed me in the corridors. Woo boy, hopefully Fisto can at least give me something better than the usual duck hunt. If not... ehh I'll just castrate 'im, that usually shuts 'em right up.

One of the guards standing in the throne room, one of the few not really amused at the mention of Fisto, decided to voice his concern to Celestia. He awkwardly raised his hand, somehow feeling like a young school-colt again in her presence. "Um, excuse me your highness?"

She gave him a calm motherly smile, following with a casual and almost friendly "Yes? What is it Lead Shot?" He almost grew weak at the knees from her attention, if it weren't for the years of training and months of service at her majesties side then he'd easily be fawning over her mere presence.

"I don't mean to be rude, your highness, but what are we to do about... that?" He gestured over to the large hole in the wall, the remnants of what was once a ramshackle automobile used to ram and derail train carts scattered amongst the ruins of brick and mortar. A few skid marks led out into the Canterlot gardens where a few of the statues on display had been knocked over. Yet the question remained, how had Nisha gotten the vehicle up the side of the mountain?

"Oh."

"Look Nisha, you know the rules as well as I so stop your complaining!" He stomped his hoof while I just hung my head. It was really hard comprehending their anatomy sometimes, how do ya even evolve to have hooves for hind legs yet stand bipedally and even have hands. Didn't really matter I suppose so long as their brain is where I expect it.

I rubbed at my head as I groaned, stomping my way towards the train. "Argh, fine! You better 'ave at least reserved mah seat else ah'll be takin' back every little bit of that ten percent increased train fare ah keep givin' ya!" The new cart's doors were soundproofed apparently, couldn't even hear him yell at me about how I had yet to pay the aforementioned fees. Well, would ya look at that!

Oooh that genius little prick! I would kiss him if he weren't half horse, though I may as well consider it after this. That lovable train driver went so far as to have my name stitched into the chair. Sure the warning labels on the doors were a tad stand-offish but they could be ignored if I had this comfortable lug all to myself! Hey, they might even keep any other passengers from disturbing me while I sleep.

My well deserved and much needed rest was foiled when a pony wearing the most obvious 'I'm incredibly suspicious and probably a molester' outfit stepped through one of the doors. Didn't even have time to yell at him as the train started off and pushed me into my embroidered seat. I just grumbled as the pony sat across from me, his stupid ears twitching slightly as the train whistled to show it had begun a new voyage. "Look, are ya really gonna keep wearing that? Ah mean, it doesn't even cover your face very well and ah'm pretty sure those sunglasses weren't designed to hide bat pony eyes."

Oof! "Stupid bloody bat! Get offa me!" I was kicking at the bat currently trying to hug at my midsection with my boot on his cheek. That perverted grin of his was clearly visible as the hat and sunglasses were knocked off his head to show his slightly glowing, slitted eyes.

"Nishaa~ I haven't seen you in so long! Why don't you give brother Nightshade a hug, my little Nisha~" That sent a shiver up my spine so I promptly kicked him back into his chair. He let out a creepy giggle as he took off his cloak, revealing the uniform he'd worn underneath with his cutie mark emblazoned on the front. "You never were one to show affection, were you Nisha. Don't worry, papa Nightshade still loves you, dear."

I unholstered my Eagle and pointed it right at his grinning, perverted little sack of shit face. "What do you want Shade? Cause as far as ah can see it the longer ah gotta be near ya the longer ah gotta hear about your sick little daughter fetish, so spill before ah chuck you out the window."

"Uwaa, alright! I'll behave! I'll behave!" I put away my gun as he coughed before composing himself, taking on a much more serious posture from the fool he was earlier. "I come with another job offer from you-know-who." After sitting there looking confused for a while he sighed and reiterated. "I mean Nightmare Moon. Come on, I'm just trying to come up with a cool nickname for her, 'The Nightmare' gets so boring after you hear it at every single tavern you visit."

"Right, well maybe ya should start off with somethin' a bit more creative. Ahm pretty sure that's already been used in some kinda major book series somewhere. Also, ah thought ah told ya ah wasn't gonna take any more jobs from the Queen of Stereo-Goth after the one that was literally 'head into this place full relatives of ponies you've killed and come back alive'."

Shade huffed before shifting in his pedo-cloak a bit and trying to look sorry. "A job you happily agreed to once we told you the reward." He held up a finger to shush me before I could even get a chance to talk. "And yes, I know I forgot to warn you about the bomb, but that was my bad, not hers. So could you please at least listen to what I have to say, for old time's sake?"

Somehow these ponies had mastered the art of puppy dog faces, probably due to their anime sized eyes. For bat ponies over the age of ten it was more... twisted. "Right, ah'll do it. Just stop yer pouting before ah throw up."

