The setting is a little town next to a little forest resting beneath a little mountain. Quaint, cute and seemingly without a care in the world, though the truth could not be further from its unassuming surface. Many incredible events would happen here, ones that would threaten the stability of the entire planet! Others that merely threaten the very existence of every pony in the entire town!
Terrible villains would appear from the darkness and bring chaos and darkness to the land. From this humble little town great Heroes would rise up to defeat them and bring peace to every pony.
But this story is not about the remarkable adventures and grand quests of these ponies. No this is about a different pony, whose life is not so exciting by itself, but who must live in Ponyville all the same.
The sun peeked through the closed shutter and lit the room. A sad little lump on the bed shook, groaned, and rolled over in as pathetic a manner as possible.
Goddamn sun…couldn’t it wait 5 more minutes?
Alas, the sun did not listen to the requests of tired ponies, and like the first forms of life that rose from the primordial ooze, a single brown hoof shakily lifted from the mass of comfy blankets. The hoof reached for the curtains and groped about awkwardly before finally pulling the little string and letting the light shine in. From the amoeba of cotton and wool a brown face appeared, a mass of brown hair sat skewed about in the vague shape of a pineapple atop it. Blue eyes tinged with red stared out between lidded eyes and glared with all the hate in the world at the evil sunlight that dare invade his cocoon of blissful rest…
“….whyyyyyy…?”
Rutted Trails slowly drug himself from his bed and practically oozed to the floor... He laid there for a moment, using the time to really just ponder the secrets of the universe.
……
……
*Rumble*
….well that went about as well as he thought…apparently the universe had decided that he needed something in his stomach…odd how the secrets of the universe always seemed to end up focusing around his stomach?
Pulling himself to his hooves Ruts managed to stagger out of the bedroom without tripping over the maze of dirty clothes, magazines and dishes that needed to be washed. What was the point of cleaning them all up anyways? Especially when the world could end at any moment?
He made it into the kitchen after unlocking the 3 padlocks on his bedroom door. A quick look about the room verified that none of his emergency alarms had gone off in the night.
“Natural Disasters alarm…check.”
“Explosions alarm…check.”
“Magical Emergencies alarm…check.”
“Worldwide Apocalypse alarm…check.”
“Unwanted Door-to-Door Salesponies alarm…double check.”
Alright everything seemed good! It was required by everypony in town to routinely check their emergency alarms frequently to avoid being unprepared for the inevitable catastrophes. Though that last one was a personal addition he’d made himself.
What? Never been hounded by salesponies that show up right at dinnertime and somehow manage to worm their way into your living room and then won’t shut the hell up for the next two hours until they’ve told you every little thing about their knife set they wanna sell you!? No? Then you don’t know why it was so important to add that! IT WAS NECESSARY!!!
…ugh…headache…
Morning checklist done, he sighed and went to the fridge to see if there were any leftovers from the night before. He spun the little padlock on his refrigerator to open it.
….let’s see…one, one, one aaaannnnddd…….one.
The padlock clicked open and Ruts stared half-heartedly at the near empty fridge before settling on an old take-out container of hay fries he was only partially sure were still edible. He sat at the table and absent-mindedly munched the stale fries with about as much excitement as he could muster…which was none.
“Mmmm….tastes like disappointment with hint of shame….”
Ah bachelor-hood was not all it was cracked up to be. His friend Shades had convince him to move out of Manehatten to this little out of the way town with all sorts of stories of how awesome it would be to be a bachelor here.
“You’ll love Ponyville! I swear the ratio of Mares to Stallions is like 7 to 1! You’ll be flank-deep in tail the moment you step off that train! That place is an untapped goldmine and I am doing you a favor by letting you in on this. Hell even a grump like you can get at least one pretty little mare interested in you in Ponyville!’
Swayed by Shades and his promises Ruts had went ahead and packed everything he owned and shipped off to the little town of Ponyville, just in time for the Summer Sun Celebration in fact. So far Ruts had been here what, almost six months now? And while there was all the excitement he had been promised, none of it was the kind he had been expecting.
5 months and 3 weeks ago:
The grin on his face threatened to engulf his entire face! Shades had been right! This place was teeming with mares! Everywhere he looked he saw a pretty face and colorful…well you get the idea!
