My little pony: Friendship is stupid magic

by The Psychopath

Rating: everyone
Tags: Queen Chrysalis, Other, Crossover, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Princess Luna, Changelings, Comedy
Length: 6993

When you fight a wizard, you should remember to take the Stockings of the Lemon Baby™ with you. Guaranteed to block all spells. If it doesn't, too bad! We already spent your money so you aren't getting it back. We have many efficient lawyers, too.

While fighting Merasmus, the mercenaries of RED find themselves sent into a world of colorful ponies by the Bombinomicon. Horrified by the experience (except maybe Pyro who seems a bit too happy), the crew will discover what life here is without getting to shoot things with Sasha. Being dangerous, they must be watched both during the day and night, although, how are they to watch Spy? Maybe Engineer can help them with their technology...nah.

No one knows what will happen to them while they're here, but the crew need to get back to their own world. How else are they supposed to get paid? I mean, really. They're fighting a wizard and they don't get anything for their efforts? Come on.

Published 2015-04-08 01:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-08 01:30:02 UTC

Hudda hudda huh!

Author's Note

Well, I did a long ass chapter story and am hoping my humor still remains. Thanks for reading it, you three readers.

Hudda hudda huh!

"Come out, Merasmus! I've got the Fellowship of the round cubicle with me! There's Blasbo Flaggins, Dumpy, Flippy, Fabulousity, Treefitty...."

A ghost wearing tons of 'bling' floated in front of Soldier and said "Yo, that shiz be gangsta" before floating back away.

"Get your sorry excuse for a behind out here!" Soldier shouted.

The mercenaries were currently fighting Merasmus for...Well, they didn't really know. If anything, Merasmus decided to attack them just because of Soldier. Idiot. They were all fighting in a warped version of an Egyptian location they often fought at with the robots of Blu made in their effigy. It now simply looked like a warehouse of the western countries. The tall wooden building, being a warehouse, had a crane dangling from one of its higher floors. Inside of it, at its middle, was a tiny, square platform with a huge pit of teethy vicious...of vicious teethiness that would drag someone into a pit of interminable doom...until they are barfed out the open window of the warehouse. Yeah. Not really 'interminal' if it has an end. WHO WRITE THIS?! A heightened platform of gray cement topped by a rising tower just made of a few lengthy planks of wood extended from the warehouse. Flanking both sides of the warehouse stood identical platforms with small passages underneath them and accessible by a rising tunnel on their right and stairs on their left.

Meanwhile, Medic was lazily walking with his arms to his sides and his back slightly slumped over. He was annoyed."Ugh. Vhy does he alvays hide in zese...stupid things!" Medic raged as he picked up a crate and shook it like crazy.

An explosion startled Medic, making him throw the crate far away. Demoman tried to blow up a pumpkin but ended up missing and blowing a hole in the wall of the gray, cement platform. The Scotsman looked to his side and raised his grenade launcher while smiling at the medic and giving him a salute with his whisky bottle.

"Demoman, are you drunk again?"

"Darrr...I dunno what'ch yer talkin' about...Ye daft pheasant in white clothin'...How'd you even get outta the fields..." The man nearly fell over.

The Scotsman was tilting so much it seemed more like the world around him was moving and he was the stable one. After nearly falling backwards, Demoman looked into his bottle through his eyepatch.

"Wha...THE WORLD JUST WENT DARK! Merasmus! Why'd you take the sun!" Demoman looked at the bottle again, then fell to his knees and yelled at the sky. "And why'd you take all mah whiskeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh!"

"I didn't take your whisky you drunken buffoon," Merasmus scolded.

Everyone gasped, except maybe Pyro who muffled...gaspfed...gaspled? Bah! He made a sound! There! Now where was I? Ah. Yes! The crew suddenly took in a lot of air, and Heavy, standing behind Demoman, pointed to Merasmus and yelled:

"It is tiny wizard baby! Crush him!"

This cry was immediately followed by a minigun spooling up, but Merasmus took out a weird, black book with a mouth filled by a bomb on its cover; And solid, orange eyes., and raised it high in the air with his left arm.

"Bombinomicon!"

Nothing happened. Merasmus lowered his arm for a second, then raised it again and shouted "Bombinomicon!", but there was still no reponse. The wizard took the book to his face and huffed in confusion, scratching his head all the while. Everyone just stared at him and kinda started to occupy themselves with whatever. Scout decided to break the boredom with his EXTREMELY LOUD YAWN and told Pyro:

"Hey, Pyro. I think Merasmus is a bit of a 'dud', if you know what I'm saying." The skinny man grinned.

"Huh?" Pyro wondered what Scout was referencing, then it ignited in his head. No. really. There was a flame that burst from the top of Pyro's mask. The skinny man dropped his shotgun during his startled bounce. "OH! Huhuhuhuhuhu!"