He smiled before clearing his throat and handing me an envelope. "Your mission is to eliminate this target, word is that she's holed up in Appleloosa working for some schmuck going by the name of Fisto. And as ridiculous as that sounds, no I'm not lying." Oooh this was turning out to be a convenient day so let's have a peek... Eh, I guess she has her looks going for her. Probably. I'm not a very good judge of equine attractiveness.

"Well ya got yerself a deal Shade, ah was jus' headed there anyway so this'll be a cinch." I idly opened up my ECHO and flicked over to the inventory screen, looking through what weapon would be most appropriate, really sucked that I only had one weapon slot available but if ah can keep hold of about fifty things at once then who am I to complain? "Anything else ya gotta tell me before ah throw you out of the window?"

"Only that we have very little information on her, other than she's a big spy working under Celestia. Kill her off and she loses almost all of the information for that area. That and she has some kind of family member with her. And Nisha, I thought I told you to cut it out with the jokes after that nasty prank you played on Moon Glimmer~" Ah, back to pervert mode I see.

Calmly, I closed my ECHO device and leaned over to hug Nightshade tightly, planting a kiss on his lips that probably would've reduced most city ponies to a twitching mess, considering how sheltered they are. Even with his training Nightshade was no exception to this due to personal affection probably, getting a creepy grin on his face and blushing almost non-stop, even as I shifted him so that I only held him by the back of his coat and uniform. "Well it was a good time seeing ya again Nightshade, ah really do hope we never meet again."

His expression didn't change and I made sure to keep my eyes away from his, eh, lower parts as I pulled him back before slamming his face into the window. Unfortunately it didn't break as I hoped, didn't even crack. Looks like Timer decided to get some stronger windows for this carriage. Must've been pretty expensive. While this was a great bit of news to me since I now had some added safety, Shade didn't fare so well with his newly broken muzzle.

"Ah, sorry about that bud, ya can take it offa mah reward after ah get done alright?" Even unconscious, he still managed that creepy grin. Having that plan foiled I decided to open the window this time, then throw him out of the train. This tactic proved much more successful so ah made sure to keep a note of it for about two seconds before I was now free to enjoy the comfort of my new chair.

A harried opening and slamming of the carriage door, accompanied with the no longer muffled sound of the tracks as the train drove over the rails had decided today was going to be an annoying, but still lucky, day. "Is everypony in here okay! My friends and I saw somepony rolling outside the train and it looked like they had been thrown out!"

Darn Nightshade, even in death he annoys me to no end. I gave the purple unicorn a dismissive wave, ignoring the two pairs of eyes behind her as I looked over the back of my seat. "Don't worry about it sugar, was jus' dealin' with a molester. Y'all can head on back to yer own cart now. Shoo shoo."

The pony was apparently easily annoyed, immediately looking around for some excuse to disprove my claim before noticing somethin' pretty obvious. "Where is everypony? Why is it that you get a carriage to yourself?" Oh wow she was going to be a headache wasn't she? Quick brain, think of something that won't stain the new carriage... That'll work ah suppose.

"None of yer business missy, so why don't ya go an' head on back to your cart and ah'll stay in here. Sound like a plan?" One of the ponies with her gasped and stuck her head over her friend's shoulders, the pink almost blinding as it contrasted with the mostly dull cart.

"Don't you have any friends to travel with!?" She'd somehow managed to zoom into the seat across from me where poor old Nightshade had been just moments ago, maker rest his soul. "I mean travelling in such a big cart all by yourself must get pretty lonely right? Right? are you on some kind of super secret super hero mission that forces you to abandon the ones you love in order to protect them?! Oh no! But if that's true then you must get really lonely on long trips which isn't very fun at all! Oh I know! How about my friends and I all come in here and we can be temporary friends so that we don't get in the way of your super secret superhero things!"

...Wow that sure was a mouthful. How did she manage to do all that in one breath? Maybe she can do that breathing technique that lets you breathe while you talk or something? And what was that she said about crashing my- "Oh no you don't, you and yer friends can get and leave me to my lonesome alright?" I was pushing the preposterously pink presence's plump plot towards the exit only for her to zip past me with her friends, dazed and confused as they were, now sitting on the seats behind me.

"Oh fer the love of all that is sacred, at least get yer rump outta mah chair!"

Author's Note

Yup, this is one of the ways I am spending my time when I have a small moment of peace from exams.

Don't judge me, fool.

Don't kill me off so quickly!

I didn't, shut your stupid face.

Chapter 3

The entire reason I'm releasing this chapter is because I'm cancelling the story and I didn't feel like having this unfinished chapter just sitting here. So yea, here is what was to be the first half of the third chapter. Enjoy it if you want or just ignore it altogether.

