Still Undead, Still Don't Care

by Banjo64

Rating: teen
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Trixie, Comedy, Random, Discord, Derpy Hooves, Princess Celestia
Length: 3960

The zombie apocalypse continues! And still nopony gives a buck.

The zombie apocalypse continues!

Will a cure be found?

Will Derpy ever act like a normal zombie?

Will anypony give a single buck?

Probably not.

Cover by CanYouResistClicking

Proofread by Rokkurin

Published 2015-04-04 17:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-04 17:20:01 UTC

Chapter only

Day 9,

I have run out of food, and I will soon have no choice but to journey out for provisions.

I don’t expect to survive, but I have to try.

If anypony discovers this journal, let it be known that I, the Great and Pow-

BANG! BANG!

“Excuse me? Is anypony in there?” a voice called from outside.

Trixie dropped her quill in surprise.

Another survivor!?She thought as she made her way to the door of her wagon.

She opened the door, and almost fainted at the sight of a royal guard.

“Are you alright? We received word that a wagon had been spotted on the road just outside Manehatten, unmoving for several days,” said the guard.

Trixie was still struggling not to collapse, but she somehow found her voice.

“Y-y-yes! I’m fine! I… I thought I was the last pony alive! When I saw those things in the city I locked myself in my wagon,” she said.

“Those things?” asked the guard with a raised eyebrow. “You mean the zombies?”

“Yes! I was so afraid that I would end up as one of them! But now you’re here to escort me to safety!” said Trixie, ready to jump into the stallion’s hooves.

“Er… ma’am? You do realize the plague was contained almost a week ago, right?” the guard asked.

Trixie’s jaw dropped.

“What...” said Trixie, her voice cracking.

“Yeah, the zombies are completely harmless now. They might gnaw on your head if you let them, but that‘s about it. You won’t turn into one of them.” said the guard.

Trixie didn’t reply, though her eye started twitching.

“Er… ma’am? Are you sure you’re alright?” asked the guard. “You look a little off color…”

“Of course Trixie is alright!” Trixie shrieked, “The Great and Powerful Trixie is more than alright! Now if you’ll excuse Trixie, she has business in Manehatten!”

Without another word, Trixie hooked herself up to her wagon and headed off.

The guard just rolled his eyes.

“Still not the craziest pony I’ve talked to today,” he said.

Dinky Hooves awoke to face the morning with all the enthusiasm as any other filly on a school day: reluctantly and with as much procrastination as she could get away with. Still, Dinky wasn’t known for being a late student, so despite her grumbling she got up, brushed her teeth, and headed down to breakfast like a good filly.

She found her mom in the kitchen, staring at a muffin.

“Morning mom!” she said.

“Muuuufinsssss…” moaned Derpy.

Dinky fixed herself a quick breakfast of oats and milk before chowing down. Her mother just kept staring at the muffin.

“Muuuufinsssss…” moaned Derpy.

After she was finished, Dinky grabbed her book bag and headed for the door.

“See you after school mom!” she said.

“Ok, have a good day, sweetie!” said Derpy, turning to smile at her daughter.

Dinky raised an eyebrow at her mom.

“Doh!” said Derpy, “I messed up again. This zombie thing is really hard!”

Dinky walked back and gave her mother’s leg a squeeze. The one that wasn’t rotten.

“It’s ok mom. You’ll get the hang of it eventually. And really, I don’t mind that you’re a bad zombie. I like it better when you can talk.” she said.

Derpy smiled. “I know, but I really should try and get this right. What if the post office decides that only proper zombies can work for them?”

Dinky just giggled. She knew that was unlikely, but this was hardly the first time her mom had gotten worked up about something that could, somehow, threaten her job. And it was kind of funny how the only real difference when she was trying to be a “proper” zombie was the moaning.

“Ok, have a good day, mom!” said Dinky as she trotted out the door.

“You too, my little muffin!” replied Derpy before looking back at her real muffin.

“Ok Derpy, you can do this!” she said to herself, “Muuuufinsssss…”

The CMC were also on their way to school, still shaking the sleep from their eyes. Or at least one of them was.

“Yawn…. How much longer till summer break?” mumbled Sweetie Belle.

“Maaaaark…” moaned Apple Bloom.

“Raaaaainboooooow…” moaned Scootaloo.