Everyone, besides Spy, laughed at Merasmus' expense. He was quite irritated at the remark.

"I'll have you know that I was in the presence of a great fertility goddess during my stays in arcane schools," he proudly boasted.

"Too bad you weren't at a military school. Your little soldiers would still be marching," Soldier replied.

The others laughed even harder, but Soldier was confused. "Huh? What? What are we laughing at? Aren't we talking about a demolition squad failing its job?"

Spy decloaked behind him and rubbed his temples in fatigue. He wrapped an arm around Soldier and spoke with some exhaustion: "No, Soldier. You are too stupid to understand. I can't explain it to you."

"No. Really. Try and explain it to me."

Spy shrugged and walked away. "No. really. I can't explain it to you. You are literally too stupid to understand."

"Huh?"

"Ugh."

"Wait...He's sleeping. WAKE UP YOU IDIOT!" Merasmus yelled at the Bombinomicon and slapped it.

"Ow! Huh? Wha? Hey, you can't just smack a poor defenseless book! I don't even have arms to defend myself."

"You have explosives!"

"They still don't count as arms."

Demoman was trying to decide on how he would place a stick grenade in the place of his right forearm when he heard the comment. "They don't? Cripes!"

He threw the grenade on the ground in disappointment, blowing himself far over the warehouse.

"Ooo! I got it! I'll just get a newspelldimensionbombhowaboutthatthere we go!" Bombinomicon spurted.

"What?" Merasmus whated...it's a word. Yes. It's a word. STOP PATRONIZING ME!

A very colorful bomb was sitting on the platform Merasmus was floating above, but nobody, aside from the wizard, reacted to it.

"You idiot! They'll all be transported to another reality!"

"I thought that was good."

"No! I won't be able to end them myself!"

"Oh. Well, what do I care? I'm a book. We can't hold grudges."

Merasmus tightened his grip on the book and groaned in anger...then the bomb exploded.

"What?" Spy exclaimed on Merasmus' back. He was about to back stab him, then found himself pulled into the rainbow singularity created by the bomb.

The screams were loud, but brief, and the rainbow hole disappeared with a tiny popping noise and leaving only a yellow, rubber duck in its place. The wizard lowered himself and stared at the duck, then he started to tremble and began to bend himself into a ball.

"Don't do it man. Merasmus. Come on. You said you wouldn't anymo--"

"BONUS DUCKS!" he screamed at the top of his lungs.

The wizard exploded outwards, stretching his limbs and letting a bright, white spark erupt from both of his hands.

"Oh no," the Bombinomicon sighed.

Quacking came in droves from above, and looking up, the two could see a rain of millions of rubber ducks.

"Oh. Well, that's not so bad," Bombinomicon said.

Then unto his words did the yellow sea part, and, behold; A giant duck the size of a twenty story building did fall. Its quack was the beholder of the end times. And lo, did the the man and his book scream at the top of their lings...I mean lungs. Who wrote this script? Even ants would need a magnifying glass for this. We don't have nanomachines, Carl!

The mercenaries were falling through a vortex of vibrant colors, much to the pleasure of Pyro who was laughing and clapping his hands the whole way. Spies screams slowly receded when he noticed Scout was curled into the fetal position and trembling.

"Ohohoho! I forgot. Scout is scared of rainbows. They make him cry."

"Wh-what?! No they don't! I'm just cold...is all..." the skinny man said. He was flustered now.

His excuse was met by deaf ears when Heavy pointed and laughed at him.

"Bahahaha! Tiny baby scout is afraid of rainbows! Bahahhaha! I always knew you were just baby with funny hat."

"Hey, shut up, fatso. No one asked about your opinion, or should I tell everyone about how you want to marry 'Sasha'. Oops. I just did." Scout put a hand on his mouth and shrugged innocently.

Heavy tightened his fists, ready to punch Scout, but covered his eyes when they were all blinded by a blinding white light. Once it cleared, the crew stood up with some difficulty, a few rubbing their eyes to get the blur and stars out of them. Once their eyes finally readjusted, they realized they were somewhere...weird. It was obviously a castle, judging by this room's enormous size. The ground only had one long, red carpet with golden trimmings leading to a risen, circular platform surrounded by two steps. On this red platform sat two large chairs and what appeared to be a white and blue equine with wings and a horn. Looking around, there were tons of equines of varying colors and outfits standing near or in front of tall, white pillars holding up the roof of the room at its sides.

"Uhhh. Where are we?" Heavy wondered. His expression was that of disgust.

"Uh, guys?" Scout said.