The town seemed nice enough, if a little quaint and without any nightlife. He’d already stashed his stuff in his new apartment and was out enjoying the Celebration. The Summer something or another. Whatever it was didn’t matter much to him, not with the plethora of pretty mares about. Now if he could just start up a conversation with a few of the…
Damn it! Where was everypony going? Oh right, something was happening in the Town Hall. Dang this was seriously cutting into his schmoozing time! Oh well it was only going to last until the sun came up right?
…………
About ten minutes later, screaming like a little filly out on his first Nightmare Night, Ruts galloped out of the Town Hall like a lightning bolt, followed shortly by about 100 other scared ponies. He went right home and didn’t come out from under his bed till the next morning. By then stories of the Elements of Harmony had spread and so, unfortunately had the story of the newcomer’s very un-stallion-like cries. Didn’t help he was the first one out of the Town Hall either, even before Nightmare Moon had finished speaking. This was not how Ruts had wanted this new chapter of his life to start…
Present:
Yeah…and Shades never did make it to Ponyville. Soon as he heard about the whole Nightmare Moon and the Elements of Harmony thing he very wisely chose not to move there. Lucky SOP…
Ruts groaned at the thought of heading out but bits didn’t make themselves! Plus he was still a little short of this month’s rent….damn looked like leftover take-out again tonight…
Ruts sighed and chucked the stale fries out and headed for the door. A moment later he groaned and stared with complete apathy at the barred entrance. Two deadbolts, one combo lock, and an old fashioned wooden bar across the door later he stepped out into the sunlight. Squinting through the brightness Ruts stared at the old yellow carriage parked in front of his apartment.
“Yay, another wonderful day in Ponyville.”
The thing mocked him! Agh! He wanted to kick three ways to Sunday! But he looking right at the only means of making the bits he needed! Resigned he turned and took a longing glance back at his welcoming home with its warm bed and comfy blankets before sighing and heading down the steps.
That damn carriage…Rutted Trails, the name came from a long line of traveler ponies. Brave explorers and pioneers who took to the open roads and trails and paved the way for other ponies to follow in their hoofsteps, blazing into new lands that no pony had ever seen before! And then there was Ruts…bachelor and glorified packmule (No offense to the mules out there, but you get what I mean)…. He glanced back at his cutiemark, a checkered square. He sighs about as forlornly as a pony could. He was supposed to have gotten one representing his family’s history and love of the open road and traveling! Not his current talent of…..walking….while dragging other ponies….
Sigh…..
”My folks would be so proud of me…”
“Ha! You groaning already Ruts!”
“Ahhhggg!!!”
When he’d managed to slow his heart-rate down to something below a Sugarcube Corner cupcake high, Ruts glared at the other pony. God damn it. There hovered Skywind, with that obnoxious smirk on his face. God he just wanted to buck that look right off’a there.
Skywind was a mail pony, light red with a yellow mane and a cloud for a cutie mark. Damn bastard was annoying as hell too! Always showing up right in the middle of Ruts perfectly planned self-pity and putting in his two bits! Ruts could have wallowed perfectly fine without any added nonsense!
“What do you want Skywind?” With as much disdain as he could possibly fit into a single question.
Skywind laughed as he shoved a few letters (undoubtedly bills, it was always bills) into the mailbox.
“Damn Ruts you’re starting earlier and earlier all the time! Usually you don’t start getting really grumpy till round 10!”
The Pegasus grinned and darted over to Ruts, where he just sort of hovered in that annoying, hover-y kind of way he does,
god….why me?
“ What’s the matter this time Ruts? Sunny sky a little too sunny for you? Or maybe the birds are just too pretty sounding? Oh! I know! You just can’t stand how friendly everypony is!”
He grinned a big stupid grin that made Ruts grit his teeth a little.
“I got it right? Didn’t I?”
“…yeaaah sure you did Skywind, you’re a bucking genius. In fact I think you should just go down to Canterlot and demand your honorary degree. Maybe in something, oh I don’t know, like STUPID!”
And as usual Skywind just laughed and let it all just brush right by him.
“Oh Ruts I know you just love it! Come on! Gimme a smile! Show me them pearly whites!”