Unfortunately, their sleepy morning was interrupted by, who else, Diamond Tiara and her mindless follower.

“Morning failures!” Diamond Tiara sneered.

“Maaaaark…” moaned Apple Bloom.

“Raaaaainboooooow…” moaned Scootaloo.

Sweetie decided to follow her friends’ example and ignored her.

“I mean, honestly, you become zombies and you can’t even rot properly! Isn’t that right, Silver?” said Diamond Tiara.

“Uuuuuuuuuhhhhhh…” moaned Silver Spoon. Her entire jaw had fallen off, as well as her tongue, her eyes, and half her coat.

Sweetie raised an eyebrow. “How is that a bad thing, exactly? I mean, if they find a cure wouldn’t being less rotten make it easier to fix?”

Diamond didn’t have a response to that.

“Well, whatever. Come on girls, we don’t want to be late.” said Sweetie Belle.

“Maaaaark…” moaned Apple Bloom.

“Raaaaainboooooow…” moaned Scootaloo.

Diamond Tiara just watched them walk away, before giving a frustrated groan.

“This is so stupid! I can’t insult her because she’ll just ignore me, and I can’t insult the others because they’re zombies! How am I supposed to make fun of somepony who can’t tell when their being teased?!” she shrieked.

“Uuuuuuuuuhhhhhh…” moaned Silver Spoon.

“Who asked you?” grumbled Diamond Tiara.

BANG! BANG BANG!

“Miss Melody! Miss Scratch! I demand a word with you, right now!” said the landlady.

With some clear reluctance, the door in front of her opened to reveal Octavia, looking rather nervous.

“Hello… er… can we help you?” she said, trying to keep her voice steady.

“I should hope so!” said the landlady, “You know perfectly well why I’m here, Miss Melody. You and your housemate have fallen far behind your housing payments again! I have already been far more lenient with you two than I have been to any other pony in my life! Now please, explain yourselves before I have you kicked out!”

Octavia gave an awkward cough. “Er, yes, well, we’ve had a bit of trouble finding work these days. The… undead do not have much desire for music, you see. We’re struggling to afford food as it were…”

“I am aware,” said the landlady, “However, these zombies have barely been around for a few months. You are two years behind on your rent!”

Octavia sighed. “Yes, but that’s not the only problem. You see…”

“Wuuuuubs…” came a moan from behind the door.

The landlady facehooved.

“Oh for the love of… you mean to tell me that your housemate is also among the undead?!” she asked.

“Er…” Octavia hesitated.

“Sigh… very well.” said the landlady, “I will give you one more month, and reduce the amount due. Celestia knows how many times I’ve had to due to this vile plague. However, I expect you to be able to cover your expenses entirely next month! Having a zombie roommate does not excuse you from being punctual with your payment!”

And with that, the landlady turned and marched off, grumbling angrily as she went.

Octavia sighed before closing the door.

“How in Celestia’s name did you talk me into this?” she asked.

“Because we’d be out on the street if you didn’t?” came the answer from her definitely-not-a-zombie roommate.

Octavia gave a groan. “Vinyl, this is serious! We could be arrested for this!”

“For what? Not telling the landlady that I’m not a zombie? Her fault she didn’t bother double checking.” came Vinyl’s reply. “Besides, with this monster gig I got in a few days, I’ll cover our bill even without the zombie discount. Chillax, Tavi. We’re good.”

Octavia gave another sigh, “Very well, but if we end up in prison, you owe me that vintage wine I know you’ve been hiding.”

Rainbow Dash gave a yawn as she flopped down onto the grass. She was exhausted. She had managed the weather around Ponyville almost entirely by herself for five days straight before help came from Cloudsdale. Sometimes not being a zombie could make your life miserable.

“Party!” sang Pinkie Pie as she hopped up to her friend. She had recently tied a pink balloon around her neck and had drawn a rather well-done drawing of her face on it. The result made her slightly less creepy to talk to. Assuming Pinkie could listen despite being a zombie (the bets were still ongoing).

Rainbow just rolled her eyes. “Hi, Pinkie. I’m not sad, just tired.”

“Party!” sang Pinkie, but she didn’t leave.

Rainbow sighed. “Ok, so maybe I am a little sad. You know how we’re usually the ones saving Equestria? Well, this time all we’re doing in sitting around, waiting for somepony else to fix this. This whole zombie thing is making me feel kind of useless, you know?”