The whole group was staring at Pyro with horror and were slowly backing away. The arsonist had his arms placed near his chest and was bouncing up and down like a little school girl. In fact, he was, evidently, breathing hard behind his mask..What is this, Star Wars? Is he going to turn into Darth Vader? Like that hasn't been done a million times. I need a new job...

Engineer gasped in surprise when he saw the white equine get off her throne and hesitantly walk towards them. "It's a unicorn. Mah mama always told me that they would give ya good luck 'n a wish if ya rose 'em and tamed 'em.'

"Engineer, wait!" Spy pleaded.

It was too late. With a 'yee haw!' the Engineer had jumped onto the white equines back and was riding her like a bucking bronco. She was, quite literally trying to get him off her back, and the action was too sudden for her to remember that she had magic. Everypony around gasped in abject horror, and both Luna and the guards were moving in to save Celestia, but Heavy was already on the spot. He stopped Celestia with one hand, grabbed Engineer and glared at him with a frown.

"GET OFF TINY HORSE, STUPID!"

"But--"

Before Hardhat could protest, he was thrown behind Heavy and into the walls of the castle, causing several of the gathered nobles to scatter like...Demoman's stickybombs on a cart? These metaphors are terrible! Here, let me make a better one. The nobles scattered like squirrels being chased by a little kid who wants to use them as tennis rackets? You never did that? I guess I just had a tumultuous childhood. Anyways, Heavy dusted off his hands and looked at the giant white 'horse' in front of him.

"Um...Who are you?" she asked.

"Tiny horse can talk? Oh. Heavy has eaten too much borscht sandvich," Heavy complained. He put his hand on his forehead and stomach and appeared to be a bit queasy.

"It's a conspiracy! These are all creations of the Communist Horse Legion! I've been fighting them for days! Stand back everyone! I'll shoot it with my bazooka!"

Soldier pulled out his bazooka and aimed at Celestia, but Spy was a bit too 'quick' for him and calmly pulled a sapper out of his suit and placed it on hi weapon, shorting it out. The French man rolled his eyes in irritation and took a puff out of his cigarette.

"We are not in some weird cartoon land of your own devising, Soldier," Spy twittled his hands at his hand in mockery of Soldier's craziness. "We were quite clearly sent to this reality by the actions of magic." He pulled out his cigarette and exhaled a smoke cloud of sniper getting backstabbed. Sniper groaned and Demoman chuckled. "We need to get back home or else--"

"We won't get payed!" Sniper exclaimed.

"How am I going to buy mah whisky?!" Demoman fell to his knees.

Spy sighed and facepalmed in annoyance.

"The princess asked you a question, monster!" a guard shouted as he pointed a halberd at Spy.

The gentleman lowered his fingers to only reveal his eyes, but not the rest of his face...not that there was much to see anyways.

"What is this? A cute little toy?" Spy taunted.

The guard took offense to this and poked spy with his spear, making the man scream in agony and fall down. He was dead. Everypony screamed in horror and the guard trembled. He couldn't hold his spear anymore, so he let it drop with a clank.

"What did you do?!" Luna shouted.

"I-I-I--"

"You killed him! We do not perform such actions in Equestria! Its comrades must be readying to attack...us..." Luna's rage was immediately replaced by confusion when she saw the mercs not paying attention. One of them was wearing a long, white surgeon's coat and was observing one of the mares in the audience. He seemed fascinated by her...shoulders and facial features. Perhaps they didn't know basic physical structure of a pony? Maybe they didn't have them where they come from...wait...no! This wasn't the issue!

"Hey! Your comrade was just killed by one of the guards. Don't you ca-AH!"

Luna tried to fly away, but she was held in place by Pyro hugging her extreme strength. Watching him closely, she realized there was no ill will in the hug, so she left him there...for now.

"Bah. Spy is using dead ringer." Heavy brushed off the problem.

"Dead what?"

"Dead Ringer. When the spah gets hit with anythin', he drops a fake body 'n gets out unscathed," Engineer said while dusting himself off.

There was a strange, electrical intake sound, and the spy was now sitting on Celestia's thrown. His legs were crossed, and he was leaning on the left arm hold while holding his cigarette in his right hand.

"I don't know how to react to any of this," the 'killer' said.

"I believe you asked us for our names, misses..." Spy asked with a hand twirl.

"I am Princess Celestia. I rule over Equestria with my sister: Princess Luna."

The blue alicorn walked up and stood next to her sister, although she wasn't as trusting, externally at least, to these creatures as her sister was. She wasn't afraid to show anything.

"Ah. A diarchy. Just be certain there are no French revolutions around." Spy got off of the seat and walked past the princesses. "It could make you lose your heads. Hohoho!"

"Yo, Spy. That ain't funny," Spy pointed out.

Spy shoo'd off Scout. "Ugh. Go play with your 'bases ball' or whatever other toys you have."