Two whole hours of nothing but posing and walking, god this was gettin' ridiculous. Of course there was always the occasional photographer or convention-goer that seemed determined to point out my missin' hat like it was the end of the world and the only way to save it was by pointing out for the hundredth time that day that I DID NOT HAVE MAH HAT! Ah swear when Ah get mah mitts on that stupid fuckin' dog Ah'm gonna tear it's hea-

Maddie chose that moment to press a cold water bottle to my neck, making me jump and flinch away as she giggled at me before handing me the drink. "Come on Nat, I can practically hear your accent flaring up, just cool off alright? I'm sure we'll find a good replica somewhere." I calmed down and took a long drink of the water, hadn't really realized how bad the heat was getting to me. They could have at least turn the air-conditioners up or somethin' so Ah wouldn't 'ave to stand here meltin' mah pants off and tryin' to get a coupla hundred o' feet away from any jerkoff 'ere that reckon's jus' because ah'm all dressed up means it's alright fer them to-!

Once more Maddie interrupted me, though this time with a bit more physical contact as she whacked my hat-less head. Sighing, I straightened up and stretched my legs slightly. "You've gotta point Mad, maybe a walk would help. Wanna come?" I asked her to which she shook her head and simply pointed at a large clock attached to one of the walls. "Ah, two-thirty, ya gotta go meet up with Aaron by the panel dontcha?"

She smiled and nodded, reaching into her pocket before drawing out a map and handing it to me. "You'll be fine Nat, and I managed to mark down a few of the vendors that had bits of clothing hanging around before I got dragged off for a photo. You might be able to find what you're looking for at one of those." Her glee was contagious as I looked over the map and nodded, some kinda plan was better than nothing.

We'd talked over where we were going to meet up after the panel before heading our separate ways. Some of the activity was flaring up as yet more people arrived, many of those who'd been since opening having already gotten what they'd come for and were now just wanderin' around. Meanwhile I'd had to walk up to the closest vendor on the map, and probably the creepiest. Dude was lookin' shifty as fuuuck in that outfit.

This guy had everything though! Keyblades, fake gems, a model rocket launcher and even a hat! Not just any hat though, exactly the hat I was looking for and with a price tag displaying the measly price of ten dollars. I was so caught up in my awe I barely noticed someone lightly bump into me as I reached for my wallet, which was decidedly not where I'd put it. After a while of me looking like an idiot as I patted around my pockets the guy coughed loudly into his fist to get my attention. "Not enough cash, Stranger!"

After starin' at that asshole for a bit I grumbled and stamped my feet as I left, lookin' angry enough to any passerby that Ah was not in tha mood for photos. All the while Ah thought of where Ah could've left mah wallet. Had Ah dropped it by one of the seats? Did Ah give it ta Maddie at one point to hold onto fer me? Either way, none of that really would help my current issue. No doubt someone was gonna buy that hat once Ah managed to find mah wallet.

Being caught up as Ah was, barging into people was the lowest concern on my mind. Until I heard a decidedly large yelp when I knocked some poor lass over. Immediately I stopped and looked to her as she rubbed her side, a helmet rocking on the ground next to her while her golden hair flowed free. Looked like she was dressed up as some kind of soldier type, probably from yet another game Ah hadn't heard of. Ah couldn't really think about why a soldier would be bright red though. "Ah shit, sorry there, wasn't exactly keepin' an eye out for where Ah was goin'." I apologised, extending a hand to her.

She laughed it off as she took my hand, pulling herself up while grabbing onto her helmet and putting it back over her head, easily covering her eyes. It was a wonder she could even see out of the thing. "Don't worry about it too much, it's not exactly the first time I've fallen out of nowhere." She giggled as her helmet tipped back, revealing her face and the golden eyes that lay beneath.

"Ah... yea. Really am sorry 'bout it. Anyway, I best be going." I hadn't even taken a step before she grabbed at my arm and turned me to face her. There was something a bit... off about her for a second, though I couldn't really place it.

"Not so fast missy, I may have said sorry but I expect to be fully compensated for my grievances!" She'd said it with a perfect smile the whole time, like this was some kinda game or somethin'. "Now, off we head to the food court, maggot!" She laughed as she dragged me along, not really giving her much of a chance to tell her that I'd lost my wallet somewhere.

I slurped loudly at my milkshake while she glowered at me across the table, my head in my hands while I tried to avoid her decidedly deadly glare. "I can't believe you didn't tell me you had no money! Now I've gone and ended up treating you to food!" Her pout was pretty adorable if I had to say so, though the way she was crushing her sandwich reminded me she wasn't too happy about the situation.