“Party!” sang Pinkie before pulling a cake out of nowhere. The icing said “You’re not useless, Rainbow!”

Rainbow raised an eyebrow.

“Ok, seriously Pinkie, are you a zombie, or this just some kind of elaborate prank?” she asked.

“Party!” sang Pinkie before hopping away, balloon head bobbing.

Rainbow stared after her.

“I could have sworn I saw that balloon wink at me…” she mumbled.

What a beautiful day! thought Bon Bon.

She and Lyra were at their usually place on the park bench, enjoying the sunshine. Or at least she was. Lyra seemed to be fuming about something and glaring into space.

I can probably guess what… but she’ll be in a bad mood all day if I don’t let her rant about it. Bon Bon thought with a sigh.

“What’s wrong Lyra?” she reluctantly asked.

Lyra sighed, pointed a hoof out, and answered “The zombies.”

Bon Bon raised an eyebrow and followed Lyra’s gaze to see one of the undead hobbling down the path. The poor stallion was missing half his face.

“I agree that this whole affair in unpleasant, but that’s no reason to sulk like this.” She said. “Everypony else in town has come to terms with it, so why haven’t you?”

“No, you don’t understand!” said Lyra, “Zombies are the humans’ natural enemy!”

Knew it. thought Bon Bon, I KNEW it had something to do with those things.

“Imagine if a human came to Ponyville right now! Would it be interested in making friends? No! It’s only concern would be either running away from the zombies, or finding some way to kill them! How could I befriend one if they’re too busy fighting zombies?” ranted Lyra.

Bon Bon facehooved. She knew that speaking would only make things worse, but she just couldn’t let this slide.

“Lyra, how does that even work? First, zombies didn’t exist a few months ago, how could they be the natural enemies of your humans? Second, how does anyone, let alone one of your humans, kill a walking corpse?” asked Bon Bon.

Lyra shrugged, “I don’t know! That’s another reason why I really want to meet one someday! Just imagine what they’d must have invented to beat a corpse! I bet they even know a way to cure them! And…”

Bon Bon gave up and toned her out. She wasn’t about to let yet ANOTHER human rant ruin her beautiful day. Celestia knew how many she had already heard since her roommate moved in.

The things I put up with for the sake of my friend. she thought, Besides, I’ve heard they’re working on an actual cure up in Canterlot.

We, the official magic scholars of Her Majesty, Princess Celestia, had concluded our initial investigation into the phenomenon known as the zombie ponies. We have reached a consensus on our finding and have listed them below.

1) These zombie ponies are, in fact, zombies.

2) The zombies do not have any desire to eat brains, but they do seem to be compelled to gnaw on heads if given the chance.

3) Having a zombie gnawing on your head is very annoying.

4)…

With a sigh, Celestia put down the scroll.

“I appreciate the orderly manner of this report, but I was hoping you would present me with what you have discovered in regards to a cure,” she said.

“Well, your majesty,” said the high scholar, “we've come to the conclusion that the minds of these zombies have not been entirely destroyed, but rather have entered a dormant state. If we could restore their minds, we may be able to undo the plague entirely.”

“Do you believe we can accomplish this?” asked the Princess.

“It could, in theory, be possible to stimulate their minds into becoming active again through the right application of mind-based spells, but it would require a great deal of testing, and we’d need your direct approval to experiment on a… er… not-entirely-alive specimen. Mind magic is a rather controversial topic, after all.” said the high scholar.

Celestia put a hoof to her mouth, but then smiled as a perfect solution came to her.

“That will not be an issue,” she said, “I’ll authorize the use of mind magic for this research, and I’m certain that prince Blueblood with have no objections to being your test subject.”

The high scholar blinked, before getting a VERY questionable look in his eye. “Ah, yes. I will be sure to ask him for his… cooperation.” He said before heading off with a bit of a skip in his step.

Satisfied, Celestia turned to face the other pony in front of her.

“I apologize for the interruption. I had told him to inform me as soon as they had reached a consensus.” she said.

“It’s no trouble, your highness.” came the reply, “I’m eager to see these zombies dealt with myself. My wife is among the infected, you understand.”

Celestia nodded. “I see, though that does not mean I can dismiss your problems for the sake of larger ones. Now, I believe we were talking about issues with your landlord…”

POOF!