"Hey, I'm pretty sure I can just bonk you over the head like the coward you are."

"Yes, and I'm sure your darting into the Blu Demoman's sticky bombs were always a great part of your 'strategy' as well?"

"And you getting cooked by their Pyro over a spit?"

"Enough with your fighting! Tell us who you are and where you came from!" Luna ordered.

"Well then." Heavy took out his minigun and dropped it on the floor where it made a resounding 'thunk'. "I am Heavy Weapons Guy, and this is Sasha." He grinned.

"What is...'Sasha'?" Celestia asked. Both she and her sister seemed horrified by the contraption.

"Heavy is glad you asked. It is--"

"It's a minigun and fires lots 'o expensive bullets. Ya ya. You've told the same tale over 'n over. Get out of the way, tubby." He shoved Heavy out of the way by pushing against his face. "I am the Demoman 'n this is my grenade launcher."

"And that is a weapon?"

As his grin became wider, his finger started to push against the trigger, and the others jumped onto Demoman with a collective 'no!'.

"Yeah. He specializes in explosions and everything explosive. By the way, I'm scout: The most handsome and talented of the team," Scout grinned and tugged on his shirt.

"And with an equally enormous ego to boot," Luna whispered in her sister's ear."

"Hudda hudda huh. Hmhmhmh huh hudda hm. Hmhm huh hm huhuh hm." Pyro bowed.

Nopony said a word. They didn't understand a thing he said.

"That is Pyro. He is arsonist," Heavy said blandly.

Pyro aimed his flamethrower directly at Heavy's face and mumbled angrily at him. The sudden event made the giant raise his hands in peace.

"Fine. He is a 'Consuming Connaisseur'."

Pyro lowered his flamethrower and nodded in angry approval. Heavy just rolled his eyes.

"Ah'm Engineer. Ah build lots'a contraptions, like sentries and dispensers."

"DISPENSER?! ENGINEER! POOTIS SPENSAH HERE!" Heavy rabidly shouted in the engineer's ear.

Hardhat's response was a wrench in Heavy's face, making him fall and roll around in pain.

"Ugh."

"So...you build guards?" one the guards said. "I could do with a bit more training."

"What? No! I build turrets." The guard blinked in ignorance. "Machines?" The guard blinked again. Engineer just facepalmed.

"Anyways, the feller over there bein' pulled back by Demoman 'n Soldier is Medic. He's...strange, but useful. Soldier is the one with the helmet on his head and the one who tried ta explode y'all." Engineer leaned in closer to the two alicorns and whispered behind his gloved hand. "He's kinda stupid, if you know what I mean."

"And Ay'm the snoipah. You see that fly on the wall ovah there?" the man pointed to the wall behind the thrones with two fingers.

Celestia looked over her shoulder then back at Sniper. "No."

"Ay do." He took a pebble he found on the floor and placed it on the open palm of his left hand. Using his right hand to flick it, Soipah...i mean Sniper, aimed. "Steady. Steady!" He whispered. The pebble went soaring through the air, then the sound of a tiny scream came to everyone's ears. "Ha. It's like aiming at Heavy."

"I...am pleased at this, but what are your real names?" Luna asked.

"That's confidential, m'am. Can't let any of those commies know who we really are," Soldier said.

"I am communist, идио́т," Heavy growled.

Soldier threw his hands to his ears and yelled: "He's trying to take away my freedom with commie mind control! I must clean myself with the power of the greatest country in the world! Oh say can you see, by the dawn's early light--"

Spy frowned at this whole event and groaned in annoyance.

"I'm guess, by your groaning, that this is an every day occurrence?" Celestia raised a brow.

"Quite. What Soldier said is somewhat true. We are mercenaries and have been in the employment of RED for quite some time." Spy took out his disguise kit and grabbed another cigarette that he immediately lit. "Seeing as I have never seen this sort of place before, am I right to assume we are no on Earth?" he asked.

"If Earth is a country, then no. This is Equestria."

"Mhmm. We must be returning back to our world. We were sent here through magic, so I am assuming you possess some as well. Yes?"

Celestia spread her wings wide a moment to stretch them then brought them back to her sides. "Yes. My sister and I are alicorns, and we have a large amount of un--" Celestia's mouth was clamped shut by a panicked Spy who gestured her to keep quiet. He made a quick glance behind him to see Pyro sitting on the floor and staring at him with his lifeless eyes. "Don't say that word in front of Pyro."

"But there are several of them here."

"He hasn't noticed yet. Just keep it quiet."

"Okay. We just need a piece of the magic that sent you here and we can send a sample to our researchers so they can trace it back then return you home. Unfortunately, I must ask that you remain in the castle and castle grounds. Can I trust you...um..."