“Agh! Just get outta here!”
“Fine fine, hey by the way Shuffle and I are gonna be having a get-together with some of the other ponies from work to run through Scenario 24, you wanna come?”
“Scenario 24? Isn’t that the one with volcanos?”
“Naw that’s Scenario 7. This is the poisonous gas one! We get to play with our Hazmat suits!”
Ruts just gave the grinning Pegasus a flat look. When the hell were they ever going to need to practice Scenario 24? That was even less likely than Scenario 19 or even Scenario 12!
“Sky, why the hell would I wanna waste a perfectly good afternoon running around in a hot sweaty suit? It’s not like any of you ponies are ever going to use them anyways.”
“Come on Ruts! It’s important to always be prepared just like the Mayor says. You don’t wanna be unprepared in case stuff goes bad again do you?”
“Uhhhh, my poor brain, Sky do you even remember what happened the last time something bad happened in Ponyville? What did YOU do?”
2 weeks ago:
The sky blackened as the thousands of little bugs descended upon Ponyville in a flurry of cuteness-induced violence and carnage. Nothing could stand in the way of their brutal destruction of the unsuspecting town!
Ruts stared up into the sky with half-lidded eyes that expressed nothing but extreme disinterest in everything. A pony ran screaming by him and slammed headfirst into a wall before slumping into a heap on the ground. Ahead two ponies were flailing about in the street before they ran right into each other. A mare off to his right just stared before her eyes rolled back into her head and she passed out right there in the middle of the street, hoof placed dramatically on her forehead.
Ruts sighed, scratched a spot on his left leg that had been itching him, and started walking through the mob of panicked ponies as they all but lost their collective minds all around him. Once upon a time Ruts had poured his heart and soul into “Ponyville, A Manual for All Emergencies”, memorizing each and every page. Hell at one point he could have recited all 30 Emergency Scenarios and what to do about them. Now:
“Oh Celestia! Run for your lives!”
“The world is ending! Oh, what a world!”
“Why!? Why!? WHHHHHYYYYY!?!!”
Ruts looked across the street as 3 ponies had taken to stuffing their heads into the dirt in a sad attempt to hide from the horrors above. If this hadn’t happened in an almost sad mimicry a few weeks earlier Ruts would have laughed his tail off at them. Instead, he just sort of looked at them with a sort of sad indifference. This happened every, single, time. Weeks spent memorizing emergency protocol and running drills with Hazmat Suits and setting up emergency supply caches and digging trenches and, and…
GOD WHAT THE HELL WAS IT FOR? The moment any kind of emergency actually happened, the first thing everypony does is lose their sanity! Mob mentality had nothing on these ponies! Had Ruts known before-hand that Ponyville was going to become the hub of “Crazy Stuff Going to Happen” he would have ran as far as his legs would have carried him in any direction but here!
Wait….was that Skywind? Ruts squinted a little and then started to chuckle. Oh by Celestia’s sweet flank it was!
He would not have been able to tell whose rump was sticking out of that chimney (Which by the way was about 2 sizes too small for the Pegasus to fit into) if it hadn’t been for the cutie mark giving him away.
HA! Skywind looked like someone tried to stuff a muffin into a bendy straw! Boy was he gonna have a hell of a time trying to get himself outta that mess!
Ruts chuckled a bit, but having to haul his carriage around a little filly that would do nothing but run around in a little circle while going AHHHHHHHHHHH. Well that ended his little moment right quick. He sighed again and resigned himself to the rest of the day being a waste of time. Huh, maybe he could try and finish that book he’d been reading...
Present:
Skywind looked confused for a moment (Damn featherbrain always had a slight look of confusion on his face no matter the occasion, Ruts had wondered at first if that was just how he was born!) but as the memory came back he flushed and gave a weak grin.
“Ehehe…you remember that do you? Ah…well…umm…you see that’s why we need to run through the drills again! Yeah! So next time I don’t mess it up! That’s right!“
Ruts just snorted and stared, Skywind quickly starting to sweat under the pressure.
“Yeah, sure Sky, whatever you say. Still I’m gonna have to pass, I need to work tonight. Bits ain’t gonna earn themselves.”
Skywind seemed relived at the prospect of an escape from this awkward conversation and took to it like that Ms. Pie take to…well pie.