“TA-DA!” shouted Discord as he appeared out of nowhere, holding what looked like a golden statue of himself. “I have return from the badlands, triumphant!”

Celestia sighed. “I’ll be happy to hear of it, Discord, but I am in the middle of my day court. Can it wait at least until I’ve finished with the pony in front of me? The poor dear’s already been interrupted once.”

“It’s no problem your majesty.” said the now very nervous pony, “I’ll just wait outside until you’re done.”

“Oh come now, don’t be so modest!” said Discord, before snapping his hand. The pony was now holding a rather sizable bag of bits.

“There you are, just be sure to tell your mean old house-owner Discord has your support! That tends to shut them up.” said Discord.

Clearly uncertain if he should trust a word Discord had said, the pony reluctantly took the bag and headed out.

Celestia let out another sigh. “I’ll have to make a note to address this problem. I doubt this is the only case of a landlord unwilling to address how the zombie plague may affect their patrons. Now then, do you have something to report?”

“Oh, Yes!” said Discord happily. “The changelings have contained the plague as well, though not before some… complications came up.”

“Complications?” asked Celestia.

“Well, it turns out that zombie changelings actually produce love.” said Discord. “Wish I had come up with that one myself. It’s so deliciously ironic!”

Celestia smiled at the news. “Then does this mean that the changelings now have no reason to invade Equestria again?”

“Well, old Queen Bee probably still would, if only to get revenge for her last defeat, so I wouldn’t say that.” said Discord with a shrug. “But that’s not what I meant by complications.”

Discord pulled a picture of the air. “You see, it took the changelings quite some time to discover how to stop eating all the love the zombies ‘lings were giving them. And by the time they figured it out, well…”

Celestia looked at the picture. She couldn’t decide whether to laugh or gag at the sight of what could have once been the changeling queen. She looked more like a small mountain than a living being.

“Let’s just say that if she ever decided to try another invasion, you’ll probably be able to spot her coming from several miles. Without a telescope. Assuming she can even move at all. I’m pretty sure her cheese-hooves couldn’t reach the ground when I left.”

Celestia just sighed and put the picture away. She hoped this wasn’t some kind of cosmic warning to stop eating her precious cake.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door, and then the current captain of the royal guard came in.

“Your highness,” said the captain, “I bring news about the investigation into this zombie plague.”

“Oh?” said Celestia, “Have you identified the culprit?”

“We believe so.” came the answer, “The good news is, we believe that it was not caused by a hostile force. This plague is most likely not the first step of some foreign invasion.”

“Drat!” said Discord, “There goes my bet with Moon-butt.”

“And the bad news?” asked Celestia.

“We believe the one responsible is currently incapable of explaining how she did it.”

“Let’s go over this one more time,” said the head investigator, “your mother created the zombie plague?”

“Yep.” replied Ruby Pinch. “I don’t think she did it on purpose, but yeah. It was her fault.”

The investigator turned towards the culprit, who was busy chugging bottles of something with enough alcohol to knock out a minotaur, before it splashed on the ground through the massive hole in her gut.

“Boooooozee…” moaned Berry Punch.

“Er… I don’t suppose you know how she did this?” asked the investigator.

“I think I do,” came the answer, “You see, twice a month my mom doesn’t go to one of the local bars for a change. She really likes alcohol you see, so she goes drinking almost every night.”

The investigator couldn’t decide whether to be impressed at the strength of the mare’s liver, or mortified that this filly had an alcoholic mother and didn’t seem to mind.

“Anyway, on those days my mom skips the bar because she tries her hoof at making her own drink instead. The night before the zombies came she said she had a brainstorm to create the perfect drink. I think she made it, because I could smell it from my bedroom the next morning.” said Ruby.

“And you didn’t see her mix it?” asked the investigator.

“No, it was after my bed time.” said the filly, “My mom gets really mad when I’m up past my bed time.”

This is possibly the most ridiculous family I’ve ever seen. A motherly alcoholic? What’s next? thought the investigator.

“So, did you notice anything wrong in the morning?” he asked.

“Not really,” said Ruby, “The house always smells funny after she makes her alcohol. And she’s always moaning and drinking anyway, so I never noticed anything wrong with her until she drank some wine from her rack a few weeks later. Kind of hard to miss the alcohol pouring out of that hole in her tummy.”