"Humans."

"Humans, to remain here and not try to get out?"

"Well, I am certain I can convince them all, but Demoman needs excessive amounts of alcohol, that drunken buffoon."

"Expensive alcohols?" Luna asked.

"Pfff. He's content with ANY kind of alcohol."

"Oh. Sister, how long do you think they will be remaining in our world?" Luna asked.

A commotion brought the attention of the three to the mercs. Scout was in an armhold by Heavy and getting his face punched in while Pyro was trying to pull the giant's arms off of Scout. Demoman and Engineer were holding paper money and cheering on for their bets.

"I am hoping, for not long. I doubt that your world can suffer the stupidity of these ruffians. Ours was already crumbling."

The princesses looked to each other with worry, their ears leaning against their heads. Convincing the nobles to leave was quite easy, actually. Pfff. They're nobles. OF course it'd be easy. Bunch of panzies. Back in my day...Oh wait. They were the same! Bahahaha! As I was saying, the word of the humans coming to this world suddenly and randomly was one tale, but explaining that they were nearly unfazed by the whole event was another. The ponies just didn't know what exactly these two went through that they would be practically unaffected by this whole event. They really did make an impact in this world, though. Let us start by talking about Soldier.

He was busy hiding in the bushes, watching the 'machines' training in the garden. They were all earth ponies. Soldier, quite literally, remained in place for awhile. Eventually, the ponies were let go by their sergeant so they could take a slow breather. One of them looked upwards at the pegasi doing flips and all sorts of different athletic movements.

"Ugh. Sometimes I wish we had wings to fly."

"It would be much more fun than just galloping around, and it looks so much easier."

"Stop that thinking, private!" Soldier shouted when he bounced out of the bushes.

The guards all yelped in surprise.

"Only a fool would want wings! You have ALLLL the qualities of fine soldiers."

Several of the guards nodded in agreement, but a few were skeptical.

"And what qualities are those?"

"Your muscles, your brawn--" Soldier pointed to his brain.

The pony sergeant stepped up and agreed with Soldier. "The alien is right. We have more than enough to be better than a pegasus. All they do is fly and scout. We can do much better."

"And you can fly with a rocket jump!" Soldier exclaimed.

"And-what?"

Soldier aimed at his feet and fired off a rocket, blasting him high in the air and tossing dust and dirt of everypony. They looked up to see him swinging his arms and legs everywhere while rising higher and higher! He just kept going! In fact, he eventually reached a group of training pegasi who immediately stopped when they spotted the obstacle in their path. Unfortunately, Soldier took out his trusty trench shovel and knocked one out of the air before slowly falling back down with a parachute on his back.

Once down, he put a foot on a rock and said: "Ahhh. I love the smell of freshly kicked butt in the morning. If only I had some good, wholesome, American grown coffee."

"Wha-How did you blast yourself up without hurting yourself up? What even is that?" the sergeant asked.

"This? It's my rocket launcher, and I'm wearing mantreads."

"I don't know what any of those are...could you...teach us?"

Soldier's eyes lit up behind his helmet, and a wide grin grew on his face. "First, you need to learn how to be patriotic!"

Engineer was amusing himself with building tons of sentries all over the walls and confusing the guards all around. None of them were active, however. They had no targets to aim at.

"What are you making?" a unicorn guard asked.

"Ah'm buildin' a sentry. It's a turret that fires bullets 'n missiles at enemies."

"Are they...lethal?"

Engineer rose up from the insides of his machine and looked at the pony with utter disbelief. "A'course it's lethal!"

"Oh no. We can't have that. Celestia would get into a fit! You need to use non-lethal...ammunition."

"Non-lethal? Do you have ANY idea what this here weapon does? It'll track anythin' ah set it to 'n it'll gun 'em down 'n make 'em flyin' like a bull about ta get marked."

The pony backed his head away and his ears glued down to his head in horror. He bit his lower lip and asked: "Why would you mark a bull?"

Engineer roled his eyes, not that they could be seen because of his goggles. Seriously, man! Take 'em off! And wh...heavy exhale...That 'rolled' is missing a l...Debra will need to have a nice discussion with Mister Leather later on. Heheheh. Dark humor.

"Fine. Ah'll give 'em rubber bullets, but the rockets stay."

"Oh sure. Rockets are okay."

"Huh?"

"Yeah. You need to think of the foals. Things like guns sound bad. You can only use explosions and explosives anyways."

Engineer slumped down and paled. "Oh lowdy. Ah think Ah'm comin' down with the Scouts."

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Ponies were screaming and running in all directions because of Demoman's constant barrage of grenades and sticky bombs.

"Ah'm gon' blow you up 'n then yer mama in't gon' recognize you no more...Because she'll be yer granmama..."