“Oh ok I understand Ruts well I’ll see you later kay bye!” A little zoom sound and Skywind was gone.
Ahhhhh, thank all that is good in the Equestria. Ruts wasn’t sure he could have taken much more of the obnoxious pony. His migraines just seemed to get worse every time the bubble-headed boob decided to show up. Finally with a moment to himself he sighs and gathers himself for the long day ahead.
Buck up and smile! Even when thing things are looking bad! That’s what Trail ponies do!
Ruts sighed again and plastered a smile on his face before heading out onto Ponyville’s main street.
9 Hours Later:
Ruts collapsed into the soft blissful mound of blankets and pillows that made up his bed. Thank Celestia he’d been born an earth pony! That much walking and pulling would have flattened any other pony after the first few hours. He was, if nothing else, a little proud that he didn’t just pass out after a full day of pull his carriage.
He’d made a good deal of bits today too! That white unicorn…with the purple mane….what was her name? The prissy one….ah whatever, she’d paid him good to take her parents all the way to that Hot Springs place in the mountains! That was a good 2 hours! They were nice folks too, and the pay didn't bother Ruts in the slightest! With a heavy saddlebag of bits he could make the rent this month and have some to put away as a buffer for next month!
He chucked the bags off the side of the bed and skipped the normal ceremony for getting ready for bed, opting instead as a gift to himself for such a good day to simply pass out where he lay.
And damn was it nice.
The Next Day:
*BOOOM!!*
“Ahhhhh!!!!”
“Look out!”
“Oh my god why!?”
The voices drilled into Ruts head like needles, and he groaned as he drug himself up out of bed. Damn it, what was it this time!? Of all the crazy, wacked out stuff that could ever happen in Ponyville! WHAT WAS IT THIS TIME!? Was it the volcano? Fire? Flood? Another evil monster from the Everfree Forest? WHAT WAS IT NOW!?
“I swear on Celestia’s white flank somepony is gonna get it this time. I will march my tail up to whomever is ruining my sleep and give them a piece of my mind, Elements of Harmony or not!”
By this point Ruts was feeling like there was nothing in the world that was going to surprise him….that is until he angrily swung the curtains over and looked outside.
Was that chocolate… hitting the window?
Indeed it was, and as he looked around it was obvious this fell under Scenario 4, Magical Disasters.
Ugh, his migraine was coming back.
He sighs and closes the curtains, which have now turned into palm leaves. Complete disregard for the chaos around him Ruts slowly and calmly walks down the mushroom stairs and jumps over the pile of green beans that have sprouted in his kitchen. He ignores the fact that his toaster and his refrigerator were playing chess on the kitchen table and yanked open a cupboard where he kept his Hazmat Suit.
The thing looked like it was made of toffee, and a cursory taste proved it was indeed made of toffee. Wonderful, it wasn’t likely to have done anything anyways. Hey! Least now he would have a good reason to refuse Skywind’s requests for Scenario 24 practice. Without thinking he went ahead and munched down the rest of his toffee-suit. Mmm…was actually pretty good!
With an eerie calm he ambled his way around the candy canes that had suddenly sprouted up in the hallways and opened the door, which promptly fell over and ran away on tiny legs. Outside the ground was now pink plaid and the sky was littered with little pink clouds pouring down more chocolate rain. Ruts idly wondered if it was as good as Surgacube Corner milk Chocolate Sundaes.
Ruts looked for a second where his carriage usually sat before he realized that large object flapping its yellow scaly wings down the street was in fact his means of employment. He sighs; well hopefully when somepony decides to save the world again it wouldn’t be too far away and he wouldn’t have to go too far to get it. If not then maybe it could pick up its own fares now!
Ruts chuckles a bit and starts to wander off into town. Maybe he could go and sit in the park for a while, if it was still there anyways. Around him voices of other ponies cried out in that oh-so familiar maniacal barrage of panic-filled chaos. It was almost nice.
“Run for your lives!”
“There’s no hope! NO HOPE!!!”
“Now listen up everypony! Just like we practiced! In a nice orderly line…”
“Screw that! EVERYPONY FOR THEMSELVES!!!”
Ah…just another day in Ponyville…