"Look Ah said Ah was sorry, couldn't really help it none since you went off an' dragged me here outta nowhere." I'd replied, my accent creeping in while I stared at the table.

She sighed loudly and slipped down against her chair, her helmet being pushed over by the back of the chair to cover her face completely. "Uggghh this is so not fair! You were supposed to buy me food, we were supposed to chat and then we would become fast friends who hung out and went on lots of adventures together!"

I'd had to stop myself from spitting into my drink, now coughing into my hand as I thought over how ridiculous she sounded. Can't really berate her too much though since she did go and buy me this milkshake. "I'm all up for being friends and all, but I doubt there's many adventures we could go on since I'm not exactly from around here. Me and my friends drove a few hours across the country-side to get here."

She slammed her hands on the table, squishing her sandwich into it while I had to hold onto my drink to make sure it didn't fall over. "That's no fun at all though! What's the point of being friends if you don't go on adventures? Oooh I know, how about I go home to the 'country' with you and we can be outlaws together but mostly just take out bad guys while being paid by other bad guys!"

Woo boy she had an imagination on her, and something about the way she said country made me pretty sure this obvious city-girl hadn't exactly been anywhere outside of the coast. "It isn't exactly cops and cowboys out there y'know? A lot of it's like the city, just with less people." Really this girl was a little too much, hadn't even gotten her name yet and she was already beggin' me to go on adventures. "Hey that's right, ya haven't even given me yer name yet and you already wanna go on adventures? What's the deal."

It kinda felt like she ignored me as her head slammed into her sandwich halfway through me talking, only for it to be quickly brought back up with a little mayo on the side when I asked for her name. She quickly stood up, licking off the mayo as she walked around the table. "I just thought you looked like fun to play with, and really what more can a girl ask for?" She had a smile on her face that was quickly turning dangerous as she walked up beside me. "And I don't really care for names, too childish if you ask me, but if you really want to you can call me A."

Alright, abort mission, abort mission! She was looking way too creepy to be a normal girl at a convention! That smile was going to give me nightmares for a few weeks! Imagine my surprise as she pulled a hat outta nowhere from behind her back, an almost perfect replica of Nisha's hat from the game, while I turned my chair to face her more, getting ready to bolt. "And from now on, you get to be Nisha!"

She pushed the hat onto my face and I felt myself fall back in my chair while I couldn't see anymore. The fall felt like it took ages and once I finally hit the ground it really wasn't the painful thwack I expected. It was certainly a lot more spongy than I expected. Heck, my hearing must've gone out to since I couldn't even hear the constant chatter of the convention anymore. Sounded more like.... gunshots?!

I sat up straight, the hat falling onto my lap as I looked at the scene before me. I've never really seen a gunfight before, so I had no idea how my imagination managed to conjure one up in front of me. These people dressed in uniforms were yelling and dying everywhere, I didn't even have time to question why they all looked different colors as one of them fell dead next to me.

I screeched and tried to crawl away as the corpse was trampled by a few others in a similar uniform, though all of them had a different picture on the front for some reason. It wasn't until one of them yelled at me that I came back to my senses. The guy looked like he was covered in fur for fucks sakes! Really dark fur too, his eyes were slitted and his nose looked way too round and realistic to be fake. Maybe this was some war of the furries or something? "I said if you don't have a gun on you then get out of here!"

Scrambling, I picked up my hat as I stood up, a few more of the dark ponies falling as ones wearing much brighter armor closed in. When I went to put on my hat, lo and behold a gun fell out. I fumbled with it a bit in surprise before holding it properly. The thing looked just like one of the pistols from Borderlands! The gunfire overhead didn't let me enjoy it too much as the furry dude and I ducked down behind cover.

He looked at me, to the gun in my hands, then back to me before sighing. "There isn't much use in running away now, they've got us surrounded and I'm pretty sure it's only you, me and Glimmer ov-" We both heard a thunk as a body hit the ground, me avoiding it while the guy beside me just rolled his eyes, "Only you and me I guess. Have you ever used a gun before?" Another eye roll from him as I shook my head. "Then you haven't really got much of a choice, figure it out!" He yelled loudly as he leaned over our makeshift barricade and fired back at the guys behind us.

I shook as I looked over the weapon in my hands, not really able to tell the barrel from the handle as I held it like I'd seen in some action movies. My eyes went wide as my finger slowly moved from the trigger to the barrel and I emptied the clip, reloading the gun efficiently as knowledge seemed to flow into me. I stood up, eyes still wide as I jumped over the barricade, a smile on my face and shock on the other guys as I let fly one bullet after the other. "Time to dance assholes!"