"How did he drink over fifty bottles of booze and not pass out?" a fleeing noble shouted.

"I don't know. He must have the might liver of Pangea!"

Demo suddenly shone like a sun to the two ponies when a grenade exploded conveniently behind him and a sparkle flickered in front of his liver. You can guess for yourself what facial expressions he was making at the time. No. really. Go ahead. It's aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal you.

"Ooooooh!" the two ponies said in unison.

While Demo was doing that, Heavy and Scout were playing rock, paper, scissors in the throne room. They were sitting on the floor near the giant entrance doors and The score was two-hundred and twenty-three for Heavy and two for Scout.

"One, two, three!" they both said in front of the curious guards.

Heavy pulled out rock and Scout pulled out scissors, but he quickly changed them to paper.

"Ha ha! I win!" he cheered smugly.

Heavy gasped in horror and looked back and forth between Scout's hand and his smug face. The giant's face became filled with anger as his 'rock' became a fist crushing Scout's hand.

"Ha! Heavy beat Scout!"

"Ahhhhhh! Let go of my hand, Fatso!" Scout screamed as he flailed around and tried to free his hands.

Heavy threw Scout through the large doors, frightening a few maids cleaning the vases, statues, and portraits in the hallway. The skinny man stood back up and exhaled loudly as he held his wrist. He glared at Heavy, took out his bat, then said: "Oh, so that's how it's going to be?! I ain't gonna be Major League for nothin'!"

"Ha! More like T-ball league. Is for tiny babies, like you!"

Medic and Sniper were outside, watching ponies training on using bows and arrows. Medic was on the sidelines, analyzing a wound one of the more...clumsy ponies managed to do. She missed one of the targets, and the arrow somehow ricochet'd off the walls of the castle and into their flank.

"Fascinating. Ze body of ze pony of Equestria is much different from zat of Earth. I need to get a better look of your insides." Medic started to fumble through his medical coat. "Let's see. Zese are leg bones of Heavy. I don't remember zeir names. I should probably put it back eventually. Hm. Later. Zis is ze cure for aids. Bah. Nobody vill vant this. No profit." Medic tossed the vial over his shoulder and shrugged. "A ha!" Medic pulled out his giant bonesaw and jabbed it forward. "Zis is perfect! I'm going to saw through your bones!"

"Ahhh! Help me!" the wounded mare screamed.

"Zis is what I'm going to do. Now hold still."

"Somepony else help me!"

Sniper was sitting on a rock and was laughing at the whole scene of training. One of the ponies turned around and looked at him. HE was quite irritated at the incessant mockery of this creature.

"Why're YOU laughing so much? I bet you couldn't even use one of these."

Sniper stared at the pony in the eyes and stood up quickly. Without much care, he walked towards the pony and snatched the bow from his hooves. He even took ten arrows out of the quiver and held them in his right hand. With careful positioning, he...aw, who m I kidding. It's Sniper. Like he cares about careful positioning when it comes to using bows and arrows.

He raised the bow and fired off arrow after arrow, all of them hitting the target center over and over again. He even started to go Globe Trotter on the targets with bizarre acrobatic feats and movements. The ponies just stared at his amazing skills that totally weren't the result of an aimbot.

"Ah can teach ya if ya want me ta."

The ponies all nodded eagerly.

As for Pyro, well, surprisingly, he was the most boring of the group. Kinda surprising considering who he was and how he loved to burninate everything. He was just sitting at a table on a balcony with a couple of slightly nervous nobles. The table was draped in a white cloth and had a white flower pot with a few flowers in it. They could all see the city below as well as the large valley at the base of the mountain. However, Pyro was fixated on the ponies in front of him. He was especially tuned onto the pink unicorn with a cyan colored mane that had vertical, white streak going through it.

"So...what can you do?" the pink unicorn asked with a trembling voice.

Pyro took out some balloons, blew into them, then twisted and bent them in a rapid display of artistic talent. He opened his right hand and let a balloon version of the pink unicorn to float above everyone. She looked at it with a little embarrassment, but she was happy about the creation...until Pyro lit it on fire and made it fly around like a flaming missile. The pink pony's bliss turned into horror as she watched herself burst into flames. The arsonist clapped his hands like a giddy seal at the sight and looked towards the few spectators with hopeful expectations.

"Th-th-that was very...nice?" The pink unicorn gave a weak smile.

Pyro decided to hug her in return, causing her to shudder all over.