“Sir?” called another investigator, “You might want to look at this.”

The head investigator followed the other into the basement. Inside was a massive cauldron filled with a small puddle of Celestia-knew-what. Certain it must be what was left of whatever the mare had mixed that night, the investigator bent over and gave it a sniff.

“SWEET CELESTIA!!” He hollered as he flew back and slammed his hooves on his nose. He could FEEL the alcohol in his sinuses! From a tiny puddle! “This has to be the strongest drink I’ve ever seen in my life! I mean, this is probably strong enough to… wait…” the investigator facehooved.

“Seriously? The zombie plague happened because this mare made a drink that’s LITERALLY strong enough to wake the dead?!” exclaimed the head investigator.

“That probably explains the hole in her stomach.” added the other investigator, “I mean, there’s no way a mortal mare could digest this. She was probably the first zombie.”

“And it also explains how this plague spread so fast without anyone noticing.” grumbled the head investigator. “Who in Equestria would suspect the town drunk of being a zombie?”

“Hey Twily! How’s it going?” said Shining Armor.

“Boooooks…” moaned Twilight.

“It’s me, your BBBFF? I came all the way from the Crystal Empire to see you.” said Shining Armor.

“Boooooks…” moaned Twilight.

“Er… nice weather we’re having?” asked Shining Armor.

“Boooooks…” moaned Twilight.

With a sigh, Shining Armor turned back towards Spike, who was giving him a snide look.

“Ok, I admit it,” said Shining Armor, “If it wasn’t for the missing eye, I’d never would have guessed she was a zombie either.”

“Told ya. Now fork over the bits.” said Spike.

“Ok, ladies and gentlecolts,” said the head researcher, “We’re ready to begin our research into a cure for the zombie plague.”

Every pony in the room was excited to start. No one was expecting their efforts to have much success for some time, but sweet Celestia this was going to be satisfying work. And the reason why was strapped down in the middle of the room.

“Our ‘volunteer,’ Blueblood, is already in position and waiting for us. How do you feel, Blueblood?” asked the head researcher.

“Meeeeeeeeee…” moaned Blueblood.

“Excellent! Now, does anypony have any questions before we begin?”

“Er… sir?” asked one of the interns, “How are we supposed to know if we’re having any effect? I mean, sure, he’s moaning a lot more, but I honestly can’t tell if Blueblood’s even a zombie.”

“Simple,” said the head researcher with a smile, “We set his mane on fire. When he stops moaning about himself to complain about it, it means we’re making progress.”

“Ah. I’ll get a matchbox.” said the intern.

“Make it a torch. We need to make sure he knows he’s on fire.” said the researcher. “Also, could somepony get a few hoof-fulls of mud? Preferably the extra stinky kind?”

“Meeeeeeeeee…” moaned Blueblood.

Deep with the head of Twilight Sparkle, her mind, or what was left of it, was NOT going a million miles an hour. It was more of a slow crawl, with frequent steps backwards.

Books. Books. Books.

Read. Learn.

Books. Books. Books.

Look. Find.

Books. Books. Books.

Help. Friends.

Books. Books. Books.

Sweet Celestia, I’m so far behind schedule!!!

Books. Books. Books.

Discord turned off his Mind-Reader 6000 (patent pending).

“Twilight Sparkle: perfect textbook example of OCD even when she doesn’t have a working brain.” he chuckled.

Luna rolled her eyes. “Yes, yes, it’s entertaining. But why are we pearing into the minds of our undead subjects?”

Discord smirked. “Well, Sun-butt asked me to help with the cure, so I figured I’d help give the eggheads some points of reference. You decided you wanted to keep an eye on me. And don’t pretend you’re not enjoying this, miss dream walker.”

Luna sighed. “And you can not just snap your fingers and be rid of this plague? Or is it simply too amusing for you?”

Discord waved a hand. “Please, if I could, I would. Other than you, Celly, and the occasional weirdo, nopony seems to give a buck. Not much chaos if no one cares. That, and it’s rather difficult to mess with ponies that can’t tell when you’re messing with them. Now, let’s see if Applesmack has anything on her mind besides fruit…”

Author's Note

Apparently my first story was really popular, and working on this sequel on a whim managed to help me overcome my writer's block, so, yeah. Enjoy the continued shenanigans of the not-exactly-a-zombie apocalypse.