The time of the mercs at the castle wasn't a pleasing one. When they weren't sleeping, they were doing a bunch of crazy things to the castle. Engineer had built a ring of sentries on the outer castle walls and was fumbling with a teleporter to figure out how to get back home. He figured that the magic spells would take too long. Plus, he had enough bad juju with magic considering Merasmus' actions and stupi-dangerous talents. Pyro continued to traumatize the ponies at the castle, even going so far as to make an entire painting of everypony he had seen just recently on the wall. He...he made it out of gasoline...then lit it on fire and laughed maniacally. Ugh. What's wrong with these nine? One whizzes in jars and throws them onto people while calling it 'jarate'. THROWING PEE-FILLED-JARS IS NOT A MARTIAL ART! although, we haven't covered Spy. What was he doing?

Anyways, eight days later, when the nine were brought in front of the princesses to discuss their behavior and Engineer's breakthrough. Except for Spy, who was adjusting his suit, everyone was sitting on the ground several feet away from the thrones. A guard came galloping into the throne room. He was panicking, sweating, and panting.

"What is it, guard?" Luna asked.

"We're being attacked by the changelings again!"

"What? Again? Would this be an action of vengeance?" Celestia exclaimed.

"What's a changeling?" Scout asked.

"We don't have time, but they're pony in shape but are more akin to insects. They possess transformation magic and can turn into anypony they want."

"Really now?" Spy rubbed his chin with interest.

"Yeah, well, we can't stay. We gotta git home."

"But researchers have not found way back yet," Heavy said.

"That's the thing! I found a way back! It took several tries, and I did meet up with this 'Kaprulu' octopus guy at one point, but I found a way back to our old HQ."

"Then we're leaving?" Soldier shouted.

"Don't yell so loud, Bucket Head," Scout complained and cleaned his ear out.

"But, we need your help!" Luna pleaded.

"Sorry, miss, but we need to get back home."

"Plus, we're mercs. Ya need ta pay us ta kill," Demoman added. He took a swig of a bottle of wine afterwards and sloppily wiped his mouth with his sleeves.

"We don't want you to kill!" Celestia replied with disgusted mannerisms.

"Same thing. It involves BASHING heads in!" Demoman became a bit too overzealous and threw his wine onto the ground, shattering it and splaying the contents everywhere.

The two alicorns thought for a second, then Celestia conjured up a treasure chest. Demoman and Soldier immediately jumped onto it, guessing the contents.

"It's a bunch'a whiskeh!" Demo shouted.

"No. It's full of American-made missiles! God bless America!" Soldier put a hand to his chest in salute, and a tear trickled down his cheek.

"Bah! Yer just daft!"

"Say that to my face you Fallen Empire Cyclops!"

Both of them butted heads and were forcing each other back with occasional pushes, then the chest opened, revealing a large amount of jewels.

"Ooooo," the two said in unison.

"That could buy meh so many brands."

"I could buy so many American-brand munitions with these."

"Well, Gentlemen, I believe our choices have been made. We take the gems after our first job here, THEN we may go home. See you on the battlefield!" Spy said before cloaking.

"Follow me, Doctor," Heavy said.

"Ja."

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Demo shouted.

Watching them leave, Luna's ears lowered against her head. "Do you think we made the right choice?"

"I hope so. I really, REALLY hope so."

You and me both, Celestia. If they fail, I'll be out of a job! In the streets of Canterlot, changelings were ravaging through entire ranks of guards as pegasi fought in the sky. Queen Chrysalis stayed at mid-level flight, directing her forces.

"Hahaha! This time, they won't toss us away so easily! This time, I'm winning!...What's that...a giant, hornless minotaur with a rotating metal stick? What are you talking about?"

The street leading directly to the castle was blocked by Heavy and Medic. THE changelings didn't know what these were, so they hesitated to move forward.

"This world is so fascinating. Insect ponies. I MUST DISSECT ZEM!" Medic roared and wielded his bonesaw.

"Concentrate, doctor. Charge me!"

"If you wish. I vill pick out ze parts aftervards."

"I vill squash, like bug," Heavy threatened.

"Wh-what are you waiting for? Attack them!"

Chrysalis' orders was enough to rile the changelings up for an attack. Unfortunately, Heavy became surrounded by an invulnerable energy and was spooling up his gatling gun. All the changelings were getting their lights punched out by Demo's rubber bullets. He got the memo from Engie and regretted not getting to use his normal bullets. The unconscious bodies started to pile up while Heavy just bellowed with laughter as many other changelings would just charge into his body and get a concussion. In the air, things weren't as good. The pegasi were vastly outnumbered by the changelings.

"We need backup!" One of them shouted.

The sounds of explosions were enough to stop the fight temporarily as all heads looked down to the ground to see Soldier flying upwards. He was accompanied by dozens of other ponies who all held shovels in their hooves. The changelings were completely baffled at the scenery as they had never scene anything so majestic as a rocket jump ballet, although they would never see it again today as they were completely knocked out by the clanking and banging of shovel after shovel meeting their faces. Further below in Canterlot, several explosions were occurring. Demoman was firing off grenade after grenade, tossing changelings in the air like a salad. Unfortunately, he tripped on his own foot and fell to the ground, dropping a whole mass of sticky grenade everywhere. Shrugging, the crazy cyclops pushed on the detonation button, giving a nicer explosion to the inhabitants of this city.

"Woooo!" Demo shouted. "Terraforming!"

You stu...You daft idiot. Probably doesn't know what that means. It's like watching Michael Jordan play baseball. Engineer was busy configuring the turrets via a main console behind the outer castle walls. Sniper and several archers were firing off arrow after arrow into their targets. They were extremely accurate, surprising many of the defenders waiting at the last line of defense.

"Haven't had this much fun since I sent those pack of rabid koalas at Mrs. Flapjack in third grade," Sniper whispered to himself. "It's like Christmas mornin'." Sniper looked down at Engineer and yelled: "Oy, Hard hat! We need yer sentries up right bloody now! There's a whole cricket plague of 'em comin' this way."

"Ah got it!" Engineer yelled.

All the sentries quickly activated and slowly rose up. Their beeping was a terrifying sound for the incoming changelings, but, well, they were all gunned down by the double gatling guns and the mass of rockets firing off in quick succession. With his job well done, Engineer unpacked his lounge chair with complementary beer bottles and sat down for a good rest.

Pyro's successes were...terrifying. He thought he was playing with the changelings while, in reality, he was burning them all with his flamethrower and completely terrifying them. His muffled laughter was all the scarier. What a demented mind Pyro has. I like him. Down another path where guards were successfully fighting off a horde of changelings, one of them was slowly sneaking up behind the group. A changeling screamed and fell to the ground. The others turned, looked at that changeling, then looked up to see a cloud of smoke and a tall creature taking a cigarette out of his mouth. He flicked it against the muzzle of a changeling and made a short chuckle.

"I never really was on your side."

The insectoid equines hissed at him and twittered their wings at high speeds, but Spy simply cloaked and disappeared. The changelings looked around in confusion until three more of theirs shrieked in pain and fell to the ground.

"Hoohohoho! It's like squashing bugs. Oh, but it IS squashing bugs!"

The changelings were now looking around in panic. Several started to attack each other, sowing chaos amongst their ranks. Chrysalis was just watching the scenario in panic. Her plan was perfect! Where did these...these things come from?! Demoman blew himself in the air and directed himself towards Soldier whom he promptly high fived.

"What...what...WHAT?!"

A strange mechanical sounding suction came from being Chrysalis, and she saw a masked biped lying down on her back.

"Thank you for being such a dear friend," he joked as he back stabbed her.

Spy laughed and snorted several times while they fell. His knives might've been modified to only electrically stun upon piercing skin, but it was still a backstab. Spy pulled out his dead ringer when he hit the ground, allowing him to uncloak and walk away unharmed. Physics. Who needs them? The clean up was worse than if the mercs weren't there. Demoman and Soldier's antics destroyed vast portions of the city, and the guards Soldier trained to rocket jump added even more to that; Pyro caused a massive fire and six city blocs are now melting and collapsing into ash and cinders; and Heavy turned everything into swiss cheese. Somehow, nopony was wounded in the whole event.

Once they returned to the castle, Engineer blew up all his dispensahs and sentries and built a teleporter in the middle of the throne room. Heavy was holding the treasure chest while Scout was knee deep in it and tossing the jewels in the air. Heavy frowned at this and clamped the chest shut, prompting Scout's anger. Heavy just chuckled and walked towards the teleporter.

"Well, you have been...strange and have shown some interesting things to my ponies, but I'm hoping that the magic of friendship is with you," Celestia said.

"Bah. Friendship is stupid magic. Bullet is better magic," Heavy firmly answered.

Celestia groaned and rubbed her head in extreme fatigue. Luna put a hoof on her shoulder and stepped forward on her behalf.

"What my sister is trying to say is that we thank you for your help but hope this encounter will never happen again," she gave a nervous smile.

"You and me both." Spy rolled his eyes.

All of them went through the teleporter and left, but Pyro's leave was...horrifying. His spun onto the pad, lift his leg backwards in the air like a ballerina, put both hands to his heart, then pushed them forward and opened his palms lovingly towards Celestia before disappearing.

"What...was that...?" Celestia said.

"I think he was...declaring his love to you..."

Celestia's horror increased when her face of pure disgust and repulsive objection became green with stomach sickness and vomited on the spot. Wow. Even I never had that happen to me. Then again, Pyro never declared his fl...I'm done. I'm done! Nononononono, Bossman. I quit! I've had it. Too many puns. I got a job for the money, not the pun-ishments. I'M THROUGH!